The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Gangam Time

Episode Date: May 5, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Alun Cochrane and Gareth Richards this week. Frank talks about his walking holiday which ranged from Banofee Pie to dog prams. The trio also discussed wedding warnings and shoplifting.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. The voice you hear, by the way, you might be thinking, God, has Emily Dean got some sort of throat problem? No. I am Frank Skinner. I'm joined this morning by Alan Cochran and Gareth Richards is with us today. All the way from Bournemouth. Yes. All the way from Bournemouth. You. All the way from Bournemouth.

You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Listen here. You know when you watch shows like, I don't know, Have I Got News For You or something, and they find a wacky picture in the paper, some sort of, you know, mix-up, for you or something. Yeah. And they find a wacky picture in the paper,

some sort of, you know, mix-up. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you think, oh, I wonder who spotted that beauty. Today, c'est moi. C'est moi. You? Yeah. I was reading the Daily Mail.

Yes! And it was here, you know. I'm talking French. That's rare. Yeah. I didn And it was here. I'm talking French, that's rare. I didn't pay for it. And I was reading an article about Jeremy Corbyn. Oh,

Jeremy Corbyn. And I pulled open the paper and it joined in with a photograph of Peter Crouch. Freak! Sorry, I was trying to think. It's the only Peter Crouch chant I could think of.

My apologies to Peter Crouch if he's listening. But anyway, and it looks, it means when you pull the paper apart, it looks like Peter Crouch has got three arms. Yes. One of which is actually Jeremy Corbyn's but you wouldn't know that no he's sort of holding two arms in front of himself clasped at the front and then there's a Jeremy Corbyn arm

going off to the side Jeremy Corbyn celebrating of course far more useful had he been a goalkeeper instead of a beanpole striker. Wearing a similar coloured suit though. Beggars can't be choosers when it comes to this. This will be on all the panel shows

this week. Just remember you heard it here first. Hot off the... Let's put it up, Sarah. Sarah! Faster sleep. On the Twitter or the Instagram. Teenagers, they sleep forever. They do sleep a lot, the teenagers.

Also, I was reading The Sun. Oh, I've been going through all the press today. It's like being a proper DJ. It's like a topical comedy show that you're working on. Yeah. It says, um, ginger ninjas double for Ed. Now, I saw the word ginger and I investigated because I won't stand for gingerism in the press.

It said, A dead ringer for singer Ed Sheeran tries his luck on ITV show Ninja Warrior tonight, one of Alan Cochran's favourite programmes. Enjoy it. It's very good fun. Okay. It looks a bit like,

what was the one when people used to jump from one big ball to another that used to be on the BBC? Wipeout. Wipeout! Looks like that. Do I get any points for that? Here, listen. Yes, ten points to you. Thank you. But pro lookalike Ty Jones, 23, from Manchester

flops. Spoilers! In a spoiler alert, I wanted to know how he did. I'm not going to bother with Ninja Warriors tonight now. Fancy doing that. Waste of a Sky Flops record for me. Spiteful, that is. But there's an interesting thing from Ty Jones.

He says, he's a professional lookalike, Ty Jones, and he claims that looking like the star, 27, so that's Ed Sheeran's age, looking like Ed Sheeran, in other words, has also seen his love life fail, as partners just want Ed. Now, what does that mean? Ed. No, I said Ed.

Does he mean that they think... Do they think he's Ed Sheeran? Or do they think, midway through whatever they're doing. So the first or second day. No, no, before that. I'm on about an hour or so in to the nitty gritty. Whoever he's with says, you know what, I'm sorry, this is not working. I thought, I thought this would be enough for me, but I just want Ed.

That's the bottom line. You want Ed? Oh. And I think that must happen to him. Perhaps, it's probably, he's saying loads of times, probably happened twice.

Yeah. But how weird that is. Good night. Good night. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Like I say, Gareth Richards is here this morning. Welcome. Thanks for joining us. Good morning. It's a pleasure. Morning, Gareth.

Looking at that lovely picture of Peter Crouch with Jeremy Corbyn's arm on Twitter it's one of the great comedies that will keep British television comedy going for four or five years and will I get any credit for it

will I bother will people need to know that a bit of the newspaper has fallen out people will be going out now researchers listening to this they listen to this obviously for material researchers will be going out now, researchers listening to this, they listen to this obviously for material. Oh, yeah. Researchers will be racing out now,

getting the Daily Mail and thinking, yeah, I'm having that. That's how it works with me. So, I've been on a walking holiday this week. Have you? I love it. Get walking holiday this week. Have you? I love it. Get the old boots on. And...

Are we allowed to know where? Yes, I did the South Downs Way. Oh, nice. So, I was in a cafe. A lot of that on walking holidays, isn't there? Do you ever get this that no not really

people go and go in cafes you don't see any cafes I thought it was all fuel I thought it was all about like

let's get a pie and walk now it's all packed lunch sitting in trees bits of tissue around where people have used

that the cover that you're using from the sun they've used for wheaten, Private Ween. Oh, right. Remember Private Ween? That Goldie Hawn film.

Halla, Halla, Halla, Halla, Halla Ween. Anyway, so that was the name. So I was just trying to think Halla Berry, Halla Ween, but it doesn't matter. We'll workshop it later. Yeah. So, do you ever, you're both married men, do you ever get an occasion when your partner says something that stops you in your tracks? Yeah.

Do you ever get that? Well, we were in a cafe and there was a woman in the corner and she had a dog in a pram. Uh-huh. And she bought a bowl of ice cream and she would have a spoonful and then she'd give the dog a spoonful yeah and then she'd have a spoonful in the dog shared spoon with the dog yeah okay some quite a lot of issues oh man i can't even, I can't even look.

I can't even look. I said, just shut up about it, you know. Just pay for the ice cream. It's what she likes. She said, oh, God's making me. I said, just shut up about it. We got outside and she was going on about it. She said, I'm sorry.

I know, but I think that was disgusting. I said, look, you know, people live their own lives. She said to me, this is what she honestly said to me, it wasn't even a proper dog pram. Right. What? Yeah, yeah. What?

Is there such a thing as a dog pram? Could I go online now and Google dog prams and there would be a dog pram company. I wouldn't be surprised in this capitalist world. People have profitised everything, haven't they? I've never heard of a dog pram. I've never heard of one. Are you 100%

sure it wasn't just an ugly baby? No, it was definitely. It could have been one of the Argentine wolf boys. Oh, maybe. One reads about. No, no, it was a dog. I could see. She had the hood down.

It was a clingily. Once she had moved the bonnet to one side. Right. No, there wasn't a bonnet. That would have been crazy. But you could see she was, I mean, it was definitely a dog. I don't have any doubts about that. Are dogs supposed to eat dairy?

I'm not sure. That's the phone in. I mean, my dog is gluten-free, so... Is it? Yeah. Wow, that's the most thing that's ever happened on this station. My dog is beyond pastiche. Yeah, my dog's beyond pasties.

Hey! The Shakespeare Wordsworth. What is it you have to do? Oh, I don't know that. Shakespeare Wordsworth. is it you have to do? I don't know that is that a thing? yeah it's from Marlon Hardy can anyone remind me

of the Shakespeare Wordsworth thing 8-12-15 yeah so also 8-12-15 if anyone owns has seen a dog pram

an official dog pram not just a not a dog in a pram a dog pram, an official dog pram... Not just a dog in a pram, a dog pram. Dog pram. Then I'd love to hear from them. You still got your prams from your young kids? No word of a lie. Our most recent pram we donated to our neighbour to use for a dog, which is now no longer with us. You are joking.

Yeah, she walked around for ages. Well, we've found out what's happened. Yeah, does she eat a lot of ice cream? I would imagine she would happily share her ice cream with, but I don't think she would be walking in the south. Oh, maybe. Is the dog still alive? The one that was in the pram? No,

but there are other dogs in her life. I could understand. It could have been a dead dog. I could understand the necessity for the pram. No, no. I'm not saying there's anything essentially wrong about a dog in a pram if the dog is disabled in some way. Yeah, or just they get aged, don't they?

But a dog pram. Yeah. Sorry, remember those walkers you could get when kids put their legs They get aged, don't they? But a dog pram. Yeah. We kept our kids on. Sorry, remember those walkers you could get when kids put their legs in a walk? That's what I put a dog in. So a dog walking on its hind legs is one of the best things in comedy.

Put it in one of those, it wouldn't really have any ties. The dainty step of a dog on its hind legs. Barely touching the floor they are. It's like ballet. Sorry, you were saying I interrupted you. I said we don't have any leftover prams because we kept our kids

on leads. So worth going back. Worth going back. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I would say that in what has so far been a wide-ranging show, we've already discussed various things,

but we've now started to receive text messages about dog prams, Frank. Do they exist? Yes. You are joking. 411. Hi, Frank and gents. There is indeed such a thing as a dog prams, Frank. Do they exist? Yes. You are joking. 411. Hi, Frank and gents. There is indeed such a thing as a dog pram. We had to purchase one when our dog slipped several discs a couple of years

ago. He couldn't walk for months and actually quite enjoyed being pushed around. It was good fun scaring people who thought they were going to see a baby and then saw a shiny wet nose staring back at them. Okay. I mean, I would say I've seen a few babies with a shiny wet nose blast. Yeah. That's a different story.

I hope he's better than they had the dog. I didn't even know they could slip discs. There's no conclusion. I've heard of throwing them a frisbee but never slipping a disc. Yeah, exactly. But you'd think if you're on all fours that your back could have a lot less strain on you

I remember in my drinking years my back was never in better shape because I was off and crawled home very good for you 491 has said Frank the Laurel and Hardy thing is when they say the same thing then say Shakespeare

Longfellow with a finger on each other's nose to stop a jinx that's say Shakespeare Longfellow with a finger on each other's nose to stop a jinx. That's right, Shakespeare Longfellow. That's from John. I don't remember that. What film is that in? I don't remember which one it was, but it's obviously stuck in my mind. Yeah, so they say the same things and then they go Shakespeare Longfellow.

I'm reintroducing it. If that happens again, I'm going to come round the desk to do it. We'll just go go gadget arms and I'll stretch across. Oh, go, go, Gadget Arms. Do you get those for dogs as well? Probably, by the sounds of things. I don't think so.

Peter Crouch with Jeremy Corbyn's arm has so far got six retweets and 36 likes. Well, we're absolutely going through the ceiling on that one. Playing with the big numbers, isn't it? I'm putting that up there with Gingham style. Well, we're absolutely going through the ceiling on that one. Playing with the big numbers today. I'm putting that up there with gingham style. Which is what Dorothy from Wizard of Oz danced.

Apparently Harrods sell dog prams. I don't know if this is the name of the brand but the text says Harrods sell dog prams. Bob and Nancy Carruthers. I don't know if that's the person of the brand, but the text says, Harrods sell dog prams, Bob and Nancy Carruthers. I don't know if that's the person or the brand. No, that's Bob and Nancy Carruthers.

Thanks for the tip. To Carruther, I think, is to... You are to broadcast. Is to snog passionately. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Well, it doesn't surprise me that they have dog prams.

Harrods. Yeah, because a lot of people that go to Harrods have dogs that they wouldn't want to put on the floor in case they got dirty. This dog in the pram was already filthy, is what I'm saying. Anyway, there are dog prams. That's something that we've all learnt this morning.

I'll tell you what I learnt on my fabulous trip. Let me tell you this. When you walk around, I'm a big fan of the blue plaque. Oh, yeah. You had a brief blue plaque trip. I've tried Colgate. Can't shift it.

But, so I saw, I was in, you know Lewis in Suffolk? Yes. Famously anti-Catholic. I felt a little uncomfortable. Oh, of course, yeah.

They burned the effigy of the Pope and had people saying no potpourri. Yeah. Which is a blow to the gift shops. But anyway, we were there. I also, it's impossible to say, for me anyway, to say Lewis or for anyone to say Lewis to me, I found,

without me going, Lewis, as in Inspector Morse. Yeah. Anyway, so Thomas Paine was born there. Yes. So, do you know that? No. Okay. Do you know Thomas Paine?

He's sort of revolutionary. He supported the French Revolution. He's English. All right. Is he an Enlightenment figure or something along those lines? Well, he was late 18th century. And then he went to America and was like a key figure against us, if I may say that.

So that's him. And then Anne of Cleves' house. Oh, yeah. Now, Anne of Cleves, if I remember rightly, and readers will correct me, you might, was the one who Hans Holbein, the famous artist, did a painting of her. And when Henry VIII saw her, he said, I'm having that.

All right. So he brought her over to marry her. Oh, in a sort of, I'm going to marry that girl, can't I? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. The Michael Caine scene, Shakira on the... Yeah, Prince Harry watching Suits. Yeah?

Yeah. Exactly. Or I think David Beckham, when he saw that Spice Girls in the Desert, said, I'm going to marry that woman of Victoria. So it was like that. But when she came over she didn't look so great

Holbein had actually done her a few favours right and so Henry got rid of her horrible story if I may say so

but then again if you rule horrible stories out of a historical day out, you're not having as many fun days out. Can I tell you, those pictures in phone boxes are very unreliable. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Got some breaking dog news, dog pram news for you. 796 has texted, Frank, re-dog prams. I enjoy the use of re, by the way, 796. Re-dog prams. Re-dog is what they call repeat offenders. Yeah. In the car park business. Leighton Baines, whilst injured,

turned up to a game not so long ago with his dog in one of these contraptions. Ste, run, Corn. It sure wasn't his leg. I don't know. Well, what I like is that this may spin off into celebrity dog pram users spotted. I think he wears a lot of Dalmatian socks

with the face and the spots on. I think it could be that. Blaine Payne's already injured, turned up with a dog in a pram. Where's the blind leading the blind? Isn't it? Well, the lame. Anyway, my point was,

I saw the Thomas Payne birthplace. Yes. Exciting. Anna Cleaves. Interesting. Yeah. Is that where she was born? No, she's Cleaves, I'miting. Anna Cleaves. Interesting. Yeah. Is that where she was born? No, she's Cleaves, I'm guessing.

Oh, right. Unless that was a nickname, she was a bit busty. Yes. So, um... Do you think that's where the term cleavage came from? Yeah. Yeah. Cleaves. Most people have called it Cleaves.

Great Cleaves. History's written by the winners, Gareth. Exactly. I don't know if she got sent out. Would she have been sent home? No. Probably not. That's fine.

Henry VIII. Very animalistic tastes. Nevertheless, Thomas Paine and Eclipse. I'll never be able to say her name again without thinking of it. And then I come to another blue plaque on my walk. I thought, oh, where's this going to be? And it was, and it said,

the birthplace of the Banoffee Pie. Oh, no way. Wow. I mean, what about that? I mean, all your interests are being catered for history and, you know, you've long discussed your restaurant chain, Je Suites. Yeah. So Banoffee Pie's history is probably a keen area of interest for you, isn't it?

Yeah, the Banoffee Pie, and it was quite recent. It was like 1972 or something like that. Oh, right, Henry VIII didn't order one because he saw a painting of it. No, he wouldn't have sent back. He didn't look like a man. If I had to write, just from a picture of him, if I had to judge him from a picture, one thing I'd say, not a man who would send back a Banoffee Pie

under any circumstances not for me thanks I've got a beach holiday book yeah

no I've got this bird coming over from Cleves Cleves is that where Cleves

yeah everybody says that terrible temper on him 471 has given us some Anne of Cleves info hail fellows well met Henry. 471 has given us some Anne of Cleves info.

Hale Fellow is well met. Henry VIII didn't get rid of Anne of Cleves. He gave her an honorary title of the King's sister, which she wasn't. He could do that, of course, because he was king. But he brought her over to marry her, and then he made her the King's sister. Would you say that well?

Probably not. Still a demotion, isn't it? I see you more as a sister. It's even like, you know, you're a nice person, Al. Yeah. You're a nice person. But off you go. Yeah.

I'm going to keep her around just for the cleaves. Oh, no, poor Anna Cleaves. Anyway, so... Yes, it became the king's sister I mean a weird thing she probably how would you feel

if she was his real sister oh yeah did he have any other sisters or did he just bring them all over and tie them up as wives

why didn't I mean the beheaded ones must have been being led to the block going I don't mind I'll be your sister I'll be your cousin

cousin I'll be your sister. I'll be your cousin. Cousin I'll do. Oh, man. I am the jack. Now, you know about men's things, Al. What are you talking about? You're the most male man I know. You don't. I am definitely not the most male man you know.

We tried everywhere to get a female presenter to replace Emily this week. So I think you should have a woman on the show morally as well as for the... We couldn't. I said, oh, get Gareth. Close enough. Yeah.

Not quite in the Venn diagram, but the same postcode. No, but I mean, Al will know more about walking gear. I doubt it. Do you know the most... I get pushed around in a dog pram, I do. Have you heard of a mosto jacket?

Is it a brand name? It is. Oh, yeah, yeah, I've heard of that brand name. It's not like you've just got to have one. I like to call it a musto. The musto I have. Well, those cleaves are a musto. That's one of my catchphrases.

So I walked down the road. God, it's hot in here. Is it because my career's on fire? Or is it the heating? And it was good. It's a nice waterproof. I'm going to ask you about waterproof, so I'm not sure about the term.

But it's a nice professional sort of walking jack. I think they use them for sailing and stuff like that. Yes, yeah. And I got it. I ran, if you remember, for... I did a run with John Bishop on his week of hell remember that do you remember he had a week of hell so they gave me a lot of

quite nice gear nice I don't mean marijuana that would have been that would have been that was on John Bishop's John Bishop's week of hell. Were you offended that part of his week of hell was running with you?

So, it would have just been that. Snoggan Whittacombe spent an hour talking to Frank Skinner whilst running uphill. Anyway, so they gave me these coats. They've all got John Bishop's Week of Hell on. Right. So I'm a bit self-conscious about wearing them. If it had been my sport relief task, but the fact that I got stuff for helping on someone else is a bit tragic. Right.

but the fact that I got stuff for helping on someone else is a bit tragic. Right. So I've picked the patches off the mosto jacket. It was a meticulous business and I couldn't quite get the cotton out. So the cotton is still, the white cotton is still standing up in a ghost image of where the patch was. You know those shots from the barrage balloon

of the Beijing Olympics when all the people in the singlets were standing? It looks like that. You're up above looking at it. It's all these tiny raised white things. And people were, I could see, wondering what had been there. Yeah. So if anyone saw me on that in Lewis, that was what went on.

But, yes, waterproof. I don't think there's such a thing oh what do you think a lot of jackets are sold as shower proof now but i think what does that mean i think it's proof of showers yeah wind resistant i've seen resistant what does that mean yeah i'm quite a resistant type of character. I'm capable of death. Yeah, true. I'd like to know if there is such a thing. And my other question, 8, 12, 15, to walkers. Scotch guarding, apparently. Yes.

If you scotch guard your boots, they remain waterproof. Yes. I don't scotch guard mine. I found out this week that they don't if you don't, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Could you scotch guard mine. I found out this week that they don't if you don't, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Could you scotch guard your feet? I imagine there's probably some kind of hazardous material in there. Right.

But you wouldn't need boots then? Well, your feet are already, like, it's not the weather that's the problem with feet. Isn't it? Unless you're calloused and you go barefoot all the time. I'm one of those hipsters. Protecting it from underneath and above, I think, shoes. Yeah. I need a man pram.

Yeah. Can you get those? Yeah. I think Guy Fawkes had one down where we lived. Wheelchair? Yeah, called wheelchair. Oh,kes had one down where we lived. Wheelchair? Yeah, called wheelchair. Oh, yeah, wheelchair. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to get a hog and go on a mobility scooter. For the uphills. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Henry VIII had several sisters, this says here. Several wives, I thought could have said. Did have several wives.

News just in. Yeah, yeah. Several sisters, okay. Well, Mary. Mary, Queen of Scots. Was one of them. Oh, she was a sister? I didn't think she was that close.

And another text here says that Mary, Queen of France as well. I had a date with Mary Queen of Scots. Tudor? No, we just had a bit of a snog. Oh, my goodness. So are you ready for our retweet update? Yes. Likes and retweets on board.

Can I say, if you've just joined the show, I've found a fabulous, funny, accidental thing in the Daily Mail today, which makes Peter Crouch look like he's got three arms. It's one of those that will just be on every show coming up now. And when you see it, you'll say, oh, that was on the Frank Skinner show on the radio. And the other arm belongs to Jeremy Corbyn.

The other arm belongs to Jeremy Corbyn. It's so often the way. I mean, we could sort of do with a caption for it. Yeah. Okay, what about, what is the caption for the three-armed Peter Crouch, the third arm of which is Jeremy Corbyn? 8, 12, 15.

How many retweets for this fabulous comedy have we got? We have had 17 retweets. 17! Come on! Gingham style, Gangham style. 73 likes. What's the tune to Gangham style? Gangham style.

That's right. I can't remember it. That show is... I've completely forgotten it. Yeah, yeah. The candle that burns brightest. 740, Ian Angle has texted, Was Hadrian's Wall the original

Scotchgard good that's good that is good he needs to get on to the Jeremy Corbyn Peter Crouch never mind messing about with retrospective Romano British structures

20 retweets 20 and counting absolute absolute radio British structures. 20 retweets. 20? 20 retweets. And counting. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Gareth Richards is with us this morning. Good morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. What we should do is, as there's three of us... Making the show even more blokey.

Yeah. Trying to fight the blokeyness. I blame Anna Cleaves. She brought the blokeyness. Yeah. I blame Anaclypse. She brought the whole town down. 410 410

has texted earlier. Hi Frank and team. I'm a regular podcast reader but I'm listening today live

from a campsite in Wiltshire. The countryside is noisier than advertised. Don't believe the hype. All the best.

Oh. It can be noisy. Yeah. And of course Don't believe the hype. All the best. Oh, it can be noisy. Yeah. And, of course, the countryside is the home of the abandoned vehicle. I also like don't believe the hype. Don't, don't, don't believe the hype. No. No, you get that thing where you're a sheep in the morning.

Oh, yeah, they make a racket. And you always think, don't you, that they all speak the same sheep. But it's not like... I just assume that's dialect, that they're from different fields. Maybe. I hadn't thought of that. I like the idea they have different accents. Also, we've had a message from 371 who says, Mary, Queen of Scots, wasn't Henry VIII's sister. She was his great-niece.

I said I didn't think she was his great-niece. I said I didn't think she was that close to him. Apparently it was Margaret Queen of Scots. I think I misread it. Margaret Queen of Scots? What happened to her? Mia Culper. I misread it. Mia Culper as well?

I think she went into adult films. Margaret Queen of Scots. Yeah, so is Queen of Scots sort of a title? I thought there was only one Queen of Scots. You'd think there'd just be one. You would, but... There's two Queen of Scots. Is there a Queen of Scots now?

Susan Boyle. Yeah, probably. I don't... I met a bloke who told me he was king of the Scots, but not king of Scotland. What? By descent. Drunk?

No. Yeah. Birmingham? Right. No, he was on a show with me. Oh, yeah. And he was on as the king. I think it was a classy,

it was the James Whale TV show, I don't remember that. And a woman on had written some sort of naughty diary. What with all the numbers in the wrong order. Yeah, exactly. 566 has texted, Morning gentlemen, re-Cleaves and cleavage henry the eighth's wife catherine parr was known as a very keen golfer it was a sport in its infancy

during the 16th century she gave rise to the phrase parr for the course no why i like it i don't know if it's true i'm just reading reading what Simon the Cotswolds art dealer has texted, who's a very frequent correspondent with the show. And did Henry VIII used to say I was below par this morning? Maybe. Maybe. It gives us a whole new meaning to 18 holes with Henry VIII. I'll just do the maths.

No, don't. Wait. Don't. You have to do it after nine o'clock tonight. No, I'm not having that. We talked about that recently.

Gareth, golf, when it was first invented, had a different name and it was colf. Calf? Yeah

Was that worth the bother of changing it? It's like when I used to watch Hawaii Fiverr and it used to have a picture of this big Hawaiian guy who was one of the detectives and it used to say Zulu as Kono and as a kid I always

thought why bother changing that? Of course, as I've got older, I realise that Hawaiians were watching Jack Lord and Steve McGarrett.

Why bother changing that? Yeah. But then, we didn't know. Didn't know in them days. No. So we have a retweet update. Oh, here we go.

We've got the picture of Peter Crouch with Jeremy Corbyn's arm. This is absolute comedy gold I discovered in the Daily Mail this morning. We put it up on Twitter and I think it's gone... It's probably already in... It's gone across the pond. Do you think?

Yeah. Lewis. And we've... Strictly speaking, we've yet to have a joke attached to it. Oh, yeah, because we're having a caption. We want a caption for this picture. Even if you haven't seen the picture, don't go and buy the Daily Mail.

But it's a picture of Peter Crouch with three arms and the third arm is Jeremy Corbyn. So that's all the ingredients you need. Yeah. Go on, how many? 60. 60? Yes. 60? Yes.

We are trending. I'm not sure that's what constitutes trending. 121 likes. The best caption competition I ever saw was in a football programme and it was Garth Crooks when he was still a footballer and he was at Tottenham and he was rolling over and he was literally on his head. His arms were

not on the ground. His head was supporting him. He was upside down. He was really legs up. Like breakdancing. Yeah, but I mean it looked dangerous but I suppose it must have just been a momentary thing that was caught.

Yeah. And the winning caption was, Garth Crooks. LAUGHTER full Frank experience. Absolute right. Anyway, look, Gareth, we don't see you that often. What's happened to your life? Well, I would say... I don't want to put you on the spot. If nothing's happened, we can move on.

No, not really. I think in the last few months, well, I'll tell you about this. And it's a moral conundrum, really. Sorry, I can't... I'm a Catholic. There's no such thing as a moral conundrum, really. Sorry, I can't. I'm a Catholic, there's no such thing as a moral conundrum. OK, is that one of the things? That sounds good.

A conundrum. Sorry. I was off on a gig somewhere and I was spending the day with another comedian. That happens, doesn't it? Oh, it does. When you're out and about. You're on the same bill, so you're in a strange town.

And you get thrown together with people, all sorts of people, people you might never usually hang out with. Sometimes you go for a romantic meal with them. About two hours before, people who are genuinely going for romantic meals go for romantic meals. Exactly. Yeah, and waiting for restaurants to open. Yeah.

Well, we went shopping. Oh, nice. And looking, just browsing around the shops. Because I'm quite happy to do that. As you said, I'm nearly a girl. Depends on the shops. So many things wrong with that. Yeah, no, and it was properly looking for bargains.

The guy I was with was really into bargains, and it was an older comedian from a working-class background. Right. And I would say from the south of England. I'm not going to mention a name for reasons that will become clear. All right. And a very lovely man, but had a very different background

to anything I've experienced. Right. Clearly. And we were looking around all sorts of shops and we were in... Give me a... You can say the name of a shop. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Well, we were in TK Maxx. Love it. Just all sorts of things. Love it. All sorts of things. We were a were in TK Maxx. Love it. Just all sorts of things. Love it. All sorts of things. We were a bit unimpressed by the size of it. He said he'd seen bigger TK Maxxes.

That's how I always feel. That's how I always feel about the tracksuit bottoms. Either too big or too small for me, I find. Right. And then suddenly, there's a vase. It's a sportswear. Yeah, it's really brought rummaging back to retail. It's a great experience if you have loads of time to waste

like a couple of comedians on the road. Yeah, it used to be record shops. Yeah. In between shows at the comedy store, everyone would go to Tower Records. Right. That was great. But TK Maxx nowadays.

TK Maxx, and the comedian I was with was looking at the reading glasses. I mean, buying your reading glasses from TK Maxx. Well, because with reading glasses, you can buy them off the peg, can't you? Because you just get the right sort. And so he found a pair he liked and I was going to go and maybe try on a T-shirt

while he was buying them. I got there though and I thought, I'm not going to try on the T-shirt. Do I need this T-shirt? I don't really need it. I'm so often at this between the counter and the changing room. I think, oh, I'm going to take my clothes off.

See, what Kat does is she buys loads of clothes and then takes them all out and doesn't try them on. And if they don't fit, she takes them back. She uses our house as the changing room. Yeah. Yeah. She just can't be bothered to do it in the shop. And she's got a theory about people's bras having bacteria on them

and robbed against the wall and stuff like that. She did follow Anna Cleaves. Yeah. But strangely, hasn't got the willpower to go and get over that and try on the thing, but has got the willpower to take the stuff back, which you'd think would be a longer journey. You would think it would be more...

People are complex. They are. So did you try on the t-shirt gareth i didn't try on the t-shirt in the end i just thought i don't need this t-shirt okay um so i got back and he bought the reading glasses but he's back to the reading glasses and i thought he's already got reading glasses but he thought oh these were good i wonder if there's another pair like these and so i I thought, oh, look, these are your prescription. Try these on.

He tried them on and he said, oh, yeah, these are good. Yeah, yeah. And he said, I'm having these. I was like, okay. He said, yeah, I'm having these. And then we start walking out. Isn't that what Henry VIII said when he saw that pint? Isn't that what Henry the 8th said when he saw that painting?

And I thought, oh, what must have... Oh, you mean walking out not via the cash desk? No, not via the cash desk. And I thought, oh, maybe what he's done is he's swapped, you know, the ones he'd got into the other box. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, he's probably just decided he likes these ones more. But no, we walk out and he says, no, I'm having these. It's good to do a bit of lifting every now and then.

Oh, no. You know, keep your hand in. Do you know Arnold Schwarzenegger said that to me? Really? Yeah. I'm starting to think, no, maybe you shouldn't have mentioned the name of the shop. Aren't you an accessory? Well, that's what...

No, I think the glasses are an accessory. Oh, yeah, that's true. What about if you'd been an accessorise? That would have been embarrassing. To be arrested as an accessory, an accessorise, would be beyond humiliation. I've had a thought for a caption. Oh, yeah? A fair one.

Peter Crouch with three arms, one of which is Jeremy Corbyn's. PC gone mad. Peter... Oh, right. Very good. It's better than any of the others, as we've had none.

No, we have had some, but they're not broadcastable. Oh, they're not broadcastable. It is better than the others. Okay, fine. Good. At least I've established my right to be in this chair. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were in a retail shop with an older comedian and an older man as well. An older comedian and an older man? No, I'm just saying he was also just a man. We're just two men. Right. Sounds like it's going to be, he's a man.

He's just a man. Okay. What I liked about the preamble to this, you said he was a guy with an eye for a bargain. That's a lovely way of putting shoplifting, isn't it? Yeah, he loves a two-for-one deal. Yeah, so that's quite a difficult situation. Yes.

For you. Because I was brought up not to steal. Yeah, me too. And I would... My threshold for stealing and feeling really bad about it would be much, much lower than shoplifting. So I feel bad about... Bank robbery.

No. Almost everything. Yeah, everything. Just pretty much. Would you take a paperclip home from this show? If it was attached to some paper and it was by accident, if I just saw it on a desk and thought, ah, they won't miss a paperclip.

And thought, I need a paperclip, would you take it? No, absolutely not. You wouldn't, wow. No, I'd feel... I'd have a paperclip. I've got one of everything you can see in this room in my house. Really? Yeah, one of these screens.

I took one of them, Mike. Wick woman? Yeah. I've taken a few of them, I hope. Alan's dining table has microphones attached to it. Did you consider the citizens' arrests during the... My policy was always go to theirs if you can, because killing someone in your own home is a much bigger deal,

so I felt safer in their house. Because they've got to clean up their house. Oh, right, in case they killed you. That was a good saying. I didn't have any ideas about killing them. I think we all thought that that's the joke you were making. No. I'm pleased to find out that it was you that you were imagining dying there.

Yeah, it was me, because you don't know who you're going back with. True, true indeed. Any young people listening, there's advice hidden in this show. There is. Masquerading as comedy. Go to theirs. Don't steal or murder. Go to theirs and bleed as much as you possibly can.

You don't strike me as a person with a good rugby tackle ready to go to take down this thief. It was difficult if you were going to be gigging with him that night. That would be awkward if suddenly there was a gap on the show. I know I would have said nothing and then done material about it on the night. I just wouldn't have been able to resist it. That would have been awkward. I mean, do you know what?

You did? I did. Hey, good lad. I mean, I didn't have jokes yet. I just told him about it. And also, you know the guy who was on earlier? Yeah. Had he gone home then?

Yeah. Oh, perfect. Perfect. Yes. But the problem here is, so did you feel, you know, like secondary smoking, did you feel secondary guilt? I didn't. Like, it happened so quickly, it wasn't like, and it wasn't like he said,

this is what I'm planning. Right. Do you think this is morally right? No. Are you into it? No. Are you into it? No. No, he just did it and then I felt sort of just out of control of it and I also didn't feel like it was worth me saying,

I mean, you know I don't approve of that. Like, I don't think he gets. But when you left after we're walking down the street together, did he back refer to the... Yeah, so what he did is, when he said, oh, you've got to keep your hand in, and I was like, oh, what, in case you're called back together for one big heist?

What do you say to that? Oh, it's great. It's like the gorilla in Sing. Of all the old bank robbers who get... And he's like, oh, so we've got the map guy, but we're all a bit older they're hard to see we need a reading glasses guy so did he take that

he thought that was funny he had no remorse but did he know you disapproved do you think I really don't think he cared but I do you think Laura my wife felt like

I'm fully culpable as well. Oh, really? Yeah, well you've been made. I should go down for it. They used to call on Quincy, they used to call. She'll use any excuse. Sorry, Al. I think it's, is it accessory after the fact? Is that what Gareth would be now? I mean, not as funny as him

going through his thumb. I thought it was accessory during the fact. Don't give it a legal be now? I mean, not as funny as him going to his family. Don't give it a legal name. No, don't get me wrong. Is he a felony? Oh, yeah, mate. Oh, no. Am I on the lam? I think you are on the lam. Too hot for lam today.

I'll just have a calamari. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I think we're still in TK I know we've left TK Maxx We're on the run now We're in the

The vapour The vapour trail We're on the way back to now what is called our getaway car Which But But no It was It's quite a thing to happen But then I was now what is called our getaway car. Which, um... But, um, but no,

it was, um... It's quite a thing to happen. But then I was... Like, I didn't have anyone to talk to about it, because obviously it just happened. But then I arrived to the gig, and I was like, um... Well, there's hundreds of people to talk to about it.

Before I told anyone about it. And I was a bit worried about them. I'll tell you. It was over 20. Well, a lot of the seats had gone missing. One of the problems. I mean, he stole the show. Yeah, were you an accessory or...?

No, but so I arrive at the gig and I say to the compa, you never guess what happened today. And he said, oh, yeah, that. Oh, no, he told us about that. What? He's told them about it. Oh, already fessed up. My problem with it, isn't it a bit rude?

A bit rude? Yeah. A bit rude? Yeah. I feel it's embarrassing you a bit. I think if you're going to do it, go and do it on your own. Don't do it with someone. I just think it's a bit rude.

Oh. Yeah. You should have got your consent for it. Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying I would have, I wouldn't have gone up to the counter and said, excuse me, this man just stole some reading glasses. That would have been...

Yeah. My view has always been that they... When you go to a shop now, you have to get a basket, gather all the things yourself and go to a counter and you have to slide them all past the thing get to the whole price to the whole thing yourself I am damned if I'm going to distort

detective work as well they've got to look after their own security I think I'll buy some reading glasses and then put them back oh that would be a way of making I did that with a hotel I stay at there was a book someone left it good. I did that with a hotel I stay at. There was a book. Someone left a book, and I thought, I like this book.

And I doubt there are many people here intelligent enough to appreciate it. So I stole the book, knowing that I was going to go back and replace it with a more expensive book, but a book that meant less to me. Right. What do you think about that, morally? So the Bible was someone had left it in the hotel? It wasn't a Bible.

I've got a Bible at home. Who hasn't? Me. 8, 12, 15. You've probably got one, haven't you, with a knife through it on the wall. That sounds like good art. That sounds great.

Harumph. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We had an email earlier on I'd like to bring to your attention that it was in reference to your Banoffee Pie anecdote. Oh, yeah. For people that have just joined the show,

Frank has been on a walking holiday and discovered the blue plaque saying that the banoffee pie had been invented. In 1972? Yeah, was it really? It's more recent than we think. Hi Frank et al. And all. I didn't. Good to hear that you've been to

Jevington. Oh, that's where it was. Jevington, yeah. Other readers might be keen to know that my mum delivered the baby of the inventor of the banoffee pie. Wow. When she makes it... Interesting claim to fame. I love it. I love this claim to fame.

When she makes it, she always makes a pastry base and maintains that this is the original recipe. Banoffee pie with a biscuit base is a fake substitute which makes her tut and complain about the lack of authenticity. Jack? I think of it with a biscuit base, I'll be straight with you. And she should

know, she delivered the baby of the inventor. So, I mean. Exactly. Well, I like this because I like banoffee pie. Apparently she ate the placenta with a biscuit base. Yeah. You know, there was a bit of a scandal this week about the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Was there? I won't go into details, but they're not awarding it this year because there's been... No good books. There's been some... Well, it's interesting. I think they're in...

The committee are in somebody's bad books. Oh, really? Because there's been some sort of shenanigans, you know, the current type going on. You know the current thing. I don't. You do. The thing that's happening all the time. Tell me off air.

Okay. That's what I need. You know, there was a man who might not have been behaving himself. Oh, right. Allegedly. Oh, right. Gotcha. Okay. But they said, so they're not going to give it this year.

They're not going to. Yeah, in Waterstones, ironically. I mean, surely he can get free books. Brutal. Anyway, so they said, so they're not going to award the Nobel Prize for Literature this year because of this scandal. And we said, they've only ever done that once before, and that was in 1935,

because no one was worthy of it. Now that is really something, isn't it? Yeah. Imagine if you, say you put on, I don't know, the BAFTAs, and they say,

we won't be too long, there's only four this year. Most of the categories, to be honest. It's not good enough. Nothing good on. No, nothing. Nothing good on this year. Best actress has been Babsie.

Can you imagine that? No. Should there be best actress? Because I guess it's not best book, is it? If it was best book, there would have to be a best book. Yeah, because even if it was all rubbish... Yeah, there's still the cream on top of the rubbish. Well, even if it's just the best rubbish. But Nobel Prize for Literature,

apparently you can say it's not quite good enough to get the Nobel Prize for Literature. Who knew? 8, 12, 15... No, don't bother. 1935, bad year for books. That's what they say about it. Late review. Yeah.

Just a little tip, though. If you're in a second-hand bookshop, think, you know, I might have a look at this. If it's 1935, don't bother. Yeah. It's good to know. So, is there anything else from the outside world? We've had some jokes about the photo caption, you know, with the...

Oh, yes, a photograph in today's Daily Mail, which shows Peter Crouch with three arms, one of which is Jeremy Corbyn. I spotted it. It's not the Daily Mail's joke, obviously. Do the Daily Mail do jokes? I don't think so. They had an article today called Titan of Terror,

which was an attack on Karl Marx. That's right. Well, they've stopped with that. Yeah. You've got to give it, I mean, for sheer belligerence. The Daily Mail are still laying into Karl Marx. Great review. Well, 337 has texted,

Morning Frang-gar-al. Frang-gar-al. great review well 337 has texted morning frang gar al frang gar al I offered up on tweet point on the web

the following caption for Frank's photo the only arms deal Jeremy Corbyn would support oh yes

I like it arms I like it I like it then says love you bye Ian Stewart Dukes bit abrupt I like love I like it then says love you bye Ian Stewart Dukes

I like love you bye it's gone it's gone as they used to say at the end of the long round we never even had a chance

to thank him 495 said three limbs on a shirt yeah which brings you in as well

yeah football leaves out Jeremy Corbyn he's become a limb well you can't really tell it's Jeremy Corbyn it could be a reference to the council things

Ian Angle has done his homework you suggested that he get to work on a pun based on your photo caption Corbyn lends Crouch a hand Corbyn yes and Crouch a hand. Corbyn, yes. And he has.

I mean, he has. That's literally what's happened. He's gone for a say-what-you-see approach. No, he has. That's good, but it's not right. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Gareth Richards is with us today. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Shall we have a retweet update at the top of the hour? Yes. How are we doing on that? This is for a picture of Peter Crouch

with Jeremy Corbyn's right arm. Yes. Something about giving the right arm. I don't know. 110 retweets. Goodness me. I mean, surely that's trending. Isn't that class of trending?

214 likes. I wonder what the Oxford English Dictionary definition of trending is. Maybe it has to be like 200 or 300. There must be a number which defines trending. Yeah. It's like going back to the shoplifting. Is that a crime where, what point would you reach the crime

where you think, no, I have to do something about this? Oh. Somewhere between standing in reading glasses and just like mugging. If you'd mug somebody when you was with him. Yeah, you I have to do something about this. Oh. Somewhere between standing and reading glasses and just, like, mugging. If he'd mugged somebody when he was with him. Yeah, you'd have to have said, oh, leave it out, mate. Yeah. Would you be too frightened?

Please don't do that again. Yeah. Let's not do any mugging today. That sort of thing. Burgled. They'd burgle the house as if you're standing in the road like an idiot. Yeah.

Anyway. Gareth hasn't been on the show for a while and you probably aren't aware that we seem to be doing a Royal Wedding News feature all the time at the moment because it's in the news a lot. It's big news.

It's in the news a lot. When is it? May the 19th, is it? Same day as the FA Cup final, isn't it? Oh, and it took me a day after the 50th anniversary of Wes Brom winning the FA Cup, the last day, is it?

Well, her half-brother, as the papers repeatedly are calling him, his name's Thomas Markle Jr. And he's gone to the extraordinary step of writing an open letter. You say Tom Markle. He's written an open letter warning Harry to not go through with the wedding. Yeah. And it includes the phrase,

this is the biggest mistake in royal wedding history, which makes me think, maybe not that much of a history fan. No, I think Anna Cleaves. Yeah. Anna Cleaves who came over hungry for action and then became the king's sister when he saw her. Well, even then, there was a couple of Henry VIII's wives

that it ended pretty badly for. You know Cinderella lived with Henry VIII. Henry VIII would have been a great pantomime dame, don't you think? Yes. I don't know if they had pantomime dame, don't you think? Yes. I don't know if they had pantomime in Tudor times, maybe not. Yes, it's a weird, I think it's fair to say it's a weird thing to do. It begins, it's not too late.

Which gives it a sense of urgency that I don't think the open letter to a non-English news agency really conveys. Isn't it an odd way to go about sending a time-sensitive warning by open letter? There was no apostrophe on it and only one O on two. I mean, I would have stopped reading

then. Yeah, and it's handwritten and all these things. That's when you need spellcheck, isn't it? This is a man who should not do handwritten. He should depend on spellcheck. Yeah, yeah. Block capitals nearly? Oh, no, it switches between block capitals.

Common, very common change. Upper and lower case. But Tom Markle, you say Tom Markle, I say Tom Markle. He's saying, let's call the whole thing off. Yes. To be fair. Yeah, I mean, wouldn't it have been one of the great stories of all time if Prince Harry had called the wedding off on the strength of this letter?

Man, that would have been exciting. See, what worries me about... I would say worries me would be an exaggeration. Right. But if Prince Harry woke up this morning and thought, you know what, I don't want to marry Meghan Markle. I've changed my mind. He couldn't, could he?

No. I mean, there's TV coverage. Yeah. You know, there's Book... There's Book Windsor. You know what will be there? Dignitaries. There will be dignitaries there.

They'll be coming from all over the Commonwealth. Yeah. He just can't. Even if he's read this letter and thought, this has confirmed all my doubts. And not to mention, I think there's 1,100 or 1,500 members of the public. Members of the public have been invited. That would be inconvenient. They've probably booked a train. How did they do that?

They might have got a travel lawyer. booked a train. How did they do that? They might have got a travel lawyer. They just, you know. Is it like when people go in the pub and said there's a comedy show on tonight down the road? Like paper in it.

Yeah. That's what they say. How do you get a ticket for it? Do you think there was a chat in Buckingham Palace where they were like, we could pad it out with some members of the public.

Make it look like I'm still a public. What are they? We haven't had the RSVPs we need. Let's just give it to some members of the public. Oh, that would be... But how do you get it if you're a member of the public? How do you get invited? Are they people they don't know?

How do you define a member of the public? If they know them, they're not members of the public. I think it was like the start of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory I think they just got a golden ticket

and boom they're in but I mean is there a Tom Bowles I mean I think I think it just happened

does Tom Markle have a Tom Bowles he's not going over either so he won't be no he's not he's not going he's you know he won't be there no he's not going

he's you know what I mean if there was any how sick will Tom Markle feel if he does the open letter

the next day the invite arrives oh bridge burns well I saw a clip and he it was on a video and he was saying

you know I actually haven't checked my post for a couple of weeks oh really he said he hadn't checked his post box for two weeks so he might have

been invited what kind of life does he lead he hasn't checked his post for two weeks and he's gobbing off in um yeah

in you know in touch magazine you might have won the premium bonds fancy not checking your post Tom that's a that's a man whose life's out of control yeah he's got bills hasn't he he's got bills Bonbons? Fancy not checking your post, Tom! That's a man whose life's out of control.

Yeah, he's got bills, hasn't he? He's got bills that he's not facing. I don't know. I reckon. What you're saying, Frank, is that it is too late. It's too late for anyone to back out now. I think it's too late for Harry to... I think Meghan, or Meg, I'm now thinking

of, because that's what the brother calls her, Meg could back out. Well, that's the thing with a wedding, is you never know if they're going to turn up. That's part of the fun. Well, I think they are. I think because she's going to have, like, four security guards, so she's not going to not turn up.

She might be frog-bottom. She might come down the aisle with her feet not touching the ground. One security guard for each limb. Get off! It's an adornment! It'd be too much. How good would that be if she came down the aisle in one of those Hannibal Lecter sort of on the trolley?

With the hockey mask. Blatantly against her will. And all the TV cameras having to go. She looks really happy but a the veil that veil is much

much thicker than the normal it's actually chain mail because if you need to if you need to cover someone's face you're in a palace

the first thing you're going to reach for is a chain mail bag oh that would be... I don't think that's going to happen. Anyway, what I'm saying, if he has changed his mind,

he can't do anything about it. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Prince Harry's getting married. Yeah.

You heard it here first. I'm thinking. I'm, yeah. So he's marrying, yeah. Meghan Markle. Meghan Markle. The sister, of course, is already married,

Angela. What if he'd married Angela Merkel? That would have been, to me, that would have been pretty, he would have killed Holbein at Pinter. The letter says, one thing that it says,

is that how badly Meg treated the dad, Mr. Markle. Captain Markle, I think he's called and uh it says a weird thing and it says uh yeah she spends all his money and then forgets about him in mexico what is it is that one of those things obviously it's if you're a passenger in a car never go to the toilet in a garage because you'd always love to come out and they've gone. Oh, yeah. Did she get 200 miles down the road and think, hey, where's Pop? But what does that mean,

she forgot about him in Mexico? It was unclear whether he's in Mexico. No, I think he is in Mexico. He is in Mexico. But did she take him there and forget about him? It's quite a difficult thought experiment because she's forgetting about someone

in a very specific place. Yeah. Yeah, she remembers him in all the other places I suppose it's the

wall is the wall built yet oh it could be the wall yeah

America Mexico would be like North South Korea kind of

a thing there'll be no contact once the wall goes up well that's being fixed

even as we speak now the wall North Well, that's being fixed, even as we speak now. What, the war? No, the last half of his career. No, that's being fixed. You know what I'm saying? One door shuts, another door opens. Maybe, maybe.

Or another door shuts. One door opens, another door shuts. Yes, okay. So, yeah. I mean, if I was Harry, I would initially dismiss this as nonsense, I think. Yes. You don't think a handwritten open letter would put you off

marrying someone? Well, I'll tell you what though, it might just make me, I might want it fact-checked. You think? Don't you? Wouldn't it just make you think? It does raise questions, doesn't it? And once someone has said something like that, I mean, I get I guess they have a barrage

of all conflicting voices. I know, but this is the brother. Yeah. Although, if you haven't invited someone to a wedding and your wife-to-be

has said, trust me, let's steer clear, and then he publishes an open letter to the whole world, you probably go, yeah,

I get what you mean. Yeah, I think on one level, certainly, you'll dismiss it. But I just think, you guys are married. If you'd have got a letter a couple of weeks before saying, I have to tell you before it's too late, she's an absolute nightmare. You don't know her like I do.

She's treated her family terribly. Would it not have put a bit of doubt in your mind? I suspect not. I mean, we have to work from a basis that he loves Meghan Markle more than he knows the half-brother, don't we? Yeah, but... Nothing too bad in the letter.

Love is always shot through with doubt, like fine marble that's got those veins in it. I mean, I'm assuming that Harry and this half-brother chap aren't like pals, and otherwise he would have just sent it through a WhatsApp message, wouldn't he? He could have sent him a private letter anyway. Yeah. But he may have.

He may have sent him loads. Yeah. Actually, if you read the whole letter, it is hard not to think of Eminem and just being caught in with that I run to you several times somebody should do that it would be called Thomas

instead of Stan and since then her dad is going to give her away now isn't he yeah so she has invited the dad to the wedding what do you mean

give her away you mean exchange her for money I thought you meant he was going to give her away I didn't give the game away oh no

so yeah the dad but did that letter get the dad called in to give her away was he not invited and this letter thought oh god I look bad if my dad doesn't come.

Where's Mexico? She's probably said to someone at the palace. Yeah, she's completely forgotten that bit. And so was he invited before? Because if the dad, the dad could have said to Thomas, why don't you write an open letter about how badly I've been treated

and I'll bring you a bit of cake back. That's a nice idea. And he looks like a blo been treated and I'll bring you a bit of cake back. That's a nice idea. And he looks like a bloke who'd do most things for a bit of cake. Henry VIII's not sending back a Monoffee pie at no time. We're on the edge. But, yeah, that's what he's mainly pining for, the brother. The thought of that cake and him not get his hands on it? He'd be prepared to bring the whole family down.

Just for a bit of icing. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've been discussing the royal wedding and Meghan Markle's half-brother's open letter telling Harry, I think you're about to make a massive mistake. The biggest mistake in royal wedding history. Again, what about Anne Boleyn?

Beheaded. Yeah, spectacular. It's going to be incredible but there is worse than beheading there is one bit in the open letter that I think will really sting

Meghan Markle I think most of it she'll be able to brush off as going oh it's my mad brother he's bitter but there's a bit there's a bit in it where there's a mention

of her Hollywood fame but with the qualification tiny bits of Hollywood fame he says her tiny bit her Hollywood fame but with the qualification tiny bit of Hollywood fame he says, her tiny bit of Hollywood fame and I think she would read that and that would burn I mean she'd probably be like, well you don't know what I've turned down

I turned down a Bond girl because I was engaged to Harry you know, she's definitely had to No, he's been unkind Oh, that's very had to... No, that was... He's been unkind. Oh. That's what I'd say. He's very mean. I have to say, and forgive any of my friends and family listening, and indeed the people in this room,

but I don't think I know anyone who I couldn't write a don't-marry-them letter about. I think you could find reasons, couldn't you? Couldn't you find perfectly good reasons to not marry any wives? It's a big commitment. I could probably draft three pages about why my wife shouldn't have married me if I really thought about it.

Exactly, those are the pages you keep out of the way until after you've got the gold. Yeah. I meant the ring. I wasn't thinking. Yeah, so if you're going to be spiteful, you could do it about anyone. I mean, I'm sure she's not.

Do me, do me. Okay. He's a thief enabler. Enabler, yeah. Yeah, okay. Fair enough. But, you know, for the right woman, she might be, you know, shopping.

Save on shopping. Yeah, if there, for the right woman, she might be, you know, shopping. Save on shopping. Yeah, if there's a sort of a Bonnie figure looking for a clive. Or just a woman that needs reading glasses. Yeah, but he won't go and get them, because of his terrible guilt, wouldn't he? His pal will get them, though. What he doesn't need is a woman who needs a paperclip.

Get a paperclip when you're at work. No, I couldn't do that. You have to buy a packet of 200 from Ryman's. I'd be a good partner for Eve because she took the apple. That's what I was thinking there. She took the apple

and he just stood by and oh yeah, I'll have some of that as well. Yeah, but bear in mind that he got equal punishment. Remember that. If George, yeah, I'll have some of that as well. Yeah, but bear in mind that he got equal punishment. Yeah, that is true. If George, Tom, Thomas Jefferson Max is listening to this, the owner of TJ, Thomas Keith. I'm going to buy some reading glasses and put them back.

Haven't you got any old ones you could put in there? Oh, yeah, maybe. I'm not sure that's how shops work. I would... A charity shop. You know, they sell full-face balaclavas. Why don't you put them on there? And when I got married,

because I got married quite young, still at uni, and it happened quite quickly, my father-in-law-to-be took me to one side and said... Was he the tailor? He said, you know, if all this is moving too quickly for you, don't feel like you, you know, don't get swept along with anything you're not completely happy with. What was he doing when he said that?

They were on a log flume. He was taking off my trousers. Oh, poor Dan. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got an update for you from something that happened on the show a couple of weeks ago. Hello. On International Thank You Midwives Day, I wanted to text in to thank Frank. How is that today?

Two weeks ago today, I was in Labour in Dundee and Frank gave me plenty of encouragement. Remember, you became sort of an on-air doula. I shouted push. Well, it worked out and at 8.34, Jude William arrived. He's a little ginger superstar and he's being well looked after by his big sister, Connie. Thank you, Frank. I couldn't have done it without you. Well, I don't know if that's true.

Yeah, well, we'll never know, really, as well. No, but I'm glad. And I'm also very happy that he's ginger, my own child being ginger. And I keep hearing things that gingers are going to die out. You could actually change your I don't know if you've got business cards with occupations like comedian writer, actor

occasional midwife you could put on the end very occasional I think that would be on air doula I think people would think I was up to something probably you know what I mean yeah on a doula I think people think I was up to something probably it's me a test

available you know what I mean yeah yeah you don't want that no I don't want any I mean you know I think that's for the women of the tribe

you do get male midwives don't you yeah I think so it's not but not doulas are they called midwives there's not an awful

lot of them I think I read there was one in Scotland but they're still called wives. I don't know. There's no mid-husbands. No, no.

He used to be a minor. And I think it's a much more blokey... We all did. But it's a much more blokey term for midwife, baby minor. Yeah. That's a more masculine... But is it true that they are male midwives?

Yeah they are. Because there's male nannies that they call mannies aren't they? Mannies? Mannies yeah.

How do they? That's what they call male nannies. I did not know that. Every day is a school day on this show.

I'll say so. Mannies. How lovely to hear someone laughing at that a year down the road. It's not my joke

it's not even a joke is it it's a portmanteau word oh yes I said do you think that

I just noticed it this week Meghan Markle looks a bit like Kate Middleton a bit they're from

they're from the same or Pippa definitely does she yeah looks the same... Well, Pippa, definitely. Does she? Yeah. I don't remember what Pippa looks like. Pippa was going to be big and then didn't really... I thought she would be like someone who'd be in the papers every day, but she sort of went away again. Didn't she marry a hedge fund dude and just step off?

In fact... Whatever happens... Pippa Middleton. I mean, yeah, she was going to be the sort of new eat girl. And maybe she just didn't want it.

She married someone who was the brother of someone from Made in Chelsea. That's right. Good info. Oh, and I think also, didn't he deliver the baby

of the person who made the banoffee pie? I think that's right. We've had midwifery news in, 311. Quick on the draw here. The word derives from Old English mid, as in with, and with, woman. And this originally meant with woman. That is the person who is with the woman, brackets, mother at childbirth. Okay.

The word is used to refer to both male and female. I couldn't say call me back, I'm midwife. No. I mean, you could, but it'd be a different story. It would. It's the emphasis, is it? Call me back, I'm midwife. Yes.

Yeah. But yeah, but what do they call the male ones? Midwives, because it's about with woman. It's not about there, the wife. Oh, so the woman that you're with is the... Oh, I see. So both male and female midwives are called midwives. That makes absolute sense.

Yeah. See, that's something else we've learnt. Yeah, there's no... I mean, I hope university's not on the telly anymore, but who needs it? There's no such thing as a mid-husband, but there are, I think we can all agree, some mid-range husbands.

Yes. I definitely categorise myself... I've never said, call me back, I'm mid-husband. But that's not to say I won't. No? I didn't know I liked ice skating until a few years ago. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. We were discussing midwives and the 494 was sent as a joke. I, I joked, you hear the level of respect. I don't think you should

always set it up as a joke. Well, he says, it begins, I joked after doing in brackets such a good job of supporting my partner through our first labor that I could start a business out of it company name Nelson Mandula very good it's just that the Nelson needs a bit of work doesn't he well it would work if his name was Nelson

his name yeah if his name is Nelson probably not suppose. If his name's Nelson. Yeah, but is his name Nelson? Probably not. We don't know that for sure. If you went for Winnie Mandela, Mandula, you could have Wimmy, as in with me, I'm with me Mandula. I think I was told that doulas couldn't be men, that it's a female

birth partner. Oh, well, that's again, we need to look into that word. Now, that would be Indian, do you think? Doula? Yeah. Don't know. What about hang down your head Tom Doula? He was male. Don't know who that is either.

Now, here's a conundrum, Frank. 916 has texted. I told you I don't wear them. 916 has texted. It's gone all out of control now it was innuendo I know it's just in your face three blokes together

this is what happens I disapprove in many ways come on it's Emma Beer the levels of testosterone have definitely changed I know it's like the 90s yesterday morning this isn't me now this is uh 916 who's texted frank yesterday morning i asked the alexa

device you know the alexa device that does the maniacal laugh and all that i asked the alexa device for a joke imagine my surprise when it began, why does Karl Marx drink Earl Grey? I immediately said, that is a Frank Skinner joke. Frank, you've been plagiarised again. I don't know this joke. Is it? I don't know. There's so many jokes come off of me.

They just... I don't remember. Do you know what the joke is? Just fly out of here. Do you know the joke? you know what the joke is? Just fly out of here. Do you know the joke? I think what the joke is, is... Oh, is it clean? Have I just read the start of a filthy joke?

It's all right if you read the start. Why does Karl Marx drink Earl Grey tea because all property is theft? Oh, yes. Oh! That is... Is that yours? Well, that is my...

I'll tell you what happened with that. I started saying that property, I want property. Then I thought, oh, property's theft. And I was round Angus Deaton's house and he said, do you want a tea? And I said, yeah. Glad he just offered you tea. Yeah.

And he said, yeah, well, he knows me well. And I said, but I don't want any herbal stuff. And I don't want property, I said, because all property is theft. And he laughed. And the following week, he did it on Have I Got News For You. Unbelievable. But the thing is with pond jokes, I would say, it is possible for more than one person to come up with the same joke.

So, and, you know. Very good of you. Yeah. Very good of you to give Angus and the writing team the benefit of the doubt. We were first to Peter Crouch with three arms. Yeah. They can't claim that without any trail. They can't take that away from me.

Do you want a retweet update? Yeah. So it didn't involve Karl Marx when I did it, so what they've done is, you know when people steal a joke and they give it a bit of a shuffle, a bit of a reshuffle? It's like that. Maybe Alexa put that bit in. But, you know, it might have been around years ago, no.

I mean, Karl Marx, as we say in the Daily Mail, Titan of Terror, to that. I think he said it's 200th anniversary of something. Of his birth. The book, his birth. I think it's his birth. His death. No, I think it's his birth.

Is it? Happy birthday, Karl. We're on 147 retweets at the end of the show. Surely. How many did Gangnam Time get? Gangnam Style? Gangnam Style? I don't know if that was on.

I think Gangnam Style got more than Gangnam Time. Yeah, Gangnam Time got less than us. You see, I mean, it's a slow burner, the Jeremy Corbyn, Peter Crows, three-armed motif. It is. The next time you see it, the Isle of Man will be taken as their official emblem. Okay, so...

Okay. Look, it's been another beautiful week. Gareth, thank you so much for coming along. Thank you for having me. It's always great to see you. Come and have brunch with us now. Oh, that'd be nice. We can break bread together.

Let's dash off without paying the bill. I know you'd go back and pay it. You're a good man. So, yes. So, if the good Lord spares us... How do I end the show again? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we're back again this time next week.

Now get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.