The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Lard of the Dance

Episode Date: June 9, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has has had an IEM which he shares with the team. They also discuss food re-branding, walking boots and the Obamas at Buckingham Palace.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Those are three options. There's probably other things. You could turn up. Turn up at number one, Golden Square. Be careful. Is that a bad thing?

I think, be careful about that. Yeah. What do I do now? I've said it. Yeah. That's your autobiography, number four.

Yeah, exactly. What do I do now? I've said it. It's not that I fear for them, it's that I fear that they'll be disappointed. Oh, thanks. Don't make your heroes think.

I've made an effort today, actually. Yeah, don't make your heroes. I've made an effort today, actually. Yeah, don't meet your heroes. You're right. We've got a running thing on this show. I've had a pretty good run of meeting heroes.

Have you? Yeah. Who have you met then? Oh, the Queen. The ones I've met. The Queen? Is that his hero? He did very well with the Queen,

didn't she? She was sharing a prank across the Albert Hall at him. I did used to carry a picture in my pocket. Oh, yeah, lovely. Now, when I've met, you know... Do you mean the notes?

Yeah. When I've met boxers and footballers and stuff, I can't think of one that's really let me down. Oh, really? I do it again for about ten minutes, you know. Right, not too long. You don't go into a relationship with someone who's been your hero. No.

I don't know who that'd be. Funnily enough, it's all a bod, I suppose. Yeah, maybe. But then I think she now runs an ostrich farm in Bloemfontein. I don't think I could have lived like that. Still running. Is she? Oh, yeah.

Glad to know you're not doing midnight frantic Googles on her. No, I... I was. Did you know about the ostrich farm? There's a documentary with her and Mary Decker. Do you remember Mary Decker? I do. I do.

She fell over Zola's leg. Mary Decker Slaney, was it? Yeah, she became, I think, Slaney. Married to Richard Slaney. Yeah. What if she'd have married somebody called Decker? She'd have been a double Decker instead of a double Barold. Has anyone ever done that?

Married someone with the same surname and still gone double Barold? Well, that'd be good. Yeah. So if you've ever heard of anyone who's done that, which you won't have, so I'm not going to bother finishing even the sentence, which I think Ronnie Biggs once said. So, yeah, already I forgot what I was even talking about.

You were talking about Zolabar's ostrich farm in Bloemfontein. Exactly. Has she moved on to footwear, Zola? Do you know that about her? Has she gone footwear? No, I saw in this documentary, you see film, because Mary Decker can't run anymore. She had some sort of injury.

Well, yeah, Zola Bud tripped her over. She did not trip her over. She ran into her. It did look like it, didn't it? Oh, come on. Anyway, if you had bare feet, would you trip over someone in spikes? Good point.

That's why her plan was so masterful. She still runs. Well, if you're around ostriches, you're going to run, whether you want to or not. True. Yeah. But, yeah, still well. She'd be a prime candidate for those barefoot shoes that people have,

wouldn't she? Why not? She should have had a crop. What are barefoot shoes? Those ones with individual toes. Oh, they make me absolutely sick. I've got a pair. I know a lot of people that have them.

Oh, that makes it better. I don't go out in them. I must admit. You don't? Have you really got a pair? Yeah, but I picked them up and boxy. Gratis. You get sent all sorts of stuff.

I haven't heard that word, boxy, for ages. But yeah, anyway, got them free. Anyway, this won't put Rob Bonnet on the ITV Sports Show. So let's move on. We had an email yesterday morning, strangely. Yesterday morning? Friday, 9.30am. Does it say, Dear Dave Berry?

No. Okay. It says, Big Moment. And then it continues. Strangely. Yesterday morning. Friday, 9.30am. Does it say Dear Dave Berry? No. OK. It says Big Moment and then it continues. You know, we've talked about this. This is when someone tells you something they think you won't know and it's usually a thing that everybody knows. OK. Yes.

The original Big Moment was just shared in my office. Not one person was unaware of the fact. I described it as a big moment to an office full of non-readers of the show. To much confusion. Praise redacted, Jack. What was it? The original big moment. The big mo was Gary Oldman's sister.

And every one of them knew it? Every single person in his office already knew it. But that's the point. That's exactly it. Yeah, then it was a successful... You might think it's a numbers game that one person wouldn't know, but no, everyone. I had a bit of another thing,

an idiotic eureka moment this week, when you suddenly notice something. Oh, I heard someone... Is that my phone? I think it might have been. I think it was. Oh, Daisy. Was it Daisy? Is he looking bashful?

Was it an email through? Shall I tell you what it Daisy? Was it an email through? Shall I tell you what it is? Was it GDPR? Oh, I love that. Do you know, they're like a needy ex. I love them for that. It is good how Beggy would forget. Please don't leave us.

This is your last chance. I'm not asking again. My last chance was never the last chance, was it? It's actually... It's the Oxford Dictionary of Philosophy App Word of the Day Do you want to know what it is?

Why don't you just get Tesco loyalty Things like the rest of us Who Alerts or Poetry Corner Word of the Day is macrocosm Oh excellent We'll leave it there I'll keep you Next week's It's Macrocosm. Oh, excellent. Oh, lovely. We'll leave it there, I think. I'll keep you... Next week's Word of the Day, I'll keep you...

What if I do that every week? I'd like that. The Oxford Philosophy Apps Word of the Day. I like that. Yeah. There is a definition. They don't just leave you hanging. Oh, that'd be good.

Oh, God. No. Not at the OPA. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What was you? Oh, I was on about my idiotic eureka moment.

Oh, yeah? Do you remember, it may have been last summer, Emily, maybe it was the summer before, I'd run out of free sunglasses and found myself in a the predicament where i had to buy a pair outrageous and um i remember it well and so you took me to um a shop oh now what shop story gets worse i think i believe it was called the sunglass sunglasses

heart yes well i remember you liked the i think you thought it was called the Sunglasses Hut. Yes. Well, I remember you liked the, I think you thought it was going to be some tiki hut. Exactly. I thought it was going to be a barn, some kind of a barn. And we'd have lays placed on you. I thought it would be an out building.

But no, it wasn't. It's a building. It's a brick building often. It is. It's a shop. Are you familiar with... Yeah. ...Songlasses Hot? Yes. Yeah, I thought I was. And then I saw one the other day and I thought,

hold on, it's not Songlasses Hot at all. It's Songlass Hot. No. That's what it's called. Oh. And I thought, wow, what is sunglass? That's a thing you never hear.

Is that what the stuff in sunglasses is? And it's because she got two pieces of sunglass. They are sunglasses. Is that what it's called? But it's called the sunglass. Like some of, I mean, as you know, I've read Treasure Island recently.

It felt like something, you might get like read Treasure Island recently. It felt like summer. You might get like spyglass or something. Yes. And who knew? Because it's a pair of sunglasses. It's never in the singular. No, exactly. I mean, could you get...

First of all, is there such a thing as sunglass? Is that what that stuff is called? Yeah. And could you get a sunglass monocle? Probably so. Say if you walk to work in the morning and the sun comes

on one side of the street and then when you walk back it's moved over to the other. So you could just have a monocle for the walk out. And then when you walk back you could switch monocles over I mean you'd need

obviously you'd need the same prescription but I suppose if it was a sunglass thing you wouldn't need a prescription at all I don't know if you can get a non-prescription monocle

you tell me 8, 12, 15 if there's any monoculists oh wow they're all coming in thinking those responses

there'll be opticians if I went into an optician and said I'm looking for a monocle, would they not want to say, oh, no, we don't really do those anymore? Half price. Yeah, I bet it wouldn't be. I bet it would be at least the same.

You've got to pay for the string. This sounds very attractive. I thought you were going to say the grafted goes into it. Not even on a nice leather string. But isn't that weird? For me, it's been the sunglasses hot for two, since me and you went. Not even on a nice leather string. But isn't that weird? For me, it's been the sunglasses hot for two, since me and you went.

I hadn't heard of it before. You can't let me have some romantic mini break. Well, you took me very much in a take me to your leader. It was very Mork and Mindy, the whole thing. Because she said, oh, those are really nice. They were all like 125 quid and I just laughed. Obviously, they're not that much. He didn't even think to ask the prices. He didn't know.

I honestly thought they'd be like in the 20 quid. He said it would be like 12 pounds. We have to bear in mind that he had just worked his way through 17 free pairs, hasn't he? I know, exactly. And that text, imagine everyone sitting on losing and stuff. It takes to get through that many pairs. Have you still got those sunglasses?

The sunglass hot ones? Yeah. I have them in my pocket. Here they are now. Do you use them regularly? Only when it's sunny. Okay. Good rule.

Even though I am partially famous. I never wear them for that kind of thing. The worst kind of thing, I think, I know some people need these, but people that don't need those react to light repeat glasses and wear them, I don't like that. That's a terrible look.

That is the worst look, people in slightly shaded glasses. Reading glasses, yeah. You're in Clinton cards and there's someone in slightly shaded glasses. Reading glasses. You're in Clinton cards and there's someone in slightly shaded glasses. If they've got, I don't know, something in there, you know, they've got contractivitis or something like that. I think my manager had it.

But if they've got that, fine. So don't text in, oh, I know, I've got a manula in my retina. Don't text that, I know, I've got a manula in my retina. Don't text that. I know. I'm sorry, but shut up about it. I'm not talking about you.

I'm talking about people who think, oh, I'd just look a bit cooler if I wear these. And then it doesn't. If you're thinking that at home, get some clear ones. Because I always associate it with people who get involved in show. Yeah, okay, who get involved in bad stuff. Yeah, we know.

Okay. We know what we think it is. Okay. Okay. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You were talking about the double-barrelled name earlier. I was on about if you married someone with the same surname. Yeah, with the same surname, so it's not double-barrelled. Well, it would be double-barrelled name earlier. I was on about if you married someone with the same surname. Yeah, with the same surname, so it's not double-barrelled. Well, it would be double-barrelled, but if I married someone called Skinner, would she change the name to Louise Skinner Skinner? And it just seems a bit wrong.

Pointless, even. Especially as you've got a partner. Well, yeah. It's wrong on several levels. George Bland has been in touch. Don't be've got a partner. Well, yeah. It's wrong on several levels. George Bland has been in touch. Don't be so hard on yourself. Hi, Frank. What about former Man United footballer

Eric Jemba Jemba? Yeah, was he hyphenated Eric Jemba Jemba? I believe so. Are you suggesting that Omar Jemba married a bloke called Jemba and thought, well, I'm not giving up my family name. good for her so i really hope so so respect headstrong women through history don't we yeah but what is going

to happen in say 10 years time when all because when i was a kid the only hyphenated names was sir jeffrey ponsonby smith they were all those people yeah but now because a lot of people um don't marry the kids have got the double-barrelled surname. Yeah. What happens when they marry kids with other double-barrelled surnames?

Oh, yeah. Well, it's just going to be ridiculous. Oh, man. You're going to have a driving licence as long as you're on, just with your name on.

Yeah. But what will happen to that? Because you're going to upset anyone if you drop one of those. And where, will there be a hyphen in the middle of the two hyphenated names they're just gonna 12 15 anyone from the registry

office you're listening i remember when we registered our child the woman said to me well at least it's nice and easy to spell this one boss and i said yeah well said, yeah, well, you know, I would have looked it up. She said, people don't. People come in and say, I want to call her Melanie, M-A-L-N-Y. And I'm never sure whether they just can't spell or whether they've got a wacky thing. She said, but we're not allowed to say, actually, it's normally spelt, blah, blah.

She said, so now there's just a lot of terribly misspelt names he said i think a lot of them are completely accidental people think that's how you spell it and i said broken britain she said you said a mouthful and then we signed and left what happened to that woman i wonder whether with her opinions she's listening tell us if she's listening, tell us at 8.15. If she's listening, if that registered. It'd be nice to hear from her. We've had some texts in regarding monocles. Oh, good. Rob West from Yorkshire says,

I bet Jacob Rees-Mogg wears a sunglass monocle. I hope that that is correct. I think he might get the nanny to walk in front of him with the parasol just to get it out of his eyes. It's a good question though. How does Jacob Rees-Mogg keep the sun out of his eyes? Because I can't see him in a straightforward pair of shades. No. I can't see him in a sunglass hat.

Aviators, no. No, and he wouldn't wear, you know those sort of sun shades that one always imagines the dogs wear in the Dogs Play Pool? Or the visors. Popular picture. I don't think any of them actually do, but I always think of the dogs wearing visors. That's a good question.

I think the incredibly posh tend to eschew the sunglasses. I thought your question was going to be, what are the dogs wearing in the Pool Playing picture? What are they wearing? Text in 815. I know there's one leaning over the table who's just wearing a white coat, if I remember right. I always think, oh, you don't want that against the table. If you're going to actually play, put some trousers on. Good point.

I mean, come on. I might recreate that picture with my dog, Raymond. That would be good. You can't have one dog in it. No, I know, but I'll get Catherine Ryan. She's got a shih tzu. I'll get a whole load of them. Get my friend's dogs.

Yeah, you could. I mean, if you're going to have dogs that size, you're going to have to get a smaller table. I'm suggesting barbilliards. I had a dog you could play barbilliards with without needing any barbilliards, if you receive my meaning. He was old then though.

Frank, we've got a Specsavers. Quickly, listen. If you go into Specsavers to buy a monocle because they always have offers

of buy one, get one free or they give you a pair of glasses. But I don't want a pair of glasses. I want two monocles. A spectacle. Yeah, I want a monocle that just stays in my top pocket like a reserve parachute. Okay. If I lose that. I mean, I don't know why the monocle has died out. There's a lot of people that

must just be a bad sight in one eye. Yeah. Why is the monocle? There's basically Chris Eubank and, is it Mr. Planter? That peanut that wears one. Oh, yeah. Yes, I love his work. I think that's it for the monocle. I might, because my right eye is all right. It's the left one that's a bit rubbish, but I might go monocle. Do it.

Yeah. It's a bit villainous. I always sit there, it's just Frank. I'm not. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together,

the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I bought some some walking boots this week. Oh yeah. Which is a big thing to some walking boots this week. Oh, yeah. It's just a big thing to buy walking boots. I mean, buying shoes is a risk. Yeah.

But walking boots, you're going to go off and do maybe a 17-mile day or something like that. You've got to get it right. How do you do that? Walk around the shop is not enough, is it? Well, when you were going off to get them last week, it was a bit Captain Oates. It was, yeah. There was something very poignant

about it. They're going to be your friends for two or three years, and if you get it wrong... Remember the first time I went, I went in a pair of sort of post-punk red things I'd bought in Camden Market. I thought, I went in a pair of sort of post-punk red things I'd bought in Camden Market. I thought these would be alright.

And the blister pain, oh my God, day one. I don't know if I'd said this, but I had massive blisters on my feet, and a guy said, well, in the army, what we'd do is we'd burst them with needles, but we'd leave the cotton on.

You know, the cotton on the end of the... He said, then what you do is you drag the cotton through the blister. Oh, right, so it takes all the moisture. And it soaks up the moisture from there. Did you do that? So I lay in this bed seat on the... That's a lovely story. And Kath had this needle with the cotton on, and she went through there.

And she was about half way through, and she knelt down at the side. And I thought, I said, why are you kneeling? And she said, I've sort of semi-fainted. It's so horrible. It's made me go a bit light-headed and dizzy. So I don't want to go through all that again no nor do we so I went to what happens is you try them on

they measured me like remember the Clarks with fitting I do when I take Buzz for shoes he gets that done but they don't seem to do it to adults. No, not so much. They do for a walking boot.

No, I don't think they have that at Jimmy Choo. No, I've never heard that at Jimmy Choo. But you'd think at those kind of places, exactly where they would have it. But they'd probably realise that no human foot would actually fit into one of those shoes if you were stuck to the paperwork in front of the people. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I did once run on a treadmill to get running shoes. I did that once. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was just an anecdote. All right. No, there are some running shops where you can run on a treadmill to see if you, is it overpronate or whatever. Is that right?

Yeah, and then they give you the right shoes to counterbalance what you... Yeah, because they said to me, you lean a bit on that right ankle and all that stuff. I mean, maybe it was true. Yeah. But there's one where there's an alley at the side of the shop and these blokes, they go and run up and down that alley. I'll watch you.

Yeah. That's good, isn't it? That's nice. Did he say, mind your car? So I'm there, like I've got a suit on and trainers.

Run past two blokes, you know, in black Crocs and checked houses, smoking by a beer from the local restaurant. Anyway, so... So you had the measure of do, there's a pseudo mound.

Oh, really? They have a pseudo mound in the middle of the shop with simulated rough terrain on it. Really? Do you walk up and down there? Yeah, it's like a small hill in the shop that they have. That's good. Did you feel a bit silly, Billy? I felt, I'll tell you what,

they've got on the wall a big picture of a mountain. I think the idea is that you sort of, because you're walking up a pseudo mound with simulated rough terrain, and the mountain picture's going to give you a real feeling of the whole experience. They should give you headphones for snowstorm. Yeah. Really atmospheric. But I give you headphones for snowstorm. Yeah.

Really atmospheric. But I didn't need them. Okay. Fake views. But I did that. I mean even though they had the mound I probably did it you know two to three minutes or maybe wore those boots

for the whole thing and that's good. That's a good run. They gave me some walking socks to three minutes. I maybe wore those boots for the whole thing. And that's a good run. They gave me some walking socks to put on. Actually, I was... No, I'll tell you after. After this, because the fez is on the table. Okay. You see that thing in my voice then when I went in the fez? Yeah.

That's happening to... Does your voice re-break as you get older? Oh, I see. I've had a few of those. Yeah. That's happened in, does your voice re-break as you get older? Oh, I see. I've had a few of those just lately. What do you think?

Oh, it goes a bit sort of Mavis from Coronation Street. Not really, no. I have started noticing that

increasing in my, could be the end of my radio career if it becomes. In two years it'll be like working with Joe Pasquale.

Yeah, it will. Yeah, Tiny Tim. Google him so yeah so I ended up buying

125 quids worth of walking boots whoa they were amongst the cheapest in the shop I thought so yeah

for I've worn for two or three minutes and then I'd go and wear them for 17 miles. I mean, what chance have you got? It's like marriage. It is very much like marriage.

You know someone for 18 months, and you think, oh, yeah, I'll take it. And then you're going to have a whole life imagining that the blisters aren't going to come later on. Well, wake up and smell the... What do they smell? Coffee. Yeah.

Yeah. You're unmarried, aren't you? I am unmarried at the moment, but who can say? I'm a lover. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Frank, famous monocle wearers, this is from 307, also include Lord Charles. Oh, of course. And Sir Patrick Moore and many of the Prussian military. Lord Charles, in case you don't know, was a... I don't think we've reffed the Prussian military on here before. Oh, we will be soon. Print, I don't get that but it sounds

ominous yeah the prince are not prince charles lord reference to the russian military how i was going to miss here yeah um they're not prussian though are they no i was pretending to miss you oh sorry you know um it's only one letter sorry i've unpicked the whole doesn't have to start Sorry, I've unpicked the whole facade. Doesn't have to scan, I thought. But Lord Charles was a ventriloquist, Poppy, in case you don't know, who was like an aristocratic figure. Who operated him? Ray Allen.

OK. I've worked with him. Of course you have. He had a slightly breaking voice. This was the voice of Lord Charles. I remember he was on with a female um assistant on the show and he said well you're a pretty little thing aren't you so had he lived he sounds very emancipated yeah i also said he could could could eventually have been involved in the whole sort of

current scandal good question could ray allen't Ray Allen have said, you know, it'd be like that Anthony Hopkins film, Magic. Well done. Well done. Oh, Frank. I remember him. He had very red lips, Lord Charles,

didn't he? He did. He did a very fine joke once on Celebrity Squares. Was he one of the squares? Yeah, I think he might have been. I'd be so upset. I think he might have been

in the Prestige Centre Square one week. Do you think he was on the same as everyone else? Well, he was on with Ray Allen. He wasn't on his own. Oh, okay. And he said, Bob Monkos, who hosted it, said, what is a rumbarber?

Do you know a rumbarber? It's a sort of a... Dessert. Yeah. He said, what is a rumbarber? And Lord Charles said, what is a rombarber? Do you know a rombarber? It's a sort of a... Dessert. Yeah. He said, what is a rombarber? And Lord Charles said, fellow who cut your hair by the lungs of it.

And what was brilliant is because only a character like that could use the word rom as an adjective. So I thought it was a great, it was a brilliant moment. Yeah. It had its moment moment Celebrity Squares

they used to when the American I'm going to stop talking about it but the American Celebrity Squares which is called Hollywood Squares used to have a man in the middle who was gay in the day when no one could say they was gay so everyone knew he was gay but you couldn't say gay because people would

stop watching or whatever they do, writing letters. And he would sit in the middle, being like the gayest bloke on television, but no-one would ever, ever mention... It was like in the 50s. And somebody said, the question was, do chimpanzees kiss? And he said, yes, very well! Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran

You can text the show on 8 12 15 Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website Some very sad news in, Frank. Apparently, former Man United footballer... I thought Arj had gone missing again.

No, no, it's worse. No, he did split up with the GC recently. Oh, did he? Yeah, he was dating the GC. I didn't know that. Yeah. How long did that go on for? Daisy?

A few years. A few years? Yeah. You're joking. I don't think anything that those people did went on a few years. But anyway. Yeah, apparently some sad news. Eric Jemba Jemba, he's now bankrupt, unfortunately.

What? Playing for Man United and now he's bankrupt? I know. I'm really sorry to hear that. Sorry not only for him, but for his debtors. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. He's probably glad that we've moved past the point

as a society where we have debtors jail, hasn't he? Yeah, I should think so. I should imagine. Is he still in Manchester, Eric? Don't know if he is. Double D, as we used to call him. Did they? No.

240 has texted... Double Jamba. 240 has texted, Celebrity squares in the 50s would have just been all the uncool people. Oh, squares. Oh, yeah. I was prepared to wait. I was just going to wait. Oh, yeah.

I was prepared to wait. I was just going to wait. I wasn't. Of course, squares now are the cool people, aren't they? Yeah. You know, you wear glasses now. When I was at school, if anyone wore glasses, they were written off as an individual. The world has gone mad.

Now people are wearing them. They don't even need them. Tank tops? Yeah. Are the cool ones now? We were discussing monocles earlier. Nine Zero Zero

has texted, what about split glasses on string that come together with a magnet? What about those? Oh yeah, I tell you who wears those.

Michael Gray. I'll tell you who doesn't wear those. People with nose piercings. Because that magnet would be surely... What it would do, it would draw the... You'd rip your nose ring out. That would be on the bridge of your nose What it would do, it would draw the...

That would be on the bridge of your nose and it would very slowly, because it wouldn't be a terribly powerful magnet, or it'd take your fillings out. All your fillings would be on the roof of your mouth like bats in a cave. But maybe you wouldn't be able to... If you had fillings in your lower teeth,

you'd put it on one of those glasses, mate, you wouldn't be able to. If you had fillings in your lower teeth, you'd put on one of those glasses, mate, you wouldn't be able to open your mouth. A severe underbite. I mean, imagine if you were going to a lovely black tie event, had your hair and make-up done, and then that happened with the glasses. And then you couldn't open your mouth because you had a magnet in the bridge of your nose glasses.

And also, your nose piercing would be steadily, desperately making its way up one cavity trying to reach the source, the attraction. I'll tell you what, it's made me rethink my potential nose piercing and my potential glasses held together in the middle of the magnet. Out of the three of us, who is most likely to get the nose piercing? Me. Yeah, I would agree with that.

I think so. Who's the most likely to have metal fillings? Can I say I'm the least likely? Yes. Okay, thank you. I've got quite a lot of silver in me I've got some not silver

what is it what were Phil's feelings that's a funny way of saying your age 8, 12, 15 zinc was it oh you can't was it zinc or that no

no I'm thinking of something else I think it's a mixture isn't it no it begins with M doesn't it M yeah that's what it'll be M Mika

no remember there was a Grace Kelly. M. Mika. No. I remember there was a Mika quarry in an early episode of an early Batman comic. I'm going to remember what it is. Are you going really route one? Is it metal?

No. Mercury. Yes. Oh. You see? We work together as a team. I don't think it is. Mercury's poisonous, isn't it?

Yeah. Anyway, I've got quite a lot of that. I remember there used to be... Amalgam? Amalgam? Amalgam. We're getting a lot of texts in about debtors' prisons. We get quite a few in from debtors' prisons.

Well, we've had a correctione. Oh. From someone, Mullet. I think you should be more worried about Jemba Jemba's creditors than debtors. Oh, you know what? Debtors owe you. Creditors are owed by you. I'm just saying, hashtag. No. Hashtag.

Go on. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione.

Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Correctione. Cor. I must admit, when I said it, there was doubt in my mind. But, you know, without doubt, what are we? Fundamentalists. Someone said magnesium. Magnesium. I think that's...

Isn't that a trace element in bananas that's good for us? And didn't it? You can milk it, can't you? And use it for stomach problems. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's all got very... Whatever happened to stomach problems? Yeah.

Sort of upset tummies and things. Stomach ache. No one gets that anymore. Do you know what people don't get? They don't get earache anymore, do they? I think we've had that before. Okay. Why are we still talking?

Daisy is looking absolute daggers at me. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I want to talk to you about a potential rebrand, guys,

that I'm not H-A-P-P-Y about. So where are we working now? Some start-up in Old Street? I've gone very Partridge there. Heinz have apparently been kicking around the idea of changing... What on earth is going on? This is a bottle of... This is a verbal clue. It's not verbal. Audio clue.

Jacob Molly! Radio clue. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Heinz are kicking around the idea. Is that a tub of salad cream that you've got there? It is. They're talking about changing the name to sandwich cream. Yes.

I mean... Isn't butter sandwich cream? Yeah, it sounds like bad margarine, if they call it sandwich cream, doesn't it? It sounds to me like a by-product. Oh. It's the sort of thing, you know when you used to get supply teachers in and when they taught, you'd get that white stuff in the corner of their mouth.

That's like saying he got a bit of sandwich cream. Sort of salivation. Sometimes you get like a strand between the centre, the top lip and the bottom. I can't bear it when people get that. I have some self-respect. It's not like that. People don't know, you see, that's the problem. I know.

Well, I tell them. Yeah, so it's Heinz I like to call them it's Heinz Kraft actually isn't it Heinz Kraft well I've got they've sent me

coincidentally I've been sent a bottle of salad cream by Heinz I don't think it mentions maybe they're on a big thing Coincidentally, I've been sent a bottle of salad cream by Heinz. Well, is it a coincidence? I don't think it mentions... Oh, you think they're trying to... Maybe they're on a big thing, that's why the whole thing has happened, I don't know.

And they're saying... I think they're by appointment to Her Majesty the Queen, according to this. Yeah. She gets involved in all sorts. Yeah, I don't know if she'd keep lending her name to all these private companies. So the thinking behind it is that millennials

don't sort of relate to salad cream as something they would put on salad. Can you remind me again what age range we're talking about with millennials? From 1980... Oh, Daisy says 1981. Oh, for goodness sake. I thought it was people born since the millennium.

That would make sense. Yeah, that's what I thought. From 1981. Okay. And then it's Gen Z from about 1990-something. I still don't know why they need it changed if they're not using it on salad, because, I mean, hardly anybody is putting salad cream on salad, but it doesn't matter, does it? You're still eating it. I don't know why they need it changed if they're not using it on salad. Because, I mean, hardly anybody is putting salad cream on salad, but it doesn't matter, does it?

You're still eating it. I don't know. Although apparently we're eating it less. I'll be straight with you. I had sort of got into my mind that it had already been a rebranding and that salad cream was now called mayonnaise. That's what I thought had happened. Oh, no.

Oh, Frank. Oh, Frank. No, I didn't mean to sound quite so impatient. That was such a trivial matter. Sit yourself down, because salad cream is a far superior product to mayonnaise. Yeah, absolutely. 100%. Well, I'm going to try it when I get it.

It just so happens I have a bottle in my hand. Oh, yeah. A German Chancellor this morning. Yeah, exactly. I spoke this morning with the CEO of... Heinz Kraft. Heinz Kraft. And, no, I think what...

I used to get... We had a footballer played for West Brom called Joey Mayo. All right. And I always, because he's from the past, I always think of Mayo as an old-fashioned thing. I don't know if it is, really. I think it was all salad cream when I was a kid. Joey Mayo, the only chant I ever remember

that was genuinely negative about your own player. And his chant, his regular chant was, Oh no, oh no, Joey Mayo. That's tough, isn't it? It's not that friendly, is it? That's tough. But of course now I'm surprised he hasn't been phoned up for sponsorship

with the mayo industry. Not massively surprised, but a little bit surprised. Quite a strange ambassador. Joey Mayer, former West Brom player. It's probably about, probably my age. I'm just trying to imagine how that would go down, the person who mentioned that Joey Mayo, former West Brom player. It's probably about... Probably Mayo. I just can't imagine how that would go down,

the person who mentioned that in the meeting on the street. I was thinking about maybe getting Joey Mayo in for a couple of personal appearances. What does everyone think? Yeah. There must be other famous Mayos. Imagine the bearded creators with their fat wives. Simon Mayo.

Simon Mayo, of course. Oh, come on, Al. He was the man to call. Yeah. Unfortunately, he's changed his name to Simon Sandwich Cream. I think that was a mistake, but, you know, you can't tell these people.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What do you think about salad cream, Emily? Frank asked me because I've got a mouthful of crisps, which is why I'm sounding like that. Yes, people from the fashion industry eat crisps.

Yeah. You heard it here first. Particularly when they've left that industry. There's no stopping me now. It's like those footballers, like Larry Lloyd who played for Liverpool. Next time I saw him on telly, I thought he was looking over the back of a sofa.

He's got big. I have gone a bit razor-udder. You haven't. You haven't. Au contraire. Crisps are nice. That's the point. There used to be a thing when I was a youth

called sandwich spread, it was called, which is really treading on the toes of butter. Isn't it to call it that? Yeah. And it was, I think it was salad cream, but with little bits of vegetable in it. I remember that. So you had the entire sandwich filling in one.

Was it like a primula? Mmm. That's more of a cheese spread, isn't it? That was a cheesy spread with ham bits in it. Now this was salad cream

with bits of food in it. Yeah. They looked like the sort of food. They looked like someone had vomited, basically. You know when you're looking for loose change down the back of your sofa

and you pull your hands out and there's those bits and you don't really know what they are. It was like that in the salad cream. But it was nice. I remember it being nice. Well, I like salad cream.

I'm a big fan of it. You made that clear. I sometimes... You've become a massive fan since you saw me get a free one this morning. No, no, this is controversial. Who says spank salad cream on it? But I sometimes put salad cream on fish and chips.

I eschew tomato sauce What you talk about with this? And, I mean, I'm glad that this has had a response

that's quite positive in this room because sometimes I've told people that and they've acted like I've been like an ogre. Like,

oh my God, you do what? Well, if I was going to be, I don't know. Was I directed at me? No, imagine if I put it on a hot dog or something, people would be outraged. Yes, I'd be. Well, if I was going to be... Was that directed at me? No, imagine if I put it on a hot dog or something.

People would be outraged. SRB? Well... SRB. SRB. A sausage in a roll in a box for me. It was a cinema advert. Sounding a bit toppy. Can we do that again?

One, two, three. I'm going to go bass. One, two, three, four'm going to go bass. Okay, I'll go right. One, two, three, four. SRB, SRB. A sausage in a roll in a box for me. There you go. A bit of harmony. I took a bit of harmony in.

I can't believe I missed rehearsals for this week's show. It's so frustrating sometimes. Yes, I like the idea of a sausage in a roll. I hadn't thought there might be a name for that. And why did they need to make it all cutesy and add for me? But it was a hot dog. It was a hot dog. It wasn't even in a box, was it? It didn't have a top on it, did it?

If it was a box, it wasn't very sturdy. It was a raft. It was a hot dog in a raft. It was a George Raft. Google it. Hot dog in a raft, I know. That's what their song should have been. Can I be honest?

Do. Was that Simon Cowell's autobiography? I'm sure it was. He told that. Yeah, something like that. Oh, okay. I didn't try salad cream up until a few years ago. Love it?

Not really. Put it on a load of tinned tuna for a sandwich? We never had it. I think you've just been crossed off a list at Well, I know. Kraft.

Heinz. Kraft Heinz? Heinz Kraft. Heinz Kraft. Okay. I think it was just something that I saw it as a little bit

watching ITV back in the day. Oh, yeah. Did you see? I think it's one of them. I remember when I first came to London in 91, I remember being roundly mocked for liking beetroot. Oh.

And it was seen as a sort of working class thing. And within four or five years, the sour sort of delis started having beetroot in and the last laugh was on me same thing happened with hounds tooth check but I haven't got here time to talk about the way I've led so many

trends over the years in many ways I'm the Anna Wintour of the Anna Wintour of the low life world a thought did occur to me Frank a thought did occur to me, Frank. A thought did occur to me. Like, you know, if we get rid of salad cream,

what next? Before we know it, we'll be saying goodbye to tartar sauce. That is a... Come on! Oh, come on! Oh, my. I forgot a jingle. Celebrate it.

Oh, I've got a jingle that was made for this moment. Just keep talking. Okay. I've got a jingle. Just remember that. Okay, I'm remembering. Tartar sauce. Tartar sauce, you're remembering.

And it's absolutely perfect. Is it a special one? Daisy might have took it off. Is it a Jose Mourinho special one? In the end, no, it's gone. Oh, no. Hello. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, sorry, Gerry. Oh, no. Here we go.

Here we go. Oh, sorry, Gerry. I thought you were coming in again there. Which I think is a quote from the Battle of Britain. Al from Aberdeen. I'm with Alan. This is how we find out. I put salad cream on my fish and chips too.

Long live salad cream. Long live? Long live is great. I don't even put tomato ketchup on fish and chips. Do you put anything on it? I put salt and vinegar on it. Oh, good shout. I think that is what you're

supposed to put on it. I don't want to suggest I'm some narrow-minded conformist, but it doesn't need anything else. It's marvellous. When I was a child, this would be our Sunday tea, right?

So we'd have Sunday tea at about 4.30 and it would always be exactly the same is this dinner by the way supper uh yeah well yeah well we used to have a bit more a bit it's cooked hot food well oh it would be often but on a sunday we would have tin salad. What? Which was like chopped carrot and peas and stuff in salad cream in a tin. So we'd have that. And then we'd have tin salmon often with that, which people still eat. Kath and my partner has about six tins of tin salmon a week. Really?

Does she? There's probably something bad in it. No. I'm living with a tabby. It is. It is a week. Really? Does she? There's probably something bad in it. No. Like living with a tabby. It is. It is a bit. Sometimes, you know, Sometimes I'll go to kiss her

and, you know, I mean, as much as I love her, it's very, very fishy. She's got good skin. It's good for the skin, the salmon. Is it good for the skin? Yes, that's why. Anyway, so we'd have that.

And then we would have tinned fruit salad with tinned carnation cream lovely which we'd pour over it

oh that was very sweet wasn't it yeah so tinned salad tinned salmon tinned fruit salad and tinned cream that would be our salad

this is when I was I was living with Robert Scott and the Antarctic. And it was cold nights. But yeah, that tin salad, I think that might have gone there.

Yeah, I don't know about that. I know about all the rest of them. Also, that's not salad. Peas and carrots. There was all the little tiny chopped beans that had been cut with scissors. So there was no iceberg in there or gem. What are those beans called?

They're quite fat. Runner. Not the thin ones. They're kind of like spongy pods. Big fat beans. You know the ones I mean? Broad beans? Might be broad beans.

Yeah, broad. We had a bowl... Stuarts, we call them. We had a bowl of... I call them Chrissie's. Oh, lovely. That's his dad, you see. And I'm older, was the joke.

So I don't know if it's broad beans. They're quite fat, spongy. And we had a bowl of those. And the babysitter come in and said, that is the biggest edamame I've ever seen in my life. And you think the world has just changed. It's changed. You're listening to the Frank Skinner

podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. I had a dream last night that George Orwell was still alive. Why did that happen? That's not what happened to Martin Luther King.

Why would that have been in my mind? I was just at a party and somebody said, I said, who's that guy? And they said, it's George Orwell. I said, he's dead, said, who's that guy? And they said, it's George Orwell. I said, he's dead, isn't he dead? And they said, no, George Orwell, no. He just doesn't write stuff anymore. Even your dreams are impressive.

I mean, that's wonderfully intellectual, isn't it? You dream of George Orwell. I can't even remember his party once or anything. At a buffet, I mistook salad cream for the cream for a chocolate cake it was salad cream and I can't ever eat it again that's from Daniel Doyle

from Sydenham is it Sydenham? you're looking DJ Skeptical no I'm not I'm just saying that would put you off, though, wouldn't it? Yeah. I'll tell you a food I do think needs rebranded.

Not salad cream, but offal. Because I don't think the British are very good at eating offal, and I think it's because it sounds like it's awful. It does sound a bit like awful. I mean, there's a nominative determinism to it. Yeah. Sweetmeats, which is what they used to call it. There you do get that.

That's what they used to call it. Tubular balls. People would munch away happily, wouldn't they? Yes, I went there. I heard they're going to rebrand the Antarctic to the Deck Arctic. Oh. So worried about that. It may be some time.

Yeah, they're worried about the image and all that stuff. These sponsors, they are so disloyal. Yeah. Tell you what doesn't need rebranded. Superfoods. Superfoods. They've got exactly

what it says on the tin thing. I tell you what needs a rebrand. Lard. Lard is actually very good for you. Shut up. It is. I use lard. The trendoids like it now. It's better for you than

butter and margarine. It's got the right sort of fat. Lard? Yes. People think there's a West Indian church in this studio if they walk past. Lard! No, really?

I thought lard was the absolute worst thing in the world. No, lard is our saviour. Sorry, we're not

slagging off Radio 2 if anybody thinks it. It's really good for you. But because it's lard... Yeah, the good lard, as we call it. Yeah. It's now been rebranded.

Yeah. And great if you're going out clubbing. Lard of the dance. Yeah. Part of the dance. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, and we love it when you do. Right, guys? Yeah. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. People have been sending in...

I'll tell you what that felt like. You know when someone goes to the door in a film and there's a bloke standing behind them with a gun and they say, Are you coming out, Dave? No, I'm not coming out today. Thanks very much. Oh, what can I come in for? No, I'm not coming out today. Thanks very much. Oh, what can I come in for?

No, it's not convenient at the moment. And they walk away and you think, how could you not know? Did you hear my voice go again? Yeah. No, you're being too paranoid about the Mavis thing. I'll tell you what it is. I watched a Batman and Robin animation this week.

Oh, yeah, that'll be it. And it was based on the 1960s Batman TV series, and they had Adam West no longer with us, sadly. Loved him as well. But he's doing the voice of Batman, and he's an old guy. Right. So they're saying that the commissioner, who's not the same actor, would say,

what do you think of this, Batman? Well, I think it's pretty bad. And you think, oh, well, you think of this, Batman? Well, I... It's pretty bad. But you think, oh, well, you think it's bad. And I'm starting to feel maybe that's happening to me. I need to do plenty of visual stuff while I still can. Yeah. OK. Well, it's shocking.

No, I meant audio. I meant audio stuff. Shocking revelations this morning on Absolute Radio. Someone's going, I tell you. Frank, we've had some lovely pictures sent in by some of our readers of Heinz vegetable salad in a tin. It's still available, it looks like. It's still available? Well, unless they've... I mean, it looks like it is.

I can see the sell-by dates on the top. These look current branding and packaging to me. Wow, it really feels like post-war. But I suppose there's always a war somewhere. Good point. Here's a thought on the food front. Ploughman's lunch. Oh, that's a good one.

There used to be a thing in the pub. I might just have a Ploughman's. It was such a thing. It was part of everyday vernacular. But it was bread, cheese and branston pickle. But that was it, wasn't it? That was it. Maybe a lettuce, one lone

lettuce. No, I don't even think the lettuce leaves. A Ploughman wouldn't have anything to do with it. I think it was uncluttered by vegetables. Yeah. It was just those three elements. And so popular. Really popular. I remember. And it would be a bigger chunk of cheese

than you'd ever eat at home. Yeah. Which is what you want when you're out. Yeah, absolutely. And you were in the process. And then the lobster being a big feature. Yeah, I wonder. Just the cheese.

I don't know if the... Sarah, does this ring any bells with you? Oh, she's heard about it. You know about the Ploughmans? 26? Yeah, she knows the Ploughmans. There was a film about it called The Ploughmans Lunch. There was, with Jonathan Price.

And it was about, you know, the cynical 80s. And it said that it was part of a marketing campaign, The Ploughmans Lunch. Some advertising guy just came up. Ploughman didn't eat that. No. They didn't eat Branston Pickle, no. No, they didn't have the bread and cheese thing, Ploughman.

What did they eat then? They'd like a BLT. What, Piers Ploughman had a BLT? Club sandwich with a bit of mayo. Coronation chicken sometimes. I don't know what they ate. They varied it. Text in on 8-12-15 if you know what the Plowman ate.

Depends what they were ploughing that day. Whatever came up. Yeah. Raw garlic. Maybe they had like the equivalent of the Yorkie or the Marathon. Because they were the truck driver, really. They were. Frank, we've also had a framed

picture in of the dogs playing pool oh yeah and and and does one of them look like he might well just to confirm on the sartorial front we have a visor oh there is a visor that's good there's a pipe one has a cigar you don't want that out bays. And one has, what I like, is a small cropped bolero jacket with the sleeves pushed up. Oh. Onto the elbows. I'm not totally sure what a bolero jacket is. Sort of, if you think of an ice skater might wear one.

Oh, okay. Do you see? A bit matador. What always frustrated me about it is I've always been told that dogs can only see in black and white. Did they? So it's a game that... They'd have an awful time at snooker. Must have been an eternal

game. Lots of dispute and confusion. Feelings of terrible inadequacy. I mean, if that is a fact, they should have been playing chess. Well, yeah, exactly. I don't think they're a fact, they should have been playing chess. Yeah, exactly. Why are the dogs... I don't think they're that intelligent.

The good news is my dog thinks I'm much more glamorous and better looking than I am. Yeah. I look like Audrey Hepburn to my dog. Come on. Check me out. There'll be some people that know. I'm right.

I think the dogs only see in black and white. I think that's OK. I don't know. Yeah? We'll see in black and white i think that's okay i don't know yeah we'll see in five frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio mulligan has been in touch on the twitters to tell us that you can get Ploughman's lunch in a packet. I always keep some in my drawer at work in case of emergencies. But doesn't the bread go off? Well, it's a snack pack, so they've got crackers,

which isn't a traditional Ploughman's. However, on the front of the packet is one element that I think we forgot to mention, which is the large, solitary pickled onion. Oh, was that part of the flailman yes very much so because i always had to ask sans onion i knew about that but i just assumed that it came under the category of pickle that we'd already discussed no that was branston yeah you're right okay you're right nice try you've got branston and a pickled onion double pickle. Double pickle. Wow. As nobody calls it. Double pickle.

I like that the person from either Kraft Heinz or Heinz Kraft said that the current name, and I quote, doesn't represent its usage occasions. I love that. Wow. Yeah. That sounds like the sort of things Jennifer Aniston would have on a list about Brad Pitt. Loose usage occasions.

That's great. Yeah, I'm going to start using that. Other sauces don't do that. Tomato sauce gives no indication of its usage. If it was like steak and chips sauce, then it might. Or fish and chips sauce. Barbecue sauce, maybe. All right, yeah, you got me on that.

Okay, but... Burger sauce, maybe. Brown sauce. Very basic. Also called daddy's. You're right. Also called sometimes fruity. Is it? That's true, yeah. Also called sometimes fruity. Is it?

That's true, yeah. Yeah, fruity sauce. Yeah. Come on. Come on, guys. I'll tell you what has taken a... does exactly what it says on the tin approach to sauce naming.

Hot sauce. Yes. Keep it simple, Morrie. Give us you one before we move off this. Too hot, some of it. Soy sauce. Only the other day, my son said to me, only because he had a spelling test at school

and they're doing O-Y this week. Oh, yeah. Okay. So they had boy, toy, and they had soy. And he said, I don't know what that is. I said, you know, it's that sauce. And I showed him a bottle of it, which I had in the cupboard. Yeah.

And he said, oh, that's soya, is it? Is it from soya? And I thought, I don't in the cupboard. Yeah. And he said, oh, is it, that's soya, is it? Is it from soya? And I thought, I don't know the answer. I think it is from the soya bean. No, is it? I thought it was a rice-based product.

We don't know. It feels like it should be, but I dropped me in it. Okay. I've always thought, of course, that KFC should be called Battery Hen. Oh, no. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We had a chat earlier on about your new walking boots, didn't we? Yes. And we've had an email. Are hiking shoes comfortable? Dear Frank, you often see people in running shoes and tennis shoes, etc. that don't actually play the sport but wear them because they're so comfortable.

But I've never seen anyone in shoes specifically designed for walking wearing them on any other occasion if they're so comfortable to walk in why is this i walk on the white cliffs each day and the only people i ever see with problems or putting plasters on are people with hiking shoes i did see a pair of italian women walking the cliffs in stilettos but that's the wonderful thing about italians and they have no problem at all. Are they actually worth it? Well, it's not the Italian women.

I don't know. Is she worth it? No, I think it's a good question. Maybe I've been conned. I've never had more pain from shoes than I've had from walking shoes. Really? I was walking to school with... I've been trying to break them in this week. Right. I don't even know to break them in this week. Right.

I don't even know if you break in shoes anymore. Yeah, I haven't done that in a long time. You used to buy shoes and then just wear them around the house until, you know, until they'd stop crying. Well, you had to accept that you would have sort of Captain Oates feet for several weeks. Yeah. I'll tell you something else as well.

Was he a captain? Yes, I think he was, yeah. I'll tell you something else. He perished captain? Yes, I think he was. I'll tell you something else. He perished anyway. I remember when you used to buy a new car. They all perished. Spoiler alert. You used to buy a new car and then you used to have to drive it really slowly.

Running in. You used to have to run it in, yeah. Running in. Did you really? It's a thing. What, they would tell you that at the garage? It was a standard thing. I mean, I didn't really know many people who got a new car, obviously,

but people who bought a new car, for the first 1,000 miles or something, you're supposed to do like 20 miles an hour. Just take it slowly, like dating. Just to get it used to the idea of being out there. Speaking as the show's motoring correspondent, I've run in a new motorcycle in the past. You do the first 600 miles under a certain amount of revs and then you can go crazy.

I think that's urban myth. Well, there is a conspiracy theory. It's a rubbish urban myth. A motorcyclist told me that they don't really need running anymore, but what they do is they tell you to run it in because obviously it's a new machine to you. They don't want you just getting on it

and going crazy. Take her easy. Yeah, take it easy for the first 600 a new machine to you. They don't want you just getting on it and going crazy. Take her easy. Yeah, take it easy for the first 600 miles. Take her easy. And then you know the machine, Alan. Then you know the machine and what she's capable of. I was out with my child and he was racing with this other kid racing ahead

of us. Literally racing so they'd pick a lamppost. Good fun. And he shouted, my dad can't of us and literally racing so they'd pick a lamppost and whoever got there first good fun and he shouted my dad my dad can't keep up because he's got walking shoes as if there was some sort of obligation that came from the name oh you've already given him shame frank oh but i've given him comedy What better gift could there be than that? Without a... Oh, no, that's about singing.

But anyway, it made me laugh. The Guardian. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, what else? Well, I just quickly want to say 507 has been in touch to say

my walking shoes are the best. Purchase them and we're straight into the mountains. Good. Yeah. Well, I'm good, you know. With no issues whatsoever. I hope you purchased half a size bigger. That's from Corinna from North Wales.

And she'll know the mountains. I had my, of course, well I had my I had my width. Yeah, well I was going to phone Tina Turner about it. Hmm? River Deep. Oh, yeah. No, they did my width fitting. So, you know, I'm trusting them

totally. Oh, okay. There's one of these, there's a very experienced man dealing with me. I could tell I'd done a lot of walking. And then he was called away and sent over a Cadillac Youth. Oh, that's a shame. And I thought, whoa. And he banged the front piece down right onto the end of my toe, you know, when he was measuring me.

Sounds like you've got some residual anger you haven't dealt with. No, I, you know, I like to see young people getting on. Okay. That's important. I want to talk about Barack Obama this morning. I've seen see young people getting on. OK. That's important. I want to talk about Barack Obama this morning. I'd like to see him get off as well. Oh, goodness me. Sorry, I've just read some quotes from the paper.

Sorry, carry on. I want to talk about Barack Obama, late review. Who? Well. Forgotten. Remember him. Who? Well. Forgotten. Remember him. His security detail, his former security advisor called Ben Rhodes.

He doesn't sound very secure, to be fair, because he's just written a book about all his clients, which is a great sign of his credentials. Anyway, it is quite interesting because he was talking about a visit that the Obamas made to Buckingham Palace back in 2011, I think. Smushy. And the little detail that I enjoyed was a butler informing Barack Obama

that there was a mouse in the room. And apparently, Barack said, don't tell the First Lady. And he said, well, we can get rid of this for you, sir, if we'd like. He said, no, no, no, just don't tell the First Lady.

And I like the sneakiness of Barack. You say you like, I see him in a different, to me, it's got an element of, you know what they're like. Oh, I see, yeah.

He's got a bit of that, oh, don't start her off. Bit 70s. Yeah, it is. Yeah, I see him as. It's got a bit of that, oh, don't start her off. Bit 70s. Yeah, it is. I've seen him as a super sort of cool modern man and I'm thinking, oh, don't tell her. Her indoors. Can you imagine what we'll have to put up with?

She finds out. It's got that feel to it. Yeah, yeah. Do you think he said, oh, I'll be another two hours waiting for her to do her make-up? Maybe. I hope so. I hope he did. Also, in a hotel, presumably, if there's a mouse in your room, you would kick off and demand a different room,

but presumably they would have been in the second-best room in the palace and the next room would be... No, Prince Philip gets that. Come on. I don't think he's in the same room as Her Majesty. I think it's known, isn't it, that they sleep. Yeah, because when the intruder broke in, he spilt the beans, the broad beans.

He did. But I like the way that the Buckingham Palace guy, he said, Mr President, pardon me, there's a mouse. Which I thought would be a good autobiography title. I should have called it that. I would read that book. My dad once was in the kitchen. We lived in the kitchen.

And my dad suddenly, he was drying his hands on a tea towel. He suddenly leapt full length like a modern day goalkeeper and he'd seen a mouse going along the skirting board and he leapt and caught it in the tea towel

did he? never amazing and he took it outside I was waiting for him to just squeeze it like a lemon but he took it outside and released it in the garden. Oh, did he? He was in his 50s. Fabulous piece of athleticism.

He leapt like a goalkeeper. Do you think he was influenced by Peter Bonetti, the cat? Oh! Catching a mouse. Order! Excellent. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, er... We're at the palace. We're at the palace. Discussing the Obamas' visit. When a butler told them that there was a mouse in the palace, they must have thought that they were at the start of a fairy tale or something,

mustn't they? I think I'd have said where on the off chat if they said they're on the stair. Yeah, it's a strange, I would have been because imagine what surprises me is first of all they stay at the palace

because isn't it true but isn't it true that you too have to fly on separate planes for security reasons because if they don't want

them all to get wiped out at the same time if the plane crashes so you think security how many people do the Obamas

bring in those days security wise yeah why aren't they in the bedroom getting rid of mice that mouse should have been shot down.

Nine, I've got it, nine. Nine, thanks. They stayed in a premier inn in Victoria. Oh, okay, fair enough. I'd have been worried that that was a Putin-esque listening device. The mouse. Yeah, yeah, the robotic mouse. Do you remember that mouse that had a human ear grafting onto its back?

Yes, I do remember. Couldn't you imagine the Russians using those to listen in to? Absolutely. That's probably what they were made for. We're all for that poor mouse. It's probably MI5 coming up with a mobile listening device. And also, how tempting would it have been for one of the security detail to just shoot the mouse dead

and get promoted? promoted like the third best in the security team must have thought this is my chance if i blow this mouse's head off i don't know i think i think it'd have been frowned on you think so i think firing if you're gonna shoot guns in the palace it's like an instant promotion to me but you're gonna have a good reason they didn't even shoot the queen's intruder. Okay, calm down, Yvonne. Not like the glory days. I knew that's where I didn't want to go. I like

that he said that he likes the Queen, apparently, Barack. What's he going to say? No, he didn't say this publicly. He said it to his security detail behind the scenes. He said she reminded him of Toots, his grandmother. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Because she didn't suffer fools, gladly. And whenever people say that, it's an interesting one, that, isn't it? Because I think, are you sort of saying they're a bit unpleasant? A bit of a nightmare. Yeah. Is it a bit of a git time, is what I'm saying? Well, I think yeah

because I love fools do you yeah they're endless why do they fall in love though well I don't know when I was watching Love Island for the first time last night it's full of imbeciles even

is that the theme tune why do fools fall in love yeah it is it's just a big question mark Can we just establish where we stand on fools? Well I like Me and David Baddiel used to have this

classification of fools and idiots and idiots were people who you really didn't like, they were unpleasant blah blah but fools were like lovable Oh okay We had another category as well but it was basically just me and him in it what was that no that was it me and him um no we didn't but but but we you know a lot of our people we loved were fools

whereas idiots tend to be like the guy who i told you saw the naked bike ride and said, weirdos. Yes. Those kind of narrow-minded. Yes. So, no, I like fools. I suffer them gladly. Okay. Well, not like Toots or the Queen.

No. I think the Queen must be surrounded by fools. Surely. I mean, as we speak, I can see that's the catch. Surely. I mean, as we speak, I can see that's the catch. She said they had gold chargers that they ate off, Michelle. Yeah. Gold chargers?

Yeah. No, they were gold plates, and she thought... Not plates, not chargers. I was thinking... Not like an iPhone gold. Like a special apple shop for only the posh. You just have an apple on it that's the dessert but I thought a chart

isn't a chart just supposed to be made out of bread I don't know what this bit is we'll come back we'll give you a chance you've gone a bit pale you've had a linguistic melt confused. You've had a linguistic meltdown.

You'll be alright in a minute. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It must be difficult to keep a big building like the Palace free of mice

because it's so big and sprawling and presumably they can't have what's going on over there you guys alright I've got something you spilled something I've got newspaper print on my fingers which I've got all over the desk and and Sarah champion is coming soon and I she won't like it she can't deal with it. It looks like... She strikes me as very tolerant and good-natured. I know, but she won't like dirty fingerprints on her work surface. It really looks like I'm at Scotland Yard. Also, do I want to leave my fingerprints around?

No. They could be taken, copied, copy my world. Can I just say, whatever happened to newsprint on your fingers? Well, here it is. It still exists. I've picked up the Daily Telegraph. Yes. And all the things that make you sound like a colonel.

I picked up the Daily Telegraph. Went round to see my friend. Not the Daily Express. Does the Daily Express still exist? 8, 12, 15. No, don't do that. Yes, it does. It's too late now. But I say it's a paper I have only ever read when I've picked it up off a seat when I'm getting off a plane.

Yeah. I think that is their distribution method. That's right. I've just been given a note to say that Sarah Champion's coming up next. I've just said that. Is that it? What am I, a publicist? We spent so long getting the newsprint off your fingers,

we lost the link. I know I've really got dirty fingers now, I must say. But hey. Still, that's all lovely. I think we're at the end of the show. That is a broadcast. Strangest thing you've ever said in your whole life. Yes, I'm hoping that'll be on our tape for the...

What are they called, the radio awards? The radio awards. What are they called nowadays? It's arias. Yeah, the arias, well done. All right. See? See?

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I don't think they'll use that bit in my time capsule. I've got dirty fingers, it's all lovely. Exactly. I'm sure I they'll use that bit in my time capsule. I've got dirty fingers. It's all lovely. Exactly. I'm sure I might have said that before. I've got a combine harvester. I've got a combine harvester.

Why have you gone into catering? So, look, that's basically the end of the show. And I say basically because obviously I'm still speaking, but what I mean, I'm moving towards the climax of the show. And thank you for listening. I know it's not always easy. But I have a mountain of people that tell me they listen to this show whilst driving their children to things like cricket

and ballet and... And distraction. Cage fighting, one bloke said to me. What are they? Oh, the children go to cage fighting. Apparently it's a big children's cage fighting circuit.

That's nice. Yeah. And the bar's obviously a bit close together. That's the basic difference. Weird. I was appalled and enthralled

simultaneously so thanks for listening and if a lot of people by the way have sent in stuff about shows I've done

this week at the Sower Theatre thank you for that but I don't read out praise as you know but thanks it means

everything to me not everything everything is an exaggeration but thank you I didn't read them I'm going off hearsay But thanks. It means everything to me. Not everything. Everything is an exaggeration. But thank you. I didn't read them. I'm going off hearsay from Emily. Yeah.

She said they got nice stuff. They were lovely about you. There might have been some very derogatory stuff, but who needs that in their life? To hell with you. No, they did say lovely things. That was before the dirty fingers comment, however. Yeah, exactly.

Well, let's look back on that as the golden age. So, look, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps,

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the Southeast on 105.8 FM.