The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Lemon Float

Episode Date: May 25, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been an eco warrior on Sky News and Buzz has a new best friend. The team also discuss Madonna's Eurovision performance nightmare and film montages.

Comedy legend Frank Skinner is back on stage with his first stand-up show in four years. I think a man of my age saying my girlfriend is sort of on a level with a man of my age saying my skateboard. Live in London this June, at the Edinburgh Festival in August, and touring across the country this autumn. It's what I would call an Elton John joke. It's a little bit funny. Book tickets now at frankskinnerlive.com This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran, who are my friends. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I say they are my friends, but we all know deep down... HE LAUGHS

I admit it! Honestly thought you were just going to say colleagues. I was thinking harsh. I think we should change just going to say colleagues. I was thinking harsh. I think we should change that song to he's extremely comfortable with solitude because he's actually quite well adjusted. Is there a song that has that, though? I don't know, but there should be, Frank.

I think this is a song for people who generally like a crowd. Come on, get those flowers in your hands. The public PE lessons. The missiles on trucks. Let's celebrate. Yes, anyway, so... Oh, I arrived at the studios today in Golden Square, London. And the first thing I noted was in one of the newspapers,

there was an interview with Poch Chino. Oh, yes. Love a bit of poch. The manager of Tottenham Hotspur. In many ways, the current custodian of the whole black chicken ethos. Yes. We should say, Frank, that's what your son Buzz calls it. That's what my son described the badge as.

So, Potch, as he's generally known, revealed in this morning's, was it, I think it was the Mirror, it could have been the Sun, it's a very fine line. A lot of overlapping content. Oh, a great deal of overlapping content. I mean, I heart news, but it's difficult to know which news I'm reading. I heart news, but I don't heart that point in the middle of one of those papers when suddenly it's adverse for holidays and you can go to Las Vegas with Michael Greco. How did that happen? Get me on that black.

Anyway, the interview with Potch says that he always keeps lemons, a bowl of lemons in his office. Does he? keeps lemons, a bowl of lemons in his office because he feels that negative energy goes into lemons. Oh, a scientist, I hear. And he said so. All the sourness. Let's say,

for example, that Wan-Yama comes in asking why he's not in the first team enough. Such will be the level of negativity in the air in that, that he'll look across at the lemons post-debate, and they will have become slightly grizzled by antagonistic conversation. Does he witness this happening, then?

Well, I don't think he... The grizzling of the lemons? I don't want to put words in Potty's mouth. Frank, is the grizzling of the lemons the follow up to Silence of the Lambs? I hope so. The grizzling of the lemons is chapter 7 in my book on ageing for the male

body. But anyway, it's an interesting thing and I like the fact that he's spoken about it. He speaks a lot about the energy that we all need to embrace. Oh. And I don't know if anyone has read... He's been working with Noel Edmonds a lot. What he hasn't been working with is someone who knows

the history of Glenn Hoddle's management career. But anyway, can I say, at this point, what about if we get some melons generally for the studio, just in case there are any... Some lemons. In case any neg comes in. I'm a huge lemon fan. I don't know if you're aware of this.

Are you? Oh, I used to eat them. I mean, I would sometimes... You used to eat lemons? No, for a rhyme. You know, she was hypnotised. I only used them for negative absorption myself. Do you eat a whole lemon, though, Frank?

I would. Oh, what? Do you eat a whole lemon? No, not like a peach. But I would cut it in half. OK, let's say... Once you cut it in half, I'm like... I have never cut a lemon in half

without taking the end that's got the nodule on it, holding it against my neck neck and saying to someone, will you burst this for me? I have never been able to resist that prop joke. But you will sit and eat a lemon. I would cut it in half. For example, if I was having... My mouth's watering. Is that normal?

Yes, it is. That's very normal, but I'll do a button-up. But, what if it is Frank? I thought you were just naturally disapproved. Turns out. Frank, I love a lemon. I love a lemon. Well, I've...

No, I didn't see that coming. No. If you had a Coca-Cola drink, and you had ice and a lemon, would you eat the whole lemon afterwards? The piece of lemon it is? Well, I wouldn't have it with a whole lemon in it. No, but would you eat... What and a lemon would you eat the whole lemon afterwards? The piece of lemon in it? Well I wouldn't have it with a whole lemon in it. What a lemon

float. Would you pop Quite a rustic bar Would you pop the medieval bar? Would you pop that piece of lemon into your mouth afterwards? Oh yeah I'd eat a little slice but you're talking about taking on the whole fruit I mean, god that'd have to be a very negative. That would have to be

divorce settlement discussions. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, we were talking about Mauricio Pochettino's lemon... We were just adhering to the dictum, when life gives you lemons.

Thank you. I don't know that saying. When it gets bad, like... Do you seriously not know that, when life gives you lemons. Thank you. I don't know that saying. It's when life gives you lemons. When it gets bad, like. Do you seriously not know that? When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Are you serious? Oh, I didn't know that. I mean, the Gen Zers are looking astonished.

Honestly, did you not know that? I'm sorry. I've always been a big fan of, what about these apples? How do you like them apples? I believe the run-up. I think it's them apples, isn't it? Yes, I believe the run-up is, do you like apples? How do you like them apples? I believe the run up I think it's them apples isn't it?

Yes I believe the run up is do you like apples do you like apples how do you like them apples? Oh I've never heard the run up

bit before. How do you not know the run up? It's nice today we're getting all the chapters of stuff that we don't think so.

I'll tell you what I don't like a ramp adage. I like ones that just hit the ground running. I don't want to lead up to an adage How do you like them apples?

That's what the thing is How do you like these apples or them apples depending on where you were raised Them is better isn't it For some reason it sort of works in a Yes and no It's more provocative because of its it deliberately spits in the face of

accepted norms and grammatical structures. Although I would like to point out what worries me a bit is I fear it belongs in the same Venn diagram. What's it called, Al, the circle in the Venn diagram? Is it just the circle? Yeah, let's call it that. It belongs in the similar circle to ain't. The use of them in that sense.

I'm anti-ain't. And I ain't having that. But I don't mind. I like them apples. It's got a nice in the middle. Someone's texted in, Simon King, I'm sorry, has tweeted a picture of some lemons. I've sat and eaten

a lemon in the evening many a time. Really? See, thank you Simon. Simon, call me. Is he a hostage? See, thank you, Simon. Simon, now call me. Is he a hostage? Love it. Yeah, I want to tweet with a picture of the rest of his property. I want to see what kind of character sits and eats a lemon of an evening. Hi.

He says, love it! Exclamation mark. I love love it after a lemon. Yeah. I'll also have one for the vitamin C boost when I have a cold. Good. I can kind of have honey and lemon, but to eat a lemon. Yeah. I'll also have one for the vitamin C boost when I have a cold. I can kind of have honey and lemon, but to eat a lemon... It's lovely.

It's a bit like that thing when stage hypnotists used to get people to eat an onion, telling them it was a lovely, juicy apple. Yeah. What idiot would believe that? Well, such is the power of um completely made up can i i have i feel now in the life of yin and yang only recently did i realize that there was

no g on the end of yin by the way i thought it was ying and yang so did i yeah but it's yin, by the way. I thought it was ying and yang. So did I. Yeah, but it's yin and yang. It's like a lot of people say Klu Klux Klan. But it's Ku. False. I mean, that's a slightly more serious mistake.

It is if you're writing to them. Let's hope we don't have anyone that's about to send a fan letter off but yeah anyway so or a letter of complaint we could have both

yeah a letter of complaint to the Ku Klux Klan that would be an interesting thing I really think you've gone too far

anyway yes it's Yin and Yang do you know I didn't know that I've all said Yin and Yang yeah so have I Anyway, yes, it's yin and yang. Do you know I didn't know that? I've always said yin and yang. Yeah, so have I. We've made fools of ourselves.

Yeah, but think of all the people I've educated this morning have been saying, like me, yin, fellow yingers. Oh, yingers. And now we've all been corrected. I was in that camp, talking of camps. It's the intersection of two circles in a Venn diagram where something is in both camps, it says 457.

Yes. More eloquent way of saying the overlapping bit, which is what I said. And also, ironically, the least camp text. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were talking about yin and yang in the context of Maurizio Pochettino,

the top of the Motspur manager. And the reason I brought up yin and yang is that some might think that, some might be unsure of him now that he talks about lemons soaking up negativity in the atmosphere. I find it an interesting thing that I'm going to experiment with. I find it interesting, but I can totally understand somebody thinking that he's perhaps not as intellectually rigorous

as they're used to thinking he was. You see, you're no nonsense. Yeah. And I think there's room for a bit of nonsense in the human soul. And let me tell you something that might warm you too, Pots. Yeah. I was in hospitality at the Tottenham Stadium. I thought that was your funny comedy name for hospital.

Hospitality. The last game of the season, there was no clash with West Bromwich Albion I've no guilt about it and we were in their post-match and we were talking to a couple of Tottenham legends Cliff Jones and Steve Perryman and Boz was very excited to get their autographs and all that

this is my son Boz who's a Tottenham fan and then I was talking to them to get their autographs and all that. This is my son, Buzz, who's a Tottenham fan. And then I was talking to them and I looked and Buzz had disappeared. And you know that moment when you can't see where your child is, that clenched stomach. Where's he gone? And I looked across the room and he was in full conversation with Pochettino. And I thought, oh no, because he's come up here post-match.

He's obviously come up to relax. He doesn't want to be. So I thought, well, if he's sort of off with Boz, that will be so heartbreaking. So I went across, scurried across quickly to rescue him. I could hear Boz just finish saying, I think you're probably the greatest manager of all time.

At which point... What did Potch do? Potch held his face between his hands and kissed him on the top of the head in a really lovely way. I'm actually going to cry. And Boss asked him for an autograph. And I said, look, I'm sorry about this. And he goes, no, it's fine, fine.

And he signed the autograph. And he wrote, this is what he wrote he wrote to Boz he asked him what his name was he says to Boz and then he wrote in block capitals and he's Argentinian, so you know he wrote in block capitals my best friend is you

Excellent My best friend is you I wrote. My best friend is you. I've got that on a T-shirt. That's lovely. This is extraordinary. I mean, how can you compete with this on the present front? And that's because all the negativity has been taken out of the pot by adjacent lemons.

Well, my recycling bin's going to be full of lemons in the future weeks, isn't it? Can I tell you one tiny sentimental postscript to that? When I went to give Boz his goodnight kiss that night, he was fast asleep and just sticking out from underneath his pillow, I could see the signed programme with Potty's signature. Do you know, I find that so lovely. I love having a bit of footballers memorabilia in the bedroom. Well, just to squeeze a little.

It's something I feel very, just makes me happy. It wouldn't be the first time, obviously, but it's lovely. But lovely. Onto the pillow, on the pillow. Yeah. But just to sprinkle a little bit of lemon juice on this super sweet thing as we were leaving

the Tottenham hospitality I heard a voice say well he didn't ask me for an autograph and I turned around and it was Lord Sugar sugar and lemon honestly it's like having a big pancake this anecdote

Shrove Spurs so he then came over Sugar and lemon, honestly, it's like having a big pancake, this anecdote. Shrove Spurs. So he then came over and signed the thing. We went down in the lift with Lord Sugar. Now, how did he do this? Have you ever tried calling anyone in a lift? Reception is impossible in a lift. Yeah, it doesn't happen.

I imagine, Frankie, he had some huge 1992 sort of car phone, like Dom Jolly phone. No, but when we got to the bottom of the lift, we're in the car park, the door opens, and there is AMS1, he's Bentley. He's Roller, Bentley. With the blokes, the chauffeur standing with the back door held open. Now, either he's been standing there for an hour with it held open, or there's some signal

that says I'm coming down, get the door open. Excellent. Yeah. What I like is Buzz is the only autograph hunter I know where celebrities fight over him asking for the autograph. What about if Lord Sugar had kissed him on the head? I wonder what would have

happened then? It would have happened then. It would have been a bit like the old lemons during the Wanyama conversation. Buzz would have shriveled to a tiny gremlin figure. Oh, what larks, Mr Pip. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I was just showing off my patch picks I'll show you some of my football, Anna Quite a lot of lemon

correspondence there, I think you've stirred up Frank Skinner 774 has said, loving the lemon chat, I'm a full paid up lemon fan as the many Facebook posts read the sightings of a random lemon appearing on a roundabout in working will confirm. Oh.

I don't know if that means growing or being discarded. Are they confessing to be the phantom lemon lever? Oh, maybe. If I was technically not. I'm talking specifically about lemons. Similar to the Northampton Clown. Yeah, exactly. They continue, if I was technical enough,

I'd put a link or whatever, but I can't. It's the idea that someone, it's like a mystery thing, that someone leaves a lemon in an odd place. Yes, I imagine so, yeah. I think so. Yeah. Okay. Trish has also texted, I hate sugar, so I too love eating lemons and onions, lush.

Trish. Wow. Trish, you... Really. You had me at lemons. What about the first kiss when you meet Trish in her single days and she's been polishing off the onions and lemon? Can I say, Trish, you had me at lemons, you lost me at onions.

Well, we're all different, that's the great joy of it. And 107, this I like because there's a glimpse behind the curtain contained in this. Oh, yeah. Frank, the hypnotist trick is expedited by the larger the onion, then it has less taste. Try it. Oh. Robin Westcliffe.

That's why they never do it with a scallion. And in that one... Never seen a stage hypnotist use a scallion to this day. I'm concerned that by reading that out, we've all been thrown out of the magic circle for giving away the secrets. I'm worried that we might have been thrown into it. They've never let me back in.

I don't. I'm allergic to aftershave. I can't be in the magic circle. Well, I'm allergic to polyester waistcoats. Well, then we have no hope. So I'll never be, yeah. Sorry. We've also had a complaint.

What? An indirect complaint. I've had a few complaints in my time. Walt 667 has a neighbour listening to us very loudly. Oh, OK. Please, can you ask the man? I'm not going to give the address. It's in Chatburn.

No, it'd be wrong to give the address, wouldn't it? They would like it turned down. There's no offence to us, but this person listens to us every weekend. Hello, man, we like you. He doesn't respond to knocks on the door. He listens to us so loudly, he can't hear the door knocking. Can I ask you a question?

Are there about 12 bottles of milk on these front doorsteps? I think this might be, I don't know if you've ever done that thing of using your shoulder to knock a door down. I don't know if it can, but I think Alan Cochran is available for hire. I'm worried, Frank, that he was the man who

they were basing our rage arts on. Turns out he's no longer with us. I see what it reminds me of. Do they still do this when someone phones the radio and the DJ starts saying in a slightly panicked way, have you got your radio on?

Have you got your radio on? They do still do that. I love it. You wouldn't think in 2019 that'd still be a big technical nightmare. Oh, you phoned us whilst having your radio on. Oh, man, I love it.

I don't want to go into the next bit now because as soon as I press the button, the producer's going to explain to me why you have to switch your radio on. It's the most tedious thing that's ever happened to me. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. What's the food like at Spurs?

Do they feed you well? Oh, yeah. You know, they're boom times for them. Do you know what? That's what I said. This is a great moment for you. I'm going to let you have it. Okay.

Yeah, but my own team, it's gone the other way. Put the sad music on, everyone. The Gap? Okay, maybe I'll... Let me put on some... Meanwhile, over at the Albion. Meanwhile, over at the Albion. That's not what's happening. It's too upbeat. I'll think of something else, don't worry.

Loneliest man in the world might be apt. That's like a training montage. Oh, I love a montage. I love any kind of montage in a film or TV where something that's long and arduous happens in a series of brief scenarios. Anything. Like building a house, getting fear. Oh, excuse me, I've got one.

Go on. The makeover that the friend gives in preparation for the new life or the new start or the new man. Yeah, just what I was thinking. There's always someone sort of shaking. There'll be a woman holding a dress up against herself in a changing room on a hanger, and the friend will be shaking her head,

and then she'll hold another dress up, and the friend will clap her hands and put her thumb up. That's it. Okay. But sometimes people get degrees and everything in the space of a 30 second montage. Yeah, you do feel like... So you see them sitting up at night with the

spectacles on their dumb feet or anywhere else in the film, making notes on a book with just an angle poised on like they don't want to put the main light on in the room. Is the thing you like about this that you feel like the story's got a real momentum during that montage? Like, oh, we're

cracking through this. For a second I believe that it is easier than you might think to achieve enormous things in life. It's like the plus ten or plus twenty when you're speeding through your iPlayer.

Do you know what I mean? I love doing that. Plus 20 seconds, yeah, I'm doing it. But come on, I mean, when he finally bounds up those steps in Philadelphia, having got fit, Rocky, that is a brilliant moment. Oh, yeah. And I am, like many people, have stood in those two brass footplates

at the top of those steps now, so you can stand exactly where Rocky stood. Oh, that's lovely. I briefly thought you were talking about the movie Philadelphia. So did I. Which I don't think contains any montage scenes. No. Let's stop lifting at the end.

No, that's a sad piece. Frank, another thing, because I'm exactly like you in terms of I love the speedy life change, if you know what I mean. Yes, totally. Wish mine would hurry up. Come on, yours has. Celebrated author. Is she on Kindle now?

Well, I'm glad you asked that, Frank, because 361 has texted, Morning, listening as usual on Saturday morning. Thought I should check out Emily's book. You should. Question, why is it not on Kindle? Bernie Enfield. It is on Kindle. It is on Kindle, Bernie. it not on Kindle? Bernie Enfield. It is on Kindle. It is on

Kindle, Bernie. I'm sure that's actually Bernie Enfield. It'd be a warm-up comic. Also, Al wasn't calling it Kindle Bernie. That's not his little name for Kindle. It's got to be on. Surely it's on Kindle. It's definitely on there.

Emily says so. It's on Kindle, I promise. I bet if you're looking up, it's got more stars than the firmament. Can I also say, in one of those montages that I enjoy, is when they want to speed up the meeting process and settling down, there's always a woman painting a wall in a man's shirt with a pregnancy bump under a big man's shirt with a pregnancy bump under a big man's shirt. Oh, lovely.

Maybe a bit of paint goes on her nose and he might sort of kiss it off. Yeah, it's often something then he does a lead poisoning. And then he does a lead poisoning.

He gets a real taste for it. Do you remember that Simon Bates thing? Yeah. That summer, Jennifer had her colon removed. It was always like, oh, it's going so well

for Jennifer and Martin. Oh, watch out for that bit, Simon. Well, I'm sorry about that bit. Yeah, get off me. Creepy. I wouldn't tell the creepy man my private stories. Well, no, don't tell him?

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We've had some outside world correspondence, Al, haven't we? We have. We had one regarding the film montage. Montage? What does that say? Montage.

You were talking, Frank, about the make-up. Well, you were talking about the sort of life beats. It's the sort of accelerated improvement montage. Let's call it the aim, because that's your aim. Lovely, Frank. Oh, you'd be a great life coach. In some areas. Take 4-8.

I hate, strong word but strong feelings, a film montage. Oh, no. But not quite as much as a tracking shot on an old-fashioned map with a red dotted line showing an epic journey, smacks of low budgets and a lack of imagination. Well, you say that, but it's so helpful and clear for me, the map thing. You like the map.

I do. Ben continues, having said that, I don't want every toilet break and hours of searching for the sucky sweets in the glove box. Much love, Ben. And I think that's true. You need to condense these journeys, the boring parts of people's lives.

Where do we stand on maps in fiction books? Oh, no, I never look at them. Yeah, I just flick straight through those. And that's somewhere where Kindle falls flat on its face. Any sort of illustration, I think, ooh, now I don't like this. This is like early days of the internet when it was still in Tim Berners-Lee's shed.

Kind of an illustration. Some people buy illustrated books on Kindle. I'll tell you what I think about maps, is that I feel, I'm talking fiction here, is that I think, I'm finding fiction here, is that I think, I'm finding it hard to suspend my disbelief because I can imagine these characters

that you've created, but don't start drawing maps, love, because I won't believe that the people live there. No, no, I don't like any of that. Also, I don't think I've seen a map in the last 40 years when I haven't imagined Union Jack pointy things

sticking their tongues out at Nazis on the other side of the channel from the opening titles of Dan's Army we're all different let's celebrate that this morning on absolute, it's not going into a link, I accidentally went into a link that's like when I saw

Bob Hope live when he was 91 and having mental trouble when he they were singing elegantly put they were singing singing don't sit under the apple tree

with anyone else but me and it ends till I come marching home which he did about half way through the second verse while the entire orchestra

looked alarmed and frightened. Poor Bob. But as I said to David Baddiel at the time, at 40 quid a ticket, I think we can still laugh. Yeah. 207 has sent us a message. You mentioned huge trucks with rockets on them when you played a clip of the Russian anthem.

I was thinking May Day. You did. Have you ever noticed the trucks have a tiny fire extinguisher on the front bumper? No. What's the point of that exactly? A missile capable of wiping out most of America

and they've got a fire extinguisher not much bigger than a thermos flask to put it out. Wow. Good obs, 207. I'm going to check that out now. As you can imagine, I have a large gallery of Soviet maydays.

That's one of the fables, isn't it? I've added North Korea now. North Korea have a thing at the end of theirs where small children drive pedal cars with facsimile missiles on them. They really do. Beautiful. They should have that with an enormous fire extinguisher on them.

Those throwing everything into strange relief. That's a great spot, though. I'm going to check it out. I'm going to check it out. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Okie-dokie. Things have gone a bit topsy-turvy in this studio because you've both got the wrong cups.

Talk about hot drink it. I don't like it. You know that there's a thing, though, that you have your own cup that you go to the coffee shop with so that you're not imposing lots

of waste and plastic and all that on the planet environmental emergency can I say Al can I tell you what completely

changed my opinion about all this is listening to Frank Skinner yes you heard me interview Al Gore which you can still listen to on Absolute Radio and it's absolutely brilliant listening to Frank Skinner, yes, you heard me, interview Al Gore, which you can still listen to on Absolute Radio,

and it's absolutely brilliant. Well, thank you very much. And on that topic, so what we should say is I've got a Doctor Who one. Yes. And Alan... Who copy means. Yeah. And Alan has got one with a cockerel on

because he's known as the cockerel. And today, in a terrible mix-up at the coffee shop, I've ended up sopping from the cockerel. Yes. And he's... And I've got a TARDIS to drink. Yeah, he's sipping the TARDIS. Yeah.

So, it's all right. Yeah, it's totally fine. It still does the job. It does, but... It's not personalised, is it? I feel like I can taste your spit on it. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I think a much nicer way of doing it.

And also, when Al started drinking from that police box cup, he started saying, can I just be honest with you about something? Did I? I don't think it works like that. Actually, how much did it cost this cup? It seems to me to be recklessly expensive. Help!

I'm just going to take that impersonation of me. My favourite Alan Cochran. Toby Jones. Anyway, on this topic, here's what happened to me this week. I was on's what happened to me this week I was on Sky News

Did we miss something? What happened? No, no, no they haven't finally got me Mr Skinner, Mr Skinner Yeah, there's a rumour that I'm going to be the next leader of the country, no What happened was, you know,

I was selling my wares. Oh, yeah. Plugging my various stand-up things. On the news. On the news. That's how big I am. It's actually news that I... Did you wear your I Heart News t-shirt that we got sent for? No, but I'll tell you what happened.

As we were, they were playing some of the adverts, I think, it being Sky. And I was talking to Sarah, Jane, me and the team. And I said, it's weird this, I said, because Sky News has actually slightly changed my life. Because I was watching, they did a big thing about, they were one of the pioneers of making a going on about plastic in the oceans and showing you know those really horrible pictures of plastic bottles and stuff on beaches and I said at the time I was having uh I was having 12 bottles of water delivered every week and I thought one morning while seeing this I thought you know we're going to stop this and And I just kept, I think, two or three bottles

and I just refilled them from the tap. That was the story. So when it went on air, Sarah Jane Me says, you were just telling us Sky's been quite a part of your life. So I told this story. I said, it's good fair play to them. They're doing it. So a couple of nights later,

I put the telly on to watch the news, again on Sky, and there's a programme on Sky which, I don't know if you're aware of it, it's a sort of a lowbrow debate show called The Pledge. I've seen it clipped online. I've never seen the whole thing.

Who presents it? I think it clipped online. I've never seen the whole thing. Who presents it? I think it swaps around. There's a regular team. You know when you watch Question Time and they have the celebrity on? It's been me, so I think I can speak openly about this. And they've got opinions and that. And I'm not saying they're not imbeciles,

but they don't really know the topics. They're there for a bit of, you know. They're us, essentially. They're us. And if I want to hear us, I'll let a couple of bosses go past and just stay in the stop. Anyway, this show is just those people.

It's not. It is. You know that Michael Gove quote, we've all had enough of experts. Well, this is, it was the treatment for this show. But like I say, I put myself in the same thing,

but I like to have, if you're talking about, I don't know, politics, I like to have some political experts and politicians and stuff on. But we're all different.

Anyway, I accidentally caught the end of The Pledge. Right. It's called The Pledge, by the way, I think, because it's named after Pledge. You know, the multi-surface cleaner, because it cleans away any sort of nuance or subtlety or finer points of an argument and leaves it sparkling and easy to see. Anyway, we didn't have the sound on, obviously.

Oh, didn't you? But then suddenly I appear. Right. I appear. And then you put the sound on. As a clip, of course. I want to listen to this guy. Suddenly I'm on

the pledge I mean I had one hand on my phone complaining to my ages but I'll tell you

after this I don't know where the other one was what happened next no I've taken the pledge oh stop it Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio No, I've taken the plate. Oh, stop it. You've had a bit of praise, Frank.

Have I? We don't do praise. I know we don't, but I'm going to read it to you only because I like it, because it's slightly dated praise. Oh, OK. And I think there's a statute of limitations with praise. I think, bear with. Travels with Chester has got in touch via social media. Totally abstract, but I've just seen a clip of you

in an audience with Lily Savage from 1997. Still hysterically funny. Such a fast-thinking stand-up. Now, what I can't work out is, is this praise for Lily or for FS? Yeah, sounds like me. Yeah. So, anyway, we were talking about this thing. Can I say that the reason all this cropped up, really,

is that Sky... You being on the pledge. Yeah, but the thing... I didn't think things got that bad. I thought it was just Pernod. The beginning of this was the fact that I'd done this, getting rid of plastic bottles, because of what? Today I got a parcel from Sky.

We heard you on Sky News saying that you use less plastic. We hope these inspire you to switch from plastic bottles altogether, etc. And they've sent me one of those travel cups designed by Ronnie Wood. No. No. Yeah. Can you believe that? What, Ronnie Wood has designed a travel cup?

Yeah. Is that already in the news and that? What, Ronnie Wood has designed a travel cup? Yeah. Is that already in the news and stuff? Have I missed a huge story? I don't think it made the bongs. No. Although he did. I might post a picture of me with the Ronnie Wood travel cup. And they've also sent me one of those bottles where you don't have to, you know, a metal bottle.

So it's all lovely with Sky. OK, back to that section I'm calling the ledge on the pledge. When I suddenly saw... I still feel like we've got a loose end about Ronnie Wood. Didn't Kevin Costner come up with something to fix an oil spill or something? Oh, did he? It feels weird.

I love a practical celebrity. Former rock and roller and now musical theatre legend Tommy Steele did the sculpture of Eleanor Rigby in Liverpool. What? Oh, no. Oh, no. Wow. So it's all lovely with Sky.

They've bought into the fact that I was inspired by them and they're helping me in my quest to eliminate plastic from my life. So anyway, the reason I was on the pledge when I turned up the sound and rewound and I'd listened to it is that they'd voted me groveler of the week. For going on

Sky and talking about how they'd it was them that had got me off plastic bottles. I like to see the pledge embracing the Save the Planet thing. Can you believe it? Grobbler of the Week. For responding to a campaign to stop people bringing plastic into the environment.

Supporting their initiative. Their own initiative on Sky. I mean, for goodness sake. Do you get that if you donate to sort of children in need? Do they name and shame? I'd like to read out a worthy donator of the week.

I'll tell you, they were a heart-beater away from calling me a do-gooder. So I think the departments need to get together and say it's alright not to use plastic guys on the pledge.

They'll probably be doing some big analysis of some, I don't know, social housing thing that they saw on Wikipedia. On the pledge front Frank, 660 has got in touch. I've just checked our kitchen cupboard where we store the cleaning equipment.

I see we have lemon pledge. Oh, well. I can't help feeling that not only does this give a lovely shine to wooden surfaces whilst giving off a fresh aroma, but by a freak of poch, it's absorbing negativity at the same time,

a sort of wash and go of the polished world. That's from Nasher, spelt with the reg formation. The trouble is, though, it's what happens once the negativity is absorbed. You don't want to come down

in the morning and your lovely formica decorative laminate worktop looks like driftwood as it's been rattled by negativity. You need to get it out. It's like the ring in The Lord of the Rings. It's toxic.

I'm worried now about the fact I used to clean myself when KFC lemon scented wet wipes in case of an emergency. Looking back, actually that explains what has happened to me in later life. We should probably discuss last week's Eurovision Song Contest performance by the artist known as Madonna,

who I think was performing under a character. She does sometimes do characters, doesn't she? Does she? Yeah. Well, it's the face I hate of it. under a character. She does sometimes do characters, doesn't she? Does she? Yeah. Well, that's the face I hate of it. Madam X. Madam X, that's right. I didn't know that.

Yeah, she does that thing, what's it called, like a doppelganger, not... Alter ego. Alter ego, that's the one. Doppelgangers, what an idiot I am. You have to turn around three times now. Honestly. If you say doppelganger. Do I? There's I am. You have to turn around three times now. Honestly. If you say doppelganger.

Do I? There's some weird thing you have to turn around. If you say doppelganger? Yes. Oh, now we've all got to do it. It's all right. I can do it on my chair.

Hold on. It's the joy of the revolving chair and a weird rule, isn't it? Well, the good thing is that our readers won't even notice that I'm doing it. Now, of course, I'm wrapped in... I'm going to have to do it again, guys.

Don't do it wrong. I'm a little bit concerned that if you do three, you might end up strangling yourself with that cable. No, it's all... Everything's fine. Don't worry. Don't panic. Here we are. We're back. For the readers, he's gone back the way he came. Yes. It's not...

Yes, it was in Tel Aviv, and... Well, I was... A friend of mine, who is Jewish, said to me, it's Tel Aviv and... Well, I was... A friend of mine who is Jewish said to me, it's Tel Aviv. Really? Is that correct? I do apologise. So I'm sticking with that. All right, Tel Aviv.

And, yeah, she was dressed as Madame X, which seemingly involves wearing a black eye patch with some sparkles on it. I'm unsure about that. Is the eye patch... The eye patch with some sparkles on it. I'm unsure about that. Is the eye patch disability chic? Yes, I felt a bit similar to that. If I did my tour in a mobility scooter on stage, I think I'd be roundly condemned.

There would be some brouhaha. There would be, yeah. I don't see why you can just take on the eye patch as if it's some sort of comedy, sexy thing. I think she's showing us her... Well, she's shown us everything else. If I may use the football commentator's phrase, bounce-back ability.

You know when they say that about teams that have been under duress and then they bounce back? Yes, yeah. Because I'm pretty sure the last time we discussed Madonna's public performance, she tripped off some stairs. Yes. And I think she's saying, not only can I still perform live, but I can still perform live with only one eye.

I'm only using one. Oh, good. I think she's saying to us, I'm all right, guys. That was a risk. I don't ever need my depth perception. Because unable to judge distance, of course, if you've only got one eye. I can't believe she could do that.

If only she'd remembered the other bit about performing live. Well, maybe that was it. Maybe. I knew she'd forgotten. I think she spent so much focus on the spatial awareness, she forgot she was singing. She forgot you had to sing. Maybe she was using. What if she used a three-dimensional stave

and because she only had one eye, she couldn't see the spaces between the notes and this became confused that's why she was all over the shop i have to say i mean we all i know i'm not a fan of madonna in it with a capital f i have seen her live a couple of times just because she is a social phenomenon yeah and live she you know she gives good show and um And live, you know, she gives good show. And, you know, she's a ledge. Indeed.

But a pledge. The slightly off-key performances, but that one was honestly like, it was the Madonna's answer to Les Dawson playing the piano. It was like when somebody, you know when somebody does comedy about singing and you think, well, no one ever gets it that wrong. In an audition for someone being tuneless, you would say, take it down a bit. Yeah.

Wouldn't you? You'd say it's a bit over the top. If we're all doing a metaphor, it was like, you know, when the sat-nav drives into a bit of road that has been made new and the tune was over there and she was in a sort of no man's land yes it didn't register the new roundabout but as I said to Lorraine Kelly only this week we can forgive

clang we can forgive name drop rank we can forgive Madonna a lot because she comes over as such a lovely person. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. So Madame A. Gags. A.K.A. Alan the Pirate. I had not picked up at all on the fact that she was a character. Oh, it's like... When he interviewed her before, the man...

The man. Well, the only presenter I know was Bar Raffaele. Do you know Bar Raffaele? Yes, she went out with Leonardo DiCaprio for a while. And is a sort of supermodel. And she did two brilliant things. Do you know anything of Barra? Do you know her work?

Inevitably. She's a beautiful woman and that. She's a model. She looks great. But she did two fabulous things. She didn't pay tax for years because she didn't live anywhere, was her argument. Oh.

It's a great, no fixed live anywhere was her argument. Oh. Good argument. It's a great, no fixed abode supermodel. Yeah, yeah. But my favourite one is that she avoided national service in Israel by marrying someone for a very short period and then on marrying them. And when they asked her about it she said um celebrities have other needs so um well i'll tell you the only other one i recognized was are you familiar with uh verka sudoka sudochka no the soup all odd in a tinfoil hat. Oh, yes.

Yes. But that's a singer. As soon as I say that, you say, oh, yes. That's a singer, not a present. Oh, no, no, I like her. Bought Freddie Mercury's car. Is that right? Yes.

Freddie Mercury's car. Rolls Royce, yeah. Really? Here you go. Honestly, the facts are absolutely spilling out of us. It's like working with Fry. It's like having Fry on the show, but no cards. That's the difference.

I'd like to apologise. As the motoring correspondent of the show, I feel I should have known that Freddie Mercury's Rolls Royce was bought by... Mirka Zdorska. Bless you. Mirka Zdorska, yeah? OK.

Anyway, so... Sorry, but back to you in the studio, Frank Skinner. Can I just say that the Madonna performance, which was in many ways unbelievable, you'd think, you know what, if you fired into a dark, let's say, a pigeon loft, you would hit some pigeons. Right.

She seemed to, as the note came, she seemed to dock away at the last minute like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. Here comes the note, you've got this, oh! You've swerved out of the way of it. You've missed it. It was almost like she was reading the clear bits on the stave and trying to avoid the black dots.

But it was... Well, they've put the new... They've put the... I mean, I don't want to say auto-tuned, but that's what it is. It's a tidied-up version. They've put a cleaner version, an easier to listen to version, up on her official website. It is the definition of easy listening.

But you can't do it after the fact. That's made me look a liar to so many of my friends. I've said, you've got to watch it because you won't believe. And they've looked it up on there and they've cleaned it all up and now she sings. I won't say beautifully but she sings you know yeah

I mean that is we should say the suggestion this is a suggestion that the playback or the auto she normally does

she doesn't really sing live that's what people often say but what about I've seen her in concert twice as I said

you're telling me she wasn't singing live you may say that I couldn't possibly why another glimpse I've seen her in concert twice, as I said. You're telling me she wasn't singing live? You may say that. I couldn't possibly... Why? Another glimpse behind the curtain. First the big onion and now this.

Yeah, exactly. Is that another of her characters? She comes on as an enormous onion. Yeah, be careful on that. At the end of it, by the way, she fell off the top steps. She just fell backwards. Oh, I didn't like that bit.

Was that a deliberate reference to when she fell? Was it Coachella? I think some of the other dancers Was it Coachella or was that woman with the horrible advent calendar? What was the thing where she fell off? That was the Brits.

Oh, was it? That was the Brits she fell off at. But she fell off with... Oh, well, I thought... She fell off with Quavo. Did you see Quavo? Yes, yes. Quavo, was it?

I called him Quavo the whole night. Oh, man. I thought he was a bit cheesy. You've had a man. Go take off, uncle. Cheesy Quavo. He's Offset's cousin as well. Is he really?

Is he one of the Lancashire Offsets? I know the family. Oh, yes. Went to school with the Offsets. Was it intentional? Was it a joke? Was it a nod to? She's a great one for self-mockery.

Known for it. She's got a lovely sense of humour. Oh, no, that was someone else. So did she fall off saying, look, I can fall off and it's fine? Was that the point at the end? Maybe. Well, some of the previous dancers had fallen at that point. Yeah.

Those are the ones who forgot to put the auto-shoot on now. Those are the ones who fell. Was it a celebration of the... I'd have got Gemma Collins on to recreate her fall into a trap door on the... I wonder if Gemma Collins would have done Tel Aviv even if they hadn't offered her ten quid for turning up. What about if after Madonna had fallen at the bridge, she'd been on MasterChef doing that?

You know, GC was paid off, she always claimed, by the BBC. The only gig... Was it MasterChef? Is that what it's called? I believe so, yeah. She did it with Zoe, because Zoe was on it. She's the only person to have her contract arranged by injury lawyers for you.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have been talking about the Eurovision Song Contest. Can I say that Madonna's performance on there was, she used Like A Prayer, backed with a lot of video footage of Roman Catholic clerical figures. Oh, here we go. As a clear attack.

Was it? Oh, yeah. I'm just saying God doesn't always use the thunderbolt. Sometimes he goes for the vocal cords Oh I didn't know it was a clear attack Can I say as well I mean, she took a while getting down those stairs Did she?

It wasn't her Mr Chonier knows help is on its way Until Alan informed me of the Madame X element, I'm now thinking maybe Madame X can't sing oh yeah that character that's the she's very method well i saw i think i think it was sally anne field is that possible in cabaret at studio 54 in new york um Comming. Do you know Alan Comming? No, but thanks for the tip. Anyway, so she played Sally Bryce in Cabaret,

the Liza Minnelli role, and her singing was a bit hit and miss. And I thought, I'm surprised that she got the... It was fine, but not great. I thought I was surprised she got the job. Close, but no cigar. And then after I thought, maybe that she's such a good actress,

she has thought, you know what, Liza Minnelli wouldn't have got sacked in a million years in Cabaret because she's too amazing. The real Sally Bryce is a slightly tragic... Sally Bowles, isn't it? Sally Bowles, yeah. Sally Bryce is... Someone you want to run out with?

No, Sally Bryce is another lead figure yes in a musical I think like Funny Girl or something like that Fanny Bryce Fanny Bryce

yeah we got there honestly campus two minutes ever on this show I read it as Bryce that's why I was avoiding it

oh yeah anyway Sally Bowles Sally Bowles yeah Sally Bowles wouldn't be a brilliant, amazing performer, would she? No. She'd be okay, because her whole life was just chaos.

So maybe Madonna's thinking, I don't want to make Madame X another brilliant singer like me. I'll paint her as a slightly, that she's so powerful and evil that you can hear it. Yeah. Someone has texted in 550, I didn't hear it, but I know someone who was actually there and her singing was fine in the room.

Calm off. I believe... That person must have a room full of lemons, hasn't he? Because there's no... You've got to have some light and dark. They're certainly a very dedicated fan. Yeah. That's for sure.

I wonder whether... We all have're certainly a very dedicated fan. Yeah. That's for sure. I wonder whether... We all have a bad night, you know. Oh, I mean, I've had a few gigs that I would happily auto-tune if I had the... But would you? A bad night. A bad night at the match. I mean, that was Eric Cantona proportions.

She based... I think that was a disgruntled employee. That would be a brilliant last act of revenge, wouldn't it? To switch off the auto-tune. Yeah. Can you imagine? She must be able to sing a bit. She's a singer.

By trade. You'd think. Well, I don't want to appear naive, but she must be able to sing somewhat. Come on, guys, back me up. You know when you were trying not to appear naive? Epic fail. But what about in the early days when she turned up?

The voice has so many things. Oh, Madame X. You know, with the changes. Madame X. Frank, at some point, I would like to discuss the Icelandic entry. Hatari, are you familiar with their work? At some point, I would like to discuss the Icelandic entry, Hattari. Are you familiar with their work? There's still time, don't worry, but we need to have this break.

OK. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, someone wants to know the details. 526, Frank, can you announce your details about you coming to Cambridge in November and where in Cambridge? Tracy, look, we can't offer a bespoke service. But please come, Tracy. Do come, Tracy. I mean, Google could be your friend here, Tracy.

Or specifically, you can find tickets at, I think, frankskinalive.com. Is that it, Frank? Well, that probably would work. Probably. Oh. I love that he doesn't even know his website. No, I don't know that. All the dates for showbiz are on frankskinalive.com.

Briefly, the whole of June and some July, Leicester Square Theatre, London, Edinburgh at the festival, and then September onwards all over the UK. Can we talk, Frank, about the Icelandic entry? No, which one was that? Was that the very heavy metal one? When you say very heavy metal, I mean, they were friends of yours, if you know what I mean.

They were in the community. They were in... There was a bondage element. Bondage element? Yeah. Had spikes coming out of their face. Yeah, they had a bit of that. They had collars. There was no one who wasn't attached to a metal collar.

They had spikes coming out of their face? Yes. One had those, you know those rubber spikes? No, no, but I think they... How did they do a pre-show hug? That was the guy who opened all their bills. It was very practical as it turned out. They're called Hatari.

Right. Which I believe means haters. Oh. Well, haters gonna hate. Hatari gonna hari. Hatari. Hatari gonna, yeah, I don't want a heart. I hate to be harried.

It's not my thing. Yeah. They were quite extraordinary. They had gimp suits, we should say. What? Unless people didn't see it. Are we allowed to say this? Yeah, they had gimp suits. Yeah. They were quite extraordinary. They had gimp suits, we should say, unless people didn't see it. Are we allowed to say this? Yeah, they had gimp suits. Yeah, they are.

But I quite liked them because they were all different and strange and I did like it. I knew they weren't going to get anywhere, but... Right. Well, not during the show, anyway. No. I tell you, I loved the Slovenia one.

What was that then? It was a couple dressed in white. Yes, she was staring at him. The girl looked like she was part of some secret government programme to examine psychokinetic powers. Right. She'd been in a lab that afternoon moving ball bearings with her mind

and then turned up for the music thing. Yes. And she stood a bit too close to him. Yeah. And looked a bit strange but I did love it.

Yes, I thought you'd like that. It's been steadily squeezed out of Eurovision. Any sort of, anything that's a bit different or interesting. Oh, has it? It's very much, it's any sort of anything that's a bit different or interesting oh has it

it's very much it's a sort of default stuff that sounds like an X Factor sound check oh that's a pity it's all

X Factor except for well we should say Michael Rice our entry the British entry yes it didn't

it didn't go well no in fact poor guy we thought it didn't go well. No. In fact, poor guy. We thought it didn't go well and then it turns out, well, it went even worse.

Yeah, that one, I mean, that one. He finished bottom with 16 and then three days later they said we got it wrong. It's actually 11. What?

They took five more points off him. I think what happened was they heard it again. I did feel... I mean... I mean, yes. He was a nice bloke, etc. He had a lovely voice and he had the classic

X Factor, you know, he looked like boy next door, northern accent and all that. But for all that it was an incredibly dull what you'd expect kind of a thing and when I saw it I said

to Kat this will finish bottom I did do that thinking that we finished bottom most years we hadn't actually finished bottom since 2010 but I just I felt he you know if he'd been given a good song who knows Michael Rice the song was called Bigger Than Us.

It was a song about everyone else's scores. Oh, yes. But I can't... That was our theme song when I worked at a fashion magazine. It was about people who didn't work at a fashion magazine. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There was Norway who, do you remember that one? I really liked that one and that won the public vote.

Did it? That was a sort of Lily Allen, Kate Nash. Oh no, that was Denmark. No, no, this one, it was people, it was quite a good song, but they had a bloke singing, I think it's called Sámi and it's a sort of the Sami people are in that sort of

Norway Northern Europe thing and it would cut to this bloke with a shaven head and he'd go Eloi, Eloi, La Eloi, Eloi, La

it was brilliant I mean he made that it was it reminded me of what Eurovision used to be like when it was like represented different countries

instead of a lot of people singing in English trying to become stars. Well, in the days when there were songs where the chorus went, with my golden boots, I mean, my golden boots. Oh, I don't remember that one. Oh, golden boots.

And I'd only be a bully bear. I don't think they should sing in English unless they're English-speaking countries. I think you should represent your country, shouldn't you? Don't you? I agree. I think it's a sell-out. And we should say Michael Rice.

That's the British entry. Yeah. I mean, where he was going wrong, that wasn't the job for him with the name. Yeah, yeah. Rice, Rice, Baby. Should have gone... They've got plenty of rice in the Middle East, haven't they? They don't need a lot of rice.

He had that on his T-shirt, though, didn't he? When he arrived back at the airport, he said, rice, rice, baby. Is that true? Yeah, and I think the Daily Mail said his cheeky T-shirt. I thought, well, I don't get it. Is it someone ordering? No, but that song...

You might say, anyone who doesn't have lemons at home might be appalled by the negativity towards that song. But people said, you know, it's like it's a patriotic thing. That song was written by, I think, four people,

one of whom was a Canadian woman called Laurel Barker, who also wrote Germany, and Switzerland's songs. What? She put the boot in for us. And one of the other writers, okay, he was born in London, but he grew up in Sweden, and he was the bloke

representing Sweden in the Eurovision Are you joking me? So the song... Shut up. This is disgusting. So they're not songs that emanate from those countries. No, not just that. There needs to be a stewards' inquiry.

Indeed. I love that phrase. I wish there was. But Frank, this is wrong. I agree. I don't think it's right. But anyway, it's true, is what I'm saying. The whole thing is, it needs a bit of a reshuffle.

That's my verdict Europe? no well actually he blamed Brexit for getting to the low score I mean God bless him for that he had that up his sleeve I know if this doesn't work if this doesn't work lads

leave it to me I blame it on Brexit it's not a big problem I can hear that now were, if this doesn't work, lads, leave it to me, I'll blame it on Brexit. It'd be no big problem. And I can hear that now. I can hear it being said in the tent outside. The tent. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

Frank, 559 has a poser for you. Okay. If Frank thinks Eurovision entries should only sing songs in their own language, how does he feel about the idea that maybe all West Bromwich players should actually be born in West Bromwich? As a non-sports fan, I think it's logical, but I know nothing, really, of Game of Thrones.

Natalie Burgess from Wakefield. Well, the thing is... Oh, your witness. The thing is, Nat, if I can call you that, the West Brom players are representing West Brom and so it doesn't matter where they came from. They are there to represent the team. The team is

not a country or anything of that nature. It's a club. You know, it's a limited company, I believe. Whereas if you represent your country, especially in the Eurovision Song Contest, it seems to me, A, that the song should be written by someone from that country. And also, it's all about national pride and being, It's all about this celebration of this... Nigel Farage. I know this is a bit unfashionable,

but Europe is so diverse and interesting and stuff like that. I don't see... I think they should be proud to sing in their own languages. Yes. Yeah. I'm certainly not. Even if some of them are unpleasant on the ear. Well, I like those ones, Al.

Well, I'm loving it. I like the ones. I must say. Elo, Elo, Elo. I mean, I'll be singing that all day. I think we all will, Dan. 7, 8, 6, yes. Diggy Lou, Diggy Lay.

Norwegian winners. I think they only sang in English after they won, when they sang the winning song again, because they sometimes do that, yeah. I think if you want to do it after, but when you're out there representing... It's like Madonna re-does it in tune. They re-do it in English.

You know what? In that outfit, Madonna, I think, should have come out to... Why didn't she come out and just dance in a very jolly fashion? Can she dance in a jolly fashion no I don't

I really I haven't bought into people saying she needs to retire now after one bad gig I don't want that to become a generally held test

no I think you're absolutely right her designer was present actually at the gig John Paul Gaultier was it did he did he design that outfit

he is responsible for Madam X. So the good news is, Frank, JPG, fan of a cape. Just saying. How did I miss the whole Madam X thing? I watched the show, listened to everything. I just thought it was Madonna in an outfit. Well, I missed the show, but read about Madonna being Madam X.

What were you searching for when you put in X, Madam X, eh?, but read about Madonna being Madam X. What were you searching for when you put in X, Madam X, eh? Yeah, I was just searching Madam X. It's one of my regular Google searches, actually. Because she had an X on her eye patch. Like a big X. And I thought it looked like, you know when

in the Beano, people have a plaster on something. They do it in that X way. And you thought, that needs to be under the eye patch, doesn't it? You fool. My eye's even more sore than usual today. I'll put a plaster. Not on the patch, love.

I got so confused. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Emily Dean I don't want you to think Emily Dean is in a massive sulk for this link she's gone she had to race

across town everything's fine don't worry I'm not sure silking would be her style either no so well

we we we have... We're totally male now. We'll soldier on. Which is very, very unfashionable. We'll solder on. We could probably talk about soldering and welding. We could even talk about welding for the last link, if you fancy.

Neither of them are my areas of expertise, actually. We should be more male than we are, but nevertheless. We've had an email from Roger Cook about lemons. Not Roger Cook, the investigative reporter. I hope it is Roger Cook, the investigative reporter, but there's no clue that it is. He's just sent a little joke, because we were discussing lemons earlier.

It's a pity he's not in contact, because remember we had a debate before about how to get through a door. How to get through a door, whether you should elbow. Shoulder it. Or foot, or use the foot to kick a door down if you've got to get in.

Because he was great, he was very good at door stepping once Roger Cook, that was his speciality. It sort of feels like he invented that door stepping documentary thing. Yeah, I think of that as a door stepping pioneer. Yeah.

Anyway, Roger Cook is... It's probably not him. It's probably not him, but if. Yeah, I think of that as a door-stepping pioneer. Yeah. Anyway, Roger Cook is... It's probably not him. It's probably not him, but if it is, I have an idea he might be no longer with us. Oh, well, that's awkward. I think... I bet he got into heaven, though. Yes.

Just going to shut the door on Roger... Oh! Why did you let him in, Peter? I couldn't see any foot in the gate. He just kept shouting at me about the entry requirements

being unfair morning all I might be having lemon grizzle cake later to see how it's grizzle like meaning

that he's a moody person and he's done a little pun on lemon drizzle cake I see strong work very nice

Roger Cook. And we've also had an email during the week. You recently, I don't know if it was last week or the week before, you recently discussed Kinder Eggs. Oh, Kinder Eggs and their illegal status in America because the law states in America that you cannot sell foodstuff with an inedible item in the middle of it. Well, let me bring to your attention this email from Suzanne.

Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. I'm going to change that. Hi, Frank and Alan. I'm referring to a previous show when you discussed Kinder Eggs and the American law on the selling of them. One evening, we were having our evening tea, and the conversation... Good time. The conversation... No need for repetition of evening. Oh. The conversation between my five and seven-year-olds became about kinder eggs, so I started to

quote the show about the kinder joy and the reason behind it to my husband, as he is a professor of custom... The kinder joy, I should say. Yeah. husband as he is a professor of customer joy i should say yeah if you'll forgive me um um the kinder joy is um you're on the radio i did yeah is it what now we're meant together i figure i can pick my nose um with your car keys the kinder joy is a kinder egg that doesn't have that um the uneatable item in it it has it it to one side, so that's legal in England. Uh-huh.

In America, rather. Well, she told her husband this theory of yours, and she says, as he is a professor of customer behaviour... Wow. That's his handle. I thought he would be interested in it. His first response was instantly, what about fortune cookies?

Whoa. straight off. I was completely stuck with the response as it is an item of food and does contain something non-edible. I would love to know your thoughts. Thanks, Suzanne. He's got us there, hasn't he? He's got us. That's... Bang to rights. He's got us. He's got the American Law Enforcement Agency. That is a good point.

Maybe they're allowed to be inedible in food if it contains wisdom. Oh, that's a good one. But imagine, at the post-mortem, cutting into my esophagus and finding a little bit of paper that says you're going to choke if you're not careful. No, if anyone's got the answer to that,

we're about to end the show, but we'd be happy to read it out next week. I don't know how they slipped through the net, the fortune cookie. I don't know. We've got around that. I love the idea, the fortune. We got around that. Cookie. I love the idea of the wisdom claws. Thank you so much for listening to us and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!