The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Git Bit

Episode Date: March 3, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's been the week of the Beast from the East - find out how the team have been coping with the snow. Also this week the team talk about their night out to Alun's gig and dog cloning!

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why don't you text us on 8-12-15, then you'll be part of the show. You know, that's the modern world, isn't it, that you interact. And you can follow the show on Twitter, if you like that slight aloof distance, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show on Twitter if you like that slight aloof distance at Frank on the radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website if you prefer your engagement to be a bit retro

Can I kick off with a big moment? I'm sure you can Okay This is from Michael Play a long song if you want This is from Michael Coffey. He's got my cup of tea but yeah.

Oh, lovely. Thanks very much. There's no grounds for that. I know, don't be so bitter, Al. Aye, aye, aye. Hi, Frank.

Poor Michael Coffey's had this his whole life. I know, and we've just added to it. Hi, Frank M. And the Cockerel. There's snow business like snow business, he starts with. Did you know Dawn from The Office is Jasper Carrot's daughter?

Yes. Moment. Love to you all. He's nominating it as a big moment. You going to let him have it? That's a good one. In case you don't know what a big moment is, I won't go into the genesis of it

but it's when someone tells you something that they think is an amazing fact you've never heard and in fact most people know it yes they know it as a fact that nobody knows but they all know it yeah but that is one

that's Jasper Carrot's thing and we've got a Whatever Happened To, which is from 848. Morning, Frank and the gang. Whatever happened to ex-footballers becoming publicans after retirement? It's gone, hasn't it? Henners from Gravesend.

Yeah, that. They make too much money now, I think. Maybe some of the lower league ones do. Also, I think publicans may be on the way out. I don't know if there's so many pubs, perhaps people that are running pubs. I don't know if there's so many pubs, perhaps people that are running pubs. I don't know. Also, I don't think they could handle, you know,

the selfie action. It would be too much. Selfie action. And the gastropub perhaps has put them off. Being a publican was easier. Pubs are too nice now. Yeah, it was easier. It wasn't 30 years ago.

Now they've got to be able to cook lamb rare and get it just right. They're not up for that. Having been ex-footballers, they could knock people about who were causing trouble. And that's less popular in gastropubs. In castropubs, which is a much more democratic Iran thing. Lovely khaki shirts they wear.

They do. And all those people arriving in old American cars. Yeah, that is a bit different. Very, very old men doing the cabaret. Yeah. Yeah, they're all right. Yeah. It has gone.

West Brom had a guy many years ago who um who ran a pub and other things that don't surprise me yeah and he um

he uh slept walked through the upstairs window no and perished he didn't yeah here you go

footballers and pubs that was my anecdote I think you need it yeah yeah exactly well I've got a version of that

but what if he's got family listening oh yeah um okay this no I'm not going to do it

oh I've done it should have ended with the sound of um bins being knocked over I feel like a terrible enabler yeah you have you led me It should have ended with the sound of bins being knocked over. I feel like a terrible enabler.

Yeah, you have. You led me into that. I really did. You monster. I know how to control you and I chose not to. That was monstrous behaviour. I can't remember what the original point was. I think it was West Brom. You probably don't want to speak about it for very long. Ex-football is becoming public.

Yeah, it has gone, I must say that. It's a pity. If anyone goes to a pub run by an ex-footballer, let us know. Johnny Vincent, the former Birmingham player, used to have a pub, obviously in the West Midlands. And I remember he'd got an enormous black and white photo of him exchanging shirts with Pele, I think it was. It was when everybody went to America to,

well, I say when, people still do it, of course, go to America because the football's a bit easier there. Right. And it was a massive... I mean, that was a man who didn't mind talking about the fact that he'd been a footballer and played in America. Yeah. Well, that's the deal, isn't it?

That is the deal. Terry Venables and Scribes used to love it there. Yeah? Yeah, that's one of my favourites. And then, of course, there's the breakfast with Telly Savalas, in which Telly Savalas, in his later years, was given free accommodation at a hotel as long as he had breakfast with eight guests every morning

and told the same stories about... Is that essentially what we do? Yeah. But I wonder if I... Not noticing the free accommodation, though. Say when I'm, I don't know, 60. Say... Oh, no. Ouch. Sorry, can we do that again? Oh. should know say when I'm I don't know 60 say oh no ouch

sorry can we do that again when I'm when I'm old if somebody offered me that free accommodation at a hotel I had to get up

and talk about like fantasy football and three lines would you do it the glory days um I think you really considered that

like it's a sincere offer depends on if they've got black pudding 632 has sent us whatever happened to Frank whatever happened to old hangmen becoming publicans?

Ah, yeah, they became publicans. A lot of them. They did? Well, I say a lot of them. I only know Albert Pierpoint. Albert Pierpoint, yeah. But he, not only did he become a publican because obviously... He was the last one. You know, he got paid.

He was, because you could still be, I don't know if you still can. Can I just say some hangman facts coming up here? Well, it was often said, and maybe this isn't it, but it was often said, and I don't know if it still applies, but you could still be hanged for treason or set on fire to Her Majesty's shipyards to this day. So he, although he didn't hang anyone for years, still got paid by the state for the hangman,

just in case anybody did that. He was on the back burner, on a retainer. Yeah. Money for old rope, if you ask me. That's where that phrase comes from, isn't it? Nice to be able to use that. That's a big mo, isn't it? That's where that phrase comes from.

No, I didn't know it was that. They used to sell bits of the rope as a souvenir. To the reels of the masses. I must mention that. They used to sell bits of the rope as a souvenir. To kind of really blow me down. I must mention that when I'm with my friends in the S&M community. You made Emily's party out. There's a little merchandise thing we've been missing out on.

You've got to work on your branding. I have a word with Lev. Lev? Lev, yeah. He sounds nice. Is it he with Lev. Lev? Lev. Yeah. He sounds nice. Is it he, Lev? It's a he, yeah. I'm just curious.

And in a, well, I don't know, it's a final. No, hold on. Can I say, I was reading, I remember I read Diana Dawes' autobiography. Uh-huh.

And, um. Did she do a pun for the title? Um, it wasn't. She didn't do't do the doors any sort of doors pun open doors yeah about her about her once again i've led you into a romantic life there was a one of chapter chapter once about a childhood, early doors. Oh, dear. And, yeah, I'm thinking one door, short sort of door.

Yeah. Let's stop it now. No, let's stop it. So she said in there that she went into Albert Pierpoint's pub and he actually had one of those don't hang around the bar stickers with someone hanging on it. At least he could laugh at his macabre job.

Yeah. I'll tell you what his great gift was he written, because I read his autobiography as well, at AP. And he said he could, they used to introduce him to the prisoner, the one who's going to get the rope treatment

the rope treatment extraordinary way to describe it he said when he shook hands he developed a thing he'd shake hands with them and on the handshake he could guess their weight to within two or three pounds that is good

but he probably put a few women off being friendly with him he could guess their weight to within two or three pounds. That is good. Well, he probably put a few women off being friendly with him. I felt a sharp intake of breath go round the whole, the very concept of it. Yeah, he's quite a character, peer point. OK. Absolute radio. Sometimes we get a commercial radio on a Saturday morning.

Family business it was. It was his dad, I think, was one. Oh, lovely. We're still talking about that. They started it. He said what happened

to hangmen becoming Republicans. He said it. One of his proudest moments. Peer point this. Peer point that. Somebody brought it up. They said,

he said one of the things he was most proud of is that his grandad invented a special harness so you could hang a one-armed man. Wow. Oh, God, I said, it's great, eh? Finally you've got more spare time in your hands, best what you could come up with. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text, just listening to Frank Skinner re-great Uncle Albert, it's all true, two exclamation marks. Oh. Brackets, Katie Pierpoint. You're kidding me. Close brackets, loving the show.

Fantastic. You know what I love about the Pierpoint family? What? She's done a little winky face as well. Yeah, yeah, that. I like that. That's fabulous. We've heard from Katie Pierpoint.

Yeah. What a great name. Wow, that is the best noose I've had all morning. I can't imagine about that. I don't think I've ever seen this team quite so starstruck as hearing from Katie Peterpoint. She should do a podcast called Have I Got Noose For You? Oh, that would be good.

Come on, now we're talking. You're going to have another one of your shows full of ideas for people. Yeah. Well, of course, me and Lev, we often use the one-armed man harness. We call it the hands-free in our community. Oh, that's good. Frank, we've had news in...

Well, not news, but... That's quite good. Breakfast radio we've heard from the niece of Britain's former hangman. Great niece, I think. I don't mean to be laughing at your very existence. niece of Britain's former hangman. Great niece, I think. I don't mean to be laughing at your very existence. It's amusing, I like it.

I wonder if Katie was any good at hangman at school. Does it give you an edge? Is there a board game of hangman, which, you know, you get different editions, is the one-armed man edition, when you don't have to do one less stick to celebrate the harness?

I hope she's enjoying this, but she's got gallows humour, I've heard. No, I... Prisoner805Frank has been in touch to say it was lovely to see you all supporting the cockerel last night. Was it by choice or was it a mandatory team-building exercise? Apologies to Effany if I stood on your toes towards the end. No, we did.

We definitely went along. Out of choice. I did call Daisy in the afternoon and give you all an opt-out. No, I got that. Can you believe they've got a text from the Cocker saying it's quite snowy? I'm surprised I haven't mentioned it on the news. Yeah.

Breaking news. A lot of people apparently can't make it, which again was a lie, because there's about, what, ten empty seats? Because of adverse weather conditions. Yeah, it did at one point. I don't know if you're aware of this, what, ten empty seats? Because of adverse weather conditions. Yeah, it did at one point. I don't know if you're aware of this, Al, but the announcer said,

there are five empty seats in the front row if anyone would like to move forward. And I did think, oh, that would be cruel. You thought, no. Yeah. We toyed with it and we thought, no. There'd be extra pressure, pressure, pressure. I thought that would have been.

Yeah. So we went to see Al and it was absolutely brilliant. I was very proud of you, Al. Thank you for coming, everyone. And relieved, as I always am when it's funny and I can laugh a lot. I was relieved too. Yeah. It was very, very funny.

Especially like that bit... Wait, no, I'm not going to do that anymore. Don't worry. Go and see Alan Cochran. Alanish Cochran, if she's one of the two. Alanish Cochran. And Frank did something rather extraordinary

in the dressing room when we went back and Frank suddenly said you know you're doing what you do oh darling you're marvellous and chatting Frank says

can I make a cup of tea and so he puts the kettle on in Alan's dressing room well I saw all the ingredients were gazing at me yeah there were the tea bags the milk you, I saw all the ingredients were gazing at me. There were the tea bags, the milk, you know. I saw Frank looking at the kettle,

and I thought, he wants a cup of tea. I would have assumed that he wanted to go away because we were on this this morning. But when you really want a cup of tea and all the raw ingredients are there. All the tea bags. To me, it was all about whether we had time. That was the only question.

Can I just point out that the man who was in the front row with his socks on the stage... Oh, I didn't notice that. He had his feet on the stage. Yes. What's that about? Legend. I know, what comedians usually say,

you've got an equity card, mate. Oh, do they? Because you've got your feet on the stand. Is that a new thing, but the socks? I mean, there's one thing with the... I know. He probably had sturdy boots on because of the weather and was glad to get them on.

But yeah, I think it's a piece of arrogance. That is when I wish I performed with a society cane. So I could give that silver, really whack it across the... Like a bo-brom-on. Because there's a lot of bones in the top of the foot. Quickly turned into violence towards my audience, this, wasn't it? Yeah. That's why I've always thought

you get very small bars of soap in hotels. Because if you drop it on your foot in the shower it would be a court case if you had one of those big St. Lyfers you think that's what it is?

I think that's my I love your theories do you know what was interesting is that just before I was speculating

about what Alan's walk on music would be oh yeah yes you were. And then just as he was at the lights, it was all happening, the guy had given the warning to get ready.

And then they played Wake Up, It's a Beautiful Morning. And I thought, Alan is just shamelessly, just in case you don't know, I'm that bloke from The Breakfast Wife. No, at all. I don't have one. No. Well, it was obviously coincidence,

but I thought, oh, it's a bit cheesy. I operate a, let's take as few decisions as possible about things now. Because I could spend all day, I told you I'm indecisive, so I spend all day trying to pick the right walk on music. It's better off just not picking any. Just put a playlist on

and turn it up and then turn it down and then I'll do my jokes. I'm amazed. I mean, to me, walk-on music is so important. So yeah, it was a Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So, yeah, it was a tremendous gig. There was something wrong with both the producer and the assistant producer. You got that in your head?

They were milling around in a sort of a lifeless fashion. Oh, yeah? Like a George Romero movie. Is this pre-gig or post-gig? Pre-gig. Oh, OK. So let's get some drinks. We went up to the bar and they were just standing around,

looking around like they couldn't work out where we'd gone. Yeah, but the great thing was we got the Pringles. Oh, nice. Guess what? To you, no charge, sir. No. I could have done without the sir, but there you go. I don't know how that happened. Yeah. We got free... No charge, sir. No. I could have done without the sir, but there you go. I don't know how that happened.

We got free two packets of Pringles. Salt, vinegar, one barbecue. I made you not get cheese and onion. I know. Yeah, it was great. No, really, it's fine on the house.

I presume because we're with you. Really? Yeah. Fantastic. I didn't get any. house. I presume because we're with you. I think, really. Fantastic. I didn't get any. What worries me now, as we're telling this, is if Al's inviced for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to be very sullen. We met some lovely readers.

Lovely, our readers. Now, there was an example. So nice, those people. When we sat, the bloke in front of me turned round and said, can I just say, to me, he said, he said, I really love you. I think you're brilliant. Oh, that's nice.

And I said, thanks. He said, is it all right to say that? I said, yeah, I said that started the evening on an absolute high. Yeah. It's going to be hard to follow that. And then someone come and sat next to us and the guy leaned across and said,

can I just say I love the show? I said, already it's diminishing. Yeah, he didn't like it when I got the attention. It's been slightly, there's a bit more water going in with the Ribena.

Yeah. And then, and then I found myself, I thought, well, you know, two people who like this will talk.

So I was chatting, and it often happens to me, I think, well, I'll engage. I don't want to be one of those aloof people that don't, we'll talk. So I was chatting, and it often happens to me, I think, well, I'll engage. I don't want to be one of those aloof people that don't, so I engage.

And then I felt it was that, and this has happened to me so many times, I felt they were thinking, all right, sure, up next. Yeah,

yeah. Like, I was the one who was slightly pestering them. We were a bit thirsty. Right. You know. Well,

we'd had two packets of Pringle. So, yeah. One of them said, oh, this is great. It's just like being here listening to the show. And Frank said, well, I hope the show's a bit better than this. Meaning our conversation. Yes. You know, which I didn't take personally.

But, of course, it isn't all the time. As I said last week, like MKFC, some weeks the chicken doesn't turn up. Exactly. We had to make do and manage. You just have to get a rice box. That's life, I'm afraid. Yeah. I'll tell you what I'm doing today, by the way.

What? Tell us. I'm going to see Watford versus West Bromwich Albion. Right. At Watford versus West Bromwich Albion. Right. At Watford. And I got an email from my personal assistant and to say that my partner wants to do something to the kitchen, so she's been talking to a builder man.

And I've had nothing to do with it. I said, you just do what... Oh, you just do what man is coming in and out of your house I said do what you want to do yeah that man is coming out of my house yeah why he brings flowers I've no idea and um and then she said oh he's been in touch um he wants to um get in touch with you I said well I'd you know I don't I'm nothing to do with me this kitchen thing and she said, no, he wanted to take you to Watford West Brom.

It's a table, table for 12 in the hospitality area. And I said, well, that's lovely, but I don't know who he is, never met him. So it's great, but I'm going with... Are you going with him? I'm going to be on a table of 12

with people I never met you're can I be honest you're quite easy to become friends with yeah yeah very easy yeah yeah

but it's going to be a table of 12 strangers it's going to be like jewellery service yeah and they're all Watford supporters I presume they are

yeah I shouldn't think there'll be many Albion fans amongst them no it's a love don't get me wrong it's a lovely gesture it is and I just think you know when people say when you go on holiday yeah if you go on your own many Albion fans amongst them. No. It's a love, don't get me wrong, it's a lovely gesture. It is.

And I just think, you know when people say when you go on holiday, if you go on your own, you get to, this is obviously lonely people who mainly push it, but they say you get to talk

to more people and stuff like that. So I'm thinking, maybe I'll start dining out and stuff. Dining out. Not taking anyone with me, just join other people. He might become a lovely friend. He might do. Who knows? And then the kitchen might get decent rates on that.

Yeah. Well, I'm on tour on my own, and I can say that dining out on your own doesn't mean that you talk to people all the way through a meal every time. No. I think there's quite a lot of it that's fairly solitary, but enjoy the football. I mean, I've had meals with my partner where we haven't spoken a damn word. And long, long car journeys

where the same thing has happened. Yeah. But, you know, at least I get the afternoon off that torment. That was a joke. That was a joke, okay? Kath, if you're listening Kath, Kath Kath, come back

Oh Meanwhile, over in the Pierpoint household Yeah This is Albert Pierpoint's granddaughter, did we say? She said Uncle Albert. Oh, Uncle Albert. So she says, by the way, I'm killer at Hangman if you ever fancy a game.

Well, I mean, it would be very poor if she wasn't good at Hangman. Yeah. You've got to make that your life thing. She seems quite friendly, though, doesn't she? She does look a bit like Albie was. Yeah. You know, he's doing his job. Yeah. We've

also had a text from 225 who, in response, I think, to the Pringles incident at the theatre last night, has said, is it possible that the cockerel left a tab behind the bar for you? No. Disgust.

I think Frank and I have ever spoken in unison quite so emphatically. I'll set them up, you knock them in. I think it's more possible that Jurassic Park will become a reality.

A bit harsh. But it was... It was nice in the theatre. Maybe it's because you did like five weeks there or something in the past. Maybe just because it was so exciting I was there. Yeah, maybe. They did seem it. They did seem it.

Oh, my goodness. That's what I call celebrity. Two packets of Pringles and... Yeah. And some pipes of lager. You know what? I was honoured. I was impressed, though.

They seemed very nice. Because you ventured through the elements. You ventured through Snowmageddon to get there last night, Frank. Can I say something? The woman who served us was facially pierced. Right. And I often find that the facially pierced are quite nice people. Now, you'd think that they weren't.

They wouldn't be, wouldn't you? Well, she is, why? Well, it's like an aggressive sort of thing to do. I don't think so. But she is, I would say, off the top of my head, the fourth person I've had contact with in the last 12 months who looked a bit like you wouldn't want to be next to them if there was a lightning storm.

Right. And then they've been really properly, like, gentle. You see, I see them as sort of... Confirmation bias. I see them as sort of outliers and alternative and therefore positive. I would always have seen them rather than the cigar smokers of the world.

Do you see? I do, yes. Are you telling me I'm some yes. Well, you know, I've often... Are you saying I'm some sort of bigot? No! I'm just saying

I haven't seen them. I didn't ever see them in that way. No. That's all. I'd consider getting my ears widened but not the actual

face pierced. You know, the holes... You'd have that done, would you? The big holes. I think I'd consider that but not the rest. Yeah, I would... It's good to ponder it. Because I'm consider that, but not the rest. Yeah, I would.

Because I'm very obsessed with people using a coaster. I might get it done and have a couple of coasters fitted in the lobes. And in an emergency, I'd just lie my head sideways on the table and say, put it on that. Stop spawning that varnish. You could get that thing done that person that Sting used to take around, you know. Oh, yeah. You could just have a collection of posters in your... Oh, yeah.

Amazonian table tennis champion 2008. In your bottle. That's a good whatever happened to. What happened to Sting's pal? Yeah, he won the Amazonian table tennis championship whilst reading... Hannah Caretna Respectamundo Absolute

Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This however is Frank Skinner with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran You can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. The choice is yours.

Can I just say, congratulations, well done, to this show for doing the first hour with barely mentioning Snowmageddon. Yeah, we haven't talked about the Beast from the East. Ivan Drago. Danny Dyer, I'd call that. That's a rocky reference.

I think I met my mate Lev. So many beasts of news, it turns out. Yeah, the mouth from the south, we call him. Oh, yeah. That's Rob Beckett. Yeah. No, that's the mouth from the south. Oh, is it? Okay.

Yes, we were brave to snow last night, of course, to go and see Alan Cochrane. Well, you have a bit of a boots and braces approach to the snow. Well, the great thing about the snow, I see, I mean, you won't agree with this, Emily, is that I just think you can wear anything. I mean, I've got denim on. I've got jeans.

I never wear jeans. No man over 50 should wear jeans. But I'm wearing jeans, so I'm going to fall over. You think No man over 50 should wear jeans, but I'm wearing jeans, so I think I might fall over. You think no man over 50 should wear jeans? You've got to wear clothes that you want to fall over, you're prepared to fall over in. Can we just slightly move

on to your opinions on denim? Because I've thought this, but I might delay it to 60 to stop wearing denim. No, don't. Oh, the old pushback. The rest of development. We've all done it, dear. Oh, the old pushback. Yeah. I mean, I think... The rest are development. We've all done it, dear. I've done it with the long hair. I think...

If you... If you over that period change your gender, I think you'll be fine, because I think women can wear jeans forever. But I do... Oh, thank you, darling. I went to see La Boheme at the Coliseum, and I saw Jonathan Miller.

Oh, yeah. Who's, I mean, must be 80. Yeah. And he was in jeans. Right. And I thought, that's enough for me. It didn't look right. So in my 40s, am I right to be double denim-ing?

I think that's all right. Because then it can stop at 50. I thought last night, on stage last night, you looked like you'd been to the Ant & Dick shop. Did I? Yeah, you had like you'd been to the Ant and Dick shop. Did I? Yeah, you had one of those sort of slight grey tops that sort of done all the way up and stuff. No, it wasn't.

But anyway, yeah. Wasn't it? Nearly. One button and done. Well, I mean, I wasn't studying, but I did think... Strangest fashion conversation I've ever been in. Anyway, Snowmageddon. Yeah.

Is it being called Emageddon? Yes. Sounds like... Sounds like a glamour model. Sounds like the most attractive girl in a school in Yorkshire from when I was there. I tell you... I'm going to ask Emageddon now.

Emageddon just sounds like an absolute nightmare that you went out with. Remember Emageddon? I went out with... Oh, God, yeah. Well, isn't that snow? Looks beautiful. High-maintenance nightmare.

Like a model in so many ways. In so many ways. Foundly let down by the snow. Were you? Because Boz's school was closed for the day. Oh, yeah. Apparently it was too cold to learn. And so, yes, I was

already furious about that. And so then I said, well, never mind, we'll go sledging. So we went over onto the Parliament Hill, which is near me where everyone sledges. And the snow had sort of been blown off it. So we just went

basically down, we sledged on some hard grass. Oh, we sledged on some hard grass. We sledged on some hard grass, man. Or sledged out. Don't give me no negative waves. And it was... Nancy Jones! It was...

It spoiled it considerably because snow is very much, literally almost, the icing on the cake because it covers all the bumpy, hard stuff. Yeah. So we had that and I said, never mind, we'll go back and build a snowman. And, no. Did you build one?

I couldn't. It was so powdery. Oh, that's annoying. Couldn't get purchased. Oh, if only we had an Eskimo on the show who would give us one of their 50 words for snow. This is the theory, isn't it?

That Eskimos have got 50 words for snow. Because obviously they talk about snow quite a lot. My theory is that they don't. It's a bit of a big moment. You've got to hear it about this. Because the argument, we've talked about snow all week because we don't use the app Snow, so it's an amazing novelty item to have around.

That is not true of the Eskimos. Right. By the way, before someone corrects me, I know the Eskimos is sort of a conglomerate term for several races of people. I heard this on the popular radio show, Justin Inuit where you have to talk

for a minute about snow. So don't give me all that. Shot your faces on that front. So that's where we are this morning. I'm speaking from a good place. They must have a word

for that powdery snow that you can't even build a snowman with because it's too powdery. They must. Yeah. Maybe it's called no instead of snow because you can't do anything with it. It's a formal, yeah. That would be confusing. The other one would be blow, the stuff that was on the...

Yeah. That blew off the hill. I like the dystopian vibe of Snowmageddon, though. Because I ventured out in my car. I was Mad Max. I was the sole person on the roads. Oh, dear. And I loved it.

I mean, there was maybe three other cars. This is when it first all started coming down. I went for it. Well, this is the brilliant thing, because when you do go out, one rarely gets the opportunity to be heroic. You really feel like... I felt amazing. and one rarely gets the opportunity to be heroic in Broadway. You really feel like... I felt amazing. Me and Kath went to the National Theatre and back

and we honestly were talking like we were Sir Arnold Fiennes. And when I got in, you know when you did that thing, get in, I actually went, got in! We'd gone back and I thought, not only have we been to the theatre, but now we've got an anecdote about how courageous we are. Oh, dear. And now we won't be held back by the elements.

Yeah. Double bubble. So proud. Brilliant. Did you clear the snow off your roof when you drove there, Emily? That's very important to me. No, I didn't, actually. As the motoring correspondent.

I didn't. Because you know the first time you break all that snow is going to slide down your windscreen and then you'll be... I know, but that rather added to the excitement. I didn't even clean off the windscreen. I thought, what's the point of having a sat-nav? Do you know, a nice man did my back window for me. He did

a lovely job. I just got the... Lev. Lev! Lev did my back window. I put a glove on and I just got the... Lev. Lev. Lev did my back window. I put a glove on and I just made two small eye holes in the snow on the windscreen and I drove there like that. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Some people have become celebrities in the snow. I don't know if you saw the footage of the Deliveroo driver.

Not driver. Deliveroo deliverer. Yeah. Just lying down and sliding down a hill. Was he sliding on something? I don't really know. Is it just that sort of shiny plastic? Didn't he shout something like, I've got to get the Nando's out or something like that?

Yeah, I've got to get the Nando's out. But he had the Deliveroo, that's just in a sort of tortoise formation. He carried it on his back, didn't he? Yeah. I imagine, I imagine. I mean, I know it was, when I saw it, I thought pizzas.

You know when you get pizzas and they've all gone to one side of the box? I hate that. It's good knowing that it's Nando's and that didn't happen, that it's OK. No, there's probably things that could happen to it at Nando's. Yeah. The chicken huddled in one corner of the box like it was trying to avoid the cold weather.

It's horrible. Him sliding down that hill might be the first time anyone has envied anybody in Deliveroo clothes. Oh, I don't know. Because most of the time when I see the Deliveroo clothes, I think, oh, man, that's cold. Not a good day. But weirdly, in the snow...

Yeah, that's because you're a biker person, isn't it? Oh, yeah, maybe. See, I've never thought that. I've always... I've never seen a Deliveroo person without thinking, I wonder what's in that box. Oh, really? Yeah, I've got a sort of deal or no deal approach,

I think, to Deliveroo. I always, they should say. Except more likelihood of guessing it correctly. Well, when you see people delivering, like, from, you know, Yo Sushi or something, obviously you know what's in there. But with Deliveroo... It's a mystery.

It's a wonderful mystery. Can you order...oo it's a mystery it's a wonderful mystery can you order is it a wonderful mystery I love that mystery can you order sort of Lucky Dip from Deliveroo oh that would be fun

and not just say I'd like some could you deliver some food is it like the Google yeah I feel lucky yeah exactly yeah using that

surprise me there should be a surprise me button on Deliveroo that would be great just how many people uh and then it just come because you couldn't do it in modern age because everybody's allergic to someone doesn't want them like this and don't like that what about the people on the trains there was one they got stuck on a train for 19 hours with no heating. Oh, wow. And with no...

No toilets. No comfort break. No toilets? No toilets. What did they do? Well, let's not even think about that. It was one of the emissions in the storm. I can't think about anything else.

Yeah, I found it makes me want to go now. Yeah. When they interviewed them in their scarves on, you know, GMB or whatever, he was saying, the gentleman that they interviewed them in their scarves on GMB or whatever, he was saying, the gentleman that they interviewed with, he was saying, yeah, I mean, there's no toilets. The gentleman? I call him the gentleman. No trolley, nothing.

I thought, well, that seems quite a high maintenance request, the trolley. What about a trolley but with a toilet on it? Yeah. And potty. Yeah. But what did they do? They just kept warm by dancing to Madonna. Oh, this is the bit that I think,

it made me actually paranoid, this story, because I think... That's Ozzy Osbourne. There's about two minutes of kind of bonhomie in me to strangers where I'm like, oh, yeah, we're stuck. Are you going to be all right? I said it the other day. I was on a train that was delayed.

I said, oh, is that good for you if it reroutes and we end up going there? And then I thought, okay, I'm out. I'm done with my friendliness to strangers. I mean, 15 hours later, I think they would have all been dancing to Madonna and I would have been like, I'm going to be in the other corner reading a book.

I'll see you all tomorrow and we're allowed out. So I just think they would have turned on me and then if it becomes like a cannibal situation, I'm the one getting eaten on the train. So as somebody, they've got the Immaculate Collection on their phone. A CD Walkman. Yeah.

It was. And they've put that on and the whole train has danced. Yeah. I hope that happened. I think that's just beautiful. I had decided at the beginning of this year that I was going to start every day dancing. Oh yeah.

And so on the foot I just think it's a great way to get the old things going. Worried about your old things. Yeah. They're going. Fitbit also registers dance steps. I hadn't realised that.

Does it? Yeah, so you could... I've actually... I know where a thing called Gitbit. And you can actually burn off quite a lot of calories just being a bit spiky. But anyway, on the... Only in not so much way. The 1st of January. You can actually burn off quite a lot of calories just being a bit spiky. But anyway, on the 1st of January, exactly,

I got up on the... No, I'm going to end on that. I'm not going to top Emily's joke. Oh, thank you. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I saw a neighbour brushing snow off her car windscreen during Snowmageddon, and using a little brush

that you might normally pair with a dustpan off the windscreen. What would you use? I'd go blusher brush. I've got an ice scraper that I would use, but for a big amount of snow, I would use my arm, got an ice scraper that I would use but for a big amount of snow I would use my arm and then ice scraper

but she was going with dustpan and brush brush Oh you're so rebel leader of the alliance. I can only assume that she's been watching a lot of the winter Olympics and the curling has given her the idea of, I'll tell you what, brushes are good for dealing with. Well Boz did his first ever snow angel

You know when you lie on your back and wave your arms This is a real thing now, isn't it? Yeah, well I think it's been Has it been around for a long time? I think it is quite new, isn't it? No Not in my day, we didn't call it that I think it's the last decade

It's the last It's more than that No It is, I remember Not in London, dear I remember doing it with a girlfriend in Yosemite. We don't want to know that. One of your anecdotes.

We never did that. When I was in, I remember holding down a hummingbird on its back with my index finger, making it do a little tiny snow engine. And, man, it kicked up quite a little mini snow storm. It's like a mini blizzard once the wings got... So you did the snow angel. Yeah. That was good.

Okay. And you've really shocked me now, honestly. Why? It's been around for ages. Well, not in our gaff. Well, that's the audience. When did you first hear of a snow angel? I thought it was a new phenomenon, Frank.

I thought it was like the plank or something. No, no, no. Oh, no. Now, I'll tell you what I was telling you about, getting up in the morning and starting the day with a song. So on January the 1st, I got up, my family were all sitting there, and I started on my own. I danced to March of the Gladiators.

Do you know it? No. I don't know. Oh, yeah. It's a great way to start the day. Really upper body and everything works out. Upper body. You find it's a tremendously...

And I said to Buzz, I said, tomorrow you choose the music. Oh, yeah. And we danced to Welcome to New York by Taylor Swift. Oh, really? Oh, Buzz! It's all right.

Didn't mind it. I'm so proud of him. Welcome to New York. Yeah. Yes. I love that. Welcome to the gladiators. I was doing a mash-up up there I like the circus music though

Great way to start the day Yes Do you remember We used to do I think it may have been Before your time Albert Before the show We would come into the studio

And we'd all dance To the Cagney and Lacey thing Definitely before my time I don't think you'd have done it I think I would have got My aggressive management To put a clause in in exempting me from i really enjoyed that there's no looking back there's no way alan would have done that no way no i'm not a natural joiner in a mark lightness has been in touch snow angel is an ancient tradition a hundred fact he's done

the hundred emoji to drive that home that That's not really a fact, though. It's just an opinion in a text. I stand corrected. Well, I mean, I think I must have been in Yosemite just after the First World War. And I remember then with a girlfriend, we met two lovely angels. Oh.

Yes. And then she was eaten by a bear. Oh, that's for sure. No, she wasn't, obviously. And also, before you say... I did not hold a hummingbird down. Obviously, that was a flight of fantasy. No pun intended.

I did, but it was a cake. There is a bakery, a popular bakery called... Come on, don't make me explain these. It's as good. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. The new thing that overtaken snow angels is face plants.

So you push your face into the snow to get a presentation of your face. Oh, I suppose it's a bit like the Hollywood Walk of Fame and all that when they used to put their body parts. Oh, yes. Yeah, and a bit more ephemeral, of course, as fame has become. Oh, I do, too. I'm going to concrete some of those over now.

I once went on a train to, yeah, some of those hands in particular. Maybe they've taken them for forensic evidence. Those hands are currently helping police with their inquiries. It turns out that's not what they should have gone for in the cement if they wanted to know what they're going to be remembered for. Anyway, I got a train to Norwich. Norwich were playing West Bromwich Albion in what I think would have been the winter of 78, 79.

And because football fans had something of a reputation then for smashing up trains, they gave us a train with no heating. This was, I think it was in January. Oh, really? And it was, there was ice on the, literally ice on the insides of the windows.

So, it was, I mean, it was, it was like a three-hour journey. So, what we did, we didn't dance, I'll be honest. But we got everyone on the train, I suppose it was about five or six,

maybe more than that, eight or nine coaches. We all got into two coaches. So we were literally in there. You couldn't fall down. It was so tightly packed with people. And it became really, really warm. Really?

Huddled together? I mean, not just huddled. We were packed in, the proverbials. Oh. The sardines. Oh, yeah, right. And, yeah, that's the way to do it. We got hot very quickly.

Of course, you probably couldn't do it now. No. No. Could you imagine? That could go wrong, couldn't it? As I say it, I thought, no, you couldn't do that. Yeah, some man came over and said, I just want to keep warm. Yeah, exactly.

I don't think I might. Yeah, it's quite a difficult thing to start. Like, if you're the person whose idea that is. Do you think we should all huddle together in two carriages? Looking back, I don't remember there being any women on the train one time. But of course, it doesn't have to be even that in the modern age. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, it's difficult difficult it's a minefield actually where's that thing we should read out we had some information in a responsible piece of

information that was given to us about snow you shouldn't drive with snow on the car morning guys the travel people

it's an offence to drive with snow on your vehicle is that what they call themselves now the travel people no it's somebody offence to drive with snow on your vehicle. Is that what they call themselves now, the travel people? No, it's somebody... They've actually put in brackets travel peeps, but... They're trying to take the sort of edge off their...

The authority. Yeah. Oh, no, with the travel people. It's an offence to drive with snow on your vehicle as it not only endangers you as the driver but also puts other drivers at risk, hence you are liable to points on your licence and a fine. Good heavens.

Apparently, it's in the highway code. I don't mind the fine, but I'm worried about the points. I do tut-tut to people with snow on their roof. It's one of my... Do you? Yeah. One of my hobbies is tut-tutting other drivers. I can't stand outside my house.

I went down... The other night where I got back quite late, I went every car down our road and did a snow angel on the roof. Did you? Yeah. Good for you. Some of them buckled awfully. I felt like the wrench was in the back.

But, you know, it's got to be done. I tell you what, I've become more devil-may-care about hat hair than I think I've ever been in my life. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how my hair looks today, but it's been like Woody Woodpecker most of the week. I just wear a hat and to hell with it. Again, it's

that thing. I just wear anything. Well, I've been wearing a flat cap, so there's been a constant ring around my head and forehead. I've had an extra wrinkle on my forehead. That looks like a forceps birth. Yeah, it doesn't. I've had to just accept it. Or maybe that you were

that you were party to a von Toos. Yeah, that's not good. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Frank, we've got to read a question for you from 240.

Okay. Can Frank tell the age of men wearing jeans by judging whether Frank, we've got to read a question for you from 240. OK. Can Frank tell the age of men wearing jeans by judging whether they look OK in them? This is an amalgam of me saying men shouldn't wear jeans over 50 and that Albert Pierpoint could tell someone's weight by shaking their hand. Yeah, if I shake someone's hand, I could tell whether they should be wearing jeans.

I think, yes, there's a certain look. I think old men, and I'm including myself in this, their legs get a bit sort of spindly. You get a bit Charles Hortry. You don't want it moving about too much in the jean. You want a bit of... So are you saying that there's a caveat?

I can wear jeans into my 50s as long as I look after my posterior chain with squats and deadlifts. Do you know how happy I am that Frank has just used the fashion singular when referring to a jean? Did I actually say that? I feel like crying with happiness.

Did I say that? Yeah. I'm contagious. Here's another fashion item for you to chew over this week because of the intense cold. Oh, yeah. Not only did I wear my thermal woolly hat, but when we're talking about BAM,

the company that makes bamboo things. Wearing their socks to do. Yeah, and they sent me some pants and stuff but they also sent me a bam what i'm going to call a bamaclava oh so you did so i wore the ballad a black balaclava on because it's like fabric rather than wool a black i suppose it's that bamboo stuff yes it's priced i would. So I wore that fabric sort of thing underneath my woolen beanie hat. Did you have it over your face then? No, but just covering the sides and underneath

and then the black hat on top. There was a hint of the old Gregory Porter. Going on. Which you don't often see. No. I sit other than on Gregory Porter. True. I feel Gregory Porter. True. I feel Gregory Porter, like indeed Petr Cech.

Oh, yeah. The Arsenal goalie. Yeah. Petr Cech, when he, obviously, he wore that thing initially because he had a head injury. Yes. That hat. But I think then he thought, well, you know, my head's better now.

I'm going to stick with the hat because that is, that's going to be a merchant. I bet he took out a copyright. It became his brand. I bet he thought the club shop, they'll be like hot cakes selling these. And I bet Gregory, I bet you when you go to a Gregory Porter gig, there's a big merch store with

those hats on. You think? And they just have not caught on. No, I don't think they have. No? No. I said to Gregory Porter, no one's buying them. He said, what? And that's the other disadvantage of them, of course. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so

that's what I wore. That's a good hack for anybody with a balaclava at home that they're not using yeah wear a hat on on tom it works it works perfectly um whatever petr do you think petr check um where's that in that when he goes out in the snow that hat i imagine i imagine normally he doesn't but on the way in and out at the moment oh on. If he was going out and it's a bit slippy, you would be frustrated.

If you were Petr Cech walking to your car and you fell over and smacked your head and you didn't have that hat on, you'd feel pretty stupid. Can I tell you what I'll find frustrating? If he writes an autobiography and he doesn't call it PC gone mad. PC World. Oh, he's gone mad. PC World.

Oh, that's good. Oh, what's Gregory Porter going to call his? Life of a GP. Good point. Yeah. The publisher will say, does that really work? What? Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why don't you text us on 81215 and join in a bit for a change? Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Come on, Paul.

And email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Karen. And Pete from Litchfield. Ah, Litchfield. A.K.A. 096. I spent a lot of time there. Birthplace of Samuel Johnson, of course. Oh, really?

Of course. Pete says, whatever happened to stories about cloning? People went mad for Dolly. True. Now, since then, next went mad for Dolly. True. Now, since then, next to Narda. Yeah. Wow. What happened to, whatever happened to Narda?

Is it Nadia from Big Brother? Well, I'm going to go and get a cigarette. I'm going to go and get a cigarette. I don't know what I'm going to do. Do you remember, do you remember Nadia? I don't remember Nadia. I don't think I remember. It sounds like a good impression.

She was trying to give up smoking. It didn't go well. Oh, it was struggle. Right. Got it. I wonder what happened to her. I wonder what happened to him. I hear he was banned from a club in Bombay.

Not just because his mess bills exceeded his pay, but he took to pig sticking in quite the wrong way. I wonder what happened to him. I think that's the first time I've had a bit of Noel Coward on the show. Yeah, lovely. Anyway. It turns out, Pete, that you're unintentionally topical. Because only this week I was reading about my favourite cloning story ever.

Three Ladies of the Shire. Barbara Streisand. Oh, yeah. As I believe she likes to beire. Barbara Streisand. Oh yeah. As I believe she likes to be called. Barbara Streisand. I got a little insight into you as an 11 year old then. I don't know that song. I don't know what's that one.

It's like a really big dance song that I know better than any of Barbara Streisand's work. It basically goes like this. Barbara Streisand. Oh. It basically goes like this. Barbara Streisand. Oh, I see. So it's not her. No, it's not her work.

I'm guessing it's not her. It's by something duck or something. It'd be weird if it was her and she'd accidentally read the whole autocue. Just have to include her name at the top. And they were so embarrassed. I said, who did that? I want to know who did that?

Barbara Streisand. Backstage. So she's going to get her dog cloned. She's done it? Yeah, the dog Samantha. Yeah, she's had it done. Well, it's quite a confusing story. There's a lot of dogs involved in this story.

That happens in cloning stories, I think. Well, the breeders see... Why don't you press the button? It's like photocopying. I just come out of there. That's 101 Dalmatians. Yeah. Just cloning gone bad.

Yeah. Splatter of ink on the top sheet. The breed is a Coton de Thulière. What? And it's called a Coton de Thulière. What? And it's called a Coton de Thulière. What does that mean? I'll explain. You are being so careful after your Weimariner incident.

I know. The Coton is cotton in French, I believe. And Thulière is in Madagascar. It's a Madagascan dog. So it's the cotton of Madagascar. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

There you go. I want to move it, move it. Was he in it? King Julian. But I've never heard, I thought I'd heard of all the dog breeds. Yeah. Did you? But I'd never heard of a cotton de Tullier, ever.

Yeah? No. So she had, she was so sad when she lost Samantha after 14 years, I think. I think she knew Samantha was on her way out. Yeah. And took the swab of, I think it's some mouth spit. When I did Shep's anal glands. Oh, my heavens.

Can I just say Shep was a dog? Yeah. In case anyone doesn't know that. I think it's a friend of Wes. But it was, I got a book. The book was called The Staffordshire Bull Terrier. It was non-fiction. Like a Haynes manual.

Yeah, and I stood him on... You have to put a newspaper down and stand him on a table. In the table from which we ate! To put him on there and because he was in, I could tell he was having this, he was doing that thing of pulling himself around. Oh, it's a shame. And it smells, it smells.

It was not just that. It is smelly though. I tell you, he was pulling himself around the backyard and looked out the bedroom window and he'd written, help me. He got quite a nice handwriting I just call it gland writing very good

anyway oh lovely so I won't go into details on Breakfast Friday but you have to press the glands

and get the stuff out I'm glad you didn't go into details it's a grim it's dirty work but he was in pain someone has to do it it was a compassionate act's dirty work but he was in pain someone has to do it it was a compassionate act

and I'll never forget I did I'd started the the pressing he's on the table I'm

I'm at one end he's at the other well he's obviously he's at both ends you're at the business end football is I'm very much at the business end and I pressed

the the I begin the... Begin. Yeah. And he turned around and the look he gave me, I'll never forget that look. And I think I actually said to him,

I'm getting this from a book. Don't think that I'm just rummaging. But I'm getting it. I don't know how we got... How did we get to me fixing Cheb's iron hook lens we were talking

about Samantha the coton de tulier and the swab that was used oh yes well I didn't use a swab

I used a land lobber what's that like a plunger swabs and land lobs are things that pirates call. Well, she's now got Miss Scarlet, Miss Violet and Miss Fanny. Okay. Well, food for thought.

I think that sounded like three notes from my journal. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Barbara. Barbara. Barbara Streisand. And the dogs. Barbara Streisand. Streisand.

Yes. She's spelled... Her Barbara's a bit different, isn't it, as well? Well, I've heard that. Is it? It's not Barbara. Yeah, she just does an R-A. Oh, yeah.

I think she had... She's a bit affected. She had... I think... Wasn't had... She's a bit affected. She had... I think... Wasn't it... It started off normal and then she had a... She sponsored some bra thing.

Oh, yeah. That was quite like a barbed wire thing called the barb bra. Barb bra, yeah. Yeah. That's why it was lies. Yeah.

She said one of her motives for doing this, obviously because she adored this dog, but she's now got the three of them, Miss Scarlet, Miss Violet and Miss Fanny. Miss Fanny, yeah. And she says, I'm waiting till they get older to see if they have her brown eyes and her seriousness. I thought that was an odd quality to want to clone.

Seriousness. It's quite unusual in a dog, though. Brown eyes. Also, her seriousness. I can't think I've ever seen a dog with brown eyes. You're really, now you've got a genuine clone if that dog has brown eyes. If someone said to me,

the thing I love about you is your seriousness, I'd be slightly upset, I think. I think that's an odd compliment. It is a stretch. I'd be slightly upset, I think. I think that's an odd compliment. It is a strange... I'd be absolutely furious. Would you? In a dog, playfulness is a quality that you want in a dog, isn't it?

Busyness, that's what I find in dogs. They're always up to something. Oh, not the whippet. Oh, really? I was a whippet lazy. Oh, the whippet lies curled in a circle like a cat. Oh, yeah, we had a Whippet the other day. About 23 hours, at most 24-hour periods.

With its nose, I mean an eighth of an inch from its... From its anal glands. Is that what you're going to suggest? It's a very weird... It's like a Cumberland sausage, a Whippet. Yes, it is. Oh, mine's highly active. The Shih Tzu's highly active.

I thought you meant it, right? No. No. I thought that we can have chats about Shih Tzus and anal glands this much come on guys come on guys come on

can I say I don't believe in any in any way whatsoever that dog cloning exists do you not? do you think they've lied to her? I think she said...

Sort of stances that you take where you don't believe in things. She said to someone, no I really don't. She said, look I've got this coton de tullière and it's not well I want to clone it. And they've said, yes we can do that madam that'll be £36,000.

£70,000. £70,000. We can do that. And then hand over the phone, Steve, get on Amazon. They've got you caught under two layers. They all look the same. That's the whole point with dog breeds. Yeah.

And also they said, listen, they're not exactly the same when you've cloned them. No, I bet they aren't. They've got different personalities. They've got, yeah. Might suddenly have blue eyes in five years. They're the same breed is what they are. It's a complete lie.

They do not clone dogs. I'm not having it. Good for you. The seriousness. Oh, dear. Got any dogs? Yes. Got any really serious?

I mean, I want one with proper gravitas. Well, I'll have a look. We've got one who's stern. Stern isn't quite right. On seriousness. Profundity. That's what I'm after. I mean, for goodness sake.

I know you two are very much dog owners and lovers. When you say very much dog owners, we are just dog owners. Well, you are dog lovers, aren't you? We are dog lovers, yeah. Well owners we are dog lovers yeah well i do we take a quite different approach to barbara streisand yeah and uh whilst walking our dog recently we've um we've discussed her death at some point in the future and replacement that's nice we had quite a long chat about what kind of dog we would get next. I'm hoping that the Whippet cannot understand English, otherwise she may think, oh, but we take a much more morbid approach.

Well, I tell you what, this story has made me think when that terrible day comes for my Ray, the Coton de Tullier is looking quite... Oh, I was going to say he was going to clone him. Fly up on the leaderboard. No, not when you saw the bill. No, 70 Gs is too much.

Clone him. I mean, look, photo, videos. One thing I don't think there's much scarcity of is puppies. I think they're quite easy to get. What do you need those for? Puppies. Oh, I thought you said poppies.

Oh, no, puppies. Puppies. What are you talking about? If you get really upset, you can become an opium addict. And that'll take the edge off your bereavement. You're serious now. What about John McEnroe? What about him?

He couldn't find a dog capable of that. He's just going down the dog's arm going, you cannot be serious. You cannot. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Let me tell you something.

I was sitting this week pontificating about how things are going to go for Kendrick Lamar. Oh yeah. Is he going to stick with music? Is he going to do acting like a lot of rappers do? What's it going to turn out for him? Yeah. And I thought to myself

K Lamar, Lamar whatever we'll be, we'll be We'll be Let's hear you sing it The future's not ours to see K Lamar Lamar

Anybody harmonise? Did anybody? Anybody also That could also apply to Mark Lamar If he's listening But that's M Lamar Doesn't sound as much like K He's actually

He's basically I just want to make sure Phil's included He had the surname first. Yeah, but he didn't have K. No, I know. Okay. He's such a purist.

That's what makes it brilliant. Still don't really know who Kendrick Lamar is. I'm glad you've established what made it brilliant. Okay. Yeah. People write a lot of this down using their own acts. We don't normally read out praise as a policy, but I'm going to read some...

Can I say, I like getting praise as much as any... Yeah. ...well, performer, and indeed human being. Right. But when I hear radio shows where people say,

and Steve's texting in to say brilliant show this morning, I think that's an embarrassing thing. Yeah. What are you talking about? Well, I'm going to read you some praise, but it's not of this show. It's of you as individuals. Hey gang, sat next to Frank and Emily

last night at the show. That's my stand-up show. Oh yeah. Must compliment Tickets still available. You're right. Must compliment on celeb fan meeting etiquette. You were both lovely. I quoted. Well, that's nice Frank, isn't it? I think you are good at that. You were both lovely. Oh. I quoted... Well, that's nice, Frank, isn't it?

I think you are good at that. You are good at meeting the general public, the GP. I'm lonely. I don't mean Gregory Porter. You were both lovely. I quoted Frank's tribute to Dubliners joke to my girlfriend and got a bigger laugh than I had all night. Keep up the great work.

Well, I mean, this was... We were sitting waiting for Alan to come on and they had a screen in front of us saying who, and what other shows we could see. Coming shortly. Yeah, one of those, coming shortly. And I've used that phrase a few times. I just knew that was going to happen.

And you are. I'm the enabler. You are. I'm the enabler. You are. I'm the enabler. And anyway, there was a tribute act to the Dubliners. Yeah. Yeah. And I thought, I said to you, they should have kept their man shot

because nobody would have known it wasn't the Dubliners. Yeah. Nobody. So they could have just turned up and signed a few albums and all that what a mistake it's one of those

great I don't know if you're aware of the Dubliners but a very bearded group and there's a lot of them

so they had to cram close together for the photos and it's almost impossible to tell where one Dubliner

stops and the next one stops I love it. It's like some people looking through a hedge. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Barbara.

Oh, yeah. Barbara and the dogs, the clone dogs. I think there's something about Barbara Streisand where I think she may be one of those people now. You know there are certain celebrities that you'll believe almost anything about. There was a period where Chuck Norris

people started telling other jokes about Chuck Norris facts like Chuck Norris is made of steel and stuff like that. Really? I remember at school being told that Diana Ross was dead. That was a big... Everyone was talking about that.

I think she might be going the same way. I read in the comments section of a newspaper that Barbara Streisand lives in three different mansions on her property, and one of them has a shopping centre in the basement. Yes, she does. Is that true? It's a Victorian oldie world.

Oh, yeah. I think we might have even talked about that in the past. I, she does. Is that true? They're kind of Victorian oldie world. Oh, yeah. I think we might have even talked about that in the past. I think we might have. I love that. But, I mean, she's got a lot of money, so... Yeah. So she should be able to spend it in her own home. That's why there's people in the dog market

thinking, let's try it on the cloning thing. Yeah. They know. I mean, what do you say it was, 70 grand? 70 grand, which, can I just say, the producer said to me this week, because we were talking about this, we'd both seen it, and she said, I think that's really cheap.

What? So I just think you want to be thinking about that, Frank. Wow. She thinks that's reasonable, 70k. How much are we paying her? I don't know. It's worth thinking about during the next appraisal. There's something to think about there.

I always say, when people... I mean, I know one thing that you can't mention on television... There's something you're going to mention on the radio. ...is anything to do with dog. If you say anything slightly negative about dogs, people will go crazy. Which, you can interpret what you like about the British population from that.

You can feel free to say something unpleasant about my dog. He's a bit personality disordered. I love him. No, I don't. He's a bit wild. My dog's boring. Yeah. But people... That's fine. They start to emulate their owners eventually. It's the... I had a dog who I loved

and he used to sit on our step, our back step, for hours just looking up the garden. Is that Shep or Cal? That was Shep. Yeah. And he'd sit there very still unless a bird flew over and then he'd suddenly jump like a bird had gone over

and then he'd sit again and then another bird and again he'd flinch. And I think, how bad is his short term memory that every time a bird goes over he still flinches I mean eventually you're going to think

oh there's another one but no and I'm talking about for years yeah yes the great thing because when he went

deaf in later life he could creep up behind him on the step and suddenly grab him and he'd go jump jump a foot We'll have people think that that's a mean trick

to play on a deaf dog He loved it, he saw it as part of our affectionate knockabout relationship Along with the anal glands incident A mate of mine when we had dogs we're not your modern day dogs we never bought dog food Why did you feed them? We had scraps, when we had dogs, we were not your modern day dogs. We never bought dog food.

Well, where did you feed them? We had scraps. You know, he had whatever we had. He had what was left over. Can't do that with the whipped cream. And I suppose you didn't take them for walks. You just let them out. Exactly.

And they wandered out. Well, a mate of mine come round. He said, we're sitting, spending the day. And he said, I want to go, let's take your dog for a walk.

I said, what? He said, why don't we take the dog for a walk? I said, I'm not taking the dog for a walk. I said, what? He said, why don't we take the dog for a walk? I said, I'm not taking the dog for a walk. I said, for a start off, we don't have a lead. Amazing. And he said, so he took his belt and he put his belt through, this was a different dog.

No, no, it was Shep, I tell you that. And he got a belt and he took him out on his belt. And I didn't go. I said, I'll see you in a bit. So he got down. That must have been a nice day for him. On his own with a dog on a belt. So we went and the dog,

and Shep pulled so much he broke the belt. And he said he broke the belt. Anyway, he come back, he come back without the dog. And we hadn't gone far. I said, well, he said he broke the belt. Anyway, he come back without the dog. And I said, we haven't gone far. I said, well, he said he broke the belt. I said, well, you've left him out there. He said, well, what's happened? He said he ran.

He immediately ran into the post office. He said he ran straight through the post office and into their living quarters. He said, the bloke said to me get that dog out of here what's that dog he said we went in

he said he said none of us could none of us could get it away from the fire so it was lying by the fire

and he went in and said come on come on he went so nobody, so I had to go down and get him.

I actually went into the living quarters of the post office. Imagine how excited that was. Yeah. And there he lay. So,

yeah, we didn't, we didn't have, I'll tell you what, anyway, I'll ask when we get back. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 628 has been in touch. What have they had to say for themselves? Wow. Confrontational. Oh, I did a terrible thing the other day, by the way. Okay.

I enjoyed it. Yeah, we told you the gig was great. This is not a good response. Somebody said, Yeah, we told you the gig was great. This is not a good response. Somebody said, oh, I've got a joke for you. And I said, oh, you as well. Without even thinking. Wow. In a conversation.

You shouldn't use writers if you're going to be like that. I don't think you'd write. Anyway, pray continue. Okay, I don't know if this constitutes a spoiler alert, but Uhtred of Bebbanburg sacrificed his favourite hound to Thor in order to ensure a victory in battle. And he loved that dog. One I want to know is, did he win?

Yeah. No, he lost. Completely routed. Another piece of news. That's great. That's the kind of text I like. Yeah, I enjoy that. It's very us.

Breaking news. Who tread of Bebbanburg and Thor? That's brilliant. What decade station is that going to be appropriate on? 777 has been in touch. Nadia now works in Vidal Sassoon. Really? Yeah.

Oh, lovely. I'm glad. This is Nadia from Big Brother who we were talking about earlier. Well, I must drive past because she'll be standing outside smoking, almost certainly. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, that's lovely, though. Yeah.

I like Nadia. That was the guy I liked. I like your slightly celebrity approach to memory lane. I'll drive past. I won't go in and say hello. I'll drive past. I don't want to walk into it. I might end up accidentally having an expensive haircut.

The horror of it. Here's a question. I dog sat for a mate. Recently or some time ago? Oh, no, ages ago. I don't do that kind of thing anymore. After the incident. No, not in a current climate.

And now you two a dog owner? Yeah. This dog, on about three occasions when I was there, suddenly would stare at a spot on the wall. Just suddenly stop and stare at it. It absolutely frightened the glands out of me. I became convinced that it could see spirits of some kind. Oh, yeah.

That's definitely a logical approach. Yeah, exactly. That was my first port of calls and explanation. Spirits, he's seen. Do your dogs ever do stop and stare at her? I mean, my dog's got her own medium that we constantly have on call we've got one on speed dial

so that helps does she have a familiar? Sam what about yours? well occasionally he does that but he does have a sort of he's got quite a psychotic stare anyway got a manic edge

yeah he's got that in him. I'm a bit worried about it. You haven't sold him well at all today. No. Don't clown that one. That's my advice. Start again. Reboot. Ray 2.0. Yes. Well, I mean, would you have the same breed

even? Yes. Would you would? Okay. Shih Tzu for life. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's German for something. Anyway, look, it's been a blast. An ice blast. A snow blast. And thank you very much.

I'm now off to Watford, West Brom. That's how I have my... With 11 strangers. With 11 strangers. And quite a lot of malice and discontent I'm expecting in the air, but who knows? I didn't know Elton John was going. He could be there.

He could be there. That's what I meant, obviously. Life isn't everything. Isn't everything... What if he comes up to me and does that? I can't get away from him. That's the matter with him. He just suddenly stared at the spot on the wall

and thought he'd seen a spirit. Anyway, what am I doing now? Saying goodbye. Have I said goodbye? Oh, yeah. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise. What am I doing? Watch this.

Watch this. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Want your frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on

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