The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Lads!

Episode Date: February 28, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's an all boy line up on the show today, Frank is joined by Steve Hall and Alun Cochrane. The team discuss 'that fall' as well as Kanye's pre Brit Nando visit. Also this week Frank has bought a magnifying glass, Steve did a gig where no one turned up and Alun made some new resolutions.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner and friends on Absolute Radio. In fact, I'm with two men this morning, with Steve Hall and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, if that's working. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the's working. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank

on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning. Good morning. You've rapidly lost faith in even the text system. It's going to be fine. Hey, what about this? Oh, nice.

Yes. I've never done the show without a female. Yeah. This veritable sausage fest. Oh, goodness me. See, that's what it's going to be like. Well, the use of the word veritable. Yeah, making things a bit classy. Don't think that that makes it better, Steve.

Yes, so one thing we probably won't be talking about today is what colour that dress is on the internet. Who cares? It's another thing that happened last week. It's a thing, it's a big thing this week. Oh, is it? This is because you shun social media. I think I might have just seen it in a paper, though.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know the story now. Yeah, I think it might have just seen it in a paper, though. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know the story now. Yeah, I think it's blue. Yeah. I don't care about it. All right, you don't. I don't. Speaking of clothing, though.

Here's a story. Here is a story. I was sent a free hat this week. No way. A themed hat. You know, you wear a Fortitude, the Sky Atlantic drama. Oh, yeah, I've not watched it yet. I have.

Set in the Arctic Wastes. Yeah, I've been watching it. What do you think? I like it, but I've not had a free hat, so... Well, you know, as we say in show business, there's no such thing as a free hat. And once I'd got it, I thought... A lot of the hungry people in show business say that's no such thing as a free hat. Once I'd got it, I thought... A lot of the hungry people in show business say that, don't they?

Yeah, exactly. I thought, well, I ought to watch if I've got the hat. That's how it works, these promotional things. I thought, maybe I'll watch it in the hat. What kind of hat is it? It's what I would call an Elmer Fodd hat Oh really? The ones with the furry ear covers

I think it's worked, it's a marketing campaign that's worked Yeah well If you want to get ahead, get Frank Skinner a hat Yeah the problem is I didn't, I watched it and very early on there was a bit of mega violence a polar bear bit somebody's leg off

and I thought I don't watch this this is not me There was a bit of mega-violence. A polar bear bit somebody's leg off. And I thought, I don't want to watch this. This is not me. There was a moment when I felt completely calm about global warming. I thought, you know, come to think of it, they deserve all they get, polar bears. Horrible. Yeah, they are big. They are.

A biter bloke's leg off. What kind of an animal does that? Yeah. Did you turn it off there? Because other stuff happens, but I don't want to talk to you about it if you jump ship early. No, well, I also, it's one of those, you know, your modern drama, the idea is a sign of quality if you can't

tell what anyone's saying. Right. I had a bit of that, you know, people saying Rulers, be there to say hello. Rulers, you know, people saying, It's all like that. I did think then I might have to take this hat off. I'd use the Velcro on the Elmer Fonz. I couldn't hear it out. You've got ear defenders on. So, no, it was one of those dramas

that's a bit too much like drama. Right. For me, it was quite serious and lots of shots. It's a very impressive So, no, it was one of those dramas that's a bit too much like drama. Right. For me, it was quite serious and lots of shots. It's a very impressive cast, isn't it? Yeah. Thanks very much. I should say I broke my arm earlier this week. I was going to break it to you.

Oh, no, that wasn't, I didn't mean a joke then. It hasn't been a good start to the show in many ways. I think it has. Oh, do you do? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to take you on. It's not often you're the voice of optimism. I'm rarely the ray the show in many ways. I think it has. Oh, do you do? Okay. It's not often you're the voice of optimism. Rarely the ray of sunshine in a room.

No, I'm pleased about this. I'm quite enjoying the Boise thing at the moment. This week's texting was the best fight you've ever been in. Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

Now I tell you what I'd like to ask you as men Yes mate You're going to get all blokey I'm trying our best to get blokey I'm a bit testosterone intolerant It's not very It's not three really big alphas

I don't know, two of you have got beards That's true And I'm the king of new laddism testosterone intolerant. It's not three really big alphas in here. I don't know, two of you have got beards. And I'm the king of new laddism. I should be with a shout. I did press-ups all the way through that last song, didn't I? Just constantly. I'll tell you what you don't do anymore. You don't get up and move your back about like you used to. Is it alright? Are you cured now?

I manage it better, yeah. Back management? Yeah, back management, yeah. You've got a nice couple of rollers, didn't you? Yeah, I do self-myofascial release, you know. Oh, right. Release muscles. It's working for me. When Alan stayed with us, he used our roller, and he liked it so much,

I got a text from Mrs Cockrell saying, what's that thing that Alan used? I'm going to get it in for Christmas. Don't tell him about it. Shut your trap, all right? Yes. So you got a surprise roller for Christmas. Yeah, yeah.

For your back. Well, for my aching muscles, yeah. Marriage is a very practical thing. It is. It becomes. In the North. Do you ever get this? I was leaving the house with my partner on Thursday,

and she said that, you're not going to wear that jacket, are you? I said, well, why do you imagine I've put it on this close to the door? And she said, no, it's a joke, isn't it? And she honestly said, that is a joke. And I said, no, I'm going to wear it. She said, no, it's a joke, isn't it? And she honestly said, that is a joke. And I said, no, I'm going to wear it. She said, no, it's a joke. And, no, I think if I said that to her, it would be...

Yeah, I mean, that sounds like conflict, doesn't it? What sort of jacket was it? We need more information about this. Do you remember Ralph Malfe from Happy Days? You know, do you remember those sort of college coats? Yeah, like a baseball type thing. Yeah, like a different coloured sleeve. Ah, excellent. Yeah, it was one of those.

It was a New York Mets jacket. An orange leather sleeve. Orange leather? And a blue body. Maybe it was the fact it was a Mets jacket. If it was a Yankees jacket. They haven't won a World Series since 1986. Is that was the fact it was a Mets jacket. If it was a Yankees jacket. They haven't won a World Series since 1986.

Is that an actual fact? I think it might be you. Bring that up. So she was very derogatory about it. And I felt I'll tell you what happened

I sort of, I thought no, I'm not going to have a tell me when and what jacket to wear but then I really started to feel that I couldn't go out in it it was like those dreams, you know those dreams when you're just wearing a pyjama jacket and you're out in the streets

I say dreams, I meant photo shoots have you seen my Grindr profile? Did it make you feel bad about the times you've criticised what I've been wearing on this show? No. But it was horrible, really. I did actually take it off and put something else on. What did you put on? Something less American? Less baseball-y? Yeah, I put on a cowboy outfit. No, I put on something very plain and sober. And she said, you can't go out looking like a teenage rapper.

When I was old enough to go out looking like a teenage rapper, rap was not really in the public consciousness. So... I could be a New Direction MC Skinner. New Direction? Magazine I used to subscribe to. But it's wrong, isn't it? Isn't it wrong for a partner to tell another partner what they can wear?

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. You're all right with that? Would you dare tell your partners, I wouldn't can wear? Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. You're all right with that. Would you dare tell your partners, I wouldn't wear that? No. No.

I mean, I... But I have had things that happen the other way. I mean, I'm not a fan of the word, but as you know, my wife did say to me once, you are a fan of a chavvy tracksuit top, Alan. And that was her way of saying, I don't really like that one that you've got on. Well, you've got double denim today.

Yeah, I like it, though. I think we've argued about double denim in the past, though. You've taken the back door with that. You've gone for a darker jeans than the shirt. Well, that I do on purpose. As if we wouldn't notice that was double denim. Yeah, but if you wear two matching colours, it can look a bit like you're in a denim onesie, can't it?

And you've got to be careful. If you came in in a denim onesie, I would dance. I'd do that. I would dance a modern interpretive piece about the fall of the Roman Empire. It's probably quite easy, isn't it? It's just a boiler suit. It's pretty similar. You'll be able to get a denim onesie.

That'll be on the market. Oh, great. If any salvage denim suppliers are listening, I'd be up for that. I love the idea that Quo sit around post-gig drinking in their hotel room wearing denim onesies. Oh, wouldn't you love to see that? No, would you?

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. you you're listening to frank skinner's podcast from absolute radio we've heard from the outside world frank and uh since it's such an all-male show i think that we should celebrate that um and so i've got a an email here that uh is titled frank's snooker earworm and uh what better for three men to do than to discuss anything to do with snooker? Dearest Frank, Emily and the Cockerel, but in particular Frank, I've recently started playing snooker dot dot dot for fun. It begins...

I didn't think professionally. And as a result, Frank's earworm has now become mine. Whenever I or one of my friends plays a safety slash snooker, I can't help but say, ah, the game of chess played on the green bays. It's making them all hate me. It's totally worth it. Yours as ever, Mr Cross. Hello, Mr Cross.

Yes, it was something that I heard whispering Ted Lowe say once. The game of chess played on the green bays. But I didn't just, I didn't really say it. I said it all the time. I said it in the most intimate of moments. Oh, goodness me. Yeah. But what I used to do in snooker halls

is I used to whistle the very first part of the Some Mothers Do Have Them theme. So you play snooker and you go... And then you wait and someone almost certainly will come in. It's one of those. So try it. Aren't they a place of quietness, snooker halls? Well, you've got to look for a bit of hobbob from the gangster fraternity that you'll find in every snooker hall.

Yes. Yeah. I was once invited to a snooker hall and somebody said, oh, do you want to come to this dodgy snooker hall? And I thought, are there others? That doesn't seem to be like a... I've never been in one that didn't have a slight air of menace about it. But that's what you want, isn't it, from a snooker hall?

Yeah. What about you, Steve? Are you a big snooker man? I'm snooker loopy, you could almost say. There was a phase in my life where I played a lot of snooker. Was there? Yeah. You played?

There was a snooker table at my college at university, and there would often be quite a queue. Now you've Steve Halled it. Yeah, yeah. That anecdote. It sounds like you played it in a sort of post-modern way. Well, there were people who would sort of try and place bets on games of snooker as if it was The Hustler or The Colour of Money.

Obviously, a game of pool is over a lot quicker, so there'd be these agonising sort of 45-minute frames of snooker to win one pound. Or that moment when you've been playing pool regularly and then you play snooker. The balls are way off in the distance. You can see the curvature of the earth if you get your nose right down. Miles away, the balls on a snooker tape. I don't know how anyone does it. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I'm going to tell you what I bought this week. I'm of an age. I bought myself a nice big magnifying glass. Oh. Is this for reading? I thought you were going to say a zip-up shoe or something like that. No, it's not for reading.

But it is for like looking at, I tell you what, I'm reading a book about the history of comic books. Oh, yeah. And I just wanted a bit more detail, you know what I'm saying? So I got myself like a big, it's a helix. Is it to look at pictures then?

Because there's comics pictures in there. Because they're actually reproduced a bit smaller than... Ah. Yeah. But it's got a light on it. How about that? No. So when you press the bottom,

not only have you got magnification, but illumination. Nice. It's amazing what they can do now, isn't it? That way you can really freak out an ant. Yeah. Because it'll see the magnifying glass and think that the light is the sun being refracted. Yes, yes.

I mean, that is what I was worried about when you said you'd bought a magnifying glass that the ants, you know, they can get hurt, can't they? That's the first thought, though, isn't it? Burning insects when you make it. So I mentioned it to a couple of people. I've got a magnifying glass and they said, I don't think it's...

You might have to wait, aren't you? I said, no. I'm going to read with it. Those are some of the early Sherlock Holmes stories you never hear about. Exactly, yeah. When Watson comes in and says, what's that smell of smouldering carapace, Holmes?

Oh, never mind. Sounds nice. Dinner. Yeah. So, yeah, so I got... Well, actually, I got, I already had what I would call a travel magnifying glass, a small fold-up one.

Right. But this one, I do want to notice about it, it's, you know when they write on the packet what things, what qualities the item inside have, the itemised list. And they think, well, we want to put a few things. So they put some things that are good, and then they put, like, the most basic things,

as if it's a really strange feature. Like, with the light, they put, underneath it, they put ideal for use in poor light conditions. But that's true of all sort of torch-based gadgets, isn't it? Yeah. You don't want to be using one in bright light. What's the point? It's the worst of your battery power, isn't it?

High-quality glass lens. Well, I mean, it's a magnifying glass. Yeah, that's what I want from a magnifying glass. Are you almost hearing them in a sarcastic tone of voice? Yeah. Have you ever seen that Q a sarcastic tone of voice? Yeah. Have you ever seen that QVC when they talk about jewellery and they say the most basic things? You can imagine that fastener thing.

It would just stay on your wrist. You wouldn't have to worry about that. Yes. I bought some trousers and it said, multi-tooth fastening device, providing both privacy and easy access. There was a... I saw someone had put a picture somewhere on, I think on Reddit or somewhere like that,

of a £40 bag of marshmallows. They'd seen it. You could buy it on Amazon or something like that. £40 bag of marshmallows. And under the it you could buy it on amazon or something like that 40 pound bag of marshmallows and under the nutritional information it just said if you're buying this you're not interested in nutrition but you remember the old joke i um i dreamt i was eating a giant marshmallow when i woke up the pillow had gone you could could actually, you could use this as a pillow, couldn't you? You could actually do it. Oh, I think you could.

An ever declining pillow, as you say, it's a bit more. Were they pink and white? They were pink and white, yeah. Can you get other colours? That's fine. Of marshmallow? Yeah, I've never seen anything other than pink and white. We have been wondering what today's texting could be.

What colours of marshmallows available? No, but I'm talking about that specific, those little ones that look like... You say if you had a chair that you didn't want to scratch your wooden floor, you could put them on the bottom of the legs. Those ones I'm talking about. But I've only ever seen pink and white. Who made that decision?

That's another texting. Yeah, that'd be very... It'd be on Wikipedia, wouldn't it? Marshmallow colouring um, notifi... I'm drowning! Absolute,

absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a strong response on the marshmallows. Oh yeah? Someone insists

on Twitter that they have seen yellow marshmallows. That's from Chris Martin, isn't it? Yeah. SPG says, I've seen yellow ones. I think that might be someone taking vengeance on them. Oh, yeah.

Never eat yellow marshmallows. That's a basic rule of life. No, I haven't. We've also been invited out tonight, guys. I mean, we don't normally do, you know, like birthday requests and stuff like that, but we've had an email saying it's my wedding day, exclamation mark. I suppose if there is a day to use the exclamation mark, it is your big day. Dear Holy Absolute Trinity, today is, brackets, hopefully, set to be the happiest day of my life.

There's a lot already the exclamation mark on the hopefully. Yeah. Have you ever heard punctuation drag down a marriage like this is? I'm waiting for another question mark. As I marry my beautiful fiancée, Amy McWilliam. Question mark in brackets? Full stop. Okay.

We've spent many a happy Saturday morning. What's it say in Birmingham? No, Amy McWilliam. McWilliam. Amy McWilliam. We've spent many a happy Saturday morning. What's his name in Birmingham? No, Amy McWilliam. Amy McWilliam. We've spent many a happy Saturday morning listening to you guys while posturing about, so I thought I'd say, should any of you happen to be in Norwich tonight, and let's face it, why wouldn't you want to be? That bit was in

brackets. Please feel free to pop in for a bacon sandwich and a bit of a bop in the disco. Thanks and all the very best, Michael. We've been invited to, I think that's a wedding reception, isn't it? Fantastic. Is that a party? Yeah. And they don't mind us all wearing varsity jackets? No.

Who wouldn't? We, um... We should say that we've discovered that the varsity jacket is the technical name for the Ralph Mouth jacket, as I was calling it. People don't know who Ralph Mouth is. But then again, I heard...

I heard... Oh God, I can't remember his name. He was an ex-Liverpool player. Jamie Carragher? No, on Match of the Day. Mark Lawrenson. I heard Mark Lawrenson say, well, you'd have to be Alf Topper to catch that. Alf Topper? Alf Topper was a character

in comics when I was a kid in a strip called The Top of the Track he was an athlete, a runner he was by day he was a welder and he used to train on fish and chips and he just said you'd have to be Alf Topper

to catch, no one questioned it I need to make more people knowledgeable of Alf Topper's work I'm launching a charity called Tupper to catch. No one questioned it at all. We need to make more people knowledgeable of Alf Tupper's work. I'm launching a charity called Tupperware. Congratulations. Well, Lawrenson's doing his bit. You should phone him. It's great he's never explained

no one questioned it. He just referred to Alf Tupper and they moved on. Fantastic. Lawrenson at his best. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

Now, there are three boys today. It's me, Steve and Alan. The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town. And something happened this week which challenged my masculinity to the absolute ultimate. See how you would have coped with this? Oh, yeah. My girlfriend said to me, we were sitting in the car at the time,

have you ever thought of having a one-off parking lesson? She said that? Yeah. Oh, dear. Yeah. She's been at you this week. I don't know. In a jacket.

I don't know. Merciless. But, you know what? I have gone away. And, you know, at first, when someone makes a suggestion to you, often you get a bit spiky and say, what are you talking about, rubbish? I've gone away on my own and thought about it

and thought, you know what? That would make my life a lot less stressful if I could really, you know, reverse into a small space really. You see people do it quite quickly. Straight in. Yeah. Mechanics, when they're always moving cars about, they could park on a fifth-length piece.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe you can drive better if you've got, like, a plastic cover over the seat. Yeah, one of those big bits of paper for your boots. Yeah, exactly. But could you do it? Could you phone up a driving company and say, I'd like just an hour of parking? Definitely. And how would you do it?

Would you drive around and say, there's a space, in you go. It's just drive park, find another one near. I don't want to do too much driving. Yeah. Or do they just work with the same space? You have to come from different angles. Yeah. Then you go around the block, there's someone in it.

I've never been in the car with you, but you do seem to hate reversing. You told me that... Well, exactly. It's not natural, is it? Maybe we could source someone to teach you just an hour. you told me that... Well, exactly. It's not natural, is it? It's not natural. Maybe we could source someone to teach you just an hour. A bit like finding a babysitter.

Yeah. Someone who'd be really good at parking. Like if there's a valet... It's not like finding a babysitter at all, is it? A babysitter would just sit there while I park. This is someone who I want to say to me, here's what you want to do when you come in like that. You know, as someone who has

the formula for parking. I parked the other night, we got back to my house, I parked, I would say it took me eight minutes to park outside the house. Not a tiny space. Just typical.

Just kept it in the kerb, come out a bit more, hit the kerb a bit. Just to... I steadily, steadily, steadily inched it round. Every reverse maybe brought it round another inch and a half until eventually I was in there. I was exhausted, absolutely exhausted. If there's any wet listening, were you perspiring?

Maybe Formula 3000 or something like that. See, I'd be fine doing Formula One and stuff, because they just drive and then people... They're never really parked. It's all forward, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. You never see them reverse. Have they got reverse, those Formula One cars?

I mean, it's a bit of gossip. I read that Lewis Hamilton can't reverse. He just doesn't... Oh, well, there you go. Mucks it up every time. There you go, you see. He's laughing at me. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, this is Frank. What's the name again? Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Steve Hall this morning. You can text the show on 812.15, follow the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio,

email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'll tell you what I watched. Well, before you do that, may I just read an email that's one of many that we've had in the last few days addressing the cape as an issue. there's an email here cape fear will frank be revisiting the wearing of capes after the hashtag fallen madonna incident at the brits so i feel like it's time to bring this to your attention that uh yes new new uh new readers might not know that i i talked about the fact that i was going to start wearing a cape because it was a much...

Was it when you were reading Dracula? No, I went to a fancy dress party as Dracula and the great thing about when I selected my cape, I thought, well, this will fit. This will almost certainly fit. That's the great thing about capes. Yeah. And there was lots of pluses wearing it there.

It just gave me a lot more freedom. And I found that if one runs for a boss it's quite spectacular in a cape so there was lots of reasons clearly Madonna was listening and thought I'm having that but not only that I think Madonna might have been watching me

many years ago I was in a show called The Fen Street Nativity. And in it, I play... It's based on a kid's nativity. We all play children. And I am King Herod, and I walk to the top of the stairs and step on my own cape and fall off.

And I think Madonna saw I'm having that as well. She's got all your gear. I know, she's... I got briefly excited because I heard Someone said to me did you see the fall on the Brits That would have been That would have been special Madonna singing Bingo Masters Breakout

Well On exactly the same note It's rare that I think the Brits could be improved by a slipknot Oh wow Fabulous Well I was just happy that Steps were on slipknot. Oh, wowee! Fabulous. Well, I was just happy that steps were on it. Ah, very good, very good.

Phew. Thanks very much. I'll shoot you next week. We're done here. Forced into a corner. So this, surely Madonna falling down the stairs, Alan at last must have

proved beyond doubt that there is a God. Oh, really? Well, the great thing about it, in fairness to Madonna, it wasn't, I didn't think that it was just her who fell, but when she walked up in the big cape and she's saying that you just have to be yourself and all that stuff, I thought it kind of represents the way the brits does the way the whole music business takes itself so seriously they all think they're like philosophers and stuff and they're all imbeciles and it was so it felt

like the whole thing came down it wasn't just Madonna it was like it was so so perfect Kath said to me this is my partner she couldn't sleep that night because she was laughing in bed

so much not many people are kept awake by laughing and when I got in she said you've got to watch this So much. Not many people are kept awake by laughing. And when I got in, she said, you've got to watch this. And we sat and watched it seven or eight times the next morning, because I'd missed it that night. We watched it over and over. And I was lifted up by it. It was, oh, man, so marvellous.

What happened there? That's what I felt like saying it's kind of that's the thing that's most because the fall itself it's not it's quite a worrying fall and it's the fact

that it's her it's not there is an element a slapstick to it but it's it was startling the attitude of the nation

to one human being. Well, she's a similar age to me, and I know what a fall can mean at that age. She's going to become a woman that has falls. I say two of the biggest changes as you get older is your fear of falls and the flu. Because they're both killers. They used to be a bit of a nuisance, Because they're both killers. They used to be, you know, a bit of a noose and now they're killers. They're worried about that for Madonna, if they're just outside

her hotel room, if there's suddenly milk bottles piled up. Big coconut water bottles. But I still thought she looked great. She looks amazing. We can have this conversation, these three blokes.

Hey, she looks all right, you know what I'm saying? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what the other thing was. They were all backing dancers. They had devil horns thing didn't they were they

minotaur or devils but anyway they had big pointy horns so they were kind of

you could see they wanted to help her but it wasn't safe because of their horns it was terrible

they were moving and thinking oh god I don't want to prong her now god it reminded me I was in I think it was Lapland,

and I fell over and there was... No, I tell you what, it was Kenya. And there was an impala. I fell flat on my face, it just looked at me. I could tell it wanted to help. Wasn't safe. You should mention the dancers, I noticed in the stills, like you know the photos

in the newspapers, one of the dancers had like a tattoo of sort of text, you know quite a long yeah, and apparently that tattoo is now Madonna's bookmark that she's reacted badly we don't know what's happened to the man who pulled her over, presumably

we don't know the fall fallout that man who pulled her over. Presumably not. It's not his fault, is it? We don't know the fall fallout, do we? That's what we want to know, how mad she got. Maybe that tattoo of text was actually instructions for the dancer behind him. I think he'd just been sleeping on newspaper. It's quite... She got yanked off stage at the Brits,

which, from the sounds of things, you would have liked to have happened to you that time. Oh, happily. I'll tell Brits, which, from the sounds of things, you would have liked to have happened to you that time. Oh, happily. I'll tell you what, Daisy, our producer, was just saying what a great job Anton Deck did. But I could see in Anton Deck's eyes, I know that look. And it's the same look I had the night of the Brits.

Oh, yeah. That, please, anything. I would happily... A massive thunderbolt left me just like a smouldering pair of plimsolls to get me out of this... They both looked as if they were men. At least they had each other.

They were able to hog and weep in the... They're probably still lying in spoons now, having done it just... They were nothing. They were nothing. It's impossible to be funny at the Brits. I saw an interview with them where they were saying that they were looking back on it and thinking,

oh, that's that finished, and they look over and Madonna's had this big fall. But literally, they're just going, nothing bad's happened, oh, my God. They didn't look like men who thought nothing bad's happened. Oh, really? I haven't seen it. I'm not blaming them at all.

I know that feeling. I was that soldier. Yeah. I could see that look, that look, dead behind the eyes. Oh, poor, poor Ant and Dick. I was... Jimmy Carr as well. Oh, right.

Torrid time. I bet he's never been more happy to see someone fall over. I thought, oh, good. No one will remember me now. I was talking to a friend It's a graveyard for comics. What, the Brits? The Brits, yeah. Is it? I've never been or, in fact,

I've never even watched it. Never go. I've certainly never hosted it, I don't think. No, I was trying to remember if you'd hosted it. You hosted it, Steve? No, no. I think I was busy that night. I thought they went with Corden instead. Ah, fair enough. Did you see Kanye?

That was the other sensation of the Brits. Was he on in the show? He was. He was on. He was controversial. Was he? Lionel Richie was not happy. Oh, yeah, he swore a lot, didn't he? Well, I don't know know because most of it was muted yeah it was basically

Kanye West doing a Norman Collier tribute exactly am I right in saying that that number he did was from the new Annie movie I don't know I think it really had a look of that sort of musical thing, didn't it? It was like 50 people on stage

all in... Grey. All in hoodies. It's like, it's the middle-aged man's nightmare. You step out of your house to see what all the noise is about. Yeah, I couldn't... Yeah, it was... I couldn't really understand it, because I would say 60% of it was muted.

It was indecipherable. Did no-one say, actually, can you do another song? I say song. That's what they need to say. I say song, obviously you're not. Could you do one with less controversy in it? But I think they probably didn't feel they could say that to him. Lionel Richie's face is funny. I'm not sure how approachable he is.

Kanye. Kanye. Oh. People tuning in think he's died. He's all right. Kanye's alive and well. And being solemn somewhere. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Imagine you head to Nando's for some medium-hot wings, then a world-famous rapper shows up and causes chaos. Is that a line from the John Lennon song? No. Not my words.

The words of, I think, it might be the Daily Mail. You know, Kanye, before his headlining spot at the Brits for the O2, he went for a Nando's with his pals. Maybe not his pals, his entourage. Is it entourage? Pals is such a Scottish grammy word. With his homies. His homies.

And they went for a Nando's, and he stood on a table to allow people to take selfies with him. So all his fans were at the bottom with their phones out and he's just kind of in the background. He went full coyote ugly. It's a tricky piece of composition, isn't it? Photograph with a man standing on a table. You've got to be quite foregrounded. You're liable to lose a bit of focus on one of you.

And as a result, because it's a weird thing, he looks like he's been photoshopped into his own photo. Yes. And people are saying, oh, this is great. It's really good of him. It's really good of him to give everyone that opportunity. It's not great for the person that comes in next and has to eat chicken off some table

with two massive boot prints on it, is it? He's very tempting. They don't have plates in Nando's. I don't know, do they? Just eat straight off the work surface. It'd be very tempting if he was eating, if he was just about to bite into a Nando's, to interrupt him and go, now Kanye, I'm going to let you finish. But Colonel Sanders had some of the

best chicken of all time. Can we say that all the chicken is available? No, it's... I also like in the pictures, he looks amazing, but he's also got an umbrella in his back pocket. He is a brolly, is it? Yeah, it is, isn't he?

I don't... I stared at it for some time. That'll be a riot stick. Almost certainly. I can't believe that Kanye... He wouldn't need an umbrella, would he? Some people would... They'd form a natural arch above him.

He probably has acrobats that form a natural arch above him. Hooded acrobats. That's what Madonna was practising for. I don't... I don't know. I don't get it. I'm of an age now. I don't get it.

I don't get the umbrella. I agree. I find it weird. Like, he's meant to be kind of cool, and he's walking about with a brolly. He's not like a 1940s gentleman or something, is he? But he's also, he's got the hoodie he doesn't need. Yeah. Did I tell you I watched, I think it was Mary J. Blige, and she did a song. She's got a lovely voice, Mary J. Blige.

Much obliged. Yeah, exactly. And then she did a couple of verses. Beautiful. And then a rapper comes and he goes, Hey, you know what they do? And I thought to myself, wouldn't it be brilliant if she had never heard any rap before

and said, we do it. You know, I'm doing... What is that? You're going to just talk? Oh, well, I went down... Whatever ever made you think that that would be all right? Anybody could...

Come on, what are you doing? But it didn't happen. No, that's a shame. I always say, Ed Sheeran I enjoyed at the Brits as well. Because he just had a proper party. He won two awards. He went out.

He had a massive night of it. The photos of him as the night goes on. He just has the thousand... He looks like he's doing an impression of the Pepper Army Man. His eyes are so glazed and psychotic. But he's just had a great time. Weird bloodshot. Yeah, yeah.

I think that's just what ginger people look like if they're not in bed for about nine o'clock. And I have a ginger son. I can vouch for this, even in the two-and-a-half-year-olds. They're only a second away from the hangover look. They're a pale race, the gingers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Can I say a thought did occur to me about Kanye's getting on the table in order for people to do the selfies with him. Like, I don't think that's that original idea. I think he's got that from being in London.

I think he's just been walking about and going, oh, look, there's a statue up there, I'll get a selfie with it. Apparently there's one of him, like, just underneath Nelson's column from previous days. That would be a tricky composition. Exactly, but he's, you know, he's robbed the idea. It's not that clever, is it? He wouldn't say that if he was here.

You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah, what? You know what I'm talking about? Might he get me with his umbrella? I'm not scared of any man that carries an umbrella. That's one of my rules. If you're scared of wet, I'm not scared of you.

Did I ever tell you about when I got blanked by Madonna? Did I tell you about that? No. I was in a cinema, and she's leaving early. So she's asked to squeeze past our knees, one of those things. So I looked up, and I went, oh, hello. She just looked back at me and then looked away and carried on going. And I was with David Baddini.

He was looking at me in horror. And I said, can you believe that? You know, I've met her loads of times. And he said, have you? And I said, yeah. You know, I've spent like a couple of hours with him, reached really friendly, and now suddenly... He said, I never knew you knew Madonna.

I said, that was Danny Bear, wasn't it? And he said, no. That was Madonna. So I'd said to Madonna, hello, how you doing? Oh, I made a complete fool of her. But even so, she could have said hello, couldn't she? Yeah, she could have. And do you know I cursed her that night?

And now? Yeah. Someone had been sat, there was some premiere in New York, and someone was sat behind her, and she was texting during the film. Oh, no. And he didn't realise who it was, so he taps her on the shoulder and says, sorry, can you stop texting?

And she turns around annoyed. He realises it's Madonna. And because he's asked her to stop texting, her response was, enslaver! Wow. Wow. She's gone big there. Yeah, that's a big word. It's an overreaction, I think.

What about when I was watching Doctor No at the BFI and there was a bloke behind chatting and chatting away? And I thought, I'm going to have to tell this bloke in a minute. And then from what he was saying, I worked out that it was... Is it Ken, not Ken Morse? Who's the guy who did the designs for Ken Adam or something? Come on, Steve. I should know that.

The guy who did that, it was him telling the woman with him, oh, yes, when we did that one, of course, very difficult. We had to build the whole. So, in fact, it was like a director's commentary type thing. I thought, just shut up. Anyway, be careful in cinemas. That's the motto. Have we got time to read this email?

Oh, no. We haven't. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's been a very exciting week for me. Has it? Because they are Absolute Radio's Featured Artist of the Week

and my favourite band, Blur. What does that mean? Blur. Do we have a Featured Artist of the Week and my favourite band, Blur. What does that mean? Blur. Do we have a Featured Artist of the Week there? Blur are back. No-one tells me anything at this station. Blur, yes. I love Blur very much.

There are people who despise... Like, Blur really push some people's buttons. So when I get excited about them coming back... Now that's Tony Blur you're thinking of. I keep trying to citizens arrest him. So Blur are back and they are it's a new album, the first album with

Graham in 16 years and they're playing Hyde Park and my wife is very long suffering with this because the pre-sale went on and so I was trying to be there I'd arrange it with all my Blur fan club friends. Really? I'm 38 years old. Oh, hell! Bless you. Sorry be there I'd arrange it with all my Blur fan club friends Really? I'm 38 years old Bless you

Sorry everyone When you say the pre-ticket sales There are certain things if you pre-order the album or if you're sort of signed up to various Blur fan club things and so we'd planned it out with military precision exactly who we were going to get tickets for and I then overslept

and completely ruined the plan for all my friends You have got capacity for oversleeping and so we'd planned it out with Millie Precision exactly who we were going to get tickets for and I then overslept. No. Completely ruined the plan for all my friends. You have got capacity for oversleeping. I do, I do like a shluff. Hmm. Is that a Yiddish word? I think so, yeah. Okay, I like it.

So what's happened? Have you got a Blur ticket? I have, I managed to... The thing is, they're playing Hyde Park in. I'm hoping they're going to do some warm-up gigs because in the past when I've seen Blur at Hyde Park it's been slightly traumatic because they're wonderful butde Park in. I'm hoping they're going to do some warm-up gigs, because in the past, when I've seen Blur at Hyde Park, it's been slightly traumatic, because they're wonderful, but some of their fans can be quite aggressive.

The last time I saw them at Hyde Park in 2009, there was a guy in front of me who had another man in a headlock, and he was saying to him, if you ever mosh into me again, I am going to break your jaw. And this was during Tender. No, you know, that doesn't... jaw and this was during tender. You know that doesn't, it's a very it's quite a violent and unpleasant

place, Hyde Park at the best of times. Yeah, yeah. Didn't used to be, it used to be a lovely, peaceful, gentle place. Of course it was called Jekyll Park in those days. We've talked, we've talked, you're quite a fan of Damon Albarn's cycling style yeah he's got a strange

I think his hamstrings might be a bit tight to be honest he should really get some of the hard balls that I've got for self myofascial release that we were discussing earlier and I also did consider one of the Blur members

his old motorcycle was on eBay for sale. It's a weird bit of memorabilia, isn't it? I didn't buy it, but... Was it more expensive because it belonged to her? I don't think so, no. I think it was about what it should have been. Yeah, I showed it to you, didn't I? Yeah, Coxon was getting rid of it.

I think he was doing it for charity as well, wasn't he? I think it was Graham, not 30 seconds ago. Yeah, it was Coxon. Yeah. Kylie's playing... think she's playing she's the night after because Blur are playing and I got very excited

about doing it about getting tickets and then it was only after I booked the tickets my wife realised that I'd kept hidden from her that the gig is on the day

of our daughter's first birthday so Polly's first birthday party is going to be sat in a field with some ear defenders on. So why has that man got that man in a headlock? So you'll take her along? You won't go for babysitter and night out? No, no, no. It's a great place to go to a gig there.

And then Kylie's the day after. I saw Kevin Spacey in Hyde Park. Wasn't on stage, just behind a bush. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

Now, I did a gig this week. Or rather, I didn't do a gig this week. What is this, multiple jobs? Schrodinger's comedian, that's me. I'm such a big draw. I had a gig booked in, and nobody at all came to the gig. Not one human being.

Absolutely no one. So I feel great about myself. We should have been concerned. Instead, we just chuckled. It's good practice for Edinburgh. I consider it an Edinburgh preview. But how did that happen? Well, it's...

It wasn't your gig, was it? No, no, it wasn't. It wasn't, ladies and gentlemen, Steve Hall. No one turned up. You happened to be on. Yeah, I was on a bill. Okay. And usually when a gig's not going to sell,

you know, they'll sometimes sort of say, can you tweet it? Can you push it on the tweets? Do they? If it's not selling. Do they. Oh, do they. But it turned into a lovely evening

because the other comics, and we got to sit around just reminiscing, shooting the breeze. You know, often, ordinarily, it's a competitive arena. Someone's about to go on, someone's either done badly, usually me. So we had a nice reminisce, and we got to talking about the olden days, and I'd say that having barely been a comedian for ten years. Talking about the glorious nutters that we used to gig with. Can you still say that?

I don't know. The magnificent nutters that we used to gig with. Because we were sort of at the tail end of the eccentrics. You don't really get, on the new act circuit, you don't really get the proper loonies anymore. And we were sort of aware... You're the one I think you can say. We were kind of aware that when we were first going,

the severely mentally ill were still there. Wow. Who's on the phone? Go. Tell them apart, answer. Well, I was intrigued. Steve. What were the classic eccentrics of your...

Excentrics, I'm all right with. Yeah, eccentrics. Well, the one that everyone, I think, mentions from my era is the Iceman. Yes, yeah. Who used to wheel on a large block of ice on a trolley and then melt it with a blowtorch whilst telling quite mundane anecdotes about his life.

He sounds great. Why have I not heard about him before? Well, he wasn't entertaining, but he was the one everyone talked about the next day. Do you know what I mean? Oh, that's good. We were so happy he existed. He's what they call a comedian's

comedian. Yeah. Not too funny. It was the logistics of getting an ice block. I know he always managed to have one. Yeah. I don't know now, had he got his own show on television, I don't know what the health and safety would have been on the blowtorch, you know. I mean, he never got

hardly anywhere through it. Really? Yeah. I'm talking about, as I remember it, I know the memory, you know, makes things bigger often. Yeah. Well, I've got memories that make things bigger anyway. And it was a block of ice that you wouldn't have been able to have,

you know, you'd have struggled to lift on a trolley like a big block of ice so he never really got properly through how did he get it anywhere oh he had a trolley he had a trolley that's all i know it must have been in a car boot if you had gigs involving staircases he didn't he didn't look like the sort of person who drove he must have bought it on public transport he He must be around, the Iceman. I haven't heard of him for a long time. But he was... I like the fact that there are people like that.

We'll come back to this, I think. I've gone a bit high. Just got a little bit high. It's all right. I'll be OK in a minute. I feel alive! You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Alan Cochran and Steve Hall. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at frankontheradio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Now, we were talking about... We were talking... ...eccentrics at gigs. That's a long time ago, doesn't it?

The halcyon days of our early careers. Yeah. Different respective decades that occurred. My favourite ever weirdo that I've seen is a bloke who used to... Weirdo, I think's all right. Weirdo's fine. This is an Australian guy, and he performed under the name Hammer Time.

And he would basically do puns. Did he get a lot of MC work? He would do puns. Along the lines of, like, bad puns. Like, I got into an argument with a loaf of bread, it was a very sour dough kind of thing. And he would finish it off by saying, that's bread humour at its absolute finest.

But his twist was, he would bring a choir with him so there's footage of him on youtube where he's sort of doing these fairly basic kind of open spot gigs but he's got like seven or eight people that he's roped in who do really carefully rehearsed dance routines and chip in wow and it sort of elevates uh what's a basically a pun led set to some weird performance art level. Yeah, it really knocks out the chance of a break even on a gig as well. You've got seven choir boys with you to pay

their train fare. Yes, well I used to travel with seven choir boys. It's, yeah, it's hard to make a profit. It's good to know that Hammer Time always managed to claw it back. Chris Luby, of course, he was a famous one. Oh, yes.

He was the man who did sort of military impressions. Did you ever work with him? Oh, I never saw him, no. He'd begin, Her Majesty the Queen has two birthdays. That's how he always started. Then he would do the band. It was really impressive. Except when he was drunk.

He'd then say, and then here comes the band. Just rubbish. And he was drunk quite a lot. But I once drove him to, I think, to Glastonbury. And when we got in he went chocks away and all that stuff and we were driving down the motorway and he began rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr advice from one of the circuits at Eccentrics. Do you remember Woody Bop Muddy? Yeah! He's fantastic! Who makes a living

largely throwing rice at the audience. And a lot of it. I mean, he throws a lot of rice and it's a real mess afterwards. And he gave me a lift to a gig and a gig a lift back. And it was when I was sort of just becoming established like starting to get paid gigs and stuff

and I was asking him about agents and this and that, and he was talking about that side of things, like the business side of it, and he said, of course, it's all tax-deductible. The rice. I thought, what a great perk. Eighteen bags of rice a night.

I used to work with Paddy Field. He used to lie to us. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I also once went for a Chinese meal with a load of comics, one of whom was a Scottish open spot. I can't remember his name. I think it was Kenny.

And he presented, to use a medical term, as a really normal guy, quite a good open spot. And then we got to the Chinese, and he became a really creepy customer in the Chinese restaurant. The waitress put down the food and he went, Oh, haven't you got lovely wee hands? And everyone at the dinner table just went, Oh, this guy's one of those ones.

He's one of those odd open spots that just becomes weirder and weirder the more you get to know him. So I don't know what's happened to him. I don't know, but yeah, he was a strange one. I like that story. Sometimes we're just as sinister. Yeah. As a tone.

He's still out there at large. We've had a few texts in, Frank. Earlier on you were asking if you could do parking lessons. Well, my girlfriend suggested that I did parking lessons. This is the woman who said to me, I don't drive so much because I don't like... I'm perfect at driving, I can't do roundabouts. Right. They are. it's restrictive.

I predicted that we would get a lot of people suggesting that they could teach you to park, and almost immediately we had, I'm a breakdown driver in central London, and I could teach you Mick the Spanner. I mean, that's got to be a positive. He's got a spanner as well. Yeah.

He's the kind of guy. Hi, Frank. I can teach someone to parallel park in three minutes. Ian in Croydon. Wow. That's good. I've got a stopwatch, if that helps. Yeah.

If it runs at three minutes 15, then you can, you know. Yeah, he's made it sound like a challenge on You Bet. Yeah, exactly. Three minutes? Denise in Derby has texted, if you find an instructor that does parking lessons, can you please ask if they do garage parking lessons? I have padded mine all round the doorframe,

but I still knock the wing mirror off at least once a week. You see, it's quite hard driving. And somebody else emailed and said the Institute of Advanced Motoring do parking workshops, like little courses. You can do a module. Really? You can do a parking module. And the Institute of Advanced Motoring, they're really safe.

Those courses, arriving must be a nightmare. Leaving's an absolute dream. Wouldn't you be really late? Sorry, I've been driving round and round trying to find a parking space that was about 30 feet. I need three, yeah. I bet they do that deliberately. I bet they move a load of cars so there's some quite tight parking spots. Right.

Then secret camera. Then when you go in there, you're the subject of the seminar. Oh, that'd be brutal, wouldn't it, to find that thing? Late news coming in. You're having your hand on a piece of paper. Queen is still alive. Oh, good. All right.

Still there. Yeah. Thank God for that. It's a grand, grand old lady. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I'm delighted to fulfil my obligation on this show as murdering correspondent. That was what you called me a little while ago.

If you was to switch the light off in a room, could you say it had been delighted? Delighted? Yeah, why not? I'm going to do that. I think you should. Next time I switch a light off. Put me right there on the back of my hand. Do you want to do that now? D.

No, I don't want to switch the light off in here. Anything could happen. There's lots of them. If you remove the fortified wine from a cupboard, it's been deported. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. But I would say one thing we've learnt in recent years, if you work in radio, never put the lights off

Okay, good rule Good rule There's a story from Scotland About the happiest lollipop man in Scotland Who's been barred from high-fiving the children on their letters I have to say, the happiest lollipop man in Scotland You could probably be a manic depressive and qualified Still doesn't sound very happy Happiest lollipop man in Scotland. You could probably be a manic depressive and qualified. It still doesn't sound like the happiest lollipop man in Scotland.

Yeah. Yeah, it still doesn't sound like the top of the chart. I didn't know they still existed. Apparently they're now called school crossing patrol officers. No. They are. No way. Well, I'm not changing.

I'm still going with lollipop man. But it's a health and safety thing, isn't it? This is why they've... Yeah, what about the high-fiving? Yeah. Is that what it is? Well, I think it's safe. If you can see it,

if a Lollipop Man is keeping his hands where you can see them, the parents should be reassured. Also, he's meant to put his hand out, isn't he? He's meant to put his hand out. I think the idea is that he's supposed to stand with his arms spread and that's one with the lollipop

the bear palm and face the traffic as if to say oh wait like that in that sense they look a little bit like Spongebob Squarepants do you know that moment, do you ever get this, you're driving and somebody crosses the road and holds their arm up to stop you?

That really winds me up when they do that. Why do they do that? Like it's going to stop. I thought, you feel like, well, let's see, let's see if that would stop the car, mate. Honestly, do you ever get that when you actually have a moment when you think about driving straight at somebody? Yeah, yeah. I would say that happens about three times a week.

Yeah, it goes through my mind. I think, you know, three years in prison, read a lot of books, get fit. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it'd be great, wouldn't it? Explore both sides of my sexuality. Both? Yeah, in that time.

I think there's just two. I don't know, there might be more. We'll find out. I like this lollipop man. In the interview, he's a very jolly man. But he used a phrase I've not heard anyone use for years. He was describing how ridiculous it is. He said, it's a carry-on.

A carry-on. I love that phrase. Excellent. Does he high-five with his hands, or does he use the sign? Do they sort of dong, dong? I think it's the hands, because that was what I thought there's not that much health and safety jeopardy

there. The day he's doing high tenning and he lets go of the lollipop and it slices a child right down the middle and it falls, then that would be, then the health and safety. Then he'd be known as the scimitar man. Yeah, exactly. But until then, it's fine. I haven't seen...

When's the last time you saw a lollipop man in action? I saw one in South Manchester where I lived being shouted at by an angry motorist reasonably recently. Is it just there aren't any... Yeah, it said that. It said that they've got special lollipops now with cameras in because they get a lot of abuse and threats from drivers. Lollipop!

These are people who are letting small children cross the road safely. On what level are they abused? An interesting rule Frank actually, I don't know if you're aware of this, but the lollipop has a little black stripe on it and the lollipop person carries chalk

with which they can write down the registration of any car that refuses to stop. Is that right? That's amazing. That's a little interesting rule from the motoring correspondent on the show though. That's fantastic. Who wouldn't stop when children were... Monsters.

Horrible drivers. There were interviews with the locals at this school. What can we do about these people? Most of the parents were really in favour of them There was one woman being interviewed Who hated the fact that he high-fived Just a miserable old woman It wastes my time

It wastes my time Oh dear I don't know what This is from the country that brought you the Eurythmics Absolute Radio Frank Skinics. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You liked my little fact about chalk on the lollipop. That's brilliant.

Did you make it up? No, it's a fact. I mean, I'm surprised, actually, because I thought it was kind of boring for me to know that. But I'm celebrating my boringness in 2015. It's one of my New Year's resolutions is to celebrate my boringness. The other one is to put a napkin on my lap when I'm eating. Anyway.

That's a bit boring. That is fulfilling. That is a bit boring. What if two cars abuse him? Is there room for two licence plates? I think so, yeah. They could just write smaller, couldn't they? That's one of the options.

It's the red card, yellow card thing, isn't it, really? I think they then speak to the local authorities. But anyway, my boringness is really kicking in. I was in the popular shop T to the K to the M-A-X-X earlier this week and I didn't want anything in there except for I bought myself a packet of three. It's a boring fact. TK Maxx is TJ Maxx in the United States because they didn't want it to be confused

with the well-known department store TJ Hughes. I like that fact. I don't think that's boring. I find that interesting. I've never seen a TJ Hughes in my life. That interjection came just as Alan had said I bought a packet of three Which implies that his time on the road could have been more fun I did buy a packet of three small torches in TK Maxx

That was the only thing I wanted in the whole of a massive store And I bought three little torches with batteries in the same packet And I thought, ooh, they'll be good for camping. And that's what I bought. That's boring, isn't it? How small are they? They're about half the size of a pen. That size. Oh, they are small torches. Yeah, but bright. They're really good

actually. Are they? Yeah, I'm really pleased with them. Do you know how many lumens? Are you moving towards the fact you've got us one each? No, they're for the family. They're for the family. They're for the family. And also, even my YouTube consumption is arguably boring. I watched a nine-minute film on a man who camps in his trailer.

You know these lorry drivers that drive and they sleep in the cabin? Oh, yeah. He basically did a film showing the bit of the cabin that he sleeps in. And so it was just him going, oh, this is the beds. And over here, I've got a cupboard with an electric kettle in it. And over here, I keep the tea bags. And in this cupboard, I've got a torch. I was like, oh, he's got a torch as well.

He's got one torch. I watched the full nine minutes of it. And they call it tramping. I don't think it's as pejorative as it sounds. I think it's a word merge of trailer and camping. I see. So they call it tramping. And he was saying, you know, it's not a lot of room,

but there's tens of thousands of lorry drivers that sleep like this. And I watched it all and thought, God, that was boring. And YouTube suggested it to me based on the other stuff that I watch. I mean, what does that say about me? I mean, but what do other people watch on YouTube? This is, I mean, it's too late in the show to start another texting, but I'd love to know what other people... I very rarely watch, like, cats falling off stairs.

No, I don't watch amusing virals. No, no, we're not amusing viral kind of guys, are we? I mean, I often watch... There's one called Levitating Shaman in which a man levitates quite high in the air and he's up there for a bit. And I can't see any strings or anything. He's generally a comical chap in robes and things.

And then when he comes down and lands on the floor, he just looks a bit surprised to be back down again. I've watched that. I would say I've watched that between 50 and 70 times. But other than that, mainly Doctor Who things. My recommendations are all like, you know, John Pertwee interview from 1974 and stuff like that. But I do like those recommendations you get from YouTube.

Oh, they're great. They're actually little bits of culture you discover. Johnny Carson, I watched Johnny Carson, there's a classic bit of Johnny Carson from 1965 involving a tomahawk, that in terms of, I'd never really seen why Johnny Carson was so loved. And this one clip is like...

Hammer time, tomahawk. He never stops. Timmy Mallet will be in a minute yeah carry on I don't want to spoiler it for anyone who might look it up Johnny Carson Tomahawk and then the other things it then suggests of classic bits of

old American chat shows Dick Cavett having an argument with the writer Norman Mailer oh I've seen that it's pretty magnificent. Dick Cavett's wonderful in that. Yeah, OK. I think we've proved our boringness.

This is what I do. And the great thing is we've all contributed. It wasn't our main thing. I've got more. You'd better play some. God, we definitely need some. We need some women back on this show. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast

from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. What about going to email corner? Absolutely.

Just robbing it in. Is this spot the deliberate mistake? I just thought it's too... We've had an email from Todd Billy. Todd Billy. It's a lovely name. Brilliant. And he says, hello, Frank, Emily and Alan.

A new word to me at any rate has entered weather forecasting. Thundersnow. I know for a fact that we've been having weather since I was a boy, and probably longer, but I've never heard of this word before. Have you? I haven't. I haven't even heard it on the weather forecast. Have you heard that?

I've heard of it. I've seen it in an American thing. Thundersnow sounds like it should be Jon Snow's Tinder profile. Having talked about YouTube, there's a very enjoyable bit on YouTube of a US weatherman in the recent snows in America losing his mind because there's about seven individual bits of thundersnow. And it's this meteorologist just loving his job

and he's gallivanting around in the snow. That's the first time I'd ever heard that word. I'm assuming it is thunder that accompanies snow, is that right? Yeah, I think it's a very specific set of weather conditions that create this thundersnow. I think you need an uplifting wind,

I'm not sure, but I think that is it. What about, what's happened to lightning? Thunder always used to work with Lightning. Thunder's got a new partner. And Thunder's no sounds better. Do you think there's going to be pained interviews with Lightning in the magazine? It'd become a sort of Jennifer Aniston figure.

Look at those two together, Thunder and Snow. Look at those two on the red carpet. I think it's great. I think we should actually have more specific weather words, like, you know, rain, lightning. But you always get rain. Maybe you get lightning without rain sometimes. What about car fog?

Car fog, because you only really worry about fog if you're in the car, if you're driving. Why else would you worry about fog? It's just fog, isn't it well i grew up in victorian london as a pedestrian i found it fairly i'll tell you what i would like them to predict you know when you get the big sun you know what this there's like one night in the year when the sun is absolutely it's like the last dregs of the sun at the end of the day and it's massive it's like the last dregs of the sun at the end of the day. And it's massive.

It's like the biggest... It looks like that, you know. Do you remember Lembert Hopit used to say there was a meteor heading towards the Earth? That's what it looked like. I don't know if... It is the sun or is it the moon? You're looking at me like it's the moon.

I was wondering if you meant that low winter sun that's awful. But I mean, look, it's massive. It's much bigger than you normally see. Oh, OK. I get confused with the sun and the moon. The mega sun. Mega sun, yeah. It's one of the great...'s awful. But I mean, look, it's massive. It's much bigger than you normally see. Oh, okay. I get confused with the sun and the moon. The mega sun. Mega sun, yeah. It's one of the great job shares, isn't it? The sun and the moon.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had an email from Andy which I think is appropriate for you to discuss on the last link of the show. Team, I listened with interest to your recent discussion of Bob Dylan using the phrase, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise. You went on to speculate as to whom popularised this saying.

Good grammar, to whom? I wrote to you a year ago to say that I had heard a clip of Hank Williams saying this at the end of his old TV show. It was on Radio 4's Great Lives. As usual with my emails to your show, it was not read out. I'm not bitter. As a middle-aged man, I'm used to being ignored. That is all, Andy.

Are you sure you're not bitter, Andy? It's a little corner of email corner, passive-aggressive email corner. Yeah, I like midlife crisis email corner. Yes, well, apparently, I had an idea it was earlier than Hank Williams, the ending, but I'm happy to give it to old Hank.

Yeah. Oh, I love a bit of Hank. Hank Williams once went on to, you know he's a notorious sort of drunken and pittle popper. Oh, I love a bit of Hank. I'd say Hank Williams once went on, you know he's a notorious sort of drunkard and pill popper. Oh, good. He went on stage and said, you guys come all the way out here just to see old Hank? And they all went, yeah.

And he said, well, now you've seen him. And he walked off. So he's quite a colourful character. I love his song, Move It On Over. Oh, yes. Because it's a song about his wife won't let him in, so he's got to sleep in the doghouse. And so he's literally saying to the dog, move it on over,

move over, skinny dog, because a big dog's moving in. But I love the thing, like, people don't sleep in doghouses anymore. No, it's just a phrase now. Because a doghouse would absolutely stink. Do people still have doghouses, though? Yeah, I don't know. The kennel is dying out, isn't it? We've got a cage and my wife has made our dog a giant,

sort of a big envelope. It looks like a pita bread. She's made this big sponge. It's like a flat thing with a sort of a lid that the dog can burrow into and go on sleeping. But not in the garden, indoors. Indoors, yeah. Be careful if you arrive home really hungry.

Exactly. Some drunkard going past. I'll lock the girl down. I find them a bit crunchy, those whippets. True. They're all right if you put a bit of chutney or something in there. Is that right? Yeah.

Okay. She's made him a big pitter. I'll bring a photo in for you next week. A whippet pitter. Yeah, that's right. That could be a thing. A whippet pitter site, so we can buy you. Marvellous.

Okay. Maybe I'll get a child pitter for my son. Yeah. Why not? Hmm. Or a bap. Yeah. Child bap.

Nice. You know what? Thanks for listening, by the way. Thanks again, Steve, for coming in. Cheers. You're so on the team. It's squad rotation. So if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio, back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.