The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Green Velvet Hat

Episode Date: November 5, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Divine Miss Em and The Cockerel and he has fruit frustrations. The team talk Halloween costumes, Women of the Year and wardrobe malfunctions.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show, what about that? Via the Absolute Radio website. A bit retro, love it. Yeah, ooh, lovely cosy emails. You can print them off.

You can. What about a telex? They could send us a telex. What is that? I don't know. It was in the 90s. It's one of those words, isn't it? You never quite get your head around.

Yeah. Is there any news from the outside world yet? Yeah, we've just had three texts saying win. Win, win, win. I don't know what that is. I think it was from Charlie Sheen. I was with him last night. Oh, right. Winning. Hashtag winning. Win. Win. Win. I don't know what that is. I think it was from Charlie Sheen. I was with him last night. Oh, right. Winning. Hashtag winning. Yeah.

They think we're the competitions line, Frank. We're not the competitions. You don't think it's Winnie Mandela hasn't died? No. She alright? I always thought that's how they'd tell me. They'd be too upset to say the whole thing.

When you go, I'll just say, skin, skin. Yeah, skin, skin, skin. Win, win, win. Quinn, Quinn, Quinn for when Her Majesty. I haven't heard anything. No, I don't think it is Winnie Mandela. But yes, there will be messages forthcoming She's one of my unlikely crushes

Yes, yes Is she? Oh yeah Really? Yeah, I think she's very lovely I understand she has a tempestuous personality She's got eye maintenance, I think Maybe, but you know

Often away with the beautiful, wouldn't you say? Look at yourself. Oh! Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun! Odd that he was looking at me during that. Hello, Mr Radio! Sorry, that's a call for me. Oh, I know what I wanted to run by you.

Go on. My wife... Is it a business plan? Yeah, it's a business plan. Oh, that would be great, wouldn't it? I've never done a business plan in my life. Imagine if you set up a business, Frank. Even when you set up Gap.

No, but I didn't handle that. I was the creative. Oh, I see. In the Gap thing. He was, yeah. I had the idea for Gap. And I said, let's put it really big on the clothes. And they said, people won't want to advertise.

I said, we'll see. What was your role there, Frank? Were you creative director? Yeah, I was a creative HR semi-managerial dichotomy consultant. Oh, that's good. That's what it's like now. If you ask someone in the audience what their job is, that's what the answer you get.

Chief content officer. When I first started, it used to be, I'm a baker. Oh, you'd stuff about bread. I'm an HR semi-representative mechanical area managerial consultant person. Are you? Who else is in tonight? That's how it goes. That's how it goes with me.

Oh, we're texting today. Elton John's worst lyrical moments. What are they? Have you got any examples? Well, mine as always. I know before you texted I know Bernie Pins writes a lot of his stuff

But I mean there was a song by Elton So we're calling them Elton's worst lyric For me it was Marilyn was found In the nude Oh you don't like that? Come on Well I'm not a big fan Frank

Marilyn was found in the news. Rolling Like Thunder under the covers. Which is from, I guess, that's why they call it the blues. Rolling Like Thunder under the covers? What was going on under the covers? I'm not allowed to do that in our relationship. We have to go to the bathroom. We've all had that telling on.

Exactly. I can't believe that happens with Furnish and John. They're immaculate. Absolutely. Spotless. So, yes, that's mine. Marilyn was found in the... I'm going to have to think about it for a while.

I don't know what mine is. I've got loads. Which was a little bit rude. That's what I should... If I'd have been Bernie, I'd have said, I'd just carried what mine is. I've got loads. Which was a little bit rude. That's what they should have... If I'd have been Bernie, I'd have said, I'd just carried on that one. You could see that that was lewd. Anyway, yeah, what's his...

Any others you've got, we'd love to hear from. OK. And the good thing is, I'm sure he won't be at all offended, because he's not a high maintenance character I think I offended him anyway last time I met him he actually physically turned his back on me

he did he properly physically turned his back on me so I went over and said hello and he literally turned around like that oh my yeah so I just you know know those, like, those, like, flabby bits underneath the armpits?

I just pinched those really hard. You should have heard him squeal. It's the best note I've ever heard him strike. And then he just laughed about it. We just laughed together. No tongs. Anyway. Any rolling like thunder?

Good. Not from me. I didn't feel that relaxed. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Here's the thing. I was... I've been back in the office this week. You know, I work in the office sometimes.

Like a proper office person. You know, there was one of those things, Kate came round at one point. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. So, someone... I saw you with your office pals this week.

Yeah, indeed, yeah. Can I be honest? I was a little bit gel. I was a bit jelly bags. How was Frank on their names? Because he's not been tip-top with the reception names, has he? They're all very young. I saw him sitting there in an anorak.

I thought he wouldn't wear that with us. He's dressing for the youth. No, I had a cagoule on and I was sitting with a lot of people in there. I look like a latter-day faggot. Oh, yeah. That's what I look like.

Like I was going to send them out pickpocketing. But they're a lovely bunch. They seem charming. Yeah, I think they actually are. But, you know, I don't know them well. There's always a gap, obviously. That was the slogan I came up with. There's always a gap, obviously. That was the slogan I came up with. There's always a gap.

Sorry to interrupt, but 275 would like to put forward from Elton's worst lyrics. Oh, yeah. Surely if I was a sculptor, but then again, no. Completely redundant from Harry. The next line should have been the backing vocalist saying, why bring it up? Yeah.

It's, I mean, the thing, he talks about being a bloke in a travelling show. Not just a bloke, a man who makes potions. Yeah. And he actually runs with that. Oh, I could be one of those blokes who makes potions in a travelling show. I mean, what's the chances of getting a job like that? Yeah, yeah. 1970s, England, impossible.

But Sculptor, the people are actually at that. He dismissed this immediately. Almost straight away. He's leaked a table of possible professions. He's all over the place. Yeah, he seems to think he has a strong chance of the man who makes potions in the travelling show. Yeah, he makes potions he has a strong chance of the man who makes potions in the travelling show.

Yeah, I'll mix potions. It makes me doubt his commitment to being a singer. He's running through all these other jobs. Well, it was early in his career.

I mean, that was his first hit so he probably wasn't sure how it would turn out. So I think he needs to open his options a bit more. I mean, sculptor or man who makes potions in a travelling show.

What about HR? Yeah. There are other options available. I don't know if HR existed in the 70s. Also, I'd have thought... If you wear enormous spectacles, I'd have thought sculptors are going to be quite high up on the list

because you're not worried about shards like a lot of us are. Well, he rejected optometrists. That would have been a lovely job for him. Was there any other options that he ran through in that song? In your song? If I was a doctor. Doctor? No, he didn't do doctor.

Yeah, if I were a doctor. But then again, no. Oh, no. That's not the one he dismissed. That's why we're being a doctor at any point. He doesn't say if I were a doctor. I suppose the man who sells potions in a travelling show is a doctor. In many ways. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, a fisherman, it's sort of like it's going to get involved in some sort of scandal. Is he suggesting snake oil as the potion? I think it's that kind of thing. Maybe it's one of those, you know those hair restorers? Right. Oh, yeah. It's Amanda's foresight he showed.

That was when Elton had his milk hair. His milk hair? What's his milk hair? Oh, yeah, like milk teeth. Like milk teeth, yeah. So you have your milk hair. He had his milk hair and that fell out and then he grew his grown-up hair.

Oh, yeah. We've got another one from David in St Albans. Oh, yeah. Looks like they could eat me alive in a couple of weeks. That's from Just Like Noah's Ark. Oh, I don't know that one. No, me neither. That would be Noah's POV.

Yeah. Because you get the animal, you think you're doing a good turn, you get the animals, then you're out at sea and you're thinking, if they turned... Yeah. I suppose every captain thinks it, about... He's actually an animal-based muse, isn't he? He's telling me.

Yeah? Yeah. Good. I'm enjoying that. So anyway... We'll keep you posted if there are any further updates. Thank you. Speaking of food,

somebody brought a punnet of strawberries in. What, is this into your office job? Yeah. I have a runner who sort of takes care of me, you know, makes tea and will go and get me deodorant. I don't really want... Sometimes she got me deodorant once without me even asking. Really?

Yeah. I wonder what... Looking back, looking back on that. I thought it was an act of kindness, looking back. It was. Yeah. But anyway, I had... I have a massive problem with strawberries.

And I love strawberries. Right. I was going to say that thing that people say, nobody loves strawberries more than I do. But, I mean, I haven't done that kind of canvassing. But I do really like them. But I have one major problem with them, which, as I will explain, after this...

Hang on, Strawberry Cliffhanger. Unbelievable. Strawberry Cliffhanger, what a club that was. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. So, what? Can I just say it's an absolute pleasure to be some mistake. So, what? Can I just say it's an absolute pleasure to be at the vanguard of what the problem with strawberry is.

Radio links. Cliffhangers. Also, Cornelius in Dundee. Oh, yeah. Hey, Nikita, is it cold? Of course it is. That's why I'm wearing the fur hat. Rather good, Cornelius. Yeah, very fine. Oh, I'd forgotten about that one. Give my love to the apes.

Pardon? Planet of the Apes, Cornelius. Oh, yeah. I was thinking of Cornelius Lyset, Five Lives, a racehorse correspondent. Oh, OK. Horse racing, I suppose. Not race. Well, I suppose he knows individual racehorses.

He knows how the going is. He got a bit off with me once. I was sitting in for Danny Baker, and I said, it's Cornelius with the GGs. He said, I'd rather you didn't say that. He didn't. That's a shame. What I was referring to is enormous breasts. Yeah.

Sorry, so we were talking about this. That's the joy of radio, you see. You can work through a thing like that. No one knows. Sorry? Strawberries. Oh, yes. So why are they sold invariably with the hat on, the sort of green, stalky hat?

A stalk? Why? I think it keeps them fresher. Oh. I think all fruit that you buy like that lasts, what, two hours? Yeah. Before they get that liquid in the bottom of the cup.

So are you suggesting... Oh, it really... I was going to... Honestly, I was going to have these strawberries and I saw the stalks and I thought, oh, forget it. Really? I honestly did.

Maybe you should adopt the system that my daughter adopts, and just eat them. Eat the stalks. Eat the green bits. That's very your daughter, and I love her for that. If you're five, and you don't know any better,

you just shovel it in and don't care. But you know what? I love her. Maybe, I'd never thought of that. Yeah. Maybe that's... It'll all come out in the wash, as it were. She's doing well.

She's fine. My phone's on airplane mode, but I think she's fine. It's just foliage. I actually, I actively... I'm going to try that. I'm going to try it. Yeah, can you just... Or, change your thinking.

Oh. Because I actively worship the stalk, because it gives me purchase. Oh, no, I can't. It helps me eat the stalk. What, hang on a minute. You've had your minute, let me have mine. You eat it off the stalk. Like a stick, I can't. It helps me eat the... Hang on a minute. You've had your minute, let me have mine. You eat it off the store. Like a stick on a lollipop.

100. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I find, use it, see the stalk as your guide. Stop seeing it as your enemy. Wow. Emily's zen. She's gone really zen. Love it.

Well, I've tried it, and I find I leave too much strawberry on the stalk. I can't cope with waste. I'll agree with you. There is a lot of waste. Yeah. Do that thing, like, sort of just inhale the last bit off the stalk. I don't want to inhale fruit.

I've told you that before. Also. When I was offering you vaping. Exactly. Yeah, when you offered me that kiwi steam you had in a sealed container. I don't like a disappointing strawberry, though. You know one that's gone a bit? No, but this...

When I take the stalks off, my feeling is to take them all off in one go and then it's out the way. But it actually hurts my cuticles. It hurts my cuticles. It hurts my fingernails. So what I started doing is just slicing them. It hurts my cuticle, like Lord Forlorn. That's my cuticles.

And also they went on my blue velvet jumpsuit. Are you OK? No, Mother, my cuticles hurt me. So I started slicing them off. You know what I mean? Just slice the top off. With a knife? With a knife beforehand. But then that's even more wasted.

Oh, I thought you meant with your nails like Bear Grylls. I think you can slice them off in a sort of a slight V. Like if you just... Oh, I can't be bothered to change direction. Well, I slice them if I'm having them at home. Do you? Well, I started doing the frozen fruit like your direction. Well, I slice them, if I'm having them at home. Do you? Well, I started doing the frozen fruit, like your calf.

Oh, yeah. Now, where do you stand on a raspberry? I don't think a raspberry freezes very well, does it? Doesn't it go switching? Au contraire, my friend. One of the finest. Oh, right. But you see, I have a similar phobia about the sagging raspberry. Oh, yeah.

Yes. You know you get sad. I mean, it used to be a great pub. But now it's gone. It's rough. My bathroom's very rough. I like my raspberries taut. I don't like that hollowed out bit to be too cavernous.

No, I know what you mean. Well, I tied with the idea, would it be morally okay to ask the runner to take the stalks off for me. But it felt a bit Howard Hughes so I didn't actually do it. So what has happened now is I didn't eat them, they've been wasted. I tell you what, Jamie Packer's divorced people for less, I'm sure. Or called off engagements. Yeah, probably.

Well, Jamie Packer, we should say, he's the partner of Maria Carey. Mariah Carey and not anyone. We call the wind Mariah. That's from the same thing as rolling thunder under covers. Any other wind-breaking theme? No doubt.

No, no, no. I've just seen something that's going to change your life with regards to strawberries. Back in a bit. Frank Skinner on the radio. Frank, are you... Sorry, I've just shown some photos to the team. Are you ready for the life-changing piece of information?

How about that for a lyric? Are you ready? Are you ready for love? Yes, I am. Bit of dialogue. Yeah, am. Bit of dialogue. Yeah, exactly. Bit of dialogue in your songwriting. Get someone else to do that bit.

Otherwise it sounds like you are going under the covers again. You saved a few quid on backing singers there, if you ask me. Always got one eye on the bottom line, hasn't he? You don't want to be talking to yourself. Are you ready for love? Yes, I am. That's a whole other thing. Yeah, it's all the world out there. Get out.

Okay. You ready? Here we go, strawberry news. Well, we've had Nick Smith get in touch. He's not the only one. Okay. There are all sorts. 861, Paul Vine. I could go on. Paul Vine is obviously on the side of the stalk.

Yeah, he knows. Nick Smith says, you need the strawberry slash straw life hack. It's a game changer. There have been pictures enclosed. What you do, you push a drinking straw up through the bottom of the strawberry, as 861 says,

and it pushes the straw out. I'm going to show you the stalk, sorry. You push the stalk out with the straw out. I'm going to show you the stalk, sorry. Yeah. You push the stalk out with the drinking straw. I'm going to show you. It's absolutely phenomenal. Wow. Phenomenal.

No, no, no, no. It sounds like it just won't work. It sounds like there might be waste, though. It sounds like there might be strawberry going in the bin along with stalk. Well, maybe you could, at the end of it, you get, like, a long strawberry log. Push a drinking straw up through the bottom of the strawberry and out of the top. It cleans out all the inner gubbins

and removes the green velvet hat, too. Oh, OK. OK. The green velvet hat! I'm going to try it. The green velvet hat. That was a song by the Dubliners, I remember. I mean, Emily says...

Tied up with a green velvet hat. Emily says life changer and we have had about 10, maybe 20 texts suggesting that straw thing. Thank you so much. Maybe that's why it's called the straw berry. Of course. Yeah. Just in the

interest of balance, we've also had a text from 771 saying, guys, this strawberry talk is drivel. Are you all hungover? I mean, I am, but come on. It's not for everyone. You can't please everyone. Someone said about the strawberry, oh, they didn't like it.

Maybe they meant drivel. This strawberry talk is drivel. Like when Frank was talking about the little liquid that gets in the bottom of a punnet. We're all teetotal, actually. How dare you? Yeah. Aren't we all teetotal?

Good points. Good points. Well, I... I... I'd like to know what fruit annoy you. Fruit? Yeah. It's got to be just fruit, has it? Well, it can be.

Can I have vegetables? It can be food, I suppose. But, yeah, fruit and vegetables. I'll give you an example. Shall I give you a part example? Please do. The pomegranate. Oh,

don't get me started. I love the, what I'm calling the jewels of the pomegranate. The glistening jewels. Oh yeah, but to get to them.

Yeah, it's a good job. Especially as my mum told me the yellow stuff was poison. Oh, really? So that, already I've got a problem. I remember Coventry Patmore wrote about the poetry of Algernon Swinburne and said it was like jewels set in impenetrable quartz.

And that's what it's like. There's all this lovely, lovely stuff, and the pomegranate doesn't want you to have it. No. And also, that thing on the pomegranate, I mean, I don't know what you'd even call it. It looks like it used to be a tube but it's been cut off with those, you know those scissors? They call them pinking shears.

Oh, yes, yes. They leave things. I tell you, the thing that they use those same scissors on is, you know when you get a bit of silk to clean your spectacles? For some reason, they've got that spiky finish. Can I just say, if 771 thought the strawberry talk was drivel, what's he going to make of pomegranate games? I don't know, there was poetry.

And wait till I start on peppers, because I've got a lot to say about those troublesome seeds. My guess is... No, I don't want a load of confetti when I open a vegetable. No, that's a weird thing. Why do I want that white stuff? It's like the end of The X Factor when all those bits come down from the ceiling. I don't want that in a pepper. I love that on the show, though. I remember when Margaret got the first ever million on who wanted to be a millionaire.

Do you remember that? And all the ticker tape came down. Oh, yeah. I've never seen such an old, dusty ticker tape. Been up there for about eight series. Thick with dust. Nobody could breathe in there. It's terrible.

Frank Skinner on the radio. There has been... I mean, the switchboard has lit up again with pomegranate life hacks, I would say. This fruit texting is a real, you know... It's really bearing fruit. It's really bearing fruit, isn't it? Oh, lovely. Pomegranate life hacks could be a pretty American actress.

That's right. In the Daily Mail. She sounds lovely, actually. Mail online. Never heard of her, but here she is in a bikini. Currently dating Calvin Harris. Game-changing pomegranate solution. Cut PG in half.

PG, from now on, will represent pomegranates. Okay. Cut PG in half. Hold PG between fingers and thumb with jewel-side face down. Place bowl below. Bash bottom of PG with wooden spoon repeatedly. Hey presto, jewels in bowl. Yellow bits remain in bottom.

Jewels in bowl. I love that. It's like Ross in Pocket. I'm definitely going to try that. Jewels in bowl. There's also an easier way, apparently, which is to put it in cold water and it just comes out.

Oh, no, I don't. I really feel zero... I ate cold fruit. Oh. I really feel zero one zero described that beautifully. Attention must be paid. Yeah. Respect. No, that's very, very fine. This is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Any EJ coming in? EJ? Oh, yes. OK. Let me just find it. We're doing, in case you've just tuned in, Elton John's worst lyrical moments this morning.

And I know a lot of them are written by a birdie. But, you know. What about, Hey Armadillo, what you doing in the garden? Slumbering and spherical, you're always hanging around. What's that from? I don't know. Hashtag trespassing.

Hashtag waiting for a free bacon sandwich, maybe. That's a reference to you hanging about somebody's garden. Oh, right. They're not spherical, are they, armadillos? Well, they're quite round. No. They're more rugby ball-shaped, aren't they? I don't know. They're sort of tapered at both ends.

Or is that dog mess? Something I've seen in my garden. Anyway. OK. All good stuff. Frank, in other news, a lovely photograph has been sent through of you on our Twitter feed. Oh, really?

A view with a green face. Oh, yes. No, not trying to eat a strawberry stalk, but at the Halloween party. Yes, it was, of course, it was Halloween. Oh, yeah. And I decided, I went route one. Yeah. I went Frankenstein monster.

Let's call him FF. Oh, right. In. I went Frankenstein monster. Let's call him FM. All right. In the current trend of abbreviations. Yeah. So I went as FM. And I tell you, the good thing was... It was great. Yeah. It was a good costume.

Because the make-up, Kath did the make-up, I believe, didn't she? She did it with some aggression. Did she? Yeah. She took a sponge and green paint, and I thought there was not hate, but grudge. There was grudge in it.

Just edge of violence. Yeah, just a bit like that. And I thought, you know, you don't want to be saying, you know, you're hurting me, when someone's doing your make-up. He had a lovely, he had bolts on his neck, which Aisling B tried to unscrew, I noticed. Yes, that could have been, what if

only my head could have fallen off at that moment, she would have felt pretty stupid. Yeah, that would have taught her a lesson. Well, the bolts, the bolts were made by, there's a very lovely woman called Emily who works on Emily with a double M.

Oh. I call her M. Emily with a double M. Oh. I call her M. Emily. Okay. And she did me the bolts which were very good. They were on a little Why would you be a double M? Hungover father maybe? Well we're all different. Maybe she loves M&M's.

Yeah. But she's a very sweet woman not the sort for a cutting remark yeah but you know she makes stuff and that she doesn't just move it about and I said could you help me out with an FM kit

Frankenstein monster and I said you know you see him wearing those false heads with like the big forehead on him. And she looked at me and she said, I think he'll be alright. Oh. That was quite a moment. Oh, Frank.

Oh. She shouldn't have actually come out with it. No. Oh. But it was a very interesting experience becoming the Frankenstein monster, which I'll discuss with you after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215 if you like. We'd like it, certainly. You can follow the show on 81215 if you like. We'd like it, certainly. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. This morning we're talking about fruit that we find frustrating, fruit and vegetables, and we're also talking about Elton John's worst lyrical moments.

and we're also talking about Elton John's worst lyrical moments and I've just started the tale of me being the Frankenstein monster for the Halloween party. Well, 523 was confused. 523 says, oh, it was Frankenstein. When I saw those pictures, I assumed he'd gone dressed as his Gotham character, cooking apple face. Yes, I was. That's from Monster Mash.

Thank you, Monster. I was talking about last week. Someone said, if you were a character in... I opted for Batmite, but then we got on to... They said if you were a character in Gotham. Yes. But then on the subject of Cooking Apples, I thought Cooking Apple Face could be a great villain.

And that's how he would look. I wish now I'd gone for it. Oh, well. Meanwhile, over at the Halloween party. Yeah, so I got... When I was prepping, when I was getting ready to be... Getting into character. And you wore a grey suit and a black T-shirt.

Yeah, which is, I think, Karloff. It was classic Frankenstein. Well, it wasn't really, because if you consider that when Frankenstein was written, he would have probably been in some sort of frock coat. Yes, but one always associates him with the slightly 50s grey suit and the black T-shirt. Karloff, I think, is what comes to your mind. Anyway, so I went upstairs, I had to shave initially. Because, you know, say what you like

about the Frankenstein monster, he's always clean shaving he doesn't dash out the house no mixing effort did you have a red lipstick on as well? I did do that, I don't know quite where that comes from, the red lipstick but yes I went for the red lips

do you think that the stitches on the frankenstein monster's neck could be from shaving oh because he is keen on a shave but then there's a possibility that the lightning used to um ignite his life force at a sort of electrolysis well he had i actually think can i be honest they they looked like a suspicion of a hair transplant activity. Oh, yeah. Because he had an extraordinarily high forehead. And you know when the hair grows back a bit too thick at the front?

But he's got one of those fringes that's got a slightly clawed, if you know what I mean. It's sort of coming in on you. Yes, surely the shock. Surely that's the... Well, I don't know, because the Incredible Hulk has got basically the same, exactly the same hairstyle. Well, and the actual hair.

Maybe it just goes with green, that hairstyle. Well, the follicles, sorry to get too technical, but I love hair, it's my life. The consistency of the follicles is almost mole-like, it's like a pelt. Yes, it's the, I had to, I had to go heavy with the gel. But I did notice, at this stage, all I've done is had a shave, bear's neat. I had to go heavy with the gel. But I did notice, at this stage, all I've done is add a shave, bear in mind. I gelled the fringe and I was basically there. I hadn't got any bolts, green paint, nothing.

But I looked and I thought, yes, I can already see the fracking. It's just going to work. It's a tiny bit of gel. Yeah. I didn't dye my hair in the Yanks. Well, you didn't dye it black. No. It's a bit Paul gel. Yeah. That's, I didn't dye my hair in the Yanks. I thought it was, Well, you didn't dye it black.

No, that's what people, It's a bit Paul McCartney. I don't want you doing that. Paul McCartney's gone for a sort of purpley look. Oh, it's more aubergine. But, I, I didn't go for the black. I thought I,

I sort of looked like the Frankenstein monster if he'd live. I've got the grey hair. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Yeah, so I went as the Frankenstein. Here's another text in this morning.

What, if anything, did the Frankenstein monster have in his suit pockets? Because that, when I started putting stuff in my pockets, like my wallet and stuff, I thought, is this going to look, is people going to say to me, I don't think he had a wallet, did he? He wouldn't have needed cash where he was going. He used intimidation rather than money. Yeah, he must have had stuff in his pockets. Then again, you can't apply that. You could apply that logic to all fancy dress. Like, you know, someone goes dressed up as Mary Poppins,

you can't... Well, this is the problem. Yeah. Oh, you've got a purse or... Well, I went as, um, I went as... My theme, I'm getting a bit of a theme now as something of a regular at these parties. Aren't you?

I go as good girl gone bad. That's my theme. So I did Dorothy, Zombie as good girl gone bad. That's my theme. So I did Dorothy, Zombie Dorothy in Wizard of Oz. That was last year, was it? Year before last. Okay.

Nice try. Last year was Zombie Princess Leia. Oh, yes, of course. This year was... I remember your buns. Belle from Beauty and... Thank you.

Belle from Beauty and the Beast and the Beast had attacked me. Ah. He'd gone postal. Beauty and the Beast. And the Beast had attacked me. Ah. He'd gone postal. Beauty and the Beast. So I had claw marks. It's the story all the time. Yes.

And I thought it was a nice excuse to try out yellow. Because I'd always wondered what yellow would look like. And I quite liked it on me. Sounds good. Well, you looked beautiful. Thank you. I think there's a tendency for the women to look beautiful slash sexy. Yes. I don't go sexy, but I go classic.

You were quite sexy as the Black Swan, I thought. Oh, are they? Good pelt. Late review. Yeah. Whereas there's not much sexy about the Frankenstein. There'll be someone somewhere who fancies the Frankenstein monster as ever. Bride of Frankenstein, par example.

True. I think even she was more of an arranged marriage. You think so? Well, yeah, they were sort of rearranged, I suppose. They'd been other people. I do take it very seriously, though, because Jonathan... Marriage? Takes it seriously.

Oh, yes, the party. The party. Yeah, exactly. And he puts a lot of effort into it. He went as Flying Monkey. Great costume. Yeah, that was a tremendous costume. You know, from Wizard of Oz.

Oh, right. It's not an Elton John lyric. No. But I take it so seriously. Flying monkey in my heart. I spoke to Charlie. Flying monkey in my heart. Fly monkey in my heart. Yes.

I spoke to Charlie, the producer, this week, and she said, where are you? I said, I can't really talk, I'm just on my way to my fabric consultant. I mean, come on, I have an actual fabric consultant. That is serious. That's lovely. Yeah. It's all good fun now, celebrating death and things.

Yeah. I made you a cup of tea, Frank, didn't I? Yeah, that was nice. At the party. Tell Alan what happened, Frank. You always find you in the kitchen at parties, isn't that? I knew you wanted a tea. I read you like a book.

It was late in the night. I mean, much later than I normally stay up. I'm thinking about bed nowadays at about night. It was late at night. We were working in the lab late one night. Yes. And I'd in the lab late one night. Yes, and I'd had a few late nights. There was a PJ Harvey, and then I had... Anyway, et cetera, et cetera.

But then, when it got... You can tell, when I left, there was the paparazzi were outside. Oh, no. You've got photographs. I heard them say, Oh, this one's had a drink when I came outside. Oh, no. And they... You got photocopied. I heard them say, oh, this one's had a drink when I came out. They didn't.

Yeah. I thought, well, yes, but it was September the 24th, 1986. Can you still smell it on there? Still staggering about. Did they say this one's had a drink? Yeah, they honestly said that. And I said, I haven't...

And they said, yes, yes, what they ought. They took photos. Thank you. Legend. And when they took photos, yes, that's what they all, they took photos. Thank you. Legend. And when they took photos, I thought it was slightly, I slightly staggered because of the, well, to be honest, it's midnight. I'm not used to being vertical for that long. Yeah. And I slightly sort of, they all went, wait, he's going over.

And I thought, can you believe it? And I just had a cup of tea with Emily. That's a big show. I decided to make him a cup of tea with Emily. That's a big show. I decided to make him a cup of tea. I knew it's what he wanted. Yeah. Oh, it was absolutely lovely. You know when you really want a cup of tea

and then you have a cup of tea. Brilliant. What is that song lyric? When you want... I was looking for a job and then I found a job. Yeah, it was like that. I was looking for a cup of tea and then I found a cup of tea and I wasn't miserable.

No, I get it. I'm with you. I finished the trope. I can relax. I'm with you. Thanks for being with me. Yeah. I'd be lost without you.

Frank Skinner on the radio. So, what else? 877 has suggested, I'm sure Frankenstein's monster was always told to keep salt in one of his pockets and brass in the other. Yeah. Yes.

New readers might want to know that my dad told me to always carry salt in my pocket. So if I was accosted, and he told me how to do it, you don't just go at it. You go, oh, look, I don't want any. And then you do it. So they think you're backing off. They're wide-eyed with excitement. And then those eyes become the receptacle for sodium chloride. I've taken that advice on board.

Anyone listening at home, I'm not for a second suggesting you throw salt in people's eyes. This is just my dad came from a different age. He also told me the best way to kill a dog was pull its front legs apart till its heart bursts I would never do that. He also said to the person who came round with the Paul's coupons, if I find out what did he say in fact? It was in the paper

that a man who collected the Paul's coupons had run off with the money and he said to him, did you see that story about the Paul's coupons? He said yes I did Mr. Carr yes I did. He said you know if you ever that, I'd track you down and kill you. Now then. Tone changed in the room. You used the word readers, and we've had a complaint from John Reid.

Ironically. Nominative determinism. Isn't it? Yes. Because he says, hi all, I really dislike your use of the word readers for your listeners. We do not read the show. As Frank can be quite pedantic in the use of language, I'm surprised he uses it.

Otherwise, I really enjoy the show. Regards, John. That's a shame that that's holding it back. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry about it. I think how it comes from, John, it comes from when we back-refer to things. So it's born of humility. Because if you think how it comes from, John, it comes from when we back-refer to things. So it's born of humility.

Because if you think about it, sometimes if we back-refer, I think, well, people don't listen every week. I don't have that kind of ego. And so it's based on, when you read serialized stories, it used to say new readers start here. So that's how it came about. So it's from a good place. I'm sorry it annoys you. get out stick with it stick with it we've had 956 has got in touch as well oh god it's been a while and 956 the subject line is oppressed okay morning my three friends some weeks ago frank recalled an instance of Frank's partner

complaining vociferously about Frank clapping too hard at a circus if I recall correctly Yeah, she said, can you use your fingers more when you clap So it's more like this and less like that because she said it was hurting her ears Okay, I love that

Frank ended the anecdote with a solitary word, a rather mournful, oppressed. Yes, correct. I like to think I captured that well. That was good, yeah. My wife, who was not a regular reader, was in the room at the time, and ever since, when I complain unnecessarily about a trivial chore in her presence,

washing up, ironing, having to get off the sofa, she gives me a withering look, sighs and mutters oppressed. It does sum up the situation rather nicely and it ends the argument there and then. You've provided a valuable service, praise withheld. That's good because that will help

the balance in the relationship, don't you think? It will. It's the gift that keeps on giving. We all need a little reminder down again. Yeah. That's what I certainly do at my age. Couldn't remember... Oh, God, who was it now? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Oh, we've got some exciting news in this week. We haven't talked about this yet, and I've been wanting to, but it's been so busy, what with all the fruit discussion and Elton John lyrics. Frankenstein's monster. Yeah. Well, in fact, while we're on that subject, Sarah has said,

Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact, it's cold as hell, and there's no one there to raise them if you did. She's comments, odd parental plans. Yeah. Does he and there's no one there to raise them if you did. She's comments, odd parental plans. Yeah. Does he say there's no one there to raise them if you did? Does he say that? Sounds like that's what she suggests.

Might have to kind of raise your kids. In fact, it's cold as hell. You're a weirdo. You won't raise them if you did. Is that what he says there? Maybe that's her little... No, I don't think so. I think that's the quote.

Maybe it's... When he says Mars, maybe he means his mother's house. Oh, yeah. As in Mars' house. Because remember, he had a bit of a... Maybe he's talking about Bruno Mars. He had a set, too, with his mum, who then hired an Elton John lookalike.

That's right. I think people should do that. If they get divorced from celebrities, they should then hire a lookalike. Just as a ramp, just to get over it. Just to bring them down. Why not?

Anyway. That would be a good little thing to have on the back page of the stage the stage of television times today available for divorce, post divorce let downs

and then if you've been living if you've been living with will wear beard and hat if god forbid furnish and john was to split then DF could have the Elton John lookalike. He could pick any era he liked, just to be around, you know, go to things with,

and then just get used to it. The company, at first. So, I wanted to talk to you about Glamour magazine. This is the US version. They released that they have Women of the Year. Oh, yes. So, they've released the list of Women of the Year. Oh, yes. So they've released the list of Women of the Year, and it's quite an exciting list.

They've got Gwen Stefani. You're familiar with her work. What? How does she... I mean, God bless her, but what does she... How does she... How does she qualify as Woman of the Year? Oh, God forbid Frank Emma says that to me. If Frank Emma says God bless her, I know something withering is about to come. I mean, I like

her work and stuff, and she looks lovely. She does. Harajuku girl. That'll do me. They're two criteria. If I was a man, she'd be my type. No, what I'm thinking is she must have something else going on to avoid Woman of the Year. She must have a big...

Does she have a foundation? Quite a lot. Quite a lot, in my experience. She is quite fond of the make-up. Yeah, maybe that's what she... She favours the Frank on Halloween Frankenstein monster. No, she looks beautiful, but she looks like a beautiful woman who doesn't need to have to do...

Is she kind of girl power? She's like a sort of a modern version of girl power. Is she? She looks good for her age. But how does she qualify? Has she got a foundation? Has she done something behind the scenes? I would imagine there's charitable works going on.

Zendaya? We'll have to Google it. Pardon? Zendaya? Yes, she's good. Don't know her. She's an actress. Are you familiar with her, Charlie?

The youth will be. Oh, dear, that's disappointing. No. Just me, then. Who else is on there? She is a sort of actress and social media star. Social media star? Yes. She's certainly shot up in my

estimation now. And probably got a foundation. And then finally, Bono is on it. Yeah. Bono? Yes. Woman of the year. He's one of the women of the year. This is no joke. Bono... He's a bloke though, isn't he? I know, but he loves a Cuban heel.

He's a bloke, isn't he? And a rose-tinted spectacle. He's a fan. You know what? It's gone a bit wrong. I mean, last year, I think it was last year they had Caitlyn Jenner, did they? Yes. Now, that felt like a very positive statement about, you know, about your transsexuals.

Although some people weren't so positive about that. Yeah, but, you know, some people. a very positive statement about your transsexuals. Although some people weren't so positive about that. Yeah, but you know, some people. But it made sense that. Very persuasive argument. If you're going to go outside your core group, which is one might say was women, sort of thing, like born

women, women. Yeah. Then it feels to me like if the buzz is going to extend its route, then the first stop would be the transsexual. That makes sense. You know, they have walked the walk literally. Well, not for very long. For about three months. But in those heels, you have to walk the walk.

But how far down the road of conversation do you get before you reach Bono as Woman of the Year? Even Bono said he didn't deserve it. Yeah, he's pushed his neck out there a bit. I think he was being a bit faux bashful. I'm sure I don't deserve it, but hey, I'll have it. But they said,

we've talked about picking a man before, but it's always been Vita. And I thought, how hard is it to find some women of the year? Yeah, well, I think some... Yeah, but imagine, guys, when you got the call out. I mean, you got an award. He thought he'd get Lifetime Achievement at the Grammys. Yeah. He thought he'd get Nobel

Peace Prize. Women of the Year. I'm just... Come on. I'm worried about my calendar for next year. I subscribe every year I get the Glamour Woman of the Year calendar. Oh dear. It's going to be a difficult March for me next year, isn't it? Looking at Bono every day. What's the FHM Sexiest Women going to be like this March for me next year, isn't it? Looking at Bono every day. What's the FHM sexiest women

going to be like this year? Peter Crouch. That's going to be the edge. I have to say, it wouldn't break my heart to see Bieber in there. I always look. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What's going on in the studio? We've done a video.

Strawberry eating? Tell them about the strawberries. Yes, tell them about the strawberries, Mummy. I got the drinking straw. I inserted. And I inserted so deep, the hat came off. Really? Yeah, and it worked.

The stalk came off the strawberry and I had a lovely hollow... Did it work for you, Al? No. Me neither. It did not. Oh, really? It didn't work for either of us. I'll tell you what I did.

I tried twice to get the strawberry hat off with the straw. Ended up just burrowing a massive, like a cave inside a strawberry. And then just pulled the straw out and ate it normally, but with it all gooey. Because I'd had a go at using a straw to tear the mouth. Well, I was filmed doing it, and I think we've put that somewhere. It's online! There was a tense moment when I thought the video hadn't come out, and I just didn't know what to do.

No, it's all right. Everything's OK. But delicious. They were delicious. They were delicious. That's what counts. Anyway, it worked for me. OK. Didn't work for everyone. We sound like we're making small talk at a dinner party.

That's what the manager of the comedy store used to say sometimes. Audience liked it, didn't work for me. That's one of his favourites. He sounds like a supportive comedy manager. I remember after I started to do well, I turned up there and he went, get the red carpet out. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake.

Yeah, so we were talking about the list of woman of the year. Someone's texted us, 482, loving Emily's gift ideas in the John Lewis catalogue. Coaster anyone? I didn't tell you this, Frank. No. Well, I have done my guide to good gift ideas. Oh, yeah? For comics, and I might have mentioned you in it. Oh, really?

I mentioned that you like a coaster. What did you, in what, where is it? I have to get the catalogue to go into it. Oh, it's in the John Lewis catalogue. Go into the in-store and you'll find it. What, you have written in it? No, I'm being interviewed as a celebrity. Oh, are you? Oh, excellent.

Can I actually? Mazel tov. How exciting. Yeah, that's nice. Lovely celebrity interview. How do you get it? How do you get the catalogue? I believe you go into all good John Lewis stores.

Is it what they call in store? In store. I'm going in store. Will you get one, Al? Yeah, I might go straight from the show. That's interesting. Oh, I love it when you guys branch out. That makes me so proud.

Well, I'm pleased. I've got a feeling that I might win Woman of the Year next year. I think you're in with a really good... In that sweater. Thanks very much. Oh, I wonder who was on the list before they got to Barno.

Who else? What other women? No, but there must have been... Oh, other men. They must have gone to the end of the road with women before they started. They must have said, what about Gemma Lucy from Ex on the Beach? Nah. What about a man? What, are you crazy? What would you do if either of you got the Women of the Year Award for the UK Glamour,

and one of my very good friends, Josie Eddison, could be arranged? What would you accept the award? I would accept the award and claim the right to use women's changing rooms in swimming beds, sports centres, and large stores. I don't think they've Even thought of What they could No I think I'd want a special badge

So I could wear it in Alright girls Alright I mean I'll be frank What Has Bono thought of this He might be

He might be really abusing His new position But I know He might be just Barrelling right past I don't know what He's looking at Behind those fly eyes

I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know

I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know what he's looking at behind those fly eyes. Frank Skinner on the radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Ellen Cotteran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's a touch of It's such a John Cooper Clark. John Cooper Clark. Oh, is that who it was? Yeah. Lovely.

I just remember something from the Halloween party I wanted to share with you. Oh, yeah. Which was, I introduced Frank to

a friend of mine called James. I said, Frank, this is my friend James. He produces one of your favourite shows, Mrs.

Brown's Boys. Oh. Frank said, how's it going? He said, great, we're just doing Christmas specials. Frank said,

respect. Like he was sort of Rosa Parks or something. Like he was flying in the face of convention, like respect. Well, he's getting paid. No, but I think that Mrs. Brown's Boys does fly in the face of, you know, it's caught in a very, a very lone path, really. Yes. With, you know, there's a lot of character acting and stuff going on in the sitcoms nowadays. They're dramas. This is Frank with disapproval.

There's a lot of dramas. Like there's no character acting in Mrs Brown's Boys. Well, there's character acting, but you know what I mean? Quirky character acting. Sit yourself down, I've got news for you, Frank. You know Bonner's Woman of the Year? Well, Mrs Brown's Boys. Yes. I've got news for you, Frank. You know Bono's Woman of the Year? Well, Mrs. Brown's Boys.

Yes. He loves them. That was a treat. What if Brendan O'Carroll had got Woman of the Year for Mrs. Brown? Oh, now, that would have been a story, wouldn't it? Why didn't they do that, Frank? Much better. Oh, man.

Missed opportunity. Well, that would have been the best thing. Joe, who edits UK Glamour, if you're listening, just a little idea. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway, look, we think, I mean, Bono, it's easy to mock Bono. I know. But he does do...

I don't think that should stop us doing it, though. No. But he does... No, I think that should make it an absolute must. Yeah, but what's next? I mean, where will it end? It's going to be our Keith as Miss Birmingham. You can't keep putting forward men for these female roles.

I agree. That does seem... I think he's done a lot of work for... Done a lot of work for charity. He's done a lot of work for charity. I mean, he's... He's had a lot of work. He's what?

And it's always amazed me that this... He's certainly had a lot of work. But there's a term. What if you've got the fly glasses? It's much cheaper than getting the work done. He revealed on, I think it was Graham Norton, that he had cataracts. Yeah, but that doesn't mean why you have to wear the fly glasses.

It means why you have to wear shades. He had his cataracts and the edges, hair loss problems, and in between them. Once I'd bought the fly glasses, I'd have phoned up my PR and said, the next album I want me sitting on an enormous dog turd. Sort it!

I'd have said and then I'd have put the phone down. That's how you've got to talk to them. My worry is that the rest of the bands aren't going to be, they're not that kind of band that are going to kind of have fun with this, are they? Who is it? The Edge, Adam Clayton

and the other one? Five years time there could be a girl band. No way it's going to happen. Hey, hey, The Edge could get one of those hats with the girl's hair stuck on it. You know at the fancy dress thing? When they have the baseball cap with the Russ Abbott orange wig.

I love your A, A. That was very... It was like Crying Thingy from Red Dwarf. Great job. It's my working class roots come out. Thank you for helping me out with that. It doesn't exist. It's my working class roots. Yeah, but he could have the hat, Frank,

with the hair attached to it. That would be splendid. Ah! It'd be great. But I don't think it's going to happen because I think the rest of the band are a bit, you know, they're not that much fun. So, like, now there's an opportunity

where Bono, temporarily, as far as we know, is the only woman in the band. So there could be the chance, like, the day after that comes out, where he's like, actually, could I have this tea a little bit browner? And the rest of the band are like, ooh, hark at her!

They could be doing a lot of bants, couldn't they? But I bet they're actually going, oh, we're not going to make fun of you, because we actually really respect your charity work. Well, I respect his charity work, come on. Yeah, but you still make fun of him. Oh, you respect anything. Well, no, I like, you work, come on. Yeah, but you still make fun of him. You respect anything. Well, no, I like, you know, he's obviously a man of some determination.

I mean, he's still on my iTunes. Still on the iTunes. I've tried prizing his fingers off individually, but he won't let go. He's still there. I noticed the other day, he's still there. And he does do a lot of foundation work. Does he live now? Monaco, is it?

I can't remember. One of those. Is it Monaco? Yeah. I think he did Gwen Stefani's foundation work. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a message in from 797. Okay. Sort of a complaint, really. Oh. Or in from 797. OK.

Sort of a complaint, really. Oh. Or just picking us up on something. They're really stroppy today. Yeah. What's going on with everyone? Frank Stain, it says Frank Stain, was the man who made the monster.

That's Richard from Sheffield. But I thought we'd made it clear. Guess what? What? I knew that. Frankenstein. I've been saying the Frankenstein monster. In fact, I reduced it to FM.

Yeah. I think we might have even mentioned Dr. Frankenstein at some point. Did we say Victor? No. Yes. Well, it is one of those things that people say. Did you know? I think I was called Frankenstein in the Daily Mail.

I think they said Frank Skinner winners Frankenstein. And that isn't correct. So, yes, it is called Frankenstein in the Daily Mail. I think they said Frank Skinner went as Frankenstein. Oh. And that isn't correct. So, yes, it is the Frankenstein monster, but I don't think you can... I think I am a man more sinned against than sinning. Excellent. Pulpit voice, love it.

Yeah. Excellent. Have you seen Frankenstein's monster? Oh, well, you know, you can't stop him at parties. One good thing about Bono's things, I think all the people that were angry about Bob Dylan getting the Nobel Prize for Literature are now thinking, actually, that was perfectly reasonable,

as it turns out. And now they're angry about, you know, it's outrageous that Bono should be in this position. And then, if Donald Trump wins, people will say, that Bono thing was actually quite common sense. Bono can comment

when he gets Woman of the Year. Surely Bob can comment. Has Bob said anything yet? Yes, he said he was speechless. Oh, lovely. That was it. But then he did say, if he can possibly make the ceremony, he will. Oh, lovely. That was it. But then he did say if he can possibly make the ceremony, he will. Oh, that's nice. Which,

yeah, I'd be great. That's like us at the Archivers. I'd love to see Dylan get up there. Dylan did some acceptance speech once which was absolute like a poem. It was talking about music and stuff. It was brilliant. If we're going to be straight,

I think he would be a slightly more suitable contender for Woman of the Year. Let's leave it there. Bob Dylan. Yeah. He would be more easily mistaken as a female. Yeah, and if he could make it, he could send Leslie Joseph. Um, yes, well, I

wouldn't turn it down, let's put it that way. Woman of the year. If I was offered it, I'd take any prize I could get. Yeah. I don't blame Bono for it. You took Best Speech Radio, didn't you? Yeah, Best Speech Radio. Was that any more ridiculous?

Oh, thanks for correcting me, Dan. Bono said he had glaucoma rather than cataracts. OK, there you go. It's the accent, isn't it? I have a little bit of had glaucoma rather than cataracts. OK, there you go. It's the accent, isn't it? I have a little bit of the glaucoma. You know what's happening is I have a little bit of the glaucoma and that's why I'm wearing the shades. What did you say?

I was just saying, that's why I'm wearing the shades. Anyway, let's have a little sing song. Oh, I'm sorry. Anyway, let's have a little sing song Some of them are under-reporting of U2's career Have a little sing song The tragic thing is that I was then going to do a U2 song in that accent And I just couldn't think of one Oh, you know some I've never been a fan You couldn't think of one

I can think of one Vertigo Oh, one One, you couldn't think of That's a can think of one. One. Vertigo. Oh, one. One. Yeah. You couldn't think of... That's a U2 song. I don't know.

I didn't know. I didn't know they were numbered. One. I thought they had... Oh, right. I didn't know it was one plus one. This is embarrassing. I don't like this argument.

I'm not coming at it. You just shouting one. Yeah, exactly. One. Yeah. The Spanish bloke's coming from next door. One? Yeah, exactly.

One? Yeah. The Spanish bloke's coming from next door. Emily delivered a news story that seemed very up her stride. Glamour, women, all that kind of thing. I bring us some Coronation Street news. Oh, well, you are a Correspondent. Correspondent. Correspondent.

You know what, I've had so many monitors on this show. That just happened then. That's made my day around 11% better. Can I just say, when a joke is born. There you go. Lovely. Kevin Kennedy.

You were all there at the birth. Yeah. Here's the cigars. Indeed. Kevin Kennedy, who used to be Curly Watts on the show, went on Lorraine's. Al, I'm really sorry to interrupt. When you say used to, still is always will be. Carry on.

Good. Good shout. Do you understand? It's a bit like Boone. He's one of those. Love, joy. Can I say at this point? Yes.

That I... There are certain celebrities who come, they're sort of conjoined for me, that I can't separate one from the other. I'm kind of getting mixed up and I've... Curly, there's only one Curly. No, I've always got Curly mixed up with Lofty. Oh, yeah, similar.

Yes. Yep, they were absolutely the same, cast in bracket, weren't they? Yeah, and even when I... when I saw this in the paper, I thought, oh, it's that Arsenal bloke, and it isn't that Arsenal bloke. Tom Watt, I believe he was called. Tom Watt, yeah, of course. Do you think there's one in Emmerdale who's a sort of curly, lofty character?

There must be. The older one. Yeah. That could have been me. That'd be a lovely part for you, Al. Tom Stool Malua. I can't separate them in my mind. Good shout, yeah.

Cannot separate them. What about Hiddleston, Redmayne? Yeah. Garfield, Butler. Differences between them couldn't be Sotler. Talk about Brit actors. Talk about Brit actors. No, but they,

Hiddleston, Redmayne, they're all the same. All the same, love. I'm sure they're not, but I mean, in my mind. We'll say this about Kevin Kennedy, who you said always will be about Curly Watts. He was asked about it on the show,

and he took what I think is a refreshing approach of saying, I would love to go back. I would absolutely love to play Curly Watts again. Whereas I think a lot of them are like, well, I'm doing other projects, I'm spending more time with my family, I've got my songwriting or whatever. And he just, he said,

if ever there was a chance to go back, I would love it. He took a Frank Skinner slash Doctor Who approach on television to beg for the job. I have always said that when somebody leaves a soap opera and say they're doing other projects they mean a big jigsaw at home

every day. But why was he on for doing something else? I think he sings, but he was mid-interview. He's not dwarf of the year. No, I don't think so. Not his towering stature. I think he might sing.

I think he travels and sings. Oh, does he? But he was on, and Lorraine pointed out that his jeans had the John Lewis security tag on there. Yes. As if he was, you know, a petty thief. He went, I am from Manchester. And she said, oh, went, I am from Manchester.

And she said, oh, no, don't say that. She panicked at the Mancunian. I think she was already picturing the switchboard light up, not realising that Manchester... Not realising that they actually need to talk about strawberry stalks. Al, have you seen what I'm calling the director's cut, which is the sort of Blade Runner version, slightly longer, about two minutes longer. I've watched the whole thing,

because it was one of my favourite stories, this. And what's quite mortificado is that immediately prior to Lorraine saying, oh, you've got a tag on your jean, he says, well, I always say to my son, look, Daddy's very lucky. Daddy is at the top of the tree in this industry. Daddy's right at the top. And just at that minute, Lorraine says,

you've got a tag on your tree. I mean, it couldn't come at a worse time. Well, he is very lucky if he could get out of the shop with it on. How did he get out of the shop? I mean, it's a big question mark about... It's like when, you know, somebody appears in the Queen's bedroom. You've got to question the whole... It's like those guys on the Olympic winners' coach.

The whole security system is under question. Well, especially as it was from John Lewis, which, as we know, I do a lot of work for now. I don't. I was interviewed by them. There's no way that he got out under the laser beam, a man of his height. Just wriggled through like Mission Impossible. I've gone out with a tag on before.

Have you? Well, not intentionally, I should add. I've paid for with a tag on before. Have you? Well, not intentionally, I should add. I've paid for the said goods. Yeah, and did the alarm go off? Well, it might have. Sometimes there's just a mistake with the, like, the dibber, isn't there? I think people are too frightened to approach me, because they think I'll sue

them or something. Of course, I spent the whole story thinking, well, he's 55, he shouldn't have jeans on. Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Zero through zero, morning, every soap has an oddball. Every soap has an oddball, yeah. Benny in Crossroads, Sam Dingle in Emmerdale.

Benny in Crossroads. He had an edge-type hat, didn't he? Yes. He in Crossroads. He had an edge-type hat, didn't he? Yes. He did, yeah. I've told you before, I think, about when I met him in a pub. Real name? I went, Paul Henry. Very good.

I went into a pub in Birmingham, and he was working behind the bar. I love the glamour of this anecdote. He may have owned, I mean, he may have owned the pub, to be fair to him, but he worked behind the bar anyway. And there's an old movie called Mephisto. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it's about this guy who plays the devil in a play. And there's an amazing scene in it where it's set in Nazi Germany

and the Nazis are sitting in the box in the theatre, call up the star. They want to meet him during the interval. And there's a bit where he arrives in the Nazis' box. And he's still dressed, still made up as the devil. And he shakes hands. And it cuts down to the audience looking up at these Nazis shaking hands with the devil. It's an incredible scene.

And that was the mood in the pub when I shook hands with Paul Henry in Birmingham. It was shock and awe. In Birmingham, remember, this is. It wouldn't have happened anywhere else. I suppose he was one of those. And if I want a China, I do have a China. Miss Diane?

That's when he wanted a Chinese meal. Oh. Somebody accused him of being and getting ideas above his stage. That's what Absolute said to us and we ordered croissant. Remember there was an urban myth about us having all pastries? There was at this station.

As urban myths go. It wasn't the best. No, they could have stretched it. Didn't take a hit on that one, did they? I was in Tommy Hilfiger. Is it figure or figer? Hilfiger. Go figure.

Yeah. I was in Tommy Hilfiger. Not Timmy, darling. Timmy. Timmy! Timmy! Do you remember that in South Park? It was very funny.

Anyway, I did... Imagine if we said that, Harry. Chow to us. What about the episode of Seinfeld? You're right. Remember that in South Park. It's very funny. Anyway, I think... Imagine if we said that, Harry. Chow to us. Or the episode of Seinfeld. Remember that in South Park? It was hilarious. It's my bad. It's my breaking bad. It's all my bad. Oh, Mr Yankee Doogle

suddenly. So, I was in there and I was eyeing a sheepskin. My bad. Remember South Park? I think Frank's now being played by someone else and this is an episode of Quantum Leap or something. My bad. Remember South Park? I think Frank's now being played by someone else and this is an episode of Quantum Leap or something. My bad. So I was in Tommy Hilfiger. And he's talking about Tommy Hilfiger.

And I was looking, you know that sheepskin coat of mine? Yes, I do. Remember her? Well, I was going to try it on, so I pulled it on the rack and an alarm went off. And I stood in the shop holding this thing. And there was four guys worked in there, all young, good-looking, very well-dressed black guys.

And such was the level of their coolness, they were unable to run towards me. They had to walk up. It was like the slowest response to a shop alarm of all time. They just sidled over and told me to put it back on the rack. It was a beautiful moment. Did you buy it slightly out of spite? I've done that.

No, I wasn't angry with them. I liked the way they handled it all so calmly. I just bought it because I like the idea of having a sheep on me. Oh, it suits you. Frank Skinner on the radio. I went to a party once, and the lady had... There was a lady there in evening wear, and she had the tag on. I say a party.

It was a party thrown by Domenico and Stefano. That's Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana. Oh, OK. Dolce and Gabbana events. As long as it was their label I suppose it's all right. Well, yes, but you sort of have to wear Dolce and Gabbana to one of their events. That's sort of the thing.

It's considered bad manners not to. It's considered very bad manners. Yeah, sorry about that, Al. But she turned up and she had a sort of thing it's considered bad manners not to yeah it's considered very bad manners so um yeah sorry about that al but um she turned up and she had a sort of coat dress it was a journalist for the sunday times i was invited to steve pink's one i had to wear a purple suit anyway she had the tag still on a security tag they'd forgotten to take it off where she'd bought and i said i don't think you can wear that she said i'd rather wear this with the tag on than something else. Oh, really? So she knew

it was there? Yeah, so she went round with the tag. I mean, it was huge. It was on the back. This big, black security tag sticking out. Did it look cool though, the tag? No, it looked absolutely awful. I'd have decorated it so that everyone knew I knew. What Domenico and Stefano thought, I don't know. I'd have just written...

Because they don't speak very good English. No. I'd have written D and G on it in silver paint. They all think in English. That's what I'd have done. Sorry? I'd have written D and G on it in silver paint. You know that one where you have to press the nib just to... Yeah.

That's a great idea. Faced it out. That's what I do. I'm all about facing it out. I'd have written G and D and caused a big row between them. Oh, it was a sort of cross shape. I've said to you, it should be G&D, done a starter with that again. I went to Joe Dolce. Oppressed. I once packed. Oppressione.

I should have said oppressed. Oppressione. I once packed and went away to do a comedy club in Cardiff and I put in two different brown Clarks shoes but one right and one left and I was killing time on the afternoon. I thought, I'm just wearing these. I just wore two different shoes. How did they look? Odd. Did people think...

I mean, literally odd. By definition. Yeah, yeah. Did people think... Do you think that that was a sort of statement that you were making, because you were a quirky comic? Well, what I thought was...

You know, people who wear different coloured socks? It's a bit Emo Phillips, maybe. I thought, I'll just go to the cinema where nobody will see them, so I just went to the cinema and I had trainers for the gig so I was alright. It's fine. Sometimes life's not that bad, is it? What about when I got interviewed about Kate Middleton's style

and it was hair and make-up done lovely, all perfect only afterwards someone at install said, Emily, you've got your top on inside out. Oh. It's shown about 14 times a year, this clip. But that became fashionable, didn't it, the inside out top? It did after I wore it.

I once was meeting a mate for lunch and I arrived and he did, you know, the Mr Spock, that sort of V? Oh, yeah. What's he said, you know the Mr Spock, that sort of V? Oh, yeah. What's he said? Peace and... Whatever. I feel confident our listeners will know. The Mr Spock. Anyway, the Mr Spock thing, yeah.

And I don't know why he'd done it, and I realised I'd got Star Trek socks on both legs. You know when you have one, the trousers are slightly stuck in the sock? Oh, yeah. I got them on both legs. It was, they were Star Trek. From the waist down, I was Star Trek. Oh, dear.

Frank Skinner on the radio. Well, you won't believe this. I saw a woman the other day in Camden, a young woman. Oh, yeah. And she had, like, a big hole in the knee of her jeans. Not one knee, but both knees. No. They were all torn at the knee.

Oh, my goodness. Can you... I mean... Did you bring it up? I mean, I thought, what kind of friends wouldn't tell you about that? It's very difficult to buy jeans without rips now. Were her knees grazed at all? Do you think she just had a stumble? I mean, I could still see a slight reddening from her morning prayers.

But, no, it was a peculiar... And then I saw another bloke. You could see his underpants. Oh. Oh. You wouldn't complain if that was Bieber, though. He's got a... No, that's different. That would be different if he even bothers.

I imagine he's in the Madeley section. Frank, live long and prosper. Thank you, of course. One of our readers still living at home. Thank you for that. No, no, no. That is so unjust. What's wrong with living at home. Thank you for that. No, no, no. That is so unjust. What's wrong with living at home?

Live long at home and prosper. I had a big soul searching about whether the Frankenstein monster would have worn socks. Really tortured myself. You can't imagine him putting on socks. Did you wear a shoe? Hey, Frank, what did you wear for this shoe? I just took a big, chunky boot. Lovely.

Yeah, he's sensible. Sturdy shoe, that's him. I don't want to see the Frankenstein monster in flip-flops. No, exactly. Or a winkle picker. Or a court shoe. Pink beret. So, I wonder what his pants was like.

What, Frankenstein monster? Yeah, you want to see horror, you want to see his pants. Anyway, look, enough of this. And thank you so much for listening this morning. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again next Saturday morning. Now get out.

Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.