The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Jacket Potato

Episode Date: September 10, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by The Cockerel and Divine Miss Em. Frank asks about trending mysteries and has an update on the DG pants. The team talk the end of Hiddleswift, microwaves and ask what have you got that will last the rest of your life?

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, the way sometimes one sees civilians following a carnival. Oh yeah. So you get lots of people in costumes and sort of pseudo-military uniforms. Then there's just some people. Yeah.

I never worked out how long they latch on, those people. If you've ever followed a carnival, give us an estimated distance on 8, 12, 15. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Well, Frank, you say that, but you and David Baddiel once followed on foot a pageant, a parade, for the Loch Ness premiere in 1996.

That is true. 20 years. Never forget. That was the celebrity. Yeah, exactly. Lest we forget. And it was you, David, and I believe Nicky Clark was there, Frank. Nicky Clark was there.

Annika Rice, Koo Stark, Ted Danson. Ted Danson, though. That is a big name drop to leave tooo Stark, Ted Danson. Ted Danson, that is a big name drop to leave to the end. Yeah, and Jolie Richardson. Right. I appreciate I return to this often, but I'm quite obsessed by it. Did the people,

did the other people, the spectators, was there a rope in between you and them? Well, I think there was those metal barriers that they put down the side of the road, but David Baddiel thinks that there was. I mean, just for new readers, we went up to the...

David Baddiel and I, we were offered a private jet flight with a group of celebrities. This is years ago. I mean, obviously we don't get those kind of offers anymore. We'd be lucky to get a tandem. But anyway, one of the things I remember about it is that the man who picked us up in the car was a bit...

People used to... When I lived with David Baddiel, people used to really struggle with his surname. Because obviously a lot of minicab drivers, I don't think it's controversial to say that a lot of them are from overseas. So, and anyway, so the buzz went on. And Dave had been saying, I don't know,

with private jets, you never know if they're properly looked after and that, like, the public thing. Getting very anxious about the whole thing. And he'd had a dream or something about a you know a plain difficulty so anyway and i'm honestly i swear to you i swear to you this is true we always used to get these blokes come to the door and i'm gonna do a generic foreign voice but from no specific nation so i think I get through one of the holes in the net. Yeah. And they'd say, Mr. Badiel and stuff like that.

Mr. Biddle. You get all these names coming over the little intercom by the door. Anyway, on this morning, it said, Mr. Buddy Holly. And we just thought, that's it. That's it. We're going down. But we didn't. So we got to Inverness. And having met the mayor of Inverness, he said,

OK, it's time for the celebrity parade. And we were marched through the town to the applause and a tiny little bit of derision of the locals who lined the pavements. And this week, actually, I was back in Loch Ness. No. Yes. Did you know that? Oh! Yes, I was filming.

What made you return? Is this the first time since the 20th anniversary of the first celebrity parade? It is. I mean, the very first time I went to Inverness, I picked raspberries for six weeks at Lenton Fruit Farm and camped. But as you may guess, this was pre-celebrity. So why did you go back to loch ness well um i was i was filming at castle urquhart if you really want to know i do an art show on sky and we go to lovely places so people can paint it anyway so it was uh i had um quite a lovely old time and i didn't i didn't i'll tell you what did happen and this is a very much a sign of my advancing years a woman i would say i'd say

she was 25 26 um call me sir nice that's lovely yeah but i mean not like a not an official person who calls people so just I took someone's photo. You know when they say, can you take our photo? And I took their photo and she said, oh, thank you, sir. Oh, I felt a hundred... Oh, what? Hang on a second. They handed over the camera and said, can you take our photo? Yeah. Well, they were American, so they didn't...

Oh, well, Americans, it's... I mean, they say sir for everyone, don't they? Do they? Don't spoil it, don't rip it down. Sorry, I wasn't. But, um... You were on horseback in a full knight's costume, though, don't they? Do they? Don't spoil it, don't rip it down. Sorry, I wasn't. But, um... You were on horseback in a full knight's costume, though, weren't you? Oh, yeah, I forgot that, yeah.

She asked if she could borrow my charger. No, but, um, when you're at Loch Ness, I don't know if other people do this, you do, every now and again, have a bit of a peer, have a look around, just to see if you can spot you know one of the sort of uh you know when you see that like this monster portrayed it has like a hump coming out the water and then a bit underneath and then it comes up again do you know that sort of strange yeah i don't know what that's about i've known no other creature that actually is like

it's like when it when it when when it becomes threatened in any way, it pretends to be an aqueduct, is the suggestion. Well, they've spotted two new ones recently, only this week. Two new Nessies. Two baby Nessies. Oh, let's come back to this, because that's tremendous. We don't do a lot of breaking news on this show. We don't.

We don't. 1842 news we do. Latest Loch Ness news. So that's, looking forward to this. Can I tell you, readers, I had no idea this was coming at all. I'm a little bit on the edge of my seat. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, we had some Loch Ness monster news just in on the Loch Ness Correspondent. Well, I just saw something this week and it says that the Loch Ness monster may have had twins. I mean, I don't know how long the pregnancy's been. No, that would account for that humpy thing, innit? Yes.

The spaghetti neck it's not so much a home piece it's sort of on your lights yes exactly i'll put out the water and then into the water and then it comes it's hard to talk about it without doing it with your finger yeah my lovely lady humps yeah so it must have a terrible tan line the loch ness monster yeah anyway carry on. So, this cyclist, I mean, they called him a cyclist like he was a professional cyclist. He wasn't, he was a man on a bike. Yeah.

56 years old, apparently. He said he saw it, so he's taken a photo. And that's this week? Yeah. He's done a photo as well? There is a show. He said he is not a man given to flights of fancy. Love it. No. photo as well there is he said he is not a man given to flights of fancy love it no um but he's convinced that what he saw was the the uh the two loch ness monsters the two baby nessies

well i take his word more seriously because he said that he's not a man given to flights of fancy that's clear the decks for for honesty. I absolutely love that. Yeah. In fact, if everybody that ever wants to lie to me in the future just says I'm not a person given to flights of fancy, I think I'll be really gullible from there on in. I'm excited about this, because it's... Yeah.

I mean, you were there, Frank, when this happened. Was I? When did it happen? This week. Weren't you there this week? I was there on Wednesday. I mean, I think... There you go. I think of the Loch Ness monster nowadays as a bit of a uh

it used to be in the news a lot didn't it and then a bit like the bermuda triangle they go yes a bit and uh celebrity horses where are they now horses as celebrities yeah Yeah, famous horses. Yeah. Fred Rum, Olden Ety. But the mystery things, the Bermudas and your Loch Ness, I'd like to know, on 8-12-15, what is the currently trending mystery?

Good one. Because when I bring up the Bermuda Triangle people aren't interested and that's one of your go to's isn't it the hovercraft if I'm not mistaken the development of the hovercraft those are my two conversation starters both make me think of

1974 that's when I started using them you know you grow attached to a conversation starter no I would love to know what people talk about That's when I started using them. You know, you grow attached to a conversation starter. No, I would love to know what people talk about. Because at school we used to talk about, there was two books that everyone read, and that was Chariot of the Gods,

which was about spacemen coming down and building the pyramids and stuff like that, which I think was Eric von Daniken. I don't know if you ever seen eric von daniken he was classic um full black leather monocle whip he used to carry uh but also um there was one uh it was called fire from heaven and it was about spontaneous human combustion and the fact that sometimes people just burn into flames and incinerate for no apparent reason. Agreed. You see, we had the Osborne Book of Ghosts. Oh, right, OK.

In my era. That was the book everyone... And it was a bit kept under the bed. It was the spooky book that no-one spoke of. I loved it, though. What about you? We can't talk about childhood books for very long before I admit that I read all the Judy Blume comics.

But they're not of the... And you certainly kept those under the bed. We're not of that genre. No. Not of that genre. Well, I'd love to know what are the, if there's any young people listening, what are the trending mysteries that have replaced the Loch Ness Monster and

the Bermuda Triangle? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinangle. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sorry, I just read an old diary. Yes, so, have we had any responses to the new mysteries? Yeah, we've had a few actually. Trending mysteries

I'm after. That's right. Rob 471 has said the flat earth theory is currently big on the interwebs, but we're more going for school playground, aren't we? No, I don't care. You happy with that? Well, I mean, you've got to be careful with the internet, obviously, because there's some strange people on there. There are?

Yeah. Flat earth can't possibly be a serious thing. That's some ironic post-modern hipster affectation. Oh, yes, that'll be someone with a coffee shop insured it's a beard. Somebody with little short trousers. And no socks. No short trousers and no socks these days. The hipster doesn't like a sock.

They fear the sock. You know what this means, that in a couple of years it'll be socks and flares. Like, it'll come back. It all just moves in circles. You know that. You work in fashion. I do. Thank you.

I just see it now and I think the next thing will be the opposite. The shows are coming up. Thank you for the reminder. You know they call that the hipster injury? What's that? The blister on the back of the ankle now. Oh, from now on. Yeah.

Oh. And a brogue. A friend of mine got married recently and the groom was... I saw the picture. I wasn't invited to the wedding, but that's okay. Oh, dear a brogue. A friend of mine got married recently, and the groom was... I saw the picture, I wasn't invited to the wedding, but that's OK, you know. Oh, dear. I'm surprised you're even giving them any space. But I was looking at the picture.

I am turning into you, essentially, and this is a major problem, because I have a lot of friends. But I noticed, Frank, the groom had no socks. And I said, isn't that funny? That's going to really date that picture, isn't it? Yeah, but I mean, they do date, don't they, those wedding things? But, yeah, that'll look back and the no socks thing. I'd like to see the comment,

as the tax you pay for not inviting me. What about the people who work in the sock industry? Is there no thought given to them? Yeah, what about those poor souls? These people who don't wear socks, the hipsters, will go on about austerity written and don't realise they're tearing down a long-time industry. Yeah, get back to your cereal cafe.

Yeah. 054 has texted... I love my hose. Pardon? I always wear stockings and socks at all times. Oh, thank goodness. I thought you'd changed the tone of the whole show. Not me.

054 has texted, the mysterious Death Valley Sailing Stones. Do you know what they are? No. No, I'm sure we play them on Absolute, though. All right, yeah, maybe it's a song request. Alley Sailing Stones. The mysterious Death Valley Sailing Stones.

Frank, they sound like an absolute radio band. We'll have to investigate that one. If it's up there with the Bermuda tea. Frank, have we got time before we play a song by the Mysterious Death Valley Sailing Stones? 273. Good morning, Frank and the team. As a teacher in a secondary school...

Oh, hello, sir. Can I suggest that the current conspiracy of choice is definitely the Illuminati, and their near unlimited influence in the world. Their is spelt T-H-E-I-R, by the way. Are the Illuminati, have I got the right one? Are they underground lizards? Yes, they're connected to the David

Icke people, the ones, the people that he... So the kids, the kids in school now are into... It's become a huge thing now. Into the underground lizards thing. Well, it's, you know, world leaders, isn't it, or Illuminati, the royals. Yeah, but aren't they originally underground lizards? Yeah, originally, yeah. I said, the queen.

It's all based on the queen. I just had a bit of cake on the chin. The tongue darted out and took it back in. And the theory kicked off from there that there might be, she might have something of the reptile about her. We've had a request. And it's got E-R as well. Someone says R-E being the first two letters of reptile.

All the clues are there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Frank, in other news... The long gloves to hide the talons. How dare you? I'm going to have surgery on that. We've had a first-ever request in,

well, maybe not first-ever, but for an anecdote from you. An anecdote? Yeah, we're having anecdote requests now. I'm not sure about that. Is there a specific...? Yeah, Frank, could you please recount the remark made by the local to Nicky Clark during your celebrity parade again as it made me chortle? That is 858.

Well, I could do that. I think we need music first, but I think I just did this a couple of weeks ago. You see, shows people don't listen. But okay, I'll do it. Anecdote requests. That's what I should do.

I'd do a comedy show. I'd just stand there and let them call it anecdote requests. They should do it at dinner parties. I suppose they do. People say, Steve, tell that story. Yeah. And apparently, I don't know how this works if it's a lunch and vouchers thing,

but if you get a really good anecdote, I've been told you can dine out on it. That's clever. How does that work? Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You know, you've unlocked Pandora's box here by seeming to encourage anecdote requests. Well, I don't think I encouraged. I agreed to do one. When I was in Inverness and we did the celebrity parade, Nicky Clark, the celebrity hairdresser, was with us. And this guy, as I remember, he was our purple lamppost,

but David Baddiel said he was just on the pavement. But he had, like, a number one crop, as we used to call it, very short skinhead crop. It was a bit skinhead escapes. Yeah. He used to say, number one crop in a normal life, number two for court appearances. Get the judge on your side.

But anyway, this bloke pointed to it and said, Hey, Nicky, can you do anything with us? And it got quite a big laugh. And we were at Ski Bow Castle that night having dinner. Lovely. And somebody, I think Dave said to Nicky Clark, that was funny when that bloke shouted, Hey nikki can you do anything with this and nikki's wife said yes and what did you say nothing to nikki i think they divorced not too long after that

oh the contempt had crept in it's difficult isn't it relationships relationships? Well, we've had a couple of other requests for anecdotes that you do. 032 has requested a very funny story that I've seen you tell in stand-up, but I don't think it's for daytime radio. No, I don't. No, I know that. Can you even title it? Well, it involves David Baddiel, and can I just say this is also David Gandhi's favourite of all your anecdotes. Oh is it?

Yeah. I'm a bit worried about it. Anyway let's. Yeah. I don't think we're going to do that one. Well don't be worried you've just got a load of free pants from him. That's true. How are you getting on with them? The pants are absolutely fabulous. I'm at the point now I'm wearing clean pants every day.

Are you feeling supported? No, I was. I was on it. I would do two days with a pair of pants. And now I've got the new shipment came in. Shipment? Yeah. Pant drop.

Yeah. Do they fit okay? Did I get something? Lovely. You know, they're lovely. The T-shirts, I'll be honest, are a bit... A bit snug? A bit snug.

I think David probably doesn't have much concept of the middle-aged torso. Right. Yeah. But the pants, oh, they don't grip me, they caress. Well, that's nice. Yeah, I think... For you. No, no, I'll tell you this.

I think I've... If you're allowed for my age, I think I've probably got enough pants to last me for the rest of my life I don't think I'll ever have to buy another pair I'm the same with pencils it's good when you get to a point

where you think there's enough now you're still seeing me out what fabric are these pants you must think they're pretty durable. I find pants last quite a long time. They're going to need to. I've got a long life predicted for you, Frank. Well, it depends what your approach to pants is.

Do you wear them until... I tend to creep up on them and jump over the... just hop over the label. Do you wear them until the no more, you know, no more please phase? I wear them until the no more, you know, no more please phase? I wear them until the day that instead of going into the wash basket, they go into the bin next to it. Oh. Yeah, I'll wear them until they drop, so to speak.

As long as they don't go into the kitchen cupboard to be used as some sort of... Oh no, I wouldn't do that with pants. Shammy leather. Shammy leather, then. Work more as a scourer. I, um, text us on 8 12 15. What have you got that will last you for the rest of your life?

This will be a novelty concert for the youngsters. Anything that you've got enough of that you think, that's it, I'll never need to buy any more of these ever. Oh yeah. Love to know. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

Well, I'll tell you something, Frank. Thanks for that. You earlier repeated an anecdote that you've told previously, didn't you? Because somebody said, could you retell it? Yeah. And we've had a text to 8-12-15 saying, there goes the no repeat guarantee. Yeah. Yeah, but I was asked to request it. He specifically requested. No, I liked it. I liked it. I just thought that the text was funny, so I thought I'd share it. Maybe they're not talking about

that. Maybe they just belched as they were texting. You've also asked what people have got enough of for the rest of their life Yes For me it's pants and pencils Well I didn't think it was the beginning of a great texting but the switchboard has lit up A Brett on tops for me

I wish you'd trust me more I've got so many Brett on tops They'll last you the rest of your life Fantastic 746 has texted I've got so many breaths on top. They'll last you the rest of your life. Entire life. Fantastic. 746 has texted, Surely in Frank's case money is won as well as pencils and pants. Oh, of course money. I forgot that.

Let me just write an ad up to the money. Amusing. I just bought a pint of milk that has a best before date of 19th of September. That should see me out. I'm 96 on Monday. That's a joke. That isn't a real 96 year old. Oh, if it is. Can you take a picture of yourself? Gregor. I'm sorry to be in Lucian. Almost certainly not.

But there'll be a great picture of the adjoining wall. I want a photograph of you holding your birth certificate or passport. That will also be accepted. It's got to be a joke. Sorry to sound a bit ransom demand, but this is what I require. What about Nick in Suffolk?

I have a family-sized athlete's foot cream which will last forever. Oh, brilliant. But how good to know that your athlete's foot cream buying days are over. Well, it's like the shampoo and conditioner. I'll never run out of conditioner, because you never use as much. The shampoo goes. I condition about, I'm biannual, I would say. I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, it's very fashionable nowadays. Yes, about twice a year I condition. Really? Yeah. I do it every time. Oh, no. No, I, I, about twice a year I condition. Oh, really? And, uh, yeah. I do it every time. Oh, no. Oh. No, no, you don't want to do that.

Oh. You don't want to do that? I don't want to do that. That's, that's... Thanks for the, uh, beauty advice here, guys. No problem. You can have too much conditioning. Thank you.

You can. Yeah, well, thank heavens I've got you two to advise me on these, uh, these areas. You see these Mr. Universe guys, you know, have overdone it. Overdone the conditioning. Do I tell you how to do your little stand-up shows? Well, I think you offer advice. Oh yeah, that's true. Okay, fair enough.

Frank, I will never need another mug. Ever. My kitchen overfloweth with mugs and yet if I go on holiday, I think, ah, I'll just get this feature mug as a memento it's a sickness dot dot dot you know that's right I'm going to take money off

because in 2008 I thought I'd got enough money to last the rest of my life and then I got a phone call to say you've lost your entire life saving so I think money is a big whereas the mugs, who's going to come in and take all the mugs that's a good point. A very bad burglar.

Yeah, exactly. But yeah, I've got some... In my mug cupboard, we are now stacking. Oh, are you? Oh, I'm on the stack as well. I've got mugs on top of mugs. And then some very hard decisions have to be made. I'm going to have a mug cull, I think.

Are you? Oh, no. I'm going to have a mug cull, I think. Are you? Oh, no. I'm just getting out of hand. The thing is that you can't take mugs to a charity shop, really, because I think people don't want to drink out of other people's mugs, generally speaking. We do when we visit. You're right.

Sorry. What a fool I've been. Nine, eight, seven. Just give me a moment to get over that. I'm sorry. I've been. Oh, God. Nine, eight, seven. Oh, just give me a moment to get over that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Nine, eight, seven has said,

and this has got a slightly sour tone to it too, I used to have enough electric toothbrush heads to last me until I was 74 based on changing them every three months. Brilliant Matt. But then my girlfriend moved in. One of the many ways my life has changed for the worse since her arrival.

Oh dear. I think probably best we only read the last three numbers of that phone number isn't it? It sounds like partner to last him the rest of his life. Not on the list. Not found that one yet. Oh, wow.

Oh, I'd better add partner. They're all the P's. Pants, pencils, partners. And then, of course, I'll just write that down. I won't say it out loud. Oh, God. Anyway, well, yeah, well, that's... It's marvellous.

I do like a text in when it's an interesting... I had a radio show the other day, accidentally, obviously. Yes. And somebody said, can you text in songs with the word blue in the title? I thought, oh... I did one of those, you know, in the House of Commons? Resign! I did one of those, you know in the House of Commons? Resign! I did one of those, as if they could hear me.

What did they do? Did they just read out the song names? Yeah, they said, oh, well, here's one. Won't you make my brown eyes blue? Blue Heaven here, got one here. Blue Guitar, that was a great number. Didn't even play them or anything. Blue Sweat Shoes. Me and You and the Dog. I'm sorry, I'm playing it now. Blue guitar. That was a great number. Didn't even play them or anything. Blue suede shoes. Me and you and a dog named Boo.

Sorry, I'm playing it now. Blue Monday. It was Boo. It wasn't Blue. Oh, it was Blue. Me and you and a dog named Blue, somebody suggested. Boo, it was the dog. Couldn't even get that right. Have you gone now? Is this what happened?

Are you in character? No, this was fine with it. Me and you and the dog went blue. He says, yeah, that'll be good. You think I'd talk about monks upon monks? They said poo instead of blue. They said blue was in the song. You can't let that pass.

If you tolerate this... I know, then your children will be next. Yeah. Baby. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text us on 81215. Many have, many will. Someone is probably doing it as I speak. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. You can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. All those options are yours. Enjoy. And you're running a few, what I like to call, eccentric text-ins. I like the idea of him running a few.

Like some cafe owner. Currently we've got, what is the trending mystery? It used to be the Loch Ness. That's right. And Loch Ness Monster, Bermuda Triangle. We've had Illuminati. What are you into? What are you into, Sonny?

You've, yeah. And also, what have you got that will last you the rest of your life? For me, it's pants. We've worked out pencils. And partner. That was it. 445 Elliot from Wolverhampton has texted, my mum was given a microwave the year before I was born,

which was 1988, and it's still going strong. At its current rate, I can see it outliving me and generations to come. That's amazing. That's because I thought they had what they used to call built-in obsolescence. Oh. Your modern white goods. I wonder if the ones now have, but in 1988 or 87... Is a microwave classed as a white good?

I think it is. Actually, is white good? Can you have the singular? Well, I don't know if I would, because if I bought a house, I wouldn't expect the microwave to come with it. Do you understand what I mean? I think ours did. Did it? Well, I did persuade them to lift the curtains.

Did you? I'm not a person who goes in with a sledgehammer and knocks one morning. I said, you need that table. Yeah. Same to take it. Do you know, Frank, I've never owned a microwave. Never? No.

Shut up. Well, my mother wasn't a big fan. What do you do with your, um, how do you do your hot towels for make-up removal? Oh, that'd be useful for that, wouldn't it? It is, isn't it? Pop them in the tumble dryer. No, I've never, I think it, I believe they that, wouldn't it? It is, I think. Pop them in the tumble dryer. No, I've never... I think it missed...

I believe they're not very fashionable, once again, but I think that window just never opened for me, because my mother didn't trust me. It's not a window, it's a door. That's true. See, you really don't know your way around one. What about defrosting? How are you doing that quickly?

Um, I just do things... Oh, natural. Oh, yeah, plan ahead. Plan ahead, put them out that morning. Yeah. That is a good system. defrosting how are you doing that quickly um i just do things so natural oh yeah exactly it's quite ahead put them out that morning yeah that is a good system wow that's uh never owned one hot water could be good for it i just i felt they were maybe a bit carry katona if i'm honest did you okay i don't know what you mean but i'm I think I have a sense of it. Yeah. I thought you might have been put off by the fact that if your desk is close to one, you go blind in one eye, if I remember. Is that right? That was how the stories went in the early days.

Yeah, they emit. Do they emit a little bit? I don't think so. No, they probably don't, but they used to, or at least theoretically. I think the worry was there, wasn't it? I would love to know how to do a jacket potato properly, you know. When I do a jacket potato, you end up... Keep trying it and trying it in the microwave. You do, like, five minutes.

When I put something in the microwave for five minutes, I think this must be too much. Five minutes seems like an age. What's the average time for the microwave? I'm going three. You see, I do, like, a minute, minute and a half for things. But jacket potato... I think this must be too much. Five minutes. What's the average time for the microwave? I'm going three. You see, I do like a minute, minute and a half for things. But jacket potato, for some reason the potato is a stop. It's like the old Luddites rebelling against the advance of farming machinery.

Yes. It won't give in to the microwave. And this? You keep prodding it, it's still raw. And I end up, it gets very, it gets quite wrinkly. It comes out looking like W.I.H. Ordon. And the base of it, it forms its own coaster on the bottom. So there's a hard, sinuous base that's been against the plate.

So you've had to eat it off the base sort of thing. Yeah. The way you might chew a mango off its stone. Yes. Oh yeah. I think the best for the jacket potato is the oven. But there is a compromise available isn't there? I don't have half a day. Well actually Al I always understood

the microwave was meant to be just you know the finishing touch at the end. Oh. I didn't realise it was meant that you could go from broke with the microwave with the potato. I'd go for the other way around. I'd go microwave first and then oven. I'd, you know, get the outside a bit...

Well, what they used to do, they used to put... This is still on air, isn't it? Yeah. They used to put a fork through the potato and then put it in the oven so the fork got hot and cooked the potato from the inside. Absolutely ingenious idea. If you put a fork in a microwave...

Yeah, good luck with that. The whole office would be blind in one eye, not just the desk next to it. It's my theory. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm afraid there's been some sad news this week. I thought so with his family.

Who is it? Well, it's Hiddleswift. Oh. The Hiddleston-Swift combo has got... Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston, they were called Hiddleswift. So the portmanteau is over. Not just the relationship, that whole word is obsolete now. People should think about this.

Unless it can become a generic name for a short-lived doomed. Yes. Always, always, they were talking about when will it split, the minute it started, really. Yeah. Well, they have said since. I mean, obviously, there's his camp, there's her camp. They're both camping.

There's been a lot of camping. I wish I had a camp. People offer you a lot. I don't have a camp. Should I have a camp? Yeah, I'm in your camp, Frank. You don't make statements on my behalf. I would do. It's been a long time since I was in a love story in the tabloids.

I used to get that. I used to get people knock on my door and say, can we talk to you about your new girlfriend? Oh, did they? Oh, no, that was the police. No, no, I used to get a journalist knock on my door and say, can we talk about your new... I mean, as a regular, when I was, you know, such a famous...

What about when Frank and I went out as friends, may I say? We've never been down Love Lane, have we, Frank? No. And... We haven't even hung around at that gate at the end. No. That's totally what we have. But there was a picture of us in the paper.

Do you remember that? And I think they mistakenly thought we were dating at the time. This was pre-Cath. And they said... They rung me and said, oh, can we get a quote from you? And I said no, and someone made one up anyway. What was your quote? Can you remember? Yes, I can.

It was, you'd recently been quoted as saying something about women over 30. I won't say the exact quote. Oh, yes. Yeah, but it had been taken entirely out of context. It was a light-hearted remark that had been taken entirely out of context it was a light-hearted remark that had been taken out of context nevertheless nevertheless yeah so they asked me my views on that and apparently i said well i don't want to say anything but no

that is the claim that i said i've known frank a long time we've been friends but i'm certainly very surprised by his comments now when have i? Now, when have I ever been surprised, really, by any of his comments? Shocks is a better word. Yes, well, but now, like I say, no-one would care. Yeah, you're not Hiddleswift territory, are you? If I dated... Leslie Joseph, for example. I don't think they'd care.

I think Kath might have something to say about it. Kath obviously would be edgy about it. I think we'd have to talk. But I don't think the papers would be on my doorstep. I'd like if Kath just had to accept that he was dating Leslie Joseph. Yeah, I'll say, look, you know, it's probably just a passing thing, according to my camp. That's my camp, about it.

I don't talk about it direct. If you did, Leslie Joseph, could we be your camp? Because I would enjoy that. I think it would be fun to be your camp. Yeah, but what are you going to say? Don't be too hard. I'm going to say stuff like, Frank says... Yeah.

And then just... Frank says you'd be surprised. We'd be... Dot, dot, dot. Yeah. Just stuff like that. Yeah. Sort of slightly cryptic.

Frank says when the fish follow the trawler, just start doing a bit of cancer. Yes, we'll just come out with really strange things. We'll be a slightly weird camp, I think. Frank says he's got enough pencils to last a lifetime. Deal with it. Frank said it's getting dark, but it's not quite midnight. LAUGHTER Frank said it's getting dark but it's not quite midnight We were discussing jacket potatoes

being microwaved earlier Don't worry we're not going to go into this at length Oh too late 455 is text This is where I think the show just separates away from being entertainment and turns into a civic duty. Oh, we're not flying. I think this is really useful info.

Yeah. Dear Frank, for lovely jacket potatoes, five mins in microwave, then drizzle with olive oil and cracked pepper and salt and finish in a hot oven for a few minutes to crisp the outside. Yeah, but what do you call in a few minutes? A few minutes. But I think it would need to be a hot oven, otherwise the few minutes won't have any impact.

Five minutes, won't do. I'll try it, but I'll just eat raw potato. The least satisfying of the raw vegetables. Raw potato? Oh, yeah, well, you need to cook it, otherwise it can be poisonous. Pretty much poisonous. I don't like least satisfying.

Is it poisonous? Yes. Can I just say that Jill continues, make sure you've turned it over to avoid the hard bottom. That's what she says. But it... I'll try it. Look at the little cogs whirring.

He's thinking, should I go there? No, I'm not going to go there. Yeah, yeah, I'm not going to go. It's a bit Noel Edmonds. Crinkly bottom and all that stuff. on grow up idiotic eureka moment i've just got that you just got crinkly but have you well i didn't think it was very him to be going down those routes no i suppose frank yeah you know you were jokingly we should say referring to a relationship between you and Leslie Joseph. Oh yeah.

I hope Crickley Bottom isn't the trigger for this. Oh dear. Okay. I did. So Matt is suggesting... I should tell you I have previous, not of that nature. What? There is

a place in my heart for Leslie Joseph. Oh, is there? Well, I'll tell you after this. Okay. Well, Matt has said, what's the skin of Joseph Portmanteau? He suggested Frankly, Frankly. Yeah. Or Joe Skin.

Joe Skin. How do you feel about those? Scoseth. Scoseth I like. You like that, do you? I love Scoseth. Scoseth I like. You like that, don't you? I love Scoseth. Yeah. So where does this affection spring from for Joseph?

Well, many years ago I was at a showbiz do and I was talking to Leslie Joseph. This is when she was a birds of a feather the first time round. Yeah. Great days. We were talking to this other person who I won't name, and he said... Celebrity, though.

Yeah. Kind of, yeah. Yeah, he was in an adjoining postcode. Got it. And he said, oh, can I get your phone number? And she said, you must never ask a star for their phone number and uh it was brilliant it's a brilliant he it shot him down

dead but then she kindly left a gap in order for me to say oh no no it's fine which of course i didn't feel um but i just i love it when people know the rules it was great and also of course I savoured the word star for many days but I love that she came to my aid as it were that's nice isn't it

good old Leslie Joseph and I can get to the break so I can find out who it was I don't think it'll ring any bells okay to be honest um and that wasn't upon suggesting it was the town crier who uh who announces the royal baby births it wasn't him okay good um but yeah and they um i've i've also i've got a song i was watching strictlyly launch I'll have to come to this because we have to play some music. Oh and we've got a new

mystery of today which I like. Shall I put that on hold? Put the whole damn thing. I'll put it on 30 seconds in the microwave. We were talking about Swift. What's her first name? Taylor. Yes. Do you know what Frank? Sorry but that's not her first name. We've got multiple tabs

open at the moment. We have. I can't keep up with it. Yeah. OK, I'm a tab juggler, don't worry. Are you? Mm. Worth seeing.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Boys, we have a lot of tabs open currently on this show, content-wise, but can I just focus on one tab at the moment? Sure. Which is from 895. Hi, Frank and the guys. I would have said that the current mystery of today, we've obviously been talking about Nessie and various other things,

is the sighting of various large black cats around the country. Oh, there is. From Southampton. I like that, Rob. That's right. That is good. Yeah. It's not up there, though, with Bermuda Triangle and Loch Ness Monster, is it? No. I don't think there is a lot.

But it's what they've got, the youth of today. That's what they've got. They're making the best of it. I tell you what, because of the... They're making the best of it. I think they like conspiracy theories more than mysteries. Yes. Do you know what I mean?

The Illuminati's not really a mystery, is it? It's conspiracy theory. No. Yeah. Remember when we mentioned chemtrails on the show? Oh, the switchboard lit up. Oh, they love a chemtrail? What's it called? Sasquatch. Sasquatch. Bigfoot.

Oh, yeah, Sasquatch, yeah. I think that's Bigfoot's real name, Bigfoot being his stage name. That's right. Well, one of our readers, I believe it's Clive, who's one of my regulars, he suggested this morning that the reason that we don't have

these Bermuda Triangles and such like is because of the smartphone. He says there are no more mysteries because the advent of HD cameras in everyone's pocket has destroyed UFOs and ghosts. Yeah, that may be a good point. We're a very evidence-heavy society now.

Yeah, what's that thing that's on the internet? No picture, no story. Photos of what didn't happen. Yeah. Oh, is that what they reckon? Very similar. I just praise CD. I can't remember what I was talking about. What was I talking about? Are we going to close that tab now, Emily? Yeah, that tab is closed. Thank you. Let's just rest that. I love that. It's a little paperclip character. He's waving goodbye. I haven't seen him for ages. Is he still on there? No. Sadly, he's no longer with us. But the thoughts are with his family. The stapler. I bought it. And isn't he related to the Bulldog clip?

Yeah. No, he's also passed away. Yes, I knew the Bulldog clip had Yeah. No, he's also passed away. Yes, I know the Bulldog clip had gone. Oh, that's a shame. But Taylor Swift and Tom, I always want to say Tom Huddleston, who's a footballer that played for Hull for a period of time. Oh, nominative determinism. Yeah.

But Huddleston, Hull, yeah, I suppose. What kind of? Nearly. It would have been better if Rod Hull had played for them. That would have worked out. For so many reasons. Are you allowed to play with an artificial bird on your arm? What are the F.A. rules on that? I suspect that, yeah, they've probably got quite strict uniform rules.

I think they should introduce that instead of penalties. But you have to do 20 minutes with an artificial bird on your arm. If Rod Hull had ghosted in at the far post and Emu had headed home, is that a header or is it handball? It's definitely handball. Sorry to burst the bubble for many people. He's saying no a lot this morning. It'd be terrible in an improv group.

Yeah, and the beak would burst the football, surely. No, it's a header. No, but if it's Emu... The beak's not strong enough. The ball's... it's a header. No, but if it's Emu. The beak's not strong enough. The ball's a... Emu's header. No, but Emu's got the beak and then he's got a forehead and stuff. You think he'd be a good headerer of the

ball rather than just face it? I think he'd make a decent fist of it. Is this what it's like in a Birmingham pub at 11 at night? It is. That's it. Would it be handball if Emu scored at the far post? If Rod Hall played for Hall? Yes. We've all had enough now. Come on, gents.

Sir, Tom, apparently... Oh, sorry, I was just going to press the button there. Oh, dear, that was... All right, Donald Trump. That was a terrible moment. You know when you put the phone down and just as you put the phone down, you hear, and you think, oh, I've got to call them back now. Maybe they'll call me back. Maybe it was nothing.

Maybe they'd just fallen. They thought the lift was there. It wasn't. They just stepped into the empty shaft. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've just had a bit of an exciting revelation. I can't believe it. I'm in shock, Frank. Charlie, our producer, turns out, was in an advert for Aladdin, the movie.

On VHS, which is the best bit. Yeah. Why, she doesn't look old enough to have done anything on VHS. No, she really doesn't. But that's... I'm going to see Aladdin this afternoon, so we were just talking about it, and we were all saying, oh, Emily says I used to listen to the soundtrack

in the car and all that stuff. And we all thought, look at us without Aladdin stories. Yeah. And then... Boom. Wow. Knocked it apart.

I can see her in a nice pair of pyjamas and with a little... with a boy, and they looking all excited putting the VHS in. That's how I imagine it was. I imagine her sort of forced into a small, um, uh, lamp. Oh, yeah. Really tight under the arms and just, watch Aladdin! Oh, let me out! Did I? We'll have to saw it through, Steve. Mm.

Was that what it was like? OK. I hope the advert's on YouTube. We'll find it. Yes. Oh, yeah. Could be. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, we've heard from the outside world. We've had this from Suzanne. I've been eating raw potatoes since the 70s. Every time potatoes... This is through a medium. Every time... You said they were poison.

I did. Well, she then... Yes, but she says every time... There's something that explains this. Every time potatoes are peeled, I have to do an extra one for my raw treat. And she's from Birmingham. So she's one of your this. Every time potatoes are peeled, I have to do an extra one for my raw treat. And she's from Birmingham. So she's one of your people.

So maybe in Birmingham it's just a tougher constitution. They're just not poisonous to Birmingham. Well, they're just made of sturdier stuff. As Alan had just said to me during that song, of course, you used to eat raw sausages at home, which we did. We used to squeeze them at the skin straight into our mouth. Like when you eat, you know those frozen ice popsicle stick things? Oh, I don't.

Drain the last bit, like, drain the last bit of meat out of the skin. Stop it. And yeah, I don't do that anymore, I've got to point out. Yeah, if there's anybody of an impressionable age listening, don't eat raw sausages. No, I don't think that... I don't... Well, I don't mean I are, but I'm not recommending them. I think it... Let me just check.

No, official absolute policy, don't eat raw sausages. Oh, good. We've had another email in from Brett. Oh, no, that's graffiti. It's just graffiti on the book. And the subject line is simply potato. OK. No E. Well done, Brett. To stop potato getting hard at base,

stand on three toothpicks. Wow! Hang on. You stand the potato on the toothpicks, not you. Well, surely it would topple over. No, no, you put them in... I'm not trying to stand Eddie Large on three toothpicks. No, no. It's not going to work. No, you could tripod it. What you would do, you'd make it like a

milking stool. Would Eddie Large stand on the milking stool? I think he would if there was TV coverage. I think he'd stand on a flaming brazier.

But I'm going to try that, because as you can imagine, I've got lots of toothpicks at home. Why? Well, because I pick my... It's one of my great joys, is getting stuff out from in between my teeth. So what I could do is I could use them, because only me is going to eat the potato.

In fact, what I could do is I could leave the meat on the end of the... Yeah. On the end of the toothpick and then put them in and it would be like a sort of a meaty version of a chicken kiev with an extra flavor on there yeah so the meat would uh obviously it's all right this is horrible you're right really and when i take them out of the potato they'll'll be sweet clean again. I can use them over and over. Maybe, now I've discovered this, maybe I've got enough toothpicks to last me the rest of my life.

What a morning it's been for revelations. I'm enjoying the conversation about Taylor Swift, by the way. Who'd have thought she's a woman who opens so many doors? She's like an advent calendar of conversation. You open one tiny door, next thing you know, you're putting meat-covered toothpicks into a potato. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran on this occasion. You can text the show on 8... LAUGHTER Just a minute. That's the me housework. You can text the show on 8-12-15, which is a lot of people are, and there's some gold coming in. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio,

silver, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, Bronze. Thank you. Just checking my emails to see if I'm still doing the show. On this occasion. Alan Corcoran on this occasion. No, this is a man who's just had a month in France. A month on France, I believe. Old Duchess of York over there.

People are still asking me if I've dyed my hair blonde because the sun has hit it. I mean, I did look at it today and I thought, it's so grumpy, I won't ask him. But it really does, it does look like you've dyed it. Got a touch of the Johnny Lee Miller in Trainspotting about it, hasn't it? I think it's got a touch of the Shane Warne. Oh. Yes.

That is not as good. It has got a bit of that. I like the way I said it. That is not as good. It has got a bit of that. I like the way I said it. We've been running a text in, what have you got enough of for the rest of your life? And 557...

Yours is sunning. Yeah, exactly. Silver foils, which you secretly put on. Oh, lovely. It looks great. Jim has texted, bought what is effectively a bucket of French mustard on a trip to Dijon. If correctly refrigerated, I think this may outlive me.

Yeah, that could be right, because mustard's got a pretty good sell-by. That's actually made me fancy mustard. Actually, he's made a great point there, because condiments, I mean, I'm sure I've got enough to last me my life of all these things. Well, we don't use them in the Catholic Church. There was a potato correction, wasn't there? There was a potato correction. Mystery Dave...

A PC. Mystery Dave has tweeted us... OK. ..to say, Raw hashtag potato. Great use of hashtag there. We've got potatoes trending. What about corned beef hashtag potato?

Very good. Very good. Raw hashtag potato is not poisonous. Green potato is poisonous, i.e. the stem and leaves of the potato plant. Thanks, Mr. Dave. Oh, not those green patches that you get on potatoes. Doesn't mean that bit. He doesn't specify.

You know when you get to the chip shop and you get one of your chips and it's one of those green or a black one? Yeah. Is that what you say? They're definitely not poisonous. It's like my mum used to say to me that if you eat the yellow bit of a pomegranate, it's poisonous.

True or not true? Yeah. What did you think was poisonous April 15th? That is the kind of thing that we're running today. Of course, if you swallow chewing gum, it sticks your insides up and you die. Yes, we used to hear that.

I used to imagine, if you swallowed hobba bobba, you know, that big bubble gum. I thought you were more of a Bazooka Joe fan. If you swallowed hobba bobba and then you... This is too crude. Would you want to run it past us? No, it's too crude. During the break?

I think I know where I'm supposed to go. Yeah, exactly. You can work it out. I can't. Well, the picture bubbles, but I still can't. Okay, well I'll tell you during, I don't want to, I just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. Shall we clean it up a bit? Because Troy has tweeted us to say hashtag whatever happened to you.

Well, I'm from Stingray? Sorry, sorry, Troy. To ask where his equipment's gone. And it's actually in the studio here at Absolute Radio. Oh, it is. Troy says... There is stuff that does look like the dashboard of Stingray in this studio. It's all radio equipment.

I asked Marina about it from Stingray and she said... She was a mute character. She said no comment, I believe. Troy says, hashtag, whatever happened to cat stuck up trees? Yes. And then he said it happened to his cat this morning and he's enclosed a lovely picture. And did he found the fire brigade?

Well, that's quite a 70s, isn't it? It is. When's the last time a firefighter got a cat out of a tree, would you say? Yeah. I don't think that happens anymore. I think they use knockout darts. What are they doing? It's a yo-yo.

What are they doing with the cats up a tree now? You get two kids holding a blanket underneath, knockout dart. Cats aren't up trees anymore. They're inside, making those gifts for the web. They're probably all too fat now. They're looking online and things. They're all different now, cats. Yeah, you're right, there's just so much filming, cats.

They don't have time. They're in Winnebago. They're making gifts. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, we do need to talk about Taylor Swift at some point, don't we?

And Hiddleston. Yeah. Indeed. They're over. It's done. But before we do, 831... LAUGHTER ..has texted us... This is like at the end of Eric Morecambe, when the bloke used to come on with the harmonica, and he'd say, not today, whatever his name was, Eric.

I know. Well, it's because our readers, to be fair, have been top draw this morning. They have absolutely, top four. Respect. Respect to Mondo. Respect to Mondo to our readers this morning. 831 has texted us something to say. We were talking about what we thought

was poisonous. What we used to think was poisonous. So far we've got potatoes for Emily and for me the yellow bit of a pomegranate. And 439, I told my daughter that all black sweets are poisonous to kids so can only be eaten by dads. That's from James. Oh, that's very unkind.

I know. But 831... You would have served him right if there'd been a poisonous one yeah the 831 has got in touch to say i used to think chow dog's black tongues were poisonous i was terrified in case they licked me i like the idea that someone would buy a pet that could kill you at any second poisonous tongue i believe by the, that chows have got blue tongues, not black. Yes, you're correct. They do have that. Maybe the ones with the black tongues are the poisonous ones.

It's the old dads that have been eating the sweets. That's who's got black tongues. That's what it is. That's why they're poisonous. They've been eating the poisonous black sweets. It all makes sense now. Anyway, Taylor Swift. I don't think of a Dog's tongue being poisonous there.

Mm. I used to... Sometimes my dog would sleep with his tongue slightly extended, maybe about half an inch out of his mouth. Oh, who's that, Shep? Yeah, and I just used to take a very gentle hold of it. Ooh. Do you know what?

It's great. Hang, I feel a bit sorry for the other one, because Shep is the sort of Bross twins, I'm afraid, and the other dog in the Skinner household is, was a little bit like Craig from Bross. Because I don't even know his name. No, that was Cal.

I know but I always forget it. Yeah, yeah, Shep was their character but just gently hold the tip of the tongue. Lovely. Yes, Taylor Swift. Well they're both claiming that they broke up with the other. Quite infantile way, if I'm honest. I've heard of that since the 70s in Birmingham.

People say, no, I dumped him. No, no. No, I dumped him. I hope when you and Leslie Joseph break up that you're more mature in the media. That's what I'm hoping. Well, I'll release information saying Leslie just couldn't handle him. I think we can safely say, till death I still part. Yeah, yeah.

Apparently Tom Hiddleston's got a three-month rule. What's that? A three-month rule? What does that mean? That's his thing. Three months and then he gets bored of people. He's a commitment phobe. He gets bored after three... Well, apparently we are. No, no, no. Maybe it's like the five-second rule. He drops them and if he doesn't go out with them again within three months,

they go off with someone else. Three months is barely enough time to get a good row going. I know. The first three months are trauma and insecurity. Well, you say that, but not of this relationship, because within one month he had a t-shirt with I heart Taylor Swift on it. Well, we don't know it was Taylor Swift, it said TS.

Could have stood for anything. Oh, Tom Selleck. Well, that would have been a whole other reason why she's dumped him. Yeah. He did seem to be growing a wispy moustache at the time, so maybe he was a bit of a Tom Selleck fan. That's interesting, though. So what did it say?

I love TS. I heart TS. Maybe. the time so maybe he was a bit of a tom selleck fan that's interesting though so what did it say i love t i heart t s maybe do you think she bought that for him yeah that's poor well it's a bit you've obviously got a lot of faith in your material to use one of your tropes i mean the trouble is once you've got the t-shirt that says i heart ts it's like every time you see you think oh it's possible to wear the t-shirt because it's going to be that you don't um you don't wear the t-shirt what t-shirts like you know a t-shirt yeah it's in the it's in the water you do wear it then because i see pictures of you you never seem to be... Oh, it could be a nightmare. Yeah.

Timeshare. I heart Timeshare. I think he loves Timeshare. I've heard that about him. He loves a Timeshare. He's got a place in Torremolinos. I was going to go, but he only had two weeks in October. It's not worth it.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Uh, take the swift. I'm still, um, I'm still worried about the T-shirt, the I Heart TS. Oh, are you? Why? Somebody has suggested that it's I Heart T-shirt. Train set? Oh, that'd be train set. That's a good thing.

Yes. I had a T-shirt specially made once, and on the chest it just said slogan. Did you? Yeah. That's quite good. Yeah. But on the back of it I had a picture of Steve Logan, the former bad boy wrestler.

So if anyone pressed me on it, I'd say it's a reference to S. Logan. Very good. I mean, we got into quite a long conversation. Sometimes it got physical. I was going to say, it's a garment... You'd use it in wrestling at that point. It's a garment that requires a lot of backstory, though. Yeah, it does.

I quite like that. But if he was out, and I wouldn't... Steve Hogan? No, I think... Oh, whoa, whoa. Tom Hiddleston. I mean, if he was out and about. If I saw Tom Hiddleston,

I'm not at all confident I'd recognise him. Really? He's not going to go to the places we go, Frank. No, I know. He lives on the jets. I doubt if he'll be at Aladdin. Oh, do you know, I wish I was. Frank got quite shocked at my knowledge.

I just burst into song. Although Taylor Swift's always got Aladdin. She does seem to have, yeah. Yeah. But if you saw him and didn't know who he was, I'd be really... It'd annoy me, I heart TS. I'd really want to know what it was.

Oh, really? Yeah, wouldn't you? Yeah. Yeah. It's just not very convincing yet. No. Okay. But we don't really know that it is Taylor Swift, do we?

The TS? Well, Sarah, who works on this show, has a theory she's seen on the interweb BuzzFeed net that it's all a hoax, an elaborate publicity stunt, and there's going to be a music video released soon. Oh. This is what Sarah thinks. Telling the whole story of the...

Yeah, which I think could have, you know, some credence. What Sarah thinks. Frank! Still doesn't answer the question of what's going to happen to the T-shirt. I feel like, you know, the normal trajectory is when you've worn a T-shirt out and about, it then becomes a sport T-shirt, doesn't it? Yeah.

And then sleep. He'll sleep in it. Then sleep. Well, it depends where he's with us, I suppose. Exactly. He can't wear it as a sleep T-shirt. You can't wear that ever again with a lady. Yeah, he's going to have to...

It's just five a side now, isn't it? He'll have to just make it inside out. But he can never... No, he'll say... He might have to throw away a perfectly good T-shirt. Imagine that. He'll come up with some story. They always do.

It's a reference to T.S. Eliot, one of my great loves. Yeah. Maybe it says Eliot on the back of the T-shirt. I could have that put on the back of it. That would work. I would write that with Sharpie quickly before the lady came round. And then he's all right. What's the chances of Tom Hiddleston having the physicals

with a woman who knows who T.S. Eliot is? Absolutely out of the question. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. 411 suggesting that Tom and Taylor are big fans of Tommy Steele. Oh, well, rock with the caveman. Yeah. Half a sixpence. Once upon a time there was a little white bull.

He does them all. What about half a sixpence? Now, that's a crack. Half a sixpence? Now that's a crap. Half a sixpence. Oh, that flesh-bent wallet. What a picture. Oh, I love that one. Stick it in your family.

Album. I hope they don't take that stick it in your family and use that just as a trailer on its own. That's so. Anyway, so it's all over. I was going to say, I had a letter from a guy called Stephen Hawkins. You did? Not him.

And he said, here is a little gift for you. No, it's Stephen Hawkins. Okay. And he sent me a tiny Doctor Who jigsaw that he found in a little shop in the Lake District when camping, as he said. It's a message from my camp. Oh, nice. And he says afterwards you can use the tin as a sweetie box and then in brackets offer snuff.

Oh, haven't you snuffed from many a long year and oft? That's such a lovely gift. Yeah. Could you say my name on the show in a Crazy Horses style so I can use it for my text message alert? You know what, Stephen? Also known as 677. I'm going to do that.

OK, so are you ready? Those of you who aren't familiar with this, you may remember Crazy Horses, the old Osmonds I was adding Hs, where there were none. Here we go, then, Stephen Hawkins. OK. Steve... Oh, no.

That was terrible. That was horrible. I seem to have contacted one of the... Troy has brought one of the Aquafibians from Stingray with him. Okay. I hope he doesn't bring Titan. That's... Okay, I know, we won't go in there.

Okay, here we go. Stephen Hawkins. There you go. Okay. Another person, another happy ponter. Yeah. Done a housekeeping. I absolutely love the total lack of bashfulness that you bring to this sometimes.

What? When people say, do this for me, you just go, yeah, all right. I love the total lack of bashfulness that you bring to this sometimes. Why? When people say, do this for me, you just go, yeah, all right. Sometimes you've got to help people. Brilliant. Brilliant. Some people could get really truculent, like, what, am I a monkey here to perform? But you don't. You just do it, don't you?

So, Taylor Swift... In a way, I am a monkey here to perform. I never thought of you as biddable, but it's... Have you seen the colour on my backside? It's bright red. In a way, we're all monkeys. Yeah, we are. Well, we were monkeys, apparently. I like that idea. I love monkeys.

Do you know that we were apparently all monkeys? Breaking news. That's a controversial viewpoint. I don't know. Lock Ness News. We were once monkeys news. You guys are cutting edge today. Speak for yourself, Darwin.

What about that? If everyone had said... It made the big announcement and everybody in a beautiful chorus had gone, You are... And he'd said, No, no, it's everyone. And they'd go, No, no, it's just you. That's what it is. And he then said, Oh, well, we might not be.

Oh, no, too late. You've said it now. I think you should copyright that phrase. It's so associated with you now. I find myself getting irritated when others use it back off you are it's very infectious though

well it's the tone, he's got the tone bang on you see ah yes, it's all about tone selection which I believe Tom Hiddleston loves absolute absolute radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about this? What about this for a bit

of comedy? So the Taylor Swift three hours into the show. I thought I'd leave her a bit. Give her a bit of, a spoonful of sugar. Helps the microwave potato go down. So Tom Hiddleston, eh, and Taylor Swift.

Yeah. Imagine I hadn't set it up. So Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift, Tom Hiddleston thing, I bet that was a low-key affair. Low-key? I bet that was a low-key affair. Low-key.

I don't understand. He played low-key, you see, in Thor. Oh, did he? Eh? No, Frank, that's not... Not happy with that? Well, it's not that I'm not happy with it. It requires...

Any joke that requires Googling is a problem. Well, I think a lot of people know that he was low-key. You know, the other problem is that I heard low-key and key was a separate word and I thought it was like some kind of music joke, like she sings in a low key. What has this turned into, Review Frank's Joke? Yeah, that's exactly what it's turned into, isn't it?

It's comedy post-mortem. I think this is a TV of a TV show idea. I think it was always going to turn into this when Frank said, hey, here's a bit of comedy for you. You know how? I think they should do that in that Mock the Week show. You know when they have to step into the pit of doom and say, is it? No, and they do a little joke. I think the others should just sit there and comment on how they think it's gone.

Can I ask you a question about Mock the Week, which I've thought about. Is it? I don't know why you're looking at me. Is it a pun on Mott the Week? Yes. As in W-E-A-K? Yeah. It is, I think.

I think so. Well, I don't know. I wasn't involved in the naming process. Quite an unkind pun. But I was the warm-up man on the first couple of series. Anyway, Taylor Swift, let's Mott the Powerful. Quite an unkind show in But I was the warm-up man on the first couple of stories. Anyway, Taylor Swift, let's mop the purple. Quite an unkind show in many ways. In many ways.

Well, I think it's got nicer. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I tell you what I did like about Taylor Swift. On a fashion point, if I may bring in our fashion correspondent for a second. Oh, hi. Oh, you. No fashion correspondent for a second. Oh, hi. Oh, you. No, no, your cast.

Oh, your newly dyed hair. Your cast and money saving. I'm still worried about what he's going to do with that T-shirt. I feel like it's not going to get its use. What am I, a fashion and slightly strange childhood? Yeah. Okay. In a good way.

In a lovely way. In a good way. In a lovely way. So, I'm very much liking, and I've seen a few of these, but Taylor was featured in a pair this week. The leggings, the sort of sports leggings with a gauze inlay. Which gives you a sort of see-through

panel. It reminds me of the microwave experience. It's a little modesty panel. Now... Well, it's not... Is it modesty? I think it's a bit of a tease. Well, I'll tell you what it is. It's part of a whole new gen of leisure wear. Yes, I said that intentionally. Yeah. Called Sports Lux.

Sports Lux. OK, so is that sports stroke luxury? Yes. Yes. OK. What about the stroke? A bit creepy. But yeah, sports slash lux. That's so is that sports stroke luxury? Yes. Yes. Okay. What about the stroke? A bit creepy. But yeah, sports slash lux. That's exactly right, Frank.

No, I like... So the idea is upscale sportswear, and it's a little bit evening-y, a little bit cheeky. I love that. I've seen a few of them about, the gauze-panelled... Yeah.

...legging. Let's call them the GPLs. Well, when I was buying Kath her leggings, her workout pants, which I did recently for her birthday from Stella McCartney, I toyed with the gauze panel and I worried whether you'd be okay

with it. The only thing that would worry me about the gauze panel... Sounds like you'd be more than okay with it. Yeah, wish I'd gone gauze. I'd have loved it. But I... I find that women, I've seen a lot of men, um, bare-legged in my time. Mm-hmm. Join the club.

Yeah. And I, um, I, women seem to attract leg bruises in a way that men don't. I've always got bruises on them, women. Have you noticed that? On the sort of places like on the back of the car. I'm really glad this is the last link. Have you noticed women's legs have got bruises? No, I think that's true. I can say this. It's because we're fleshier. We're fleshier, so we bruise more easily. Well, that's because you've got

a shire horse, tough legs. So on some of the GPLs I've seen, the gauze paneled leggings um occasionally you can see the bruise and within like sometimes i don't know if you've ever looked at a dark cloud um through trellis work right and it's like that you can see the dark shadow of it coming through the gauze window have you seen it on i mean i've seen women walk around in the gauze window. Oh, have you seen it on? I mean... Oh, but I've seen women walk around in the gauze, in the GPL. Don't think...

I mean, when I saw Taylor in them, I'd seen them about. Mm. Yeah, you've got to do a lot of what I call leg prep. Right. If you're going to wear the gauze panel. But where do the bruises come... And then you think, well, you may as well wear the short. Where do the bruises come from on women's legs?

Why are they so... Working out. The young gen like a workout? We just bruise more easily. Is it also they wear less trousers? We bruise a lot more easily, trust me, I've discovered that. Yeah, and of course those little lap dogs, their tails are like

little bull whips. Celebrity ladies with their dogs, you mean. Yeah. It's been a terrible week, hasn't it, for Tom? Why? Well, because... He looked terrible as that Loki.

Is it Loki? You made the joke that we didn't understand. The hair. I think she may have dumped him because the hair for that role. He looked awful. Well, he's a Norse god. Why has he dyed his hair psychic black, then? Like someone on Brighton Pier.

They had their own. Yeah, it is a bit... Day out at Robin Hood's birth. It's a bit Nick Cave. No, the last time we spoke about Tom, the beginning of Hiddleswift. Yeah. Do you remember, he was a hot favourite for the James Bond job.

Not anymore. And now this week they've offered Daniel Craig, they've offered him 150 million. Double bubble. So that cleaner's going to be getting a nice tip. Yeah. This austerity thing, it's not right across the board, is it? We're not all in this together.

Anyway, so I think we've actually spoken about Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston for three hours. It does feel that way. We're not ever really talking about them at all. It's a fabulous gift. Like platting smoke. Frank, can I just come to Aladdin and what if they could have a spare seat for me? I've only got four

seats though, I think. I might be able to get you in in my lamp. Oh, lovely. Imagine that. You can sit on my lamp. Okay, so thanks very much for listening. And if the good Lord spares us... We're still on next week. We're still on next week.

If the good Lord spares us, and indeed the absolute authorities, we'll be back next week. And creaks don't rise. This is an anagram of my usual sign-off. You can put it together in post. And Robert McGarvey's on the telly. You know we're still on the radio, right? I hope nothing's happened to him.

Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. No, get out.