The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - How d'ya like them apples?

Episode Date: May 6, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank reveals his very strange apple eating technique, the team discuss P Diddy at the MET Gala and they speculate over Justin Bieber's diva demands.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our little show on 8 12 15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Those are the options you choose. Good to give a choice. Yeah, I think so. I are the options. You choose. Good to give a choice. Yeah, I think so. I love a choice. People think

when I said you choose that I said YouTube and they'll think they can contact us via YouTube. There'll be people there now trawling. We should maybe have a YouTube channel then. Let's see if we can action that. What have we put on there? Videos of us in the studio? Hang on, that's not very good. I hate that when you do a radio

show and they have a video camera and say we just want to film this. No, it's radio. And there's too many black mic stands everywhere. There's too much technology. I don't like it. You're right. And we used to have a webcam once Emily changed the top and that was the end of the webcam. What about when I took my top

off in front of the webcam? And also, you've got your headsets on. You all look like Princess Leia. Yeah, you do. Who needs it? I say, who needs it? 8, 12, 15. I tell you what, I had quite a lot of apples during the show.

You may have noticed. How do you like them? Well, and sometimes I don't quite time it with the link so there's a little bit of uh at the beginning i mean i'm all right we've had a few of our readers have commented on this yes i ain't gonna lie it's very hard to time an apple because they're not regular in their size well oh but i tell you what i've noticed i've started doing? From re-observation. I would say that a mouthful is fairly regular in its size, though. I know, but I don't want to sit here doing, you know, scintillating chat watching my apple M. Brown.

Oh, really? No, I said N. Brown, which I quite like. Does anyone call them brown? Yeah. I love a mid-anecdote review. Out to you. Can you say out to you? That was a fist bump.

It was, yeah. Briefly forgot it was radio. Yeah. So I noticed last week I had one of my apples during the show. Right. I didn't want to wipe it. Talking about one of Frank's apples here on Absolute Radio this morning. I didn't want to wipe it. Talking about one of Frank's apples here on Absolute Radio this morning. I didn't want to wipe it on my top.

I always like to shine an apple before I eat it. I've no idea why. I think it's just so I like to see myself approaching it in the surface of the apple. Yes. Well, that's the cricket fan in you. Maybe that's the case. Because you know that's my thing.

The cricketer, with the approach, polishing the ball, I can't even speak. Oh, yes. You like that? I like it! Oh, really? It looks more like, you know those traffic mirrors you get on tight bends? Oh, yes. And they give you that fisheye appearance. That's what you see when you see yourself

in a mirror. I mean, I've polished apples. I reckon I could shave in an apple if I had to if i was on a desert island desert island stroke orchard in the sea yeah anyway so last week i i what i did i shined it i didn't want to shine it on my uh lovely pristine outfit so i shined it on the chair here not when i should be paid for it. So I ate the apple and... This is a Sky one. I ate the apple and on the way home I thought, that's probably got DJ's bomb cells on it from the chair. Oh, my goodness.

That I've now eaten. And I wasn't happy about that. And to be fair, many of those DJs would travel by more public transport than you, rather than, you know, exactly. Well, I mean, goodness knows what else they're doing with their high-end stuff. Horse and carriage, some of them. Yeah, wonders. And the other thing I've noticed, what about this?

Now, I've noticed that when I have an apple of any sort of sturdiness, I put my left hand on top of my head to press it down so I can get through the surface I use my head like a sort of cider press. You need assistance to chomp an apple. Yeah so to get

through the initial, my jaws aren't up to it anymore. This is aging. This is the thing. They never told us about this with the aging. They never said anything about your jaws giving off. I've never worried about you as much as in this moment. Yeah, so I have to press down on the top of my head to get my top set

of teeth through the apple. It's like using your head as a hole punch. Are you aware no one else does that, really? I'd like to find out. Does anyone else do it? Does anyone else have to press down the top of their head to break the surface of a sturdy apple? 8, 12, 15.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's not just me? Well, yes, that is just you. But Emma in Worthing has an unusual way. She says, I only use my bottom teeth when eating apples. I'm paranoid about breaking the crowns on my top front teeth. So how does that work?

It's like some strange rodent. You'd have to pull the apple down. She's sort of scraping with her lower teeth. You know when you crimp the crust of a, let's say an apple tart, and you just press down on it and be like, that is a strange one. Very strange with no purchase whatsoever in the upper area.

No. Well. I mean... Political correctness, it's really hampered me. Yes. It's taken something off it, hasn't it? You're amongst friends here. Yeah, it's like picking your way through an assault course.

Oh, hold on, I'm just having a scratch. I scratch a lot on this show. Why is that? I suppose it's because it's early in the morning. I had a lovely bit of news this week. Oh! Is this more Apple news? No, no.

No, he's already told us how he liked them. Yeah. I'm amazed, because it came so naturally to me, that pressing the top of the head down to get through. Because it wouldn't, I mean, Heather from, Emma from Worthing, because she doesn't even use the top bit,

she must think it bizarre. She must have been horrified at the retelling. She's probably not the only one that thinks it's bizarre. We'll see. What was the lovely news? I was contacted by a legal firm in the Cotswolds.

Yeah. And they said they were representing a woman who had left me something in her will. Did you know her? No. Really? Well, this is one of the perks of celebrity. It is.

One of the many perks of celebrity so I mean we haven't got time to list them I'll be honest with you but why you get celebrities moaning about it I don't know it's a facade since the man with the bag full of free jotters

exactly and seven sunglasses free. Was it seven pairs? I think it was 17. 17 pairs. Two of them was for my personal assistant. How many did Jeff Brazier take that time? I think he went for something like 12.

Okay. You've got to beat Brazier. That's my motto. So go on, Frank. So you got contacted. Yeah, and this woman, and the solicitor person said, I won't... Solicitor is sufficient. I won't name the lady, but she said she'd seen me on the telly,

and I have the quote from the letter, she thought I was a kind-looking man. That is the loveliest thing I've ever heard. She obviously didn't see me sitting next to Caroline Quentin on Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain this week. How was that? I missed it. I saw it. I was anxious in parts. I'm guessing from that remark. I saw it.

Yeah. There was a bit where she fell asleep during one of my jokes. No. How did you take it? It was comedy. I didn't take it as well as I could have. OK. But, you know, it's all fine.

I'm not one to bear a grudge. Anyway, so... So, this lady has left me a ukulele. No. Oh, Frank, that is lovely. So, I was really touched by it. I mean, it might not even be play about. There's a picture of it.

It's got a date on it. It's got handwriting. Someone's written on the vellum, you know, the sort of the skin bit on it. Oh, yeah. Written, the date is the 2nd of February, 1927. No. Yeah. Wow. And it's written, the writing is the 2nd of February 1927 and it's written the writing is in German

now I thought well can I think of any famous Germans around in 1927 but I'd never I don't know about you I don't associate him with a ukulele he didn't see the time not even in the bunker if I found out it belonged associate him with a ukulele? No. He didn't see it at the time. No. Would I play it? Not even

in the bunker. If I found out it belonged to Hitler, would I still play it? Oh, you'd be the judge of that, would you? I would imagine you would, yeah. I don't know the chords to Tomorrow Belongs to Me on the ukulele. Well, you could play some

Tomorrow Belongs to Me You could play some songs by Blondie. Yeah, that's true. That is true. So I can't read the signature, but it won't be him. But what a lovely thing. I think that's a lovely thing.

So my mother-in-law is arriving with it today. She's bringing it down? How did she come into the equation? Because she lives in the Cotswolds, so she picked it up on the way down. So today I'll find out. As soon as there's a will to be read out, she's there in a flash.

I'm very excited about it. And all because of your nice face. All because I'm a kind-looking man. That is really nice. Because I am the sort of bloke, when I read that, I thought, what do you mean, kind-looking? But I'm prepared to let that pass for now. But what a nice thing.

OK, so what's the most interesting item you've been left in a will? 8, 12, 15. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, he's eating an apple, ladies and gentlemen. I am not. And I can exclusively reveal he did do the head-jaw movement. I can't break the surface if I don't press down on the top of my head

when I bite into an apple. Have you thought of perhaps lowering the apple so that you could use your lower jaw as well as the upper? Is that... Shut up! Well, your texting, which I'll admit I didn't think had legs. Have you... What was it? Have you ever used your hands to push on the top of your head to eat an apple?

Yeah. We've not had people who've exactly done that. We haven't been inundated. No, but... I haven't been inundated for a long time. 261 has texted. Hi, Frank. Hi, team. Apples on the subject of... When I open my mouth to take that first bite,

mmm, I get lockjaw. Is this because I'm 58? So frustrating. Oh, dear. No, you've probably got rabies. It's rabies. That's a symptom, isn isn't it a rabies what lockjaw lockjaw and aquaphobia i knew about the aquaphobia but i didn't know that that's good that's what this show's about education i constantly check myself for rabies this week i was left my grandfather's snooker queue. Nice.

Not me, but 454. He won the Muswell Hill British Legion competition with it when he was 76. Fantastic. He could still clear the colours off their spots even then. That is good. The great thing I remember, when I first started drinking,

the British Legion used to be... Oh, this is a nice anecdote. ...used to be very liberal in how long you could stay in there. You know, they weren't that too fussy about opening and closing hours. An old-fashioned Lockheed style. You know, they'd been in the war. They didn't care about stuff like that. Fantastic.

You know, they used to say, join the Foreign Legion and forget... I found you could join the British Legion and forget almost anything. Do they still? I haven't seen a British Legion for ages. Do they still exist? Is this going to be one of our Whatever Happened To's? I always like the... I think they're still going.

Whatever Happened To. The British Legion. There you go. I think that's got that out there. I have a wife who has a strange fruit-eating habit. I have a wife. I have a wife. Alan Partridge, I've got a girlfriend.

Sounds like you're singling one of them out. Full disclosure, I've got a wife. That is Partridge as well. I've got a girlfriend, so I'm busy. On the subject of eating fruit in a strange way, she sometimes, when eating a banana, will get a knife out of the drawer and just put a little slit. You know where the top of the banana becomes

kind of the handle that you would pull on? I'm going to have to stop you there. What is the top of a banana? Oh, very good, very good. What do you mean? Dave Gorman showed me that the way to actually open a banana is not the end with the long bit on. The long bit is basically a handle.

Yes. And you open the other end. And I laughed in his face. Well, not right in his face. That's about three feet away. But I tried it and it made out. Because it makes absolute sense. You've got a proper grip on there.

So you don't open it. You don't break it off at the top. And you don't have to start. I mean, it starts so badly, doesn't it, a banana? You know, how you start things is so important in this business. You open the banana and you get that horrible nodule with the central dark core that you have to pull off and don't know what to do with it. You can just leave that in the base if you start at the other end.

Well, she gets a knife out and puts a little slit there to start off the snapping procedure as if it's... She's got weak wrists. She's an adult with full grip capabilities. She can hold other objects. So if she went out say, for a drive, like I'll

often take a banana. Having an affair? I'll take a banana with me. She takes a banana and an overnight bag. I don't know what that's about. Says she needs to get some air. But if you get stuck in a traffic jam and you've got a banana there's less of a panic.

Because you keep your energy up. And also if you open it very, very carefully you can wee into the empty skin. But... You are disgusting. I'm not sure the ladies can. Well, well... 8.12.50.

No, anyway. Oh, there's one here. Does that mean that if she takes a banana out for a snack, she has to take a knife with her as well? I've never noticed her carrying a knife takes a banana out for a snack, she has to take a knife with her as well. I've never noticed her carrying a knife and a banana. If you were stopped by the police and you had a knife and you said, sorry, it's my banana knife.

I don't want to give any of you hoodlums listening any tips, but you can't help thinking that's not a terrible idea. Who says hoodlums, Al? Frank Skinner. I love him. Yeah, what about that, eh? That's my banana knife.

Sorry, madam. Move along. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio. We've had a British Legion text. Oh, yes. I was in the British Legion, Hounslow Branch, at 10.15 last Saturday before the Army and Navy rugby.

They looked after us a treat. That's Amanda. I'm glad they still exist. We just heard from our producer of one that's closing down in... Greenford. Greenford. Oh, is it? Yeah.

We've also had some appellating news. What do you think of that for a response sound? Can we just analyse that? What emotion were you trying to convey with that? I think you could look back now. The falling away of the old guard.

I tell you what I see. The closing of pubs, even though I don't drink myself, makes me a bit melancholy. And some of the British legions, because there's not as many old World War II... I mean, when I was a kid, there was World War I veterans about. Can you believe that? Oh, yes.

Obviously, there's veterans for the wars, but something about World War II... Oh, the wars are available. Yeah. Something about Hitler that gives it that extra oomph. You know what I'm saying? He's getting a lot of coverage today. He is.

By the way, we know that he is. On Absolute Radio. Oh, my God. Actually, you've said to stomach. Anyway. He's going to do well on Absolute 30s. Meanwhile, 383 has said, on TV adverts, when required to eat an apple,

they always hold it so the stem is perpendicular to the ground and bite downwards every time. Do they? I would agree with that. That's from Will. I feel like we need to pick our way through that. When he says perpendicular to the ground, we're going... I can show you visually.

It's like a man biting into it aggressively. Yeah. And then the scene will end. But is it stalk up? Stalk very much up. Depends on the man. Hey, missus! You know those sort of scenes.

Or we certainly do as well. They won't be getting any joy out of me. I find it's a thing that a lot of, I've seen pretty girls in the street who are casually dressed, eating an apple eating an apple he is isn't he? it's a recurring motif of the show

he thinks that girls eat the apples trying to be cool or something, don't you? it's like the way when people are waiting for someone instead of standing, they sort of sit on quite a not a very safe place on a wall or something and they're thinking in their mind albums leave.

Pathetic. Anyway what on earth were we talking about? Well I don't know I wanted to pay a little visit to an area that I like to call Stoney Ground. Oh, OK.

Because we haven't been there yet, Frank. OK. You've taught me. If you're ready. New readers, I do a show on ITV on Tuesday nights called Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain. I call it Damab. I call it Damab. It's a live show, so obviously some of the jokes I do on there drop, well, they fall onto stony ground.

And so we like to pick out the biggest disaster of the week. You do. When I say we, for some reason I do. It's like when you get a tooth that hurts, you can't keep your tongue out of it. It's like that. So here comes the jingle. Some of them before I'm Tony Brown.

You love that jingle. It's great. You actually stared lovingly at the desk after you played that. I still can't believe it's him. Can I say my first vote this week? For Stoney Brown? This week, I think there's a lot of candidates. Oh, I'm not saying anything.

I mean, I have a few thoughts. My first... My first... Actually, I hope there'd be readers' nominations coming in. But one of the ones... We were talking about what coin... What's the coin that you wouldn't bend down to pick up? Oh, I know which one. And I went, I said I'd pick up a penny

because I'm trying to encourage my action man to use a coaster. Right. Got absolutely nothing. I mean, it got nothing. I like that. In fact, I'm going to get a, I've got a jingle here to suggest what it got.

There it goes. Glad I got that fitted. We'll be back for more. I said there's lots of options this week. Don't go away. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, stony ground, Frank. Yes. Have you got any suggestions?

Oh, please don't do this to me. May I say off the top, I enjoyed the coaster penny joke, so I'd be interested to see how the others fare. See, I like that bit of loyalty from my... No, it wasn't loyalty. Believe me. There was a little bit of me hoping you told a terrible joke and then I could go, oh, that is awful. No, well, you know, fair enough.

I mean, obviously, your zonal marking didn't get what it deserved. Well, we never got through that because of the snoring. No, I know. But one of the ones that this is, I think there was a moment where I tried to avoid in my life being pathetic. But there was a bit where I did, there was a question about, would you let your partner go out and have dinner with an ex? Yes, I remember that.

And I got angry about the idea of this ex. And I said, most of the country are preparing to put an X in a box soon, and I think I might literally do that. He got nothing. Oh, that's a shame. But what I did after, there was a question about dreams from Jonathan, and I said, well, I had a nightmare that I was on a live TV show, and I did a show about putting an X in a box, and it got no laughs.

And that got no laughs. Well, can I just say, that did get a very big laugh in my gap well yes but so i it was a pathetic attempt to have another go i thought maybe they haven't got it like a lit firework you went back no i did go back and it exploded in my face but it was uh it was a night it was all getting very meta which i quite liked you were referencing stony ground on the show i like to see a man um suffering like that even if it's me there's something there's something so much about humanity and you're trying to bring that joke back in a different context and then it failing again it's like ancient sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill, letting it roll

down and pushing it back up again. Anyway, sorry, that's probably a little bit self indulgent, but if you haven't heard this show before you need to get used to that. Any road up. I think I might owe my wife an apology because I was teasing her moments ago

about the banana knife. Not carrying it, she doesn't carry it, but in the kitchen she'll use a knife. There's a song I sing about it to the tune of The Candyman Cat. Banana knife wife. She's the banana knife wife. We've had a text from Tom from Greenwich. During a time of heightened security at my work,

it turned out one of my colleagues was bringing a full tea set in with her each day. So carrying a banana knife probably isn't that unusual. Can I just clear up? Wow. She doesn't actually carry a banana knife out of the home. No. Well, then how does she eat a banana on the road? That's a good question.

If she's eating it on the road sans knife, she could eat it in the home sans knife also. Yeah, exactly. She could. I'm just saying if. She could eat it in the home, son's knife. Yeah, exactly. She could. I'm just saying if there was anything sharp enough in a car, in a car interior, that you could just drag it along. Oh, seatbelt buckle, maybe? How sharp's the crucifix you've got hanging from the rearview mirror? And the car keys aren't what they used to be.

Hold on, Mark, what's funny about that? It's one of those paper ones that you see. He's got one of the fish symbols. The car keys aren't what they used to be, Frank. No, see, a car key would have been great for a snip in the banana. My car key now would be bludgeoning the banana. I could mash it onto toast with it. My car key now is not dissimilar to a banana, my car key.

Is it? Yeah. It's a big plastic... Are you driving some sort of clown car with a glitter horn? No, I'm driving it. My car's like

an enormous coconut that I sit in and there's like a, the back part of it is the spiky bit of a pineapple and then there's a banana

for the ignition. Have you not seen them? I've not seen, no. I bought it at a jungle sale. I'm sorry, I'm sorry everyone. I like no. I bought it at a jungle sale. I'm sorry, everyone. I like that.

I like that. See, I had this nightmare that I was doing a radio show. Yeah, but look, we laughed, so you relived the moment. You did, but you're very loyal, whereas the British public can be fickle. I'm fine. I don't blame them for that. I'm fickle along with them, but even so. Apparently, there are some British Legion

The Foreign Legion, does that still exist? What were the ones with the lovely hats? Beaugest, that was the French Foreign Legion Yes, that's the only Foreign Legion I know If a man wore that, hello That's the question 8, 12, 15, are there any other Foreign Legions than the French Foreign Legion?

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 8.12.15. It might get read out, and then you'll be able to tell your friends. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Again, could be read out. It's not out of the question. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Still in there.

Three chances to get famous. In a very minuscule fashion. You can tell your friends that you got read out on the radio. That says you get famous. Well, you'll be on the podcast and stuff. You'll be on the podcast. Don't shoot it down. I not i'm not i think i i like the texters because i think they do it for the taking part more so but anyway anyway we've had some you uh before the um new famous music and adverts you you said is there a

foreign legion do they still exist no is there a Foreign Legion other than the French Foreign Legion as well? Well, Steve, Black Cab Steve, has said Frank, there's the Spanish Foreign Legion. Who knew? I didn't know that. When he said it today, did he look in his rearview mirror? So I'm supposed

to look in the rearview mirror as well so I can see his eyes? I think so, yeah. See, I never do that. I know they're doing it, but I always look at the back of their heads. I don't want to look in the rearview mirror so I can see his eyes? I think so, yeah. See, I never do that. I know they're doing it, but I always look at the back of their heads. I don't want to look straight in their rearview mirror eyes. You don't like the connection. Well, there's something about the rearview mirror. There's something a bit...

Well, it's a bit like you could be in a thriller suddenly. Yes. Who wants to be in a thriller when you're in a car? In Manila. Apparently, Russia, Spain and US have foreign legions or similar. US have one as well. PS, the whole punch head stamp, Apple press thing, highly amusing but very odd.

Oh. I honestly, can I say, I honestly thought we'd get 20 texts saying, yeah I do, I've been doing that for years. We tend not to read praise, do we, but if it says highly amusing but very odd, and very is in caps there, so it seems like that's more than the praise bit.

If there's a little sous-sant of the Scorpio, then I'll read it, the praise. There's a sting in the tail, definitely. The Foreign Legion is actually Légion d'Etrangers. Nice. Nor in our house! And a texter who was rescued

by the French Foreign Legion from Rwanda when the war started there. Amazing. Three, five, seven. Oh, welcome. Fantastic. Welcome. Yeah.

So he's famous now. Yes. I think it's fair to say he kept a low profile. Phil on the M25 has texted, I just want to be famous. Oh, he's not actually put I. Just want to be famous. That kept a low profile. Phil on the M25 has texted, I just want to be famous. Oh, he's not actually put I. Just want to be famous. That's because of you. You said you could text in and be famous.

Well, that's good. Well, according to 999, hi boys, they were at the Spanish Foreign Legion wearing risque 70s shirts and very tight trousers. Do they? Because the French Foreign Legion wear those baggy white trousers. I know.

I'm going Jodhpurs, Frank. What I do love, they wear those caps with the bit of cloth at the back. Oh, that always makes me think of the Laurel and Hardy film. Yes, because they join the French Foreign Legion. Yeah, but which is the film? What's the name of it? It's called Beau Chomps in

America. Yes. And it's called's called Bo Chomps in America. Yes. And it's called... I just clapped at the knowledge. I mean, it's so good. This is his specialist subject. I think it's got... No, maybe it's just Bo Chomps. Maybe I'm mixing it up with...

There's one that's Sons of the Desert in one part of the Atlantic and Fraternally Yours. Right. Which I think Fraternally Yours might be their greatest effort. Oh, it's fantastic. But, I mean, that's a great one when they join the oh yeah is this where Desert Boots came from?

no they don't wear Desert Boots they wear like big thick boots no they came from one show presenters Desert Boots I remember there's a bit where it's John Carradine I think, plays the commander of the thing, David Carradine's dad.

Oh, really? And he says, he asks them why they forgot. He said, why did you join them? Whatever possessed you two to join the Foreign Legion? And he said, and Stan says, we came to forget. And he said, to forget what? And he says, we came to forget. And he said, to forget what? And he says, we forgot. You forgot what you came here to forget?

Well, and so on. OK, a little extract from Bo Chomps there by Laurel and Hardy. I'm one of those very tragic people who can do quite long tracks of Laurel and Hardy, so let's move off this quickly. It's a skill. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. But a couple of self-confessed pedants

have got in touch with us this morning on Absolute Radio. I don't mind a bit of pedantry. Six, well, good, because you'll enjoy the next 20 minutes. 657. Grammar Nazi here. It's Sean not shined. Can I, when I said I shined the apple on the, I sort of said Sean. That's like daisies.

I'll get back to you as soon as I can. OK. That's not it. I Sean, Sean it. That's not it. You're happy to be corrected, aren't you? Well, you see, I think of Sean as something that something did. It Sean. Whereas shined is a sort of active verb. Yeah, you did it. You shined

the apple. I'm quibbling, is what I'm doing. I'm quibbling with this pedantry. What's the other bit? Strapping. The other bits, we have various ones. 442. 442 was corrected. It was Charles Middleton, not John

Carradine. Really? Was it not John Carradine. Carradine. Really? Well, who knows? Was it not John Carradine who also played the Emperor Ming in the Buster Crab? I don't know, but I like the way you said that in a manner of a barrister in court. Was it not John Carradine?

Did you not arrive two hours before that carrying an axe? Your witness. All right, Rumpel or Bailey. You're so Rumpel. You would have been a very good barrister, Frank. Do you think so? Well, yes, because I think you would have been one of those ones. You would have taken on some cases

to keep the coffers going. But then I think you would have looked after. But I'm never happy in a hat. Oh, that's a shame. I've got quite a big head. But you're a very would have looked after it. But I'm never happy in a hat. Oh, that's a shame. Because I've got quite a big head. Yeah, but you're a very, very good arguer. Thank you very much. What I should have said, of course, is,

no, I'm not, but I can't be bothered. You would have had a forensic attention to detail of what the other person has said. I don't think I could have got a wig that fit me. Well, I worry about the hygiene of those wigs. Do you think they ever, when they get back from the court, do they I worry about the hygiene of those wigs. Do you think they ever, when they get back from the court, do they ever let the curls out of those wigs and let them

have like a big white afro, just for the night? Imagine, you see, if I was a barrister, I'd have a blowout with that hairdo every day with that wig. I'd have a chignon one day. Do you have to have the curls? Could you alter it? Well, who says?

Any barristers or lawyers listening? Don't go crazy. Just start off with a ring clip or two. Just adjust them. I would genuinely like to know from anyone in the legal profession, do you have to have those curls? Can you style the wig?

Yeah, can you change your do? And go floppy and like one of those dogs that you used to see in the 80s. Do you know what I mean? Or what about our straightening irons on the wig? Like a sort of Afghan hound, do you mean? I'm thinking a sort of a white version of Terence Trent Darby's. That hair used to be.

Or maybe Faye Tozer when she was in Steps. Remember she had that. Remember, she had the white dreads? Yes. I think you could do that with one of those. We've had more corrections as well. OK. It's not just wigs in court news.

Not wishing to correct you, but you should push your lower jaw up as that is articulated and moves, not the top down. I find it far more effective from 306. See, what happens, I am pressing my lower jaw up, but all that happens is it just pushes my, I end up, if I'm eating an apple sitting down, I push the lower jaw up, I end up standing up. Okay, well, this is taking on the manner of a private consultation. You might have a weak neck, I think that's what you're describing there.

There's a weakness there. I can't quite identify it. But I just keep pushing myself up like that. I've got to bring my hand down on the top of my head. The problem is I don't know if you need a dentist or an osteopath to work through this. No, there's... I honestly thought everyone would say,

yeah, we all do that. Oh, dear. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text from Bernie saying, Frank, maybe you should accept the age dilemma of eating a hard apple and move on to the easier-to-bite conference pear. Well, I mean, the pear is easier to eat because it's narrower,

so you don't have to open your jaw so far. But you can get... Sometimes you get pears, it's like eating a stone. Are you thinking of an avocado? No. Avocado pear. They used to call them that, didn't they? No. Didn't they, back in the day?

Yes. Now, I'd like to discuss this morning, because he hasn't been on the show for a while, and I'd say he's almost friend of the he hasn't been on the show for a while, and I'd say he's almost friend of the show's status, Bieber Belieber. Ah, yes. I know you're a fan.

We're all fans in this room. Well, when I say I'm a fan, I mean, I couldn't tell you one Bieber tune. Does that make me a bad person? You have gone on record, I believe, of describing him as a very great fool. Which is one of my favourite Bieber descriptions. He often says that to those he loves. I can vouch for that. But he's a, you know, he's a young man. He's got a lot to learn. You're also on record as saying that he's handsome, I think. Oh, he's definitely handsome. Yeah. Oh, definitely. Oh, he's hot, I would say.

He's turned out to be a bit of a high-maintenance type when it comes to... You don't say. The show rider. Now, we've explained what the show rider is. Yeah, it was in Happy Mondays. Now, a rider is a thing that you have on your contract and it means what your demands, what you want in your dressing room.

For example, today I have cashews and external coffee at 9am. Yes, I have half a dozen apples, some Robinson's lemon barley water and some bananas. That's what I have. What do you have Alan? I'm alright. Alan has a bag of compost.

And a Ginsters. Exactly. And he's fine. He's happy happy and I am it's a simple pleasure Bieber not so much with the compost no compost on the rider turns out Bieber

wants 12 white handkerchiefs I respect him for that though someone a bit French Foreign Legion I'm too young for the hankies I'm a big handkerchief man. And I didn't... Twelve? I thought the youth had given up.

Yeah, me too. Me too. But how great that he's got... How old is he, Bieber? I'll go over to the youth correspondents on the show, Daisy and Sarah. Twenties? I'm going to go 24.

23. Okay. Young for a hanky, though, isn't it? Yeah. Well, maybe he's making one of those hats for the beach, Al. Depends what he's doing with them. He could be old for a hanky. Hanky's making one of those beach hats.

Maybe he's making them for the whole crew. I like the idea that he's sitting not in them. Hey! Hey, Steve! Hey, Steve! Hey, JB! He's yours. There you go. Is that a little tight?

I can loosen. Scooter. Well, Scooter is his manager, of course. Oh, yeah, Scooter. Scooter will have one of those. Scooter will wear one under his safety helmet. Scooter in safety helmet. He might be knotting them together to try and

plot an escape from the luxury hotel. Yes. Well, maybe he likes to declare a truce regularly. In the traditional fashion. Yeah, or wave to the fans for the thing. Elvis used to wear silk scarves that he used to give out

to the fans from the stage. So he had lots of the silk scarves knowing that he was going to give them away. Yeah, he had a guy whose one of his special jobs was to keep topping up Elvis with the next silk scarf after he'd handed one out. Well, I used to have. It wasn't silk.

It was very cheap nylon because I was obsessed by Elvis when I was a child. I had a white nylon Elvis scarf. Did you? There you go. Yeah. Thank you. But not handed out by Elvis. No. No. Sorry. That anecdote doesn't end there, which is unusual for my childhood.

However, in addition to the handkerchiefs, he wants a jacuzzi. No, I read... What I read is that he wants a jacuzzi and 12 ping pong balls. I think he might be staging his own lottery. It's all fun. Come on, get your hankies on and off we go.

This weekend, it's going to be here. And then they just... Number 84. He has one guy sitting there saying, 17th time in the last six months this has come up here. Oh, Matt, the fun they have backstage. And maybe John Barrowman's singing a little ballad. They always have that on the Lotto Show, Frank.

Don't they? Yes. I've never really noticed Barrowman being a regular, haven't I? Yeah, he's always been a regular. I don't watch it as much. I usually catch the repeat. It's on UK Gold.

All the old lottery shows. It loses a bit of its dynamism, but there we go. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing Justin Bieber. We were, but I'd just like to say, on my microphone,

it looks like someone's taken a bite out of the phone. It does. So I just wanted to put that out there. Do you think they pressed the top of their head there when they did it? Well, maybe they are. I'll come round and have a look at it. There's a suitable break in the proceedings. It's a cartoon bite.

Anyway, Bieber Belieber. So he wants a jacuzzi. he wants 12 white handkerchiefs. Socks. See, if I was Bieber, I wouldn't use that. You know the old finger over one nostril and then over the other? Firing method that footballers use. Oh, yeah.

I'd do that straight into a Tupperware container and then onto eBay. Oh, right. but people would buy it well we sold your hair on eBay when you had a haircut once yeah but well I think the I think the cloning community oh they'd be all over they're always after a bit of DNA

whereas the cloning community they just buy it for everybody yeah but you know what? He could sell it. He could sell his mucus. It is okay for money. I should think so.

I reckon. In addition to this, refrigerator, but it's got to be see-through. I kind of see the point of that, though. I'll tell you something now. A bit of common sense from being a cleaner fridge. I don't know if you find this, Al, but I find, now you come to mention it, the vast majority of dressing room refrigerators are see-through. It's never occurred to me before.

But it is, it's a trope, is what it is, in dressing rooms. It's a leit. Okay. Continuing the German theme. Apparently the socks that he's requested are either small or extra large. Well, that'll be for Biscuit the bodyguard. No middle ground for the Bieber socks request. Very small

or very large. Yeah. Does he keep a kangaroo, Bieber? Yeah. He wants XS or XXL. Has he got a wallabie, then? Or do you think there's somebody on his security detail whose job it is to do sock puppets, one big and one small?

I hope so. Oh, I'd love that. So he can practice his interview technique. They obviously do it that much that he's getting through so many socks. They get worn down if too many performances. I think he's got tiny feet, but he actually wears the big black socks

for his deputy dog impression that he does. He does a brilliant deputy dog. Do you think he's got... Whoa, let's go! That's what he says before they go on stage. Part of that ritual. Do you think he's got what I call Sven-Goran Eriksson's on the feet front?

Well, I don't know. I mean, he's got... Size four. Why would you want big socks and little socks? Depends, I suppose. Where he's wearing them. Question is,

which ones are getting the big socks and which ones are the... It's a good question. I thought I was texting. I used to have socks on my rider. Did you? Yeah, but let's not talk about that, Frank used to have socks on my rider. Did you?

Yeah, but let's not talk about that, Frank. You've moved on since then. One pair of black socks and two stamped local postcards. Was that really on your rider? That was on my rider, yes. So that I could send to friends from the various... And local postcards would be brilliant. They have things like shopping centres on them

and post boxes, you know, it gives a real flavour. Some places, if you're in York, there's plenty to go for. Yeah. If you're in another place

that I don't want to mention because people will say, actually, I live there and there's somebody like, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. And I don't want that.

I don't want that in my life. But I love a really, a hardcore local postcard. It's like a picture of a chip-shot wall. Yeah, but now, Frank, now you've got a whole wardrobe divided into various TV stations. You've got the Channel 4 suits, the ITV suits and the BBC suits.

The Channel 4 suits are a bit 1980s in their appearance. I like suit suits. But it is a strange, the big sock and the little sock. Very odd. What is he up to, Bieber? Go on. If anyone's got any clean suggestions why he has extra large and extra small socks on his rider.

Do keep us posted on that one. But I won't read it if it's rude. No, I won't. No. Stop. Just put them in their place. Maybe he's building a centipede. A model centipede.

You think? Every gig puts another couple of legs on. Yes. Yeah. Absolutely crying out for show number 50. He needs something to do in between the sound check and the show so he doesn't get into trouble otherwise. He's got the

smartphones. Yeah. He can play the games and things on the smartphones. Or he could make a big centipede. I imagine he fills the big sock with coins to reprimand any crew that may have errors. Just across the shoulder blade. You!

Oh! I can just see that. Anyway, where's my centipede? Where did you put my centipede? you're listening to the frank skinner podcast from absolute radio want your frank fix a little sooner listen live every saturday from 8 a.m on absolute radio across the uk on digital radio mobile apps and in london and the southeast on 105.8 fm absolute radio now frank no we've had a text in, which I think you might enjoy. Go on.

It's from Steve. And he says, I believe Grammar Nazi may be wrong. I said this. Yeah. He says, we should say it was because you referred to... Shined. I shined an apple on the chair here. Instead of shone, yeah.

And Steve says, it's passive versus active. The sun shone, but I shined my shoes. I said that. The sun shone, I shined. Well, you were an English teacher. Love it. Very high standard. Are you going to tell me now that I'll get back to you as soon as I can is correct?

Which we should say. Steve said, actually, it's absolutely fine. That's how you're supposed to say it, shoon. For people that have just tuned in, is the answer message on Daisy, our producer's voicemail, but she still hasn't changed it, Frank. Now it's become a classic. It's kind of her little catchphrase.

It would be a same to change it. To shange it. Yeah, it would. We've also had a good email suggestion from John. You know I love a re on the... Oh, God. I love a re. Re Apple.

Hi, Frank and the gang. Regarding the Apple situation, that's all in lowercase, and now it goes to caps. Okay. Why not stick it in someone else's mouth to get it started? Hey. I don't know why it in someone else's mouth to get it started? Hey.

I don't know why it switches to caps there. I think he remembered that the whole Apple thing might be a cause of age. And so now he's speaking up a bit. But there's a job. Stick it in someone else's mouth to get it started. There's a job for a keen runner looking for a leg up in show business. I like the idea of not saying anything, just extending an arm with an apple and just break the surface of that for me, will you, Geoff?

Starting an impromptu piggy roast. Why not? Exactly, I could get myself a sockling pig. How dare you? You've been working on this show for eight years. And then I could just lean the elbow on the snout just to start. A sockling pig. How dare you? You've been working on this show for eight years. And then I could just lean the elbow on the snout just to start the thing off. I had sockling pig once. It's absolutely...

I'm not a vegetarian, but I nearly turned vegetarian having had sockling pig. I think having an animal with an apple in its mouth, stop it. Strange instruction. Interesting. Anyone at home? Well, you wouldn't have survived Henry's court, would you? If anyone's planning a

Socklin pick, or as they say in the horse racing community, an SP. Can I talk you out of it at the last minute? Okay. But can I say, I might well have been right about The Shining. I was wrong about John Carradine. I'm going to fess up.

I've spent the greater part of my life thinking that John Carradine was the Commandant. By the way, I was right that it had two titles. It was Bo Chomps and Bo Honks. Right. Bo Chomps and Bo Honks. Right. But Emperor Ming and the Commandant were played by Charles Middleton, as our text person says. I was wrong.

Yes, 442 has said that, actually. I've just noticed Ming the Merciless was Charles Middleton, too. Yeah, I hope John Carradie hasn't been getting Charles Middleton's royalties, because it was my mistake. I feel terrible about that. I know this is really interesting stuff for you guys. For me, it's life-changing.

I really like it. Can we talk about some Doctor Who episodes? I think we've had various possible songs of the desert texted in their favourite Lollapalooza articles. At least I'm not going to start snoring or anything. Fresh fish caught in the ocean this morning. Anyway, we were talking about... Bieber.

Bieber, Bieber, Bieber. 874 has texted, Hi, Frank, Alan and the lovely M. Ree Bieber's booties. Maybe he means big socks equals normal socks. Small socks equals trainer socks. Oh, yes. So the whole thing's scaled down for Bieber's diminutive status.

Do you think he's a trainer socks man? See, I don't really associate him with socks. That's what's the amazing thing about this. That's the big shock. I think of him as Sol's hose. He seems like he'd be with a van, maybe. Yeah. A van slip-on.

But a hipster injury. Yeah. I can picture him with Yvonne Lendl. Can you? Just chatting. Just backstage making the centipede. Justin. Yes!

Yvonne Lendl. He wants to come back and say, Who? Yvonne Lendl used wants to come back and say Who? Ivan Lendl used to be a tennis Now a coach No! Tell him no That's the end of that

I'll tell you where I am Would Ivan Lendl bang on the back of the van? Similar to when a prisoner's in there, Frank Are you banging on the side of the jacuzzi? Eve, I just want to have a little talk about... Get away from... Who's that? Whoa! There's another... I will come back to it.

There's another Bieber thing that... It's so thin! There's a Bieber thing that really struck me. Who is that? He's a European guy. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show, if you will, on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We'd love to hear from you. We've had all sorts of interesting people text us in this morning.

Yes, it's smashing, isn't it? We were talking about the French Foreign Legion and John Trapper has confirmed that the French Foreign Legion does still exist because he served ten years with it. Wow. Between 1985 and 1995 as an infantryman and paratrooper. Wow. He's now in Africa.

I wonder what his colour size is. I'm saying between 18 and 20. He says he misses it, so there you go. Really? I think, yeah. They used to say it was like the toughest thing you could be in. Well, he sounds like a tough character, this John. But then they never did live prime time television

didn't spend so much time on stony ground as sandy it's a lot of sandy ground um sand speaking of sandy of course you know it's the name of my mother-in-law okay yeah you brought her up Yeah. And this ties in a bit with the live TV because we had a question a few weeks ago on this show I do about what would you do if someone fell asleep on your shoulder on public transport? Would you let them sleep?

Would you wake them up? Now, Sandy Mason, my mother-in-law, she fell asleep on someone's shoulder on um public transport and um and they when she woke woke up they'd let her sleep because she was you know tired single mom and all that, well, I don't know if that was the case. And also, she's got very springy hair, so I don't imagine it was uncomfortable. She's got great hair. Bounce in it.

Yeah, she's the sort of current Kevin Keegan tribute act. Right. Well, I'd say it's more cockapoo. Would you? Yeah. But you can see on your shoulder it wouldn't be unpleasant because the bone wouldn't reach because of the springiness. But anyway, she woke up and apologised to the woman and they became very, very good friends.

I mean, really close friends and still are as far as I know. That's nice. And I thought it would be a good texting, wouldn't it? What's the weirdest way you've made a friend? Oh, I like that thing. a good texting, wouldn't it? What's the weirdest way you've made a friend? Oh, I like that, Frank. 8, 12, 15. Something about Bieber which appealed to me is that, and perhaps you can explain this as you've read the article thoroughly,

not that I haven't, I just still couldn't understand it, that some of the food that has to be supplied yes get is is named after his hits yeah correct yeah named by who i i think they say stuff like here's the um what well they came up with some suggestions boyfriend burger or love yourself lamb, they suggested. Is that one of his hits? The boyfriend burger is a phrase I'm not easy with. If I tuned into Breakfast Radio and someone said boyfriend burger, I'd think, well, I haven't heard this myself, but this doesn't sound like it should be on.

It doesn't sound right. Doesn't sound like it should be on this time of the month. Well, that was when I dated one of the burgers of Calais. Oh, yeah. He still got your keys. But, you know, if you were to do this... It's a very niche, but very brilliant. I think it might be the first

Rodan joke there's ever been on Absolute Radio. No, but it gave some suggestions, including... But who names them? Who names the meals? I think the chefs are tasked with renaming. So they have to

not only cook for him but they have to go through his discography and come up with that? It's a lot to ask isn't it? I don't like it. They probably look at the discography and go well which of these most fits a blue cheeseburger or whatever or you know

pasta. I tell you what I like. I mean, I've been to restaurants where they have things like... Yeah. They call the burgers after whatever the local thing is and stuff. But there was one I noted which was the, what do you mean watermelon? And what I'm doing now, I've got, I've captured an image on my phone of a watermelon

and if anyone I'm going to use it as a stock response to any ambiguous text or email you're just going to take a picture of watermelon I'm just going to send them the what do you mean watermelon so they can then explain to me what on earth

they're talking about. That's going to save me a lot of time. So, Bieber, respect to Mondo. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Hello. We've been talking about Justin Bieber

this morning on Absolute Radio and he's an extraordinary rider. But there's been some other curious showbiz shenanigans by one of my faves, P. Diddy. Oh, P. Diddy. Only last week we were talking about, or was it the week before, famous people with just the one initial that they use. Yes.

P. Diddy being one of them. Did he get a mention? We had another one come in this morning which i was a film director did he do unbreakable he did that's right what was he called m night shy amelin what's the surname shy amelin okay that's not how it was written Yeah. M. Night... Yes. Shyamalan. Do-do-do-do. How old are you both? Anyways, P. Diddy was at...

This is an event which comes very much into my area. It's the Met Ball or Gala. Can I say I'd never heard of this event until this year. It's been absolutely everywhere. It's the big calendar date in the fashion diary. Since when though? A long time? It's been going

a while now. It's been going a long while. And Anna Wintour sort of curates it. Does she? I think is the word, possibly. And they have a theme every year. If I was her, I would so call it the Wintour Wonderland. I mean, how can she miss a trick like that? It's a real oversight, isn't it?

Well, they have a theme. Other people just don't think like you, Frank. That is becoming increasingly evident. They probably don't want it. This is true. Doesn't want it to be associated with one of those terrible Christmas pop-up theme parks that you get. Just a tractor and loads of disappointed people.

Plastic reindeer with an Easter bonnet on. They have a theme every year and this year it was Comme des Garcons, the designer, who's very out there. Yeah. Is that where? She, actually, is the woman behind it. Couldn't get in.

No, it's very avant-garde, which is why people, some people were saying, Rihanna, you might have seen her in a quite extraordinary Comme des Garcons creation. A lot of people played safe. I didn't see her. Anyway, P. Diddy... Oh, yes.

He went full cape, didn't he? I wish P. Diddy just once would wear one of those hats that the Diddy Men used to wear with a buckle on the hat band. Just once. Just once wear one of those. I like your fantasy, but I wonder how aware of the work of the Diddy Men he is. I think he must

Google himself. I'm imagining he's a big self Googler. Yes. And he will have come across. He'll be on the alerts, Frank Diddy. If I said Naughty Ash to him he'd know what I was talking about. And the jam butty minds and all that. I just, I bet you he talks about that at home.

No, he doesn't. How much do you bet? You know when they have extra tracks on A Greatest Hits? Yeah. He did Love Is Like A Violin, the Ken Dodson. Did he? Love is like a violin! You know that one?

That's very good. You really look like him, then. I do. I become him when I do the impression. Oh, um... Half penis, half penis, the greatest gift that I've... I become him. Oh.

I don't know how you become Diddy. No, I don't become Diddy. I'm in the very cold weather. So, anyway, you should explain what he did, P. Diddy. What he did, Eddie? What did he do? This story has got a lot to go through. I was already interested at the full cape.

I love the cape. It's like a spiderweb design as well. I believe it was Rick Owens, but anyway, as you were. What, it wasn't even his own? That is outrageous. He was being stitched into it before. I saw that. Stitched into a stitched into it before i saw that stitched into a cape yes i saw videos can i say i was championing the cape on this show what must be

four or five years ago you were i know and diddy now in the slow lane comes up and he gets all the publicity and that's a podcaster though that's what it is he's listened to it same thing happened to me with the houndstooth check. Nobody was wearing it except me. And then suddenly, honestly, I mean, what's going to be next? Everyone will be pressing their heads down to eat an apple. Yeah. You wait till Kanye is doing it.

Everyone think it's great. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from absolute radio we were talking about people who'd met in unusual ways yes and 153 has been in touch warning all really weird friendship beginnings my best friend in the world who i'm referred to as my wifey which is something that the modern day females do which i rather like we started out after she let's say had relations with my then-boyfriend. Needless to say, he didn't last, but we have. Being disappointed by the same man does wonders for a friendship. Wow.

Brilliant. Thank you, 153. I find that rather uplifting. Yes. It's a bit like brothers in arms, but I don't know if I can voice what the equivalent should be in this case. That's lovely, though. Lovely positive. I really like that. And an even lovelier piece of news, Justin, which will make your day, FS. Emma Knight, OED confirms, at Frank on the Radio, is correct with Shined.

Oh. Oh, Emma Knight. Late September. That's fantastic news. I mean, you know, I was wrong about Charles Middleton, but I'm glad I've learnt that. But the grammar thing... Well, when you're wrong, I don't want to be right. And we haven't heard from...

And that's going on my tombstone. We haven't heard from the pedant Nazi, or whatever he was called. Is that what he was called? The grammar Nazi. Grammar Nazi. A bit hard call there. Yeah, because pedant Nazi or whatever he was called. Is that what he was called? The grammar Nazi. Grammar Nazi. A bit hardcore, that. Yeah, because pedant Nazi would be a bit extreme. Yeah.

Yeah. The pedant Nazi, he'd be a difficult man. Even the really bad ones avoid him. Oh, no, you can't put up everything you say. Sorry, that's... Let's leave it there. We were discussing P. Diddy's appearance at the Met Gala red carpet.

Yes. Not only did he appear in what you describe as a cobwebby cape. Yeah. It was lovely. He had what I can only describe as a lie down. He had a little... Well, I worked briefly in a music shop called Our Price, which older readers may remember.

Did you really? Yes, and I worked with an Irish guy called Manus, who I loved. He used to listen to My Bloody Valentine. Are we allowed to say that on Absolute Radio? I think so. That's the name of a band, so I apologise. I think I might have even played them at some point. And he would sometimes say,

I'm going to go and have a little lie down. And he'd have a lie down in the back of the shop. Oh, brilliant. And that is what P. Diddy did. What P. Diddy did? I mean, I think the opportunity for a lie down is massive when you're self-employed. I respect Amanda, to your hour-price colleague,

for managing a lie down during a shift. But I looked at that and just thought, P. Diddy's self-employed. He's having a lie down whenever he wants one. He's not got a boss. He's not clocked in or out. We should say that this was an unusual red carpet in that it wasn't red for a start-up.

No, that is an unusual red carpet. It went up some stairs. Yeah. So that's where he's... He didn't lie flat on the ground. It was more a sort of Prince Charming's ball. Yeah. If you picture the stairs in the background

of a Morecambe and Wise Christmas special type stairs, that's sort of... Sancho Anawinter would be delighted at that comparison. And he sat on there while his girlfriend was being photographed, so she was... Cassie. So he just thought, well, it's not about me now. It's something he's probably

never thought before in his life. Did he really think it's not about me lying down supine on the stairs of the Met? I think he possibly... He then said, on Twitter, when people were saying, what are you doing? He said, I was getting tired, so I laid down on the stairs. That was his response. I wish he'd

have sat there and gone, halfway up the stairs is the stair where I sit, there isn't any other stair quite like it. It's not at the bottom and it's not at the top. This is the step that I always stop, stop, stop, stop. I wish he'd have done that. Just like Robin. Remember

Robin? Robin? Kermit's nephew who sang that. I do not remember that. Had a hit single with it. You don't remember it? I don't, no. We'll play something and see if I can do the second verse for you. Fantastic. Okay, you ready? Yeah.

Halfway up the stairs, he's on up on his... So, P. Diddy, we were talking about in the Cape, Sue Pine on the stairs of the Met. I mean, presumably... Sue Pine was there. Yeah, I love her. She's good. She I mean, presumably. Sue Pine was there. Yeah, I love her. She's good. She was out, Reg. She started Ikea.

So, do you think he was a bit sort of miffed that she was getting the photo opportunity? Yeah, 100. And he thought, I'll walk off and lie down. But of course, when he sits down, of course it's style focus totally what he's done now he's laid himself on those steps

knowing and I apologise for the footballer's tense but I'm sure he uses it he knew he was going to be the focus I could see those lenses shift yes she was carpet bombed carpet bombed I was once doing a stand up gig I've been blanket Yeah. I was once doing a stand-up gig.

I've been blanket bombed. Yeah. I was once doing a stand-up gig and a woman from the venue came along and closed the curtains

sort of to the side of the stage. I'm telling my joke like wrapping up in the last three minutes and she just came along and closed all the curtains

and it's so theatrical to swish. It wasn't Caroline Quentin it's not just the elephants don't forget it's funny you mention the football I think because I tell you what

it reminded me of Diddy on the stairs oh I love Diddy on the stairs Diddy on the Stairs. Oh, I love Diddy on the Stairs. Diddy on the Stairs sounds like something that Frank Spencer would have found. With a little bit of... Someone did a Diddy on the Stairs. There used to be a thing I really miss.

If ever there was any sort of stoppage in a football match, when I was a kid and first started going late 60s, early 70s. Footballers would just lie down on the pitch while it was happening. Oh, I love that. So if somebody got injured a summer, they'd all be sprawled all over the place. I mean, just in really absolute

they'd be couchant, as they say in the heraldic business. They'd just be sprawled out like people on a beach. And then when play, they'd all get up again and carry on. And it makes absolute sense. But they never do it now. I think because of the super-professionalism of the modern age,

it wouldn't look right. Only when they're doing some overly ornate celebration. Oh, yeah. You see, I find, because I need a seat wherever I go now, it's the first thing I find out is, will there be seats? I won't go if there are no seats. You do travel with one of those seven-quid fabric-y camping seats, don't you, just in case? Well, it's funny you should say that, Cochran,

because when a friend of mine was involved with the Chemical Brothers... Oh, yeah. ..and he was doing all the visuals for it, and he said... Which one? It wasn't Chemical Alley. It was, it was Chemical Alley. He said, would you come along to the gig? The Chemical Brothers gig. And I said, absolutely, I just, I have to have a seat, though.

I don't, and it's like, they all go in the mosh pit, and they're all very trendy, off in their own worlds, these people. Yes, I'll have to say that again. I said, I want a seat. I will bring a stool, if you could bring something for me to sit on. So a seat was found for me.

I think it might have been a temporary one. It was fine. It's lovely. I'll tell you what, whenever I see a hotel seat, you know when you sit, you see those sort of cheap seats you get in hotels. They put a bit of wood on to make them. I always think of the local elections.

I don't know why, but it's just something about that, about a sort of a cheap end. I have a theory about P. Diddy's behaviour here. You do? He wore a full length cape, and as you rightly said, four, five years ago

you started espousing a yearning for the cape and how it should be in fashion. You did. I think mere months ago on this very show, we discussed how the naughty step is overlooked for adult use. Oh, yes. Lo and behold, here's P. Diddy in full cape, sprawling on the naughty step. Is he sending us a signal that he's an avid reader of the podcast?

I'll put it to you that would be great to hear. And his desperate search for any dod material has arrived at me, the nefarious comedy. He'll be saying to Cassie, you don't do that pig iron no more. I used to love that. I've been listening to the second oldest comedian in Britain. And, oh, yes, of course, the naughty stuff. All makes sense.

Fantastic. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. By the way, the P, the P did he think, no one mentioned in the article I read that, you know, he's got that inner ear infection thing that

affects his balance. I wonder if he just had to sit there. Oh, vertigo, is it? No, it's labyrinthitis, is it? Something like that. Is it? P. Giddy, his friends call him. Oh, the journeys.

The journeys we go for the little bit of sugar at the end. Trayvon. Yeah. I was just in the... People might not know, listen to this show, that we're housed with other stations. So, when I

went to the toilet recently, I... Magic FM was playing. And they were playing Hot Stuff by Donna Sommer, which I'd forgotten that existed. What a fantastic track that is. I was elated.

You know you're broadcasting this, rival stations. Oh, yeah, we're all stable, mate. I love the partridge nature of this. What a fantastic track that is, Donna Sommer. That's your second partridge thing. I can't help it, I'm sorry. I regard the partridge references a bit like, did you see that episode of Seinfeld?

I've got to fight it. But Zabini, I never realised she said, I want some hot stuff, baby, this evening. Oh, does she? One rarely hears the phrase, this evening, in a sort of sexy song. Well, Arsenal did, they did a song, they did Hot Stuff as their official song once.

Did they? Did they say this evening? I can't remember how they changed it. Just for the night games. This afternoon doesn't count. This evening's fixture they changed it to. Do you think maybe she didn't mean it in a sexy way? She means hot stuff as in some spicy food this evening.

She's making plans. When I go to Paradise, which is the local Indian restaurant, I'm going there and I there and I'll say, can I have some hot stuff, baby, this evening? And see how that goes down. This is Frank Skinner

of Slick Radio. It's been quite a food-related show this week. Has it? Well, Apple Eating. Apple Eating? Various other bits. It's been quite a food-related show this week. Has it? Has it? Apple eating. He's been moved on from Hitler. Apple eating. There's been various other bits. Oh, yeah, apple eating.

I've got a question. I stood with a friend this week and... Show off. Yeah, get me. He's got friends. Ooh, get me. He's got friends. And, you know, the morning, he made some breakfast,

you know, like... Very romantic. You'd expect a fry-up to be bacon and eggs. Guess, I mean, well, I'm not going to turn it into a guessing game at this stage in the show. Side order. Yes. He said, I thought we'd have some macaroni cheese

along with the bacon and eggs. I mean, I like, I love macaroni cheese, but that's exactly it. I wasn't convinced that it was a breakfast thing. And also I said, isn't there going to be too much yellow on our plate with the fried eggs as well? It's become very fashionable though.

A lot of yellow. You want other colours, don't you? Surely. So hang on, you've got the fried egg, the mac and cheese. Yeah. What else is yellow? The perler. You said breakfast, didn't you?

Don't understand Limoncello If Nancy DiLoglio's in the house Because Nancy DiLoglio Does have a brand of Limoncello Does she? Well that I mean She makes a Limoncello A lot of people would bring out a fragrance

But to bring out your own Limoncello She. She makes a limoncello. See, a lot of people would bring out a fragrance and stuff, but to bring out your own limoncello. She's brought out a limoncello. Good for her. She launched it last year, I believe. God, I'm going to see if I can get her out my own Advocat. But not until I get home, obviously. No.

Okay, so thank you so much for listening. Rock and Roll Football is next with Ben Borrell. Thank you so much for listening. Rock and Roll Football is next with Ben Borrell. And a lot of people have been asking about why I say at the end of the show, bring on the feathers. What happened was, and I'm never going to explain this again,

but Mariah Carey had a bit of a terrible gig in Times Square for New Year's. And at the end of it, there was some guys waiting with those big feathery fans at the side for the final number. And waiting with those big feathery fans at the side for the final number and she just turned to them in despair and said bring on the feathers goodbye the frank skinner show on absolute radio back saturday morning from eight tune in live for the full frank experience

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