The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Fringe Fun

Episode Date: August 4, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank, Emily and Alun arrive in Edinburgh. They discuss their Fringe highlights so far and the Harry Kane Fivers.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio from Scotland and I am with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Hi Frank. Morning. Morning. Can you hear me? Kinda. Yeah. Morning. Can you hear me? Kind of. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, if there's anyone out there who can't hear us, can you let us know? That'll be tricky, won't it?

I think I'm going to give up on the headphones. We're in a field and I have a megaphone and Alan and Emily have you know when you put a fishingwined into the back of a bean can I've got a stocking over mine

I'm not suggesting this is any suggestion about the state of technology in Scotland we're just having a bit of bad luck this morning, anyway we're at the Edinburgh Festival which I think officially starts today but it's...

There's been previews and things. There's life. There's been life this week. It's weird that it starts today officially because everybody I know has been up here for ages and I thought I was cutting it fine by arriving on Thursday. When did you get here?

Wednesday? Wednesday I arrived here. I've got to say, it's very much got the feeling of everyone's a little bit still in their bathrobes with their rollers in for the dinner party. Do you know what I mean? You rung the doorbell and they said, oh, we're not quite ready yet.

Yes. But I like that. Of course. I like being early doors. In the northwest of England now, it's increasingly common to see ladies on the train with their rollers in. Is it really? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's a thing. The wags do that. Are you still allowed to say wags? They're almost a whatever happened to wags. If I could operate the jingles desk here, I might even hit it. Do you want me to do it? No, I'll just sing it.

It'll be fine. Frank, I've got a whatever happened to already this morning on the Twitters. Okay, is it Scottish technology? Spencer Sibson has got in touch. Morning Dream Team. I wouldn't want SS. You wouldn't be able to resist the old lightning shape when you did, yeah.

You know when you have to do a signature and they say, can you just initially yeah you wouldn't be able to resist look he's called us dream team so already i'm a fan okay i've got a wht i feel sorry for him that this is almost certainly not being broadcast whatever happened to yeah shop assistants counting the change into your hand? Oh. Yeah, I think avian flu. They stopped doing it and they never recommenced.

They were keen on the contactless payments coming through after the avian flu. Actually, it might have been swine fever. I can't remember. We get these things now and again that stop all contact. Yeah. And I remember in mass on Sunday morning, the priest said, we're not going to have the handshake, the peace be with you handshake, because of swine flu.

Oh, really? And that was a bit strange. People were nodding. Oh, yeah. Oh, it was like being in the Far East. Yeah. That's one of the questions I remember from Trivial Pursuit about... I don't know what the question is,

but in China there is something like, or Japan, 25 people admitted to hospital for injuries caused by bowing in close proximity. Is that right? Yeah, head injuries. Like clash of heads type stuff. Yeah, and as you know, FIFA rules, you have to stop Japan immediately to do that. Hold on, we're off here. So just give me 10 minutes while I press the play button.

I'm convinced this is not being broadcast. Have we had any texts? Yeah. We've had a text that suggests a response to something I've said. Oh, no, I was answering your question. Have we had any texts? I feel bad about saying, can you text us to say?

Because obviously they won't be able to hear us. Well, I've had a response to something you said. Oh, have you? Yeah. I mean, it's not 100% positive, but I be able to hear us. Well, I've had a response to something you said. Oh, have you? Yeah. But, I mean, it's not 100% positive, but I'm going to read it. Well, no, I can't. I'd rather broadcast into the ether than get negative waves. Absolute radio. So here's the thing.

I went to see a show. Oh, yeah. Very fine show, actually, called The Big Bite Size Breakfast. And what it is, it's about, you see four or five plays in an hour. Oh, okay. That's good value for money. Yeah. Cockwell, you'd like that.

You know what? No, but it's like a bargain. It's like a repertory company. Yeah. Such a playwright yeah and they do talking about in the round earlier when you do it in the round anyway I was I I'd recommend it but I went I got in there and at this stage at the Edinburgh Festival because people are at previewing shows and what they have been

the last three days if you're working at that venue and you've got your pass to say that if the show doesn't sell out you can go in they let you in to fill up the seats basically um so um i waited for the crowd to go in there was still some empty seats so i went in and uh this there was a a big woman with um she had a pink fan, a pink battery operated fan. So it looked like one of those microphones that you see Frank Sinatra singing into. It's big round like, you know, CBS. And she was blowing that. And she said, come and sit by me.

And I said blowing that. And she said, come and sit by me. And I said, okay. She said, I talk quite a lot, actually. I'm very entertaining. Oh, God. She sounds like me on her first date. And I said, great. I get two shows for the price of one. And she said, well, you'll have to pay me.

Not the first time you've heard that. And yeah, it always hurts. And I said, well, I didn't even pay to see this one, gesturing towards the stage. At which point she, how can I express this? She used a class A swear phrase, the second word of which was off, twice. And she said, and I mean it. So I said, I'm going to move and sit somewhere else now.

And because she was American, I said, I'm finding you quite hostile. Which I hope she was American I said I'm finding you quite hostile which I hope she was American I didn't want to think I was going to try and find her a hostile because that wouldn't have been fair on the other residents so yeah I moved but that was my first show I went to

and I got what an opener strange interaction wow I mean twice What an opener. Yeah. Strange interaction. Wow. I mean, twice with an I mean it. I mean, people normally respond well to you, Frank. I don't think she knew my back catalogue. Of your jocular persona.

No, I don't think she knew that at all. But the idea that I hadn't paid absolutely outraged her. Yeah. Well, maybe she knew that you were. But the idea that I hadn't paid absolutely outraged her. Yeah. Well, then maybe she knew that you were worth a few quid and she was just outraged that free stuff comes to those that have already got...

Well, she can tell by the clothes because we should establish at this point Frank has got a good look up here. He's really found his look. He was in that golden suit, wasn't he? He was in a golden suit. Really lauding it over people boasting about his free was in that golden suit, wasn't he? He was in a golden suit. Really lauding it over people, boasting about his free tickets

and his golden suit. The mistake I make, I think, is the top hat. I find, I just think if you've got a few, Bob, you should, you have a certain responsibility to wear it. I always think lottery winners, as soon as you check the ticket,

you're on line for a top hat. That's the first thing. But it can turn people agin you. Okay. I mean, I'm not done working through your look, so we'll return to that. Okay. I think it's my Diary of an Edwardian Lady look.

Would you agree? You know what it is? It's the playwright's look oh I wish I'd have worn spectacles now

because when I've got my Gregory Peck's on and that's not rhyming slang it's some of you

might know I wear spectacles based on those worn by Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird

Frank your look is quite the father in 101 Dalmatians. Oh, yeah, I like that. OK. I'm just about right for that. Actually, my look at my age ought to be Man's Dr. Sealy in Mary Poppins. But we'll settle for that.

Absolute radio. Can I add, we are very, very happy to be in Edinburgh. We're just having a slight headphone thing. What do you care? You may add that. You know, you've got your own problems there at home. Well, do you need layers here? I mean, what a hangover that is, Steve.

I bet that hits 80 people. It's lovely. Can we just say it's lovely and cool in Edinburgh? I hope we now don't get, like, all the Steves texting in saying, yeah, I'm one, and it becomes like I'm Spartacus. What if we get more than 80? I'd be really happy with that. You'd be quite pleased by that.

So I moved away from this lady and sat with her. Who abused you? Yeah. Your face. I sat with a couple who showed me a five-page spreadsheet that they had detailing the 170 shows they were going to see during the festival. Shut up. Absolutely amazing. Did you take the opportunity to go, 170?

That sounds a lot. But I said I saw a brilliant play last night called Everything Not Saved. I said it was great. I said there were six Rasputins on stage at one point. And the guy looked at me with a strange pain in his eye. And I realised if you've bought tickets for 170 shows, what you don't want is a recommendation for one that isn't on your list.

It's like, do you ever get that from holidays? You've been to Rome, you've had a great time, and you say, I had a brilliant... Did you see the Turfy Fountain? You think, oh, no, I didn't. I didn't see that. And the whole thing is... Frank, you should have recommended your own play.

That would have been great wouldn't it I don't know if he had that on the list I had a quick perusal but I couldn't find it I went to see Frank's play yesterday I saw both my boys yesterday firstly I would like to thank you

both of you for your consistently high standard of work. There's a lot of terrible stuff on here. There's a lot of good stuff, but let's face it, there's a lot of terrible stuff. And it's just such a relief. It's reassuring to know I won't have the Orcs moment backstage.

I saw Frank's play. Nina's got news, £2.50. Pleasant Stome, everyone. That's not the price. Okay, no, that's the time. Matinee, dear. Al, I'm so proud of that boy. He's a playwright. It's brilliant.

Yeah, yeah, he's got it all, hasn't he? It's fabulous. Everyone must go and see it. But, you know, we saw him. No, I'm going to do it. You know I don't like pranks like this. Everyone must go and see it. Not if they've already got 170 tickets booked.

Not everyone. Well, get on to your show in a minute. I might be on their list. I'm minute. I might be on their list. I'm not saying I'm not on their list. What about when Frank was in, there was a queue, a big queue Ali had, and Daisy, the producer,

Frank was going through, you know, he was greeting his fans. I was bosking. Oh, excellent. Daisy said, look at Frank, it's like Tom Cruise

at the Mission Impossible premiere. Oh, was it? It was hardly that. I mean, there was three of them. I was on my knees at the time. I had something that never... You know, occasionally we do in this radio... Thank you, Em, by the way.

But you know, occasionally we do in this radio show, and if you don't mind saying, Alan, your stomach sometimes slightly rumbles. Yes, yes, it has happened a lot of times. And you've gone up in my estimation so much. No, I've got a weird thing that my stomach never rumbles. It just never rumbles. And then I was sitting watching this breakfast performance.

I say it's a breakfast performance in Edinburgh. It started at 10.30. And my stomach suddenly did one really loud I mean a really with quite a sustained ending like feedback at the end like a velvety underground how was it like an e-flat

really good well the way that it was so it was like I imagine how a lava lamp must feel and I thought wow I never get that. And then one much louder with the sort of psychedelic.

It went a bit BBC Radio Phonic Workshop. And I was starting to get embarrassed because it was low. I feel a bit tense now. It was, I was tense. But get me, and I swear to you, this is true, I'm not exaggerating. Anyway, this is what happened. I was tense. But get me, and I swear to you, this is true.

I'm not exaggerating. Anyway, this is what happened. It went again in a real kind of way. And the woman next to me went, sexy. Oh, wow. I was squirming. Remember the show hadn't... I mean, the show had been started five minutes, probably.

I'd already been told to... Well, I'd been sworn at twice. And now, even my innards were getting... Seems like the general public has realised that now you're a playwright, you're free to be heckled in the street. Yeah, they've turned against me. Absolute radio. We're still working on

technical things here, if it's fair to say. I think it's getting a bit... I'll tell you what I feel like talking to you guys. I feel like, you know when someone, when a pilot has a heart attack or something, and a passenger takes over the thing, and they have to talk them down from the control tower. or something. Yeah. Lovely. And a passenger takes over the thing

and they have to talk them down from the from the control tower. That's the kind of sound quality I'm getting from you. It's alright.

Frank, I mentioned your play which I loved. Yes. I'd also like to mention I went to see The Cockrault last night. I was banned.

You were not quite banned. I snuck in. Discouraged. Well, you're coming back so you can see it later in the run well I saw my role as eye candy last night when you get to my age

Al you don't think I'll come back and see it in three weeks time but you I think you'll like it Al you did well last night I've never seen Al

not be very funny. He was brilliant. I can honestly say that. Also, 9.40, actually, the stand, that is. I'm the listings person on the show. Aren't you? Al, you know what I loved, Frank? I thought, I'll go back.

I think I've got it right. I know him well enough. He had a few back last night, in fact. He wasn't expecting it. No, I was banned. He didn't know they were coming. People just turned up. Beverly Sisters.

You weren't banned. Yeah. Beverly Sisters. Just Jo and Babs, I think it was. The Crankies, they were back there. Oh, well, they're always around. Yeah, yeah. But Frank, you would have respected this.

He's just come off stage from his big gig. He's looked up. He's looked up. His cool comedy mate said, Al, can I get you a cup of tea? I mean, it was like Thora Heard. You see, if I'd have gone out, I would have said, I've had an idea for a gag you can do. Yeah, yeah.

You know, I actually had to fight. I went to see the multiplayer thing, the big bite-sized breakfast. The multi-play thing, the big bite-sized breakfast, it started with an Anglo-Saxon reenactment. I thought, this is so far up my stride. And what do you think of this? So at one point, I won't spoil the play, but a woman who is being William the Conqueror hits the Saxon guy with a baguette across the back of the head. Right.

And he's going to go and rub in his head, you know. I'm making it. It's really funny and clever. But anyway. So great. So I thought what he should have said is, because she's William the Conqueror, remember, he should have said, oh, you've given me a pain in my head. And she should have said, no, no, actually it's pronounced pan.

Pan. Now, come on. Tré bon. Do you know there aren't enough pans in this world? Oh, yes, there are. But I went to, I I went to I saw them after you know they were around outside

you didn't give them that note did you no I didn't you know I fought it it was on the very tip of my tongue but I fought it I hate it when you give notes

I know it's terrible I don't want to do it I don't want to be that person but I think of so many funny things it's more of a curse than a gift. Oh, well, no, generally it's a gift.

But when it's other people's things. Can I tell you about another show? You can, as long as I can tell you about Sue Pollard. Okay, always. I met Sue Pollard yesterday. Lovely. Actually, maybe we should talk about our whole back on this show. I did BBC Breakfast yesterday.

I saw it. The show started with, back on this show. I did BBC Breakfast yesterday. I saw it. There was a, the show started with, in order to suggest the whole spirit of the festival, they had all these people lined up, acrobats,

vocal group, knife throwing and all that. And then it's, well, the camera pans across all this, all the colour

and vivacity of the Edinburgh Festival and ends up at me and Maureen Lipman on the sofa. So it begins with the Chinese acrobats and they start off. So they've got like eight seconds to plug their act

and they jump onto the thing, slip, one knocks the other one over and it's just, I mean, it's like a clash of heads. It was, oh. I mean, that was their big moment. Has PR ever gone more wrong than that? I did feel for them. She was down for about 30 seconds.

Oh, dear. I thought they'd killed her. Yeah. I saw you on BBC Breakfast, Frank. Yes. He was good, actually, Al. They said, have you ever considered being in a soap, Frank? He had a lovely answer, obviously.

What did you say, Frank? I wasn't sure. I'd been suggested I use more soap. Instead of being in a soap, Frank? He had a lovely answer off his sleeve. Well, because I was on... I wasn't sure. I'd been suggested I use more soap. I don't know if it was really up there. You've got a big laugh. They loved it. I wish you hadn't taught me to say it twice.

I regretted it the first time. But anyway, the truth was I was being interviewed with Maureen Lipman. I love Maureen Lipman. I'll tell you what I particularly love her. I once presented an Olivier Award. And me and the other presenters were in a room watching. It's filmed in the sort of midday it starts. And then they put it out in the evening on telly.

So there's me and Maureen Lippman and some other presenters. And the woman wins a prize and she goes up in like a ball gown. And Maureen Lippman went, lunchtime, dear. And I've always loved her for that. But when you're being interviewed with Maureen, it's a bit like crossing a busy road. If a gap comes, you've got to get across because there might not be another one for a while. Talker.

So, anyway... You did all right. Sorry, am I going on too long in this? I've got to tell you this. First, they had a knife-throwing man. Did I tell you that? And a lady who stood there. I mean, I'm amazed it's still...

Yeah, I'm surprised because that... Health and safety and feminism, you'd think would be two movements that might have put a stop to it, but no. And then, so we watch a bit of that and then Maureen says, well, I was actually asked to do that, to stand there and let him throw knives at me.

And I thought, they never asked me that. Perhaps it's a bit of a sexy. And then she said, and I said, good morning, Britain. And I thought, well, that's the name of the show on the other side of B. What do you mean by that? It's not a great answer. Did you ever ask for a question? I'm too frightened of it.

I had to ask for a question. You don't ask Mo for verification. You just take it. Oh, big Mo. I mean, she told the story about she'd been offered a part in Coronation Street and she was going to say no. And then her late husband, who's a brilliant playwright,

Jack Rosenthal, but also wrote loads of Coronation Street, a light suddenly came on above his portrait and that's how she knew that she was going to do it. So she knew to take the part in Coronation Street. And we didn't question that either. We just, I mean, if Mo says, it happens. But it was quite an experience. I think the Chinese girl was still on the floor at this point.

Absolute radio. Oops, went a bit DJ. Fight that, Frank. So I've seen some great things, Frank. I bet you have. You always, when you come up here, you fill your boots. I really do. I go hard or go home.

And I'm not going home. Yeah. I tend to go home nowadays. Yeah. It's for the best. Went go hard or go home. And I'm not going home. Yeah, I tend to go home nowadays. Yeah, it's for the best. I went to see Sue Pollard. You never did. I did. Excellent.

I took Sarah, the assistant producer. Oh, yeah. And it's a whole new world to her. Yeah, you don't want to be asking about tickets and that yourself. Well, I don't know. I think she was a bit, because I don't know if she knew who Sue was. Well, she's post Heidi, I suppose. Yeah, she's a young'un.

So she did say, it's a one-woman show about a hoarder and we sat there and Sarah said, shall I do an Instagram? Is it Grammable? Yeah. I said, I don't know. And it's called Heidi Hoarder. Is that right? No. Although, funny you should

say that Frank because obviously it's the sort of elephant in the room isn't it I know well it's the thing

is it was some of our younger listeners I think there's about four may not have heard of Heidi Hoarder but it was a

massive sitcom and she was like one of the characters that everyone did impress you know we were talking about

David Bellamy but one of those impressions that everyone did impress. You know, we were talking about David Bellamy. Yes. But one of those impressions that everybody did and Sue Pollard was one of them. Oh, Miss Cathcart. Good that I remember the name of the boss. Did you have that in your locker? I didn't, as we know.

Looking back on it, I was a very male voice impersonator. I just did David Bellamy, Frank Spencer and Jimmy Cricket. They were my big three. I did a fabulous former Norwich City, Norwich and Man City manager, John Bond. Quite specialist interest, that one, wasn't it? It's a very important game, Jim. Believe me, that's just like him.

I bet that was great. So her character who was I believe called Peggy Orinshaw is that correct? maybe I might be wrong it was Peggy I just don't remember this I didn't know she had a surname

I think it was Miss Cathcart was one of those characters like her indoors and she must be a base and Charlie of course from Charlie's Angels and the engineer in the studio Or Miss Cathcart. Miss Cathcart was one of those characters, like her indoors and she must be a base. And Charlie, of course, from Charlie's Angels, who never, ever appeared. And the engineer in the studio. Yeah. Who never saw them.

Douglas, who we've heard a lot about this morning, is not here. Yeah. I'm thinking I'm going to call him Plugless Douglas. But Frank, they had four Sue Pollard set. She's a hoarder. So it's set, you know, in order to signify that she's a hoarder.

Lots of newspapers and things. Lots of newspapers. A suitcase. Chris bags? Any Chris bags knocking around? They don't hoard Chris bags, do they? No, it's just untidiness. You're right.

A hat and a Union Jack flag. Okay. And a football. But you know what else was there? As a little nod to her former career. Not the yellow blazer. They had a yellow blazer hanging on. And she never got, she aspired Not the yellow blazer. They had a yellow blazer hanging on. And she never got, she aspired to the yellow blazer.

It was cruel. Did they really? They had a little yellow blazer. Sue, intertextuality meta-references from Sue Pollard. Very clever. Yeah. There are a lot of lovely elderly gentlemen there with glasses on a lanyard in the audience.

Nice. Absolute radio. You know, Sue Pollard in a questionnaire in the Daily Mail once cited me as her would but shouldn't. I mean I thought hold on

why shouldn't? Emily's lost it. That's absolutely true. I don't think she'll be able to speak again this week. Oh Miss Cat Cat. Sorry carry on. It's the fact that Sue Pollard called you I know I mean that is

you're struggling if Sue Pollard is thinking well obviously I'd be dropping my standards a bit Not that she's no lovely woman don't get me wrong I met her yesterday she's very very nice Ah yes So carry on then So you know what?

I mean, as we say, with all the performances here we'll be discussing, it's early doors. It's still in a bathrobe and rollers. Yeah. So you've got to give people that. But she's gone a bit Alan Bennett talking heads. I like that. Oh, I like that.

It's a serious play. Yeah, it's not serious. Oh, God bless her for that. She plays about six different characters. Oh, does she? Yeah, but she doesn't change her voice. So it's just that sometimes I didn't know who, you know. You don't want her to change her voice, though,

once you've got... No, once you've got Pollard. It's the brand. Yeah, what I mean, yeah. Well, she was talking very honestly to me about it and said I'm still... It was previews, this book. Yeah, yeah.

Like everybody else. She says I'm still, you know, I'm still finding it. Oh, I love a bit of Pollard, though. Yeah, yeah. Like everybody else. She says, I'm still, you know, I'm still finding it. Oh, I love a bit of Paul Old though. Oh, she's great. And I think, I can't think of another Sue that doesn't use the E. She doesn't use the E? No, it's Sue.

It's so true. It's S-U. Oh. It's quite 70s, that. Yeah, unless, because I think they named the student union bar after her. Oh, yeah. At Warwick. I know it's just SU, I think.

But, yes, I can't think, if anyone can think of another, of an E, LeSue. Yeah. Has Sue Barker got an E? Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely. You couldn't go into international tennis without an A, honestly. Wouldn't have it. No, they won't have that.

We better go. I'm getting pressure. I haven't even mentioned Laurel and Hardy. Well, we'll come to them in a minute. No longer with us. OK. That's any new listeners. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio from Edinburgh

and with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran you can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio email the show via the Absolute Radio website We've actually had an email that I'd like to bring to your attention it takes part of my Friday night trawl you know I like to look through the Friday night emails

I love it. Nothing wasted. Even the feet. And even in Edinburgh he does it as well. Yes. It's titled Tally Marks. Dearest Alan, the Divine M and that other bloke. That means you, Frank.

I think they should just call you the playwright. Since I've become a playwright, people hate me. I'll start by redacting praise, they say. And then they put in brackets that they're a playwright. People hate me. I'll start by redacting praise, they say, and then they put in brackets that they're a massive fan. You guys often talk about how people exaggerate, how often they've seen films, etc. That's a thing that we've been doing in recent weeks. Frank has a theory that if someone says,

oh, they've seen Finding Nemo 20 times, they mean, like, 12 or whatever. As a sad and rather pedantic scientist i have for many years i have for many years made small tally marks at the back of dvd covers each time the film is watched as such i have an extremely accurate handle on the real data if more of your listeners adopted this strategy there would be a whole lot more honesty in this world. Cheers, Andrew Collins. P.S. This email was programmed to send

at this specific time so as to maximise the chance of being caught by Cochran's late-night Friday night trawl. Ah, clever. Typical scientist. He's thought it through. He's got a lot of systems and I like that. I like this dude. Like him? Yeah. He'd be a nice friend for you while you're up in Edinburgh.

Big fan. He might not be in Edinburgh. May not be in Edinburgh, but that's the joy of it. But I met a lot of nice women on my touring days. I don't think they'd have gone for the tally mark.

I think they'd have been offended. Yeah, it's not a system for every... No, it doesn't work across the board. It's all right for DVDs. They're impersonal things at the best of times. Well, I liked it. Can I tell you, I went to see a show. Now, I've just been trying to catch as much as I can

because I'm only up here for a few days. So I went to see a show with a double act called now tell me if you've heard of these out it's called Raymond and mr. Tim yes I have heard of them I've worked with many times so I went to see them doing an hour at the Pleasant Stone comics yeah well we'll come to that okay cuz I've never seen a show like it before right Right. And I spent maybe 10 minutes thinking, what is this? And then thinking, it's terrible, isn't it?

Surely this is terrible. Oh, really? And then I started just smiling a bit and then really laughing. And I'll tell you what was the weird thing is I got out of there and I was still laughing when I left the gig. And someone, just two people came up to me

and started talking to me who I didn't know. And I was still laughing. And they said, what are you laughing at? I said, I think I'm catching up on the 10 minutes in that show when I wasn't laughing. I'm still laughing for an hour. It's like when, do you remember when Eddie

Shaw brought out Today newspaper and the colour pictures all had a slight overlap? It was like that. So I've never seen anything like it. What is it? Cabaret? What is it? There's a lot. What is it, cabaret? What is it? There's a lot. Well, what is it?

I mean, there's so much that you've said that they could use for their poster quote, including, is this terrible? No, but I wouldn't... What is it? If I'd just seen it and thought it was terrible, I wouldn't have mentioned it. No, of course.

That would be a good poster quote. And also, and that you laughed for an hour. Like, that's good. Yeah. That's good. Thanks, going to laugh for an hour. That's good. Thanks for getting a laugh for an hour. But they wouldn't be happy with me laughing ten minutes after the show, would they?

In fact, I went straight in to see another show after this couple, and this bloke must have thought he was storming, because I was still laughing at those two. But I was sort of laughing at their... For a start of it, it felt completely untouched by anything that's happened in comedy in the last 40 years. Oh, no, I think you liked it.

I think you liked it. I haven't seen them for many years, but I'm going to go... Well, I don't know if this has always been there, but most of it, there's no real dialogue as such. It's clips from songs. Yeah, yeah. So, and elaborate ponds, but like I've never seen ponds done before.

Okay. And there was lots of stuff about breaking wind and all that was going on. Yeah. But some of it was like so from, I couldn't believe it was still happening. I'll give you, I don't like doing people's gags from shows,

but there's about nine million gags in this one, so I think one is an example. That's healthy. So, for example, are you familiar with the 60s classic World Without Love by Peter and Gordon? Yes. I'm not.

It goes, Don't lock me away And please allow the day It's a great, lovely little thing. I don't want to away and please allow the day. It's a great little thing. I don't want to live in a world without that. Yeah, exactly. So they held up a sign that said girls allowed, as in the band. And then they just played the beginning of the second verse, which goes, birds sing out of tune.

I couldn't quite believe the use of the word birds. I mean, it was... Oh, do you know, that's so new, lads.

Lovely nod to the new lads. I'll tell you something, I would say, if you could only see one show in Edinburgh, I would like people, anyone who listens to this show,

to go, because I'd like to know what they thought, because I came out of it thinking, I don't know what I think about this, but I am laughing about it, so it must be, it's got to be good. I predict that they're going to be came out of it thinking, I don't know what I think about this, but I am laughing about it.

So it must be, it's got to be good. I predict that they're going to be the talk of the town because they've been everyone's favourite on the circuit for years and years. Have they really? Yeah, yeah, loads of people absolutely love them. They're going to be the talk of the town because they're going to have on their poster now, if you're going to see one show in Edinburgh, Frank's Dinner,

except for the first 10 minutes. Well, they're an interesting combo. Mr. Timpkins looks like... Mr. Timpkins? You know that man from the Ministry in those old black and white movies, like Richard Wattis? So he's got that thing. And then Raymond could have been in The Wurzels.

Yes. He's got that. He's got a Benny from Crossroads vibe going on yeah but um it was one of the strangest experiences of all my edinburgh fringe going stuff but i'm still slightly laughing um two days later great absolute radio how's your you've got a show on and all that yeah well it started last night and um it's up and running I enjoyed it Emily Dean came and looked very comfortable that was

we always discuss your fashion it's not often the people on stage talk about whether the people in the audience look comfortable I mean I hate to talk about me but did you see me in the audience did you connect with me no but I think you were off to stage right in what I bit a bit of the room the room's a strange layout and I call that bit Did you see me in the audience? Did you connect with me? No, but I think you were off to stage right in the sort of... I laughed.

In a bit of the room. The room's a strange layout, and I call that bit the den in my head, like it's off to the right. A little VIP section, I called it. Yeah, it's a nice section. Oh, velvet right. It's a nice section. I remembered it, and, you know, they laughed.

That's my review. He did great. He did great, Frank. That's always good. Yeah, I enjoyed it. However, I've set myself some weird challenges this month. Aside from the show. Aside from the show. You know, I'm interested in stoicism.

And they have a thing. Well, you don't go on about it. I don't much. They have a thing where apparently you can set yourself a stoic challenge of 30 days without complaining. Now, that is not the way most artists approach the Edinburgh Festival. No, but that would be... But I'm beginning that challenge.

And if I wasn't, I might think that it was a bit annoying that my sound man didn't flash the lights at me at 50 minutes like I asked him to but I'm not complaining, I just, I will mention it to him and say could you. Can I tell you, you did complain to me about that when we met this morning. I've already failed. So the star racism is not going that

well. We should explain to people what that means please. Oh it means a sort of an acceptance of life, the good and the bad without complaining about it and just an acceptance. You know what I'm talking about when they flash the lights at you. Oh sorry. I think it meant stoicism. Stoicism for

dummies. I want my show to last 55 to 60 minutes so if it flashes me on 50 and I think oh I'll do one more bit or another couple of bits then I'll get on. So a light flashes at the back of the room that the audience hopefully at that stage the audience is still looking at the stage. Yeah.

So I find that interesting. Then you know, it's wind down. I never knew that, because I just thought comics were brilliant with time. A glimpse behind the curtain would be that in comedy clubs, they quite often say, when do you want your red light? And if you're doing 20 minutes, many comics will say, 18, light me on 18. I prefer 17, because, you know know i'm long-winded it's

not a question you want to ask louis ck wow i i find that the only occasions when the the lighting man has forgot to give me the light to tell me that time is up he shows that are going really quite badly that's not right and then i end up doing like you know a lot even more it's kind of counterintuitive because really they should forget to like you if they're really involved and it's going great yeah it's always the other way for the and i'm gonna say artist for the artist artist it's fine i like that now he's a playwright i've got an artist pass for a venue so i must be one have you yeah what um sorry carry on i thought you were gonna ask me a little

question there no i just i thought i'd say well i'll think at this stage i'll go and i just did that oh yeah we've just had something for a second that you got that i was cut off people already can i just say i'll sorry people are already discovering raymond and mr timkins oh really frank sending in youtube clips I've got a dog called Raymond if I get another dog I'm going to call it Mr. Timkins that's a good idea

it sounds more like a cat's name Mr. Timkins they're going to sell out their run now because of Frank yeah who would have

thought that 10 minutes into the show when I was thinking what is this Frank has the same effect on comedy as Tom Daley does with the master pan

yeah but you know that Mrs Brown's Boys thing when you think, have they found a show that was made in 1948? But it's still funny. In those days when people just laughed. Yeah. And it didn't have to go. That way comedy was less complicated.

It wasn't run through a committee. People just said stuff that made the audience laugh. Don't get me wrong, most of the changes have been for good, can I say. When I started comedy and did some mainstream clubs, I heard people say things which profoundly upset me. But this was more of a, it had a simplicity about it, if you know what I mean.

But yeah, I'm loathe to use the word recommend, but I want you to see, because it's a show I will, I think, remember the rest of my life. Obviously, that might not be that long. I must stop saying that, but I think it'd be great for you guys, if I did die suddenly,

to be able to say, it's funny because he was just saying the other way. I like a post-collapse ironic anecdote. Absolute Radio. Frank and Alan. Yes. I saw a show yesterday

and apart from my two boys sitting here, this is my third most favourite. It's one of my picks of The Fringe. Oh, okay. It is called Songs by Kylie. OK. The performer is from Australia.

He's called Michael Griffiths. He's a huge Kylie fan. It's not a euphemism. I mean, it sort of is. Yeah, I'm guessing. Yeah. But he did a great thing. I mean, I really recommend it

he does his own versions of them he's got the keyboards, there's all sorts of dry ice going on, he does a little dance tight gold hot pants? no, he dressed more like a sort of PO, he's had a white shirt and jeans you know what, Michael didn't need the hot pants, he was that good

I needed the hot pants good on you for not mentioning the fact that I was wearing those well I've got one of those heated seats in the car so I don't wear he did a great thing though he came on and as we know early doors we've discussed this bathrobe and rollers time he was great he was very professional but he came on and he sort of anticipated it because he said look it's my opening night loves look I'm going to be honest I need a ton of support from you tonight

okay because the previews I'm not going to lie, they have been a disaster so I really want you to show me some love, is that okay, are you with me I mean was it an we're with you. Was it an ironic post-modern part of the show?

Was it from the heart? I think it was a clever ploy because it was actually brilliant. But do you think he was sincere? Oh. Yeah, I think maybe he might have been because then he was saying, you've been amazing. You've been incredible.

I love you. And then at the end, he was so happy. He said, it's my first night. I'm going to celebrate with some champagne because it's my first night. I'm going to celebrate with some champagne because it's my first night. I've got some champagne. I think we should all have a drink. My partner's here.

His partner came shuffling on with the champagne. What was she like? She had a beard. It's a question from 1978. She had a beard, Frank. Oh, did she? And what was he like? Okay. And did you have a champagne? She had a beard, Frank. Oh, did she? And what was he like? OK.

And did you have a champagne? Well, was a question you would be a reasonable one to ask. Yeah. Carver. No, he said, look, you know, I think it's time we raise a glass. And then his partner poured a drink for him, and he drunk the champagne while we watched I mean you know Michael come on

he scrimped on that front but probably there's a spoon going in that bottle he'll be having another glass out of it tomorrow just put a fake cork back in to make it look brand new I thought about going to that channel and I wasn't sure about it and for me I've got to be

got to be certain. Oh, Frank. Oh, yes. Well, once you go, I mean, I can't get it out of my head now. Oh, wow. Alan, not going to happen, is it? All right. Not going to happen.

I'm going to have to go to the pub. Oh, very good. It's a long walk if you're going to do every Kylie hit. I'm very much first to albums as well myself. I should be so lucky. After that, I was avoiding that. I know. Oh, anyway, I'm sure they, anyway,

would you recommend that show, though? Recommend it? The producer cried. I mean, she'd had a late night and had been drinking, but she cried at his rendition of I Wouldn't Check... Hand on My Heart. Hand on My Heart. Oh, yeah.

She was sobbing. Really? Even Michael was a bit shocked. God, the previews must have been tough. Absolute Radio. Have you been to the Pleute radio. I, uh... Have you been to the Pleasance Dome, this festival? Not so far.

Thank you, Ghost Hartley, will you? See, I went, uh... I went there, and I went to the toilet there. Wow. And it wasn't what I was expecting. So I went into the men's toilets. Can I explain? You know when you go into a urinal? Yeah. You go in and you, um... Stand. It wasn't what I was expecting. So I went into the men's toilets. Can I explain?

You know when you go into a urinal? Yeah. You go in and you... Stand. Yeah, but before that you have to on zip and all that. You have to go al fresco. Yeah. Yeah. So I walked in already doing that.

Right. But there's kind of an ante room. And then you have to walk through that room, which is just sinks. Right. But there's kind of an ante room and then you have to walk through that room, which is just sinks. Right. And then the urinals are probably, from where I, from the point where I actually went al fresco, I probably

had to walk another 25 feet. Too much. And it was like crossing a room at a party, completely exposed. I just completely mistimed my... Were there other gentlemen in there? Well, there were, but I think they probably just thought... They see so many strange things at the fringe.

They probably just thought that, you know, you're a very busy man now, you're a playwright, and you've obviously life-hacked. Yes. You've optimised your time. He's using his journey time well. I went so early on it. And you can't put it in.

I would have had time to put it away and get it out, but I had to brazen it out. Oh, lovely. Lovely way to put it. It was very awkward. It fits with the new, slightly dishevelled genius. I mean, you look immaculate. Yeah.

But I don't know what goes on in that. I think in 2018... No. You can do it anywhere. If I start doing that generally in the street, there'll be trouble. Keep it to the antechamber. Oh, I went to a show in a yurt.

Did you? How was that? Yeah, when were you last... I once had a massage in a yurt. I think I remember that. Was it a police scene? Yeah, that's the first draft for it didn't scan. So a message in a bottle.

Massage in a yurt. And I remember lying on this table. I hate massages. Too touchy. I just hate them. I always feel ill after. Yeah. I'd never have another massage ever.

Okay. Okay. Good to have a rule. Yeah. I had a massage in Japan and I was bruised the next day. Really? Come on. Yeah, that can hurt.

So I remember lying on that massage table and looking up and there's a hole, you know, there's a hole in the top of a yurt and just there was the sky. Oh, yeah. Lovely. It wasn't true of the show I went to, but I saw a woman called Tessa Waters.

Do you know her? Australian act. No. Man, I've got to tell you, it was really funny. Was it? It was proper It started with a pillow fight Really?

I love a pillow fight Well that sounds good fun So I won't give too much away But she got someone up And they had a pillow fight And I thought I'd forgotten pillow fights existed I thought the money I've spent

On soft play centres Yeah It's all there in my home Yeah Anyway She walloped this bloke I mean I thought it was going to be spent on soft play centres. It's all there in my home. Anyway, she walloped this bloke. I mean, I thought it was going to be a bit of fun at the beginning. She really

went after him with the pillow. I'd forgotten what a pillow fight could be. He's like gladiators. Oh, it does get out of hand eventually. I think that might be why they've sort of deteriorated. Well, they always associate him with, like, through a blitz of feathers, but that didn't happen. No, that's memory foam for you.

But there was 13 of us in this yurt, and it sounded like 400. 13 of us in this relationship. Yeah. Honestly, we got such a response. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, I've played to 400 when it sounded like 13.

Testify. So it was nice. But yeah, honestly, if you're coming up... Tessa Waters. Tessa Waters. And is that her real name? Or do you think it's a pun on test the waters? You know what?

I hadn't thought of that incredibly. Tessa Waters. Tessa Waters. No, I hope it isn't. Can we edit that bit? I was exploring the saying saying how it would work. Don't explore. I can explore again.

Yeah, I think it was the bruising and all that. It all got mixed up into one terrible quagmire of mistakenness. Oh, God. Things were going so well. I've still got my playwriting. Absolute radio. I'll tell you another thing that I was quite careful to not do this year at the Edinburgh Festival.

Last year I got dangerously addicted to haggis. Oh, yeah, it is very addictive, haggis. I had a lot. And this year I was like, I'm definitely not having haggis the day before my first show because then it might become like one of those pre-show rituals. If the show then goes well, you think you think well I've got to have my lucky haggis and I don't want to

eat 25 haggis in a month that would be high risk. It sounds good to me. It does sound good. Anyway, finished my show last night had a cup of tea with my friend and a chat with Emily. On my way home I went and got myself a haggis. Of course you did. So a bit naughty.

Eating it at midnight before getting up at six as well. Ridiculous. I went and saw Rob Orton's show last night, which is also brilliant. And we went for steak and chips afterwards. He's in Frank's play as well. And the steak, there's a list of sauces you can have with it. You know, whiskey sauce and pepper sauce.

You can't have whiskey. But then at the bottom of the sauce is for four quid, you could have haggis with it. And I thought steak and haggis, that would be, but I fought the urge. You did? I did. Absolute radio.

But now you've mentioned haggis, I'm going to have to have it for lunch. What about I had sausage roll on the train on the way up here? Did you? Yeah, because I get a bit what happens in Vegas when I come to Scotland. Don't you know what I mean? All the rules go out the window. Full fat Coke, sausage roll on the train on the way up here. Did you? Yeah, because I get a bit what happens in Vegas when I come to Scotland. Do you know what I mean? All the rules go out the window. Full fat Coke, sausage roll. I got into my flat and I had

a gift from my manager saying good luck with the play and all that. And it was a massive box of cheese and a massive box of fudge. And for the first three days, every meal I had, I had cheese and fudge you've got your savory and sweet there i was honestly living on cheese and fudge for three days now that can't

be good for you i reckon that's fine you've got all your food groups covered there i've got the fudge you want i'll give you some fudge during this break it's the best you're all right honestly i'll have some it's exceptional f. There's a pink fudge. I don't know what the flavour is. I've never tasted anything like it. Okay. It was Raymond that Mr Timkin's all over again. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner, Emily Dean and Alan Cochran all together now on the Frank Skinner Radio Show from Edinburgh. You can text the show on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Frank Skinner radio show from Edinburgh. You can text the show on 8.12.15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I would like to talk to you about money, guys. Oh, here we go. We're not paid in days.

Cold, hard cash. Folding. Money talks, I've heard. I want to talk about the Harry Kane £10 notes. There's some £10 notes that an artist... Oh, no, £5 notes there are. And an artist has engraved... Typical you trying to get more value for money.

Yeah, that's inflation for you. An artist has engraved little Harry Kane portraits onto six fivers and then is sort of spending them around the country. But he's deliberately sent them to specific places, like where his dad grew up. Mercer Tidville. Yeah. And there's one in Edinburgh, I understand.

There's one here right now. He spent it in the J.K. Rowling cafe. Yeah. But it's not hers, I don't think. They say if you pick it up, if you get one, it's worth 50 grand. Yeah, I would question that, though, because I don't know anybody that would pay 50 grand for a fiver. Like, if you ask me, how much would you pay for it,

even if it's engraved with Harry Kane on it? What if I ask you for it? Six pounds. Six pounds is my maximum offer. Okay. So if anybody bids like £6 and one pence, I'm out. I'm not even having it. It's an investment, love. I'm done. I think he's an artist, so you're getting

a work of his. I think it's made up. It ought to be. Banksy. Banksy of England. Excellent. We should say there are six. I'll tell you something, it would be a bit ironic if JK Rowling got it

talk about money going to money yeah she's already rowling in it there are six in total one

has gone to that's one for each goal he scored in the World Cup I believe but there are only four in circulation because one has gone to Harry Kane.

Like, he needs it. Yeah. The second one went to the FA. Yeah. That's going to come to a good end, isn't it? Where's that going to end up? It's just going to get lost. Yeah.

Some oligarchs. Some dog will find it under a hedge. That's in brown paper. But as you say, they've gone everywhere. There's one all over the country. So there's Wales. There's one yet to be placed in Northern Ireland, I think. That's the final

one that's got to be placed. It's actually illegal, isn't it, to deface? I think this whole story is glamorising crime. Oh, I love that. I don't. I don't. I don't. My dad used to work at the rover plant.

Oh, did he? The Land Rovers. So they used to get celebrities going to buy Land Rovers. The Land Rovers, it's such a sort of 70s thing to have. And we had on our wall, we had basically three celebrity autographs on our wall. We had Frank Ifield. Do you remember him?

The sexy yodeler. Okay. Sexy yodeler. Sexy yodeler, Australian yodeler. He had a hit with She Taught Me to Yodel. Right. Do you remember that? I don't know that.

She taught me to yodel, yodel-o-dy. Oh, right. Yeah. You get the picture. I don't know that. She taught me to yodel, you loaty. Oh, right. Yeah. You get the picture. I do, yeah. Anyway, I know I loved him. And so, he signed a pound note for my dad. Okay.

No offence, but slightly less exciting. Well, not at the time. Celebrity-wise. Not at the time. I mean, Harry Kane's signature would have been, well, he would have been in liquid form at that period. Yeah, yeah. So that was on, but he said Frank Ifill had said to him,

you know, I've been told I'm not supposed to sign currency, it's not actually legal. So I remember that. And then Ginger Baker, we had a signed pound that my I remember that and then Ginger Baker we had a signed pound that my dad you know Ginger Baker drummer from yeah and then my mom had got she'd gone to been to a shop opening when celebrities used to do that yeah cut the ribbon with scissors and Noel Gordon who was the star of Crossroads which is a soap he can't's Aisha Young, set in the West Midlands. And in fact,

they had a thing on the, when the internet first started, I remember seeing this and it was a Birmingham thing you could, I don't know what, it's like early social media. Yeah. And it was spottings around Birmingham

of former Crossroads stars. That's what it was spottings around Birmingham of former Crossroads stars. That's what it was. I saw Jane Rossington putting dark glasses on in John Lewis or something like that. Oh, that's nice. And one of them was I saw Noel Gordon, but I don't know if it counts, I couldn't actually physically see her because she was in a coffin.

Oh, my goodness. Is that a celebrity sighting? It's tricky, isn't it? Goodness me. It is tricky. I'm not sure if that counts. Do you know my favourite ever episode of Crossroads? I appreciate this is quite niche, but roll with it.

The best of a cliffhanger was Noel Gordon, the character of Meg Mortimer. She gets a phone call, she picks it up, she went, hello darling, I've taken a tranquiliser. Down, down, down, down, down. And then it ended up great. That was in the days when tranquiliser

struck fear. Just a word. Yeah. I never happened to tranquilise. I'm going to start saying, I'm going to start taking them just so I can use the word. Excellent. To people who say that, it's called tranquilizers. I'm going to start saying, I'm going to start taking them just so I can use the word. Absolute radio. We should say that the engraver, Al,

for the £5 notes is from Birmingham, which is a lovely thing for you, I thought, Frank. Oh, yeah, there's a lot of... One of yours. Fine detailed work, of course, was the specialist. It used to be the toy shop of Europe Well it's called Graham Short

R. Graham It's a very good drawing of Harry Kay. I say it looks brilliant but apparently it will fade and kind of disappear after the group matches I worry though that the thing that worries me a bit will fade and kind of disappear after the group matches.

I worry, though, that the thing that worries me a bit about it, and it has this in common with the statue of Chris, as we call him. Oh, Chris Rinaldo. Yeah, Chris Rinaldo. Which is, I don't like statues where you can see the teeth. I don't think you should ever have teeth on any sort of you know if it's an ambassador statue he can't draw Harry Kane with his mouth closed because

he doesn't do it in real life so why would he start now yeah but I just think teeth look funny on a statue you've got Michelangelo's David with the big old wonky teeth you're right I think if you can avoid teeth, it probably is. I don't know how else you say it.

It's a tricky one with Harry Lesser. Give him a toffee apple. And you don't want to be into 3D. You know those holograms you get like that? One of the things I didn't understand about Graham Short is they said he'd done this before with, he put Jane Austen on a young fair note and I thought, I've had one of them

I think. Have you? Isn't Jane Austen on the ten? She's on notes, yeah. But maybe not engraved in there. Has he done all them? No. So he did it. The most Birmingham thing you've ever said. So the Royal Mint has seen

that and thought, I'm having that. And they've nicked his... Or did he put it on the ones that already had it, like his own version of it? Like an echo? Oh, that would be a bit cheeky, wouldn't it? It is a bit cheeky. A better version of Jane Austen.

I love our discussions about money. It's like you've seen someone's Edinburgh show and going, I've got some extra jokes for you. Yeah, I'd never do that. I never, I'm not going to say which one, but I did see

an Edinburgh show which included a joke that I had suggested after seeing a preview. Oh, did you? How excellent. Sometimes, it's a bad thing.

I've made a vow I'm never going to, I'm never going to do it again. No, it's fine. Easy though. If I go and see you and say, you know, that bit you could add.

You've done that before, don't make it hypothetical. Have I done that before? Can we just leave the studio? I feel sick. Have I done that before? Oh, no. Why do I do that? Absolute Radio.

Just while that was playing, I just doodled on the back of a tenner and it's now for sale for £40,000 if anybody's interested. What's the doodle? It's a monkey in a banana. Oh, I think you won a famous person. Oh. I've done... It's one of the PG Tips monkeys. Has that helped? I've done

the whole of Kajagoogoo. Oh, have you? Around the Queen's face like it's a sort of a team picture. I'll give you seven for it. I've done Cagney and Lacey. We're Trenchcoat. Oh, you did it Mary Beth.

We did it Harvey. So we're... Absolute 80s. Can't have that name at the moment. I'd have thought the obvious person, if you're going to put an England footballer on a British banknote, Raheem Sterling. Very good.

Surely. Come on. Very good. I love that, Frank. What a great idea. Really. That would have been a lovely idea. I wonder if there'll ever be a footballer actually on. There should be. On the money, as it were. Yeah, on the money.

Playing the Johnson Faraday role, you mean, up front. But if they just picked one by Tom Bowler, it didn't go for just the famous one. It ended up being like Dean Windass. I'd love that. Because it's sort of celebrating the game in general, rather than just the picks. OK, I'd go Nigel Clough.

Oh, well, yeah. Don't overlook Steve Bull. I'd rather overlook Steve. You would. I'd pick someone from the wrong team. I remember he wears a Tatters hat. You're right. It should just be some sort of,

as you say, Tom Bowler. You just, everyone gets a chance. Tom Bowler is another one. Yeah. He's on the cricket now, isn't he? Yeah. Eric Bowler or E. Bowler, as he was called. I don't know if I should tell you this.

This is almost a glimpse behind the curtain on the subject of cash. There's a magician guy on the comedy circuit who used to get £10 off an audience member, and then he would do a magic trick where he set it on fire on stage to hilarity everyone thinking illegal person's i don't think that is illegal well everybody would think the volunteers tenor has been burned yeah and then he would make it reappear and give it back to them and somebody said to them backstage how do you do that trick? And he said, oh, I just burn a tenner and give it to them. Oh. He's spending £10 a show on that rubbish trick.

Wow. I mean, you don't have to be a maths genius to work out that's quite expensive over the course of a month or a year of gigs. Will you still get hate mail from the Magic Circle that you've given that away? Oh, possibly. Even though it's not by any stretch a trick. It's possible.

Yeah. I'll tell you what I wouldn't be the woman who's getting sawn in half by him. Absolute radio. I just burnt 20 pounds to impress you all didn't I? Good. I hope that woman with the pink fan isn't listening to this. Yeah it'll be turned blue

what about Craig Cash he could turn up on something couldn't he yeah I saw Craig Cash recently

I did Loose Ends with him oh yeah he has got I love him someone he or someone else

has got to write a play about Mark East Smith of the four in which Craig Cash plays Mark East Smith. Oh, yeah, that'd be good. That is waiting to happen. When I looked at him, I thought, you've got to. The voice, and he's got that, you know, that man. Well, don't say the face.

That man. Well, no, he's not as far, but that could be achieved. Yeah. But, yeah, he's got to. He's got to play Marky Smith I meant to say it to him but it'd be great

as well because he's got that Manx kind of chippiness you know which we all love of course why didn't he

change the note to a six pound note for the six goals yeah yeah that's a big old number to pull off that I mean it's a lot of admin do you know to a £6 note for the six goals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a big old number to pull off that.

I mean, that's a lot of admin. Do you know how I always set my alarms for things like 701 and 233 because I will not be oppressed by the 12th

that everyone spits an hour into. You sound so like the prisoner when you say that. Yeah, why do... I am not a number. Why do we have to... Why is it always multiples of five in the notes world? That's right.

Yeah, what would be your dream note? You know what? I'd love a seven. Eight quid note. Seven would be a nice biblical number. Seven? Is it? Yeah.

Oh, God, yeah, it's all over the Bible like a rash. What about 12? Would you like a 12-pound note as well? 12-pound note? You know what? I wouldn't really you wouldn't um i think seven or six maybe it's a bit more practical would be quite good for buying a paperback i've got my hand up because i've just remembered something on the train on the way up i

was with the staff and we sat next to a man lovely man the staff of the train or the staff of the radio for the radio show okay turned out to be a football agent, more of which later. Okay. Lovely man. But at one point he said, so what's your lucky number? Oh, okay. This sounds like a chat-up going. Yeah.

What? Was he reading a book, How to Chat Up Birds on the Train? Yeah. It's an old book It needs a bit of work What's your lucky number? Would you ask someone that? I said I don't have one

I'm not eight What was it about? I don't know I don't know where it led But he just asked I don't like the sound of it Do you not? No he was ever so nice

I know the number he was hoping for He was ever so nice Oh what do you think Oh dear Oh thank If you'd No, he was ever so nice. I know the number he was hoping for. He was ever so nice. Oh, what do you think? Oh, dear. Oh, my bank. If you'd have said that, I'd be like, oh. I know.

Oh, dear. Well, I'm worried that it was directed at all three of the ladies, if you know what I mean. Legend. Sorry. Of course,

we still put up, don't we, with the 99p thing. Yeah. Can you believe that's still going based on the psychological theory that people will say I'm not paying for quit for that now it's 399 okay yeah we all do it we all know do we do it yes we do do we actually man is simple although my Edinburgh shows 10 and 1110 and £11 or £11 and £12.

There's no £99 on that. Why haven't I done that? I could get some more people in. So could I get in with my new £11 note? Yes, you'd be very welcome. Oh, lovely. That's great. I, no, it's a weird thing that people, you know, people think £20, no way.

£19.99, all right. Yeah. Tonight I'm going to party like it's 20 quid. Absolute radio. We've had a missive in from Alan. Frank et al. What's the point? Not me.

The 99p is to stop fraud slash money scamming in shops. If it was a full pound, then when someone paid the exact money, there would be no need to open the till and give change. Therefore, the sales assistant could pocket the money. 99p forces the sales assistant to open the till and give change. Thanks, Alan. Wow, such is human nature that that has had to be brought in. I'm not buying that, Al.

I think it sounds strangely convincing. A man once came up to me in a restaurant and did that thing, is everything all right with your food? And I said, why do people do that? If there's anything wrong with the food, I'll complain about it. And he said, yeah, what people do is they complain after they've eaten like two thirds of the meal, he said that's why we come

very early on and if you've okayed it then when you come up after and try and basically get a free meal we're able to say well we did ask you and you said it was fine that's a good point all these checks and measures on human

behaviour Samuel All these checks and measures on human behaviour. Samuel Johnson said, if ever you question whether the human being is essentially dishonest, just read any contract. And it is. It's all about stopping people doing bad stuff illegally because they'll do it if you don't put it in the contract. Yeah, that's a good point.

I don't want to end, by the way, on a terrible downer on humanity. What about some Sue Pollard anecdotes for ending? That's a nice light ending. I just can't get enough. 489 has texted. Good morning, Frank and friends.

Talking of Sue Pollard, which we were earlier, it reminded me of a Friday evening in London, having a few beers by way of celebrating my mate John's birthday. Would be chunned. Any road. Sue was in the pub and we all got chatting. And as John left, she planted several kisses on his cheek and shirt collar. Shut up.

Wishing him many happy returns. Lovely. Sue was sporting a lot of very bright red lipstick. To cut a long story short, John's explanation to his wife that it was Sue Pollard was not believed then nor ever has been. Well, we've all used that one. Of course, I don't

use it after a questionnaire in the Daily Mail. Absolute radio. But that's her natural ebullience, isn't it? Yeah. She's an ebullient character. Oh it's alright when they do it. Yeah John's wife should understand. I don't know.

I can understand John's wife so. Especially as John's wife is actually Miss Cathcart. If this was in the days before the mobile phone camera attachment then it would have been very difficult. Now there would be a selfie with Sue, wouldn't there? Yeah, totally.

See, it's Sue, but back then... We should have got a selfie the other day, Sarah. Treated with mistrust. Yeah. Can I mention one other show? I went to see a show called We've Got Each Other, which is a Jon Bon Jovi musical. Oh, I love the sound of that, Frank.

And what was nice about it is the premise. I don't think it's given it too much away. Of course, it begins like this. And the premise is this bloke has written a John Bon Jovi musical. And then it proved to be too expensive to stage. So it's an enormous blank stage with one bloke sitting in a corner reading from a bound script. You know, I always loved the opening

to Michael Winner's True Crimes when he sat in a chair with a book. Well, actually, that was like when I saw Russell Grant, lest we forget, two years ago at Edinburgh. I know, but the True Cr crimes used to have some terrible things. Like he'd say, Elizabeth Baxter was a calm, collected woman, but she literally lost her head

on the 7th of September, 19th. Whoa, don't pun on it, Michael. Don't pun on a beheading, Michael. That's what the director shouted, but he wouldn't be told so it was it was really

if you love musical theatre we've got each other I mean he was having a moment with you then Frank Alan was so he basically he just tells you

the whole show but it's yeah and it's but it's great it's got every sort of in reference to musical theatre you could wish for. I love Slippery When Wet.

Is it Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet? It is. In the queue, we was having a debate. A woman was saying to me, you know, we've been talking all, we've racked our brains. And I thought, this is good they haven't Googled. And she said, we can only think of one bon jovi song and that's living on a prayer there's a lot of others yeah it's slightly ironic because i don't think i should

tell you spoilers let's say that that one does feature quite heavily in the uh musical so look um in the musical. So look, we come to the end of our little Edinburgh sojourn. I loved it. Sojourn. Not me, kid. Now you're still up for ages. Doing the duration on.

In fact, Steve Hall will be with us next week. Our old friend of the show, Steve Hall, because, well, Alan will be with his new friends Edinburgh thank you so much for listening and good morning Britain