The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Illest Quotes

Episode Date: December 12, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is away this week so The Divine Miss Em takes the reigns with Alun and friend of the show Gareth. The team discuss their show outing to the Radio Academy Hall of Fame and talk Kanye's 'illest quotes' plus ask what noises are we irrationally intolerant of?

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. The more observant among you might have already realised that Frank's not here this morning. I'm Emily Dean and I'm sitting in Big Daddy's chair because he's, um... There's no easy way to say this, he's drying out. That's not true. He's having some lovely family time with Baby Buzz and Kathy, and we miss him madly. But the very heartening news is we've got one of our greatest hits

in the studio this morning, the cockerel, haven't we? We also have the cockerel. He is one of our greatest hits. Ouchie. I've already alienated everyone in the room. Gareth Richards is with us. Good morning. Good morning.

Hi there. Okay, that's all we've got time for. And the cockerel, as ever, will be here. Making sure... There you go. Making sure the show has a sort of a droll, really dreary-sounding voice to it. I like to think you ensure that we don't get too caught up

in our fancy London ways. Yeah, well, that's fairly likely, isn't it? OK, you can text us on 81215. too caught up in our fancy London ways. Yeah, well that's fairly likely, isn't it? Okay. You can text us on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or you can follow my Twitter account. It's time I got some action. By the way, it's some at Divine underscore Miss. I'm doing

my Twitter name. At Divine underscore Miss underscore M. Nice and unwieldy, that one. And I'm at Gareth Richards. I didn't say that you could do that. If we're doing two per time, you get none. It's not Mike Yarwood. You can't just suddenly say, I'm Gareth Richards.

Or you can email us if you're from 1998. So we need to talk, with all that business out the way with, about our little trip up to Birmingham, don't we, Cockrell? Well, for you it was a trip up to talk, with all that business out the way with, about our little trip up to Birmingham, don't we, Cockrell? Well, for you it was a trip up to Birmingham, but I already live in the north, so it was a trip sideways for me, I suppose, in many regards. But you found it difficult, did you not? What do you mean? Which aspect of it?

Well, I... Well, when we first went to Birmingham as a radio show, I think you screamed all the way. Can I just say, I love Birmingham's, and I love Birmingham. It's my spirit city. But I found my own way to the event in question. We should say that we went to...

We saw Frank being inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame. We should say, Big Daddy had a very big moment, didn't he, this week? The radio family all went up to Birmingham, Gareth. Not that you're not part of the family. No. But you're like one of those slightly mad aunts that we haven't seen for 15 years. You flew the coop, didn't you?

I'm a foster child who was sent back. Right, yeah, yeah. He's like one of those aunts that whenever your name is mentioned, everyone says, it's a shame. Yeah. It's not true. We love you. You're one of our own.

But I wasn't invited. No, you weren't. But Frank was. What was he given? What was the award? He was inducted into the Hall of Fame, the Radio Hall of Fame. Wow.

It's quite something. That's big news. It's such big news that I'm going to do this. Yeah. Does it just rumble? How does it keep going on? No, that's my stomach. I'm in fashion.

Excellent. So, he got inducted, didn't he, Al? He did, and we went to watch. And I travelled alone and found my own way to the venue, which I found myself idly boasting to Charlie when we were on our way to sit at the table and i we'd been given charlie works on our show by the way charlie was there also she's here today and uh and we've been given little cards saying that we were at table 10. as

soon as we walked into the room i made a beeline for table 10. yes and i said it's over there and she went oh you saw that quick and i said i know this sounds like I'm boasting, but I'm very good at reading signage. Oh. I just scanned the room and straight away saw which was table 10. Do you know, I love it when you use those lines on the ladies. But do you know what? I think it's from staying in hotels a lot and from driving a lot. I'm good at reading signage.

I'm really good at it. I think that is one of your skills. And I found my way to the venue all by myself. I broke into song all by myself. And then you guys, who had the might of a television production team at your disposal. You say, I found my way to the venue. I got a very plaintive message from you saying, Oh, I'm on my own. I don't know anyone here.

I'm standing here. I'm very independent, so I'll be okay on my own. But if anyone is okay, is around, if you could let me know. Thank you, bye. Very independent, I'm not frightened. He sounded so frightened. Here's what happened, Gareth. I thought, oh. Don't get aggressive. Don't get aggressive on Gareth. Because he's not all there.

I'd been sent an email saying- Oh, don't do it, really? I'd been sent an email saying we're all meeting at 12.15. I rock up at, like, 12.40, and there's nobody texting or phoning me saying, where are you? And it turned out I'd got there even before them. So I was thinking, hang on, I'm meant to be arriving late

and there being a fuss, and actually I'm arriving early and there's nobody here to say, Alan, hello, come and talk to us. So I did a plaintive phone call, you're right. You did. And my heart goes out to you, but you know what? Move on. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, anyway, there we were in Birmingham. You were saying earlier, Cockrell, that you're very good at reading signage. Yes, I stand by that. OK. Which is how you managed to establish... You managed to find the venue. It's how I found the Vox Centre, by following all the signs that said the Vox Centre and had a little iris.

Yes. It's a system I've adopted years ago. So, the Radio Hall of Fame, is it an actual hall? I don't think so. It seemed to be just a sort of an ethereal thing on the day. There wasn't a hall that they went in.

Would you like to know the other inductees? On the day, there was Victoria Derbyshire who was looking very glamorous. I thought I'd be the only woman in a dress but sadly mistaken. She looked way too hot for my liking. And there was... Quite a thick dress she was wearing.

A wool one. She looked very hot. She looked very hot. And there was also, is it Nihal, who is on Radio 1? Oh, yes, I've heard of him. Oh. He spoke well. He spoke well.

And there was Pete Tong, who couldn't make it. Pete Tong, wow, legend. Apparently something went, I'm going to use the word awry with the arrangements, his travel arrangements. If only there was a way of describing that. So he wasn't there. But you know what I had, Al? Oh. You had your card saying table 10.

Yeah. I got a special card and it said special dietary requirements you know which is people that have allergies no food needed was it yeah don't bother i just never just said she's in fashion um no can i tell you what it says no chives what it's been sent in advance yes no you no chives what it had been sent in advance yes no can i i would like to thank thanks frank got to do his thanks on the evening i would like to thank daisy our producer regular producer i'd like to thank you charlie i'd like to thank everyone who contributed to that rider because things would have got ugly it said no chives and i was sitting next to adrian chiles and i was worried it looked like no chiles so don't sit him anywhere near me.

Adrian, we should say, presented the award to Frank. He did. And he did a lovely speech, very emotional, very from the heart. But he was getting a bit stressed beforehand because he sat next to me and he said, I haven't prepared anything. All these people have got long speeches. I said, well, what did you think was going to happen?

You were just going to hand it over like you were taking out the rubbish or something so he got very stressed so he started writing one at the table right and then he was writing and he got very angry because the pen was red which was the most brilliantly birmingham diva moment when it's red i can't use it and he threw it red's the perfect pen for an angry letter. No, he can only write in blue. Oh, is that right? So that's a fact. That's a bit childish, if you ask me.

Oh, very good. He did a pun, everyone, just in case you didn't realise. So did you enjoy the day, Al? I did enjoy the day, yeah. I felt a bit bad because I never really got to say cheerio to you all because you all sort of walked off. I think Frank was getting a car, and you were getting a train back to London, but all of you.

And I was getting a train back to Stockport, where I had parked for £14 for 24 hours. Can I just say, your daddy was inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame, and all you've talked about is signage and parking. You're suggesting I should invoice him? I mean, I've kept the receipt, but I was just going to put it through my own. I thought it was tax

deductible because it's business, but I think I didn't go there for fun, did I? Well, I did. I mean, I had fun, but, you know. I did. I think it's still professional engagement, isn't it? There were some good moments as well. I liked it when one of the elderly Birmingham DJs, whose name escapes me, is it Tony Butler? Yes, that sounds right. Frank will kill me if I get this wrong. I liked it when one of the elderly Birmingham DJs, whose name escapes me, is it Tony Butler?

Yes, that sounds right. Frank will kill me if I get this wrong. I liked him. But I think he did say at one point, excuse my language, ladies. He did. He did. Even though there were children in the room, he prioritised the ladies to worry about. Frank Swall. He did a bit of blue material.

Legend. Legend was not a word that was underused that day, let me say. If you go to the inducting of people into the Hall of Fame, the word legend is going to get thrown about. I imagine it was used like a title for everyone on the wall. Arguably somewhat devalued by the end of the day, I think. I loved the entire day, but I've just got one gripe. Oh, yeah? The framing was a bit cheap.

Oh, on the thing? Yeah, on the thank God little poster thing saying, congratulations, you've been inducted. Poster thing? Makes it sound like it's with Blu-Tack on his wall. One of the ones from Bross. It's almost as if I'm... A little poster thing.

It's a flyer. Like a rich... A framed flyer. It did look a bit like that. What was it? Yeah, it was sort of a certificate, I think. It was a bit 50 metres. Mm-hmm. OK.

But you know what... Which, ironically, Frank hasn't got. Don't say this. Are you out of your mind? Are you nuts? No, it was lovely. And it was a very nice day. And the thing that i enjoyed

also was when we were all asked to uh give a toast to radio i think oh yeah radio to radio the thing i enjoyed most was eating my dinner and then daisy's that's a real boom if i get two main courses i'm what was it what was the beef. Okay, so we've all established that we ate beef. Thanks for that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what we need to talk about is Kanye. Oh, yes.

Big news this week. Yes. Well, we already knew that he's got a new baby. Yes. But the big news is that the baby is not going to have a middle name yeah they've been reporting that like the baby's not going to have a middle name massively overlooking the fact that its first name is saint saint west good luck yeah but they should call it greavesy as a middle name because if you're gonna have saint have the greavesy in there. It'd be a very niche bit of comedy for Kanye

to suddenly start doing Saint and Greavesy references. Just really into them on YouTube. Was he named after Saint and Greavesy? I don't think so. I think Kanye might just like the word Saint, but it does feel a bit like a pressure, doesn't it? Yes, self-canonisation. Totally.

I worry that he doesn't realize that saint is a title and thinks well if you look at history all the great people their first names were all saints nominative determinism that's what he's thinking yeah yeah i like that you worry for him i do worry you worry he hasn't thought it through he could have he should have gone doctor maybe because i feel like people think he's a bit arrogant, and I don't think that's going to help. I think he helps himself sometimes. Sometimes he's his own worst enemy.

You're right. I hope he listens. OK, Kanye, you've got a chance here to show everyone that you're a bit more down-to-earth than everyone thought, and then... And then you go and spoil it all with saints. Yeah. What would you have gone for?

North. He's done that. No, he's done that. I know, he's already done that, yeah. He's done that already. Which I think, as I said at the time, I think might have brought its own problems because when they're trying to chase...

When they're trying to tell the child off, come here, North West. She's going to have to get out a compass and look and go, oh, hang on. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Difficult.

I think, yeah, I just... I'll tell you what I was most concerned about was actually not the name, but him in the delivery room. Because he does like a leather shirt. And he must have been schvitzing. I mean, the hygiene would have been poor. Oh, I see. Sweating.

Yeah, I was worried. Because he did come up with the idea for leather jogging bottoms before anyone else. He never. That's a great idea. He came up with leather jogging bottoms. That was one of the things on the Zane Lowe interview that he said he came up with the idea for leather jogging bottoms. That was one of the things on the Zane Lowe interview.

You're down with the kids. I do. I know all about that. I'm a big Kanye fan. Are you? Despite everything he says literally everything like the music but when it's put to music it's all all right is it there's some yeah no it's i do i like the music right also i think you know he if if um liam gallagher was arrogant and said lots of ridiculous things. Everyone thought it was cool and rock and roll, but somehow Kanye West's not allowed to do it.

Oh, I like it when you get... Yeah, I love that. I love that. Yeah, he's on fire this morning. On the other hand, he said some insane things in there. The other thing that came out this week is the Oxford speech. He did a speech at Oxford University.

Yeah, in March, yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah, but has it only just come out online? It's only just come out online and you say Adrian Charles not planning to say anything. Well, can we just say Connie did not have any notes.

You know the problem? He had a red pen. He didn't have the Charles blue, as I call it. Can I just say, anyone who's ever going to work with Adrian Child's, please make sure you have a blue pen. Because trust me, things will get ugly if you have a red pen. He won't like it. Yes, it was an extraordinary speech.

Yes, freewheeling. Wide-ranging. By the way, we're talking about Kanye, not Adrian's speech. Nor Frank's, both of which were beautiful speeches uh yes he told everyone to be quiet he demanded silence because he said he can literally hear a whisper and it will throw off his stream of consciousness and that when he's in his stream of consciousness and this is a quote um says, that is when I give the best illest quotes. Illest means good. Thanks for that translation.

Unless you're a UK doctor, of course. Illest does not mean good. I'm going to demand silence now because I'm about to play a song, but we will come back to this. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. back to this frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio we're talking about kanye this morning on absolute radio i should say frank's not here and uh we miss him very much

that sounds that sounds like something terrible's happened it hasn't at all as far as we know nothing bad has happened happened. As far as we know, nothing bad has happened. I like as far as we know. He's spending a lovely day with his family, as all ex-EastEnders actors are fond of saying. What were you going to say, Al? I was just perusing the transcript of Kanye's, I'm going to say, monologue to the Oxford Union.

By the way, what kind of university standard is Oxford University? Because the people that speak in their student union are a real motley crew, I'm going to say. Yes. And it makes me think that there might be... Motley crew, they've spoken. Motley crew, yeah, they were, I think, fifth in the line-up of speakers

in the student union. They were after Isaiah Berlin. Google it. It does make me think that there might be better educations on offer elsewhere at less banner headline universities. Well, is it because they're saying... I love that description. Instead of Ivy League, banner headline university. Are you one of the banner headline group? Yeah. It's not all Oxbridge.

I mean, Kanye West spoke there. I feel like perhaps I did fine by going to the Welsh College of Music and Drama. Is that where you went? Yes, dear. Oh, that's lovely. I should have said you. Sorry. Is it because, though, they're saying that we have such great lecturers and stuff anyway,

they need other input? Yeah, we can afford to just waste an hour of our lives listening to Kanye drivel on about whatever shirt he's got on. Yes. So, I mean, there's a lot of highlights. I like that little encounter between you two. I felt like I was on Radio 4. That was our education slot this morning on Absolute Radio.

Sorry, what were you going to say, Gareth? There's a lot of highlights in the speech. There is a lot to pick apart. Oh, thank you very much. There is a lot to pick apart in here. He talked, so he said, firstly, he demanded silence. He said literally a whisper can throw it off. I'll be honest, I get a jealousy of anybody that asks an audience for silence successfully.

Yes. Because. I'm not sure it's a good idea though, is it? In my career thus far, asking an audience to be quiet has been like waving a red flag to a bull for inane chatter. Yeah. has been like waving a red flag to a bull for inane chatter. I mean, I can turn a room of 400 medium-behaved punters into a chattering swirl by saying, could you all be quiet, please, and listen to my jokes? I mean, the idea of doing that is...

I love that tour. It was called, can you all be quiet, please, and listen to my jokes? Yeah, yeah. My next tour's going to be called, Can You All Be Quiet, Please and Listen to My Jokes? My next tour's going to be called, No, No, You'll Like This One. No, the next tour's going to be called, Can You Not Be Quiet, Please, this time whilst you listen to my jokes. I've only seen it work successfully, I did a very, very

boisterous late show at the Manchester Comedy Store. This show began at midnight and people were full of drink and full of lip, I think it's fair to say. No disrespect to Manchester Comedy Store. This show began at midnight and people were full of drink and full of lip, I think it's fair to say. No disrespect to the Manchester community. But they were lippy. They were heckling the whole show.

I was hosting it. I was not immune. And an excellent comic called Rhys Darby, who's a Kiwi guy who's in Flight of the Conchords and stuff, he does funny voices and sound effects. It sounds rubbish, but it's brilliant. And they started shouting at him in the late show, and he went, no, no, you can't do that to me.

What I do is more like theatre. And so, of course... He paid the theatre card. In the dressing room, we're all turning the telly up, going, oh, he's going to die terribly now. He's going to get booed off. And they bought it. They all went.

Wow. Oh, they enjoyed it, did they? And they stopped and listened to it. And he is great. So once they started listening and enjoying it. Well, maybe Kanye's no fool then. But here's the thing. I went back on as compere after East Arby.

And they started shouting at me again. And I went, no, no, no, no. I do theatre as well now. No. Thinking it would get a big laugh. So that's not going to work for you, I can tell you now. Nothing. No.

Absolute chatter began again. Well, you don't do theatre. I know you went So that's not going to work for you, I can tell you now. Nothing. No. Absolute chatter began again. Well, you don't do theatre. I know you went to the Welsh College. Yeah, but I don't do it on stage. You don't actually do theatre. But I would say, you know, I've never managed to successfully ask an audience to be quiet. I've got a line about it that I try, which doesn't work, but I like it,

which is, I like people in my gigs to be quiet in the same way they, for the same reason they make people be quiet in libraries, because it will distract the people trying to read. Oh, that's a good joke, darling. When it's rowdy, it never really goes down that well. I quite liked it. I like it.

I keep trying it. Does everyone else like that? How do we feel? Yeah, good? Kanye demands silence, because even a whisper will throw him off yes that's what he says and you might not get the illest quotes no he's off his stream of consciousness and you want to get the illest quotes don't you yeah well he was in the middle of doing his life to be nearly dead oh kanye what's it like to be inside the mind of Kanye? Twisted Dark Nightmare.

Well, I've got about four pages worth of it. I didn't see that Batman film, actually. Was it any good? I think that's one of his album titles, just to put that into context. Yeah, he also said if he was an artist, he'd like to be like Picasso or greater. That's a bit hard on Picasso, isn't it?

You've got to have goals. I hate goal setters. I hate people that are like, oh, these are my goals for this year. I'm going to climb the Himalayas. I'm going to be better than Picasso. Well, he likes goals. That's why he named the child Saint and Greavesy.

Is it Greavesy? That's what I'm going to call the child now when I meet it. And I will meet it. You mark my words. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. You know, we were just sitting here and sometimes we idly chat

while the songs are on and Gareth just said, I mean, who becomes a radio DJ? I mean, you're in a radio studio with people that work in the industry. Right. What is extraordinary? You know, I'm sometimes not the best networker.

It's worked out all right today, though. Yeah. Look at you. You're sort of the Donald Trump of networking. That's a good thing. we've had a text Emily I don't want to change the subject I'll account for my sins but the text

from 671 with slight smugness but primarily fondness don't mean to be a pedant just following in the footsteps of our Frank Yeezy's album is not beautiful in quotation marks, don't mean to be a pedant, just following in the footsteps of our Frank. Yes. Yeezy's album is not Beautiful Night.

This is good radio. Sorry, whatever I said. I said it wrong, basically. The actual album is called My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. In case you're not familiar with Gareth, sometimes when he reads the text, he takes a slightly more scenic route. Right, these texts, they've got a new text programme, and it's all higgledy-piggledy.

They are garbled. It turns things all backwards, and there's all weird things halfway through, so I'm making sense of it, and it doesn't make any sense on the thing. I'll be honest, I did warn you about... What has this place absolutely gone to the dogs? I did warn you about reading the long ones, but I suspect because it was about you, you couldn't help it. Yes.

I don't know what you're turning on me as well. It's like rats leaving a sinking ship. Let's distance ourselves from Gareth. Well, why would anyone want to work in radio? This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio Oh guess what we haven't set up a text in this morning Luckily for me there might not be a lot of that on the horizon Frank's gonna go absolutely mad with me because I haven't set a text in, we've got to go have we got the news soon, it's all gone chaotic

what, we need to do something Well Kanye was distracted by people whispering. I think we should do noises that we hate. Yes, I like that. That's good for me. OK. Don't text in Gareth.

What noises do you hate? Emery boards. I can't bear people doing that nail thing. Are they named after Dick Emery? Is that a... No. Oh, do you not like it? I've done that before.

Oh, my God. Emery boarding was a form of torture. Yeah, it's a form of torture for me. It really is. I've moved train carriages because somebody's been doing that. Yes. Oh, it's awful. Do you not like that?

Awful. Awful. I've got a very specific one, actually, now you mention it. I had a colleague that I worked with once, and I use the past tense advisedly, because I have quite a lot of power, and she wore bangles. Oh.

She typed on the keyboard. It hasn't changed you. Power really hasn't gone to my head. Yeah, I know. And she would bang. She would bang all the time. Oh, bangles. In fact, she bangs.

You don't like it when your workers shake their shackles. No, I really didn't like it. I recorded the noise, actually, because I thought what I could do is play it back to her as a friend. Out of concern. Anyway, please text us in on 8-12-15 if there are any noises that annoy you, and can you please not include

the sound of our voices in that? That would be great. orcs absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio this is emily dean this is the frank skinner show and he's not here this morning i don't know what he's doing what do you think he's doing watching cash in the attic i don't know if that's on on saturday i don't think it is no i think What do you think he's doing, watching Cash in the Attic? I don't know if that's on on Saturdays. I don't think it is, no. I think it would be more like Saturday cooking programmes. Anyway. Anyway.

Yeah, he'd probably watch a cooking show. Yeah, no. OK, thanks for that. Text the show on 81215, or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. And we've got the Cockerel this morning, and we've got Gareth Richards in the studio as well.

Morning. We've got an impromptu text in that we began we were talking about kanye west who uh didn't like the sound of whispering he needs complete silence to deliver his illest quotes well that's what um i gave him just now about 20 seconds ago i hated that silence you remember how frank hated that ballet link that he didn't know was it ballet yeah he says he still goes on about it link that he did? No, was it ballet? Yeah, the ballet link. He still goes on about it, Gareth. He did a link recently, and he immediately afterwards decided to review it and deconstruct it and say it was the worst piece of radio he'd ever done.

That, I think it was about three seconds of silence after I just re-intro'd the top of the hour, as we call it. It's making me feel nauseous, is what Alan would say. Water under the bridge, Em. No, not for me. Let me unpick that for you. We've been inundated with people telling us what sounds they don't like. Oh, okay. So we've created a

veritable wave of them. And I mentioned that I don't like Emery boards when people do their nails. And Ian Angel, who's a regular texter to the show, often with a pun, has said, Alan, how about when Emily does her nails and ian angel who's a regular texter to the show often with a pun has said alan how about when emily does her nails emery dean that's fine work angle love it um we've also had people who have said they uh ollie has said i can't stand the sound of open mouth chewing that slightly tacky wet sound makes me want to throw things i don't like that and that

was from ollie but also ellie has said chamming when people chew food loudly with their mouth open while breathing heavily hideous i didn't know that had a name what's chamming i don't like chamming she's just she's told us no but no but what when what i mean by what's chamming is what sort of a word is that yeah it's uh i agree i'm with you both ollie and ellie i think people tune with their mouth open is disgusting and i frequently have a rant about it we've had some tweets yes we have um damien hart um said um he doesn't like the sound of children he sounds nice that's that's much more our show isn't it made him a terrible teacher but there you are dj

he agrees he says other people i like him and occasionally my own okay other people's kids yes opk they call it oh did they i've never heard that before that's because i've just made it up oh oh i thought that was a thing like promo or it is now darling that's good um russ milson um doesn't like whistling okay makes me want to hurt people physically yes i don't like whistle i tell you what i really hate is when i'm in a cab yeah it happens licensed can i just say always licensed when they start tapping to the tune on the steering wheel. I can't bear that. So it's like, little bear, little... Oh, I don't like that. They bang like that.

Actually, Charlie was just... I've got to out you, Charlie. She was just singing along to Sweet Harmony earlier and it made me feel sick. She did a slight harmony when she did the Sweet Harmony bit. Please don't do that again. I occasionally, and I think this might make me what they call a basic bloke. Yes. I

occasionally permit myself a wedding ring tapped on the gear stick. You don't. I do, yeah, yeah, whilst driving I'll just give it a little tap, tap, tap. That's grotesque. Utterly grotesque. I can't bear it. I really can't bear it.

Ting 72, and this may be a way people deal with all of these things. Ting 72. Oh, OK. I thought you were getting a lift. It's his Twitter handle. He says he doesn't like people tutting, especially when watching films. Yes, I don't like that.

I agree with that. I think tutting is one of the worst things you can do to somebody. I don't agree with that. I've got to be honest. I think it's horrible. Yeah. Just tell me. 267 has texted,

the sound of someone dry sharpening a knife, but obviously you can't say anything because they have a knife. It's quite a specialist. Isn't it? I tell you another thing I don't like is men with clicky shoes. Oh, yeah. Dog on lino, no thanks thanks No, they need to get trainers Get a rubber sole

Or a trainer You wouldn't like Simon Hampson, he says the clicking in his right knee While cycling He hasn't got clicky shoes, he's got clicky limbs Well, I wouldn't like Simon Hampson But that's not the real reason as we know Because he's a cyclist No, I don't know, I was trying to imply I had some sort of sort of past Clearly I don't, he Hampson, but that's not the real reason, as we know. Because he's a cyclist. No, I don't know.

I was trying to imply I had some sort of sort of past. Clearly I don't. He's obviously a very nice man. Probably married. Musical person, it says in his biog. Okay. So, yeah, if you have any other... He's from the North West.

What, sorry? He's from the North West? Where's that? It's Kanye's daughter. Kanye's cousin, yeah. Just to return to Kanye, by the way, he was talking about his team, and I loved this. He said, by the way, I don't know the days of the week,

I just go to exactly when my appointment is. We just look at each other and say, it's still February. I mean, that is a dude, isn't it? He is a cool guy. It was good. When he came on, there was a big black table at the front and he just sort of nodded at it and this big guy in black came on and just lifted it up and took it away really yeah he had people the feng shui feng shui wasn't right for him i like not knowing the

days of the week though i mean it must be a bit confusing though does he go out on a sort of saturday on a saturday night at midnight and say, well, the shop's closed? Yeah, why can't I get breakfast? I have to admit, I do that a little bit. I don't know the days of the week sometimes. Brilliant. I'm a busy woman. I forget.

I'm sorry. Well, I'll tell you when it's Saturday morning from now on. That's absolutely disgusting. It sounded so sleazy. Saturday morning! Oh, God. It sounded so sleazy. Saturday morning! Oh, God. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Can I just say, there were some moments of Kanye's speech that I've been reading the transcript of. Oh, yes. Like an Uber fan. Learning a lot. I'm learning a lot changing your worldview i actually ever say you're an uber fan because a lot of black cab drivers listen to this and they don't like it i'm not an uber fan okay um but i uh i didn't think i had that much common ground with kanye

but there is a moment in it where he uh he talks about um people being happy yes and uh and they were fighting for a level of happiness every day and And then he goes on to say that in America, that people are trying to buy that happiness, they're trying to buy hope. He goes, especially in America, like in America, people really do wear $3,000 shirts, for real. Here and in Stockholm, people will be like, oh, dude, that's a $3,000 shirt.

Stockholm. And then he says... He says, here and in Stockholm. Fashion capital of the world. But my favourite bit is, I mean, I've heard of humble bragging, but he seems to have just dropped the humble part. He goes, I'm assuming I'm probably wearing a $2,000 shirt, but I got it for free from the designer, so...

Imagine saying that. I mean, that is awesome, isn't it? What sort of a monster would say that? I haven't paid for a thing I've got on today. You say monster, I say legend. I would do that. If we were wearing $2,000 shirts that we hadn't paid for, we would've got on today. You say monster, I say legend. I would do that. If we were wearing $2,000 shirts that we hadn't paid for, we would tell everyone, wouldn't we, Alan?

Yeah, do you think essentially he's just doing... Well, I'd certainly notice, frankly, because there'd be quite a marked difference between how you look this morning, both of you. Do you think essentially he's just doing a version of what most people do when they've got a bargain on? Yeah. And they're like, yeah, this shirt was meant to be 90

and I got it for 40. He's doing what... He's doing what john barrowman once did to me which uh from kanye to barrowman it's john barrowman it's gonna be clean isn't it i doubt that okay that might be think that yeah no he pointed at every single item he was wearing and he said tk max tk max 30 bucks tk max 40 bucks love it it was incredible i mean by the by the time he'd got to his to the crown of his head i'd say he'd still only spent about £142. He was wearing a crown. Where did he get the crown from? You know what TK Maxx is like. I love their crowns. You have to rummage.

You see the discount. It's almost like he's flamboyant or something. I got my tiara from there. I know you were wondering. I don't think that works on you, that tiara. Anyway, yeah, he did say that he got free clothes from the designer, which, don't ever tell people about that, they will get angry.

And also, Stockholm, I don't see that as the fashion capital, really. I mean, the Swedes, I love them and all that, but it's a bit noir detective, isn't it? Maybe he was looking at the Oxford students and thinking, well, compared to you dorks, the Oxford, the stockholm people are like you know they're catwalk queens well i agree but like just in in closing probably on kanye we might bring it up again but i think to quote him we have and this is one of the illest quotes i feel in this movie we have the ability to approach our race like ants or we have the ability to approach our race like ants

or we have the ability to approach our race like crabs. And I think there's a lot to be learned from that. There's no explanation of what that means, but I think we all know. What does he mean? I've no idea. Going sideways? Is it crabs go sideways where

ants go in single file? What is it? I don't know. But that's our choice, ants or crabs. Ants or crabs, people. Ants or crabs. Text in. Are you ant or crab? Text us this morning on 812.15. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What are we doing? Well, we've got a bit of resolution. I know you said that you thought that was going to be... No, that was a sort of Alan de Botton philosophical question. Oh, that's good. I'm a big fan of his work.

I am too. All good people are. Excellent tweets. I love his tweets. I do. I don't see his tweets, but I really like his writing. I'm old school. Me too.

I'm old school like that. You're a botanist. Yes. We've had a bit of resolution on the ants crabs discussion are you team ant or team crab that's the question this morning kickstarted by Kanye West 580

has texted ants work together to resolve something if there were a load of crabs in a bucket and one tries to get out the others pull it back down oh that's that's good to know that's the thing people know about it must be about that we did not well how does that make you feel sorry the crabs pull the crabs down yeah oh whereas the ants work together i think we're ants yeah I've encountered some crabs in my time, though. Me too, but... I don't fraternise with them. Daytime radio show.

You've been at all that? I did the pincer crab pants. Yeah, Gat, when you have to explain the visual gag... Physical comedy on the radio. Yeah, it didn't work so well. But if ants are so great because they work together, they're not doing that well, are they? I love...

You're having a rat battle with ants. If ants are so great... Well, you know, they're... They're good on their own level, but... I think ants... I love you having a rat battle with ants. If ants are so great. They're good on their own level, but... I think people are winning. Not Charlie Sheen. That's Charlie Sheen of the ant community. Don't call ants losers. That's the definition of a loser.

Standing there in front of a load of ants, calling them losers. I like Dec. I think Dec's doing well as well. Oh, I think... We've got an email. Shall I read this email? We can't just go straight to an email. Are you out of your mind?

We need to do the jingle first, don't we? Oh, yeah, let's do it. OK, let me do it now. Me by gum, me by gum, me by gum, mail corner. That's Alan doing the email jingle. I love it. Wow. That was like a terrible jilted ex, wasn't it?

I haven't grown accustomed to that jingle yet. Give it time. Email number one. Dear Team Skinner, as a long-time reader of the show podcasts, I was wondering if you could clarify a few points for me. Yes. 1A. Alan's own website proclaims himself as a no-nonsense comedian.

I have no problem with that. Excellent news. He also professes to have recently joined Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio show. Please discuss. Yeah. So I think he's saying you need to update your... Yes. I think that is what he's suggesting,

but I was using the term recently compared to, say, my birth. So four years. In fairness, we haven't got time to update. Mine still says the 22-year-old is a big fan of Ocean Coliseum. Deal with it. Do you know what? I looked at Jeremy Corbyn's website recently. Oh, yeah.

And he hasn't mentioned becoming leader of the Labour Party. He's been busy, to be fair. Well, if we can forgive Corbyn we can forgive Al he's been putting out a lot of fires I think yeah there's like videos from 2011 saying Jeremy was on TV recently is that true that's brilliant so okay so that does need some updating though I was going to rip it all down just through embarrassment I have no web presence whatsoever. You don't like a web presence, do you? I have a website, but isn't that the big thing nowadays, that people don't even look at us? Do you know what, I think it shows a reassuring lack of narcissism on your part, and I respect you for that. Well, you might say that.

I think my bank manager and manager may say it shows a lack of care about career advancement. Yeah, but you'll be in a better place afterwards. We'll see. Part 1B of this email was that Alan's flyer for his recent Edinburgh show referred to him being affectionately referred to as the cockerel. Oh. Has this been cleared with the appropriate absolute authorities? Has it?

Well, I didn't... Is it the affectionate part? I think it's the affectionate part that they've got a problem with. I have been called the cockerel on this show since the first week I did. Really? When you stepped aside, somebody texted in saying,

I don't know who this cockerel fella is, but I like him. I think that was the... Oh, really? It was from a listener? We decided to make a virtue out of the insult. I'm basing the affectionate, because obviously I had copy control over my own flyer, but I put affectionately known

because the texts that I get abusing me never say, I hate you, the cockerel. They never use my nickname. Unsurprisingly, they tend to adapt my surname, Cochran, in different fashions when they're sending abusive messages. Do you think that's always the case with names? That if you're being hostile, you never use a nickname? No one ever says, I hate you, Davey boy.

I hate you, Davey boy. Exactly. Oh, I'm going to do that now. It's going to mess with their heads. And I love doing that. Yes, continue. Section two of this email, 268 has got quite a lot of sections. This feels like the Leveson Inquiry.

I think I've got time, Gare. Emily, he turns his attention to you. Oh, hang on. Is that me? Mid-time. Is that Emily? The rest of the schedule. Do you like how soon as he said that,

I actually physically adjusted my hair and it's like Barbara Windsor way. Yeah. Emily is frequently referred to as the deputy editor of In Star magazine. I was just wondering, are other glossy fashion magazines also available? Yes. I would welcome any clarification if you can bring to these issues with very kind regards, your obedient servant, 268.

Well, all I can say is yes, they are available, but they're infinitely inferior to my glossy-style Bible. Excellent. But that's enough about my glossy-style Bible. What do we do now? Do we have to play some music? OK, hang on a second, please. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, Gareth, it's lovely having you in the studio this morning.

It's lovely to be here. That sounded as natural as the Alan Titchmarsh show. Tell us what you've been up to, mate. So, I hear you. Well, I saw in the paper that Prince Harry snubbed Jack Whitehall at the Royal Variety performance. Oh, yes, I saw that as well. And I was... I don't think it was genuine, though, was it?

No, I think it was all in good fun. But I did a gig recently, which... When you do a stand-up gig in somewhere which isn't a stand-up show, it's always dangerous. Why? Because people don't know the rules of it. Oh, dear. I did a gig for...

What are the rules? I did a homeless gig for a charity, a homeless charity called Trinity. OK. And it was called The Big Sleepout, and everyone goes and sleeps in cardboard boxes... Oh, right. ..and gets sponsored for homeless people.

Do you know about that, Emily? OK, yes, I do. That sort of thing that happens. No, excuse me, I think that's that happens i know excuse me i think that's a very worthwhile cause not the answer you were expecting um there was a famous person there oh yeah um who was that hang on well can you not can you no who was it ray mears it'd be too easy for him ray mears nicky clark not nicky cl Clark. Jennifer Ellison. I think you're getting colder. Bear Grylls.

No, I know, but what about the famous person? Bear Grylls is warmer. I'm going for the Grylls. I'm going for people that are capable of sleeping outdoors. That's because he had a bear coat on. Go on. Shane Ritchie was there. Shane Ritchie was there.

Okay, but I want to carry on guessing who the famous person was. Shane Ritchie is a national treasure. No, he is. He is. I actually like Shane Ritchie. What do you think about this? I was in the, there was a backstage tent. Right.

Where there was the... Can I just say, Alan, I love it when Gareth has a celebrity anecdote. Because it... Shane Ritchie. It will tend to feature a Shane Ritchie, if you don't mind me saying. I can remember Emily always used to say,

Gareth, you're in the room with Frank Skinner. You can't tell... Not today. Aareth you're in the room with Frank Skinner You can't tell Not today Celebrity anecdote where the person in your anecdote Isn't the most famous person in the conversation I know I hear I worship him though We were backstage in the tent

Yes I don't like the way this story's going Shane Ritchie Shane Ritchie was there He did a nice bit with all the people in the boxes And then Oh there were boxes to sit in That's good I would have gone then Shane Ritchie? Shane Ritchie was there. He did a nice bit with all the people in the boxes. And then... Oh, there were boxes to sit in. That's good.

I would have gone then. I didn't talk to Shane Ritchie. Why? Not that sort of box. Well, why didn't you talk to him? Well, what am I going to say to Shane Ritchie? Should I have taken that opportunity to network with Shane Ritchie? Yeah.

Or to bump into him as a person? Well, if you were going to go up to him, let's put you in this situation. I'm Shane Ritchie or to bump into him as a person. If you were going to go up to him, let's put you in this situation. I'm Shane Ritchie. Hello Shane, you're looking well. There you go, that's it. Rehearse it. If you're approaching a celebrity for the first time, you've got to think this

through. You only get one chance to make a first impression. One shot. So I'm Shane Ritchie. I'm Spartacus. i say all right gareth mate how are you well you now seem gormless yeah you just giggle don't giggle in the end we'll leave you doing a shane ritchie impression i know he will be shane ritchie okay i think it'd be easier if you just did your voice okay um and i imagine it's shane richie it seemed like it's very okay anyway okay so oh hello no but he didn't talk to me that's not what happened okay so you're shane richie

you're in your own you don't want to talk he seemed like he didn't really want to talk to anyone okay what so what should i what should my what should i oh hello shane no no you sound a bit desperate oh oh hi shane my name is i'm gareth hi i'm on i'm on later i'm doing some comedy on later Oh, hello, Shane. No, no, you sound a bit desperate. Oh, hi, Shane. My name's... I'm Gareth. Hi, I'm on later. I'm doing some comedy on later. Now you sound like you're chatting them up. See, this is why I don't talk to people.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm watching something on telly. Please can people not put children in leather jackets? That's all. That's all I've got to say on the matter. It looks horrible. It's a child, not a T-bird.

Anyway, Gareth, you were saying? Fashion tips on Absolute Radio. Don't put a child in a leather jacket. So I was talking about being... So people don't know how... As a comedian, when you come off stage, you're usually used to coming off to other comedians, usually in the green room.

Discussing travel. Discussing travel. Yeah, not even watching your act. I came on the A50 and then... Is that what they do a lot? Yeah, totally. That's all the chat. I say, like, I've never been backstage. It might be different when you're there.

But the done thing is either to say nothing or people usually usually go oh well done right how do they just say well done you don't have to sound like you mean it you just have to say oh well done you know all that stuff so are comics ever are they never really effusive do they never say you were brilliant you stormed it or do they say that sometimes oh not often what can you imagine how long you've gone a bit quiet i was just in a little flashback of people adoring me it's not okay it's a nice place maybe not for you gareth but um when i come on absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio anyway so i came off stage and no one's on here i know one said any no one said anything oh no and it had gone well right it was a gig when you say no one said anything

shane richie said nothing shane richie had gone by that point he was long gone okay he didn't hang around um till then because it was quite late um and it was a tough gig because it was from an outside trailer. People were just stood there in the cold. Nice. Like just sort of huddled around a bit. So it wasn't a proper, you know, audience thing. And I turned, like people laughed and by the end they clapped loudly

and it was good by the end. But I did, as knowing what that was like, I did really well. Okay. Within context. Within the context. But probably to other people, it looked like I had a terrible time.

But I know that under those circumstances, so I came off and no one said anything. And then the guy organising the event was waiting with someone to go on stage. She was one of the sponsors from a company um who was like sponsoring the event and um he said to her like knowing i was there he said so uh what did you think of the comedian which is that i mean that is not a good thing oh the comedian how insulting and she said oh I don't think I understood it all.

Oh, that's cold. Alan, you've gone very quiet. Yeah, I think you should play something else while we discuss the comedian. How would she cope with Kanye West? That's what I want to know. I want to talk about ants and crabs. I'm going to play a song. In the meantime, I'd like to ask you, Alan, what did you think of the comedian?

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show, FYI. He's not here this morning. I'm here. My name's Emily Dean.

I've also got Gareth Richards and I've also got Alan Cochran. Yo, yo, yo. Yo, yo, yo. Oh. I'll do that too. What's up? Welcome to the 90s. You can text the show on 81215,

or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us, should you be that way inclined. We were earlier on running a text in, which is... What was it? What noise is this? Can't you bear?

I worry it was a bit Route 1. Do you think Frank won't like that? It wasn't a bit like wasps. I ate them. It's simply red. I'm not going to worry about what Frank likes. I think DJs having self-doubt is one of those sounds that people don't like. Firstly, really. Well, this show's finished then.

386, Keely in Chelmsford has texted in, I cannot stand the noise of a spoon clanging the side of a bowl when people eat cereal. I don't like that. It drives me crazy. Do you know what? I've noticed an increasing irritation from me when people's teeth hit the spoon when they're eating like yoghurt or cereal.

Oh, I don't know people that do that. I mean, who are these people that their teeth are that big they can't get them out? I mean, it's not horses, is it? They don't use spoons. You don't get that with veneers and I only have that in the fashion industry. No-one has real teeth. I've never heard the sound of real teeth on porcelain or metal. We were also discussing being snubbed, weren't we? And Jack Whitehall had a little bit of an incident with Prince Harry.

Yes, what happened there then? Well, here's what happened. Jack Whitehall told lots of jokes, I believe, at Harry's, in inverted commas, expense. I think, you know, all fun ones about him burning in the sunshine and la-la-la, his hair colour. Oh, because he's got red hair. Yeah, and his party lifestyle, I think. I didn't see any of these jokes, but apparently they went down very well. I bet Shane Ritchie would have said hello to him, I'm just saying.

I think he might have. I read Richard from Richard and Judy in the paper this morning, Richard from Richard and Judy in the paper this morning saying that Harry had jokerly snubbed him when he walked past him with his nose in the air I'm not talking to you because of the jokes you made and then he put

it was the freshest youngest feeling royal variety performance for years come back next year, Harry but not come back next year Jack who hosted it, and I think would arguably be responsible for the young, exciting energy of it.

And also, was he using freshest in the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air sense of the word? No, I think he meant, you know, it's a guy in his 20s hosted it. It's usually an ageing comic, isn't it? But isn't that a shame? Because that means that Jack whitehall has hosted the gig yeah been snubbed by prince harry and he's now being snubbed again by richard who's giving prince

harry his credit i mean there's a guy who doesn't need any extra credit he's a prince but fortunately it wasn't the express was it well isn't that where richard madeley does his column i don't know i can't remember i like madeley i've read them all i'm just saying I'm not sure how widely read it is. I like Madeley, but I've somewhat gone off him since Frank told that story about him telling him... Was this on air, by the way? Yeah. OK.

He always goes, Commander, and I can't get that out of my head now, so, you know. That's not good. You know, we were talking about noises we don't like. I will tell you this. A noise that I always always always find funny is is dry retching fake retching makes me laugh so much so thank you for that emily dean that's

pretty much made my morning i find it very funny you must like a drunk woman then yeah you're a good snubber enough about my youth i don't know anyone quite as good at snubbing as you. Really? Yeah, you're very good at it. Have you been snubbed? That's the nicest... No, I never have. It doesn't happen to me often.

No. I'm normally the snubby. You're proactive in that area. I'm the snubby, yeah. No, snubber. Oh, snubber, sorry. Oh, no, the snubby is the snubbed. Yeah.

That must be awful. What actually happens when you're snubbed? I think people just blank you. Isn't it a nose in the air, like I'm not talking to you thing? Oh, I don't like the sound of that. Well, when I was on tour with Frank, supporting Frank on tour, the most nerve-wracking part of the tour, more nervous than having to go on stage at any point,

in Warwick, I believe, we were waiting backstage and we knew that Roy Keane had come to the show. Whoa. And Frank was at university in Warwick, I believe. One of his many degrees. As Joan Bakewell said, she went, he's got more degrees than me. I said, well, he's got two and you've got one.

But anyway, that's his homecoming town. Yeah, we were waiting for roy keen and we were both i mean i'm not a huge football fan but i know enough about roy keen to be on we were both terrified yeah and um and he didn't show up he didn't come because we were both like i mean there's no way roy keen liked it but But we were both snubbed and hugely relieved at the same time. It was like... Do you know what? I like that your version of waiting for Godot

is waiting for Roy Keane. Waiting for Roy Keane. The laddie version. Name of my memoirs. I'd buy it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We're talking about being snubbed here, Absolute Radio. We're talking about being snubbed here on Absolute Radio this morning. You can text us on 81215. Maybe you've been snubbed.

I was snubbed by a child once. I think this was a bit of a snubbing. Snubbed slash insulted. My very good friend Julian, his charming young son, he said to me, I was with my friend Polly and we were sitting there, and he said, you know Polly, you know Emily, and he looked a bit blank. He said, no, you remember them, you've definitely met them before,

don't you remember? And he looked at me and he just said, I've never even heard of them. Which I'm going to use myself. Isn't that awful? I've never even heard of them. I mean, you sort of imply you've never mentioned them, you have no affection for them at all, they have no presence in our house.

Look, I've got my fingers on the pulse around here, what's going on in society, and I know that these women have never come up in conversation in a preschool. I know. And he was implying... I like the fact that you're going to use it. It's good to take ownership of it. In fact, I entitled one of my Edinburgh shows I know. And he was implying... I like the fact that you're going to use it. It's good to take ownership of it. In fact, I entitled one of my Edinburgh shows and subsequent tours,

Alan Cochran brackets, me neither, close brackets, because years ago I had read somebody slagging me off on Twitter and they put Alan Cochran brackets, me neither, as if it was my fault that they hadn't heard of me. Like, you know, I can't really control what you've heard of, madam. And everyone's heard of... You have to hear of everything for the first time. At some point.

Yeah. A good point. Maybe it's your fault. It's a good point, yeah. Being snubbed by royalty's pretty bad. My equivalent of that is when I was snubbed by Ian Stone. Who works on this radio station. In fairness, he didn't snub me.

The comedian. Yes. I dealt with it in the only way I know, which is I discussed it here on air, live. And I'd seen him at an awards ceremony. Measured. Measured response. I'd seen him at an awards ceremony.

And I just felt, when I say snubbed, he wasn't sufficiently impressed, I felt, when he ran into me. With your presence? Yeah. He didn't say, I I felt, when he ran into me. With your presence? Yeah. He didn't say, I've never even heard of you. But he wasn't... There were no hugs.

You know, there was nothing, really. He didn't give me my propers. Yeah. So we discussed this on air. Ah. And then I got a lovely message from him saying he hadn't snubbed me. Matt Berry? What was his...

Yeah, snubbed... Sort of didn't snub Frank in the end. Frank thought... Do you know this, Gareth? No. You don't know Berrygate? It does feel like we've got a history of airing our dirty laundry in public from this. It's almost like we're really dysfunctional.

Yes, Frank thought he'd been snubbed by Matt Berry, and it turned out he wasn't. No. And Matt Berry sent a letter of apology. I'm sorry! Yeah, pretty much. That's basically what he said he's chasing after children that he was left in the charge of so he had to you know what about when bobby brown was snubbed by the dalai lama was he yeah oh that's tough isn't it he was running after him he said

mr lama mr lama oh he said i'm bobby bobby brown i think he might have even cited my prerogative at one point. He was mentioning all his hits. I don't think Dalai Lama's a big fan of 90s swing, late 80s swing. Although it's not surprising to hear that sometimes the Dalai Lama's got the hump. Do you know? That's very hot. I'm going to let you finish.

No, I'm going to let you have that. Thanks. Okay. I'm going to let you finish. I don't think anyone's ever done that. No, I'm going to let you have that. Thanks. OK.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had a text in. You know, I did my little llamas having the hump joke a minute ago. I remember that little joke. Yeah. Well, guess what? What? Turns out it was factually inaccurate.

836 has... Something felt wrong about it. I didn't want to leave you hanging, but something... Yeah, I'm fine with it. It doesn't have to be... Well, hang on, you can't say after the fact. Well, you know, it just makes sense in retrospect now. Yeah, well, 836 has very kindly...

Can someone else start a sentence? I can't even speak with the word well, because that's all we're doing now. Well... 836 has has texted llamas don't have pumps you're numpty love numpty i think somewhat proving my point i made earlier on that he hasn't put your numpty the cockerel he's you know it's it's affectionate isn't it when people call me the cockerel but you're numpty i don't think he's a big fan of uh of my work and i'm i'm

i'm sorry but it turns out llamas don't have pumps i was trying to make it it's nice to find out now though because it's the sort of thing that on the way home would be really when you can't deal with it i don't like deal with things straight away so we apologize you know all llamas listening or yeah i say laugh. I don't like that Gareth knew something was up and decided to stay silent. I didn't do it on purpose. I'm just saying that

I feel like subconsciously my reaction makes sense. Can I say that I I'm not too bruised by this because if I may say so myself I did an excellent festive joke this week because I... OK. If I may say so myself, I did an excellent... I did an excellent festive joke this week. I've got something in my throat.

How bad would it be if I cleared it on air? Go on, clear it, clear it. Let's get it out of the way. If you talk between yourselves, I'm going to go over here. No, no, I just told you that I've got a joke that I want... All right. Carry on. Is this the fast show or something?

So more sounds people hate have come in. Is that OK? Is that better? So I was in the Trafford Centre in the north-west of England. It's a major shopping centre. And I was in Marks and Spencer's with my wife. We were doing a little Christmas shopping, picking up a few bits. And we were on the escalators going up...

We've got some nice Christmas bits in there. Yeah, we were going up... I can't remember what... I think she was looking for something for, you know, someone. And we're on the escalators. I love that detail. Going up to the menswear section. And you know, as they do in a major shop, they sometimes have a sort of a Christmassy scene

where they set up the mannequins. Yes. They've all got their Christmas jumpers on. In the Christmas scene. There's some Christmas men. There was a guy in his menswear, but there was also not one and not three reindeer. Oh.

Two. Exactly. Two reindeer. Two reindeer. So as we're on the way up the stairs, before we've even seen the full scene, I say to my wife, two deer in here, innit? Two deer! Not T-double-O, T-double-U-O.

I hadn't even seen the full depiction. Like on catchphrase, I'd got it with one block removed. What sort of reception were you expecting from that? She chuckled. I then shouted it five times, hoping that somebody nearby would hear it. Oh, yeah, embarrassing. Two deer in it, and so I had to turn to her and go, tough crowd, tough crowd.

But that's an all right festive joke. So if there are any deers visiting the Trafford Centre... Pretty good. And if you see Alan is visiting the Trafford Centre... Pretty good. And if you see Alan hanging around the Trafford Centre... LAUGHTER Just, you know... On the same day... I don't like that, but then, as you know,

I'm not a fan of the pun. Really? I'll be honest. On the same day, I made a gaffe. I made a gaffe to my wife, Emily, and I think I need your opinion on this. Well, what did you do? Well, we were in the shopping centre.

Oh, good. This wasn't in the bedroom. No, no. I don't deal with those kind of gaffes. We do a thing where, when we're out and about, I like to make fun of other people's appearance. I know it's not the way that the modern world is, but, you know, guys with Christmas jumpers on, I'll go, oh, look at this.

I can relate to that. In the privacy of your own home, you're cruel. Yeah. And so if somebody comes past in a particularly outlandish outfit, like, you know, somebody that looks like they were there at the Berlin Wall being ripped down, if they've got, like, that kind of garb on, I'll nudge my wife and go,

oh, we need to phone the police, you've had some clothes stolen off the line, that sort of thing, yeah? Strong work. So I did uh to a woman that was in uh she was dressed to the nines in what i think was inappropriate garb for a day out and uh so i said to my wife oh we're gonna have to phone the police again and she said oh it was more the woman's makeup that i had caught my attention this woman had very i mean a lot a big

made-up face like a lot when you say a lot i mean a lot a-up face. Like, a lot of makeup. When you say a lot... I mean, a lot. A lot. Blue, like, reds, the whole lot. And I said to my wife, I prefer your underdone thing. Ah. Right. Which I realise now I should have said... Well, she caked in it at the time. Did you mean the natural look?

That's exactly what she said. You don't say your underdone thing. Make her sound like an old steak. Yeah, I think... I like it how you're not making an effort. That's why what she said. You don't say you're underdone thing. Make her sound like an old steak. Yeah, I think it was a gap. I like how you're not making an effort. That's why I like your... You say you don't need any make-up, darling. Let's just say it's not the last time I've heard the phrase you're underdone thing this week.

Because that has been brought up several times. Oh, that's the new catchphrase. I should have said the natural look that you go for. You should have said the natural look. Your natural glow, maybe. That would have been good. I like your natural glow. look that you go for. You should have said the natural look. Your natural glow, maybe? That would have been good. I like your natural glow. That makes you sound sweaty.

I don't like that. I'd be really upset by that. You've met Mrs Cockrell. Recently, Emily, quite a lot of people have said to me, you're looking well, and you've told me that that means fat. You're not fat. You're really not fat. Thank you.

But Laura, your wife, is very slim and that ruins my life. You're really not fat. Thank you, that's all I needed to hear. Your wife is very slim and has a lovely figure. And as we know, that can be troublesome. Contrast-wise. I think you're looking well, Gareth. I think you're both very handsome. You think I am just looking well and people don't know

it means fat. In a purely platonic way, I find you both very attractive. If I was a man, you'd find me attractive. I was a man? Alan, can I just say, though, I think I agree with you sometimes. These people have to be called out on clothes and make-up. You know, if you don't have anything nice to say about them, though, come and talk to me.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, yes, hello, hello. Hello, is anyone there? I've also got other Cochrane news. Oh, go on. I'm quite belatedly

getting into Christmas this year. As I say, I've been to the shops, but... Oh! It's not too... It hasn't happened yet. No, I know. It's not too late. But there is a bit of a problem because on the 1 of december i went and bought me and my wife and

my children an advent calendar did you and yeah they were very keen and uh so i've got them you got yourself one i got myself were they keen for you to have one they were fine with it were they rory can i give you a piece of advice don't buy one for Kanye. He doesn't like to know what date or time it is. What does he make of an advent calendar? He'll be having his in March. What are all these doors? Well, I think I might be a little Kanye in this. I got home that night

and my kids had a chocolate each out of the calendar. My wife had one and I forgot. I've done that sweet of two. Second day, I thought, I don't really fancy two chocolates. Second day, I thought, I don't really fancy two chocolates. Third day, I was ill, couldn't, definitely couldn't eat three chocolates. You're Craig David. Fourth day, fourth day, I then felt like-

This is the advent calendar remix. What's the date? It's the 12th stem. I'm going to get- How long's this going to go on for? Here's the cut of the- I'm worried about Monday, because I think that's when the bad stuff happens. Can I just tell you, we're on the 12th of December and I haven't opened my Advent calendar yet. I haven't had a single one. Because now, 12 chocolates-

You're gonna be thick. They're not nice, are they? They're not nice chocolate. It's not like good green and black's dark or anything. It's rubbish chocolate. They're a bit chocolate your nana would send you in the post. Exactly. And so it seems such an undertaking now to go, oh God, I've got to eat two weeks worth of Advent calendar chocolate. Do we need a savoury version of the Advent calendar? I was thinking that. If it was chicken wings. Oh my God, if it was chips.

Carrot Richards, you've come up with a brilliant idea. A parsnip. A drag it in. I'd have a roasted parsnip out of there. Sushi on the 14th, hello. Yeah, maybe make sushi day one. Turnips on the 21st, I? Yeah, maybe make sushi day one. Turnips on the 21st, I think so. Beef jerky. Beef jerky would be fine in there, wouldn't it? On the 23rd.

I'm loving your work. Gareth, what would you like to see in this Avery Ave calendar? Well, I said chicken wings would be good. Well, a man's got more than one idea, hasn't he? A bit perishable. Chicken wings. Oh, yeah, OK. Brussels sprout.

That would get greasy. I'd love a Brussels sprout in there. OK. Love them. Oh, this is making me salivate. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Here's the thing I meant to ask you about, Emily Dean.

Go on, Alan Cochran. I heard a snippet of a Radio 4 programme the other day about make-up advent calendars. Is that a thing? Oh, yes. I love a make-up advent calendar. I read about those in the Guardian magazine. That's nice, isn't it?

Because that sounds great, that you get a little taster. I love the way you talk to Garrett. That's nice, isn't it? Well done with your reading. I was more saying that's nice, the concept it? No, I was more... Well done with your reading. I was more saying that's nice, the concept of the make-up advent calendar. I continue with my savoury theme. Get a little lenery bald. Concealer on the 12th.

Concealer. Love it. Great. I mean, I think that should be a little later in the festive season so that, you know, on Boxing Day you can get rid of all the food badness. But if you've been having my chicken wing calendar with it you might need it by the 12th that's a good point yeah that's true good point i like the idea of a makeup advent calendar i like the idea of an advent calendar for me like beef jerky a boiled egg a tin of tuna oh can you imagine the smell of that

maybe a gum shield for the martial arts kanye in the leather shirt would be worse than that. Beard oil. Beard oil? What? It's fine for women to get concealer but I can't have beard oil. What kind of world is this? I think it's a bit strange for shaving

or for oiling your beard. Yeah, for oiling my beard. We've been talking about annoying sounds and the sound of your beard squeaking is one of them. Actually, someone's texted in

saying that their daughters don't like it when he scratches his stubble but I would suggest to that gentleman just go to full beard. It's fine. I mean, you no longer get any cuddles at all in your life ever again, but, you know, the noise doesn't annoy people. You no longer get any cuddles and you do look a bit Brian Blessed, but if you're happy with that as an aesthetic aspiration...

I'll take that, yeah. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What are we going to talk about now? Oh, the show's nearly over, is it, Charlie? Oh.

Well, I don't know if this is a joke or not. That's a shame. I've had a lovely morning. 671 has texted, there are pre-orders for a beef jerky advent calendar next year. Do you think that's a person I know who's giving me a little teaser? I'd really like a beef jerky advent calendar. Would you? I would have thought that would be...

I'll be honest, I would have thought you'd be more the make-up calendar type person. I'm a bit Kanye with shirts when it comes to make-up. Oh, yeah. I don't really pay. Get it for free. What about chutneys? Different chutney every day in an advent calendar. Oh, that would be nice.

You'd have to sort of lick it out. That's a nice idea. Why don't you go on Dragon's Den, darling? That is a lovely idea. I think this whole savoury advent calendar, we should go into, I think me and Alan should go into business. Yeah, I think you two should go into business.

I won't invest this time You're out We were going to do the legwork But we were hoping you'd pass some I'm the Deborah Meaden figure I haven't even heard our pitch Yeah let us pitch Can you imagine Gareth on Dragon's Den

That would be worth watching It would be amazing on Dragon's Den Always do I don't think you would be We watching can i be amazing on dragon's den always do i don't think you would be we've got um an annoying sound um we've been doing annoying three hours of it how anyway victoria healed healed okay yeah. She says, and I think someone said eating before, but she says, any noise associated with eating... I'm so glad you didn't say H.

Yeah. I cannot watch MasterChef due to Greg's foul chomping. Does he chomp? That's never struck me before. Can I say, excellent turn of phrase, Victoria. Foul chomping. I'm sorry, I've never really noticed he chomps. Although I have to admit, this is a bit I've never seen Star Wars,

but I don't think I've ever seen MasterChef. Oh. What happened? Well, at the moment, it's... Do they cook meals? There's normal people who have to cook things and then some people eat it. And what do the men do? Is it three men?

All right, 1940s. Surely the men aren't cooking, are they? They tasted, yes? What I mean is, what I mean is, to all the fellow feminists out there, shall I get away with that? Mm-hmm. I'm convincing. What do the men,

there are three men on it, aren't there? I, it's been a while since I've seen it, but I believe it does involve... No, on MasterChef, there's two men. There's an Australian man whose name is, and then there's Greg. Okay. On MasterChef, they're professionals.

Greg's on their... Okay. You know I'm saying okay a lot? Yes. That means wrap up. Okay. Because it's the end of the show. It's been so lovely

having my boys. It's been wonderful. Thank you Gareth. Thank you Cockrell. Frank will be back next week and we're very much looking forward to it. We'll be seeing you. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.