The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Gwynnie Pig

Episode Date: August 24, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team are joined by Steve Hall. Frank has been in on a practical joke with Jonathan Ross that didn't go according to plan and the team discuss celebrity library curators.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us today. Good morning. Good morning, Steve. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website So Steve, it's been a while

It's been a while, it's lovely to see you I think it's the first time I haven't introduced you as Steve M.T. Hall I was used to that It was never caught on I could say Frank sellout Skinner because I saw

your full, because I saw a full room I sawner because I saw your full... Because I saw a full room. I loved your Edinburgh show. I'm so glad you added that caveat because my heart was in my mouth when you said Frank Sellout Skinner. This has been a very successful run. I know.

No, we all know that. But yeah, it was lovely Edinburgh. Many aspects. Every time I turned on the telly, he'd pop up on some... Here we are at the Fringe and my guests are... And there'd be Frank. You've got to sell your wares.

Oh, I know. When I went to see the show, we got guided through and I bumped into you on your stage. We didn't know where we were being led to and suddenly we were on the stage. Steve and Russell Howard just passing through my stage. What do you mean? Really? I thought it was one of those

flash mobs. Does that still happen? Oh yeah, they do the flash mobs, like the proposals. I think they've stopped. I think they were a flash mob in the pan. They've moved on. Welcome back. Kinda, kinda. I'll tell you what I noticed was a very big thing in Edinburgh,

which is not exactly a flash mob, but in that family, was the silent disco. Yes, there was a lot of silent discos. I saw many of them. They love a bit of I Want to Dance with Somebody in Whitney Houston. Well, I don't know what they love, because I can't hear it. No, they sing along to it, these people. The ones I saw, there was a kid's one I saw,

and I saw, I think, three adult ones. Should we explain, Frank, in case people don't know what that is? Yeah, basically, they go down the street and they've all got headphones on so you can't hear the music, and they are throwing their hands in the air and stuff. I think there's a man who's synchronising their moves to some extent. So it looks like some sort of mad hysteria, but even the hystericals tend to make a noise.

Yeah. Yeah, so it's... I like the rage it creates in people who don't like it, who are watching them. On Twitter... Yeah, people do get that. People get absolutely furious. It reminds...

There's a thing that religious people used to say, is that those that dance are thought mad by those that cannot hear the music. Well, that is, yeah, that should be the motto. Can I just say, can we add that if the music's the fall, I mean, that's fair enough. Well, I can't agree with that, of course. Okay, I know. I can't agree with that, of course. Okay, I know.

I actually met in a... Just more or less in the halfway house between toilet and pub, I met a member of the four. Could have left the last line. Anyway. And we had a chance to talk Marky Smith in a sentimental and emotional way, so that was lovely. Not which one? Mr Greenway. I've got memories of Marky Smith going, Green. Not much one. Mr. Greenway, that's the only...

I've got memories of Mark Smith going, Greenway! No, it wasn't Greenway. Mr. Greenway? Was he a character in Grain Chill? He sounded like a caretaker. Mr. Greenway! He was one of the last sort of...

There was always like little mini geniuses in the four under the great umbrella of Mark Smith's enormous genius. It was at a Garrett Millerick gig oh he's fantastic Garrett Millerick I must say if you haven't seen him

I hadn't seen him before oh no I thought he was fantastic Steve it's not your fault but whenever you come on he starts mentioning weird people it's going to be

Dick City you say that now but it's going to be massive in a year and you'll say Frank I can't believe you led the way Garrett has an unusual name but he's just a brilliant stand-up.

He's just a very, very good stand-up. He is very funny. We've got that out of the way. Okay, that's it. He's plonked. I want to ask you a question. As you went for the pond early, this just occurred to me the other day.

Free Willy. Okay, this isn't an advert. Thanks for the tip. I don't want people to think the adverts have started Free Willy is it a pun

on Free Will oh oh that's a terrible pun no but Free Will is a big thing and Free Willy because it's

isn't it about the fish escaping and stuff like that is it a fish or a mammal or whatever don't pitch films ever it's about the fish escaping and stuff like that? Is it a fish or a mammal or whatever? Don't pitch films ever. It's about the fish escaping.

I'll be honest with you, I haven't seen Free Willis. I don't know what it's about. You raise a very good point. Maybe it could be that that was the creator's original intent and they're horrified that it's been taken. Because if it's about a captive fish then going into the ocean, I'm thinking maybe I'm getting mixed up with finding Nemo. It must be.

But who thought of that? Free will. Can you imagine saying free will just out of why? Yeah. Why not? Why not call him Will then? I wish I'd been at that meeting. Why not call the fish Will?

Because you're giving it, they'll see it straight away. The idea is in 2000 and what is it? 19. That somebody thinks, hold and, what is it, 19, that somebody thinks, hold on, as I did in Edinburgh. Free will, of course, free will. Free willy. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've heard from one of our, well, I was going to say one of our readers,

but also, I'm going to call this person one of your fans, Frank. This is Jack from Liverpool. Hi all, last week at the Fringe, I had the pleasure of meeting Frank after one of his shows. Plenty of praise redacted. Ever the charmer, Frank... Oh, okay. Frank stopped

and posed for photos and even signed my copy of his stand-up diaries. In the book, he often talks about my favourite book, The Discovery of Heaven. Harry Moolish. Harry Moolish, and how he attempts to finish it by the end of the tour. Unfortunately, I was left on somewhat of a cliffhanger

as the mystery is left open. All weekend, I'd been telling myself and friends that should I meet Frank, I would ask whether he ever did finish the book. But in my 13-year-old girl-like fandom, I bottled it. So, did Frank finish his Moolish? Well, I'll tell you the thing is... This is Jack. I've heard people say this before, that they've had a book and they say, I don't want to finish it.

Yeah. And I did, that's one of the few books i really because usually i'm hungry if i'm loving the book i'm going to get to the end of it but with the moolish i did think oh god i'm going to miss this it's going to be like a friend emigrating um so i did string it out but yeah i did finish it but only this week i was thinking you know what i might read that again because i've never been moolish i'm i'm that again. More moolish. I've read other moolish, but none of them, they're all good, not as good as that. What's it about?

Oh, what's it about? Oh, yesterday, it's about life. It's partly about friendship, but there's a sort of mystical element to it as well. And it's about Fidel Castro's Cubaa northern europe in the 50s whatever it's brilliant yeah he's not an author are you familiar with him no not a lot uh he's a dutch i think i don't read many dutch authors i'm going to be straight with you. No. By the way, we had a thing today. I dated a boy from Delft once. Delft? Yeah.

Where is that? Delft, I believe it's called. Oh, okay. Yeah. And was he? He was lovely. Okay. He wore his pants on the outside.

Remember there was a brief fashion. He was a superhero. Hang on. Let me tell you. He was incredible. He wore his pants. What are you shuffling with there, let me tell you. He was incredible. He wore his pants. What's you shuffling with there? I can hear you.

Have you got a deck of cards? I'm working with a croupier. I spoke this morning with the German channel. That's what it sounds like. He's delfed. Do you remember that fashion, boys, for hoiking your Calvins up above your waistband? Do you remember that?

I can never work out whether someone's done that or whether their trousers have gone the other way. No, it was a fashion thing. I thought that was a thing that sort of crisscrossed it or that 17-year-olds always do. Yes, this was a while ago. I didn't say I met a menor from Delft last week. Oh, I've named him.

Ah. Frank, we've also had... A visitor from Portlock. We've also... Do you know a visitor from Porlock we've also do you know a visitor from Porlock yes of course I do do you speak

I think I said that to you once when you called me Kubla Khan the reason that Samuel Taylor Coleridge gives for not finishing his poem

Kubla Khan is in the midst of the reverie in which it was written he had a visitor from Porlock came and disturbed him. Never says who he is or anything. I'm sure it's documented

somewhere. But it's a great excuse for not doing so. It sounds like a euphemism for needing the toilets or something like that. I'm sorry there's a visitor. I think in the Joe Orton play, a reason for not going somewhere is I'm anticipating the delivery of a plum tree. I remember somebody uses their stock excuse.

Ben Weeks has been in touch. Okay. Do you know Ben Weeks? From Haverhill. Where? He's very upset with Gareth. Oh, Gareth. Oh, okay.

Gareth was on the show last week due to ill health on my part. Should we leave this as a cliffhanger? Well, yeah, I'll just tell you the first few words. I'm apoplectic with rage at Gareth. Wow. We'll be back after this. On Absolute Radio.

Oh, yes. We're on a cliffhanger. We're on tenterhooks. So this man is apoplectic with rage. Can you be apoplectic with anything else? Good point. You know some of these words get yoked together, like juvenile delinquent.

I give you spate of cancellations. Exactly exactly or burglaries funny they say in america burglarized they say i was burglarized and it was that sounds more physical to me yeah i was gonna say i don't there's something i found a bit strange about it they say my friend was burglarized okay like i woke when woke up, I'd been burglarised. I don't like... There's no reason why, but it makes me feel like something a character in a Bugs Bunny cartoon would say.

You're burgled. Burgled is nice. So this is from Ben Weeks. He says he's apoplectic with rage at Gareth. Would you mind, Frank, just for those who are joining us freshly, giving them a potted history of what's happened. There might be people who have never heard the show before.

Exactly. And if they're still with us, they're still with us, I'll tell them this. Gareth was the original, one of the original presenters with me and Emily on the show. The original presenter with me and Emily. The OG. And he was in Edinburgh at the Edinburgh Festival recently doing his stand-up show and he was

on the free fringe and that means at the end of the show a bucket is held at the door and you put in the money that you think the show deserves. So Emily put in 10 quid but she dropped 20 quid on the floor, which the holder of the bucket assumed just picked up and put in the bucket. So Emily was in a situation where she put 30 quid in accidentally. And then last week we had Gareth on the show and explained this. Yes. And Gareth's reaction to this story. What was his reaction? I don't know.

He was pretty blase about it and thought fortune had favoured him. Well, I'll say it had. Ben says, I'm apoplectic with rage at Gareth and his cavalier attitude towards Emily's accidental donation of an extra £20 to him. It is not for Gareth to decide as to whether Emily, in quotes, can afford it, close quotes. You have an insight into what was said behind my back?

Yeah. He clearly should have at least offered her the money back. If Gareth is so desperate for this windfall at the possible expense of a friend... Wow. Can I say that in contrast with what he identifies as a cavalier attitude,

I'm not sure about Ben Weeks about his round head attitude to money and social decorum. You never hear that. I'd say, well, yeah, I mean, his round head behaviour.

His round head attitude. You mean, his roundhead behaviour. How dare you be so... His roundhead attitude. You've been so roundheaded with my feelings. Exactly, exactly. Shall we start saying it to people? It works. Doesn't it? It's about being very sort of formalised and very dour.

Yes, yes. Yes. I wouldn't ever want to be Ben Weeks' secret Santa. He seems quite a Criticism heavily redacted now what I would say to you Ben I think there might be a bit of irony I think Ben's one of ours

you know I think he's but what I would say Ben is you know what he's not wrong it's fine I'm happy to if I'm going to lose £20 I would be happy losing it to Gareth, which I did. This is...

I'm listening to the show as a fan when I'm on it. This is a saga that's run and run. Well, I went to Gareth's show. Did you? Did you put money in the bucket? Well, I went on his 40th birthday. So I thought it would be ill-advised

to combine that with not putting money. I just put a big cake in there on top of all the change. How much money did you put in the bucket? I put £10 in the bucket. Oh, me too, except it turned out to be £30. I thought that was a risk. Bear in mind... Yeah, me too.

Because most of the shows I go to, the paying shows, I don't pay. So the only times I pay in Edinburgh is when I go to the free fringe, which is a bit ironic. Is this a sign of old age? I don't know what it's a sign of. The audience are wondering what you're showing me at this point. It's a sign of, whoa! Not from this side of the desk, my friend.

All's in very good working order. No, I'm under the desk. No, no, bang. It's a sign of, when I go to shows, does everyone do this? And this shows me in a very bad light. I spend the first five minutes counting the amount of seats exactly, remembering the ticket price and doing calculations in my head as to what they've

made that evening and then I work out how many nights they're doing it Does everyone do this? No. Oh okay. My manager does it and that's it but I saw Jackie Mason once and he claimed that that's what his Jewish fans always did that they looked and said how much is

he making and he said and all my what is it, my Gentile, they're all saying how old is he what is he making? And he said, and all my, what is it? My Gentile, they're all saying, how old is he? What is he, 93? Is he 98? That's all they talk about.

Yeah, my friend Ashley Blaker, who is the UK's only Orthodox Jewish stand-up comedian, he says exactly the same thing. He does that. They always come up to her and say, and the first,

before they even say we enjoyed the show, they'll say, we think you made about 4,000 pounds. Wow. So I know what you made, Frank. I'm going'll say, we think you made about 4,000 points. Wow. So I know what you made, Frank. Steve is Jewish, by the way.

Yeah, he's allowed to say that. So, Frank, I won. And so is Jackie McIntyre. I don't think there's any doubt about that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I say I'm very excited to see, and so are some of our readers, that on Monday evening there's a show called A Musical,

which is on, I believe it's called A Musical, at 9 o'clock on Comedy Central. And it's comics doing... Do you know what it is, Frank? Yes, it's a sort of an elaborate karaoke night with comedians doing show tunes. It's a brilliant show. I've seen it live a lot. It's Kiri Pritchard-McLean and Jade Adams. And one of the guests this week is Frank Skinner. Indeed. I've seen a still of you. I'm very excited to see the actual thing.

Yes, I am Annie. I know, I'm looking at you now in the red dress. Yeah, I do a slight cheat on it because my favourite song from Annie, and I love many of the songs from Annie, can I say, I would do a medley if you like. Best use of Bo Bromley ever. Exactly, yes.

Is that the one you sing? It is. You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile is such an amazing sentiment and a great song, but she doesn't actually sing it. She hears the children in the orphanage join in. Is that right? But she sings it on a musical.

That's quite brave as well, because that's a high range. You've got to hit some high notes there. It's such a great song, though. Oh, the joy of it. And, of course, I wore the little red dress with the white trim. So I see here. How do you rehearse for that?

Are we talking practicing in the bathroom? I've been rehearsing for it for the last 25 years so it's been okay I bet he went to one of those those coaches Sandy I'm gonna call him

Sandy it's a hard not life alright okay who was that who was that voice coach from the 70s everyone used to go to

that was Tony DeBrett yeah I went to Tony DeBrett you did I know you know I've told this story many times everyone used to go to. Tona de Bret? Yeah. I went to Tona de Bret. You did? I know, you know, I've told this story many times, but I might not have told Steve.

Before I went to see Tona de Bret, it was an old lady who was very, oh, do come in, like that. And someone said, she's the biggest name dropper you'll ever meet in your life. And I said, well, I've met a few. I do a bit myself. He hadn't met me by that point and she's these guys are not like

toner I'm embrace yourself so I went to her house come in boy she lived never and because she did the lessons at her house she taught Johnny Rotten was one of her claims to find the great rock and roll anyway I knocked on the door and she opened the door and said she struggled to open the door but a bit. She said, I'm sorry about this door. It's never been the same since Benny Hill used it for a sketch. I was still on the step. Is that nominative determinism? Tona Debray.

Oh, Tona. Tona. Yeah, maybe. That's her real name. It's not a nickname. Well, I never asked her that. I never asked Tona DeBrett. I don't know if I ever called her Tona.

I think I wanted to call her Madame DeBrett, which is, I know it's the sort of thing you might call a cat, but a cat or an old lady who teaches singing are the only people you could call Madame DeBrett, I think. But, yeah, it felt like that kind of set-up. She's very nice, I must say. and i don't mind a name drop no great i'm fine can't replace the toner i've already dinked on garrett miller this morning and you haven't done dick fiddy yet though steve 7 00 has uh been in touch oh yeah linked to people calculating how much your stand-up was making.

I used to work at a historic house that was frequently used as a wedding venue. The wedding guests, without fail, could be divided into two categories. Those who asked how old the building was and those who asked how much I thought the couple had spent on their wedding. Oh, wow.

Have we had any free... We haven't got time now. Have we had any free will? Is it upon on free will? Well, we we had any free... We haven't got time now. Have we had any free willy? Is it upon on free will? Well, we've had one character... Okay, hold out. Okay. Hold out on that.

Free willy news coming up. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We've heard from someone about... Is it upon on free will? I feel like we may have tantalised you unduly. I know. He hasn't really shed a...

So David in St Albans has said, I believe it is a pun on free will. Nothing concrete that would stand up in a court of law, but the internet seems to think it is. Oh, okay. So he's gone on a big lengthy journey. Someone, do you notice when I was saying it, I said the fish, and then I said, or is it a mammal?

Knowing that if it was the whale thing, that someone would send in the mammal. Someone did send in the mammal. Someone has sent in the mammal. A whale is a mammal. Is he? I'm surprised no one's ever brought that up before. Anyway, I did say, or is it a mammal?

Just to help everyone out. That was from 010, sorry. Is that like a version of, is there a smug version of Big Mo? Smug Mo. Well, they're all smug, the Big Mos. So you tell people. A big moment is when you tell people something that everyone knows. But anyway.

Yeah. Thanks for joining in. Wow. people something that everyone knows but anyway yeah thanks for joining me um wow i um i i tear speaking of um you know sometimes something's happening in my life and i think have i lost lost touch with reality i thought i said last week it was when i found up saying that the sold out flashes on my posters weren't quite big enough this week it was when i texted my pa to ask my car registration number oh my word you didn't did you see i don't often know mine frank no but what happened yours i i don't have a car oh i'm gonna see that's that's one of the big pluses of being poor. I imagine if I said that,

there'd be an effigy of me hanging outside Absolute Radio. Kill the monster. I was arranging parking for the weekend, and they said, what's your car registration number? And I'd left my car at the gatehouse of this hotel I was at and i thought i don't want to phone up there and say what's frank skinner's registration number they might think i was some sort of dangerous i know the hotel person and so i texted my pa to ask him i've had this car just under eight years. Steve, can I just say, I don't believe that for a minute. I don't believe, Frank, that you were too...

You thought they might think it was strange. I thought you were ashamed because you didn't know your registration number in front of the hotel people. No, I wouldn't be ashamed of that. I know. I think that makes me sound like a sort of... I mean, I've just mentioned it on National Radio, for example. Maybe this is an incentive to get a personalised number plate,

just so if it was fun time one. Well, I don't know if we... Someone has got in touch about personal number plates. Oh, yeah. Didn't we have a communication regarding that on our list? Oh, I've got to find it here. Oh, here we go. Yeah.

Hi, Frank. Sorry, it's for Alan and me. That's fine. We accidentally received a copy of Reg Transfers this month. Reg Transfers is the personalised number plate journal. And notice that it has Chris Eubank Jr. His car has, drumroll. I've noticed that it has Chris Eubank Jr.

His car has, drumroll, EU13ANK. Breathe out, everybody, it's okay. Will there ever be a perfect plate? It's not bad, that, though, is it? Because 13 is quite a convincing B. Yeah. I like my Bs to be better formed than that.

Well, I know what you mean. I bet Eubank Jr. is pretty happy with that, I would have thought. I mean, I wonder if his dad, if anybody's got a personalised number in the world, it would be Chris Eubank. Surely. He drives that giant Hummer. He had one of those, like, 18-wheelers or whatever.

Yeah. But I have seen a video footage of Chris Eubank Jr. driving through in a Lamborghini or one of those cars, those cars you see outside Harrods, you know. Yeah. Driving through a Jim Karner. No, but people sort of clapping him, saying, you know, he just, he likes to pose in the car. Oh, yeah, well, that's all part of him.

I'm all for that. My brother said to me, when I had a Volkswagen Polo when I went to his house. You did the same. He said, I wish you'd turn up one time in like a Cadillac and maybe wearing one of those silky cowboy shirts. And you know what? Silky cowboy shirts.

I never did. Steve! We just had a quick correction. Sorry, Steve. That was so Alan Partridge. I loved it. Steve! I was thinking when Esther Anson used to go,

Cyril. And he'd go, this is the tale of Billy Bulls who went around neglecting tools. Come on, carry on. Mark in Birmingham says Free Willy's actually an orca, which is actually a dolphin. It says correctione.

So it is a fish. Yeah, a number of other people... Orca word! A number of other people, sorry, have got in touch with regards to that and said exactly the same. Okay. Okay.

But no one, thank you for that, but no one's... Is there any evidence that Free Willy is a pun on the phrase free will? No. I think we need to check an IMDB, find out the writer's name and ask him direct. He'll be dead, won't he? Surely.

The Kaiser has also got in touch with us. Oh, really? OK. To say, killer whales are dolphins not whales ok Kaiser to be fair to the guy who said they're mammals if you're going to call it a killer whale you are going to mislead

people aren't you lay off the whale almost willfully anyway Steve who are you it's nice to be back. I was very excited last week listening to the show, Frank, where you bigged up to the Listies.

You said it was the funniest kids' show you'd seen. Yes, this was the Australian double-edged listies. You see, I wasn't here last week. My family said the Listies, which is two Australian guys. God, they were funny. It was such a funny kid's show. Oh, really? I mean, I really laughed as well as my seven-year-old. And my 77-year-old.

And my 49-year-old. I was extremely excited to hear it because one of the Listies is my wife's old housemate in Melbourne. Wow. So there was a nice little circularity. If only Arthur C. Clarke was still alive, we could phone him to put that on his strange world of Arthur C. Clarke. So I've seen the Listies many times.

Which one? Was it what my son described as the less silly one? It was the more silly one. Oh, it was the more silly one, okay. It was Matt, not Richie. Okay. Now, they are fun. I mean, have they gone back home now?

Yes, I think. They ought to tour. Believe me, I watch a lot of kids' shows and most of them are rubbish. I know, but I don't like it when you give these people advice. When he goes backstage sometimes with his little tips. You ought to tour because you're so good. No, that is okay, but some of your tips aren't.

It's impossible for me. I mean, Steve's a director of stand-up. But whenever I see, I always think, oh, that would have been better if blah, blah, blah. I know, but there's a time in a play. Should I not tell them? No, not when it's at the Apollo and it's the last night of a tour.

Well, I said it to Andrew Lloyd Webber when I went to the Sound of Music. I said can I just say one thing and he said please don't. And I said when that bit comes in it ought to come in a bit later so we get a chance to applaud. And he never

I used to get invited to his premieres I never got invited again to any. His face fell. Even further. Why can't you control yourself sometimes with the advice? Well, you could say it's a kindly thing to offer. I think most comics would, this is slightly crawly, most comics would be pleased to get advice from you. Well, they can always reject.

They can reject it. Do you know what I'm saying? And they do. Yeah, well, they're fine. And where are they now? Yeah, but Frank, you can't go up. I mean, Frank's going to go up after the mousetrap. I just had some

tips if you want to keep this show on the road. It's when you do it. Okay? It's a work in progress. This is a thing you've witnessed a lot then? Yes, I've known the man. 30 years of hurt. Tim Key was on the show and he was saying, yeah, well, after you came to see me

you gave me a couple of tips. Did you give Ross Noble as well? I mean, everyone he's seen, he gives tips. I must stop doing it. The thing is, to be fair, if on the rare occasions people do it to me, I despise them for it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So it's been about a year since I've last been on the air with you. No, I can't talk to you about HR. You catch me at a strange time, because my wife and kids are visiting Australia. They're visiting Grandma and Grandpa in Swan Hill, in the country of Victoria. So we catch you at your happiest. Well, except that we've also given our flat to some Home Swap guests from Australia.

So I've had to stay for the last three weeks at my mum and dad's house in my childhood bedroom. Wow. They've been in the same house for 40 years. With all those Sheena Easton posters. Yeah, it's... Australians do like, and I say this very lovingly, because I'm Antipodean,

I feel I'm allowed, they do like to drop in. They love a bit of travel. They love a bit of travel, they love a bit of turning up on your doorstep. They used to say, we'd get relatives saying, hey, we're OS at the moment. Overseas. OS? We're coming OS, so we'll see doorstep. They used to say, we'd get relatives saying, hey, we're OS at the moment. Overseas. OS.

We're coming OS. We'll see you Thursday. They never asked. They would just assume it was okay. Okay. Okay. Well, I... It's a similar vibe.

I'm shocked and appalled. Clearly his ones are like this. They're very welcoming. But yeah, and so I'm literally on a... But the people who are in your house, are they part of your wife's family? No, no.

They are just Australians? Yeah, it's just a swap. Who are these people? What do you mean it's a swap? What are you talking about? It's like a free Airbnb, so you do it where you swap properties. Do you know about this, Frank?

So no money changes hands. No, I didn't know you could do that. It's like the movie The Holiday. It's like the barter system. Kate Winslet swaps a house with Cameron Diaz with hilarious moving results. In what film? A film called The Holiday.

I recommend you look at it. So you swap houses. So you find someone in LA and you think, they can come and stay in my house, I'll stay in theirs. Is it the one where Kate Winslet goes to watch a rugby match in a red dress? Probably, that's in every rom-com.

Well, I love Kate Winslet, as you know, but I'm not sure I've seen The Holiday. Did you see her Who Do You Think You Are? Oh, damn! No, has she done one? I'm just absorbing that. Her feet were in the way. Nine and a half.

She'd have been a great Mr Cellophane. Yeah. Anyway. Carry on, Steve. So everyone's done well at this set-up, apart from me. I'm on a single mattress on the floor of my childhood bedroom. I think looking back, a single mattress is enough. I remember switching to double bed when I was still single

and still no-one else slept in except me, thinking this is progress. I've since slept on single mattresses and thought this makes much more sense. Oh, no, I can't have that. My dog likes to go starfish. He spreads out. Well, I wouldn't have a dog in my bedroom, let alone in my bed.

OK. Even when we had dogs, I only ever let him in the bedroom once and he scratched a hole in my quilt. I know, but he wasn't sufficiently trained, your dog. And he pooed on the floor. Well, my dog wouldn't do that. He'd always do it in the bed. The very thought of Ray doing that. Is it Ray? Is it your dog?

Yeah, Raymond. Thank you. Raymond. Anyway, so it's been fascinating. My parents are now in their 70s, so it's fascinating catching up with them. What, nearly 10 years older than me? Is that what you're saying? That would be fascinating. Are they laboratory

specimens of some kind? Well, have you developed an obsession with electricity? I hate electricity and all its manifestations. That's my dad's big thing is, can you please make sure the lights are off? Oh yeah, I do that. Do you? Yeah. Because that is... Well, I do occasionally drop in the... If you actually pay the electricity bill, you think more about me. But also, we're now safe in the planet, so I've got, you know, I've got a lot of...

Oh, yeah. ..young people behind me as well, backing up my request. You've got the Gretas of this world. Yeah, exactly. Gretas on my side in this particular argument. I don't know how many she'd be prepared to back me up on. I don't know what you are.

I don't think my parents are particularly concerned with climate change. I think it's... Well, I'd just say it's a helpful back... It is definitely a good consequence. Yeah, exactly. They're just a bit 70s about bills. Do you remember the phone bill?

That was such an old thing. I'm a big fan of switching the lights off, for goodness sake. So I've heard, but it got you in a lot of trouble. My dad does it when I'm still awake. I'll be downstairs in the living room and my dad will switch the light off, leaving me in darkness. I don't like darkness. No, I wouldn't do that to you in darkness. I don't like darkness.

No, I wouldn't do that to you, Steve. That wouldn't be right. You haven't had a hit for ages. You can't listen to that. I'm with your parents on this. Switch those lights off. Also, are you paying any sort of board? I've offered them board. Oh, yeah.

With all those offers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, offered. Okay, great. But people say no to the first refusal. Because the first refusal is politeness. Oh, no, yeah, yeah. Yeah, offered, you know. Do you want to, oh, okay, great. But people say no to the first refusal because the first refusal is politeness.

Oh, no, no, no. How do you do the offer, Frank? I bet you do it well. I would say, look, I'd really like to pay some, you know, I'd like to pay you something.

I feel it was wrong and it wouldn't be, you know, I just want to do, I'd feel better about it. What do you think? And they say, oh, no, no, it's fine. And I go, okay. Well,, I just want to do it. I'd feel better about it. What do you think? And they say, oh, no, no, it's fine.

I go, okay. Well, I don't want to offend you. I bet it went like that with Steve, I guess, if we even got the first bit. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 193 is picking up on something you've been talking about steve hi all you're talking about swapping houses you must either only use spare bedrooms or lockable bedside drawers they have those in nhs hospitals don't they i can't imagine letting someone have free

run in all my clutter that's h i don't know if know if it's H from Steps. If so, hello. Oh, that'd be lovely. Well, yeah, you certainly do. I'd love to live in H from Steps' house. I bet it's absolutely meticulous. Oh, immaculate, Frank. And smelling vaguely of citrus fragrance. Yes, I think this is when you go to Edinburgh, for example,

and you hire someone else's flat for the festival. There is, it's like a gothic novel. There's often a locked room where they put their things. They don't want you to touch. And it is very alluring. And you do think, is it where the mad wife is locked up who's going to set fire to the whole place in the end I'm a bit phobic

about OPT, other people's things I'm not down with OPT I just very nice reference I just, well OPP I can use other people's things, I just don't like it, I just feel

unsettled around it I don't like other people's property. I just don't like it. I just feel unsettled around it. But what about when you were rooting around the TV crime presenter Nick Ross's house when he wasn't there? Well, now that's a difference. I liked to have, I wanted to have a snoop around Nick Ross's house. Surely. When did this happen? We've gone properly mortificado here, Ebony.

I love that Frank remembers that. When I was a child, when my parents split up, they did what any normal parent splitting up do. My dad went to live with Nick Ross, briefly, the prime officer. Hold on, do you want to tell us that bit of the story again? Okay.

When I was a child, and my parents announced they were splitting up, my father and mother did what any parents in that situation would have done. They broke the news and then subsequently my father went to live with TV's Crime Watch presenter, Nick Ross. And we went, he said, oh, come round, and he took his cases round and it was out helping solve crimes, I assume. Yeah, he's probably casing a joint somewhere. Keeping his eyes peeled. And that was the other one, wasn't it?

That was short, Taylor. Yeah, yeah. We never lived in his house. But we were looking around Nick's house and my mother said, oh, this is nice. That'll be nice for you. You've landed on your feet, to my father. And they're looking around Nick's house and my mother said, oh, this is nice. It'll be nice for you. You've landed on your feet, to my father. And they're looking around all the bedrooms.

My sister's rifling through Nick Ross's drawers. My mum's looking. My mother was in the bathroom and Nick Ross had a bidet. And he was a single man at the time. And my mother said, and I'll never forget this, he's counting his chickens a bit

and at that point Nick Ross walked in. Oh brilliant. Okay. Brilliant. It would have been great if you'd have found some criminal contraband

if he'd have been using the TV shows. Or some chickens. Numbered. Wow what a great place to go Steve. You know one of my horrors Steve Steve, you may not know this, is when you watch a film or TV programme

and someone's going through someone's office and then that person arrives and you're aware as a viewer that that person is getting close and it gives me stomachache, actual stomachache. And this is a real example of it. And it's interesting because he is a sort of crime fighter. So it's like breaking into the Batcave. If you'd nicked anything, there might have been a reconstruction.

And in your child acting days, you could have played it knowing that you were the criminal. Can you imagine? Yeah, but he would have had an edge in his voice when he was doing the broadcast, wouldn't he? Reporting on a crime. But imagine if you walked innocently, innocent man,

when you first made a bit of cash, put your key in your door and there was a woman standing there saying of a bidet, he's counting his chickens a bit. How would you take that? I mean, it's not a direct comment. It's one that I think...

I wouldn't mind reading, say, a 20,000-word dissertation on what that means. I'd love it if someone would write one for us. But yes, it's just you being in there and snooping when he's a man whose entire life is investigation. I suppose he thought I brought this on myself. Yeah, the hunter becomes the hunted.

Yeah. I remember once I was taping a lunchtime conversation with Donald McIntyre secretly under the hunted. Yeah. I remember once I was taping a lunchtime conversation with Donald McIntyre secretly under the table. No, no, I didn't. What do you do with that tape? Awful. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. I'm very wary. I think we've both made this point very many times. I don't want to do anything about misheard lyrics or anything like that. No. I think, you know, spare him his life from his hot sausages. It's the absolute benchmark of the feeble-minded. Well, wow.

Anyway, but I did realise only very recently, so this is more maybe of an idiotic Eureka moment. One of my favourite lyrics in a country and western song was a Glen Campbell lyric. And I realised that the lyric that I really loved is not the lyric. I saw it written down this week and thought, oh. And what happens, there's an old thing where, by the way,

W.H. Auden sends a poem to Stephen Spender, I think it is, and he said, I really like that line, the ports have names for the sea and Auden said well it was poets it's actually poets you can't read my writing but as ever the mistake is better than the real thing so he kept it in

and this is I think a case of that on Rhinestone Cowboy which I think most people know I'm a Rhinestone Cowboy and it's about a sort of a simple country bumpkin guy who becomes a star and all his life changes. It really does change. And I always thought it said,

getting courting letters from people I don't even know. I.e., you know, courting letters. I thought it was all sorts of letters. No, it's cards and letters is what he actually said. But courting letters from people I don't even know. You can imagine this simple guy courting letters from strangers

is the ultimate weird thing that happens when you get famous. And also the fact that he's using the word courting betrays his sort of simple background in this sophisticated world. He's missed the trick, Frank. That's a much better line. It's a much better line than cards and letters from people I don't even know. I mean, cards.

Cards? You're going to get a good card with that kind of felt written on them. He's been scoffed for scantion. Yeah. So, I mean, I don't think he wrote it. Glenn's gone now, of course. Can we just say, so what's gone on here is frank has essentially once again given notes to a dead songwriter well no i don't think 40 years after the song i mean for goodness sake any news on wichita lineman one of my favorites i'll have to give

that some thought but um, no. Notes. There's a new take on late review. Late notes. Exactly. He's got notes for Marriage of Figaro coming up next. It's a better line, though, isn't it? Courting letters from people. It is.

What else can we read? Let's cover some Hank Williams. Oh, never mind. He's got Seneca. I mean, he's going way back in history. They work, though. Oh, no. Centipods. Frank Skinner. They work though. Oh no, I forgot. Send the pods. Stephen in Oldhamers said,

Hi Frank, Rhinestone Cowboy was written by Larry Weiss who is still with us. So you could contact him to let him know you've improved his song. Yeah, I don't know if he took it well. I once read an interview with Ronnie Barker where he said he often went through Shakespeare and gagged it up a bit in the comedies.

Do you think he's qualified, Ronnie Barker, if anyone is? I suppose, and it's a good note from me and it's a good note from him, it has a sort of Shakespearean, iambic quality to it. Yeah? Anyway. So, yes, I've been, as we were saying, I've been freeloading at my parents' house. And there's a shed that I bought my mum.

Back when I was in a sketch show with Greg Davis and we were doing very well, I bought my mum a shed. When you were in We Are Clang. Many years ago. Ten years this year, in fact. I love that idea that you bought your mum a shed. I bought my mum a shed. I was making that shed money.

Yeah? Shed loads. Yeah. And it's got a lot of my stuff in it. And my mum, so while I've been staying with my mum... That was nice of your mum. Yeah, yeah.

That was nice of you to buy your mum a shed to put your stuff in. To put all my stuff in, yeah. Like what? So she's plonked a load of boxes down. I had no clue what was in them. So I've been investigating

what was in them. There's an awful lot of Roy the Rovers. Oh, okay. Quite a load of boxes down. I had no clue what was in them, so I've been investigating what was in them. There's an awful lot of Roy the Rovers. Oh, OK. Quite a lot of old enemies. And the problem with trying to go through old enemies is you start reading them and I immediately got transported. I tend to keep my enemies in my shed as well. Yeah, well, keep thine enemies close.

You, what age are you, Steve? I'm 42. So I'm just trying to work out what era of Roy the Rover. You would have been a bit late for... Do you remember when members of Spandau Ballet... I do. ...played for Melted? Yes, Steve Norman.

Did they? Steve Norman joined. There was a brief while where they're two of Spandau Ballet and out of retirement, Bob Wilson and Emmeline Hughes. Oh, really? Yeah, that's strange. It got very meta. Real people were playing in Melting Steel.

Did they have a sort of new romantic haircut? They did. Mullets, yeah. Yeah, totally, yeah. And there was certainly a way Roy Race would drop in Spandau Ballet songs. You played gold today. Oh, goodness me. Of course Roy Rice would have to change his name.

That would be too controversial. Someone else is in your shed. I don't think I've ever asked anyone before. You've got a shed though, Frank. I've seen your shed. Oh, God, yeah. It looks a bit creepy, your shed.

It's got spiders in it. Bars don't go in the shed. Yeah, there's's got spiders in it. No, no. Bars don't go in the shed. Yeah, there's lots of spiders in... Oh, no. They spoil everything. I can't say... There were photos that I... There was a photo of me and my brothers

sat with Duncan Goodhue at a swimming pool. Oh, that's lovely, Steve. I have no memory of that at all. And I'm about ten or eleven. I have no memory. I'd suffer your mum to put that in the shed. I'm sure Duncan's thrilled. That's where he he's ended up the old shed at the halls. Duncan said to me I was the best floater he'd ever seen. Well. He did. Yeah exactly. I presume that's a compliment. Now I was doing this starfish float where you just lie there on the top of the water. And I'm a rubbish swimmer.

But Duncan Goodew came along to the swimming lesson because he knew the woman who was teaching me. And that's what he said. That's my Duncan Goodew quote. Can I just interject at this point? James 082 has been in touch. It's just a call back

to the Nick Ross story when I was caught snooping in Crime Watch presenter Nick Ross's house. He and my mother said at one point, because Nick Ross was single at the time, he's got a bidet, he's counting his chickens before their hatch, etc. James has said, let me get this straight, a bidet's only for ladies, or am I missing the point? I think they're traditionally associated with ladies, but obviously they are for all.

Anyone can use a bidet, but in French, people consider them a ladies thing. Oh, I see, because I interpreted the remark slightly differently, but not in a way I can discuss on this. Oh, we'll have to discuss on that. I. Like I say, I think it's open to, the whole thing's open to some interpretation. Okay. And also on the nominative determinism, when your name determines your career, the fact that he's called Nick suddenly just occurred to me

and then went into crime detection. It all makes so much sense. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I say I've had a couple of letters this morning. One person, Joe. I'm hearing the Radio 4 Afternoon play sound effects of the paper Joe

has sent in regular listeners or readers as I like to call them will know that when I have talked too much or we have talked too much on a link the producer Sarah puts down a small

fez and Joe who was in a bazaar, I love the fact that there's still such a thing, a bazaar in Marrakesh last week, has sent us quite a big fez which we can use because we lost the original we had one then Jonathan Ross friend of the show tried to buy one

for us in a Marrakeshian bazaar oh really? yes I think I told you about that because he wanted a small one and he tried to speak French and said um and put like and one for and putty shah a cat's face right a small cat's face yeah a small cat's fez yeah oh okay well funnily enough exceeded where where ross failed yeah he said that joe

says the vendor this is in the vendor in um Marrakesh said when asked if this was the smallest fez he could offer replied and then he's put in

bracket Don's thick Arabic accent by donning on the loud

you can do it in French though because he's good French

so he said this is for one year old do they have fez for one-year-olds?

And it really is that. That's a big, unless you want to carry the one-year-old in the actual face. This is for one-year-old. He's got only faces for one-year-olds. He likes to wear it every day. Yeah. And the other letter I had was from a member of England's Barmy Army, Steve Lovell. What's that quackling rose you keep doing?

That's package and packing. Okay. Is it package and packing? No. That's the same word repeated twice. Postage and packaging. Postage and packing. P and P.

And Steve has sent me, I mean, timing is everything in this business. Steve has sent me one celebrating England's pursuit of the ashes. Right. This summer. Did we not get those? It'd be nice to sleep in, but it's not going very well. If we win this game, it'll... I'm going to do next week's show just wearing that T-shirt.

All right, is all your business done? All your housekeeping? That's my... The two Fezzes, the larger Fezz and the small Fezz, make a sort of lovely little tiered wedding cake at the moment. Yeah. We just need one in the middle. That'd be not a bad idea if you got married in Marrakesh.

Yeah. A Fezz cake. Yeah. A fez cake. Yeah. We just need one in the middle. So ideally, if anyone's in Marrakesh and a vendor says, I'm going to do a French accent before I get complaints, this is one for a six-month-year-old, that would be perfect. We want a fez for a six-month-year-old.

This is now someone will text in and say, oh, was that a French accent from... Oh, yeah, where were they from? From Aberystwyth. From Aberystwyth. I need to tell you about a terrible thing that happened last week. I know you love a terrible thing, boys. Oh, it's one of my favourites.

I'm strapping in. Well, Frank knows some of this, but I need to fill Steve and our readers in, Frank, wouldn't you say? Oh, yes. So I had a bit of a, I believe they call it a Darren Anderton in their trade last week which was a sick note Can I give a bit more preamble to this? Please do

I'd love some preamble from you On we've just done three weeks at the Edinburgh Festival, the radio show has. And after the first... So when we're up there, we play Radio 4th. Yes.

Which is as in Firth of 4th, not in... They don't rank them. And I wonder if... Do they use May the 4th be with You, I wonder, for their marketing? No, they will though now. Because you know what you've done? Given them some lovely feedback, Frank. Well, we'll see.

But anyway, I got a text after the first show from Jonathan Ross saying I got my agent, I think you won't mind me reading it, I had my agents put some posters up outside where we thought you did the radio show today. But Em, and then there's, he gives reasons for that, which I'll let you go into, but Em didn't mention it, so I have a horrid feeling they were displayed at the wrong site. Did you see anything? And then he sent me a picture of the posters, and I wrote a horrid feeling they were displayed at the wrong site. Did you see anything? And then he sent me a picture of the posters,

and I wrote back, oh, no, we missed you. Yes. And he says, I said, we're doing two more. I know one more at that point. So he said, okay, then I'll aim for that. Okay. So that's where we were. That's where we were that's where we were

bear in mind these were posters that were made he had specially made advertising an Edinburgh show that he wasn't doing completely mythical

essentially he'd invented I'll tell you what happened I once in passing this is what it's like being friends with Jonathan do we need to go to

a break I think we need to go to a break I'll leave you on tenterhooks. I once, Jonathan did a silly voice in character. And I said, oh yeah, what, you're going to turn that into an Edinburgh show? That's a great character, you should tour that. Cut to, stay with us. Okay.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio so we're mid we're mid Ross yes so not Paul not Nick Ross

not Nick Ross not Paul it's been one Ross anecdote after the next it has so anyway I had made a joke, I mean,

a few months back. He'd done one of his little characters. He'd done a silly voice. And in order to throw shade at him affectionately, I said, oh, that's good.

You could go on to take that on tour to Edinburgh. Most friends leave it at that when you say that. What sort of voice? What sort of voice does he do? Well.

See, I wouldn't have asked that. Okay. If you'd done more radio, you wouldn't have asked that. It's not like that. I'm trying to work out whether that means that... It's not rude. I'm optimistic and curious, and the ten years has put too much cynicism.

Essentially, the voice is just a man saying, Vuh-vuh-vuh, is his catchphrase. It's a strange character who's called Mr Phillips. You were right, Frank. See what I mean? Learn from the old pros. So basically, most people would have left it at that. Jonathan didn't.

Jonathan decided to get his management, on the strength of this one comment I'd made, throwaway comment about taking it to Edinburgh, to print up professional posters, which apparently he spent three months working on. There was email exchanges which were quite testy in tone to some people saying, this green is not the right shade.

Let me see the other options. I'm going to apparently be showing the email correspondence no that's not right he he put on the poster edinburgh high street he had to make up a location so that people didn't actually go there he spent months on this then he employed someone at his management to put the pay page get the posters printed. He then had to pay to get someone to put them up all over Edinburgh all so that he could play this practical joke

on me and pretend that he was actually doing a show. Unfortunately, I was ill and ended up in bed for three days so never saw the posters. The first week they were off they didn't see them. So I said, you've got one more week to have a go.

So then he really went for it. He really went for it, and I was ill. And what was strange is he kept calling me really obsessively. And I said, Jonathan, I'm really ill. I can't do this show. He went, you're not doing the show. I thought, God, he's really upset I'm not doing the show. I said, no.

He goes, well, he told Frank then, you're not doing the show. I said, no, I can't do the show. He said, that i said yeah no it's terrible i'm really gutted he said what hotel are you in beg your pardon i think he was planning on sending someone around to the hotel to put the posters up um i mean i thought he'd gone a bit strange yeah he was so obsessive can i tell you what this reminds me i don't know if you've ever um the guy uh what's the name of the american comic who played um larry sanders gary shandling handling yeah there's a story that an american comic who i don't know the name of tells that he was sitting in a cafe writing on a laptop you know the way people write in to stop? And he was sitting in the window.

And I think, was there a show called Tonight With Gary Shandling? Yes. So he had a Tonight With Gary Shandling t-shirt on, if I remember right. So he's there typing away. And at one point he looks up and Gary Shandling is walking past

with a t-shirt that says Tonight With and it's the name of this comic who's doing the typing and a picture of him and he said the brilliant thing was gary shandling had seen him in there with the t-shirt he'd gone to a t-shirt shop and got this thing made up and he found out after that gary shandling had been walking around the block past that window for like two hours i didn't get to see it but you know I would say that's the definition

of friendship that a man would spend or woman that amount of money, time and attention to detail on a practical joke Faye who works on our show said that she said you know if I had that kind of money that's what I'd do she said I wouldn't buy a watch I'd spend it on practical jokes

Well what I loved about this is that to me, it almost didn't matter that you did. I was so happy that Jonathan had done this, as I was with that garage, that someone gets to that much trouble for a joke. But what I did, and I don't know what this says about me, but when someone tells me an elaborate story

that they've done, and when they lifted up the dead owl, underneath it was the engagement ring and the proposal. I always think, oh, shut your face. So when they do it for a proposal, I always think it's really naff. When they do it for a joke,

I think it's a masterpiece. You've been showing me Jonathan's posters. Oh, I mean... It's a work. It's absolutely brilliant. Oh, yeah. I mean, put it this way. There was a lot of blood, sweat and tears went into it.

Mainly, yeah. I like that the entry price is £29, which is almost as much as you paid for Gareth Richards' show. Yeah. That's true. Gareth Richards. Do you know what? I keep forgetting that, and then it stings sometimes.

It's like a sort of love affair that just comes back. It's more than Eddie's show. It's more than Frank Sinatra. 30 notes. I mean, I love Richards, but come on. For goodness sake. Come on. Talking of expensive indulgences, that wasn't an expensive indulgence. It was well worth the money.

Is this going to be about the pre-Reformation Catholic Church this next bit? Close. Okay. It's actually about Gwyneth Paltrow hiring a book curator. Because I wanted to discuss this with you two this morning. Can I ask a question before we begin? Sure. It's about Gwyneth Paltrow. Sure. is she generally known as Gwynny Pig no no it's a great name

i know some people who sort of know um her the Coldplay guy Chris Chris Martin, when they were. And they used to use the phrase, Gwynny Pig, which I always assumed that he called her. But I wasn't sure if it was in the public. Well, it is now. Too late. I think he called her Gwynny Pig. What a brilliant name. Yeah, I quite like it.

Can I say, I thought she was a great pepper pot in Iron Man. Okay. You know, she was a great pepper pot in Iron Man. Okay. You know, she was Iron Man, sort of. Well, she starts off working for him and then they become embroiled. Oh, okay, lovely. Thanks with the comic book. He's our comic book correspondent. Who's that?

Is that Robert Downey Jr., Iron Man? Yes. Okay. I need that universe to expand to include all the rovers. It confuses me. So Gwyneth, she's taken on a rather unusual employee. Did you hear about this? She's hired a book curator.

Oh, everyone's talking about it. Well, everyone's talking about the fact that he is called Thatcher Wine as well. But incredibly, that's not the most remarkable thing about him. Yeah, that's just stage one. Yes. His twin brother, Thresher. Unfortunate vintage. That's a wine.

So what he does, he creates a custom library, essentially, doesn't he? Very. He allows your books to work in harmony with your interior's concept. So, for example, you wanted a copy of War and Peace, Frank, and you thought, but that doesn't work with my colour palette. He would say, OK, I'll get one made in a suitable Pantone shade. Can I ask you a question? What is Pantone?

What does that mean? It's Pantone you will have seen. It's a colour spectrum, essentially. It's a reference guide for color like a color chart yes but i think it's specifically a sort of graphic color um so we'll say dulux for you okay let's say dulux for you yeah i am catholic remember oh dulux do you understand that yes yes but the idea is if you go to Thatcher Wines Company, you could say, for example, you choose them by colour.

You don't know what books you're getting. But you buy books by the foot. Well, see, I thought that at first. But one of the things I read a quote, because I've become slightly obsessed with the idea of people buying. I mean, the people buying books because they look nice is a bit upsetting. Although, if you take something like, do you know the Folio Society? I do know, yeah.

Who make beautiful books. They are beautiful books. They're lovely to have. But what he said, which is not as bad, is if you want the complete works of Jane Austen, and you want them in your kitchen, which favours greys and creams. Neutral palettes, yeah. Then he'll do you dust jackets or book bindings in those colours. So you're having the books you want.

You're not just picking... If you go to his website, I'm afraid, I've gone forensic, you can buy books by the foot. And you don't know what they are, Frank. That's morally incorrect. You could get Mein Kampf with a blush cover. Okay. And it's literally

he's literally judging books by their cover. Well Frank, not always but some, it is an option to buy the books by the colour, by the yard or whatever. And doesn't it make it confusing if all your books are the same colour? Doesn't that make it quite difficult

to work out what they are? Well, I don't think there's any suggestion she's going to pick any of them up. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So we're talking about these... We're talking about...

Thatcher. Thatcher wine, sorry. Thatcher wine. He said... He's talking about what books are popular now, because there's a certain, what it'll also do is theme your books. I mean, I think, I'm trying to give you a split of the benefit of the doubt. Yeah.

Because I do like the idea of someone bringing books into your home. Although he said apparently she needed 500 to 600 books to, and I quote, complete the shelves. Now that is an odd way of looking at it. Yes, yeah. But if he's taking your interests and then he's getting other books on that, it's a bit more, it's like people who bought this also bought.

Yeah. Well, he's like a reverse Marie Kondo. Yeah. I don't know, I wouldn't know I'm Catholic. Well, he's like a reverse Marie Kondo. Yeah. I don't know. I wouldn't know I'm Catholic. Oh, Kondo. Yes. Well, they will look very tidy.

His books are going to look more tidy than any books I've ever looked. Well, he's... Sorry. There was a quote that said he was tasked with making them easy to grab off the shelves. Yeah.

That's good. But does that not mean just giving her thumbs? I don't really... I think... Oh, how dare you say that? See, maybe they're all low. They have to be low. Low.

Right. You don't want a guinea pig off one of those moving ladders that slide along the bottom. Oh, I love those. I always associate those with The Mummy or maybe Sean Connery in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I associate them with Priscilla Presley and the joke in Top Gun, which I cannot do on air. Not Top Gun, what's it called, please?

Naked Gun. Naked Gun. Oh, yes. I know very well the joke you're referring to. He did say Thatcher Wine. He talked about what books were trendy at the moment in terms of aesthetically on your shelves. That bothered me slightly.

Because he said the Stoic philosophers are having a big moment right now. Yeah, that was it. Now, come on. Well, it's good if people are reading the Stoic philosophers in any colour. Oh, come on. Well, it's good if people are reading the Stoic philosophers in any colour. And if they are, Frank, I'm sure, has some tips for Marcus Aurelius. And Seneca, was he Stoic?

I believe he was on how they could improve. On a bad day. Yeah. I, it said he wanted to theme her interest. He said the books that she had were photography, fashion and architecture. Often not, strictly speaking, what you call books. You know, they're those big things with photos, the coffee table. These are books to be read at the coffee table because they're so big. What is it, fashion, photography and architecture?

I bet that's a degree for the millennials now. Well, photography, as you know, is something I feel is the last refuge of the scoundrel. Frank says anyone can do it. It's what people who want to be in the creative arts but can't do anything do. You're looking at a sculpture, Brooklyn Beckham's burgeoning career.

Well, there you go. Exactly. Can someone tell Henri Cartier-Bresson, Google him. Look, these are books that you can't read for more than 20 minutes for actual physical arm fatigue.

So, you know, they're what you look at while you're waiting for someone, aren't they? Yes, yeah. They're on the coffee table. I find, when I see them on coffee tables, three high seems to be the limit. I've never seen four in a pile. And I always think the people that have them

might not be very kind people. I don't think that of Gwynny Pig in fairness. I like the look of Gwynny Pig. They're so heavy, the coffee table couldn't take any more. I've just seen people that have those books look like they might sort of snap at their staff. Well I was sad when she

split with Chris Martin I can't remember what term they used there Conscious uncoupling. Conscious uncoupling because their two kids was Apple and Moses and I thought they're just going to work their way through the Old Testament of things that happen. I was looking, Flood would have been the third one and stuff.

Sadly, that was stopped mid-flow. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We heard from 24O's just notes that both of Gwyneth's children could be followed by the word basket, Moses basket and apple basket. Is apple basket a... is that a word? Perhaps not. Perhaps I've given them too much credit. How would you do your shelves?

I always thought Andrea Cole might have been a bit upset about apple getting picked. I picked. How do I... How do you style your bookshelves? Well, Kath has said to me, my partner, We should start this, Frank, by sorry, just to let Steve know, have you been to Frank's house?

No, no. It's absolutely beautiful. But David Baddiel did once say his comment on the decor was, Frank, How long are you going to live like this? Yeah. It looks like, everyone says it looks like we moved in yesterday. And then he came around a second time and he just said to me, he looked at me, stood there with an anorak,

because he's often got an anorak, and he just went, will it always be like this? You say an anorak, but I think of it as a car coat is what he wears. It's very odd. He's quite a cool dude, but he's very happy in a car coat. He always looks like those blokes that leave the match early to miss the traffic. But anyway, he's...

You were talking about your house and your books I've got a lot of books but Kath thinks I should put them in alphabetical order or something I just can't be bothered and also I like looking for a book in the several bookcases

because you think oh I forgot that book do you like it in a sort of J.R. Hartley way? Yeah, I think I like to browse, you know. I don't want to know. The idea of putting my books in alphabetical order... Have you got any first editions? French chat-up line.

Yeah, it is. I've got a couple of... I've got a few. I've got a couple of... I've got a few. I've got a couple of... I feel like, yeah, I don't want to be advertising you to be burglarised. We don't want you to get burglarised. I don't think many people are going to come in for Samuel Johnson's Tour of the Hebrides from 1773. I've got a few Doris Lessings.

Oh, nice. John Cornwell's, Google him. David Cornwell, I mean. David Cornwell, do you know who that is? Quite a bit of the Beat Generation signed. Fantastic. Anyway. So I would say,

all I'm going to say to defend Thatcher Wine, not something I thought I'd ever say, my family background, is really, I suppose you could argue, because books essentially, we no longer have a practical use for them because mostly we're reading them often we're reading them on the on the kindle or online well i saw an edinburgh show and i won't name names because i'll go on no way okay and there's a woman on stage and she said i don't read books And then you told me that you'd seen an Edinburgh show with a woman on stage saying she doesn't read books.

And I'm one about bright people. So I've since become anxious that they're going out of fashion books. Yes, I do worry a bit about that. But I just think, well, at least maybe the colour coordination. If they like interiors and Pinterest and Instagram, we might lure the Instagrammers over to the website. He might be doing a good job. Wine.

And wines. No, wine's his surname. That's what they called him at school. Wine's parents owned a restaurant, a very famous restaurant, called Quilted Giraffe in the 1970s in New York. The Quilted Giraffe. It's a bit of a Studio 54. It was a very trendy restaurant.

I've never heard of that. Have you not heard of it? I've never heard of the Quilted Giraffe. It's where, do you know the book American Psycho? It's where he takes his victims. Oh, really? Well... It sounds like the name of a kid's story.

Yeah, but in fact it was where a psychopath They do look slightly quilted to be fair. There's an element of uh crazy paving on the neck yeah you see i think i like though also i start talking about beautiful books are nice but i also like really cheap paper in books yeah i don't surprise me magazine, which is the sci-fi short stories. I actually feel sick. And the paper is so cheap, it makes me, it means I can hold it, you read it with

love, not respect, you know what I mean? I know, some people think they're the same thing. That's made me, that's actually made me feel sick. Oh, I'm going to bring it in next week, just for you to feel the porous night. No, the cheap paper. I think it's literally pulp. I think it has been.

What's the sci-fi mag called? Analogue. Let's get you a subscription. Have you read it? Have you heard of it? I've not heard of it, but I'm getting you a subscription for Christmas, Emily. It's only... It's bimonthly. I know that sounds cool, doesn't it?

That means every two months, kids, don't start anything. Who's on the cover this week? Tinfoil Cyberman? No. Dick Fiddy's on the cover. I think it's someone in a Spice Helmet. Cover girl.

This month's cover book. Dick Fiddy. One thing that I learnt about, I looked up Gwyneth Paltrow on Wikipedia and it said that she used to smoke one cigarette a week but she's cut down since 2019. Cut down to what? One cigarette a fortnight?

Wouldn't you love to be there does she stop it out and think I'll have a bit of that later on or does she have to do it all in one

thrust Steve it's been lovely having you here do come in again we should meet up we live very near each other

we never meet I want to see your bookshelves I want to see how you live come and see my bookshelves just watch your remarks.

I'm getting a bit fed up of people coming down and saying, hold on, what's happened? They think I've been burglarised. Okay, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.