The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Gap Insurance

Episode Date: April 15, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Divine Miss Em looks after proceedings and is joined by Al and Gareth Richards. Emily thinks the honeymoon period is over with her new puppy and Gareth had an embarrassing incident at a car dealership. The team also discuss Pippa's wedding invitation policy and the T-Rex's sensitive side.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is the Frank Skinner Show. My name's Emily Dean and I'm sitting in for Frank this week because he's not here, he's doing TV, he's left us behind, our sad old radio people. He hasn't really, he's busy but he loves us dearly. We're not live this morning I should say, we are pre-recording the show So what can they not do Cockerel? Texting Very good I mean they can but it would be a waste Well thank you for reminding them And for that you're going to get your jingle

And one for Gareth Great, perfect I don't know why I played Crazy Horses! Great, perfect. I don't know why I played Crazy Horses for years. I think it's good. It's animal themed, isn't it? We've got Cockerel, we've got Crazy Horses over there. Oh, well, talking of animal themed, have we done all the business, by the way?

So no texting in, but you can... They can't do anything, can they? Can they email the show? I suppose they could email if they're patient and they're prepared to wait until the week after when Frank's on, you know. Yeah. Could deal with it in email corner, perhaps.

And you can always tweet us. If people want to write in, what's the address to write in? Please write to us at Absolute Radio. Or you can always follow the show on Twitter because we do one tweet a week, I believe, don't we? And if you want any of your pictures back, include a stamped address envelope and we will try and return your pictures to you.

I used to love doing that, didn't you? Stamped addressed envelope to Saturday Superstore. S-A-E. One of my favourite abbreviations, I think. Is it? OMG. P.O. Box. What's a P.O. Box?

I love a P.O. Box. Well, that's normally where very dodgy companies are if you have a po box don't invest that's what i say we're talking about animals i've brought my dog raymond in today oh you sure have he's a shih tzu he's a little shih tzu he sure is your manager was picking it up before the show began recording. He's, um, my manager's in there. She's looking after him today, which is quite Mariah Carey to get your manager to look after your dog. She's already got him a slot on Mock the Week.

It's going really well. He's the funniest one on there. But, yeah, he's basically, I mean, I do love him and I do adore do adore him and gareth i think you've slightly fallen for him i've never had a dog and i feel i have a special connection to that animal he's so adorable and hypoallergenic you tell me usually i mean i was being very polite and i thought well i'm gonna cuddle this dogdle this dog because I know Emily wants me to. I mean, my windpipe is going to close up any minute. But hypoallergenic. So I had a lovely cuddle and he licked my face.

It's the most human contact I've had for a very long time. And that was just me. And then you met the dog. It's not human contact, is it? Although to me, he's more valuable than a human. He is extraordinary, isn't he? I mean, he does do a lot of face licking, which I know some don't approve of,

but it's hard. He's very overly keen, isn't he? Yeah. He's like a sort of, you know, his hormones are raging. Like a dog. Yeah. Like a really happy little puppy.

And my manager loves dogs as well. My manager's actually your manager. That's right. Yeah. Gareth. Kath. No, her name's Kath, not Gareth. This is Gareth. manager is actually your manager that's right yeah gareth kath no her name is kath not gareth this is gareth to me my manager's your manager i'm aware that it's radio and you've got a whole other manager thank you very much what's your manager called we're doing

we're going really inside baseball today on the show mine's called rover my manager's a dog i uh i just flipped the whole thing, I want a part in that sitcom. Fetch! We need to talk about Kath later at some point. On air? Yeah. Oh, okay. Because I'm very critical today, isn't it?

Not at all. Because I looked at her Twitter page. Right. And, well, firstly, it's an egg avatar. Right. Oh, I thought that had gone. No, it's an egg avatar. Right. Oh, I thought that had gone. No, it's an egg avatar. We're going to talk about this in a minute.

It's worrying. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was talking earlier about our manager, Gareth, who's here today. Looking, I like the very obedient way you went, yes. We'll call her Kath. We'll call her Kath. We'll call her Kath, who's looking after Ray. So the Twitter page is...

It's just she's got an egg avatar. Right. And I think she should have a picture of herself up there or something rather than an egg. Yeah. And then I saw that she'd only tweeted one thing, which was, I want vegetables. Oh, no, I think there was one other thing which was complaining

about a broken chair to a company okay don't you think maybe she should expand do you think she should be using that as a pr platform for us yeah i do okay do you yeah and i just think i want vegetables isn't going to cut it no i mean she's got enough clients as it is there's no need for anymore um anyway in fact i shouldn't be complaining about her because she does tolerate our tantrums I mean, she's got enough clients as it is. There's no need for any more. Anyway, in fact, I shouldn't be complaining about her because she does tolerate our tantrums and meltdowns. And an egg never looks good. It looks like the person doesn't know how Twitter works. None of you are saying I want vegetables either.

No. It's not really working. We should say today because we're not in our normal studio and we're doing a pre-record. Yes. We're in... The producer came in earlier and she was checking out the studio. It's a little room with lots of mics in here.

And she said, oh, this is like when people do a proper podcast. Oh, I see. It does have that feeling to it. It's a bit like a sort of minister. I put it to you. It does feel a bit like that. Yeah, yeah. If someone's made a political gaffe,

it feels like we could be clipped in on a news night or something. It's a proper kind of political studio. Anyway, I want to talk more about my dog because I'm so glad that you're enjoying him. I, however, have got to the stage with him, Gareth, which is it's

going well, but do you know in a relationship, for the first, let's say six weeks, you're doing a bit of a PR thing, aren't you? Yeah. Everyone's on their best behaviour. This is the best he's ever going to behave. That's what you told me.

It's one of my favourite quotes of yours. It's true. And it's true. But it's the first six weeks is very much, oh my God, I like Vin Diesel movies. And oh, I love men that have loads of female friends. They go out with her till four. I love that.

I'm not jealous. You, like, let him lick your face whenever he wants. It's fine. And that's what's happened with me and Ray. I mean, he hasn't gone out with loads of female friends till four in the morning. Right. Legend. Legendary.

I think he is a legend of the dog world you think yeah already yes brilliant but i think what's happening now is i'm just starting to notice the flaws a bit right and what's he's what he's done on the floors yeah yeah it is the first six weeks of the relationship when they, you know, they peter crouch on the floorboards. So like the honeymoon period is over, you feel like. And you've got to get to real grips with how you are going to move on with your relationship. Realising each other's faults, learning about them, embracing them and making peace with them. Yeah, I could get a new dog.

Yeah, I was going to say, have you got buyer's regret? So, Ray and I, yeah, we're going through this difficult period. We'll come out, I have no doubt, we will come out of it fine. Lapsed into poetry there. We'll come out, I have no doubt we will come out of it fine It lapsed into poetry there We'll come out, I have no doubt Oh it nearly was, wasn't it? Got the dog, she's going in the bog But yeah, I think it's just it's just that difficult

period when you I'm not calling it disillusionment I am Well Are you? Well, you were saying to me... No, you weren't. I won't talk about that on air because that's a bit on-vote. You can if you want. Can I? Yeah, yeah. Well, you said you have a whippet, don't you? We have a dog.

And you were saying sometimes you regretted it. I think we're mostly glad we've got a dog. Mostly glad we've got a dog. I think that's fine, isn't it? Oh, God. People are shaking their heads at the radio all over the country now. No, I'm enjoying this honesty. So what's your regret based on? Well, you know, just sometimes it's inconvenient having to look after another thing.

Like, you've just got to compromise all the time. Like, oh, God, now I've got to go home. Because, you know, the dog can't just sit in the house all day. You've got to let them out for a wee or something stronger, whatever. It's another creature that you have to factor into your everyday life. And I must admit, I don't do that much with the dog. My wife does the majority of the dog care. Well, I think Ray and I need to start having date nights.

I think that would be positive. Like the Obamas. This is quite serious. This is like 10 years into a marriage situation. Couples who play together, stay together. No, well, I'm not saying we'd go for a pizza. I'm saying he would maybe agree not to go to the bathroom on my handbag.

That would be what I would call a date night for us. It's just making that little bit of effort in the relationship. I don't know if he will agree to not go to the bathroom in your handbag. You maybe need to make your handbag less attractive a bathroom. So you have to do all the hard lifting there.

Or provide him with a more attractive I don't know, we don't want to argue the man's side of the situation, but maybe make a more attractive place for him to go to the bathroom. How about that? Maybe buy a handbag especially for him to go into the bathroom. How about that? Maybe buy a handbag especially for him to go into the bathroom. Oh, that's a good idea. I mean, your handbag is shaped like a toilet.

I've always felt that was strange. I know, but it's the fashion. I know you don't understand the Parisian fashions, Al. It's designer. But what are you going to do? Now, I think also he's got a bit of an underwear thing as well. Who doesn't? Yikes.

Most dogs don't. If only we could't? Yikes. Most dogs don't. If only we could have a text in. Most dogs don't, to be fair. Or maybe they do. You can't hear from our readers because, you know, they're not around this morning. But he likes freshly laundered underwear. Oh, well, that's where he and I do depart.

Oh, my God. Three days out of the para. I can't even speak to you right now. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So what you're meant to do with the dog, I apologise to anyone listening who doesn't have a dog

and finds this a bit boring, or indeed anyone who's got a dog and is going off it a bit. Like Alan. I don't think we should even apologise at all. If they haven't got a dog and they think it's boring, their whole life is limited. You can't go and watch Macbeth because you don't understand. You just said you're bored of yours.

Yeah, but what I mean is people that can't accept entertainment without having lived through that. You go and watch Macbeth and go, well, I've never killed anyone. There's nothing for me here. It's ridiculous. Watch a hospital drama. Well, I'm fine.

Why would you watch it? Yeah, but that's a very small demographic, people that haven't killed anyone. Come on. Yeah, exactly. We're not catching today. Oh, just me then. Scottish people that haven't killed anyone, certainly.

No, but you're right, Alan. I'm not going to apologise for talking about the dog. I'm going to talk a bit more about him. So the thing is, he's lovely and we have a great relationship. And he's tiny. He's super cute and he's got great hair. Yes. I mean, he looks like Liz Hurley.

It's impossible to see him just with the naked human eye. You have to have a magnifying glass. But he's very cute once you get him into focus. But then I am as well. So it's, you know, it's fitting. But I'm finding, you know, I just think he and I need to have, we need to work on our relationship.

There are just some issues there. Right. Just in terms of respect for each other. You know, respect for each other's space. And the good thing is he sleeps in. He's quite a lazy showbiz dog. Brilliant. So someone said to me, oh, does he wake you up?

I said, no, he sleeps in till midday. That's good. It's just the underwear situation that we need to get under control. I think if he likes clean laundered underwear, that's not a problem. I think that's OK. Yeah, would you prefer that he was going after the dirty stuff? I'd prefer he left that part of my life well alone i think that might be and you're not going to love this but thanks for

the warning is he just suggesting you put some clothes on around the house and you know what also eating leaves it gets old eating leaves oh well talk to me about eating leaves my dog rolls in fox poo does he? again apologies if you don't roll in fox poo and you find this somewhat alienating oh man it absolutely stinks the house out and you just feel really angry and then you have to have a moment where you go oh no, she's just being a dog

this is what she does, this is part of her instinct so you know it's a constant trial I feel this is very healthy. Like when Alan said that there were times when he regretted having a dog, I felt an icy chill came into the studio. And I feel like there's more stigma around that than if you said, sometimes I regretted having my children. I think people are happier with that idea.

I think it's very healthy for people to be able to talk out in the open how maybe they don't like their dogs very much. How maybe they've had enough with the dogs. When they eat leaves and run around with a bra in their mouth like Hugh Hefner. Not a good look. It does sound like a legend, you're right. Dog legend. Do you know what?

You and him, you know what you need? A little light on the town. I can see it. Frank? Frank Skinner. I can see it. I'm eating chocolate on air, which is very unprofessional. Possibly my favourite moment of the show was just as you were about to turn that fader up, you threw one to the side of your head, aiming for your mouth. I enjoyed that. What, the M&M? Yeah. I know, but if we were going to be sponsored by a chocolate brand...

They'd probably want someone more coordinated that could get it into their face. No, but it would be M&M's. You think? Well, yeah, because we talk about it so often on this show. Yeah, and we play a lot of M&M. Yeah. But the point is, as I was saying to the producer earlier,

eating chocolate makes your larynx fat, and I don't want a fat larynx. I think it's less specific than that. No, it is that specific. It is definitely a fat larynx you'll get. Is it? Yeah. I don't know about you, but I don't like a fat larynx.

Some really big larynxes on the train today. Broken Britain now. Yeah, tell me about it. That's what it is. So I'm also getting my house done up at the moment oh nice this has been going on for some six months you're getting it renovated into a shoe aren't you like a huge shoe into a kennel um and i'm having i mean i'm going full on there's a new bathroom a new kitchen everything exterior everything. Exterior walls? Oh, yeah.

Are you? Yeah, always go exterior walls. Everything. Great. Well, yes and no. Oh, not great. Well, there's two things. Firstly, they're lovely builders.

I mean, I love Pavel. I won't have a word said against him. But there was another character working there called Tudor. Right. It's a lesson in history so far, isn't it? It is essentially. He's suggesting a lot of exposed wood beams. Yeah.

He loves a chicken leg. The whole place looks a bit modern to me. I'm not surprised you think that, Tudor. I wish you'd stop playing Greensleeves all day. How many wives you got? The thing is, Tudor, I don't think Tudor... I wonder if he would appreciate this material. I don't know, because he...

Is he Welsh? Is he Welsh? No. That's a name there, isn't it? No, I believe Tudor is from... I'm going to get it, so bear with. He might be Lithuanian, I think. Oh. Tudor is from, I'm going to get it, so bear with. He might be Lithuanian, I think. Oh. Tudor.

Romanian, I think. Tudor is Romanian. He doesn't speak English. Sometimes Eastern European places are a bit behind the times compared to us, aren't they? So maybe. You should meet his friend, Jacobean. He couldn't stop talking. But Tudor, he's a nice guy.

He's really a man of few words. But he loves his music. Oh, good. Well, no. No? He likes one song. Oh. Played on Lute.

But no, so what sort of stuff is he into? Yeah. Can I guess? I have to call him a sire. How good would it be if the one song that he liked was Song 2 by Blur? Yeah. Can I guess? I have to call him sire. How good would it be if the one song that he liked was Song 2 by Blur? No, it probably wouldn't. That would be his next best.

I'll tell you what it is. Is it 1 by U2? No. It is the song that Tudor plays over and over again is Everything I Do, I Do It For You. But he specifically likes one performance of it, which is a stadium performance back in the 80s.

A niche live version. It's a niche live version, possibly in Romania, I'm not sure. But I've now heard it so often that I found myself the other day joining in with one of the crowd who joins in because I'd heard it so often. Going, whoa! And there's a bit where a woman sort of shrieks really loudly i know when the claps happen i know when he says come on so it's yeah it's wearing a bit thin i mean you know he's great so so he's had to go have you

thought of seeking alternative accommodation or an alternative Tudor? Another time. Well, I know what you mean. Another builder from history, perhaps. Or just any other builder that isn't going to play that song on repeat for holidays. Well, I'm not sure if I can sack him on the strength of his musical taste, but I am getting quite bored of it

because when he stopped playing that, I thought, well, that's good, he'll play something else. And then it was quite an angry political man shouting for about two hours billy bragg which worried me even more and in in english no okay no well i think if you ask him to change it he will do it because i think everything he does, he's doing it for you. I like that. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I have a building work question for you.

In fact, I've got two. I've got two. We'll come in a moment to what your MO is when the builders are there. I find that I over-offer tea. I over-offer it because I think it's the only thing I can do in this whole equation. They're all being macho and fetching and carrying and building. So the least I can do is go, would you guys like a tea? It's a place of our strength, so I'm good at putting the kettle on.

But are they using the bathroom that is part of your house? Or did they make a big deal? Because we've got a quote for some building work. And they said, oh, yeah, we'll bring one of those portaloos so it doesn't bother you. What's the situation there? Well, I'm very glad you raised that. Someone's had to. I'm not happy. Oh, Yeah. I'm not happy.

Oh, dear. I'm not happy. This was exactly what I was concerned about. I don't like Tudor in my en suite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In your en suite. Tudor has been seen in my en suite. I'm not happy.

When the other one's busy. When they'd finished. Tudor stayed the night. I just don't like it. But it feels really mean to say you can't use my bathroom. But on the other hand, you can't. Sorry.

Is there an alternative bathroom? Notice I went for a long... I just... You're not trying to send them to the Wetherspoons down the road or something, are you? No, but I think a port-a-loo would be more suitable. And then, of course, I've got the neighbour upstairs, lovely chap, but he's an interior designer. So he does, you know, he likes to offer an opinion.

He came in the other day. I was getting a wall painted. I said, oh, there were three shades of blue. I said, what do you think of that? And he said, he's a lovely chap. He and his partner live upstairs. He said, oh, he's Italian, so this isn't racist. Is Italian OK?

We'll be the judge of that. OK, you'll be the judge. He said, um, oh, a bit child's bedroom. Oh, dear. He didn't think it was right for the bathroom. So I said, OK, what about that one? There were three colours in total. He went, yes, well, if you were going to,

I think it would have to be that one. I mean, come on. He didn't, he wasn't impressed. He's not into blue. I think he felt that it was the best of a bad choice, was the third one. One was child's bedroom. One, he couldn't even put into words how he felt about it.

And the other one was a sort of deathly compromise. This is the neighbour that you told me had a long term relationship with a Smurf, isn't it? He just absolutely hates blue, that guy. It's him, isn't it? I mean, yeah. But, you know, it ended badly for him.

It's a bit like me and Tudor. I mean, you know, it's going to end in a beheading, isn't it? You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner show. He's not here this week. Oh, I gasped in a really horrible way there. You're shocked, aren't you? It sounded like it was my last breath. Yeah, I'm stunned. Even an hour in, you're still shocked. He's not here this morning. We're pre-recording the show.

We're pre-recording the show. Stop making me laugh. So you can'tording the show. Pre-recording the show. Stop making me laugh. So you can't text the show. But, you know, you can write to us. We established earlier. Write to us if you want your pictures back. Include the standard just envelope. P.O. Box.

P.O. Box 431 Maidstone Kent. Carry a pigeon, we'll accept. We'll accept to carry a pigeon if you've got any. That's made up, by the way. Or just tie a message to the dog you don't want anymore. Any of these is absolutely fine. I never said that. I don't want you to.

Can I just say, no one's getting rid of any dogs. We both love our dogs, Alan and I. We're just saying that sometimes they feel burdensome. It's a bit like the flaw in the rug, as we discussed many times. They're great, but everything that's wonderful has a little floor in it. Exactly. Am I right? Yeah. In my case, chronic incontinence.

Yeah. In your dog's case, I mean. I thought you were sitting slightly higher on that nappy. Well, ladies and gentlemen, exciting news. Yes. It's going to be the event of the season. Um... Hear ye. exciting news. Yes. It's going to be the event of the season. Pippa Middleton has leprosy by the sounds of that.

I hope Tudor's listening. Tudor's going to be devastated. He's going to love the time. That's three friends this week. No, so Pippa Middleton is getting married. Yes, I heard about this. I've only just heard about that in the newspaper. Nobody told me.

The invitation hasn't come through so far. If I could have a list of people not going to be invited to that wedding, you'd be in my top five, I think. Well, I'm not the only one on the list. I think that shows you in a great light, by the way. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. How about this, though?

The last time I was on the show we were talking about um prince william yes being or skiing yes well how about this i read it turns out that pippa middleton's hen do was on the same weekend no way yes so what i think is this is my conspiracy theory. Can I just say I love it when you read the gossip, Max? Yeah. My conspiracy theory is all of that Prince William stuff was just a smokescreen to cover up the fact

that they were having their hen do. And also, all the talk about, oh, poor Kate at home with the children. That was a load of rubbish. Because she was nowhere near those kids. She was in Blackpool wearing a hat. Yes. Putting a tenner in a Chippendales boxer shorts. That's what's happening there.

Oh, I hope she was. The mystery woman in quotation marks that Will was dancing was the least dodgy thing happening in their marriage that weekend. I love your conspiracy theories. By the way, mystery woman woman I think that's just bad reporting. That's just someone who they haven't found out who it is. We googled her and she didn't come up

unfortunately. Nothing came up on it. Well it's an interesting thing. So she's getting married in the morning. No next month. But at the wedding she's imposed this no ring no no bring rule. Yeah.

Basically. So that means if you aren't married or engaged, then you can't come. You can't bring your partner. Which is good that you've established that, because I think a lot of the guests were worried that they had to be an Olympian to go no ring. Exactly. You know, you need to have some Olympic link. You need evidence.

You need at least one golden ring. Like a theme party. Yeah, so I don't know. I mean, I think Spencer Matthews is her brother-in-law. So,

yeah, the suggestion is is that Spencer Matthews who's going out with Vogue Williams. Yes. I've learned all of these people

who they are. She is a famous-ish person who's been on reality TV shows. She's a DJ and model. Both careers that took a lot of training. Well, we can talk, to be fair. Sitting around a table. She's also an underwear model. Vogue Williams, did you know that?

My dog Ray would like her She models underwear for Lidl No way So on the Miscellaneous aisle in Lidl Next to the circular saw And the wetsuits They sound like

Really good investment pieces In Lidl underwear range I'm sure they're lovely. £5.99. Push-up bra. How do you know? I researched. I did quite a lot of research

about those pictures. When you say you researched, are you like the 14-year-old boy with your mum's gratin catalogue? Pretty sure. That's my worry. Looking for the potato section.

That's a potato gratin joke for those who are wondering if you need some explanation for that. I needed that. Do you know what, Al? I had a really quick idiotic eureka moment. It only took about seven seconds, but I got the joke in the end.

Well done. I liked it. So there's a whole thing going on with this wedding, and we're going to go in deep to this. I mean, you've already mentioned there's a no ring, no bring policy Does that mean that she's not allowed in? Oh, if you're engaged, you have to be engaged

Well, Vogue Williams She is engaged. Vogue Williams said she had a prior engagement and I think that's the problem love, that's what you haven't got. That's why you're not coming. But we need to talk about this more because I don't know whether you agree with the policy but i've got views on it this is frank skinner absolute radio we're talking

this morning on absolute radio about pippa middleton and uh her upcoming wedding which has a no ring no bring policy which i think, we've already discussed that people that are engaged, there's somehow a little bit of a holding zone. Are they allowed in? Aren't they allowed in? And is it a literal no ring, no bring? What about people who are married but don't wear a wedding ring? Like myself. People looking to score. Yeah, exactly. people who are married but don't wear a wedding ring. Like myself.

People looking to score. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you mean, what are they called again? Oh, filthy creeps, that's right. Sorry, I wasn't there. Play, play, play. You don't wear a wedding ring. Those really committed men who don't wear wedding rings. I just don't wear it anymore.

Legend. Exactly, legend. But you know what? My wife also has a wedding ring and quite often doesn't wear it anymore legend exactly legend but you know what my wife also has a wedding ring and quite often doesn't wear hers what would be bad and i know we just not get to go or would we have to put our rings off just put the ring put a ring on it is that gonna be like security going hands out hands out put the ring on feels unworkable no ring no bring can you imagine them checking your hands as you went and also I would just put a ring on without actually being engaged. They can't prove anything.

Exactly. It's not as good as... I'll say he proposed an hour ago. It's not as good as an ID system, is it? No. And what about people that are single that do wear rings, like Bobby George, the darts player? Would he be allowed in? Yeah.

He likes a ring. Or a lady sometimes wears a ring to put off filthy creeps. Yeah. I mean, I've heard of such things. Yeah. But anyway, I just don't think it's workable. There's no ring, no bring. I think it's become popular because it rhymes.

Well, I'll tell you why else. You're right. But I'll tell you why else it's popular. Like rap music. We've all been there. else, you're right, but I'll tell you why else it's popular like rap music, we've all been there we've all had that situation

when the friend turns up with a partner and she says, what's Seinfeld? and you think, right, okay, and then I think, well this isn't going to last, I don't think this is going to last, but I then get a feeling of I don't really want to invest

is that mean? No, it's fine happens with male and female friends I should, I don't really want to invest. Yeah. Is that mean? No, it's fine. Happens with male and female friends, I should say, the don't invest thing. Yeah. So I feel with this wedding, is Pippa saying, I don't see why you should drink our drink and eat our food if you're not going to be around in six months? I don't think she'll eat much if she's an underwear model.

She could have said a bit better. Oh, that's true. Well, the suggestion is, is that she just doesn't want that sort of people around. I like Gareth suddenly becoming a massive snort. Well, no, this is what's going on. A source, so the son have scored a very big deal and they found sources that were willing to talk about

Pippa's intimate feelings on the matter. Okay. And it says it's clear Pippa doesn't want to be outshone by any TV babes. So she, like having completely ruined Kate's wedding by being the talk of the town. And can I just say a very, like it wasn't Britain at its best, how obsessed people got.

Oh yes, they got very obsessed with her bottom, didn't they? Yeah, she did. It was the big story She just put a dress on Hayden's gone hay

The girlfriend just had a dress on I mean I think there might be a revenge thing Is she going to wear dungarees? I think there might be a revenge thing Just you mark my words She can't help it Pippa's wedding Kate's going to go real low cut

Plunging down to a crack See through back of dress If people are... Pippa's wedding. Kate's going to go real low-cut. I think... Plunging down to a crack. See-through back of dress. Imagine if she went in one of those Vegas showgirls with the feathers. Thong and see-through back of dress. Mark my words. And, like, William comes in dressed like Elton John in his heyday with, like, a big...

Or, like, Elvis in a one-piece jumpsuit. And they just go to town going, ah, you're going to ruin our wedding by upstaging the bride? Look what we've done. Much like Kevin Keegan, I would love that. I would love it if that happened. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So this Vogue Williams character. Yes. Underwear model, DJ and model as well. I don't like the slightly robotic way in which you're announcing all this information. Brian, I've learned a lot of stuff and I want to show off my knowledge. You actually gradually dress her during that sentence. Underwear model, DJ and model. She ended up in full clothing.

Also, Al, I think Gareth sounded a bit like Robot Wikipedia. Underwear model, model. Also Brian McFadden's ex. What's amazing to me in this story... Thanks for that, Gav. She's called Vogue and the newspaper doesn't seem to have made any mention. They've not even seized the chance to say she's not on Vogue or out of Vogue.

Yeah. Can you imagine Vogue the rug? What Frank Skinner would have done with that punning opportunity? He'd have been up all night. Yeah. Crafting awesome puns. Thinking about Vogue. Yeah. It's strange. Yeah. Not pinning Vogue. Strike a pose. I don't think Lidl the Lidl advertising

Vogue magazine. I don't know. Emilyl, the Lidl advertising Vogue magazine. I don't know. Emily, you probably know more about those sorts of deals. I wouldn't have thought so, but I'm not 100% sure. I think they're more Aldi. Morrison's. Yeah. I mean, I think we can all agree.

So we're all in agreement on that. We sort of see Pippa's reasoning is what I feel. But I think implementing it is a bit too far. Well, the problem is, is that for Made in Chelsea, aren't they, these people? as reasoning is what I feel. But I think implementing it is a bit too far. Well, the problem is that for Made in Chelsea, aren't they, these people? They're Made in Chelsea? No, there's a TV show.

You know where they were conceived? No, there's a TV show, Alan, called Made in Chelsea. There is, yes. And I mean, I can watch... He won't have seen that. I know, but I can watch rubbish on TV. I will watch hours of Homes Under the Hammer, stuff like that. But, I mean, it is unwatchable. And the idea is that it's...

Tread on my dreams, what it is. Tread on my passions. It's not very bright, wealthy people who don't do anything all day, just sort of hang around and have romantic attachments to each other, but are independently wealthy. And the problem is there is some crossover between those people and the royal family. They're trying to make out like there isn't.

Well, that's essentially what they do. You're absolutely right. Oh, my chair's broken. Hang on. When thick, rich people get tribal, is that the problem? Yeah, that's the problem. Territorial. They don't want too many other people doing that.

As you say, that's their gig, isn't it? I can see the problem. They're already good at it. But I like this guy that she's marrying. So Spencer Matthews is the brother-in-law. That's her fiancé's brother. He's James Matthews' brother, James Matthews, who I'm skiing. I've spent the day with Spencer Matthews.

He's the hedge fund manager. You've spent the day with Spencer Matthews? I have. He took me out in his Ferrari. Did he? Yes. Is that a euphemism for... No.

Do you know what? I was expecting the worst and I got it. No, no, no. I was expecting the worst. He was very nice. He was actually really polite and charming and I have no idea whether that was just him being nice because we were recording something,

we were filming something, but he seemed a very nice chap. He was nice and charming. Was he already seeing Vogue? idea whether that was just him being nice because we were recording something we were filming something but I seemed a very nice chap. He was nice and charming Was he already seeing Vogue or? No he had another girlfriend then and he stopped mid drive and said let's go and see my girlfriend, do you want to meet her?

And so we popped into this woman's office and she didn't look very happy at being disturbed while another woman was in the car. And then she sort of spoke a bit harshly to him in French. And then we drove off and he went, oh, never mind. And then we went to see his friend Hugo. Never come to

my office! Who was also in the show. I told you I'm bringing women to my office! And he said, hey mate, how are you? Oh, I'm ruined. I'm a wreck now. And then they drove off. Not financially though. No, no, no. And that was it.

So I got an insight into his day, which is a lot of driving around Chelsea. Just bothering girlfriends. Seeing people. Going to, I've got a friend who's got a job. Should we go to their office? It would be crazy.

Stuff like that. Well, that's their equivalent of going to the zoo, isn't it? Yes. Seeing what we do the rest of the time but um i noticed i mean there was a lot of tanned ankles and loafer action big wrist watch and powder blue shirt with sleeves rolled up oh yeah that's that sounds like the thing yeah but you know look he could have been a lot worse is what i'm saying yes well his brother james he's a hedge fund manager he likes skiing and mountain climbing him and pippa go cycling together i mean frankly they're welcome to each other i love it when people don't revert to time don't you the frank skinner show

listen live every saturday morning from eight on absolute radio Absolute Radio. I'll be honest, I think there is a little bit of the tabloids trying to create a bit of rap-style beef, a bit of frisson, argumentativeness between people. Sometimes they foist that on them, don't they? The rap battle, with Vogue and Pippa, you mean? Or even rap, just a bit of argument. Like, oh, maybe Vogue is absolutely fine. She might genuinely have something else

on that night she did say that which always sounds like a lie I agree but don't say prior engagement when it's no ring

no bring but but some people are shocked that her future brother-in-law will end up attending on his own

that's the bit that made me laugh her future brother-in-law and I thought well he's going to know at least one person his brother's going to be there for a start

his brother's there granted he'll be busy but presumably like the papers make it sound like what's he going to do if he's by to know at least one person. His brother's going to be there for a start. His brother's there. Granted, he'll be busy, but presumably... What's he going to do if he's playing for himself? Maybe they can put out some board games or have a playtime? He's got a solitaire app on his phone. You know what? He's going to have to go on the kids' table. Oh, that would be great, wouldn't it?

He's going to have to go on that table with the freaks and the children. With George and Charlotte. Well, I believe if she's got... Who is that man, mummy? I believe if it's a no ring, no bring rule, then that means old Meghan Markle Sparkle. What about no bling, no bring? Does that look better?

She won't be able to go, though. I've noted the joke, and I like it. But I'm just saying, Harry can't bring his girlfriend then. Is this right? Well, that's probably for the best. He's not in his settling down stage yet, is he? I'm just saying no ring, no bring. Because it rhymes doesn't mean that it's fine, does it?

You know, two tubby, no hubby. There you go. You couldn't have a wedding based on that, could you? Too much gin no thin exactly there you go why don't we just make them up

I mean my wife and I we had a wedding and the rule was if we can't invite I should have told you your wife and I had a wedding your wife and I had a wedding our guest based rule was

if we can't invite you we haven't invited you so I think there was seven people and then we just sent out a group text to people after it i'll tell you the worst kind of invitations though and yes i say invitations not invites because invites is an american corruption did i say no you didn't i'm just checking myself um that's the sort of stuff my father would tell us off over not too much kind

of time on the computer or it was don't use the word um invite it's invitations anyway i used to find um with invitations that i would be very insulted if i got the evening oh evening early everyone gets insulted although actually it's one of those turn up at 11 o'clock when there's a pay bar it's a shame though isn't it because in a way it's be careful what you wish for because you want to go to the day thing and then you realize actually that's quite a boring bit of it oh i like a salmon oh yeah yeah i like a salmon and this is not the sort of weddings we go to properly a meal what do you go to some angela's ashes in the car buffet in a function room that's what the evening is salmon i have a sausage roll on a paper plate. Salmon sandwich.

Salmon flavoured crisps. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. No, I'm going to name and shame you. We were starting the link, the mics were up, I was about to start talking, and the producer pointed at an M&M next to me and went, that's a big one, M.

I mean, I know Big Daddy's away, but come on, have some respect. Gareth, it's always lovely to have you here. It's a pleasure. What's been going on with you? Well, the exciting time has come for me to reorganise my car situation. Oh, well, Alan did this recently. Oh, really? I've changed cars several times already this year.

Oh, do you know what? If this was a Tinder match, it would be going well. Oh, yeah. We've both got Czech shirts on. We're looking very similar. It's very Brokeback Mountain today. It is. I like it. What are you driving these days, Gareth?

What are you driving? I love these chats. Well, a Skoda. The last three cars I've had, I believe, have been Skodas. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Three. Three Skodas in. Three Skodas in.

Going for number four. You going for Skoda again? Very reliable car. Never had any problems with them. They are comedy cars. Yes. When you say that, they're not as funny as they used to be. They're not as funny as they used to be.

Like comedians. They were the go-to car, weren't they, for the gag? They were. Back in the days when, you know, cars could say what they want about people. Yeah. But yes, it's time to get a new car. I'm going to be very careful because I believe when I spoke on the show before

about getting a new car, Frank was not happy with me going into higher purchase agreements in too much detail. Oh, really? Yeah, no, he really wasn't. How do you know this? Well, I remember. I was very forceful about it.

Oh, I didn't know this. Well, then don't mention higher purchase. I think it makes him come out in hives. He doesn't like it. Was he worried about the finance or was he worried about the boringness of the show? Yeah, just very boring. Just how very, very boring it was.

I think it probably ticked both those boxes. Right, yeah. So, anyway, so what's going on? I went and spent a whole afternoon and made a new friend with a guy called Gus. Who's Gus? Gus is the sales advisor at Skoda. That made a new friend with a guy called Gus. Who's Gus? Gus is the sales advisor at Skoda. That's a nice friend, Gareth.

Nice man. Young man. He's currently in Thailand. Is he? What? Yeah, so he's got a holiday. I've got to wait to get the car. He made so much money off the higher purchase for you that he's retired to Thailand.

Sorry, can you explain? He signed the deal and he went, woo! I'm out of here! I think you've been defrauded. So what happened? So why is he in Thailand? Well, I think he just had a holiday booked in. I mean, I do have to wait to get the car until he's back from holiday.

Oh, is that right? Yeah. I don't know if that's just how it's worked out. I thought that was an idea. Oh, just so you know, that's not standard procedure. Hang on. So, um, okay. They're not doing the customer is always right they're doing the salesman is right he's on holiday and then things start happening again when he's back unbelievable so what happened so what happened yeah well yeah you've met gus yeah

i met gus he plays squash okay he's your friend but he does in escoda they're not that big he's my friend and um so he says oh you did a lot of miles in the last one. How come you did so many miles? And I was like, well, I do a lot of driving. I'm a comedian. Yes. And he said, oh, yeah? I said, yeah.

He goes, really? Would I? And then he Googled me. He had a computer. While you were standing there? While I was, I sat down. Okay. Your posture's not that relevant. No, no.

So that's quite rude. Yeah, so he Googles me. He goes, yeah, first thing that comes up. I was like, well, you know, I don't want to blow my own trumpet, but yeah. You'd be more worried if it was the second or the... What could you have done? What could you have done that comes up before being a comedian anyway yes and then he he googled me and then he played a video of your own stuff of my of my um set on the internet and um i mean

i wasn't prepared for quite how awkward that was going to be i felt like you know when people are having an operation and they're under the anaesthetic, but they're still awake and they can still feel everything. Oh, a slightly out-of-body experience. Yeah, they're locked in. This sounds like one of the most horribly awkward experiences ever, which is why I want to drag it out a bit more.

So we'll be back in a bit. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. back in a bit frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio so gareth so you're you've met gus yeah that's the sales advisor at the you're on the cusp of buying the car from gus yes and i'm also aware the dynamic of the situation is he's trying to endear himself to me. You know, he thinks he's making a fuss of me and doing things I want him to do.

He sees you very much as a lead. Yeah. That's the term they use, isn't it? I think it's a mark. Oh, yeah. You're on the hook. What he doesn't know is I'm buying a car, whatever happens. I don't want to go around shopping around.

I always get my cars from there. This is the easiest sale he's ever had. So he starts playing my stand-up clip. And I realise how long it is with me saying hello to everyone before I actually do a joke. And I start sort of panicking. Actually, they cut out the joke I normally do about, well, just pause it there.

I'll give you the routine. I usually do a joke about Bournemouth there but they cut it out not to upset anyone Can I ask a very important question? Is he laughing at this point?

No well would I be floundering so much if he was laughing if he was rolling around on the floor I didn't say rolling around on the floor one laugh

No so far I've only just said hello and he's looking like his attention's wandering Okay Oh dear I'm hello and he's looking like his attention's wandering. Okay. I'm not sure he's got an amazing attention span generally, but yeah, it's not... Don't start hating on him because he didn't laugh

at your comedy. No, no, he's a nice young man. Twice you've mentioned he's young. That worries me. How young was he? Hate? Ain't like him. No, you know, he's younger than us, Alan. You know, we're getting on. me how young was he eight nine no you know he's younger than younger than us

Alan okay you know we're getting on are you two the same age no he's older than me all right he's hanging out with a nice young

man here so then what happens I was happy when we were talking about Gus I mean let's talk about how old

Alan is by all means did Gus manage to get through old father time over here did Gus manage to get through... Old Father Time over here. Did Gus manage to get through the whole clip?

No. I suggested that he stopped playing that. I said, well, maybe watch that in your own time. Yeah. But yes, I do stand up comedy in them. But then he was very interested in the behind-the-scenes world of comedy. Really? Because he was something of a comedy fan he believed and um we went for a test drive clip he um we went for it we went for a test drive and what they do is

they drive it out of the lot and what happened was he asked me questions about behind the scenes in comedy and i started asking him questions about behind the scenes in comedy. And I started asking him questions about behind the scenes in selling cars. Because we had a report and we were like talking about... When you say behind the scenes, it's all quite upfront selling cars, isn't it? No, well, you would think so. But I said, so how come... He drove me out to a Tesco's car park somewhere

and then we swapped over. And I was like, oh, how come you didn't let me drive out of the lot? Is it because, you know, for the insurance, I'm going to smash into one of the other brand new cars? I hope you said it with a slight edge to your voice as well. Well, there's a tension, isn't there, in the whole situation? And he says, oh, no, what it is, is if someone gets in a new car, they're very likely to stall it because it's like a different clutch,

you know, brand new clutch, a very light clutch. And, um, ah, so like they'll go, this car's rubbish. It's stalled straight away when actually they don't know how to drive it. So if you show them that it's a very good car that they can,

that drives very well, then you can't say, oh, it's something problem with the car. It's clearly you. It doesn't know how to drive it yet. Oh, okay.

Oh, well, I'm glad we've resolved that. Can we talk about the high purchase agreement now? Yes. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I was going to say, good morning, this is the Frank Skinner show, like we were starting the show, but it's actually been on

for a fair few hours now. But I wanted to just reintroduce my lovely boys who are here this morning. I'm going to play their jingles again, just because I'm doing it on my iPad and it's very exciting. There's a fabulous top song. And there's Gareth. Oh, he's the loneliest man in the world. When he's with Goss.

Yeah, not when I went to buy a car all afternoon. So we should say, we should say, I'm Emily Dean, by the way, and this is the Frank Skinner Show. Hello. He's not here this week, but the important thing is that we're talking about, we left you on a cliffhanger, which was Gareth was in the middle of buying a Skoda car from Gus at the dealership. Yes.

Over to you, Gareth. Not live at the scene, but, you know. Literally, we're not live. This is a pre-record. No, this is a pre-record, exactly. had he googled me discovered i was a comedian and um and the thing is he's trying to sell me a car so he's trying to endear himself to me so he said and he almost pulled this off but he said oh i've i've never sold a car to someone famous before but it was he didn't quite say famous with enough conviction oh wrong he

suddenly made it into a question which right yes quite correctly you know it's i mean let's was he waiting for you to step in and confirm whether you were famous or not no i mean we all knew i wasn't famous he didn't recognize me but i could walked in. But anyway, so we're driving and we're sharing behind the scenes tidbits from our respective careers. And he asks me, he's a big fan of Frankie Boyle. And he said there was a bit in a special like a Frankie Boyle DVD where it seemed like Frankie had lost the thread and said, oh, what am I saying? And he said, those little ad lib bits when comedians do that, are they real? Like, was that a real thing where he tripped up and did it by mistake?

Or was that all planned? Is everything all planned? What is the answer to that? I've always wondered. Well, I was going to talk to you about this, Alan, because, I mean... Enjoy yourselves, boys. I'm just going to get a cup of tea, shall I?

I know we're having a nice time over there. I think it's a policy decision, isn't it? Sometimes people do things that they act like it's a mistake. Yes. But it's not really a mistake. Yeah, yeah. Now, I don't really like that. Right.

I feel like that's a level of deceit that I'm not happy with. Yeah. I think, you know, if something happens in the moment, that's great. But how do you feel about that, Alan? And Emily, I value your your um no you go ahead i don't mind it i i occasionally will have a deliberate mistake in um because uh i got bills you've got bills as funny as we can i'm liking this comedy masterclass but i do want to find out what happened with guys yeah yeah so i asked him that question i said i'm always a bit like i

i don't really like that i think there's a level of deceit i'm unhappy with if you're happy with that did he not a purist under his foot purist well then what happened is he's trying to sell me a thing called gap insurance oh yeah do you know this yeah so it's if you're not familiar with it you total the car right you're gonna get an amount of money back on insurance. And it might not be as much as you owe paying back the car. And so you'll be in a problem and you can get gap insurance, which covers you for three years and pays you back the full amount of the car. I'm glad we know that now. To cover your, so like gap insurance.

And I'm not getting gap insurance. No. I live. You're better than that, Gareth. I live by the seat of my pants You know I will go whatever way He blows me

Anyway And there's more money I'm not made of money mate Where does it end? Yeah where does it end? First you get gap insurance Next thing they'll want you to get car insurance He's already got me

Paying more monthly than I want to Oh that's Like so he's out of it He's out No I'm not doing any more extras And he says He says it's It's £499

£499?'s £499. £499? No, £499. Per month? No, like for the gap insurance in total. In total, yeah. And I say, no, I'm not paying that. And he goes, well, I'll ask my manager for you. I like that you went a bit cockney when you said,

I'm not paying that. And maybe I'll go and have a word with him and he might be able to get that down for you oh yeah and i smell a rat in this situation straight away because he is doing exactly what he this is a pretended improvised moment this this isn't real at all you're absolutely right he is lying to me this whole thing he's lying to me and so he goes to the manager the manager comes over and goes, oh, what is it? A gap agreement? Oh, it's a new, on that car.

Oh, yeah, you should definitely have, it'd be dangerous not to have the gap insurance on that. Much as I hate to break this story up, we are going to have to leave you on tent hooks to find out what happened with the gap insurance. One moment, please. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So, Gareth, what happened with the gap insurance?

So they're trying to sell me the gap insurance. I'm dying to know. The main manager comes over. Just to bring people in, if they've just joined, the first mention of the gap insurance, it was at £499. This is the weirdest show we've ever done. It's getting close. It's so strange.

I'm guessing that with some aggressive haggling, Gareth got it down to £498. So, Gareth, what did you get it down to? Come on. Well, the manager says, oh, yeah, I wouldn't want to get a car like that without gap insurance. And I said to him,

oh, you don't recommend I buy a car? Do you think it's a bit dangerous to be buying a car? I cannot buy a car? Do you think it's a bit dangerous to be buying a car? I cannot buy a car if you think it would be too dangerous for me to do it. He called him. And he said, no, it's always a good idea to buy a car. And they both sort of smiled in a way where like, yeah, we all know what's going on here. But I like what you said, Gareth, because that was a sick burn. Yeah.

Well done. And then he says, I'll let 399. OK. So you've got, I'll let 399. Okay. So you got 100 quid off. Brilliant. It was very convenient that exactly 100. He's able to go 100, exactly 100 pounds down to 399. Anyway, I wasn't having any of it.

And I felt betrayed by Gus that he did that whole charade. And at the end I said, because it was a long time and I was a bit low in energy, so I was a bit cheesed off. And I said to him, really enjoyed your little show there. Oh, Gareth. He said, what do you mean? I said, oh, yeah, your whole, you know, little show with your manager. You didn't say shtick.

Yeah, I didn't. No, I didn't say shtick. Because you put him in his place then. Well, he'd lost me, frankly. I need to know, though. So you didn't get the gap insurance? I didn't get the gap insurance, no. But he did put Gus in his place.

He did? His place is Thailand. And so Gus is now in Thailand? Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm devastated that you didn't get the gap insurance. I think you might come to regret that. If anyone sees me out and about on the roads,

please don't drive into me. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. What else? That's what Frank always says. What else? Well, we've got some animal news. We've already done dogs. You know I love a bit of animal corner.

What about Tyrannosaurus Rex news? Oh, late review. Somewhat late review, I'll grant you. The papers are saying that the Tyrannosaurus Rex was a sensitive lover, the scientists find. It's true, isn't it? I'll be honest. Spencer Matthews reveals. I think there is a little bit of a hop, skip and a jump from the data that they've found to that conclusion.

I mean, oh, really? Okay, well, they called him a sensitive love. They're massaging the headline to make it seem more... I think they're massaging the T-Rex. Yes. Okay. He doesn't seem like he'd be very ooh, baby, the T-Rex, does he? He seems a bit scaly.

Basically, they found out that its face would have been much more sensitive than they would have expected oh i see okay um he had a sensitive nose i believe i believe it is the nose and uh and it it might even have yearned to be touched i mean we've all had nights like this, but... I've got this idea of the T-Rex sitting around listening to magic. That's one of our stablemates, so I can mention them. Listening to some of those love songs, Al? Yeah, and they've said in the quite scientific report, in Scientific Reports, that's the journal,

in courtship, Tyrannosaurids might have rubbed their sensitive faces together as a vital part of pre-copulatory play. They don't make it sound very sexy. I think the assembled science community said, ugh, get a room. So this was a sort of pre-hanky-panky ritual

they used to do. And I guess the idea of nuzzling up against each other, that is cuter than perhaps you would normally think a T-Rex was. Yeah. I'm not sure about... They've got more of an aggressive, bitey reputation, haven't they? Yeah, yeah. Rather than an Eskimo kiss.

I just can't see them as sensitive. Oh, no, look at the water. The water's rippling. What's happening? Something terrible's happening. Oh, no, there's the eye in the Land Rover door, and then a man gets eaten off a toilet the thing that's the normal that's what would have well that's just a thursday in my house

but that's the one thing that i would be put off with the t-rex would be the eye yeah you don't want a t-rex giving you the eye but the eyes i remember from that jurassic park i don't know if it was the t-rex but they've got a scary eye. Well, Em, it might be okay for you because they'll nuzzle you with their sensitive nose, but their eyes are on the side of their head. So it's only if they're like a goose. So it's only if they turn their head around that you'll be able to get a good look at

you with his eye. I should stay on the record firmly. I'm not planning on any romantic entanglements with the T-Rex. Well, the thing is, the suggestion is that we're all supposed to reassess the Tyrannosaurus Rex and see them as some sort of Tom Jones-style sex symbol. I thought we were meant to see them as a bit of a lovely new man. So I'm seeing the T-Rex.

They're more gentle than they've been given credit for. I don't know how they come up with, scientifically, how they know that they yearn to be touched. What have they found in T-Rex's diary? Under a prehistoric pillow with a lock on it and they've managed to open the lock. The T-Rex five-year diary. Just ate a stegosaurus, now I yearn to be touched.

I just wish he'd give me a bit more of his time. I think they're quite needy T-Rexes. So we're talking about T-Rexes on Absolute Radio this morning and their sensitive side. And, I mean, we're not saying they were good lovers because i don't know the answer to that question no um but they're saying they had a very sensitive face yeah they reckon they might have utilized in their the nose specifically good nose so the nose frank had a routine about it in his last talk, but I'm not going to go into that. He did, yeah.

It said the nose was as sensitive as the human fingertips. Yes, like a third hand. And I think why that makes sense to me is that T-Rexes do have quite short arms. They do? Do they? So, yes. They're known for it.

Oh, like Maradona or something. Little arms out the front. He's got little arms, Maradona. Yes. Although he got it to that ball, didn't he? He did, indeed. Late review. Hand of God.

I don't think anyone listening to this show is even born for Hand of God. I remember it well. I struggled when they said they might have rubbed their sensitive noses together as a vital part of pre-copulatory play. Vital is the word that I challenged there. There might have rubbed their sensitive noses together as a vital part of pre-copulatory play, vital is the word that I challenged there.

Like, there might have been one T-Rex that tried to skip that stage and the other T-Rex was like, hang on, nose first. I'm not a goer. I'm not like the girls you've heard about. What do you think I am? What kind of a dinosaur do you think I am? If you need to ease me in, don't go straight for the face. Vital.

But if their noses were that sensitive... I mean, you could at least buy me dinner first. If their noses were that sensitive, surely those little hands would have been a real problem. Can you stop saying little hands? It's a bit creepy. When it gets itchy, they would probably want to give the snout a little wipe

and then they can't because they've got one of the things i find most creepy about the t-rex yeah those horrible little hands i mean i realize it's not an everyday problem for me it doesn't no one's asking you to go out with a t-rex but i just there's something about them that gives me the creeps a bit if i'm honest and now this new information coming to light i don't know well it's it's suspicious on a number of levels i feel like maybe a scientist is trying to do a pr exercise on the t-rex to convince us it'll be okay to clone them from their dna that he's found in a mosquito in amber yeah and create a theme park and i think that is going to be a mistake and i'm not falling

for it and also they're not interested in human love no they're not going to want to get together with us anyway why are we none of our business you're wearing an extremely scaly suit i just hope that there are some really pedantic people listening and thinking man never cohabited with dinosaur well you say that but i've got a lovely dinosaur onesie. I'm going to crack that out. I'll take it back then. The creationists are right.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So the cockerel, he's been on his, I was going to say what irritating people say, which is, have you been on your holly bobs? Oh, I thought you were going to say he's been on his jollies. say what irritating people say which is have you been on your holly bobs? Oh I thought you were going to say he's been on his jollies Jollies, holly bobs So you've been away haven't you Cockerell?

We have, the family went during the half term break for a what I think they call a mini break to Brussels Lovely. It was lovely So you went in the designated family holiday time and spent the Benjamins.

Congratulations. We spent the Benjamins and then some. Oh, my God. 160 quid just for the Whippet Hotel. And that's before we've even set foot on the plane. Don't get me started. Now, the Whippet Hotel, is that where you stayed in Brussels?

Now, that sounds more like a couple away sort of place. That's where the dog stayed. The dog stayed in the Hilton Manchester. We stayed in the Whippet Hotel in Brussels. I love the sound of the Whippet Hotel. You have to wear flat caps there. That's conversationally what we call it. But anyway, I don't want to get bogged down into moaning about the price of the dog.

I'd rather moan about the actual holiday. No, we'd rather hear about the price of the holiday. So how was Brussels? You wanted to take the kids to have one last look at the home of the actual holiday. No, we'd rather hear about the price of the holiday. So how was Brussels? You wanted to take the kids to have one last look at the home of the European Union. Exactly. We'll probably visit all the European

cities that we can in the next two years. That would be a lovely grand tour, wouldn't it? It would. Get it while you can. But, let me just say, much to my chagrin, not a single Brussels sprout did I see in the whole time in Brussels. I think they're overrated anyway. I love them, but people really dislike them.

And yet they bang on about other foods around the world. Like if you go to Melton Mowbray, you'll hear plenty of pork pie chat. In Aberdeen Angusus you'll get a steak but Brussels not a single sprout and they went on about mule freets there's loads of mule freets there which annoys me because surely

so was it a food based journey my initial puzzlement on return is why aren't they banging on about Brussels sprouts why can't you get on about Brussels sprouts? Why can't you get like a Brussels sprout in Brussels? But you can get mule.

And why are they calling them mule there? Surely they could be calling them Brussels mussels. Brussels eggs. Well, yeah. Although I just worry that this is ruining the enjoyment of your holiday. No, it was nice. When the kids upset, you promised the kids some Brussels sprouts action. Let's face it, that's an incentiviser. You haven't had a Brussels sprout until you've had one in Brussels.

I'll tell you what we're going to have, kids. They look quite delighted. Brussels sprouts ice cream. Although we did have a worrying moment, the children. My son particularly is a big fan of Tintin, which was one of the reasons that we went to... I thought you were going to say Tinder. Don't get him on Tinder.

Give it time, though. They grow up so fast. But we went to Brussels partly to look in the comic book museum oh there's a comic book museum there's loads of tin tin stuff and we went into this shop that we were just passing it just looked like a comic book shop and we went oh let's go in here

tiny little shop and I'm not exaggerating it was stacked from the floor to the ceiling with comics and annuals to the point where we couldn't quite get in the shop and the man said i'm sorry we've been open 20 years and we really need to have a tidy up but four people could not get in because the shop was so full of comics and i was really worried about a tower of comics falling onto one of my children. Do you know this sounds

like Jonathan Ross's house? Oh really? He's probably got more room. So did you, oh but I like the sound of this shop though. Terrifying. I mean normally I'm worried about. What the prices? No I'm worried about my kids bumping into stuff in shops and hurting, like breaking. I'm worried

about breakages that the kids might do in shops. This, I was worried about the shops breaking my children. Like I don't want a tower of magazines falling onto a five year old. He's on Tinder at the moment. That's fine. So the Cockerels in Brussels...

Oh, I had an awful episode. I had an awful episode in Brussels. What happened? We were visiting a thing called the Atomium there, which is this beautiful, big structure that they built that looks like an atom. But nearby there was a little park, so we went to walk around it.

We had drugs. No, but we went to walk around it we had trucks but we went to walk around this park and they had they had little sort of obstacle courses and like some pull-up bars and some climbing stuff so we were letting the kids have a climb and it was good burn off a little bit of energy yeah and so we were all playing all four of us and there were some little hurdle bars that then had some higher hurdle bars and my wife did some running over the hurdles saying, oh, let's have a go at this. And I thought she had a slightly strange hurdling style. So I said, I don't know what mine would be, my hurdling style. I said, I'm going to because I thought she was hurdling, but sort of putting her leg around the outside of the hurdle.

So not really going over, going sideways. So I said, I'm going to do an impression of your hurdling and then i went to do it and clipped one of the hurdles and fell flat on my face scratched my shin really badly and sprained my right ankle in the middle of sarcastic hurdling so it was an instant karma. It was a karma injury. Yeah, and guess what you don't get with a karma injury? What? Sympathy. Sympathy, exactly.

What you get is, oh, well, that's the injury that you got making fun of me, isn't it? Because you're a meanie. I was just trying to join in and be a bit wild. You should have taken out one of Gareth's complicated insurance plans. That would have helped you. I don't... This is how bad it was. We were on a hop-on, hop-off bus tour and I had to literally hop on.

I would have been absolutely, I would have been so happy if that happened to you, if you'd have laughed at my hurdling style. My leg was pouring blood as we were on our way to the next stop. It was ridiculous. Oh, Alan. And did you see the urinating baby? We did.

Yeah, that's a big famous thing in Brussels. Anyway. But I mean, I've seen many of those. On that bombshell, on that bombshell, we're going to have to wrap up. Oh, what? You don't want to talk more about... No, I do, but we need to talk about this offer here.

I've got some questions. Thank you so much for joining us this morning. Frank will be back next week and we'll be back in our normal studio and you can text in and we look forward to hearing from you very much. Thank you, Gareth. Thank you, Cockrell. We'll be seeing you.