The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Irresistible Accompaniments

Episode Date: October 15, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The A-Team are back together. Frank went kite flying and had an awkward conversation with a receptionist. The team talk Bob's prize, toads and take a trip to email corner.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean, who happily is back in the bosom of her family. Oh, Alan Cochran. And Alan Cochran is also here. Oh, do you know, I've missed you boys something chronic. Oh, that's lovely. Anyway, if you want to text us about anything, you can do so on 8-12-15. You can follow the show on Twitter,

at Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Yes, well, it's... It's all been happening since I've been away. It's good. It has. The gorilla's gone postal. Yeah.

He's back. He's back as well. He's back. He's back as well. He's back where he belongs. In the bosom of his family. I only was looking at that gorilla just a couple of weeks ago. Yes. Really? Kambuku?

Yeah. It feels a little bit like you lit the safe up. This is when, you missed this, Em, but Sarah had a bit of a laughing fit when she said... Did she? When I said, can you get me a car? And she said, where are you going? And I said, the zoo. She thought it was hilarious.

But anyway, he was there then, safe as houses. Good as gold. Well, you have a real affinity with that community. The Grivers? Yeah. It was the chimps that you get on with. Yeah, I once had a strange experience at Monkey World in wool indoors. I think we should leave that anecdote there.

Yeah, exactly. Hang on, you had a strange experience in wool? Yeah. I had... I... There was a chimpanzee that had just arrived and they keep them in a little sort of a holding area. And he came to the glass and looked at me, and I looked at him,

and he looked at me, and we were like a foot from each other's face. And people were, we were there for, what, five, six, seven, eight minutes. We just, I didn't want to be the first to break the thing people were gathering, watching us, I could hear people say look at that bloke and that chimpanzee girlfriend

was out right yeah so we stared at each other I seem to be looking back into the history of mankind do you think if it hadn't been for the Perspex, it would have got a cuddle out of it? No, I think

it would have probably ripped me face off. Savage character, yeah. They're going to be... I remember Elvis had one and... Oh, did he? In the end, they had to lock it in a room. It went so mad. They had to lock it into a room. No one could go in there because it just lived there on its own. Do you know what, rather like

I believe we once referred to bananas to the letterbox, it was like that Are they a bit nasty piece of work? Like Isaac Newton I think we once called him a nasty piece of work Isaac Newton, chimpanzees yes, I think they're both in the nasty piece of work. Okay

Anyway, good morning to you all. Morning. Great times here on Absolute Radio. Isn't there an Absolute? Absolute Radio suggests that there are stations that are sort of partial radio.

Yeah. I don't think there are. There are certainly ones that are rubbish radio. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I don't think there are. There are certainly ones that are rubbish radio. But, you know. Well, let's not mention them. Horses for courses. So, look, I had I'll tell you

what I did this week. I had toppers for paper and string. So, I had my own. I beg your pardon? I think he's lapsed in some poetry. He's got his eye on a Nobel Prize there. What's this? Toppings for paper and string. So I had my own... I beg your pardon? I think he's lapsed in some poetry. He's got his eye on a Nobel Prize there. What's this? Toppins for paper and string? Do you recognise that? If you've toppins for paper

and string, you can have your own set of wings. Do you recognise that? No. Who's that by? It's the opening refrain from Let's Go Fly a Kite. Oh, that's lovely. And I flew a kite on the beach, in fact. And it's one of those things.

For me, it's impossible to fly a kite without singing Let's Go Fly a Kite. I think there are certain songs. Yes. That'd be a good text, you know, 12, 15. What other songs? Activities. Activities, yeah. What activities do you have to sing the accompanying song with?

I think that would... And I don't want to give up. What we used to do in the old days, we used to come up with loads of examples and not leave any for the poor readers. No, we'll leave some for the poor readers. Good, because I can't think of any of us. No.

But, yeah, what I'm calling it, I'm calling it the irresistible accompaniments. I've thrown my hand up, even though the readers can't see that. Often a reference to a summer holiday sometimes inspires a song, I find. When you're leaving for a summer holiday.

I'm going on a summer holiday. As I have said before, whenever I visit a cash point, as I walk away, I always sing Got Brass in Pocket, the Pretenders thing. I mean, I just can't... I think now it gets to the point, if you don't do it, you feel that you might be hit by a car.

Yeah, yeah. You know, those kind of things. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, have you ever flown a kite? I've had a go, I think. I don't know with much success, but... I have, Frank. Do you know, but only on screen.

It was for a role. Oh, was it? What were you playing? I had to play a kite-flying child, but it was a play for today, which was a series a long time ago, let's not say decades. Kite-flying child is up there with playing Jason the Asthmatic Boy, isn't it? Nobody has a name.

I think we went to Primrose Hill, and it was me and my screen parents. Did it say on credits, kite-flying child? No, but I wish it had. No, I was a named character, because you get more money that way, obviously. Oh, yeah. Did you have lines? Oh, did I have lines? I was going to say, if you didn't, the kite would have been miles away. So I...

So I've done it in a professional capacity, is what I'm saying. I think it's very underrated. Does it not always remind you that it used to be a weapon? Like, when it dives really quickly towards the floor. I think it used to be a weapon. Yeah, yeah. The kite. The kite was a weapon, I believe.

And yo-yo. I can kind of see it with the yo-yo, but the kite. Yeah. How do you get... Well, really? I thought so. When was it a weapon? Oh, 60s, I... Well, really? I thought so. When was it a weapon? Oh, 60s, I think.

50s? It was a weapon! No, I'm making it up. I'm making that bit up. He's reaching. People are going to text and say it was never a weapon. They're going to correct me on that. I've never...

I haven't heard that before. I didn't think it was a weapon. I do like the idea of controlling something that's in the sky. It's quite exciting, that. You should get yourself a drone. Yeah, maybe. Well, yeah, I'll get a drone. Why not?

Shall we take a kite out this weekend? Frank and I are spending the weekend together. Let's take the kites out, Frank. Yeah, we can. Have you ever done a two-handed kite? You go, oh, God, they swoop. They swoop. They swoop! I think I'd be worried about being swept away.

But that's quite romantic in a date situation, isn't it? To go kiting. Yeah, with a two-hander kite. Yeah, but I don't know, if one person had one and one... Really, you need left and right. Oh, I see, OK. Put your arms round each other. You ever seen The Medusa Touch?

No. I think that's what it's called. It's a Richard Burton movie when he has control over inanimate objects, amongst other things. Oh, late review. I think he also makes his neighbour jump out of it. How's that 1962? Something like that. Great new film out at the Flicks.

I'd recommend it. And he makes an aeroplane crash. Oh, I've seen an elephant fly. Big wow. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen that. I just heard. But just to be so sure, I take your word.

So he makes this aeroplane crash. And it reminded me that we were once in the pub when we were youths and we were talking about our ambitions in life and everyone was saying, you know, I want to be a footballer or have a number one single. And this mate of mine said, I've often thought I'd love to watch a VC10 plough into the Rotunda.

He said, I've often thought I'd love to watch a VC-10 plough into the Rotunda. The Rotunda is a large building in Birmingham city centre. VC-10 is obviously an airliner. I thought it was a euphemism, I'm quite relieved. Yeah, and that was his thing. He said, oh, imagine that. He said, I know there'd be loss of life, but it'd be a brilliant thing to have seen.

And it's that sort of alternative thinking. Yeah. Which I think that set me up for life. But no, I'd recommend kite flying. It's like falconry, but there's no need for bacon. Yeah. Still wanted to look at it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Surely not. There must be some mistake. I think it's fair to say you've lit up the switchboard, Frank. I love it when that happens. You really have. It doesn't happen every week, does it? No, it's happened five times. With your obscure text-ins. Yes, this is my irresistible accompaniments texting.

Yes. In case you've just joined us. Is there any tunes that you have to sing when you're doing a particular thing? Mine being that I was flying a kite. Yes. You can guess the rest. Mine was Summer Holiday. Yeah.

Adam Redfern has tweeted us, always cleaning windows. When cleaning windows. Oh, I suppose so. I think that's true. I don't know, I can't remember the last time I cleaned the window. And Jules Garner, walking in Regent's Park, going to London Zoo, it's the law to sing, we're going to the zoo.

Now that is true. When I'm going to the zoo, I sing, well actually, yeah, Dad's taking us to the zoo tomorrow. Although he's actually dead. But you know, I mean, we're going, we're going to to the zoo tomorrow. Although he's actually dead. But, you know, I mean, we're going. We're going to the zoo. You're the dad in that story now.

Zoo, zoo, how about you? You, you. Oh, yeah. That's the same thing. Oh, is it? Yeah, what you've got. You've cut straight to the chorus. Oh, I always do, Frank. Yes.

Jill has texted, 455, I always sing We Gotta Get Out of This Place when leaving the house. I just can't help it. That's the gift that keeps giving for her there because you leave your house a lot more than you go to the zoo unless you work in a zoo. She sings it every time she leaves the house.

So she's claiming, Frank. I'm not going to do... Frank, I was at the gym the other day and I was skipping. I can't do this without singing Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques et Dormez-vous. Is it one of those, some salt mustard? Remember, we had a debate.

Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar, is that what it is? Yes. We had a debate about the billing on that a few weeks ago. Did you? Yeah, I thought vinegar should be up there next to salt. Oh, yes, you did. I think you're correct in what you say. If it snows in December, I sing Dreaming of a White Christmas.

This is 648 says. I suppose Christmas is going to invoke a lot of singing of themed songs. You're being quite a strict gatekeeper on this, if you don't mind me saying. No, they're good. I'm happy with all these. They're nice. Well, I like this one. Ed from Tooting has texted,

Hi, Frank, my brother's a tube driver and every time he goes through the tunnel where it's then all underground, he sings Hello Darkness, my old friend. Can I say I love that brother? Strong word. I actually do love him. I was hoping he was going to say I'm a cab driver from Tooting or something like that, but it didn't come up.

Tooting seems to be such a wasted word. It needs something that's actually tooting. You're right. 771 Morningall, if I encounter a flight of stone steps outside, I find you need a little burst of Rocky music on reaching the top, says Chris. I find Eye of the Tiger very effective in these situations. But Eye of the Tiger's not actually from original Rocky, is it, when he does the

Philadelphia stairs? Oh my God. You're being so strict about it. If you were being stared at by a tiger, I think fair enough. You wouldn't do the Rocky theme, though, would you? You want someone to say, what's that by a tiger. Yes. I think, fair enough. You wouldn't do the Rocky theme though, would you? I'd be straight out. You want someone

to say, what's that sort of round gelatine thing by the tiger cage? You wouldn't say, uh, uh,

da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Ridiculous. I think we've got an answer to the kite weapon. We'll come back to that. I'll tell you something else. While everyone's got their fingers on their buttons, while I was flying the kite, a friend of mine who's a very intelligent chap, on day one... There was two men flying the kite. Yeah.

There was children as well. Oh, OK. I've got photographic evidence. But we were sort of helping. But on day one we didn't need to help my son grabbed the thing it just went up it was perfect but on day two uh it was a struggle we just couldn't get the thing and my friend his theory and he was not joking as a serious thing he said i think the wind is blowing down, downwards today. Right. Does wind actually blow downwards to the ground?

That is the next. I've never... It blows, you know, left, right, east, west. It blows down. That's rain, isn't it? Fred Skinner on the radio. I think we've had my favourite of the songs you have to sing whilst doing certain things.

Yes. Texting. That's what I'm calling it. There's a lot of hyphens in there. 101, Dr S. Buse. And also, who texts a radio show and uses their handle doctor? I'm giving props to this guy or girl. Could be either.

I love Dr S. Buse. Yeah. Although infrequently used, I enjoy singing Driving Home for Christmas by Chris Rio when I drive home to Newcastle during the festive period. I do that. I sing Driving Home for Christmas at Christmas time. Can I fess up?

I don't know. Driving Home for Christmas. Oh, it's good. I'll do it for you. He's very gravelly. Driving Home for Christmas. Yeah, it sounds a bit like Gomez have done a Christmas song. You ought to have heard it, Frank.

They always play it in the sock shop and places like that. Oh, yeah, they do. They love... They love Christmas songs in those places. Yes, they do. Accessorise. When I'm getting me scrunchies. When you're kite-flying expeditions with your male friends? No, sometimes, if we're having a

Latin American night, I'll go and get maybe 200 scrunchies and put them on my arms as sleeves. Yeah. Yeah, if I'm... It's a good way to do it. Do you have any Latin American nights around you? We do it about three times a year. They're all

right, I tell you. Oh. When going through a car wash, we sing car wash. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Okay. And then I'd like to also attention must be paid to Christina who says, I know it's not a proper song but I like singing the Shake and Back song when I

hoover. I think it's a proper song. It was a phenomenal performance from that woman slight crush i had a slight crush on the woman i remember she's very you yeah what she did the housework no she did she had she had a sort of a um a very free spirit about her she had a devil made care attitude to domestic work and she was very nicely dressed, considering, I mean, I've normally got the Uggs on and some sort of slang kit, whereas she had a nice dress.

Was she Elfin, or have I imposed that on her? Can I tell you what she was? She was a combination of... Did she look like Michael Elfic? It was something like that. She was a hybrid of I'm going to go Julie Andrews and Joanna Lumley as Purdy.

I thought she had a bit of Wendy Craig in there. Wouldn't we all love that? I was... I had a situation. Oh, another one. They do come up in your life, don't they? Yes, I was... Just getting my bile ducts ready.

I've been going to... I was talking about this last week. I've been working in a sort of office because I'm writing at the moment. So I go into a place to do it. Lovely. So it's a bit, a little bit like having a proper job. Yes.

Going to an office and there's a receptionist and there's, you know, there's a room you can... Do you walk in and say, thanks, Skinner? No, no, I say, morning. And they say, red room or orange room, depending on where I am that day. And it's all a bit like that. And there's things like, you know, people bring around a bit of birthday cake. I mean, it's...

I don't... I wouldn't want it every day. No every day. Don't get me wrong. Are there cards to sign? Yeah, occasionally there are cards. Sometimes they think I'm too big, they don't ask me. But I'd happy to. I job share. They're both lovely. But I've been calling, in as much as I've used the name at all, I think of her anyway as Selina. Okay.

And then I heard a driving man come into the thing. You know, the sort of... A driver? A driver, yeah. He brought in... A golfer. They come in with one of those sack trucks with parcels on them. One of those blokes.

And as he left he said okay, I'll see you, Celine. And then I thought, oh. Now have I been calling her by the wrong name? And she has just smiled and taken it, but inside hated me. I'm going to come back to this story because it gets worse. Oh, God.

Frank Skinner on the radio. So you're in this receptionist. So I'm talking to the author receptionist for the purposes of this the name thing. So we've got a question. Sorry. So I'd heard

the driver say Celine. And you'd been calling her? Right. I couldn't remember actually if I'd ever actually called her but i think i had so i i think she must have been thinking well i can't correct him because he's on television right and so she'd all the rage and frustration had been internal i mean a terrible faulty logic there isn't't there? I know. Anyway, so I thought, what I'll do, I'll ask the other receptionist. Oh, good idea. Yeah.

So on the... A lot of presence of mind, I respect that. Yeah, so I said, look, can I ask you something? I said, that's a bit weird, but between you and me, what is the name of the other receptionist? And she said, why did you say i said well it's just i've i've called her selena but i heard a driver called the selena i wonder if i may call the wrong name she said no no you were right oh it was it was selena so i thought well i've come out because

i felt a bit bad exposing the fact that i had any doubt about it at all yeah but the fact that i'd got it right and the driver hadn't, I felt like a good guy. And then she said, do you know my name? She didn't. I had a horrible premonition of this coming. And I... Can I just say, that is bold

work on her part. But I felt that I did. Oh! Oh, my God. Here we go. What did you guess?

No, I didn't guess. I don't want to know. I said... What did you say? I said yes. Oh! I thought she looks... That'll be it.

That's enough, isn't it? Trust me on it. Did you then just stride away? Well, that was my plan. But why did you say that when you knew? Because if I say yes, and then she'll think, oh, well, that's all right then.

She's trying to face it out. She's trying to face it out. Yeah, she didn't accept that. How surprising. So she said, go on then. I love her. She's got a harshness about her that I think we can all respect. Oh, she's my spirit animal. And I said, I know her. She's got a harshness about her that I think we can all respect.

Oh, she's my spirit animal. And I said, I know it. I said, it's a bit, it's a sort of foreign, it's a bit foreign sounding, isn't it? Oh, my God. She said, no. No, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say it was foreign sounding.

And in the end, I just had to break down. And she told me. What was the name? It was Louise. Oh, that's a bit French, maybe. Well, yeah, pushing it. Yeah. Well, you always push it.

And then she gave me a business card. Did she? But it was... It was an aide de memoir. Yeah. What? Oh, I like the business card. Oh, it was a bit awkward.

I mean, oh. I mean, I like the business card. Oh, it's a bit awkward. I mean, oh. I mean, I feel bad about it. I did know it, though. I did know. I did. Feather, feather. I did know. I did.

I did know. Oh. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went out with them. I've been out with three receptionists in my life. Well, you know what that is? Coincidence that you mentioned that. They're very welcoming.

No, it's because... They are, though. Extremely welcoming. I suppose I associate them with an open door. Oh, my God. I meant spiritually. OK. You know what that is a little bit? Go on.

You yourself have discussed the Pac-Man syndrome, you call it, which is when men just date the women immediately in front of them. In that corridor, yeah. Yeah. All right. So if you're having your make-up done, you might date the make-up artist just because they're there. So this is the ultimate Pac-Man syndrome, isn't it?

Yes, you walk into a building. You walk in, yeah. Or, you know, I've been out with waitresses and barmaids. People are... One tends to go out with people who you meet. In front of you. Teachers marry teachers, all that stuff. Yeah, yeah.

That's why I've dated so many security guard At jewellery shops Yeah I can see that But yeah They do They do tend to say When that moment comes Where you declare your feelings

I love you They do tend to say that I think for a receptionist it's quite hard to kick the tone. Sarah, you're a receptionist. Don't you find that... Hello, can I help you? No, I'll tell you what, Frank. Where did that come from, that tone?

There's a classic. Trying to connect you. Yeah, but who wrote that? Who wrote that tune? The receptionist tune? Yeah, that person's just like royalty. They must have made a few bob. People think I made money out of three

lines. But the bloke who wrote he must. I mean, it's only a few notes, but every receptionist uses it. I think how many times they use it. Checks are rolling in. Wow. Can I help you?

Let's do that for you. Yeah. Can I say you? Ka-ching! Let's do that for you. Yeah. Yeah. Can I say they do very fine work, Sarah? Could you just wait a moment, please? Another one just there. I mean, I tell you, that was... He could have written anything.

He could have written do-do-do-do. Can I help you? Have you really dated Earth 3 receptionists? Can I help you? Yeah. Or if he That's a bit automaton. Have you really dated three receptionists? Can I help you? Yeah. Or if he'd written that. Or if he'd written... Can I help you?

Oh, it would have been ridiculous. But now he got it spot on. Help you. I have dated three receptionists, yeah. Not simultaneously. No, you didn't have one waiting. The very idea. I've only got... Not simultaneously. No, you didn't have one waiting. The very idea. You didn't have one hold.

I've only got one receptionist job share anecdote at my fingertips. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. Many of you have in an interesting and humorous fashion. You can follow the show on Twitter, Cumberland Sausage Frank on the radio. You can email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

It's a beautifully drawn at, actually, on this. I can't draw hats. Will someone teach me? It's a good one. They've done an old-fashioned A, and then they've done a lap of honour. Yeah, that's a great description of the hat. Old-fashioned A, lap of honour. He's so poetic.

He's very good, isn't he? Where did you get that hat? I was just thinking. Very good. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets a Nobel Peace Prize. Oh, which is good, isn't he? Where did you get that at? I was just thinking to myself. Very good. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets a Nobel Peace Prize. Who, Frank? Yeah, for his... Peace Prize, you think?

Actually, yeah, you could have a literature one. Listen, shouldn't there be a Nobel Prize for comedy? Oh, I don't know. The joy you guys bring into people's lives. I think there are more than enough comedy awards for people to grumble about in dressing rooms already. Au contraire, they've killed most of them off. We've

had some conclusion, well, I think it's conclusive. Shall we call it closure? Yeah, let's have some closure. Oh, I love closure. You know you were talking about trying to fly a kite in downward wind. Well, I mean, I'm not saying there's such a thing as downward wind, but that was put to me. Well, we've had an email

you'll be delighted to hear. It's entitled Vertical Wind. Air has vertical motions. Consider an updraft or downdraft as part of a supercell. Air is moving vertically in both directions.

Turbulent mixing is another example where air is mixing in vertical directions. Horizontal winds are on the order of 10m slash s, while vertical motions are roughly 1cm, with exceptions of updrafts slash downdrafts, which can greatly exceed this, to the minus of 50m slash s. I don't like it. Have you finished?

I think it's finished, yeah, but I'm glad... LAUGHTER I think it's finished I was just going to say I'm glad we put that to bed Is that from Professor B Cox? No it's David Cox Oh we'll be related Frank Probably He'll be one of the Cox family There's a lot of Cox in science

Wow Help yourselves to the punchlines there. It's, well, you like this. That's good, though. I mean, it's great that someone's explained. I mean, yes, it did give me a slight,

really good. There's a little bit of blood coming out of my ears. Why won't the producer look us in the eye at the moment? She hates science. Oh, does she? Do you like science, Frank? No. No. But I like anything where people, eye at the moment. She hates science. Oh, does she? Do you like science, Frank? No.

No. But I like anything where people sound like they're obsessed with something. Yes. And I think here's a man who he knows about the wind. Yeah.

I just think these people with their science-y modern ways, they're not our sort, Frank. It's not for the likes of us. We're arts and crafts. We're arts and crafts. Yeah, but I like a bit of content

coming into the show. There was a bit where I got extremely tense and thought, no, it's a scorched set. There's about three listeners left. But I'm glad that you carried on to the end with it. You know what happened with Isaac Newton and that apple? No good came of it.

He was a nasty piece of work. I mean, that's the most that's what he's most famous for. Genius, but he wouldn't want to live next door to you. That's what I've heard. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. We haven't talked about Bob this morning.

I'm dying to talk about him. Yes, let's talk about Bob, Dylan. The news is, let's talk about Bob Dylan. The news is... Here's the news. Hear ye, hear ye. Bob Dylan has won the Nobel Prize for literature. It's not for peace.

Yeah, literature he won. Yeah, I always get them wrong. I shouldn't have done it because it's the Nobel Prize. Oh, yeah. Very good. Starting on the wrong foot I hope he's listening I think he'll like that I'll say that's funny

Frank Skinner's one funny man Imagine if he was a fan of yours Frank He isn't a fan of mine How do we know? Well you know what If he's no fan of yours, I'm no fan of his. Well, I mean, he doesn't know me. That's the

thing. I'm just... Yeah, but how do you know he knows you? The Queen probably knows you. No, you never know. I mean, he's a radio man, of course. Of course. He's doing his own radio show. And you famously did an impression of him, Frank, on your little chat show thing. I'll do an impression of him now?

Why won't you? OK, here goes. Etc. What do you think? Just like him. You're rather good. And you know the rest. Where does he find the time? I know.

Where does he find the time? That's incredible. I was very obsessed when I was a teenager, very obsessed with Bob Dylan. Right. Oh, that's how you learnt to play that old harmonica. Exactly. I learnt to play the guitar in order to play Bob Dylan songs.

I got a Bob Dylan songbook before I could play the guitar. There's three chords, so I just learnt those three chords and played Bob Dylan songs. I made a harmonica holder out of, you know, those wire coat anger things. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh.

Cool. I think there are some... Not everyone has this, but if you get into someone when you're having a sort of strange time and you're, you know... Yes. Drinking has just started and you're that troubled teenager thing,

the musician sort of becomes your best friend rather than just a musician. Do you know what I mean? Right. My partner had it with Kate Bush. Yes, I had it with Simon Le Bon. Did you really? Well, I think it was more of a crush I had.

Well, that's a bit different. I know. But I still, I don't know. I felt we had a little affiliation. Yeah. I can't explain it. I felt he was an outsider being a new romantic and I felt I was an outsider.

I had exactly this with Joe Dolce. Oh. He's teasing us. I had exactly this with Joe Dolce. Oh. He's teasing us. I knew you wouldn't have one. I knew you, because you're too hard. I was going to do a joke. You had one with Jeff Capes. I thought I was on a comedy show.

No, no, you're quite right. Try and bring it. Try and bring it. Sometimes. He won eight million Swedish... I'm saying he won, like it was X Factor. But it was Swedish kronor they get paid in. I don't know what the exchange rate's like.

Forgive me my... Forgive me my ignorance. Sweden isn't in the... No, they're not in the EU. Oh, God. So people have constantly held them up as a symbol, as something that we should aspire towards and how it's fine. We'll be fine, because they're fine, God. So people have constantly held them up as a symbol, you know, as something that we should aspire towards and how it's fine.

We'll be fine, because they're fine, apparently. Fair enough. Have you ever been there? It's one of the most expensive countries I've ever been in my life. I look forward to the pro-Brexit people enjoying 50% tax. It's essentially a million dollars that he won.

Not bad. Oh, he didn't see that? Okay. Not bad. He didn't do that much. OK. Not bad for a competition he didn't enter. No. And not only that, but he has made no reference to winning it whatsoever. I think that's deliberate. I think he just wants all the journalists to repeatedly say,

how does it feel? But you'd think he'd come out with a quote. Even Doris Lessing said, oh Christ I'm quoting her I can't forgive her for that I think Lessing of her Have you ever seen her win? Yes, David Baddiel got a whole piece on it

David Baddiel and I are both obsessed by Doris Lessing winning it You must look it up on YouTube She's coming out of a black cab with her son Her son is carrying an artichoke and a bag of onions. And they say, Doris Lessing, you've won the Nobel Prize for Literature. And she says, oh, Christ. And they put the shopping down and they pay the cab, and she says, well, I don't know what to say.

It's absolutely brilliant. Ask DB about it. Well, she said considerably more than Bob Dylan, who did a gig that night. Did he? I mean, he doesn't talk much on stage. We didn't about it. Well, she said considerably more than Bob Dylan, who did a gig that night. Did he? I mean, he doesn't talk much on stage. We didn't mention it. And Bob Neuwirth, who's one of his friends,

said he hasn't mentioned it. He doesn't mention it. Well, like she said, he may never reference it. Gotta love him. Frank Skinner on the radio. And look, I've got to apologise, because there I've been declaring that Sweden's not part of the EU. I'm afraid that's what I thought, but apparently it is.

And it's... I don't really understand it. Is it that they're in the EU, but they're not part of the single currency? They're not the Eurozone, perhaps. I think that might be it, yeah. Yes. Apologies for my error. I think you might have accidentally triggled up Article 50, though. That's that might be it. Yes. Apologies for my error. I think you might have accidentally triggled up Article 50, though. That's my worry.

Triggled? I think it's all right if you triggle it. Triggle it's OK. Just triggle it a little bit. It's actually quite like it. Loves it. I love it when Article 50 gets a bit giggly. Apologies for the political inaccuracies.

It's not my strong suit. I like to make people laugh. Do you? How lovely. What's that like? Fine mission. There have been nights when I've thought, I wonder, I can't remember what that was like.

I would guess that Bob Dylan is the first Nobel Prize winner to have done a Victoria's Secret advert. Ah, did he? Yeah. I forgot on that. Can't be. There can't be many of those, can there? No.

I don't think Madame Curie did one. No. Madame Lingerie. He's a quiet... I love his friends saying, it's like, don't mention it. So he comes round for dinner and you can't reference the thing,

the Nobel Prize. But the thing is that you wouldn't be 100% sure he knew. And so then you think, well, maybe he'd be thrilled. What if he doesn't know? They're very secretive, the Nobel lot. So I wonder if, like, if he didn't cash the cheque... That's why they got Nobel. Exactly. You don't want to get in with a secret knock.

If he didn't cash the cheque, I'll bet they wouldn't tell us. Like, if he doesn't take the money, they wouldn't like, release that to the public domain. So he might not know, and he might never know. He might just pretend that it's not happened. He might be one of those framed photos. You know the people put cheques in a frame

and then never cash them? He might be one of those guys.. You know the people put checks in a frame and then they have to cash them? He might be one of those guys. Well, if you got a check from the Nobel Group or whatever they're called, it would be frameable. Yeah? The Nobel Group. It sounds like one of those fictitious companies that they have in Batman or

something or Superman. Exactly. The evil villain, the Nobel Group. I, um... Of course, we have already established on this show, I think, in the past, what Elton John told me about Bob Dylan. What did he tell you? That he was, uh... I'm actually just settling down to listen to this anecdote.

He said Bob Dylan was the worst charades player he'd ever seen. I'm glad that the Nobel people didn't allow that to get in the way of his overall. Very good that they could get over it. Board games with celebrity. Well, Frank and I have played Pictionary with Michael Hutchence. Have we? Yes, we played Pictionary that night. Oh, yes, we did.

That's right. Yeah. Good times, guys. Good times. Yes. Oh, he had a lot of velvet on. He did. Purple velvet.

I couldn't help thinking, I bet he attracts the bits. Oh, lint. Yeah. Oh, he was a lint fest, Michael Hodgins. I think I've been there. A lint fest? Was it all right? It's like a summer long thing.

What was the currency there? Can you remember? Give me time. Frank Skinner on the radio. We are discussing Bob Dylan's... Oh, yes. Gong. Yes, his Gong.

I'll tell you what I didn't like. Andrew Mershon, the poet laureate... Well, not anymore. Former poet laureate and poet himself. He said of Bob Dylan's lyrics, they're often the best words in the best order. Oh. Which is a description of poetry

that's existed for hundreds of years. Yes. And I think he's just thought, I'm having that. It's just a bit, it's really clear I'm having that, isn't it? I could, yeah, that is that I'm having that.

I just thought, well, come up with your own description of why Bob Dylan's good. Why are you doing something that's about poetry for ages? No, OK. What if you get off Andrew Motion's back? Oh. Frank, come on, that's easier said than done.

They've got beef that goes way back. Yeah, they have. The cockerel and Motion, don't get them in a pub together. Yeah. Exactly. Imagine if you'd fallen out with Andrew Motion. I don't do motion. I'm very still.

I'm a very still creature. He must like comedy, though, Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan? I've got a mate who's... Oh, with that hair, I should say. I have a mate who's a comedian. I mean, I've never seen anything like it. I think he's a very handsome man.

8 million Swedish kroner. Hair straighteners much? I think he's a handsome man. He is a handsome kronor, hair straightener's much. I think he's a handsome man. He is a handsome man. He's not anymore. I'll say this. I think Emily has a point. He's not a man who feels a need to dress up for a photo shoot, is he?

Well, he likes a sort of... Nowadays, he likes sort of cowboy boots and stuff like that. Then why not? He looks like my slightly mentally unstable grandmother looked like. And he looks a bit like a drama teacher. He's gone... Some go drama teacher in the old age. Some go ambrosia-creamed rice grandmother.

Some go drama teacher. He's gone drama teacher. He's gone capes and hats and pendants and quartz crystals and eyeliner dripping down his face. I think he's gone sort of Wild West troubadour, I'd say, with his look that he's had for a while. I tell you what, he wears those trousers, which I have spoken of, I think, before, that I love,

with the line going down the outside. Oh, yeah. A sort of Quality Street trousers. Excellent. Yeah, I do like those. They're good. I just, Frank, I do think as well, when he was younger, I'll give you this,

he was hot when he was younger. There's a bit, what is it, subterranean whatever it is with the signs. Yeah, subterranean hearts. That lovely video, I don't know if it was an intentional video, a man just stood there with a camera, but he had slight, the hair was crazy, but it was crazy in a boy who's good at science way. Did I tell you about when I had a terrible, terrible argument

with my partner on the Strand? I mean, like, a horrible argument. It's right next to the Savoy, isn't it? Yeah, and we were arguing so much, we had to get off the main road, because people were stopping and, you know, watching us and stuff. You had a slip road argument. Yeah, so we had to go off down a side road,

and then we were in, and it was really, it was, Kath was going on about splitting up and stuff, so it was really horrible. And then I realised I was in the alleyway where Bob Dylan filmed Subterranean Elves in Blue. Standing just about where Alan Ginsberg was standing. Isn't it the Savoy? Yes, it's the Savoy. I know the alleyway. And we can have your anecdote about why you went down there. So I'm in the middle of this horrible route whilst thinking,

hold on a minute, this is the subterranean. It was a very terrible mix between what's coming out of your mouth and what's happening internally. Did you hold up signs to her communicating your anger? If I had and children had seen them, that would have been a very bad thing. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, we go out an hour sort of delayed on the Decade stations.

I do, yes. I love that you know all that info. Yeah, yeah, it's good, isn't it? I'm explaining it to the readersade stations. I do, yes. I love that you know all that info. Yeah, yeah, it's good, isn't it? I'm explaining it to the readers, really. We're still getting songs that people live their life to, in a way. Oh, yeah. When I'm stood in the outfield playing cricket,

I often sing, I don't like cricket, I love it. Although if I'm having a bad day, I leave out the bit about loving it. It's a very fine word. And we've had at least three people I would say saying that when they do housework they sing I Want To Break Free by Queen oh because he vacuums in the

I might start doing that I'd forgotten that I might start doing that housework and I won't shave my tash no I won't shave my tash. No. I won't shave my tash.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, look, I have a friend who's an American comic stroke actor. Oh, now I'm thinking, who's that? And he had a call from Bob Dylan's people saying Bob would really like to meet you. Can you go over to his ranch

type place where he is for dinner? You know this thing? Do you remember I told you Neil Morrissey approached me in a similar way? We went to see Van Morrison at Caesar's Palace Luton. So it's one of those shows occasionally in the world of celebrity, people just contact, you know, just out of the blue.

Tessa Dahl, I remember, invited me to an event. Oh, really? That's exciting. It's a bit like when parents organise a play date for the kids that may not get on. Let me just say, I like that. It's what Michael Caine did with Shakira. I'm going to marry that girl.

Simon Le Bon with Yasmin saw her in the magazine. Brilliant. Anyway, so he went round to Bob Dylan's place. Yeah. And he was driving down the drive, and he saw, he could see Bob Dylan in the distance, in the middle of this field, just walking about in a straightened way.

So he stopped the car, and he was going, um, Bob, it's, hello. And, oh, hey, thanks for coming. And he said, uh, you see a dog? Do you see a big brown dog? And he said, no. He said, oh, I'm trying to get the dog in. He can't, won't, there he is.

There he is. Come on. Hey. Come on. And he said they were out there for like an hour with Bob Dylan calling this dog trying to get it and the dog kept running away I mean he might have a Nobel Prize

but he's got no dog authority that's what I'm hearing he's an extending lead is what he needs exactly I can see him in a field with that hat on. Yeah. I suspect he'd be happy there.

Come on! Hey! Make him sound like Mr Burns. Yeah! Oh, dear. I love all those. Why is it times are changing? Why isn't it just times changing?

I think he wanted to make it sound more folky, sort of traditional. Oh, folky, yeah. He also, he got in touch with Raquel Welsh. Didn't we all? And invited her out to dinner. Oh, he had mischief on his mind.

Yeah, well, I don't know what he had. She was very beautiful. I don't know what she looks like now. She's probably on her fifth face. Actually, absolutely stunning. Is she? Not too much work. Looks great.

I saw her once coming out of Hodson's Bookshop on New Street in Birmingham. She'd done a signing. Are you sure it was her face? It was. She'd done a signing that day, and she smiled, and it was as if the sun had come out. Well, she might have recognised you, Frank. No, I was like 17. Oh, that was your slayed years.

Yes, exactly. But, yeah, so he contacted her, and then they went out to dinner at some posh restaurant, and he had a hooded top on. And after a few, you know, they'd ordered, he put the hooded top on, and then he pulled the strings on the hooded top, so he looked a bit South Park.

And he spent the whole meal sitting like, just a tiny hole with his mouth. With Raquel Welch in a posh restaurant. Come on, he deserves that Nobel Prize. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. My mouth's a bit slightly watering. I'm consuming smoothies.

Smoothies galore! Which is the sort of more modern remake of Whiskey Galore. They're going to go and treat those smoothies. Oh, I love a smoothie. Nigel Hafers is my favourite. Yeah. Lovely, isn't he? Hugh Grant's mine. Oh, yeah. I find him a bit bumbling.

Oh. Oh, really? Do you think he's inclined to bumble? He's got it in his game. For sure. Yeah, I agree with that. So, please can Frank on the radio keep the Bob Dylan stories coming? Well, we'd like to be able to deliver on that promise,

but unfortunately he's only got a limited amount in his repertoire. Isn't that right, Frank? Yeah, I can't think of any more off the top of my head. I'd like to know how um the japanese writer murakami feels is it haruki murakami i always struggle with his first name what i mean when i talk about running what i think about when i when i think about running is it like that i think the answer is bob dylan i think that's what the answer is yeah i don't quite see why people have moaned about him winning it.

No, I don't think he's... Because a lot of people have. They've said, you know, it's not like writing novels and stuff like that. Right. I'll tell you what it reminded me of, and I'm sure lots of people across the globe thought this. It was a bit like when we won Best Speech Programme. And people said, well, it's a sort of, you know,

light-hearted music show type of thing. Well, yes, there was the suggestion. How many kroner did we get? About four million. It was just shy of a mil, wasn't it? We got paid in Vietnamese dong. Did we really? Yes.

Well, you know. What are they? Does that come by the yard? It's about the same value as the pound now. Oh, OK. I would imagine. I've never been to Vietnam, it must have been. I've never been to me.

Charlie don't surf, so it's not my... Say again? It's not a line from... All right. ..from the apocalypse now, is it? Never seen it. Yeah. Well, sometimes they give...

Can I just say something about the Bob Dylan Nobel Prize for literature that he got awarded? Is that a bit of a late review? I mean, he's been around a while, Frank. What is the man, 75? I have to say, he's been in the sort of shortlist forever. Yeah. And they've never quite had the guts to give it to a songwriter.

Respect for the Nobel Prize, the panel, though, because they don't care about being topical. They don't care, the Nobel Prize people. But, Frank, they have no concern about being topical. They're not ashamed. I mean, William Golding won it about three years ago for Lord of the Flies. Sometimes they get very topical. Didn't they give it to Anwar Sadat or something? Yes.

For peace. And then probably the next year he would have got it for warfare, I think if I remember rightly. But they just got him in a good window. But why suddenly William Golding? I'm not sure when it was, but it was a very long time after the fact. It's like they're people sitting around

in a pub saying, what about that one? He's good. I think they want to yeah, it's a sort of a lifetime achievement. They won't call it that, of course, the Nobels because they're a bit grander. Yeah, so I don't know, it made my week.

You know what, I was genuinely thrilled when I heard it. And I haven't been genuinely thrilled since 1988. But hey,'t been genuinely thrilled since 1998. But, hey, that's the way it goes. What else? Well, I'll tell you who's not having such a good week is Toads. Oh, yes.

You heard. Toads. Toads. Toads. There are some words that my accent really does not hit very well. I love the way you say toads. Ugly, innit? Toads.

Listen to how differently we say it. You say it. Toad. Wait, Frank, everyone has their turn. I thought we were going to say them together, and then I thought we needed them as a sort of toad-based chord. Like a toad chorus. Can you have a toad chord?

But I say it very differently to Alan. I say toad. Toad. Toad. You say toad. Let's just say it. We'll do them in sequence. Everyone say toad chord. But I say it very differently to Alan. I say toad. Oh. Oh. See, when you say... Let's just say... We'll do them in sequence. Everyone say toad.

Toad. Toad. Toad. Whose is the best one? So you two sound like your car has been pulled along on a rope. That's what you two sound like. You're saying it with a W-E-D at the end. Toad.

With a W. Yeah. What are you saying? Toad. Toad. Because it's the creature. Toad. Toad.. Yeah. What are you saying? Toad. Toad. Because it's the creature. Toad. Toad. You're not even going anywhere near it. Oh, we've got Toad.

Yeah. Anyway, we kind of did it already. Anyway, you sound like Gary Barlow when you say it, which is relevant. Because like the name Gary, they're on their way out. The Toad. They've had a diminished numbers problem. They've fallen. The population has fallen by two thirds. Yeah, what they need is a sort of a Brian May.

You know, Brian May's been looking after the badgers. Yes. They need... Yes, he has. He's a fan of the haircut. Yeah, they need a... They need a celebrity who will champion the toad. Toad ambassador.

Someone who looks like a toad. Might be. One of the things... Toads. Toad ambassador. Someone who looks like a Toad. Might be. One of the things... Toads have got terrible skin. I mean, I've never seen anything like it. Have you seen the skin on them? OK, Dean Gaffney, is it? Well, I'd sorted that out. Frank Skinner on the radio.

I'm so, I'm so completely... Oh, listen to all the bits in his mouth, Al. I'm sorry. Why did you order a second... He ordered a second round of toast. He never does that normally. Toast. Yeah, toast.

Has anyone emailed in, Alan? Toad was how I said it. We've had 023 texting, Emily Best, Alan's pronunciation sounds somewhat unsanitary. Although that was before Frank finished his toast on air, so, you know, the frame of reference has changed, hasn't it? I was interested to see if there's an organisation called Toads on Roads. Oh, is there? This is the Toad Patrol.

Which they keep a... Well, it's said they're called Toads on Roads, and they keep an eye on how many roadkill toads there are. That's a strange job. Because toads have gone down by 30% or something. Yeah. And they think it's mainly roadkill. Oh, OK. An urban sprawl.

It's interesting, though, isn't it? I love that band. I don't mind toads, but, you know, there's old age pensioners lonely and afraid in their houses, and these people are helping toads across the road. Is that all right? Also, Toads are a little bit whatever happened to. I mean, Toad in the Hole, little bits of the 50s, 60s.

Toad of Toad Hall, very old school. You don't get, where are the toads now in popular culture? What about John Turowd? He's not a toad, he's not a toad if he became the sort of brian may of the because it's got it's sort of got toad in it and also road in it which is the danger area yeah and john is a bit like join join join join join the whole getting toads across the road movement is the implication. It's a little laboured, isn't it, though?

I mean, I don't like to ruin the plan straight away. It's a bit laboured, I'll give you that. Join to road. Join to road. Sounds Yorkshire. Yes. But I like the headline potential. The frog is more likeable of the two, wouldn't you say?

I can't tell the difference. I don't know the difference between a frog and a toad. I think it's like Aussies and Kiwis, and we care even less. Excuse me, the frog is a luscious creature. Green, lively, alert, smooth skin. It jumps. Toad doesn't properly jump. Doesn't it? I don't think so.

But then I said Sweden was out of the EU, so don't trust me. But the texture of it, I don't think they do. I may be wrong. No one of it, I know. Apologies if I'm wrong, but I really don't think they have that level of purchase in the leg.

Yes, I think, well, I once read... A squat, Frank, and ugly and bad skin. Now I think you've gone too far. I associate them with... Too far? I associate them with the witch community. Toads.

Yeah. Toads. It's always like, you know, air of toad, well, not air of toad, that's extremely hard to get hold of. Leg of toad and eye of tiger. Wow. I think it's eye of tiger. No one eats the toad.

They eat the frogs, but they don't eat the toad. Is that right? Yeah. So you'd think they'd be flourishing. Well, they're more reptilian. I appreciate they're amphibian. You are. No, I'm not.

Sorry. I'm going to start all standing up for myself. No, I'm not. I'm not a reptile. You're a bit reptile, yeah. You have that cold air. Do you know what's... I had a film shoot with a tortoise.

Did you? And I held it up to my face. Worked with them all. As if to kiss it, I held it up to my face. Oh, yeah. And I could feel twin jets of cold air. Oh. Cold air coming out of its nostrils. Yes, I did. Cold. Cold, yeah. And I could feel twin jets of cold air coming out of its nostrils.

Yes, I did. Cold, though. I've experienced that, Frank, when I had my tortoise when I was younger. I think I'd like that on a hot day. On a hot day, it'd be perfect. Just keep one down the briefs. Yeah. I'm sure there's rules about that, but...

You could bat in one. If it was to get the carapace properly adjusted, it would be well. I don't know, I'd like to know the difference. If anyone can text in brief for the difference between a toad and a frog. Is it green and brown? Is it as simple as that?

No, the texture... I'm sure it's more complex. And I think the frog, from my experience, which I won't go into here, but they tend to be more agile, the frog. Yeah. Back with the agility thing. Just leave off. Well, what puts me off this is a bit unfair.

I once read a long article about a celebrity's favourite books. Oh, yeah. And about seven of them picked Toad of Toad, or Wind in the Willows, I think. It's a bit Great Gatsby, isn't it? Yeah. They all go for it, the obvious. I thought, I'd say all of them were on that celebrity list

for which one might use the heading Fools. Can't wait to find out who was on that one. And I thought, they hadn't read a book since they read that. And it made me think that the whole toad phenomenon was a bit low-ret. But maybe that's harsh. That doesn't mean I want them to die out in case there's any naturalists. No wonder they're dying out if they're wearing boaters and putting on jackets. Yeah, and driving too fast.

Driving motorcars. Yeah, I don't think that's general. Is that generally true of them? I don't think so. I've never read Wind in the Willows. Have you not? It's a kid's book, isn't it? You're not missing much.

It's a kid's book? Yeah. There you go then. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So the difference between the frog and the toad, Howard says Frank the, Frank, comma, sorry, not Frank the toad, Howard says Frank the... Frank, comma. Sorry, not Frank the toad. It's like Mac the Knife.

Frank the toad is more warty and a lot larger than a frog. Frogs are a lot more agile. Toads are also poisonous. It's made me think I've never seen a toad. Oh, I've seen toads, mate. I've seen toads. Oh, I've seen some. Yeah.

I've been to Hollywood. I've been toads, mate. I've seen toads. Oh, I've seen some. Yeah. I've been to Hollywood. I've been to Redwood. Mm. I haven't seen a toad, though. It's the toad you used to refer to. I've been undressed by kings, and I've seen some things that a woman just shouldn't see. Tell me about it.

Mm-hm. I've been to paradise, but I've never seen a toad. Yeah, that's how it goes, isn't it? Yeah. You've been undressed by queens. Howard, who just texted, did also add, they both travel across roads when it's wet, as it's easier to travel then.

Oh. They obviously don't wear desert boots. Oh. God, I went at me desert boots. Terrible sleeping hazards. Oh, absolutely lethal. Yeah. It's like being Torval and Dean.

It is. Torval slash Dean. Well, it's like being like that anyway for me. All the time, at least 50% of that. That'd be a good... Very slippy shoes. Shall we have another text in? I've just thought of another text.

What is it? Are you familiar with the ampersand? I am. And can any of you don't know, just look at an M&M. M&M. It's that sign

that signifies plus. It's like an squiggly. It's not a million miles away from the Cumberland sausage at sign one uses on Twitter. Many get them confused. So the ampersand.

So what about high profile ampersands? And we'll use M&M as a start. And well, what inspired this was Torval and Dean, presumably. Yeah, but I don't think

they ever used one. But a lot of true shop. Well, they were missing a trip. A shoe shop, Russell and Hobbs. Russell and Bromley. Russell Hobbs is a kettle brand. Oh, that's right, yeah. So, yeah, so high-profile.

Funny shoes you're wearing. Hang on, that reminds me, I need a new kettle and some new shoes. I think... To get them both in the same shop. Yeah, so M&M's. No, no, no, no, no. M&M's M&M's

M&M's, interestingly This is like when we're in the back of the car and our dad's getting really cross with us and he thinks you know what, I'm not going to dignify their childishness I'm going to carry on as if it's not happening. I'm not going to talk anymore about the high profile ampersand texting Oh Frank, I want to know about it

I think that I think it's a good, there must be lots of brands that use a high-profile ampersand. Well, anyway. Well, a lot of brands do, don't they? Like Russell and Bromley, you were saying. Actually, I said Russell and Hobbs, didn't I? Well, there you go. I'll bet you they come flooding in.

I'll bet there'll be at least 100. But that's a good question. Do any double acts, have they officially adopted? I mean, you missed the trick. You and David could have done it. I don't think we ever used an ampersand. We may have, though. It would have looked lovely with your name, Skinner and Baddiel.

Actually, you know what? Was it Baddiel and Skinner? I have an image now. It was very much Baddiel and Skinner. Frank, you did use an ampersand. David Baddiel, if you're listening, can you text in? I'm sure image now. It was very much Baddiel and Skinner. Frank, you did use an ampersand. David Baddiel, if you're listening, can you text in? I'm sure you did. I think when we did the live show at Shaftesbury Avenue,

I think we might have used an ampersand. Nice. Yes, I did. Whether I'd call it high profile is neither hither nor nither. I can't speak. Would you just leave me alone, you people? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Whilst we're in Animal Corner,

there's been some cod news as well. Cod news? Yeah. Have you not heard about this? Is it real news or is it fake news? It's cod news. Well, the first thing that I didn't know is that cods have regional accents. Apparently, they have regional accents and they...

They... Yeah, they make a noise, don't they, with their... Do they speak with their bladders or something like that? Well, don't we all laugh? David Cameron used... Wasn't that David Cameron's thing? Yeah. He said he'd...

It gave him focus. He's absolutely desperate for a, wasn't that David Cameron? Yeah. He said he'd get focused. He's absolutely desperate for a wee and then do a speech. Yeah. Anyway, the point is that, yeah, they attract each other using their bladders.

And apparently there's something of an issue now because they're having to go, is this because of climate change, Al? I feel you'll know about this. They're getting out of their waters. Noise pollution. Yeah, yeah.

So they're out of their waters and then they can't chat up. They can't communicate. Or the cods that live round the corner, let's say. You know, the cod from the next bit of the sea. Yeah. A Cornish, yeah. They're going, why I man, how are you? And the other cod are going, I don't know what you're saying.

That sort of stuff, you know? So a Cornish cod would struggle to communicate with the Scouse cod? Yeah. For example. I don't remember this being a problem on tour. I think the language that you speak is love. Wow. Disgusting.

But, Frank, what I find strange is it is an odd... It's an odd development. An odd cod. Because I didn't know that the cod was so old-fashioned about mating, if I may use that word. I mean, they've all gone a bit, oh, I have to get to know you before I can mate with you. Yeah. Why can't they just get it on?

See, I remember there being a thing that people saying there won't be any cod in chip shops because there's a big shortage and the EU won't let us have it. Yeah. And it never ever went away, did it? I think it's still on the scene. No, it's still there. I have cod and chips on a regular basis. I mean, if I'm absolutely honest, I prefer a haddock.

You are being ridiculous. No. I like cake. Oh, I like cake. But we're talking about main course now. But yeah, I prefer a haddock. I like a cod roe as well. A cod roe?

Oh, yes. We could just talk about what we like for hours. It's like a big shabby pound piece of cab roe. It comes in that sort of circular thing. I'll tell you what I've never got into. Oh, yeah. The sausage in the batter. What's it called? Oh, a savoy. A batter of sausage. I hate the savoy. bro it comes in that sort of circular thing i'll tell you what i've never got into oh yeah the sausage in the batter what's it called oh savoy i hate the savoy oh man i i always had savoy and chips only so i could just entertain my friends with it for 20 minutes before i ate it i love

that you had a comedy a comedy purchase i tell you what i did used to work with the daughter of mr cod did you who's mr cod remember to work with the daughter of Mr Cod. Did you? Who's that? Who's Mr Cod? Remember there was a chain of fish and chip shops called Mr Cod? I've said it before and I've said it again. Worked with them all? He's worked with them all. I mean, he's not just worked with the tortoise that blew coal there on him.

Wasn't the Codfather as well? Wasn't that the... Yes. That is a good one. That's some good, yeah. Sid, you notice they don't build them on haddock or hake? No, I've got a haddock. I bet there's some place ponds in chip shops.

Yes. But, Frank, can we just... Some of them are good. I am a bit confused by this cod thing, that I didn't know that fish had bants. Yeah. No. I mean, I didn't know they discriminated against one another

based on the level of bants. So if you lay on the beach at night with one ear in the water, would you hear fish bants? Yeah. Oh. I mean, you'd need to be fluent, obviously. It can't be a noise, can it? It is a noise.

I think it is a noise. They make a noise underwater? Yes, instead of like... Oh, yeah, I have heard that. Yeah, I've heard that. I have heard that. You know, there's probably cods listening to this now, thinking, who's that?

She sounds nice. Ooh, baby. The trouble is, they're based in Liverpool, Frank, so it'll never be between me and them. What is cod for ooh, baby? I have no idea. so it'll never be between me and them. What is cod for ooh, baby?

The idea is... French Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. We had an email earlier that was charting the territory of whatever happened to, which we feature on the show every now and again, whatever happened to. We do.

And they said whatever happened to email corner. You seem to the show every now and again. And they said, whatever happened to email corner? You seem to do the emails as and when. Whatever happened to email corner? What did ever happen to? Only if I can put two jingles together to ask

that question. Let's try this now. Gather round. DJ. Yes. Whatever happens to me Me by gum, me by gum, me by gum mill corner. Good bit of mix in that, Frank. Excellent. Yeah, I think it fell down the stairs, as we say

in the DJ business. I do, I didn't hear that. Is that what they say in the DJ business? Oh, God, yeah. Frank Skinner on the ones and twos, ladies and gentlemen. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it. He's on the decks. That's something that I said. I've been doing a bit of scratching.

Let's return, Evu, to email corner. We'll just brush past that quickly. Hi, Frank Emily Allen et al. Hi. This week, I went to the Chiropodist for the first time, and not only do I feel four stone lighter in terms of hard foot skin... Wow. That's a lot.

You must have big feet. It is. I've had that feeling. I'm overdue. Really? I'm overdue for the Chiropodist. Do you go to the Chiropodist? Oh, dear.

I love it. Oh. Really? Yeah. How often are you going? Like, per year? Let's go for it per year. Per year I probably go five, six times.

What? Shut up. Really? I love it. You must have the tidiest feet of any man of your age. Well, I'm over two, but I love to be able to lie in bed and rub my feet together and I can't hear anything. Oh, yeah.

You see, I can hear. But you see, I don't go to one because I get the regular pedi and they get the regular pedi. And they get the razors out, which the girls will be familiar with, to shave the dry skin, the hard skin. A lot of nodding around the studio. I was anxious where that was going. I feel like I've got the least Kemp'd feet of any of us.

I just put shoes and socks on and go. You know Gary and Martin Kemp? No, I've never been here. Put it that way, Frank. No. I wash socks on and go. I mean, I wash them. You know Gary and Martin Kemp? No, I've never been here. Put it that way, Frank. No. I wash my feet and go. That sounds like a shampoo adverb, doesn't it? Oh, no, I love it. When they get the little sand in, this game.

Oh, I've been on the receiving end of that. When they get the vice out, oh, it's just me. When I leave there, I feel like part of my soul remains. Anyway. And of course it does. Frank Skinner on the radio. Can I ask you, while we're on that,

would you say chiropodist? Yeah. Yeah. You wouldn't say chiropodist? No. No. People do.

I've heard chiropodist. Chirup. Chirup. Talking to a parrot. Yeah. They don't chirup. Chirup. Chiro... I'm talking to a parrot. They don't chirup. Chirup. Don't they? No, they speak little tiny baby chicks, you're thinking of.

No, that's birds, chirup. So you'd say chiropodist. I'd say chiropodist, yeah. Chiropodist, yeah. Although I've got a bit of previous mispronouncing things. But chiropractor, you'd say. Yeah, it's a different job, though, isn't it? That's the back glove.

It's the same chiro, it's the same root. Anyway. Yeah. Route. Anyway. Root. Gem. Natty Root.

Gemma in Teesside, who was the... Dread, Natty, dread. Come on. No. Carry on. He's been having that orange aid again. She was the one who left chiropodist feeling four stone lighter in terms of hard foot skin. She says she also left surprisingly enlightened about a major news event of recent times.

We discussed at great length Cameron's lament. Do you remember Cameron humming on the doorstep? Oh, yes. So Cameron did his farewell speech and then he walked to number 10, and as he walked, he... He went. Here it comes. Do-do-do-do. Okay. I thought you'd like to know that a

family member of my chiropodist was in 10 Downing Street when said lament occurred. And apparently the reason behind it was dot-dot-dot, drumroll please. Frank, do some sort of approximation of a drumroll, like a Bob Dylan thing. I know, I've got something.

You've got all your instruments. Just give me one moment. He hummed so they knew when to open the door. Boring as hell, right? Keep up the average show so I can maybe keep listening. I'm amazed. knew when to open the door. Boring as hell, right? Keep up the average show so I can maybe keep listening. I'm amazed that they could... I think that's brilliant. Has he not heard of the doorbell?

No, but he couldn't do that, could he? Because he just said goodbye every time, then it looked like he had to ring the bell to get in. They don't have a doorbell there. But they must have good hearing. There's a knocker that he would go on. There's not a doorbell. Or they could have watched it on the telly.

Yeah, and saw him coming. It was a delay in case he swore. Yeah. I wouldn't have took any risks. I'd have gone for the older... Eeeeee Eeeeee!

Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!

Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!

Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!

Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!

Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!

Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!

Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!

Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!

Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!

Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! fancy that. So it's one of the great mysteries we found out second hand through a chiropodist using reader. Several months later. Breaking news. What next? And yes, thanks for listening

this morning. Now I have to do a bit of a correction here because one of our readers last week pointed out that when I say we'll be back again this time next week, I'm actually saying it at the end of the show, so we'll actually be back three hours earlier, which of course has meant it. But I'm going to try it.

So, thanks for listening, and if the good Lord spares us and the Craigstone Rise, we'll be back next Saturday morning on Absolute Radio, where real music matters. Now get out. Hear the Frank Skinner show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8

FM in London and the South East.