The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Late Review

Episode Date: August 8, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the G man (Gareth Richards) is back whilst Alun is away doing his Edinburgh show. Frank discusses his scary book and flying ant day. The team also talk Keith Richards, Noel Edmonds and snacks of choice after it was revealed the Doctor Who cast are no longer allowed biscuits on set. Emily, Gareth and Frank also give their #latereviews

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and a mystery guest this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio,

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. The G-Man is in the house. Hello! Here he is. Gareth Richards. Many of our older readers will remember that the original three on this show was me, Emily and Gareth Richards.

And Gareth has returned. I'm back, baby. This is awful. I keep talking over you. I'm back, baby. This is awful. I keep talking over you. I'm ruining your big moment. You always do. That's why he left. Now you tell me.

Saturday morning! Oh, yes. No one remembers that, Gareth. You still got that? In fact, I tell a lie because Wayne Oliver has tweeted us and said exactly those words, Saturday morning,

and he's said them in caps. Awesome. Not need to shout. It's very exciting to be back. I was thinking it's a bit... I was thinking whether it was like when Robbie Williams came back to take that. Right.

But that's not quite... It's not quite the same because they didn't replace him when he left. Most awkward thing you've ever said in your entire life. I'd always thought of myself as irreplaceable. Yes. And yet... Well, there are still people writing saying you are.

Oh, that's lovely. Oh, come, come, we miss our cockerel. But you'll do for a few weeks. What it's more like is it's like in the Beatles when Pete Best left and was replaced by Ringo. Are you going to keep coming up with it's like when?

Imagine the buzz if like Pete Best had returned to the Beatles while Ringo was on holiday. Well I think that could have been worse. Imagine that. You know there was an example when the Beatles went Ringo was on holiday. Well, I think they could have been worse. Imagine that. You know, there was an example when the Beatles went abroad and I think

Ringo was ill and they did bring him and they didn't complete best. They got another blow. Oh, no. That's out of order. You've never had anyone else apart from Alan on here, have you? Oh, this conversation's been awful. You mean there's been others?

Well, there's that barmaid in Wiccan. We were on a break. Yeah, exactly. Shut up about it. Calm down. Anyway, welcome back. Thank you. It's lovely to have you.

You haven't changed a bit. We have been on tour together the whole of last year, so it's not so... I know. Yeah, I mean, you know, I recognised him when he came in this morning. Yeah. Anyway, here we are

And, ooh, now It's the Edinburgh Festival at the moment Which is why Alan Cochran isn't with us And my girlfriend is up there Yes Suspicious much? Just saying, they're both there What stays at Edinburgh?

What happens? What happens at Edinburgh ends up on Twitter. Yes, almost certainly. I don't know, unless it's a rubbish show. And then it never gets mentioned. So anyway, I'm home alone. I did the scream face, the Macaulay Culkin scream face. So I'm home alone.

So I went to bed and I decided I'd have a read, you know, as you do in bed. And I read, I'll tell you what I began, Dan Lino and the Limehouse Golem. Are you familiar with that? Oh, I am, yes. It's by Peter Ackroyd. I've never heard of it. I know Peter Ackroyd. Oh, well, it's absolutely terrifying. Androyd i've never heard of it i know peter akroyd oh well it's it's absolutely

terrifying and i'm in bed on my own there's quite a lot of murder in it early on violent horrible i don't know about you i hate murder it's one of my pet hates i don't want to fall out with you over that no but it's uh and there's a lot in there and I started to get a bit, you know when you're in the house on your own reading a scary book, I honestly started to get a bit frightened and I stopped

I thought I'm going to have to stop reading this so I stopped reading it but the fact that it was still in the room I still was a bit frightened and honestly, I got up and I took the book into another room. That's how frightened I was. In the end, I wasn't frightened of the story. I was frightened of the actual book.

It was the weirdest. It's like the never-ending story. Like, it's a magical book that somehow holds the evil within it that you're frightened of. Is that what the never-ending story... Oh, I don't like the sound of that. I won't be it that you're frightened of. Is that what The NeverEnding Story... Is it? Oh, I don't like the sound of that. I won't be reading that, Gareth.

I had to quit early on. Oh. But, oh, man, it was terrifying. They should have certificates, books. Why don't they? Films do. Yeah. That's a lovely little idea.

Yeah. Anyone... I'm going to suggest that to publishers worldwide. Oh, speaking of certificates, there's something I read this week which made me laugh, but I'll tell you after this. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. So, um, Frank, wait. 793 has texted. Welcome back, Gareth. Can we get some stories from your...

Hang on, let me finish reading, darling. That's how it works. Can we get some stories from your train journeys? Oh, well, it's been four years. Have you kept them all in an enormous almanac? Wait, I'll just get it out. So... That would be like the never-ending story.

I've just got a book of train journeys. I haven't seen the never-ending story. Can we establish that? Have I seen it? I haven't read it. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen the never-ending story. Can we establish that? Have I seen it? I haven't read it. I haven't seen it either. But it's the never-ending reference. It's not as long as you would think. No. So anyway, I was looking at one of those,

what's that called? I-B-D-M I-D-S-I. IMDB. One of those. Internet Movie Database. And it's one of those. And it was, I looked up Song of the Sea, which is, are you familiar with it? It's an animated film. And I was trying to check if it would be all right with my son. This is on the theme.

I've now decided this morning that books should have certificates. Yes. Parental guidance. You can read one with an adult at the side of you. Or have it read to you by an adult, maybe. It could be. I thought that used to be the case. When we used to read Judy Bloom, which is for young adults.

Yes. And it features some of the sexuals. Oh. Well, it does. Can we? Yeah. We can't say it. I know, I used to find those books in the library.

And, yeah, I bet you did. At school. No, but they used to say in the bookshop, I remember my mother saying, is this suitable? They would say, I think it was 15 or over. There should be a big certificate on the front, 18. It should have been on the line. Anyway, so this was, I looked it up, and this is,

I wrote it down, I was so pleased with it. It's a description of a children's film. So the idea is it tells you what to worry about. Joy of the Sea, sorry. Joy of the Sea. Sorry, Song of the Sea. That's where I looked up the joy of sex. Oh, Joy of the Sex. That was a longer list.

Joy of the Sex. Here we go. Song of the Sea. A boy puts his sister on a leash. A group of elves turn fairies into stone. A girl's body slowly wastes away some pipe smoking. Well, I can't let Buzz be subject to that.

No, I don't think it's suitable. Forget about it. So, yeah, so that's... So, anyway, I can't go back to that book now. It's really frightened me. It's properly frightening. I understand that. I can't go back to that book now. It's really frightened me. It's properly frightened me. I understand that. I don't think you should. I mean, you know, it's so...

I like to have a novel on the go, but your average English novel is so terrible. Frank, you can't say that. Oh, they're always about... You shouldn't read the average ones. No, exactly. They're the best... You shouldn't read the average ones. No, exactly. They're the best. Read the big ones.

No, they're always about sort of a woman who spent her childhood in Sri Lanka and could remember the smell of saffron in the evenings. I mean, for God's sake, who cares about that? They notice so much stuff. Can't middle-class people just meet up and tell each other these stories? Save a lot of trees. We do, but we like to write it down as well.

No. So I'm just, you know, because the last ten books I've read have been science fiction. I thought I need to read something that hasn't got an alien in it. But not one of those stupid books. What are you reading at the moment, Gareth? Oh, I'm reading How To Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran. Oh, yeah? How's it going? It's good. I like it.

I thought there'd be more specific instructions. Is there a kit with it? I thought, yeah, there's not. I think it's actually aimed at women. Oh, what's the point? It's really good. They're preaching to the converted. Yeah, aren't they. I think it's actually aimed at women. Oh. What's the point? But it's really good. They're preaching to the converted. Yeah.

Exactly. Oh, dear. Are you really reading that? Yeah. It's actually very good. It was a bit... It took some getting into, but there's some really good bits.

I've enjoyed it. You don't have to say there's some really good bits. I think she should use it on her publicity. It took some getting into, but there's some really good bits. Yeah. I, um...

What about you? Well, I started... I had started reading To Kill a Mockingbird. Oh, yeah. Because it's one of those books that you say, oh, yeah. And obviously, with the publicity of the new book, you have to have read it. And then I'm like, did I read it ever?

You know, one of those awful moments where you can't say, yeah, I've gone back to that. Quite depressing, I'm not going to lie. No. Seen the movie. Yeah, I know what happens. Yeah, I went into it thinking there'd be lots of descriptions of people dispatching the local wildlife.

But no. It's a lot of court stuff, a lot of courtroom things going on. Oh, there's a lot of courts in it. No, it's... You know, it's fine. You see, it doesn't really... I think I have read it. I think we did it at...

Yeah. I say I've read anything at school. A tech, an Islamic tech. Yeah, I think I read the first three chapters and got the Coles notes. Yeah. But now I haven't... Oh, no. But I got a special...

I got a book... In a roundabout way, I got a book recommendation from Tom Baker. Did you? The Fourth Doctor. Wow. Is he still with us, Frank? Oh, God, yes.

Calm down, calm down. Yes, we keep dropping hints about him leaving, but no. Yeah. He's still there. He's in the guest room. OK. But I'll tell you what happened. OK.

I'm doing sort of teasers this morning, teasers that aren't that exciting. That's my new method. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, so I met someone who I know is a close personal friend, or was, of Tom Baker. Oh, lovely.

The former doctor. And he was saying that one of the things that bonded them was the writings of Saul Bellow, the American novelist. So I decided to go and read Humboldt's Gift. Oh, did you? Which is a book I read probably before a lot of the people listening were born. And, you know, when you go back, you always think, oh, oh. Were you worried?

Well, I did a timbre when I showed Kath Man with Two Brains and I said, this is the funniest film I've ever seen. Did she like it? No, it's rubbish. It was terrible. I said, honestly, you know, because I was so excited that I'd found it was my film and I thought her enjoyment of it would make me look good as well

because of my taste. And we sat and watched it. And I was looking at it thinking, what's happened to you? I was thinking to the film. You were so funny. She looked at me and she said, have you got the right film? Oh.

I had that when I showed my godchildren trading places. And I said, this is my most favourite film ever. Honestly, when people say, what's your favourite film? I had that when I showed my godchildren trading places. And I said, this is my most favourite film ever. Honestly, when people say, what's your favourite film? I say that. They just sat there looking really upset, saying this is offensive, it's racist, it's sexist, it's homophobic. Oh, but that was the fun of it. We can't say that anymore.

In those days, that was a rattling good review. But it wasn't that I still liked it and she didn't. I just thought, what did I think was good about this? Yeah. Anyway, so it was a bit, but it turns out I like it better this time than I did the first time I read it, which suggests to me I've got cleverer. Yeah. Tremendous news.

Oh, that's excellent news. Well, you could have got less clever and less discerning. Maybe. But that's good news as well, isn't it? Because I'm sure the Beckhams are happier than us. And why? Money. Bliss.

Ignorance. And all that. So, yes, anyway, it's great. I'd recommend it to anyone who's listening. This is short link, wasn't it? Sorry, I was just talking to the producer. Oh, yeah, she's got a black bra on today. Felt like a short link to me.

There might be people at home thinking... Frank's eating sausages. Yeah, that one didn't seem too competent filling with EU recommendations. Frank, Emily and Gareth. Alan's in Edinburgh at the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio You know who I want to talk about this morning

Is our Keith As I like to call him Keith Richards Oh yes No relation Because that's my surname Makes a change from Do you know Keith Richards

No but thanks for the tip. So he's been... Could be a verb, yeah. He's been piping up. They do pipe up, these old rockers, don't they? Yeah, it's heroin for you. He's on Absolute Radio's Drugs Free, I think. Yes, exactly.

He's one of the fans of Guy Liner, as I believe it's called. Oh, was he? Because Frank and I were talking about the eyeliner comics the other week, weren't we? Yes. Comics who favour the eyeliner. It's called Guy Liner, actually, Frank. Yeah, it's one of the ways to get popular with a young audience. It's put a bit of eyeliner.

It's the same material you've always done, but put a bit of Guy Liner on. Eyeliner, and right about your age. Suddenly you're cool. Mascara? Yeah. No, that's... Don't go the whole hog. No, we just had a bit of a snog.

So, um... I think we need to take some time to give that what it deserves. So, um... Where does Keith dwell now? Is he... Is he still in England? Oh, we'll be in a tax haven somewhere. These people always are.

He's such a thing now as a tax haven. Monaco, Montreux, all the M's. He's been very rude about Sergeant Peppers. Yes. He's not topical with his criticism. 1967.

You don't want to rush into anything. Exactly. He's only just got round to listening to it. He says. He's just heard about it. I knew what I was going to say. It's come back to me. That's what he said. Yeah, what was I saying

about? Oh yeah, Sergeant Peppers. Hold that thought. Yeah. He was interrupted in September 1967. He's just got his trying to thought back. What he said about it. He's just got his train of thought back. What have you said about it? His train of thought.

Did I tell you when I saw the Rolling Stones live that Mick Jagger went up, they started the intro to Soul Train, you know that, get on, that one. Mick Jagger went off stage and came back on with a Mac on.

Just for that number. Why have you done that? Put a Mac on to a Mac on. Just for that number. Why have you done that? Put a Mac on to sing Soul Train. Well, he's probably feeling the chill. He was on a train. Shut the window. Sure. So what, um,

what RK said, he said, I think they just got carried away. Oh, I love that. That's the thing a nanas says. Don't get carried away. Such an old person's thing. He also said about Sgt. Pepper's chicks wore these guys out. Yeah.

Which is very 1960s. Chicks wore these guys of the Beatles. Meaning the Beatles. Wow. Also, that's not even true because Paul McCartney, he never got worn out by chicks. He was down on that farm dyeing his hair aubergine. And the next thing he said was, dead you say? When was this?

I thought he was just very tired. And then he said from chicken farming. Oh dear. Poor Keef. Keef they call him. I can't wait to hear his review of Brief Encounter next week. Mind you, here I am reviewing On Bolt's Gift. It's as if they could call this the late review show.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So our Twitter followers have created a hashtag. Really? For what we were just talking about. Hashtag late review. Didn't he used to smoke a lot of hashtags? Oh, Keith, he loved a hashtag. Late review, yes.

He likes all his drugs to be properly labelled. Yeah. So, M. Knight, I think they said with a one instead of an I. Crazy guy. Hashtag late review. Star Wars is a bit overrated. Wow. Which is...

I like people that say things like that, though. They're not following the crowd. If they really mean it, yeah. Yeah, I do. Emma Treble said, never really understood the George Clooney thing, to be honest. TBH. Well, you're not alone there. What did I call him, Frank?

What was it? Greek? Greek dad on the school run. North London Greek dad on the school run. I'm sorry. Yeah, but it's the school run. I can imagine him going, Mason, come on. Come on, Mason.

It's the school run element of it because that's what it is, isn't it? He looks like that sort of modern man who's not threatening and would go out with a civil rights lawyer rather than, you know, Sam Fox he wouldn't go out with. Let's face it. Yeah, that's what they like. I saw him interviewed once live.

George? Live, yes. And I must admit, I went there thinking, you know, George Clooney and I was like totally charmed are we charming alright totally charmed by him

that's how he does it but I like the grey hair because it's the time when Menatis level of fame they weren't allowed to embrace the grey hair they had to dye it

but all went a bit aubergine didn't it we stick together speaking of which Stanley George beetroot late review I'm George, beetroot, late review. I'm sorry, that's a very late review.

I don't know when that came out, beetroot. But, yeah, that's a mega late review. Yeah. I remember when it was on Fashionable Beetroot, when you never got it in London. When I first moved to London, I couldn't get beetroot. When I won the Perrier Award, Jenny Eclair bought me some beetroot when you never got it in London. When I first moved to London, I couldn't get beetroot. When I won the Perrier Award, Jenny Eclair bought me

some beetroot, ironically. Because she said that was my working class and this made me like beetroot. And now, one goes in the fancy cafes of Soho, and it's all beetroot this and beetroot that and beetroot the other. Yeah, hipster guy. I like that you're trying to sound working class while saying one goes

in the fancy cafes. Yes. Now a guy on Bake Off shredded some beetroot into a cake this week. Oh, yes, popular. Disaster. I never watch Bake Off. If you're going to pick the disaster of the week. Then I'm not a pensioner.

Only that. Well, I did Bake Off Extra Slice, and the audience were all young and very hipster. Yeah, lots of beards. It's very trendy, actually. Oh, they've all got beards now. Sorry, OK, sorry. Well, don't mess with Bake Off.

You and your Hoxton Bake Off mates. Isn't Keefe, isn't he a bit... I think what he hated about the Beatles is the Beatles were very English, and Sgt Pepper was incredibly an English album at a time when, with the Stones, it was, Oh, man, I got the blues! I got the blues!

Where you from? Uh, Dartford. And I think that's the problem, Oh, God. Where are you from? Dartford. And I think that's the problem, is they're living a lie, the Rolling Stones. Yeah, they were very Yankee Dougal, weren't they? They were. And Liverpool's actually, I believe, if I'm not wrong, closer to America than Dartford.

They must have hated that. Oh, yeah. Is that where he's from, our Keith, Dartford? I think he's from Dartford, isn't he? Oh, it's a shame, isn't it? They put a plaque up at Dartford train station because that's where Keith and Mick met. I bet he's paid a fortune to get that taken down.

What do you mean? We were in Tennessee. Dartford? Never even heard of that goddamn place. What are you talking about? I'm with my old grampy here. Oh, God, they must take that, yeah? Yeah.

Imagine, sort of roughly crossed out in Byro on his passport, place of birth. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah. We've had some late reviews this morning. Oh, yes. Off Niall Smith.

I can't pronounce that, I'm sorry. What happened to the days where you suggested their nonpas? Is it because it's on Twitter? No, it's on the Twitter. It's on the Twitter. He says, Stairway to heaven. Blatantly nonsensical.

Hashtag late review. Is it a builder? Thing is, you wouldn't be able to get proper fittings in the Too high You wouldn't get I mean the struts you'd have to use it wouldn't be worth Well I don't know

if there's a hostel in your hedgerow don't be alarmed now I think we've all thought that haven't we been walking in the countryside Back me up I'll tell you what can we just discuss what i hate it's not necessarily hashtag late review it's more things that everyone thinks are brilliant so like sergeant pepper i mean you know my feelings on the sopranos i've discussed this many times the singers or the

mafia tv show the mafia tv show yes i once compared to the dolmio ad, and I've got hate mail. Really? But it's like that, ain't it, Tony? Well, I watched the first episode, was so impressed, I bought three, I'm going to use the word seasons, I bought three seasons in one go. Three seasons in one go. Yes. Yes. If only I'd bought four, you could have gone,

what luck are me? But anyway, and I watched the first four or five episodes and i thought well i've just wasted the money but you know they'll they'll do as coasters they'll do as coasters yeah they just got angry and ate pizza oh i just thought i've seen this now a million times exactly what i thought 24 men saying you're breaking my heart someone bought me the... No, that's meatloaf. Somebody bought me the box set of 24. Oh. And they said... She said, I loved it so much,

I watched the whole thing in a weekend. And about a week later, she said, are you getting on with 24? I said, well, I watched the first one, it's all right. And you could tell, it was like I'd just spat in her face. Oh, I did spat in her face as well. Did I forget that bit? What about when Jonathan Ross Frank

made me watch Donnie Darko? Oh, and you know when someone says this is the best film, you're going to love it. I felt like crying. I kept having to go to the toilet to cry. I was so depressed. I heard it worse with Donnie Darko. I had three or four people say to me,

oh, you'll love it. You'll love it. So when I watched it, not only did I hate the film, I hated them, and a little bit hated me. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean,

and yes, Gareth Richards. You can text the show on 8 12 15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We were just talking about, what did we call it, like review? Hashtag low review. Yes, in which we...

Not the show with Tom Paulin. Review things, no. No, that... I used to do a Tom Paulin. Review things now. No, that... I used to do a Tom Paulin impression. Oh, did you do one as well? I think everybody does, don't they? Yeah, I think it's in that Irish guy. I don't think everybody does, Frank.

I bet Garrett does. Do you do one, Garrett? It's fun, yeah. Shall we all... Let's do a relay. Can we have... You start off as Tom Paulin. This is my Tom Paulin,

Emily Dean speaking. I... I don't know... why we're even reading him today because I like poetry

that's it, that's it you don't often hear a Tom Pauling relay brother of Tar I believe oh yes, that's right. Oh, yeah. Inventor of- Yeah.

Tar Pauling, yes. Yeah, that was- I feel like I've got to explain them sometimes. Just keep everyone on board. Yeah, the jokes. And Alan Pauling, who is known as A. Pauling. Heard he's awful. Yeah, he is.

He's- This is awful. Yeah. I know, but it's all right, you know. It's not all right. It's very far from all right. No, I know. So we're talking about Hashtag Late Review.

David Williams says Breaking Bad. So close. I thought you'd fessed up. David Williams, Breaking Bad was so overrated, struggled through three seasons, series, but it was a chore. Oh, I like Breaking Bad. Oh, I'd say, without doubt, the last 20 years of American TV drama, apart from Gotham, I'd be happy to watch Incinerated.

Frank likes Gotham. Are you familiar with this? Yeah, I think so. That Frank hates any box sets. But I think that's all... Occasionally you have to stand back and think you have to buy them don't just listen to what everyone's saying what do i think what do i think queen no i don't like queen they are no not her i've gone off her since i'm on

nothing we won't go into that queen you don't like them queen they they weren't a serious band. They didn't used to be a serious band and people have misremembered them. They were like Shawaddy Waddy to rock music. What? Shawaddy Waddy was to rock and roll. Oh, but I love Shawaddy Waddy. Okay, but they fessed up. Anyway, I'm not condemning anyone who loves

them. I'm just saying my own personal thing. Morecambe and Wise. You don't like them? I'll tell you something about Morecambe and Wise. You don't like them? I'll tell you what. I'll tell you something about Morecambe and Wise. If you ever watch an entire Morecambe and Wise show, not just highlights... Right, this is so going to end up... I mean, it'll be page nine,

but this will end up in the Daily Star. No, but you know... Look, they can be... They're brilliant with Andre Previn, and they're brilliant when they do that thing where they throw toast at each other. And they're brilliant. For 25 minutes in their 40-year career,

they were absolutely fantastic. And that's the only 25 minutes. If you was to take this show, which has been on six years, find the best 25 minutes and only ever watch that, people would think we were geniuses. Like that Tom Pauling relay. You were geniuses. I don't think I'd be in it.

But it would be a good 25 minutes. Hashtag needy. But if you, if you watch, I don't know if you watched one year, they showed a load of Christmas specials. So not just There Is Nothing Like A Dame, but the full thing. Yeah. Watch the full thing. Okay, why?

Terrible. You can't say that. But some brilliant bits. But I knew the brilliant bits, because it's those 20 minutes of brilliant bits that You can't say that. But some brilliant bits. But I knew the brilliant bits because it's those 20 minutes of brilliant bits that you just see. Yeah. Don't get me wrong,

I think he was a naturally funny bloke, Eric, but most of the show nowadays would be torn to pieces. Blimey. Good night. Frank Skinner, Emily Dean, Gareth Richards. The Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Frank, 760 agrees with you controversially about Morecambe and Wise. Frank, I know what you mean about Morecambe and Wise.

It's just the same as the 1966 World Cup final. Watch it tonight. It's just awful. It is. I watched it live and I remember it being awful. It is. That's from Danny. I watched it live. And I remember it being awful. No, it's, I really, I ought to get on it now. Go through my entire career and work out a good 20. The best 20, yeah.

Well, the BBC have probably got that in it ready. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I mean, you know, just because they plan ahead. I mean, I don't think anything's coming. With Nicholas Whitchell saying, the comedian Frank Skinner. I doubt I'd even get a mention. Oh, you will, Frank. Yeah, yeah.

I'm really well connected, I'll see to that. Thanks very much. I'll get Gary to mention you on Match of the Day. I'm hoping he'll be dead by then. Excuse me, how dare you? At four, five, nine? I'm hoping to be like, you know, one of these. You know what? You'll go on a long time.

Oh, please don't. That's what they'll play. That's the clip they'll play. Ironically, co-presenter Emily Dean predicted you'd go on a long time. Just 48 hours before he was hit by a tram. Creaky doors. Hit by a tram, brackets. In case I'm either hit by a tram or a tramp. Yes.

Frank 459 says the Blues Brothers. And Frank is so right about Queen, by the way. That's K in Bethnal Green. But can I say about Queen that I don't object to other people liking it. I just think there's a thing that Freddie Mercury died and suddenly they became a serious proposition. Yes. Yes. So Nugget 48. I mean, it's a bit of Freddie Mercury died and suddenly there became a serious proposition. Yes. Yes. So Nugget, 48.

I mean, it's a bit of a bloodbath. Robert De Niro, David Bowie, Meryl Streep. All overrated in my humble opinion. And David Bowie, I cannot accept. No, me neither. Kate Moss and Claudia Schiffer. He says no beauties. No beauties.

I mean, that's a bit harsh. That is a bit harsh. I'm a fan of both beauties. No beauties. I mean, that's a bit harsh. That is a bit harsh, isn't it? I'm a fan of both. Wow. Claudia and Kate. Well, you've got to be in your line of work. Well, exactly. Yes.

That wouldn't be my supermodel choice. Who would be? Can't remember her name. You know what it's like. Can't remember her name? It's Carl Delamere, actually. Well, they all look a bit... She's a

tall blonde woman do you know her um you don't know her okay i know which one it is it's poppy delavigne you like i do like i do like that but i like i like that she's shaking her head i also like that one who went into sci-fi movies mila jo Mila Djokovic. Oh, yeah, Mila Djokovic. The one in The Fifth Element. Yes, that sounds right. Daisy's just indicated that you're a fan of Agnestine as well. Yes, I do. I like women who look like men. All right?

All right? Yes. Back in a bit. I saw, for the first time recently, a 2001 Space Odyssey, or 2001 A Space Odyssey. Be careful. That's lovely, darling. Be careful.

About giving away the ending. You're not going to say that that is rubbish, are you? I'm going to say that I was not prepared for how it ended. Okay. Will you give me that it ends somewhat oddly? Well. I mean, I don't want to give away the ending. No, in case someone...

But I wasn't expecting that. Also, I saw Whiplash. Have you seen the movie Whiplash? No, but everyone told me it was brilliant. Yeah. I sense you're not part of the everyone. I did not think... No-one ever bled that much drumming. You're sure you didn't accidentally see a public service thing

about wearing a seatbelt in your car? Whiplash is overrated. Well, I'm going to give you another one. Brace yourselves. I saw this and I thought, you know what? It's all right. That's all it is. Spinal tap.

Oh, my gosh. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We've got another overrated, 596.

Ed Sheeran. On a different subject. Sam Smith. Oh. Adele. Oh. And wait for another overrated, 596. Ed Sheeran. On a different subject. Sam Smith. Oh. Adele. Oh. And wait for it, Jimi Hendrix. Whoa.

Hashtag late review. Yeah, current, three current reviews. Three stalwarts of Absolute Radio. Yeah. And then the mighty Jimi Hendrix, perhaps the greatest and innovative guitar player of all time. He can't please everybody. No.

No, I'm sorry. And also, he did release those parrots, which have infested much of London. Oh, really? Yeah, we weren't going to that. Well, speaking of wildlife, this week I took my family to the National Natural History Museum. The National Natural History Museum? Just British animals. It is the Natural History Museum,

isn't it? Yes, it is. Yeah, where they've got all their stuff. And it was lots of fun. I bet it was a bit... That's their strapline, in fact, where we've got all that stuff. They paid Sarchie's £180,000 for that, back in the day. Is it... Isn't it an enormous queue for the dinosaurs, is that?

Well, Laura did research. That's the name of my wife. Yes, Laura. She did some research about the best way to do it, and they said arrive early, and you do have to queue outside, but then once you get in, straight into the dinosaurs. Yes. And it really worked very well. Yeah. And the thing is, inside, when in straight into the dinosaurs yes so and it really worked very well

yeah and the thing is it went inside when you kill the dinosaurs it gets very hot and um i took the i mean i as you know um i had quite a religious upbringing so i was taught that um god created the world in in seven days and um, didn't do the day off in your religion. Oh, yeah, six days and then had the day off. God, look at that Protestant work ethics getting out of control. You still get paid for holidays. Oh, yeah.

It still counts as... I love you two doing your religious banter. Not enough of that, I always say on commercial radio. But I wanted to... Oh, sorry, I just started a sentence and I had no breath. Did you hear it? I might listen back to that on the podcast.

And I wouldn't stop. I was determined to get on. I had no air. I was literally, I was going on vapour. Well done for getting through it. But I know what I think I've pulled. I think my lungs have sort of closed in a bit on me. How do you feel now?

No, I'm all right. I'm OK. Sorry, Gareth. Carry on. Gareth, sorry. So we wanted to let our children decide for themselves. I mean, I've changed what I think about the creation of the universe. OK. I actually did a debate at school. Light review.

This is really that. This is the last step. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, so, I mean, I... I mean, this is by the way, but I did... At school, I did a debate about creationism versus evolution.

Okay. Lovely. And I was on the creationist side. Wow. Yeah, how about that? Oh, Frank will like you, won't he? I knew how to make friends at school. Yes.

But anyway, so we wanted our kids to be able to decide for themselves about God versus dinosaurs. Okay. Bad news. Dinosaurs are awesome. Yes. awesome yes they are a lot of fun yeah and um and quite scientifically proven well but anyway um you can't just say well i don't think um jurassic park stands up in in a court of law. We went into the mammals room, which has got all the big stuffed dead animals.

It's like a zoo, but with dead animals. Well, I was saying, I went to the one in Scotland during the last Edinburgh Festival. What did they have, a few squirrels? No, no, they had all sorts of Scottish animals. Yaks, I think. Oh, yeah. Midge, stuffed midaks. Oh, yeah. Midge.

Stuffed midge. Oh, yeah. And didn't take long. And just put a pea in it. A dried pea. And I was saying then, it's better than a zoo, really. They all come out. There's none of them skulking in the back private quarters.

In the zoo, they all hide. Yeah, no bars required, you get close to them, and if there's nobody about, you can get a good hold of the pelt. No bars required? I don't believe that. That's true, why don't you stop Scottish people from wrestling them to the ground? Oh, God, it's been quite a morning here. Queen fans, Morkham and Wise fans, Scotsies people. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

So, we went to the Darwin Centre, which is part of the Natural History Museum. Oh, don't say that to Frank. He's not playing the Omen music. Damien going into a church. I'm all right with old chimpanzee eyes, Darwin. And I had a very, very compact, minuscule, idiotic eureka moment.

Oh, yeah. Can I say for older, for newer listeners, an idiotic eureka moment is when you get something that most people have got a long time before. Yes, except it wasn't a thing that most people have got. It was, I had an idea that I thought was really good and then I realised it was a terrible idea all at once. Oh, OK.

So we're in the cafe and... So it wasn't an idiotic eureka moment. Well, you'll see what you say. Wait a minute. OK. Don't get irritable just because Darwin came up. I'm fine with Darwin. People are entitled to a minute. Okay. Don't get irritable just because Darwin came up. I'm fine with Darwin. People are entitled to a hobby.

I was in a cafe with my wife and two... Oh! I've had another baby. I've had another child. Have you? Yeah. What, did you forget or something? No, we haven't mentioned it.

Oh, lovely. Congratulations. Well done. God, I thought you meant you'd had another one that I didn't know about. No, no, no. I didn't even know she Oh, lovely. Congratulations. Good, I thought you meant you'd had another one that I didn't know. No, no, no. I didn't even know she was pregnant. You knew. But we had Ethan.

Hang on, so there's two of them? Yeah, there's two of them now. Why's the other one? We haven't got two boys last time we did the show. We have got two boys. No, no. No, he's got the two. Where's the other one?

No, there's two of them. Oh. Oh, we knew you had two. Ethan and Elijah. No, but he's three, so it was four years ago since I've been on the show. Okay, this is sounding a bit like a police statement.

God. Can I just read out the family tree? Who else says mid-anecdote? Oh, I've had another child. Yeah, I thought you just had a text through from your wife in hospital.

Your baby mama. What's the waiting for? Honestly, it's like working with Louis Tomlinson. Anyway, so we were in the cafe and there were some muffins and I said to, I said, oh, those muffins. Muffins um i said oh those muffins muffins muffins

um i said those muffins look awesome and ethan ethan is six now and he's quite cheeky and um and he says shut your face becca that was that was a heckling glas Glasgow you're thinking of. He's so cheeky, my son. Yes, cheeky. What's wrong with saying cheeky? What did the man... That heckling Glasgow, was it sweary? I can't remember. It was very sweary.

Yes. And we cannot repeat it. But your response was clean, wasn't it? Yeah. I remember your response really made me laugh. A man said a really, like, abusive... This is when you two were on tour together. We were on tour. and a really abusive echo,

including specky, but lots of swearing. Why don't you, I will, the cleaned-up version is, why don't you go back to Specsavers, you specky... Something like that. Yes, exactly. And you said... I said, look, mate, you've seriously misjudged the tone of this gig.

That's what I like. Analytical. Because I'm very self-deprecating. There's no need for the audience to join in. No, no. They're just interrupting you from doing it. I like him because he's quite a 70s actor laughing at people for wearing glasses.

When people wear them, who have no eyesight problems now. Out of choice. It used to be such... Oh, God, it was anathema, wasn't it? The kids who found out to wear glasses, or even the adults. Now they're devastated if they can't wear them. That was the end of it.

I don't think... I've been working with Daisy a long time. Ten years we'll be sitting on a... I predict now, boldness will be fine. You heard it here first. The boldness, the new look anyway sorry gary yes so i said that muffin looks awesome and ethan said how do you know and i and i said was it the spec savers just a bit it's a bit subtler

and you said who said that? Don't paint me as some sort of Mr Magoo figure. Oh, OK, sorry. You do that yourself, very well. Going down holes. He said, how do you know? And I said, I didn't say I knew how it tasted. I said it looked good.

I didn't say I tasted it. Yeah. Which I thought I won the argument, but Ethan did not think that. So he said, to win the argument, tasted it with your butt. Yes. And so this was the idiotic eureka moment, right? For a moment in my head, I thought, wow, imagine if,

and I was in the Darwin Centre, so I was thinking about evolution. I thought, what if you had taste buds in your bottom? And for a minute, I thought... How did this happen? How did we end up here? I thought we were on a nice country lane. Yeah, there were muffins, children.

There were some funny things going on. Now, we've ended up with Fifty Shades of Grey. Oh, dear. For a minute, I couldn't see any drawback to that idea. Stop him talking for the music, old man. Play the song. Can you just hit him across the face? Yeah, I'll deal with this.

Then I realised the problem with that, which was, as I explained to Ethan, you would have a nasty shock when you had... Look, look, please stop. But do you see how for a moment... Yes. I felt quite stupid. You're lucky.

We feel horrified. It's coming back to me as well. Have you ever been on the motorway and you've had a near miss with another car? That feeling you get after. Like everything's a bit slow motion in a car too and that's what I'm getting now. Oh, oh

you're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio Frank, we've just had a request yes subject line, 70th birthday shout out is it possible to still have a shout out when you're 70? I think it has to be a shout out

they wouldn't hear it that's very our show I'll do it then, happy birthday to still have a shout-out when you're 17. I think it has to be a shout-out. They wouldn't hear it. That's very our show. I'll do it then. Happy birthday! Yes! I said that! No, no!

Happy, happy birthday! Yes, lovely! He's called Di Rees. Di Rees, okay. Yeah. Happy birthday, Di. He's 70 years old today and an avid fan. Sounds like a timetable. And they would give him five seconds of fame.

There you go. There you go, Di. Happy birthday to Di Rees. Can he solve the question of evolution versus creation once and for all? Yeah. Have you got any answers? Think back. Yeah.

When you were at school, do you remember people just being created from mud? Or did they rise up from the sea? We'll wait for the... I love that we get 70th birthday shout-out. You wouldn't get that on, like, George Lamb's podcast, would you? Do you think he'll fax us back before the end of the show? I'm anticipating a Xerox.

He might appear by the end of the show. I'm anticipating a Xerox. It might appear by the end of the show. Hopefully. All the best. Many happy returns. Yes, many happy returns. So, something that you may... I don't know if this was after your tenure, but I became slightly obsessed with Flying Ant Day.

Oh. Oh, you did, Frank. And they, it was recently, wasn't it? Yes, I had a number of people on Twitter contact me about this matter. Yes, now I had bad news from my sister-in-law that she was with Boz, my three-year-old son, and a flying ant landed and he ran over

and stamped and stamped on it. Wow. And you know how I am with murder, as I said earlier. It's one of my pet hates. But against it. Yeah. And I was a bit, this is

weird and a bit Buddhist of me, but I was a bit upset that is weird and a bit Buddhist of me, but I was a bit upset that he'd killed a flying ant. Oh, no, I'm a fan of that behaviour. And do you think karma, do you think that's bad karma? Well, I don't know. Because really, how is it different from killing Cecil the lion? Well, let's not talk about that. It's a hell of a question.

To be honest, if Cecil the lion had paraglided into my garden, I think I might have took him out myself. Dang. No, but come on, that would be alarming. I mean, to go to the... The thing is with Cecil, it's an away game. I don't think we should talk about Cecil the lion. If it was flying by...

I'm not making light of that, but I'm saying if it had jumped into someone's garden, that's a different thing. Yes. But I'm not happy about killing any kind of life form, including the flying ant. I don't think that... There's a question now.

The flying deck. If you guys don't... Yeah, the flying deck as well. Here's a question now. Go on. Do they just... Because you only see them for one day a year. Do they only live for one day, flying ants?

Or do they basically arrive with a sort of a backpack of wings, which they then discard and go to normal grounded ant life? Oh, like Batman or something? Yes. OK, well, that's the texting. I don't think anybody knows. That can't be right. This is the man who's just come back from the Natural History Museum.

He's come back despondent. We'll do some research, shall we? Well, someone will know out there. Well, that 70-year-old might know. Yeah. He's been around for long enough. He's seen a few sites. He probably remembers when they first started the primitive flight.

Yeah? Yeah. I bet he remembers all those failed experiments at the beginning, like the American Space Race. He probably remembers Walking Ant Day. Or just Ant Day, when they first came out. Frank, Emily and Gareth. Alan's in Edinburgh.

The Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards this morning. You can text the show at 81215 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio

website. So we've had a delivery of a message for the human race. To the studio? I saw the cakes, I didn't see that. Well, from one of, I mean,

Noel Edmonds. Oh, yes, yes. Oh, I love Noella. Now, it's easy to be sneery towards Noel Edmonds. Yes. But I think for a moment, when, let's see. When someone... Shall we try that? When someone has messages for us as humanity,

you've got to remember that people sneered at Jesus. Yes. God, it's gone very religious this morning, hasn't it? Oh, Gareth's in the house, that's why. Did they sneer at the dinosaurs? Not to their faces. No. Wouldn't dare.

Wouldn't dare. Well, no, they might sneer in the faces of... Who was the nice one, the big one? Is that Brontosaurus, the one who just ate the greens? Yeah, Brontosaurus or Brachiosaurus, maybe. What's the one with the short arms? That's me. No, no, the one that looks like it couldn't actually get the branches as far as its mouth.

Do you remember that? Tyrannosaurus Rex. Tyrannosaurus Rex. Yeah, because he ate animals. Oh, did he? He just ate them with his mouth. So what did he use his hands for? Knitting. Knitting. What, their intestine?

If you could have said that, he made a cardigan out of saber-toothed tiger intestine. I mean, it sounds gross, but if you just have a look at it, it's on the internet. Anyway,

Gail, you were talking about how Noel Edmonds... What a fine that would be if you dug that up. No one's going

to find that. Intestine cardi. Yeah. Cardi. So, and Noel Edmonds, right? Yeah.

His name, what is his first name? Noel. Noel. Yes. Birth of Jesus. Oh, stop it now. He's got a beard. Yeah.

In Deal or No Deal, he has a group of disciples. I was on that. Every day, someone betrays him for money. I was on Deal or No Deal. Yes. Yeah, Emily was on Deal or No Deal. A lot's been happening since you've been gone. Oh. yeah emily was on deal or not it's been happening since you've been gone oh i haven't been on deal or no day i did the warm-up for deal or no big deal yeah i was on it anyway carry on um and noel edmunds touch celebrity edition no edmunds touch you yeah

oh did you just try to touch the hem of his garment do you know what i liked about deal or no deal is when you're standing behind the panel i was on the celebrity edition jonathan celebrity edition um what i like is when he walks down that gangplank i call it runway because i work in fashion he had a little clicky clicky of his shoes oh really enjoyed that loud click he has a he has a raised heel, doesn't he? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was a Cuban click. See, like Jesus raised. Oh, stop. Okay. He is the Messiah.

We accept it. Okay. So he's got some things that he said, his messages for us. So. Can I say one of his things, Noel, just to set him in context, is he says he's got two orbs, two small orbs that bounce up and down on his shoulders.

He wants to get that scene too. Which contain the spirits. Each one contains the spirits of his dead parents. Now, I don't know about you, but I would find that a bit hampering in the bedroom.

Yes. Wouldn't you? Yes. I wonder if you can put it like, you know, with a parrot, you can put a cover over it. Or a bra. Yes. Maybe get a pair I wonder if you can put it like with a parrot you can put a cover over it or bra yes

say hold on don't cast that aside I can use that and then put it over your parental spirit as an orb holder never heard them called that before well no if that became like a really common Christmas gift,

you got me an orb holder! Yeah, but what about people saying, God, look at the parental spirit orbs on that? Oh, dear. Anyway, that's... Is that the same as the Electromis, the spirit orbs? No, no, Electrosmog, is it? I like that you're sounding like it is actually a thing no no no he's

got this theory about electro smog which is actually one of my favorite branches of dance music um no electro smog yes as i understand it is caused by all the electric stuff we have that sort the sort of stuff that generate, like radio, I suppose. Wi-Fi? Wi-Fi. Well, you say Wi-Fi, can I tell you what Noel called it? The Wi-Fi? The Wi-Fi.

He said, the Wi-Fi. Well, when we had, God bless her, when we had Cilla Black on Room 101, she called it Wi-Fi throughout. Oh, Cilla. And to the point where we had to stop and say, you do know it's Wi-Fi. She said, I don't think it is. So, I mean, she insisted on Weefie. So, how marvellous.

I mean, she thinks she gets paid for everything. What? God rest her soul. Yes. She doesn't get a Weefie. Oh, Weefie. I get it, yeah. But she was, can I say, she was lovely.

Yeah, she was. Can I tell you a Cilla Black anecdote? Yes, you can. And this is how I will always remember her. Yes. I did a show at London Studios on the south bank of the Thames, which is a big studio where ITV do a lot of stuff. And I saw her leaving her dressing room

and she had flowers and a bottle of champagne. She had all the magazines that they leave in there for you to read. And she had those little molten brown bottles that you get. She had stripped the dress and I thought, Christ. Good on her. I just loved her for that. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, electrosmog. Yes, that is the bad news. The biggest problem we face today as humanity is electrosmog. Yes, which we can't see because it's like electric. But it comes from our mobile phones and our Wi-Fi and... The Wi-Fi, the iPad. And stuff, all that stuff. And the good news is that there's something you can buy to combat it.

Yes. Phew. Isn't it 2K, isn't it? £2,000. Yeah. And he says... We say K on the street. I don't think he's selling it, is he?

Well... No, no, he says he's bought one and it's been a life changer. It's a life changer because he used to have £2,000 and now he doesn't have it anymore. He said it's a computerised yoga mat. Yeah, it's called the M-Pad. Is it a mouse mat? Think of a yoga mat connected to a computer.

A mouse mat? Why is it called the M-Pad? That's what I call my house. It's a mouse pad. It's called the M-pad. It's connected to a computer and it's a bit spongy. He's bought... He's actually bought a mouse pad

and he's just lying on that. He'll end up on Rogue Traders. There's a mat that you can lie on Or you can get a probe I don't like the sound of that We're going into mopping territory I think I might pass on the probe Thank you

And also the other good news Is that he's starting a new radio service I won't mention the name of No But he says it will help with insomnia. That's not a great advert, is it? Do you know what I liked about this? I liked about this interview, some of the language he uses,

you haven't heard in 40 years. He was saying things like, a lot of the mind, body, spirit brigade. Oh, yeah. If someone says brigade, you know they vote Tory. Yes, always. That's right. PC brigade. He also used words, he used bargepole and bigwigs.

Oh, brilliant. I wouldn't touch a bigwig with a bargepole. No. Bargepole and bigwigs is solicitors near to where I live. He says you cannot die. To be fair to him, that's great news not for an undertaker exactly hasn't he thought he hasn't thought about the implications of this he says um the energy leaves your container but it has to go somewhere you cannot destroy energy my energy will return to where it came from

part of a massive, incomprehensible... Radio Charolais. It says part of a massive, incomprehensible, universal web of energy. Yes. What? Isn't that what that sounds like? I think it's gradually going back to being incomprehensible.

Yeah. I can see it happening. So you can't destroy energy? No. What about that time I set fire to the Lucas-A factory? The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank, do you remember you were in Doctor Who?

Oh, yeah, I was. Did you know that, Gareth? I did know that. He was very good, actually. Very good. It was a good episode. Yes, it was. It was voted by Doctor Who magazine readers as the best episode of Series 8.

Wow. But you didn't go with him. I won't give away the ending. No, don't you worry. You said, do you want to come? Yeah. You said no. Anyway.

You have given away the ending. I'm sorry. This is the sort of thing that Frank's going to get really obsessed about or did he I won't or did he go yeah maybe we rehearsed that whole thing yeah what about that

I say what about that trying to get people interested even more interested anyway Frank thinks it's like the end of some Hollywood thriller don't give away the ending of some episode two years ago better than most Hollywood thrillers. OK, Frank. You were excellent.

I don't know if this escaped your notice at the time or whether this was an issue, but there's a problem with biscuits on the Doctor Who set because the producers have apparently banned the cast from eating biscuits because of their expanding waistlines. Well, that had certainly not happened when i was on there was a lot of not just biscuits but yeah occasionally members of the production team coming in with a like a cardboard tray of um crispy cremes and stuff oh a few cyborgs or

whatever they're called ducking into those but i think they're called, ducking into those. But I think my... They're called cyborgs, Frank. No, that's... Cyborgs? What are they? The men in the kind of metal heads. Cybermen? Oh, yeah. Yes. So, I remember having Jammie Dodgers with the mummy,

sitting having Jammie Dodgers. Oh, wow. I didn't read that part of your autobiography. Or did I have... Did I sit discussing mummy dodgers with the jammy? That's that time I talked about men who avoid paying maintenance with

Paul Weller. Oh, God. God. Oh, that was quite, that's like getting out of Hampton Court maze. That was, oh, I just need to sit down and have a little lie down. But no, there was lots of sweet stuff. I mean, to be honest, you don't look at Peter Capaldi and think,

oh, man, he's had a few too many biscuits. Yeah, exactly. That's what he should have. They should say, where's Capaldi's Garibaldi? Yes. But he's a slender man. Oh, he's slim. You could read through Peter Capaldi, given a bright enough light.

So I don't think they need to ban him from having biscuits, certainly. I think it's cruel to ban them. They haven't got a lot in their lives, these old actors. Come on. They've only got roles in major TV... Not the old ones. You know the ones I'm talking about. Well, there was an actor... When I was on, there was an actor I'm not going to name.

There's a few actors, so even Doctor Who fans won't be able to identify them. Is he the sort of person my parents would have known? Yeah. Can I say a brilliant actor? Yes. But he was moaning about the canteen to me. Of course he was. And he said, well, I had a jacket potato in there that didn't melt the butter.

But also, Frank, they're from a different era, these people. They think, oh, they're already have a health snack. It's like, oh, have a glass of milk. Oh, whatever happened to a glass of milk? That was such a brilliant thing to have. Yeah. Maybe we start doing that on the show. Shall we?

Stop the coffee run and just have a nice glass of milk each, homogenised yes so I don't I can't believe it it was, because you get a bit tired you start a bit you start a bit early

in the morning and that and it's just that little bit of a zing you think you know when you think that you fancy something and you think you do that but they've been old over indulging is the problem well i think she um the what's the name of the yeah she's got capaldi hooked on custard cream and he can't get off the horse. Can I say? Well, obviously this changes everything. What he thinks is he thinks he's bigger on the inside than he is on the outside.

Oh. But he's not. Oh, yes. Well, custard creams, one of the great disappointments of custard creams is that they don't taste like custard. Oh, I love a custard cream. No, but you know when you taste custard, it's really something. The taste of custard is one of my top three experiences

on the planet. Blimey. But when you have a custard cream... Have you got a top three? Yeah, eating custard. Have you got a top three? Yeah. What are the other two?

Well... I won't put them on the spot. I don't know. I've suddenly realised I don't want to the spot I don't want to use them I'm just saying, one involved a hotel Intercontinental, if I remember Yes Even that involved cake, eventually

Frank Skinner Emily Dean Gareth Richards The Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio I tell you what I've got a bit obsessed with just lately The Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. I tell you what I've got a bit obsessed with just lately on the snack front. Yeah. And I'm not, this is not one of these send me free stuff because you'll just be facilitating a habit now.

Skittles. Oh, do you like a skittle? Do you know, there's a, they're called crazy sours, I think, is the particular type of... OK. And I was getting through two, three bags a day. Wow. Of those.

It's a little bit like the depressing bit in Desert Island. Have you talked to anyone about that? Well, the trouble is people immediately think you mean Skittles. Yeah. So they don't... Especially, yeah. But I'm on about the little, small, chewy. And there's something about Skittles,

and this is what's liberating about them in a way, is that they... There's no... It's like no element of nature has interfered with the making of them. They feel incredibly synthetic. You know, there's always things that people tell you about fruit juice. Skittles are like, they're like eating the future. There's just nothing, I don't feel there's anything in them

that you could identify as a living, you know, part of the natural world. And it makes you feel quite, you know, 21st century, having a bag of Skittles. Does it taste the rainbow? Is that what they a bag of um skittles does it taste the rainbow is that what they say is that skittles well i i think i don't know if crazy sours qualify because they um they are deliberately um the sour end of the spectrum yes but oh god they're so moorish and the best bit is i don't i don't rip off open whole top. I just tear a corner off.

And sometimes you think you've got an empty packet, you're squeezing it, you find another one in there, top to... Oh, man. When you think you've had your last crazy sour, and then there's one either. But like I say, if the manufacturers are listening, please don't send them to me.

Give them to the poor. And do you have a routine for eating them? Because when I have a snack often there'll be a certain way that i like to eat that snack well i squeeze them no i well first of all i squeeze them out of the i use i hold them with my left hand and then i use my finger and find to to gradually ease them out a bit like um oh i know that. Yes. And I don't eat them one at a time, really. I'll take two, three, four, five at a time. There's not that many in a packet, can I say, if the manufacturers are listening.

Just go for a smaller packet, make them snug. Like a cocktail. So you get a cocktail of different tastes all at once. Yes. When we were on tour, I'm sorry to mention it again, Emily, but me and Frank went away on tour together. Oh, lovely. I supported Frank on tour. Don't rub it in my face.

Wild and crazy times. Can't believe I missed out on those nights. No sleep till Salisbury. Well, wait, wait till you... You two playing boggle. I don't think we stayed up that late, did we? Drinking dandelion and burdock.

We did go to see... Nawa. Yeah, we did. He was out. Talking about religion. He was out. He's got a lot on. Yeah.

He's seeing Di. His mate Di. They were out together talking about the old times anyway um but i um i'll die the 70 year old yes when i um eat maltesers die the 70 year old is something i heard shouting once at a at a riot who i say we did on the we did establish off air that actually he's not that old i mean i he's not that old. I mean, I was saying, he's probably got a nice young girlfriend, he's in the garden, he's waiting for his big mention, and we've been talking

about biblical times. You know. He shouldn't have, he's identified himself as an older listener, so he's got to sit in that chair. He's probably at the club tonight. So the way I eat Maltesers is I eat the chocolate off first. And the aim is to leave a perfect malty white ball.

Yeah, and then I would eat that. That's what we did on tour. And you didn't believe I could get all the chocolate off cleanly. And the thing is, we're not allowed to touch them with our hands at all. But then Gareth had this idea that what if you had taste buds in... Anyway... It's been a long show, hasn't it? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner. It's been a long show, hasn't it?

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you see about Mariah Carey's school reunion? They've been asking... Yeah, I was invited. Oh, were you? Yeah, didn't you know it was a smithy school reunion? Did you know that? She's a local girl.

I didn't know that. And they've been asking if she's going to be going, her school reunion. Did you know that? She's an alcohol girl. I didn't know that. And they've been asking if she's going to be going to her school reunion. How excited would they be for Mariah Carey to turn up at the school reunion? Wowie. Yeah, can you imagine? It would be good. Oh. Although, you kind of want to be doing better than everyone else at your school reunion.

Yeah. And if one of your schoolmates was Mariah Carey. Yeah. Although it's levelled out a bit. That's true. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't have wanted her there ten years ago. But I think at the moment... So I'm Mariah Carey.

Oh, great. So what have you done recently? Exactly. What have you been up to? Yeah. I haven't heard any songs from you for a while. I've never been to a school reunion. But the only reason one

would go, surely, is to see the people you fancied when you were at school. And what they've turned out like. Yeah, what Cruel Tricks time has played on them. Well, you say that, but then what about when I saw Cornelius Wright, and he looked just as good looking as he always had?

Well, I said, sometimes they weren't playing the tricks. That's the great thing about it. I know. Most of them had put on weight and got bald, I'm not going to lie. Yeah. And the men were even worse. Oh, that's such a, sorry, that's such a sad trope. Oh, God.

Yeah, and that was just the women. So, but she says she's not going. And she says, why would I go to anything? I didn't create myself. That's a problem, that, isn't it? The reason she's saying that is because she did her own show called Homecoming. She said, I made my own high school reunion. It's called Homecoming.

You can look it up on YouTube, she said. Jay-Z was there. It was the best. Jay-Z went to... I like that you made her sound like my hairdresser. What did they go to these kids from fame jay-z was in mariah carey's class no no but he wasn't because she just made up her own show called high school reunion and invited people just famous okay yeah

but her point is that yeah if she didn't create it herself, I took that to mean as well, that if it's not kind of her album launch or her event, why would she go to it? A bit like your attitude towards the New Lads reunion, which obviously you'd go to that because you created it. Well, I imagine I'd be... A headliner. Carried in...

What would they carry you in on, Frank? Oh, now... I'm trying to think what it would be. Would it be a giant... A giant Scion organiser? Me and a topless Liz Hurley waving to the crowd. There's got to be some Joe Guest as well. Oh, Joe Guest.

I think she's slightly later anyway. No, Frank. It's not going to happen. I tell you, it's... You say that. It makes life difficult if you won't go to anything that you didn't create.

Oh, God. I mean, thank God I dated Colonel Sanders. It made life much easier. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We're talking about Mariah Carey's school reunion. What about this? What about Kate

Winslet, who was talking about her school days recently? I love Kate Winslet. Well, she's one of your pin-ups. Size nines and all. Nine and a half. Oh, alright. Calm down, dear. Do you know that, Gareth? She takes a nine and a half shoe. Wowzers. You okay? Yeah, it's fine.

She wants to thank bullies for making her strong. So it's nice to know people like you did some good work. Yeah, and I haven't had one thank you from asking. Yes, I read about it. It's one particular woman

that she saw, what I like about the story, she saw her on the make-up counter somewhere, so, you know, already. There's a status issue going on there, isn't there, even at the start. And she went and said thank you for being such a... Thank you for being such a category C swear word because you made me stronger.

Yeah. Kenya West. Oh, man, that must have been, for that woman, to think, oh, God, I bullied Kate Winslet. I hope Kate tossed her scarf over her shoulder before she left. It sounds quite Alexis Colby, that whole scene. I quite enjoy it. Do you think this is why Mariah isn't keen on going to her school reunion?

Because there'd be lots of people who want to thank her. Do you think she was a school bully? I've got a feeling. Well, since she put on her own school reunion and then didn't invite anyone who went to her school. Gareth, what about when Frank had missed it on the show that he was a bully at school? Yeah.

Well, I was... You were one of the gang. I didn't do the physical stuff. You did the comic relief. Yeah, I did the... Yeah, I'm not proud of it. But, yes, I was the artist in residence. It would all have been a lot bleaker.

Yeah, exactly. If you hadn't been there to lighten the mood. I gave it a satiric edge. And to point out the irony in certain situations. Exactly, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Did you see...

You were like the fool or something in Henry VIII's court. Yeah, or in King Lear. King Lear, yes. Who speaks truth. I'm uncle, and you should give him a dead leg. It was like that. I hate it when Frank tries to get work. He pretends it's just like a joke, but he actually thinks he'll get a part

from that. Well, I was, you know, I'm up for Shakespeare. I was offered bottom in... Oh, don't embarrass yourself. I'm up for Shakespeare. I was offered bottom in Regent's Park. Really? Well, theatre types. Yeah, but I mean, Bottom in Regent's Park. Really? Yeah. Well, theatre types. Yeah, but, I mean, I had to rush home. I played Bottom in the school play.

Did you, really? I was gutted I didn't get Titania. Well, they came eventually. Now, I watched Kate Winslet, can I say to her credit, did the Bear Grylls show. Did you see that? Yes. I'm a fan of Bear.

I watched. Yes. Well, I just saw Bear Kate Winslet was a headline, so I went straight in there. And she was very courageous. But she said a thing, which I hadn't. Is this a saying now? She said, well, my take home is that it's OK to be vulnerable and scared

as long as you carry on. Is that a thing that people say, my take home? Oh, yeah. I've never heard that. I think it's an X Factor thing. I like it. Yeah, do you? Yeah.

I'm going to say that next time I go to... Domino's. KFC, yeah. Well, my take home is a three-piece dinner with slaw. With slaw? Oh, yeah. Oh, I love the slaw.

I think that's the Colonel's second plug of the morning. Wow. How many men can say that at his age? Thank you so much for listening this morning. It's great to have you back, Gareth, by the way. It's lovely to be here. Thank you so much for listening this morning. It's great to have you back, Gareth, by the way. It's lovely to be here. Thank you.

And, yes, it's... I'm Miss Worth. It is done. Done. Lovely to be here. Thank you. Yes, you'll be holding my auburn scepter as we leave. Didn't know it was auburn.

Yes, that's my take home. So if the good Lord spares us and the cranks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.