The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Gdansk

Episode Date: September 30, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss Frank's week. He's been to Poland, the Opera and Arsenal. They also have 'Steven' news, Seagal and Spielberg!

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner and I'm on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. If you text us, we'll probably, or not sure, we'll respond. You'll have to use the number 81215. Or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website follow the show

I just suggest you can hear it to me rather than actually get involved like a Nazarene yeah exactly anyway morning Jim morning morning Richie

morning Peter very good we've had a question already Frank this is from Henners from Gravesend Morning, Richie. Morning, Peter. Very good. We've had a question already, Frank. Ah. This is from Henners from Gravesend. OK. Morning, Frank and the gang.

How old is too old to enjoy programmes like The Simpsons? Kind regards, Henners from Gravesend. I think you're all right at any age with The Simpsons, as long as you avoid in everyday conversation saying, it's like that episode of The Simpsons, isn't it, when, don't do that. Well, can I just add... Or Seinfeld. Or Curb.

Or Curb, your enthusiasm. Avoid. If you're going to use an example from a TV show, go a little bit obscure. You know, try and say... It Ain't Half Hot Mum, I would say. It Ain't Half Hot Mum. It's like that episode of It Ain't Half Hot Mum.

It is, yeah. Now, that would be great. That would be great. I'm trying to think of an episode where that would work. You know, it's like that episode of It Ain't Half Hot Mum where the sergeant major says, Oh, lovely boy. And then, you know, you've got... episode of It Ain't Half Hot Mum where the sergeant major says, Oh, lovely boy. And then, you know, you've got...

You could say that if you saw... Say one of those, you know, the Diet Pepsi. If you're a group of women at work and there's a builder with no shirt on outside, you could say... It's like that episode, isn't it? And then do the Oh, lovely boy thing. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you... Get back to the show, that's your lovely boy. You could do all that. See, then. Oh, you'll get back to us. Oh, that's your lovely boy. You can do all that. Do all the voices, don't you? Oh, really unusual reference. Yeah, yeah. What a change. An old curb simp sign.

They won't do it. Aint our hot mum, the snowflakes? No, I don't think they will. But they'll learn. Well, I've got a caveat. Sorry, Al. This whole chat reminds me of an episode of Birds of a Feather. How dare you?

Sorry, I said that looking at you. You really did look at me. What does that make Frank? Who's the main male in Birds of a Feather? I know exactly who the main male is. That's a good question. No, I know it. He's played by an actor called Peter Policarpo.

Thank you. He ended up in prison, though, I believe. In the real world? No, not in the real world, in the show. Oh, OK. Yeah. But I've got a caveat with the cartoons. Please don't watch them after 7pm,

because that just makes me want to end my world. Oh, really? If I go into someone's house and there are cartoons on after 7 o'clock, I just feel ill. Do you think, oh, we should be watching Channel 4 News, guys? I just don't watch cartoons. It's depressing. I think The Simpsons is a gift that keeps giving.

I think it's alright. It's tremendous work. Just keep it to yourself. Late review. We've started with an early review, haven't we? Coincidentally, we were playing a game this morning with a book. There's a book of

photographs of comedians and everyone is accompanied by not everyone's accompanied by a joke. Some of the comedians can't come up with one joke. I haven't got one. They just had a picture of themselves. They just have a picture saying, if I come with a joke I'll email you, you can do it, put it in

post. But Just have a picture saying, if I come with a joke, I'll email you, you can do it, put it in post. But the joke I do, I'm going to do it now. Oh, yeah. What, the joke that you're in the book with? The joke I'm in the book with. Well, I read it out. I should plug the book, I can't reach it. The producer has not really been my right-hand person today.

Comedians versus? It's by Steve Best, who is a former... He's a comic, but he's also a former support act of mine. It's called Joker Face. Over 450 comedians share their best one-liners. Now, he never said to me it had to be my best one-liner. And great for the comedians who haven't come up with a joke at all. That's made them look ridiculous. Anyway, mine is a man goes into a doctor's

and says, Doctor, Doctor, which you have to say in a joke, by the way. I'm having trouble hearing people. And the guy says, OK, can you tell me the symptoms? And he says, Homer Marge. can you tell me the symptoms? And he says, Homer Marge Barth. Now, obviously, I've slightly telegraphed it while we were talking about The Simpsons, but obviously it's a great joke.

I don't think anyone's arguing with that. But I think it's also... 8, 12, 15, just in case there is anyone arguing with that. As well as it being a great joke, it's also an example of how you can discuss the symptoms, the Simpsons, in public without looking like a... Absolute... Absolute...

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What was we talking about? Oh, I know. Many of your jokes. Just that great joke that you did. Now, there's lots of really good jokes in the book and nice pictures of comedians.

I think you should get it. Yeah. I've got it. It's one of those books I'm a bit worried about the spine. You know when you get a book that's a fat book and you think, oh. The content weighs heavy on the spine. Is the spine going to take it?

But we'll hope for the best. I quite like a buckle when it buckles. Do you? I don't like it when you've got, like, three, two or three blocks of the same book. Do you know what I mean? Where it's separated. Nightmare.

Nightmare! Oh, here's a little... a couple of slices of life from my domestic life. I got up this morning and it was still dark. And I was going past my son's bedroom. And I heard just a little bit of, not, just a little bit of rustling in the sheets. Like he was just, you know.

So I put my head round the door. And he was lying like half asleep. I put my head round the door just to have a little look at him before I went to work and he went didn't go quite like I was planning like you were Jack Skellington

oh man absolutely scared the excrement out of me it's a fine line between a sweet parenting moment and terror isn isn't it? Yeah, just their head, my gaunt expression. And Jacob Marley had pitched up. It did, I felt bad about it, really. Reminds me of the time I once overreached

on trying to scare some hiccups out of my son during his bedtime story. Instead just terrified him for a whole night. He's in therapy now. What did you do? Suddenly sort of leap at him or something? Yeah, I did boo. Slam the book on his face?

I did a surprise boo in the middle of a sentence of a child's story. Whoops. I ate a surprise boo. Yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, the other one was I ate a surprise boo yes oh yeah um um I oh yeah

the other one was in the more the sort of the bubbly end of my life okay I was at

I was at the opera this week lovely I was at the opera and um I imagine you there

in the box like one of those muppets do you know what I like a bit of opera you do don't you I do it's like it's like a musical Opera, and... I imagine you there in the box, like one of those Muppets. Do you know what? I like a bit of opera. You do, don't you? I do. It's like a musical with PMT. It's got lovely things, songs, but there's terrible things, terrible, frightening...

Yeah, that could go in the joke book. Those people who don't have a joke. Oh, no, I'm telling those other people. It's actually quite...right in that day. It's beautiful, it's a wild deal. Anyway. Don't let those other ones steal it from you. What I need to stop doing is analysing my own remarks this morning.

It turns people against you. When you say this morning, I mean, this isn't your first time at the analysis rodeo. It's nice to be able to stand back and admire excellence. Anyway, I was at the opera and Richard E. Grant was there.

And I've worked with Richard E. Grant. This is like most people's dreams. He was on the art show that I do. Oh yeah. Now he's got a forehead. Do you know what he said around there? You can't just say that about people. He's a handsome man. He put his head around the... You can't just say that about people. No, no, he's a handsome man.

I mean, piercing... He's a really handsome man. Lovely. Did he have an actorly scarf? I'm not sure... Oh, he must have had. Come on. He must have had.

What am I even thinking about? He must have had a scarf. Come on. Jeremy Irons had a black pow-wet jumper with a chain over the top. Come on, actor! Anyway, so... So I thought I'd know Richard E. Grant enough to say hello.

And I like to say hello to anyone who's been in Doctor Who, basically, if they're around. So I just tapped him on the shoulder and said, Hello, Richard. And he turned around, he grabbed my hand and he went, How are you? And then he turned and walked away immediately. It was like hit and run friendliness.

I mean, absolutely lit up. How are you? Gone. I love that. Well, hold on. You never waited for my reply. Yeah. Well, that's like the clergy do that, Frank, you've told us.

Well, I mean, the clergy on the Sunday morning, they do the handshake with the other hand on the shoulder so you're moved along down the conveyor belt. But I mean, they've got... But I mean, honestly, it was the contrast. It was like a supernova of friendliness suddenly went into a black hole. May I ask a question?

Go on. Are you certain that he recognised you? No, I'm not certain that he recognised me. He might have been saying Stephen Tompkins and I can't shake the man off. This is a man who has to get on a ladder to cut his own fringe, remember? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

Oh, I went to Poland this week. Oh, hello. You went to Poland? I went to Poland. Na zdrowie. Yeah. Yeah, I thought I'd have a look round Europe before we're banished.

I don't know if we'll be actually banished. I don't think we will. I think we're self-banished, maybe. Yeah, I haven't been self-banished for a long time. Is that what you get? Why, turkeys are self-basting. Anyway, self-basting, that's what it is. Goodness me. It was in there somewhere. So tell us about Poland.

Well, turns out... It's Radio 4. Yeah, no, you have to say it. So, Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Tell us about Poland. Turns out it's an hour ahead. No way.

Okay. Who knew? Was that your only finding? I thought that they'd stopped all that with Europe. No, I think a lot of Europe is an hour ahead. But why is that? Well, yeah. Yes, exactly. Yeah, boss, why is that?

But I do like that. When you're on a plane and you're changing your... You're easily pleased. Try going to Australia, love. Oh, yeah. I know, but I love changing the... Oh, just get the watch. But all the time we was there, we're saying, and boss got up at seven o'clock, English time or post, Oh, just get the watch. But all the time he was there, we're saying, the bus got up at seven o'clock,

English time will pass. Oh, just join in. I couldn't help thinking. Bear with us. Punch line coming. Lovely. Yes, there isn't enough live harmonica on radio, I always think. Yes, the times are a-changing.

They really are. When you go from one country to the other in Europe. That was very well played. Thank you so much. I was quite impressed by that. Thanks, guys. Me too. I wish I had...

Have I got a jingle to celebrate it? Here's one. Here it comes. That's my harmonica playing. Yeah. I, um... So you were there for... We flew to Gd. Yeah. I, um... So you were there for... We flew to Gdansk.

Oh, lovely. We flew to, um, Lekvoetska. Yeah. Airport. I don't know any of these. Do you remember Lekvoetska? I do.

No. Oh, come on. Solidarity. Solidarity? I feel so... Yeah, Solidarność. Solidarność. We had a sticker on our car.

All the things that happened in Europe with the end of the Soviet Union, which obviously I've got mixed feelings about. He had a massive tash. The war, massive tash. Yes. Massive tash. You don't get them like that anymore.

I mean, he had like a real big, proper, like a real East European. Adult channel tash. And you knew it smelled of roll-ups. Yeah. His tash. Right. But he was like a union leader,

and he was basically the man who began that whole process. Forget your Gorbachevs. Mm. Forget who? I've forgotten him. In fact, I thought of Lech Wałecka. Earlier this morning, there was an advert on this very station. Kind of Polish Arthur Scargill, Al.

For, is it called Oksoba? Is that what they call it? Oh, right, yeah, yeah. And you have a... Stop drinking from it, you stop drinking for a whole month. Is this Stoptober? Is this Stoptober? Well, it should be, I'm just making sure. OXOBA is actually better.

OXOBA. And that's, my mistakes are better than things other people get paid for. Put that in your joke book. OXOBA. Put that in your jingle. It's perfect. My mistakes are better than things other people get paid for every Saturday

Frank Skinner if he had a Twitter page that would be his bio I'm terribly sorry someone writing that down go that down can you nip to the banker and get me a slice

of humble pie thank you anyway so yes so I was listening to the Oxal what's it called Stoptober darling Thank you. Anyway, so, yes. So I was listening to the Oxo... What's it called? Stoptober, darling. No, Stoptober.

OK. Not as good. You can't just point out everything that you didn't invent and say not as good. And I thought to myself... It's talking about not drinking for a month. I had my last drink September 24th, 1986. Yeah. And I thought to myself

when I heard about... Stoptober. Oxober. I thought to myself, this is how Lachwetska must feel when it's Movember. And now here we are talking about his airport. In my end is my beginning. Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. In my end is my beginning.

We've been picked up or pulled up on the pronunciations, some pronunciation here. There is no K in Lech Walesa's name. Oh, it's Lech Walesa. But don't they say Waleska? Doing so, you have made his surname female. Please get your pronunciation right. I mean, with that moustache, it would have to be the wife of Muhammad Ali's brother. Something different.

A little obscure reference there. If you know, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so is that from a Polish person or yes it's from okay so um okay so we went we flew to gdansk airport from luton but when i was at luton i went through you know security and and the lady you know your thing

back through a machine, lady came over and said we need to search your bag completely. I said what's the problem? She said there's something in it that we're not happy about. Really? I said what is it? She said well we can't really tell you what it is. I said well just tell me what it is.

She said okay there seems to be a gun in your bag. And I thought about saying, no, I'm just pleased to see you. But I thought, they don't like comedy at security. Save that for the little joke book. Yeah. One of those other ones can have it. So I said, I don't think that, I found myself saying, I don't think there's a gun in my bag.

I don't think I packed a gun. But it is a bit anxious making. Turned out... A bit? I had bought a Star Wars comic for boss. And you know when you buy comics now, they come in like a plastic bag which has got toys in it yeah that you get free with a comic and including a um a rebel alliance rocket launcher which did look like a

god i mean fair play i didn't even i hadn't even opened you know i hadn't i hadn't opened i put a small hole in the outer bag just it's just a Catholic thing. But the whole idea was I was keeping this comic as a surprise to give Buzz on the plane. And obviously Buzz was with you. Yeah, so he looked at me and went, ah, and I said, I have to say you have ruined the surprise

I was going to do with this magazine. Did I get an apology? Did I buffalo? No. I think it's airport security. Come No. I think it's airport security. Come on. I know, but airport security. They're not interested in spoiler alerts.

I mean... Yeah, but you'd think that people for a living who did internal examinations, the old rubber glove internal examinations, would have a sense of the... Ta-da! You know, if you find drugs during one of those internals, you must go,

da-da, and you take it out. Surely! It's the essential big reveal, isn't it? Oh, they're dreaming of one of those paper bunches of flowers. That's what they dream of finding. But, so they completely spoilt the surprise.

So that's all I'm saying. I mean, I've got nothing against the people at Luton Airport. Why don't we stay just a bit more discreet about my hidden con? How was the Ross Abbott at Moss after that? I mean, did she sort of laugh and say, oh, sorry? No, she was very professional. She was, you know, she was, I mean, I think it's fair enough if you're on airport security and you see what looks like a gun.

Yeah. It's all right to bring it up. I do object to that. But she didn't seem to the funny side of the fact that it was a Rebel Alliance rocket launcher. No. It's a strange thing that should not really be for sale in an airport, isn't it? Like fake guns.

Well, they are serious. I remember being with my godchildren once and Harvey had some toy he was carrying through and the man yelled at him and said, hey, hey, come on, Pokemon's got to go through security too. He yelled at Pokemon. But that's quite nice that he used the name in a familiar way. If she'd have said to me as I walked away,

the force be with you, for example, I'd have thought that was brilliant. Or even gone... It'd have been great. That would have just been tiredness, surely. Oh, it could have been. I'm saying this, maybe she'd just done an 18-hour shift, a couple of internals.

The fingertips did look a bit wrinkly. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, we're at Gdansk Airport. We get picked up by a Polish driver. Lovely. And my partner, Kath, was saying, we've been to Poland before,

and he goes, oh, okay, we went to Krakow. She said, your food's very funny, isn't it? And I thought, don't do that. How was 1973? Yeah. He said, what do you mean? She said, it's just funny.

I think I thought it was very funny, your food. It's colourful, isn't it? I think she tried to pull it around. Colourful, it's good. Did she say, eat the rainbow? And he said, of course. He said, I think your food is funny. I thought, where is this going to go now?

Did you say, we've been here seven minutes, no trouble? 45 minute drive. I think, what about your food? And I thought, oh, yeah. And she said, oh, well, I suppose I have. He said, yes, what about your full breakfast? Egg, bacon and haggis. Oh, nice.

I thought, what? I said, no, I don't think so. He says, yes, that is it in England, egg, bacon, haggis. I think that is funny. So we left it there, which I thought was a good idea. So we had the... He's got a point. What, have you ever had egg, bacon and haggis for breakfast?

I'm sure. Well, I mean, I'll go over to our Scottish Correspondent. I certainly have There you go. It's hardly, it's not a It's not the trad English breakfast The English he kept saying, that's it in England Egg, bacon, haggis Oh yeah, he was big enough

For me to think, yeah, oh yeah That thing we have I mean I think his point It's a funny meal, the breakfast. Even the idea of breakfast being a meal that's different from all the others is funny. I didn't mean it. It wasn't me who started the funny food thing.

No, I know. We're all different. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Anyway, we went to the, it was a brilliant wedding. It was a wedding in a castle. Oh, that's good. I know, I know, it's serious. I've heard from Roland, my builder, tells me that,

he says, if you go to a wedding in Poland, Emily, he said there's a bottle of vodka in front of each seat. Well, there was, they were around, you know, they get water on the table. There was bottles of vodka like that. I mean, there was, they were around, you know, they get water on the table. There was bottles of vodka like that. I mean, there was a lot of vodka.

But there's a lot of food at the Polish wedding and they said to me, here's the sort of thing people say, it's very good for your digestion, vodka.

So if you keep drinking vodka, you'll be able to eat more food. Great. I said, I really want to eat more food. I come from a country with a national obesity crisis

and alcohol problems, so, you know. But it was... I can honestly say I could have gdansked all night. Very good. And still have asked Warsaw. Oh! Come on! If I lived in gdansk, how often would I do the gdansk?

You'd be absolutely unbearable. Oh, I want to gdansk with how often would I do the Gdansk joke? You'd be absolutely unbearable. Oh, what a Gdansk would somebody, would never end. It would never end. And I wouldn't be able to resist it ever. There's certain jokes I cannot resist. Every time someone says to me who hasn't seen me for a while, how's your little one? I always say, how dare you?

Always. Always. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Come on. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. All are acceptable options. We've had a text about someone who's had a similar airport experience.

Oh, OK. Just a slight lack of humour with some of the personnel. Well, like I said... I don't wish to generalise, but... I suppose one tends not to do bants, mega bants, with someone who you think has got a gun in their room. What's different with the check-in desk? What was his name? Jeremy...

You remember that man. He became a celebrity as a result of working at the airport. Anyway, one of the... Jeremy Irons. Jeremy off airport. Yeah, Jeremy off airport. That was the surname. Do you know Jeremy Irons?

No, but thanks for the tip. Good person to go on holiday with. Well, for me, lovely. 904, good morning. The way I learnt airport staff don't joke is when I said to the guy whose job it is to test if perfume is safe by spraying it, what does your wife think when you come home smelling of ladies' perfume?

Perfectly decent question. And he replied with no she knows where I work I mean come on respect in a way in a way the absolute bulletproof lack of humour is

to be respected the thing about that is that no joke could get through that could could there? No joke. My dog's got no nose. How does it smell? Terrible. No, no, but what I mean is,

how is it able to detect smells? I think I know. I mean, it kills everything. Kills all known jokes. It does. Oh, anyway, so I'm in Poland. I've looked up. Yeah, you looked up.

Gdansk. Yeah. Not now, but maybe later. I've just sat down. See, I told you I wouldn't be able to stop. He's never going to stop with his dirty Gdansking. You're asking. So I like a wedding. I like all the symbolism of a wedding

they have different things there they fired a cannon no they didn't the bride wasn't in it yeah a human cannonball that would be better than walking up the aisle pity was the veil came off about

35 yards into her trajectory that was quite an episode of don't tell the Bride. Exactly. See, you can quote that, fine. No, it's just, I don't know what it is. They take it out and the groom has to light it. I don't know if it's some sort of statement of,

if it's some sort of wedding night thing. Right. But anyway, so the cannon is fired into the mid-distance. Mm. And they did that thing with the broken glass. You know that one when you throw... They drink from a glass of champagne and throw it over their shoulder.

Mm. Have you seen that at weddings? And it breaks? It smashes on the floor and someone has to come. I've seen that in pubs in West Bromwich and then when the when the drunken women at about one o'clock

in the morning take their shoes off because their heels are killing them there's blood blood trails all over the floor from the sheds of broken glass is that right

he's kidding on that bit he must be well the smashing the glasses is a big thing they do it at the Jewish weddings but what does it mean oh I don't know yeah but in the

I went to a Jewish wedding and they wrapped muzzles off they wrapped it yes yeah at the Jewish weddings. But what does it mean? Oh, I don't know. Yeah, but I went to a Jewish wedding. Russell Tuff. They wrapped it, yes. Yeah. Russell who? No, yes. And they wrap it in like a napkin.

A napkin. And they just chuck it on the floor. To hell with it. And of course, the greatest ever, I think, symbolic representation of marriage, greatest ever, I think, symbolic representation of marriage. Both a male and female hand on the same knife handle. Oh, yeah. That was perfect

imagery. Beautiful. But it was... Here's a... You know when we do... Every now and again I have a... Whatever happens to you? Excellent. Esperanto. Oh, lovely. That's what we needed. That was what we needed.

The international language. International in that it's spoken by no one all over the world. What on earth has happened to Esperanto? It was going to be so big and it would have come in so handy. It's great for travel. If you know the answer to this. Yeah, 8, 12, 15. Do let us know

what happened to Esperanto. Yeah, let's see Christian O'Connell do that one. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, just to wind up my Poland adventure, the next morning, we had

something I think happens in England, the wedding breakfast, does it? Yeah. Because we all stayed at the same place, the next morning, went down into the hotel and everyone, more or less everyone who'd been there the night before, including the bride and groom, were all... I think that's nice though, lovely they should be there for the post-mortem not dash

off at 5 p.m exactly and it's also nice you know it's like they're in their civvies again after all the grand jazz it's nice so um that was lovely and we went down and um you know when you go abroad and there's like for breakfast there's like cake and stuff and they said there's English section over there so I went over to the English section It's like a small world There were three metal containers I am not making this up

Eggs, bacon, haggis No way I swear, I swear to you Well you can see how the myth has caught on I mean it's absolutely caught on. The English section, eggs, bacon, haggis. Lovely. Was it good haggis?

You know what? It was great. It goes great with eggs and bacon. Yeah. Does it? Brilliant. Very good. So, yeah.

We've had some intel on from 690. If you're listening, it's a stupid thing to say if you're not listening. Yeah. Can't hear me. We've had some intel on from 690. If you're listening, it's a stupid thing to say. If you're not listening, go on, Liam. 690, the broken glass thing. The shards represent the amount of years the marriage will last if it doesn't break, your wedding is doomed. Oh, dear. What if you didn't even throw it? Is your wedding doomed?

Well, you might, yeah, exactly. Well, then you haven't even tried. I'm going to have to throw my wife. You'd have to do that. Start breaking those glasses. We don't might, yeah, exactly. Well, now then, you haven't even tried. I'm going to have to phone my wife. You'd have to do that. Start breaking those glasses. You can't do any of these traditions.

If that was one of those marriages, like to keep someone in the country, you wouldn't throw the glass. Good info here from 856.

Psalm 137 holds the answer to the glass breaking shenanigans, apparently. Does it? They're not going to tell us any more than that I think it's one of those

it just so happens I do have my holy bible app so I can look that up do you actually? do you get Psalm alerts? I do get Psalm alerts I think we have to get Armageddon alerts I haven't had one yet but if I get one I'll forward have to get Armageddon alerts. I haven't had one yet, but if I get one,

I'll forward it to you. There's been a few people saying that airport security staff don't have a sense of humour. We've covered those. I think they probably do. They're probably professionally told not to. You know, I'm interested in balance. 628 has texted,

Ship Hall in Holland, the security staff are very friendly and pleasant. Worth going there just for that. Yeah. Just for that. Important to get balance. I could go there and I could have a crossbow in the bag just for some bounce, mega bounce. Don't try it on my recommendation.

I believe there's a thing in the Absolute, the thing we had to sign this week about what we say on Absol recommendation. I believe there's a thing in the Absolute... The thing we had to sign this week about what we say on Absolute... I'm telling people about us. Can you not say that? Sorry. But I think it said don't encourage people to carry hand weapons in their luggage. I think that was...

Was that 17A? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was... Yeah. Just after the... Well, we won't... We won't...

We won't read it out, but I don't even do drugs. Why would I tell other people to? This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. This is a sentence that I want to say almost every week on this show, but we need to speak more about Steven Seagal. This is a sentence that I want to say almost every week on this show, but we need to speak more about Steven Seagal. Oh, it's one of his, Frank, one of his friends. You know why?

I'll cuss on the martial arts stuff. Martial arts. Cats are fast as lightning. I dip my toe in the water of martial arts participation and stirs the Steven Seagal. He's broken the internet this week hasn't dwell on the mat i dwell on the mat a little i go to the day class guys all right yeah he likes kung fu fighting too well this is a bit of a worry for me because steven seagal has uh been interviewed by uh what's his name um peace morgan or is he called him, Peace. Peace Morgan. Did he?

And Susanna Reid. And Susanna Reid. That's the one that Peace Morgan does that's not the crying show.

It's the troll show. He does crying or troll. That's right. He even trolls Seagal at the end of the

interview by saying, what films have you got coming out? Absolute. I mean, of course he's got no good films coming out. He hasn't had a good film come out for 25 years or something.

He had one up his sleeve, though, didn't he? He did. He said, I've just made one in Asia or something. He did. And it was quite a sleeve with that Mandarin, black satin Mandarin affair. Apparently his jacket became, like, his look, his overall look became a trending topic

or a chat on the old internet. He said it was the best film he'd made for years, by the way. What, that film? I like to think that it's good, but no Seagal. Trayvon. He basically looked like the Count on Sesame Street. One, ah, ah, ah. That's what he looked like. Count on Sesame Street. He won! Ah, ah, ah. That's what he looked like. What he's done though, he's

He's looked up. He's edited out all the grey and gone black. So he's got black really. Black and that sort of widow's peak hair that he's always had. What, Eddie Munster? Yeah, exactly. Very, um, Count Docky. Yeah. So he's got

that and then he's wearing black glasses so he I see what he reminded me of did you ever have one of those iron filings men thing where you move the

it's like a ball man you move the iron filings and you can give them beards and things he looked like that because it was all the same colour but was he always

like this I mean his accent he was talking about Vlad he was talking relatively normally he was saying you see the whole thing with Trump here and then you have Vladimir Putin no I mean, his accent. He was talking relatively normally. He was saying, you see the whole thing with Trump here,

and then you have Vladimir Putin. No, but we should say he has taken Russian citizenship. He has. December 2016 it happened. And we've discussed this before. Do you remember Gerard Depardieu took it? I think it's done on collar size. It has to be over 25 for your collar size to do it.

Because they're all those sort of big blokes who you wouldn't want to be, you know, stuck in a lift with. Yeah. But you wouldn't mind being, if a fight went off, you wouldn't mind being there. I call them, could have been a lorry driver had things not worked out. Yeah, exactly.

And, yeah, just on the edge of BO, I would say. Because when you're that big, it's so much territory to clear with deodorants and stuff. And also you've got folds that other people don't have. Well, you need a can a day, really. Well, I mean, yeah, you need sandblasting, which is an old industrial process. Well, you need a can a day, really. Well, I mean, yeah, you need sandblasting. Yeah. Which is an old industrial process.

But I do feel for him about the Vladimir Putin thing. Can you pronounce it properly, please? That's how he says it. That's it, Frank. But I think if he's lived in Russia for, you know, a year or thereabouts, he's probably picked up a little bit of the tune of the accent, and so now he's saying it with a Russian... It's a bit like when I said

Bolognese and you guys made fun of me for a whole show and then the following week had to apologise. I think we might next week have to apologise to Steven Seagal. Oh, I think he got it right. And also if you consider the sentence he says most is probably I'm friends with Vladimir Putin.

Then he's going to have that very well, very well, very well versed. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

Absolute Radio. So Steve and Seagal bonded with Vladimir Putin over their martial art, their love of martial arts. Is that right? Yes, it is. Come on, Al.

You could move to... It does throw up some odd friendships. I've got friends that I probably wouldn't have if they didn't do the arts martial. I can imagine, though, that Putin and Seagal could have gone on in other contexts. They've got...

I think so, yeah. I think Putin is genuinely a judo guy. I think he's written a book about judo, Putin. He started playing ice hockey, apparently, when he was 60, I think. Right. Really? Which is a weird thing.

And now he plays, like, in public games. He plays, like, in friendlies and stuff. I imagine those are some tentative challenges from the other players. Yes, well, exactly. It's like Idi Armeen was undisputed heavyweight champion of Uganda for many years. But if you think about it, everything Idi Armeen did in Uganda was undisputed, yes. For obvious reasons. When P.S. Morgan said, at the end...

Do you remember that joke about Idi Amin's got a new microwave? It's a four-seater. Go on, carry on. I don't remember it all getting read. I think he hit people. Oh, I see. Go on, carry on. He said, can I just say,

it's an honour to have a movie star of your stature live on Good Morning Britain. Yeah, that was weird. I mean, was that sarcastic or did he actually mean that? I felt Piers had a sarcastic tongue-in-cheek tone throughout. See, I thought he was surprisingly nice to him. I wonder if Piers Morgan... Well, they're both like Trump. Has he got one eye on the Moscow move?

Oh, maybe. I don't know if he's big enough. He needs to bulk up. Drink more vodka. With cigar, is it muscle or has he got fat? Text in, 8-12-15. Well, he's not one of the muscly martial arts guys. No, he's one of the...

He does Aikido, which is considered a soft martial art, if I may. Yeah. Hey! And he'll take the chips out of your hand. He will, yeah. Like any seagull. That's mainly...

We couldn't have this conversation without a seagull hole seagull joke. Come on. Is he one of... That's why I can't work out with. Come on. Is he one of... That's why I can't work out with him, though. Is he one of those nine items or less? Oh.

You know, like, name some seagull films. Under Siege. Anything else? No, but I think... Daisy, the producer's a fan. She's nodding. I think if you like seagull, though, you're not looking for the prongs on the prongs on the graph you're just

looking for that you know what you're getting and it's action and adventure absolutely i just can't name any of them no we can't name them but i bet there are a lot if you're a cigar fan there'll be um you still want more don't text in loads of films there is a weird moment in the interview where he's criticizing the American footballers that have taken a knee, you know when they kneel down and he says it's an insult to the flag and he says I myself have risked my life

many times for the American flag. Does he mean in films? I'm not sure he knows he's in films. He might think he's living through these moments. Oh he's a dangerous fantasist. Like, what's a mittie? It's a shame.

I thought, was he in the military? No, he thinks he's really doing it. Here's an actual fact about Steven Seagal. He does hold a sheriff's licence in the States. Oh, okay. There was a documentary on him where he went around being a sheriff.

If you're a Russian citizen, can you still hold a sheriff's? No, Al, that's a bit like when Elvis had that FBI badge, isn't it? Well, Elvis had a special drugs agent thing. It's ironic. But he was also a sheriff in a few places. That's why there's a famous picture. Well, it's not famous. It's my favourite picture of Elvis. And it's him in a leather places. That's why there's a famous picture, well it's not famous, it's my favourite picture

of Elvis and it's him in a leather jacket and shades on at an evening car crash in the middle of the night. He's got shades and a leather jacket and he's picked it up on his radio and he's picked it up to investigate the situation.

Now, to make the story even more perfect you're using the football as tense when discussing it. I know, but the idea of being in, you've been in a car crash and you look up and you say to the bloke who's cutting you out

with oxyacetylene equipment, it's Elvis. That doesn't get any better than that. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been talking about Steven Seagal this morning. I'm still a little worried because people mocked his jacket and I have a very similar jacket.

With the mandarin collar. I've got a Nehru corduroy thing. Oh, nice. It is nice, but now I'm worried that I'm, you know, I'm in too many bits of the same bit of the Venn diagram as Steven Seagal. Ageing martial artist chic, I call it. But you don't have the collar size.

No, it's not. No, I think you'll be all right. Or the neck size. And you don't have a backdrop of St Petersburg permanently behind you on a green screen. Actually, I do when I'm not here. He was so in Santa Monica, wasn't he? He wasn't in Russia.

Now I can sympathise with that weird Russian yearning. Well, I was going to say, I think he might be a nice friend for you two. The love of Russia and the love of the... I would bond with him over the martial arts. Oh, can you imagine me and him when we talk about

our song? bond with him over the martial arts. Oh, can you imagine me and him when we talk about our song? Hey Stephen, you look beautiful tonight. Is that a hat or is he? Is that a medieval skunk hat

or is it not? Apparently he's a musician as well. He's got a lot of guitars. I don't know. You can't mention Is might mention itis Mariam why don't you I discovered You know this thing I've got for the old Soviet days I've discovered There is a term for it they use In Berlin it's called

Ostalgia Is that right Ost being German for east Oh come on that's fantastic. Yeah, other people get it as well. It's like... It's quite a good pun. It is.

Yeah, fair. I think they'd probably say Ostalgien in German, but I'm bowdler-istic. It'd be a rare person to pick you up on that. Well, you know what our readers are like. But it'd be a good... We've got a few corrections to come. It'd be a good it'd be a good texting

I think missing things that you miss that you shouldn't miss do you know what I mean? because we shouldn't really miss Soviet Russia because obviously there's a lot of terribleness come out of it but it was so cool keep it light oh missile on a lorry

I know don't worry that's still alive and well in North Korea. Thank goodness for North Korea. That's a good whatever happened to missile on a lorry. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. But do you know things you miss? Like I miss missing things, for example. You know, because in the age of Sky Plus and YouTube,

you don't miss anything. I used to go to school if I missed, say if I missed Doctor Who, and the kids would tell me blow by blow what had happened. That was lovely, lovely. It's like that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Ah! Seagull alert. I was...

What else do I miss? I also miss conversation, long conversations based on ignorance. What do you mean? You'd be telling someone about what some actor had done or something. Oh, right. Like the Seagal thing,

we'd have talked about him being in the army. You'd have had a vague memory of he was actually in Vietnam or something. Whereas now you just Google it. Yeah. Kills it. But then you could branch out. Yeah. You use fact as a springboard, but you're not restrained by it.

The certainty kills off the creativity somewhat. Thank you. Yes, exactly. So what do you miss that you shouldn't miss? Also, of course, the magical world of drunkenness. That I really miss. Bullying. Wolf whistling. But I went to a fabulous exhibition

at the... I've just said wolf whistling. Yes. The British Library. Oh, yeah. It was called Revolution. It was all about the Russian Revolution. And I might be the only person who went there directly from Sunday brunch. The TV show?

Yeah. So I did Sunday brunch and then got a car to the Revolution exhibition. And, you know, I was in the car. I love it when you told the researcher that you were near. Where are you getting your car to then? Most people going off to some private members club, not Frank. No.

So it was out of the frying pan, into the 8, 12, 15. Complete that pod. What would it be if you were going from Sunday brunch to an exhibition at the British Library about the Russian Revolution? How did the frying pan enter the... Ooh, tricky.

Kind of tricky, ain't it? Here's quite a turf, ain't it, sheriff? Sorry about that. I don't know why I did that. So anyway, I have some sympathy with Seagal's Russian move.

Yeah. Okay, we've established that. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our little show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Hi there.

We've been talking about Steven Seagal this morning, but attention must be paid to another Steven, in other hot Steven news. Yeah. Steven Spielberg this week, did either of you see this? He has admitted he doesn't watch his own movies. In a rather brilliant way, he confessed it.

I bet Seagal would never. I would never admit. Surely he doesn't watch anything else. Can you imagine going round to his house for dinner? We've just got to watch some of Red Dragon 4. Did we establish from any of our readers whether he has risked his life for the American flag? Someone said Navy SEALs, Al?

I still think that's a film. Film or reality? No, I think in a film we accept. We accepted it in a film. I think Steven Seagal might think he was a Navy SEAL, but it was just a six-month project that he was involved in. He thought he was a SEAL by the size of it. A walrus, maybe.

Anyway. But yeah, Steven Spielberg. He loves SEALs. He'll take his applause where he can get it. Steven Spielberg has said that he doesn't watch his own movies. What is it? He doesn't dwell. He said it in a great way, Ali, when I don't dwell. I love that.

Oh, that's good. Come on. That's cool. That is forward focus. Interesting for a man who's... Because Spielberg, I believe he's German. Spielberg? Why are you saying it like that? You're making him sound like a sort of naughty professor. Stephen Spielberg? Why are you saying it like that? You're making him sound like a sort of nutty professor.

Steven Spielberg. I'm doing a slight Steven Seagali. Steven Spielberg is... You're making him sound like a psychiatrist in a Disney film. No, I'm making a German pun

because Spielberg means play, play town. Does it? Yeah. Does it? So he should, why hasn't he

opened the theme park? Well, that's a good point. He's absolutely alright for himself. Jurassic? But you'd want to go to Spielberg, wouldn't you,

to play? Frank, if you meet him, you can't call him Spielberg. But you can. I've sort of met him. Shut up. He was in Madam Two Swords while I was there

the other week. Madam Two Swords called that, of course, because of her distinctive fencing style. I think it should be Tussauds, but on this show now, I feel I have to say Tussauds. Oh, considering you say Spielberg.

But I think that the Spielberg... Dummy. Do you call them dummies? Waxworks. It seems a bit like the waxworks. I think it might be the best in the whole place. Really? It's so realistic.

He's not that current now, but still in there. And I think he's been left because it's such a good one. Really? If you had your photo with the waxwork of Steven Spielberg in Madame Tussauds, I think you could say to people, this is when I met Steven Spielberg, and they wouldn't question it for a second.

Frank, with those pronunciations, tiptoe through the tulips. I mean, I loved it. And the other thing, can I say? You can. I reckon if you took the glasses and cap off it, it wouldn't be a bad Hugh Hefner. So just like for this week,

it could do the topical. Give it a shave. These we have loved. On the subject of the demise of Hugh Hefner, I have to say, I know he had his faults, but me and Kath loved the TV show with the three girls. He loved her dressing down.

Based on your adoration for Soviet Russia, I don't think things having faults is something that puts you off adoring them. No, no, I think warts and all, that's what I like. We've already covered Idi Amin and Russia. I never said I liked Idi Amin. Robert McGarvey. I remember me and a mate in Birmingham

having a long conversation with whether his mother called him Idwood. And disapproved of that. We used to do a joke. Do you ever use to do that joke when you was at school? You say, how does it-i-r-mean spell his... I'll do it with you, right? Okay.

How does it-i-r-mean spell his first name? I-D-E. E? No. No, I-D-I. Oh, the R! You needed I-D-I to be on the show. Yeah, yeah.

You needed a lot happening at the time. You needed I-D to be on the show. You needed a lot happening at the time. You needed Idiot meaning the news. And also a stooge to be able to spell the name properly. The fact that you guys couldn't spell the Idiot. Kids, don't try that in 2017. It's been a long time. Speaking of the death of Hef. Yes.

Oh, great. Which we are now, apparently. I walked past, when I'm on my way to the opera the other night, I walked past Stringfellows, which obviously... Oh, it's his anecdote from 1962. No, but Stringfellows wouldn't exist if it wasn't for Hefner, let's face it. I mean, he was the great...

He was the centre of all that stuff. Yeah. And I thought it was very moving. All of the customers were at half mast. I thought it was very moving. All of the customers were at half mast. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

There is one Steven Spielberg film that he does watch. 1941. What? No, that's what I thought he probably doesn't watch. Yeah. He watches E.T. with grandchildren and talks them through it. He tells them he doesn't really die. Oh.

He should work at Luton Airport. Spielberg on the security, spoiling all the excitement. I mean, I did think that. When he said, he tells them, it's OK, he doesn't really die, and then he says, it's only scary for a little while, and then you grow to love him. Which is what people have said about working with me.

But the thing is, it is ruining the movie for these children. If I want the director's commentary, I'll click on it. I don't want it coming from grandpa if you were steven spielberg's grandchild you would probably do that and point the remote at him see i only ever watch it with um the wax work that's that's that's a good rule do you think that though with these films like you know do would you say to your children oh it's okay i wouldn't say oh come on would you say it's okay he doesn't die or do you know what i mean in a film so if i was watching mommy on the orient express with boz right i wouldn't say to him oh um don't worry the doctor

it's salty the doctor doesn't get killed by the moment. I'm talking about Steven Seagal watching his own stuff all the time, making everyone watch it. He could probably guess that. Yeah, but I don't actually think that I was the chief engineer on the Orient Express in space. I'm not claiming that. I'd love to get to that but it was lax of Piers Morgan not to say

how do you mean that you've died for the flag risked your life many times it's the my wife knows where I work approach hold on what do you mean you've risked your life for the flag

many times? You would have said that, wouldn't you? I must say we've had various examples of airport security being humourless and a few saying hey, it's not that bad. 539 has said I work in airport security. I can say we do have a sense of humour, we just get sick of hearing

the same jokes over and over. Okay. It's a good job he doesn't work in Gdansk. Yeah, well, I don't think it was the joke thing. I mean, it was just... No. Okay. Calm down, everyone.

Hey, listen to this, 894. You'll love this. Frank? Frank is absolutely right I like Forget it I don't need the rest In his pronunciation this morning I did a German degree

Thank you Oh, come on Thank you Yep Dankeschön Das ist sehr gut Ach du lieber Gott Mein Bein ist gebrochen

I'm sorry to hear that Yeah It's a bit sore But I'm sorry to hear that yeah it's a bit slow but I'm soldiering on we've had a couple of emails during the week Frank offering you what I like to call

the correctione oh I wonder what that I like to call a correctione. Oh, I wonder what that was going to be. I'm afraid when you were speaking about how you went on a little camping trip last week, you repeatedly called guy ropes guide ropes. Well, I think guy ropes is a bit sexist. I wonder what this was a reference to. No, I didn't know.

Is that what they're called, guy ropes? I think they're called guy ropes, as emailed by about 4,000 people. See, that means something completely different in the S&M community. Well, Adam in Mallorca has said, hi Frank, the correct

term for this piece of rope is guy rope. It is derived from a nautical term also known as a guide wire, guy cable, guy strand and guy anchors. People also mistakenly call it guide wire. The name guy wire is derived from the term guy, defined as rope, cord or cable used to steady guide or secure something. Guy wire is a tensioned cable that is both lightweight and strong.

OK. I feel like we've really cleared that up. In that case, it sounds like I'm on the nautical step. Very good. Lovely. Very good. I mean, from disaster comes triumph. Exactly, rising from the ashes.

Very good. I love a tension cable. That's what Vince should have called his son. There was a tension cable in the air when Frank was being corrected and then he managed to... He always pulls it back up. So, Guy. Guy.

How do you spell it? G-U-Y? G-U-Y, yeah. OK. I'll think that it's... What else? In my mind, it'll be a tribute to the Roman Catholic dissident, Guy Fawkes. If you want.

Strange shout-out on commercial radio. I mean, you'll be going from being wrong to being wrong in a different way but fine do you know a guy folks no but thanks anyway so

oh my goodness no he's a keen gardener have you heard anything else from the outside world or is he oh yeah I'll tell you what

those people all deserve Correzione Correzione Ole Ole Ole I'll tell you what those people all deserve. So, respect. I mean, I personally received a crexio and a direct to me when I said last week that I thought the phrase back to square one was about football reporting and apparently it's board games. See, I did. Like in a sort of

Ludo Kennedy way. Something like that. Yes. Snakes and Ladders. Snakes and Ladders is actually part of the Gary Barlow family crest. Is it? Yeah, based on his up-down career. We've also had a text from

Andy Lloyd. Earlier on we were discussing Esperanto. Yeah, you heard. Yeah, she was great on That's Life. News about Esperanto. The Esperanto Association of Britain, brackets, no mention of the word great. I can imagine that room, Al.

I bet there's a lot of smoking and a really big old telephone. The Esperanto Association of Britain is based near Stoke-on-Trent. Oh, OK. That probably explains a lot. Cheers, says Andy Lloyd. And they say, can someone... What shall we have for lunch? Shall we have some glasses of milk with ice in it and some white bread?

Ooh. I'm just saying they're a bit old school. No, but I want to bring it back. When I was in Poland, it did make me think, wouldn't it be brilliant if we had Esperanto at our fingertips, all of us? We could just properly chat. It'd be great, wouldn't it?

Don't know why they knocked it on the head. I think 320... I thought they would have. 320 says, airport security asked me if I packed my own bags. I said, don't be silly, I'm married. I was marched through the airport with my wife and two kids to be searched. So there you go.

Don't make those silly jokes. I think that serves him right for having the learned helplessness of not being able to pack his own bags. Yeah, but I like his retro sort of Maori man joke. Yeah. Out of the frying pan into the firing squad is a suggestion.

I think that's good for the Russian. That was my trip from Sunday brunch to a Russian Revolution exhibition. I think that's good. Out of the frying pan into the firing squad.

Excellent work. They continue with a little bit of political correctness worrying, but I don't think you need to. No, Russian Revolution. We're not saying it generally about the Russians. We're saying it about that period.

Even if we were, would it be that bad? Well, is any of it that bad? 8, 12, 15. Oh, no! Don't! Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

There are a few dramas on the trains this week. I mean, that sounds quite boring as a topic for discussion. However, bear with me, because this passenger, I believe he was an antiques dealer. No. 49, bear with me because this passenger, I believe he was an antiques dealer, 49, not bad looking actually. Anyway, we'll come back to that. He put his feet on the seat in front of him.

Naked feet. His feet or a pair of elephant's feet umbrella stands he was taking to a fair in Newmarket. That would be his spirited defence. They're weird elephants feet because they don't have you know, they just go straight down.

No ankle. It's not a problem for us though because we don't encounter them that often. I know but Oh I see what you mean, there's no There's no curve for it, they just go straight. I mean, what are they thinking of? I don't have an umbrella. Well, I worry that's what Steven Seagal's feet are like these days.

I started my own business in the 70s, and it was elephant ankle bracelets. It was a complete flop. Couldn't keep them on. They just found them all over the... Well, you say that. This character, part of his excuse, couldn't keep them on they just found them all over the anyway well you say that this character

what part of his excuse because he got in terrible hot water for this and he said I have very by the look of his feet he could do

with getting into hot water yeah Shrek's grandfather he said I have very swollen feet and a swollen stomach so I have did he yes what he said so I have to put feet and a swollen stomach. Did he?

Yes. What? He said, so I have to put my feet up on the seat in front. Two out of three ain't bad, I think Meatloaf said. So what happened is there was another fellow commuter who got very upset. Well, he took his shoes and socks off and put them on the feet. I mean, you could... On the seat, yeah.

You could say at least he didn't put his shoes on the seat, I suppose. Although some say it's worse. This other commuter was really upset. And, yeah, he sort of laid into him and took a photo and all this kind of stuff. And apparently it's emerged that there's a law from 1889 that forbids you putting your feet on the seat in front of you. Well, I mean, that's a good thing. I mean, laws from 1889,

this is going to play really well on absolute 80s when it goes in an hour's time. I liked his defence, the man with the Shrek's grandfather swollen feet. He said, I'm an antique dealer he said I mean I've appeared on

Dickinson's Real Deal as part of his defence that he was a regular law abiding human being I also read that he said I can do what I want and I thought yeah but make what you want something

better rather than just taking your shoes and socks off and putting them up on a train seat. No, but that was the moment for me. I couldn't forgive him putting his bare feet on the seat, but whenever anyone says I can do what I want, I just think, that's when you wish you'd got the three-drug cocktail. Wow. That escalated.

Yeah. I like the man that objected Who said What we should say happened Is what the commuter did Is he took his shoe And threw it onto the platform As revenge I mean that is great

And when he was talking to the press about it He said excuse my swearing But I'm retired I get a free pass Excellent You've got that pass as well haven't you I suppose I have yeah But I couldn't I wouldn. Excellent. You've got that pass as well, haven't you? I suppose I have, yeah. But I wouldn't have showed it.

No platforming. Would you have thrown the shoe onto the platform? No. Why? Well, I'd have already applied the lethal injection, so it wouldn't be a problem anymore. It'd be in the bin. No, I just can't cope with people saying I can do what I like.

I just think if we all, that's, if we all said that, there'd be no civilisation. You can see why the big collared people moved to the east to get away from all that.

That'd be a good text. Who's going to move to Russia next? 8, 12, 15. Who's going to be the next one for the citizenship? Harry Hill.

Big collar. He's got the collar out. It's got to be the next one for the citizenship? Harry Hill. Big collar. He's got the collar out. It's got to be someone. Yeah. Churchill from the insurance ads. Yes. Yeah. Nyet.

Dar. Oh, Dar. I'll tell you what. Who could you see? You've got a picture of a bar in St. Petersburg. Okay. And there's at a table, there's Spielberg and a Depardieu. Who is in the third?

No, Seagal and Depardieu. Oh, sorry, what did I say? Don't drag Spielberg into this. He's busy running his fun park. He's kept his side of the street clean. That's another town in Russia. So we've got Depardieu. Depardieu.

We've got Seagal. And Seagal sitting at a table. Who's number three? 8, 12, 15. Robbie Savage. No, he got Depardieu. Depardieu. We've got Seagal. Seagal sitting at a table. Who's number three? 8-12-15. Robbie Savage. No, he doesn't fit that. No, he's too thin. He needs to look like Diego Maradona. Yes, come on! Come on!

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were talking about Steven Seagal. We were talking. And about people that we thought might look like potential, I'm going to call them reverse defectors. Yeah, the next celebrity to take Russian citizenship. Frank had Diego Maradona, which I like,

because people always use the first name with Maradona as well. He's a very much, you'd never say Maradona. And Daisy, the producer, came up with a good one, Frank. Oh's very much, you'd never say Maradona. And Daisy, the producer, came up with a good one, Frank. Oh, that was brilliant. Daisy said Mickey Rourke. Come on.

Oh, man. He's got one foot in the Kremlin. Yeah. That would be a good sitcom. Yeah. And one hand in the Kremlin. I wouldn't be quite lucky.

I've got an unlikely British one. What about Razor Ruddock? Oh, yeah. Thank you. Three and both of them. Oh, man. Sorry and both of them has he been out there.

Sorry and both of them. He certainly commanded the cricket pitch, didn't he? 910 has texted in suggesting Lou Ferrigno, the Hulk from the 70s TV series oh yes is he still working Ferrigno oh I've done a

P.S. Morgan oh yeah I've got a film coming out called Corrosion which we met in Singapore it's one of the best

films I've ever done do you think in every film he still has to wear the frayed jeans no I don't think so oh I hope not it's undignified if he frayed jeans? No, I don't think so. Oh, I hope not. It's undignified if he's playing a lawyer or something.

I don't think he's... He's not green anymore. No. For Greeno, that's what he changed his name to, my dude, Paul. In case people forgot. He was probably doing a lot of sweet corn work. The thing that was always talked about was how long he spent in make-up. Like, it was seven hours to pick him green. Oh, yeah, they loved those things.

Well, of course there was. He was a big unit. Hours spent in make-up is a stat, isn't it? You know, he spent seven hours a day in make-up. I know, they used to do that. Or Dustin Hoffman in... What was he called when he played a very old Native American? Dustin Hoffman?

Oh, well, anyway, they always said... He was not... 25 hours a day in the make-up chair it was all I went to the Arsenal

on oh lovely on Monday for the West Brom game yeah I wouldn't go there oh okay calm down dear

just as a sightseer I was in the hospitality section which was very nice. Oh, I've been there. It's quite something, isn't it?

Buffet. Beautiful. You know, I did the classic buffet. I had chicken and lamb. Wow. Yeah. Chirp and turf. Did they chirp?

You were on the Atkins. Oh, we had all this stuff as well. You know when you think, you never do that at home you'll have a bit of beef and some salmon no you mix everything yeah they hadn't got

any of your haggis so let that go it's a shame isn't it but get this I was not only in the hospitality section so I was having a meal before the game

lovely but I'd been the tickets had been given to me by my financial advisor excellent I mean... Well, he's got a lot to make up for over the years.

Let's be honest. I used to live in a council house and now... I think you'll call this atonement, this period. I got rid of that one. Oh, good. He went with a lot of my money. No. So he was lovely, though. Lovely he was. Nice. But it's not very

Oh, Jeremy Corbyn. That's fancy. No. It's more, though. Lovely, he was. But it's not very, oh, Jeremy Corbyn. Let's face it. No. It's more, oh, Jeremy Irons. I didn't have my bracelet outside my black polo neck, but Irons couldn't go. He's to Russia. No, he's too slim.

Too slender. He's too slender. You'd have to go to Japan. I'll tell you what, give him a few years, Timothy Spall. He's got it in him, Spall. Someone has suggested Sean Penn, which I think is a good shout.

Oh, yeah, that is a good shout. So, anyway, do you know what they've got in the hospitality? Yeah. They've got a Arsene Wenger beaded curtain. No.

Yeah. Oh, lovely. So, a metallic beaded curtain, the light which separates the Chinese takeaway from the living quarters. Yeah, it's like open all hours. Yeah.

But with Ars Venga's picture on it. A likeness of Venga. And I thought, you know the Venga out campaign? You could have had a Venga out and a Venga in. On the thing. But it was a lovely,

lovely night, I must say we was robbed you were but there you go anyway was that in between the ground on the way to the car

no dodgy pen oh was it well yes we said he might go yeah so anyway I once met a waitress

in oh never mind okay I'll tell you after and thank you so much for listening today it's been

a joy as ever and could you bring on the feathers you're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio

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