The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Harkle

Episode Date: December 2, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is after some advice about his Cockney accent. The team also discuss the Royal engagement, Beyoncé's holiday jumper and Panda cars.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Morning, Peter. Morning, Jim. Morning, Richie. Are you going to do your Absolute Radio and all that stuff? Oh, I've got to do that thing. Sorry, the notes were way over to my left. I don't want to seem like I'm helping you out in your career. Sarah's producing today and I've got every confidence in her. It's not been a great start.

So, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at frankontheradio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Frank? We've heard from the outside world already this morning. Yeah, indeed.

We've had some tweets in. Firstly, and very excitingly, James Wadham has been in touch to say, does Frank realise he's part of a top Trump's card set now? He gets beaten by Rusty the Dalek, though, don't we, old dear? Well, we're doing the SNN community. That's great news. Is he still going, is he, Rusty?

Yeah. We call him the Dalek because he likes to use one of those kitchen plungers. Yes, yes. I knew you were going to tell people why.

I did know that. In fact, of course, I own, well, I actually own two different copies of that Top Trumps set. Hey, that's exciting for Buzz.

Is Buzz excited? I haven't told him yet. I don't think he knows the concept of Top Trumps. Are they big with the small children now, Top Trumps? Have they been destroyed by the President Trump? Not yet. Oh, I thought you were going to say the entire basis of them is a bit too competitive as well.

It'd be good, wouldn't it, if there was one based just on the Trump family? Oh, that'd be good. You know, Ivanka and all the little ones. I've got Junior. Yeah, another business idea you've had there. Yeah, exactly. Go on, take it.

Someone will be thinking I'm having that. I'd like Tiffany. Good luck with it. Feed your family. She's my favourite Trump, Tiffany. I don't know Tiffany. Well, there you go. That's why she's my favourite. What I don't know Tiffany well there you go that's why she's my favourite

what would she score for bravery you my friend scored 32 32 for bravery I'm having that that's a good score

48 brains 2 terror there you go that sounds really a fair summary of my life yeah I'd say so

I think it is based on your role in the Doctor Who franchise physical bravery would be a bit Yes, I mean, on physical bravery would be a bit lower. Terror, I'm low on terror.

Generally speaking. But brains, obviously. Big time. Up there, innit? Extraordinary thing to say about yourself. Not for Frank, I don't think. There'll be professors listening to this snorting with derision.

Maybe. I have an email that I found on my Friday night troll that I think... Get you? If we have any new readers of the show, this, I think, gives them kind of a little taste of the flavour that this show can bring. Hi, Alan. G'day, Frank. Hiya, DME. Darling Miss Emily. Divine Missay, Frank. Hiya, DME, darling Miss Emily.

Divine Miss Emily, even. Yep. Got a slightly odd correction here for you. Excuse me. Odd in so much as that I thought last week that Frank was wrong to refer to the common brickwork pattern along the top of many castle walls as castellation. I was sure that he ought to have said crenellation.

Whilst I'm a long time listener of the show I am a lifelong pedant And was keen to point out Frank's mistake to him In the form of a correctione However discussing this point With my wife She told me that Frank wasn't actually wrong But I wasn't either

Both terms can be used Then we switched to caps Who knew? Well my wife did. But then she grew up in a house with crenellation, or should that be castellation? Praise redacted as per your request, Nugget. Okay.

I think that has a lot of the sort of things that we talk about in there. Castellations, crenellations, and crexiones. Yes, yeah. And massive pedantry. Yes, it's a very castle-themed show, generally speaking. Sometimes we might have Torritz syndrome.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had another tweet in, this time from Kate. Oh, yeah. She says, whatever happened to tubes in meat? When we were kids, we often found tubes in mints, especially in school dinners. Or is it that I just don't eat school dinners anymore? Now, the thing is, this sounded quite familiar to me because I believe this was one of,

when Frank Skinner was a guest on Room 101 many years ago, was this not one of your inclusions, Frank? It was. Exactly that. I chose tubes in me. And it was when Nick Hancock hosted it. The first doctor, as I like to call it. I'm the third doctor. Yeah.

And they found me some fabulous examples. One got like multiple arteries running through it I think I described it as a meat harmonica and attempted to play it on the show but yeah, great minds, great minds Kate? Well great minds and also just highlights what I often think is that when I have an

amusing thought I think Frank's got there first but here's a question. Did it go in Room 101, the tubes and the thing? Because that could be her answer when she says, what happened to it? The answer could be Frank put it in Room 101 and now it's not here anymore.

I don't know. Perhaps the show has more power than any of us realised. That's possible, yeah. Funnily enough, I was invited to a screening of Sophie's Choice at the BFI. Just this week. Oh, let her review. And that was one of my choices on the...

Sophie's Choice. Yeah. I had a terrible thing when I got the... We borrowed my brother's VHS. He was one of the first men, I think, in Britain, to have a VHS player. Who was that? And when he went on holiday,

he was frightened about leaving it in the house. What, our Keith was? No, our Terry. Our Terry. Sorry. So we took it over to our house for safety. I mean, it took a bit of shifting. It was a big... So I thought I'd get a nice weeping

for my mum and dad to watch, and there's a lot of swearing in Sophie's Choice. Oh, dear. I had to walk out the room. Oh, no. And then my mum came and knocked on my door, and I said, no, please, I can't go back down there.

And she said, you've got to... We don't know how to switch it off. And I could hear this swearing coming from... So I hate Sophie's choice. Well, she didn't like it much either. No, it was a grim one, admittedly. But, you know, if you're going to make an omelette...

So, I'll tell you what I did this week. It's, you know, Christmas is imminent. It's upon us. I don you know, Christmas is imminent. It's upon us. I don't know if you remember imminent. He was Mr. Humphreys in Are You Being Served? So I went to the Old Vic. Did you? Lovely.

Scene of the Crime. And I went to the Old Vic for Christmas Carol. Oh, yes. Which is a new adaptation with I'm gonna I'm gonna try this now a Reese fans yeah is this your one of your brother-in-law's production it is my but it is yes my brother-in-law did it and he obviously Charles Dickens did he yeah but he is your brother-in-law yeah he's my brother-in-law yeah I can I Dickens is my brother-in-law.

I can now announce... You get lots of lovely tickets since he's been in the family. Oh! I'm a bit jelly-bagged. Look, I got tickets before. But what about this? So we got there and he he

you know you can buy the book of the script when you go into a theatre sometimes oh yes so he dashed off to the counter and he got me the book of the script didn't give one any of the other party of our party didn't get them one just got me one

I thought well that's lovely and he said have a look at the and I had a look and the dedication for Frank. No. Oh, man. Oh, shut up. I was, even talking about it now, I get a bit teary.

I would be really choked up by that. And Rhys Evans, who was marvellous in it, a Scrooge, I saw him after and said, oh, you were absolutely brilliant, which is great when you see something you can just be honest. Yes, and it was good. I was really marvellous. The half sets had raves. And I said, by the way, have you seen this? I got the old... Then I saw Eunice

Dobbs. I said, hello, have you seen this? And I became the party boy showing my dedication. I mean, even to people who were in it. You've got to be careful showing your dedication off these days. It wasn't about me. No. Although it is.

But what I was going to say, they sang... There was lots of Christmas carols, sort of background music and stuff, sung by the cast. And one of them was God rest ye merry gentlemen. I had to stop myself there because I've never suffered much with the spoonerism. You know the spoonerism when you reverse the beginnings of words? Yes. But I said, someone was talking about the thing and Scrooge doesn't like that particular hymn.

And I said, oh yeah, God rest ye, Jerry Mentalman. Oh. And I think someone thought I was being pro-Nazi. Oh, dear. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm still talking about the dedication. Oh, the Christmas carol, yeah.

Oh, I felt like singing dedication. The Russ Abbott song. No, Roy Castle. Oh, that's right, yeah. You're thinking of Atmosphere. I was, yeah. I was worn out, wasn't I, really? Anyway, God rest ye gerrymental men, I think.

Spoonerism. That was an accidental pun. Some people would spend their whole life dreaming of making a pun like that. It just fell off me like windfall. Which people? Comedy people. Comedy people.

Come on, gerrymental men. I mean, that's the Nazis summed up in a slight rejig of a popular hymn. I'm not going to argue with that. Now, I've seen photographs of this stills, press stills, I believe they're called, of Christmas Carol. Oh, yeah.

That's a lovely girl. Well, my mother, who was an actress, always said the most insulting thing you can say to someone after a performance of any sort is, your hair look nice. Oh, yeah. But I performance of any sort is, your hair look nice. Oh, yeah. But I do think Risa Phan's hair look nice. I think he's a brilliant actor and he's had good reviews,

but I just thought he's found his look. I have to see you at stage and his hair looked great. Victorian Miser look. Yes. His look is Scrooge. It's a great look for him. I love Victorian Miser chic. That's really the thing this season.

It really suited him. I did think about that because obviously he's a bloke from a poor background, Scrooge, who gets rich and then becomes very taciturn and doesn't have any friends. I started to think a bit more about the dedication. There was a hint there was a hint being dropped

I'm still concerned that you think his hair in the show is his hair in real life well if it's not I want a word with him when I spoke to him after he still had the sideburns good can you tell him to keep it like that well I don't think I met him once that's slightly limiting for an actor though

you have to keep your hair like that well sometimes you find your look Frank Skinner has found his look hair wise It's been long It has It's been shorter than this I like it as it is Oh don't show off

Yeah on the radio with his bursting ways I have a friend who's a very keen mod They love the rules, don't they? And he carries a photograph of Paul Weller in his wallet in case he ever goes for a

haircut and then he just shows them I want this and they cut his hair like that. So maybe Rhys I want this, like Little Britain Lou and Andy. Maybe Rhys Ephans could just carry a copy of Rhys Ephans. Is it Ephans? and Andy. Maybe Rhys Ephans could just carry a copy of... What's Rhys Ephans? Is it Ephans?

I think it's Rhys Ephans. Oh, yes. I would say... I didn't get the Welsh little that you bring to it. Rhys Ephans. Oh, okay. Okay. You say potato.

Yeah. I was... Maybe you need to Christmas Carol in this part. I must have told you about when I was on tour and I had my hair cut and the bloke said, how would you like it? And there was a poster of me across the road.

I mean, come on. We've just had a whatever happened to text in. Oh, yes. Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. Whatever happened to pulling up all the windscreen wipers on your friend's car if you see their car parked in town? Oh, yeah. What's that? I've never done that.

I think that's gone, but I've had it done to me recently by exactly the sort of person that would also flick a towel at you if you were to go past them. But what's the point of it? It's a jape. Just a minor irritation, kind of, you know, matey, almost sort of bullying bants, I would say. I don't like that.

That kind of thing. Jock behaviour. Well, Coulthard and Wilson, I'm not quite... Yeah, they would have done it. Yeah, they're believed they're a shoe shop. They say, whatever happened to having a crick in the neck? Oh, I think that's still going, isn't it? I haven't had a crick for a long time.

Haven't you? Sorry about that. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever happened to blood groups? That was... Whatever happened to... People always used to talk about blood group.

What type you are. You still have a blood group, darling. No, I know I still have one, but no one talks about it. It used to be like a first date thing. So, what's your blood group? Well, you're right. It was some very thorough first dates, didn't you? That always cropped up.

Then, you know, if you were both, you know, if you evolved in an accident. Is it type O? Tony Hancock based an entire comedy conceit around it. Did he? I believe so. Well, I mean, blood transfusion, but the blood group thing, yeah. You'd always ask on a first date.

There was more drinking and driving in those days. Often you had to, you know, you both ended up in hospital and you were helping out. But, yeah, we used to be I mean I don't know my own now I honestly don't know my own but you would have then yes I certainly don't know any of yours

I mean we've never discussed it I don't think I know my own isn't it amazing doing this show well I'm Reese's negative which sounds like a character in Game of Thrones I think he was Ebenezer Scrooge yeah it's gone anyway Which sounds like a character in Game of Thrones. I think he was Ebenezer Scrooge. Yeah, it's gone anyway.

Gone, all the things are off. There's a lovely photo in What's On Stage has just come up of you with your calf. Oh, yeah. Backstage and your brother-in-law and Risa Fans. Risa Fans. Yeah. Do you mean them? Risa Fans?

You're wearing the strawberry v-neck, which you've got on today. I am. I'll tell you why I'm wearing this. You call it strawberry, I'm calling it pink. I'm calling it burnt rose. I'll go puce. Okay. The reason I'm wearing it is that my child at school told

the kids that one of his favourite colours was pink and he got mocked and laughed at by his schoolmates and he came home a bit upset so I've worn a pink jumper all week in solidarity oh good not that I'm in solidarity anymore

I feel we achieved our ends when Gorbachev brought down Sovietism I've got, speaking of acting, I think we were, I've got an acting job this week, which I can't talk too much about. Congratulations. Thank you very much.

You're welcome. And I play, here's the Rob, I, here's the Rob, I have to play a cockney. Oh, okay. That's what I thought. How's that going to go? Well, to play a cockney. Oh, okay. That's what I thought. How's that going to go? Well, that's a good question.

One of my pet hates. I think what I'd put into Room 101, if I was on there, again, after Meat and Tubes, is when you see something and they don't quite get the accent. Oh, yeah. Don't quite get it.

It lapses. I mean, you do do a lot of the voices on here.. Oh, yeah. Don't quite get it. It lapses. I mean, you do do a lot of the voices on here. I know, but a consistent... Often with a point. But, Al, what about when Frank had to do an audition with an American accent? I know. That didn't go well.

No, well, I only do one American accent, as you know. Do you want to do the voice that you did in the audition, please, Frank, in case people haven't heard it? I was playing, I believe it was a gay lawyer. Right. In a film called L.A. Law or something like that. L.A. Law was a popular television. Oh, no, maybe it wasn't.

It had the word law in it. Okay. Law-abiding citizen. Maybe. Anyway, I was a gay lawyer and I was talking to this woman about how everyone was on their laptops in this place, no one was talking to each other. But the only American voice I do is Wild West Alzheimer.

Yeah. So she says something like, I was busy in here a day, Paul, and I said, yeah, but one thing I don't get is why everyone sits there on their laptops. Why don't they talk to their real friends? She just looks at me in astonishment. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So, any tips on the Cockney accent?

You're both actors. Well, I would say don't go for what I call Rada Cockney. Oh, yeah. Which is so many, which is a bit Barbara Windsor. Can I say... All right, darling, how you doing? Well, I agree with that, except there is a slight distinction. This is set in the 1960s, When One Feel,

and it's also in the underworld. When One Feel, so I was a bit more of the older. That's it. That sounded all right, you know. I'll tell you what I'm worried about. I didn't mind that. Oh, didn't mind it. I like that.

Had a touch of Frank Butcher to me. Is that who you're basing it on? What's his name? Not especially, that's more Wallop. What's his name? not especially that small wallop I had to say my aunt

my auntie's in it and that was what I struggled with would a 60's Cockney say auntie and lose the T altogether or would he say auntie well the second is a bit more your modern Cockney, your Danny Dyer

auntie whereas I think you might be right to go for the first auntie tea. Well, the second is a bit more your modern Cockney, your Danny Dyer, I'd say. Whereas, I think you might be right to go for the first. Artie? Yeah. It's a slightly donkey-esque. Hang on. Artie or auntie? Yeah. 8, 12, 15. There you go. There must be some Cockneys listening. Just put down

the fruit for one second. I know you're laying the stall out at this time. Actually, it's probably out by now, isn't it? Yeah, just have a moment. Should I say auntie or auntie? Yeah.

Well, the producer is nodding at the second one, but then she's the younger Jen. She's from Hull. I'm going to ask someone from Hull about my Cockney accent. It's because she's produced it. She thinks she's an authorityull. Yeah. I'm going to ask someone from Hull about my Cockney accent. Because she's produced it, she thinks she's an authority figure on everything. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I went to the House of Lords this week. Oh. Yeah. I saw a thing. I mean, I'm... What was that for, then? I was invited by Baroness Bakewell.

Oh, lovely. Of course he was. She worked with them all, you know. She really has. I was standing in the... I suppose it was a sort of vestibule. Oh. And it was more of a singly.

You've got previous with the speaker, Frank. Well, that was at Commons, though. Oh, yes, Commons. I've been there when it's been empty, but I've never been in there when it's been in session before. Anyway, David Blunkett came in, Lord Blunkett of Sheffield. Somewhere.

And someone, he can't take the dog in the chambre, so the dog was led away and he went off with the white stick. He powered forward with tremendous confidence. Really? The stick went straight through this bloke's legs, standing in front of me. And he sort of went, whoa! And then he said, oh, sorry, sorry.

And then he stuck it in this woman's leg. I mean, he absolutely created havoc. They were terrified, these people. And I really, it was brilliant in a many way. I quite like him for that. It was David Blonk. He'd think he'd just get out of the way. I haven't got time.

Has he still got Sophie? It was like Darth Vader with the old lightsaber out. I don't know what the dog, I thought it was Bess, his dog. No, he had Sophie, the celebrity guide dog. I liked her. I'm sure it was Bess. Oh, OK. David Brown, kid's dog.

I just thought I met a Sophie at the GQ Awards. I may have been wrong. Oh, what, the dog? Surely everyone that goes to the GQ Awards meets our Sophie. But it's not always, like, a celebrity. Bess might have, you know, dog said only forever. Sorry, kids. Merry Christmas. You know, dogs that only live forever. Sorry, kids. Merry Christmas.

We have to accept that. Humans too, just FYI. Sorry, kids. So I went in till they have a question time. I didn't even know they had a question time at the Lords.

Oh, yeah. That was also... Were you allowed to ask a question? No, I couldn't ask. But they get up. They don't have a... The speaker doesn't do that shouting down thing.

So they get up and they say, My Lords, My Lords, and there'll be two people doing it at the same time, like a big standoff. And sometimes it lasts for like 20 seconds. People go, My Lord, My Lord, My Lord, and trying to talk over each other. You know that bit on Mock the Week

when you try to walk up to the microphone? Is it? Yeah. It's exactly like that. It was very strange. I recently looked up on a website how not to be sexist.

Yes. Was it on how not to be sexist.com? I can't remember what it was called but I thought I'd check it out. The website crash or something. It's an element of speed awareness course about it. Yeah. So I had a look and it said,

wanting never ever talk over a woman. Oh. I know. Great. But it was completely flouted in the House of Lords. Right. There was Lord Tebby and this woman and he's normally such a mild-mannered, sweet bloke.

Anyway, it was great. There was the questions. There was two on the AIDS. There was Michael Cashman asked a question on the AIDS. You know Michael Cashman? He used to be in EastEnders. Now Lord Cashman. Is he Lord Cashman?

And then there was a question about old people falling over in the home. Was there? Well, I was all ears. House of Lords, that was a biggie. Yeah. And then it ended with a slap wrist for Donald Trump was the last thing for... Was it?

He's gone a bit... He's gone rogue. He's gone a bit you've been framed this week. He's not gone rogue. No, but he's gone more rogue than ever. Some people were surprised. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so he was attacked as well.

I mean, formally. Formally attacked. It was brilliant, actually. I had a great day. I put a lunch. It was good. I put a lunch in the barrier. I love the House of Lords.

Just a little tip. I'm moving that way. Are you? Lord Skinner of Oldbury. Oh, this is going to be like when he hinted his way into a Doctor Who role. He's now going to go on the radio until he's a lord. It actually worked.

It worked. It set a terrible precedent. I mean, how do you get to be a lord, lord? You don't have to be a politician. Mainly you hint on commercial radio. Is that the way forward? Yeah, absolutely. It started. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you want to step the way forward? Yeah, absolutely. It started. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you may, if you wish, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You choose. Frank, in addition to your Cockney Sparrow role, there's been some other big news this week.

I would like to talk about Harkle. That's what I've heard the portmanteau word for them. Harkle, really? Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Have you got any improvements on Harkle? What about Mary? Well, why can't they?

Oh, that's good. That's a bit topical. Yeah, Mary. Why can't they go with Prince Harry, as in PH, and call them Farkle? I'm not sure about Farkle. You don't think so? I quite like Farkle.

Is there an air of jeopardy for commercial radio every time I say Farkle? Yes, I wish you'd stop saying it. It's, er... Harkle, Harmeg, Hammy. No, I'm with Harkle. I like Harkle. I think most people are going with Royal Wedding, aren't they? They're using that as the...

Those bores. So what do we think of this union? Are we overjoyed? Overjoyed. Are you? Yeah. Well, I have a question. Go on.

I think there's been a lot of talk about the mixed race, which is great. There's been a hint that she might be Catholic. Yeah, well, she went to a Catholic school. Went to a Catholic school, but some of them lapsed up to the eyeballs, as my priest used to say. Is she a divorcee? Well,

she's a divorcee, but we don't know. There could have been a, um, all sorts of stuff going on there. Could have been, um, fingered. An old. An old. Okay. Um, I... I'm interested. Even if she's a divorcee, I believe that she can get permission

to marry in a church again, can't she? Do you? Yeah. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up and smell the incense, mate. Justin Welby wished them well. Yeah, but that's a different...

They're a bit more... Different graph. How are they? No, but if she's a Catholic, right. Right. He's always got the Catholic angle. I love it. I know he's something like fifth in line to the throne.

He's sixth. I mean, he's currently, to be fair though, Danny Dyer's ninth. Yeah. You're about seventh. Who do you think you are? Royal family, though. You only need a couple of hunting accidents.

You've got a Catholic queen and a ginger king. I think I might have a drink that day. What about when that person in the crowd, when they're on their walkabout, and he said, well done getting her, you're a ginger. Because he was a red-headed man himself who said that. Oh, I see. And Harry responded, he went, I know.

Did he? I'm a prince too, by the way, just in case you were wondering. On the Danny Dyer front... Ring him for some tips on the copy. No, but I looked her up to see what her background was. Right. Meghan Markle. If she's got any royal lineage.

Yeah, and she is related to Edward III. No. Really? Which is the same as Danny Dyer, so she's related to Danny Dyer. Oh, that's fabulous. Danny Dyer will be, in some ways, a member of the royal family. That is breaking news here.

Now, I don't know how many haunted accidents we'd need to get him on the throne, but what a thought, though. He proposed over roast chicken, which I thought was not the most romantic of meals. Oh, it's great, though, because people are often in a very good mood straight after a roast chicken, don't you think? People love food with a handle.

I think so. I mean, that's the joy of roast chicken. I mean, I've never been proposed to, but I could imagine after eating a roast chicken, never been proposed to. But after a roast chicken, I think I would probably say yes to most proposals because I'm just in a good mood anyway

to just eat a roast chicken. I think they had a roast chicken. They ate a roast chicken. It might even have been a rotisserie one from a supermarket. Because it's a family tradition. You know Henry VIII with the old bones going over the shoulder?

I like to think that lives on. Well, to be fair, Harry has got something of the thin Henry VIII about him. Yeah, really? I think so. I can see that. A bit gap-toothed and just something on the redhead. I'm not suggesting that Henry VIII's the father.

I mean, there's been some talk, but that puts a tin hat on it. We can confirm that's not in suggest. You never know, do you? The spirit of Henry VIII. Yeah. He's Henry as well. Harry. That's his real name, isn't it?

Henry. And we need to discuss the matchmaker. Close quotes. Well, we'll come back to that. If we're talking about Christmas snacks, let's have a gap. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we're talking about Harkle. Now, I've got to be completely straight with you. I'm just not buying the matchmaker story. What is the matchmaker story you've alluded to? What matchmaker story is that?

What are you talking about? Hold your high horses. Let the lady speak. Yeah, don't talk over women. That's one of the rules of not being sexy. Excuse me. We were grilling her. I have been given a special dispensation by the House of Lords.

So, the story, when they asked them, they said, Sir, may I ask how you met? Yes, it was a friend of ours, acted as a matchmaker, a mutual friend, but we don't want to name her. We'd like to protect her privacy. Oh. Hmm. Is there a friend?

Or was he just a massive fan of her show? Oh. And I'm just saying maybe, I don't know this happened, but maybe one of his people got in touch and arranged a meeting. Do you think it's like Michael Caine? I will marry that girl. I was under the impression for some time that is what happened. I thought that's what happened.

So this whole matchmaker story, all I'm saying is it's news to moi. Right. OK? But it's quite 70s, which I like, but I think they realised it's not very Christmassy. It's not very Richard Curtis, the Michael Caine story, is it? I think... Saw her on the telly, loved her, called up her people.

Can't be more Christmassy than a matchmaker. True enough. Oh, what? However they met, it's happening. So there you go. But she said she didn't know who he was. You know, that old one. I know.

Come on, you can't say that about Prince Harry. I know. When people... That was pretty cool. The amount of women who said to me, I didn't even, you know, didn't really know who you were. Right. The fact I was on stage with that microphone.

You didn't know I was testing. They say it a lot. Your house is full of Frank Skinner posters. It's all right to go out with someone because he's a prince. I mean, if you fall for someone, you fall for the whole package, the physical and the, you fall for the whole package, the physical and the job. But I think maybe they think it's better to make it more Richard Curtis and say a mutual friend.

I understand why they've done it. Might have been Tinder, we don't know, do we? Yeah. Ice last Tinder. Yeah. There probably is an exclusive... That's what they used to call Windsor Castle. Well, that's where they're getting married.

Come on, that was a Windsor Castle fire joke. I got it, I got it. Frank, I loved it. For history fans, that was... Yeah, not that long ago. This news in, I think I read, this is from 457, Meghan was to be baptised and confirmed C of E prior to the wedding. So, I'm sorry to tread on your dreams, Frank.

I've gone off her. Really? That's an outrage. Yeah. To change one's essential beliefs to marry into money. Well. Is that good? That's awful.

I mean, I'm still gutted about the Armada not making it. She's changing her religion. I believe so. You know Nicole Kidman did that to marry Tom Cruise. You see where that ends up. What if she was an atheist? May I bring atheism

to it? What if she said I don't want a church wedding? Then keep out the Catholic schooling system. Give somebody else a place. Anyway, this is not a... Are they just sure? No, by no means. You don't think? Look, I...

Do you like them as a couple, though? I like him. Sure. Any high-profile ginger is good by me. Actually, you may know I have a ginger son, and since then I have become, as I've said to gingers, what Joanna Lomley was to the Gurkhas. Yeah?

Yeah. I mean, that didn't work out very well. You see, I'm more, I like her, and I'm not so keen on him, I'm afraid. Oh, really? There's something a bit sort of like those blokes that post on Facebook, and there's a picture of the ring and the boy done good. Oh, right. I'm not so sure about him.

I think he's punching, and he knows it, and I'm pleased for him. He's about above average. I'm calling him a prince. Prince of the status. Yeah, but's punching and he knows it and I'm pleased for him. He's back above average. He's not going to the prince. Yeah, but look at the state of it. If a prince can't get an attractive woman, then these are poor times indeed. In his youth, he's

been in and out of the papers for various bits and bobs. I didn't know where that was going. Well, he's a reformed playboy as well. I think there's a nice thing of, like, if you just leave people, let them get stuff out of their system, they might end up being nice family. We won't see another Nazi arm band out of him.

Don't worry about that. Those days are gone. Well, I mean, you know. Never say never. God rest the gerrymantlemen. I think that was his... That's what he said on his Christmas cards that year. But what put me... I'll be honest, I mean, I think that was his... That's what it said on his Christmas cards that year. But what put me...

I'll be honest, I mean, I don't know them. Kath met him recently, my partner, and said he was very lovely. Really? That's good enough for me. I was... And I thought, she's, you know... I mean, I can only judge her by...

She's, you know, she's an attractive woman. I don't think we're going to dispute that. I looked her up on Wikipedia. First thing it said, actress model humanitarian. Right. That put me off. Who calls herself a humanitarian? It might have been a Wikipedia.

Well, am I a humanitarian? No, I don't think so. Comedian, humanitarian. Well, you don't know, do you? Keep it secret. I'm not after the honours. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Good night. Something I learned about Meg Han. Oh, yeah? Yes. Is that she was a briefcase girl on the American deal on... She was on Deal on Odell.

Is that right? She was one of the briefcase girls that opened up the show. Over there, they don't have sort of, you know, Dave from Luton on. Right. They have, well, just a load of very, if I may say so in the modern climate,

very beautiful women. Right. And they open up the boxes in a slightly saucy way. I mean, I don't think she should have done that publicity picture last week, holding open the box with Harry's personal wealth figure. No, that's not right, is it?

£34 million he's worth, apparently. Is he? Is that all? What's his job again? It's a funny job, though. When they say the prince, it sounds so glamorous. It is basically working in the civil service, isn't it? Basically, yeah.

Except you don't have a lanyard. No, you don't get £34 million in the civil service, isn't it? Basically, yeah. Except you don't have a lanyard. No, you don't get £34 million in the civil service. He hasn't been working that long. He only left school, was it August? About three weeks, yeah. Do they pay their own way largely these days, though? 8, 12, 15. I like it when they say,

but the Queen's got a lot of private wealth. Yeah, where did you get that? But yeah, I mean, it's a happy occasion. Everyone's happy. Except for Ryland. Everyone bar Ryland Clark-Neal. Why is Ryland not happy, Al? Fuming.

I bet it smells lovely when he fumes. I bet it does, actually. He smells lovely, Ryland. 40. He smells of 40. Do you reckon too many squirts? Do you think he... No. Do you think he... No.

Do you think he sprays twice and just walks into it? Is that what you think? What do you think he wears, Tom Ford or a bit of body shop vanilla? No. It'll be something expensive, won't it? Oh, it'll be something lovely and pricey. He's gone a bit... I love that man.

...wild, a bit feral, just slightly. Ryland, he used to have a very, very carefully manicured beard. Cropped beard. And now he's got, he might have been on a desert island for say, not ages, but say a month. Right. And hasn't quite kept that up yet. Good. But he was angry because

there isn't going to be a bank holiday. He said, well what's the point? What's the point of a marriage if there's not going to be a bank holiday? There's not going to be a bank holiday. And then he yelled, well, I'm having the day off anyway. And I think everyone around him says, well, you're self-employed, you can. I don't think this is an issue.

Why are you raising your voice, Ryland? I bet he doesn't. If he's offered the right stuff, he'll be there. He'll be there. Also, that's not going to be suspicious, is it? He's publicly stated, I'm having a day off anyway, and then he'll be off. Do you think he'll be sacked? Do you think? He's a national treasure, Rylan.

I think someone needs to sit him down and explain to him the joys of self-employment, that you can have days off when other people are doing stuff, and you don't have to apologise for it. I haven't noticed that. You're a workaholic. I bet he'll be cracking open the rosé on I Can See Him Now. Well, I've heard some terms

for it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I would just panic if I was her. I just think, what if someone comes forward and tells an unsavoury anecdote about me? That could happen to anyone, couldn't it? Usually in the best man's speech.

He might be panicking about what if someone comes forward and tells an unsavoury anecdote about me. This is true. Who's the best man? Will it be Wills? Or one of the... It'll be Wills. I think it's going to be someone in red trousers

and a friendship bracelet. Definitely. I think maybe they're overdue a best woman in the Royal Wedding. Well, I don't think we can steer the ship towards that modern in one wedding.

No, what they'll be eschewing blood sports next thing we know. Yeah, it's changed, hasn't it? I mean, Ryland Clark Neill getting so vexed about it, I don't understand why he thinks that his... What next? We're going to ask Nicholas Whitchell what he thinks of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Does Nicholas Whitchell believe in the Loch Ness Monster if I remember rightly he does Nicholas

Wichel I think he does yeah oh okay so it turns out we have asked Nicholas Wichel some of the weird things referred to as I hate him that terrible man yeah yeah that's the one because there was another great thing did you notice that's what he'll always be known as yes I hate that one um there was a great thing during the photo call where they came out, answered some questions, and then went back in, and you heard one of the photographers going, is that it?

Yeah. Which kind of killed the mood. Jeremy Corbyn has wished them a long and happy marriage. Make your mind up. Come on, mate. Do you want to get rid of him or not? Oh, because he's anti... You're right, yeah, yeah.

Interestingly, by the way, there was no bank holiday when Prince Andrew married Sarah Ferguson. No, but is it an anti-ginger thing, by the way? Maybe. Sarah Ferguson, the last great, I think you'd say, royal family. That worked out really well, that one. Well, you know, they're still together. Are they?

Well, not, I mean, not in marriage, but I think they're still very close. One of these conscious uncouplings. It was quite modern, wasn't it? Did they? I think they still hang out a bit, don't they? I believe so. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm trying to say something that won't get me into prison. Okay. I'll leave it. Good luck. I'll trying to say something that won't get me into prison. Okay. I'll leave it. Good luck. I'll leave it with that. Yeah. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

The other thing I read about her, what about this, is that she used to be a freelance calligrapher. Yes. I mean, what? I like that. How much work did they get? She does a lot of work with her hands. Opening the suitcase. Calligraphy.

I bet that if it says like, you know, the 200 pound or 200 dollars where she's working, I bet she replaces it with a beautifully hand. I wonder if she does that, what we used to call as kids, we used to call them, because we didn't know the fonts. No. We used to call it Robin Hood writing. Oh. And at the palace, call it Robin Hood writing. Oh. Oh, yeah.

At the Palace, there must be loads of little signs that we love a bit of Robin Hood. The sort of slightly gothic font, the goth energy drink font, I call it. I think it would be because Robin Hood was a popular TV series. This was the original with Richard Green. Yeah, riding through the Glen, this Robin Hood.

I mean, not... There was a Jason Connery one, was there not? Yes. The Hooded Man. This was before that. Oh, my God. This was... He called a band of outlaws to a tavern on the green.

It was that one. And it used to have Robin Hood writing, which is sort of, I don't know, sort of Anglo-Saxon font. It's plasma writing. You know when you get to an event and there's a little white card? Yes.

It's called plasma. I bet she did that. She does all the Plasmon. Hey, she could do them. That would be great at the wedding. Save a bit of money, because I'll say, I think it'll be an expensive wedding, this, so if they've already saved a few quid on the Plasmon.

Charles is paying, apparently. Is he? Yeah. That is good of him. From the sausages money. Is that what he's from? He makes money from those sausages now. He does make a bit, yeah. That's Frank's friend. He gets on well with him. Do you think there was a chat where he's from he makes money from those sausages he does make a bit

yeah that's Frank's friend he gets on well with him do you think there was a chat where he said I'm getting married and Charles went I'll take it out

the sausage money it's ok I'll take the sausage money didn't you have had a very good winter we've had a good year on the sausages don't worry son

I hope he does that I really hope he does that. We've had a string of success, as it were. Pardon my pun. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Oh, Frank, we've had a text from 716 who said, his name's Paul from South America. He said, I'm a cockney, it's the first one.

Which I think means... No, no, see, auntie. Auntie, not auntie. See, I think if I was saying my auntie Lynn, that'd be all right. But if I'm calling her auntie, I think maybe I'll be a bit off saying auntie. Right. Sorry, auntie. I don't know, it's tricky.

It is tricky. Yes. I do think Danny Dyer is the man to help us. They should have booked him. Yeah. But anyway. You can't give them casting tips, though, at this stage. No, no.

Not now. Have you got the gig? Is it an actual gig in the diary? I've got the gig. Oh, this is great news. Well, hopefully still after this morning. Nobody mentioned it. I don't want them hearing the workshopping, Frank. Nobody mentioned the Cockney thing to me,

but he says things like cush tea and stuff like that. I thought, well, there's no... He eats Jerry Deals at one point. Does he really? Oh, there's no Cockney stone left unturned. Does he do the Lambeth walk? Horsey Dan. Anyway, so...

Oh, actually, I would like to discuss... I mean, it's in the royal family. OK. Literally. Because there was some Prince George news this week. I know you're a George fan, Frank. Am I? Well, I say that with a certain amount of sarcasm.

Because previously you said he looks like a bit of a bruiser. Oh, yeah, but that's not a bad thing. Some kids are like that. He does combine two of my favourite dog names. What's that? Prince and George. Prince and George. Can't go wrong with those.

Well, he went to visit Santa in Helsinki. Oh, yeah. See, Boz went to see, but we just went like 20 minutes up the road. Shopping centre. I think there's an element of fake news in this story. Do you? Do you know why? I do.

Because what is he for? And apparently he was given a choice of what would he like for Christmas and it says in the article that he wrote, in big clear writing, police car. I've seen the list. They showed it. They showed the writing. They showed Prince William with the list. Did it look like an adult writing with their left hand?

Because if a four-year-old writes police clearly, then they're a child prodigy. But you're not allowing for the education level. Surely it would be like P-L-E-E-S. Yeah. Like police car. There's no way, unless he's, you know... Well, he'd only written down,

I think it was on one of those forms where you had like five options. He could write a list of five for the children to fill out. And I noticed he'd written on the third line, not on the first, so not that much of a child prodigy. He's working out what line he is to the... He could just be being humble as well.

He's leaving one for Danny Dyer at number four. Exactly. He had written only down the one request, which I thought showed him in a great light. Yes. And he had, as you say, he'd opted for police car. Weirdly, one of the things that he will have all through his life. Yeah?

Yeah. Not right now, are we, Nick? No, but it'll always be there. He doesn't really need his own. Well, he'll always have an escort. I mean, police escort, I hasten to add. Yeah. Well, we don't know.

We don't know. Well, I will go. But my child, there are stranger requests. I asked Buzz what he wants for Christmas. He said, I'd like one of those bells that you hit, like a hotel reception bell. Great gift. Hotel child?

What's one of those? I mean, I've got one of those. Have you? Yeah. I suppose I should get a new one. That's a great present. I'm just worried. There's potential for abuse there, isn't there?

Right. Dad, it's a mini, it's a mini ping. It's a bit Little Lord Fauntler worried there's potential for abuse there. Right. Dad, it's a mini ping. It's a bit Little Lord Fauntroy isn't it? Tinnitus by January. I think I probably asked for a panda car when I was... Do you remember panda

cars? They were police cars, but they were called panda cars. Hold it, they were called panda cars because they were pale blue and white striped. Oh, is that why? Like pandas are. You know how pandas are, pale blue and white striped. They were lazy then.

Yeah, but why were they called panda cars? 8, 12, 15. Is it because the American ones were black and white? Is that why it would have been? And it would have travelled across the water. I don't think things travelled across the water then, did they? I mean, Cilla Black was having hits with Dionne Warwick songs because the records hadn't come over yet,

so I can't see the police cars on their way. All right. Well, 8, 12, 15. Yeah. Why were pandas... Pandas? Are pandas pale blue and white striped? That's the question. There'll be some naturalists. Yeah. Why were pandas, are pandas pale blue and white striped? It's the question. There'll be some naturalists. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text our show, please, on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Shall I try it in my Cockney thing? Yeah. Oh, lovely.

Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Very good. I like that. It sounded like one of those voiceovers for like, I don't know what. It sounds, yeah. It's good.

And we have been texted by one. Oh, good. We have had texting. We've had a lot of texting over the pandas. We're running various. We have had a lot of... Pandas, they've gone mad over. Have they?

You know, you were asking why police cars were called panda cars. When they were blue and white stripes. Yeah, like, it's not because pandas are blue and white. It's not even dark, it's like a dark navy that could be mistaken for black. It was pale blue. There's a whole mixture of opinion on this. Have I opened a can of... A veritable, veritable.

690 has texted, the police cars used to be a Fiat Panda, hence theitable. Veritable. 690 has texted, the police car's used to be a Fiat Panda, hence the nickname. No way. Yeah, I'm not having that. Ford Anglia, I think. I'm not having that. I don't think... And also there's various other opinions that will contradict that. 597 has said, Panda

stands for Pursuit and Arrest. It's nothing to do with how they're painted. Pursuit and arrest. He's been working on his Cockney accent. Panda. Oh, yeah. What about, why no love for a suit or rest?

I mean, they've just taken headlines from those three words. No, that's not good enough. You can't just pick and choose like that. That is how language works, though. It becomes leaner, doesn't it? Panda cars. Old-fashioned. Suiting arrest cars. Panda cars.

Michael Poulter has got in touch. Hi, Frank and team. They are called panda cars due to people watching Zed cars on their black and white tellies. Hashtag true story. Oh. They thought they were black and white.

Well, yeah, that's Michael. You say hashtag true story. I say hashtag we'll be the judge of that. Which thought they were black and white. Well, yeah, that's Michael. You say hashtag true story. I say hashtag we'll be the judge of that. Which is quite a lot to hashtag. I mean, they did exist in the streets as well. You know what I mean? So they would have seen them live as well as on Z cars. They weren't just an imaginary thing on a telly.

There weren't a lot of people suggesting that they, for example, 232, cash-strapped police forces bought white cars and blue or black cars and swapped the doors because they couldn't afford to pay for painting the doors on each car. Yeah. And he adds... It's true. Sorry, Al.

Sorry, Al. Yeah. He adds it's true. Alec Douglas, Holmes, Britain. He says it's true, I was a Glasgow rosa, which is, as you know, a common vernacular. Oh, a rosa. And then adds the LTLFTC, which I think stands for Long Term Listener First Time Call.

Oh, I thought he was going to say it was his number plate on his panic. So you two have been working together, have you not? We have. This week. Indeed. The minute my back's turned. Emily Dean interviewed me after I did a stand-up set for Absolute on Sunday evening.

How was that? I had the purple mic in his face. It was all right. How was the interview or the gig? Some of the terminology today is leaving me. I'm so sorry. It's not intentional. He's trying his best to not be bawdy. I can't help it. today is leaving me. I'm so sorry. It's not intentional. He's trying his best to not be bawdy.

I can't help it. It's in me. It's in me. What's that music? It might be someone in the Golden Square. We're being serenaded, Frank. Maybe they can't hear it at home. Might be my ringtone.

Might be Santa. No, I think... There is a noise There's something very loud But anyway We had It was an absolute radio It was for Stand Up To Cancer

And it was a charity gig And Al was on the bill Alan Carr on the bill Rob Beckett Russell Kane Tom Allen Lovely Zoe Who often sits in this chair

Zoe Leon? Yeah, I told her she was a bit good. I said, you don't want people to be that good when they stand in for you. Now you want to do Alex Ferguson and say, get David Moyes. Exactly. That's the way to work it out. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We're just going to lower a blind, so there may be another noise in the background. There we go, that's perfect. Thank you so much. I was getting low winter sun right in my eyes. Thanks. Which I think we all know is a hazard whilst driving. Yes.

I'm the motoring correspondent on the show, after all. Indeed. Never forget your roots, Alan. I'll tell you what, as motoring correspondent on the show after all. Indeed. Never forget your roots, Alan. I'll tell you what, as motoring correspondent, Frank, you really have lit up the switchboards with the panda cars disguise. 989 has

texted, panda cars were not pursuit and arrest. They were the non-pursuit vehicles, still are. I am a Met Police Inspector. Don't actually know the reason they're called pandas, but that is not it. I like to find his credentials big time and then... I'm not knowing.

Respect to him for admitting he doesn't know everything. When he says still are, does that mean they've still got panda cars? They're still saying panda cars, it would seem. Oh, no. You suggested that the band Travis should have gone Why Does It Always Snow On Me

to cash in on the Christmas market. Christmasy. Yeah. 212 has suggested Why Does It Always Reindeer On Me. I mean, that is... That's great work. I like that a lot.

True bomb. Somebody else is saying Panda was patrolling normal duties. Why don't they cover all the letters? Yeah, I don't like this just taking letters at will. What about if it was called Patrol and Normal Duties, actually? Love that Richard Curtis film. Very good.

Normal Duties is a thing I like very much. What does that mean? Can I say, by the way, before we go back to you working together, that I got a very nice message from Gemma Janice

and the team at the South Australian Tourism Commission. Lovely. And they say, the first ever day night ashes to start

in Adelaide on Saturday. Anyway, they sent me a pink kookaburra. You do all the voices, don't you? Oh, really? You can wear that with your pink jumper?

Yes, it's a cricket ball. Because it's a day night test. Oh, I see. See, there is a pink thing so that it works in daylight but also works in the floodlight. So they've sent me a pink kookaburra, which is nice. And a bottle of wine and a bottle of beer. So I thought, you know, to hell with it.

I'm going to get drunk and throw the cricket ball at a policeman. It's been good working with you. I really enjoyed our little run. I spent some time in Adelaide with a man known as the Goat Prince. You're kidding. No, his dad. It's a little joke there. Oh, I got it.

Oh, lovely. That was a good joke and no buts. His dad had bought a lot of sheep what you get nice wool off. What are they called? Oh, merino. Oh, is it merino wool? Lambs. I know the alpaca, but that's a different thing.

No, not sheep, goats, rather. Oh. Oh, okay. So he was known as the goat. Is it? Yeah, you have the goat, yeah. The pashmina type ones. There's chartouche as well.

So his dad had bought a lot of goats, this Adelaide businessman. And then his son, he became known as the goat king, so his son was known as the goat prince. And he got involved in putting on comedy shows for British comics. Lovely. Yeah, so I spent some time with the Goat Prince in Adelaide. Okay. No beard.

I'd have gone for the beard, but, you know, people, they don't follow it through. No. Anyway, thank you, guys, And I'm a recovering alcoholic. Lovely. Happy Christmas, everyone. Very happy to receive a cricket ball, though. Oh, I'll say. You were.

I was. Really happy. That's hard to send in the post, isn't it? It was in a lovely presentation box. Oh, that's good, yeah. You don't want it on its own. I will say this about the little Sunday night gig that we did at the London Palladium.

I'd never played there before. Rob Beckett, young man, funny, very funny. Will no one rid me of this troublesome priest? He asked me when I was upstairs in the changing room areas if he could borrow some gel. I'm sure it was gel that he asked for. Oh, OK. And when I looked confused...

You got any gel, mate? I think I was looking at him with a facial expression that said, whatever happened to...gel? Who still wears gel? And then he went, moose? Have you got any moose? And I said, I think I might have some styling wax, but that's about it.

OK, I wouldn't have that. I think I still call it gel. Gel? Yeah. What he meant was, have you got any product? No, his face looked a little saddened at the idea of clay or wax. He didn't say gel. All right, gel.

He, I tell you what, Beckett had a bit of beef with us. Oh, yeah. He told us off. Yeah. He told us off. Yeah. He told us off. Tell us what happened. Tell us what happened now. Well, there's a thing when people text in the show,

we star them so that they're then there to be read, to be reused, read it. To be read it in a minute. Prince George. I like to read them. To be read aloud moments later. Aye. And he said, I'll tell you what, you guys, you don't un-star your texts at the end of

your show, do you? We've got to un-star, we spend about ten minutes un-starring all your texts. We've got to un-favourite them. That's what you keep doing and you're rubbing your nose in it and we don't get as many texts. Well, couldn't they read out the ones we've starred and forgotten? They can't have our scraps. No, well, we'll stop that. Yeah, I think we're going to have. They can't have our scraps. No. Oh, well, we'll stop that.

Yeah, I think we're going to have to start unstarring our texts. I don't want any Bikettian problems. No. No, but he'll be useful for you with the Cockney accent. Well, his voice was pretty good. I thought that he just did. I think I've got the worst Cockney accent of the three of us and I got the part.

Isn't that the way Shelby's goes? Absolute. Absolute goes? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I interviewed Al, and I had to sort of do research on him. Did you? Yes. Because the man from Absolute...

What else has he done? That's a good question. That is a good question. I often wonder that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know he's done Room 101. He said, well, I didn't prepare a biog on Alan because you know him so well.

He said I didn't think it was appropriate. Yeah. That's good. I do, but I don't. Couldn't be bothered. No. Couldn't think it was appropriate. But what I found out...

Do one anyway. Do one for safety. Couldn't be bothered. No. Couldn't be inappropriate. But what I found out about that, what I found out, he meant well, I found out that it said he did a lot of, he had a collection

of impressions when he was younger. Oh, God. I read this up about him. So I thought I'd put him on the little spot. Oh, yeah. I said,

give us one of your impressions. Oh, yeah, what did I do? You did a great Frank Spencer. Yeah, I did Frank Spencer. Did I do David Bellamy? Uh, Spencer. Did I do David Bellamy? Did I mention David Bellamy? Yeah, you did mention him and Prince Charles. No, not Prince Charles.

Harold Macmillan you did, did you? At the pinnacle of my impressions career, I think I was 11 years old and I think I did Frank Spencer, David Bellamy and Jimmy Cricket. Wow. Yes, you mentioned him. I think I did a little flashy bit at the end of my little turn where I

muddled the voices up on purpose. I was 11. It was more cute than accurate, I think. When I was 11 I did a very good Claire Matley. Oh yeah, how did that go? Yeah, it was alright. Wait till you hear my Neville Chamberlain. There was a bit of an awkward moment, though, Frank.

I had a bit of a diva moment. Uh-oh. With me? No, not with you. Oh, I guess. We had a great time. They've all blurred into one for me. A man came over to me and said, they've gifted us a lovely Roberts radio.

I don't know if I'm allowed to mention that, but anyway. I should think you are. And, you know, one of those nice retros. Really nice gifts nice I know and it was in the dressing room I've googled how much they are obviously they're really nice did you get one of those

when Bob Monkhouse gave me a watch I didn't even go home I went straight to a jewels and a man the bloke said to me you'll be able to swim in it I said that's amazing I can't

I couldn't swim before it's a good watch. Yeah. Sorry. He didn't laugh. He did not need not a smile. Oh, tough crowd. A man in a sort of black T-shirt,

one of the backroom staff came over to me and said, oh, did you get a, is there a radio in your room, in your dressing room? I said, yes. He said, I'm going to have to have that back. What? I said, I beg your pardon. He said, I'm going to have to have that back. What? I said, I beg your pardon? He said, yeah, we're going to need that radio back.

I said, but I was given it. He said, no, I know, but we're one down. So we need it back. Oh, no. So I said, right, okay. I was given this in good faith. I think I might have used that word. I said, I was given this.

It was placed in my dressing room. He said, yeah, but we need that radio back. He was getting a bit aggressive. Oh, no. I said, I was given this. It was placed in my dressing room. He said, yeah, but we need that radio back. He was getting a bit aggressive. I said, I'm keeping that radio. A woman suddenly came in. She went, are you talking about the radio mic for use on stage? He didn't mean the radio. The poor man.

But I had already unleashed my fury. What a wonderful climb down moment that must have been. I had to say, oh, I'm glad we've cleared that up. OK, I'll take my radio then and you can have your radio mic. Bye-bye. Verbally, you must have been like a tennis umpire at the end of a shift there. Just, OK, there's a lot of stairs,

I've got to climb down now off my high horse. I was somewhat humiliated. I won't lie. I'm fat 30th for then bringing it up on the radio. Why didn't he clear it up? Oh, but that's brilliant. Yeah. Trayvon.

Really good. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Anyway, on a somewhat religious tip, we're approaching a religious festival. We are. I mean, obviously there's the ever-present assault upon Christmas,

but we are on our way towards Christmas, and there's been some very fun news stories regarding Christmas this year. One close to my heart, there's a man who's covered his whole home in tinfoil. Yes. And he's not on the edge of sanity. He's done it as a cheap way of decorating. 20 quid. And the whole thing.

I thought you'd love him, Al. I love him. In fact, I think he might be my new spirit animal. It's one room. Oh, I thought he'd done the other side as well. I think he was your spirit animal. A man who room, though, is it? Oh, I thought he'd done the outside as well. I thought Kip was your spirit animal. Yes. The man who covered his home in tinfoil. 20 quid.

You thought he'd done the outside as well. All right. What is he recreating the resting place of the turkey? Excuse me. Says the man who's appeared in Doctor Who. I know. Don't criticise people for using tinfoil, my friend. Is it just the one room?

That bit of the story is... What if he'd done the room in tinfoil and then got some roast potato beanbags and he'd lied in the middle of it naked with his hands and feet tied together? Excellent. It'd be hard to know what community... I'd have turned up.

I love a beanbag. Oh, yes, that was... Oh, dear. I did think that was... Oh, dear. He's an eccentric character. That was a lot of tinfoil for 20 quid. Maybe he got those extra wide rolls. You know what he needed for the guests was some London Marathon cloaks.

Yes, very useful. Oh, man, the reflection in there. Would have been good for Hall and Mirrors. I like most that he was 46 and he had about five grandchildren yeah this is the modern world

look good he was well I thought he actually thought it looked alright it does I liked it it looks good

I want to steal his style even Emily who's like an it girl society you know person you know you person. Oh.

You know, you spend a lot of time in posh environments. I do. And you were impressed. I thought it looked really effective. I might do it with greaseproof paper. Oh, no, that's a bit depressing. Just trace your whole house. Oh, I don't agree. Get a thick pencil.

Also, he came out with a bit of a whatever happened to. He described his wife. He said, I thought she'd blew a pencil. Also, he came out with a bit of a whatever happened to. Did he? He described his wife. He said, I thought she'd blew a gasket. Oh, yeah. Now, you don't get that meant much these days, do you? No. Blowing a gasket? That was a bit act your age, not your shoe size.

Which, as we were saying, talking last week, continental sizes has killed that remark. True. Happy to act like a 36-year-old. Yeah, I'm 43. Act your age, 43. Rubbish. And Elvis used to cover the, or his people,

used to cover the inside of his hotel room windows with silver paper before he arrived. Oh, right. To give complete blackout, because he often slept in the day. Early version of blackout blinds. Why didn't he just put, yeah. I don't think they were around then. He needed it thorough as well. Oh, because he often slept in the day. Early version of blackout blinds. Why didn't he just put... Yeah. I don't think they were around then. He needed it thorough as well.

Oh, did he? Yeah. I love Elvis, as you know. I don't go to him for my life hacks. No. He had some... I thought it was because he always needed some reminder of food, and he could associate that with the lining on the baking tray. Well, this is what's happened to the memory of the man

just associated with... Listen, I was a massive Elvis fan. Excuse me. Don't like the baking tray. This is what's happened to the memory of the man just associated with... Listen, I was a massive Elvis fan. Excuse me. Don't like the past tense. Okay, still am. Right. Sorry, we can't end on that. Strange ending.

You know he's no longer with us today, Frank. I do know that. Oh, good. I also know that his favourite colour was pink. Was it? Is that a fact? On a week when my son was teased at school because he likes pink and it's a girl's colour, I quote.

And in fact, we've posted a picture of me in a pink jumper on our website to show that that's correct. Yeah? Sorry, that that's wrong. Yeah. Come on, give me an ending to this. Okay. This is the weakest link.

Get out. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've been talking about this character with the tinfoil living room. I'd like to make it a bit more glamorous on the Christmas front. I don't know if you could do that. More glamorous than tinfoil.

Talk about Beyonce's new Christmas jumper. It retails at £42. There have been some complaints, though. It's not without controversy. Yes, I say controversy and not controversy. And that's because it's, well, I mean, the tagline on it, I believe it just says Beyonce's, is it holiday sweater? And that's it.

So that's Beyonce holiday sweater. That's sort of a childlike writing. It's a bit right slogan here, yeah. Yeah. It's childlike writing, but no mention of a police car. No. All I'm saying is there's no excuse. If your catchphrase is sleigh,

how can you have a Christmas jumper and not incorporate slay? That's a good catchphrase. I never knew. What does slay mean? Slay is kind of, it means sort of fierce. It means you killed it, you would say in comedy terms, in a good way. Yeah, is that right, young people?

So what would she come off as? It was the gig, slay. That's what she'd say. Slayed it. Would she say slayed it? Would she say Slayed it? Would you say Slayed it? She'd say Slayed it. I ended with Merry Christmas, everybody.

Yeah, Slayed it. With that very short fringe. Yeah. Dave Hill. You might, under a picture of her, you might write Slay and then some fire emojis. Oh, right. I like those.

The youth are laughing. I like the fire emojis. So the jumper could have had her as father christmas and it could say beyonce because it's beyond slay first time producers ever spoken on air and it was in response to beyonce comment so yeah so all I'm saying is she missed an op there did she did she that must be a bit lopsided

she needs to check her file of facts more often see what her appointment book says I thought she had people yes

I so yes it's a black jumper which already is a strange choice for yuletide yes true and it just says Beyonce Christmas yes so it doesn't It's a black jumper, which already is a strange choice for Yuletide. Yes.

And it just says Beyonce Christmas sweater. No, it doesn't. It says Beyonce holiday sweater. Oh, holiday sweater. Now, here's the thing. I think she might be doing her fans a favour because it's not just tied down to Christmas then, is it? You could wear it at Easter. Beyonce holiday sweater

well it's the Easter holidays I'll pop it on I think she's covering what about what about a summer holiday when you've spent the day on the beach your sunburn's aching

what about the Rylan could wear it on Harry and Megan's wedding day when he plans on taking a holiday he could I'm picturing

he could write the word bank on a bit of gaffer and then just stick it so it says Beyonce bank holiday sweater. If it's a holiday, maybe on a bit of tinfoil. Indeed, yeah. You and that tinfoil,

you appear in one Doctor Who episode and you go crazy. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I would wear the Beyoncé sweater. Me too. Wow, I'd pay a grand to see that. Oops, I shouldn't have said that. The main reason I'd wear it is I couldn't get warm this week.

It was absolutely everywhere I went, it was freezing. The heating wasn't working in my house. When I went out, it was freezing cold. And I thought the thing about this sweater is I'd be so embarrassed that that would warm me up. It'd be like an extra layer. The embarrassment. The embarrassment as a natural furnace.

Yeah. I'm calling it squirmal as opposed to thermal. Very good. Because if you're, you know, just the blushing would be, oh, give you a little glow. It'd be like ready break.

Very good. £42. It's be like ready brick. Very good. £42, it's a lot cheaper than Zoella's Advent calendar. That's a good point. Christmas calendar, sorry. Holiday calendar. I think Beyonce's probably think, well, I don't want any religions that won't buy it. Yeah.

So I won't be specific. I agree with you over the black. It's not very Christmasy. It's a bit Christmas round at Johnny and Winona's, isn't it? I want a sort of red, green, maybe a pink. Pink? No, I think it's got to be red and green for Christmas, hasn't it? Also, I thought she'd gone for that slogan,

Beyonce holiday sweater, because it was a BHS exclusive. Oh. So I thought she'd done a deal with British home stores. I hate to break it to you about BHS. Yeah. Is it gone? I think it's gone.

Oh. Has it? Yeah. I'm afraid so. Yes. We've got some sad news to catch you up on. Maybe this has been a long negotiation with Beyoncé's people. Yeah.

In the days before she had the accent, she was known as Bey once. Has it really gone British Homestore? Yes, it has. Don't talk to Philip Green about it. You heard it here last. Really last. That's terrible news. It's such a great...

When you say news... It's such a great When you say news. It's going to really upset the people listening to Absolute 80s. It's such a brilliant name for a shop as well. British Homestead. It says that you go there for your tin hat. Your gas mask. Also go to buy one, get one free

this week and buy one, bain it. Oh, well, we end the show on an absolute shocker. British Home Stores, Scott. Home dinger. The news story. Oh, man. I feel a little bit nauseous. Anyway.

Wait till we tell him about Woolworths over brunch. If you feel nauseous, how does Philip Green feel? That's terrible news. So thank you so much for listening. And after several requests, might I say, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Goodbye.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from eight. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.