The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - IRL

Episode Date: April 30, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank, Emily and Alun are back together. They discuss Frank's holiday, a mutant Frog and his love of his own artwork. The team also chat Grayson Perry v Bear Grylls and the Sheep Dog that travelled 240 miles home.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Lovely to have you back, Big Daddy. I miss you. Thank you so much. Welcome back. Thank you.

It's only a while a week. Yeah. Always feels a long time to me. Oh. Did you have a nice time? Um, what did I do? We've all gone very polite with each other. Oh, I did.

I went to, um, Disneyland Paris. You actually went? Because you know there was a little... I've heard there was talk. There was talk that you might be about to be appointed as a new Doctor Who assistant. When you say there was talk, it was the most disappointing moment of my entire life.

And I've had some, trust me. What a privilege. We got very excited, didn't we, Al? Yeah. And it was partly your own fault, you know, because there was a point the week before where Daisy had said, oh, you're not in next week because you're going on holiday. And you went, am I?

Really unbelievable. We should say for anyone... That's all day. It's rather than crack jobs in the BBC. I find the two don't go together. For anyone that doesn't know what we're talking about, they announced the new Doctor Who assistant and we worked ourselves up into a frenzy,

and we decided it was Frank. And we based this on the fact that you'd had your teeth whitened. Yeah, it all makes sense. They look a bit more 21st century. I could have been a companion from medieval times that he'd picked up. Which is ironic, because in my memory, people in Doctor Who are known for their quite yellowy 70s teeth. Well, William hartnell's

teeth i mean they were disgusting they were really awful that would have been a lovely gig for you by the way speaking of the tea thing um when would you say the bleaching of teeth began as a uh as a practice um it's pretty recent isn't it no i would say people in the 40s and 50s would have done it in the 1940s i would say my guess is last 10 years but i'll bet there is some history in there why i'll tell you why i question this well i don't know what year it was made but i was watching shrek the other night and the donkey so it was after you've caught up with broadchurch i have seen shrek before okay and dot and donkey says to the is that after you've caught up with Broadchurch? Shrek! I have seen Shrek before. And donkey says to the dragon,

you've got lovely white teeth, do you bleach? And I thought it hadn't even started in those days. Right, yeah. No. Bear in mind that, you know, Shrek is set in, I think, medieval England. That's true. In terms of things that aren't realistic though in shrek yeah i suppose i think there's a lot of things which might come above that yeah but i just didn't know that even

when shrek was made that they then people bleached their teeth bleaching teeth jokes existed like yeah yeah i know what you mean can i say yours are looking great frank it's really paid off i think they're reverting to the wild a bit do you you not? I looked the other day and thought, you know, they're going, but this is how it happens. This is how Jimmy Carr happens. You look in the mirror and think they're not super white. Maybe I'll do another 12 weeks of bleaching and next thing you know

they're luminescent. But I'm picking, I just name him as a, for example. This is, it's not a witch hunt. I feel a bit bad that we're on radio and we're discussing the shade of your teeth now it's sort of uh feels like we're excluding the uh you know the listenership oh okay i'm sorry i'll take a picture oh yeah we could tweet frank's teeth terrible if that happened speaking of the i was on a train last week to glasgow and uh these two women from the staff

come up to me and said uh the girl who just served you she's one of your readers oh lovely which is what we call the people listen to this show if you're if you're a newcomer so um she she came over again and i and it was very nice and we chatted. And when the lunch came around, she gave me quite a lot more chocolate than everyone else. Oh, wow. See, you can keep your awards. That's what I want. That's real, isn't it? I mean, that's fantastic.

Yeah. I love that. That's love that you can hold. Yeah. And eat. And indeed eat. Oh, man. You love can hold. Yeah. And eat. And indeed eat. I mean, you love free stuff. Yeah, it was really...

And it was quite a long journey. It's like a five-hour journey. And I had a pile of chocolate on the table, which I steadily picked up. Just after bleaching his teeth. Augustus Gloop. Yeah, it's not helping with the teeth. I was watching the snooker last night,

because Kath wasn't in, so I was sitting on I was watching the snooker last night because Kath wasn't in so I was sitting on my own watching the snooker depressing much? that's why it's depressing evening I just got really jealous I love the snooker did you have your feet up on that coffee table with socks on

I did and can I tell you I had a big coin from Starbucks a big chocolate coin see I had a big coin from Starbucks. A big chocolate coin. See, I love a Starbucks coin. Yeah. Well, for many years, it was the only coins they were actually handing over in this country.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in, Frank, from 839. Oh, yeah. Tony and Sam on the way to Harley Street to fit air conditioning. That's... What? Can't wait till three for the bank holiday to start, so they're working on the air con until three.

That'll be the flatulence clinic. I don't know myself. I mean, it's... it's unhealthy. Enjoy Harley Street and say hello to my friends. Have you got friends in Harley Street? Have I got friends in Harley Street? It's great. I like that, though. Because often when, in the early days of this show, Daisy, the producer, used to try and force me to say to people,

where are you listening to the show? No. You know, like a proper DJ. I think what happened there was... And people also, when I'm sitting at home in a pile of vomit, we had like 12, 15 of those. I think she probably said it once, when there was

a 20 minute anecdote about someone in Doctor Who. She pressed it every week. But that's a great one. On my way to Harley Street to fit air conditioning. I'll be honest, I think... Left it light in Harley Street for air conditioning. I think one of the really early morning shows may have asked people why you were up at this time.

Oh, my gosh, it wasn't even meant for us. It was meant for us, but we're having it. I'll eat the crumbs off their table. We'll eat... Yeah, we'll have it. Not proud, are we? No. I mean, it's that or Doctor Who anecdotes let's face it all right all right i wasn't here last week he talks about doctor who for the whole show that's a good point well we

got so excited on your behalf i thought you were going to be the assistant that would have changed things totally well david baddiel was telling me that his kids they decided that there was going to be a peter capaldi was leaving there was going to be... Peter Capaldi was leaving, there was going to be a female, a young female Doctor Who. Ah. And I was going to be the older assistant, the old man assistant to her. That would work.

Yeah. A bit Mr Miyagi. Is that his name? Miyagi. Yeah. From the traffic hood. Yeah, well, you'd know that, of course, Mr Martial Arts. Yeah.

Anyway... The level of disappointment I felt when they announced it, it was absolutely crushing. Yeah, but you're making me feel like I've let you down in some way. Well. What would you say? I would love it. Anyway. Did they approach you?

What do you think? Yeah, they approached me and I said, no, I'm busy. Doing the radio show. I think they've missed the trick. Yes. Well, what can I tell you? It's tadpole season. Is it?

Yeah. And I took my son out with Annette. Do you know Annette? No, she sounds nice, though. With Annette to go scooping tadpoles. Oh, lovely. Where did you go for that, though, Frank? On the heath? I went to the peace garden in my road. Well, you spent a lot of years there, from what I've heard.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, there's a peace garden. You know, they have tinkling chimes and things. Oh. You know those? You know what a tinkling chime is? Yeah. They've got those. There was a thing in gardens. And people, you know, tie tinkling chime is? Yeah. They got those. It was a thing in gardens. And people, you know, tie prayers to trees.

It's lovely. Anyway, I went in there and me and my son, Buzz, we were, it was nearly four, we were going at it with this fishing rod, not getting anything other than dirt and stuff. And then I pulled out this wow it was a frog it certainly had been a frog it had burst it looked like it had burst and and it was in what looked a bit like frog spawn but also looks a bit like an elaborate wedding gown was splitting out the side it was the scariest thing oh honestly how

did you explain this to buzz well exactly i pulled it out in the net i was horrified it smelled terribly honestly like a monster boss was so boss was soished, he just stepped into the pond. He just stepped straight into the pond. He hadn't got Wellington's on or anything. He got soaked and burst into tears. Oh, man. Oh, how he laughed. Frank, that sounds extraordinary. It's really, I mean, it's horrible.

I don't know, I've always had an affection for the amphibian community. I have, but I've never seen one. I tried to take a picture of it, but it's a bit like... You know the Native Americans think if you take their photo, you take their soul away? Yeah. It's got an element of that. The picture's almost like the thing's refusing to be photographed.

I'll give it to post if anyone knows what's happened. But it's like Frogspawn has become a part frog, half man, half frogspawn. Remember that band? Love their early stuff. Yes, I'll put a photo up, but it's, I don't want

to be arrested in the missing frog bride case, if that's a big thing. But I've never been so frightened. Honestly. Well, twice. Never been so frightened with my clothes on. Certainly.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've put the frog up online. If it is a frog. It could be an alien. Well, there's some theories out there, aren't there? There are various theories.

And actually, not a theory, but I would say a wagging finger at you, Frank, actually. Really? Yeah. 354 has said, Frank, if you're horrified at the sight of a deformed frog, how can you ever hope to be a Doctor Who assistant? You'd be the first sidekick to never leave the TARDIS.

Does the TARDIS have a sofa to hide behind? That is a good point, 354. I never hid behind the sofa. I know that's the tradition for Doctor Who. But our sofa was flush with the wall. So I'd have had to have gone around the back entry. And in fairness to you, that's the kind of feng shui that can encourage bravery in a young man.

There you go. In fairness to Frank, he hadn't professed any ambition to be the Doctor Who assistant. It was that we had decided this was the thing that was definitely happening. But obviously I would like to be the top ten

it's not going to happen Frank you tried that method before and it got you a part in it you got Perkins be happy I'm happy but you're right as a test if it was a test maybe I was still in the frame until the frog came

they planted that some hidden cameras I wonder now, having seen the picture where it's still slightly obscured by water, if I should not get a dinner plate underneath it and hoist it out so you can see it's full. It's absolutely terrifying. Don't get involved

in relationships like that. 766 has a theory about this. I think I should read it as the lady. Yeah, if you like. Hi, Frank. It probably was a female frog that had been drowned while several males tried to mate with her.

Keep it light. Yeah. 776. It's called a plexus. A plexus beginning with an A? Yes, that's from Jan. Well, I've never heard of that before. No.

Can they drown? A frog? Well, you've seen the evidence. It seems a design flaw in the animal, doesn't it? It is. Well, don't live down there if you can drown. I mean, that's your manner. See, that's again worried me because when I live with David Baddiel

and his cat used to bring frogs into the house, still alive, and torture them in the night. And they go... Frogs when they're distressed. So I just picked one up and put it down the toilet. Because I thought... You didn't. Well, I thought that would just swim to safety now.

It's natural. Such a 1970s Birmingham approach. I honestly thought I was doing it a good... I had rescued it from being tortured by a cat, don't forget. Let's get the whole story. You don't think it's now come back. It's re-emerged in the Peace Garden. Mutated by human excrement into a frog bride.

Enjoy your breakfast. Yeah, exactly. Can I just say, I love that grudge-bearing frog. It's a great revenge story. He's come back to haunt you. The fact that it's come back in a sort of Elvis Presley cloak. That's, oh, honestly, it was a scary thing. I feel bad now if I've, I haven't done anything bad.

No. Honestly, it's so hard being a white middle-aged man in modern Britain. It's constant guilt trip. Constantly asking myself if I've done a bad thing. I don't see the hard bit there. Especially if you're rich. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. Did other people use the word spawney to mean lucky? Is that like a... Is that a thing where I grew up and... I've never heard that. Oh, really? That was a really... Jammy, we might say. Oh, yeah, in the same way as that,

we would have said you spawney get at school if somebody had something really good. Like, I just... Because of the frog spawn conversation, it made me wonder. What was that school dinner dessert That everybody called frog spawn Tapioca pudding Was it tapioca pudding

Ah yes Just made me hungry that By the way, BTW As I would say on a text IRL, IRL's bad isn't it What's IRL If you're over 40 you can't use IRL It's embarrassing's bad, isn't it? What's IRL? If you're over 40, you can't use IRL. It's embarrassing.

In real life. Oh. I can't wait to meet IRL. I don't think I can... I don't have many dealings with IRL. I, for example, I started... Somebody for my birthday bought me a £250 voucher for a local art school. Oh.

To pay for a course, so I started my course. Wow. That's nice, Frank, because you've got your art show, haven't you? I've got my little art show. Yeah. Little art show. Yeah, so I did something I haven't, I don't think I've done since I was 14. I picked up a piece of charcoal.

I didn't know people still used it. I mean, the charcoal I was using was probably a healthy tree when I was at school. You see, that's a point. Charcoal, when you use charcoal to draw, is that trees that have been petrified over time? Or have they just burnt trees do they just make it happen i don't know i only use it on the fire do you use what do you i don't know i don't know is that isn't that what you put on it i don't know much about charcoal it's not my area i don't know about your culture it's really not my culture charcoal i'm a strange person to

ask that question too let's be honest. Well, I'll tell you why I mention it, because I did... So I went to my first class, and I hadn't drawn properly since I was at school. I've had a couple of attempts to learn again, but they both, like, died after two lessons. Right. But I thought, you know, I've got a 12-week course here I've been bought,

so I went along. Ali always has to get his value for money, VFM. Oh, yeah. And I thought, you know, I've got a 12-week course here I've been bought, so I went along. Ali always has to get his value for money, VFM. Oh, yeah. And I like that in him. So, I did some drawings with charcoal. Uh-huh. And this is one lesson, my first lesson. I've already framed two of them.

Wow. Have I gone a bit early? Straight in at the... That's worth framing, I'm having that. Yeah? Straight in. Yeah. I thought, no, I'm going to frame that. This is like a story about baking and doing one amazing thing and then quitting.

That's it, maybe I can't go back. He's the opposite of the sort of tortured Franz Kafka burn everything I ever wrote genius. Yes. He's like, frame it immediately, my first attempt. My first class, I want wrote, genius. He's like, frame it immediately, my first attempt. My first class, two things framed. But I did take a photo of one of them to show you. And I thought, I really like it. Obviously, I've had it framed.

But it slightly undermined the photo. I cannot believe you framed it. I know. mind the photo but i cannot believe you i know but um i um i put it on the floor to photograph it so i didn't get any glare on the glass and i've slightly undermined the art but you can clearly see in the photo i'm at home and i'm wearing those white towelling hotel slippers with black socks. Which does undermine it. But I have taken a photo of one of my framed... I'm enjoying your saved photos this week.

Yeah, yeah, we'll scroll through from the frog spawn. But you know the, you know, no picture, no story thing that people say? No. Are you referring to photos or it didn't happen? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, okay. So I thought I'd better... Pictures or it didn't happen? Yeah, exactly. So I thought I'd better... Pictures or it didn't happen. Do you not know that? Pictures or it didn't happen.

What are you guys talking about? I'm afraid that's what the modern world is like, that nobody believes anybody. They say pictures or it didn't happen. If you tell a story on social network, about, for example... It's social network! Isn't that what it's called?

Social media. Oh, yeah. If you tell a picture on... Tell a picture? Tell a story, darling. If you tell a story on the social media... Yeah. Yeah?

People will say... Well, they just won't believe you unless you've got photographic evidence. That was like Charles Pickles trying to explain what Twitter was about. But if this isn't an example of a secular, non-believing age... LAUGHTER It's that moment. I hate that.

It's like when cricketers used to go to the rope and they'd turn to the umpire and say whether the ball had gone for four or not. And now it has to be done with cameras because they don't trust them. What's happened to the world? What about a countdown? If you say, I've got the same word, you have to show it. Yeah. What you've written down to the other person. They do, they say there it is.

They say, well, okay, I arrived at that conclusion in the same way. And then they sort of vaguely wave the paper, but they never actually show it. I'd like it if someone said, okay, yeah, we'll have a look. Yeah, well, see, you've taken the opposite turn. I'm trying to find more trust. You're saying that a man should get an abacus out to check the goddamn thing. Show us your charcoals, Frank.

Pardon? Show us your charcoals. I will in a minute, but, you know, we're on commercial radio. We have certain obligations to sell. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 576 got in touch about your charcoal.

Was it once a tree? Was it something? Well, I wasn't sure. I know it was a tree, but I wasn't sure whether trees are, you know, they're under lots of ground, and so they go, turn to charcoal in a sort of petrifying way. Or if people just get trees and set fire to them

and then do drawing with it. Right. 576, rather, has gone beyond the wagging finger tone that somebody took with you earlier and said, Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. Read charcoal. They burn at you numpty. Petrified trees are stone doy

i don't know i like that it starts with a high yeah and then goes there it gets a bit worse from there granted yeah it's a bit like being i think i like to think numpty was the ramp into the anger i think it's a term of endearment i think it's all right and also they've said cheers five seven six so they know the lingo of the show though i think they're involved it's a term of endearment. I think nompty's all right. And also they've said cheers 576, so they know the lingo of the show. It's fine. I'm not upset with nompty. However, are petrified trees stone? I will petrification...

Can I just say, is that one of our other very commercial radio texts? Yeah, but do you ever used to get those trilobites at school? Is that what they were called? Those fossils? They'd turn to stone from being... That's what diamonds are, isn't it? Diamonds are forever. Oh, yeah. This conversation's getting more interesting now. I think diamonds are

stones under tremendous pressure. That's what I think. Right. Okay. Oh, God. What's happened to this show um so what else i'll tell you what happened or what didn't happen in disneyland this is a historic moment it's the first holiday we went for four nights to disneyland it was great i'd recommend it to anyone disneyland par Anyone. Late review out. Anyone.

What, stag doos? They've got this, like, a mouse that lives there with the big black ears. Amazing. No, it was great. Just to clarify, you'd recommend it to anyone? Hen doos go there. If Leicester City win, that's where you'd recommend it to them? Definitely.

OK. That's a Mickey Mouse team if ever I heard of one. Get out, Bernard. No, Wyatt. Oh, I one. Get out, Bernard. No, Wyatt. Oh, I'm dead. Sorry, everyone. Anyway, so me and Kath went away, and it's the first time. We've been on holiday, I would say, 60 times in our room.

We've been together 15 years. With breaks! And and we didn't have an argument for the whole. Isn't that lovely? We didn't have an argument. Now why was that? Separate accommodation?

Why do you think that was? I think it was partly because our son was slightly monstrous at times. Divide and conquer. Well, you need a demonised insider in the group. It was the way that Hitler brought together, ultimately, Stalin, Roosevelt and Churchill by his terrible behaviour. That's what I do on this show.

If there's any couples listening, all you need is a common enemy. Don't get me wrong, I love our child very much, but he just had a bit of... Was he behaving like talent? He was a bit behaving like talent, which is a slight worry that he's not learning from me. Oh, he's learning from you.

Yeah, exactly. Well, that not learning from me. Oh, he's learning from you. Yeah, exactly. Well, that is what worries me. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a tweet from Lorna. She says Kath's going to love that above the fireplace. I won't tell you what she's referring to.

Yeah. She says, hashtag, wish I could draw draw two so i think that's a compliment it sounds like a compliment from a distance oh i don't know oh the voice negativity i wasn't i wasn't no i think she might have been negative. Oh, I wish I could draw, too. Like you. Like you wish you could draw. Well, let's give her that. You know what? I think we're overanalyzing this somewhat.

Yes, you're right. You think? So, look, let me tell you. I want to run something by you. Yeah. Emily came visiting the other night. Oh, yes. It was lovely.

I brought my friend John. We had a nice day. Sounds nice. Oh, no, John. I brought my friend John. We had a nice day. Sounds nice. Oh, no John, no John. So they came visiting and it was we sat and there was, I think we made

tea. Yes. And all that. It was all, me and Kath went for many years. We never had guests of any kind. Really. And then since we've had a child, we've tried to open our lives a little bit. Yes. And I thought it all went very well.

It was a very enjoyable evening. It was great. Yeah. And then I thought I committed a social faux pas. OK. And I don't know if Emily picked up on it or not. I'll tell you. And here's the thing.

When I saw them out, and when I said goodbye and closed the door, I became aware of the fact that I was putting the bolt on while they were still in earshot. Does that feel like a statement? I've got them out. I'm taking near risk. It's a scuffle one. I didn't mean anything.

Did you hear it? No, I didn't. Oh, you got away with that. That is a bit Nicholas Nickleby. I don't like that. No, I felt when I did it, I thought I should have let him get to the end of the path. Can I tell you what you do, which I like? Everything.

Can you save it till after this? Because we're going to further news. Because that's something I want to that's my idea of a teaser a woman saying you know what you do that I like You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio Across the UK on digital radio mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean

and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio webby. Hey. Now, we left on a cliffhanger. Yeah, I was going to say Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio, where be. Who? Now, we left on a- A cliffhanger. Yeah, I was gonna say coat hanger.

Ricky laughs Steve and Steve talk No, we didn't, we didn't leave on a cliffhanger. You've come to my aid. Was I- what was I gonna tell you? You were gonna s- You were gonna tell me what you really liked about me. Ricky laughs Steve and Steve laugh I've forgotten.

Oh, darn. I genuinely can't remember what I liked about you. Oh. So you're gonna have- Yeah, well, You're not the first woman to tell me that. It was... I will remember. It was as a house visitor. Yeah, but I can't remember what it was he did.

Is he offering you tea? Oh, he always offers me tea. He gets angry about the coasters, but that's the little imperfection with Frank. They're such a good band. And also that's the imperfection in the little Persianian rug frank your coaster thing yes well what you think other than that he's perfect pretty much that's amazing i'm going to i've never been to your house so i wouldn't know what you're like well you're welcome so embarrassing but you live in uh you know far

away oh my just uh thank you so, I remembered what I liked about you. I knew we'd get there. Oh, was it my Morrissey impression? No. It was the way you are very old-fashioned and you walk your guest to the door. Isn't that the norm? And then you bolt it.

And then I bolt it, yeah. No, Frank's very insistent. I'd always let myself out. Would you? Yeah. Would you not? So independent. Well, I am.

I always think people might be tempted to nick something on the way out. Yeah. Because we're spending... What, some of your old clerk's shoes? Well, you know, we spend so much time, don't we, when we queue at things, and there's things there at the last minute before you get to the... I like that your clerk's shoes are like Haribo's. No, no, no, no, no.

Do you like it, me Clark? Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Do you like it, me Clark? Do you remember that? No. What is that? Well, it's a song about Clark's shoes. It's a song you should know.

No, it's from the Caribbean. Oh, OK. Am I right, Daisy? Daisy introduced me to it. It's a song about how brilliant Clark's shoes are. It's the the Caribbean. Oh, OK. Am I right, Daisy? Daisy introduced me to it. It's a song about how brilliant Clark's shoes are. It's the urban correspondent. What is that bit? How does that go, Daisy, remember?

No. It's sort of... I think she might. I felt that no was quite a classic. Yes, let me wind up me waist. Up, down, top, right. Ba-da, ba-da. Till I get me Clark. Up, down, top, right and... Ba-da, ba-da. Do you like it, me clerk?

Are you drunk? I'm just... Is it OK, this? I'm just wondering. It's weird. It's OK to do West Indian accent. I think it's OK. It's done with affection. Now, what about Grayson Perry? I don't think he's West Indian.

Well, I'll have a go. Is he Northern? No, he's from Essex, isn't he? You see, in the old days, you'd have said, what about Grayson Perry? I'd have said, I'll have a go. Well, I know No, he's from Essex isn't he? You see in the old days you'd have said what about Grayson period and said I'll have a go. Well, I know it but you can't. No you can't. That's nice to get yourself in loads of hot water. I'm glad you can't.

I'm glad it's gone. He's fallen out with Bear Grylls. I don't think, yeah he's criticised, he's certainly criticised. I don't think they know each other personally that they've fallen out like that, pals. Oh, they're from different worlds. Probably media pals.

Different parts of the zoo. It'd be great if they hung out. He's not going to be in the bear enclosure, is he? When I first saw those photos of, I think it was in the Ivy restaurant, Graham Souness dining out with Dale Winton. When two worlds collide like that, it's so brilliant. I'd love just to see Grayson Perry and Bear Grylls.

I would. At a... Or maybe at a grill. Yeah. Yeah, why not? Well, yeah. Just to make up the numbers, maybe a bit of a Razor Riddick. I'd like that.

But Razor Riddick and Bear Grylls. Oh, they'd get on. Him and Grayson Perry wouldn't, yeah. I imagine he could work on Razor Riddick as a part ranger. Just, you know, just patrolling his... His what? His body. Yeah, yeah.

His ample body. Just keep... I'm just going to... I don't know how he talks, Bear Grylls. I've never seen one of his shows. He, yeah. His ample body. Yeah. Just keep... I'm just going... I'm just going to... I don't know how he talks, Bear Grylls. I've never seen one of his shows. He's fantastically posh. Is he? He is very posh.

I'm just going to take a look at the armpits. Yeah. Be back in about ten minutes. Okay. Ciao. That's pretty close to the voice that you need for him. I've never even seen one of his programs. Real name not Bear.

Is that right? We'll come back to that. Yeah, we will. Okay. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Is that right? We'll come back to that. Yeah, we will. Okay. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Grayson Perry has got some beef with Bear. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And... And we don't mean they're having a barbecue or a steak supper. So, um, Bear's name isn't Bear. No, it's Edward.

So, where did Bear come from? Teddy Bear? Well, no, it was a steak supper. So, um, Bear's name isn't Bear. No, it's Edward. So where did Bear come from? Teddy Bear? Well, no, it was a childhood nickname. But what I would say is, you've got to cast these things aside. I'm not called Poodle Dean anymore. Oh, is that your nickname? Yeah. Oh. My best friend still calls me that.

Really? I never, I only, I haven't had one nickname. I was called Slim. Slim. Because I was Slim. Can I pay you for that nickname? Yeah. Only if I can have poodle. Hmm.

Um. His sister gave him the name after a week. Oh, I'm a bit let down that he's not really called Bear. Yeah. Oh, well. Well, he's been called Bear since he was one year old. One week. One week. Was it one week?

Yeah His sister called him bear His sister called him bear after a week What if he'd gone into the meditation business and become a yogi? Yogi bear Be yogi bear girl That would have really undermined people who went to him for spiritual teaching Well this is how posh he is

I looked on his Wikipedia and there's a button for ancestry. I mean, that is next level posh, isn't it? Yes. When people have got ancestry on their Wikipedia and then it's pages and pages back. I think the parents are titled. He actually goes right back to Winnie the Pooh. That's proper, isn't it? That's fantastic. That is real ancestry.

Well, I've never seen his work, but I know the kind of man he is. I mean, I'll be honest, you can be critical, but I wish I had him with me when I found that frog. Yeah. If it was a choice between him and Grayson Perry at my elbow when I found the frog. Grayson flapping around in a kimono. We need bear for these masses.

Exactly. This is my problem with this little tiff. I'm going to call it a tiff. Okay. I like both of these men, and I think they both, in a way, represent manliness, because that's what Grayson Perry said, that the Bear Grylls sort of mode of macho manliness is actually useless in the modern world, that's what he said. Well, that's, that's, I know you'd be unhappy with that.

No, I like both of these guys. You're the macho person, I know you'd be unhappy with that. No, I like both of these guys. You're the macho person, I know. I am not. You are. You keep saying that, but I'm the least macho person. You're learning to kill people with your bare hands. I mean, when I say bare hands, I actually mean his bare hands, not his Edward hands. I've actually got bare grills.

Edward Scissorhands. Edward Scissorhands would have been known as Bearhands if he'd been born in that family. He would have. Yeah. I think Bear should stay as he is. He's climbed Mount Everest. That's not useless. I agree with Alan.

I really like Grayson. Grayson Perry's pots are absolutely lovely. Mm-hmm. And brilliant in many ways. Yes. And I like his... However, I don't agree. I like Grayson Perry,

but I don't feel that I would want to watch... He suggested at one point, he said, you know, I want to see Bear Grylls looking for an affordable state school for his child. I don't. That's not interesting television. Bear is filling out an online form at gov.uk. No, thank you. I want to see him wrestle alligators. You do what you

do, Grayson. Bear does what he does. I'd like to watch Bear wrestle a devil dog. Would you? I'd like to watch Bear drink. But just not in the jungle, in like a council flat somewhere. Wrestle a devil dog. That'd be brilliant. That's what I mean. Make it a bit more urban. Yeah. I'd just like

to see him get around in a rough pub. He's that posh. That might be beyond him. I'll be quite honest. I'd quite like to watch him get around in a rough pub. He's that posh. That might be beyond him. I'll be quite honest, I'd quite like to watch a bad girl's take a shower. I'm pretty sure that's happened on some of his shows. Just, you know, just because I have a basic interest in the human form. I'd join you. Yeah. I'll make one in.

Do you want to watch that? Let's go. Sounds like a dinner party. I'll bring me charcoal. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. I know it wouldn't. Do you want one? Let's go. Sounds like a dinner party. I'll bring me charcoal. What about when Bear made a sleeping bag out of a sheep carcass? Did he? Yeah. He slept in it.

It's not some old pot. He made an actual sleeping bag. Of course he slept in it. He's done all sorts. He's drunk urine of all sorts. I know he slept in a dead, um, crocodile. Right. Yeah. And, um. At least while the cameras were running. Some of his naysayers would say, then he climbs out of it and he goes to a motel round the corner. That's, I'm just playing devil's advocate here. He's got a bit Arge's sister in the marathon.

It was watched, watched by, uh by this bloke called Lacoste. Oh, yeah. And he thought it was something in there. Sounds good. It's difficult, the manliness thing, isn't it? Because it can be a bit horrible. It's ever so difficult. Yeah, but I like a man who looks under my car bonnet.

Well, I can see the appeal of that. Yeah. And gets the barbecue going with the charcoal. You know, when I talked to Alan about the martial arts, I was saying I'd like to be able to beat people up. I'll tell you why. Because I think I'd be a very discerning brutalist. Yes.

I would only beat up people who I thought would genuinely benefit from it on a spiritual and intellectual behavioural level. Can I give you a list? But, you know, we've all seen people. I've got a few. There's people where you think, well, I can't imagine with this person them benefiting from anything that a real good hiding.

And, of course, I'm not a man capable of dishing it out. It's very frustrating. This is, of course, the great joy of weaponry. Don't say that. No, I think... When you say weaponry, are you referring to the fact that your dad told you to put a little bit of salt in your pocket to throw at people?

Well, I've never done that, but, yeah, he used to keep salt in his pocket for blinding purposes if he was approached after dark. Yeah? You know, he was a different... He came from a different age, my dad. I read this article of Grayson versus Bear on the Daily Mail, and I did... Grayson versus Bear. I did make the mistake of looking at the comments, and I know we don't really talk about Daily Mail comments,

but to the people that said that I think I know who would win in a fight, I think they might have missed the point that Grayson was making there. Yeah, who'd win in an art competition? Yeah. Well, we don't know, do we? Yeah, but I don't think I'll ever be in a situation in my life where I'll think, come on, we've got to win that art competition. Well, I think I'm moving towards it headlong.

I just think, I'm in Camp Bear at the moment. I'm Team Bear on this. Are you? Well, I love Grayson Perry, but I just would like to defend the bear because, not just because he's posh, that's obviously part of it, but I feel that Grayson was saying, you know, men need to get more in touch with their emotions and this is part of the problem

and they need to open up more and make themselves vulnerable. And then he dismissed him as useless. That's not very nice. Well, I think you can have both. I think I've got a bit of Bear and a bit of Perry. Last night, for example, I was in on my own. I watched three hours of snooker john wayne in tall in the saddle but i still when i stood up to get ready for bed i noticed that i

naturally stood in what the ballerinas call fourth position so i think you don't have to be but i mean they are maybe they're the two extremes i I don't know. Yes, that is it. All men occupy a point somewhere in between Grayson Perry and Bear Grylls, don't they? On a good night. What a party that was. But you know what? He hasn't made enough out of his name, Frank. Grayson Perry?

No, Bear. There's so many documentaries we could commission off the strength of that Bear name. Follow the Bear. Oh! Obviously. Laid laid bear we'd watch that one i wonder if he's ever done any photo bombing and the person in the picture looked at it and went oh i've got a bear behind you know bear behind oh sorry everyone

well i um i danced with my son um yesterday morning we danced to king of the swingers oh yeah and intermittently he stopped and fired his um thai automatic rifle into the ceiling between dancing that to me it's like living with the mexican banditos or elvis yeah but um that to me is what masculinity is all about musical theater theatre and firearms. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I received two letters

this morning. What was it? I'm a bit confused by one because it says it's from Writers Retreat in New Zealand and then the letter suggests it's from writers retreat in New Zealand and then the letter suggests it's from Durham the envelope ok is it from the bishop it's from

it's from I look into the produce of help and I'm getting zero it's from a guy called Miles whose surname I'll tell you later and he sent me... It looks like, unless I'm reading this incorrectly,

he has invented a ruler. Oh. He's called Miles Hodson. And it's a ruler, and he sent it to me, and it's got, like, a slit down the middle where you put the pencil instead of running it against the edge. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Well, I might have to have an investigation.

What's that for, though? What does that achieve, that a ruler doesn't... I'm not having a go at miles. It's a best-fit-line ruler. So, you know sometimes when you draw against a ruler and you sort of go slightly off the edge? Best-fit-line ruler? I bet that's a corporate awards deal. You might get some work there. Yeah, do you think so?

So, I think it might come in handy for my art. Oh, yeah? In fact, I might put one of my vases on a little table I can draw with a ruler. Nice. Anyway, thanks for that. I'm always... It's actually...

I thought it was some kind of geometry tool that he'd sent you. Well, it is. You can draw a straight line with it. Do you want rulers in fine art, though? Oh, yeah, there's still years for rulers. Oh, I don't think Gauguin used rulers. He used imagination. David Hockney did. Tape my word for it.

And masking tape. They'll throw it all in now. We're going to run through all the stuff that David Hockney used? No. Can that be our texting this morning? What materials did David Hockney use? That's our texting. We're carrying on until we've got everyone on the list.

Go for it. I've got 39 on my list. I want them all to be. I also heard from a bloke called Dan, who tells me, I didn't know this, that it's National Stationery Week, and one of my great loves is stationery. You love stationery. And I got a little package, I don't mind who knows it, this morning,

oh, with pencils and pads, oh, honestly, I felt... It was like Christmas when you, like, ate. It was that creamy, yeah? Start of the new term. I love it, Frank. Oh, stationery, stationery, stationery. I've half a mind to go out and blow two quid on a protractor. So glad you said that. It's all about degrees, of course. Very good.

I feel it's gone a bit flat. Why? And I'd like to end it. You can't just say that. You can't just say in the middle of our... We're all talking and you just give a review. I'm talking about the joy of a ruler and how much you love a pencil and a pen.

When I say the joy of... Someone who's now tuned in will think I'm talking about Hitler. The joy of a nice straight ruler. But no, I'm talking about geometry, for God's sake. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I just said to Emily that we'll do this link

and then I'll lend her my phone charger. I said, bear with. You know, like they do in offices. Bear with. He does a survival show. Yeah, he does the spin-off thing. Watch TV. I've had an audition this week. You know, sometimes I dabble in the world of acting, guys. Well, just lately.

He's been in Coronation Street and all sorts. Well, it's coming up, that, yeah, it's coming up. When's it on? Yeah, when is it on? Oh, we're such people in the street watching filming, aren't we? June! June! June!

You know, it said Alan Cochran. Hold on a minute, I'll do one more. June! It's Terry Scott in Terry and June. Oh, yeah. Is it? Yeah. You know, it said Alan Cochran joins Coronation Street on the internet,

and actually it was just, you know, one day. One day of filming. He's still doing them. Well, exactly. Very temporarily. Anyway, had an audition that... Might be more if you're good, Al. I don't want to overstate this,

and I don't even know if I'll get the job in question, but... Well, one never does, do you? It doesn't matter to me, because it's about what it represents. This casting that I went up for, I think, was the first day of the rest of my life. Whoa, this is exciting. Oh, my word. I auditioned for a role of a dad in a sitcom. I've never auditioned as a dad before.

In fact, the last time we talked about me in a sitcom, it was when I did Boomers, and I played a son of one of the central characters so i've gone for that i've grown up in the in the mind of a casting director do you see what i'm talking about some time ago i mean i don't think you're a son material no i was i was just this time last year i was the son in in boomers and and now here i, here I am. Strangery. But, I mean, if I can get a role as a dad in a sitcom, I reckon I've got 20 years to milk that, don't you think? Because I really missed out on my 20s as being an actor. Yes. And now I think, ka-ching. Yeah? You're both looking like this is not a story.

This is big news to me. Well, I'm just surprised that you've been playing young children up until this point okay but i think dad roles in sitcoms that people really milk those don't they stay around you can be you can be a sitcom dad for a long time if it works definitely that'd be so much easier than stand-up yeah i mean that'd be really getting into this acting thing well i wouldn't go i say that trace of bitterness in my voice. I'm just saying who was there first. Ironically, I'm not offered dad roles anymore,

even though I am one in the real... What is it? I-R... I-R-L. I am a dad I-R-L, but I look too old to be a dad in a sitcom. Right. Well, what sort of roles are you offered, Frank?

I was offered... Who was that... Engineer on a TARDIS. Who was that busty blonde model who married a man in his 90s? Oh, yeah. Uh, poor, poor she married, yeah, Anna Nicole Smith. Yeah, what was he called? Jay Howard. Jay Howard Marshall.

Yeah, that's, that's who I'm playing in my next thing. Oh, right. I got down to the last two for the boyfriend role in Miranda, but I'm not a boyfriend, I don't think, so. You two, we can't just talk about parts we didn't get, because, frankly, I'll be here all morning. No, you're quite right. But that's...

So, when will you know? I don't know. I don't know. I might never know. I might never know. And is it going to be a high... When it's on, and you're not in it. That's a good point, yeah. I hadn't thought about that. So, if you don't get it, in the unlikely event that you don't get it, who would you say that you don't get it,

who would you say they would pick? Gary Barlow, that's what I think. No, because he got the last one. Let's say a proper actor. Or some Mancunian chancer. Lovely as he is. Craig Cash? Yeah, maybe. I've no idea.

But he's a good example, isn't he? He was in that for a good chunk. Craig David? Craig David, yeah. Me and Craig David are in the same casting bracket, definitely. Yeah, I'm trying to think of another Craig. Any ideas? Craig Revel Horwood.

Craig Revel Horwood. Oh, lovely. If he gets it... Yeah, there's definitely something wrong with the... CRH? Well, I was asked to do Hole in the Wall and turn it down and they gave it to Anton de Becque. That means, in a list of people to offer,

me and Anton de Beck are shoulder to shoulder. I'm proud of that as long as we're not tangoing. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So there's a recurring motif on this show, isn't there,

of late reviews. I think it started when you gave your thoughts on a this show, isn't there, of late reviews. I think it started when you gave your thoughts on a Beatles album, wasn't it? Oh, yes. I don't know. Anyway. It was something to do with George Harrison, I recall. I have ticked something off a list that I've been meaning to do for a long time. And worse than that, it's a thing that people have assumed that I've already done.

You know, for years I've been telling people I've never seen the film Kez, and everyone thinks of course you have. I watched it this week. See, that became a bit of a catchphrase of yours, I've never seen Kez. I'm amazed that you actually now have done it and killed that off. Well, I'm going to tell the truth.

A guy at the martial arts club... It's like Richard Wilson suddenly believing it. Yeah. Yeah yeah. I'll tell you the truth quite a powerful grappler at the martial arts club that I go to lent it to me and I felt so scared that I had to watch it. I don't want him choking me because I haven't given him

his DVD back do I? It's like Duncan Norvell saying actually don't pursue me on. Oh I loved it. He was funny. I don't want to run. I don't know why people have been foisting that film on me for so many years. I mean, it's bleak. You know, an isolated, scruffy Yorkshire kid feels alone and sad.

So far, so my childhood. Yeah. Why am I watching that? And it's not even, even like there's not even a happy ending it's a sad film don't get spoilers okay oh is it on a film that's how old is it 30 40 50 years old there might be people there such as your influence there were young people thinking i've never seen kaz but if it's good enough for ac yeah oh that's it the ac as they call him they don't call him that do you call him. They don't call him that.

They do call him that. They don't. They call me the Cockerel or Aladdin. There is that bit when Brian Glover says, Bags Eye Bobby Charlton, which we always quoted at school every time we played football. Right. Oh, well, that's ruined it for everyone now.

I think that bit's all right. That is not a big crew. I think all of it's all right, Frank, in fairness. It's funny you mention that. My wife gave me a new nickname this week. What did she call you? Out of the blue, Alfonso. With an S.

Not Z, Alfonso, which I think would make sense. All right, Alfonso. What the... I think it's good there's still new things happening in your marriage. That's it. That's all. That's the only new thing. I haven't been surprised since the 90s.

Did she call you that after one of your grapples then with your friend? I wouldn't put you in the mask there. And now to the adverts. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinier on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. That's lovely. Email the show by the Absolute Radio website. I almost died. There was a second there I thought I was going to die. Oh, and I was laughing too.

Yeah, what about that? That would have been good when that was played back. It's what he would have wanted, I'd be saying. Our thoughts with his family. Frank, stop doing that. We've had a text in. Okay. It's about the frogs.

People are racing to get me a drink. Right, 531. The support on this show is just gone. Hi, Frank. In regards to the frog, do you remember we discussed the frog? Frank, put a picture of it up on the website. The monster frog, yeah. Yeah, the the frog... Do you remember we discussed the frog? Frank, put a picture of it up on the website. The monster frog, yeah.

Yeah, the monster frog. Frank found a frog. Yes. There we go. Sentence for anyone struggling with the letter F. And it was covered in spawn. Hi, Frank. In regards to the frog, it's just decomposing,

similar to when you see a dead fish floating and they have that white coating over them. Except the frog probably died amongst the spawn and as it is static, it got caught up in the white coating over the frog. I hope this helps your fear of it. Lol. Lol? Do you think that's someone

called Lawrence? They're not going to be laughing out loud at the dead frog that got caught up. Maybe they've done a David Cameron and they think it's lots of love. It's marvellous though that the dead frog and new life in the frog world have become entangled together. Like Beckett's, we give birth astride the grave. Absolute radio.

Where real music matters. We've also had a text. I don't normally read out praise, but this one's got a sting in its tail for you, so I think there's a certain exclusion. Great show. First time listener, but thought you were Jasper Carrot. Sorry, Frank. That's all right. In a way, I was Jasper Carrot. Were you?

Surprisingly, we've had no one text in our text in this morning, which was, which materials does David Hockney use? Yeah. We've only got a ruler and masking tape so far. I feel we're underselling him. I like the idea of what have you finally got round to, because I watch Kez, but nobody's gotten in that. Maybe Danny Baker's doing the same texting.

Oh, yeah. But there's also a story this week, it's not just you being mistaken for Jasper Carrot. Birmingham, in the Midlands of England, was mistaken for Birmingham, Alabama. Yes. By, um... Ah, yes. I'm going to say it, a silly couple that were in the Midlands of England was mistaken for Birmingham, Alabama. Yes. By, um... Ah, yes.

I'm going to say it, a silly couple that were in the media. Oh, hold it. What? Richella and Ben? Yes. Richella and... Ben. How is it?

That's their names. And, uh, and so they turned up to Birmingham Midlands Airport, Birmingham, UK, thinking, all right, let's have our flight to Vegas. Whee! And they were told, Birmingham, UK, thinking, all right, let's have our flight to Vegas. Whee! And they were told, no, no, no, this is from Birmingham, America. And they were like, where? And it was all wrong.

So they had to go to Amsterdam and no refund. When you say they had to go to Amsterdam... Oh, did they go to Amsterdam then? That's what they did in space. I bet that was his idea. Let's not go into that. Well, I... Filthy creep. She said that she saved for two years to go to Las Vegas,

so they didn't make it, so they just on the spur of the moment went to Amsterdam. I think they must have been offered flights, or were they just... Maybe they'd got offered cheap flights to Amsterdam on the day. You know there's a happy ending. Do you know there's a happy ending to this story? No. Virgin Holidays have offered

to fly them out free of charge. No. To Las Vegas. You know what I liked about you telling us that? Daisy the producer was nodding with her arms folded. Yeah. This news just in. Thanks for telling us before we went on air. I don't...

I don't like that, because I think they made the mistake, and then they publicised the mistake. Oh, no, but it's nice, because imagine you're dreaming of that holiday. You know, Las Vegas. Oh, Las Vegas, you'll be the death of me. Why do people go to Las Vegas? I like it. Well, hang on.

Hold your high horses. OK. Why do people go to Las Vegas? I like it. Well, hold your high horses. Why do people go to Las Vegas for a romantic break? It's like you just sit there putting money into slot machines. I mean, what do people do there? Is it gambling? Is that all they do? I don't know, but I love just standing there putting money into slot machines. I am one of the people who gets a bucket and just does it and does it and does it. Do you? Because you know I've got a phobia about gambling.

Have you? Well, it's probably not great. I like this story though I've got one about gambling. This story was about some lambs just gambling around. No, it's just that I've got one at my back. You know, if they'd listened to Little Richard, they would never have made that mistake. Why's that? Because

he said... It's absolutely clear where it is. It's that? Because he said... Going back to Birmingham Way down in Alabama It's absolutely clear where it is. It's way down in Alabama. He's made it very clear. He's in a bit of a rush so he didn't do the last syllable. My favourite thing about this story

is it's the ultimate what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas story, isn't it? They didn't go. It did stay. But why is Little Richard hating on the A's? I don't like that

Alabama well because he wants to rhyme Birmingham with Alabama it's all things we want but we can't have them in this life he could have gone Birmingham and then Alabama but he didn't do that

and I don't argue with Little Richard not, no, never oh he's good argue with Little Richard, not, no, never. Oh, he's good. I love Little Richard. I know him somewhere. For short, I call him. Oh, here we go. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Where were we? We were talking about Birmingham. You are, we should say off air, Frank was a real apologist for this couple. He was a silly-billy apologist. I think it's because they're from Birmingham that you're defending them.

Oh, it's really funny, because, you know, people from Birmingham are stupid. They don't know the difference between their own city and another one. Ha-ha, Bromies. And that's why we have them on adverts saying, we want to be together and all that stuff. When did all this happen?

It's true. It's a general sense that people from Birmingham are a bit stupid. And you know what? How come we were the centre of the Industrial Revolution? I'm at Midlands Power. I was telling you only today that I have a new girl working at InStyle with the centre of the industrial revolution. I'm at Midlands Power. I was telling you only today that I have a new girl working at InStyle who's exceptionally beautiful,

I mean, breathtakingly so, and I waited for her to open her mouth and thought she'll be, oh, hiya, and she went, all right then, and I immediately warmed to her more. That's Georgia. She's lovely. She's probably adopted that accent just to do well in fashion.

Patrick has said, surely for the purposes of a rhyme, Little Richard should have said, way down in Birmingham, 50 miles from Nottingham. If he'd been singing about that one. Yeah. But then Little Richard would have made a mistake. Oh, Little Richard. Anyway.

I saw him live once. He just took all his clothes off on stage. Did he? You didn't really see him live, did you? He just got the band playing. And he's at Wembley Stadium. He just started taking his clothes off and towing it. In the end, he just got booed off.

Frank, you know you framed your charcoals earlier? Yes. Not a euphemism at all. They're still a little bit uncomfortable. Yeah. Dean, we posted the picture on social media. Oh, yeah. Dean Burt says, badly framed, dude.

Get it float mounted. Float mounted? Oh, I love a float. Put it on a milk truck. I love a float mount. What is a float mount? That's hard to explain to people like you. I mean, you get a mount and you put it on top of the mount and there's a gap.

What it means is there's a gap so you don't destroy the artwork in any way between the glass and the work of art. Do you see what I mean? Must be three inches. Well, you know, I can experiment. I imagine I'll be framing at least two to five pieces of art every week, so I've got time to experiment. Oh, you've got a lot of wall space.

Oh, I've got loads of wall space. I forget you've got properties. Al, what if he gets appreciated as an incredible autistic genius after he dies? Hmm. Actually, yeah. You've got any spare charcoals? I don't know if I like the chronology On that story

So what I do now I've started carrying a small sketch pad With me wherever I go It's great You used to have one for writing jokes I might get a beret I draw jokes now It's the future Absolute Radio

Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio I did mock that couple for making that mistake I called them silly but I'm not immune to mistakes myself I was once having a wardrobe clear out And I went to throw out some trainers that I bought from CK Max And realised that one was a size 9 and one was a size 11. And I'd been wearing them for years.

Really? You're kidding. I'd been wearing them for years and always felt like, this right foot's a bit odd in these shoes and it turned out it was a size and a half too big. But how did that happen? Because I'm stupid, I think, is the answer. So I'm saying I'm not, you know, I'm not in a glass house throwing stones, I'm at least I think, is the answer. So I'm saying I'm not in a glass house throwing stones, so I'm at least as stupid as this couple. Yeah. Well, then you are in a glass house throwing stones. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So stupid I got that wrong.

What about when, the lovely thing about this story is that she did it as a surprise for the boyfriend. Yeah. She's Irish, we should say. Should we? No, because you... I don't think we should say that. No, we should, because you were saying it was anti-Birmingham. And I'm pointing out that he's from Birmingham. You're just saying, let's make it anti-Irish. No, I'm saying let's point out that it's not anti-Birmingham.

Frank... Frank's taking off quite a rustling coat. What are you coming on? On the car park. Frank's coat's made of paper, ladies and gentlemen, if you can hear it. It's gone a bit, you can leave your hat on. Yeah, I think they've played down the fact she's Irish. No, I'm just saying they're not all Birmingham's.

They wouldn't dare play it that way with an Irish couple, but a Birmingham couple, of course. Oh, come on. I mean, the good news is, what else do you want? You've got an airport now. She's saved up. That's nice, you've got an airport now she saved up that's nice you got an airport when was that then i i don't know you had an airport oh has it oh god yes what when you were born was it there um i don't know if there were airports then i think that flight flight was still in its infancy um we just lost amelia airheart yeah i um i really like this fact the virgin holidays have helped them out it reminds me i just do people still do this people used to say

oh i bought some um sausage and beans and there was no sausage in it so i wrote to heinz oh yeah and then i got this massive box come through with like 50, it used to be like the dream people would get like 20 tins of beans come through the post now I think but then it was like we did it once, encouraged by my mother

my sister and I wrote off to I don't think I should name them, should I a soup manufacturer and because we found a maggot in some soup. Wow. And they sent us voucher for about £2.50. Oh. £2? That's a bit of a letdown, isn't it?

I'll say. Oh, no, I'd want a bit more than that, thank you very much for asking. Well, that used to be my dream. How am I doing? If I found a maggot in soup... You've got money I doing? If I found a maggot in soup... You've got money, though. If I found a maggot in soup, I'd say, I can't be bothered.

I'll just write an email. Yeah. Just have it. Yeah. I'd eat it. Bit of protein. Wouldn't bother me. I've eaten locusts.

Have you? Yeah. When did you eat them, then? Well, it was very windy. It was a plague. It was very windy, and I plague it's very windy and i was in afghanistan and i swallowed about four in i was in the figure no i i met there was a there's a restaurant called archipelago

i had deep fried locust and deep fried uh scorpion oh again doll essentially that story about you eating deep fried locusts or the ballet anecdote you remember the ballet anecdote i remember the ballet link now i think the ballet link still has it but um what did you say in the ballet link i don't i think he said blah blah blah i stopped listening after a bit you can still talk about the ballet link today well now they'll be talking about my archipelago anecdote because i'm still going on about the worst the link the longer i string it out in the dream that eventually i'll chip my way through the impenetrable quartz and find some precious stones.

Never happens. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Oh, what's that Iggy Pop Feet David Bowie one? That's good, isn't it? Is it listed as feet? Oh, it might not be.

I don't know if they did feet in those days. I'm eating toast, I apologise. Do you want me to read you a text that we've had in, just so that you can finish chewing your toast? Oh, I like Tiny Temper Feet Zara Larson. Nice. Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. I once rang a porridge manufacturer to tell them my porridge tasted musty.

They sent me vouchers for two free boxes, saved me six pounds. That's the sort of story we like to hear, isn't it? Yeah. It's quite subjective as well. Nothing was wrong with the porridge. I mean, all the porridge is... What were you expecting it to taste of, ambrosia? No, I think I've had musty porridge. You mean, all the porridge is... What were you expecting it to taste of? Ambrosia? No, I think, um, I've

had musty porridge. You're eating on the radio. You're really audibly eating. You can't just eat toast on the radio. You are... You just lied. Barefaced. That's a new series. Bear Grylls is in. Barefaced. Yeah. What would that be about?

That would be, um... Climbing. Climbing rock faces. Oh, lovely. Very good. I got a 40p voucher. Needless to say, this isn't from me. 740. I got a 40p voucher in 1977.

Frank, stop chewing that toast. That's gone. Okay. When my Twix was toffee-less. I have since spent it on further confectionery. Now, that's Ian Angle, so I always worry there'll be a pun in there somewhere. No, there's no joke in there.

I think that's just an anecdote. Maybe he's moved. Is it going to be many a slip Twix? I think he might be moving like many of the punning comedians do. He might just be moving on to anecdotes. Oh, that's funny. I wonder if Frank will consider doing that. Tim Vine won't do that, will he?

Don't think so. No. I, um... What about that for an opener? Waiting for the rest of it. I was thinking about when I... On the idea of the surprise holiday, when I booked a lighthouse.

Remember that from my girlfriend? I tell you about that. Yeah. Oh yeah. Wasn't there terrible music in it or something? She had claustrophobia. Oh dear. So she said, I can't sleep in here. So we had to open the roof so she could get some air. And then we discovered at ten o'clock

I assumed it was a defunct lighthouse. At ten o'clock, the light came on. It wasn't even that we slept with the light on. We slept with the light on and then the light off and then the light on and then the light off. So it was very... You know when they warn you about flash photography?

Yes. If there was a warning, there's a very, very slow flashing going on in this. Yeah, so that was how we slept all night. There she was, then it was darkness. There she was. And it's complete darkness. You know the darkness that you get just after light? Oh, pitch black. So it was extreme in its contrasts.

Like so many of our holidays. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. the days absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio no no after you no come on born a gentleman after you i want to talk about the sheep dog this week did this was my favorite story of the week oh it was it it's an animal story, which is quite Trevor MacDonald of us to do it in the final furlong. However,

it's worth it because it's about a dog who found its way home, and I love that. He was a sheepdog. He escaped from Cockermouth. He was from Aberystwyth originally. He was sent away to work on a farm, I believe, which sounds a bit hunger games

they said it was a trial that's what they said which i love does he say yeah it's a bit hunger games i mean yeah i think it was like a three-week trial see how it goes so they didn't have to commit to anything with them what was he called this dog and then he just turned up like peter oden wingie yes exactly he hero p-e--O. That's the name of the dog. So he suddenly, he went to Cockermouth, didn't like it there. So he made the, I believe it was a 20... 240 mile journey. 240 miles, but was it 20 days it took him?

Something like that. Unfortunately, in Cockermouth, he was training to be a guide dog for the blind. So he dragged some poor bloke halfway across the country. They went down motorway. They're 12 days, Frank. Hard shoulders and all sorts. The bloke just shouting, Heel, forlornly into the night.

I mean, you think it's a happy story. I think it's terrible. They go that the bloke had got no heels left on his shoes, the blind bloke. He was trying to put the brakes on. The dog was just going. It turned out it wasn't even there. The dog could just smell sausage. He was trying to put the brakes on. The dog was just going. It turned out it wasn't even their dog. They could just smell sausage.

He could smell sausages cooking in the house. Anyway. It's incredible, though, really. I believe. It's an incredible journey. I agree that it's incredible. I like it. Do you not believe it?

No. Don't you? Tell me why. Because Ernie Weston, who lived next door to us, took our dog to West Bromwich for a walk. OK. Are you basing your incredulity on this, Ernie Weston? who lived next door to us, took our dog to West Bromwich for a walk. OK, are you basing your incredulity on this, Ernie Weston? Well, hold on, there's pluses and minuses. So he was there.

West Bromwich was about three miles away, I'd say. He met a bloke who he knew who said, do you want a lift home? Now, a lift in those days was a tremendous luxury. So he said, oh, yeah, definitely. And the bloke said, I don't want the dog in the car. He said, okay then. So he just left him there. Came back. And the old man said, where's Tiny? And he said, well, I got offered a lift. So we thought we'd never see the dog again. He returned.

Oh! Took him about a week. That was three miles. Does that not just mean that Tiny was a less good return dog than Pero? He was just less sophisticated, Frank, than Pero. Pero was a pretty awesome sheepdog. I believe Pero did it. Do you?

I think he did. Was he played by David Souchet? They aren't sure. They said some of us believe he walked it and others can't believe he achieved such a task. I can't believe he achieved it. I think they dropped him off in Cockermouth not realising his

lead was caught in their back bumper. They dragged him all the way back. But what would they get out of the lot? They said he had no fur down one side what did they get out of the lie do you think they got paid for the story is it not fair to say no I don't think that

we're just establishing what level of deceit we're insinuating here well I think it's just another sheep dog turned up and they all look the same. Well, you don't think that's the real perro? No, he's microchipped. It's the real perro. Have they checked the microchip? They've checked his paw prints. They haven't checked any of that.

You're so conspiracy. A sheepdog's turned up and they've thought about his perro. He had a little dog passport. He was definitely perro. He had nothing. He had one eye right blind bloke holding on for grim life. I think they were first alerted to the fact that he'd come back. They opened He had nothing. He had one eye-right blind bloke holding on for grim life. I think they were first alerted to the fact that he'd come back. They opened the curtains and every sheep in between Cockermouth and their house was on the horizon.

Exactly. Or they'd been around in them all. That would have been brilliant. They wouldn't have been in the papers then. Sian, there's 15,000 sheep in the garden. Shall I phone the Daily Mail? No, phone the abattoir. We're rich, I tell you. Bear Grylls making a sleeping bag out of it all. Sheep Grylls is the local survival bloke.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I wondered if it was time to perhaps visit Email Corner. We haven't been there for many... Late in the day, we can. A little quick... Me by gun, me by gun, me by gun, Mail Corner. There'll be no regional stereotyping on this show. Not for a second.

Not on my watch. No, from Birmingham, Alabama. Hi all, I was taking my wife to work on Tuesday morning and I accidentally knocked the radio in the car onto Radio 1 to hear Grimmie, you know Nick Grimshaw, talking about how bored he is of Kim Kardashian. Apparently she had posted some new selfies. Grimmie announced that he was banning mention of her name from the show

and that every time Kim's name is mentioned from now on, an alarm would sound. He asked a caller to test this. No sooner had she uttered the words Kim Kardashian than the alarm sounded, but it wasn't just any alarm. It was, in fact, the A.E. Houseman alarm. Oh! OMG. Wow.

It continues, has Grimmy been listening to your lovely show and thought, I'm having that? Praise deleted from Rich. What do you make of this, Frank? It makes me happy. If someone said, what's the difference between your show and Nick Grimshaw's, I can now say, well, we've got an alarm based on a poet from the early 20th century, and he's got a Kim Kardashian one.

It's all there, isn't it? It's all there. Don't get me wrong, horses for courses. What about that time I went to a football match with Simon Mayo? Oh, I love this anecdote. So far, so radio. What about that time I went to a football match with Simon Mayo? Did you? Oh, I love this anecdote. So far, so radio. Yeah.

What happened? I was telling him that I found someone who had an answer phone. I made it all up. And I said, I found up and their answer phone message was, Who are you? Who are you? And I left a message saying, you're supposed to be at home. Oh, that's so funny. I like that joke.

It's a funny joke. Thanks. And next time I heard his show, whenever people rang in, he went, who are you, who are you? He didn't. Oh, wow. There's very little integrity in the radio. You can't steal material like that.

He was having that. He's having that. It's as simple as that. Oh. You can't steal material like that. He was having that. He was having that. It's as simple as that. Oh, you can't have that, people. That's your trouble, isn't it? It's your trouble. Everything you say, people just have it. Hellman's mayonnaise took him to court.

No. Yeah. For the mayo thing. For the mayo thing, yeah. I hate it. I hate it. I'm furious about it. Until then, he was called Simon Sallacream, wasn't he? He was. He just thought, I'm furious about it. Until then, he was called Simon Salad Cream, wasn't he?

He was. Then he just thought, I'm having that. It was hyphenated. He was one of the Berkshire Salad Creams. Oh, was he? You've got a rich charm there, Frank. You're really scratching it there. Think of your own jokes, people.

Really scratching at that. Think of your own jokes, people. Yeah. Yeah, so, and he did that for ages. He kept it going. I mean, don't get me wrong wrong he's a perfectly nice chap I suppose you know if you can't if you just can't come up with your own stuff desperate times

we're living nevertheless with a grudge from about 15-20 years ago very unlike Frank what's the point of having a grudge if you can't let it marinate? Oh, good. Well, I'm going down to Birmingham.

Going to see West Bromwich play West Ham. Am I left at the airport? Still so tough to have got one. I don't pass the airport. It's not on my route. OK. So, thanks for listening this morning. I haven't been at my best. I'll be pass the airport. It's not on my route. So thanks for listening this morning. I haven't been at my best.

I'll be straight with you. But you know. Remy wouldn't say that. Light and dark. Even Homer nods, as they say, in The Simpsons. So if the good Lord spares us and the cranks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner show on

absolute radio back saturday morning from eight tune in live for the full frank experience absolute radio