The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Kim Jong Merrily On High

Episode Date: December 17, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Divine Miss Em and the Cockerel for the final live show of 2016. The team talk Andrews Salts, see-through kettles and distraction techniques.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, if you will. You know when people say about mince pies, oh, I wish we could just eat them all year round. They're in the shops, aren't they? Some people do eat them all year round they're in the shops aren't they some people do eat them all year round but nobody says why don't we play that song

that you just played in March Do you know Al, apologies for the forthcoming buzz kill but I loathe a mince pie I have to say I don't loathe one but I've never said why don't we eat them the whole year round I do, I would like them

Turkey, I always say, you know what I'm going to start having turkey on a regular basis. I do that too. It's quite Christmassy. I got the Christmas jumper memo. I have a pink jumper with Jingle Bella. Charlie the producer's got one. Sarah hasn't. And Frank had a go at her.

I don't want to say I had a go. No, I wouldn't say I had a go. You suggested she was lying. Well, she made up some story about having one and spilling coffee on it. I wouldn't say how to go. No, I wouldn't say how to go. You suggested she was lying. Well, she made up some story about having one and spilling coffee on it, which is, you know, that's like the dog ran off with my homework, as far as I'm concerned. But if you do eat turkey all the year round, it must have been like...

When I used to drink heavily all the time, at Christmas I used to get absolutely gutted that people were at the bar getting in my way. Part-timers. I'm clogging the bar. Imagine the person who has Christmas has some turkey every month.

Turning up in December and saying, what do you mean sold out? I always get my turkey this time of the month. It's tough. Anyway, it is the season to be jolly. Yeah. Let us not forget that. Although I've just finished recording a series in my TV.

You know, I still have something of the vague slivers of a TV career. Oh, don't put it like that. Don't put yourself down. I, um... If I want to be put down, I should go to a Swiss clinic and do it properly. I, um... Happy Christmas.

We had Nigel Havers. He put, or attempted, I won't say whether he got in or not, Christmas into Room 101. Oh. Did he? What an old Grinch. Bar humbug.

Havers gonna hate. Lovely. Did he? What an old Grinch. Bar humbug. Haver's gonna hate. Lovely. That's what I always think. So, yeah, it's... I kind of like you, I must admit. Can I ask you, if I...

If I was gonna get something in the New Year's Honours list, would I know by now? Would I have been tipped off? You're asking us? Yeah. Oh, yeah, we're on the panel, aren't we? I forgot. You don't just find out, do you?

You're tipped off. You must be tipped off. You would know by now. Yeah, I think you're right. I've had friends who've had honours and they've been forewarned. You've got very high expectations of that. What were you expecting? I'm not going to be rude. Well, no, you do know, darling.

You're not getting the honours. They might. Occasionally, I think, they might give them sarcastically. Do you think so? I mean, genuinely. That's my chance, I think. Genuinely, do you think you'd get... You might.

It should be OBE you should get, I think. If I live long enough, I'll have to start... Eventually, I'll have to start doing a bit of charity stuff. I really just don't want an honour. You don't shout enough about it. I've held back long enough on the charity stuff and I've realised that that's how you buy your honour. To be honest, when you say...

Charity for questions. If you live long enough, you should just be delighted as a celebrity to get out of 2016. It's been a call this year, hasn't it? Hold on. Oh, God, that's going to be repeated on the news. I'm going to feel bad about that. Oh, dear.

Ironically, his co-host, Alan Cochran. Yeah, I've got five hours on the motorway today. That's all I'm saying. Oh, my goodness. Merry Christmas, everyone. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Merry Christmas, everyone. I've had my first GIFs this week. GIFs?

You know, Christmas GIFs. Oh, I thought you meant GIFs. My first... Oh, no, not GIFs. Because I've had my first GIFs this week. Is a GIF like a move in... Yeah. Yes. Okay.

I haven't had any GIFs this week. Well, there is a GIF of you. Is a GIF of me? Oh, dancing in my pants? Yes. Oh. Hmm. I remember somebody when I recorded that, the head of BBC One said to me after, do you work out?

I mean, I'm skeletal. But anyway. Yes, i danced in my pants get over it no i've had um someone your gifts then i had um well i've had three gifts so far tea bags a mug and a kettle i think there's a theme oh yeah now were these given to you, are those all individual then? Not all at once, those presents? The tea bags and the mug, they were in the same cluster of gifts. Okay. From the same donator, is it? From the same donator of gifts. Gift giver.

The kettle, I have to say, was from one of my East European staff. of my East European staff. And, uh, which is very kind of her. So this is right geographically, isn't it? Well, it's East Europe. And she, um, she got me, I'll tell you what's amazing,

she got me a see-through electric kettle. Oh, that's fine. Oh, you've got to keep those tidy, though, Frank. Well, I mean, that's a good thing, I think. Because you've got to regularly de-scale it. You see, my partner will not allow any sort of chemical contact with the kettle. So the kettle gets so heavy on lime scale

that basically you can maybe boil half a cup of tea in it because it's just got an inner crust. Well, I've tried that when I've been around. It is a bit copper soup. Yeah, exactly. So the see-through, I've got to tell you, I love watching it boil. Oh, yeah. You know they say a white kettle never boils good.

Let's prolong the end. It's honestly, it's quite thrilling to watch it. The slow, little bit of movement in the water, then some bubbling

and then we're off. I would say I've got more excitement out of that. It's the same excitement I used to get from a see-through negligee. I'm getting through

a see-through kettle nowadays. How you've travelled in life. Yeah, it's really... And there's like a blue light that comes on, which makes the water look blue. Oh, the blanket sounds absolutely fantastic. You know, like a classic... You know light entertainment shows, they have that blue light?

Oh, yeah. It's like that. It's like watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, but in water form, if you can imagine that. With lower production values. It's slightly lower production. Honestly, I mean, the novelty will wear off, I dare say, but at the moment, I'm having cups of tea I don't really want.

I really would, just to use it, yeah. And it's lovely for a facial as well. Is that right? Yeah. Well, for the steam, you mean? Yeah, I do it sometimes. I wonder if any other to use it, yeah. And it's lovely for a facial as well. Is that right? Yeah. Well, for the steam, you mean? Yeah, I do it sometimes. I wonder if any other ladies out there do that. Is when I empty the dishwasher,

put my head into the dishwasher for a quick facial. Anyone else? Yes, Sarah does it on the show. I find that smell... I don't know what that smell is that comes off a dishwasher. I suppose it's the cleaning stuff. Yes, I love it. I don't want that in my lungs.

I sang all. Okay. No, no, no. Congratulations, well done on the kettle. I'm so pleased for you. Oh, I'm really, really pleased. It seemed like when I first got it, I thought it was a practical present,

but the see-through nature. My mum, I remember, used to dream, she used to say if she could have anything, she'd love a see-through teapot. So you could watch the pot, you could work out at what point the tea was drinkable and reach the right strength. So in a different generation, she'd have been on Dragon's Den with that and the rest would have been history. Yeah, I think it's fair to say we had smaller dreams in those days. Now people want bare minimum two TV series.

That's what they want. See through the teapot. You normally get a turkey at this time of year, don't you? As a gift? Um, what, receive one? Yeah, I thought you got that before. You asked for a turkey before from various productions you've worked with. No, I usually get a meat voucher.

I didn't get a meat voucher this year. Oh, okay. Okay, oh, shame. Yeah. Still, I usually get a meat voucher. I didn't get a meat voucher this year. Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, shame. Yeah. I mean, there's still time, I suppose, if anyone's listening, thinking, what are we going to... Oh.

Make a nice change from those bottles of champagne they send to taunt me every year. I just go and sit on my screen with them, just like that, to really push it to the old days. I'm going to press the button in a minute, but I had an out, and then I... Oh, did I ruin it? No, it's fine. Okay.

But now I feel I'm trapped in this. Do you want a tease? Listen, Frank, I'll tell you what we can go out on. What about a descaling tip? Come on. On Absolute Radio. I don't know any. Vinegar. Oh, 673 knows one. Boil a sliced lemon in your kettle. Great natural descaler.

That's Andrew from Watford. But does everything taste of lemon forever after that? I don't think so. I 1215. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. We've had a lot of kettle suggestions in.

Kettle suggestions? Yeah, well, you've been talking about kettles. For cleaning them, you mean? Yeah. A lot of people suggestions in. Kettle suggestions? Yeah, well, you've been talking about kettles. Well, for cleaning them, you mean. Yeah. A lot of people suggesting vinegar, aren't they, Al? Yeah, you know what? We've tried that, but... We've tried the vinegar.

What about Jeff? I find... Frank and Co. A small metal mesh ball or cylinder from the hardware shop left in the kettle attracts a lime scale and is then rinsed off. I'll try it. But, I mean, the thing is, now that I can see it emerging, I can get it early, and that's what it's all about with limescale.

Is it? Yeah. And how will you get it early? Will you just sort of rinse it out? Yeah, I'll use it. A toothbrush. A J-cloth. An old toothbrush.

How are you going to get it out? Elbow grease, that's what I'll use. Oh, yeah. All right. Fair enough. So the mug I've got is a list of the actors who have played Doctor Who.

That's a great present for you. For you. That's what that was meant. I want you to know that that was what she meant there. What, for you? For you. Not for her. Not a great present general. No. Like a catch-all. No, I see. You think the emphasis was on for you?

I'm afraid I think it was. You think it was in her mind? You think it was a four and a letter U? Well, you say in her mind. I am here and I can exclusively reveal that the cockerel is correct. Yes, okay. Well, but it doesn't include... And unusually, you have property.

It doesn't include John Hurt. Why? Oh, because he was on a radio play? No, because he's a war doctor. He doesn't get a number, but he was on a radio play? No, because he's a war doctor, so he doesn't get a number, but he's still a doctor. I find it, every time I... I think they know what they're doing, Frank.

Well, you say that. Well, I do say that. He's a proper doctor. He's bona fide. What about Paul McGann? Does he count as a doctor? Oh, yeah, definitely. Okay, cool.

I see. Calm down. If John Hurt saw that mug, I don't think he'd be that. John Hurt phoning his agent saying, what's going on? I'm not on the mug. Yeah, sorry about that, John Hurt.

What do you think I'd pay you for? I think he'd be furious. He's fine. He doesn't mind. Well, I wouldn't. If he came round our house, that would be staying in the cupboard. Let's just say that.

Exactly. Because he might... I think he said... I saw him the other day. He said he might come round to have a look at the kettle. Oh, did he? Yeah.

He says, let me know next time you're boiling. There will be people listening that think that's what show business is like. You and John Hurt showing each other stuff. That was too. And remember, everyone,

a dog is not just for Christmas. No. It's for, um... Well, what did you say? It's for New Year as well. It's about ten years. Get ten years out of one. Fifteen, I think. Sometimes you're lucky. Depends on what breed. How old is your dog? I think she's

six. Oh, you've got ages for that one. Yeah. We had an eighteen-year-old dog. Yeah. But, you know, deaf know deaf grey when they get deaf they're very good for surprising you know one of the great joys of pets is surprising them from behind as it were so he'd sit on the step um looking watching at birds and things like that and i was this ship or cow this is ship and i used to walk up behind him he'd gone deaf by then so I could just grab him like that

without having to pick it up on a thing it was great feel his little heart going like that they love it they love it I always feel rather sorry for Cal always the bridesmaid

it is it's true I mean Shep was the star of that family if I had a dog now you know what I'd call it though what? Grinnell's Barkley it's got everything hasn't it because they do Grinnell that is a good name for a dog now you know what i'd call it though what granol's barkley it's got everything hasn't

it because they do granol they do when they go now they do it quite barkley because they've always got a bit of bark in their voice that's a good time can i say great use of the phrase they do it quite barkley yeah so when they go now they do it barkley yeah oh man it's i mean that's you know what it's almost worth having a dog. One of your finest ideas. Because I think you would... Maybe I'll get one just for Christmas. You specifically.

Please, people, don't do that. No, no, I'm joking. You would enjoy retelling the thought process that went into you naming the... You don't get fed up with your own jokes, do you? No, never. That's what I'm saying. Never.

No, I would be aching for that moment in the park where someone would say, what's he called? He'd be the most warped dog in the postcode, wouldn't he? And then you'll say, have you got a table nearby? Because Frank needs to bang it

while he laughs at his own joke. What if they said to me, what's he called? I'd say, let's just sit on that bench and I'll tell you. Settle yourself down. Frank Skinner on the radio. I was speaking of another of my East European staff

was telling me that... We should explain to anybody that doesn't know that Frank runs a small building company as well, just on the side. She was saying, on the tea, tea is a gift, which seems to be this year's thing. You know, it was the Furby. It was a Furby one, you know, it's tea.

Yeah. That she got some pregnancy tea for a friend who's pregnant. I didn't know there was such a thing as pregnancy tea. I didn't. And I said, she said, you know, I said, have you got any pregnancy tea? And I said, did they say one lump or two? How did that go down? Nothing.

Really? Tough crowd. Nothing at all. Which is always frustrating. Did you say, did you repeat it? I hate it when you do that. I think I did. You bullied them into laughing.

No, she didn't. She wouldn't have it. Really? They won't be pushed. Respect. When I say they won't be pushed, I don't mean one lump lump or two i mean people who don't laugh at the joke yeah i must have told you when i went out with a woman who um

who uh lived in a place called bath court which was i'm sure it's very nice now but at the time was was a bit um a slightly scary scary block of flats sort of place. And I said to her, what puts me off Bath Court is the people who live there spend rather more time in the latter than they do in the former. That's very fine work. And she said, where's the latter? Assuming that that was the local pub of some kind. Oh, she didn't.

No, look, we're all God's children. I don't condemn her. I'm sure there are social circumstances, but I realise that we could never be. It's moments like that, isn't it? It's the flash frame moment. Yeah. When you think lovely, lovely eyes,

and then they say something like that, and you think, oh, maybe not. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's tough. I'm sure they say the same thing about me when I say I've got a mug with the names of all the Doctor Who actors except John Hurt on.

They think maybe it's time to move on. I got my wife a mug with my wife with the French on it in the summer. She was learning French and she's just got some French vocabulary on it. Oh, that's a good idea. I think learn from your mug is a good idea.

I've got a, I had a mug, I still have it, with ukulele chord shapes on it. Nice. Oh, that's a good idea. You're having a cup of tea and you think, oh, you mightn't have seven, I don't use that enough. Also, I wonder if the heat will make it memorable. Oh, maybe. The searing

heat will imprint it on your brain more. Maybe. You know, we've probably inadvertently started a texting about what educational-style mugs do you have in your home. Well, in fact, I have got a periodic table mug from the Science Museum, and I do know my periodic table quite well. That is good. OK.

Oh, my God. Frank Skinner on the radio. I went to the ABFC's place the other night. Did you? You should say for new readers. For new readers of the Archbishop of Canterbury. Who was Frank's neighbour for many years. Yeah.

That was a sitcom that never happened, and I would have loved that for one. Yeah, exactly. It would have been a bit like, I was timid. Yeah, it would have been like Never Mind the Quality, Feel the Width, which was about two tailors,

a Jewish one and a Catholic one. I always said me and David Baddiel should have made it as a sitcom. That would have been fun. He just looked at me when I suggested it. May I ask a question? You're friends with the Archbishop of Canterbury. I think I can officially say that he's correct.

Isn't that great? Are you friends with the individual man? And when a new Archbishop of Canterbury is appointed, you'll still stay friends with that man? Good question, Al. Or is it part of his role to be friends with you? Does Rowan Williams... Does Rowan Williams still get a Christmas card?

I see. So, like, when the Brigadier met the Doctor, played by John Pertwee... Let the Doctor see the Brigadier. Take me out. He'd first met him with Pat Troughton, and so they were still friends. Imagine if someone said that on Take Me Out, Frank.

Would you respect them more? If they said what? Let the doctor see the brigadier. I'd respect them more than hashtag orcs. Is it still on, that show? Oh, that'll be on forever. Oh, will it? Oh, God, yeah.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, so I was doing a reading at the ABFC's carol service. Oh. Well, this puts a different spin on it. Does it? Well, you're talent, aren't you? I mean, don't take this the wrong way. No.

You're having to sing for your supper, love. Well. Come on. I was already invited, and then this was an additional bit. But You're having to sing for your supper, love. Well. Come on. I was already invited and then this was an additional bit. But I don't mind singing for myself. Well, I had to read for myself out loud. They're getting their halfpennies worth. I was happy to do it. I got

Matthew 2. This time it's personal. Matthew 2.0. Yeah. And Matthew 2 is the Three Wise Men. Oh, I thought it was Bono and The Edge. And I like it.

I quite liked it. It's a good story, The Three Wise Men. I was happy with that. So do you rehearse it a lot, like in the mirror? No, not in the mirror. I read it a couple of times out loud. But to be honest, because it's not a Catholic event, I'm a bit less nervous.

If I was doing it for Cardinal Nichols, I'd be thinking, if I get this wrong, there's a possible excommunication always there, hanging over you. Imagine if you were doing it for Art Pontifex. I don't think you'd get through it with a nurse. Yeah, exactly. And also, my Spanish is not great.

How's your Latin? Is it alright? It's got bits. But it's got, you know, it's got a bit of everything. It's got astrology and deceit. There's a treasure chest in it. It's a great story. Did you get any laughs? I didn't get any laughs, but a couple of people said to me,

you know, that was very nicely read, except my partner, who I said, what did you think of the she said too loud which is anyone who listens to the show regularly will know this is a regular theme i was told off for clapping too loudly next to her at the circus so i mean it really is becoming what we are becoming georgia mildred oh man i you You know, I was talking last week on the show. She doesn't always listen to the show. She listens to bits.

It's hard with a child, fair enough. Of course. I was talking about the fact that I'd tried my first ever scented candle, having been given 50 and then basically re-gifted them. I actually ignited one in in my um in the privacy of my rooms i'm still loving your use of ignited it was all right it was actually all right and kath heard that bit on the radio and she said did you light a scented candle in your room and i said yeah she said And I said, yeah. She said, it'll kill you.

Is that true? I don't think so. It's obviously set me slightly on edge. She's obviously worried because it's 2016 and you're a celebrity. It's that. It's just everything's a hazard this year. That's what it is. Oh, God, don't say that.

I'm afraid something terrible's going to happen? Oh, anyway. That's it. Put a smile on everyone's face. That's our job. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cockrum. You can text the show on 8-12-50.

Thank you. You can Twitter on... Twitter on... Yeah, very good. And you can email the show. And what about emails? Do we still do those ones? Yeah. We still do emails.

Through the Absolute Radio website. Oh, yeah. Well done. And I think he might have cleared his mouth and he may be able to take the reins back now. Yes, I'm... Happy to help. Yes, I'm back. Thanks, everyone.

Thanks for helping me out, guys. It's okay. Well, I just heckled. Alan helped. Yeah, that's the way it goes. Yeah. That's the system. You can have a nice sip of your ginger beer now.

You like that, don't you? Oh, ginger beer and nuts, truly. God, it's like a picnic for you, this, rather than a work. Yeah, I tell you what, it's like a picnic in about 1978. Ginger beer, nuts. That's Christmassy, I think you'll agree. I know, people have sushi now, darling. Not at Christmas, do they?

Oh, I do. I tell you, you know you were saying you feel about people drinking oh no that's what laurie mcmhenamy said after gaza once swore on camera to all the norwegian people oh no um you know you were talking about how when people over and by but christmas it makes you feel somewhat resentful as someone who's... Well, I don't mind them drinking as long as they weren't in the way of the... Yeah, just generally. You meant when you were drinking,

it just made you feel they were a bit Johnny-come-lately. I feel that a bit about smoked salmon. Oh. I'm aware this isn't doing much for my woman-of-the-people reputation. No, such as it is. Yes, exactly. I do enjoy it throughout the year. It's my small indulgence, and I love it.

Come Christmas, I can't get hold of it. If there's any smoked salmon dealers out there, give me a call. I'll pay top rate. Yeah, I do think of it as a Christmas thing. Oh, it very much is now. People do. Another swig of the old ginger beer there. Frank.

He's not. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas, Al, without a little mention of Kim Jong-un. Oh, friend of the show. Kim Jong-merily on high. He's not quite a friend of the show, but he's still got everything to play for. I think he is.

I mean, he's not... He's one of those unpleasant friends that's quite good to know, I think. You know? You know, it's always good to know somebody really hard like it's like that isn't it? It's like my boxing coach is it? I'm quite glad he's in my life let's medically leave it like that

Cajun we could call him Cajun yeah like Cajun he's got himself into a little bit of trouble he's not that like Frank Spencer overall, though, is he? No, this is true. Go on, then. Who did he fall

out without? His staff, didn't he? He sort of, he ordered all of his... Military elders, I believe they were called. All of his military people to stay up all night. Didn't they have to write him a letter? He was furious with them.

I'm quite obsessed by this story, because, as you know, I'm obsessed by Kim Jong-un. Yeah, he's amazing. Oh, Jess is in black now all the time as well. With the narrow collar. Is he wearing the narrow collar? Does he favour, I believe? Sometimes, but he really loves the black outfit.

I like the idea that he sings Man in Black by Johnny Cash. Ha-ha! Tall and old. He was staying at... Contra the Voice, apparently. Oh, that's the show. He was staying at his villa. Oh, yeah.

And I think this was quite... This might have been September, October, but news... You have to bear with us because news takes a while to filter out of there. That's right. And he shouted at the military elders. He was a little drunk, is the theory.

He was a little drunk. Allegedly, let's say that. He was a little drunk. He was a little drunk. Allegedly, let's say that. He said that none of you were able to produce not even one military satellite. It's a misconduct that's commensurate to treason. Is that what he said? Yes, I believe so. Don't quote me on that, though.

No. And then he made them stay up all night. And did they have to write a letter of apology? I think they wrote a letter to him. They had a choice, didn't they? They had to write either a letter of apology or a list of their weaknesses. Who says there's no choice

in North Korea? Yeah. Yeah, obviously. What would you go for? He's not as strict as he used to be. Would you go for weaknesses? And what would those weaknesses be? I'd go for a list of weaknesses. I consider that would be a good thing if we all did that. It'd be quite a healthy thing. I wouldn't

hand that in to him though. I'd rather give him a letter of apology. He might use it against you. I've got a really sore Achilles heel. What's getting kicked next? I wonder. Exactly. Imagine if Frank made us do that, Al. Also, if one of your weaknesses was thinking he was an idiot.

Even if you said, I wrongly think that the honourable leader is an idiot. That'd be a bad thing. Don't hand that in. You're just saying, look, I'm not... Don't hand that in. That's my advice.

I'll be fine. I'll be fine. No, honestly, honestly, trust, Don't have nanny, that's my advice. I'll be fine. I'll be fine. No, honestly, honestly, I'm... Trust, don't have nanny. I wonder how many crossings out were on these lists. He's probably got experts working on the crossings out as we speak. They burst into tears of relief because they thought they were going to be purged. Yeah.

And he then woke up the next morning and he had amnesia. It all went a bit Central Reservation. He completely forgot. He couldn't remember. So he apparently said, why are you gathered here? Be careful about your health because you are all old. Yeah. That's what that producer says to us every week, Frank.

Yeah. So yeah, and they began crying. It's a lovely scene. It said, the military men began crying, a reaction which pleased Kim, according to onlookers. Well, there's a lot of presumption going on here. We don't know whether Kim was pleased or not. Let's not put words in Kim's mouth.

But I'm liking the fact that he's living high on the hog since he's got this job. They said at one meal he claims he had ten bottles of wine. Of Bordeaux. Fantastic. I think he came across the old traditional Western song Ten Green Bottles and mistook it for a recipe. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 10 green bottles and mistook it for a recipe.

We're in North Korea. Yeah, we've been talking about Kim Jong-un. So what's happened is the military elders, they've woke up, they've written the apology letters. They've looked up. They've looked up. They've seen Kim Jong-un. They've hit the ball. Yeah. They've been spared the purge.

And, but Kim Jong-un is baffled as to why they're there. Because he's forgot. We've had mornings like that. Yeah. What are you doing here? Great. But it is interesting, this boastful thing, which I quite like because it is a bit like the rappers with Kim Jong. But it is interesting, this boastful thing, which I quite like, because it is a bit like the rappers with Kim Jong. Apparently this is something of a cultural tradition.

His father was like this as well. Would tell... I mean, you know, I'm sorry, Kim. I do respect you, and obviously, you know... Do you? Well, there's... As a friend of the show. As a friend of the show.

But I'm not entirely convinced some of these boasts are true. I mean, he said he could drive a car at age three. Yes. Well, he could if he wanted to. Who'd actually stop him? Yeah. But you don't want to catch his eye if you see him out in the car. Don't walk if you're a lift.

You know, you're all right. Get in. I mean, I dare say he's not the kind of character at three to worry about the paperwork. He wouldn't have been sat there going, but I haven't even got my provisional yet. He could drive anywhere he liked. His dad was the exalted ruler.

Yeah, exactly. Kim Jong-il. Well, he lied as well. He probably had a go at it. He said at nine he won a very prestigious yacht race. And then he also said he scaled the 9,000 foot high mountain wearing an overcoat and leather dress shoes. Yeah, but it said... I like the detail.

Why are you describing? It said that he climbed, it said in the Daily Mail, he climbed a 9,000-foot mountain wearing only an overcoat and leather dress. It's like Top Cat. A stripper gram. That's a night out that went wrong, isn't it? That's how he got his name, that someone stumbled across him and the wind blew his overcoat.

They said, oh, it's Kim Jong-un. Why did he wear leather dress shoes to climb the mountain? Well I think he was probably, he was coming back from a party. Yeah, walk of shame He lost his way. He got lost. Like that mate of mine who was walking back drunk

from somewhere and he suddenly he got dehydrated. He got lost and then very thirsty and had a panic that he was going to get dehydrated and die because he was quite drunk. And he started licking a car windscreen that had condensation on and the alarm went off and he had to run off.

You and your Peter Houston off anecdotes. There's a lot of stuff on a car windscreen you really don't want to be licking. No. A lot of insect bites. In many ways, that climbing of Mount Piktu was Kim Jong-un's version of your Central Reservation. He probably didn't know how he got there. I like the idea that he did it.

I really do, that. It's like when Idi Amin was the undisputed heavyweight champion of Uganda. I mean, there's undisputed and there's really undisputed. Don't dispute that, is my advice. I mean, he's absolutely

living the life. What if it's all true, though, and we in the West just mock? What if he is just one of those guys? He's a talent. What if he's just a sort of multi and we in the West just mock? What if he is just one of those guys? He's a talent. What, he's just a sort of multi-talented Renaissance man? Yeah, if he's really, really brilliant, like Orson

Wells or something. Yeah. I mean, it's unlikely, but... No, we don't know. Because there's a lot... Obviously, he gets a lot of bad press over here. He does. Apparently, the father, Eel, he used to suggest that he'd invented the hamburger, I believe. Did he?

I think that's correct, yes. Wow. And again, that was a strange boast. I mean, given that you can tell any lie you want. But I like that. I like that their boasts have got a bit of a... They're not like about, you know, I met this bird in Seoul. Yeah.

They're about inventing the hamburger. I could drive a car when I was three, you know, I met this bird in Seoul. Yeah. They're about inventing the hamburger. I could drive a car when I was three, that stuff. Brilliant. Sorry, Miss Jackson. Kim Jong Il. He wrote that song. That's what he'll tell people. He wrote that?

Oh, yeah, I wrote that. That'd be another brilliant... I mean, you could just write about anything if you were here. That's another brilliant brag. Yeah. Kim Jong Un claimed that he'd written, sorry, Miss Jackson. As if he's ever said sorry in his entire life or anything.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word. He wrote that. But if you... I would like to see him doing a face-off with Elton with those tight suits, straining. Oh, man. What about if one of the elders had said, liar, liar, liar, liar, pants on fire.

Oh, no, actually, I'm on fire. Frank Skinner on the radio. We were discussing not-so-Lil Kim. Yeah. Shall we call him that? Yeah. Kim Jong. And his, um...

I don't know, I don't want to call them lies. Burst. Let's call them bursts. I want to keep the lines of communication open with him. Yeah, let's call them bursts. Burstful. Boast. Boastful.

I think the trouble is when people get a reputation for lying, you don't believe anything they say and I think there's probably a bit of truth amongst Kims here and there. Yeah, I think he once wore some leather dress shoes. Yeah. I lied when I was younger

and I stopped doing it because it ended in tears, usually my own. Oh, really? And working with Frank Skinner helps. Yeah, he's got an honesty policy. Oh, honesty. And I told so many strange lies when I was

younger. I said, I mean, pointless lies as well. I said I watched Life of Brian and I hadn't. And then I said I'd seen it and everyone said, how did you see it? It's a double A. This was in the days with I remember the double A had to be 14.

And I thought on my feet, Frank, and I said my parents hired a projector. Which of course is not out of the question. And this is pretty weird, obviously. And I went into great detail about the lie. But the stress it caused me, the projector, and then I had to and then I thought if those people ever meet my parents i had to say to my parents say that we hired a projector and i saw

you know i tried to include them in the lie don't lie well i don't say you've seen films if you haven't oh that is a really tempting thing to do though i i think i've i still occasionally do that do you yeah i'm pretty sure i've done it on this show. One of my problems now, as I've gone into the midst of middle age, is some films I'm not 100% whether I've seen them or not. No, you are, Frank. I just want to keep in with the people. No, honestly, I look back and, you know, it's been a long time ago since things like Total Recall.

Yeah. Ironically. Yeah. That's true. Do you know, it's been a long time ago since things like Total Recall. Yeah. Ironically. Yeah. That's true. Do you know what? I couldn't actually tell you whether I'd seen that film. Well, there you go. It's one of those films.

Also, with the... Donald Schwarzenegger with green lasers in his eyes. Oh, I saw Rogue One yesterday. Did you? Absolutely brilliant. Early. You're early to see that, aren't you? What's that?

Star Wars? Yeah. I think it is Star Wars. Yeah. Star Wars, yeah. Star Wars. It's fantastic. Did you like it? It's the longest I've been excited.

Oh, don't say that. It's disgusting. Disgusting. I was excited for about two and a half hours. Yeah, really. That's impressive, a man of your age. I know. I was in... Honestly, it never... There's no lapses in it. Yeah. Isn't there? It's brilliant. Anyway, that's the reviews out of the way. I remember seeing

that. I'm confident. Yeah, it was yesterday. I should hope so. You remember it like it was yesterday. I do, actually. I do. It was... I tell you, sometimes, if someone says, do you watch so-and-so, this is what you miss out on, fortunately, with the box set issue. Because obviously you eschew the box set, but the American box set.

Yes. Alan and I are box setters. Yeah. And sometimes I'll start watching something on the Netflix, I won't make it through to the end. Yeah. But if people say, do you watch that? Yes, I say.

And then they'll say, oh, so did you get to the end of season one? I might say yes. Occasionally. I know. Well, the only American box set I've ever bought, I think, is The Sopranos. Oh, I hated that. I watched the first seven episodes of that. Worst show ever made?

Yeah. I think after watching the first seven episodes, I decided it was the worst show ever made. So did I. I've told you, I've said on this show before, and I got probably about 420 abusive emails. Oh, did you? In that case, I take it back. It's not the worst show I've ever made.

No, I said they were a bit like, I just felt they were caricatured, and I felt it was a bit like the Dormio family. I thought they were on that level of subtlety. I thought it was that good. the D'Almeo family. I thought they were on that level of subtlety. I thought it was that good. I'd happily watch a box set. If they made a TV show of the D'Almeo family, I'd be genuinely interested to watch it.

But we did discuss this out and said it was basically an old man watching a slightly older man eating pizza. Hey, Tony! Come on! What you doing? No, yeah. But, you know, some people like it, but some people like all sorts of stuff.

I think if you watch Seven Eps, that's where you're giving it a fair crack of the whip. But I already bought the box, that's the trouble. Did you like it, Al? Yeah, I thought it was good. Well, there you go. Two-one. I'm afraid they lose.

So I've got a box set. If anyone wants it, just write in and you can have my Sopran a box set if anyone wants it just write in and you can have my Sopranos box set you're allowed to do that? you can do that can't you? just do a competition for your possessions it's not a competition

you can just have it, I don't want it are you going to divvy it out? first come first served? yeah, I'll pick the one that's the least posted better have a look at the emails I might have gone a bit crazy and bought two seasons Yeah. Oh, OK. I'll pick the one that's the least posted. Better have a look at the emails. Can I? I might even have to. I might have gone a bit crazy and bought two seasons in...

Oh, don't do that. Oh, yeah. I've already done that, so they can have that. Double box. Yeah. It's yours. I don't want it in the house anymore. I've got coasters.

Frank Skinner on the radio. I mean, well done. You've lit up the switchboard Frank with your Sopranos DVD that you don't want giveaway as I'm going to

call it now my box set oh yeah Frank Skinner swap shop that's what it is oh well I don't have anything back

there's been no offer of anything back what I don't have back is space yeah from in your tiny home that needs to get rid of one DVD.

Exactly. I lied about that as well once when I was younger. I said we had 18 bedrooms. Why did I say that? I'd so easily get found out. What about my mate at school that got a little sister

called Tricia? And I hadn't got a little sister, but I felt a bit bad I hadn't got one, so I said, I've got a little sister as well felt a bit bad I hadn't got one so I said I've got a little sister as well he said

what's her name I said Trisha the worst lying of all time anyway I mean how could you get out of that one

I know we accepted it you know Trisha he was naive he'd be good in Austria he was actually

Steve naive he was naive from He'd be good in Austria. He was actually Steve naive. He was naive from halfway line, I thought. Please tell me what these people have been... So, basically, I can see at least two or three now, Frank. OK. Well, the earliest one I've got is Dave saying, Hi, Frank, not sure if you're serious or not. Me neither.

But I'll take you up on the offer of a free box set. Address is below and it's Salisbury. So it's probably not very expensive to post. No, I should think absolute. Will absolute cover it? Have they got a franking machine? You know what? I'll cover it.

I'll cover it. I'll cover the postage. There you go. There you go. It's sorted. There you go, mate. I'll flash Harry over there. Has he sent his... Is he just going to put this on eBay?

Put it that way. I'm doing all right. There is his address, but I'm not going to read out the person's address. No, don't read out his address. I'm going to cover the postage. I'll cover the cost of it. Frank, it's like when I let off a stink bomb at school. Oh.

It was collective responsibility. Frank's donated the box set. I'm covering the postage. I said it might Frank, we'll all, it's like when I let off a stink bomb at school. Oh. It was collective responsibility. Frank's donated the box set. I'm covering the postage. I said it might be too. I've got an idea. Well, there is a second one. Alan, what's your contribution to this? Um. Can you put in a signed photo? Support? Okay. Verbal support?

I don't want anything that makes it like what happens on a radio show. I'm just trying to get him involved, Frank. It's just a box set of The Sopranos. Possibly two if I've got another one. There is another contender here, though, Frank. Oh, we've just had another one in 415. Jeff has texted.

Oh, no, not even 415. At the same time as Dave texted, Jeff texted. I can't cope with them all. Frank, no postage. I live near you. Give me The Sopranos. Yeah, but I don't want to give them to someone who lives near me in case they see that as the ramp to friendship.

Well, I tell you what. Bad luck, Geoff. Cooper has thrown a right old spanner in the works. Cooper? I could take those Sopranos box sets off you at the Albion game tonight. Just think of the postage money saved. Yeah, but I can't walk into the Albion with two Soprano box sets.

What do you think I was trying to say? Well, you walk in with Adrian Charles enough times. Yeah, but there's a difference. Oh, but we've got a possible game changer here. Frank, box set equals charity shop equals the start of your charity work. Yeah, I mean, I was slightly like, I have done a bit of charity work in the past you don't

want to talk about it mate no i once took a scarf into oxfam oh yeah um i um no i think that dave i've sort of promised them today okay so thanks to all the others we've had we're having some more in as well when i'm looking for the sopranos if i see any other american box sets i don't think i will i'm going to be honest with you but if i do i mean obviously i'm holding on to bonanza yeah yeah i don't count that but um yes okay lovely that's sorted out with sarah i've seen that as the beginning of my spring cleaning lovely yeah next week the suits. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. People want your suits now.

No, I'm holding on to the suits. That was horseplay. OK, well, Taxi Joe has just said, Frank, if you're clearing the suits out, can I have the blue one you wore on the London leg of one man in a suit? It was nice. So, you know what? There was a compliment in there. I thought I'd pass it on.

I'm happy with that. You had to declare it for the whole run, didn't you? I wouldn't want that one. No, I think I intermingled. I'd want one of the suits that was worn once on TV and then left. That's it with the suits. I'm keeping them. I'd want one of the suits that was worn once on TV and then left. That's it with the suits. I'm keeping them. I've given away. The tone of voice has all gone a bit

Russell Grant when the scenery fell over. If they had a long hem, I could get them taken down and I could probably wear a suit of your size, couldn't I? You two could never swap clothes. No, you're right. You did have some nice knitwear on. I mean, if one of you committed a murder

and there was some alibi thing going on and you needed to make a quick getaway, it's not going to work. I'm just flagging that up. Because you can't swap clothes. If they made a life-size model of Alan, I could operate him from within. That's the difference in our size.

Even a hospital porter's gown, a very basic disguise, wouldn't work. I think we could swap one of those. Really? Yeah. Got a lot porter's gown. A very basic disguise wouldn't work. I think we could swap one of those. Really? Yeah. Got a lot of leeway. I don't like the bare back on the hospital gown. Why do they do that? I'd rather like that. I don't like

the knotted linen drafting against the bare back. I mean, you know, you're worried as it is without making you look ridiculous. Yeah. Still, I suppose they're saving on material. We've all done it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a whatever happened to texted in as well.

There's a lot of people requesting your possessions. Any good? Yeah, 837 has texted, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, Whatever happened to toffee hammers? Have I done that before? Have you? I think I have.

Well, this chap says, I've never owned one until recently when a friend bought me a bar of toffee with a hammer. I'm now in my 43rd year and that was the first time I'd ever used one. I seem to think... Is that the wrong way round, though? Why?

Because surely it should be a toffee hammer that he had in childhood and now there are no more. This would be a new thing. Where were they hiding? Yeah, yeah. I'll give you a Whatever Happened To. Whatever Happened To. Andrew's liver salts.

Yes. Are you aware of those? I was aware of those. It was the first white powder to really become popular in this country. And what I remember about it in particular, it used to come in a

lovely jar with a very satisfactory lid. I love a satisfactory lid. Was it not dissimilar to a paint lid? When it fitted it was a real beautiful. And I remember what it used to say on the side of the tin. It used to say, two spoons in a glass of water

for stomach and digestive problems. Fair enough. Or just one spoonful in a glass of water for a refreshing drink. Oh. And I thought there were very few medicines that you could have a bit less and suddenly

it's fun. I like that. I like the idea of penicillin as just a refresher. Yeah. Exactly. A shot of penicillin or half a shot for a little bit of a tonic. Yeah, but it was good and I used to drink it like that.

It was like, you know, have you ever had bad war? Yes. It had that kind of slightly, some of the mineral water, the sparkling minerals were a bit salty. I don't like it too minerally. Now, that was what you got from your Andrew's liver salts. Oh, I don't like that. No idea what it was.

But can you still get them in their distinctive white tin? I'll bet. I'd like to know if there's anyone out there. I remember those because my grandmother had a lot of those. No offence. Along with Slim Sea Bread, which was the slimming bread, you may recall. But if there's any pharmacist listening,

I would love to know if you can still get Andrew's livers. If you have, if you can, this Christmas I am going to have some as a refreshing drink. I look forward to that. Imagine if you ordered that in the Ivy or something. On the rocks, sir? You know these posh ones can get you anything. You can have Andrews, but

as a refreshing drink, mind. Mind. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us.

People do on 8, 12, 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio. Where be? Yes. Can I just say a couple of quick thank yous? I've had this morning from Caroline Wilson. You might remember Caroline.

She sent in the idea of Polish name day cards. Oh, excellent. Well, she's also knits. She's got knits? No, no, she's not got knits. Otherwise she could have the Rolls Rice of knit combs. Which I bought a couple of weeks ago.

She sent me a semi-cashmere scarf and hat, which would have been lovely, but it's for a teddy bear. Okay. It's a West Brom scarf and hat for a teddy bear. We have teddy bears in the house.

Sure you do. Thank you for that, Caroline. I shall customise one when I get the opportunity. Excellent. I'd also like to, I don't even know who this came from, but someone sent me a really fabulous book, which I'd recommend as a Christmas gift. Yes.

It's called Looking Good, A Visual Guide to the Nun's Habit. Oh, yes, I know who that is. I'm going to get you. If you hold the line, please call. I should say it's a collaboration between the theologian Veronica Bennett and the illustrator Ryan Todd.

Now, you might think, oh, that's old-fashioned. It's a lovely book. But I'll tell you what it is. It shows you the different colours and styles of nuns' habits, but it's in a really groovy, modern design classic book. So it's a beautiful... If you know any Catholics or people that just like weird stuff,

I would get them this book. I recommend it. Bringing Habits Back. Never mind sexy, Timberlake. I might look into that. Bringing Habits Back. I was surprised. You know, someone has said to me,

there's a book about non-habits, and I thought, well, you know, I'll like it, but it's not... Right. But it's groovy. We'll put it on our website. Wide access material. No, it's a beautiful thing. While we're doing a round of thank yous, I'd like to offer a big round of applause for the police. Oh, it on our website. Wide access material. No, it's a beautiful thing.

While we're doing a round of thank yous, I'd like to offer a big round of applause for the police. Oh, it's all right. Oh, sorry, I thought you were going to thank me. Big round of applause for the police. Come on, for the police. Now, we've had so much info on... Was that a little Graeme Norton impression?

That was funny. In that vicinity. We've had so much information through on Andrew's liver salts, Frank. Is it still available? 721, Andrew's liver salts now in plastic containers. Wow. Lots of people reffing the plastic nature of them now. That's a shame about that tin.

But even so, I can still get it. If I need a refresh, I can have it as a refreshing drink over Christmas. Well, yeah, 886 has said, new plastic pot, still a good refreshing drink. Well, they've then added question marks. I think they're saying, is it still a good refreshing drink? I'm not sure it is. I'm not sure it is.

We've had a text saying that it's a good hangover cure. Yeah. From Celia in Halifax. That's a lot of good to me, isn't it? Please drink responsibly. I found that the best hangover cure was Perna. Did you? Yeah.

Adam in Chingford has texted, Morning, guys. Frank, you can still get Andrews because I'm delivering them right now. I'm a medical courier. Shut up. I'm a medical courier, so it does sound quite medicinal. And I have some in a bag right now. I'm a medical courier. Shut up. I'm a medical courier, so it does sound quite medicinal. And I have some in a bag right now. Want to trade it for

a box set. Hold on a minute. Is he racing across town on a motorbike with Andrew's liposome? I hope he's not texting whilst on the bike. Someone who really, really needs a burp. So he's... Because it's not, you know, you see when people carry blood,

but I didn't think there was... No. I've never seen the liver salts. They're now called original Andrew salts. Oh, OK. They've taken the liver out of there. Oh, yes. Yeah. So they don't mention liver anymore.

No. That's probably some... Probably doesn't do anything for your liver and so they've had to take that off. Well, not just that. It's not very bringing sexy back, is it? Have you got them liver salts? Oh, Frank. Well, we often do. Come on. We just

call it Andrews. I could do with a glass of Andrews. I'm so going to order that in the Ivy and see what happens. Try it. I'm worried that some question mark... Come on, Frank, I'm going to order it as a chaser. But there's a question mark about it no longer being a refreshing drink.

I think there is, yeah. Health and safety gone mad. Frank Skinner on the radio. 353 has texted, we used to add orange squash to Andrews because our parents wouldn't buy Fanta. Oh. Necessities.

Rather depressing. We used to have Nesquik, but in water sometimes. Oh, yeah. Times were hard. Do you remember the old soda stream? Oh, yeah. Do you have one of those? Yes, and we'd put Ribena in it because my parents wouldn't buy us

all the stuff you were meant to have in it. I spoke to a man from the Ray Harryhausen Appreciation Society the other night, and he was telling me that he used to, him and his brother, you know they used to come in like little containers, the stuff the gel stuff that you mix with the water, they used to drink

those like shots just drink a mead, like what was the name of the gorilla who drank Kambuka five litres of... And then he went absolutely postal. Exactly. As anyone would.

Yeah. Purple wee, purple wee. That's the song I'd be playing for him. Yeah. If you're wondering where I met someone from the Ray Harry House, I went to the screening of the Doctor Who Christmas special the other night. Did you?

Yes. Very exciting. How was that, darling? It was lovely. I very much enjoyed the Christmas special, I must say. What do they do for the special? Do they put tinsel on the screwdriver or something? How do they make it?

That's basically it. There's a bit of snow in it. Some years they have Santa in it and stuff. Because I've got a bit of a thing, Frank, which is I don't like it when they say Christmas special and there's nothing Christmassy about it. Okay. Do they have a party in the TARDIS?

I can't say anything about it, really. It's not as Christmassy as some of the Doctor Who Christmas specials. It's not like the 18. They'd have a Christmas dinner, except B.A. Baracus would have a flute of milk, because he didn't like alcohol. Oh, he didn't like this, and he didn't like that. But he put the milk

in the champagne glass and toasted the milk. Nice. I like my milk in a carafe. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, I can like my milk in a carafe. Yeah. Yeah. I don't quite remember what a carafe is, but... It's a sort of a... Is it like a little decanter thing for show?

Yes, a serving vessel for wine, I would say. Oh, lovely. I'm thinking cherry. Yeah, it was good. And it means, though, I don't have to watch it on Christmas Day. I was going to ask you that. Well, I'd like to, but... I find, though, anything I't have to watch it on Christmas Day. I was going to ask you that. Well, I'd like to, but I find, you know, anything I want to watch on the

telly, Kath usually wants to watch something on either side about somebody with a big cyst. Oh, she's quite an embarrassing bodies fan. No offence. Which she likes. I hope you'll take that in the way it was meant for. Some should be taken there.

Yes, and I've picked that up and I've run with it. Yes, and I've picked that up and I've run with it. Yes, my partner is quite an embarrassing, but not as big a fan as I wish she was. Now, as it's getting perilously close to Christmas time, that sounds negative, and I'm actually really looking forward to it. I'm feeling very Christmassy, Frank. Not long now. But I get intrigued by a study to Christmas time. That sounds negative. And I'm actually really looking forward to it. I'm feeling very Christmassy, Frank. Not long now. But I get intrigued by a study near Christmas time,

particularly one on board games. Because did you see there was a study on board games which was talking about people's concentration levels during board games and how you can potentially distract them and steal a victory. Now, you may not have known this but did you know that specifically men if you play acdc i don't know why it's specifically one track i believe

called thunderstruck okay if you play this this will distract a man i don't know whether this is to do with multitasking they tested it out on people playing the board game Operation. We should say that this survey, it's about the effect that music has on concentration. Because, you know, some people, when they study or work or whatever, they say, oh, I can't do it in silence. I'm doing this voice because it's usually stupid people. I can't do it in silence.

I need to have some music on. Is it a bit Wayne Rooney needing to leave the telly on all night? It's a bit like that. Does it? Yeah. Yes, and the hairdryer sometimes. The hairdryer's left all night. Well, he just needs noise all the time.

Gazza has the telly on. I think you'll find the hairdryer's just left in a bin there. Mm. What, no way to speak about Alex Ferguson? Yeah. That's a very good joke, thank you. It was, yeah.

You'd think a radio on FM or like on... Why do they need noise all the time? Well, some people, you know, we're all different. OK. But, yeah, so it was a... I think, essentially, it sounds extremely trivial, but it won a science... Royal College of Music and Imperial College London.

It won an award for Scientifically rigorous research Wow And it's something I've often wondered about Because I can't really read Or do any work with music on anymore Me neither But I used to be able to In my hip hop period

Oh I hated that period I remember once my personal assistant Came in to go through some Letters and stuff And she started to go Oh, I hated that period. I remember once my personal assistant came in to go through some letters and stuff, and she started to go, started to blush. And I realised that I'd got hardened to the amount of bad language and, let's say, vivid remarks that were on the hip-hop. There's a lot of hip-hop at the gymnasium that I attend

and I often find myself muttering, language, Timothy. Yeah. Often. I think they should do that. You know when you have to take swear words out of a song on the radio, that's what they should use, a little thing that comes in and goes,

language, Timothy. Yeah, so... So, yeah, but I... what I was astonished to read this, the thing that stuck in my mind aside from the board games which we'll come back to is that it says in operating theatres yes

they did a survey of this that music is played 72% of the time in operating theatres I find that astonishing do you what that would worry me a bit i think well the results of this given the light of the in the light of these survey results it worries me let's hope it's not i assume it's organ music very good thanks very much all sorts of surgeons very good and it says that people operate quicker if you play hip-hop. Particularly, I imagine, if it's a hip-hop.

Yeah. But not necessarily. No, but they honestly said that if you play hip-hop. I mean, do you want them to operate quicker? 8, 12, 15. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Just have a chocolate, Frank. Oh, well, while we do that... Because I can, because I work out.

What was your late eureka moment earlier on where you actually realised... Band-Aid. Oh, a Band-Aid. That's ridiculous, though. I know. I'm a fool. But I still love you. Don't feel too much of a fool. Someone's emailed, at 38 years old, I realised this week that breakfast is break fast.

The shock. Oh, okay. I can imagine that feeling. Quite a big moment. Yeah. Yeah. Good. See, it can happen to anyone.

Yeah. We'll be talking about operations this morning on Absolute Radio. Ask her to make me a cambrick shirt. That's lovely, Frank. Thanks. You sing that beautifully. Thanks very much. So Richard from St. Alb Frank. Thanks. You sing that beautifully. Thanks very much. So Richard from St. Albans...

Yeah? ...says, when I had my hip-hop, I could hear loud opera echoing down the corridor. Hip-hop opera? To the anaesthetic room. Oh, really? I think there is a thing that classical music helps the concentration, don't they reckon?

This is fascinating. There's lots of people saying, our daughter was born by C-section, Oasis were playing in the background. Not in the room, I hope. Those mischievous mop tops. They want to come straight out of secondary smoking. I want that and the sunshine. But the odd thing is, for all this

operation stuff, the board game that they used to experiment was operation. So they used to experiment was Operation. They've tied it all together. Which, fascinating fact, because I can remember this, the original Operation, I wasn't around for that, I believe that was the 60s, in fairness, I wasn't born then, even I. Was it that old, the game?

Yeah, and I'm obsessed by the board game Operation. Are you? Yes, I always have been. And the man who invented it got paid something like $50, and then they ended up, I think it's worth millions now. It's worth a lot of money because it's one of the best-selling board games. Anyway, the point is, the original operation on the cover of the board game, the surgeon was smoking in the operating theatre.

Glory days! Really? That's smashing. And the ash was sort of going all over the patient. Imagine that scalpel. Forceps. Ashtray. Didn't they wear a mask, though? Yeah, they wore a mask.

You just pull it down? But he had it pulled down. Oh, OK. Pull it down, have a fag. This is a whole text in its own right. We've got a lot of people with music always being put under anaesthetic. They had Stairway to Heaven playing, a bit disconcerting.

No, that is a bit... I wouldn't like that at all. 631 has said, I worked as a motorcycle courier years ago. A lot of those this morning. Would listen to heavy metal, which I found made me ride quicker and filter more aggressively, so more deliveries. Yeah, I think driving, the music can change. Yeah.

I find if I play Quincy Jones Orchestra's theme from Ironside, I drive in a much more laid-back fashion. It does affect your driving. I sometimes put a bit of classical on. I love a show tune. Evita the other day. They had at lunch, I'd switch it off and listen to Nature in the Park.

Motorcycle courier listening to Nature in the Park. Helm it off. What sort of nature? Presumably. Just the sounds. Just the sounds of birds and trees. I thought that was a band I hadn't heard of. Oh, no, it was Small End, not Capital End.

It was a couple of guys from Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark. Nature in the park. I know, I know. It's serious, Frank. Yeah. No, that's... Someone else had an operation to remove a growth from behind their ear the other day.

I'm sorry to hear that, mate. Sorry to hear that, mate. Hope you're on the mend. As it was delayed, I opted for local anaesthetic. I walked into the operating theatre and was operated onto road rage by catatonia. Wow. That's Adrian.

So it is. I thought this was a... I didn't know it happened at all. It turns out it happens everywhere. It's commonplace. Well, me nah, no. French Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not.

There must be some mistake. We were talking about operations, the real ones with people and ones with... He's got a name, hasn't he, the operation person? Yes, he's called Sam Cavity. Sam Cavity. If I've got that right, I think I have. That could be my specialist subject on Mastermind. Was he a theatre cat at any point?

I don't know, but very good. It's based, I mean, it's... Have you played it often? I mean, I played it so often. The Wishbone was my particular speciality, and the Breadbasket, but there were revisions over the years. But I love it, and I think the reason I love it is it involved

tweezers, and I'm good with those. Right. I've had experience. I think women are better at operation had experience I think women are better at operation because I think we're better at multitasking but also they spend a lot of time using tweezers to take hairs off men's lapels and then

put them under microscopes which is very delicate work this is also true I always felt it was a bit of a rip-off operation of those fairgrounds Strange things you get upset about You know those fairground machines It's hard to say this on the radio

but with the wibbly wobbly wire and then you had to go around it and not touch it It was based on that When you say rip-off we in the operation fan community prefer homage Oh, okay

Right Yes, okay, it's an homage. I'm terrible at both of those games. Have you played that game recently, the old fairground one? Yeah. Still really hard. I think about a year ago I played that game, so it depends on recent, but a man of my years,

I think that's recent, yeah. But it's still hard. It's not like something, as you get older, you get better at it. No. In fact, I would imagine there's a decline in ability. I saw Abu Hamza playing it once. He was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Brilliant. Didn't use that. Didn't use the thing, just hooked it. Someone had a procedure recently with absolute radio playing in the background. Really? Yes. What about if someone's been operated on now

and they can hear this? Ask what procedure they had. They had a vasectomy. I feel this is more your area, so I'll let you say. Long-time reader had vasectomy with Absolute Radio in the background. Oh, imagine that. Well, I think we've all been slightly emasculated by Absolute Radio. Well, I hope it went well.

Have you got a name for that, man? No, but there's several vasectomy texts coming in now. Oh, lovely. Who'd have thought? Frank Skinner on the radio. I tell you what, my mother-in-law bought some tweezers. My mother-in-law. My mother-in-law.

I said, can I smell? Anyway, she bought some tweezers. Were they the proper? I mean, I like my tweezers to be so sharp. No, she bought, these are big tweezers. And you know what? She bought them for taking... Do you know when toast gets trapped

in the toaster? It's a tongue, isn't it? You're going... You're straying into peak tongue area. Maybe it's... Maybe it's... Maybe there's an element

of tongue about it. I mean... But it's like... It does feel like operation when you get in the... Yeah. ...get in the toaster. With the added little

zhuzh of electrocution. Yes. Which you don't really get with Operation. Well, you know, the reason for this, behind this survey, well, not the reason behind the survey, but the findings suggest that the reason men are unable to concentrate as well when they're listening to ACDC is that they experience more auditory stress

when listening to rock music, which is very bad news for Absolute Radio. It is. I mean, come on. I mean, so many of our listeners have got hangovers. We don't want to give them any auditory stress. I don't want them to be sick over their Dunlop green flashes. No, not when they've got a bit of nickel back on. Regardless of music, still my favourite distraction...

Enjoy your ginger beer. Enjoy your ginger beer! Still my favourite distraction. Enjoy your ginger beer. Enjoy your ginger beer! Still my favourite distraction is oh, look at that over there, while stealing a chip from a child. Oh, man. Oh, come on. What a wonderful thing that is. And we've had a request. This is from James.

As it's Christmas, can we have some more Al adding from the Cockerel today, please? Merry Christmas, love reader 658. This is the bit when Alan does mental arithmetic. I don't really want to end the year on that, do I? I mean, it's a strange request. It is a strange request. Oh, God, we've been doing eight times tables at home.

Let's have a go. No, stop it. Oh, OK. Fair enough. What's the name of that game when you have the yellow sticky on your head that I played with Elton John? Clang! Is it called name dropping?

You have a yellow sticky with the name of a celebrity on it. Yes, I know what you mean. You don't see it. I don't know if it's got a name. I think I'm going to give it a name. I'm going to call it Do You Know Who I Am. Oh, you reckon. I'm going to call it the game that Frank played with Elton John. That's what I'm going to call it. I'm call it Do You Know Who I Am? Oh, you reckon? I'm going to call it the game that Frank played with Elton John.

That's what I'm going to call it. I'm calling it Do You Know Who I Am? The great thing about it, I think I would have been much better than that than I was in the villa in Nice, because the distinction... Who did Elton John have on his head? He had, well, what's it, Bobby Crush.

You know what I mean. Bobby Crush he had on his head. That must have been a sight for sore eyes. And I had Ian Cranky on my yellow stick. And you have to guess who you've got, because you can't read it yourself, obviously. But the distraction technique that Elton John used was being Elton John.

It's really put me off the game. So I imagine he does quite well, I think. Yeah. Anyway, so that's it, I think, for 2016 live. Oh, no. We do have, we've got two greatest hit shows coming up next week, which obviously are better than the normal shows. Oh, yeah, they don't have all that stuff about ballet links.

They don't have, they don't have Aladdin. They about ballet links and other stuff. They don't have Aladdin. They! They're a quintessence. Aladdin will be in there. Leave Aladdin alone. Yeah. Aladdin. So that's good news. I feel such pressure. Last thing you say of the whole year. Live. Oh, don't worry about it.

Pressure, pressure, pressure. We'll be back. Anyway, look, thank you so much for listening, not just today, but for 2016. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens,

Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.