The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Intense Legs

Episode Date: February 21, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank, Emily and Steve Hall discuss all things Eastenders, Frank's Valentine's evening and Andy Murray's motivational tips. There is also a trip to email corner and the show's new feature 'Gift Watch'.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and... I'm going to give him a bit of a... Help? Fucking fine... Bit of an assist?

Steve Hall. Oh, I feel so loved. Steve Hall. Yes. With us this morning. I feel so loved. I feel so loved. If you'd like to text the show, you can get us on 8-12-15. If you'd like to tweet the show, you can get us on at Frank on the radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

If you want to fax us... Yeah? Oh, I don't think we've got it. What about Telex? I used to love that. Yeah, Telex. What is that? Have we got a fax machine, Daisy? No. If anyone's listening, wants to send us a fax machine.

Yeah, no, don't say that. We never beg for free stuff. I've got some lovely blotting paper. Yes, I was listening. I wouldn't say that's for you. That arrived mid-show, didn't it? So if Rymans want to deliver a fax machine as well. But I went and got a fountain pen on the strength of the blotting paper.

You did? I got the traditional cart before the horse. You did not. I did, didn't I? It's a shame to waste that blotting paper. Frank, Chris Holton has tweeted us and has filled in the blanks by saying, Morning Peter, morning Richie. Very good.

Actually, the morning Richie, I say it normally in an Australian accent, so it is Richie. So really it should be morning Peter, morning Jim. Oh, OK. Because it would be normally Peter West, the host, and Jim Laker, the other commentator. Thank heavens we've cleared that up.

People all over London were stiff with stress. Yes, I once heard a Jim Laker commentary on the cricket, and there's a dog ran onto the cricket pitch, and when people used to take dogs to it, they could just run into sports grounds. And it ran round a bit, and somebody tried to catch it, and they couldn't, and then eventually it sort of sat down, and he said, dog still

on the pitch, it's lying at a sort of deepish mid-off. Fabulous. A cricket joke for you there. I'll tell you what was in the paper today. This is a regular trope in the tabloids and on the telly. Only today did I think, oh yeah, this is a thing

isn't it? And what it is, it's a scoffle in an overseas parliament. Oh, I love that. In a Russian suit. They love it, a scoffle. We never have one here, do we? I can never remember a scoffle. And never does a good punch land.

It's always like five-year-olds fighting. Yes. Yes. The Ukrainians are the best at this obviously well this was the turks today i think oh is it turks it's nobody's business but the turks turks and cake horse but sorry turks and cake horse i believe that's an area isn't it it's an island isn't it oh is it? Cake-offs. Yeah, we've got home cake-offs. Is that where Mary Berry goes for a holiday? Great British cake-offs.

But isn't the subtext always, oh, these people from overseas, they're not, they're not like us, are they? Look at them. Look at them.

That's what, that's what, they never say that, but when they show it on the news, they might, the newscaster might as well say,

look, look at these. It's sort of vestiges of the old Pathé newscaster might as well say, look at these. It's sort of vestiges of the old Pathé newsreel. It is. They could just go, oh, bless. Yeah, exactly. But no, there is a sense of, of course, it's us, isn't it? Then there's a gap.

That's what they really say. Why do they fight so much, though? I don't think they fight that much. If you've got all the world's parliaments to choose, it's probably set up by the British press. It's a honey trap. Most of the fights in the House of Commons happen in the bars where it's not televised.

Yeah, you say that, but a lot of the fights you get on the telly and stuff from overseas parliaments are from countries that don't drink alcohol. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Or maybe that's what they do. There's always a very fat man.

There's always one very fat man with sort of white ice cream hair and a very old-fitting suit and throwing a bunch. Well, there's usually, and this adds to our view of overseas politics in general, is there's often people who don't have, like, ties on and stuff in parliament. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be a don't have, like, ties on and stuff in Parliament. It'd be a bloke with no jacket. Like, someone's driver

coming. You know, I've been outside an hour. That's quite satisfying. If you just heard, if you're watching BBC Parliament one day and you just hear Ed Balls just go, Bando! Yes. Yes. Ed Balls, I could imagine that happening. He's got so little to lose, facially.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Simon from Epping has texted us regarding fights breaking out in, or scuffles in Parliament. And he said, fights can't happen in our Parliament. Well, any more, that is. There are two red lines in the carpet. I like that he's so specific about the carpet. Yeah. On each side of the house,

in front of the benches, two sword lengths and a foot. MPs are not allowed to cross these lines during debates. That's interesting, isn't it? Well, you've got previous of that manner. You've been to that crib, haven't you? have but it suggests that that um if a fight if it got to the level where there'd be a fight people would say i don't know i would like to hit him now but it's just really insulting me but i can't go over that red light it's not how human beings work didn't michael henseltine

once pick up the um the mace and start not as in like a a spray. I find that so hot, I can't even... What? I find it very hot that he picked up the mace. Yeah. Why? I don't know, I just find it quite attractive because it's quite macho and testosterone-y. Yeah, no, he was like that though, wasn't he? Yeah, he was.

I'll tell you what I liked about Michael Heseltine, this is one for the kids, I know you're all picturing him now. He kept the long hair, didn't he? And he had that thing that blonde hair. You rarely get blonde hair in the working classes unless they've used sun in. But the posh people

have natural blonde hair. I don't know where that comes from. A lot of the posh have natural blonde hair. He still refers to them as the posh people. But he also, his eyebrows were extremely blonde. He looked like a lovely country house with thatch roof and a little bit of snow on the eaves.

That's what he looked like Heseltine. Yes, but what did Alan Clarke say about him? That he was working class because he bought his, he said, the sort of man that buys his own furniture. Wow. That was his definition of being working class. To be fair, a friend of, a woman I went out with, her family bought a castle.

Yeah. And, uh, they said, are you leaving the furniture to the people? And I said, well, where can we take it? And it was like all big, like, baronial thrones and stuff like that. So, there you go. Yes, I went out with someone whose family owned a castle. I bet her parents were thrilled. Actually, they should have been because you're a lovely man.

They claimed that the port colonist was jammed but I was never sure. Was this post your success? Yes. So it's not yet. Yes, I couldn't get into a castle in the old days. I couldn't buy my way into a castle, Steve.

Frank, we've had another text in. This is about the saints. I used to swim. They used to call me Moti. Frank. Carry on. Stop it. This is about the saints.

Oh, yeah. Frank M., an owl and unbeliever. Well, does that still stand for you? More of an agnostic. OK. Half Jewish, half Catholic, this one. Yeah. Long-time listener, second-time contactor.

Having been educated at Catholic convent school for five years in Edgbaston, not far from Frank's central reservation. No. I would like to tell you that it's not just lost causes that need prayer. My old... Oh, yes, we had an email last week about a guy went out with a woman and he lost his car keys on the beach and she prayed to St Anthony 12 round three times and they appeared.

Yeah. In mid-air, on fire. I did a bit, obviously, I've talked, I've embroidered a bit. But anyway. Live on Channel 4 with Darren Brown. Yeah. My old religious education teacher, a sweet, nervous Polish lady, used to pray to St Francis when a wasp always used to come in the classroom.

Generally it worked with them flying out of a nearby window. I'm a little lapsed, but I found this method preferable over the large gobby girl in my class who would squash it in a book. Hmm. I, um... Yes, I can tell. St Francis, of course, is always pictured with animals all

around him, so I suppose, yeah. He was a sort of a flypaper saint, the idea that they went to him. I'd have gone for the Archangel Michael and just blown him out the air. Flames. That's what kids need, you see, nowadays.

They want fireworks. They don't want prayer. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. What locks you've been having with your apps, Frank, you and Charlie? Yes, I got out during that break. During the break I didn't get my abs out. That would be terrible. I wish I could get during that break. Getting his apps out. During the break, I didn't get my apps out.

That would be terrible. I wish I could get them out. They're so deeply buried. My apps. Yeah, I got out my Firework app. What's your other app? Your Robot One?

I've got Sci-Fi Special Effects. Went down well with Charlie. Oh, yeah. Charlie loves that novelty, childish app. Did you download that hoping there might be some quotes from Perkins? No.

They could have been. 29 minutes has taken you to bring that up. I was buoyant then. Buoyant in my enthusiasm. And then Steve Hall. I was trying to do it in a constructive way. The lead overcoat.

It's on my shoulders and I'm weighed down. No, it was I was trying to do it in a constructive way. The lead overcoat. It's on my shoulders and I'm weighed down. No, it was... It's just... I'll play some after, maybe. I think there should be... I'm just going to check the rights issues. There should be some sci-fi. You press a button, it makes a sci-fi noise.

You press another button, it says, Someone or something. That's one of your quotes, isn't it? Yeah. What's he doing? Is he taunting me? This was meant entirely affectionately and it's backfired horribly. I feel like a spider under a magnifying glass

on a hot day. Steve, what's Perkins' last line in the whole of Doctor Who? Can you remember? If the good Lord willing in the creeks don't write i should have said that by mistake embarrassing yeah um what was it i can't remember now text in if you can remember i think it was um sure it's good to meet you uh no i know what it is i remembered it and good luck i think it might be no that's a terrible line. It wouldn't be that.

It was. A job like that could change a man. No, that wasn't the last line. That might be the last line that sticks in your memory. It was so beautifully delivered. The Guardian. I hate it when an old actor goes on about his role. Well, I'm growing this for a park, dear.

You couldn't see what I was referring to there, thank God. But that's the kind of work I'm doing now. So, I was speaking... Perkins Nights. Yeah. Oh, God, you had to be kidding me. I'd be buying that DVD. Yeah, me sort of DJing dressed as Perkins.

In case you don't know, Perkins was a character I played in the popular sci-fi series Doctor Who. OK, so I like to throw in a footnote. It's very David Foster Wallace. So, it was Valentine's Day. It was. Is it all right to talk about it with you guys? Oh, absolutely. It was lovely. Here's you guys absolutely here's the thing

here is a funny thing every year I buy 12 red roses that's so nice it's not original but it's nice it's from the heart it's from the florist it's from the PA I think you'll find

it's called the heart the local florist and this year is from the south. It's from the PA, I think you'll find. No, it's called the heart, the local forest. And this year, she bought me 12 as well. Shut up. I wasn't expecting that. Oh, it's the feminists, they're rising up. Is that what it is? If I'd have known we were going to take it in turns,

I could have said it myself. That's so you. I know, but now we've got a house full of red roses. I bet next time, Steve, he does a series of Room 101 and they say, what would you like as your end-of-series present? He goes, 12 red roses. And can you refrigerate them, please? Does it mean you've got to go 13 next time?

I'm thinking 15. That's how I gamble. I want to blow her out the water. I think maybe she's done that. She won't buy them next year. I'll have gone higher. It's a prize. Lovely.

Don't get me wrong. It was lovely. I bought her a book on running. Oh, that's nice. Which afterwards I thought, is that all right to buy? Yeah, yeah. A bit of a hint. Yeah, next year a book on dieting.

Can I say that absolutely is not required by my very svelte girlfriend. Very svelte. Svelte Yonan Ericsson, that's what I call her. That's so nice that Kath got you flowers. Yeah, it's unusual, isn't it? Because there was a slight part of me that thought, has she been sent these by someone else? And she says, oh, I bought you 12 red roses

just to justify the fact they were in the house. Do you have to write a note? Do you write something romantic to accompany them? You mind your own damn business. Honestly, some people, they push it too far. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, so I got twelve. That's so nice. And then in the evening, you know, we thought we'd do something. What did you do? Did you go for dinner? Well, we thought we'd do something romantic. What did you do?

We watched Take Me Out. Oh, lovely. Which I've never watched all the way through. Let the penis see the collada. Love it. He didn't say that. He said some good stuff, though. I must admit, I was very enamoured of Paddy McGinney.

I've never seen a man so at home on a TV show. He really... There was a bit where a woman said something. She said, well, you know, I wasn't... I'm not sure if I like him anyway. And he went, oh, hashtag orcs. And I thought, that's fabulous that you've said that. I'm going to say that all the time here's a let the construct is one of my favorites yeah did he do any that night oh he

did a lot of those he's done let the chimney see the sweep i'm still not 100 about no but he was uh he was very fine there's one that was a little bit of a fracas between... Oh, this woman said something a bit strange, and he just started going, What happened then? What happened then? And it was really funny, I did. Was there one of the men, they always come down dancing, don't they?

I'll tell you what they had. They love a dance. They had a slightly older man. Oh, and then it went, do, do, do, do. And that all went on the lights go a dance they're the slightly older man oh and then it went do do do don't get me wrong he was young he's a lot younger than me but i just thought this is not this is not right what are we talking 40 yeah probably something like that how embarrassing you know the bloke you know the bloke used to see at the club he used to stand like on his own with a pint you think just get out yeah it was like that remember when they used to stand like on his own with a pint and he used to think just get out.

Yeah, it was like that. Remember when they used to have the old people on blind date? They'd have an old people round. Oh, I turned it off when it was the old people. I mean, come on. I mean, blind date's supposed to be a metaphor, not a... Anyway. Deaf date they had the following week.

Bed ridden date. I mean, no. Bed-ridden date. I mean, no, I didn't like those. I mean, don't get wrong, I'm all for old love. I know. Oh, you will be. Do you find yourself... When do I find myself? Mind your own business. I've told you. Stop prying.

Do you find yourself subconsciously working out who you would like to pick i can't possibly yeah i can't possibly of course you do i'm not subconscious we spoke openly about who was the best looking oh did you cat's very good at that actually because cat has been quite jealous in in the past yeah she's not too jealous anymore um no what does that tell you? But she... We watched the last 25 minutes of the 2014 Miss World the other night on London Live. And she... Give my love to 1973. Yeah.

She's, um... You know, you have to... She picked who she thought was the best looking, and I thought I'd pick mine. Of course, I'm of an age now, I'd pick Julia Morley. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

I had a lovely Valentine's Day. I had a lovely time. Did you? We bought each other the same book. Is that good? That made me sick. That's like the Red Roses thing. It's the new tradition, bought each other the same book. That made me sick. That's like the Red Roses thing. It's the new tradition, but it's the same present.

Yeah, it's very nice. Are you prepared to say what the book was? It's not the Kama Sutra. Fifty Shades of Grey. Oh, no. It was called As You Wish, and it was the making of The Princess Bride. I wanted to be plenty, because we both like The Princess Bride.

There you go. What's The Princess Bride, Steve? It's a classic 1987 film. Carrie Elway's Robin Wright enchanting... It's a screenplay by William Goss. Are you using false names to protect me? Carrie Elway's?

That sounds like an instruction on a flat pack. Can I be honest? These were your Central Reservation years. It was peak Central. Is it a girl's film? Peak Central. Come on, be honest, is it a girl's film?

It's written by William Goldman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. William Goldman. Some of most Hollywood films, as we discussed. It's got your fella from Homeland in it as well. What's, er... Mandy Patinkin. Yeah, Mandy Patinkin.

You won't know him. He doesn't know anyone. I thought you were a Homeland fan. If it's not on Channel... What? If it's not on Channel 5, you won't know him. I remember her dad was the battleship man, wasn't he? I'd respect for...

I always respect an engineer, you know that. What about a new series of Gotham coming up? I know that. I'm very excited about that. I've been sent some DVDs. Have you? Yeah. I thought, I know a man on one of those. You've been sent some DVDs. Have you? I thought, I know, I know what that is.

You've been sent the DVDs, and what have I been sent? Nothing! I've got an umbrella and a Gotham PD badge. But you've been sent DVDs? I cannot believe that. I'm the only person I know who really loves Gotham. I know. Suddenly the blotting paper seems much, much less impressive.

Yeah, no, no, no, no, I can't, that'd be wrong to say that. What about this, then? I was talking to my two-and-a-half... You know that the funny things they say... Yes. ..is a trope I've always been very anti until I had a child. And then when they start saying funny things, at your expense, I think it's kind of OK.

So, um... I'm talking about... He's having his... I think his second ever sleepover because his grandpa is coming to stay. Oh. So, he's staying. I won't go into the details. But I said, so, you know, your grandpa's coming

and Nanny Sandra's coming. And he said, Sandra. He's two and a half. I love that child. I know, but I felt the whole of Birmingham quake. And I thought, this is what happens when you bring up your kids down south. He actually corrected me without a second thought. Sandra.

Oh, well done, Buzz. That's going to be awkward, isn't it? How many times is that going to happen now? And he's already ashamed of me. He's going to be like, Father, can you drop me here, please? You'll have to start coaching him on different words. Toothpaste. Yeah, exactly.

Back to Bert Day. Yeah. I still think I don't say that. That one occasion when Bert Reynolds was 50. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm going to do another funny thing. I'm just getting out of my system now.

Apologise for people at home who hate this sort of stuff. But I was reading the Peppa Pig book and the last page says, if you saw a shooting star, what would you wish for? So I said, right, if you saw a shooting star, what would you wish for? So I said, right, if you saw a shooting star, what would you wish for? He said, wet wipes. Do you know, I probably would as well. There has been occasions

in my life where that would have been my first wish. But, um... I love a wet wipe. Yeah, they're brilliant, aren't they? Brilliant invention. Multi-purpose. Stylist's best friend. Is that right? Yeah, because they get off stains without leaving residue.

From clothes, I mean. Do they get off stains? Yeah, they do. Let me show you sometime. Okay. Let's do it now. Can you commentate, Steve? Absolutely. Sort of cricket commentary very detailed. Morning, Ian. Morning, Richie. The wind blower. The wind blowing through his long blonde mane as he comes

in from the voxel lane and yes he has removed that stain almost completely um but another thing i've spotted which now i you know the old nature nurture thing, there are things that a child learns and things that are actually in deep, deep, in the spirit of the human being, a sort of tribal root. Yes. And boys in particular, I watched him the other day, and I honestly, I promise you,

he hasn't got this from watching his parents. I watched him, not even in an act of naughtiness, but just in a casual, he was doing something else at the time, picked his nose and wiped it underneath the table. Now, underneath the table, that's something,

I mean, where did that, did cavemen do it, like, underneath the table? You know that sort of very furry bit at the bottom of a saber-toothed tiger? Would they have wiped their nose on there? It's like an inbuilt baby instinct, like when they check their falling mechanisms. Yeah, but I would...

Honestly, I can't imagine seeing anyone do that. Yeah. If there's any geneticists or biologists who can help us with that problem... No, listen to our show. No, you probably... You're mad. Has that made you paranoid that you might have been doing it and not real life? No, I definitely haven't been doing it.

Get that out of your head. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Eh, boy diddly! You've had a tweet this morning. Have I? I wish you'd kept that to yourself. Well, I was scoffing at the idea of... Who did I say wasn't going to be listening? You said you don't get people like geneticists listening to our show. Well, it turns out you do get quite intelligent people.

I knew that. Because we've had a tweet from somebody who says... Dave, his name is. Dave? D-A-B-E. OK. I hope they're marking the birthday today of. W.H. Auden. I didn't know it was his birthday.

Hashtag Q Siren. Hashtag what? He says hashtag Q Siren. Q Siren. That's the wrong go. I know. Yes. I know.

Okay. Oh, it's the wrong... Yes, that's a bit of a... I don't know if that's a joke or... I don't know. I think it might not be. It's a bit awkward.... I don't know if that's a joke or I think it might not be. It's a bit awkward. Oh, hashtag orcs!

That's what I'm buying down. I was actually looking for the siren there, but once again I've been let down. So, yeah, I did a thesis on W.H. Auden. Did you? Great hair. What was the title of the thesis? Oh, I don't remember. I feel confident it wasn't great hair, which is my observation.

That's a long time ago. I wrote it in Sanskrit. Yes. But if anyone's any slightly interested in poetry, I recommend you read Musée de Beau Art, which is a poem about three Bruegel paintings. Slimey. Absolute radio here, ladies and gentlemen. de Beau art, which is a poem about three Bruegel paintings. Absolute radio here, ladies and gentlemen. So let's get back down to earth. EastEnders!

Oh yes, did you watch it? I saw a tiny, I saw about a minute of it. Which one? Which is more than I've... Because it's called hashtag EE live now. They made it all trendy. That's what it's actually called now. That's what I call it.

OK, I'll tell you what happened and then you'll be able to identify what point. I mean, you'll tell us what happened. We all saw it. No, no, but the bit I saw, I was flicking. I was... Me and Kath have become slightly obsessed with Cucumber, the Radio 4 drama. So we've been watching that on, anyway.

Oh, Russell T. Davis. I'm not recommending that to any young children, because it's quite grown up. But anyway, so we were flicking about, and then we landed on EastEnders. Now, it was Kat, Kat was in it, Kat Slater. Oh, she's back. Wearing a dress that was... Less Kat was in it. Kat Slater. Oh, she's back. Wearing a dress that was... Less than a fiver. I was a bit taken aback.

I don't know. Is there a fashion term? I mean, there's many fashion terms for... Is there a dress term that you'd call post-watershed? I'd call it knout. OK. Wearing knout. It was very post-watershed, and this was at, like, 8 o'clock at night. I mean, it was extremely revealing on the upper areas. Okay. Wearing out. It was very post-watershed and this was at like 8 o'clock at night. I mean, it was extremely revealing on the upper

areas. Oh. And it reminded me of the last two tangerines in the stocking. That's why it's hashtag E.E. Live. It's actually double E.E. Live. Yeah, okay. But it was, so I was quite shocked by that. But then... She's still going for the no makeup makeup look, that one.

Well, I mean, don't get me wrong, she's a very attractive woman. Oh, she's a handsome woman. But she grabbed Sonia. So there's two people who I remember from, you know, who I recognise. Because they're always called, there's always called someone like Enid Wallace. Or that, you know, she plays Enid Wallace in EastEnders. And I said, well, that doesn't mean anything to me. You know her. She's married to Paul Harris. You know Paul Harris, innit? You know Paul Harris, who runs the, the watch shop? I mean, it means nothing to me.

People like Daisy, these people are massive stars. I know that, but so she grabs Sonia, and she pushed her face into an enormous cake on the bar. Now, yes, in EastEnders, and I thought has it gone a bit slapstick? And then she looked up, and I'll tell you what it was, I understand it was live this week, and I've done

some custard pie work in the past. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. But often it doesn't really, that's what it it. But often it doesn't really... That's what it doesn't do, it doesn't stick. So people go into a custard pie and they come out with no custard on them and it's all a bit of a letdown.

But she... I don't know if she's very porous or if she's one of those women who looks like she's emerging from a seeded dandelion. You know, you get some very heavily fluffed... Kate wins it, I've been told. Combs her face every other day. Size nines? Yeah. But she really clung to us.

It was a very good custard pie moment. And that's it. That's the first mini of EastEnders I've seen for about ten years. And arguably the last. I have major respect for it as a social phenomenon, but it's not my cup of tea, darling. Do you know what I mean, treacle? I once auditioned to be on EastEnders.

Hold it! Oh, I love it! I think music, and then we come... Oh, I love a cliffhanger. Oh, humiliation. That's my bag. I love a cliffhanger. I know I used to personally share a Cliff Richard for a living. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. So we're talking EastEnders. Yes. Dramatic week in EastEnders.

So I should explain, I grew up in Boreham Wood. I grew up about 30 seconds away from the EastEnders set. So from my bedroom window, you can see the backs of the buildings. So it was a big part of my childhood. And we used to regularly do open days

where you could walk round Albert Square. Yes. They'd do it once where they days where you could walk round Albert Square. Yes. They'd do it once where they'd throw the doors open once a year. It's a big part of your childhood. God, that makes me feel old. So if you grow up in Boreham Wood, everyone has some interaction. Supercar was a big part of my childhood.

Anyway, so I was right. So I'd once, for example, I'd once met, I'd got Anita Dobson's autograph backstage at a Brian Kant gig. Wow. Wow. That's getting a bit desperate, isn't it? Great, great again for the kids. This was pre-May. Yes.

Pre-May. Yeah, this is, yeah. She's got one of those, she's one of those people. There's always a Brian with her. Yeah, there's no overlap when she smiles. You know those people who the teeth just sit on top of each other rather than overlapping. Yeah, there's no overlap when she smiles. You know those people who the teeth just sit on top of each other rather than overlapping? Yeah, it's like my showbiz smile when I was a child that I used to do.

It's a sort of a they shall not pass kind of a smile. The pearly gates. Does that work as a teeth description? Just move on. I've got to be honest, I want you to get on to this audition. So I was offered... It's quite rare. Because I'm assuming you didn't get it.

No, no, yeah. Were you Dr Legg's nephew? Leonard Fenton. I've mentioned him before. Yeah, but I couldn't say... Couldn't you say Steve was Dr Legg's menu? Yes! Menu?

Nephew. It's a very different kind of EastEnders Live. Yeah, exactly. I haven't... So carry on. What were you auditioning for? It was a brief part. It was going to be maybe sort of ten appearances

over it. Oh, that's lovely. I thought you'd be in the background talking at the bar. Do you know what I thought he'd be doing, Frank? I thought he'd be looking at his watch at the market going, tapping it, like Jonathan Ross's mother always does. But in the pub, but slightly obscured

by the bust of Queen Victoria just to the side of it and they have to come over and say can you just take it down a bit mate and I'm a terrible actor so I hardly do any castings at all over the year that's no reflection on our management and I walked in

and they said well obviously we've written initially we've written the character as gay, but looking at you, obviously we won't make him gay. So I thought, because I'm so ruggedly heterosexual. Yeah. That's so rude. It's interesting. That would have been a time when that would have been a compliment to a man.

Yeah, yeah. And now you think, what do you mean by that? Am I not interesting enough? Well, that means am I not buff enough, let's be honest. Yeah, exactly. The casting bloke was not well dressed that's actually what i think it might have been yeah i think it was yeah but it was delightful he loved the casting director he was an absolutely delightful human

being we had a 15-minute chat still after a part oh and then he said okay well if you want to start the reading and having chatted to him for 15 minutes, he cut me off after 45 seconds and went, right, I think that's all we need to see. He didn't. Do you remember any of your lines? It was lots of, you know, when you, it's out of context. So it's just lots of, you seen Kath?

Where is she? But I think I did put this out on Twitter in the week, but that's all they ask on EastEnders is, have you seen Ian? No. Yeah, they do do that, have you seen Ian? No. Yeah, they do do that. Have you seen John? They just ask if you've seen people.

They do. It's a bit like a very, very melodramatic Where's Wally. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. In a hashtag EE Live. Oh, yeah. So the big thing was, they fluffed their lines, didn't they? Yes.

One of the characters. Not much, did they? Not much. She said, how's Adam? Yeah. Instead of how's Ian? How's Adam? That's the actor's name.

Yeah, and of course the person who fluffed that was the actress Jo Joyner, who is the cockerel's colleague from Trying Again. And Linda with a Y. From Doctor Who. Yeah, she's great in that. I just wonder if she hadn't fluffed her lines, maybe Trying Again would have got a second series. I'm just saying.

She is... Does Alan listen to the podcast? She is excellent, I think. She's fantastic, She's really great. Yeah, but do you know what? I think... I wonder if she's related to Bob Joyner. He used to have a motorbike shop in the West Midlands in the 1960s and 70s. No, of course she wasn't. Don't be ridiculous.

When I was watching it, can I confess something? Go on. I haven't committed a murder. I found it very exciting and I was saying to... I'm going to call him my boyfriend now. I found it very exciting, and I was saying to, I'm going to call him my boyfriend now. Okay. It's been going on long enough. That's okay.

And I did say, do you know what's making me a bit stressed? It's the idea of a Frank in this. I kept thinking, I said, what would Frank be like if he had to do this live? Like, he just, because I just kept thinking about how you wouldn't be able to stop yourself sabotaging it. You wouldn't be able to stop yourself sabotaging it. You wouldn't be able to stop yourself. It's true, though, Frank. Because if someone fluffed their lines and someone said, oh, how's Adam? Instead of how's Ian?

There's no way you wouldn't make a joke about that. You would not carry on. Would it be like the end of Tootsie? Yeah. He'd suddenly just start improvising. When I did art in the West End, the two actors I was in it with sat me down day one of rehearsal and said, you're not going to be doing jokes with the audience and that all the time. As if I had no idea of the fourth wall.

Oh, he sounded quite actish when he said that. Yes, exactly. I love phrases like the fourth wall and the half. Did you make the half? Yeah. So, yeah, well, I think, yeah, you want a bit of that. I'd almost factor some of that in to prove it's live. And she was lovely about it as well. She took it with really good grace.

Oh, now you're being nice about her. You've changed your tune. Yeah, slagging her off one minute. But the worst thing is, I love EastEnders now. I'm going to start watching it. Are you a convert? Well, that's how it's supposed to work, of course. A week of live is supposed to drag people in, isn't it?

It's not very my brand, either, let's be honest. No. Daisy's a fan. Meaning? No, I'm just saying... You mean it's her brand? Well, she likes The Voice and she likes X Factor. Yeah.

And she loves BGT. She is with me, though, that she likes The Gift. Have you seen The Gift? I've seen clips. I've seen small. We'll come back to The Gift, because The Gift was quite interesting. Daisy's one of those friends.

We've all got one. She's great, because if you say, did you see that? She goes, yes, because she saw everything. Yes. She's like a pensioner. She's our normal people correspondent. We're going over now to our normal people correspondent.

Outside of Wethersents. At Absolute. Outside of Wetherspoons. Exactly. So who do you think will win this week's Take Me Out? It's all a bit like that. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Do we know who killed Lucy? Bobby. I don't know who Bobby is, but I know who killed Lucy, who I don't know is. I don't know who Lucy is. I got very confused. I thought it was Bobby Ball rather than Bobby, but I thought Tommy Cannon's going to be devastated.

The truth is, you know, strangers kill each other every day. I can't get upset about it. It's just what happens. Otherwise, you couldn't get through life. It's also, it's such, so many shows have done the, and in fact, EastEnders has done it several times, the Who Killed That, Who Shot JR. I think it started

with Who Killed Cock Robin, that was the initial they were trying to get people, they were trying to drum up more interest in folktales. Yeah, but the confession came quite early in that. They really milked it last night though. But he killed her on Good Friday as well. Oh, well don't get too upset

about that. No, I can sympathise with that. It was Ash Wednesday this week and I fasted and get to about 8 o'clock when you haven't eaten all day. You'd kill anything. Anything that moves. Did you have hanger? Oh, yeah, I did have hanger. Oh, yeah. Well, it's fashion week. Can you imagine what it's like on those pros?

Oh, yeah, God. Pros in the front row, by the way. They're no strangers to a fast, though, to be fair. What, the pro? Well, just the fashion people. Yeah, the front row. Their life is a fast, isn't it? Life in the fast lane, that's what I should call it. I'll tell you, the one that highlighted the whole EastEnders thing for me

was there was one of those great moments in the paper when they did a review of the programme which included a reference to the National Grid. I love that. With the kettles? Well they did because there's no brakes of course. It's not like the cup fine or when you get the big surge.

But it was just the National Grid says you know that during that half hour or whatever it was blah blah and I love it when they bring the greed in. Ah, fabulous. I will watch it now, though, I think, after this. Are you addicted now? Oh, that Adam, or Ian, whatever he's called.

He's an absolutely first-class actor. There's quite a lot of backstory that you now don't know, so it's going to be sort of... So Kathy coming back would be... Oh, I don't rub it in, just because I've got a new pleasure in life. Yeah, Gillian Telford's coming back. Yeah. She was all, she'd been keeping a low profile

and not for the first time. Oh, God. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. It's lovely to be back. I've not been, this is my first

one of 2015. Well, it's lovely to have you, Steve've not been... This is my first one of 2015. Well, it's lovely to have you, Steve. We love having you here. What shall we talk about now? I say, let the onions eat the bargy. Yeah. What happened then? What happened then?

So, come on, what's... When I was last on before Christmas, I was just on before Christmas, I was just about to play the O2. Oh, yes. And that was very exciting. And then since then, my wife's now gone back to work post-maternity, so I've gone from playing the O2 to being effectively an almost full-time house husband.

Oh! Are you bringing up baby? I am bringing up baby. And I bet you're about to say that's even more fulfilling than going really well at the O2, am I right? It's a depressing experience. Wish I could be on the road again. I like your honesty.

Just to keep that quiet in case there's any pregnant people listening. Don't tell them. It's that worrying thing we're realising, there's just certain days where I don't interact with anyone other than my seven-month-old daughter. And she seems bored of me. Yeah. So I've sort of negotiated with the wife

that we have kind of individual cultural experiences. I get a daddy day off. Oh, do you? Where I'm allowed into back out into a polite society. And what do you do with this day off? Well, I'm kind of desperate for any stimulation. So I have done various weird things. I went to a classical concert.

I saw Simon Rattle conduct some Sibelius. Oh, OK. You saw Simon Rattle. It was cold in there. And I tried so hard to enjoy it. I love that you did that with your day off. It was hardly the hangover too, wasn't it? Simon Rattle. I keep trying to like classical music

and I couldn't enjoy it what is it with classical music what is it I have given it every chance in the world it's had more chances than Pete Doherty in my house and this is what I always do

I put it on I think this is brilliant I'm going to listen to this for the rest I'm bored that I put it on. I think, this is brilliant. I'm going to listen to this for the rest... I'm bored. That's how it always goes. That's exactly... Watching Sibelius, and all I could hear, the lyrics in my head watching this classical music was, what's she going to look like with a chimney on her?

And I don't know why that entered my head. Can I tell you what I feel, Steve? I always feel I'm about to kill someone in a film. Don't you? If classical music comes, I think, oh my God, I'm going to have to murder someone. It's, oh really, I have not given up. I want to be a person who likes classical

music. That's what I want to be. You're not that tight. Come on. Too many instrumentals. Yeah. But it's trying so hard. And there are people who are loving it. People who leave and kind of go... Ardesty. That's the... I wonder.

Ardor. Now I... And they applaud at the end. Oh, do they applaud? Do they? Yeah, they come out. How do they come out? There were people actually shouting bravo.

Yes, I know. In a non-ironic way. To be fair, my parents are just hired out for every gig to do that. To be honest, I was having a conversation about a TV show and they said, what side is it on? And that's why they were shouting brava. I like the use of side. What side is it on?

No, I still say that. Don't people say that anymore? Did you tape it? But they clap. So you clap, and then the violinists all stand up. So you clap then. Then the bloke goes. Then he comes back.

Then they... You have to pace yourself. Honestly, I'm not exaggerating. My hands are red and stinging after applauding. By the time they get to the oboe, you're done. Oh, I tell you. And the thing is, by that stage, you're done oh I tell you and the thing is by that stage

you just want to get the hell out of there yeah opera funnily enough I'm alright with because you get you know you get a play

on stage yeah there's a story and also there's some words and stuff okay they're Italian but they're words you know but just watching someone

and I want I want I want to so you didn't get Italian, or German, but they're words, you know? But just watching someone... And I want, I want, I want to. So you didn't get anywhere with it. So that was a wasted bit of freedom. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had a happier experience this week. I went to see The Nether.

Oh, yes. Which is excellent. Isn't it a bit... It see The Nether. Oh, yes. Which is excellent. Isn't it a bit... It's the dark world of the internet. It is challenging. It's one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen live. You're really making the most of these nights off. Yeah, yeah.

It's just anything for non-baby stuff. But then leaving the theatre, I saw... I saw people losing their minds at something. People were getting very excited. And I couldn't work out why. And then emerging through this crowd of people, also leaving the theatre, was Christoph Waltz. Oh.

And I lost my mind as well. He was so... He is one of the most... It's as if he's lit. Is it impolite to Google? Oh. I have no idea. How do you spell it?

He's an Oscar-winning actor. So... Can I be honest, Steve? The fact that I've had to say Wossey before his name means he's not that famous. He's in 12 Years a Slave, though. He's Hans Lander in Inglourious, I won't say that word, the Tarantino film. Oh, yeah. He's in 12 Years a Slave as well, isn't he? He could well be.

Hold on, before we go through his CV. I've never heard of him. Is he young, attractive, old, haggard? He's in his 40s or 50s. OK. People are excited to see him. He's also in Django Unchained. He's an Oscar-winning actor.

I know, I mean Django Unchained. Yeah, he's in Django Unchained, yes. Right, good. Yes, it's a great idea. He's confused Django Unchained and 12 Years a Slave. If we can enjoy that. If Barry Norman hosted this show. This is a film review show from people who've only seen a few films.

Yes. This is the worst link we've ever done. Christoph Waltz. I thought he would be right up your street. He's a fantastic actor. But I've never seen him in the flesh. He glows. Of course you'd know.

He's the most charismatic. After your mysteries's ended. Yeah, he wouldn't fluff an audition. He's the most charismatic. Why do you say that? He's, I've never, in terms of in the flesh, just, he glows from within. Yeah. And I've only seen him and maybe Mylene Classer, the only people I've ever seen where they just radiate charisma.

Kylie Minogue. What about Jim Carrey? Yes. What about when I ended up in his dressing room? I really... Anyway, music. No! Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Stevie Hall is with us today. I'm not Stevie. You can text us on 81215. Some have. Not as many as usual, I would say. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio.

Email the show via the Abbey website. Well, we actually do have a... Abbey Radio. We have a tweet just in. We do get several tweets. I've told you before, don't call me Justin. But often they're talking about things we can't really share, like the music and certain songs being censored, etc.

La Chica Holandesa has tweeted us. Who has? La Chica Holandesa. Does that translate as the Irish bird? I hope so, because I haven't done a... Holandesa, did you say? No, Holandesa okay translate as the irish bird i hope so because i haven't checked i haven't done holandesa did you say holandesa oh okay oh i haven't i haven't done a check on that to see if that's uh uh try rakmaninoff it's so dramatic you won't get bored frank yes i was with a friend of mine once and and we were listening.

We had a go at classical. We put Radio 3 on. And when it came back, the presenter said, that was Ratmaninoff. And he said, well, it wasn't that bad. So I always thought it was very fine. What about what Rick says? I should say his avatar is of Vincent van Gogh.

He's obviously a cultured chap And he says in response to your What is it with classical music comment He says, it's great Frank, what's your problem? Yeah but that's because he's got He just has it on his no ear We've also, Martin Hodder has tweeted to say We were told classical music settles young kids

He says my son would only settle to meatloaf bat out of hell. You see, we did play Boz quite a lot of classical music to try and make him a sensitive, intelligent being. But it drove me up the wall. But believe me, I'm not anti. I want to like him. I'm going to try and remind him. I might have a um beef roulette

no but i really i want to get it i'm going to try it man enough that's the point it's we're not we're not just going to murder we've actively tried to engage with me i just from so i look clever i want to like it i'm told that one of the myths about classical music is that you can have it on in the background. And I bought a book called sort of like Classical 101 or something it was called. And the idea, he said, you just

shut everything out, you sit in a room and get a real good sound system and you absolutely have a shower in it. You don't think of anything else, do anything else. You listen to every tiny thing of it. Did your parents ever play it? No. I don't mind a bit of Mahler.

That's the only... Oh, sure. Lying. Don't start lying. But the only reason I like that was that I recognise it as the old Castrol GTX advert. Well, that's it, you see. My dad actually did used to play Richard Torber, who was like an old tenor. Dad started lying. But the only reason I like that was that I recognise it as the old Castrol GTX advert. Well, that's it, you see. My dad actually did used to play Richard Torber, who was like an old tenor.

Oh, yes, yes. Only a simple little melody. Only for you. Only for me. Anyway. Was that your dad? That was my dad. You can go now.

I'll see you down the... Oh, leave it. You've got that salt in your pocket in case anyone assaults you. Assaults. That's the mess it comes from. So anyway, what's in the news this week, guys? I wanted to talk about Andy Murray. Uh, Andy Murray's- Specifically, or? Yeah, yeah, just- yeah, he's not even in the news, I'm just obsessed with him. Oh yes, I know. His motivational techniques, yes, have been leaked. Now, I'm always very interested in motivational techniques.

Yeah? I was... The first time I went to America, I was in Los Angeles, and there was a shop... I love the way you say that. There was a shop that just sold motivational things, like posters and statues and badges and stuff. That's all it had.

That's amazing. And I went in there and I bought, it was a little, like a sort of statue of a baseball. And it said, people who moan about the bounce of the ball are usually the ones who dropped it. Oh. And so I bought that. Why are you saying that to us? It's still on my desk now. So I'm all for, I'm very keen on it. Don. And so I bought that. Why are you saying that to us? It's still on my desk now.

So I'm very keen on it. Don't say that to us. We're not ball droppers. No, I'm not suggesting that to her. Not since I was a teenager. Oh. Oh. Oh, I think...

Oh, dear. I need a motivational technique. I can only say, hashtag orcs. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We were just moving into Moray territory. Absolutely. So there was a photo of the tenor, and this is next to him as he's playing.

Yes. In Rossadown. Well, not as he's playing, it's by his chair. By his chair, yes. Yeah, he hasn't got one of those little lecterns that people have when they're doing the knowledge. That would have been getting in the way, wouldn't it? It's next to the Robinsons, isn't it?

Yeah, by the way, I think on a windy day, he probably weighs it down with a banana. Do they still ever have the Robinsons? No, just the Coke Zeros now, isn't it? They must have the Robinsons at Wembley, don't they? At Wimbledon. I like the way you looked at Charlie. Well, I'm not sure of Charlie because she's posh, you'll know.

It's alright, she's okay. She's blonde, I should point out. Lovely, lovely. Yeah, so I'm going to be honest about it. As a fan of the motivational, I thought it was a little bit route one. Absolutely. Well, try your best.

Try your best was one of the notes. And the first ones are incredibly nebulous. They get a bit more specific as time, as they go on, but the first ones were particularly dull. Be good to yourself. Yeah, be good to yourself, which sounds like a Sainsbury's Taste the Difference ad. It does.

But do your best. He actually pays someone. Yeah, yeah. Who says, here's my first tip, Andy. Do your best. Oh, yeah. I can see that would help. What about be intense with your legs? Be intense. There's two about legs.

To be fair, that's something you've always done, Frank. I have. But there's two about legs. with your legs? Be intense. There's two about legs. I mean, to be fair, that's something you've always done, Frank. I have. I have. But there's two about legs. Keep your legs moving, be intense with your legs. I mean, if he didn't have that on the side, it's the odd that he'd be standing there, balls would be flying past, you know, 18 inches either side.

Oh, Corrie, sir. But it's also intense with your legs. That implies he's chatting to his legs going, I've never met anyone quite like you legs. You're absolutely amazing. I just don't know where we're going. But you do need an aide de memoir to move your legs at tennis. Even I knew that.

As useless as those notes were, they might as well have just had a poster next to him of a cat and it just says, hang in there. And he's got the cat clinging to a tree. I think he should have a Garfield saying, need more coffee. Yesfield saying need more coffee yes that's the kind of thing i mean do you do you use any motivational uh uh the one thing i do is i uh before a show i look at a picture of my baby that is that is you are it's having a laugh it's pathetic but it's true it's like if it's a slightly rowdy with its mouth open thinking i've got to feed this.

Yeah, just her next to some shoes. They need these. Really? Particularly if it's a really awful gig. My motivation is, before a show, I Google West Bromwich. Do you? Yeah. I've done... I had to do a public speaking thing recently.

And you know what I do? A tip which we all do, schedule in a nice meal afterwards somewhere with a glass of champagne because then I know that'll be waiting for me I don't think I should do that because I know what'll be waiting for me be intense with your champagne be intense with your champagne

waste ground will be waiting for you. That's what Ranald Fine said to me once. Yeah, so I really thought we were going to get some fabulous insights. Yeah, yeah. Because they're very into all that motivational thing, the tennis players, in a way that footballers aren't. He said, keep going for your serve. Oh, it's a bit rude one, isn't it?

He also said one of them was try to be the one... Hit the ball over the other side of the net and inside those lines was one of the things. One was try to be the one dictating. They've obviously had to be careful with that because they can't say be a dictator. No. No. They can't say what would Kim Jong-un do, which is what I would have on a motivational... Yeah, what would be the...

Because it's WWJD on the badges for what would Jesus do. What would King Jong-un, what would that be? We'll get back to that. You don't have to text him. We'll be able to work it out with a pen and paper. It would be great if one of the motivational tips was just be better than Tim Henman. He's done that, hasn't he?

Yeah, yeah. I think. Well, everyone's done that. I've done that and I use a wooden racket still. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Next. Wow, Steve Hall, what have you got for us?

I've actually got a piece of paper here on the desk that says, don't say what next. It's my radio show motivation. Oh, no. Don't say what next. No long silences. Be more intense with your thorax. Yeah, no. Don't say what next. No long silences. Be more intense with your thorax. Yeah, no classical music stuff.

Don't talk about your bum in minute detail. Don't mention EastEnders. We've had some response on the classical music front. 511 has said that hearing the name Richard Torber brings back some memories. His grandmother still cries a tear when she hears We'll gather lilacs We'll gather lilacs in the spring again And walk together down an English lake Where's he from?

Germany Used to wear a monocle I mean, you don't get many singers now in a monocle Gabrielle, if you had the chance, turn it down. You never see, do you, a sort of sunglass monocle? No, we don't see. You know, a shaded monocle. Do a reactor at Rapide do a monocle?

That's this morning's texting. If they don't, I want to know why. Is there anyone from David Cluelow listening? 635 has tweeted us, Hi Frank, Emily and Steve, speaking of Kim Jong-un, have you seen the new do he debuted this week? Extraordinary. No. Have you not seen it?

I've not seen it. Oh, it's like a telephone. It's like a sort of, you know those 1970s telephones, you know, so it's sort of rounded on both ends, bit of a roll he's got in the middle. Oh, I see. He's gone for a rotary look. He's still got it going on of rounded on both ends. Bit of a roll he's got in the middle. Oh, I see. He's gone for a rotary look. He's still got it going on. Good on him.

I'm just saying I would. Well, you all know I would. Yeah. I've made no secret of that. No, he's got something about him. If I wasn't speaking to you. I think he's got very good skin. Oh, yeah.

Kim Jones. Tell me something I don't know. OK. If only it was his. I think it's his uncle's. What happened to the leg? Because there was a gammy leg, wasn't there? Yeah, it was something to do with his diabetes.

Cheese! He was addicted to cheese. I've just seen that Daisy has just showed me a picture of Kim. Excuse me, why is that on your Instagram, a picture of Kim Jong-un? He looks like he's looking over some school railings. Do you see what I mean about the phone? I think they're microphones, but it really looks like he's looking over the railings for his dad to come.

Oh, poor old Kim. So shall we... Sorry? That is a hell of a do. I don't know if we should just talk about photos. This must be on my motivation list to not do that. Shall we go to the corner? Oh, yes, OK. Nobody puts... I can't even...

Here it is. OK. We have had an email that says, last week, no addressing, just straight into the email, last week, Bob Dylan gave a superb speech at a tribute night for him in LA. He ended the speech with, the good Lord willing and the creep don't rise,

but no, now get out. Where did he get that from, I wonder? He also used, I'm going to put an egg in my shoe and beat it. That's very good. That's a great ending,'t it brilliant what i like is that bob dylan speech which was brilliant if anyone likes bob dylan as as i um he got me through my difficult team at year steve you know i love bob dylan if you love bob dylan have a look at this it's wonderful your title. You had Bob Dylan. Yeah, we've all got our hairy men. Yeah.

And they all look like Jewish grandmothers. Yeah. Well, he did a brilliant speech, and he talked about all sorts. He talked about bad reviews that he'd had and stuff. But I think that the most severe Bob Dylan review, I bet he's never heard. severe Bob Dylan review I bet he's never heard and it was when Elton John said to me that

Sir Elton John said to me that Bob Dylan was the worst charades player he'd ever played with that is so marvellous that's awesome he also singled out Joan Baez I've mentioned before I think he should have singled out as theez, who I've mentioned before,

I think you should have singled out as the greatest heckler of all time. Joan Baez used to go to gigs and she used to harmonise with the singers from the audience. Oh, she did, that's incredible. I mean, that is, imagine that, hearing a harmony coming up that you

weren't expecting. Yeah, absolutely brilliant. If you recognise it as Joan Baez in the crowd. If you realise that it's someone... That's like when Frank starts doing material at other comics gigs. I've heard of people taking harmonicas to Bob Dylan gigs and joining in on the... Really? Yeah.

I should say that email was from Robin Carter, which is very near to Reuben Carter, who was the hurricane. Oh, of course. Who's the subject of one of Dylan's songs. I think he changed his name by dude poll, but he's a very lackadaisical character and didn't get it quite right. He says good enough for Bob, good enough for Frank. Well, that's true.

I've never claimed that if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise is mine. I think it was a goodbye to it on some old country. Yeah, well, it's a... Grand old Oakbury or something. It's a Hank Williams is who is... I think Dylan in that speech gives an odd to Hank Williams. Yeah, but I'm not even sure it's Hank Williams.

Well, it's the song. It's Fallout. It's a Jerry... Jerry Reed wrote the song and Johnny Cash does the first popular version of it. Oh, Steve. Anyway. Dick Fizzy.

Absolute Radio. I'll remind you again. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Are you still in the corner? Absolutely. I think we are. OK.

I have a missive in from Leila. I finally had got that. I know. I could just go'd got that. There, I could just go a little in. Carry on. Hi, Frank. We've stopped using teaspoons in our house. You were talking about these recently, weren't you? What were we saying about teaspoons? I can't even

recall. I can't remember. It'll come to me. Along the same lines as your war against time increments. Oh, no, it was related to this, the oppressive twelfths, wasn't it? Yes. We've decided that we will no longer rummage in the cutlery pot for teaspoons that are never where you expect them to be. She needs a section.

She needs a proper section. Yeah, yeah. That's what we've got. A bit personal. Anyway, what's wrong with a normal-sized spoon? No one uses miniature knives or forks. That is a good point. It's true.

Thinking of going the same way with socks, why do they need to match? Massive praise and... Oh no, can't read that Anyway That's from Layla The thing... I like the point that no one...

Well, obviously children do But not small knives and forks The big spoon, my first thought Is the soft-boiled egg in the egg cup Oh, you're right I mean, a soldier You know, a toasted soldier will take out Spoon, my first thought is the soft-boiled egg in the egg cup. Oh, you're right. I mean, a soldier, you know, a toasted soldier will take out, it'll take out the greater part of the yolk.

Yes. But the albumen, you would struggle to get that out with toast. And you can't get a big spoon. As someone who works in the fashion industry, a teaspoon is useful. Just from the point of view of eating less. Oh, I thought you meant to say shoehorn. No. No, you do eat less, you see. I'm going to put in a little argument in favour of miniature knives and forks,

because a cake fork, you get little... We've got some miniature forks. Or indeed a paring knife. If you're dealing with say some vanilla pods also alberman the white of the egg once it's cooked that's basically packing isn't it yeah isn't that really an envelope styrofoam it's an envelope element i mean it's the yoke you're after that's the good stuff. Odd socks. Both Kath... Kath has worn odd socks ever since I've known her,

and she's now got our child wearing odd socks as well. And I don't really approve. But these people, they're all right being colourful characters. How often do you see them in odd gloves? Sorry, these people, that's your child and your life partner. But Kath will actually wear odd gloves. Is that so? I find something reassuring. Wearing paired match socks,

it's like accepting that the universe is all chaos and cruelty, but my socks match. It's a little gesture of defiant hope. Can't they get nice Homer Simpson socks like Frank? I've got my Peppa Pig pants on, I should say. I don't like the idea of my feet looking at each other and thinking, how come he gets to wear... I don't want to be looking under the table saying,

I'm watching you two! The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've heard an awful lot about you this week we have and a significant amount about you frank but what about me because i did something very exciting i think you're both going to find this um i'm going to go alluring you tore yourself away from eastenders no i donned full high viz wear this week london fashion week isn't what it used to be. Dayglow is in.

I went on a tour of the Crossrail Tunnels. Are you familiar with Crossrail? I know the name, but I don't really know what it means. I know the name, like it's some old actor. What does it mean? Steve, can you explain Crossrail, please? It's the new thing, I think it's opening in 2018,

and it's east to west, and it's going to open up. Isn't that one that's going to go to Birmingham really fast? No. That's high speed too. Going to Birmingham. God, this has become like a sort of train enthusiast. Is it steam or diesel? It's going to be amazing.

I asked the chairman, we had a slide presentation. I went with my boyfriend because he was doing, I don't know what it was, some TV thing. I don't ask questions. I just kate middleton loyal companion and um i'm a very good corporate companion i decided very good i was very charming i i give good handshake i sat there with them just let me let me just. We had a slide presentation. They were lovely. The chairman, I met the chairman. I was a bit cheeky, though.

I worried I pushed it a bit. I didn't want to embarrass him, you know. I said... You don't want to push him on the slide presentation. No. He'll go to her face first. I stood at the head of the table. I said, it's like I'm chairing the meeting, isn't it? Yeah.

No-one laughed. No. I had some questions. Were you still in high-vis at the table? Yes. No. I had some questions. Were you still in high-vis at the table? Yes. High-vis at the table. Oh, shall I tell you about when I put the high-vis on?

So I had a choice. They said, do you want inners or outers? I didn't know. I said outers sounded safer. Yes. The outers you put on over the jean. I thought this was... Isn't this a nipple classification? I put them on over the jean. Oh thought this was... Isn't this a nipple classification? I put them on over the jean.

Oh, I see. Then the big jacket. I look lovely. Big hard hat. Was it orange or yellow? Orange! Well, sometimes you get green in them. Yeah, yeah. Green. What am I, a cyclist? I'm going down the cross rails. Okay. I had gloves. I had glasses. I had a hard hat. Ivy's glasses. I had gloves. I had glasses. I had a hard hat. High-vis glasses? That's a bit... Safety glasses. We said, we walked through Oxford Street in the high-vis. My boyfriend said, I feel like an astronaut. We felt, like, so special. You feel so powerful in those high-vis. People don't come near you. No. I'm picturing this like the beginning of an adult movie. Just you, impossibly glamorous.

adult movie just just you impossibly glamorous but i know i had all hair and makeup as well i asked the chairman i had some questions while i stopped the slide presentation for some questions i'm sure that went down well i said i can imagine the sound of your hand raising in a high as it went on my first question how did you choose where to stop it? I think that's a good question. I ask that to the portrait artist on the Sky Portrait Show every week. Yeah. It's a good question. And how do you pick the stations? Who picks the stations?

Yeah. Who decides where it stops? Who plays the ferryman? I didn't ask that. Do you not play it? Oh, OK. No. Oh, I don't know what crossrail

is but i bet it's going to be good absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio i was wearing the high viz before i put the high viz on guess what i asked i said where's my costume i don't think you call it that, do you? Oh, I see. Hy-Vee's costume. And you'll be so proud of me, Frank, because they gave me an oxygen tank for if you die or something. And I said I fashioned it as a belt because I thought at least I'd look thin.

An oxygen tank? It comes on a strap, so I tied it as a belt. Everyone had to wait for me while I did that. But anyway, cross rail. You've revolutionised the Hy-Vee's industry. It's going to be great. Everyone get down there in 2018, isn't it? I did that. But anyway, Crossrail. You've revolutionised the high-vis industry. It's going to be great. Everyone get down there in 2018, isn't it?

I think so. I think that's when it's done. Bit of early PR for them. Yeah, OK. I don't suppose we'll be getting their tickets now. They'll be announcing

the first delays on the train in a few months' time. How dare you? These are my friends. Did you get to keep the high-vis? No.

OK. Friends, you call them. Did you watch The Gift this week? No, I've not seen it. I've been intending to watch it. I know it's incredibly earnest because Mel Gedroych goes make-up free. I've heard it keeps on giving. Yes, it is.

Last week, Steve, I talked about the fact that if I had to do it... It's a programme which you go and either thank or apologise to someone from your past. And I thought it would be some of the kids who I bullied at school. I would go and say, sorry. And then this week, a school bully... He's the only celebrity to admit that you bullied people. A school bully went back, and at least I got it all out of my system when I was a child. Most celebrities wait until they become adults before they do it. went back and at least i got it all out of my system when i was a child most most celebrities

wait till they become adults before they do it um so i i went back and so this guy went back and he actually did it this guy had been a horrible i mean i was a verbal bully this guy had really knocked this guy about and obviously it was it was an awful story. Don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong. But it got to the point at the end, and this bully had already, this kid who'd been bullied had said, I'll never forgive him. I don't mind meeting him and hearing his apology, but I tell you now, I'll never forgive him.

And they meet, and the bully says, I really feel, I'm terrible about it for years. He said, OK, well, I do forgive you. I thought I couldn't, but I do. And he sort of went, well, thanks very much. Anyway. No, no, no. That's bullying.

That's what that is. It was like, I was so ready to cry. And because it was two blokes, I suppose, from the north. It was a bit... Anyway, thanks very much. I'll see you again, maybe. That was it. You know what?

No, that's Tyranny of the Meek, and I like it. It's Revenge of the Meek. Yeah. Revenge of the Nerd. Yeah. It's a show built on saying sorry. That is pretty much the most British show you could possibly have. Yeah, but it's not like sorry, you know,

sorry I didn't know this was your seat. They don't go back. That's what I'd like to see. Sorry I ruined your life. I'd like to see people apologising for really minor things. 25 years ago, I bumped into you in a queue. I'd like people to go back and say, you know when I said sorry to you about, I'm withdrawing. I realised that that regret wasn't real.

That'd be great. It's a really good programme if you like, you know, a mawkish sentimentality and all that. You talk about it so often. We talk about it on this show now. But I'll tell you now, there was an interview when Matt Baker spoke to him about bullying, Matt Baker said, actually I was bullied at school and that section

is one of the most spectacular pieces of television I've ever seen. There you go. iPlayer. BBC. My friends. So, the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise.

We'll be back again this time next week. Thank you, Steve, so much. Always a welcome addition to the show. And now, both you and the audience get out