The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Half Past 7

Episode Date: July 16, 2011

Frank Emily and Alun discuss the big news of the week...The Beckhams baby name, The Winners of the Euro Millions and Rupert Murdoch's fashion attire of course!

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

That was the Suzuki's Personal Patrol. I love it. What about that? This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean, and I think we all know who else I'm with. You got it. Alan Cochran.

Alan Cochran. The Cockerel. Good morning. O-K-A, the Cockerel. You call him that, but one of our listeners, Frank, has started calling him Two Showers. Two on three. Dear Frank, Emily and Two Showers. That's the Cockerel's name.

Last week I was discussing how I'd had several two-shower days, but I now realise that it's some kind of shared system and that I was having the shower that a few people on public transport were not having. There's been a few smelly ones in the last week. I know, but that's the joy of public transport. It's like travelling in a... Oh, is there joy?

It is, it's like... I think it's like a mobile cheese shop. You just get on in... I find it that people on public transport, it's not that they just smell in the normal way, I find it gets like a mobile cheese shop. You just get on in. I find that people on public transport, it's not that they just run in the normal way. I find it gets on my chest. It's an interesting way of putting it. It's like Vapor, Rob, for people who like bad.

Anyway, that's not meaning that they're bad people. They're just in a rush, that's all. If you want to text us about anything, we're on 8-12-15. Yeah, it's just, you know, it's only digits, but to us, it's a life force. Yes, and there's apologies in the paper today from Rupert Murdoch. We are sorry. Oh, is that who it's from?

I thought it was an ex of mine or something. I didn't realise. Yeah, it's... I love it. Yeah, I like the apology. I'm thinking... I always think... My way has always been, if someone apologises, that's it then, the slate's clear. So I'm thinking, OK, that's enough.

End of affair for me. Right. Yeah, just get off his back. He's an old man. I think you are swimming against the tide of public opinion. I know, but I like it. He likes doing that. Me and Jeremy Clarkson in a sort of synchronised swimming team. Can you imagine that?

Imagine how curly his hair gets when wet. You must look like some sort of... One of those poodles they use for guard dogs. Not a miniature, but the one they use for guard dogs. Very tight mop on the top of the head. I don't think I've ever heard of a poodle guard dog. Have you not? No.

They were fighting dogs originally, the poodles. Oh, I mean, we've domesticated them into wimpishness, but they were ferocious beasts, the poodles. Is this true? I don't know anything about poodles being ferocious. Yeah, well, I'd rather have Clarkson as a guard dog, wouldn't you? Yeah. Well, he must be good for something.

Oh, quite scathing the cockerel this morning. He's a successful author. So, Mr Murdoch has also been keeping fit. Well, yes. Did you see that? I did. That was the big news, really, for me of the week. The big shocking news.

Rupert Murdoch in tracksuit. Yeah. Rupert Murdoch in shorts. With a veiny calf poking through like an old chicken breast. Oh, I never saw the shorts first. Not only did he have shorts on, but he sat in the back of the car and for some reason

his legs were as far apart as a man's legs could be. It was almost like, I still have power. And I've closed the newspaper but get a load of my power here. I bet that was a public transport moment. I noticed all the windows was open.

The driver was actually subtly wearing breathing apparatus. I didn't like the photos. I found them disturbing. He was being propped up like Weekend at Bernie's. It really upset me when he was running through Hyde Park. It was clever. It was all very clever stuff. Oh, was it? What he's cashing in, he's such a clever manipulator. What he's done there...

He's going clocks and again. Yeah, he's thought to himself, you know, you have that saying, don't speak ill of the dead. And he thought, I can cash in on this. I can cash in on this with some overspill. Not necessarily not speaking at all, but don't speak ill very much of the near dead. So I'm going to push my near deadness

to the British public. I'm going to expose him. And it was quite shocking. I did think, oh, I don't know if I can carry on being nasty about a man who really is dabbling with mortality at that level. One foot in. Yeah, definitely. Or at least one foot. I had an awkward time because I saw

the photograph of him in that shell suit, and I caught myself thinking, oh, I quite like that. What does that say about me? It's bad enough that a few weeks ago I was admiring Andrew Marr's jeans, and now I'm admiring Rupert Murdoch's tracksuits. Well, I would hold fire, because it'll almost certainly be in a charity shop in the next two years. Where does he live? I could start rummaging. Exactly what's next jeremy clarkson's blues on leather jacket but it's i think it's all right for an old man to uh it's so not all right and no baseball caps

either some oklahoma tramp so wrong i think there'll be a point where i only wear leisure wear i just wear velvet tracksuits or velour, like one of the ageing sopranos. Well, I'm getting on a bit. Are you telling me now that my trainers with wheels are an exception? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That's The Captain by, um, what are they called?

Biffo the Bear. Remember Biffo the Bear? Yes. He was on the cover of The Beaner. Suddenly, it's Dennis Domenis. Nothing. Apparently, they found him on his holidays. That's how you found out.

Never work for liberals this accurate Christmas. That's what they say. Yeah, I've heard that. So, yeah, we were just talking about the fact that Rupert Murdoch has been out in a tracksuit and shorts. It was horrific. I noticed he had an unrolled down white sock. Oh, rolled down. Didn't he write Children's Story?

He had... You know, some people wear a white sock when they're with shorts, but I always... What I do is I roll them down a little bit. So I like to take a sort of... I know what you mean. Yeah, I like a Japanese schoolgirl look to me. It's a slightly déshabillé effect. I like that.

Well, I think it softens the line between my thin lower leg and the sudden bulk of the trainer. I like to break that down with a bit of a ruffled sock. He's pulled them up to their full extent Oh really? Yeah, and that's always, that's wrong I mean, they're probably keeping the veins in place I was thinking maybe he was on a long-haul flight later that day

Yeah, well he might be I think when you're 80, life is a long-haul flight I think it is, I think thrombosis hovers over you like a buzzard It's gone box fresh though though. Everything's box fresh. Is it? It didn't smell like it in that car. It's Tupperware box fresh, when the sandwiches have been in for three days. Talking about suitable attire for octogenarians. Oh, of course. A fabulous link. Let's just bask in that a little while.

Put some sun cream on. Let's just bask in that a little while. Put some sun cream on. We've had an email in, Frank, from Simon, who sends it to Mr Skinner, Miss Dean and Captain Cockerel. Finally, a military position. Now, do you remember last week, Frank, we were talking about the acceptable number of buttons open on a man's shirt? Well, I was, specifically.

Yeah, I was trying to change the subject, but you wouldn't have it. No, I really wouldn't. Now, Simon seems to be suggesting that the number of buttons open on a shirt can be used to judge a man's age would you like to hear his theory um yes well he's saying the fashion amongst the youths of today favors a fully buttoned shirt or polo much in the vein of paul weller as previously alluded well hold on because we've got a youth in here today. We've got Joe, the technician. Oh, yeah, what's he wearing? He's wearing a slightly grubby T-shirt, I'll be honest.

He's in a round neck. Carry on, move on. Okay. However, you'll notice that boys just into their 20s won't attempt a top-button fastening. Again, a chap in his 30s can, without much social comment, it's a peachy wood house, go for a two-button open stance. Taking into the 40s, you'll all have experiences of men a little past their prime

rocking the three buttons open. Taking this to its natural conclusion, I bet that Mr Skinner and Captain Cockerel have frequented many a bar where there'll be a man, late 60s, early 70s, propping up the bar with at least six or seven buttons open. Is that true? At the end, do you get more buttons? I mean, I saw a picture early 70s, propping up the bar with at least six or seven buttons open. Is that true? At the old, you get more buttons? I mean, I saw a picture of the elephant, man.

He just, he hadn't done any buttons. He just knotted his shirt into a crop top. Well, that means by the time you get to... Daisy Duke style he'd gone for. I loved it. Although, I mean, he couldn't take on a denim short. I don't think he had his legs insured for a million dollars like she did famously. I think he did. Oh, did he? But it was by KFC.

Frank, that does make sense, because then when you get to the sort of Murdoch slash winner end of things, then it's essentially the hospital operating gown just gaping open. That's your point. Yeah. That's your point. I just don't notice my buttons

getting any lower as I get older. That's a lovely shirt, though. It's at your point. I just don't notice my buttons getting any lower as I get older. That's a lovely shirt, though. It's one of my favourite shirts you're wearing today. This shirt's slightly different on the bottom front. Get this. Oh, Frank! Oh, my God! You've gone winner!

Webcam moment. Webcam moment. I have to tell the people at home that these are just like pressed on, so I just tore the whole thing apart. It was a bit of a... I think it was a Rupert moment. I'm just bottling up again now. Well, I don't know if I fully qualify.

I've decided from now on I'm only going to wear shirts with laces. You know those ones? Oh, like the sort of Man U kit that they used to have. Like the low range you used to have. Yes. I mean, those shirts, why haven't they caught on more? They're much better than a button. Don't you think?

Not really, no. Oh, I find, especially if you're having your photo took with a koala, they've got someone to grip onto, whereas with a button, they don't know where to... You notice that, the small black... You know, it looks like a small black gloved hand on the koala. And they're reaching... You don't want them to scratch flesh, because they've all got chlamydia.

I don't know if you know that. You can look that up. It's true. Google it. Every one of them has got chlamydia. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. It was there when I arrived. What's it? What is it? Syphilis? Is it syphilis? I don't know if you can say that. Let me have a look.

Oh, don't spit hairs. No, you can't. You can't say that unless it's a reference to the fruit I think that's is that a misspelling anyway what was we talking about oh yeah

so I'm going to go koalas having chlamydia can you buy you know you can go in and buy a shoelace you know when you go in and say I'd like a pair of shoelaces

because I broke a shoelace and you can buy you can buy shoelaces separately can you buy shirt laces for those shirts? Because no-one wears those, Frank, except for Brotherhood of Man back in the 70s. No, but I'm going to bring it in.

I'd love to go in and say, have you got any shirt laces? I might try that today. Stop shopping for clothes. Got any shirt laces? I broke a shirt lace the other week. I had a very proud moment. I thought it was a proper stud.

I'm going to try it. Anyone there who sells shirt laces in their shop, give us a bell. I'm in for, well, let's say two dozen pairs. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio. Oh, we're having some sort of technical hiccup. People are sending in texts on 8-12-15.

Thank you for that. But they're coming only in... We're not getting the full thing, are we? Yeah. I think Absolute hasn't paid the bill or something. So what happens is that you only get something like... Is there a maximum of 140 characters? That would be a great idea for some is there a maximum of 140 characters?

That would be a great idea for some sort of social networking. 140 characters? Sounds like I watched EastEnders last night. I bet there was 110 in that. So the shame of it is... I hadn't seen it for years. I still knew about six people. Beale's Place, still there. Yeah, yeah.

Still doing well. Someone had driven into it. I mean, I miss that, but I could see the aftermath. Carry on. So, Frank, we're that, but I could see the aftermath. Carry on. So, Frank, we're only getting the tail end or the opening sometimes to these texts. I've always been happy with the tail end. So what are we getting? Give us an example. I'll work it out.

I think you can work it out. It's a bit like working at the British Library when they find a fragment of an old manuscript. Okay. Let's hear one. Okay, so so for example, ork out the advantage it has over flies. Any ideas?

Ork, spelled O-R-K. Well, that'll be work out, presumably. Yeah. So, maybe he's talking, you know, I was talking about the lace shirts. Oh, yes! Because sometimes you see jeans laced at the front. But it flies. Oh, I thought it was animal-based like koalas.

No, I'm thinking of what we used to call the fly hole. You're right, Flash. No, fly sounds better, doesn't it? The fly hole, looking back, was a grim piece of imagery. Oh, I've opened my fly hole. What, so it's surrounded by... Anyway, so some people have a lace up front to their jeans. Have you seen those girls in particular, I've noticed?

Oh, yes. That's quite sexy. Very Shakira, frankly. Very Shakira. And, well, it covers her big calves. Oh, she's got a muscular calf, Shakira. Always hidden, but if you... Is that Murdochian?

Oh, well, yeah, I saw her live. I thought she had wellingtons on. Anyway, yeah, so he's saying I can't work out the advantage over having a button or a zip fly with a lace up her front. That's what I'm thinking. I was saying he could be a she. Does the name... Oh, you can't have names with this system.

377, this is an ending. The infamous quilted jacket is yet. Wow. What would that have meant? I think that... the infamous quilted jacket as yet. Wow. What would that have meant? I think that, isn't that the name that the police have given to somebody on the run at the moment, the infamous quilted jacket? He's a Victorian sort of character.

And he went missing recently in what they called after the Puffer Puffer murders. And I think he's, yeah, he's a sleeveless. I mean, he's not a full puffer. Oh, a body warmer. He's gone body warmer. I think he's a body warmer. A Gillette. Well, they call him the body warmer because apparently he puts them in the oven after.

This is how the nickname came about. Anyway, I think we've had enough of this game. I'm sorry, if you want to send us any really short text, we'd love to hear from you on 8.12.15. Let's call it 8.12, the way things are going. The only radio station where people are asking for short texts. Exactly.

I think by definition. We were talking about whether, as men get older, they leave more shirt buttons undone on the top. I've just... And you exposed yourself. I did expose myself. I'll tell you what I'll do sometimes if I'm feeling devil may care.

I'll wear a button-down shirt and I'll leave the collars untethered. Oh, no. I won't bother with the... Yeah. Why? Why would you do that? Well, I just...

Sometimes you need to adopt a cavalier attitude to garments. That is... Somebody's texted, can you ask Frank and the crew what they think of men in flip-flops, eh? Oh, I like... That's quite a long text. Well, OK, how come you've got a complete text?

Oh, I've got a special system. Oh, wow. It's direct to my own phone. I like us becoming the crew. Yeah, men in flip-flops. I mean, it's slightly problematic. Men's feet are not the best part. I think they're second only to the genitals,

as far as ugliness is concerned. But men have that hairy tuft on top of the big toe. The big toe's got a hairy tuft. I mean, I don't have it. For a short time, I was so touchy, I mean, I don't have it. For a short time, I was so touchy about the fact that I didn't have it, I actually bought a toe, what they call a toe pay.

Which is a small sort of wig that you affix to the top of the big toe. When bored, I can actually twist my big toe hair around into like a little horn. Have you considered a ribbon? Yes. When bored, I can actually twist my big toe hair round into, like, a little horn. Oh. If I wanted.

Have you considered a ribbon? Yes. Yeah. Next week, maybe next week. You could have a toe-ney-tail. A toe-ney-tail. He's fair, though, Frank, so he'll be very light-matting. Yes.

Well, is he fair? For all we know, that could be assisted. I bet you're no stranger to Sonny, are you? Nobody would die that hard at college. Well, I think you can get Mousy. I've seen it on the... Oh, burnt squirrel. Everyone's doing it. That's the smell on public transport. Burnt squirrel.

Yeah, now I've got it. Now I've grasped it. Oh, well, send us a half text. Let's enjoy that. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. By the way, as our texts have gone a bit wonky,

you can email us. There is an email option. Yes, it's studio at absoluteradio.co.uk. Oh, I don't like it. Don't you? Forget about it. Studio.uk. Oh, I don't like it. Don't you? Forget about it. Studio. Rubbish.

What is it? Frank. What is it again? Studio at absoluteradio.co.uk. Don't bother. Frank, don't say that. Studio. Is that the best thing?

What is it? Are we going to cut hair? However, one happy by-product of this text debark, I'm calling it a debark, is that we're only getting half of what I felt might have been a slightly misogynistic text message. Oh, that was a close one. How did it begin, did I ask?

Well, it says, I'm not even going to give his digits because I'm going to spare him this. He starts by saying, I was in a club over the weekend and I saw a fat bird at the bar. Oh, no. Then it says, I walked up to her and said fancy a dance love ooh that would be nice she replied and that's all we've got you see I'm hoping that it then

went oh no hold on a minute what am I saying is this what my life has become a series of misogynistic anecdotes trying to amuse? I'm sorry, I apologise, I'm sorry. And then sign off. But we've missed his big reformation moment.

Yeah. Oh, well, that's... He can't even be concise in his misogyny, that's a shame, isn't it? I, er, I... You know I'm not a particular... Unless it was Clarkson taking two minutes off from the guard dog duties

to send a bit of one of his classic misogynistic texts I just hope for his sake that I said a burglar hasn't come over that

battle you know that war where he was standing just where the barbed wire stops he just covers that that section we'll see how it goes sorry

Alan I was about to impart that I feel a parallel. There's been a story this week, and as you know, I'm not particularly show-busy, but I have a parallel story. Sharon Osbourne. Sharon Osbourne. Sharon Osbourne, of the Osbournes fame,

has been reunited with her £200,000 stolen wedding ring, and guess how? Brilliant, brilliant bit of the story. wedding ring, and guess how? Brilliant, brilliant bit of the story. Her daughter, is it Kelly? Oh, yeah, Kelly. She apparently was watching Crime Watch and recognised her mum's wedding ring. I love the idea that she watches Crime Watch.

I just like the idea that at the end when they say, remember, don't have nightmares, and then she turns the telly off and realises that she lives with the Osbournes. I'll try. I'll try my best not to. She's not a wild child anymore. She's staying in. In the old days, she would have been out partying when that was on.

They never got that ring back? Well, she got it back, but I have almost an exact parallel. Can I say, before you tell us this, I remember, I can tell you, it was about 2004 when it went missing. Oh, really? That ring. I know, because I did a joke at the time saying that they could easily,

because it was a diamond ring, they could easily replace it. All they had to do, this was obviously when Kelly was a bigger girl. Oh, yes. so i've condemned this man for his massage is a test but text but this is good this is a bit about okay because i said that what if they want to replace it they could always sneak a large piece of coal under kelly's mattress now to know that you have to know how diamonds are formed. So I thought the fact that that kind of scientific element rescued it from just being a joke about being fat. I'm not sure that's true.

I'll let you have that. But it was. It was 2004, or as Sharon Osbourne calls it, three faces ago. How great that she was watching Crimewatch. My mum's boyfriend was actually on Crime Watch in Reconstruction. Oh. He's an actor. Was he? Oh, he was, OK.

No, it was a reconstruction at an art gallery theft. He played a security guard. It's not King Lear love, but what can you do? Yeah. Face the bills. Well, exactly. None of us have achieved quite what we thought we'd achieve in our careers. I speak only for myself.

Anyway, I wonder where Alan's personal anecdote. I have an almost exact parallel of this story. It wasn't my mum and it wasn't a £200,000 Tiffany wedding ring. It was years ago... It's a big almost, isn't it? It's almost an exact parallel. Years ago, my wife cycled into work in central London when we lived here and got her bicycle pinched, stolen.

She's devastated. What, from Ondura? No, from a bike rack outside. Oh, OK. london when we lived here and got her bicycle pinched stolen she's devastated what from ondera no from from a bike rack outside okay always use two different types of lock listeners two different types a d and a cable that's the that's the way forward you get you get tips on this show as well it's not all helping what we call banter so she got her bike stolen. A week or two later, I thought, I'll go and buy her a bike, and I went into a second-hand bike shop called Recycling in Elephant and Castle, I think I can name it. That shouldn't be a problem.

Unless you're about to suggest their receivers have stolen goods. I am. I absolutely am. Well, then I feel we have to... Hold on, I have to find a legal way around this before you say this. It's a fact. It's a fact. I know, but we can all fall prey to... They wouldn't have known, obviously. No, and in fact, the person had given ID.

Apparently, it's a... Exactly. They were completely innocent at Recycling Elephant and Castle. Can I make that clear? Well, there was a moment where I said to him, I think I know this bike's owner. My wife's had it nicked, and I said, I'm going to go home and double check. And I said, you're not going to sell it while I'm gone, are you?

And he went, well, if someone wants to buy it, I will, yeah. Oh, no, so you're painting them badly again. And I said, they're lovely people. But he did not. He did not sell it. No, he didn't, you see. I mean, we all lapsed. Yeah. And there was a great moment. We phoned the police and the policeman was like, right, I'm going in. And he went in and got it back. And then we had to struggle to, we phoned the police and the policeman was like, right, I'm going in and he went in and got it back

and then we had to struggle to get it back off the police or they love a bike, the police I don't know if you've ever seen the Pyramid Formation well that's a lovely story I'm rarely a hero but in that story I was well I don't know, a hero might be pushing it a bit

are you what Bonnie Tyler was waiting for? Yes. A man who buys second-hand bikes? I think not. We only have this excellent. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. That was Somebody Told Me by The Killers.

It kind of crept up on me there. Because sometimes I just watch them end. Because you get a little timing, you see. Yeah. Yeah. i'm not just sitting there thinking all this sounds like the end because if it was status quo i could come in start talking and then i get another we don't play status quo on absolute radio don't turn off so yeah so we were talking about when you have things stolen and then they magically reappear. I mean, I don't know if we're going to top the cockerel's tail. No.

Well, we had an email in that, you know, you did a little joke about Kelly Osbourne making a diamond by lying on... I did a little joke. Don't you dare be so dismissive. A little joke. I can't help that sort of thing. You come in here. I do that all the time. I always say to people, oh, I liked your little story. You're semi.

You did a semi-joke about... I'll be the next. He's very reductive. Yes, I did refer to the fact... In case you just tuned in, very briefly, the diamond was lost by Sharon Osbourne. I said, at the time, I'd said, you could put a piece of coal under Kelly's mattress.

She was overweight, and the pressure would have created a diamond, that was it not proud of that joke, but there it is you went a bit what I call 235 235, what is that? it's a reference to the man who texted in yeah, you're right

well somebody has emailed in, Frank, just to let you know you missed one thing from the joke, diamonds can only form at high pressure and temperature approximately 900 to 1300 degrees C. Is that Celsius or centigrade? I don't know. Anyway, he's a clever boy, isn't he? I'm going Celsius. I like that. I like it when they get technical.

I had factored that in because, I don't know, at the time she was drinking a lot, Kelly. Her bed wetting was... It was sulfuric. It was absolutely sulfuric. I mean, she had that relationship with the Phantom of the Opera and after that he had to wear a half mask. We won't ask what they did, but, you know, that was that. I had a diary that was in my handbag.

My handbag was stolen and the diary was returned to me. But here's the bad thing. The diary, it was at a time when i was going through a messy breakup at the time oh yeah yeah and my narrows it down yeah bang sorry and my shrink yes i've had a shrink advised me to i should really express my feelings and so it was did you fall in love with your shrink the way the way up on the sopranosranos? Was it a bloke? No. No, it was a bloke, but I didn't fall in love with him. What I'm asking is, was your shrink fit? No.

So, Frank... Oh, God, now I've got the joke. I've had an idiotic eureka moment. So, anyway, it was kind of ranting to a madwoman. It really was, this diary. Fair enough. The handbag was stolen. I thought, oh, that's really sad. Then I got this

phone call from a friend he said look this guy's found your diary and i said why have you called me said my number must have been scrawled somewhere in it i don't know why anyway i had to go into this guy's house he'd obviously read the entire diary to get the phone number no yeah he looked at me it was a real it was like a sort of prison ward giving you the last death row meal it was like wary pity the look that he gave me you can't be sure that he read it he must have frank it was right in the middle the number yeah but you know he might have just started at that got a couple of pages in and was repulsed that's a that's a possibility well i had that this isn't a stolen it's a lost really but it's a it was a it was something that i tried yeah and um i uh i don't know if you've ever had, I wear contact lenses.

I don't mind owning up to that. Yeah. And I was messing about with one and it went. And I looked down, I looked, you know, sometimes they'll lodge in the fold of a sweater for a month. Anyway, I couldn't find it anywhere. I thought maybe it's gone down the sinkhole right yeah not the flyhole the sinkhole so i thought that's that so anyway um that night i was wearing my spectacles and i was sitting and i thought something in my eye and i went and this

contact lens folded in two emerged from the back of my eye it had done a sort of a lap of honor around my um it came back swathed in aqueous and victorious humor like a british athlete swathed in a union jack after a gold medal performance and i thought god there must be quite a bit of room behind the eye that you don't know about that things can get there. What else is back there? So, yeah, it could be, you know, I'm always looking for storage opportunities. So, I mean, what you could have is a series of different coloured lenses

and you could get them to come round on like a sort of a carousel. That's a lovely idea. So people are talking to you, they look away for a second, suddenly you've got blue eyes. Like Paris Hilton. They look away, cat's eyes. They look back, two pool balls. Back again, ring of fire.

So I had a go, just, I mean, it was, I had a go at trying to get a scallop under my eyelid. You know a scallop? Yes, I know. A raw scallop. I tried to get one under my eyelid to see if it would go. Because I thought it would be absolutely brilliant to be sitting with someone and suddenly to take a scallop out of your eye.

Because I think it was some sort of head matter coming out. But it wouldn't even go close. Wouldn't even go in. Wouldn't go anywhere. Surely it's too big, a scallop. Well, it started... I thought they're quite spongy, but it started to disintegrate if you're rough with them. Right.

So if you're thinking about trying that at home, I think you're going to have to... It's going to need a couple of minutes in the frying pan to give it some sort of a hardened... Firmness. Yeah, to give it some firmness. No, I don't know why I told that terrible story, but at the time it felt like...

It felt quite exciting. We had an email from a bloke, didn't we, about... What was that about well that one we had we had one in the week which i really like yeah about the cock he was talking about the cockerel he is he says he's a long time podcast listener okay first time correspondent lovely he says has the cockerel sound effect been purposely recorded to sound like the bird is actually saying Alan Cochran? The syllables can scan perfectly. And whilst I'm no expert on the diction of poultry, I like that.

Yeah? Very well self-novel. It strikes me as being representative of the sound such a bird would make if it were the Peter Dixon-esque announcer introducing Alan onto the foul version of the show. Peter Dixon's the, you know, Steve Brookstein, X Factor. Oh, OK. The X Factor. I want to try this. I want to see if it does sound like the Cochran is saying Alan Cochran.

Right, let's have a listen. Rubbish. No, that was, that rubbish email was sent in from Graham Morrow, law costs draftsman. I'll tell you something that Graham, and I love Graham, but he does a joke in that, doesn't he, about the eggs factor. He says the eggs factor. And then he says, he does like a...

Badum tish. Badum tish. You know when people do a joke and they go... I hate that. That is one of my big hates. When you do a joke and somebody goes... Oh, shut up! If you don't like it. My girlfriend has a thing.

I'll do a joke and she'll go, very good. And well done, she'll say sometimes. If it's a pun, she'll say well done. But the rim shot. No offence, Graham, thanks for calling in. Stop doing that. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. What do you do in a fade-out like that? Are you supposed to let it just fade out, or are you supposed to talk over the top of it? I don't like instinctively talking over the top of... You know what I mean? I'm not a nightclub shouting at people. Music.

One of my favourite parts of this show is you editing the ends of songs. People don't... There's sometimes, you know, because I get a big pile of CDs sent to me, and I listen to every one, because I was Sometimes, you know, because I get a big pile of CDs sent to me and I listen to every one because I'm proud of the fact we play some new stuff on it. And if it's a long intro, I think,

oh, I'm going to have to bail out of this. I can't have this much intro on absolute radio. Whereas if it's not Elbow, they're already sweating. Not Elbow. He played already sweating. Not Elbow. He played something that wasn't Elbow. Tell him I want to see him in the office. But, yeah, people should do nice, clippy endings like that and get to the vocal early.

That's my advice. Any would-be bands out there, get to the vocal early and when you're done, get out of there. The Skinner book of pop. Yeah, see, they don't get that from cow. You just get destructive criticism. I'm trying to raise people up here. Positive reinforcement.

Have we heard from our magnificent listeners? Well, we have. Studio slash absolute. We've had, Matt and Ryga has texted in, and there have been problems with the text, I'm afraid, just in that we're only getting 140 characters. So Matt says... So if you want to send us half a text, it's on 8, 12, 15.

Knock yourself out. Matt and Rygate says, can I have some kind of voucher for the cost of my previous text and for having to send this one? He's also said... I think we can work that out, can't we? I think we should sort out an absolute voucher. About four and a half pence. He needs to change tariff if he's that worried, I think we can work that out can't we I think we should sort out an absolute four and a half pence, who needs to change tariff

if he's that worried I think yes we've also had a review of both your and Alan's outfits, what? from Australia, the webcam thing, yeah, this is actually an email, can you believe that

some people watch this show? I can scarcely believe they listen, but that they watch. It's beyond the call of duty. I'm not thinking we don't make it visual enough. Wow. Maybe I might... Although you did do the old chest expose. Yeah, I might come about 20 to 10, I might do some rhythmic gymnastics.

Have you got my ribbons, Lisa? Can you get my ribbons? Oh, God, the cockerel's used them for toe ties. For his horrible hairy toe. Well, that'd be something for the webcam, wouldn't it? I would. Hairy toes in ribbons. So it's your turn to do chest expose next week.

But we are quite... Well, he's already done the leg expose. Let's not mention that. Look at my shorts on. Well, in fact, yeah, Alan, it's another Alan, says, hey, guys, loving the summer outfits. Very British summer chic. Yes.

It's from Adelaide, Australia. I'm wearing a short-sleeved shirt, you know, which is fair enough. But Alan has actually got shorts on. To be honest, in London today, it's not that warm. Am I right? Do you know what? He's full-on roadie at latitude.

That's what he is. I have. I've gone very casual. I'm sorry. It was this or a suit. There was no middle ground. You've gone post casual. The way I've been packing, I've gone too casual.

But I'm very comfortable. Oh, he's packing. I'll back him up on that. We've had a great email. Not least because the title of it is Eye Storage. That's not haunting at all. Oh, I'm loving it. I'm loving it. This is in relation to you keeping contact lenses,

another bric-a-brac at the back of your eye. Well, it was a failed attempt to get a scallop into the back of my eye. I once went swimming in a dam with a friend, and when she got out, she had a leech stuck under her eyelid. She was OK once she stopped screaming. Peter, that would have made a lovely eyebrow. It would. And had it actually got purchase on the eyeball?

I think it had got purchase under her eyelid. Under her eyelid. Brilliant. I've since held a theory that our eyes have much more storage than we're aware of, as we were so surprised how big the leech was. I think that's true. I think we's true. I think if anyone else got any sort of more eye-safe

stories, because that's what you could do, you could keep change, maybe, for the meter. Like a pound coin holder. Yeah. Actually, if any children listening, don't put stuff in the back of your eye. Any adults, go for it.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've mentioned on this show before, I have a very poor sense of direction. I mean, virtually, I don't have a sense. I get lost in buildings. You do. I have been lost in in buildings you do um i have been lost in my own flat i said lost is an exaggeration but i i have on a couple of occasions come out the toilet and took the wrong turn honestly so i've gone to the uh you know the office bit rather than to the main lounge right anyone who's listening who's got like a blueprint of my flat at home.

They're the people you're catering for. Well, they're the people I'm trying to keep sweet because they might be a bit, you know, during the torturing when they're trying to get my pin number. They might just take their foot off the pedal a bit if I've been polite to them on air. Anyway, you can never tell in a full-face balaclava whether you're getting empathy or not, I find. That's the beauty of them, I find.

Anyway, Google Maps has been something of a saviour for me. In fact, I wrote to them and said I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now can see. And I didn't know that you couldn't send Amazing Grace lyrics through the post in this country without... I wasn't fine, but I got a telling off. Yeah. The Postmaster General phoned me personally.

Do you know him? Percy? Can't remember his surname. Anyway, so I went up north the weekend with my girlfriend and we had to meet some friends in a public house in Macclesfield and I said well we'll go Google Map

so I got in the Google I can't believe it it took us across fields it took us across a farm through a farm, we had to open a It took us across a farm, through a farm. We had to open a gate and go into a farm. This is all on foot, is it?

Not public footpath. We had to open a gate and go into a farm. I'm never sure in a farm. There's firearms almost always. And there's vigilante farmers. Well, there is. Do you remember that farmer who got burgled and chased one of the burglars?

Yes. Chased him out and then shot him 100 yards down the road. Tony something, wasn't it? Well, let's not name check him. It's the guy from the bike shop. I always thought if I was him, because he was in all the papers at the time, I would have had my picture on a sign that said i live here like they used to do with alsatians just to put people off anyway so i was worried about that and also

there's the pig element that um you know there's a there's a there's a record of um of dead bodies being disposed of by being fed to pigs you know that that's that right yeah i didn't think they had it in them. Oh God, apparently they'll eat... They just chomp on an old lettuce leaf, don't they? No, no, they'll eat... My dad always used to say they even eat the teeth. Yeah. Pigs eat teeth. They eat everything.

If you put a dead body into a pig's thigh, they'll finish the whole... They eat the teeth. You can't even be identifiable by your dental records. No. Well, you'd have to examine the pig's image. The pig's... Or its... Oh, I see.

I'm going to say its excreta. You'd have to get a bit of Gillian McKeith on the pig waist. Yeah, exactly. Let's move it through. So, I was worried about... I'll tell you something now, this is true. I had a pork scratching once I bought when I was living back in the West Midlands and I could see what clearly looked like the H of a love-hate tattoo.

You know the H, the forefinger, with the forefinger of the... Now, that could have been an optical... But how did that get in there? Obviously, somebody with a criminal record who has the love-hate thing out of prison, gone to claim some money that was perhaps hidden, yeah, big argument with the farmer. Next thing you know, you know, get off me porky. That's a line I think you've used a few

times. Oh, yeah. Only last week. Anyway, so we went through the farm and then we had to climb an electric fence. Frank, this sounds very ill-advised. I know, Kath was in heels. But by then, we'd gone too far, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

Luckily, I'd wore rubber sole shoes just in case. It sounds like a 70s public information film waiting to happen. Well, then it got me thinking, how powerful is an electric fence? I mean, is the idea that it's just a little bit of a buzz on the snout to keep the cattle, sheep, whatever, back? Or does it, you know, will it take one out? I mean, you don't see, I've never seen an electric fence in the country with a big pile of cattle at the side of it.

You know, sometimes you'll see a glass lampshade hanging with dead insects in it where they've hit the bulb and dropped. I've never seen a big pile of farm animals next to an electric fence. So I'm presuming it wasn't a killer. Anyway, we had to carefully I got over first to prove that one could survive

and then I had to watch my girlfriend did you throw a jacket across it or something like they used to do on barbed wire on the A team oh that's good Alan would that work with an electric fence I don't think so I stood back with my uh my iphone camera

at the ready i thought i was gonna get one of those moments when there's a bang and you can see the whole skeleton showing through like an x-ray i thought if that's going to happen it'd be a tragedy but it'd be an even it didn't compound the tragedy not to have it on uh on film This is Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio. And then we had to go over like a railway bridge, which is completely overgrown. Three Foot Stingers. Oh. Yeah, which actually would make a good song,

I'm thinking, to the tune of Hong Kong Phooey. Three Foot Stingers. Three Foot Stingers. Never seen a better guy. Well, obviously, I need to work on the energy. And as we waded through, my girlfriend's legs were getting scratched and all, and we had to walk with our arms sort of raised,

like we were prisoners. Oh, prisoners, yeah. Yeah, because otherwise our hands would have been stung. It made me think, why stingers? What are stingers warding off, exactly? Are you talking about stinging nettles? Stingers of all varieties. Oh, OK.

Thistles, nettles. What are they keeping at bay? People. Is it people? Well, surely there aren't plants that are made to keep away people, are there? Are you saying that it's nature's electric fence? Don't assume we have access all areas, Frank, just because we're human beings. But you know how people say, you know,

why wasps and stuff like that? Stingers seem to have got off the hook on that front. I don't see what is the purpose. Perhaps there's some sort of naturalist listening who can let us know. Well, at least let us half know on one of this week's famous half texts. David Attenborough's a fan of the show, I reckon. David Attenborough, I don't like him.

I don't either. He was very grumpy when I met him. Could you stand like that with a camera crew and watch an antelope be torn to pieces without any sort of warning? Yeah. Oh, OK. Yeah, so I don't know. Anyway, in the end, we got to the pub and the people we were meeting weren't even there.

Oh, no. The whole thing had been rearranged. We hadn't been told. So we'd gone through this whole hazardous journey to this pub. And do you know, the bloke said, Oh, Frank Skinner got me behind the bar doing one of the... You know when you have to pose pulling a pint? You didn pull the part i had to do one of those photographs did you really that was my reward for that journey that's a bit paul and martin daniels oh man or or more recent

reboot the barrick obama surely it's a barrick obama yeah well i was waiting for them i was waiting to push a tower of pennies into a blanket i don't know if they do that anymore since the age of the new penny, it used to be a big thing in the pub. It used to be there right next to the Yard of Ale. Also gone. Yep, not many of those nowadays. Balanced the Yard of Ale for about ten years.

I once tried a Yard of Vimto at a church fete. Oh, I was sick. I love a story that ends, Oh, I was sick. Can I say, if there's anyone from Vimto listening, I'm not saying that the drink itself would cause nausea, but you would agree that drunk in that kind of excess at that rate is a mistake. Please don't think, oh, we were going to advertise with Absolute.

No, we're not. Do. It's a lovely, happy family we're running here. Frank, we couldn't sleep. It was 4am and we opened a bottle of wine who said that this week that's my little quiz to get you into my favorite news story we couldn't sleep it was 4 a.m and we opened a bottle of wine who said that this week um 4 a.m we couldn't sleep it was 4 a.m was it um was it the Gaddafi family? No. The Gaddafi.

Open it, open it. Let's open a bottle of wine. Are you really getting bummed? Let's get bummed in every meeting. Get off my scarf. Don't stand on my bronze scarf. Are you crazy? Yes.

It was the Euro lottery people. The lotto winners. Colin and Christine Weir. The Weirs, yes. No relation to Peter, the New Zealand director. No. We don't know that. They might be.

What a lovely couple they seem. Lovely couple. Jolly. Very jolly. I'm just saying they're jolly. They seem jolly. I know you're right. I picked up the paper when it said

the caption on the picture I saw said Mr and Mrs Weir and then in brackets a massive rollover. I thought no need for that. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absol for that. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. So yeah, so the Euro, they've won 161 million, is it, the week? Yeah, 161 million. It's brilliant. I'll tell you what I love about it, is that they seem like, they're not often, I don't know what it is, but people who win big

money appear in the papers tend to be terrible people. Do you remember all those horrible lottery winners that were like... Lotto louts. Yeah. People like that. But they seem like a proper, nice couple. I like the fact they said they were not afraid of this money.

I like that. Yeah, they should be, though. You said that once, didn't you, when you pushed the button? Yeah, when I pressed the button on the National Lottery, I looked into camera and said, don't blame me if it ruins your life. I just wanted to wash my hands of the hole. It was like Pilot, Pilot on the balcony.

Very similar, actually. It was, yeah. And they were calling out, you know, oh, do Guinevere. Barabbas, yeah. And they were calling out, you know, oh, do Guinevere. Barabbas, release. There is no machine called Barabbas. That's the Israeli lottery show. Four?

I had a bit of a falling out with them about it. No, this couple, though, I mean, that thing, she said, I had a glass of white wine when we heard. She said, I only normally have that at Christmas. And that's what worries me, is that life could be Christmas for these two forever. said i had a glass of white wine when we heard she said i only normally have that at christmas and that's what worries me is that life life could be christmas for these two forever already are you suggesting it could all go to central reservation in birmingham well but you know that's about reference to something from my private life um i just think that christmas

is a time of i mean when you just don't, yes, I'll have another one of those. Thank you very much. You know, I'll work it off in January. Yeah. And, of course, if January isn't coming, I worry for these two. Because they're a nice couple. And I want to put this in the nicest possible way. They look like, you know, they enjoy their food.

I think they do. I know I'm being nice about it. I'm just saying it's a temptation. I think giving someone 161 million quid, it's a big step. That's all I'm saying. It's a lot of money. Yes.

It does say in the paper they visit their fish and chip shop three times a week. It says it in the paper. Three times a week. See, that's going to go to seven. Do you know, though... It could be seven. It could stop at three.

Well, they look like people... It's only finance keeping them back. It did worry me. They were having the wine and Dawn was breaking. Took me back to the 90s. Is that her name, Dawn? Hank!

You looked a bit like Chris Evans in prosthetics. No, but I'm serious. I think it's really a dangerous thing to give people. Mrs Weir, as I was, she said we was tickled pink when we heard. Oh, that's lovely. What the best response ever to winning 161 million quid.

I don't think it is going to change them. He said that they're not even going to change car, and then she went, I am. The rift has started. She'll be going out with some 18-year-old bloke, give it another six months. But he was brilliantly Scottish about it as well, because he said, oh, we probably wouldn't change car,

because what's the point in changing car if your car's reliable? I just really like the fact that my car's reliable. That's what he did, a Presbyterian approach to winning the lottery. It's brilliant. We've got two reliable cars. I think it is. Do you know what, though? I think they should have ticked the no publicity box. That's what I would have done. If I won that money, partly because I wouldn't want people outside my dwelling

trying to get a humble shot of it. I wouldn't want that. And I wouldn't want the old champagne bottle. It's just, no. I know you mean it. I think she did reach across to tick the publicity box, but she had a tray on her lap. And

that meant for a problem. Look, I'm going to go across to our, I think she's in Newcastle this week, Sandy, our Newcastle studio with the travel. We only have this access. This is Frank Skinner Absolute

Radio. Set fire to the rain by Adele. Adele, who's got us reading, has got her own TV show coming up. Has she? It's called Adele Fix It. In which people send in broken electrical items. Yeah. And she mends them on the show

while doing very moving torch songs. Oh. Yeah. Apparently, Alison Moyet did the pilot and they dropped her for... Thanks. That's not the way to treat people, in my opinion. Anyway, that's television.

So, speaking of celebrity and all its manifestations it's been a fabulous week for the uh the beckhams oh yes finally got um a little girl yeah hopper seven i don't know when it was born but um you can't get around that though can you it does sound like hopper seven yeah it does but he did say apparently on his Facebook which is I don't know if you know it's a social network thing. You're more MySpace. Frank likes MySpace. I am MySpace. Me and the emo girls.

Yes. Yes. But it's named after it. She's named after Harper Lee who wrote Victoria's favourite book, To Kill a Mockingbird. She loves that book. Yeah, she probably...

She loves that darn book, Frank. Yeah, when she bought it, she thought it was an instruction manual. Apparently there was one keeping them awake at night, just on the joining telegraph pole. Turned out to be her first ever novel. Loved it. Yeah. Hasn't read anything since, but she loved that one.

No, but I think the second child, Boo Radley, he's a brutish character. I really like the name, though, Frank. Do you really? Yeah, I think it's... No, Harper's Seven. I like the idea of just numbering the children. Yeah.

And why bother with the Harper bit? Well, they've already got three boys, so they could have just called her The Girl. Yeah. For ages bother with the Harper bit? Well, they've already got three boys, so they could have just called her The Girl. Couldn't they? For ages. Where's The Girl? Yeah, but The Girl Beckham as she gets older is not going to... I like the fact that it sounds like a time as well. We had

a girl at school called Nellie Lunchtime. And we'd say someone come in, is it Nellie Lunchtime? No, it's only ten to ten, what are you talking about? It used to be very confusing and there was that Spanish kid as well Juan 45

he he cost how many of these have you got? Oh I've got a million of them No but it's, I like that, it's great if a name sounds like like half and half a seven. Well, since MasterChef Goes Large has been on

and they keep making Rostis, I find it very difficult to take Salmon Rosti seriously without thinking it is a Salmon Rosti. I don't even know what a Rosti is. I think it's a grated potato. Oh, yes. Yeah. You can probably get a Salmon Rosti.

You probably can get a Salmon Rosti. Yeah. They're yes. Yeah. Potato cake. You can probably get a salmon Rosti. You probably can get a salmon Rosti. Yeah. They're out again now. They went off the market for a few years. Back in vogue. Yeah, exactly. Justin Beaver. Tank.

What? Yeah. Rob DeBank. That sounds to me... Oh, yes. That sounds like someone who's... It's a bit like Rob the Bank, isn't it, Rob de Bank? Yeah. It's very clever what he's done.

And his parents surely saw that coming. They must have missed her and Mrs de Bank. Yeah, the de Banks. Well, the de Banks is what we're going to call him. They're a wonderful family, the de Banks. What about Rob? No, but the problem is... The problem is open.

Oh! That was the name of the wife. The problem is, it sounds a bit like Rob the Bank, don't you think? No, don't think so. Well, okay. Well, you know better than me.

But interestingly, Frank, they, so the Beckhams, they worked out the Beckhams are worth about 161 million, about, and that's exactly what the lotto winners. So they're going to be as rich as the Beckhams are worth about £161 million. About. And that's exactly what the lotto winners. So they're going to be as rich as the Beckhams now. Overnight?

I know who I'd rather go on holiday with. Yeah. Yeah, because the Beckhams, I don't think they're fun. You don't look at them and think they're fun. Whereas the Weirs, I bet you'd have a great laugh. Yeah. Bang. I think you would.

I just think they look like nice, calm people. I hope that they banked the cheque at Santander And on the way out walked past the adverts with Lewis Hamilton And thought, we're richer than you now I really hope Are they richer than Lewis Hamilton? Oh, well he can't have earned as much as the Beckhams, can he? He must be

If they're as rich as the Beckhams, they're richer than Lewis I'm so pleased for them I'm worried for them I'm going to say that again I'm not Do you know why? People worried for them. I'm going to say that again. I'm not. Do you know why? People need counselling.

If they win that much money, they can't just leave them to it. No, but you can buy friends when you've got that much money. You can buy friends. You can buy pick and mix as well. That's all I'm saying. And you can buy the JCB to deliver it. What could you buy, though?

That's a lot of money, isn't it? I just like the idea, if I had that much money, I'd just have Fabergé eggs in the fridge. Would you? Oh, in that little tray in the door? That'd be fabulous excess. Fabergé egg action, I'd just and bring people around, I'd go,

do you want any eggs? No, they're probably a bit past their sell-by date. Oh, there'd be people around, don't worry, if you're 161 million, that's what I'd buy a fortress. Buy a fortress, a standing army and a false beard. Your life would be ruined. These people need help. And if they

want to give me a call, I'd be very happy to be friend. I have already too late. Okay, fair enough. Well, if I won that much, I don't know, I saw a very nice Torchwood box set the other day, which I thought, it was reduced to 30 quid and I thought it's still too expensive.

If I'd won the 161 million, I'd have bought it there and then. What about that? It's a price-sensitive purchase, isn't it? Yeah. You're just 161 million shy of buying yourself that box set. It's a pity. It wasn't even the complete... I think it was only the first three series.

Oh, no. Yeah, I might wait and, you know, see how it goes. I don't do the lottery, so it's unlikely I'm going to... I don't want the money. I want the money. Blood money, as far as I'm concerned. I don't want the publicity, though. Eh?

I want people to think I've inherited it. Well, there was a bit of... Before they were identified, there was a bit of local gossip. I was in our local stationery shop. Well, there was a period of their life when they weren't even identified. Yeah, just known as him and her. Like the Beckhams' daughter, the girl. And we were in our local stationery shop

and apparently somebody in the area of Manchester that I live had been into the bank and paid off their mortgage and said I've won the lottery so there was a bit of a like it could be a neighbor of ours but I think it must have been one of the other winners that only won like a million or two million or something well we're gonna have to leave it on that cliffhanger because Ben Jones is banging on the window oh no and Ben Jones next. If you want to download the midweek podcast, that'll be available on Wednesday morning. I don't think I have

anything else to tell you people. That's it from me. Thank you very much for listening. We love you all. I'm sorry about the half text. It'll be fixed next week. End of line. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio.