The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Impromptu Visit

Episode Date: October 22, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by The Cockerel and Zoe Lyons. He tells the team about an impromptu visit he made and has a bad design award. The team talk the Team GB parade bus and have news on Kumbuka plus Frank is taking applications for a new mode of transport.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily... No, I'm not with Emily Dean. I'm terribly sorry. I'm with... I feel awful now. I'm with Zoe Lyons. There I am. There I am. And Alan Cochran.

And I, of course, am Frank Skinner. I get the longest jingle. Maybe not the most appropriate, but the longest. Everybody! Oh, sorry, they've gone. Used to be the loneliest man in the world, didn't it? I like the way it fades at the end. It feels like there's a bunch of Russians going past my house at night when I'm sorry they've gone. Used to be the loneliest man in the world, didn't it? I like the way it fades at the end. It feels like there's a bunch of Russians going past my house at night when I'm in bed.

You know when you hear shouting in the night? Yeah. One of the most popular things people do, I think, is shout in the night. Oh. Just this week I've had a problem with that, anyway. Yeah. It's such a thing, isn't it? It is a thing. 5.28am, according to the hotel clock.

That's when the shouting was happening. Outside or in the hotel? Outside, yeah. Anyway, let's not get bogged down in my Wednesday. Bogged down? On a Wednesday as well. 5.28 on a Wednesday. Well, technically Thursday, I suppose, yeah.

That's going for it, isn't it? Thursday night, Thursday morning. Anyway. Anyway, to hell with that. You were going to do your housekeeping, weren't you? I was, yeah. So you can text it, isn't it? Thursday night, Thursday morning. Anyway. Anyway, to hell with that. You were going to do your housekeeping, weren't you? I was, yeah. So you can text the show on 8-12-15. Sounds like you better had.

But don't shout. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Is Twitter actually up? Hasn't it been cyber-dogged? It was. Is that what they call it? It was completely cyber dogged.

That was exciting, wasn't it? Unfortunately it has returned. No, no, I love the Twitterati, it's just not for me. As you know, I can't cope with criticism of any kind Well, yeah you've made us aware of that

What do you mean by that? That's not a criticism I'll tell you what I was on the beach At Canberra Sands Oh yeah And I felt really thirsty at Canberra Sands. Oh, yeah. And I felt really thirsty.

And I know from watching old black and white pirate films that if you drink seawater, you go mad. Yeah, you don't want that. You have to be tied to a mast. No, don't have that. And you don't want to be tied to a mast on a pirate ship

because, as ever, there are opportunists. Opportunists? That's a bad sign for this morning. I've got the first big word wrong. Opportunists, I don't mind as a word, though. Opportunists, it sounds like it could be a word. It's fine, I'd go for it.

Opportunists, if you think about it, they've took the easy way out. Yeah. Anyway, so I was really thirsty. And I saw, first of all, what I thought was a beachside cafe. And you know when you get so thirsty, you think, if I don't drink, I'm going to dehydrate and then feel poorly. Yes.

So I went over and then I realised it's obviously not a cafe. It's someone's house. But I kept going. And the door was ajar, so I just walked into their living room. Of a home? Yeah, I walked into a home. Celebrity gives you a strange confidence. Yes.

Been well documented. Yeah, exactly. It certainly has. So I went in and there's a couple sitting there having their breakfast or making their breakfast. And they said, hello. I said, hello. How are you doing? The bloke said, is it Frank? And I said, hello. How are you doing? The bloke said,

is it Frank? And I said, yeah. I said, I was on the beach and I was really thirsty. I wonder if I could, I wonder if I could get a drink of water. He said, yeah. He said, do you want some,

we're making some breakfast. Do you want some breakfast? Bacon sandwich and stuff. I said, that's very kind of you. He said, well, it's an anecdote, isn't it? So I thought, that's good because he's out-fronted the barter system here. Yeah. Is that I get food and, you know, generally nutrition, water,

and he gets a bit of a story. So I was in there about 25 minutes. You just walked into a random person's And Andy and Shona. Is this a shout out? Is this the first time you've done a shout out on the show?

Andy and Shona, thanks for the bacon sandwich. See you next time. It was actually, you know, I've used celebrity in the past to gain, what shall we call it, naughty love. But I've never used it just for, you know, a bit of friendship and a bacon sandwich before. And I think I'm of the age now where I realise celebrity is a versatile tool

it doesn't have to be for you know It literally opens doors It does. The door was open. Well it wasn't a jar but it was unlocked So you did open the door Well it was slightly

I think it was slightly a jar to let the cooking smoke. You broke into somebody's house, Frank. I didn't break in. You broke into somebody's house. I walked in. I used my celebrity skeleton key. And they, as I say, you know, that was the deal. I mean, it's a similar deal for, you know, for all those years in hotel rooms.

I think you get this. I get the anecdote. It was always the unspoken deal. But Andy up front did it, you know, bacon, anecdote, let's do it. So I think it was lovely, and I shall try it again. Beware. If I was you, anyone listening, get a chain on your door. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

door. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, that was it. Andy, it turned out, ran a printing company that printed all the forms that they use in the referendum, all the voting forms.

Ah. I say that's a nice job, Andy. That's a bit of work, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I bet he wishes there were more referenda. Referenda? Referenda I?

8, 12, 15. Referenda I like. Yeah, I think it probably is referenda, isn't it? Yeah, it's my vote. Ah, very good. Very good. Yeah, so it reminded me of the days. What we used to go, it was actually, it was a bona fide activity we did as kids.

It was called visiting. Oh, yeah. My mum would say, well, we'll do some visiting on Sunday. And nobody I knew had a phone, so you just walked to people's houses, and nobody, in those days in the West Midlands, nobody did anything or went anywhere. So they were generally in.

Yeah. So you'd just turn up impromptu. Do you imagine? I don't know how it is in the rest of the country, 8, 12, 15. What's it like in the rest of the country? What's it like from a visiting point? In London, if I turned up, occasionally I will do it,

turn up impromptu at someone's house and there's a look of terror. Yeah, yeah. It's agony. I can't remember the last time. Extremely inconvenient. Yeah. It's nice to see you,

but to be honest, at the moment, it's all like that. Yeah. I'd probably dive behind the sofa. Not if it was you, Frank, I'd let you in, give you some breakfast. No, but you don't need to let him in. He's just wandering.

He's just wandering, yeah. But, yeah, you, Frank, I'd let you in, give you some breakfast. No, but if I need to let him in, he'd just wander in. He'd just wander in, yeah. But, yeah, you're right. I can't remember the last time somebody came unexpected. I've taken the impromptu visit to a whole new level. I don't even, they don't even need to be people I know.

I'd just walk down roads going eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Yeah, but people don't like you just turning up. No. It might be different. I'd like, I honestly would like to know if it's different in other parts of the country.

I think London, people are a bit... They think anyone who knocks on their door might potentially have a chainsaw. So, you know, it's a nervous sitting. People don't answer the door sometimes in London, eh? What are we doing now, do we? We have neighbours that pop in sometimes. Do you? On our street.

They just knock on. Knock on. That's what they say in Manchester. I'll knock on. Do they? They just knock on, yeah. I remember we went to... We were walking to Aunty Ethel's once.

Long walk? My dad didn't like visiting, so it was me and my mum, I think. Right. Not a very long walk. Although I did get lost once walking back from there on my own. I was missing for four hours in darkness. That was a family story.

But we met Aunty Ethel coming the other way with her kids. She was coming to visit us. Oh. That's awkward. So we had this strange dilemma of who's which way do we go? Who goes back? Nowadays you'd just go to the nearest cafe. You'd just pop to a cafe.

We'd never go to a cafe if there was one. I'm picturing a desolate Midlands landscape, like not full of commercial eateries. There was the El Toro. It was a local cafe, but you wouldn't go to a cafe. It was not a problem that we wanted to throw

money at. No, no, no. What would you do once you'd arrived the night you visit? go to a cafe. There was Spanish cafes. It's not a problem that we wanted to throw money at. No, no, no. What would you do once you'd arrived the night you visit? Just sit. Talk, talk, mainly. The kids, you know, you get the comics out and stuff like that, but the parents would just talk. It was nice. Was it, though?

You're listening to absolute nostalgia on 8th, 12th, 15th. You see, I think it still goes on. I think there's people listening to this in Swaddling Coat in Derbyshire thinking, well, what are they talking about? That's my life.

Right? That's what they're thinking. Moved there from Yorkshire, didn't they? Yeah, they've come down from Yorkshire but they've still got friends locally. That doesn't mean they don't have friends. No, I'm not challenging any of it. No. So I think in the rest of the country, I think it probably still goes on.

Not in the big city, not in Manchester. Pop it in. Knock on. Just knock on. But I'm saying Ormskirk. Oh, yeah. Still a popular activity. At 12.15.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. We've had an email from Brett who thinks there's a possible hit show here called Trespassing with Frank Skinner. Trespassing is... I think in order to trespass, don't you have to break something?

Well, no, I think you just have to cross a boundary that isn't yours, Frank, which is essentially what you did. No, no, but when they say trespassers will be prosecuted, it's one of those things that people say, you know those facts that people know, you know them anyway, but they tell you and you, sometimes you say, I knew that, and sometimes you say, really? Depending on what mood you're in. Well, the thing that people have told me a few times is

that sign actually is incorrect. You can't prosecute trespassers. They have to break something or do some damage before they can be prosecuted. Is that right? That's what I've been told. 8-12-15. Really? I've never been told that. So clumsy trespass they can be prosecuted. Is that right? That's what I've been told. 8.12.15. Really? I've never been told that. So clumsy trespassers will be prosecuted?

Yes. Yes. Destructive trespassers. That's good. Just needs an extra word. By the way, I've been asked off-air when I went and visited Andy and Shona how long was I away from my group? I was gone about 25 minutes. Really?

And I owner how long was i away from my group i was i was gone about 25 minutes and i i knew as i walked back i walked back with a certain excitement and anticipation knowing that someone would say where have you been and then i've got so they weren't the only ones to get an anecdote not at all i got an anecdote and a bacon sandwich and some water and when i left andy said do you want a can of coke to take with you yes i will yeah you got a can kind of coat got a can out of it ah ridiculous but you know the excitement of returning to a group when something's happened knowing that you've got a story to tell oh man it's bubbling over couldn't wait and i didn't i waited till last i didn't just run in telling i've seen that in your walk. Yeah, you probably would have.

You probably would have. But I... He's got anecdote. I played it down. Played it down. Yeah. That man's got anecdote. My anecdote walk. Yeah, I could see it in his stride. Exactly. Oh, I was, you know, just running it through a few turns of phrase.

Oh, just thinking about when you've got an it through a few turns of phrase oh just thinking about when you've got an anecdote burning a hole in your pocket really it's one of the best things ever were they impressed

with your tales Frank were they they were gobsmacked by the audacity of the I was

me and David Baddiel did it once from Wembley I'd been with a footballer called Jeff Astle who was a great hero of mine as a child and we'd been to a match together and when we stepped, we had to get back to the hotel so I was all set to walk

and he said no, no, no so he waited until he saw a van that was clearly a sort of West Brom van, and then he just stepped out in front of it. And they went, whey! And we just got in. And he said, can you take us to our hotel? And they said, yeah. So they went out their way and everything and took us to the hotel. Celebrity hitchhiking.

So me and David Baddiel tried it once, coming out of Wembley. It worked. Just waved down a car That's good I think there's something lovely about it Do you know what it is? I did once end up in a stranger's house in Mumbai During a festival Do you want to tell us this?

Okay, Breakfast Radio So I remember That's nice Yeah it was, it was. It was during a big festival, and we were just walking past their house, and we got invited in. It was with two other comics,

and we ended up in their living room admiring their statue of Ganesh. Not a euphemism. OK. Yeah, and we sat down and had some snacks with them. It was very strange. But that's one of those stories that's about, you know, that people from overseas are a bit more friendly than we are, isn't it?

It's one of those stories. Yeah. I prefer a story based on the fact I'm so famous I can walk into anyone's house. I know it's less warm. I told them I was famous and they were none the wiser. Yeah? Did you do a bit of material? Did a little bit of material.

How did that go? That would have been great. If they'd have said that to me, bacon sandwich, you know, three minutes of stand-up, I'd have walked. I can't believe you. No, really, I wouldn't have coped with that. I might have done a bit of mime. But you've got to hold on to your gold.

You know what I'm talking about, Willis? Frank Skinner on the radio. So I thought about it. You know, people love an award. I don't know at all about this award and that award. I thought I might inaugurate. You might? Yeah.

A Frank Skinner award? A Frank Skinner...? A Frank Skinner sort of the opposite of a design award. You know when you come across something and you think that is such a bad design. I thought I might call them the Resign Awards.

As a message to the people who've designed it. To give up their job. And I'll tell you what, was in i was in the car um driving to um to west brom tottenham was where i was driving okay if you can drive to an event i suppose you can and it's not a geographical thing but i i had me i had a cd on the go and it suddenly struck me that the CD box, you know, the sort of see-through plastic thing,

it's the most terrible... I mean, does this sound familiar to you? This is the broken, horrible, flim... And this, when you're trying to get the CD out... That. I just won't let go. It's a very unsatisfying moment, that, isn't it? The teeth of a CD box. They do have a certain grip on them.

It doesn't let go until you break one of those teeth, and then it can't grip. Yeah. That's the problem. This has got the... Because this is a double album, it's got the central bit in the middle. What is the double album

that you're trying to impress us with here? Well, it's not about the album, it's about the CD case. I would quite like to get bogged down in the details of the album that you've brought as your usual age. The one I was actually listening to, look at the state of this box, was Maker of Demons, which is the latest audio drama from Big Finish Productions. Sylvester McCoy, Sophie Aldred. Oh, OK, we know them as a team.

It's a Doctor Who thing, isn't it? But Bonnie Langford involved. It's a Doctor Who thing, isn't it? It is a Doctor Who thing. Maker of Demons could easily be a band title for one of your free plays. It could be, but doesn't this sound... Doesn't that say flimsiness to you? It does.

Let's listen to how tightly Maker of Demons grips on to the central floret of the thing. Here we go. Oh! And I've heard some of the teeth come away with it. I don't want to be breaking things in my life. But I've already... The hinges, I mean, what kind of hinges?

There's tiny little indentations. What would you suggest then? More like a sort of old LP cardboard... Why did they even bother with the see-through plastic? The cardboard sleeve worked... It's exactly the same shape as vinyl. Why did they ever bother with the see-through

plastic? Half gateway. Everything about it is wrong. It's because somebody had invented the CD rack. Maybe. And they went, oh, we need some plastic to shove in that. But you could put them in there. I mean, when it won't let go like that and you pull it and some of the

petals come off. Yeah. Petals? Yeah. I feel like I've done something bad. It does feel like vandalism, doesn't it? It does. Like you've been too rough with a thing. And that, you know when you can't get to the CD2 can be an elusive creature.

Yeah. On the motorway, I mean, bear in mind, you know, I'm doing 19, I'm driving one-handed. Yeah, texting. You've got a lot of stuff on. No, I'm not texting, but I'm trying to open this thing, and it's that sort of taunting presence at the window, CC2, and I can't get the sort of gate open on it.

And it's there, and there's petals on my lap from the last one I took out, the hinges have come off and all I can hear is that flip rubbish just have the cardboard sleeve I mean you know we're going to get a lot of texts saying just go digital on your music but I'm

with you, I'm still old school ok but even if you go digital on your music just retrospectively it should never have happened. It's one of those things that should never have happened. I agree. The cardboard slave had already been... It was there. I agree. If the inventor is listening...

The inventor, like it's one guy, capital T, capital I, the inventor. I think it's probably one. No, do you think a team could have come up with this? I don't know. I don't's probably one. No, do you think a team could have come up with this? I don't know. I don't know what the process was. You know that bit on the edge of the case that for some reason is slightly serrated, that bit. Oh, yeah, the finger grip to open it.

Oh, that's awful. What's that for? It's not a nice noise. I would agree with that. I've got a bit of a snagged nail. Can you pass me that CD case? Oh, that's better. Or is it for, you know, so you can play along to your skiffles?

It's the whole thing. Nightmare. Frank Skinner on the radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, where real music matters. Keep it professional. You sounded really committed to that. Yeah. I think, what is real music?

Real music is music that you like, isn't it? Yeah. So my real music matters. It's slightly different too. It's slightly different from Ryland Clark Neal's Real Music. Rylan? Yeah. You know Rylan?

Yeah, I do. I've just not heard him with his full handle. Yeah, that's his full handle. I know because I introduced him wrongly the other night, which I felt terrible. I called him, I introduced him as Rylan Lee Clark. Lee Clark's a footballer. I got all mixed up.

Easy thing to do. Yeah, he took it all right. He took it all right. Well, I understand it's a terrible thing to do, but I think people don't make allowances for age. We were discussing your trespass and your just interloping into people's kitchens to be offered

a bacon sandwich which then spun on to you discussing just going visiting this is a lovely summary of well i thought you know bring them in new readers will be waking up now some people couldn't hear the show over the sound of their own vomiting joe from ch Chingford has texted, Hello all, I'm a long time reader but first time writer. I turn up unannounced at my neighbours at least once a week for an impromptu chat.

They often give me dinner and because of this I've tried many foods that I haven't eaten before, e.g. goose, rabbit, quail, etc. All at restaurant quality. Who's your neighbour quail, etc. All at restaurant quality. Who's your neighbour? Exactly, yeah.

Ken Howe. Occasionally they'll even knock and offer me a meal as one of their children haven't turned up. Fantastic and lucky for me. Joe from Chingford. That's a lot of game on that menu. It is. Next door to Balmoral or something.

Yeah. I have to say, in a list of priorities on a to-do list if one of my children didn't turn up on my to-do list going round and seeing if the neighbours wanted their meal would be quite low down I mean it would be well below

call the police walk round local waste ground beating grass with a stick. I wonder if they're close to adult children. You know, there's different ways of playing. Don't call them children, then. Once kids get a bit older, the parents just don't see them that much. They just...

It becomes laissez-faire. Yeah. The whole parenting thing. From what? From what I gathered. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in as well to sort of clarify the whole legality around trespassing. Yes, my understanding that trespassers cannot be prosecuted.

Trespassers have to break something. Well, somebody unnamed has texted and said, trespass is a civil matter. You have to prove actual loss. The Occupiers Liability Act also states you have a duty of care for anyone entering your property, legally or not. So they were obliged to give you brekkie, Frank.

I don't know if that duty of care... I mean, let's not spread the thought that you can walk into any house and demand breakfast. Although maybe if that happened, what a friendlier, more warm-hearted nation we would be. I think it would connect people. It would connect people. But it would also reduce the cachet that you get through being famous. Yes, I don't like the sounds of that.

Yeah, exactly. What was the point in all that work if everyone's getting breakfast? There's certain trimmings and extras that you don't get as a civilian interloper. I think that's fair enough. Maybe pudding would be one of my things. Demand pudding. Let's not say demand. Let's say...

Suggest. Let's say claim. Claim pudding. Demand the way one might demand a freedom pass. Let's say... Suggest. Let's say claim. Claim pudding. Yeah. Demand the way one might demand a freedom pass. You know, it's by right, but you want to be a bit polite about it. It is a freedom pass, I suppose.

What greater freedom than to walk into another person's home and be fed? What greater freedom, eh? 12.15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Zoe Lyons and Alan Cochran here today. You can text our show at 8.12.15, follow our show on at Frank on the radio,

or email our show via the Absolute Radio website. That was the sound of me handing back that information. Even though I read it out three times a week, I still can't memorise it. It's been full of sound effects, today's show, hasn't it? I like to say, anyone who missed the horrors of the CD double case, here it comes. Flimsy, flimsy.

Linking on to that... Lord Peter Flimsy, that's who designed it. 025 Amisborne has said, Frank, gently press those petals in the middle of the CD, the CD case with the tip of your finger, and the CD will simply pop out. I've tried that. Gently press the petals.

I'm going to try it again. It's fitted in. I'm going to gently press the petals. Here we go. No, you're using your thumb. That's the tip of finger. Oh, you're rubbish at this. It won't come out.

You have to do this. Look, listen. There you go. That's it. Oh, you're rubbish at this. It won't come out. You have to do... Look, listen. There you go. That's it. Oh, every time. Every time it's like teeth coming out. Well, there are teeth coming out. I'm sorry, that doesn't work.

Next. Well, we've had some other communication from the outside world. 709 has texted, I'm a delivery driver in the Birmingham and rest of the West Midlands area and no one is ever in these days that's interesting that's from Drew working in West Brom

great news for anyone who's listening from the burglary fraternity I know he says he's from West Brom but there's a touch of the Alan Bennett sadness towards the end there I do like it no one's ever in these days I said it. No one's ever in these days. It's just nice.

No one's ever, I said to Mother, no one's ever in these days. Now, it makes you think the burgling in the daytime is the, that's the way forward. That's the way to go, no longer an activity of the night. Yeah, don't wear the mask. Obviously, leave the mask off. That's going to be noticed in the street. A little tip there. It's there slightly sour note hasn't it really

the sadness of burglary is something that we don't want to let's not get into it the sadness of burglary would be a great song title I wish we'd got that to play for you we have actually had a reply to some legalese that we got a minute ago.

Oh, is it the... Trespass laws. I felt that my homespun, second-hand, this is what I was told for you about trespassing, seemed to be verified by the man who wrote in from a position of knowledge. Yeah, it seemed to be thought... You can't prosecute a trespasser unless they do damage. Yeah,

that was sort of what they were implying. Well, they said that the owner had a right of care, so if I nip across your garden, say in pursuit of a feline, and step on a hoe that then

hits me in the face, you know what they're like. A bit more of a rake, you step on a hoe that then hits me in the face, if you know what they're like. Yes. Or a bit more of a rake. You step on a rake that flies up. That I can go to you for some sort of rectory, what's the word? Indeed. We'll have to come back to the legal one,

because it's vanished off my screen. But we've also had... Oh, God, it's all gone, a hillary clinton chris chris has said thousand texts have disappeared referring to your comment about the fact that trespassers can't be prosecuted unless it's aggravated trespass i have a progressive attitude to people walking onto my land they're perfectly entitled to negotiate access with the two dobermans and a jack russell who are frequently seen exercising in the grounds and work up quite an appetite. And then he gives us a little smile, you know the... You know what I mean.

Yeah, he gives us like a... Can you do a wry smile with punctuation? He's done a grin, I think. Okay, I thought he was going to say they're welcome to come across my land and then it'd be like Jeff Goldsworthy, Landmines Incorporated. But no, it was a canine option. Apparently you're not the only one to demand snacks whilst trespassing as well, Frank. Somebody texted in saying, met a guy in Chipping Campton

who told us his neighbour never locks her doors. She got back last summer to find a bunch of Japanese tourists sitting around the kitchen table waiting to be served. Wow. Wow. Yeah. That'd be brilliant because you could imprison them and no one would have the faintest idea they were in there. Where they went.

Yeah. Well, that's next week's jingle sorted out. You could imprison them and no one would have any idea. Yeah. But that'd be amazing. You know, just round... You know, like The Road with Cormac McCarthy's The Road. They just take people into the cellar and then they...

Is it a depressing, dystopian novel? It's the most depressing novel I've ever read in my life. I still think back to some of the scenes from it and how awful it is. But nothing quite as bad as the poor Japanese tourists in the cellar for, say, 15 years, just taking photographs of brickwork. Absolutely awful. Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake.

Hold on, I'm just nipping down to the cellar. Morning, everyone. Morning, Tokyo. Morning, Tokyo. Happy to be seeing you. Happy to be seeing you. Okay, you get that down, you, I'll see you in about four hours. I found it.

I found the trespass email that I couldn't find a minute ago. Oh, good. I knew you'd be pleased. I hope it lives up to it. I don't want to give it a big build-up. It's really, really long, dusty, legal. Go on. So we had an email about trespass saying that you were right, didn't we?

Now we've got this. Dear Frank, Alan and Zoe, you do not have to commit criminal damage to be prosecuted as a trespasser. There is an offence of being found on enclosed premises under section 4 of the Vagrancy Act 1824. 1824?

That's still operational. All the prosecution have to prove is that the defendant was there for an unlawful purpose, e.g. theft, criminal damage, etc. It's worth a look at the legislation. It's full of whatever happened to language. For example, persons convicted shall be deemed a rogue and vagabond. Hope this clears it up. Praise redacted. That's from Ellen, who adds, as if we weren't already guessing,

solicitor in Wiltshire. Yeah. Well, that's very impressive, Ellen. Yeah, so it seems to directly contradict that, which I've been told. It does. Does an enclosed premise, would a fence count, or would it have to be a wall? I think fence would count,

but I think certainly the door of the house that you walk through would count. Probably. Probably it would. Making it an enclosed premises. I wonder about if I'd been charged with being a vagrant and vagabond. Marvellous. That would be excellent. I don't want it another V, you know, the rule of three.

Linking on beautifully. People trespassing where they shouldn't be this week. I don't know whether you saw the story about the two guys who pretended to be part of the Parade of Heroes in Manchester, the Olympic parade. Oh, yes, I did. They dressed up in tracksuits. They got plastic medals.

I don't know where you get those from. A plastic Olympic medal. It's got to look legit, hasn't it? They'll be on lock. Where do you get the tracksuits from? Are they readily... Can you just buy those as sort of... Somebody's keen mother will have sewn them up. No, I think you can purchase them.

From Team GB online shop. Possibly. Possibly you can get the plastic medals. You could say they've been hoisted by their own patar, or their own leotard in the case of the gymnastics team. Yes. It's quite an audacious thing, though, isn't it? The guys have apparently said that every now and again

they blag their way into something, but this was sort of a new area for them. It's brilliant. Well, you don't get that many post-Olympic celebration parades. Certainly not more than four yearly. No, exactly. There must be a term for four yearly, which doesn't have the word four in it.

There should be, shouldn't there? Annual, biannual, transannual. No. No, it doesn't work like that. Quad-rangle. Quad-rangle? Quad-anal? I don't like the sound of quad-anal. No. Quadrangle. Quad, quad, quad, quad, quad, quad, quad, quadrangle? I don't like the sound of quadrangle.

I'm not going to say that again. Good, could you make that a rule? Yeah, I'll just check the rules. I just don't like it. I like these chaps. I like them. Did you? I thought they had a bit of daring do about them.

A bit of hut spa. Bit of a laugh, wasn't it? One of them was from Tottenham. What was it? Tottenham Hut Spa. I don't think he was. No, I know you got it. I was sending it out to some of our slower readers.

Some of the more hungover listenership. Exactly. You've got to hang over. I think you need things pointing up. I like the fact that they pretended that they were from the fencing team, which is one of the... It's the perfect sport to choose

because even people that are really into fencing would not recognise the best fencers at the Olympics. Of course. Because of the mask. I mean, I think lesser imposters would have gone for a glamour sport to give themselves, yeah, yeah, I'm a whatever it is.

I don't know, high jumper. What's a glamorous sport, the Olympics? Headsathlon. Running. Sprinting. Yeah, something where they would be known, and they didn't. They went, yeah, yeah, we're fencers. Good, good stuff.

And who's going to check their right quadricep for seeing if it's massive after all that lunging? No, no, but I think that... I don't think we've ever got a fencing gold, have we, in the history of the Olympics? That's where it falls down. It really scrutinises it. Somebody with a clipboard would have gone through that.

I think even I knew that. It was a clipboard with the metal yield on it. I watched a bit of fencing, and the English guy, I can't remember his name, but he's an extreme, the best one, was this very dashing character, as you might expect from the world of fencing. Although I remember when

John Lennon was shot, I was a student at the time, and I was so upset I took the day off and decided to get very drunk, so I went to the pub at lunchtime, and there was a very strange Scotsman off and drank in there. And he said, what brings you in today? And I said, you know, one of my heroes has died.

And he said, did you know he was one of the five best fencers in Europe? John Lennon? I didn't know that. And he was on about Sir Oswald Mosley, who died the previous weekend. Who was not, funnily enough, one of my heroes. I was still drinking, mourning his death five days later, or whatever it was.

Someone now text in and say Oswald Mosley died ten years earlier, but they'd be wrong. Frank Skinner on the radio. So we were talking about pranksters, weren't we? We were. Well, we've been talking about many things, haven't we? Well, yes, we have, but I don't feel that they need a complete summary. Well, let's just

put a bow on this. Every four years is called a quadrennial period. Oh, yeah, that makes complete sense. Much better than my guess. Yeah, which we won't discuss. Yeah. Yeah.

So these guys, they were, I'm told they were internet entrepreneurs, which always Yeah. I could be anybody these days. I was saying, what does that mean? Legends. Sells them on eBay once.. I was saying, what does that mean? Legends. Sold some on eBay once. So I'm guessing, like all internet entrepreneurs, they were sitting in Starbucks on a laptop.

They've looked up, seen one of the big coins. They've looked up, you've got a football manager. They've looked up, they've gone into the area. They've seen the big coin for sale and thought, you know what? Yeah. If you put a ribbon on that. And a ribbon and, you know, a shell suit each and we're away. Yeah, I think that's what's occurred.

I mean, in Manchester, where it was, there could have just been two blokes walking past. I was thinking a shell suit and jewellery. It's like an Olympic village, the centre of Manchester. I like that the British Olympic Association said they found it, and I quote, disappointing. The whole concept of disappointment now is the most overused thing in sport.

You know, you watch the thing and somebody... In the old days, you'd have said, oh, that was a terrible, awful miss. And now they say, well, you'll be disappointed with that. But what's the Olympic Association? I mean, disappointment is about expecting something and then it not coming to fruition. So had they sat around and said,

do you think there'll be any imposters on the bottom? Oh, no. No, I think that's hot extreme. No, that won't happen. And then they said, you know, we said that thing about, it turns out the word, oh, that's hot, extreme. No, that won't happen. And then they said, you know, we said that thing about, it turns out the word, oh, that's disappointing. One of them's actually quoted as saying, we got ushered onto the bus, it was completely against our will.

Oh, yeah. Lovely, isn't it? Especially if you're dressed in a tracksuit with a medal on, then you are likely to get ushered onto a bus. I've seen the interview, though, and he's very much saying that tongue-in-cheek. He is a wind-up. Well, apparently his start-up business,

because he was saying he's an internet entrepreneur, he runs a start-up designed to stop struggling students dropping out of education. Oh. How do you do that? I don't even know what that means. Well, I mean, a lot of them, they don't like, they forgot that you have to do a bit of work

when you're a student as well as get drunken. Yeah. And put traffic cones on top of statues. Mm-hmm. So then they drop out. I think. And become professional pranksters. But how does he stop them from dropping out?

Is it the same method I use with the Japanese tourists? I hope not. No. You're still all right in there, by the way. Is everything going okay? Good morning, Tokyo. Okay, that's a punchline. It goes on a bit, I know.

I hope you should be seeing you goes on a bit, I know. It's like, I love the fact that... They're so polite, the Japanese, they're still happy to be seeing me after being in prison for almost 15 years now. Is it 15? It's getting on for several years of incarnation. Incarnation, isn't it? Incarceration. Incarceration. You've got themarnation, isn't it? Incarceration.

You've got them in milk, haven't you? Exactly. Incarceration street, that's what we call it. They laugh, I'm not sure they get it, but they're so polite. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hats off, by the way, in the interview to the imposters, the Olympics imposters, you know, these lads in Manchester. The interviewer says to them,

so what did you get your medal in, blagging? Like, he says that, he knows that they're... Oh. But he is leading with his chin there, isn't he? I mean, imagine if they were actual Olympians. Yeah, and he's just said to them, what did you get your medal in blagging? I mean, that is high stakes, I think.

What would you say was the general attitude then? Because you've got a sneaking admiration for them, it seems. I do. I don't think they caused any massive security worries. None of the Olympians were bothered by these cheeky scamps on there having a laugh. We don't know that. If I was a bronze or silver, I'd be a bit miffed that I'd felt slightly cowed in their company, only to find out it was a big coin from Starbucks. I mean, I think we all think they got the best bit. They stood on the bus and did all the waving

and had people cheering them, and they didn't do a day's training. Brilliant. I mean, that is... I don't know if that's the best bit. The leapfrog ride. I've heard about some nights in the Olympic Games. Right, you've heard about the swimmers.

That just sounds absolutely fantastic. Oh, and sleeping on those big shoulders. I mean, if I'd done it, I would have gone for a bronze medal, I think. I don't think I'd have gone gold. That seems really cheeky. Whereas if I'd have just gone a bronze... Bronze in what, though? Well, I think if you've got a bronze,

people probably wouldn't even interview you. OK. Right. So you probably... It's not high enough to get interviewed, but it's high enough that you still get

the can of paste. So I think they pitched it too high. That's the trouble with kids today. They want the lot. Go for bronze. You'd be left alone,

but still, you know, some respect, you've got a medal, but not a big enough medal that you're going to get any real attention. I think they could have done the whole event with bronze medals.

Too late now, of course. Like Icarus, they flew too near the sun. Not in Manchester. It was a while to melt those rings. It was chucking it down as well all day. There is a funny moment on the interview where he says, you've got your gold medal in blagging and they just immediately

go, yeah we're going to get off at the next stop. They say we're going to get off at the next stop like they've been caught on a train without a ticket. You need to request stopping bus. Are there actually stops on a celebration parade? On a hero's parade. Are they picking up

some athletes further along. Jess Ennis is getting on in a minute. We'll just jump off when she gets on, yeah? Yeah. So she's saying, are you going down Rosman Street? You might as well get me there. It's like a request stop.

People are getting off. They're just using it for shopping, some of the athletes. I think maybe. The feeling was that it somehow detracted from the special day. Was that? Yeah. Oh. No. Well, I mean, we are talking about it, so possibly.

Yeah, we're not. Would we be talking about just the parade in general? No. No, because the parade's too late, the Olympic thing now, you know. You've got to do it within a week. Yeah. It's quite a big delay, isn't it? It is.

Oh, the end of October, yeah. I suppose once they'd all done the urine tests, it takes a while. But I don't know. Something feels a bit wrong about it to me. I think it's... I don't know. Something feels a bit wrong about it to me. I think it's... I don't admire them. I don't like the scamming thing, generally. I don't like the way it's seen as a branch of comedy now. Oh, yeah.

Scamming. It isn't. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, we were talking about the... I remember in... Boy, it would be about in the 70s, back in Woolworths, in Oldbury, where I lived,

two blokes went in in overalls and they loaded six paraffinators onto a van and drove off. No-one questioned them because they had overalls. They made, like, three different journeys. They went out, come back in, got them. And they were thieves. They were just stealing. And it's partly just the courage of doing it,

and partly that they... Put a bloke in overalls, then, he could do almost anything and no-one would question him. They reckon nowadays one of the best ways to not be spotted is to wear high-vis, because nobody even looks at guys in high-vis. It's a bit ironic, the best way to not be spotted is to wear high-vis. Yeah, isn't it? Well, it shows how people's sights were aimed a bit lower, then,

that these blokes summoned up the courage, and instead of getting on the Olympic coach, they went and stole six-pound pennies from all of us. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Combining the trespassing and prankster subjects beautifully, Ian has texted and said, how about a bloke who looks like Frank Skinner

going around the country blagging bacon sandwiches? That will be now a thing. Yeah, what about if there was a looky-likey? Yeah. There aren't too many though. Not with the bulbous head, I think. Kath always says to me,

it's no good you wearing sunglasses. People always recognise the big head. Thank you, darling. I was talking about the prospect of going to Halloween party this year as the Frankenstein monster. And I said to the woman I was talking to

who works in the art department at Room 101 so I talked to her about, she knows about props and stuff. Yeah. I said, do you think I need one of those false head tops for the forehead? She said, no, I think it'll be all right.

Oh. Good to know. Saved me a few bob having... I'm going as the elephant man next year. Frank Skinner on the radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran. And Zoe Lyons.

Absolutely magnificent. And I am Frank Skinner. Oh, he's the loneliest man in the world. So, yes, you can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You've got a nerve saying you're the loneliest man in the world when you walk into people's kitchens and get a bacon sandwich.

Yes, I am the loneliest man in the world. Other people walk into the homes of people they know. I don't have that option. Yes, so the big story of the week, surely, is Kombuka. Yes. Is he a silverback gorilla? He's a silverback gorilla. I can identify with him in that respect.

Oh, yeah. How is your silverback? You still pushing that? It's not so much on the back. You don't get silverhead gorillas, do you? No. As bad as old gorillas. To old gorillas, the whole pelt catch up with the silver back

and then they become completely silver gorillas? I suppose they do in the end, don't they? Maybe just at the sides, like a... It'd be great if you wanted to hide one on Strictly Come Dancing. You could put it against the silver glitter curtain. Oh, yeah. It'd be a fabulous ending. Just a gorilla.

For somebody. Yeah. Release the gorillas. So Kumbuka escaped from his enclosure at London Zoo. Which we touched on last week, but now we've had a reveal, haven't we, as to what he got up to during that escape. Can I say, I know that gorilla.

You know that gorilla? I know which one he is you move in incredible circles yes you really do worked with them all no well um you have to move in incredible circles

with him otherwise he'll pin you down exactly yeah it's the only way you can escape now he's very um he's very clearly

the alpha male when you go to the gorilla enclosure. And he always looks like he's trying to remember something. He's got that. He sits with a very... Just one finger on his lips like that. Yeah, that sort of, ooh.

It starts with G. It begins with G. I think there's footage of him clicking his fingers. I had an hour this week trying to remember the word rickshaw. And he's got that. He's got that look. I always imagine that he's thinking back to the subtropical

African forest. He's got that sort of far away look. You think he might not feel at home in London? Weirdly not. It's not his natural habitat, is it? I'll tell you something, he's got a very touchable face. Kumbuka. He's got a lovely... Surely you're not allowed.

No, you're not allowed. And even if you were, I'd be loathed. Yeah, yeah. But it looks very... It looks like whatever that material is, they make sports bags out of, you know, that sort of black stuff. It's not leather, but it's a sort of... Leatherette.

Leatherette. Yeah, he's got like a black leatherette face. And you just think he'd be lovely, soft and slightly spongy to the touch. I doubt if any human being has ever pressed Gumbuka's face. Oh, I bet they did when they gave him the

tranquiliser dart. Surely they all took the chance to... Had a little prod. Oh, I suppose so. Have a little stroke. I was quite surprised to learn he's 29 stone. I thought, he really carries that well. He does, actually. It's very evenly dispersed. Yeah, no, no, no, barely.

He carries that very well. I mean, I'm no biologist, but I believe they're big boned. I think they're big boned. I imagine they're quite big boned. He's got, like, he's got shoulders, just like that swimmer from the Olympic Village. I mean, I can't believe that we've talked about him for this much time

and we've not yet mentioned that he drank five litres of undiluted blackcurrant squash. That's the bit that I cannot believe when he escaped. He drank five litres of undiluted. Undiluted! Undiluted. I pity his poor zookeeper that week, because there's going to be quite a lot of shoveling, isn't there, really? That can't go through your system. I did a TV show, and the woman said to me, the assistant floor manager said,

what would you like to drink during the show? And I said, I'll have Robinson's lemon barley water, please. And she's a young girl, and unfamiliar with the whole concept of cordial. So she just poured me a glass of it. So I'm sitting talking. I have a man-sized swig, as we used to call them, out of the undiluted, as it turned out.

Honestly, I felt my jaw begin to dislocate. I could feel it crossing the line of dislocation. So is it five litres? Five litres. And then they tranquilised him. I'd love to have seen his face, his sports bag face. I think he woke up and drank a 15-litre pond. I think he just drank it fully, so that was it.

He's fine now. What I'd like to know is, when you've sedated a 29-stone stone gorilla how do you get him back into the enclosure little um what do they call them casters oh like quite a bit of dragging what one of those trolleys that mechanics used to slide on the sofa on the little casters just don't you just get one arm you get one arm and you drag i don't't see what else. You couldn't lift him. There would have been a patch, though, where the floor would just be suddenly clean, like a metre wide, and then he'd wake up

and he'd have all the litter. I'm sure the floor is always immaculately clean. I'll tell you what they need. They need the man who last night at my gig lifted me off the stage and carried me around the room. That genuinely happens. I think we'll come back to that story. I think we can interweave that into the Kombuka tale.

We're at the London Zoo, one of my favourite places, I might say. Well, actually, we were about to be at Zoe's gig, where she was carried aloft. You were raised up. Oh, what? Raise me up. Was it one of those when it went so well, you were chaired around? Oh, I wouldn't say it went that well. Like Stanley Matthews in 1953.

It was a bizarre yet enjoyable gig, but bizarre. I was in a venue in Brixton and it was an eclectic audience, shall we say. At one point I thought, there's one of everything in this room and if this was a disaster movie, we've got the entire cast right here. Oh, it's like a murder on the Orient Express. That's a good description. For other comics, when you're telling a tale of a bad gig, you could say, it was the disaster movie audience.

One of everything we had. And one particular gentleman was a little bit inebriated, but not terribly so, but rather massive, like massive, massive. And he wasn't sure whether he was enjoying the gig while it was going on, but at the end he stood up in front of the stage and then came towards the stage and picked me up like I was a feather, Frank, like I was a feather. I mean, I'm not a slight girl, I'm not a big girl. I'm not a gorilla girl. But I'm not...

I'm not... We've got some scales here. I'm about five foot seven and about ten stone. So that's about average. He picked me up like I was a butterfly. Like I was a butterfly. In his... Off the stage.

In a warm and kind way. Yes, in a warm and kind way. And for a moment, I felt like a little princess. I have to be honest. There was a bit of me that went, oh, I'm quite enjoying this. I mean, I'm a six foot three man, I think I would have liked that. And then I thought, where's he going to take me? Where's this going to end? That was my next thought.

Where is he going? Where did he take you? He sort of presented me to the crowd and then took me to his table and so we sort of did a little lap of the room and then Did you speak to him at all? Yeah. Did you speak to him while you were in the air? Well, erm... She was saying stuff like,

can I just get my bag from backstage and then, yeah. Can you drop me at the car? Can you just move? Can you walk? No, that's my coccyx. Can you carry me back to Brighton? It'd be a more reliable service than the trains at the moment just to get somebody from the audience to just carry you back.

Well, I was once on stage, and I was doing a routine about bouncers. About, you know, this was in the days. I remember there was like, if I remember a line, I said, so they stand there in a tan leather bomber jacket and a red dickie bow, and they say you can't come in because you're not dressed properly. And they don't dress like that anymore, I realise. But then this guy got on stage stage and he was a very big, he was the doorman.

And he put his arm round me and he lifted me up. And I said, I feel like Fay Wray to the audience, who is the actress from the original King Kong movie. Oh, yeah. And they all went, whoa, because he was like, you know, because he was a big you know, because he was like, he was a big honk of a man. And I was saying he was, you know,

like a big gorilla man. And they all laughed, but they thought, I know he'll kill him. I said, don't worry, I don't think you'll get the reference. And he didn't, but he sensed,

he sensed that something was wrong but yes it's strange being picked up physically isn't it I quite enjoyed it because he was a massive man he was a man mountain when I stood beside him I was on sort of

I would say nipple level with him that's quite impressive when you're in somebody's company that's that big. Yes. I thought, I can see why these are so popular. Yeah. Big men. They have got a history of popularity, big men.

That's what I would have done if I'd have been at the zoo when they sedated Kombuka. I would have got the old video, the phone video, and I'd have stood by the sedated, and I'd have done that you know the bit from the end of King Kong when he says it wasn't the aeroplanes that killed him

it was beauty killed the beast I would have done that with him in the background and recreated that scene you in a blonde wig it wasn't fire, one of the coppers yeah, but I'd have done that, that would have been... In the background, just a fountain of purple wee going off.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were just... The Kambuka story, this is the gorilla who escaped from its enclave. There's some debate. The Spurks people from the zoo, and as I say, I am a member of the London Zoo. Are you? I am.

What do you get for that, then? Yeah, what do you get for that? It means it's cheaper. If you go there regularly... Do you get a car sticker? ...you save money. If I have, I haven't seen it. I'm not interested unless you get a car sticker.

OK. I'm sure you can get one with, like, a chimp. National Trust, you get a car sticker. Do you? Because I'm in the National Trust as well. I've never seen that car sticker. Yes, you get the little oak leaf. Oh, you need to get that.

And then you don't replace the one from the year before, and then people can see how long you've been a National Trust member for. If your back window is completely covered in different coloured oat leaves, you've been a National Trust member for a very, very long time. Or you park near a tree. How long have you been a National Trust member? I'm not a member, but... Can I say that was a good joke, Alan?

I don't think it went on air. Thanks very much. Thank you. But I plan working for the National Trust later in life. When I've stopped doing this, I'm going to get myself some brogues, a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches, and a very, very shaky, loose knowledge of history. Oh, OK. I've got all of those things. And just sit somewhere in a cold, creaky hall,

directing tourists about. That's my plan. I applied for a job at a place called Tudor House in West Bromwich. I applied for the job. It's the only job I think I've ever... I think I've applied for two jobs. I didn't even get an interview for that one. It's got a refusal.

Tudor House is, as you'd imagine, a house from the Tudor period. Is it? And I offered to be the curator. Not many people go there. You just sit there and that. You tell people about history. I thought that be the curator. Not many people go there. You just sit there and that. You tell people about history. I thought that would be lovely. They weren't interested, so I went back to the sherry.

I need to go more contemporary. I'm looking for a job at Mock Tudor House. Just a more recent history. Yes, and I can take the mickey out of them when they come in. 1930s onwards. Yeah. Now, what it said was that he... It didn't break out

there's all this story about him breaking the glass and all that it's all been made very very sensitive all that happened was a couple of doors were left open in the gorilla enclosure now I didn't hear the rest of the statement because I thought but that is quite a big story isn't it

it is the one thing you want from the man who works in the gorilla enclosure is the assurance that he will shut the doors after him. I suppose they were lucky you didn't wander in. Yeah, exactly. Helping yourself to his... If I'd have walked in and seen Kambuka, I'd have been lucky to get a bacon sandwich out of that.

I might have got a bottle of Ribena to see me on my way at the end. I'm guessing it was Ribena. Yeah, but I guess they can't say it was Ribena. I'm hoping it was Ribena. Like an alternative. I think you can... I don't know about Kambuka, but you can have a Sambuca and Blackcurrant.

You can. It was almost that, was it? There is a sort of a health drink called Kombucha, which is very close to Kombucha, isn't it? Interesting. If we did a word chart of this whole story... It's very close. Are you also familiar with the song

About the Gorilla by Jake Thackeray? No. It's very marvellous. It's about a gorilla. In this exact situation, someone leaves the door open, there's an enclosure... No.... and he escapes

and everyone runs except a high court judge and an old aged pensioner lady and the gorilla has to decide who he's going to have a physical relationship with still you'll get no spoilers on this show, you'll have to listen to it

does it mention blackcurrant squash? What did he rhyme with, blackcurrant? No, I don't think it mentions a blackcurrant. I don't think that's the general thing amongst the gorilla world. Oh, you don't think that's what that... Have you been to Gorilla World? No, I've not. It's alright. Have you been to Rainforest Cafe? They've got gorillas who

they do a sort of slow blink. You know the ventriloquist dummy slow blink? Right. They do that. They're sort of slightly blink. You know the ventriloquist dummy slow blink? Right. They do that. They're sort of slightly animatronic, turn their heads. No? Is this a real thing? Yeah.

I once went into Rainforest Cafe. I had to pick something up from there. It was when I worked in a bar in the West End, and we needed something from them. When you order a table, when you reserve a table in the rainforest cafe, they give you an animal name, what they're used to.

And there was somebody on the microphone just really drearily going, giraffe, table for four. Now ready. I just thought this sounds like the most miserable rainforest. I quite like it. You get rainstorms in there. Do you?

Yeah. Or a leak, as it's known get rainstorms in there. Do you? Yeah. Or a leak, as it's known in any other restaurant. No, actually, I mean, you get thunder and lightning and stuff, and the gorilla turns slightly to the left and then back again. It's all right, the Rainforest Cafe. I think it gets children into the idea of... Burgers. Burgers.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. gets children into the idea of... Burgers. Burgers. I think we've covered Kombuka. You think? That's been done. I'm glad he's back in the... I will say this. It said that he got into an area where there was a zookeeper who was just there. And it said, fortunately for the zookeeper,

he had a good relationship with Kumbuka. And I think, yeah, I agree with that. If a 28-stone gorilla is suddenly... 29. 29 stone. At least. Stop waiting for him in Kumbuka. It might well have gone off, yeah,

since he's had five litres of undiluted Ribena. And he ate three penguins. The biscuits. Two lion bars. Yeah. No, they've actually got bars, the lions, they hang out in. Wouldn't that be great if they put a little pub in there for him and called it the lion bar?

Yes, that would be lovely. But I do think, like, you know, that zookeeper that was there, it is a good job that he had that relationship. I bet all the rest of them are lovely to Kumbuka now. I bet they're going in just in case they're the next one that's trapped with him. I bet they're going, do you want a Ribena? Well, I think what they want to do with Kumbuka is probably shut the door. Yeah.

That's my advice. Yeah. And also... Rule one. Look, they're perhaps in there doing a bit of painting by the look of his back. Looks like he's been leaning on something that's not quite dried. But he's...

I have a soft spot for Kombuka, I must say. I'm glad to hear he's all right. Me too. I've been wandering this week. Did someone leave two doors open in your enclosure? I'm a bit of an opportunist when it comes to things like this. I'm an opportunist.

I'm an opportunist. I did say that, didn't I? An opportunist. No, I said that earlier. You said it correctly. Opportunist. I was self-shaming. That's what I was doing. Oh, you said it correctly. Opportunist. I was self-shaming. That's what I was doing. I brought shame upon myself, too.

Anyway, I... It's the 22nd of October, but it's Christmas. Did you know that Christmas is here now? Is it? It is officially, because I've been to a few department stores this week, and it's Christmas everywhere. I'm a big fan of the early celebrations. Well, I tell you, you're alone, Frank, because

the shop assistants that I saw working in the Winter Wonderland departments of the various department stores, they didn't look like they were big fans of the early Christmas. They really didn't. They looked like they were over it already. Already?

They'd jingled enough bells. I don't know what the problem is. Let's milk it. If you imagine you're stood there for two, two and a half months. Of Christmas songs. A ding-a-bell, a ding-a-bell, a ding-a-bell. A ding-a-bell.

All day, every day, come the 25th of December, you'd be converting. All day, every day, come the 25th of December, you'll be converting. Well, I mean, I'd say this to Roy Wood, be careful what you wish for. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Zoe, tell us about your life, because... Oh, it's been a bit of a dull week, Frank, to be honest with you. OK, what's your talk like now?

Drifting around department stores listening to Christmas music. Just drifting around department stores looking at really miserable elves going, oh, yeah, only two months to go, mate, only two months to go. I've had transport issues this last week. I live in Brighton, as a lot of people know. Boy, I don't know, you got carried by that bloke. I got carried by that bloke. I'm now going to utilise him as my new mode of transport.

Do you think we could get to a stage in this country where you could pay people to carry you? Yes. You could? Yes, I think we could. I think the rest of us might have that disposable income. That'd be a good job. It's going to be cheaper for us to run a car.

It's a better job than a doorman or something, isn't it? Personal carrier. Or carrying a person. If I got someone, he'd be on hold. And how often do I go anywhere where I need to be carried? Every day. Piggybacked or cradled like a small babe. No, I'd like to be held.

You know the way Frankenstein carries the girl, the Frankenstein monster carries... Yes, that's how I was lifted to be Hulk. You know the way, you see, the way Frankenstein carries the girl, the Frankenstein monster carries. Yes, that's how I was lifted up last night. Yeah, that's how I'd like to be. I'd like his forearm in the bend of my knees. Yeah. And then the other... And then you really have to let the top half of your body go and go with it.

I think the head's a problem. I might have to get something fitted onto his sleeve by way of a headrest. Like a pillow. Yeah, yeah. One of those travel pillows. I'm saying it here. I'm happy for it to be a woman if she thinks she could take me. Yeah.

I don't... She'd need to be... I mean... I'm not suggesting that you're a heavyweight, but she's... Imagine if I turned up at, say, a film premiere down the red carpet just being carried by somebody I think it could catch on

I thoroughly enjoyed my experience yesterday I think it's the way forward, it's more organic it's greener, it's friendly for the environment It's giving someone a job It's keeping them fit It's making a friend Well I don't know, I think you've got to you always have to, there's always that line of those things. It's giving somebody a job. It's keeping them fit. It's making a friend, you know.

Well, I don't know. I think you've got to, you always have to, you know, there's always that line between being the boss and you're never quite their friend.

Yeah. You'd have one quick chat when you first entered their arms, so to speak, and then you'd just switch off. Oh, well, you know,

it'd be like a car. I'd say, you know, good morning, Henry. How's it with you today? Fine. Whoop, we go. And then the paper comes up. I'm going to Cambridge today.

And you just sat there on your iPad and they're having to look at all the traffic and stuff. I might sleep on their shoulder for the first part of it. I think it would be too jiggy a journey for a good sleep, good quality sleep. Also, they'd have to stop every, like, 45 seconds to rest their arms a bit, I think. No, I'm talking about someone who can

handle it. Really strong. Really strong. Yeah. Jeff Cibs? Yeah, possibly. We don't know what state Cibs is in now at this stage of his life. France Skinner on the radio. I'm sorely tempted after the week I've had, because I've had to have my car serviced this week,

and it's always a terrifying moment in anybody's life when the car goes in. It's a bit like when a pet goes into the vet, and you're thinking, I hope it pulls through, but if there is too much work to be done, then maybe it's time. Anyway, yeah. Whenever I leave my car at the garage, they always phone me up, I'm always Mrs. Lyons when they phone up,

hello, is that Mrs. Lyons? And I never correct them, and in fact, I invent Mr. Lyons in my head, who's a man called Jeremy who works in the Woking area, doing the campus, Jeremy Lyons, and yeah, there was problems with the car, and so it's always that intake of breath,

and they go, Do you mean problems like it didn't make it won't make an MOT type problems? That sort of a level of a problem. Big check problems. Big check problems. I've actually got a big check carrying me home. He should

be here any time now. Vladimir. I've paid the same for brake discs this week that I think the new Trident is going to cost. Does that sound about right? Yeah. About six billion quid. It's the same parts, yeah.

Yeah. At least they'll be used. Because I have no clue. I'm like, six billion, that sounds about right. Is that including brake fluid or not? Give the new Trident six weeks. It'll have, like, rings from coffee cups and stuff on it. It's just there. It'll have like rings from coffee cups and stuff on it. It's just there.

It's furniture. Well, look, if anyone wants to give Zoe a car. Or a carry. Or a carry, yeah. Piggyback or princess carry. I don't care. I'm not fast. Yeah, well, I'm thinking of actually getting someone

who full-time carries me around. I think anything, you know, you're helping the people in looking for work. What about the old-fashioned sort of almost medieval one on each end with a chair in the middle? Sedan chair. Well, let's go the whole hog. What about getting two people and a stretcher? Yes. Because the stretcher, it's wasted as an emergency item.

It's a perfectly nice thing for lying around on. You can lie flat. That's almost the business class equivalent of the carry, isn't it? I could see me lying on my belly, like my feet crossed together, you know, behind me, and me reading a book. And two people carrying me. Yeah, I could see that.

And I think carrying a stretcher is not as strenuous. No, it's easy. You wouldn't have to stop for a rest. And you could have the ones that football. Well, you could have a four-by-four. You could have a four-person carry on a stretcher. I know, I don't want a four-person. An all-terrain stretcher carry.

I don't want that. Too much. The outgoings. You don't really need it in the city, do you? It's not doing that well. Now, two people. One of those football stretchers that you can use it for sledging in the winter.

Yeah. That's me. Sorted. Applications, I'll put a number on our website for the stretcher bearers. Okay. Thank you so much for listening this week. Zoe, it's always lovely to have you on the show. Thank you for having me.

Thank you very much. Obviously, it's lovely to have you as well, Alan, but I see you all the time. Fam you for having me. Thank you very much. Obviously, it's lovely to have you as well, Alan, but I see you all the time. And familiarity, as we know, breeds contempt. Not contempt, actually. Content is what it breeds in this case. I'll take that. So thanks very much for listening. And if good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again next Saturday morning. Now, get out. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM Now get out.