The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - GOAT

Episode Date: June 23, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank Emily and Alun have a World Cup round up which involves some Schama Shearer beef, Southgate's shoulder injury and an unusual throw in. They also chat Flight of the Conchords and weird toes!

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Jigga Lodge, Jigga Lodge, Jigga Lodge. Forget about me system. I think that's all you should play today. Oh, I love it when you do that.

What, just me doing that? Yeah. But I did that in three hours with people. People would talk about it as an interesting thing, but they wouldn't listen to it. I'd have that as my text alert, you singing that. In fact, dreams can come true. Yeah, exactly.

It's available now, isn't it? Because it's on. You could just record that bit. That's what they can do with them. They can cut and paste. Yeah. I mean, I couldn't, but they can. I wouldn't know, isn't it? Because it's on. You could just record that bit. That's what they can do with them. They can cut and paste. Yeah. I mean, I couldn't, but they can. I wouldn't know how to do that.

Maybe in a scrapbook. Yeah. I've got a scrapbook. Have you? Yeah. Are you thinking, is it of the glory moments from his career? But no, it's much fatter than that. from his career, but now it's much fatter than that.

It's things I like from the Roman Catholic journal, the tablet. Is it? So when I read the tablet, invariably on the toilet for some reason. It's all right. I just like the alliteration of tablet and toilet. I have a red biro at the side of the toilet,

and if anything good I put... I jean it. I ring it. Yeah, well, it's not really shared. OK. But you can... Well, that's a communal toilet pen. You're right, it's a bacteria fest of some proportion. I haven't been to that one.

I think there's Isle of Wight at the moment. Yeah. Would people go Oh, I haven't been to that one. I think it was Isle of Wight at the moment. Yeah. Would people go to Bacteria? I suppose. Main stage, Bacteria Fest. If it was shot from above, all festivals look like Bacteria. You can imagine.

And quite rightly in lots of occasions. Sorry, Frank. Meanwhile, back in the toilet. So anyway, so that's why I've got, I don't know how I got onto my best bits from the tablet scrapbook, but that's what I've got. Frank, we've got a whatever happened to, if you'd be interested.

Ross Humphries, hey guys, whatever happened to the tea cosy? Yes, I like that. I haven't seen one of those for a long time. A knitted one? They're always knitted well we had a quilted one which was not t it wasn't um teapot shaped it was like a big it is another thing whatever happened hold on a minute whatever happened the term oblong rectangles completely wiped the floor with oblong oblong has been uh yeah oblong. Yeah. Rectangles completely wipe the floor with oblong.

Oblong has been oblong obscure. Yeah. But anyway, we had an oblong quilted thing that you pulled over the whole teapot, and it was quite a thing. And of course, you know, we put it on our heads and joke around. Yeah. Like, you know when you get Savoy and chips with your mates

from the chip shop when you're about 15? Savoy's cold by the time you finally get around to eating it. Oh, honestly. What's happened to society? Do you know I've never had a Savoy? Never had a Savoy? Never had one. Is it nice?

That would have been... You know that programme I've never seen Star Wars? Yeah, yeah. It would be better if it had been called I've Never Had a Savaloi? Never had a Savaloi? Never had one. Is it nice? That would have been... You know that programme I've never seen, Star Wars? Yeah, yeah. It would be better if it had been called Never Had a Savaloi. It would have been fun. Then people would have thought it was sort of a naked attraction type set-up.

Yeah, yeah. Aye. I think they're all right. Are they? Okay, Frank can get a bat at Savaloi. Okay, should I try that one? Might have one tonight. I really think you should.

Okay, shall I come back next week and tell you what I think? You have to do a series of mimes with it, of course. That's the tradition. Before you eat it. Where would you get a battered Savoy from? Do you know that there's a chip shop near you? Do you even know that? No.

I'll track one down. I've got people. You Google it. Yeah, I'll Google it. There'll be one on... You could ask Siri. Oh, yeah, I suppose so. Shall we ask Siri for a battered...

If we're up and get a battered Savaloy. Let's try... Time-travelling Siri. How do you make Siri come up, Siri? Silly. We had... Siri. We had another...

How do you get him up, Siri? Come on! We had another whatever happened to you while you were doing that. Oh, yeah, go on. Where was it, Al? Here we go. Morning Frank and the gang. Whatever Happened To, people keeping tissues up their sleeves. That's Henners from Gravesend, one of our regulars.

Yeah that was. In a sort of a cardigan. A ladies cardigan. You've got it in one. I have a theory about that. Come on, get Siri up Daisy. You're the producer. You're supposed to be running a major radio show. You can't get Siri up. It was a sort of it was a very

maths teacher vibe, the tissue. I think there's a whole generation of people now who were children who found adults having tissues up their sleeves so disgusting that it's gone. It's gone. I was certainly one of them that thought,

oh, that's horrible, keeping a snotty tissue up your sleeve. I think use it a couple of times. You can do it with a T-shirt. Just stock to your forearm. I can't believe that we can't get Siri up. I bet we can. We can. I've just been given the face to move on.

Put a song on and we'll work out Siri. Hoping I'll forget about Siri. Yeah, but the moment's gone now. That's it with comedy. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, here's Siri. Siri, can you tell me where I could get a battered Savaloi? One possibility is Metal Alloys, South Wales Limited on Wimbledon Hill Road. Does that one sound good? No, I'm after a battered Savaloi. The second is our BL Battersea and South Wandsworth Club limited on Lavender Hill, about three miles to your south.

Want to try that one? To yourself? What about an ordinary Savalloy without batter? He's at the North Pole. I can see his house from the cloud. That's too far, Siri. I think Siri now has just taken the mickey. I don't like Siri's sarcasm there.

No, I think he's... Just because you want a sausage. Exactly. Now he's just being Siri. Yeah. He's throwing shade. I think he thinks I'm joking. It's a perfectly reasonable question.

Where can you go about it? God knows, I've asked it enough in the past. Yeah. We've had an email last night when I look through the old emails it's my Friday night trawl for fish gold email fish gold

or goldfish would have been up could have compounded it here's an email just started watching the old James Stewart classic Shenandoah. Is that how you say that? Shenandoah? Oh, Shenandoah, I love your daughter. You know him.

I know the song. I don't like the sound of that song. Somewhat surprised to see that the music was written by no less than Frank Skinner. Oh, yes. Kept that quiet, didn't he? Shut up. He wrote a lot of film music. Did he? Yes. He wrote a lot of film music. Did he?

Yes. He wrote a lot of the horror, the horrors. I never knew this. Yeah. James Stewart. I love James Stewart. Yeah. Don't you know me, Mary?

He does all the voices. Oh, man. He does them all. Brilliant. So, yes, Frank Skinner. I remember Alice Cooper brought that up when I was interviewing her. Yeah.

You had a lovely time with Alice Cooper. Was that when you got... That was when I had Agape and suddenly fell in love with Alice Cooper. I mean, I felt real physical and spiritual attraction during mid-interview, but I didn't want to tell him. I always get it confused. I always think it's Gene Simmons.

Not Gene Simmons. No, he was an idiot. Oh, was he? Anyway. You don't want to dwell on that? No. He turned up with two women, one on each arm, and did the interview like that.

Oh, you couldn't do it now, could you? And halfway through, one of them says, well, I only met you, I only met you last night. You know what I mean? It was very sordid. Oh, dear. Yeah. So, let me tell you something.

I got, it's near in the end of term, you know, summer holidays are looming. Yeah. My six-year-old, Boz, got his school report yesterday. Oh, yeah? How was it? Oh, let me run something by you. It's all in sections of the various topics they do. So I come to

geography. Yeah. Right? And this is what it said. Boz is becoming much more adept at distinguishing left from right. I thought, that's geography. It's actually stripped down to those kind of basics. Left and right.

Yeah. Start small, build your way up. Wow. I mean, talk about a solid foundation. Not even east and west. Left and right is where they begin. And then they go on to sense of direction. Oxbow Lakes is in about 18 years. When do they do the fishing industry in Scandinavia?

Good question. That must be way over the horizon. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Me and Emily had a night out. Oh, lovely, lovely night out. On Wednesday. Mittwoch, as the Germans like to call it.

Oh, exactly. We went to... I felt like a competition winner. Did you? Yeah. It's... I always feel like that. Where did you go?

We went to the O2 Centre. Oh. Do you remember? Millennium Dome. It was more like a Pizza Express or something. Remember him? We went to the Millennium Dome to see Flight of the Conchords.

Oh, nice. Fun? Yes, I like them. I have to say... Uh-oh. No. I had no idea. This is going to be like Hamilton all over again, is it?

No, no, no, not at all. I'd say I like it. Not at all, but I think, you know, they were funny, but I had no idea that I thought they were playing 200-seater places at the Soho Theatre. They're doing three nights at the O2. Yeah, yeah, I believe they're... Frank said that quite a lot on the journey.

He was going, three nights! I believe they're what they call kind of a big deal. Yeah, but that is completely... It's like Prince. People were saying to me, like, 20 years, when I'd sobered up, people said to me, Prince was big in the, whatever it was, whenever he was big, I don't know.

I missed Prince. I must have turned two pages of my life at the same time. But Flight of the Conchords, I honestly thought would be on in a little club somewhere. Full, you know, full in a little club. Yeah. Popular. And a nice venue in Camden or something.

And a lot of the crowd were absolutely wild. Oh man, Flight of the Conchords! T-shirts for Flight of the Conchords. Hanging on their every word. T-shirts. Hanging on. Knowing the songs. One of the Flight of the Conchords wore his own merch. Yeah. Good lad. He wore that on the stage. Hanging on me. Knowing the songs. One of the flight of the concords wore his own merch.

Yeah. Good lad. He wore that on the stage. Never miss an opportunity. Can I ask you, what is the pun in the title, flight of the concords? Oh, that'd be a great texting

because I don't know it. Because the concord bit, the chord bit, is spelled as in like a musical chord. Oh. But I'm thinking there must be a thing, the flight of the something, maybe actual. Is there a thing like flight of the Concorde?

Something tells me. What is a Concorde? What was the Concorde named after? Well, you used to be an aeroplane, didn't you? I've been on it. Yeah. Of course he's been on it. I can tell you about the flight of the Concorde.

Three and a half minutes to New York. Three and a half minutes? Three and a half hours to New York. Right. Frank, they will be one of the fans. What are they called? Concordians. Oh.

What are the fans called? Well, it is a bit of a phenomenon. I mean, I knew a bit about them, but I was, similarly to Frank, I didn't, I mean, there's a lot of people. But the crowd would... There's a lot of people. A lot of people in that venue.

They'd mention someone, the crowd would go mad, and I was, like, turning around and going, what? Tell me! Tell me, come on! It was really... It was like I'd passed into a...

Have you ever seen Adam Adamant? Yes. The popular 1960s TV show with Gerald Harper as a Victorian gentleman frozen in a block of ice and then woke up in the 60s. When did you say popular? About 40, 50 years ago. No, I liked it.

Not seen it. On my to-do list, obviously. It's on everyone's. It's worth looking up on your YouTube. So it's a Victorian gentleman, he's in a block of ice and they're doing a bit of renovation work. They break the ice and he comes out.

So he's walking down the street in 1960s London saying, what are these women doing in their undergarments in a public place that's what I was like at Flight of the Concorde what on earth is going on yeah so if there's anyone who knows who can

help me out please we've had two texts in regarding the Flight of the Concorde pun mystery 927 Flight of the Condor and then 321 Flight of the Concorde sort of pun mystery. Oh, right. 9-2-7, Flight of the Condor. Mm. Oh, OK. And then 3-2-1, Flight of the Bumblebee.

It can't just be that flight. OK, don't be so cross. Can't be that, can it? Flight of the Condor sounds more feasible, wouldn't you say? But then Concorde's... That's not... If that is the pun, then... Then what? It is truly wrong that they've done so well.

If that was the... No, it must be a cleverer pond than that. It's got to be. It just proves that content counts. Fly to the content. Fly to the content. Oh, leave it there. Don't want the parish priest telling me off.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We're trying to unravel the Flight of the Conchords mystery. Not their success, their title. I know, I don't... Well, no, but also, I can see why, I mean, they were funny,

but I had no idea they were so absolutely enormous. It was the sheer scale of it that stunned you. I asked Cass, sorry. Two hit series of an American sitcom, I think. When was that? Twelve years ago.

Was a while ago. Wasn't, that? 12 years ago. It was a while ago. It wasn't, surely not 12 years ago. No way. Well, I asked my partner when I got in. She said I was Flight of the Conchords. I said, who knew? I bet you did. Who knew?

And she said, oh, well, they're very good looking. That's why we like them. And I said, oh, now we're getting there. Right. Now we're getting somewhere. I can't believe it's just that. I very much... I always sit with good-looking people.

Do modelling, that's your job. Well, hang on. Do modelling. I think they're entertaining and they're interesting. I would not describe them as good-looking. Well, I'm not... I'm just... This is Kat's theory.

But, you know, generally, there's a lot of good-looking people clogging up comedy, acting, music. Get into modelling. That's your job. I think that's one of the things that's changed in the last few years is that good-looking people have been accepted in comedy. I know. It's a disgrace.

It's not fair on the likes of him. And as I've said on this show before, how do you win an Oscar now? How do you win a BAFTA? Not in the rehearsal room, in the gym. That's how you win it. Is that what you've said on this show? In the gym.

You've said that on this show before. Yes. Like a crazy man. Has he said that? Is it one of my weeks off? Do you want to know about the flight of the Concorde? Yes. Have they got their name?

I'd want to know what on earth has gone on behind my back's off. Do you want to know about the flight of the Concorde? Yes. They've got their name. I'd want to know what on earth has gone on behind my back. Okay. The Concorde is a brand of toilet. Oh. That's where the Concorde part comes from. Yeah. And I'm getting this in sort of vague hits, to be honest. I'm not sure that's true.

So, gee, hold your high horses. Hive from NZ, the name is a slight pun, cords on the make of Toilet, Concord, in their Wellington flat. There also seems to be a suggestion that they knew

four chords. Is that some sort of a pun? On the afternoon of a gig, they realised they needed a band name.

One of them, Jermaine, went to the toilet and it was called The Concord and he said, what about Flight of the Concords?

I don't quite, I still don't feel we've got a proper answer to this. Maybe there isn't one, maybe they haven't got that. Maybe it was just like that, it was just that random. You can't just call it Battered Savalloy, there's got to be a story. I'd buy Battered Savalloy. There's such things as Battered Savalloy

apparently, according to Siri. In the Antarctic, is it? No, no, but that was, he responded as if I was asking him a prank question. But trying to get a battered Savoy is not, that's not a prank. I can imagine a situation where I really

want a battered Savoy. Or that feeling when you crunch your way through the batter and then you hit meat. Come on. Well, that feeling when you crunch your way through the batter and then you hit meat. Mm. Oh, come on. Sorry if there's any vegetarians listening. I respect that. It's like George Frank redemption.

Is it? Yes, it is, yes. You go through Rita Hayworth. Yeah. And you're out. Yeah. Basically. That's what Rock Hudson told me

Skinner Dean and Cochran together the Frank Skinner show turns out Brett now

from the Flight of the Conchords Oscar Oscar winning you got an Oscar these guys full respect,

they are absolutely world-dominatingly massive. And I never noticed. He wrote a song, we should say, this is from Minnie, her name is, for the Muppet movie, which was actually directed by your old runner. Halfway up the stairs is the stair where I sit. And we've got him here as a guest.

There isn't any other stair quite like it. It's not bad. We haven't had guests for a while, have we? Not bad. I know. Miss Piggy's coming on as a guest. Frank loves it when Miss Piggy comes on shows as guests, don't you?

To be fair, you love it. Can I be, technically, I actually did it as Kermit, and it was actually Kermit's nephew, Robin, that I did it with. Half up the stairs. Who wasn't quite so, didn't do that

so much, but could I be bothered to do Robin? No one remembers what he sounds like anyway. And of course he, sadly, Robin, dead at the age of 20 from an overdose. Is that right?

Not the voice, the puppy. Eh? I just thought, you know, child stars. I'm guessing. I'm just guessing.

So, strangely, we sat in the box, which I haven't sat in a box before at the O2. You haven't? No, it's my first. Loser. I'm normally in the dressing room.

But it was some. No, I loved it. I loved it in that box. I was very appreciative. Catering? No way. Not just any catering. Canapes

we had mini pint glasses when I say mini not half I'd say quarter Frank maybe even smaller with a prawn cocktail in them

I never had the prawn cocktail oh I would have liked that it was my regime doesn't it I thought also it's a 70s thing how long have they been here been here since

it was the millennium though a few years, yeah. We made them for the exhibition on mankind. Yeah. Oh, you couldn't call it that now, could you? So, although I had a roll-mop herring, though. Roll-mop herring at the O2. The Frank's Gainer story.

You rejected a prawn cocktail. He did for the herring. He was like Ibsen in the corner. I love a roll-mop herring. I do, but they talk back to me, as my mum would say. Do they? Also, Frank doesn't.

You should take the wooden stake out. Frank doesn't, as you know, he's not a fan of cutlery. Right. So I thought, oh, he's going to put that in his, he's going to pop that in with the fingers. Yeah. Did you use the fingers for the herring?

He was going to get his knife and fork with a roll mop herring. Okay. What you talking about, Willis? Just a... That's what they... As a man who did a project on the fishing industry in Scandinavia, you don't have to tell me how to eat a roll mop herring.

There was no onions on it, did you notice that? What? Was there? It was just a bit of herring. It was a roll pickled herring. It was still lovely, but I like a bit of intertwined onion. And a pickle in there or something. Oh, no, I don't like pickles.

There's meant to be a bit of gherkin in the middle of the onion, isn't there? What are you talking about, Willis? There is. What are you talking about, Willis? Sure, I've got this right. I'm like to think now he's really growing up, that guy. Gee, what are you talking about, Willis? Actually, was it Gary Coleman?

Oh, he didn't. No, I think he's no longer with us. I don't think any of them are any longer with us. The other guy isn't either. I believe he's no longer with us either. God, I wouldn't have even brought it up. So, there we go. That's the end of that link. Who did they... We shouldn't go into it. But I'll maybe tell

you off-air. Okay. Did they have different strokes? We'll talk off-air. Oh dear. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215,

follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Frank, I don't know if you're into football at all but there's been Subliminal messages. Is that your tummy?

There's been some quite unexpected World Cup beef, which I've been loving. They're calling it the Sharma drama. I like that. Yeah? It was Alan Shearer v. Simon Sharma. Oh, right.

Were either of you aware of this in the week? I've had a Shawarma drama after a kebab, but not a Sharma drama. I'm aware of this. We're discussing the Shearer era. Oh, lovely. Very good. This whole thing's rhyming.

So Simon Sharma, the TV historian. Yes. Yes. Who I was recently, if you remember celebrating on the show, for having very bad teeth. Oh, God. I'm sure you'll be thrilled to hear that.

After time on television. Ironically, because Mary Beard was on the week after and she also has bad teeth and I think it's great that historians are sort of showing us the history of teeth and dental hygiene whilst telling us about other stuff who says historians

can't multitask who does so yes he's got a sort of PhD teeth hasn't he Who says historians can't multitask? Who does? So, yes. Yeah, he's got a sort of PhD teeth, hasn't he? Yeah. He looks like a bloke who's never seen anyone else speak. So he's come up with his own uninhibited and original method. So if we go to the civilization,

you think, oh, this is a bloke who's experimenting a bit with language. You think he was raised by wolves or something. Well, yeah, he might have been. You're right, there is something. He was locked in a cupboard with a lot of history books and then released. Oh, I've been... There's been no-one around, so we don't do it quite like that. No.

Sounds a bit funny when you do that. You can't tell him now, because he's, you know, he's doing so well. He's too late now. He's so entrenched now, that way of speaking, I think. Yeah. Well, so we should also... He's been in a Twitter spat.

Well, we should also point out, Al, that he is now a knight of the realm. Is he? As of this year. Simon Sharma? Sir Sharma, yeah. I didn't know that. Sir Simon Sharma. Sir Sharma, yeah. I didn't know that. Sir Simon Sharma.

Sir Simon Sharma. Has he got enough alliteration in his name? Sir Simon Sharma. Yeah. He needs a qualification with an S in there just at the end. Yeah. Um, yes. So I didn't know that. That passed me by.

Yeah. I think it was this year's. Services to orthodontal history. Very good. That passed me by. Yeah. I think it was this year's. Services to Orthodontal History. Very good. That's what he got it for. So anyway, people who don't know this story are thinking, what's he got to do with the World Cup? Stick around!

He was watching the England-Tunisia game. Again, can I just stop you there? What has happened to this world that people like Simon Sharma are watching the England- and this year go? You know, when I was watching football as a kid, they used to call it the working class theatre. Walked to the ground, it smelled of bovril and woodbines. And no one, even in the borderline of Posh, even knew anything about it. I know. And now Simon Sharma is watching England 2 and this year.

Is it a good thing or a bad thing? 8.12.15. Next it'll be these North Londoners. So, he decided to say on Twitter, he said this, Simon Sharma, at Alan Shearer and everyone going on about how England should just enjoy the football

and play loose. I mean, I like for a start that he says, and everyone going on about, because that doesn't sound very Charmian. Anyway, he then says, massively underestimates the inevitable stomach-knotting, teeth-gritting, nervy wrench of the first game. How many characters do they get?

280. Has it gone up? It's recently gone up, hasn't it? Well, he's failed his boots. He couldn't... He was trying... I bet he was one of them waiting... It's like the January sales. He was waiting at the door of Twitter

when the number of characters went up. Yeah, so he's suggesting that Alan Shearer, for example, doesn't know what it feels like to play in a World Cup game. He has got an air of, you don't know, because you weren't there in his message, hasn't he? Yeah, Alan Shearer. No, in that Simon Sharma, like massively underestimating it.

But Shearer sat him down, hasn't he, with his comeback. Described in the newspaper as ultimate put down. I've been looking out for that. Yeah, me too. Me too. It's going to be useful on comedy nights for the hecklers. Shearer said, you do know I have played in these games, right?

Oh, sick burn. You see, one he's done is two wrongs, doubt make a right. Now he's telling Sharma about history. I mean, I like that Charma's combat was don't talk to me about pressure you should try

doing a 45 second piece to camera about Margaret of Anjou he didn't actually say that but I wish he had I wish he had

come on Simon if you need a writer we'll start with intonation. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We are discussing the Shira Sharma spat. Yeah. Sir Sharma.

I love that. Oh, yes, Sir. Sir Simon Sharma Shira spat. Only Sade had gone involved. I don't know if you watched the game, but it was a good comeback with a big hit on there that I'd have enjoyed. I wish Sharma had...

It's hard to talk about him, isn't it? I wish he'd used your comeback, Frank, which I often use, which is very simple, but powerful and effective, which I believe was um get a life do you remember when you said that to the man on the beach yeah it's not one of my proudest moments um i have to say to be to be fair to uh sir simon sharma um is um i i met a bit of a fool of myself um with the england game because oh no when I watched the pundits talking about it after,

I realised, I don't know how I did this, I accidentally watched a completely different game from the one they did. Oh, yeah? Because in the one I watched, England were really dull. They had one reasonable period of pressure when they missed three sitters. And then they scratched together a victory in a last minute

goal and it was quite I felt quite down about it after even though we'd won but luckily for them they'd seen a game where England were absolutely brilliant and dominated the game Best team at the Championship I don't know what I did there, it must have been

I must have pressed the red button Yeah Did you press the red button, though. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's really frustrating. Did you press the red button for underwhelming matches? I must have done. No, I'm assuming, and can I say, on one level, I approve of this. I think they were sort of lying for England.

Yes. Which is quite... We've all done it, dear. Well, I mean, you know, it's been a while. D.C. HQ. We've all done it, dear. Well, I mean, you know, it's been a while. DCHQ. That's all they do. That's what I say. But yeah, it was very, it was a bit Trump-esque. I thought it was nice.

Oh, I see, yeah. I honestly thought it was fake news. And I think people probably watched it and thought, oh, maybe they were good there. And it's given a new positive feeling to the nation, so well done them. Fake news! I think people are positive, though.

People seem positive about it. You know, you talk about Gary Barlow's... I like how you've gone a bit Alan Hansen when you talk about Gary Barlow. You know, you often mention Gary Barlow's career trajectory and him rising from the ashes and all that stuff. Which is amazing. Surely in the same seat we've got a...

Family crest is... We've got a pop Garrett Southgate into the same seat. A man who really tasted the lows, didn't he? I suppose that is true, but he didn't... He wasn't down there for as long as Gary. No, he did a funny advert straight away, didn't he? He did, yeah. He was back in business. He came straight out, that's the best thing.

Yeah. Because my main thing about Gary Barlow is if I'd have been called that, I would have become a professional limbo dancer. Gary Barlow. Oh, Barlow. It took me a little while before I got there. Yeah, there you go. I thought it was a rhyme at first. Do you like it? Barlow oh it took me a little while

before I got there there you go I thought it was a rhyme at first Barlow Lindbergh I quite like him so Boz is still going on about Harry Kane

he's completely stopped with that as a nickname whilst they've picked up on it now I got a tweet about it this week I think they've been copying him

my son mooted that he believes that Harry Kane has no sense of smell this week because he's very much a mouth breather. He is a mouth breather but we don't mention that. He's a big England star. Alright.

Is that my broken rule? Apparently before the game he did Henry V's speech about once more into the breach dear friends once more. There was people in tears. They said Raheem Sterling was in tears so you know

if he'd have done that Frank I would have loved it I would have loved to beat them yeah so I'll tell you what what I liked about I'd been telling Boz

all about the Lionel Messi rivalry with Chris. Yeah, with Chris, of course. Yeah, Chris Ronaldo. And he was saying, well, who's the best? And I said, well, nobody can really decide. I said, who do you think's the best? I think we know now.

He said, well, I think it could be Messi. I said, why do you think that? He said, well, I've got him on a sticker. I said, well, we can't decide like that. You're going to watch them both play in quick succession. We can decide. So he watched Ronaldo in the three-each game when he scored at Tric.

And then he watched Messi. And he said, I don't know what... I don't know what people are arguing about. Clearly. And I thought, it's hard to argue with this. Well, especially at the moment. He rates Chris then. Oh, he loves Chris.

I'm so glad he's a Chris fan. He loves Chris. Did you drop the dictum on him that footballers are only as good as their last game? Did you say that? No, I didn't. I don't hit him with that kind of bitterness. He's early.

Because I was on about, we watched the opening ceremony and he didn't know, you know the other Ronaldo, as he's now known, the one who was Brazil's, he was at the opening ceremony looking a bit overweight and bemused. And it's like, I'd like to do a comedy sketch show called The Two Ronaldos. It's goodnight from me and it's goodnight from Slim. In which they talk about the difference between being now and being then.

Yeah. I'm going to see if anyone, although I must say if Cristiano Ronaldo came into my shop for four candles. I'd be anxious. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, you were talking about Chris earlier, Frank. Yeah. Chris Ronaldo. Chris Ronaldo.

Yeah. What do you think of Chris's facial hair? Because there's been a lot of controversy over the goatee and the reasons for growing it, we should explain. Well, I've got to say, I didn't actually notice it when I watched him. He's got, and this is true of a lot of sportsmen. You didn't notice it? What is wrong with you people? They've got very overdeveloped necks, a lot of sportsmen. So he's got, There isn't much different.

And if you look at my... Just look at my head now. Trust me at home. You can see my head comes down, then it goes in a bit, and then there's my neck. Very elegant, I would say. But with these guys, it doesn't go in a bit. He's taking more of a sort of a ram-man approach, isn't he? He looks like a face has been drawn on a tree.

So it just goes straight down. The chin definition is slightly lost in the neck. So I thought that the goatee, when I saw the pictures of it, it looked like if a red arrow, a single red arrow, had parked on a runway designed for large passenger airlines. I don't know, let me have a think. Oh, yeah, I've got it. It was that one little... Yeah.

Just that one little V shape in the middle. It was more of a gesture towards facial hair. Oh, is it? Well, he stroked his goatee after his hat trick, didn't he? Did he? Yeah. He made a point of stroking it, so the suggestion was

that he was throwing shade at Messi because Messi has posed with a goat before oh like he's the greatest of all time what? greatest of all time is what he calls himself, goat so the idea

is that Chris I didn't know that Chris... He's got his own acronym a lot. I didn't know that. Chris has come up with a very sophisticated piece of shade thrown. Yeah. So he's got a goatee. Yeah, and that's why he stroked it to say, I am the goat. Do you see?

So I never even heard the phrase goat before. I think it's popular on the internet. Oh. Amongst people discussing boxing or fighting or football or whatever. Oh, I hate the internet. Good, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's easy to get like that. It won't take off, so it's fine, Frank.

It has helped a lot, but it's definitely harming in places, isn't it? Oh, is it? Is it ever? Anyway, so that was the theory, is that Chris was being a little bit mischievous. Well, that's clever, the goat, though. Mischievous Chris. It is. And of course, when they asked him, he said,

oh, no, I was in the sauna. I said, if I score tomorrow, I'll keep my beer. No, he said he was having a shave in the sauna. Yeah, he was having a shave in the sauna. People do that? I think people do, but they're rugs. I have never seen... Also, I mean, shaving would be very...

He could shave with a shaver that was six inches across because of the face on a tree thing. I'll tell you what he looks like. His face is like a thumbnail. Yeah. With the neck going right up the thing. What he's done is created his own cuticle with the goatee.

But he shaves in the sauna. Shira and Sharma shave in the sauna. Come on with our own tongue twister. So it's a lucky beard. It's a lucky beard. And it's, what would be the... It is a lucky beard. I don't believe it.

I think he was having a go. There must be a term for that. He's had his way now, hasn't he? What, for the... He's a lucky beard. I don't believe it. I think he was having a go. There must be a term for that. He's had his way now, hasn't he? What, for the lucky beard? No, there must be a term for having a go at someone and saying you're better in internet terminology. Anyone? Come on, young people.

What, troll? Throw shade? Throw in shade. Throw in shade is what you say. Young, Sarah, you're young. Tell us. Tell us. Throw in shade.

Tell me. Sorry, I struggle a bit talking to younger people, have you noticed? Yeah. Well, I love the goat thing. Do you? I didn't know about that. Yeah.

We're learning. Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to go on about it, but I don't want to milk it. Oh, lovely. But didn't there used to be a player called Nanny? I mean I'm not going to go on it but I don't want to milk it Oh lovely But Didn't there used to be a player called Nanny Or have I made that up

Yeah Andrea Waterhouse has been in touch Portuguese and who Valentine Waterhouse That's got to be a firm of solicitors Andrea has been in touch Oh Andrea Valentino Rossi

are you familiar with his work the Mr. Moto GP he's the motorbike guy isn't he yeah he is he's been known by the goat acronym

for some time oh he was the original goat yeah he was the original goat I think you're kidding yeah greatest of all time yeah

in your own way you're a goat Frank yeah see if I was in your own way we all are if I was in the America. See, if I was... You're an old goat. In your own way, we all are. If I was in the America's Cop, I'd want to be known as the best of all time.

Oh, lovely. Good. Lovely. I wonder if they do it. I wonder if it's in the sailing community. Yeah. Best loved of all time in the obesity clinic. In the weight gain, yeah.

Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've discussed

nominative determinism on the show several times, haven't we? For uninitiated

people, that's when your name becomes something that you're then kind of known for is that about right? the idea that if you get

your name might make you think of pursuing a certain career so I think someone suggested that Parker from Thunderbirds the reason he became a chauffeur is because he would be parking things, obviously he's in some respects a a fictional character.

In some. And plastic. But one of my favourites... Gary Player, the golfer, was... And he became a player. One of my favourites was somebody sent in... David Beckham grew up in an area called Whip's Cross. Oh, yeah.

And he became known for a whipped-in cross of the ball. Well, that's a good the ball which I thought was excellent but have we ever found out? I know a couple of people who were born in whips cross who I see in the SNL gathering. Similarly have we ever found out

how tidy the bedroom when at international tournaments of Lionel Messi is? I need to know. What has he tournaments of Lionel Messi is. I need to know. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What, has he not called Lionel? Lionel.

They call him Lionel, but it is Lionel. You know what? I'm going to go Lionel. I'm going to go Lionel. But again, with Chris Ronaldo, you never heard him. No one ever calls him Lionel. Lionel's having a good game tonight. But as of now.

Because he is a Lionel. Well, I think. That's it now. I'm calling him Lionel. I wonder if his tonight. But as of now... I think he is a Lionel. Well, I think... And I wonder if his bedroom's tidy or untidy. I haven't seen him in these two games. Lionel Missy. Oh! That's what I got. And I haven't seen him walk off Lionel Stressy.

Do you know what? What if Chris is listening to this? Oh, I love Frank Skinner. Chris, I think... Does he speak English, Chris? He must do. Yeah, he does. He lived in Manchester for a fair while, didn't he?ner. Chris Harpick, I think. Does he speak English, Chris? He must do. Yeah, he does. He lived in Manchester for a fair while, didn't he?

Yeah, but, you know, did he really join in? He probably did. I think he did. He loved the gaffer. Yeah, I don't think he listens to this. I imagine he's having his beauty sleep. Okay, well, yeah. He's probably in the shower having a wax.

If he shaves in the sauna, I'm guessing he's one for combining these things. Any sort of exfoliation he'll do. I've heard he's immaculate. Yeah, you could eat your dinner off him. Thanks. You're not funny, thank you. No, you're all right.

His abdomen. Got any of those plaits? His abdomen would be like one of those frying pans that Tom Daley had. You know, there's like different... Master pan! That's a great idea. You could eat a full English off Ronaldo's six-pack. You could put the sausages in the slot so they didn't slide about.

I don't want to eat beef tomatoes. And that hollow just under the ribcage, you can put eggs in there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's grand. I bet someone has done that. Belly button for sauce for dipping.

Yeah. He seems a clean freak. No, I think, I bet you there's at least seven people. He wouldn't want oil from a fry-up on his tummy. Yeah, I think it'd taste of aftershave. I bet there'd be aftershave even on his belly. Look, if think it would taste of aftershave. I bet there would be aftershave even on his belly. Look, if you were offered

by Chris to be able to eat breakfast off his belly, you would go for it and so would I. We'd both know that. I wouldn't think twice about it. It looks a bit like a waffle,

his stomach. I mean, you know, it's perfect. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live

every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio Across the UK on digital radio mobile apps and in London and the South East

on 105.8 FM Absolute Radio There's actually been a significant injury story in the England squad this week. Not a player, Gareth Southgate's shoulder got thrown out whilst running, was it? Yeah.

He was running a 10k run or something. Apparently he runs a lot. He runs a lot. He's got to get into that buttoned waistcoat. Is that or a girdle? He's on the waistcoat diet. I feel he should come out into the stadium with an announcement that says,

former UK coral champion. It really has got that lovely snooker effect. He wears it well. I mean, I'm not surprised he injured himself, though. I mean, he jumps high, doesn't he? Oh, right. You think he was running and jumping? He was just practising. He did say when I... not surprised he injured himself, though. I mean, he jumps high, doesn't he? Oh, right. You think he was running and jumping?

He was just practising. He did say when I... You think he trains for his touchline celebrations? I really believe that. That would be funny. I really believe that. It was very choreographed, that one. It was what?

Jamiroquai? Very choreographed. Oh, sorry. Jamiroquai was involved. Fell over his hat. I remember the old buffalo horn hat. I do remember it. Buffalo horn hat.

That was one of the best, they used to open with that. Yeah, it was a good one. It used to come on on like a,

it looked like a dessert trolley. They would wheel the hat on separately with a little spotlight on it. Buffalo horn hat. Was that when they

were wheeling him on as well and then joining them like two magnets? It turned out Jamiroquai's hat was goat horns because he believed he was the greatest of all time.

Who knew that? So he landed on his elbow. So he fell over and landed on his elbow. He told the medics he'd landed on his behind. Oh. Let's see what you've done there. As soon as I read about the dislocated shoulder my first thought was do they still do...

When I was a kid and I went to football, if a player dislocated their shoulder, the trainer would sort of twist their arm round to get it back into the... It was a horrible thing to watch. Yeah. I was agonising. Is that still acceptable treatment?

Madonna does that, I think. You see her backstage, footage of her backstage, sometimes with her neck and things, if she's got neck pain, they just move it into place. And the Mel Gibson character in Lethal Weapon, who could dislocate his own shoulder, which helped him get out of a straitjacket. That's what Houdini used to do.

Indeed. Dislocate both shoulders. So the examples so far are Houdini and the character in the movie. And Madonna. And Madonna, that's true. And Gareth Southgate. It's a weird Venn diagram that we're drawing, but we've done it. What he could do is not have the sling,

just get the medics to just ease his thumb into the waistcoat pocket. And he could do the whole match like Jimmy Tarbuck. Yes. A great idea. Why haven't they thought of that? I want him to keep the sling, though, because... I think it's already gone. The next day it's gone.

I reckon somebody did push it back in. It just adds to the whole low-budget Brit film of England winning at the end. Well, it would be great if we won and the manager is in a... I did my backing once and they gave me a walking stick at the hospital and I loved it.

Sexy. Did you? I loved it. I was teaching at the College of FA at the time and I felt like the old ballet master. Yeah, I can see that. He'd been a great dancer in his time but just hobbling around.

He'd be somewhat fabulous about it if he'd kept the sling. Yeah, he should have. They said that the doctors said that there'll be no more punch in the air in the foreseeable future. I thought that's a bit pessimistic. Might have been reading the team sheet. You've got to keep those conversations to yourself. The BBC pundits are lying their heads off here

to try and keep spirits up. You're giving the game away. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That was the Simon Sharma version of the detail. That's really weird. You were doing funny voices and Emily had a sneezing fit there. She's allergic to Sharma. of the detail. That's really weird. You were doing funny voices and Emily had a sneezing fit there. I don't know if she noticed that.

She's allergic to Sharma. Imagine if I had a Sharma allergy. Good title for a Scandi, Scandi Noir novel. I'm presuming there's a place in Norway called Sharma. I mean, I think you could say, would you think you'd get on better with Sharma or Shearer?

Who do you think you'd get on better with? I mean, presumably you've met Shearer. I've met Shearer and he's very friendly. He seems a nice chap. I said to him, I thought you'd be more frightening. How did that go down? He said, yeah, a lot of people see that. I said to him

Alan what is the question that you're asked more than any other question and I thought this is a bloke who's done it all and he said he said it's do you wish you'd joined Manchester United I fancy asking him that

anyway did he say Frank put the ball away my only contact with Sharma join Manchester United. Oh, really? I fancy asking him that. Anyway. Did he say Frank put the ball away? My only contact with Sharma, you might remember this, I was at the hotel. Have you had beef with Sharma? I was at the Hotel de Vannes in Cheltenham during the Cheltenham Literature Festival

and there was one of those external smoking rooms. Was Sharma in there? Like a smoking shack. Smoking Shar. Oh, yeah. There's some in there. And like a smoking shack. Smoking Shama shack. I don't think you can get those from McDonald's at the moment. I think so, yeah. And, uh... Sounds like the kind of restaurant they'd have in Wisconsin on the motorway.

So I went into the smoke shack and there stood Shama in full evening suit. Yeah. Cigar? With a big cigar. Yeah. That's so charmer. Can we get that commissioned, that show? That's so charmer.

Splains the teeth. Oh, yeah. Suppose so. Did any of you see that throwing? The attempt at an acrobatic throwing that went awry? Oh, embarrassing. He went, he ran.

Yeah. For those of you that haven't seen it, he tried to flip on the ball and do kind of like a front flip almost. Well, I've seen that throwing done before. Have you? The somersault throwing. And it looked cool. But what a time to do it.

You don't see it very often that throw in and so it is unestablished enough for you to come up with the development early. And what he's done he did a dummy one

so he did the somersault and then instead of the big throw Can you please do this in the correct tense which is the football So he's looked up he's looked up

he's running he's done the somersault and he's stopped and he's done up. He's looked up. He's running. He's done the somersault. And he's stopped. And he's done the short throw. But I think there wasn't enough people thinking, here comes the big throw for the short throw to work. I mean, it's not the time to be doing it.

But I mean, you know, he did it. He looked like he could do it. As they say in the cricket commentary, I think he got good levers. Oh, some of the... Yeah, good levers, but... He choked, though, didn't he? Yeah. Did he lose his bottle?

To be fair... We're doing all the clichés. On the subject of losing his bottle, it turns out he's actually a compulsive gambler. A gambler. Oh, lovely. Very good. Love it. Can't help it, he's got a compulsive gambler. A gambler. Oh, lovely. Very good. Love it.

Can't help it, he's got a real problem with the gambling. He does the online gambling, which is very... I hope he does it responsibly. I hope he does it responsibly. I think the way they put that line saying, always bet responsibly, I think that really does help, I'm sure. Yeah, when the fun stops, stop. Yeah, I'm sure if you were going to run up bills,

you would stop at that point. When the fun stops, stops is obviously not written by someone who's part of a long-running TV series. Anyway, yes, I... You know when I said Oblong has been completely overtaken by rectangle, don't you think forward roll has completely bullied Gamble? Yes. Out of...

What's happened to all these lovely old words with O, Bs and Ls in them? Do you know, I think Gamble passed me by. The old ways, they're all dying out. Anyway, God bless him for his actions. It's embarrassing. He'll be on the Iranian Strictly Come Dancing doing a dance that includes...

He's so... Actually, there might not be an Iranian Strictly... Or maybe a pizza advert to... There's probably an Iranian show called Strictly No Dancing. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Gamble is exclusively a Brummie term. This is from Matt Cutler. It's like saying island instead of roundabout. Now, I don't necessarily agree with you on island. However, Gamble, I've never used it. Daisy, our producer, hasn't. Well, then what were you laughing at, you guys? You patronise it, aren't you?

You use it. Yeah, it's in children's books as well, isn't it? Yeah, I think of Gamble-ing as sort of just general merriment and rolling around, not specifically the forward roll. No. Or somersault. Sort of like lolloping or springing. Somersault's been replaced, hasn't it, by forward roll?

No, I think somersault's alive and well, isn't it? Is it? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I'm happy to hear contradictory news from our listenership, 8, 12, 15. We haven't heard much from our listeners at all today. My favourite was... I suppose it's Sonny.

I liked it when Frank has a go at you for laughing. Why were you laughing then? He does that quite often. What about when you went to dinner and he said that? He had a go at everyone. What happened, Frank? Because they laughed at the joke. I said the name of some character from the...

And I got the name wrong. Yeah, and they laughed. I suppose they just assumed it'd be funny because I'd said it. Yeah. But I then realised I'd got the wrong name and said, hold on a minute. Why did you laugh then?

Oh. Very awkward. Very awkward, but I got through it. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway. It's all gone silent. I thought you were saying something.

This is why I love to you guys to bring something up. I know, I'm sorry. We had a tweet this week bringing something to your attention that I feel like is worthy. It was from at77pnk. Oh, I remember him. Yeah, or her. Frank, another sign, they say.

Hashtag Lucifer's agent. And it's a reference to Catherine Jenkins. And what's being called in the newspapers as Toegate. Yeah. Apparently Catherine Jenkins, years ago, was split up with by the handsome presenter and actor. Oh, yes. Gethin Jones.

Is he a presenter and actor? Have I got that right? I'm not aware of his work. I'd go more presenter. I think he's ex-Blue Peter, actually. Oh, is he? Right. Well, apparently he split up with her and he's got exacting standards in a partner's

beauty and one of the things that he cannot tolerate is a longer second toe than big toe. If that makes any sense. Yes. I mean, this would, I think, make the term big toe redundant if it's shorter than the second toe.

Well, it's called a Morton's toe. I think that would be all right. It's called Morton's toe, Frank. But you can still have a big toe, because it's a big toe, it's not called the biggest toe. Right. So it's still a big toe, which is what happens to be one that's bigger. Yeah, my head hurts. No,. So it's still a big toe, which is what happens to be one that's bigger. Yeah.

My head hurts. No, I think it's labelling. No, that's called a Greek toe. What? Yeah. This is all Greek to me. No, because David, the Michelangelo sculptor,

that has a longer second toe. Right. That is called the Greek toe. You, I imagine, probably have the Egyptian. I have the Roman. I think you probably have the Egyptian. I have the Roman. I think you probably have the Roman. I have the Brazilian.

Yeah, he's got his middle toe shaved. Exactly. I imagine that the thing is with Katherine Jenkins, because she is, as we know, Lucifer's representative on Earth. Yeah. The reason that the toe is longer next to the big toe is it's still keeping the tapering shape of her original cloven hoof.

All she did, she just did a bit of separation. She didn't rearrange the whole damn thing on that. It seems, I mean, in the, you know, we live in 2018 now. Yes. Isn't it? What? Sorry to bring this up.

Late review. That's what we call on this show, a time check. Frank Skinner's time check. That's the closest I've ever got to giving a time check. We live in 2018 now. But, you know, you've got to be careful what you say. I think it's fair to say in 2018. And it's not going to be bad for him to say that he dumped someone

for having the toe next door to the big toe being a bit longer. I think it would be were he to have admitted it. Thankfully, he's got a sister that's blurted it out for him. Oh, his sister's blurted it out. Oh, wow. Although, also, because it's a sign of beauty, I believe. Is it really? Yeah. Well, in ancient Greece it was, yeah.

So, you know, it's kind of all right, isn't it? It's not because it's not seen as... Right. How do you feel about the toe next to the little toe being littler than the little toe? Oh, I don't like... That's absolutely strange. That's one of my deal breakers. I don't know if I've ever seen that. next to the little toe being littler than the little toe. Oh, I don't like that. That's absolutely strange. That's one of my deal breakers.

I don't know if I've ever seen that. No, I don't. I mean, you're moving... We just made it up. You're moving towards castellation. Well, I've got... Like what you get on the top of a castle, Torrick. I've got a parrot claw instead of a final toe.

As I call it, final toe. Yeah. What's a parrot claw? The outer toe. Yeah, the outer toe is a bit of a parrot claw, mine, I'm afraid. Is it? Where does that come from? It's probably shoes, though, over the years.

I'll show you later, see what you think. Fern Britain has got... We're going to end up putting our feet on Instagram. Is that what's going to happen here? Fern Britain has got, like, five parrot toe things on each foot. Has she? Yeah, I read an article about it. Britain's got talons.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. By the way, BTW. Yeah, lovely phone. We've had, interesting, we've had some freebies in today. We got some free tea. Nice. From Emma Fitzgerald. Okay.

And, which is very nice, and it's tea that's got names like Warrior. Yeah, I've had that. Oh, that's very you, Warrior. Yeah, we've had that. Oh, that's very you, Warrior. Yeah, we gave Al Warrior. Yeah. And what was the other one you went for? I think I had Lotus. Was it Lotus as well?

Yeah, so I think... Although I can't do Lotus. You know Al, fast cars, violence. Well, I took Grappler, which is ironic, because that should have been yours. Yeah, really. There wasn't a Grappler. Yeah.

So we got the teas. What did you take? Loser, I yours. Yeah, really. There wasn't a grappler. Yeah. So we got the two. What did you take? Loser. Yeah. I had. No, I didn't. No, thank you, Emma. But Emma's boyf, or is it husband?

Yeah. It's got the same name. No, it hasn't. Nicholas Hemingway sent us some handmade ebony and brass mechanical pencils. And can I just say, I'm using mine this morning, Nicholas Hemingway, and I'm in love. What I liked about Emma is she ends her card, Namaste.

Oh, very good. Oh, come on. Which captures the whole yoga-rific. Yeah. Yeah. Love it. If you want to check these out if you look at

Flight of the Concord should have used that sorry who? well Flight of the Concord sorry I've already forgotten the biggest band

in the world and I didn't know yeah so the Leaf Collective if you want to check out MST's I don't know the ebony

and brass pencil where that happens, but if you look up... Anyway, I love it. You know me, I love a pencil. I like an ice cup of tea. I like a mechanical pencil and I like this version of it. It's really nice. So I was already a fan of the genre. I like

corner. Can you buy refills for mechanical pencils? Yeah. Yes. Can you? Yeah. Where do we get the refills from? I've recently done it. Will you ask yourills for mechanical pencils? Yeah. Yes. Can you? Yeah. Where do we get the refills from? I've recently done it. Will you ask your PA for us? From the...

There'll be something called something like the graphite of the concords. Oh, very good. I mean, there's other high street stationers. Well, you can buy actual sticks of things that you put in, propelling pencils. Yeah, yeah. Well, shut my mouth. It's things that you put in, propelling pencils. Yeah, yeah. Well, shut my mouth. It's an amazing world, isn't it?

It is. I don't know what they'll come up with next. Well, we were... In 2018. What about if they come up with feet where the toe next to the big toe is longer than the big toe? What I want, I want a foot that's got a big toe and then a much shorter toe

and then another big, biggish toe and then a much shorter toe and then another big, biggish toe and then a short toe and then I'll be able to comb my hair with my own foot. That would be... That's my dream. Thanks, Skinner. Question. Have you got nice feet? I think you have, haven't you? I think they're alright.

Yeah, I think they're not bad. I've seen some men's feet that honestly want to make me throw up. Yeah. Tell me about it. Really disgusting. I've seen a bit of that. Those toes that look like they've got little bits of turf on the top of them.

Yeah, I don't like those. Yucky, big, long, meandering toes. I've started to recently rub my toes with that stone. You know the stone that's just in the shower or the bathroom, the pumice stone I've started to scrape at the hard skin on my big toes I've never felt more like a caveman in my entire life

it's so basic in a world where we've got iPhones and Siri telling us where the nearest Savalloy and Chips are I'm scraping my feet with a stone I love it when I'm sitting watching feet with a stone. I love it. When I'm sitting watching the World Cup, I just put the cheese grater

under the coffee table. Oh, my. You two are sickening. I can't afford the overseas fish. No. So I do that. They're too risky. Not in the year of our Lord.

I mean, I'm talking like the last month. This is a new development for me to start scraping my feet with a stone. Okay, yeah. Why is it so... I like to do these things behind closed doors with a man with a nice mask on him. And we saw one of those the other day, didn't we, Frank?

Funny, I did quite a bit of that. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you a thing I've thought about Gethin Jones. I bet he's not happy watching... What are you going to get him? Oh, I thought it was his birthday coming up. It's funny you should say that.

I bet he's not happy watching football in a busy pub if a team score is... Why? Gethin! Oh, yeah. What? He must be plagued by getting puns. Yeah.

If you're... Can I ask you a question? Sure. If your big toe, the toe next to it was shorter and then the one next to that was longer, that would be great if you played a lot of snooker.

You'd never need to use the rest. All right. Ever again. You'd need quite long hamstrings. It's like a W-turn. I would like that. You could get it up there, couldn't you, Al? Don't think so.

Oh, come on. That flexes. Well, there may be a rod rest when you're fishing. A rod rest? You don't want a rod rest, do you? Is that where you put your rod? Yeah, that's where you put your rod. Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

So you rest it. They've really gone to say what you see on the naming there. Yeah, so you know when you see a fishing rod leaning on a thing? Yeah. That's a rod rest. Is it not just like a stick? It's a rod rest. Surely they could just use a stick that's got two little...

No, you need that V in the top. Yeah, like a catapult stick stick Do you know what I mean? Yes I know what you mean Isn't it just one of them? I was doing a gig last week And I was astonished When a woman in the audience

Started telling me about She'd been in a shop And she was buying some new shoes And she was So she said I tried them on I tried on a couple of pairs And I thought and she said, I've tried them on, I've tried on a couple of pairs. And I thought, women try on shoes before they buy them.

Right. Doesn't every human be? Oh, I think I know where this is going. Well, men do, but I've never been out with a woman, apart from my current partner, I would say, whose feet aren't covered in running wounds and plasters from having

and you say things like let's go down here and get a cab I can't walk that far I mean they can't the shoes are killing me yeah

so but they've actually gone and tried those shoes on and thought yeah and thought ow

yes these are exactly what I'm looking for. Yeah, I'll take them. That's what the hipsters have now with the old tight jeans. Evil trousers. Oh, awful. Yeah.

What, they have what? They're too tight? I saw men have them. Yeah, they're so uncomfortable. They can't get them off because they're so tight. Really? Yeah. We have it with shoes.

You guys have it with the trousers now. Us guys. They have blasters all over their legs. I think Frank and I are of a generation that are still wearing baggy jeans rather than... I don't wear jeans. That's the generation I'm of. Frank's given up on the jean.

Yeah. I just wear... I just really have a rug over my legs. Like Sean Connery or something. I'd prefer to think of Duke of Edinburgh. Yeah, that's enough for me at this stage. With all the tubes and stuff down there, I can't get bags, I can't get trousers over that lot.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Go on. I've noticed over the years of working with you, Frank, that you seem to be developing a catchphrase that goes, Who knew?

Like that. Oh, yes. Yeah, that is his catchphrase now. When something has shocked and surprised you. I notice my catchphrase now on live gigs has accidentally become, What was I just talking about? Well, as you may have noticed, a couple of weeks ago I had a show off and I went on a holiday.

I had a show off. Yeah. Every morning. Arguably our whole lives are shows. You were on holiday. I did. I had a holiday and I had several who knew moments. We went to Ibiza, the Balearic Island.

Wow. Very trendy. We weren't really there for the dance music, more for the buffet and a family holiday. But I had a who knew moment. My daughter went up to get a yoghurt after a meal and she came back with... I mean, I thought I knew all the yoghurt flavours.

Yeah. What's this one, gin and tommy? This was called Flight of the Conchords. Kiwi fruit. Oh, that is Flight of the Conchords. I i mean we've got all the fruit yogurts here but i've never seen a kiwi fruit yogurt available in britain i love the sound of that she loved it absolutely and then that wasn't it but i would like for a whole day i was like who knew kiwi fruit yogurt who knew i mean it can't be that much more difficult than putting raspberry or strawberry on.

It's basically the same process. Exactly the same process. So you've got to shave them. I don't like that hairy exterior. The hairy exterior. Anyway, the next day I went into a supermarket across the road from the hotel and big bags of crisps with pictures

of fried eggs on the front. And I went, I wonder what flavour those crisps are. Fried egg? Shut up. They've got fried egg crisps in Spain. Egg crisp, Frank. Do you know what they taste like? The crispy bit on the edge of a fried egg.

Oh, that bit. Yeah. I love that. They literally have gone for fried egg crisps. That's my least favourite fried egg section. But why haven't we got that? Why haven't we even got the choice? I haven't given it that much thought in fairness. But neither the choice? I've never really, I haven't given it that much thought

in fairness. But neither had I until I saw it and then I thought, who knew? I eat that a bit, but I'm glad when it's gone. Are you? Yeah, it's like trellis.

Trellis work. But if you put some of those crisps next to some bacon frazzles, you're having a breakfast. What you should have done is brought some of these crisps back so all your friends could try them. Oh, we ate them.

I tried to eat them. All the crisps back so all your friends could try them. Oh, we ate them. Along with all the crisps in Spain. Along with some double entendre sweets that we could have eaten. Oh, yeah, yeah. Holiday double entendre. And certain soups quite often make it into that, don't they? Yeah, is that the ones when they've got like a

name that sounds a bit rude in English? A bit rude about a lady, perhaps. Endless those things are. Who knew? No, I really fancy now a fried egg crisp. I mean, phrases you'd never hear. Well, I'm going to try

a savoy. Oh, excellent. Are you honestly going to try a battered savoy? And I will bring back some photographic evidence of me eating the battered Savoy. Well, I look forward to seeing that. So, anyway, look, if the good Lord spares us and the Creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now, go party. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

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