The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Jerkin

Episode Date: November 21, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has had an unusual wakeup call and was fooled by Buzz. The team discuss Murray's impromptu haircut, Harper Beckham's yawning and they ask the readers - what is a Donkey Jacket

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email us through the Absolute Radio website.

A lot of people are saying it's snowing on Twitter. Are they? And we're one of them. Yeah, I think it might already be stopping here. You know in London it does tend to snow for like 30 seconds. I love us talking about the weather at the moment. I like it.

I was driven in this morning. I don't mean with a talked about. I was driven in this morning. Yeah. I don't mean with a whip. I mean in a motor car. No. And we got talking about... I noticed there were some guys out in high Vs

and talking about when high Vs kicked in and who's making the money for high Vs. Because everyone wears it now. I saw someone selling flowers on a stall in the street and they had to wear high-vis in case I don't know what, in case

she walked into them on your way to work. We got talking about donkey jackets. Do you remember donkey jackets? Oh, I loved a donkey jacket. Yeah. And, in case you don't know, a donkey jacket was a sort of a black, sort of,

it's like felt it was made out of. I'm going to go minor strike here. Yeah. It was a minor strike element, yeah. Yeah. And it was the shoulders which distinguished it, because the shoulders were like black plastic. And I think that was in case you

you know, the image of the workman carrying stuff on his shoulder. It was the most fabulously poor quality fabric I've ever seen. Yes, I had one. Of course you did, darling. Everybody did. But what I said to the driver was, tell me, why were they called donkey jackets? Because they weren't. They definitely weren't

made from ass. No, I think you're right. Mine didn't have the cross on the back, for a start. I think Michael Foot owned one. No, Michael Foot didn't own one. Was that an urban myth? Michael Foot went to the Remembrance Festival in a duffel coat, which the press called a donkey jacket.

But why is it called a donkey jacket if anyone knows yeah i'd love to know why a donkey jacket is called the donkey jacket give my love to 1979 while you're at it well they must still be out there i bet there's people listening to these in a donkey jacket what about that that would be amazing camel coat those camel coats they're not are they i don't think they are, no. They've done a great job on the back, flattening that out. Yeah.

And monkey boots, they're definitely not. Do you remember those? No, they're real leather, they're not monkey. Monkey boots is what skinhead girls used to wear. Yes.

Skinhead escapes? I recently bought a pair for my wife as a gift. What, skinhead girls? Yeah, I bought her a pair of skinhead girls Wow It's an open relationship What a treat

Fantastic little check shirts, button down collars Yeah, yeah, why not, I thought Buzzcut I'll tell you what, you know we have a sort of a no praise policy on this show You do Can I say, it's not actually a no praise We do very much appreciate it when you say nice things. It's just I don't believe in reading them out.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because when I hear DJs reading out people saying nice stuff about... It just seems a bit weird. Mm. But something I've noticed, someone praised me this week. Well, good for you. It was in my diary.

Good for you. I got praised. And they said this thing now, and I can't say the full phrase. Well, go on. Why not? Is it rude? Well, it's got a word in it, which I'm not prepared to say on Breakfast Radio. But they say they begin their praise.

They begin the praise by saying, look, I don't want to blow smoke. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. Why do they do that? Because to me, everything that comes after that has been impaired by that little...

Frank. What? You can't criticise the praise you've been given. I know, but I don't but you know what I mean? It makes praise sound unhygienic. Yes. I don't want to blow... Is it to do with the smoking ban?

Is that what's come about? No. So it's, you know, it's an enclosed... You have to smoke in a private space. Yeah. Now, where has it come from, though? That expression. And don't you think it does undermine

what the nice thing that's about to be said? I just think it sounds revolting, and I don't like it. But you can't condemn them, because obviously I don't want to interrupt anyone at that stage, because I know where they're going. I know they're going to... I'll tell you what, though. You've come out of the blocks quick today

with two fantastic textings, may I say. Why? Why do we call them donkey jackets? And where did the phrase, I don't want to blow smoke, The etymology of a phrase that we can't actually say. Let's call it blowsmoke... Absolute crackers, they are. Well, we'll see what happens.

What about if they're from the same source? It's to do with there was this donkey that had some sort of stomach. Can I just say, I don't want to get you too excited, but I've got so much information already on the donkey jacket coming through. OK, hold, hold hard. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, we've had some great texts in, haven't we, Al, about donkey jackets.

OK. So Ian says, Morning Frank, is it because they were worn by people who'd done all the donkey work? Well, I wondered about that, if it was a donkey work reference. Seemed too straightforward.

These things are often, you know, you find out that Cervantes used to wear one and he wrote Don Quixote. It's usually more like that, that kind of complex thing. Yeah, people have guessed similar. The donkey jacket was first worn by Don Quixote when riding his horse and named after him. Paul from Nunhead has guessed.

Well, he did carry a big, long, like, a jousting thing. So if you're going to lean that on your shoulder, nice to have a bit of supportive plastic. Yeah, have the patch there. Dylan Taunton says, Hi, a donkey jacket was a typical jacket worn by dockers. In the old days, discharging and loading of cargo was done by the ship's equipment.

A small steam winch driving the ship's crane is called a donkey. Emily can't even read about industrial life. Can I tell you why I can't read about it? Because something weird happened with the page when I was reading it. It's called a donkey. Emily can't even read about industrial life. Can I tell you why I can't read about it? Because something weird happened with the page when I was reading it. It's called a donkey. That's where the name of the jacket donkey came in. Okay, so the thing is called a donkey

that lifts it up. Yeah. Do you remember that old joke about there's a kid and everyone calls him donkey at school and someone feels really sorry and they say, what's all that about? And he said, I don't know.

He always calls me that. It's the old ones, you see. You don't hear those ones anymore. They just want filth nowadays. Do they? Yes. This time I do. Hence my big house.

So I'll tell you what I've acquired. Yes. Now, don't just attack. Just listen. I've acquired a scooter. Oh. And I don't mean like what Phil Daniels was on in Quadrophenia. I mean a scooter.

I mean an adult scooter. Oh, God. I haven't bought it. I haven an adult scooter. Oh, God. I haven't bought it. I haven't bought it. What do you mean you've acquired it then? Well, at the end of a TV series, there's always a few props, unused props lying about. That's a very rude thing to say about Stato.

If I don't go in early, I know that the staff will be all over it like seagulls on a tip. So you stole it? I didn't. I got first dibs on that. I got first dibs. So I know I own an adult scooter, but I just wondered what you guys thought about me.

What do you honestly think we think? Well, I like to think that you guys... I mean, really. Here's what I like to think. I think most people, they say, oh, I saw some guy in a suit on a scooter. I like to think that you guys... Here's what I like to think. I think most people, they say, oh, I saw some guy in a suit on a scooter. I like to think we've got some original thinkers on this show who go the extra way and maybe don't think the same as everyone else. Don't time pressure us into thinking what we want us to think.

Pretty good, though. Not bad, though. Not bad. I've used that in the bedroom, that line of persuasiveness. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skiniveness. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, how's the scooter? Oh, yeah, the scooter. So, I obviously know I've got one. I'm starting to think, you know,

why not just fly in the face of that commonly held opinion that adults on scooters are? Well, you say that, but you know, why not just fly in the face of that commonly held opinion that adults on scooters are? Well, you say that, but you know scooters are enjoying something of a renaissance. They're very trendy amongst bearded hipsters. Are they? Yeah. Hello. I saw one.

I'll get one. I saw a very trendy bearded hipster the other day on one. The good thing, of course, is their trousers won't get caught in the wheel because they're about five inches up their calf. Yeah. And I was in my Benz, and I laughed. I won't lie. I thought we looked absolutely ridiculous.

OK, I don't mind looking ridiculous. To be honest, you get to a certain age where looking ridiculous is just part of life. Well, I'm concerned about your bloomin' tall back. I thought it might be good for that. I think it probably would, but I think what you should do is make a concerted effort to scoop pushing off with your right foot on the way to places and push off with your left foot on the way back so that you get an equal... Can I just say on that note of the Blumenthal back,

I went to the Fat Duck last week. Oh, yeah. I need to get personal about him. Oh, that's the name of his restaurant. No sign of Rumenthal. No. I think he saw me coming. I think he was hiding in the kitchen with a daddy saddle. Hopefully he's interaction somewhere. If there's any

justice in the world. I was having physiotherapy only yesterday morning. And has that worked that you can now scoot? Well, I can scoot with some discomfort. Right. Partly physical pain, partly embarrassment. I think I'd feel... Correct me if I'm wrong.

Would you not feel less embarrassed on a scooter than a Segway? Oh, yeah. I mean, Segways are awful. They're cigar smokers, aren't they, Segway people? See, the problem with the Segway is that they've spent a lot of money on looking like a Wally, whereas you got your scooter for free and no one's going to think it's a high-end expensive scooter. No, it doesn't look that flashy. It has got a silver glitter

platform, but you know. Lovely. How is my little pony? If you're going to make an omelette, the thing is it does, the way people have to stand on a Segway gives them a certain formality you look slightly grand slightly upright

which incidentally is the two popular times for piano grand and upright how about that that is weird they're a bit Simon Cowell the Segway aren't they yeah they are do you know what I mean

but couldn't you also see him on a scooter no okay that's more your bag love there's a thing that i used to i never learned to ride a bike so as a kid i the scooter was i had a triang scooter and um it was that was my form of transport we didn't have a car that was all i had and i developed this thing where i would stand on one leg on the scooter and put my other leg straight out behind me i'd like to see if i could still sit do that sort of a yoga pose well it was just um i thought it made me look more like i was going faster in some way yeah so one leg completely straight out at the back dynamic beautiful front row seats to that.

Oh, I'd love to try that out. Have you thought about learning to ride a bike instead? I mean, I know I'm speaking to an adult, but... Well, I had two bike lessons. I don't know if you remember this. I think I might have been doing the show when I had them. I remember the swimming lessons. It's like working with someone six,

isn't it? I know. He likes to better himself. Yes. So, anyway, I had two lessons, and I could actually, you know, get on it and ride it. Great. And then he said, well, next lesson we'll go on the road. Oh, right.

I just, I lost my nerve. Oh, OK. We could fix that, though. We could get you on the bike. Oh, I don't know. I see people on bikes now and think, wow, in London. He's hanging out for sport relief so that he can get a free good bike. That's what he's up to now.

So, you stick to the scooter? No, we'll see. I mean, I'm not against it. You're offering me lessons. Yeah, why not? That'd be brilliant. I imagine that was a very patient, sage-like teacher. Guess again.

No, this could be. No, I'm... Oh, I'd like you to teach me some things. Oh. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I don't know if I'll tell you about my incident on the scooter as a child?

No. I don't think so. I went... I was going down the road with my mum and I... Was she on a scooter? No. I let her go on ahead because she was... So I came down on my scooter, and the shops, they were downhill all the way,

so I could just ride on the scooter. I didn't need to put my foot down at all, which was great. So I was coming down, and I could see my mum up yonder, and she was just turning into one of the shops, and there was like a wall outside where they used to advertise newspapers, you know those things where they put them in them behind a sort of grid and she was turning in and i thought i can make this gap in between her and the thing and uh obviously as she moved towards the shop the gap got smaller i was was still confident. By then I'd built up quite a speed. Anyway, I smacked into her. And she went down.

Oh, no. Yeah, she went properly down. I mean, she would have been 50, I suppose. She went down and I went into a complete panic. So I just turned and shot off back uphill. So with some difficulty. You left her there? I just left her there off back uphill, so with some difficulty. You just, you left her there? I just left her there.

Flying on the road? And I heard a, no, she was on the pavement. Oh, Ambassador, you're spoiling her. Exactly. And some people ran over, as people did in those days, if an old man fell over. Yeah, they don't do that anymore. No, no, well, they assume that she's going to pull a gun on them.

Yeah. And it's all a hoax. But, yeah, and I heard this woman shout, it was that boy. Yeah. And my mum said... Not the first time you've heard that. Yeah, but then my mum said, he's my son.

It was like, as I disappeared. And, of course, I couldn't get away that fast. I was having to push. I had one foot on the ground. It was uphill. Oh, it was on the ground. It was uphill. Oh, it was a terrible moment. It was that boy. Yeah, exactly.

And were you later arrested? Was there any ramifications? No, she didn't press charges. That's noble of her. I bet your dad wasn't pleased, though. He was fine with it. I wasn't, was I? I explained it was, you know.

She narrowed the gaps, as simple as that. If you'd have walked in a straighter line. I like it when people turn into a shop, do a 90-degree angle. Yeah. Yeah, don't cut corners. I didn't realise there were rules on this. There is, yeah.

There was then. Of course, nowadays. Things have changed. What else in my life? Oh, I had a really, really annoying thing. Three times I've been woken up at 3.30am precisely. Oh, yeah. By my computer coming on.

Really? I sleep in the same room as my computer. And I updated it recently to the newest thing i don't know i don't understand really software update you know but like a big no not even no bigger than that it's gone to the new windows bigger than that new operating you know that the new windows okay so it's come on come with no one help me on this. Come on! Charlie's just texting. It's like having a 13-year-old child.

I think that is her job, to do the social media. Oh, the social media. It doesn't matter what it updated to. It was trying to install updates. But it was coming on at 3.30 in the morning. The other thing about, something about a computer doesn't have a problem with praise, I suspect, because when they come on,

they come on with a little fanfare. How does it sound? So I'd be woken up by a sort of a da-da, da-da, da-da. You know, that sort of, I can't remember the actual tune, but they come on with a fanfare. Shut up, just come on and do your work.

Go back to sleep. Why do you need to have any sounds at all? Oh, dear. But it's the new, someone will help me me because i'd love to know if anyone else is having this problem because yeah this is a lovely text in someone come on frank what's the new microsoft update it's this or the help center i need to excuse me we already had news in from david St Albans. Hi, guys. Oh, good use of guys. Hi, guys. Frank updated to Windows 10. I'm sure of that, David. Yes, well, that's what I did. Thank you, David.

I updated to Windows 10. Thank you that somebody knows about it. OK, don't say passive-aggressive because we don't know Windows 10. We've got other things going on in our lives. You know, come on, contribute. And it's, I can't live, I've had to unplug my computer at night. Who ever did that?

Does that stop it? There's no power going into it. It's not a laptop, it's a computer. My TV turns on downstairs all the time. I have to get up, I hear something shouting, I walk downstairs, bulletproof monk's on. I have to actually, I have to do this once every three days, I have to get up. I hear something shouting. I walk downstairs with bulletproof monks on. I have to actually, I have to do this once every three days, I have to do it. Do you live in one of

those George Best House of the Futures? That sounds great. Oh, we'll get to the bottom of this. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Not the only way I was woken up this week, by the way. Oh, I don't want to play a song.

This is absolutely disgusting. The imperialist computer. I've actually had a text, an email in, that might help you with the computer thing. It's entitled, Windows waking you up. And then the email reads, get a Mac! Exclamation mark. I sorted that out, hadn't I?

I'm not going to do the obvious, you know. Mac. Mac misunderstanding. No. That's the point. No, it's that out, hadn't it? I'm not going to do the obvious, you know. Mac. Mac misunderstanding. No. That's the point. No, it's not your style, is it? I suppose windows wipe me up anyway, because I don't have any curtains.

Mm-hmm. Weird, isn't it? Everything comes together. All the words have changed, haven't they? No, all I've got, um... Safari. Blackberry. All the words.

All the words have all changed. All the words have all changed. They all mean other stuff. Orange. Apple. Remember when these things actually meant the things they meant? they all mean other stuff orange apple remember when these things actually meant the things they meant yeah sneakers sneakers used to be people that like duck down under your window when they walk past your house yeah donkey jacket where does it all end yeah well that's what i say we'll find out uh oh yeah my other way you're gonna tell us about

how you were woken up, but I personally feel physically sick. No, no, you're right. It involves a baby monitor. OK. I just thought it was a very good piece of... My son, Boz, I had the monitor. Kath was avoiding so she could have her sleep in. She's under a lot of stress.

It's to do with vegetables. Are we all with you? Vegetables, I think it is. And he, I told you once that he woke me up by shouting, it's morning. He started doing that, which is quite a good alarm thing.

This time, he woke me up by shouting cock-a-doodle-doo, which I thought, that is clever, isn't it? He's gone traditional. It worked. He is so trad-core. Yeah, there was something very uplifting about that.

But, also this week, he said to me, I was lying on the sofa, and this sounds like it's going to be the funny things. Old dad. I do a lot of my conversations with him from the sofa. But I said

this isn't going to be all the funny things they say because this has got to He said to me, close your eyes and go to sleep. Why don't you close your eyes and go to sleep? Oh, that's nice. So I said, oh, I feel like... So I pretended I closed my eyes and went to sleep. And he head-butted me.

In the stomach, though. Right. But really, I mean really hard. And to the point where it didn't go away. I don't know if you've ever heard about, there was a Harry Houdini, the escapologist, said that people could punch him in the stomach as hard as they liked and they wouldn't hurt him because he had such developed ab muscles.

This is at a time when there were no ab muscles, hardly in the world. True. And, you know, people lived on lard. And a student said to him is it true what they say about you and being punched in the stomach and he said yes and the student punched him immediately with no warning and he did something like

ruptured his appendix. Didn't he die then? I think he exploded. He died later yeah? No he did genuinely die that's a nice story. He genuinely died Later yeah. Yeah and I did think. Did you sustain an injury? Well I had for about 40 minutes, I had pain. And I thought, that's it, he's done some terrible internal injury. Lumen tailback, buzz belly, what's next?

I know, but with... I mean, this was like a deliberate, shut your eyes, and then... Yeah. I mean, it was a full force headbutt. Don't get me, there was part of me that was intensely proud. Yeah. Because I like the fact that he's got a headbutt in his armoury. Yeah, absolutely. If he needs one,

you know. Tidy, he won't be able to handle himself. It's handy, isn't it, because it means you know, say if he was playing the accordion in public and somebody abused him, he wouldn't have to stop playing. These are the things you think about as a parent. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. On the Buzz front, by the way, did you see that picture in the paper of Buzz Aldrin with a Dalek? Oh, yeah, I did see that. I see it. It's like your two worlds colliding. I certainly thought of you. Well, I must admit, I saw it.

My first thought was that Dalek's having a very unique experience, a picture with Buzz Aldrin that it doesn't have to pay for. Because Buzz won't have his picture taken with anyone for less than 50 quid, that's the way that's how he rolls.

Well, even if he meets them face to face he broke us the deal, he would actually say. Well, I mean, I was given a complimentary, but not by him, but by the organisation. Right. Yeah, you know, I mean, he's 80-odd, he's making hay while the sun shines. Yeah. Or the moon shines. Moon shine, he's on moon shine.

I'd like to think he is. He said, he tweeted, who's afraid of a Dalek? Not me. Yes. Yeah. Well, I can believe that's afraid of a Dalek? Not me. Yes. Yeah. Well, I can believe that. Was it at the BBC? I've got to say, when you see a Dalek in the flesh, not that they're in the flesh,

well, I suppose they are in their interior casing, but you don't see that bit. There is something quite scary about it. And I've got a five-foot cardboard one in my bedroom. Can I tell you what I found scary? His clothes. I'm not going to lie. Who, Buzz's clothes?

Listen, Frank, it was a bit Grandad's won the lottery going out with a 27-year-old. He had a bomber jacket. That is Buzz, isn't it, more or less? He had a bomber jacket. I know, but he has to wear a satin bomber jacket with a NASA badge on. Does he?

Just in case people forget about the moon thing. Does it have to be sateen finish? I think NASA, I imagine their bomber jackets are exclusively sateen. I bet you can probably get leather if you want to pay up a bit. But if he's doing free photos with Dalek, it's going to be satin. Maybe the photos have been slow that week. I bet he took the leather off to say, if I'm not being paid, I'll do it in the satin. Surely they have two different ones.

It's like a football player's tracksuit top. They have the pre-match one and then the one that they're actually playing during the week. It wasn't just the sateen bomber jacket. He had a NASA T-shirt. Why wouldn't he? Go figure. Yeah.

However, it was, how can I put this, it was rather low-cut. He was showing a bit of heevage. Was he? Now, not at his age. Come on. I don't like a low-cut T-shirt. I'm with you on that.

I do not like a low-cut T-shirt. It depends. If it's on David Gandhi. Not Buzz Aldrin. But not if it's on Mahatma Gandhi. That's how I judge. That's the rule, is it? That's how I judge so many of my clothes.

David Gandhi looked great, Mahatma Gandhi not so great. Sometimes That's the rule, isn't it? That's how I judge so many of my clothes. David Gandy looked great, Matt McGandy not so great. Sometimes it's the other way around. I mean, I don't know if you've ever seen him in a continuous white linen garment, David Gandy. He looks terrible. Yeah, awful. Just can't carry it off. Not everyone can.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Hello. That's a good recap so far. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello. With Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215,

follow us on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, or email the Absolute Radio website. Can I bring up a thing about this Buzz... Bring up a thing? This Buzz Aldrin being photographed with the Dalek. Yes. It was at the BBC, was it?

Is it some, like, place where there's, like, a Doctor Who bit at the BBC? I think it is, yeah. I'm guessing it was there. I didn't like, in the background of the photograph, there's an A4 laminated piece of paper saying please do not touch me or i will exterminate you and then like three exclamation marks bos takes that with him everywhere yeah that's what i was worried about please don't touch me unless you're holding 50 quid in the other hand yeah it just i mean it's

i don't know how much he charges for actually touching him. There's no photo. If it's Buzz Aldrin I'm fine with that bit of paper but if it's the BBC trying to imply that the Daleks communicate to children that might touch them through laminated A4 paper and Blu-Tack. I don't like that.

Al, do you think Buzz has a little chip and pin machine up the sleeve of the old sateen? I think it's under the NASA baseball cap. Under the NASA baseball cap with anyone else but me. Come on, I see you singing. Anyone? No. But I've met a few astronauts of the past.

I love that chapter of your autobiography. And they all, I'm talking about American ones, and they all wear'm on about american ones and they all uh they all wear the the paraphernalia right and i i think people you know i don't know if they're selling it or if people just i suppose people like to see i didn't see the footwear but i'm imagining uh some sort of billy ray cyrus boot going on i don't remember what the footballer was. It's got to be a cowboy boot of some description. I don't think Buzz Aldrin needs to wear NASA paraphernalia for people to think.

We'd know, wouldn't we? Oh yeah, you see, he was on the move. Do you think it's like John Terry wearing the full strip of the final that he didn't play in? It's like the way Barack Obama wears an American flag badge. We know you are. Yeah, we get it.

We know you are. Yeah. See, I did a tour where we did, like, merch, and there was jackets and that with Frank Skinner live and stuff on. Was there? Yeah, I know. I'd like one of those. I was against it.

And then they said, well, you'll make. And I said, OK. But I don't like selling merch. You see, if I wore one of those, that would be a little bit like Buzz and the NASA jacket, wouldn't it? Well, what about if I wore... I can't wear any of them. No. I used the mugs that was left

over. But when people come round the house, you give them a Frank Skinner mug, you do feel a bit... Of course you do. Who'd do that? I do. Well, me. I should just explain to the readers that I'm wearing one of those jackets, but these guys haven't noticed. They don't even look in my direction. I'm going to decide this year.

It's a toss-up between my Yeezy tour jacket and Bankskin Alive. Yeah, OK. Fair. It is that you can't wear your own stuff. No. I mean, we don't get any Absolute Radio. I've never had so much as a T-shirt. It's such a thing. I've never seen one. It'd be purple if there were, wouldn't it?

I've had to crawl a hill of broken glass to get this cushion. Yes. She's saying that Emily sits on an Absolute Radio cushion, which is lovely. It is like she's my Pekingese. Oh, luxury. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You know more about the Doctor Who thing than I do, Frank. I mean, is it likely that the Dalek would say, please do not touch me, or I will exterminate? Would they just say, do not touch me? I've never heard one say, please do not touch me. People generally don't touch them. In the old days, you used to be able to sort of pull them over sometimes or push them out of buildings,

but they've gotten sturdier in the new series. Do you think he watches Doctor Who? No. Buzz Aldrin? I think he watches maybe the financial Bloomberg. He's done. I mean, I, you know. He might be a secret hero, Perkins.

Don't get me wrong. Hey, honey, Perkins is on. Come on. I love that guy. What about when I said, turn my name, my son, after you? What do you want? I said, he's called Buzz. And he went, double Z.

Or what else do you think I've spelt it anyway i love your your slight anger no i i love him obviously he's a great hero of mine well um and also i like i mean the re one of the reasons apart from the fact it's a cool name, that I named Buzz after him, is I think there's something cooler about being second than there is about being first, if you know what I mean. Yes, I think that's true. Women have been telling me this for years. I'd thought they told us at the same time. You know what I mean? I wouldn't call him...

I'd never have called him Neil after Neil Armstrong, just because calling him after the first one... You know what I mean? It's always nice to be a bit... Yeah. I used to hate myself for the fact that I really liked the blonde one in ABBA. You know, Agneta. Oh, yeah. Because to me, the cleverer person would have liked Anna Fried.

That's like me, always going for the drama. Yes. It's true, I like that. But it's interesting, here's a question for you. When it comes to landing on the moon, would you rather be the first one or the alive one? I can't put myself in that situation, even. No, but generally speaking, I remember just after Eric Morecambe died,

I remember thinking, in this situation now, would I rather be the funny one or the alive one? Yeah. So often people choose the alive one. Yeah, you'd choose the funny one, I suppose. I'd choose the funny one if it came to it. And you know what? I love that about you. God bless you.

You know, something I'm concerned about is that Buzz Aldrin, his Twitter handle, I noticed, I've been checking out his account and it's an impressive account he calls himself, he's got the Twitter handle The Real Buzz. Now you might need to buy that off him. What about Buzz when he gets older?

It's not fair. Can you imagine if I approached Buzz Aldrin and said how much do you want for that? So it's a handle. Oh God, I'd have to start doing more shows on Absolute Radio. It's definitely going to be back on the road for you. I don't think he'd say, no, it's fine. Taken!

The next tour, man in a NASA jacket. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. As we sit here in Golden Square, I can hear the London street vendors calling outside in Golden Square. Oh, me taters and me fresh fried fish. You can have a little if you wish.

Weird, isn't it? Interesting. Yeah. Can you hear them? No. You can have it on a plate or in a dish or on a little bit of pipe. Is this Les Mis or something? It puts his heart and soul into it.

You know, we sometimes, we don't do praise on the show, do we really? We do praise of authors. Yeah, we do that. And I think one of our... Depending on who they are. One of the things I like about this show is that we offer our wisdom where we have it, I think. And we've had an email in titled Old Wives Tales. Morning, Frank.

I've chased a few of those, haven't I? I'm a relatively new reader, having read most of your older podcasts. See, this person's already got into the lingo of the show. Oh, yes. Congratulations. So true to the form. Read most of your older podcasts over the last few months and wondered if you could help me.

Where does the saying, Old Wives Tale, originally come from? Now, that's a good one. It then continues, and also, is it true that drinking alcohol through a straw gets you drunk quicker i have i mean i've heard that well you know that i've heard it come on i think i tried it but um in the perno days i don't think it made any difference as far as that the idea i think is you take more air in and that sends bubbles of alcohol to your brain you know those sorts of champagne that you're talking about you know the the theories that you get? I've got vodka ice sculpture I had once at the This Morning Christmas Party.

Let's not even go there. This Morning's Christmas Party had a vodka sculpture? Vodka ice party. And all I'm saying, Frank, it was a male torso. Let's leave it there. Oh. Yummy. I got vodka in my eyes.

I had to go home. I was almost blinded from it. It was awful. Oh, that does sound bad. Anyway. What price happiness, though, eh? I don't know if the straw gets you. I'm joking. I can't do.

Okay. No, I did try it, but, you know, it's that sort of... Do you remember the nom skulls that used to be in the comic, where it was like little people? Little people inside someone's head and stuff, operating everything. Yeah, I love that. I think that

it comes from that level of that. I think that it comes from that level of anatomy. The idea that it goes into bubbles and then that carries up to your brain. I don't believe that's true. And what about old wives, Taylor? Have we got any answers on that? Because I'm trying to offer our wisdom to Simon. I think he is dictionary

corner. He's from Wollaston, Simon, by the way. Is that good? Wollaston, West Midlands, just saying. Wollaston? That's what he's... Wollaston, Simon, by the way. Is that good? Wollaston, West Midlands, just saying. Wollaston? That's what he's... Woolst... Woolst... Unless it's a typo. Hmm. That might be somewhere I haven't heard of, for goodness sake, I'm prepared to... Imagine if we found out today that Frank wasn't

actually from Birmingham. Oh, no, you mean it was... It was just an old wives' tale. Yeah, and he was really like, oh, God, I've had to do the acting again. Okay, okay. You're on to me. Anything to get on telly. Yeah. I've made up a wonderful

story about my dad. But you people don't understand that it's so difficult now, if you've got my kind of accent, to get on. So yes, I lied. I was also a part of that canoe thing. And yes, I named the blue Peter bunny.

Was it a bunny or was it a cat? It was a cat. Oh, see, that's it. That'll ruin the whole damn thing. Next. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

I'll tell you who we haven't discussed yet this morning, who's one of my favourites. I'm calling her my spirit toddler. That is Harper Beckham. Oh, yeah. Are you familiar with her work? Who is Harper now? I'm going to go four.

I think she's four, yeah. Named after Harper Lee, who wrote um to kill a mockingbird yeah i'll tell you what i love about harper is she has a sort of insouciance i'm calling it frank oh she's described as insouciant yeah were you i was told that it would hold back my career look at me now i'm gonna face up iess up. I don't know what insouciant means. Oh. It's a very... Why would you describe it?

It's kind of... It's a bit whatever's. It's a bit unaffected by this. Oh, OK. I'm calm, collected. Oh, yeah, you are insouciant. Perhaps a standoffishness. Yeah, you are insouciant.

Frank, don't overuse it just because you just found it out. Well, I find... You love a French word, don't you? Four times now. You can't... Don't leave the studio and go to the cab driver. Oh, very insouciant day. I mean, you're going to misuse it and it's embarrassing.

Okay, I don't think I'll misuse it. They've explained it to me. Okay. I might overuse it. Don't get defensive. Okay. I've never heard... I've got to say, I've never heard the word insouciant.

I've only heard insouciance oh ok we're all fessing up to our confessions when you say fessing up I think it might have been a mistake made but anyway no I think insouciance definitely exists you didn't even know what it was

there's lots of words I see and I don't know what they are but I can't just can't be bothered to touch that kindle screen because I'm in the moment. Well, the toddler four and a half comma she met Prince Harry this week at a charity

football match. I don't know I've got to say, I don't know how she's so calm and cool and collected because if David Beckham was my dad I would just wake up every day going David Beckham! Oh my my god she probably calls him dad i know i'd go dad no you wouldn't if david beckham was my dad you wake up every morning going so what's for breakfast anyway she did a great thing she met prince harry and she was very webs. She honestly didn't care. She yawned. When he went to shake the hand,

she actually retracted the hand. It was great. That one of them thumped her nose. Actually, she's just not bothered. She's met them all. She's worked with them all. I think the yawn is very forgivable, though.

I mean, she could have been tired and, you know, even as adults, we occasionally yawn. It was quite late. Was it a night game? It was a night game. She had to be up for the cock-a-doodle-doo alarm call. Well, who takes a kid to a night game? The Beckhams. Oh, did you ever meet my parents?

But also, have you ever had that thing where somebody else in your company yawns, and then you yawn? I think it's like, it's believed that it's like a, it goes back to a tribal thing that when one in the tribe wanted to go to sleep, everybody would want to, so they would all sleep. To me, to me, it's just tit for tat. Yeah. I think how terrible you're, ooh, how do you like it? Is she?

It's different with me. I'll stop being so insouciant. Yeah, very good. She met a prince and she was on the pitch at Old Trafford. There were 77,000 people. One of them might have yawned and she could be standing there meeting the prince thinking, oh God, I caught that yawn from that guy over there. You've got to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe Prince Harry yawned. Yeah, exactly.

I don't think they're allowed, are they? They don't yawn. They've had an operation that stops them yawning. They can watch 45 minutes of African children dancing not that well and not yawn once. I mean, it's amazing. And they can shake hands. It's a special operation they have when they're about 12. They can shake hands with, like, 800 people at a dinner party

and not yawn. I mean, it is amazing. I've just yawned now. I can't even get through one lick. I saw you do it. You need to have the op. Also, I blame... If he dressed like a prince,

I think little girls would be more... You're so right. I think she was expecting, like, a cartoon prince with, like, buckles on his shoes. Yeah, especially if your dad's, David Beckham! And she met him and was like, it's just a bloke in a suit.

No, he wasn't even in a suit. He was wearing some sort of jerking. Oh, don't tell me you had a lanarack over the suit. He was really sort of... Jerking? I wondered... He means gilet. What is a jerking?

He means gilet. What's a jerking? I've never heard of it. Get out. I've never heard of a jerking. I don't think I've ever heard of a jerking. Do you mean gilet? Well, I'm...

I can't breathe. No, it wouldn't cost him much to put a golden epaulette on every jacket and top he owns. A jerkin? He's gone a bit Shakespearean. It's not really... Any sort of sleeveless sort of... Oh, I have much to learn about fashion, tell me.

Yeah, body warmer gilet. Is there a body warmer? It could be. A jerkin... You know those little quilted puffers that country people wear? That would qualify. Yeah, but a jerkin is a little bit

medieval innkeeper. Peter the Wild. Well, I think any casual sleeveless jacket would qualify as a jerkin, but, well, you know. Okay, Karl Lagerfeld. Okay, that's the texting. What's a jerking? Yes, and it ends in N. It ends in N!

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got some bad news for you, Frank. What? We've just had an email in, and, I mean, normally I would let it slide, and I might even pre-warn you during a song, like, oh, Frank, we've had an email in. Hi, Frank and the team.

Avid Reader here, based in Beijing. Don't ask how I managed to listen to Absolute Radio here, it's top secret. In last week's show, Frank proudly spoke a few words of Mandarin. Oh, yes. But I couldn't help but notice a slight mistake ni hao ma ni hao ma actually means how are you and just ni hao means hello i'm sure that no one would object if you said how are you to a passerby but technically you you start a dialogue with ni hao okay once the other replies, you then say ni hao ma.

Anyway, great effort in learning those seven words. I've been living here for two years and have only learnt about nine. Oh, poor. Keep up the great work with the show. Oh, and then it goes on to praise. Yeah, so you can't include the praise. Now it's ni hao for hello. OK, thanks for the tip, though.

I know you like to be corrected if you've made a mistake. So I felt like I'd bring it to your attention immediately. That is good to know. Put it straight to the top of the pile. I'm new to Mandarin. I haven't been speaking it since I was knee-how to a grasshopper. We've had another email. I've never said knee-how to a grasshopper.

They just look at you. Unless it's a Mandarin one. Yeah. Do you get Mandarin grasshoppers? There's no point learning it. You'll learn nine words after two years. Come on. I thank guys and girls. Good for the brain to learn a language in later life.

Do one of those word searches in Daily Mail. It's good for the brain. I fixed this problem on a friend's system yesterday. So what you need to do is restart Windows, check all power management settings are correct and save any changes, reboot and enter BIOS. You still with me? Disable Fast Stamp. Open your power plan settings

and click on Change Advanced Power Settings. Can I say one thing true in our household is the power management settings are not correct. Go through each device that could be causing your PC to wake and change it accordingly. Reboot after each change to find the culprit. Very good use of culprit. That's so ideal.

Yes. Could you print that for me? Sure. Thanks. Really? Are you going to have a go at that? Yeah, why not? Well, I just think you could, I mean, get a Mac.

Like I said, get a Mac. You could just take a hammer to the computer. I think he might be joking with us, this man. I'm not taking that hammer to the computer. I'm taking a hammer to it. Oh, you think he's joking with us, this man. I'm not taking the hammer to the computer. Oh, you think he's joking? Oh, I don't know. No, he sounds like he knows what he's talking about. What kind of a joke is that?

Can't... LAUGHTER You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. What about when me and Adrian Childs... I love it already. ..and a friend of ours was on a road trip around America and we went into this town, I don't remember which one it was, and we decided, ironically, obviously, to go to Hooters.

Yeah. You didn't. Yeah. So we Googled it. What goes on tour stays on tour, yeah. I'm so disappointed in you two. I don't know who the third party was. Well, don't worry, there's a happy ending,

because when we got there, it had been blown away by Horican Otis. It had gone. There was just a lot, a vacant lot with a bit of rubble on it. So there you know, I took that as an act of God. You know what? It's a pity that so many people had to die just to keep me pure. Here you go, if you're going to make an omelette.

I find Hooters offensive. Do you know why? Why's that? American tan tights and shorts. I won't have it. I know what you mean about American tan tights. Yeah. I mean, we're not ice skating, do you? So, um... Harper, can I tell you why I relate

to Harper and why she's my spirit toddler? Go on. Because I think this is something I've suffered from a lot, particularly at her age, is being unimpressed by people I should have been massively impressed by. So, for example, one of my most memorable tantrums

involved the word, I don't want to go to Doris Lessing's house. I hate Doris Lessing. Yes. I mean, it's happened to us all. It hasn't. I just found, and I just said, my dad said, why do you hate her? I said, because you just talk.

She talks all the time. Yes. I got angry when my dad was talking to an old man once and I said, I want to go home. Why are you talking to that old man? He said, it's Spike Milligan. I'm not joking. I notice

that me and Al have got a big quiet childhood reference system. Not got a lot to bring to this bit. And then I once went to my school fate and I was desperate to my school fate, and I was desperate to get an autograph from the headmaster. I was very excited. And the queue was so long, I had to go to another queue,

and I had to get an autograph from Kenneth Williams. Oh. Which I've still got, actually. And Yehudi Menuhin, he used to come to our fate as well. Oh, yes, Yehudi Menuhin was very NW3. Yes. Anyway, let's hear about your childhood stories. I don't have any.

I think one occasion when I thought I was going to be incredibly impressed and excited and was bored. I mean, I don't get bored very often. I mean, very, very rarely. If I do get bored, therefore it's quite a shock to my system. And I have a sort of panic attack.

And I went to something which I thought was going to be a thriller mini and I got to the point where I was having chest pains. I was so bored. And that was the BBC Sports Personality of the Year Award. Which, I'm not kidding you, it might be tedious watching it on the telly, but when you're there, when you can smell the embrication on them. Oh, it's interminable

and a dull beyond belief. Was that a wasp? The giant wasp in there? What is that noise? Was that your phone, Charlie? I said there's a giant wasp in the shared areas. In the common parts? I hate a wasp in the common parts. Oh, me too. Me too.

Because they nestle, don't they? That's what I can't forgive them for. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on...

at Frank on the radio, the Twitter thing, and you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. Here you go. Well done. There you go. That thing, that panic attack boredom thing that I occasionally got, I once... i once got it at um i went to a mark allman concert yeah and i like the way this story's going it's not as bad

as you think actually because it's not i didn't get bored at the Mark Orman concert. I'll say you wouldn't. Mark Orman came on and he did a couple of songs. And then he said, thanks for coming. It's lovely to see you all. And, you know, I'm just going to do some of my stuff, a bit of shout braille, blah, blah, blah. He said, I'll probably do about three hours, 20 minutes. And I got my boredom panic attack in anticipation of that yeah and i said to kath i'm gonna have to i'm gonna have to i'm sorry i'm gonna have to go i'm having a boredom panic attack

and she said we've only been here 10 minutes i said no but i it's i it's just i i see the whole evening as a time is no longer cyclical no i see it it's it's not a linear thing it's just there three and three hours 20 minutes yeah and so we left we left after uh the third song that's a little bit intolerant just because i knew i was i was he should and i've learned from that never say how long the show is that's a good rule ken dodd could do with listening to this bit well i don't know if he says how long it is it's That's a good rule. Ken Dodd could do with listening to this bit. Well, I don't know if he says how long it is. It's just people he famously does a long show. Do you think

Mark Holman had recently seen Ken Dodd and thought, I'll do the same banter? Apparently. I've heard Mark Holman is a regular at Doddy gigs. Big Doddy fan. Yeah, he texts the tickling stick and everything. I was once at a concert at Somerset House to see a band

that we all liked the album of. What are they called? Bright Eyes. Bright Eyes, his name is. Oh, Watership Down. No, not quite. And my mate Noel is a bricklayer, and the band weren't great, to be honest. This Bright Eyes gig was not good.

And I looked over and I could see Noel just looking up. And I went, are you all right? And he went went look at that brickwork up there it's amazing isn't it and he was looking at the architecture of Somerset house that's how bad the concert was it's the worst possible review I went to

an Akira Kurosawa day at the British Film Institute yeah which is actually very good apart from one bloke who got up and did a lecture on Akira Kurosawa and ten minutes in I had the feeling I had to go out. Did you? Yeah. It's not good

enough, is it? You have to talk for 45 minutes and he just made no effort whatsoever. I still think of him now. Oh, well, I wonder what context. In the context of hate. Okay. Anyway, what about this?

Me by gun, me by gun, me by gun, male corner. I thought you were playing a song and I thought, oh, I like this. Yeah, yeah. I was throwing shapes. Brighouse and Rastrick. Always let me down. So, we've had a tweet. I'm really sorry to interrupt but i'm going to there's an unnecessary apostrophe in jerkins no praise just disappointment an ex-teacher this is in response to something that's been tweeted by um charlie i'm gonna name and shame

oh she's added an apostrophe oh these people these people. These people. This is it. Never let anyone to use your name because they will use your name in vain. She's given Jerkins a possessive apostrophe. Is that what's taken place? I'm gutted. Anyway, hi guys and dolls. We've had an email. Hi guys and dolls. I would like to ask a

simple question on the subject of the Tragus. Three songs from guys and dolls? Lock be a lady. Luck be a lady tonight, yes. Sit down, you're rocking the boat. The devil will drag you under. Yes.

I don't have anything for the other one. Oh, I know. A person can develop a cold. Is that a song? Yeah. Sounds like a story. No, it's true. Every song is a story. Well, the good ones, yeah. Good night.

I've never been in love before. That's hardly true. Anyway, yes, we're in the corner. A simple question on the subject of the tragus. You mentioned that you have to put the flap down with your finger. No, hold on, we need to explain. We shouldn't play. we need a little bit of people will be horrified yeah someone said um that when you are speaking to someone in a loud

musical environment and you you know they can't hear you the thing is to press down that piece of flesh at the front of the ear hole which is we discovered was called the tragus and actually sort of close the ear and then go in to talk and they hear your voice but they don't hear the extraneous noise. Very well explained. Thank you. You mentioned that you have to put the flap down with your finger

on their ear. Why don't you just let the person you're talking to put their own finger in their own ear, having explained what you are doing then chat away. Regards, Carl from Stourbridge. Well, first of all, Carl just doesn't know women.

No. No. Now, the problem with this, of course, is when you say to them, I tell you what, it's very loud in here, can you put your finger on your tragus? Yes. You've got to wait for them to Google tragus.

Yeah. And also, the main problem is that if you ask them to do that, they almost certainly won't hear you because it's too loud. You'll have to lean forward and press their tragus. By then, you might as well just stay there in situ. That's true. The best bet, I would have thought, is to grow one of those very heavily waxed pharaoh beards. So as you lean in, you can actually press the tragus down with the beard

and then speak accordingly. Right, that's an option. How's that sound to you? I'd hate the sound of that. I take a little whiteboard and a marker pen like scuba divers, you know, when they hold up... That's a good idea. That's what I do in the nightclubs.

That's my rule. Lumina. I'll let the luminous light come off it. Lovely. I don't like the sound of you in nightclubs. I hope you don't mind me saying. I don't think you should be going to them. It's all right, yes.

I've been to a nightclub for, what, 20 years? Maybe 15. 15. You're best out of it. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just say that I think the idea of closing your own tragus is a good idea, you know, when you push the bit of your ear. Because if you're very waxy, you'll get it just right, rather than completely shut the door. If you're very waxy, you'd just be able to press it too and it'll probably just stay there. That was my concern.

If somebody else did it, they wouldn't know. No, but that's handy, isn't it? You just leave it there for the whole nightclub. Yes. For the whole nightclub. Anyway, we're... I've just... We've had a text in.

I mean, we don't get texts like this very often. I was wondering, do any of you play computer games like Fallout 4? It's very good. Richard? That's not my godson, Harvey. Emily, you can't get her off Call of Duty or Fallout 4? Can you imagine me playing a computer game? I can't, no. I thought you had a Candy Crush period.

That doesn't count. That's just an iPhone thing. Not a computer game? Is it? I did it a bit, but you know what? I felt such deep shame. It just felt very TOWIE. And I thought, I'm better than this. Oh, well. I tenpinball occasionally on my

tablet. Let's call it that. And I'm not referring to the Roman Catholic Weekly Journal. I occasionally play my son at FIFA 2012 on a PlayStation. But what's the one that's been recommended? Fallout 4. I mean, I've got to say

some of these things are very sophisticated. They really are. They know what they're doing now. And, you know, I'm not against them. I'm not against them. It's just not for me. I like a game of chess when it's happened but it's good for that for

yeah I like the alliteration I like the sense that it could be some people who were wrongfully arrested after a nuclear attack I'll think

maybe I'll invent the thing is shall we all play it together one day my problem is that I think I could get very very obsessed with them

and then you've lost there's your life gone yeah well that's it so that I think I could get very, very obsessed with them and then you've lost, there's your life gone. Yeah. Well, that's it. So that's why I stay back. I mean, what next, Tetris? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Last thing before I went to bed last night, I watched David Bowie's Black Star video. That's how I ended my Friday. Rocking away on Absolute Radio! OK. No games of Fallout 4 for you. Fallout 4. I think we should talk about Andy Murray,

who's already, I think, a friend of the show, isn't he? If Kath and I numbered our arguments, I would say there are days when we've had a fall out four. Yeah. Andy Murray is a friend of the show. Would you say? He's been a feature of the show many times over the years, as has his mother, Old Mar Murray, as you like to call her.

I prefer to call him andrew murray oh do you in the way that andrew cole changed his name well i'm a big fan of him i'm a big fan of him um is he maury senior or maury minor i you know at public school when if there's brothers oh yeah they give um um is that what they is it senior and minor or major and minor or whatever? Oh, I don't know. But the brother, is it Jamie, the brother? Yeah, yeah. Is he younger or older?

Don't know. Oh, you're Scottish, aren't you? I am Scottish, yeah. We don't all know each other's brother's ages. Well, he doesn't keep up with the sports gossip magazines like you do, for any reason. Well, I do. I keep up with Andy Murray news. Oh, yeah. Generally. He trimmed his hair during a

match this week, which I thought was wonderful. I thought it was absolutely brilliant. I think more people should do it. It'd change Strictly Come Dancing if Claudia Winkleman had seen this. I'd be delighted by that. Excuse me, she's got fabulous hair. Oh, she looks great, but a little trim would be even better for me.

Stop being so basic. But this is how Andre... So basic. Andre Agassi started with a little trim would be even better for me. Stop being so basic. But this is how Andre... So basic. Andre Agassi started with a little trim at the front. Next thing you know, he looked ridiculous. He said, Andrew Murray, I saw this, and he was playing Rafa, wasn't he, as they call him? Uh-huh.

Yeah. Rafa Benitez? Yeah. God, he's brilliant. He's done well for himself. He has? Was it in the seniors? No, it's that Nadal one, who all the ladies on the head night fancy. Oh, he's career changed. He's done well for himself. He has? Was it in the seniors? No, it's that Nadal one who all the ladies on the head night fancy.

Oh, he's gorgeous. Love his shoulders. Love him. He, um, decided, he said afterwards, after he'd cut the hair, he said, it literally took two seconds. That was it. Yeah. That's not the point of how long it took.

I don't give a damn if it took two hours. It's weird that you cut your hair. It is weird, isn't it? It's weird that he had scissors in his tennis bag. Exactly. Nothing from Monica Sellers. What the hell is he doing with scissors in the bag? No, because he'd...

What the hell is going on? A bit of random tape or something like that. I mean, it's always good to have scissors in your sports bag. No, it's not. Yeah, of course it is, because you never know when you... Have you got scissors in your bag? Right now? Let's have a look. Okay.

What? Keep talking amongst yourselves. What else is in Andy Murray's bag? Who carries around scissors? I've got a... That's actually taxed. I've got a Vic nasal inhaler. I hope you've got a dry sack luggage bag in there.

I think you're in too much sack luggage bag in there. Lots of biros. One locket. Just one locket. Can we just say that's the throat suite rather than jewellery? I bet you don't find scissors. I can't see any scissors at the moment. It sounds like a protractor and a ruler in there. I've always got a spare

bag inside the bag in case there's gifts. Oh, yes. That is nice. Sometimes I i'm just that's a little glimpse into what it's like being a celeb there yes better take a spare bag in case i'm showered with gifts again he's not edward scissorhands he's edward entitled who you oh yeah um yes well it's not expecting it's be prepared the old... But I think it's fair enough he's got... I mean, imagine, say, if he noticed that one of his laces was a bit longer than the other.

He hasn't got time to completely tie them again. You'd just have to knit them down. He's got box freshies waiting in the dressing room. If I was him, I'd have... You know the chair that you sit on? I'd have two chairs with Nicky Clark on the other one. That's a great idea. I might get it washed. I might get it washed between sets. You know, those things where you lean back into in a hair wash. Oh, I hate those. Oh, I love a mid-game, mid-match blow-dry. I never have my hair washed in a... Why not?

Because I was doing it once and... You were toppers, can I ask? I was lying in my... Mr. Toppers or whatever. No, I don't know if they have a sink there even. They do put plant spray on it. Even for the staff's hands. They put that plant spray on it. So I was leaning back

and, you know, there's a little indentation for your neck in those washed hair washers. Oh yeah, with the rubber ring. Yeah, so I was leaning back. You know, there's a little indentation for your neck in those. Oh, yeah, with the rubber ring. Yeah, so I was leaning back there and it suddenly struck me. What? Now, if the hairdresser was to karate chop my Adam's apple. And once you've had that thought, you cannot relax into a hair wash in a salon. That's true, yeah. They're not going to do that.

You don't know that. Once you've had the thought, though. I can't relax in there anyway. The money they make off my tips, there's no way they're doing that. Well, I'm quite a good tipper in the barbers. No, you're not. The haircut has cost £10. Yes.

£9, and you give them £10. No, I give them £12. That's a 33% tip. That is all right. You beat that. That is good. No, I say them 12. That's a 33% tip. That is all right. You beat that. That is good. No, I say you beat that. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you actually see the footage of Andy Murray cutting his own hair? Yes. You saw it? I did. It's amazing, isn't it? Because he does the voice where he goes,

So, where are you going on your holidays? I didn't hear that bit. And then he turns back to himself and says, Oh, probably just a beach holiday. I don't know. Depends where the next will open it. He did look like he'd done it before because he held it

and cut it and then I think he put it on a towel. It struck me that if I was in the auditorium, I'd think, well, I wouldn't mind getting hold of that. For eBay? For eBay. Why do you want some Scottish man's hair? You're going to get money.

It's not just some Scottish man, is it? What do you think that would get on eBay? I mean, do you remember I got £1,000? I once had my hair cut in the studio. How didn't you know about that? And the next person in gathered it up. And they got £1,000? I once had my hair cut in the studio. How didn't you know about that? And the next person in gathered it up. And they got £1,000. Someone bought it.

On eBay. Some sicko. £1,000? It was a charity. You know, it's one of those people bid more if it's charity. But, I mean, if Andy Murray, if he bought his hair on eBay, you'd get a quarter of a million quid. No, you wouldn't.

I haven't looked on eBay for a long get a quarter of a million quid. No, you wouldn't, Frank. I haven't looked on eBay for a long time, and I'm... Well, we'll see. No, you wouldn't. Don't have any. If you're listening, Andy, send us some, uh, some clippings. Some Jürgen clippings. Mm-hmm. I've cut my own hair before.

Really? Mm-hmm. That surprises me, if you don't mind me saying. Well, I was a lot younger. Thank you. I was a lot younger, and I was given a haircut. I think my parents had taken me to Vidal Sassoon. I was about seven or something. What, to his house or to his salon? The real one.

I don't want to go to Vidal Sassoon's! And they'd cut it so short, I looked like Juliet Bravo. Oh. I looked awful. And I said I didn't like Juliet Bravo, I didn't like it. So I went home and I decided to hack the entire fringe off. And I gave myself a sort of Ashencore vibe. I love women with short hair.

You know women get free fringe trims? I think I told you this recently. Get out. When they're walking past their own hairdresser, they can go in and go, oh, can you just trim your fringe? I find that amazing. Amazing, isn't it?

I think what's fantastic about a woman with short hair is that you feel that you haven't quite committed One way or the other What do you mean What on earth are you talking about Don't you love that moment when you're playing pool When no one's potted a ball yet And you can still go spots or stripes

It's still down to you What is wrong with you What are you looking at me like that for Absolute Radio Frank Skinute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. One of the sad things about the Andy Murray thing is it reminds me of the secular age we live in. Why?

Because you feel, in the old days, if he'd been playing in the 19th century, he would have been aware of the Old Testament story of Samson and Delilah. Right. And Samson and Delilah. Right. And Samson, Delilah cuts his hair and he loses his strength. I've done that to a few. And that would have made him

wary. Yes. But now he cut his hair and he lost. In fairness. Coincidence? You decide. He was losing anyway, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but people come back, don't they? I wonder if that's why he risked it, because he was losing anyway, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but people come back, don't they? I wonder if that's why he risked it, because he was losing and he was thinking, well, even if I cut my hair now, it's not going to look... I'm not going to care about the photos.

I'm not going to be holding up the cup at the end of this. I'm already losing. I may as well gamble. I don't think he was just grooming, though, was he? It was in his eyes. It didn't look long enough to be in his eyes. I think it's one of those things when you start blaming everything because things are going wrong. Like with an actor I've done it myself actually

you get your lines wrong and you say yeah but the thing is sorry it really isn't helping you standing in my eye line it's got nothing to do with that at all just blame everyone Do you think yeah I don't think old Marmari would have been best pleased if she was watching. No, I imagine she cuts his hair.

Yeah. No, I think he's only done this since being married. I blame Kim Sears. Do you know Kim Sears? Kim Sears, yeah. No, but thanks for the tip. No, Andy Murray Sears. I, do you know that the... Give him some respect for that.

Do you know the Samson story? Yeah. Yes. That's the famous bit, but there's a bit... Frank, so that's late review. I mean, of course we know the Samson story. Don't act like, do you know about the Kardashians? Do you know the Samson story?

Do you know the riddle element? What riddle element? Oh, well, now you see. Pride comes before a fall. Samson is... Oh, how I've humiliated myself. This is one of absolute regular slots of a little potted Bible story. Samson kills a lion.

Yeah. And then he sees it later on, and bees have built a nest in it inside the carcass. And so he goes to a wedding. I think it's a wedding. They had weddings back then. He does the speech. Oh, God, yeah.

Water into wine. I know that's a little early, but hey. And he says, and let's see if I remember this, he said something, inside the eater, the eaten, and from the dangerous, the sweeten, or something like that. What is it? What am I referring to? And these bunch of blokes are so angry that they can't get the riddle that they threaten to set fire to a whole family of people

unless he tells them the answer to the riddle. That happened to you in Birmingham and they didn't get your joke that night. Can you imagine? These are the people you don't want on eggheads. It's a great story. What is the answer? People can text in.

The story, he meant, he referred to the honey that was inside the light. In fact, if you get one of those, you know those what's it called? Golden syrup. Oh, yeah. If you look on it there's a picture of a lion with bees coming out of it and it says something like sweetness from

thingy. You heard it here first. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

That's Grounds for Divorce. Sorry, I was just on the phone. That's Grounds for Divorce. Sorry, I was just on the phone. That's Grounds for Divorce by Elbow. I had a friend who used to cut his own hair. Did you? I can't say he was the sanest friend I ever had. No. And so I sort of associate it now with, let's say,

eccentricity. Yes. He was a guy who I saw him in the pub and he said, oh, I've been on the ladder all morning putting putting me Joni Mitchell CDs in the loft. I said, what are you doing that for?

He said, I can't listen to her anymore. He says, she's taking me to a dark place I don't want to be. And so that was it. He never, ever listened to Joni Mitchell again. Did he mean the loft? No. I don't know if he had a light up there, but he may have meant that. Yeah.

So, yeah, so they all got put up there. The way, like, you know... I'm glad you found out what happened to them. Yes, they may still be there now. OK. Cool story, bro. I liked it. Don't it always seem to show

that you don't know what you've got till it's gone? So he'll be at home now panicking. OK, Pete Donaldson is up next. Oh, I like him. Wearing a pea-green catsuit split to the waist this morning. Fabulous. And thank you so much for listening this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be all half.

Bye-bye. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.