The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Isaac Newton

Episode Date: May 27, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week on the show the team discuss life regression, the five second rule and Frank's recent online purchase.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. If you'd like to text our show, you can do it by using the following numbers, 812 15. You can follow the show on Twitter at, that's the Cumberland sausage symbol frank on the radio or you can email the show via the absolute radio website those are your options do with that information what you will yeah exactly that is your mission should you choose to accept it as i think was once said can i um begin by saying we've had i mean we've had the most difficult morning we're coming and someone had unscrewed emily dean's microphone bracket yeah i mean nobody puts baby in the corner

oh that was the wrong one but nobody unscrews my mic it was for lawn it was absolutely for lawn unfortunately lawn didn't turn up. Who could that be? It could only be Lorne Green, who played Ben Cartwright in Bonanza. That's the only Lorne. Lorne Michaels. The only Lorne. Lorne Michaels, that's right. I tried to prop the mic up with a red plastic stationery box, but it wasn't working.

That sounds at the beginning of a fabulous... If you come into a poetry reading and someone says, I tried to prop the mic up with a red stationary box, but my eyes dwelt upon the mercy of the landscape. I mean, whoever was in this studio last night, I hope you enjoyed yourself. Whoever it was, they had a screwdriver. Or two. Aye? Aye, they had a screwdriver. Or two. Aye?

It was a cocktails joke. Oh, yeah. My mother-in-law, who is in her mid-seventies, told me last week she's never had a cocktail in her life. No. Really? Can you believe that? I didn't, frankly.

I think she's had so many, she doesn't remember any of them. She likes the champagne. Oh, man, she likes the drink. God bless her. Well, in fairness to Sandy... None. What else have they got at that age? She's a moderate drinker. What am I going to do, frankly, if I make it?

Christmas is in vomitsits for she likes to drink Hot chocolates Vomits for us They have special vomits for us Where they drink as much as it's absolutely possible Like in the Roman times They had vomits for us They had vomitoriums

They did have vomitoriums You went to a few of those in the 80s I sought them out. Oh, being sick was such a joy when I was a heavy drinker. It was great, just like pressing a fabulous release button. The release, yeah, yeah. Oh, wonderful. I never even thought about it.

You know, it's an event now. When you're a sober person, if you're sick, it's a really big event. Then... Was it really regular? Oh, every night. Every night. And thought nothing of it.

I did no more than sneezing. Those were the days. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I like a bit of music. You do, don't you? That's why I work for a station where real music matters. It does. And I did a musical thing, which I haven't done since...

I can't remember the last time. I watched MTV. What? I used to watch... Is it still going? I used to settle down and watch MTV. It might be two o'clock in the afternoon, and I'd think, I'll watch one more video,

I'll do the next quarter of an hour, I'll do half an hour, and it used to be midnight, and I'd just watched MTV, I was so lucky. Do they still show music? Isn't it all Ex on the Beach and Teen Mom now? Well, the one I,

there's a few MTV, the one I was watching was um it was pop videos as one might expect and it was what did you see well i'll tell you what this is what i have to share i saw the new um harry styles has brought out a single sign of the time sign of the time have you seen the video no i've just seen clips from it. Is it black and white? I haven't. When's the last time I laughed that much? I mean, I laughed...

I didn't laugh myself into a painful situation, but I laughed myself to a point... You know when you laugh where there's a sort of chemical released in your head that takes you into a dreamlike state i think it's lack of oxygen um i know to be funny no no it's not a comedy i find things that are meant to be funny are never as funny as that no it's it's really special i mean. So talk us through the narrative of A Sight of the Times. OK, well, look, it's what you'd expect. It's him sort of wandering around a cliff being windswept with his, you know, his hair.

Coat? Is he wearing a croissant coat? Yes, he is wearing, I think he's wearing one of those sort of romantic poet frock coats, as I remember. But, you know, when you look back, you might be imposing things on H-styles. Of course, the whole thing's become iconic. Is it black and white, Frank? I don't think it is black and white. No.

No, it's not black and white. It should be. I'm going to have to... The fez is in place. It's because the show started so late today. Not my fault that we've been horrid and long. I mean, I can't work like this. I just can't.

You know, it's comedy versus the clock. The clock always wins. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Joy V has been in touch. Oh, good. Via the Twitter. He says, Alan autobiography. He hasn't put Alan's, it's just Alan autobiography.

Well, I don't think, I mean, people are busy. I know. Should be called The Cocktails, C-O-C-H. I mean, there's a lot of pun potential there. Yes. Nice. And I was going to go with Alan's anecdotes, but The Cocktails is better, doesn't it?

No, no, the cocktails is good. It's two puns as well. Write it down. It's my advice. OK. We've also had a correctione from Troy, who says... I'm going to get a jingle that goes, Correctione, correctione, ole, ole, ole.

I am really. He's spelt it in the Correzione. He's done it in the right way. He's spelt Correzione. And then he said, Vomitorium was simply the exit from large buildings. This is in Roman times. Rooms in which to be sick weren't really a thing.

I mean, possibly that is some sort of urban myth. Vomitorium. You can see why the word vomit sort of expelling could be expelling the crowds from the amphitheater yeah yeah and i think often i think often um just before the door closed the aperture went yeah just to get the last bits of the crowd and sometimes the crowd actually came out through the windows when you get it really bad. There's two windows just above the main entrance. Enjoy your breakfast, everyone. Exactly.

And we're getting in some pictures. Last week we were talking about cuckoo spit on Absolute Radio. And we're getting in some lovely pictures of cuckoo spit. Yeah, I got one yesterday from a friend of cuckoo spit on her lavender. I know, I know, it's serious. She's in touch again after all these years. Exactly.

David has been in touch. Nice that she kept it. Wow. Cuckoo spit served on a bed of rosemary, he says. Oh, nice. Is that all right? Yeah.

I'm worried there's something untoward in there. After what you just said. I know, but it's the use of rosemary. Anyway, let's not. Let's just not. Can you, meanwhile... So I'm watching MTV. I've looked up. I've gone into the area.

Styles is on. Yeah, so Harry Styles comes on and he sings A Sign of the Times. Of course, I was fully anticipating, it's a sign of the times. Yeah. Wasn't that? And he's standing, they like to be windswept and they like to look troubled. With his locks, they would.

Yeah. I mean, he's so lustrous and dense. Lovely hair. Lovely. And like I say, I'm remembering him in a sort of dress like Percy B. Shelley. I think there was an element to that. Yes, with the sort of slightly towey boots. They've got those Victoriana boots, the Essex lad. Yeah, I think buckled.

Oh, buckled. OK, yeah. Anyway, suddenly, up he goes. And he flies. Oh, my goodness. He doesn't. Anyway, suddenly, up he goes. And he flies. Oh, my goodness. He doesn't. And I'm not kidding. And I thought, oh, he's flown.

And I laughed a bit. But, I mean, he flew for, well, I'd say more or less the duration then. He stayed up. Once he was up, he stayed up, Stiles. That is his reputation. And it was very, because... So, was he flying over sort of hill and dale? Was it like the snowman?

Do you remember holding out for a hero? I do. Do you remember that David Copperfield featured in this? Flying over the Grand Canyon. Now, what David... I've always thought if I had the power of flying... You know, Superman uses the extended fist when he flies. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's the temptation, or both hands straight forward. Yeah. I've often thought I'd go hands behind the back. Oh, right. Sitting position. Yes. Nice.

And if you remember, David Copperfield was sort of full lotus, sort of cross-legged. And he went sort of guru. He was more sort of Aladdin's kind of sort of aladdin's car he never really he never really made his mind up he doesn't commit but he flew for a long time so what was his um stance when his flying stance how would you describe it i mean with the hands i think he bet one leg at one but now i think he was trying to not you know that they're very self-conscious the young men and i think he was trying to fly but not look like he was too to not you know they're very self-conscious the young men and i think he

was trying to fly but not look like he was too into it right was he regional panto peter pan oh he fell somewhere between david copperfield and holding out for a hero and um the saxophonist in baggy trousers that he was he was somewhere in there. Chaz Smash. Was that his name? I believe so, yeah. Chaz Smash. Good reference. If it isn't, it should have been his name.

I think it was, yeah. Because someone called Chaz Smash in Madness is as perfect as someone with a blue pinstripe jacket and black jeans and a trilby in Jules Holland's bag. Do you know what I mean? There's that kind of thing places where people but i i do urge you to watch sign of the times i i laughed like there was no tamara beckwith some people have suggested that it reminded them of a bit of david bowie the song oh i was i couldn't hear the song. I was laughing. What's the best flying you've ever seen on a pop video?

8, 12, 15. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We might already need the Correzione jingle. Yeah.

Correzione, Correzione, Ole, ole, ole. We've had a few people text, but particularly Stephen Bickley has texted, sorry Emily, madness sax player was and still is Lee Thompson.

Nice try. Well, yes, but... I think it was good knowledge. 265, whose response I prefer, if I'm going to be completely frank here. Correction, it's Lee Thompson who plays the sax on Baggy Trousers, not Chaz Smash. But he does then go on to explain Chaz Smash's significance.

Chaz Smash stands around looking gorgeous in a crombie coat. That's Vicky from Perth. Not the first man to do that in a Madness video. Do they do anything else? Do they just have a pile of crombie coats just off camera? Just loads of them in case anybody walks past? You know how Ant and Dec had to stand in their formation in their correct order? Did Madness constantly

have to stand in that sort of Ascent of Man pose? When they went out, did they actually do that? Did they ever do that walk in the street on the step in a crosswalk? Oh, yes. What was it called, the walk? That had a name. Was it the Madness Walk? No.

Doing the Madness Walk. Some. Doing the Madness Walk. Some one of our listeners walked there. They were simpler times. We've also had a text from 358 saying, Frank, it was Lee Kicks Thompson in Madness. Kicks? I would have bet a penny to a pound that his nickname would have been Tom-er,

Lee Tom-er Thompson. No, Kicks is better, though, isn't he? Is it? Is that because he lived for Kix? Yeah. Maybe. If Kix are a cigarette and a pint in a Kentish Town pub, yes. Or maybe he was a tiller girl at one point in his life. Possibly.

Google it. We've also had a number of people respond with their favourite flying in a video. They've taken you at your word. Well, I meant it. Christopher Walken in Fatboy Slim. Does he fly in that? Alan and Kent has suggested. I'd forgotten.

I remember his fabulous dancing. I didn't remember him flying. And caller 123 has texted, didn't Morton Watts' face fly in one of... Morton Harkett. Morton Harkett, indeed, fly in one of R. Haas' videos in an animated fashion? Oh, take on me. Remember the cartoon?

Oh, lovely. Yeah, was Harry Styles animated or was there a visible jetpack or anything? He's never that animated. I've heard he is. No, I think what he did is, they've said we can fly you, but here's the budget for it and he's gone, how much?

it's going to cost that much, I want to fly for the whole video now that's going to look a bit weird look, if we're going to be able to alright Harry, don't upset Harry I've told you before there is a story that the Beatles help video is them skiing because they were deciding what the video should be and they all went

we've never been skiing let's go skiing, so they just got if you're the Beatles, you and they all went, well we've never been skiing let's go skiing so they just got on if you're the Beatles you can do what you're done well awesome, absolutely they're very good the Beatles looking back hashtag late review

didn't someone on the show once say they were underrated not me no they did what the Beatles fools I think I think. I think one can say many things about them. Still the best one is the letters of the Times that says people should remember them,

which they've done for the British cord ride. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Go on, you took a breath, what are you going to speak? Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Um, I... Go on, you took a breath, what are you going to speak? Well, I was just going to say 598 has been in touch with what he calls Correzione Duale. Correzione Duale, Correzione Duale. OK.

The walk, i.e. the madness walk, is the Nutty Train. Is it really? And Lee's nickname is Kix, K-I-X.e. the Madness Walk, is the Nutty Train. Is it really? And Lee's nickname is Kix. K-I-X. Oh. That's odd, because the Nutty Train is what I call my excrement. What a coincidence. Blimey!

What a coincidence. This show's changed. I mean, I think we can safely say none of us saw that train coming. Totally. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank. Totally. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I somewhat indulged myself this week.

Oh. I'll tell you what I did. Great to hear what that tale's going to entail. Well, there's something that I've, when I was a child, I hankered for. Oh, yeah? And to be honest, we didn't have the money. Oh. I need some sort of sound. Yeah, can we do some?

Do-do-do-do. That's what we've got on the, here we go. And we didn't... Any chance to hear this, you'll play it. We didn't really have the money, so I never got one. Now I've got older and I've got a few of Bob in my pocket, I thought, I'll go back. So the thing I wanted was a Hopalong Cassidy wristwatch.

Lovely. Are you familiar with the work of Hopalong Cassidy? I don't recall him. I've heard of it, yes. He was a cowboy hero. He was played by William Boyd, the American actor. He was in the 70s, wasn't he? No, he was much further back than that.

Anyway, for some reason, his watches, they abided way past his golden age, really. So in the 60s kids at our school, not many, maybe three, had got the Hopalong Cassidy watch. And it just suddenly occurred to me the other day, hold on, there's probably one on eBay.

So I'm now the owner of a Hopalong Cassidy wristwatch after all these years. And nobody has let me down. Are you pleased with the purchase? Are you prepared to say the outlay?

Did you reach down? Well, it's a bit... Is it expensive? 145 quid. Oh. But that's not too bad for a watch, is it? More than I feared, less than I hoped. Yeah.

Think about it. Not for a man of your means. A little bit of what you fancy. How much would you pay for it? You've worked hard for it watch, is it? More than I feared, less than I hoped. Yeah. Think about it. Not for a man of your means. A little bit of what you fancy. How much would you pay for it? You've worked hard for it, haven't you? Yeah. You've worked hard for it. It's actually into some old aunt.

You've worked hard for it. A little bit of what you fancy, dear. Oh, and a baby sham. You know, I don't want to be slipping away off this mortal coil thinking, I never did. Yeah. I never did get the Hopalung Cassidy watch.

I'm glad you bought the watch. Yeah. One of the problems with it, because it's aimed at children, and I have a very slim wrist. I'm lucky in that respect. I've never been lucky in any other area of my life. But it means the watch fits.

Nice. And as they say, if the watch fits, wear it. You've got it on today, Frank. But I have got it on. But it's safe to watch for it to wear it. You've got it on today, Frank. But I have got it on. But it looks... It does look slightly out of context on a grown-up man's wrist. Especially now watches have got so much bigger in modern years. Oh, now you tell me I'd better get rid of the Hello Kitty one I was wearing.

But I think for something you love, Frank... Yeah, exactly. Probably the 45 nose. 145. And it's got engraved on the back. They all had this, I should say. Good luck from Hoppy. Oh, nice.

Oh, I mean, come on. Absolutely marvellous. And I'll tell you something more about him after the break. Was it MIB? Is that a sausage and a roll in a box for me? No, I know this because of Jonathan Ross, who is a collector, as you know. Oh, no, it wasn't in box. Mint in box, yeah.

In the box, it used to come, it was stretched over a small saddle. Oh, nice. But I don't care about the box. No. Stick the box, that's what I say. Is that what you sent to the eBay seller? Yeah, I don't want the box. I just want, just give me the goods.

Yeah, but it's very, I might do a picture for the, Oh, I think you should do it for the social media. What do they call it? Social media. Yes, I might do one for that. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with a little bit of apple in his teeth, but not too bad. I just wondered if you were eating. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran on this occasion. I'm happy to say. You can text us on 81215. People have. We've got all sorts of correspondence already occurring.

You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, also a vibrant source of communication. Or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You may think that sounds more stagnant, but no. Now, Nugget has a controversial statement. He says, IMHO, you may be familiar with this,

in my humble opinion. I am who? Hopalong Cassidy had the uncoolest cowboy hat on the silver screen. Hashtag late review. He had quite a big hat. Did he? But there were a few of them. Tom Meeks had a very big hat.

I don't think there can be such a thing as an uncool cowboy hat in IMHO, Nugget. Well, there are some that, yeah, it's when they don't dip. You know how they sort of dip and then rise again is the top of a cop comp? Some of them just keep going and they look less cool, I think. Then they do move into the marmalade mines of knotty ash territory. Yes. Is it marmalade Mines of Notty Ash territory. Yes. Was it Marmalade Mines? Something like that.

Oh, someone will tell us in a correction, I'm sure. Oh, yes, I will tell you. Love is like a violin. In what respect? Well, I haven't really thought it through. Very good. We've also had a few people, sorry to break this to you, texting saying you've overpaid for your

wristwatch there, Frank. Frank, I hate to tell you, but you've overpaid. There is a watch complete with saddle packaging for £102 from Lewis. Is it working? He doesn't say, but... You get what you pay for, love. So far, mine works. Don't...

Yeah. Don't urinate on my pageant. Don't urinate on my pageant. Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just telling you from Lewis that he thinks you've overpaid. Stop starting sentences with don't, both of you. Okay. Don't do it. Well, thanks for keeping me posted. Who knows, I might buy another one. Yeah, get a few.

I've got two wrists. If you buy four, it'll even out and they'll be down to about £80 each. Look, you pay what you think it's worth. Yeah? In life. Yes. Hang on. You can't do that in John Lewis for a computer.

Life. Ooh, life. Ooh, life. You can't tell, but I'm actually flying at the moment. Well, we can see it, but... Yeah, hold on, I'll just zip it up. Imagine if you were East. That's what people used to say, you're flying, mate.

Your fly hole was open. They don't even say fly hole anymore, do they? No. Flies. I mean, fly hole was always a strange term. Oh, can we not talk about this? Sounded like it attracted flies. Stop it!

OK. Thank you. Anyway, they also had... While I was on there getting my, as it turns out, vastly overpriced watch... You're good for it. Well, you know what? I'll tell you what I did.

I finished the live show, the live ITV show this week, and what I've started doing, now that one gets less and less end gifts on television. So one time if you finished a series you get a lovely gift. I still get one on Room 101. What do you get now then? Have you had one from Room 101?

No, we had no. There was nice flowers and a framed thing and stuff. What I do nowadays I got a meat voucher. What I do nowadays is I buy myself an end of thing present, which I think is nice. Yeah. Because what's the chances of anyone thinking,

I know what he'd like, Hopalong Cassidy, Miss Swatch. I mean, they're going to have to know me pretty well. Yeah. You don't get to know them that well. No, they don't get to know me that well. International man of mystery. So, yes, when I went on there, I saw they also had some, I wasn't aware these existed, I never saw these,

Lockheed Hopalong Cassidy coins. Because Hopalong Cassidy used to tell a story about, he was out one day and I was firing some of the finest kettle I ever saw. And suddenly I saw these two strangers. You can guess it. He gets shot and he's got a coin in his pocket. No, spoiler alert. It hits the coin and saves him.

Excellent. So you can get Lucky Coins. Now, I think he used to send them out free. Absolute Radio doesn't endorse lucky coins, though. No. Not yet. No. But his lucky coins, I had a look at it.

On it, it's got a four-leaf clover, a horseshoe and a wishbone. I thought, all right, I'll prolong. Belt and braces, mate. Take it easy. How much are the coins? Oh, they're about eight quid. Oh. I don't want a coin. Yeah.

I say I don't want one. If anyone's got one, I don't want one. I'd like a Bitcoin. They're worth a bit. I don't really know what that is. Worth a lot of money. Is that what you buy? They're out of my price range now. Is that what you buy horse equipment with? No. Rubbish.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Did I ever tell you Bob Monk escaped me a watch? Did I ever tell you that? What a lovely story. I love stories like this. I genuinely love this story. There's nothing not to like about it. He took me out for lunch

and that very morning I'd sat I was sitting at home and I could hear and I thought what is that and I went out and I went into the utility room

and it was my watch knocking at the window of the washing machine. I'd put it, it was in my pocket and I'd wash them. The days where I wore jeans. So let's go back a bit. I call those the Clarkson years. So I told her I was having lunch, I think it was the Navy Club or something it was called,

with Bob Moncast. I told him the story. And he went, hmm. And he opened this attaché case that he had with him. He had a watch in it and he gave it to me. You know, newish. And it's very, you know, it's lovely. I was quite moved to get a watch from such a great man.

So anyway, I had it valued. And it was worth 200 quid, which was a lot of money in those days. Wow. Can you remember who it was by, the watch? I think it was Seco. Oh, yes, OK, yeah. I think that was the name of the bloke in the shop.

And I'll tell you what happened with that in the shop, is that the bloke, this sounds like I've made it up, but I promise this is true. I asked the bloke, he said, I can't have a too big a look at it because I don't want to break the seal on it. I said, how do you mean? He said, well, the good thing about this watch is you can swim in it.

And I said, that's amazing because i can't swim i've got nothing from him absolutely your response then was like a standing ovation compared to what i got from this bloke was it was it your first experience of stony ground it, but not, as we know, my last. More of which later. We should maybe do, we should do, because it was the last chance to do Stoney Ground. Well, yeah.

Okay, well, shall we do Stoney Ground? Have you got the jingle? I've always got the jingle. Oh, yeah, we were about to use the jingle. There'll always be scopes for Stoney Ground.

I can do Stoney Ground live on the hoof. Yeah. As it happens. I feel confident that we've Stoney Ground in life can do Stony Ground live on the hoof as it happens. I feel confident that we've seen Stony Ground in life. I don't think you can still say as it happens. That's gone as a phrase. Some of them be fallen for me dry.

Yes, hopefully that one. I think it didn't, that was the problem. So I watched it this week, Frank. Oh, thank you for your support. Daisy, we always have a bit of a text-a-thon while it's going on. And she comments on your clothes as well. Often she goes, love the sports jacket, Em. Oh, OK.

She loves your jacket. But I worry that she comments on the clothes, because my mother always said that's the worst thing you can do. When she ran into an actress friend in the street once, and the friend said, I saw you on the bill last night. Loved your hair. Bye. Oh, yes. I did a pilot once for the

BBC, a pilot show, and it was poor. And Kath was in the audience, which is always a worry because she's not the best. She can't do the lying thing. And she said to me, they did a really good job of covering up that spot.

That was the end of the praise. Well, that wasn't the end of our praise, I should say. We discussed it at great length. I struggled to find much stony ground this week. Well, I did. Obviously, they're sticking me like a thorn in the foot of the lion, what met Androcles.

Yes. But I'm being again pushed, because the show started late, not my fault, I'm being pushed by the producer to move on, so we'll come back to this. But honestly, it's like walking through a bazaar in Istanbul that is always togging up my sleeve Frank, we've had a I'm going to call it, it's an unnecessary correctione

I need another jingle. Am I singing? All I want to do is I want to combine Italian and French and say correctione tres unnecessary. I think you should go for it. It's a bit of a difficult song. Yeah, I know. I might have to do a sort of a Tom White's correctione.

Tres unnecessary. There's all the voices, don't there? Tom White's Correctione Traits Unnecessaire There's all the voices, don't there? So, the Correctione Traits Unnecessaire is from Martin who says Ben Cartwright was played by Lorne Green not, in caps, Lorne Michaels.

I said he was played by Lorne Green. And I said, I don't know anyone else called Lorne, and you said Lorne Michaels. Lorne Michaels, I said he was played by Lorne Green. Yeah. And I said... And I said, I don't know anyone else called Lorne, and you said Lorne Michaels. Lorne Michaels, who produces SNL, Saturday Night Live. There you go. Come on, be fair, guys. Yeah. You know, we do make mistakes, but...

Not this time. I don't want people to think that I don't know that Ben Cartwright was played by Lorne Green and that Horst Cartwright was played by Dan Blocker and that Little Joe Cartwright was played by Michael Landon. Nice. And that Penel Roberts played Adam Cartwright in a toupee. OK, I don't know who played either Hop Sing,

the Faithful Manservant, or Sheriff Roy Coffey, but nobody's perfect. We'll find those out now. But you do know. But I had a house, a little house that my dad built for me at the top of my garden. Made out of what we used to call pilings, which is the wooden things from

the fences that the council put up, which my dad procured. And he made me a little log cabin out of them. By assaulting people's eyes. And put a sign over the top called the Ponderosa, which was the name of the ranch in Bonanza. Nice.

So don't come to me with my Lorne Michaels. Do you think when Lorne Green retired, he did a lot of gardening? Is that a thing, maybe? Well, I don't think he ever expected to get this much airtime. Can you think of another? Well, he got a lot of... He was a big star, Lorne Green. I know, darling.

I know, I'm not putting him down. He was... I don't think you need to. He was a big star, Lorne Green. I know, darling. I'm not putting him down. He was... I don't think you need to. He's already passed. I... Is there any other famous Lorne's? Lorne Michaels, Lorne Green? I'm getting deja vu. We did this at the beginning of the show, surely.

And now I've been criticised. Well, we won't criticise. It's alright. I like the people joining. I don't like notting block capitals very much. But hey. And now I've been criticised. Well, we won't criticise. It's all right. I like the people joining. I do. I don't like not in block capitals very much. But hey. But you know what?

Martin's having a busy morning. He just, you know, this is the problem with text, I think. Anyway, that's true. I think that my stony ground this week was there was a feature about what people steal from hotel rooms. Oh, yeah. And I said I always steal body lotion, but I never, ever use body lotion, ever. And I don't know if it's actually stealing,

because I think the little bottles are sort of yours. But I said I would only wear body lotion if I was going to do a runner at a restaurant. And I think because of our... I said all cross a picket line. Right. No, I think it's because we've talked a lot about Charles Bronson, the prisoner,

covering himself in butter. But I instinctively gave that a little laugh there. Me too. Yeah, the audience, I think, they didn't know what on earth I was talking about. Well, possibly they weren't prepared to make the leap. I mean, I think it would work as well. At one point, my daughter,

when having some experimental independent play in her bedroom, covered herself from head to foot in Vaseline and extremely difficult to catch her. I bet. Really difficult. That's Vaseline and extremely difficult to catch her. I bet. Really difficult. That's why fish are so hard to catch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

Can I say, I hate to plug my own work, but on BBC One on this Thursday at nine o'clock is a documentary I made about Muhammad Ali. Yes. Which I would urge you to watch, even though it's up against Coronation Street and Britain's Got Talent, which means that you'll be one of about five people. Wow. But it's very five. Make that six, buddy. It was quite a lovely trip.

I'm very excited to watch it. Yeah, me too. I went to the house of Larry Holmes. Wow. Former heavyweight champion. I remember, yeah. And then he took me out for dinner. Did he?

And was it a nice meal? With his wife. What cuisine? It was, you know, Americana. Did he drive you? Or did you meet him at the venue? No, no, because he'd already driven me to see his statue. Oh, yeah.

Do you want to see my statue? I said, yeah. Did I tell you he gave me his boots? I remember when Shaquille O'Neal said that to me. He gave you his boots? Yeah, it was snowing, and I said, I have to get some boots. He said, what. Did I tell you he gave me his boots? I remember when Shaquille O'Neal said that to me. He gave you his boots? Yeah, it was snowing, and I said, I have to get some boots. He said, what size do you take? I said, well, I take nines.

Ten, are you OK? He said, come in. He took me in his bedroom, and there's like a big cupboard, and he said, try that. I said, they're all right, they're a bit big. He said, oh, then I've got some thick socks. And he gave me his socks out of his drawer. With the worn.

Did you wear Larry Holmes' shoes? I've still got them. I said, how am I going to get them back to you? He said, oh, fine. Want to come and see my statue? Yeah, OK. That's brilliant. I mean, there's not many that can say that, Frank.

Do you want to come and see my statue? Celebrity socks as well. It's not a big market. You've been checking on eBay. No, I'll never part with those. You've got the watch value. When we were eating, his wife said, Larry's supposed to have given up on meat and sort of fatty food.

Oh, has he? OK. And he looked at me and he says, you know how it is, Frank, men got to have spam. And I said, that's never occurred to me. That's not a phrase. What a motto. Oh, I look forward to him tremendously. One of the highlights, I got so into the whole project, we would film all day and then we'd go out and eat in the evenings.

And I refused to go to a Vietnamese restaurant because we were making a Muhammad Ali documentary. Right. Respect. Respect. That, I think, is method. Method presented at its very best. I'll tell you something that happened to me This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I'll tell you something that happened to me while I was doing the Muhammad Ali thing.

And it's a... I think I've got to pick my way through it all right. OK. Let's try. I met... Ali only had one sibling. Yeah. Rahman Ali,

who I met, and he's such an incredibly sweet guy. But not as well as he could be. He has short-term memory loss and stuff like that. But anyway, it was really, really exciting to meet him. And he was very, very sweet

and affectionate. And quite an honour to have met him. Well, yeah. He was a, very sweet and affectionate. And quite an honour to have met him. Well, yeah. He was a boxer himself. And they were very close and all that. And he's married. He's been married six times, as he told me, coincidentally, six times. And his wife is sort is is i mean has is sort of i suppose a carer as well right so quite you know quite an impressive woman and uh a preacher and all that she has and this is a

delicate subject okay she um she is a woman who's more interested in the spiritual of life than the physical. So she hasn't bothered too much about her facial hair. I think that's it. I've said it. I think you've said it very delicately. But very impressive woman. It's noticeable. It's visible facial hair. But obviously I didn't say anything.

I was just happy she was there and he was there. I interviewed him. It was in some ways a difficult interview because of his problems, but it was great, great to meet him. And I say he was very lovely. And people always used to say he was like a bit of a card and a real laugh and all that. And it's sad that a lot of that seems to have gone.

But, you know, people, when they have problems like that, they often have moments of quite surprising clarity in the midst of it. It didn't happen mid-interview on camera, unfortunately, but I was talking to him after and we had some photos and I was, you know, he was giving me another

hug and stuff and he said my wife, which he said to me, my wife would be nothing without my wife. She really looks after me. I said, no, she's amazing. She's, you know. And he said, he suddenly, like the clouds cleared of it, and he said to me, she has a moustache.

And I thought, I said, and I didn't know what to say. And he said, something different. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Now, we haven't had any news regarding one of my favourites, Peter Andre. Are you familiar with his work? Oh, yes. Well, I don't know. Have you met him, Alan? I haven't met him, no.

What social circles do you think I'm moving in? I've met him, too. Frank's worked with them all, of course. I'm going to go one of the nicest men in showbiz. I've met him, and I have to say he's a very nice chap, yes. He does come across, he's got a nice vibe about him, hasn't he? He's kind of positive and cheery. Well, never mind that.

He answered the door to me in a towel. Who could ask for more? Did he? Yes. Did he really? Yeah, it was in a dressing room, to be fair, at the time. And he had been in a shower. And he went, hi.

And then he was very happy with, it was a show he was on. And he'd been given, you know, you get the gifts, Frank. Yeah. I saw a point, I know at the moment. But sometimes you get the gifts, Rank. Yeah. I saw a point, I know at the moment, but sometimes you get the gifts. Yeah. And he'd been given one of those Xbox, PlayStation, Nintendo thingamajigs. Wow, good gift.

And he said, I'm just opening this gift, I can't believe it. He went, eight games. Eight games, mate. Downloaded on it. Eight games. Brilliant. Fantastic. And then I heard Casey Price going, Pete!

I'll do it. Yeah, and he he went nine games. And did a terrible lewd wink. So why were you knocking on Peter Arndt's face? I can't go into the details. Okay. I can, but it's not that

interesting. I was there. That's the best reason for not going into anything. Exactly. He's, I've just he's like the Taj Mahal. Got to see him in person to appreciate it. I've never seen the Taj Mahal. I have. You've got to see it in person to appreciate it. Tremendous.

Tremendous building. I thought you meant it was some sort of mausoleum. No. He did past life regression on this morning. Oh yeah, this is a thing. Past life regression is... It's a thing that...

How can I put this? A certain postcode of celebrities have started doing it. A certain... And I don't want to be... But it's the sort of people you might see on a reality type. I don't know what it is, but they've made it their own. He's no stranger to reality television, though, is he? Is he a stranger to reality?

That's what I want to know. I'm very familiar with them, because I remember the first round of them, maybe ten years ago, and I saw H from Steps. Oh, yeah. And he went under, as they say, and he got very distressed. And he says, I can't tell this, it was the most strange piece of television I've ever seen.

He went, I'm a Cambodian farmer. And they said, what's your name? What's your name? They're very gentle with him. What's your name? Cecil. He said, my brother was eaten by a bear. Oh, whoa.

What, in Cambodia? Yeah. Must have been a travelling circus. There was a lot of confusion about the narrative. Interesting that in those days he went for Cecil and not just C. He got more minimalist life. With each life

he shed a bit more baggage, including letters. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter

at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Now, you are free to speak. Back in the room. Thank you. Much like Peter Andre. Well, I was saying previous to Andre in the regression chat was H from Steps, who was

Cecil the Cambodian farmer. Love it. I've seen the video now. Well, I've shown you the video during the break. Yeah. He got very distressed during it. It was very amusing. Yeah. I mean, amusing.

You enjoyed it, Frank. I found it moved me towards amusement rather than emotion. Frank had strong opinions on the regressor, I thought. Yes. Also, Paul Ross has done it. Oh, yeah. He did it, and he said, very memorably, they said, how old are you?

He said, I'll be 15 summers long. Wow. He got very into character. So he went to the West Country, didn't he? They said, how many children do you have? And he said, I have three souls living. Wow. He got very into it.

But good to be able to do, you know, if one considers that the whole thing is a hoax,. But good to be able to do, you know, if one considers that the whole thing is a hoax, it's good to be able to... His name was Gustav. I liked it. She said, what's your name? What's your name? He said, Gustav.

I killed a man. Oh. They've always had an exciting life, haven't they? They have a very poor filter, they regressed. See, if I'd have realised I'd have killed a man I'd have kept that under my hat. Even though his hat certainly had a buckle on it.

He'd probably have said something like, I've never killed a man, honestly, I don't know why you'd even think that. Yeah, exactly. Imagine if Frank got regressed. I'd be a bit of a git. Imagine if you got nicked. If you went back and said, I'm sorry, I can't come back I've been arrested you don't want that

the detectives have had regression on the exact same day so anyway Peter Andre had it did you watch have you guys seen his regression well I've watched it yeah I was hoping

did I ever go back just a little bit i wouldn't mind if he just said oh i'm a pop star if you know they let the rewind button go a little bit too far or you know marriage to katie price something that was really but now of course he went back to, was it Renaissance? Well, he said, it's windy. It's warm and windy. I think I'm in Spain. I'm in a court. And he said he was carrying a message. And she said, what's the news?

And he said, it's not good news. There was a moment where I thought he was going to speak Spanish. And they went, oh, they're definitely speaking English. And I thought, why are they speaking English? He says, I'm in a Spanish court, but they're speaking English. Yeah. He thought that through. I wonder if that means that he might not have great Spanish. That's because it's always English. If he'd spoken Spanish and couldn't speak Spanish before, it'd be like being able to suddenly swim with Bob Monkhouse's watch. It would have been miraculous. Well, this is what I

was suspicious, is that in fairness to age, I mean, Cecil is not a Cambodian name, whereas Paul Ross is a very well-read man, and so everything that he said was quite spot on. And what did... Did Peter offer a name? I don't think he did.

No, he just said... He was just a messenger for the royal court. Yeah, they said, what's it like? He said, smells of leather. Yeah. Yes, I think, what's it like? He said, smells of leather. Yeah. Yes, I think that was maybe another previous life he'd gone back to. It's the royal court, isn't it?

He's a messenger. That was a performance at GAY he'd gone back to. When she said, what message are you carrying? He said, it's not great news. It's some sort of army. Now, I don't know about you, but I want more from a messenger than that.

I mean, if a messenger comes and says, it's not great news, it's some sort of army, bye. No, hold on. Hold on. Have you got anything else for me? But as I say, he's such a sweet guy. The fact that he's currently about to start a show,

a ghost-based show, I don't think it's got anything to do with him doing this at all. Oh, is he doing a ghost show? Yeah, he's doing one of those going to haunted houses shows. Oh, I thought he was doing a dancing and singing show. You know the child bouncing the ball on the stairs, one of those. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Is that how they get it? It's always a child, that's all they do, the child ghosts, they bounce the ball on the stairs. The Victorian, they go out? That's all they do, the child ghosts. They bounce a ball on the stairs. They go out and they've got Victorian outfits on. Oh, they've all got Victorian outfits. Well, that did make me wonder. Did they have bouncy balls in the 19th century?

8, 12, 15. Yeah. And do they bring their balls with them? Do you know I've often talked about the ghost clothes? Why have they still got their 19th century outfits on? Because where have they come back from? The ball, imagine having to bring a ball from the past. And you don't want to go out and they're bouncing the official Premier League.

The current one, that's going to spoil the whole... Well, also, I often wonder often wonder like how much does the person who's been regressed's historical knowledge affect the regression? Like if I got regressed and I was going oh I'm in Victorian England. Oh hang on I've just seen a window frame it's Georgian England actually. Yeah.

Turns out I know a little bit about architecture. What's great if you don't know anything but you you're just describing things that you wouldn't have normally. I think it's vague. I was regressed once. No. Were you? Well, a friend of mine was doing a show about sort of things of the unexplained. I'm sure I can name her. It's my friend Jane.

Yeah. And she did a sort of about spooky, sceptical things. I hope it was called Things of the Unexplained. I think it was called Jane Goldman Investigates. Oh, I remember it. I remember it well. And I think it was called Jane Goldman Investigates. Oh, I remember it. I remember it well. And I think she tried to aggress me for it. And I sort of, as I was doing it,

I imagined myself as a bit sort of Little House on the Prairie. But those were my references. My references weren't any more specific than that. So did you feel any sense of going back? Well, I remember saying I thought I was in sort of Iowa or something. I thought it was like 19th century America, but, you know, I don't, I don't, no, I think it's like association of what you've seen

or experienced during the day. So, for example, in Peter Andre's case, maybe went to buy a leather blouson jacket, ate some tapas. That is not, of course, out of the question. That's a, that, if that was in Day in the Life, that thing, and it was Peter Andre,

you wouldn't think, oh, that must have been a weird old day. You had to have faith. This is Frank Skinner of Snoop Radio. Frank, 423 has been in touch. Oh, yeah. What are you talking about? What is this regression? Who, what, when? Loving your show as always, but

feeling lost. Yes, well, perhaps we did jump into that bit. The idea is that we have reincarnations, that we had previous lives, is the thing. Yeah. I once saw a very interesting lecture about this by Rex the Alsatian.

No, I didn't. And it is possible some people claim that if you get people into an hypnotic trance, they can go back and visit their previous lives. Yeah. That is what Peter Andre, he went back to that when he lived in the renaissance and he was a messenger to the royal court of spain but he did but he had an australian accent well i think you get you used to you retain well maybe you don't retain your current answer not in paul ross's case he said i'd be 15 summers long yeah now that's where it starts to get confusing.

Slash exciting. Yeah. Anyway, that's regression for you. Holly Willoughby said that she'd been visiting the pyramids and had a déjà vu experience. Oh, yeah. And then I think, I don't know if this was a serious suggestion, wondered if she might have been Prince Nefertiti. Yeah.

Which it seems to me that it was some sort of sausage joke going on. Maybe. Oh, I see. They're like that. It's wall-to-wall filth this morning. Is it? Always has been. I don't know how they get away with it.

I think she'd probably just been, she visited more than one pyramid, as one tends to do. And when she went into the second pyramid, she had a sense of déjà vu, because she'd just been in a pyramid. Yeah, yeah. More likely. They're like waterfalls on your holiday.

Maybe she just had a Toblerone that morning out of the minibar. I've never had déjà vu in my life. Really? But do you think, if you were in a past life, what decade do you think? Well, my only evidence, they say the way to try and work it out,

if there's any sort of irrational thing that you've got in your life, something you really like doing or really don't like doing, that might be, this is the theory. Well, I think we know mine then, Frank. It ought to be Tudor. Oh, yeah. I thought you meant the chives thing.

Trying to work out what that would be. Will you hand us cleats? I, um... I have a real... I don't know where it comes from. I love sitting with my back to a tree. You know, feeling the bark against my back. You know where this is going.

That is my favourite thing. What do you think? Wasn't that Isaac Newton? Yeah, Apple's going to drop on the head. Dropped on the head? You're an intelligent man. I can't have been Isaac Newton, can I? Well, he was a nasty bit of work.

Oh, exactly. No, actually, now you come to mention it. I think we worked out he was also a bit of a git. I think he might have been a bit more science-y than you, though. He's got a sort of git line of history, we think. A long thanksgiving from a long line of gits. I used to be Isaac Newton. I mean, that's not fact.

I don't think you should report it as fact. Well, I was looking at myself in the mirror after showering yesterday I mean that's not fact I don't think you should report it as fact Well But we've got a pretty good theory I was looking at myself in the mirror after showering yesterday And I did start to think about gravity in a whole new way Big shock news has broken, and I used to be Sir Isaac Newton in a previous life. Indeed. And in fact, we've had a text that there's some other big shock news

in terms of life regression. Come on. Morning all. Oh, there's a bit of praise. I'll just ignore that. However, I have just... Thank you for it. I've just...

Yeah, thank you. I've just observed on Twitter that Emily Dean says she was a miniature poodle in a former life. Did this not come up in her PST life regression from Jen? That is my animal regression. That's a separate channel I do for that. Oh, it sounds a bit Native American, that animal regression. Yeah, so you can have your animal regression

and decide which dog you are, or animal of your choice. You know, I like to be a poodle, but you two might. Other dogs, other animals are available. Crocodile. I'd be straight to crocodile. They don't move much, do they? I think I'll just skip the animal life if you don't mind. Not bothered. Well, you've got Isaac Newton, the best of the bunch.

But you know the other week I was telling you that when I eat an apple, I have to press the top of my head down to break the surface. It's all making sense. I think that's reminding myself about gravity. It's apple association sense. I think that's reminding myself about gravity. It's Apple Association. Meanwhile, I've been looking up some hot pics of Isaac

Newton online and I'm noticing some resemblances. One of the less frequent Google searches, isn't it? Hot pics Isaac Newton. Fairly legal. Yeah, Isaac Newton hot. But if I went on this morning and they said, right, where are you? And I said, I'm in this morning and they said,

where are you? And I said, actually, I'm called Sir Isaac Newton. Or even if I just went Isaac Newton, I got him in his early days. Yeah, got him free knighthood. That would be up in the ante, wouldn't it? Because they're all pushing their luck a bit by saying, you know, I'm a messenger and stuff.

But if I said, actually, I'm a messenger and stuff. Or Cecil the Cambodian. But if I said, actually, I'm Sir Isaac Newt, that would, that, even that, the regression person would go, I don't know if we can go this far, love. Come on, it would go down well. Look, if it exists, if reincarnation exists, somebody used to be... Isaac Newton. Isaac Newton. You know, there's a job going. It's all pointing towards me.

And when you were younger in your Birmingham years, you had a long shaggy hair with a slight curl in it. And I had a lot of trouble with gravity in my drinking days. Certainly. Gravity's your former nemesis. I think I did have

a strange fascination with calculus as well. Well, there you go. That was the next one I was a dog though. Oh, was it? That was Alan in the form of life. A bit more Peter Andre news. Wow, this has been a week for him.

He's about to do an Australian tour, his first one for over 20 years, but he's... Is he still big in Australia? Well, he's Australian, so that helps. And I think he sings... They love Mysterious Girl. I mean, he's probably sung that one a lot. It's Gloria Gaynor, I Will Survive, isn't it?

I mean, he's got to trot that one out. Oh, yeah, fair enough. That's his song. But he's going there and he's announced uh that he's he's retired his famous six-pack according to the tabloids you know i mean that is a very famous six-pack i would say six-pack was as much part of his stage act as a mysterious girl well i love the fact that you can independently retire parts of your body. Yeah, well, I have done that, but we can't discuss it on air. It was a joint decision with my partner. In fact, I had very little say in it, looking back.

But anyway, that's the end of that. Thank you, everyone. I've signed. I think we can safely describe that as some indifferent. But it is good I hope he got a few brass robbings for posterity before he finally let it dissolve well he says that it's not there anymore

I wonder I wonder if it has gone I'm not sure I believe he keeps saying that he's in good shape how old is he? 44 who's this? Isaac Newton? no Peter Hondry I have a theory that actually I'm not sure I believe... He keeps saying that he's in good shape for 44. How old is he? Oh, 44. 44. Who's this?

Isaac Newton? No, Peter Andre. I have a theory that actually, now he's in his 40s, he's just wearing more knitwear and he's retired the six-pack on account of the higher statistical likelihood of belly button fluff.

I think he just daren't. Oh, mate. You can't... Frank's right, though. You can't let go of that. I mean, it's Bernie Winters, Sarns, Schnorbitz, really, isn't it? It is. I mean, you could, although he managed to go Sarns, Mike Winters, who was his double-act partner.

Oh, sorry. You can move on. I can't think of a man who's more associated with a six-pack than him. There must be someone. Was it Wahlberg? Oh, yes. Well, was it the six-pack than him. There must be someone. Was it Walberg? Oh, yes. Or was it the six-pack or other areas? Oh, well, I don't like that.

You're right. We've gone lower abdomen. It was only going to go one way. I speak to you as Sir Isaac Newton. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I suppose I've retired my behind.

I was 1998 Rear of the Year. I beg to differ. Still in great shape. I wouldn't get it out now, though. You wouldn't? No. Wouldn't you? I wish I'd taken some sort of death mask of it as a reminder. But it's gone now.

It's gone. I've retired any attempt to be cool at all. Have you? No, surely not. Hear me out, hear me out. I think when I was younger, I mean, just in the sense of if someone asks me what I like, I answer honestly now. Which I think for a long time, I thought

what will sound good. I play musicals in my car, and I'm proud of that. I would have been ashamed of admitting that once. If you read a celebrity questionnaire, almost all of it is, this is what I want you to think about me, instead of just saying what you actually like.

Cool music, cool films. Yeah. I used to do some stand-up about... Last film I saw was Secret Life of Pets. Deal with it. I used to do some stand-up about... Last film I saw was Secret Life of Pets. Deal with it. I used to do some stand-up about, as you get older, you chase cool less and less, and you become happy with nice.

Like, when you look in the mirror... Love that, Al. When you look in the mirror as you're leaving the house, when you're young, you want to look cool, and then you get to a point where you go, just, as long as I look nice, I'm quite happy. Also, Al, cool people aren't funny. I mean, no offence, but no-one's cool in this room.

Ouch. And, no... Ouchy. I mean, come on. Some of the funniest times of my life I've had with these people. With old Sir Isaac Newton over there. Exactly. I think since the popularity of science has risen up,

I think I've got a bit of extra kudos. Yeah, yeah. Actually, it's not really... I actually wear a bit of extra kudos. Yeah, yeah. Actually, it's nice to... I actually wear a bit of extra kudos. Now that... I mean, you've spent the last few months, I'm going to say, boasting on air about your dramatic weight loss. Maybe as Peter Andre retires his six-pack,

you should start, you know, getting yours out. Oh, yeah. Maybe I should go back to the bum. Maybe that could make a comeback. Back to the bum. Has anyone ever... I mean, that would be the big... I think I'm the first... I think I'm the only practicing

Catholic to win Rear of the Year. I wonder... Hang on, I'll just fact check that. But as any... I mean, that would certainly be the biggest gap. Bear with me. Between two victories in Rear. If I won it next year,

that'd be the 20th anniversary of the first win for my behind. If anyone from Rio of the Year organisers is listening or still with us, please do put Frank Skinner forward. That would be, to win it, they should have a veteran section like they're doing the tennis.

That'd be nice. St. Paul Art, I'm sure she'd want it. But to win it over a 20-year the tennis that'd be nice yeah i'm sure she won it but to win it over a 20 year gap that would be something like if if melinda messenger won it in 97 if she won it this year maybe that's peter andre was obviously looking at the list of rear of the year winners on the morning of his regression saw melinda messenger hence he became a messenger oh it's falling into place just like that apple frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio um i'll tell you a story that i found particularly cheering this week was Kate Middleton

Middleton Kate Middleton Kate Middleton she was at the Chelsea Flower Show and DJ Chris Evans The Royal Family are like bees around the Chelsea Flower Show, they cannot leave

it alone. I love it Frank. I do like it's name though, Chelsea Flower Show it's got a lot They cannot leave it alone. I love it, Frank. I mean, I do like its name, though, Chelsea Flower Show. It's got a lot of information and very little else in there. Like, you don't catch yourself wondering what is it and where is it with the Chelsea Flower Show. No. It's the Ron Seal. I noticed that Jeremy Vine and Mary Berry were there.

I mean, it's all getting a bit themed on the surname front. Is that the new thing? Pond invitations. Yeah. And Kelly Brook, which is kind of garden. I suppose. If you had a very big garden you might have a Brook in it. But Chris Evans gave

Kate Middleton a tomato to taste. She dropped it on the floor and then ate it anyway. Which I love. Do you? I do. Do you remember we talked about Andy Murray's wife when she swore at that other player? Oh, yeah. I found it made her, like, 20% more attractive.

I feel the same way about Kate Middleton eating a tomato off the floor now. Like, the fact that she obeys the five-second rule. Love it. Do you like that? Yeah, it's great. Like, it just makes her seem real. You'll have gone off me, then.

Because I don't. You don't do that. Well, I just makes her seem real. Or human. You'll have gone off me then, because I don't. You don't do that. Well, I think a tomato you might know. I mean, it's a bit cheaty. I mean, a tomato has got a wipe-clean surface. Yeah, that's true. It's very difficult for a germ to cling on there, isn't it? If she'd dropped, let's say she'd dropped an un uncopped cupcake on the floor and then eaten that, I would have had mega respect.

But a tomato... Mega respect! A tomato picks up almost nothing. Agreed. Well, I think you're right. It's almost like it's been enameled. It's not porous in that condition, with its outer casing still intact.

They reckon a mouse can't climb up flat glass, don't they? A mouse can't? So they say, don't they? A mouse can't? So they say. I don't know about mouse habits, really. But germs probably can't cling to, like, a shiny spherical tomato, can they? Well, with the five-second rule, apparently it should only apply to things like that. Any wet food...

Sorry. Is that right? Yes. What, there's a... There are rules about this. There's rules about the five second rule yes other people have been there previously see some people have said to me 10 second rule really yeah i mean i like to give it a few minutes on the floor i don't mind i vet all

sorts of stuff off the floor i scooped that was your table for many years i scooped knocky with my fingers off the floor back into a bowl earlier this week and the bolognese was really hot but it was the last of the gnocchi. Gnocchi bolognese? Yeah. Don't eat that much pasta. Gnocchi bolognese.

Didn't she go out with Prince William? I think I went to school with her. I think so. It's a pity Pippa wasn't at the wasn't at uh the Chelsea Flower Show because her husband he should have been there because apparently he manages a hedge fund exactly yeah so um yeah so so she's down to earth it turns out yeah um Kate Middleton lovely just like the tomato was she looks like the sort of woman who that tomato will probably do her for the whole day

cherry tomato that's me full anyway thank you very much for listening this morning it's been a pleasure as ever and you know what bring on the feathers you're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

from Absolute Radio want your Frank fix a little sooner listen live every Saturday from 8am Bring on the feathers.