The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - LEGEND

Episode Date: October 3, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Zoe Lyons and Alun Cochrane this week. They discuss legends, bad gigs, the bedroom under the stairs and Doctor Hugh. Also this week Frank has been feeling the generation gap.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Zoe Lyons is with us this morning. Zee Lyons. You can text the show on 8 12 15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio,

email the show via, or via, 15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. Email the show via, or via, the Absolute Radio website. What do you think? Via or via? I'm a via. But then it's root or route, isn't it, as well? No, but I think that, I'm

happy that route is American, but via and via, I've heard English people use both i said but i'm writing a book about it called aloe vera oh yeah no not really hey i hey can i just this morning um it because there's three comedians uh this morning i want to tell you i did i i did a bit of a comedy first last night really yeah which um i i heckled no wow have you ever heckled i don't think i have in a sort of a true pure heckling way well it was a slightly complicated i wasn't actually heckling a comic but it was it felt like a proper heckle i have to say, suddenly I saw the lure of it. Oh, yeah. Where were you, at a play?

I was at a wedding. Oh, OK, fair enough. And it was during the groom's speech. Was it the... Oh, it was the groom's speech. That's fine. I thought it was the... Is there any reason?

Is there anybody who has any reason? You're suddenly thinking, oh, that could be funny right now. I always have... Do you ever have a slight rush of adrenaline when they say that? Oh, totally. You could really ruin somebody's day.

Exactly. Which is thrilling, isn't it? I mean, it's a thrilling prospect. It is. It's like, you know, sometimes... I had a friend who used to say that when she walked over a bridge, she always thought, oh, what if I jumped over that now?

Yeah, yeah. I get that when I walk past kids with packets of crisps. Just a massive urge to nick their crisps. Did you used to be Gary Lineker? No. In a previous life. So anyway, it was one of those bits where it gets

a bit sentimental in the speech as well. So the groom was up there and he said he said and then we moved in together and then pretty soon she got pregnant. And I shouted, legend!

Legend! Yeah. Excellent. And I have to say, got a good laugh. But also, something that I wouldn't normally do after a gig, I went around after and I said to about four or five people, did you hear my, which I would never say people did you hear my which I would never say did you hear my funny joke on you know

because you can't I might say well you do say it in the cafe every week after we've done this show but there's something exhilarating about you feel you can brag about a heckle because it's an extra it's not part of the entertainment

there's a lot of good layers to it. I like the fact that as you shouted legend, you became a legend in the room. There's something very nice about that. It was incredibly exhilarating. Did he come back at you at all? No, he left a short pause for the laugh to run out, which I thought was good. I thought you were going to say he left.

No, no. No, he left. He just went. Couldn't go through with it under the pressure. I think part of him probably enjoyed being a fertility legend. You know those blokes that walk around with kids sitting on their shoulders? Yeah, yeah. Saying, I'm fertile. Yeah. Fertility legends.

I've done it myself. That's their new nickname now. Yeah. I'm going to start shouting at those blokes, fertility legend! It's so, it er, it was good. But if you're going to be heckled by anybody, it's you I'd want to be heckled by. Thank you, Zoe, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. It's true, though, isn't it? You think, well, if I'm ever going to be heckled, at least I've been done by the best.

I know, someone asked me if I'd got a present at the wedding, and I said, I thought me being here would be enough. What am I turning into? You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

I was going to read you an email that we've received, actually. Do you want to go to the corner, or shall we not? Yeah, if you'd like to, yeah. You're the boss, pal. Why don't we... Let's go traditional. Press it if you want. Email corner. Wow, that's loud. that was really loud.

Great acoustics in that corner. Yeah. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, sorry Zoe. That's alright. It arrived a few weeks ago. In brackets, I'd have changed it to your name just for diplomacy. Sorry about that. You can't. I can't think on the hoof, that's my trouble, to mix metaphors a bit.

Having experienced firsthand the university culture whereby the cringing misuse of the term legend was rife... Yes. What do you get in that? I think we know about that, don't we? It's been refreshing to hear your recent and previous ridicule of the phenomenon and how it belittles the true historical giants of the world. Did we ridicule it?

I think you, both on this show and perhaps in your stand-up, mentioned somebody shouting legend out of a van and you were next to a statue of King Arthur. No, it wasn't a statue of King Arthur, it was King Arthur. Oh, was it? That's why they shouted legend. I wonder why you didn't laugh. I could see you were in a pool of light.

I wonder why you didn't laugh. I could see you were in a pool of light. It's been refreshing to hear your recent and previous... I've lost my track. No. Given that heaven is... Oh, here we go, here we go. Given that heaven is presumably a place with intergenerational co-mingling, it got me picturing multiple scenes where actual legends perform mundane acts now considered

legendary. More specifically, I'm picturing King Arthur downing a pint of cider, Hercules pinching a traffic cone whilst Beowulf would you say Beowulf? I'd say, what was I saying? Beowulf. Yeah. Mischievously moons an angel, each

receiving the collective adulation of a group of nearby youths unironically chanting, Legend! Legend! Hurks you ledge! etc. Can you think of any other examples of actual legends partaking in such pseudo-legendary acts? Long-term listener, first-time writer, Max Bromley Architect in New York. Bromley Architect in New York.

As Sting once sang. Yes. Sort of. What about that? Oat cakes, oat cakes. Remember that Sting song? He went a bit folky. Oat cakes?

Oat cakes. No. As in oat cakes. Yeah. Yeah. What was he doing with them? He was just singing about them. Probably something horrible knowing Sting, wasn't he?

I think there was snow in the video. It was one of those. Oh, dear. O're right uh sting i'm fame um i'm just having some old kicks man oh yeah so um well i have not had a shower for five years he hasn't had a shower nobody doesn't he doesn't shower, does he? He doesn't shower? No, he's got this, he just robs him. I think he stands in the sink and Trudy Steiner robs him down with half a fire brick. Oh, that's good. No, he doesn't shower.

It's part of the whole tantric lifestyle. How can showering be offensive to a tantric lifestyle? I don't think it's offensive. The idea is we just don't need it. I think we do. I came here on the tube this morning and I can tell you categorically we do need it. Not me, people around me. Well, you're sitting next to Sting.

Oh, Sting. Yeah. That's what they call him there, Sting. That's right, in the video he has all those candles around him to burn up the carbon monoxide. It's a really rubbish wedding singer tribute act. Stink. What a kid. I don't know that one.

Anyway, we'll come back to this in a second, but we have obligations as a commercial radio station. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text slightly chastising you, Frank.

It's from 002. I cannot believe you used your own email corner jingle, Frank. How can you just forget Emily like that? I think you might have played the old one. Yeah, I did. It was me, actually, on vocals. That's quite right. But I never made... Someone made it. They grasped the moment.

But, yeah, I stand reprimanded. quite right but i never i never made someone made it they they grasped the moment but yeah i stand reprimanded we also by the way we haven't really responded to that email oh yeah about um legends legends doing stuff that's legendary i like the idea of let's say bigfoot covered head covered in cling film manacled to a war memorial on his stag night. Legend. Yeah. Why cling film? Isn't that what they do to people on their own?

I don't know. You live in Brighton, you must have seen some stag night. I've never seen a yeti cling film. Bigfoot's not a yeti, is he? Isn't he? He is. No, that's the abominable snowman. Bigfoot's not a yeti, is he? Isn't he? He is He's a Yes, he is Don't split hairs

No, I think No, that's the abominable snowman Aren't they all the same thing? No, Bigfoot is I don't think he's a yeti He's a big, tall, slightly He's like the missing link, I think What's the other word for him?

Sandsquatch I don't know Sandsquatch Because he squashes the sand with his big feet. Yeah, yeah. Sand squasher. It's not sand squash. What's the other word for a yeti? Sand squash. No, a yeti is the abominable snowman. Yeah.

Sand squash is probably Bigfoot. Oh, no, I genuinely thought they were the same thing. I'm glad you've told me this. You've made a complete fool of yourself. If I ever meet any of them at a cocktail party I'd have really put my massive foot in that so have you never seen

Web of Fear no Doctor Who six part I haven't the yetis are in that of course they turn out to be big feet

they've sort of got metal bits there's a lot of homework involved in doing this show you have to watch a lot of Doctor Who Doctor Who Doctor Who

Doctor Who Doctor Who I mean I've said Who would be a very English adventure. That would be a good parody, wouldn't it? I knew what I was going to say. There was a bloke called Doctor Who. There must be a Doctor Who somewhere, eh? There must be some evil robot in it called the Derricks. All just slightly wrong.

The Cider Men. It's great here, isn't it? I like this planet. Well, I'll tell you what I saw last night. I was walking home and I saw the Tooth Fairy completely destroying a bus stop with a lump of concrete. And I went, legend! Legend! You know what?

But this thing about the legend thing which it says we criticised it, I think there's something brilliant about it. Yeah? Because I think that the people who do it, even though they're doing it in that legend way,

they're actually tuning in to the very root of mythology. Yeah. That someone does an incident, and then it's built up and built up and built up in a sort of an oral tradition until it becomes something amazing and almost supernatural. And that's how the original legend started. And now when Bill goes with two bar bar mates in a night yeah that story

gets built up it becomes 10 bill becomes more drunk more the judge telling the story to his grandchildren yes they are building legends like as legends were always built good night very it's bbc for you aren't you as well yeah i've got a bit of that in me haven't you seen me i've tried to female equivalent then do i don't think i don't think girls shout legend to each other i mean you're right actually if there's any if there's any um any female legends or who've called out i'd like to know that i don't know yeah that again i think in brighton you would have heard that because there's a lot of hen parties going around. There's a lot of hen parties going around Brighton.

But it's not the same as wearing a PVC nurse outfit when you're the 51-year-old auntie. People don't go legend. No. No. They get worried, don't they? I personally go, she's all right. But that's an age thing, I think.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Somebody has texted in to put me out of my misery, and it's Sasquatch. Anonymously they have texted in, but thank you very much. Sasquatch is the other word for a yeti or bigfoot no it's not it is not yes i think sasquatch sounds like something an american would say to describe a pumpkin though it's sort of you know you can confuse if you went around for dinners you know sometimes they like zucchini yes we're having sasquatch uh we're gonna have some sasquatch

i always like that eggplant what is eggplant eggplant is Eggplant. It's aubergine, isn't it? Aubergine. Yum. You want an eggplant? No. I went to a, what do they call their, not Independence Day. Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving Day. I went to one of those dinners with Americans living in London where, like, the man of the

house wore a suit and tie at the table and all that. It was, I quite liked it. I like any excuse. Yeah. They have turkey then, don't they? like the man of the house wore a suit and tie at the table and all that. I quite liked it. I like any excuse. Yeah, they have turkey then, don't they? Oh, any excuse for poultry. That's my motto in life. I once had a Thanksgiving dinner in the States,

and we had deep-fried turkey. Whoa. It was brilliant. It was so American. They took a barrel out into the garden, filled it full of oil, drilled a hole into a turkey, and then dipped it in hot fat in an oil barrel. And it was surprisingly

tasty. I think that's our first turkey drilling anecdote. When they drill into a turkey, you know the stuff that comes out when you drill, that sort of, is that what a turkey twizzler is? Yeah, that's what you make of it.

Is it turkey carcass drilling? It's drill bits. Deep fried. That was only sparked by the fact you said the States. Yeah. Well, it was Alaska. I did that last week. I know, but when people say the States, I always say...

He gets in one of his huffs. The US of A. He did it last week. US of A, I think he's more... Even though that's terrible, it's moreuffs. The US of A. He did it last week. US of A, I think, is more, even though that's terrible, it's more acceptable. The US of A. That's like the AB of C, the Archbishop of Canterbury. Anyway, before we came on air,

when Zoe arrived this morning, she looked like a broken soul because of a gig she'd had last night. So, of course, me and Alan are desperate to hear that. We love to hear of other comedians' suffering. That's the glorious thing about comedians, isn't it? They never want to hear about the good ones. They always want to hear about the bad ones. My week has been beautifully bookended

because I had one of the best gigs I've ever done in a lovely environment. So forget about that. Quite a big room. It went really well. Marvellous. Other end of the spectrum. Mazel tov.

But carry on. It went really well. All right. Other end of the spectrum. Mazel tov. But carry on. Pub last night in Surrey. And I don't know if you've ever had the experience of walking into a room and just going,

this is not going to go my way. This is not going to go well at all. And they were all drinking Jager bombs before they even started. If the audience were already drinking Jager bombs before it's even started and then were annoyed when they had to sit down because the comedy was on, they had to stop talking. Oh, yes. And then when I got on stage,

and they were just annoyed that I was there, just that look in their face of... When I first started, I was given the advice, never do comedy in a town where they point to airplanes it was a bit like that yeah a little bit like i have to say half the room were absolutely delightful the other half of the room we really weren't going to bond um and there was almost a fight i nearly caused a fight at the first time in a long time because there's a guy who couldn't even look at me he couldn't even bring bring himself to look at me. He just looked at the floor.

He was like, I'm not even... There was a bird on stage. I'm not even... If I don't look at it, it will go away. If I just keep my eyes away from it, it will just go away. Why hasn't she gone away? And I could see him thinking, how do I get rid of it? Rent a kill?

Am I going to get rid of it? To be fair to him, he might have been the victim of a botched lynching. Possibly. And his head is always, like, twisted horribly in that direction. Did you see any rope mocks? Do you know, I didn't even consider that. The botched lynching.

Do you know, it didn't even cross my mind. And now I feel like an idiot. That's it with me. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. Frank's got such a positive outlook. It's his coping strategy for all the tough gigs he's had in his life. Yes, I've got an excuse

for every bit of hostile crowd behaviour. It sort of... It unravelled, though, like a piece of sort of 50-year-old rope around, you know, just unravelled. Oh, dear. And then somebody at the back went, why don't you just shut up to the bloke who kept heckling me? And then he just turned around with that look,

just that look in his eye went, want some? And I was like, oh, God, there's going to be a fight! And it was in that moment I realised, I don't actually know what to do, Want some? And I was like, Oh, God, there's going to be a fight. And it was in that moment I realised, I don't actually know what to do in this situation. And I just stood on stage going, Please don't fight, please don't fight, please don't fight.

More love, not peace. Love, love, love, love, love, love, don't fight. He didn't consider, let's get ready to rumble. In the blue corner. So did they fight? No, they didn't. But the tension was building. Not even pushy-pushy? Not even a little bit, because of the

chair arrangement. It can be difficult to start a fight when there's road seating, can't it? Yeah, that's why they brought in all three stadiums. Yeah, good point. I don't think it's the worst gig I've ever had. I once had to leave down the fire exit. Excellent. We had to go through the kitchen and down the fire

exit. The floor manager came in and went, I think you'd better go out the kitchen and down the fire exit somebody kept the floor manager came in and went i thought i think you better go out the front and i went why i went somebody's ripped out the toilet and uh it's gonna be a fight so we had to run down the fire exit and then i ran across the car park as police cars were arriving wow yeah man well um i often live by the fire exit but onyx said i want to be mobbed. Me too, for different reasons. So problems apply. That was the old thing. The audience were with me all the while,

but I managed to lose them at the railway station. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, I'd like to ask your advice on this. I got my son, I have a three-year-old son, Zoe, I don't know if you're aware of this, called Boz, after Aldrin. And I got him something to play with this week,

which I'm interested in the psychological. It's when we used to do, when we've done Room 101 in the past, which is this show I do on BBC One, we have these things called Frank dolls, which are like action men, but they've got my face. And we're not using them on the new series.

So they gave me them. So I thought, oh, I'll give him one of these to play with. What do you think about that? So he's got his own dad action figure. Dad doll. Yeah, dad doll. And I just wondered about, I mean, the truth is, he could put me in a series of awkward or embarrassing situations.

Or deadly. Yeah. I mean, you know, sometimes heads come off normal action men, but if your dad is being ripped apart, this could be quite troubling. Yeah, I don't know if it's a good thing or not. What size is dad doll? Is it just your regular sort of Barbie size?

Action man size. The head's slightly bigger, so that it looks like me. Yeah, good. Because my head is slightly bigger, I admit to that. I mean, physically. But, yeah, so I don't know why... I don't want to be in a situation where I've got an action man kneeling behind me

and one in front pushing me over. Oh, yeah. But it did strike me that this is a dilemma that bears must have all the time. Explain. Because they get their children. Zoe, I was prepared to wait for you. Sorry.

I was prepared to wait for you, darling. Thank you. Satellite delay. I've had very little sleep after that gig last night. There's been a lot of tossing and turning. Not in a good way. This reminds me... It reminds me that Bob Monkhouse had this joke he told me about when

I worked with Bob. You've worked with them all. He said that he had a joke where he would say, oh, I love these animal biscuits they sell at Marks and Spencer's. They're my favourite things animal shaped biscuits he said and I got a box of them I was really

looking forward to it and then it said on the box do not eat if the seal is broken and he said and would you believe it and he said to me I did that joke early on and it tests the audience because

sometimes I can say do not eat if the seal is broken, and they laugh, and I think this is going to be a good night. They're in there. He said, sometimes I have to say, and would you believe it? And then they laugh, and I think they'll be all right. He said, and sometimes I have to say, when I took the top off, the seal shaped biscuit was broken. And if they laugh,, you think, right,

this is going to be like climbing a sheer cliff. I've never had one of those testing jokes. People always talk about their testing jokes to see how a crowd is. My testing opening line is, good evening. And if it goes well from then, then it's fine. Last night I should have known from the off get-go this isn't going to go well. Well, one of these dolls, which is action man-sized,

he's in pyjamas. So what I thought of doing was saying to Kath, I'm off to bed now, but I'm just going to try this new shower gel that a scientist sent into the radio show. Honey, I shrunk the skinner. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. What was the best day of your life? A bit of good texting. Yeah, don't you think that'd be a good texting? I think it'd just, you know, lots of people going, oh, the day I married the love of my life. I've seen people feel like they have to say marriage or the birth of a child.

Yeah. Oh, I don't. Are you married? I am married. It was a fine day. Fine? It was a fine day, but it wasn't the best day. I don't know.

Just fine. No, it was a fine day. Fine? It was a fine day, but it wasn't the best day. I don't know. I can't ask that. Just fine. No, it was a lovely day. It was a really lovely day. It sounds like a weather report. I liked it better when it was fine. How was your weather day? Fine?

Fine. Light drizzle. Fine. Yeah. Listen, I had the generation gap. You've heard of that? Yeah. Apparently it still exists. I was talking to a young woman, what I work with, the other day,

and she was off to get lunch, and I said, are you passing a paper shop? And she said, what, like a stationery? I said, no, you know, a paper shop. No idea at all. Now, I thought that was a universal term. I'm slightly worried that you are both looking a bit confused. News agents.

News agents, yeah. News agents, yeah, yeah. But I thought everybody... Has that actually died out, paper shop? She might have been very... Like, she might have only heard people say news agents, and when you said paper shop, she might have been picturing a shop agents and when you said paper shop she

might have been picturing a shop made of paper perhaps a shop made of paper yeah what people people who live in shops made of paper shouldn't throw yeah torches scissors scissors yeah i really thought that it was so i mean it's it's you knew this you knew it's dying out. I wouldn't have called it the paper shop. Okay. Okay. What I like about this is if you actually stand back and analyse the word news agent, it does make people who run a paper shop sound a bit grand. An agent of the news.

I've come in here for news. Yeah. And can have a factor orange as well. I've come in here for news. Peddling in. Yeah, I've come in here for news. Yeah, especially in a digital era. And I've found an orange as well. I've come in here for news. Yeah, just two school kids at once, please. They don't feel like agents of the news, do they?

Do you know what I saw this morning at the very early hours as I made my way here? I'm, I'm, I'm, was it an audience member with a hatchet still following? Still trying to locate meet still following your bicycle? Yeah, bicycling back to Brighton. Go jack to Brighton on your bicycle! But it's wind-powered.

No, I saw a milk cart. Oh, that's what it is, isn't it? That's news shop, paper shop timings, isn't it? Well, I also, this was a few months back now, I used the word about, I said it's next to the, I was on about this school, and I said it's right next to the picture house. Oh.

And they again looked. Did you really? Picture house. Like it might be an art gallery. Stassi snaps. He's in Dulwich, he's in Dulwich next to the gallery. It's a cinema. It's a cinema.

The talkies. Oh, shut up. Yeah, if there was one in talkie, that'd be amazing. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Zoe Lyons is with us this morning. You can text our little show on 81215, follow the show on the social networking site Twitter,

at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You said Twitter, that you spat it out. No, no, I know it serves a purpose. Well, it's... Because Charlotte has just tweeted in to say, I have only ever heard of Paper Shop in my circles, and I am only 28.

There you go. So there you go, Frank. There you go. There you go. So it's not something that only older people say. No, Frank. There you go. There you go. So it's not something that only older people say. No, no. We've also had a text in. We're using all the different communications here.

Yeah, wow. What's next? I've just had a Xerox come in from a local newsagent. You improvised one of our text-ins earlier when you said, I wonder what people's best day of their life is. And 240 has texted, best day of my life, just got me in the mood for celebrations,

50 today. Incidentally, one of the worst days of my life was Frank's opening night in Edinburgh last year. Hang on, don't panic. I bought my very ex-boyfriend tickets for his birthday to see you, and we had a bust-up in the pub and he stormed off with the tickets and went in without me.

Capital letters on without. Still traumatised and finished a five-year relationship. Fact. She finishes. I think she could have gone as far as hashtag fact. Which is something I heard that Atomic Kitten woman say on Celebrity Big Brother. Oh, did she?

She said, let's get one thing right. Great Britain is better than America. Hashtag fact. At least she didn't say the States. You must have A. To her eternal credit. Apparently she has eternal credit as well, which is a tremendous advantage in life.

That's great Yeah, when you can run up some biggies You'd go crazy in a department store, couldn't you? Before! We've had a text I did in the Macy's The changing room at Macy's on 5th Avenue Oh, I don't know if we want to

No, you're right, I can't tell you I think you might have told it on air before I haven't told it on air, have I? I think you might have told it on air before. I haven't told it on air, have I? I think you might have. Anyway. In what context was that? It's show of lewd reminiscences. Tied it up context, I think, yeah.

George from Bexley002 has texted, can I just clarify with you after last week's twinned towns that Swindon is 100% twinned with disney world florida and not paris we thought it was a joke didn't we we thought it was a disparaging remark but swindon is twinned with disneyland florida yeah and he says it's not a dig at swindon and uh and maybe it's a dig at disneyland florida it sounds like it is in a way disneyland florida's taking quite a hit on that i would say um and he says it's uh he doesn't know if it's due to the magic roundabout. I don't know what that means.

The magic roundabout is that roundabout in Swindon where every exit is a mini roundabout. It's huge. It's like a string of DNA. It really is massive and very confusing. It is. I've been round Swindon and got lost and thought, I can't be dealing with this. And they've just, I think, rode Rothschild over five mini roundabouts.

Yes, but mini roundabouts are like shadows in that at night they no longer exist. You can just go straight over them, it's fine. Are they more a suggestion? Yeah, exactly, they're a hint. They're a serving suggestion They're a serving suggestion. Swerving suggestion. Very good. Oh, God,

really, sometimes I just... It just comes out, doesn't it? Amazing. Anyway, yes, they are swerving suggestions. I wonder where's twinned with Western Superman's Dismal Land, then? There's somebody with that. That's temporary, isn't it? You don only get twin with anywhere temporary.

I mean, one could never be certain, of course. But, no, I think... I thought if it's a twin town, it has to be a town. Is Disneyland Florida a town? Is it a bit like Vatican City or something like that? I think it is a bit like the Vatican City. I think it's similar to the Vatican City. I think we can just end it there. I think it is a bit like the Vatican City. I think it's similar to the Vatican City. I think we can just end it there.

I wonder if it's actually twin with... The roller coasters in the Vatican City are better. I wonder if they got a letter from the mayor of Cartoon suggesting they're twin. There was just a bit of Chinese whispers at the Swindon Town Hall. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast

from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. A cake has come into the studio. Oh, goodness me.

It's all gone a bit test match special. It's been carried by a person. Not a cake has come into the studio. Oh, goodness me. It's all gone a bit test, Matt, special. It's been carried by a person. Not a cake has just walked in. No. It's a miracle. Charlie has brought in a cake. Charlie, or for our French listeners, Charles, has brought in a cake.

I don't know what's French for cake. Any offers? Gâteau. Gâteau. Gâteau. In the ghetto. Gâteau. Erm yes so a cake Zoe it's your birthday

It is my birthday Today It's your birthday Fantastic It's my birthday I wonder why I signed that card Yeah I just put best wishes Frank Skinner

All the best in your new job Exactly Yes because you're not coming back here madam Oh There better be a fiver in there. Get yourself something nice to recall. That used to be brilliant when a card used to come with a fiver in it. Oh, yeah, excellent.

Or even a pound note. Yeah. Yes. Pound note from you, Nan. See, I got pound notes for a lot longer than most people because most of my family are Scottish, so the pound note carried on there. Oh, I thought you were making some terrible racist

remark about... How frugal they are. No, not at all. That wouldn't be my style. Are they still going, pound notes? Scottish people definitely are still going. No. Some could say they're on... Pound notes. Pound notes still in Scotland. They're on the crest of a wave at the moment. Pound notes, no. Really?

Not even in Scotland? No, they're gone. Gone. Totally gone. But not forgotten, No, they're gone. Gone? Yeah. But not forgotten, as I think this chat is proving. No. Paper shops, bound notes. It's getting my last of the summer wine, this thing. It's a cracker. Cake.

I'm drinking hot chocolate. I mean, what's going on? I've got a hot chocolate with cream on. Oh, yeah. I hate these comedians always have to top what you've got. Top what you've got and just add it to it. Especially when they top it with cream. I'm a lactose legend.

That's what's happening here. Yeah, lactose legend. She doesn't mean she's really busty. She means she's having cream. That would be great. I would love it if that was my nickname. Here she comes, Lion's Lactose Legend. Do you think that's what the head knights are shouting at each other after all?

Oh, man, that's what you shout at Lucy Pinder. Lactose Legend! Lucy Pinder, that almost feels older than Paper Shop. I think it does, yeah. I've lost touch with the glamour girls. Yes, yes you have Very much so I made a tactical error on Sunday evening

I performed a stand-up gig And a comic was on and said He said to the promoter but in earshot of me I don't suppose there's anybody on that's driving back to Manchester And I went, I'll give you a lift lad, don't worry I'll give you a lift And I actually said in front of the promoter and the lad, I went, the only thing that I ask is that you just put on social media

that I'm a nice guy and that's all I request is that you mention on the Twitter that I'm a nice guy. I was kidding. Yeah. But then I rued it because I got up the next morning and realised that I'd missed that super blood moon thing that I'd actually made a mental note to stay awake for and see. You know the moon turned red on Sunday night,

Monday morning. Yes. And I'd been driving the previous three nights, two gigs, thinking, wow, it's a full moon, it's so bright. And then I remembered, oh, there's going to be that thing that night, I should stay up and watch it. And so I completely missed it. But why did the lift home have an effect on you missing it? Because I forgot all about it by doing a good deed. And so I've made it as a new resolution

that I'll just never help anyone ever again. Yes. Leave them by the side of the road. And that'll help my astronomy career, I think. So I think I read that you weren't doing another good deed for 33 years. Yeah. Oh, no, that was the red moon.

That's when the next time it comes around. Yes, I'm right. That's how often Alan does a good... Well, at least it'd be a great... When people say, do you remember that red moon thing? You'll say, well, I was doing a good deed. Yeah. Missed out.

I didn't see the red moon. I saw it before it went red. The white moon. We all saw it before it went red. We've seen loads of them. Hold the front page. I've spent my whole life seeing it before it went red. It was due to go red.

And it was pretty impressive. But a lot of the pictures in the press of the Red Moon I think were slightly enhanced. It was like the moon had really done a very good profile pic of itself. Like enhanced it's sort of

Facebook picture. You're not really that good looking. That's not what you look like. Because there was a picture of it over Brighton Beach, and it just looked massive, it looked like a scene from Star Wars, I went, it did look like that. No, well, no more though, they did do lots of photos of it in different locales, there's one in like, you know, a place in California, and it occurred to me that the moon might be the original photo bomber.

Oh yeah. Because it is in the background of tons of pictures of other stuff, isn't it? It's getting in there. That is... I saw it through very squinty eyes, because I'd gone up. I'll be straight with you, to urinate. And so I was in just a pyjama jacket walking back. I know it's a good image.

Just the top? Yeah, just the top. More than one moon that night. So the moon was looking through my window. I assumed it was just embarrassed. That's why it had gone that colour. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had a text. I think we're going to return to the moon in a moment.. We've had a text. I think we're going to return to the moon in a moment, but we've had a text from... Oh, God, I wish we would return to the moon. ..in Crowborough. Where's that? I can't say that about people's homes. No, it was more information gathering.

Where's Crowborough? Could be the north, could be the south. It's either Kent or West Sussex. No, hang on. Never eat shredded wheat. East Sussex. Excellent. Thank you from our geography expert.

Frank, I think I know the paper shop you're talking about. Is it the one right next to the cobbler's? So he knows it. He knows the one you're on about. Yeah, what's a cobbler? You're the candlestick maker. Oh, yes. I don't understand that, but I like anyone who joins in

He's joined in And he's picked an old school shop But you still get cobblers don't you Yeah Aren't they still called cobblers They're combined it with key cutting a lot of the time And they're called sports trophies Yes

There's the three things you need all at the same time aren't they I've locked myself out and I've won the league It's the sort of thing you celebrate when in the league until you get a bit drunk, lose your keys and throw your shoes at opposing fans Yeah So that's why

What else today? That's a good texting What else can one get in a cobbler's shop apart from shoes mended sports trophies and keys? Umbrellas. Umbrellas. Yes, I don't want you to answer it all. I've got another one. No idea of audience, but go on, then.

Pet tags. Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't know that. Are they engraved in those shops? Yeah, they're engraved. OK. Yeah, that's what they do to the sports trophies, isn't it? And if your pets won a trophy.

Best dog. Yes, I, um, does the man in the moon, does he still, he's still there, isn't he? Yeah. If you believe. No, but you can see. I don't mean God, I mean that face that appears to be on the moon.

That's not God. You knew that, don't you? Before you say anything, it's not the Yeti. Sasquatch. No. Sasquatch. Bless you. But I've all my life, I've looked to the man in the moon and thought, how great that the man in the moon is up there like that.

Can you still call it... You'll know about this. You live in Brighton. Yeah. Do we have to call it the person in the moon? The personage in the moon and thought how great that the man in the moon is up there like that can you still call it you'll know about this you live in brighton yeah do we have to call it the person in the moon the personage in the moon the person of nondescript gender in the moon yeah it's a bloke in the moon isn't it well it could be a person i'm happy to call it the person in the moon it looks like a man though well i don't know i like always like women that look like me. I am. With a big moon face. They're my favourites.

Emma Brunges. Not Emma Brunges. God, that's a friend of mine. She has not got a moon face. I meant to say Emma Bonten. If Emma Brunges is listening, she'll be furious. She's a personal friend of mine. She has not got a moon face.

Can I say that? Oh, wow. Phew, it's hot in here, isn't it? Is it the hot chocolate? I don't know. Oh, dear. It's always dangerous ground if you're describing women who are the size of planets. I'm not saying it's like... Has the sun got anything? You can't look at the sun, can you? You're not really meant to, are you?

The sun could have a Banksy on it for all we know. You can never have a proper look at the sun. That's what I hate about the sun, can you? You're not really meant to, are you? The sun could have a Banksy on it for all we know. You can never have a proper look at the sun. That's what I hate about the sun. It's so elitist. It's too bright. Can't look at it. I told you I watched an eclipse through a bin liner once. You did, yeah.

And it takes some of the glamour out of the whole thing. At least with a lunar eclipse, you can relax into it a bit. Especially if you're only wearing a pyjama top. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've had a text from Ian in Farnborough saying, Watch batteries and straps, common bedfellows of rehealing shoes

and engraving trophies. Watch battery? Oh, I remember that. Yeah, you can get a watch battery. In Edinburgh, there was a sign on a shop that said watch battery's fitted. And I thought, well, I got up then at the time. You're a busy man, aren't you? Yeah, but is it that spectacular?

Yeah, I... Can I say I wasn't that impressed by the red moon? I think I was half asleep. I thought it looked good in red. It's one of those moments when I thought, I can either watch this or I can watch the inside of my eyelids. And the latter can be incredibly appealing at that time in the morning. So I just had a quick look on.

And that did you. And that was it for me. Apparently some people saw it as a sign of the end of the world. What, a man in just a pyjama jacket? It was that disturbing, Frank. They thought this is the apocalypse is upon us. How did they arrive at that? It's quite a leap, isn't it?

There's so many things that symbolise the end of the world. Do you remember, like, 2012 or something was supposed to be? Oh, yeah, and the Millennium Bug and all that stuff. Millennium Bug, decimalisation. I like the fact that in the paper that I read... Who shot JR? Yeah. In the paper that I read, they didn't refer to it as the end of the world.

They kept referring it as the end of days. Oh, yeah. Some people thought it was the end of days, and I thought, what, night? Isn't that the end of days? So when people are on night shifts in a factory, they should be saying, I work end of days, me. Yeah, I'm on the end of days, innit? That is generally true of the moon. The moon is end of days for me. Yeah, I'm on the end of days, innit? That is generally true of the moon.

The moon is end of days. Yeah. I'd go so far now, and you can quote me on this, I'd say the moon was basically nocturnal. Yeah. Although it does occasionally make an appearance during the sunshine. It does, what? Brilliant.

How does that happen? Love it. Because I've never, ever seen the sun at night. The sun sticks to its hours. It's quite rigid. You know what I mean? It occasionally just pulls a double shift, doesn't it? It's out of there.

The moon will just anger her. The moon's one of those people that doesn't have much of a home life. Well, isn't that what they call moonlighting, where you have a second job? Oh. So that's... So it is, isn't it? So, yeah, it's doing a little bit of... The moon.

The moon is... Because I remember saying on this show One of the great job shares ever Is the sun and the moon But the sun is very strict about his hours The moon I was bringing Boz back from Little Kickers

Which is like a football thing So that would be 5 past 4 And he said look there's the moon This was in the summer Just like it was in the summer. There's the moon. Just like it was just in the staff canteen. Nowhere to go. Maybe they've just got different contract arrangements. Maybe the moon's on a zeroes hours

contract and can do as many as it wants. Whereas the sun's on a strict work to rule. Maybe the moon has appointments and thinks it's not worth going home. Yeah. Why was I just hanging around at work? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

It's not the texting that we thought we would have this morning when we started the show. I'm not sure we did think we would have one, but here it is. We've got some more things that are available from Cobblers. Oh, excellent. Hi, Frank and team. I believe Cobblers also sell hip flasks and zipper lighters too. Wow, for people making their own Molotov cocktails.

Yes, and that's from Jenny McKenzie in Hemel Hempstead, the hometown twinned with Germany Neu-is-en-berg. Neu-is-en-berg? Neu-is-en-berg, yeah. Yeah, it's because it follows onto a different line, so it was quite hard to read that. It's not my bad. Don't come here with your cheap excuses.

And the other magic roundabout... The man who said Dr Hugh. Yeah, that was a doctor called Hugh. Yeah. That's who I meant. I went to the Cobblers the other day for a watch battery and discovered they also fix phone screens. Is there no end to these people's talents?

No, I think what they've done is that most people don't get their shoes mended now, they just get a new pair of shoes. Right. So they've diversified and they've just carried on adding things that they do at that shop. It's brilliant. We could all learn from this. I wonder if... When that gig was going bad last night you could have

i thought i could just leave yeah you could have juggled yeah diversified just washed up picked up a few plates i wish you're so good do people still do that here's the question for a texting i'd like to know if there's anyone listening whoever was unable to pay in a restaurant and did the washing up. Had to wash the dishes. I mean, has that ever really happened? That's surely the stuff of legends! It is, but I've never met anyone who's done that. No, I've left without paying by accident. Yes, you have. Yeah, yeah, your honour.

Did you wash up by accident? I thought the other one had paid. Also, if that happens, if someone doesn't have the money to pay for their meal and they end up washing up, what happens to the person whose job it is you wash up by accident? I thought the other one had paid. Also, if that happens, if someone doesn't have the money to pay for their meal and they end up washing up, what happens to the person whose job it is to wash up? Do they then get sacked for the night, or do they still get paid? I used to wash dishes in a pub. Yeah, because what happens is you're rewarding the person who normally washes up.

Yeah. But what have they done? I don't know. I went to one of those sushi virgin restaurants. You know where you eat sushi off a naked woman? I didn't take a penny with me. I like to sit in sushi restaurants with a conveyor belt that have the little conveyor belt of sushi

and pretend I'm a giant fish coming back from a holiday awaiting my luggage. Nice. Then I have a little pretend argue with my fish partner and go, I'm sure we packed the double prawn. I spend a lot of time alone. No, it's all right. I told you don't go into that.

It's not your birthday. Not your birthday. It is my birthday. Yeah. It's my birthday. Have you had any gifts? No. I've had some cake, which is lovely. Thank you. Well, you're not going to get gifts here. You have to be more regular. No, my birthday. Have you had any gifts? No. I've had some cake, which is lovely.

Thank you. Well, you're not going to get gifts here. You have to be more regular. No, I know. Sorry. You can't just drop in. On air. On air, Frank.

On air. I know, but you can't just do the week that it's your birthday. My high prune diet. Do lots of temporary jobs during your birthday to get the gift. I think you're supposed to bring in cake. That's how it was when I was working in an office. Is that what you did on your birthday to get the gift. I think you're supposed to bring in cake. That's how it was when I was working in an office. Is that what you did on your birthday? People used to bring in a tray of profiteroles sometimes.

I wasn't going to do profiteroles at two o'clock in the morning. Why not? Come home after my horrific gig. Don't tell me you could sleep after that gig. And then pipe cream into profiteroles. I thought you'd be glad someone took your mind off it. Couldn't you just peel some of the ones Off your back

It was sausage rolls Oh sausage rolls I've been happy with that I like it when they're soaked in tears Propheta rolls Soaked in tears You know I used to think they were called Propheta rolls Until we aged before Propheta rolls soaked in tears. You know, I used to think they were called profiteroles.

Oh, yeah. I told my aunties before, and I think it was one long word. Profiteroles. That's too long. Profiteroles. What else? What are you getting for your birthday, do you know? I'm getting, hopefully, I'm getting a dive computer.

What? Yeah. That sounds a bit good. What is that, like a water proof? It's like a dive watch that you wear when you go scuba diving. So an undersea computer. An undersea computer. Whoa, I never even heard of those.

Yeah. And when you switch it on, does it go... And it doesn't have a wind at the side, it's got a mini periscope. You're making it up now, aren't you? But you know what, you don't have to turn them on they are so clever when you jump into the water they automatically come on that is clever but what does it is it like it's like an apple no no it's it sort of it it tells you how far how deep you are and how long you've been down there and when you should come up and but can

you get the internet generally not just generally no the reception you couldn't do candy crush no i can't do Amazon Shopping while I'm down there. It's called Diving, it's like a tool for... Yeah, I thought it was like an apple, an underwater apple watch. No, it's more like a watch, like a big watch with buttons and stuff. A big rubbery strap

to go around a wetsuit type thing. Oh, right. It's a proper gadget. It's a gadget for legends. You know I don't put my face in the water. You keep going on about it. Well, I've never even heard of that before I dive watch. Well, I think that's what I'm guessing.

If it's not there when I get home, there's going to be tears. No, that's going to be rubbish if it's just one of those. You know those like necklaces with candy? Yeah. If it's just one of those. And a book token. You know, misunderstood the box. Oh, man, I don't want to think about it.

Too late. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. There was a thing in the paper this week. Living in London is often stressful and difficult to find places. I don't know whether you saw the story of a woman who went to see a room in Clapham. Oh, yes. Went to see a room in Clapham.

I think it was advertised as a flat share, and she got there and the guy was showing her around. It was 500 quid a month. 500 quid a month, which I think... Reasonable. Is that reasonable? Oh, yeah. I think that's pretty good.

And when she got there, the landlord was showing her around and opened essentially a cupboard door and there was the bedroom, if you can call it that. It was a bed in what would be the place where you'd normally keep your hoover, I guess. Yeah. What I think people refer to as the cupboard under the stairs. The cupboard under the stairs.

It's a place where traditionally people were put for punishment, wasn't it? Yeah, multi-cupboard. Certainly, I speak now for the S&M community. I'd be happy to live there. And for 500 quid, she tweeted a picture of it. This is where it became big news this week because it went all around Twitter.

And it was just a single mattress. Even, I would say, a sort of Quaker single mattress. It looks smaller just a single mattress. Even a... I would say a sort of Quaker single mattress. It looks smaller than a single mattress. Yeah, yeah. And a pillow and a box. But the landlord did qualify this by saying they were looking for somebody who didn't want to spend their whole time in their bedroom.

Yes, which is true. Yeah, unless you're a minion. Well, it was one of those things, you could stand at the tall end. I mean, this is the thing with the cupboard under the stairs. It has got a tall end, a tall wall. I mean, there's sleeping under the eaves and then there's sleeping under the stairs, isn't it? It's very romantic, that sleeping under the stars.

No, it was romantic. I'll kill that typist. It was romantic because she had to share the room with Henry, the Hoover. If you wanted to, what would be great if she sobbed let, if she bought it, and then thought you could get two people on this mattress. Turn it into a mezzanine. If you bought an enormous, ornate fan, you know, like a Spanish lady would use. Then open that in the middle of the room.

It'd be the right shape to separate it into two. Partition. Partition, yeah. Brilliant. I like the fact that you're sleeping in a wedge-shaped room, though. Wow. I think I'd wake up every morning and go, Wedge-end!

You'd be known as the Wedge-end. It could be a nightmare finding somewhere to live though i went through a phase years ago i call it my i call it my blue period um uh i was i'd split up from somebody and i'd join the smurfs yeah i had to join a lot of dirty jokes yes yeah circulation problems my droopy white hat and um he's going out with Anthony Costa that was it

I had to find a room really quickly and I didn't have a lot of money I was at drama school and doing a bit of waitressing that sort of thing and I saw some proper horrible places I ended up renting the room in a house of a woman who was very much into alternative medicines and the alternative sort of life, yes.

I used to come home at night and she'd have feng shui'd my room for it to be more auspicious for me. Well, you see, that wouldn't happen if you'd been in the cupboard under the stairs. No, you couldn't feng shui that, could you, really? She could have moved the coats round. No. Also, the coats.

Yeah. There was coats hanging. No. Also, the coats. Yeah. Do the... There was coats hanging in there. In the picture. They go, do they, if you hire the room? I don't know whether they come with the room. Do the hooks become yours? That's for more clothes.

Where do you put your clothes? I didn't like the idea of you being asleep and then the other housemates just opening your bedroom door to put their coat up when they get back. No, I think you must get the hook, so you sleep under your own clothes. Imagine that as your negotiating starting point. Do I get the hooks? Yeah.

Does it come with the hooks or not with the hooks? I know I'd get obsessed with hanging my clothes in such a way that it's a straight line at the bottom. Yes. You know what I mean? I'd have pants at one end and overcoat at the other. Because it must have been buying a pair of plus fours just to fill that awkward gap.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Zoe Lyons. Text the show on 8-12-15. Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Tra-la-la- Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Do you owe people money for that now? Last week we were talking about happy birthdays. I think that one, it's quite old, isn't it? Is it in the public domain, that? Well, we'll see if I can find out. I don't mind giving them a few quid.

I'll pay them when they come to the house, sing it at Christmas. Yeah, yeah. It's about that time of the year, though, isn't it, where they start? I walked past a very well-known department store not far from here the other day, and there were Christmas trees in the top window. Yes. I love it. Do you?

Yeah. When people say that thing about, oh, I can't believe they've got stuff in Tesco's in October. Have you ever, has anyone ever gone back to work and they've said, do you have a nice Christmas? Well, to be honest, it was ruined by the fact there was Christmas trees in Tesco in October. No one's ever said that.

It's fine. It's a special time of the year. Let's make it as long as possible. Next. Positive thinker you, aren't you? Oh, mate. I did look at the £500 a month for the cupboard under the stairs and they advertised the flat as furnished.

The room is furnished. Perhaps it does leave the coats. So I think the coat hooks are there for the taking. The hooks. Part of the deal. Perhaps you get the coats? No, I don't think the coats. So I think the coat hooks are there for the taking. The hooks. Part of the deal. Perhaps you get the coats? No, I don't think the coats are furniture. I think coats are miscellaneous items.

That's interesting. There's probably an inventory. Unless the rest of the coat is drapes. Yeah. If coats are on hooks, do they qualify as furniture? Fixtures and fittings. Is this a philosophy question? Yes, it is.

Of course, Ron Hooks. I like the fact that you're so keen on the hooks, obviously, as a member of the S&M community, you're keen to know what you can use and what not. I've been to put them about inch and a half above my nipples and just hang there all night like a man called Horse. I don't know if you remember that fabulous film. Maybe it didn't get into the mainstream.

Yeah, I... I got to tell you, I would happily live in a cupboard under the stairs. Would you? Yeah, I've always... I've fantasised about living in tiny, tiny minimum space. If ever you see those really tiny things at the end of a block,

I always think, oh, I'd love to live. Oh, yeah. I spent the night in a very small lighthouse once. My girlfriend had a sort of agri... What is it? Claustrophobic fit. Oh, yeah. But I loved it.

I loved the snugness. Right. I lived in a bedsit in Birmingham, and one day I lay lay on the floor sort of starfish like vitruvian man you know like a starfish and i could reach everything i owned that's handy then isn't it yeah i mean it makes housework a lot easier if you can just if you can if you can hoover your entire place using one plug i think that's all you need well i didn't have a bed there.

I had a mattress on the floor. I started off with a bed frame that broke and I replaced one leg with a tin of baked beans. Brilliant. And then one night I just had to have the tin of baked beans, so I ate the leg of my bed. And then I chopped the frame out and just slept on the mattress on the floor.

And it became a point where on two sides it was completely joined to the wall by cobwebs. That's nice. No, you couldn't see the floor. It was like I had a webbed section. Did that not bother you as you were going off to sleep? You think, oh, all those spiders are going to come out and just crawl across.

I don't mind at night. Don't mind that at night. Have you ever stayed in one of those hotels that are like a pod? I never have, no, but I'd love that. I quite like that, I think. I like the idea. I also, I like the fact that the cupboard under the stairs is a right-angle triangle-shaped room.

I know, I'd probably buy a protractor just to comfort myself, you know, with the eternal truths of mathematics just before I went to sleep. You think it'd feel a bit like you were asleep in a massive doorstop? But the only thing you could do for entertainment... Wedge-end. comfort myself, you know, with the eternal truths of mathematics just before I went to sleep. You think it'd feel a bit like you were asleep in a massive doorstop? But the only thing you could do for entertainment... Wedge and... Hard to hang a telly anywhere in a room like that, isn't it? Who needs a telly?

So you would have to entertain yourself with the... Who needs a telly? Says TV star Frank Skinner. Yeah, I'd have a mural in there. You could have the ascent of man with man on all fours in the pointy corner at Lowby and then coming into Homo erectus. So be honest, if I slept in a room under the stairs, there would be a ascent of man. That's excellent.

Thanks very much. Can I say though, by way of texting, that I once went into a bed seat in Birmingham, which I lived in, and on the wall someone had painted in very thick paint the cover picture of, yes, his Tales from a Topographic Ocean. Oh, yes.

I don't know if you remember that. I know that one. They'd reproduced it quite badly on the wall. And I'd like to know, if anyone's listening, who has inherited any sort of war art or something in their home, like my bathroom, I'll tell you about maybe just a little later. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8 a.m. on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Sorry, I just had a big sort of doc holiday type coughing fit. He had consumption, to be fair.

Right. And you don't? I don't know. Do people still get consumption? I don't know. I think it's like saying paper shop, isn't it? Consumption. It's probably called something else by now.

It's TB, isn't it? Could be. But I don't think TB's called TB anymore. TB or not TB. TB anymore. That is the... Anyway, what I was saying about inheriting things is in the

last house I lived in I had the entire you know when you move and you think I'll be here forever and I had the entire bathroom in navy blue tiles and white tiles I recreated a blue and white

striped bathroom and then I commissioned an enormous tile with the West Bromwich Albion crest on for the centrepiece in the bathroom. And then I left after about, like, a couple of years. And the person who took over, I think it was from Portugal or something, I don't know what... I wonder if it...

I'd love to know if it's still there. People go around and say, what's the thrush? What is this thrush badge? And he has to explain it, if he even knows what it is. You didn't feel tempted to remove tile and replace with miscellaneous tile? You can't take tile. One tile. Didn't he start the peasants' revolt?

One tile. One tile. That was what, Tyler? Sorry. Very good. Yeah, so I would like to know if anyone's inherited. I looked at a house once. There's a place in London called Little Venice.

Oh, yeah. And it had a swimming pool, this house. I thought this could be... I couldn't swim at the time. I thought this could change my life, this house. And they had an enormous mural. I mean, a massive... It looked like a fabulous Greco-Roman mural,

except it was Mickey Mouse's face. It was about ten foot across. What, around the swimming pool? Above the swimming pool. So you're always swimming under the mouse. Yeah. Swimming under the Mickey. You should really be.

That's out. Yeah, I've heard he's swimming under the mickey That's out Yeah I've heard he's Swimming under the mickey Yeah So I'd like to know what anyone's Inherited A swinging chair I looked at a place in Birmingham

And it had like a sphere That you sat in You know that used to get on the prisoner Oh yes Suspended from the ceiling Not a love swing sphere that you sat in, you know, that used to get on the prisoner. Oh, yes. And suspended from the ceiling. Not a love swing. No. No. Well. Lost, maybe. It'd have to be a good shot. Was it in the basement?

And you have to make it you swing from it and sit in the sphere with your legs crossed. And he said, we're leaving that. It was a bit of a lure. I had a horrible feeling. I'd be in it one night swinging wildly,

and then it'd go like a Newton's cradle. I wouldn't be able to stop. I'd be trapped there forever with motion sickness, vomit spraying in an arc, a regular arc across the room, me terrified. Oh, no. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So, Zoe's not the only person who's had slightly tough gigs this week.

Katy Perry ended up with a fan on stage. KP? KP, yeah. Oh, yeah? Not Kevin Peterson. No. Katy Perry ended up with a fan on stage. KP? KP, yeah. Oh, yeah? Not Kevin Peterson. No. Katy Perry ended up with a fan up on stage and she started hugging and kissing her

and had to be sort of put back into the audience. She was a bit drunk, I think, or maybe other. Katy Perry described her as rolling. She said, I think she's rolling. Which, um, you know. That rock slang for I think so. Yeah, it means something other. I think it means, yeah, on a certain drug. I don't like the idea that

Katy Perry essentially a children's entertainer. It's familiar with, um, drug parlance. Well, if you see the footage, the woman did come up on stage was wearing a bra top where the two baskets,

shall we say, Red Soe Baskets. Breast Baskets. Bread Baskets. Bread Baskets. Were acid house faces. Acid. So that might have been a giveaway.

Yes. Let's call them Smiley Faces. Smiley Faces. She might have been a fan of Alan Moore. Yes. Or maybe it was just in homage to the moon. Yeah, maybe. Both moons.

Both moons. Yeah. It's a good job she didn't hop for the old Crescent. Yes. That would have been a good job she didn't hop for the old, the crescent. Yes. That would have been a bit... Revealing. Or the toenail moon, as I like to call it. That time the moon looks just like a toenail.

Yeah, I've never thought of it like that. I think where KP went wrong, though, is inviting somebody up on stage, don't you? Yeah, never. No, that's an error, unless you're conducting a quiz. No, yeah. You love a quiz. As a comedian comedian if you're ever in a gig and the compere goes come on up then you just think well that's it

that is the gig lost as soon as audience is on that stage it is their show Katy Perry's got she's an attractive woman don't get me wrong but she's got a bit of the person in the moon about her you can imagine person in the moon about her. You can imagine dressing up the moon to look like a convincing Katy Perry.

Don't you think? I'm not sure. She's got a circularity of face. A slight circularity of face. A slightly bulbous nose. Well, well... Now you've gone too far. I mean, listen, if we're talking about noses, I've got a, I've got a cracker. I've got a massive nose, so I feel like.

Wouldn't say that. It's pretty big. It's pretty big. I can't hear it. Well, it balances out because mine's tiny, so we've probably, between us, got two normal sized. Enough nose. There's enough nose in the room.

So if you two, um, conduct this show like, like the ABBA girls, back to back. Yeah. You look like a claw hammer. Yeah. Pickax to back. Yeah. You look like a claw hammer. Yeah. Pickaxe profile. Yeah. I got up once, I was watching Blackfoot Sioux

at Birmingham Town Hall. Is that Bigfoot? Remember her? Blackfoot Sioux were a band. They had one enormous hit called Standing in the Road and then I didn't hear from them again but anyway is that a road safety song?

yeah so I went they were supporting the Kinks I think at the Town Hall and so they came on I said they had a hit out I was quite excited so you know you used to get that run to the front of the stage. So I was in the front row,

so I got up and ran to the front of the stage. No-one at all came with me. So I ended up just sort of with my elbows on the stage, watching them on my own, feeling... I did a bit of dancing at first and then felt too self-conscious. And in the end, a security bloke just walked across and said, do you want to sit down, mate? I said, yeah.

I will. And I was so glad he'd come over because it gave me a legitimate reason to sit. Oh, God. I got squished at the front of a Pogues concert once and had to be dragged out. But at least you were other people had gone up. Yeah. I remember being really embarrassed because I was wearing a really awful acrylic yellow jumper. I remember thinking this

wouldn't... With the smiley face on? Not with the smiley face, yeah. It was just inappropriate Pogue wear. You're quite right, that is not very Pogue-y. It's not very Pogue-y. Unless it was you'd gone as one of Shane's teeth. Yeah. His last tooth.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Shall we... Oh, do you know what I was going to say? On the Katy Perry front. I went to see at the NEC in Birmingham many years ago Diana Ross. Oh, yeah.

And she at one point, stepped off the stage, bravely. She had a single red rose. I can't remember where she got it from now. I think she said, you remember she played Billie Holiday, I think she did the song Holding a Rose or something.

And she stepped and there was a woman in a wheelchair. Right. And she stepped and there was a woman in a wheelchair. Right. And Diana Ross went over to her and gave it to the woman in the wheelchair and it got an enormous burst of applause because it suggested that Diana Ross, you know, cared for the disabled and stuff like that and she was a good person and so we were able to express our love and admiration for her soul

as much as anything else. And then when I was leaving the NEC after, we stayed for a drink and stuff, they were loading up the trucks, and I saw a wheelchair being loaded onto the truck. Oh, no. Now, that could have been any reason for that. Maybe, you know, Diana liked to get completely smashed.

reason for that maybe you know Diana like to get completely smashed but I did wonder if she toured with the wheelchair you know some got one someone in her entourage sat yeah and it was that she did that moment every gig I mean in that course nowadays I'd know from your your social networks. Yeah, yeah. But if anyone saw Diana Ross not at the NEC in the 70s and she did that, please let us know. One of the more specific text-ins we've ever read. And I don't know how many Rossy fans we get, Diana Ross, but she was also someone who did the hits in medley form because she was bored with doing them.

Oh, right. Just run them all together? Yeah. Just run them through? Yeah, I felt a bit cheated. Had a remix. By the... But, yeah, I mean, it's a little bit cynical

if she had someone playing a wheelchair. Why else would they be loading a wheelchair? Well, like I say, maybe they'd just pick one up on the... Maybe she healed people. And the woman didn't need any. She gave the woman the rose and she walked out. She disco-danced out of there. Yeah, maybe it's another woman another night

got up and touched the hem of Diana Ross's garment and was queuing and said, you know what, you can keep that. Put it on eBay or something. Diana Ross said, there's no such thing as eBay. I don't have an internet at the moment. She said, well, hold on to it. And then she went.

Halfway down the road, flat on her face, you know what? I wish now, looking back, I'd have kept that. What can you do? I'm not going to phone Diana Ross and ask for it back. She'll be gone. She'll be long gone. She'll be ex-director as well, so it makes no sense.

Just the ex-director. I forgot that existed. Brilliant. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Oh, by the way, we've got a text from Nathan. Hi, Frank and team. I live in Kirrimur in Scotland. We are twinned with Volvic in France and our local cobbler sells Airfix models.

They also do photocopies. Do they? Airfix models? I forgot that. How much do you pay for a photocopy as well these days? How much do you pay for an Airfix model? It used to be ten pence for a photocopy, didn't it? Did it? I did a Viking once Airfix model.

It must have been about 14 inches high. He used to get the paint and everything. So I did him and overnight I hadn't put enough stuff on the soles of his sandals. Right. And he was leaning right back, the Viking, like he was about to gob. The longest gob he could do.

It was like that. And you couldn't really put him back without breaking him, so I just painted him. Leaning back? I had this leaning Viking on my... Is that how they finally fell, the Vikings? Oh, it's how they fell. Fell out of their own sandals.

Yeah, they just... Made them a pritt stick. Like he had a mate on the top of a building calling to him. And he was looking up. But, of course, buildings weren't that high then. True, true. So it didn't work. Anyway, any other...

Anything else from the outside world? Yeah, I could tell you an email that we've received. Hi all, you were talking about fly tipping recently. I was a bit worried so far. We were talking about fly tipping because you've been the victim of some fly tipping, haven't you? Yes, yes. What's happened? I had a vacuum cleaner appear and then a wooden chair.

No, that's what happens. See, that's what happens with fly tipping. Once the seal's been broken... Yeah. With the old fly tipping, then it's just... Anything goes. People think, yeah. It goes vacuum cleaner, chair, mattress.

And mattress. And then, of course, if you let... Not looking forward to that. If you let the mattress go, if you leave that for over a few days, bang, sofa. Frank doesn't do that, though, because he just puts the mattress under his stairs and then rents it out for £500 a month. He's got that covered.

I might be glad of that little cupboard under the stairs. You know, post-argument. Anyway, you were talking about fly-tipping. Last year we moved house and had a dilemma regarding how to get rid of our piano. First world problems. We tried selling it and giving it away, but no one wanted it.

Reluctantly, we decided to dump it. We phoned the council and they said to us, oh, you should leave it outside your house and we'll take it away in the morning. Aside, they didn't say, oh, but I thought that was the form on your show. Yes, they turn around and they say, oh. So with help from... That's a bit sad, isn't it? Just to interrupt that nobody wanted a free piano. Yeah.

You offer them Alco-Pops, that's your handle. They'll take your arm off on a piano. That's the modern world. It's almost as though there's a difference in how mobile those two items are, isn't it? No, but it's about priorities. If anyone says to you what's gone wrong with the world, tell them that story.

You can't get rid of a free piano. No to piano, yes to Alcopop. With help from a friend, we manhandled it outside and left it in front of the house. About half an hour later, we heard Fur Elise, is that the name? I don't know how you would say that. Being played outside.

Beethoven? Is it? It's the one that goes... I think you might owe some money to the Beethoven estate now. Could have been a mobile ringtone. It's all right, he won't hear it. Yeah, true enough. We found two young lads there having a play.

They didn't speak much English. We take it, one ass pointing, slightly redundantly at the piano. We told them to ask their parents. We did, we did. It's okay. Okay, then bring your mum or dad along and you can have it. Ten minutes later, their dad arrived with a decent sized car and off they went with it. Gone within an

hour. As Frank would say, marvellous. Yeah. Best, Alan. But you notice they were from overseas. More cultured. A. Best, Alan. But you notice they were from overseas. Yeah. More cultured. A more cultured view. The fur release is always a bit,

almost takes me, it's a bit like a sort of an on the toilet tune. I don't want to end the show on a low note, but it always sounds like it's going, dun-d, that's where Beethoven wrote it. On the bog. Yes. Okay, anyway, thank you so much, Zoe, for joining us. Thanks for having me.

It was fun. This morning. Happy birthday again. Thank you, my love. Thank you, my love. And thank you all for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.