The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Kimono Dragon

Episode Date: April 6, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has made a discovery at the zoo and had an unexpected reaction to his April Fools. The team also talk about a late confession and islands named after animals.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I've had a terrible start to the day. Oh no. Voss is loose. I've got a stain.

Oh, yeah, I noticed the stain. Yes, I know, you pointed it out. That's what friends are for. What, in the whole room full of people to say you've got a stain? They aren't people, they're staff. That's the spirit. But, Frank, it's awful when it happens at, you know, so early doors. Yeah.

You have some big choices to make for the rest of the day. But it was a bright, a wide jumper is always... Oh, don't. It's always a risk. Surprising that Emily's chosen to cover it with a high-vis vest, though, isn't it? I mean, I never expected that. That's given me a bit of a headache, actually. All I can say is, thank heavens...

It's all crushed up in a bag because she cycles here. Thank heavens for that tabard. Yeah. That I keep handy. Oh. Sorry, I'm a little bit over-excited. Why's that? You know, life.

Okay. Oh, life. Life. Oh, yes, it was April Fool's Day. Oh. Did you do any tricks? Well, I like to do a trick on April Fool's Day. It's a tradition.

And I am, I suppose, a professional fool to some extent. Yeah. And I tell you what, I tell you what, I gave it, it's had a ramp this year. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Because I went downstairs, my partner, Kath,

and our six-year-old child, they were downstairs. So I was coming down, and I was on the phone going, oh, wow, that's unbelievable, into the dead phone, you know. I mean,

I didn't just arrive and do it. I arrived doing it. You know, starting to note, they are found. Yes. Yes, well, I was found in the midst of it. And I saw Ian Botham do it. I'm pretty sure I saw Ian Botham do it at Lourdes once. Ian Botham walked across a crowded,

what do they call it, conc once. Ian Botham walked across a crowded... Oh, yeah. What do they call it? Concourse. Lovely use of concourse. Yeah, and there was a lot of... Obviously, there was plenty of cricket fans about. It was Lourdes. Yeah. And biggest laugh I ever heard at Lourdes, by the way,

and can I say it was around the ground, away fans and home fans. In fact, they're probably all home fans. Yeah. It was England play Pakistan and there was an announcement saying Mr Patel is there a Mr Patel in the

thing and it got a massive laugh from everybody, anyway so it's ok don't have to look it up, it's fine, checked it so Ian Botham was on the phone so no one spoke to him and I was absolutely Ian Botham was on the phone So no one spoke to him I was absolutely sure he wasn't on the phone Oh yeah

He wasn't speaking, he was just walking with it No one talks uninterrupted to Ian Botham for that long Anyway, so I got downstairs And I went, okay, I'll tell him, yeah God, well keep me posted Put the phone there I said to Boz, I said tell him, yeah. God. Well, keep me posted. Put the phone there. I said to Boz, I said, you're not going, you couldn't get your uniform off, the school's on fire.

What's wrong with you? So anyway, he burst into tears. Yeah, I couldn't imagine that happening, yeah. And I thought, and I said, there's no one, no one, I said, they've got the guinea pigs, everything, are out there. I don't even know if they've got guinea pigs. Right. I'd seen one on Fleabag,

and it was just in my mind of an animal that might be in a school. Uh-huh. I said, you know, all the drawings off the wall, I thought they were very efficient, these firemen. I thought, the drawings. Anyway, he said I know it's not true. He said it's April Fool's

and I wanted to do one. And I thought of course. Of course. We've reached a stage now where I've got to step aside. I've got to be the fool. You're sharing the bill, darling. I've got to be Step aside. I've got to step, I've got to be the fool. You're sharing the bill, darling.

I've got to be the straight man. Yeah. Oh, man, it was quite a moment. Yeah. I honestly thought he was really sad that the school was on fire, but no, it was a joke missed. Oh.

I'll be ready next year. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think you have to listen to Bieber Belieber because he did, just briefly, Frank, he did an April Fools that backfired this week. Oh, did he? I didn't know that. Well, he had to apologise afterwards. I think it was going a little far, having to apologise,

but he put a photo, didn't he, Al, of his sonogram? I didn't see the photo. I saw some of the fallout. Pretending his wife was pregnant. Oh, OK. And then I think when people said, oh, we don't believe you, he then posted another, he mocked up a photo of him in the hospital

with her hooked up to an IV drip or something. He took it quite far. So people were a bit concerned. But do you think he mocked it or did he phone his PA? Probably phoned his PA. Could you mock up a photo of her? But he's like you. He's a man more sinned against than sinning

because as he says, I'm a prankster. Oh, there you go. I would never actually say that. I know you wouldn't. He said, I am a prankster and it was April Fools. And then he says, you sometimes just don't know what will hurt someone's feelings. What was the objection?

He says, I think with pranks, you sometimes have to roll that dice. Hashtag prankster, hashtag Dennis the Menace. Apparently he got retweeted by Steve Pink. Can I say, that won't be the Dennis the Menace that we think it is. I was going to ask, how is he familiar with Dennis the Menace? No, there's an American cartoon called Dennis the Menace. It's a sandy-haired kid. Oh, I hate him.

Yeah. I like the sandy hair. It'll be that. No red and black jumper, even. But why were people upset by just saying his wife was pregnant? Because apparently you shouldn't joke about pregnancy. Because, yeah. No.

You shouldn't joke about this. You shouldn't joke about pregnancy. Because, yeah. No. Oh, you shouldn't joke about this. Shouldn't joke about that. Anyway. I tried a lie, and I can't even remember what the content of it was. Yeah, I tried a lie and I liked it. Yeah, yeah. And I remember thinking,

oh, it's April Fool's Day, I'd better have a crack at it, and I hadn't done any thinking about it in the run-up. So I just said a lie but I was a bit mindful of that thing it has to be something that people are pleased when you then take it away which the school burning down would be one of those not to all children

or adults I find it a bit disturbing and I said something and I was in the hall on the other side of a doorway, and my son just from the other side of the door went, Waffling! Which apparently is like what the kids call lying. Is that right?

Yeah, talking rubbish. You're waffling! So, I mean, it wasn't, I didn't even finish the sentence before it got shut down with disbelief. See, I think a waffling is just sort of chatting about, all the words are changing. It's like being on, you know when the plates start moving

in an earthquake? Yes, it is. Are there something tonic plates? Tech tonic. Tech tonic, thank you. That was the producer. The trouble is you raise... Don't let the accent fool you.

You raise the bar so high, Frank, with the Gok Wan, April Fools, Frank. Oh, yeah, that was a good year. Regular readers, would you like to remind them what you did? Well, I told my partner that I'd agreed to do a show in which Gok Wan and I walked around northern towns, me in different avant-garde outfits, and it's called Why Are You Wearing That?

And she got furious, said, you're not the person I thought you were. I don't think we can carry on with our relationship. I don't know. I mean, it was a bizarre incident. I wouldn't have minded if hers had been a counter-April Fool, but she was absolutely serious. Is there a counter-April Fool?

Is that a strategy you've just invented? I've just invented it. That's great. Hashtag prankster. I did think that. Hashtag Dennis the Menace. Steve McLaren was sacked by Queen's Park Rangers, the football manager, on Monday.

And I wonder if there was one part of him when he got the phone call that thought, yeah, come on. Oh, I mean, it must have been. Hope springs eternal. It's a good day to dump someone, isn't it? Or actually a very bad day to dump someone. Yeah, because they might think, oh, yeah.

Speaking of football football by the way I don't know if you're familiar with match attacks yes football cards are those ones Buzz likes

yes and Buzz he lost his 100 club limited edition Harry Kane card oh ok

which was a major thing you're going to beg for a replacement are you doing a shout out no I'm not doing no I don't do that I know and so I got I was on my knees which was a major thing. You're going to beg for a replacement? Are you doing a shout-out? No, I'm not doing that.

No, I don't do that. Oh, no. And so I was on my knees, on my knees looking under the sofa for it, and he tapped me on the shoulder and said, April Fool's. Oh! So all was well.

All was well. All was well. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. My daughter has a good little prank that she does. I recently made dinner for the whole family. I thought it was going down very well. And halfway through hers, she pushed her plate away, put her knife and fork down and went, I don't like it, Dad. There was a tension because she was bold to just push it away.

Oh, yeah. And she went, I love it. She's been drinking from Simon Cowell's cup. Yes. But I like the pushing away of the plate rather than just... Oh, man. You need some prop work. She went big.

Respect. Sadly, like any seven-year-old that has found a joke that works, she's then done it pretty much every hour for three weeks. Let's not limit that to seven-year-olds. I'm not saying. Every time. I mean, everything. You know, Kath is like the most health food not-case person.

My partner. And every time this happens, it might be happening six or seven times a year, she'll have something to eat in a restaurant and I'll say, how's that? And she says, it's a bit oily. I always say, it's only caught to one. Whatever time it is.

And I will continue to say that. I need to be able to say it. I respect. Yeah, it's... You were talking about Got Kwan earlier, Frank, and your prank. Yeah. Hashtag prankster.

Yeah, yeah. We've had... You may recall last week you very kindly brought in your copy of Reg Transfers. Oh, yes. The personalised number plates magazine. Yeah. We've had...

Reg Transfers have sent through some of their previous covers. Have they? Yeah. What, to us? Yes. So we have Got Kwan. I just thought I'd mention...

Let me guess. Got gay? G-O-K-1. That was close. Yes. God, Freud. Damn you, Freud. G-O-K-1.

Because he's got the unique situation of being able to say Gok-1 and it's basically his whole name. Gok-1. You're OK, Faye. Has he got that? Well, as is often the case with the personalised number plate, there's been some compromises. Oh.

But his would have been so perfect. Gawk won. He's been near enough as a Reg. But I think Reg transfers perfectly illustrates that we don't live in a

perfect world. It does more than anything. We've gone for 82 Gawk. 82? Oh, was he born in 82?

He can't be. How old would that make him if he was born... He can't be. That's an old person talking. It's impossible. If he was born in 82, that would make him 36. But God willing, he will one day be 82. Like the broken clock.

It will be correct at some point. I hope he's not an actor. You'll find some reason for the 82, won't you? Colleen Nolan. Oh, yes. The cover line is I'm in the mood for a number plate.

Ah. And do you want to know the number plate? Do you want to have a guess? More than anything. Have a pint? C-O-L-3-3-N. Colleen.

Again, you're getting a little towards the perfect world. Yes, exactly. I think you need to lower your bar a bit. Oh, okay. I think you need to lower your bar a bit. Oh, okay. Okay.

Something that's never been said to me. N-O-L-3-7-8-H. Now, you're more on the right line, with respect. What we've actually got is C-N-O-1-4-N. So I think that's, is it Nolan? It's kind of spelling. C-Nolan. C-Nolan. 14N So I think that's Is it Nolan? It's kind of spelling it C. Nolan C. Nolan

The L and the 4 The I and the 4 Making the L That's great Some of them Actually hit the rim You know those ones That run round the rim

Of the basket Before they fall down again Yes, yeah, yeah Some of the ones That none of them Go in the basket Not since the good old days I'd just like to finish

with the opera singer Russell Watson oh yeah finish with a song yeah can you imagine what his would be

10 O R oh is it again not in a perfect world oh close

almost like T3NOR. Oh, yeah, but that's not bad. He's gone for the closest to an E. That is pretty good. Are you impressed with that? Okay, well, let's leave it on a high then, rather than do Stacey Solomons.

I'd like to have got Placido Domingo and the other two, one of those each. Oh, nice. With just ten of the same number plates, so they had the three. Yeah, we won't do Stacey Solomon. Yeah. I know we talked about these last week.

No, go on, do Stacey Solomon. What do you think? I mean... SS, not SS1. Oh, no, no, darling. Oh, no. I'd really be careful with that. Oh, no, black sedan.

SS Swan, we go fast to lightning streaks. It's a mistake, Stacey. It's not you at all. No, I really don't know, I know, but no, I know, I know, but, you know, God bless you. Sorry, carry on. What is her number plate? It's not SS.

Solemn one. Solemn one. Solemn one. Yeah. Isn't that one of the options for the fortune-telling fish? No, it's SX10 Bug. But it is a... Oh, Bug, because she was in the jungle. Well, I thought that, but it's on the Volkswagen Beetle, which is like a...

Is that called a love bug? Oh, lovely. I mean, nothing to do with her, but it's on the Volkswagen Beetle, which is like a, is that called a love bug? Oh, lovely. I mean, nothing to do with her, but yeah. What's SX10, Frank? Can you have a think about that, please? Stacey. Oh, Stace. Stexy.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Stexy. What a link. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went to the zoo this week I felt like you were

beginning a poem there yes I was gonna I must go down to the sea again sorry before we finish I just want to clear up

very quickly we are going to leave the personalised number plates obviously but quickly someone has texted in just because I like it when people do this to point out, actually tweeted us

for Taxi Joe the Green Badger has texted to say, is it Stacey Solomon is from Essex S X Oh Essex, 10 Yes, what's the 10 I don't know

that might be a postcode okay lovely word okay no but that's true Essex and and Bog

because she's in the jungle and she drives a Volkswagen vehicle thank you taxi it is the Swiss Army knife of the

personalised number plate meanwhile over at the zoo... Yes. Oh, yes. Well, now, I know... I think I've mentioned going to the zoo before on the show,

and occasionally we get people say, you monster, zoos are evil prisons for animals. I don't remember those, but if you want... Well, that was just the bears. I didn't... When I was at the zoo, I occasionally have the, are they happy here feeling and then i did think if somebody said to me say if i lived in a you know in uh a particularly dangerous area of london let's say and somebody said to me we'll get you a place

where danger is completely removed from your life right and you get free of calm and um these people speak in abbreviations i like the idea of a meerkat getting that phone call so we got free of calm and all the uh food you can eat with care we got diet nutritionists making sure you get off all the right stuff and a few other people a few other you know

of your ilk ilk I'd snatch their hand off you know well they do some of these creatures they do they get their clout

well I'll tell you about that in a minute because I think I've discovered the most horrible animal on the planet uh oh I think I have as well but horrible animal on the planet. Uh-oh. I think I have as well, but that's another story.

No, but honestly, I was thinking, you know, well, they're pretty horrible, the hyenas and stuff like that. Are they horrible? I think, yeah, didn't they... They're a good crowd, though. They forced, didn't they force... They are a good crowd. They forced Simba into the...

I can't believe what you see in the ogle box, Frank. Oh, right. So, yeah, what made me feel better about the zoo is I just think that when they said, you know, we're going to lock you up and stuff, but there'll be no predators, people would say, yeah, I'll take it. Lovely postcode, Regent's Park, hello.

So, we went to... It was just me and Boz went there, my child, and they had... They did talks at London Zoo. I've got to say, I'm a big fan of London Zoo. I think it's brilliant and a great educational place. And they did talks, and they had a talk about the Komodo dragon. Now, first thing I learned, you know, we have a thing on this programme, idiotic eureka moments,

when after years you suddenly get something. For my whole life, and that's a long time, I've called that creature the Komodo dragon. You haven't. I honestly thought that's what it was called. I thought for me, standards. I pictured it in a small silken dressing gown.

Maybe, I always thought of it maybe slightly too short. Hmm. Embarrassingly short on the dragon. It's Komodo. I know.

I didn't know that. You've made a fool of yourself. No. I mean, I think. Komodo dragon. Komodo is, if they did a portmanteau

of Mark Komode and Simon Mayo wouldn't that be Komodo if they got together I've been listening to Komodo

Komodo Dragon is the Irish branch of his family Komodo I believe is that right so you

they're not it'd be a great name actually for an Irish act Komode so you've got the toilet humour So you don't, they're not... It'd be a great name, actually, for an Irish act. Kermode. So you've got the toilet humour. Oh, dragon.

Can I just give a point of order here? Because you won't be happy, because I've met Mark Kermode. Yeah. And we're not allowed to say Kermode, he doesn't like it. Actually, it's not about him. It's about the Komodo dragon. Good point. So what about that? But we're going to have, the fair's about him. It's about the Komodo dagger. Good point. So what about that?

Yes. But we're going to have... The Fez has landed. Okay. I think that... Isn't that a Frederick Forsyth novel? Set in the Middle East. So I'm...

It was the sequel to The Eagle and it didn't do as well. I'll be straight with you. I'll come back. You won't... It's the most horrible animal. It's official. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. No, the Komodo dragon. Oh, yes. I'm just going to briefly run through. This is how it attacks its victims. First of all, it bites out their leg muscles so they can't run away. Brilliant.

One. Oh, it's devious. Two, its saliva contains bacteria that even if they do get away, they'll be dead in 24 hours without medical assistance. Also excellent.

It also contains a non-coagulant so the wound doesn't heal. Excellent. Yeah. And they're one of the few animals that happily eat rotten meat. And they also eat other Komodo dragons. They don't eat their cells. They're children.

They're cannibalistic. Children, they're their own children. That's not on. And also sometimes they'll dig into graveyards and eat the dead. They eat the dead, the KDs. They are great, aren't they? Eat them. Nobody's perfect.

They are officially the worst animals of all. Why have they not been cartoonified and humanised in superhero form? Why have we got a Spider-Man when we haven't got Komodo Dragon-Man? This should be a bad guy called the Komodo Dragon. I know that, and I was trying to remember... In a kimono!

And he's easy. Wouldn't it be great if you had a villain and he'd misheard it all those years as well. And he turned up, I am Komodo Dragon. And Spider-Man says, look, I know this might not be relevant in the midst of conflict.

It's Komodo. No, no, I think you'll find it's Komodo. Google it. I was remembering Billy Bob Thornton, Frank. He has a real obsession with the Kimono Dragon. Does he? With the KD. I saw him live, you know, Billy Bob Thornton.

I saw his band. How was it? Well, I didn't watch the whole gig, let's put it that way. Okay. But he's long talked about them and he described them as the most evil animal that's ever walked the planet. And they should be destroyed. Peas in a pot, aren't ever walked the planet. And they should be destroyed. Peas in a pot, aren't they? I'm not saying they should be destroyed.

He once said, I have a dragon to slay in my soul. Yeah. Of them. Oh, Angelina. That's a certain metaphor. And he says, Komodo dragons represent it. More than anything on the earth, more than any being that exists, they are the creatures that represent evil.

I have nightmares. One night I woke my wife in the middle of the night because I thought they were all over our house and we had to stay in a hotel. I'm having a problem talking about them even now, he says. Shut up. Do you think anybody has said to him, are you eating a lot of cheese at night?

No, Sam. Do you imagine for one second that it was the interviewer that bought them all? No, why? So how's it going? I had this nightmare the other night, you know, the kimono, what was kimono? No!

They're not nice, though. They're horrible. I'm sorry, they're horrible. I love them. We've had some of our readers... Well, I've got the fares, and I've heard that the producer's been getting told off. Do you get in trouble?

Are we in trouble? Are we a little bit naughty? Can I say one little thing about the producer, by the way? Yeah. I don't want to sap anyone's morale, but I just went to look out the window while you two were talking. I accidentally looked down at the producer's show notes,

and the first thing I read was, terrible start. Oh, good. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Can I give you another nature fact which I learnt at the zoo? Please do. My nose has just started to run.

Sorry to hear that. So have I. Buzz, my child, got to stroke a cockroach at the zoo. And the blokes... Really spoiling. And apparently it felt like fingernails. Oh, yeah. Yes, I can see that.

And anyway, the bloke says, has anyone got any questions? And I said, can I ask a question? And he said, yes. And I said, is it true? Now, you must have heard this. Is it true that if there's a nuclear war, the cockroaches are the only things that would remain.

Have you heard that, Sam? Yes. I've heard that and the GC are the only things that will... Gemma Collins? Yeah, they will outlive us all. Wow. All right. How will she breed?

Well, that's one of the great questions. Oh, you do think? 8, 12, 15. If we come back 100 years later, there'll be a strange hybrid of female and cockroach. A giant cockroach. A bit of Komodo thrown in there. So, that'll last, probably.

No, so, it isn't true. What? That's what the man said. Really, what did he say? Hang on. Urban myth. He said they can take higher levels of radiation than human beings, but not that kind of level.

This should be on breaking news, surely. I thought that was an absolute... I mean, I was upset. I mean, it's shocking. You're upset? But see what cheered me up? Frank's invested heavily in the cockroach's future. He bought shares in them.

Yeah. As a landlord. Have you ever seen a red-faced black spider monkey? Don't think so. No, I don't believe so. Oh, Garin, go to them. Never mind buying that UHD teller you were thinking about. Go and have a look at

the red-faced black spider monkey. You see, the thing is... Wouldn't it be so agile with all those adjectives? They have to... Well, the big monkeys get a lot of press but i think the smaller more lithe monkeys the dainty monkeys that are they really like ross from friends they deliver the monkey i'll tell you what this one is like less attractive people that they try they tried a bit harder oh than the chimes. That's it, we've worked on our personalities.

I'm not allowing you to put yourself in with the red-faced black spider monkeys. No. Yeah, I'd reckon they were. Hank, John Round has been in touch. Okay. And he doesn't agree with you about the KD, the Komodo dragon. Really? He says silk dragons, note the name change, are very much...

Are they cool? Branding expert. He's not thinking Komono here, is he? Is he another one of us that thought it was Komono? Well, I don't know. He's rebranded them anyway. Okay. Silk dragons are very much maligned and misunderstood and smuggled. Maligned and misunderstood? It sounds like Catcher in the Rye.

Smuggled, he loses the generalisation. Well, I think what he's saying is that the Indonesian government, apparently this came off a story that they've had to close Komodo Island. Yes, there's an island. Can you imagine living there? Komodo Island. I think that's an island. Can you imagine living there? Komodo Island. I think that's in Ninjago, isn't it? Masters of Spinjitzu. Have you ever seen that, Al? I've seen it. You should be in it.

It says... You will. It says they've had to close temporarily Komodo Island to tourists in Indonesia. Because they're smuggling. Can you imagine saying, Kath, I've got a surprise holiday. Komodo Island.

Who's going to go to Komodo Island? That's terrifying. You'd go. I'd be up for it, yeah. Would you? Yeah. You like a bit of coagulation. I'm interested in the KDs.

If I was given a hospitality backpack flamethrower, I'd go, otherwise, no way, Jose. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you remember I told you guys about... Well, we were talking about... You get free things sometimes if you work at a radio station

so every month for example I get Mojo magazine Q magazine and sometimes you get what do we get sweets

we get I got sent some water water but the last thing was Guinness Book of Records I think got a few of those over the years. God, I was heartbroken this year.

I bought one and then I got sent a free one. I mean, it's the worst of all possible worlds. I sometimes get a portrait of my dog, Ray. I got that recently, a lovely one. Did you? Yeah. I'm using a mechanical pencil that a man who makes mechanical pencils sent the show.

Well, today... Oh, yeah, lovely. Actually, I was... Is that Hemingical Pencil sent the show. Well, today... Oh, yeah, lovely. Actually, I wasn't... Is that Hemingway? Have I got the letter? I think it might be. We've got... One of our readers is called Hemingway.

I got a letter today from... Hitler? From Josh. Josh. And he sent me... He sent me his new CD, actually. Oh, did he? Yeah.

Which he tells me, the first song on it, which is called Mike Stone Must Die, which is the thing that Elvis used to shout about is a strange wife's boyfriend. Oh, Mike Stone, I believe, had an affair with Priscilla Presley. Indeed. Was he the karate instructor, Frank? That's right, yeah.

Thank you. So anyway, that's the first, and he retains that was inspired by me telling that story, which obviously makes me slightly proud. But by way of a thank you, he's fabulously sent me a

Star Wars tie. Toy. Not a tie. I wouldn't wear it. There's so much to work on in that sentence. A Star Wars toy. A Star Wars tie. Star Wars.

Yeah, yeah, I can't do it. Star Wars. But the brilliant thing is, he sent me Maroff, which is that big hairy thing from Rogue One. So it's not like Luke Skywalker or something. He sent me a... What's it?

The sort of Komodo... Fabulously obscure. Komodo, the KD of the franchise. He's a supporting player. He's a scary creature. Brilliant. And he also sent me a book on Athelstan, which is an Anglo-Saxon thing.

It really is perfect. Do you know what? Don't take this the wrong way. Fill in the blanks. But I think it could be a nice... I think you need people like that in your life. It really is perfect. Do you know what? Don't take this the wrong way, fill in the blanks, but I think it could be a nice... I think you need people like that in your life with similar interests. Exactly.

Frank had a heart and mouth moment where he thought the book was about atheism. I thought it was called atheism. And I said, I'll have a look at it. They might have something to say for themselves. Anyway, it turned out to be Athelstan. I was telling you recently that the latest in a long line of freebies was that Absolute Radio gave us free salt.

That's true, yeah. So we'd arrived in the morning at Golden Square and there's a counter downstairs with a security guard sitting behind it and there was a little display box of tiny little boxes of salt. Oh, my God, is that what it was? Well, I've heard this morning, yes. Oh, God. Oh, no.

What a mistake to make. So I thought it was eye drops. No. So get this. There was 5,000. That's what we were saying. 5,000 little boxes of salt. Biblical, this tale.

There's only 100 left. Yeah. No, I read this week that the biggest cause of premature death is too much salt in the diet. I think that we at Absolute Radio might look back on this. Remember Bikini Atoll when people went to those nuclear bomb tests? Years. Ten years later, they all died.

I think this is what we're going to look back on. This is the Bikini Atoll of commercial radio. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. If you want a pint? It's water. Okay.

Can you imagine how I felt looking up there? I thought, hi, Frank. Sorry about that. It's like a radio play. That makes you a gnaw. What is it that they do? What's it called, the sound effects thing? Yes, there's a name for it.

If anyone knows, text it on 81215. Faye knows. Foley. What is it? Foley. Look, even I don't know. That was so posh, even I didn't get it. It is Foley, yeah.

Foley. Foley. So they do Foley. So the blokes with the coconut nuts. Oh, right. Coconut nuts. Do your drinking now. The shell.

Would you like a drink, darling? Yes, I will. Oh, right. Go on. Coconut nuts. Do your drinking now. The shelf. Would you like a drink, darling? Yes, I will. Oh. Apparently, I think it's a snooker ball in a glass is what they do for icing glass. Because icing glass doesn't sound as much like icing glass as you'd expect it to. Oh, is that right? It's like in the photo shoots for food

when they use the mashed potato for ice cream. Ah. Because ice cream melts obviously under the lights. Do you see, dear?

Of course it does. So you do the mashed potato. We'll hug my mouth. Would you like to hear about Komodo Island? Yes. I know that you would.

I would, yeah. Well, James has been there. No way. I feel we need some background music for this. Okay, can I have the Komodo music? Here we go. Just to clarify. Okay.

You begin. Hi, Frank. I've been to Komodo Island. We spent two hours trekking, looking for dragons with no luck. In the end, we found four scavenging the bins around the back of the visitor centre cafe.

Well, look at that. That's from James. They love, like, rotten, horrible stuff. We should get a long fan. Are people safe, though, on Komodo Island? Well, I think I told you there were 5,700 Kermode-O-Dragons. Oh, yeah.

And that seems an awful lot to me. It does, yeah. In a confined space. Well, an island, actually, is the definition of a confined space. It depends on how big, though, surely. There must be some big island. Does every species have an island named after it? Because I've been to Kangaroo Island.

Right. Oh! Is there lots of these? Isle of Man, of course. Yeah. I imagine that was first. We made that one first. Is there a bear island?

There must be. There's Bear Mountain, certainly. Oh, lovely. But let's stick to the islands. Okay, yeah. There must be a bear. There's a bear island off the coast. What about Dog Island?

They didn't get it. I love dogs. Frank. And that's a lovely picturesque island. Grilla. 904 has texted, And that's a lovely picturesque island. Grinlow. 904 has texted, if the photo hasn't delivered this text,

it's massively disappointing. The photo hasn't delivered this text. Oh, no. So, I mean, we could just imagine that it is Bear Island or... I'm guessing it's a commode of borrowing into a cemetery. Yeah. We'll put it on our Instagram thing. Put a bit of music over it. It'll be fine.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had some animal islands. There's a Puffin Island in North Wales. Oh, I think I've heard of that one. Mm-hm. OK. There's a puffin island in North Wales. Oh, I think I've heard of that one. Mm-hm.

OK. Is there a baffin as well? What? Baffin island. Baffin island. I think you ought to take a shower, love. I don't know if it's an animal. I'm starting the other way round.

Right. Start with the animal. Start with the island. Canary Islands, bizarrely not named... Oh, of course. ..after the coal mine doomed yellow feathered creature a nice description love this person and it's gregor and lewisham but dogs canines that is all is that right what canary canines gregor never really gets it wrong really well goodness we've

had some fabulous natural history news today yeah except for the existence of Komodo Island no I'd never go there because I'd be too terrified but I'm glad it exists

are you? apparently there's over a hundred tourists killed there every year no no April Fool you're waffling

that's what you're doing you're waffling hashtag Dennis the Menace hashtag waffling that's what you're doing, you're waffling Hashtag Dennis the Menace Hashtag waffling, prankster I saw an ant, I saw an ant at the zoo it's the biggest ant I've ever seen How much did you pay to get in? Yeah

I don't know if it was a break I just looked out into the zoo from above, it's a very small zoo What have you got in this zoo, ants? No but there was ants. In the bugs section at London Zoo. Oh, I never go in there. It's great in there.

Spiders just hanging from the ceiling. Oh, quite. Oh, no way. Producer just flinched. Can I be honest, Frank? We've talked about this before, but that night section, that's a cop-out, isn't it?

That smells of sandwiches and children's trainers. It's always when it's raining. It just sounds like my house. No, but I'll tell you. Maybe my house is the night section of a zoo. They have an exhibition. You know those ants that carry leaves? You must have all, we've all seen it.

They carry leaves above their heads. I love those ants. So they're walking down this twig carrying little bits of leaf. I say little bits, but it's like me carrying one the size of a skyscraper, probably. All right.

And there's a big ant. More like Lukaku, maybe. I went too small with a car. There's a big ant. Frank wants us to carry a skyscraper. Big is that. What's a skyscraper? A word that hasn't

been used for about 30 years. But there's a big ant coming up the other way and I mean really a big ant. Right. I mean

I don't know how the chick to call herself an ant. It was so big. Was he a big unit? And I noticed when these little ants come down

with the leaves, the big ant got out the way and let them go past. Oh. As a respect, because it was carrying something. Right. Even in the ant world, the sort of manners you don't often see in our world anymore. I imagine there was some sort of ant communication,

which was equal to incoming. And it went underneath and let the leaf carriers go. They have their own, sort of to me, to you, thing going on. I believe they have their own version of the three-lane motorway system, actually. You know, like when you pull over for a wide... Well, this one, I think, wouldn't have been allowed. The big one wouldn't have been allowed in the two outside lanes.

Well, they have the society. I think it had other ants as outriders on it. It was so big. They're so diligent and... They've got a great work ethic, the ants. It was actually called Diligent Ants. We've had a text in. We've been discussing islands named after animals.

Oh, yeah. Obviously. Yeah. That old radio trope. 506 has texted. Morning, Frank and friends. For the last few months, my boyfriend has been telling me there's a wallaby Island somewhere in the middle

of a lock in Scotland. I don't believe him. I haven't checked, but pretty sure he's guilty of nothing more than a lame attempt at creating one of those urban myths you hear about. I like the way that's been phrased a lot. It's an interesting urban

myth he's arrived at. I'll invent an island called Wallaby Island in a lock. Perhaps you can shed some light on this for me. Yours in anticipation of satisfaction are

so much mystery. Not even the full name just are. Yeah. He's having a laugh. I think it's a shame. He's having you on laugh. Maybe it's not.

Most people would have thought the boyfriend. Oh he's, yes. A lot of people would have Googled this. Yes. Are you saying that to Alan? I respect her.

I respect her for not doing that, of course. We've become so reliant on Google that when it's hacked out of existence by the Ruskies, we'll be in big trouble. Can you still say Ruskies? Well, we'll soon find out, won't we? Yeah, I'm probably sure. Oh, the internet's crashed. Is that

connected? Sorry, guys. Then it comes back on again. I don't want to go on about KDs or mourning. However, I just have a final story I have to share with you. This is the Komodo Dragons

for those who's just joined us. Yeah, again, from John Round, who seems to be turning into our sort of Komodo editor at large. Yeah, Komodo correspondent. Yeah, he has sent over a link regarding a Komodo, someone found a Komodo in their hotel bathroom. It was a Planet Earth cameraman. I mean, it's horrific, horrific this picture it's crouching

by the toilet oh i thought you meant the bathroom was horrific i was thinking what was it a shower curtain that you don't like or well it was two star but it's hideous there were locals trying to coax it out of the house with pieces of rotten meat it's his favorite food it's not often you get a hotel room with a toilet and a komodo. So what happened? Well, the cameraman said that's what they mean when they talk about a monster under the bed. Oh. Okay.

That's one of those that you think of a better line after you press send. Oh. It said after defecating in the middle of the floor. Oh. I'm sorry. There's no easy way of saying it. That's what he did.

Oh, please. I think that was the easiest way of saying it. So, I mean, to add to its crimes, it goes to the bathroom on the floor. Yeah. Okay? Well, it is, to be fair. That's what a burglar does, isn't it?

Yeah, they're not house-trained, typically, are they? No. Well, ironically, for the Komodo dragon. After defecating, I'm sorry to say that again, in the middle of the floor, the dragon simply wandered out of the front door and walked off into the undergrowth. Well, I mean, how do you even get close to the monsters?

Are you suggesting they're avoid... They're avoidant. They've got intimacy issues. Well, I mean, they'll bite your leg muscles out and then the whole thing starts. They prefer pigs and goats, but they will eat a human. There you go. Lovely.

They're not fussy. That's the bottom line on the KDs. Anyway, what else? Well, we've been talking about pranks this morning, Frank. We haven't. We have. We have. All morning.

Okay. Sorry, that was a prank. I know. Hashtag prankster. I want to talk about, I think, quite a high-level prank, which was committed, if a prank can be committed, by Keith Wright, a NASA engineer... Oh, yeah.

..who was working at the Kennedy Space Centre in 1969. Now, I don't know if you remember, but a pretty... Boffin. ..pretty big event happened that year. He does sound like one of the NASA boffins, doesn't he? This is when... Pretty big event happened that year. He does sound like one of the NASA boffins, doesn't he? This is when, I told you, Sir David Frost, I met at a Liza Minnelli gig, and he said to me,

your son's called Boz, isn't he, after Boz Aldrin? And I said, yeah, that's right. He said, of course, I presented the moon landing. I thought, that's it. Fair, fair play. Credit where credit's due. Yeah, got to give him that. He said to me that was one of the few

simultaneous events where, you know, it's on ITV and BBC. Oh, yeah. Where ITV won. Oh. He said they had a sort of a punchy, you know,

panel and features and stuff. Whereas the BBC Vicky Davis. Had a lot, just a long drawn out. Oh. Mm-hmm. Anyway. So this character. Keith Wright. Keith Wright.

Don't get a lot of Keats, is it? Not these days. Well, I was going to say, we have a member of the family, extended family, R. Keith. Let's call this man R. Keith, because in a way he was representing Britain. Can I stop you on this story? Sure. So we've got Keith Wright, he's working at NASA in 69, the year of the moon landing.

And it's just that the Fez has arrived. But we're back with Keith Wright after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What are you grinning at, Dean? I think... I was sniggering because Barry Smith got in touch and it was just... You know when there's a sort of implied... He's not claiming

Barry Island. No. But you know when there's an implied tone in a communique? Yes. And he said, who on earth thought it was Kimono? Yeah. Do you know my view? Frank Skinner.

Do you know my view that tech should have stage direction so you can know exactly what's going on? So that would be with a haughty expression. It was Frank Skinner who thought it was kimono. It was me. But not only, I'm on about, I've thought that my whole life until Thursday. Yeah.

So it's been a moment of revelation for me. 612 has texted, Sharon Stone's husband was bitten by a KD and needed surgery on his foot. Are you sure that wasn't Joe Pesci? Great bit of showbiz gossip, isn't it? If someone said to you, you're going to have your foot bitten by a Komodo dragon, but you get to be married to Sharon Stone.

Strange word Nostradamus is doing in this. I think that'd be a deal. You got yourself a deal. Idea for a game show. But Nostradamus was a bit like the personalised number plate. He was always one or two digits off. One or two letters off, wasn't he? He would say, people

help Nostradamus the way they help their own personalised number plate. So he'd say a robin landed on a wooden gate and people would go, there you go, Hitler. And he was helped. Yeah, Hister. And he was helped.

He said Hister, didn't he? He called him Hister. I mean, you know, come on. Twisted Hister, I think he called him. And then when Twisted Sister, the band, came. He had that. Anyway. Anyway.

Let's get back to... We were on a cliffhanger about Keith Wright. Yeah. Righty. RK2.0, which is Keith Wright of NASA. Mm-hm. Formerly of NASA. And Britain.

He's a British chap that was working out there, isn't he? I imagine there's a few out there. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if there's one thing Britain has contributed to in the history of time, it is boffins. The boffin community. Yes. Good at boffins, Al.

And the Germans, they're very good on the boffins. They do well on the boffins. the boffin community. Yes. Good at boffins, Al. And the Germans, they're very good on the boffins. They do well on the boffins. Yeah. Yeah. I'd say, if you was to take a, I don't know if there is a sort of heat map of boffindom, but I'd say percentage-wise, I bet the English, the British rather,

and the Germans, I bet you they are into the high 60s percentage-wise. There you go. If anyone knows the actual numbers on that... Yeah, send us that heat map if anyone's got it. There might be a boffin. There might be a boffin. If you're listening at home...

So, we need to tell them what he did, don't we, really? Yes. What he's done... He's looked up. He's looked up. He did look up, probably, if he's doing the moon landing. He saw the moon, he thought... He did something a little bit naughty.

He doodled a union flag, we should say. Not the jack, because... No, no, because... You know we have a thing on this show called the Big Moment, which is based on the fact that Big Mo is Gary Oldman's sister. And people tell you as if that's a fabulous revelation but more or less everyone knows that and I think the Union

Jack Union flag more or less Well we dealt with it on this show one week I seem to recall And also the fact that the Union flag can be upside down is another big moment that everyone says Do you know it can be upside down? Yes Well our key is 2.0 I've got one more on this subject Another big moment. Do you know it can be upside down? Yes.

Arceus 2.0. I've got one more on this subject. The flag, the American flag on the moon is wired because there's no wind on the moon. Oh, yes. Yes, and there you go. All these things that everyone knows are on the moon. But what they didn't know was that R Keith 2.0 hashtag used to work at NASA, get over it.

He said, we wanted to give Brits a bit of a credit, so I thought I'd draw a little union flag sketched onto there. There being a solar panel aisle, was it? Yeah. And he installed it on the experiment package, or whatever that is, and it went Yeah. And he installed it on the experiment package,

or whatever that is, and it went to the moon. So a little bit naughty. It's a tricky one to verify. You can see it. There's a picture, I think. There's a picture of it in the background. It's still there, I think. Yeah, with the flag. You can see the flag there. You know they're littered, aren't they? You can't see the flag.

Well, isn't it? Yeah. It's circled in the article I saw. see the flag, though. You know they're littered, aren't they? You can't see the flag. Well, isn't... Yeah. They're circled in the article I saw. The solar panels sit there to... Well, I've only seen the circle of the... If you believe... Of the panel. He drew a flag on the moon.

Flag on the moon. If you believe... Now, OK. OK, we'll come back to... I think he's a poster boy for the graffiti community. I mean, he got it to the moon. Some of them look happy with a high bridge. That is true.

He's made Banksy look unambitious if you ask me. Yeah, he set the bar pretty high. A balloon. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So there is no picture of the flag Well, we've had a stewards inquiry During that musical interlude

And Frank is saying There's no proof Look, I'm not saying It may be a rubbish lie So would I have doing a show with Got Kwan. No, that's a good one. Wow, hold on. Did he announce this on April the 1st?

Oh. Shut up. Could you get the bobbins on it, please? Because if he was on the one show, then that's on the evening, so he can't be doing that. 3rd of April. Isn't it afternoon that you're not meant to? I think it was on the one show last night, wasn't it?

Right. It was on the 3rd of April. Oh, OK? I think it was on the one show last night, wasn't it? Right. It was on the 3rd of April. Oh, OK. Did you watch him on the one show? No. No, just read the article. It's a shame. It is a shame.

Look, he's telling us all. I'll tell you what it reminded me of a bit. In the Albion News, which is the programme of West Bromwich Albion, the official programme, you used to get pictures of people of West Bromwich Albion, the official programme, used to get pictures of people in West Brom shirts, like on top of Kilimanjaro

and stuff like that, and it was like wee, I'm in Alcatraz prison in a West Brom shirt come on! It comes from the same place, I'm not saying no boffin would use that voice. I agree.

Or go to Alcatraz. Well, maybe they would. I agree with Alan. It would be a very strange lie. However, there was famously the late designer and very brilliant designer, Lee McQueen. Well, yes, Alexander McQueen.

You may know as Alexander McQueen. I interviewed him and we spoke about the fact. And what did he say, Frank? Tell the story. He was a bit, he wasn't, he was loathe to say I definitely did it. Okay. The theory was that when he made jackets for the Prince of Wales. It was Anderson and Shepard, the Taylors, yeah. He, then he put some class A swear words in the lining he embroidered.

Excellent. But when I asked him directly, he wouldn't quite fess up. I think the royals would be all right with that. I suspect they like a good swear, some of them. That's my theory. Can I say that's not the official policy of Absolute Radio? Behind closed doors, I mean. Yeah. When it's appropriate. If only this boffin had had a camera phone.

Yes. But of course they didn't exist then. Which is mind-blowing, isn't it? Do you think he's telling the truth? Oh, he might as well be. We ran out of steam a bit there. Well, actually, Mike Pence said this week, you know Mike Pence,

the even more frightening than the president, assistant president. What did Mike Pence say? I'd give a penny for his thoughts. He said... Would you give two? He said that they are keen to restart the moon diagram Splendid

So we might, what about if they went up and checked it out and it's a lie I bet when he read that Mike Pence thing I bet he thought oh no, they're onto me Was he interviewed by Carol Vorderman by the way? Yes he was, Ar was. Oh, Keith?

Yeah. Yeah. Why? You pulled a bit of a... What I'm going to call a bit of a face. Did you see the other Carol Vorderman moon space-based story this week? No. Vorders? Yes.

Who used to be my neighbour, if you... She did. Remember? It was an apartment, was it neighbour, if you... She did. Remember. You had an apartment, was it there? I had an apartment. I had a penthouse apartment. And she also had a penthouse apartment. We overlooked.

And I said... It was the perfect start to a 90s sitcom, that. Yes. Because she said to me, yes, I've noticed you've got a telescope. She never. Yeah. Well, Kath and I used to use that.

Meaning. Jacuzzi. Yeah. Well, Kath and I used to use that. Meaning. Jacuzzi. Yeah. But anyway, she tweeted a photograph this week, and it was, she said, a body of mine is an astronaut. Well, apparently she went out with an astronaut for a while. Didn't work out. well apparently she went out with an astronaut for a while, didn't work out

and she gave him a photograph of herself and he took a photo of the photograph sort of on the windowsill of some sort of spacecraft space station

so you've got planet earth in the background through the window and then a picture of Carol but best thing about this is that the picture of Carol Vorderman she's in a bikini and

this is the detail that really appeals to me, the picture is from 12 years ago my first thought if someone was going to detail that really appeals to me. The picture is from 12 years ago. My first thought if someone was going to take a picture of me in space I'd send

them a current shot. But you know when you get a picture of yourself you really like. Oh it's like the journalist spyline

photo. Exactly. The Julie Birchall one black and white 1972. So she is she is stuck with I mean God bless her for that.

And I actually wrote down what she says on Twitter. She said, here's a picture of me in actual space with the actual Earth behind. Right. Wow. She missed an opportunity to say that she thought she looked out of this world, didn't she? I think one of the comments looked out of this world, didn't she? I think one of

the comments from one of her fans, people say It was me, alright I'll fess up Her fans are of a certain age, I mean don't get me wrong I think she looks amazing, Carol Vorderman but it's so complicated the modern

feminism, is it alright the bikini picture from 12 years ago? Well, it's not really. I blame that Madonna. But anyway, God bless her. And there's an element, I thought, of showing the ex-boyfriend astronaut what he's missing, as they always say in the papers.

One from the top, two from the bottom. Yeah, so what he's missing is they always say in the papers. One from the top, two from the bottom. Yeah so what he's missing is Carol Vorderman and Earth You said I think about one from the top, one from the bottom That was her shtick for a while The Daily Mail still

when they have things like if they did a thing about, who's a pop, name a pop star. Britney Spears. Yeah. If they did the, they'd call her the hit me one more time songstress. Okay, I've got Madonna, yeah, the material girl flew into London this week. They still, and this is twice in an article I read this week, they still call Carol Fordham the Countdown Queen.

Oh. Now, when was she last on Countdown? Oh. Unless she's got a new job at NASA. Oh. Through her contacts. Numbers would be perfect for that. Yeah, she'd be good at that.

Five. Yes, that is how she talks. That is how she talks. Stingray. And that's Thunderbirds. She also said, well, we'll come back to this, but she's a fascinating personality. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

There was an interesting quote as well from Carol Vorderman. I dug deep into Vordermania. Oh, yeah? Mm. She'd been accused of having what I believe is called a bottock implant. Well, I think they come in pairs. It'd be weird to just have one. Mm.

And she denied it and said... An enhancement. Yeah, and she said that my family are all sticky out bottom people. Oh. Yes. Mine too, actually. Yeah, it's interesting. I mean, they're no longer here to prove that theory, unfortunately.

We have to take my word for it. Yeah, well, I believe you. But we have the... I used to get told when I did ballet, sticky out bottom, and I say I am. Oh. It was awful. Oh.

In a tutu, you think that would cover a multitude. Not in my case, my friend. Well, maybe you needed a four-four. Speaking of four-four, obviously it takes us back to Lord Haw-Haw. I'm sure I went to school with a boy called that, yeah. You know what, I've been

talking recently about the well-known um right wing um 1940s radio broadcaster lord horhor of course oh yeah it was that very relatable section we did yeah um also my um my rambling um reading this week i um i came across a fabulous piece of info, which you might know actually, Emily, but I had no idea about this. After the war... How dare you? Let me qualify that. Sir Oswald Moseley, who was the leader of the British fascistos. Yes. He was continuing, apparently he continued his work after World War II.

I'd have thought the whole shop would have been closed down. Right. With all that. But he was causing trouble here and there, and so a group set itself up of street fighters, anti-fascist street fighters, to attack the black shirts. And one of the leading figures who used to be out there in the streets fighting.

I mean, a proper street fighting man. Uh-huh. Taking on the fascists. Who? I don't know. Vidal Sassoon. You are joking. I mean, who knew? Vidal?

Vidal Sassoon as an anti-fascist street fighter. Vidal grew up in the East End I believe famously didn't he? did he? I didn't know that very very humble beginnings and I suspect a strong social conscience

clearly so and then he made shampoo and conditioner but that's extraordinary well you know that that's such a well troddenden path, that, isn't it? I told you about it. We've all done it, Al.

Shampoo maker. We've all done it. It's almost like a cliche, like boxing getting people out of poverty. It's such a well-trodden path. One minute social justice worry. But do you remember my... Take two bottles into the shower.

My hard... I used to do that in the 80s. I, um... I... Couldn't let that sit for a bit. It was a great gag. This is the only place I dare drink. But listen,

I didn't want to get it on the carpet. You're actually laughing at someone's joke. I banged my knuckles. I, um... I'm going to get this in. Yes, do you remember when, I told this,

when John Lennon died, I was so upset. I took the day off. Oh, no. I took the day off Poly this in. Yes, do you remember when, I told you this, when John Lennon died, I was so upset. I took the day off. Oh, no. I took the day off, polytechnic. Yes. And went to get drunk at the pub. And a very strange man who used to go in the pub

came over to me and said, what are you doing in here at this hour of the day? So he spoke like that all the time. Which is honestly, he wasn't Scottish. No, he wasn't. And I said, oh, well, one of my heroes died today. He said, yes, and do you know he was one of the 12 best fencers in Europe? I said, was he?

Turn out, he thought when I said one of my heroes, and I was referring to Sir Oswald Mosley, who had died shortly before. I hate to see ourselves as others see us. Frank? Hi. Yes. Hi.

We've had... Late in the show to say hello to each other, but we'll go with it. That's all. No, we've had a text from Jason F. Chef. Jason F. Chef, okay. Lovely personal number plate. That could be. Yeah.

He says he's been listening to an old podcast. Maybe. You think he's an F chef. It's like something like... Maybe it's the phyllo pastry or something. Perhaps he's just not as good as the others. Well, he might be a Gordon Ramsay type, if you know what I mean.

I quite like it. Oh, yeah, he's an F chef, if ever there was one. Indeed. Hey! He's been listening to an old podcast of ours. Has he? That sounds like a surprise.

You've got to get the pop to him. We do very well in the prison community, Emily. I mean, who else says that? If someone says, oh, I listen to your radio show, are you in prison? No, an old one, though. An old lad? Maybe when he's standing out by the bins having a smoke in his black Crocs. The Komodos will be coming to scavenge.

Yeah. What's he said? He said this. I was surprised to hear that Frank, like myself, has anchovies on pizza. I thought I was alone in that club. Well, I can tell you, we are not alone, F-Chef. Because, how is his name, F-Chef? Yeah, Jason F-Chef.

Oh, Jason, sorry. We're not alone, Jase. JFC. Jase. JFC. Jase. Because my view has always been that a pizza without anchovies isn't actually a pizza. I don't think that counts. If I have something like an American hot, those were the days, then I will say, and can I have a portion of anchovies on?

Do you? I'll have anchovies on an Hawaiian. You will not. I will say and can I have a portion of anchovies on so I'll have anchovies I'll have anchovies on an Hawaiian you will not sweet and sour kudos to you I did not know that you were that anchovy weird thing is I don't order extra

on an American hotline let's hear the witness out. So I was watching, oh, what's it called? It's like The Simpsons, but it's set in the future. Futurama. Yeah, Futurama. That's halfway there. I was watching Futurama, and they get a pizza from the past,

in other words, from our time. Oh, yeah. And I know it isn't a pizza. It's a tin of anchov, in other words, from our time. Oh, yeah. And I know it isn't a pizza. It's a tin of anchovies in an auction. And this guy says, the main guy says, I'm going to buy that because I don't think a pizza qualifies as a pizza if it doesn't have anchovies. And I thought, what a place to find a kindred spirit

on a random episode of Futurama. And now it turns out that Jason F. Sheff is joining quite an exclusive club. We are the gang of three. Your gang? Yeah. Well, I won't be in your club. Here's a question. I've always thought they are amongst the saltiest things on earth.

They're saltier than absolute radio's lobby. Saltier than the sea. Saltier than your late father's pocket. Are they healthy salt? Because they're not. Are they? I don't know. Do you know what?

I trust Alan with food. I was just swinging for it. I don't know. I don't trust us. I think we're a bit more of the Vimto and Crumpets variety. Yum. We've got to rethink the salt thing. I ate one and a half calzone-y folded pizzas on Sunday.

For me, all pizzas are folded. Frank, if we were suddenly thrust into a dystopian future, I would send Alan out to do the foraging. Would you? I just think he'd bring back the right food. You'd get lost. I'd be a bit of a mystery. I'd get hysterical and have a breakdown.

And shout at someone. I would think there was a Komodo dragon around every corner. You wouldn't go near the bins. I can't forage with my back. Mark Connolly has been in touch to say the Wallaby Island on Loch Lomond is true. It's called Inchconachan. Can you tell me how to pronounce it?

I thought it was called Wallaby Island. It's called, they've put hashtag Inchconachan. Can you tell me how to pronounce that? Because you're from Scottish. Inchconachan. Inchconachan. Oh, look, he did it. I probably got that wrong. We don't spot? Okay. Inchconachan. Oh, look, he did it. I don't know.

I probably got that one. He's pulled it off. We don't know. Okay. I was going to think there was a in it. Also relevant to the

story of the chat We will have to end eventually. What about the famous island of Sardinia named after the fish? Yes. Who knew?

Yeah. Okay. Very overpopulated that island honestly they're shoulder to shoulder the citizens they do

so look thank you so much for listening this morning and if the good lord spares us and the creeks

don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio this time next week. Now, get out.