The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Jean Splicing

Episode Date: August 12, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank, Emily and Steve discuss Mariah's lacklustre performance, daytime TV ads and Frank's interview with Al Gore.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, speaking of which. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, Emily Dean, Steve Hall, Texas show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That's the basics. Morning everyone. Morning. Good morning everyone. Morning. Good morning. Thank you.

People probably think we don't listen to the adverts that get played around this show. We do. There's a catchy tune on the street at the moment, the advert street. On the street? I can't quite... How does it go?

I'll tell you exactly how it goes. Well, you tell me. Have I got PPI dot com? Okay, I'll tell you how I think it goes. Did I get PPI dot com? That sounds better. I thought it was have I? Well, maybe it's have I. Okay, the producer's

nodding. I don't think we should see PPI in the past tense. The producer seems to be indicating in an extraordinary way that my tune's right, your lyrics are right. The only people that ever indicate in the modern world is the fourth official. I got the tune right, you got the lyrics right,

Frank. Okay. Anyway, it's got me thinking. I heard her singing, have I got PPI? Can I... I am a PPI denier. What do you mean? Because I get regular, like most people in Britain, I get regular texts telling me, asking me if I've got PPI

and I can claim back loads of money. And I've always thought it's a bit sordid. Me too. I don't want to get involved in it. It feels to me like some sort of laundering exercise. So I've ignored it. And now this advert has suddenly said that the deadline is August 2019.

Now, it's not pressing. I'm not going to say it's pressing. It's two years away. But it has made me think I'm going to be pretty gotted. I remember once finding a fiver in a drawer, and it was an out-of-date one. Oh, Frank. Oh, I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.

I don't think... You strike me as someone who's always adopted the neither a borrower nor a lender be maxim. Well, there was one point in my life when I had a mortgage. Okay. Man of the people, everyone. Yeah. A lot of people have that. It would just last them 25 years.

I did live in a lot of rented accommodation. It's not all been glory. No. But that could have been. Who knew? No one said to me. Because when someone said, have you ever had PPI, it makes it sound mean, who knew? No one says to me. Which is confusing, because when someone said, have you ever had PPI,

it makes it sound like they're accusing you of being a voyeur. Have you ever been PPI'd? Either that or you've gone to the toilet and had a horrible mistake. Explanations for that joke. 8, 12, 15. Wow. I think I did get PPI. You did?

I'm pretty sure I did, yeah. Well, fill your boots. Well, I don't, for similar reasons to you. I don't want to get involved and I don't want people... Well, I'm changing my mind, that's what I'm saying. OK. I'll tell you what it's like for me. Do you remember that girl at school, or boy, I suppose it worked for her,

at school, you never really noticed, never really registered, and then one day you thought, you know what? She's beautiful. You've never noticed before. That's what PPI is like in my life. I think I understand Steve's joke. Not PPI, but PPI refunds. PPI refunds. I think, didn't

he write a book about American history in the 1930s? I think I get the joke. Oh, do you? Yeah. Is it rude? No. It's like peeping, like a peeping Tom, PPI, an eye peeping.

Oh, you've got a PPI. Yeah. Is that right? I thought it was urine based. I'm so relieved. Relieved? Great news. Oh, it's been a strange week.

I feel like a fat kid at a sports day. You go, well done, Steve. We understand the joke. I don't think you can say that anymore. Sorry, I feel like a fat kid at a recreation day. You go, well done, Steve. We understand the joke. I don't think you can say that anymore. Sorry, I feel like a fat kid at a recreation day. You can't say fat kid anymore. Big-boned kid at a sports day.

Let's just leave it alone. It's been a difficult week. Guam. Guam. I only ever associated Guam with the Miss World competition. It's the only time I'd ever heard of it. I assume it's a small island just full of women in swimwear. In the Guam Parliament,

now we're going to do these missiles, I've got to get my nails done. Anyway, it's been a strange week. So I might investigate PPI. Why not? Yeah. I can give the money to charity if it comes to it. But what about if they get our email addresses, Frank?

They won't leave us alone. Well, I'm starting to think now, did I have a car accident that I haven't had? Because I've had a lot of those, and I thought maybe I had a car accident which I banged my head really hard. That's why I don't remember it. Accident at work?

I've had a few of those. There's no physical injury sustained, but... Well, I do know someone you can call about an accident at work. Oh've had a few of those. No physical injuries sustained. Well, I do know someone you can call about an accident at work. Really? Yeah. I know you might not know these people exist, but yeah.

And also, if you've got any gold you want to sell. What is that gold thing? Why did that become a thing? What do they send off the gold people? Do they send off necklaces? I think you send off gold in a sort of jiffy bag. When you say gold, it's not there will be blood

or whatever. I don't have a gold in brown bags in my drawers. We're talking about daytime television adverts. There seems to be a theory that some people have got gold lying about their house. And that they'd be happy to just post it. Send us your gold.

I mean, who's watching daytime telly? Tootin' Carmoon. Yeah, but it says you're old gold. And I thought, whoa, hold on. I don't have any old gold. What are you talking about? Oh, yeah, I've got those ingots. You don't have those ingots?

Where do I put those? June, where do I put those ingots? Make any sense? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 272 has got in touch. Oh, yes? Saying, let's not forget the track your ancestry through DNA adverts.

Oh, yes. So, that's from Mark, yeah. I've gone off tracking my ancestry since when I was approached by Who Do You Think You Are? which was many years ago. And they did a few phone calls and then I never heard anything else.

And apparently that can mean one of two things. What? That you're so dull, such a dull family, not worth bothering with. I can mean one of two things. What? That... There was no reply. You're so dull, such a dull family, not worth bothering with. Or, um... Blood on the tablecloth. Oh, dear. So, I don't know if... Absolute horror show.

Griffith Jones was on there. That'd be a good station. And one of his relatives was some sort of murderer, I think. Yeah, well, he might not be murdered, but they say usually if it's a major scandal, they back off. Well, Griffiths Jones, I think he'd killed someone, and Griffiths Jones...

Griffiths Jones has killed someone. No, his relative did, and I think his response was, oh, great, thanks very much, who do you think you are? Which is how the show ended, which was one of my favourites. Oh, that's right. So, Frank, you have never been on it I think that's a shame what's that but you've never beaten you've never done

sorry it's all about heroin earlier hmm and I thought you were battery I've never been on that either can I say no I didn't get on it so it's for the best my relatives keep telling me I don't know what it. Oh, okay. So it's for the best. My relatives keep telling me, I don't know what's gone on. What on earth has gone on in our family? 8, 12, 15. So I'll tell you what, here's a mystery, though. Here's a mystery that would have been a set piece, I would have thought, on who do you think you are.

Yeah. I found a silver, I'm going to call it a silver slipper. Not made of silver, but a slipper with a sort of silver sheen. I'll say slipper. A lady's shoe. Really?

Right. In my garden. Wow. Now, we don't live near the road, and we don't have the kind of neighbours that throw their shoes over the garden. Wow. Now, we don't live near the road or, and we don't have the kind of neighbours that throw their shoes over the garden. I don't live next to people like that anymore.

And it was just the one shoe? Just one shoe. Cinderella's gone feral. Yeah. I was thinking maybe it's an advert. You know, if there was a production of Cinderella that was being staged by American newspaper delivery boys...

Oh, yes. That might explain it. If there's any Americans listening, does that still happen, that they go down the road on a bike and they just throw the paper into the garden? Is that a real thing? Yeah. Are there any American newspaper boys listening?

Probably. And so, Frank, so the silver shoe... Could be an advert for a Long John Silver ballet. Could be. Was this front garden or back garden? This was back garden as well. Could you just explain what was the style of the shoe? Well, I'm not very good on ladies'

shoes, but it was I'd call it... Is it a mule? A backless mule? It's one of those that's got a hint of elastication so you can just pull it... Sounds absolutely disgusting. Pull the shoe on and it fits me. It's a young woman's shoe.

I always associate disgusting footwear with the over-70s. OK. I think it's the sort of thing on a summer's night if you were going out to a party you might wear. Flat? Flat, yeah. OK. OK.

I like how you're just horrified by the actual design of the shoe. I don't know why it's in my garden, though. It's not... We don't get stuff. We get, you know... A fox bought some bird parts in. That's fair enough. But I... My mother-in-law said a fox probably bought it in.

I thought, why? Why would a fox do that? Got the got-quan of the fox world. Exactly. Maybe there's some kids listening to this who are thinking Operation Mess With Skinner's Mind is working. Yeah, maybe that's possible. I wouldn't say I'm not lying away worrying about...

No. But perhaps, I mean, in the Islamic world, of course, it's tremendous abuse to throw your shoe at someone, if I remember rightly. Didn't a man throw his shoe at... George W. Bush. George W. Bush. Yes, yes.

And, of course, they beat the hell out of Saddam Hussein's statue. Yeah, they do, yeah. With the flip-flops. It was flip-flopped to pieces. I do that with them. Flip-flopped to verb. Yeah, I do that with photos of people I don't like. Do you hit them with your shoe?

Yes, I do. Well and truly sandalised. I imagine that your shoes, that you could throw, if you had three shoes, which is an unlikely, it's an unhappy combination, but if you had three shoes, I imagine you could throw them at a dartboard and get at least two of them for sticking.

Oh, I hope so. I've never seen that done with stilettos. There ought to be a stiletto. If I was on Britain's Got Talent, that's what I'd do. That would be my act. Yeah. I'm guessing the judges would be relatively polite if you're still holding a couple of LeBoutons at your side.

I mean, what a way for David Walliams to die. A stiletto just stuck in his forehead. It'd be a really exciting end to Bullseye. Yeah, try and retain her at a camp in that demise. That would be the cry from the cheaper seats. Yeah. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was talking about the mystery shoe I found in my garden.

If anyone has found anything interesting in their own garden, I'd love to hear from them. We've had a lovely tweet from Luke Bucknell who said he once tried to kick the head off a dandelion and his shoe went flying into next door's garden. He believes it's still there. Hold on. What happened to the dandelion?

Also, Frank, kick the head off a dandelion. That sounds like you're preparing to get very inebriated, I think. I'm going to kick the head off a dandelion tonight. Do you think it was a dandelion that had gone into the sort of Brian May mode that they go into, or that it was still yellow? Oh yeah, when it goes

a bit chrysanthemum. It's like that LA Girls Gone Wild or something. Dandelions Gone Wild. There was an MTV series. They go a bit mad, don't they? I know what you mean, Frank. They go to seed., don't they? I know what you mean, Frank. They go to seed. Yeah, they go to seed, exactly.

I have a lot... Well, I told you this story, I think. I lost a shoe at Chessington World Adventures on Ramesses Revenge when I inadvertently got caught up in a photo call with Boyzone. Is that stomach trouble?

Oh, you was in a... with Boyzone? Well, Boyzone had got on the ride, and I didn't realise there was one seat. Yes, and I got on the final seat. It's one of the best and worst things that's ever happened to me. Was it a PR stunt? Were they just hanging out? Yeah, they were having their picture taken. It was a PR stunt.

And I didn't know that I should have held back. So I just ran on, because I was next after Boyzone, not realising that this was a photo call for them. There was a picture somewhere of Boyzone and me looking mortified with one shoe. I'd like to see that picture. Yeah, still there, that. I imagine a lot of those boy bands,

they sort of travelled as a chain gang, didn't they? You didn't want your Zayn Malik escapades. They'd have to go, everyone pair off. I had... As you know, one of my passions on this show is a feature I like to call... Whatever Happened To... ..in which we talk about things I haven't seen for ages

and what happened to them. This week's... Whatever happened to... Is... Is... Whatever happened to... Ponter shadows at cinemas. Yes.

You know when people get up during the film and you used to see their shadow... What have they done? Why don't they do that anymore? Have they changed the angle of the projector? Or is it raised higher? Is the seating lower? Have people got shorter?

Is it the advent of digital? I don't know. Is it still projected from the back? Well, I believe so, but I think you're right. I think they've changed the seating so that it doesn't feel... Because it seems to be more like the Roman amphitheatre now the design whereas before it was all on one level maybe there must be if there's any projectionists or cinema workers yeah why don't i see the shadows of people coming

and going in the cinema anymore projected against the film used to be quite a big... Here's a question. Do you buy the superior seats as a matter of course? I always imagine if I buy the superior seats, there'll be someone dangerous sitting in them when I get there. This is because they're going to the boxing the other week, which is how boxing works. Most dangerous person gets the best seats. Yeah. So it puts me off a bit.

Because I don't mind not sitting in my seat, but I don't want to buy an exclusive special seat and then someone with neck tattoos sitting in it. Frank, what about when you buy a superior seat and then the whole cinema's empty, though? Oh, come on, that's awful. I don't know if I've ever done that. I mean, I do it all the time.

Thanks for joining me on my observation you did it in everyman cinemas which is ironic that something so posh should be called the everyman yes but do you buy the exclusive seats? I have done sometimes

if it's a really good for the Star Wars the new Star Wars films I thought I'll treat myself is there a new Star Wars film? so have I missed this? Oh, do you mean every time one comes out? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I didn't think they'd been going that long. I thought you were joking then and saying, as in, because they're so ubiquitous. Is there a new Star Wars film? You'll know when I'm joking, because I usually laugh first. Yeah, that's true. That's how I pull it off. Well, people, I find find in the 21st century

are always looking for new ways to be annoying in the cinema I'm surprised this has lapsed as a tradition but help us out you cinema know-alls Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

Absolute Radio I Absolute Radio. I received a Whatever Happened To this week. Oh yeah? From one of our... By Twitter? Yeah. One of our loyal readers. And I like him because his avatar is... Do you remember the botched Spanish fresco that a woman had attempted to restore it? I do. That's his picture and I like that. The documentary was called The fresco fiasco i remember very good thing he says that's what i drive i wake at 5 a.m because of impending armageddon and the onset of toothache but am i despondent am i buffalo the toothache has prompted a hashtag whatever happened to tying string to the affected tooth and a door handle you know this rings a bell and we might have discussed this in the past but it used to be i have done it to my own tooth and it used to be a tradition that yeah you'd tie a piece of cotton or whatever around your a loose tooth is a way to do it and then tied to a door handle and slam the door and it rips the uh tooth i knew i had a friend lost i'd say say, three-quarters of his jawbone.

Yeah, I've only seen it, they did it in an episode of, in the televised version of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. That was the only time I ever saw it and it looked absolutely barbaric. I think they tar and feather as well in Huckleberry Finn, so let's not set up any trends. We're not happy to follow through. Yeah, there were different times.

Yeah. So did it do the trick when you had it done? It came out, yeah. You see, sometimes they're just wobbly. They can be very annoying. I can't leave a wobbly tooth alone. No, I can't. Even other people's.

I'm always just messing about with it, seeing what it goes. So, yeah, I mean, if you're listening at home, don't do it, please, on my say-so. I think the official Absolute... Hold on, I've got the manual. I know Absolute are OK with it, as a method. As it turns out. Not Absolute...

Sorry, Absolute 60s, 70s and 80s are OK with it. Then it goes out of fashion. I don't know what ever happened to you, and I'm not sure if it qualifies. Well, let's find out. If we're happy with it, I'll give you the jingle. Cool. So, Rose, I was trying to explain to my Australian wife a phenomenon, and I realised I hadn't had any clue.

Whatever happened to the Walton sex tuplets? The, er... I'm giving you that. Oh, bless your heart. I'm giving you that. The Walton sex tuplets. Oh, I think I might have interviewed once. Really? Yeah. It used to be at the time, I think, I mean, I'm no

expert on fertility, but, um, I think in the early days of IVF that they chucked them all in chucked all the eggs they put all their eggs in one basket oh is that where you got that and uh and then when people started having six kids and seven kids at a time I think um I think basically they got a call from the social security can you stop doing this it's wiping us out. So you get this multi-birth thing. Yeah, and they were sort of so iconic in my childhood. I sort of have such strong memories of just the dad looking permanently frazzled.

Yes, and they got nappy adverts and all that. Yeah, yeah. That's how they used to make up the support money. I think there used to be lots of adverts for baby things. I've got to be honest, I didn't know that, which is unusual for me. And I thought you were referring in a very modern way to the Waltons, the TV family. I think they were of varying ages. Yeah, they were. I don't think they were all the same age.

The actors probably were. I like the idea that they were sex tuplets, but it was never referred to. I think in hillbilly society, it's frowned upon. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. You were asking readers to text in with weird stuff they found in their garden. 361 is just texting saying, some years ago we found a plastic ornamental duck in our garden and kept it image attached.

And then two minutes later he said, sorry, couldn't send image. Oh, we'll never know what that duck looks like. Have we heard from Beth Jordash? Google it. Google it Yeah This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio I interviewed Ali G this week That's what Al Gore is calling himself Oh yeah After the young vote I'm pretty impressed i'm a little

bit jelly bags as well are you well i love al got there's something i mean i was going to say there's something very senatorial about him but that's not surprising yeah i should say it was al gore not yeah i just i was um i was being flippant can i ask a very um a bit basic the question a bit shallow but is he is he attractive in the flesh? I think he looks like, he looks clean. He's very clean. Lovely. I thought if something happened and I had to lick him to get moisture,

I'd be all right with that. What's happened? You know, sometimes, a friend of mine once had a terrible... He went out on a massive drinking spree and then he got lost. And then he had... He was out long enough to get the resulting thirst that you get when you've been drinking.

Oh, yeah. And he had a panic and he's still drunkenness and he was going to die of thirst. So he licked condensation off someone's car windscreen. Wow. And the alarm went off on the car and he had to run away. Imagine this car windscreen.

No, it was a bit like Frost Nixon in here in the week. Well, obviously I didn't mention Frost because it doesn't exist anymore according to... According to... No. According to Big Al.

It was more like, if there'd been a Dodd-Nixon interview. Oh, yes. With Ken Dodd. Well, I heard from observers that it was a bit of a bromance. I think we... Well, he said to me, I said, look, what do I call you? Because in the film, he's got a new film.

Just so he could say, you can call me Al. Is that why you said that? Well, I just thought, I should mention, he has got a new film that opens next Friday called An Inconvenient Sequel. But he, I said, what do I call you? Because in the film, there's a man that calls him Mr. Vice President,

even though he hasn't been Vice President for whatever. In an alternate reality. Yeah, 15 years or so. So I said, and he said, that's an American thing. He said,

you know, I said, well, Mr. Gore's fine, you can call me Al, if you like. And of course, I got a slight, oh, it's quite cool

calling Al Gore Al. And then I said you know what, I'm going to stick with Mr. I don't know why, I just fancied it. Doing an interview when you say, so Mr. Gore there's something I like about it. It's a bit like doing an interview for someone claiming benefit.

Calling them Mr. Yes, I like it. It's very old-fashioned. But I was surprised that he was quite an informal, nice chap. Very early on, he said to me, you're a stand-up comedian? He said, I used to share a room with a... Actually, he's more sort of a...

He's Malak from down south. And he said, I used to share a room with a stand-up comedian. He said he became a stand-up comedian later. I said, did you know he was, could you tell he was going to be one? Not at all. He said he was very interested in medieval Italian literature. And I said, I find that a very common combination among stand-up comedians. And he said, really?

And I said, no. And he said, really? And I said, no. And he said, oh, you caught me out early on. And he was all right with it. He was all right with that. Oh, he didn't mind, yeah. So, yeah, I liked him, actually. Oh, I love him. I think Ali G is a lovely little addition

to your Rolodex. Yeah. Yeah, he's very big on the global warming thing. I'm going to call that his thing. He's in the global warming chair. Yeah. And so I interviewed him for, we're doing a show, I'll tell you now, there's a show on Absolute Radio, 7 o'clock tomorrow night, Sunday,

with me and the G-Man. I'm now calling him. I can't wait. So, yeah, I like... There's jokes. There's jokes as well. Did you get some jokes in there? There's jokes as well as...

Has he got a hint of Armageddon? I mean, you know, I know it's a bit strange this weekend because you're thinking we might not be around long enough to experience true global warming that maybe we go and fast track

on the end of the world. But let's hope that that isn't... Does he talk about Donald the Donald? He loves Donald Trump. No. He doesn't love him. What did he call him, Sarah? Frank's asking the producer I'm doing the subtitles here

Frank asks, the producer leans over to him Oh, I can't remember It was some word like It was a rude word maybe No, no, not rude It's gone If they're going to employ a 60-year-old I think Absolute only employ 60-year-old presenters

so that I'll forget the names of stuff and then they'll get loads of 50 pence a time text coming in correcting me. Nice conspiracy theory. It's a money-spinning way of using the elderly. At last there's hope for us. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner FM Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us today You can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website That's www slash http Or you can write to us That's www.http. Or you can write to us. What about in the days when you wrote to people? I used to write to a swap shop.

I'd love to get a letter. If we got a letter, Sarah, I'm asking the... If we got a letter, where would it... What would happen? Do we have a pigeon hole? We get them sometimes. Turns out we've got a pigeon hole. Absolute radio. One golden square. Yeah. We get them sometimes. Turns out we've got a pigeonhole. Absolute radio. One golden

square. London. You can send it via snail mail. Oh yeah. I only found out that existed last week, of course. Yes. One golden square. What's the postcode? W1F for Foxtrot. W1F for

Foxtrot. 9DJ. 9DJ. 9DJ. Oh, DJ! Nice. Can you pick your own person? DJ! It's a new thing. It used to be number plates, and now it's postcodes.

Well, maybe, yeah. How interesting. I wonder if there's like 10 Downing Streets, like SW1 1MP. It might be back in the Chris Evans days. He might have bought that for me. Mine is NW3COM1CO-N-1-C. Don't tell people.

No, not really. I'm not going to tell people that. Mine's D-I-V-A. Very good. There you go. So, um... Steve Hall. Mine's L-O-S-E-R.

No, Steve. No. No. You've jumped on my gag. No, not really. So, obviously, I'm always delighted to be here because it means that either Alan or Gareth is here. Well, it sounds like you're delighted to be anywhere you get paid.

Don't admire your last remark. Yeah, yeah. You're actually doing very well, Steve. I was one of these eccentric millionaires. Yeah. actually doing very well steve i was one of these eccentric millionaires yeah i am so i have to i i hadn't i had a proper idiotic eureka moment now let me explain to any new readers that um idiotic eureka moments like last week i said it's when you realize something very very late in the day that you should have got ages ago like i, I very recently worked out that cannon and ball

is the sort of pawn on that common juxtaposition of the cannon and then the ball. And moi aussi. By the way of ammunition. Moi aussi. Me also, as the French say. Because I didn't know that either.

We'd actually had another one. Mike from Harrogate. No, I'm getting the drinks in. Oh, that either, Frank. No, anyway, what's yours? Well, we'd actually had another one, Mike from Harrogate. No, I'm getting the drinks in. Oh, that's a first. Mike from Harrogate had never realised that brunch is an amalgam of breakfast and lunch. That. He said that his family have been humiliating him for it. That's a deal breaker.

That is a cracker. I'd find that, I'd struggle if that was my part. But my one, I'm not sure if this is... Cannon and ball is pretty obvious once you know it. Yeah, it's true. I'm not sure if this is a valid idiotic eureka moment or not. My wife told me that I have been possibly misunderstanding... We don't have a jingle for this.

We should get an idiotic eureka moment. Yeah. Yeah, boss. This will do. So my wife told me that the joke, why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other side, is actually about the afterlife. Rather than it being an anti-joke,

rather than it being that it is rather than it being an anti-joke rather than it being oh that that it's it's a joke that the chicken has decided to end it all to see what's what lies beyond oh i see and why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other side because obviously the first thing that will happen to the chicken is some kind of splatting incident with a vehicle. Yes. And so that joke, which I've... And that blew my mind. Well, there are many things here. OK. I don't think it's up there with Cannon and Ball. Well, yeah, I mean, I wouldn't dare.

I wouldn't dare. No, but because the idea is it's blatantly obvious. Well, that's the thing. But it was being presented to me as if it was blatantly obvious. So I was thinking, have I been a ruddy fool? No, you haven't been a ruddy fool. It's quite a weird existential thing. I've never heard of that before.

I like the idea of it. I like an analytical approach to life. Yeah. It could be true, I suppose. I think it's quite... See, I don't think it's an anti-joke. I think it's quite a good joke. Why did the chicken cross the road?

You think of a million and one reasons associated with chickendom, and then he just wants to cross over like everybody else. I find it quite a depressing joke. Do you? Yeah. I feel really depressed when people say it. Had you heard it before, Steve?

Said it then? Oh, you knew it? Oh, OK. Do you think we've got any listeners who thought, hey, that's a good joke. I'm going to try it at the pub tonight. There are good variants. Now that's an idiotic Eureka moment.

Has anyone not heard, why did the chicken cross the road? Oh, come on, Frank. What about my dog's got no nose? How does it smell? Terrible. Is there people at home who think, hey! So the problem with that joke,

you need an associate. Yeah, yeah. You need someone who's going to say, how does it smell? Yeah, boss, I'll say that. Yeah. You're unveiling your new character. Well, this is my new character,

which is when I'm like the henchman for the mafia boss. Yes. Frank Sharon Baker got £2,500 back from PPI. Wow. Wow. But is she real or is she a PPI-replanned company? Well, this is what's worrying me now. We are sounding like deacons now.

Yeah. Has she been in any car accidents she's got money for? What about if you had that double whammy on your way to the PPI place and you was in a car crash? Double whammy. Oh, wow. Wow. Can I say don't get in a car crash? Why did the chicken cross the road to stage an insurance job to pretend to be hit by a car? Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was on its way to the PPI.

What about that? Do they insure animals, PPI? No. They should insure body parts. You think animals? Well, I don't think they exist anymore, PPI. That's the point. No.

I'm sorry, I've just gone into it. I forgot I hadn't pressed the music button. I'm just having the ordinary conversation with you in between the point. No. I'm sorry, I've just gone into it. I forgot I hadn't pressed the music button. I'm just having the ordinary conversation with you in between the songs. Oh, dear, it's all gone a bit Capital Radio. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've just had an excellent idiotic eureka moment.

They've not given a name. They said, my sister and I both thought a man was going to a place specifically called Mower Meadow. Not to Mower Meadow. It could have been named after Patrick Mower, the popular actor from the 1970s. Mower Meadow. Oh, yeah, I work with him, Frank.

Oh, yeah. I forgot who Patrick Mower is. Patrick Mower sounds like someone from Birmingham saying Patrick Moore. Mower. Possibly not. Have I besmirched Birmingham? No, no, no. You just get on with it.

So on last week's show, we discovered that a man in an advert you enjoy is an old mate of mine from the comedy circuit, Rob Tofield. I didn't know he was an old mate. I think you're building your partner, you know. I think he's a brilliant actor. You think I'm going to hire him for something and think, well, I might as well bring his mate along.

Some sort, I don't know. Often when they transport a thoroughbred horse, they take a donkey and they keep it as stable as company. What if I'm your donkey, Frank? Oh, no. I'd be happy to be your donkey. What a lovely stable. You can be my donkey.

I'll be your thoroughbred racehorse. Elvis Presley there with You Can Be My Donkey here on Absolute Gold. I think he might have been strung out when he sung Mountain On. Anyway, Steve. So my friend Rob, my best friend Rob,

listened to the show and has crafted a very funny video in response to... Well, I've just watched a bit, because I didn't know about this, and Steve has showed me this video. Basically, what I said, this guy, I don't think he says anything in the advert, but he does one look having won on online betting and bear in mind this is a desolate situation of a coach driver standing by his coach

in a deserted football ground car park as the game goes on behind the walls. And he just does a great look and I just know he's a brilliant actor from that one look. I just know. You can tell he's a brilliant actor. But I did point out the fact that he was...

We're all over him now. He was retoned as well. Yeah. That came up. That cropped up in the conversation. Once or twice. Yeah. He's a big lad.

So I didn't get to the end of it because the last record was shorter than the video. But it was... I think it was a very funny video, but I did find myself feeling bad about it. Did you? So it's had a double whammy effect. It's made him look like a clever, self-deprecating, funny bloke

whilst inflicting some punishment on me. On the bullies. I think all the things that make him a good actor in that advert are in that video that he's made, because it's just really small, a couple of really nice looks. There's a twinkle to it, so I don't think he feels too bad. The donkey's talking him up. It's like Shrek.

That's the combo, isn't it? It's as it dawns on him. I'm the voice of Eddie Murphy. I'm like the princess. I've seen what's good in the ogre-like. And I have to put up with donkey. Who am I? Lord Farquhar? I think you might be Lord Farquhar.

You take your heels off for a second. Imagine if that was my look at Luco-like. Oh, who is a Lord Farqu for i think simon cowell's got a bit of a lot look alike i think that's right bit of roger reese google it young people oh roger reese yeah nicholas nickelby yeah very good thank you oh i saw him at stratford in um i think it was 1980 i saw him at uh one of my parents' dinner parties. Did you? I didn't see him at any of my parents' dinner parties. For two reasons. One, they didn't know any actors,

and two, they never had dinner parties. In fact, we didn't always have dinner. I'll be straight with you. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're all familiar with the work of Mariah Carey on this show. Oh, yes. I mean, Frank actually incorporates one of her phrases as his sign-off.

Yeah, anyone who listens to... You might catch the end of this show when you're waiting for the next person to come on. And I always end the show by saying, bring on the feathers. That is a reference to, I think it was a New Year's Eve gig. In Times Square, yeah. In Times Square gig that Mariah Carey did, which went so badly.

I think technically as much as anything else. Everything. At the end, she just went, bring on the feathers. And they brought on these big fans. And she did one of those big showbiz. It was a sort of exasperated last resort instruction, wasn't it? I mean, I can't explain it every week, so there must be people who think...

But they probably think it's a reference to former Secretary General of the Trade Union Congress, Vic Feather, that I'm going to bring his family on. Undoubtedly, I would say. Yeah, but they all think, oh, Vic Feather and his family are coming on, bringing on the Feathers. I wonder what he's got to say about the modern situation. Yeah, but they all think, Vic Feather and his family are coming on, bring on the Feathers. I wonder what he's got to say about the modern situation. Yeah. Long dead, I fear, Vic Feather.

He was once the subject of a topical gag on Are You Being Served? Wow. Vic Feather. Which is, in a way, the ultimate accolade. I love that. That's up there with my other things I never thought I'd hear on the show this morning.

Those are often my favourite moments. So, Mariah or Mimi... Can I ask you a question? Who are the superstar trijunian leaders of the 21st century? Because there was Eric... What was his name, Frank? Eric Heffer went on to be a Labour. No, there was another one. Bob Crowe? I think he's no longer with us, I believe.

He's no longer with us. When I was growing up, trade union leaders were quite important figures on the telly. Was it Eric Hall? Jack Jones. Not Eric Heffer. Eric Hall? Was there an Eric Hall? Eric Hall was a football agent. I'm going to remember. There was a Scouse Eric someone.

Anyway. Anyway, this is boring. However, what isn't is that... If only more radio shows had fessed off to that. Well, I self-critique. No, I think it's a good thing. I stop myself mid-flow. So many links when people just say what the time is

and what they're going to play next. Just stop yourself. Sorry, I know anyone could do this. It was a self-aware moment, Frank. No, what I was saying was boring, so I'm moving on to something more interesting. But if you're just going to do the weather and the time and what's on next, don't they ever stop and say,

why am I here? Why am I even here? Anyway, sorry. This is boring. It's not my business. I don't want to put anyone out of work. Mariah, nicknamed Mimi, she had an album, The Emancipation

of Mimi. Oh, did she? Yes, I remember that. I imagine she's very me, me. It's her sort of Jean Valjean moment. And she had, there's been a few rumblings on the socials about her recently,

just about her lack of enthusiasm with performances. She's in the middle of a world tour, she's got a Las Vegas residency, and she performed her song Honey, which I know you two will be familiar with. Oh, yeah. And have you seen the video for Honey? Well, I saw a dance sequence with Mariah. Yeah. sailors yeah well yes there were sailors involved at first

i thought they were medical people because there's a bit you know there's a there's a time on a tradition in um in show business uh with with a sort of diva is that at one point she's raised up and carried by a lot of muscular young men. Like she's on a chaise longue. This looked like, you know when you see the elderly being rescued from flooding? It was like she was lifted up and not knowing quite where she was. I mean, there was no sense of dance or performance or look at me. There was nothing.

She was just being picked off and she was being moved. It was a removals job. It was if you had a house where someone you had there was Mariah Carey, it was the blokes coming in and me saying, watch your head against the doorway. It was like that. She just hadn't joined in at all with the whole lifting, smiling, dancing process.

And that saddened me, to be honest, I must say. Yeah. I think Mariah Carey, I call her Me No Carey. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So we were talking about Mariah Carey's lack of effort. This had passed me by at the time, so I was watching it for the first time the other day,

and it is staggering. I mean, well, she is staggering. Yeah. Well, it was a physical animation of You know, like, you sometimes see, I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but I have, when a record company executive is sent some music, you sometimes see it in films as well, and they're hearing a track for the first time

in an office environment. Yeah. And they just sort of nod their head and tap the desk. It was that level of effort. I didn't think there was that much effort. I honestly thought there was less. When I first, me and David Baddiel first played Three Lions to Terry Venables, the then manager of England,

and he tapped his car keys on the thing as he listened and then said to me, it's a real key tapper, which I think was a new word. I'm not sure that's a thing, is it? Key tapping. I am not exaggerating. I honestly think that he gave it more than she did. If she's got a long residency, that makes a bit of sense.

If she's on a Las Vegas every night for weeks, she's probably just got bored. But you're not allowed to get bored. But also, when they carry her, sometimes she has an actual chaise longue. She didn't in that instance that they put her on. I've seen those. I've gone quite deep. But that was a bit like me on the sofa, I felt.

You know when you slump down at the end of the day and you think, oh, I'm knackered. That's what it was like. There was also a shot of her singing where, I don't know if she forgot, but she started whistling instead. Now, I love a bit of her singing where, I don't know if she forgot, but she started whistling instead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, I love a bit of whistling in a song. I don't know Mariah Carey's back catalogue that well. I'd be surprised to find it's a thing she often does.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it's like, watching it, it reminded me of old episodes of Quantum Leap. Like, looking at her, it was like Sam Beckett had leapt into her body. Yeah. And there was always a little... What's the name of the man in Quantum Leap? Is it Sam Beckett? Yeah, yeah.

Played by? Played by Scott Bacula. Lovely. Okay. I've never seen Quantum Leap. He'd always, at the end of it, he'd leap into the body of someone new at the end of each episode. I used to live like that when I was on tour. Sorry, everyone.

Yeah. I mean, she's... The thing is with Mariah Carey, I mean, full respect to her, she's an enormous star. Careful. None of us are 22 anymore, dear. She's brilliant in that online betting advert. Imagine if she did that. Because I have worked with her. She's brilliant in that online betting advert on Sky.

Imagine if she did that. Because I have worked with her. All right, Mariah Mundo. You'll remember, I married Mariah Carey. Imagine Mariah Carey. Did I get PPR.com? I'd love it if she did that. Did you know I married Mariah Carey? I did not know.

Did you? Yes, I played the part of a vicar on SNTV. I do remember that. And she married... With Ant and Dick, yeah. She married Dick McPartlin and I conducted the service. But, you know, she didn't turn up to rehearsal, but I think that's because she didn't want to be around us very long.

But she gave it everything. She tried. It was in the days when Mariah was Matriah. Matriah Carey, before she became Minokia. And she was very professional, as you expect from Americans. She turned up and she did it properly. So I'm glad I caught her in the golden age. And, Frank, she's named after a vehicle that I mourn,

because you never really see it anymore. What, the Black Mariah? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if I ever saw one. I knew it. In case you don't know, it was like the police van that used to collect, like, rowdies. You sometimes see it on old footage.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I don't think she was named after the... Do you think not? A British police vehicle associated with crime and disturbance. And her friend Paddy Wagon. Seems unlikely. Yeah.

Well, it's sad that it's come to this, for Mariah Carey. I have little sympathy, I must say. Well, nor does her choreographer, and we'll get on to what he said. Yeah, exactly. Choreographer news, next. choreographer and we'll get on to what he said yeah exactly choreographer news next this is frank skinner absolute radio so anthony burrell who i believe is mariah's choreographer oh okay also the name of a rather fabulous artist is? Do you know those posters which are work hard and be nice to people, I believe? He does those.

Oh, I've got one of those. She violates both those instructions. As far as I'm aware. Exactly. His name is also Anthony Burrell. Anyway, the point is, this Anthony Burrell, this choreographer, is not happy. He's been fired.

Yes, I think he was fired after the debacle that led to bring on the feathers yeah i love how much knowledge you have yes exactly do you think he's ever heard of um former general secretary of the tritonians congress vic, this choreographer. I'm so certain he hasn't heard of him. He described this behaviour as typical Mariah. When she doesn't want to do something, she doesn't do it. And he does acknowledge, he said, it's taking away her star. This behaviour. What do you think of that concept, guys?

I like the idea of taking away her star. Like he's a teacher. Yeah, but it's her star. If you imagine her star, it's sort of deteriorating around the edges and getting smaller. Yeah. And I'd like to see Mariah's small star. Because I think that would teach her a lesson.

Because I have no tolerance teach her a lesson. Because I'm, I'm, I have no tolerance for this kind of thing. If you sign up to a long run of gigs, you do a long run of gigs. If you don't want to do them, don't sign up. It's a general lack of commitment. She's one of the most famous people

whose songs I don't know. I'd put her there as well. She's, you know when they have reality stars? She's what I call one of my really stars. So people say, you know she's one of the biggest selling artists of all time? And I say, really? Yeah, I know nothing.

I could not name a Mariah Carey song. But I know she's an enormous star. But it's happened over there somewhere yeah no no no no it happens over here no no when i say over there i mean metaphorically somewhere that isn't my life i thought you were like a 70s man talking about america america no oh there's the right the whole mariah carey phenomenon has happened over there wherever there is yes it's like and so when when she's famously a diva, why? I don't understand

what she'd done to deserve being like a diva. Oh, I see. Well, I suppose, look, all I would say in her defence... That was very Simon Cowell. Well, look. Look. Well, look, all I would say in her defence is that I respect the fact that

she's not going the way of the majority of these stars, Madonna, etc., which is the older I get, the more kind of desperately agile I'm going to get. I'm going to prove to everyone and show them how fit I am. And I just like she's not going down the Iggy Pop route because you can end up looking a bit like that. And she just thought, no, I want to go to the I Have Given Up shop, clothes-wise. Madonna and Iggy Pop essentially ended up with the same body. Yeah, essentially. And they look like a William Blake painting, both of them.

All the tendons are there on the outside. They're like the Pompidou centre. This is the choice you have as a woman. It gets harder as you get older. Do I want to look like Iggy Pop or Mariah? I'm going to go Mariah. Well, it's not just women. Yeah, this is true.

or Mariah. Well, it's not just women. Yeah, this is true. But, well, I don't mind her growing old naturally. Gracefully, yeah. But that's no excuse. I've known some great big dancers. I was at the Grand Ole Opry in Glasgow. Extraordinary.

And they played Achy Breaky Heart and three women got up. And how do you say this now? They were big women. Yeah, they loved their curves. I read a book about Samuel Taylor Coleridge and he was on a voyage with a big woman and he says she's a woman who would have wanted elbow room on Salisbury Plain. Wow.

And they were like that. And they were the most beautiful, delicate dancers. I mean, lovely, so there's no excuse. She can't use that, I'm afraid. OK, OK. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Have you ever done a thing where you've tried as palpably poorly as she did? Have you ever phoned it in? Never.

Really? Never. I don't have that in my game. I would say that's true of you. If I get in a lift with three people, I need at least one good laugh before I can get out. I'd say that's true of you. I'll just go up and down there all day until I get that laugh. Well, sometimes, if I'm at Frank's,

and he might go up to do a bit of work upstairs, and even then, he tries to leave on a laugh, if it's just me and Kathy, and I think, no, he's going to come back in because he'll want to get that laugh a bit better. I just think, I hate the idea of the bare minimum thing. It's horrible. Yeah.

Why, Steve? Got someone to own up to? No, I haven't had a sleep of it. I know what I mean, but I adopt that approach to things like domestic tasks, for example. Oh, well, that's all right. I mean, gardening, I did a bare minimum.

Do you do bare minimum? I mow the lawn the lawn okay i'll tell you what i've what i've done is i've adopted an approach to weeds which is i don't know i don't know whether i did this for bad but my approach to weeds is you know some of them are quite beautiful they're as good as the flower if you leave them and let them fully develop they look pretty good so that's how I've got round it no that's not the way I thought that is a bit me no caring

you're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio want your Frank fix a little sooner? listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show for the Absolute Radio website. Frank, what about 865? Hi Frank, it may be jackdaws or crows who drop the shoe in your garden. A local family of jackdaws have dropped cigarette butts and a large

piece of dyed red cut hair in our garden. Are you sure that's not goths hanging out in your garden? That sounds like a worry, doesn't it? That's from Terry. We have got a magpie nest I told you about. And it is a sparkly shoe. That never occurred to me.

Could a magpie carry a woman's grown-up shoe? They can carry all sorts. I know. Yeah. If those dancers in Las Vegas can... Well, anyway. She married... One thing I do know about Mariah,

and now I'll probably find I'm wrong, because often the one thing I know about people turns out to be incorrect, but she married the head of Sony Music. Tommy Mottolo, yeah. That is a sort of belt and braces approach to success, isn't it? Be very talented and also marry the head of Sony Music. Well, I think she was his discovery.

Okay. Did it turn out well? No. Well, she had to write an album called The Emancipation of Mimi. I mean, you don't want your ex releasing that album. That doesn't say good things. Is it Mimi as in me, me? Yeah.

Because I feel that has been truly emancipating and released into the wild. Or is me, me, is a fictional character? Is it like Sergeant Pepper? Me, me. I think it's her nickname. Oh, I wonder why. Yeah, there you go.

Okay. Fascinating. Anyway. Yes. God bless her, that's what I say. And she's not the only person in the news for not trying very hard this week Oh yeah I don't know if you saw Simon McCoy

Yes And his piece on surfing dogs It's been good for him Simon McCoy is, I watch that BBC 24 hour news thing Oh do you? Basically if Sky News dips I think I'll go to BBC News

Sky News always looks like they've got the light they've put more money in the meter it looks a bit brighter and more interesting That's because they need lots of lights on Cape Early Yeah 24 hour What about when someone on one of those 24 hour news is, the BBC was watching a Rudy show, did you see that this week?

Yes. Is that wrong? Someone had a Rudy show on on one of the TV screens. I don't want to be more explicit. It was Anna Paquin in a vampire programme that she does. You could see everything. On the news? They were butt naked.

They were naked. Oh, no, I don't want that on the news. No. Well, it wouldn't have happened on the BBC. Was that on Sky? No, it was on the BBC. On the BBC, it's a bit like going to a library. Yeah.

That's the feeling of it. It's good, and you're going to find stuff out, but it is like a library. Yeah, yeah. So I'd seen him many times, but I didn't know his name, Simon McCorkindale. And then he introduced a clip, but it was a feature about a surfing competition for dogs.

Yes. It was what I believe they call B-roll footage. So they would have just bought that in from some agency, wouldn't they? And just ran it as a story. Yeah. I, personally, I thought the sight of dogs on surfboards was remarkable. Yeah. But he was derisory, it has to say.

Yes. He said, he started it with saying, just bear in mind, it is August. And it's, because it's a proper silly season story. That's as close as they get to a time check on BBC News. It's like romance. It moves so slowly, you just get the month. Apparently in other countries,

obviously not everyone calls it silly season. So they call it silly season in America. But apparently in Holland, they refer to it as cucumber time. Oh, OK. I'm glad you told me that. Is it silly season, though? If I was in a club in Amsterdam and someone said, right, it's cucumber time, I'd be terrified.

Also, I'm not sure it is silly season. We're on the brink of nuclear destruction. I don't call that silly season. Well, there's many variations of dark and shade in silly season. But that's at one end, and the dogs on the surfboards are at the other,

which I'd rather watch on the news. What about when he has to say, this does not look like a walk in the park? Someone's written a pun for him, and he's absolutely furious. It's the bit at the end where he just goes, that's a shame, we've run out of pictures. Yeah, but I've got to say,

who does he think he is? They have one job, unless you count reading out loud as a job, they have one job, news readers, and that's reading in the correct tone to fit the story. So if it's a disaster, they say it like this.

If the economy's gone up, then they lighten it. That's it. That's the skill. The whole skill. Other than that, they are sitting down, reading out loud. And he couldn't, he wasn't prepared to play the game. It's his Mariah all over again. Well, he's quite a maverick.

He's got form with this as well. Has he? A lot of the famous things, he's at the centre of. So when Thomas Schaffenecker, the weatherman, flipped the rod... Oh, yeah. ..that was in response to Simon McCoy. Simon McCoy was giving him a slightly sarcastic build-up.

He's a troublemaker. He is. Olly Murs. Before the birth of one of the royal babies, they had him stationed outside the Lindo wing. Oh, yeah. And it was Simon McCoy doing, like, well, there is no news,

and being incredibly sarcastic. Of course he's still employed, this man. He's an absolute maverick. The real McCoy, I'm calling him. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 523 has texted with another Simon McCoy example. Simon McCoy was also the man who stood reading the headlines

with a stack of A4 paper instead of an iPad. Oh, we did that show on our... We did that show? We did that show on our... We did that show? We did that show on our Frank. Um, what? What do you mean? Well, I got my words the wrong way around, so I decided to make a virtue of it and continue. I remember, what was...

We featured that story on our show. Oh, yeah, that's his. I forgot we had a show. He was going old school, wasn't he? He was making a deal. What they should do is get him to do a feature, to introduce a feature about Mariah Carey, not bothering anymore. And just see if he thinks, hold on a minute.

Yeah. Get her on as a guest. That's going to be the most laid back piece of television. But is he trying to be a sort of self-styled colourful character? Copyright Frank Skinner? I think so, because he also pre-election, he

interviewed a Tory MP and they were doing the strong and stable thing and he had a go at them. He had quite a entertaining pop at them for that. It sounds like you're reading a script here, you're all saying strong and stable all the time. I can't work out whether you're pro or anti-McCoy, Steve. I'm just fascinated by him.

Because Paxman did it for all. There was when Paxman had to do the weather on Newsnight. Yes, I remember that. What I'm concerned about is, are we going to get a video from him this week? How? With his featuring his reaction to hearing this.

Are we just going to get this every week? Yeah, or him just being picked up by the sailors. I think we can safely say he won't be bothered. He, um... I don't know. I mean, he wants to be careful. They could replace him with a female newsreader and save quite a lot of money. Oh! Hey, come on!

I have often thought that the news, what it needs more than anything, is a live studio audience. It's not appropriate, Frank. I think it would be fine, because when you've got stories like that, you'd work out whether they were worth doing or not from the response.

And I think, you know, the, oh, no's and all that in the sad stories would really pump up the emotion. And also, you could have things like, shall we drop the serial killer story? It didn't go that well at Six O'Clock. Would they have, like, rounds of applause? So, shall we drop the serial killer story? It didn't go that well at six o'clock. Well, they have, like, rounds of applause, like when the Fonz would walk in,

and there'd be a round of applause. So if it was something, like a hero, if Nelson Mandela was mentioned, everyone would go, eh! Or if they talked about the war, people would go, whoa! And then they'd say, Donald Trump, and you'd get some people cheering,

some people boo, and... And could you have a... People going, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. And also a sort of gladiator... Well, this would be a bit sick. But I was going to suggest the gladiator style, another one bites the dust. But that's not very nice. No, maybe not.

No, but you could... Every time a famous person dies. Yes, for the obituary section. And we'll cut to people with foam rubber hands in there. And then they'd have to be a warm-up man for the news as well. What you could give them is foam rubber sides like the Grim Reaper. So if a celebrity dies... Yeah.

Oh, no. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, I was hoping to speak to Emily for some fashion advice. Sure. Well, it's not before time. I thought you'd never ask, Steve.

Well, I've seen... It's been covered by a few of the news outlets. A fascinating development in the jeans world. A new jean with a zip that runs front and back and underneath i don't like the way you say and underneath yeah i didn't mean to make it sound quite so it's the jeans that so they they start so you would start on doing your zip right at the top of your waistband yes at the front which again is quite radical yeah so it goes right to the top. Yes. And it goes down, down, underneath. Down, down. Down Pyrenean Way.

And it goes right the way round. Not without an engagement ring. Yeah. As I call it, that area. Well, you could put that on the zip. My little special name for that place. And then round. And then it comes right up and it unzips right at the back of the waistband.

Yeah. So you can separate the two legs completely if you want. I mean, this all came too late for Long John Silver. It's essentially a magnet shape, isn't it, really? It's a U shape,

really. And for a Zeebibby, once you've completed unzipping it, both jeans just collapse to the floor. Would you call that both jeans? Yeah, well, when jeans just collapsed to the floor. Would you do that? Both jeans. Yeah, well... When a tree falls in the forest. It's made me think... Oh, that hasn't happened for years. It's made me think for the first time

that is jeans, is that a plural? See, I thought of jeans as a single thing. Right. But you do say a pair of jeans, which suggests that each half of it is a je thing. Right. But you do say a pair of jeans, which suggests that each half of it is a jean. Yeah. Yes? Sorry to sound like Simon McCoy.

I just put my hand up. In fashion, I'm not in fashion, but I'm still of fashion. Do you understand? So in fashion, of fashion, we would still refer to it as singular jean. Frank has a lovely jean. All right. You could dress that up with a jean. refer to it as singular jean. Frank has a lovely jean. All right.

You could dress that up with a jean. Yeah, we love a jean. And so these new clothes are jean splicing, effectively. Yeah. I mean, I should say. Like they do with used cars when they put two... Cut and... What is it called? Cut and shut.

Cut and shut. Of course, it would be quite handy if... Say if you fell over and just damaged one leg. Fell over. Nobody wants to walk around with ripped jeans. That would look terrible. So you don't have to buy a whole new pair of jeans. Just one leg.

Just replace that one leg. Well, I... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean, we should say these jeans, the first jeans were by this... Are you familiar with Vetements? I'm not. Vetements? Yeah.

I like it. I like any French word that absolutely spits in the face of consonants. Vetements. Which means clothing in French. I'm unhappy with the vet. Can we drop the ve? Vetements is clothing in French. And'm unhappy with the vet. Can we drop the ve? Vetement is clothing in French. Et hop.

And vetement. Is that my car? The clowns have arrived. Et hop. Et hop. The glitter horn is going. Oh. And, uh...

Not anymore. I think he's learned his lesson. Have a break there, shall we? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about French fashion house Vetements

and these jeans. And Vetements is a... Jean. The jean. Yeah, you're right, Frank. I'm just speaking like you people. Would you buy a trouser? Absolutely. Oh, OK.

A trouser. Absolutely. Trousers. Unless I'm buying them through the Sunday Express at the back pages, it's a trouser. Oh, then it's slacks. Yeah, with elasticated waistband. Is it a pant?

It's never a pant. Oh, look, let's just stop it now. No one says pant. I want to buy an underpant. No one wears a pant suit in this day and age. Anyway, Vetements. Frank? Yeah, I'm listening.

No, you didn't do your horn. Oh, no, I'm trying not to drive anyone mad. Stop doing that. I want to hear what's happening with Vetements. They're a Parisian design collective and they're very well known for their quite ironic streetwear but hugely expensive.

For example, they popularised a t-shirt which was a DHL. It was yellow and it had the DHL logo on it. What is DHL? I should know that. It's a delivery firm. Yes, of course. So they're very into things like that, or they'll have a shirt and it will say staff,

and it will be £1,000 or something. Right. So it's that sort of look. Actually, the creative director, who's now at Balenciaga, he had a bag, you know the blue IKEA bag? Sure. There was one of those he had, which was about £1,300. Wow.

Wow. So their job... That's the landscape. Shut my mouth. I'm just giving's the landscape. Shut my mouth. I'm just giving you the landscape. They design terrible clothes and sell it for lots of money. I think I could do this job. I don't think we should say they design terrible clothes.

I don't think we should either. Stop being such a basic bloke. They're designing clothes with a twinkle. Yeah. They're ironic clothes. Which I find very handy. Ironic clothes. It's irony wear.

they're ironic clothes it's irony wear what worries me about this whole set up of the zip that goes all the way is the slider as I believe they call it on a zip the bit you know with the little metal bit that holds the teeth together that goes up and down

once it's given this kind of free range I'm worrying about the sort of debris it's going to be bringing back and forth for the slider. I don't want this. You know, once I've been... Goodness, say. Once the slider's

coming back round the front, I'm thinking, you know what, slider? Just stay back there. If you're going to go back there, stay back there. Well, you know what I would say? Why the hatred for the waistband? I find the waistband a necessary ramp onto my torso. Oh, interesting.

Well, it's just on a basic health and safety level, there's a danger you'll zippity some kind of doodah if you're not careful. Well, I like the idea of increasing the catchment error of things you can get caught in your zip. It used to be pretty monothematic what you got caught in your zip.

For you, maybe. But now, I can get all sorts of stuff round the rear of the building. The hatchback. Yeah. I find it's a bit Christina Aguilera as well.

It has got that feel. Of course, the woman I saw modelling them is, you know, inevitably the sort of woman who would look good in any kind... Iggy Pop. Any jean. Yeah. That was what she was called, I think. Like Lou Ferrigno would have used them.

She would have been Ferrino. Is it Ferrino? I don't know. Let's call the whole thing Hulk. Well, all we know about him is, what did he always have intact, Frank? His waistband, regardless. And yet the way his trousers were,

they had a raggedy bottom. It's just never clearer they got raggedy. It looked like the bottom part of his trousers had been in a small explosion in Rent-A-Ghost and the waistband was intacto I think the lower trouser was done by the wardrobe person from Rent-A-Ghost

explosions expert in brackets and that's how the Hulk ended up God bless him, though. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. 398 has said, Gene splicing. Nice work. Oh.

Did someone say gene splicing? I said gene splicing. Well done. In reference to the genes, obviously, but gene splicing is not a molecular biology thing. We've just read our praise. I'm sorry about that. Well done. I don't know anything about science, so I didn't get it.

I don't even know gene splicing. No, you've said gene splicing. Oh, I do. Do you know what I mean? Even I do. I think I'm into school with gene splicing. There's been some debate about what they should call these genes. I don't know if gene splicing is necessarily a good some debate about what they should call these jeans.

I don't know if jean splicing is necessarily a good brand name. No, I think that I like it. Jean splicing, OK. That's it then, everyone. OK, goodnight then. Because they've been described as the apocalypse of jeans. I don't quite get that. Well, just the idea that we've had the had the distress jeans you've even got perspex wind perspex windows in the knee and they look like your knees are in quarantine yes yes well they

look like your knees have recreated you know the bit at the end of et where the uh the government scientists are looking at et it's like your knees are wearing hazard suits i think the fashion commentator who said that yes yes, they have commentators, I think it's the suggestion that things have gone too far now. Let's call it off. The jean is ceasing to exist as a garment. I think these are much less extreme than ripped jeans, which we accept as the norm.

Yeah. You can't buy in jeans in taxo these days. They've just picked up the zip faster and they're wrong with it. I like that. I think because the whole thing now is happening underneath with the zip, they should be called subnajeans. Very nice. I worry, Frank...

Or maybe the bottom line, as that is what they follow. I think as they combine to make a whole dress, they could be called a complete waste. Lovely. I don't know if you'd get that through a meeting. No. Shall we call them a complete waste? It's no make like a banana, which is what I call them.

If you've got the Fugees to sponsor them, you could call them My Cleft Gene. Like, why cleft, John? That's where I've gone on a lot. Wow. Wow. I admire your work there. I didn't think I could land that fish.

I don't think I have. I worry about the zip in the waistband area. If you've had three dinners, for example, if you're a little bit on the obelisk side... What you want is a lice. Yeah. There you go. So you can wear it slightly a lace. Yeah, lace. There you go. So you can wear it slightly ajar.

Yeah. Exactly. You've got to be a bit careful. You wanted to get Rob Tofield to advertise these jeans. Exactly. Yeah. I can't even think of Rob Tofield alone in his room listening to me. Talking about it.

I feel awful about it. Oh, Frank. Well, I'm just scared that we live in the age of the pervert and the prankster for these genes. And that's the danger is if you're in public. Yes, that's the age we live in. Oh, I thought it was the dawning of the age of Aquarius. This is the

dawning of the age of the pervert. Oh, please. It's breakfast radio. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. At the moment, they only make them for women. Yeah. Which is, you know, I mean, thank you. It's all right for them.

If they make a men's version and it puts us up to one of my pet hates, which is the urinal unbuckler. Then I'll be glad. With these characters, does the buckle just hang down? But what they do, they come and undo their whole trouser. Yeah. There's no need for it. The whole idea of the flyhole is for all that.

But they unbuckle it. Why? Do they? Like, oh no, there's not going to be enough room here. It really winds me off. I don't want to see swinging belt buckles. It's a bit Jacob Marley as well with the clanking chain.

That's why I hate a button fly for that reason. There's too much admin involved. Many years ago, I got a gift, Steve, from the people on the radio show and it was too much admin involved. Many years ago, I got a gift, Steve, from the people on the radio show, and it was a bowling ball bag. And it had exactly the same zip, a zip that went right the way round, underneath the ball, and came up just by the finger holes. And how funny that if I'd have known then what I know now, I could have met a small fortune. Is this a hint?

It's been passed a note that says, shot up by the producer. OK, so thank you so much for listening today. It's been, as ever, a great pleasure. What can I say? Bring on Vic Feather. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Bring on Vic Feather.