The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Life Hacks

Episode Date: November 14, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has been busy doing TV stuff and met Scherzy. The team talk Shia's cinema marathon, mealtime rules and give their life hacks to the readers.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You do that without any of the paper now. I don't need it. I've just got it. It's in there.

It's great. Very impressive. It's marvellous to be able to... I used to be able to do The Wreck of the Deutschland by Gerard Manley Hopkins. It's a long poem. It's all gone now.

Frank, we've already heard from the outside world. Oh, good. This morning. I don't know who this is from. Let's just call them Gary. Okay. He says... Have you just imposed that? Has he not even got a number? Well, funnily enough, whilst I was saying

I don't know who this is from, I suddenly saw he's called Gary. There you go. I thought you'd just picked that as a random. No, if I was going to pick it random, I wouldn't know who this is from, I suddenly saw he's called Gary. Where are you going? I thought you'd just picked that as a random. No, if I was going to pick it at random, I wouldn't pick Gary. Hello, Frank and gang, whoever it may be this week. Rather rude. Ever felt special, Al? No.

Me too. What a TV week it's been for you, Frank, this week. Go on. Hopefully that woman from some time ago will have been watching if eddie isan gets uh emails that start like that you know the one that said welcome back to tv oh yes i don't remember that yeah there was a woman who said that to me i did a gig i did a tv show and she said welcome back to tv like i hadn't been on for 20 years i I know what she means.

But... Anyway, Gary continues. Must get to the point, as I'm always being told, I waffle. I've seen you twice. I wonder if Gary is waffley versatile. I've seen you twice on the Gogglebox tonight.

Oh, yes. It's like having R. Keith in the room. Well, it is the name of a popular TV show now, I suppose. Not much longer. It's sort of come back. That ship sailed on that. I don't think so. They get big figures.

Some of them have got big figures. That is true. I'm bored of Gogglebox. And on both occasions, iPlayer and children in need, neither time were you wearing a suit or jacket of any type not even a pyjama jacket which I agree is exactly what they are called does this mean

I think it's very unfair to suggest you waffle Gary does this mean you are becoming a bit street and down with the kids oh Frank no praise for this not on your nelly kind regards of course I lost the second half of that because I was thinking there ought to be a show

by the Scout movement called Togglebox. They talk about TV shows from the view of being a scout. Yes. But no, I did listen. Well, I did... Yes, I do a thing... I've just started doing this thing on iPlayer where I interview people and talk, they recommend TV shows.

Currently available. I loved it. It sort of is quite an intimate thing, so a suit doesn't seem... Intimate? Is this a spoiler alert to say that you're in bed with Lee Mack? I am in bed with Lee Mack. That's ticked off at least one of my fan sheets. Well, I'm on a bed with Lee Mack. And if I had a suit on,

it would all be a bit Naked Civil Servant. Do you know what I mean? It'd be like somebody just met on the tube and took back to a hotel. So I'm casual on that. The thing on children in need... You've got socks on in that, Frank. And I think that was so cute.

Franken-socks on a bed. Hello. Franken-socks? Franken-socks. It was terrifying, that Dr. Franken-socks on a bed. Hello. Franken-socks. Franken-socks. It was terrifying, that Dr. Franken-socks. Yeah. And the children in need thing, I was mid-rehearsal, darling, for another show.

So I was a very hooded top. And I had to read some stuff out. I didn't know you'd done Pudsey. Yes, I... Well, yes, what a night that was. Bit of tabloid gossip for the start. Exactly. You know what I mean.

Yes, we sat, we played Frank Sinatra songs and lay in each other's arms. Podsy calls him old two eyes. On a... Oh, that's very funny, Joe. On a wider point, have you been suiting it up a bit less now that you're not on tour in your uh man in a suit show um i i tell you what down friday the year after that show i'll tell you what it is i've just i've just done a series of um this is very much um my tv life can i say

it's all gone a bit des o'connor show. Well, it's funny you should mention that, Al, because I've just done a series. I just did a series. I just did a series of Room 101 and where I wear a suit and tie. And I quite like the moment just before, you know, as you get

to that point in the evening when you're about to, where you take off your shabby clothes and there's a song in Pagliacci, I think, that goes... HE SINGS Which is the motley being like the clown outfit. So I love the moment when you take off your rags and put on your finery in front of the mirror

with all the little bulbs around the edge. You know what I love? What? I love that this is so Des O'Connor, you've now burst into song. Having no doubt previously said I couldn't possibly sing. Oh, Des O'Connor. I did that show a few times. Did you?

How was it? Worked with them all, hadn't he? Yeah. Worked with them all. Pudsey. It was fabulous. As you say, questions would start like, so, do you ever have any trouble with your neighbours?

Well, funnily enough, there's a guy next door. Yeah, I love all that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've already established you've been everywhere. You've been with Pudsey and Frank and Socks on the bed. Yes. There's dead o'connor yeah he gets around and i also saw him him being frank on the one show oh i was proud well i um

i feel bad doing my cv but yeah that's the first time i've ever hosted it it's quite an interesting experience because you know you got your ear in, which I don't normally work with. So you're there trying to be all relaxed and chatty to the guests and in your ear you've got stuff like OK, drop the mandarin, we're not going to have time for that and stuff like that. So there's this voice in your head

telling you what to do. You never have known. You're very calm. I don't know how non-Catholics cope with it. Obviously I have it most of the time anyway. known. You were very calm. I don't know how non-Catholics cope with it. Obviously I have it most of the time anyway. The Mandarin though. Can I say I thought you were a natural? Thank you so much. I appreciate that.

And I love Alex. Yeah, she's fantastic. So I learnt seven Mandarin words to speak to Lang Lang. You know Lang Lang the... Is that my speak to Lang Lang. You know Lang Lang the... Is that my phone? Lang Lang the

classical pianist. How good they named him twice. As Jonathan Rance once said. And he does a thing called Mandarin Mondi on YouTube. Does he? Just another Mandarin Mondi. Yeah, when he eats an orange on camera. An he? Just another mandarin mug.

Yeah, when he eats an orange on camera. An easy peeler. Yeah, he does an easy peeler. I did an easy peeler once. I forget what it was. WPC Evans. And anyway, they don't call them peelers anymore.

No, I was going to say, that's all our 1950s's a 19th century 1950s 19th century rivalry yeah but anyway so he teaches you a different

Mandarin word every week so I learned to learn so I could talk to Lang Lang and then I got in the ear

we'd have to drop the Mandarin so that's gone but if there are any people don't drop the Mandarin so that's gone. But if there are any people Don't drop the Mandarin. If there's any Mandarin speakers listening can I just say

Ni hao ma which means hello. Lovely. It is lovely isn't it? Well I say lovely, it's pretty meaningless to me but it's nice to That's why I explained it. Thanks for that. Isn't it difficult though because it's nice to... Well, that's why I explained it. Yeah, thanks for that. So, um, yeah, so... Isn't it difficult, though? Because it's tonal, isn't it, Mandarin?

It is. That's the nice thing about it, is that, um, you know, you could... I can't speak Mandarin but I could hum it to you. Oh, really? It's got the... and all that. It's very trendy to learn it at the moment. All the youth are learning it. Right. It's a bit like... Yeah. Shall we have a Mandarin text in today?

Would you like to know what thank you is in Mandarin? Yes. Shishi ni. Shishi ni. You've got a lovely tone to you. Thanks. If there's any Mandarin speakers, it probably sounds like garbage,

but I kind of like at least playing at it a little bit. If there's any Mandarin speakers, I hope you enjoyed the peelers, Joe. Yes. Well, you know, it's something for everybody, I think. By the way, I... What about your plant, Frank, on the one show?

Oh, that was embarrassing. Yes, I took... My son grew a bean from Bean. Frank brought... It was a bit like, you know, when they bring things in show and tell at school. He was so proud of his plant, because Monty Don was on. He produced this plant.

It was the sorriest looking thing. I thought it would be embarrassed. Why did you bring that into a nice studio? They said, have you got any, you know, it's the one show. They said, have you got any plants at home that need a bit of help? A bit of help? There's brown. Because one of the things on the one show they said have you got any pot plants at home that need a bit of help bit of help those brown because one of the things on the one show is is combining the two guests in a way so there's

there's a study that says music is good for plants and of course monty donson is the big gardener so um so that was it so i brought in bozzy's bean and then somebody dropped it backstage can i just say that one of the people who i told to take absolute care of it, which made my son cry when I got home. The one show broke my son's heart. Oh, that's just a text from a Mrs. Childs. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Last week, if you recall, we spoke of Jonathan Ross's Halloween party. We? You two spoke of very little. Well, I meant we. Well, we can't help it that you weren't there. I meant we too. I don't handle the invites. It's fine, I'm just busy.

So, they're a great band though, the invites. I'd love to handle them, but they've got pretty good management. I don't handle them either, contrary to popular belief. Well, that's a lie, sort of do. And if you remember, I had this memory of being snobbed by Absolute Radio's Matt Berry. Yeah, it's one of the lower-level showbiz gossip stories you've told on this show, I think.

Yes. Well, the weird thing about it was i i honestly genuinely didn't know if i dreamt it or if it had happened first of all look jonathan jonathan ross's halloween party is as you can imagine a fairly dreamlike event isn't it the way it's lit and everyone's dressed for you maybe It's amazing. It's kind of surreal. Yeah. And so I came in here and I thought, oh, that's interesting because I think I have dreamt the Matt Berry snob. And it's good because it shows my inner insecurities and we can pull that apart.

We should say, Frank, you couldn't establish whether you thought you'd talk to him and he hadn't said anything back or something? Well, I didn't even think he, I honestly thought, I was on the side if I'd dreamt it, I wasn't certain. And I didn't even, so I wasn't even sure if he was there. But when I started talking about it on air, and then Emily said, oh, yeah, yeah, he was there. And I thought, oh, it wasn't a dream, was it? So what I'm just doing now is saying Matt Berry snubbed me and I'd like to make it publicly known.

Yeah. However, I got an email from Matt Berry this week. You did not. I did. You had him coming from Berry? Yes. And you know what? It was blank.

No, it wasn't. It wasn't. What did he say? Actually, how did he get your address? It wasn't me. No, it wasn't. It wasn't. What did he say? Actually, how did he get your address? It wasn't me, was it? No, he actually tweeted David Baddiel and asked for my email. And...

Can I just ask, did he email you all in caps like, Dear Frank! What did he say in the email? So, actually, I have to say, full credit to Matt Berry, it's a very, very nice email indeed. And I hadn't dreamt it, but he hadn't actually snubbed me. He was actually... He was minding Vic Reeves' children

and one of them had just... He couldn't see where one of them was. And that can unnerve you when you are left in control of someone's children and then lose one. So he was slightly, and he said actually he did look for me after to try and

and then couldn't find me. So it was a very nice email. How did he sign off? Yours sincerely, all best? Two kisses? I can't remember how he signed off. I can have a look. Absolute radio? The thing is I he signed off. I can have a look. Absolute Radio? The thing is, I love Matt Berry. I love his stuff.

One of my favourite... In fact, someone asked me recently, what's your favourite sitcom of all time? And I said Garth Marenghi's Dark Place, which is... Do you remember that? Of course I do. Fantastic. Anyway, it was very nice of him,

and I apologise for any problems. Matt Berry, turns out, is a very nice man. It's lovely that David Baddiel's been peacemaker between you two. The in-between. Yes, the go-between. Go-between, go-between. Now, the in-between, that was after that gig I did in Wigan in 1994. That's what I called that night.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I'll tell you what else I did this week I did a show called Bring the Noise Do you know it? Don't know any of it I think my wife has said that My wife?

I said to my wife I think she saw a trailer and said something along the lines of it not floating her boat but maybe it's worth a full watch well I how dare you be so honest what it was incredibly

enjoyable to do it was a real I'm glad you had a nice night well I was are you had a nice night. Were you allowed to say? Yes, I can say it was in it. I don't think I should talk about the content too much. It hasn't gone out yet.

Also, you talked about Little Else this morning, about all the shows you've done. It's a game show centred around Inyo, which is music. Oh. In Mandarin. Oh, is that your Mandarin again? Yeah, got me Mandarin out. People say it's hard to learn, but you seem to have mastered

it in about five minutes. They should look at Lang Lang's Mandarin Mondays. Maybe the, um, maybe it's the pressure of hosting the one show really helped you with the accelerated learning thing. Perhaps everybody that's trying to learn Mandarin. Lang Lang's Mandarin Mondays. Is that my phone? Phone.

Lang Lang's Mandarin Mondays Lang Lang's Mandarin Mondays sounds like sounds like a Matt Berry show it does actually it does sorry as you were so I was so it's like a game show

based on popular music right and so I was on Nicole Schertzinger's team. Oh, yeah. So... She's a hottie, isn't she? Yes, and the other team is captained by Tiny Temper. I thought you were going to say Captain Sensible.

No, he's a... It's a strange booking. Oh, God, I forgot about him, yes. Yeah, so that's it, basically. No. It's a strange booking. Oh, God, I forgot about him. Yes. Yeah, so that's it, basically. Right. And there are many funny guests, you know, Catherine Ryan and Joel Domi and Anne-Marie,

who not only can sing, but is twice world karate champion. What about that for a combo? Who? Who? Marie. You people make me sick. Googler.

Marie. Anne Marie. Anne Marie. Oh, Rosemary. Anyway, this is not what I'm talking about. Karate champion. So we're together all day. Of course, that's why he's tuned in, because it's the marshals.

Oh, he loves the marshals. He loves the marshals. Wendy, have you got your karate lesson, lesson darling i haven't got a karate lesson i'm gonna get you just interested i'm gonna get i'm gonna get you a copy of one of my favorite elvis presley photographs oh yeah fighting in a karate tournament in in shades LAUGHTER So, anyway, it was really such an enjoyable take. We went in rehearsal, we had to sing and dance and stuff, so it was like, you know... Did you do singing?

Did I sing? Did you? Yes. I can't say what, though. No, of course. But there was a real team spirit. I feel I probably should tell you this bit after, because there's a sign just arrived at my side that says adverts.

And when you're on commercial radio, there are certain things that strike fear into your heart, and being late on the adverts is one of them. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, yeah, so I think it's fair to say that on Bring the Noise I was the senior representative. Lovely. What did you wear? Did you wear trendy clothes?

I wore a suit. Oh. I mean, the thing he's on it, Martin Kemp, so I'm not the... I don't know if he's older than me or not. I thought you were going to say Cloonsy had had an appearance. No. No, maybe Series 8.

Yeah. But I don't know if he'd like it. Anyway, I went for it. So we were... You do a lot of dancing and singing together, which is not easy with my Blumenthal back. Oh, no, of course, yeah. I will be seeing Blumenthal tonight.

Will you? Well, I don't know if he'll be there. I'm dining in his restaurant, so what would you like me to say to him? Well, tell him he's ruined my life. OK. I will do. I look forward to that, thanks. OK.

It's a message you've probably had to pass on to various people after you. Oh, yeah, not the first time. Yeah, it means when I dance, I dance in a slightly haughty fashion. I've got a straight back to my head, slightly thrown back. I look like I'm dancing like I'm a member of Marie Antoinette's court dancing compared to the others. But there was a bit where Nicole Scherzinger, we'd just done a thing and it had gone well,

and she went, yeah, chest bumps, chest bumps. No, she didn't. And I said, I noticed. I thought she was just celebrating. You have to take it, Sid James, don't you? No, but listen, she says, come on. But listen, she says, I'd never heard of the concept of chest bumps and didn't know what it meant.

So she ran at me. Yeah, hi, P's. She ran at me sort of bossed first. She didn't flatten you, did she? Well, I thought it was a hug, so I grabbed her. So I sort of literally caught her on the rebound. She went, oh. And it was just the name... And then I realised,

of course, then I saw her do it with Joel Dock and I thought, oh, that's what you're supposed to do. You just bounce off each other. And I'd sort of caught... Oh, I felt such a fool. Felt such a fool. My eye. You knew exactly what you were doing. I didn't. I'd never heard of the term chest bumps before.

She's got a very impressive physique. Well, she does a lot of yoga. Does she? She does make me... You know those bodies that make you feel slightly tired looking at them? I didn't look. Not at my age. So she was extremely... You just grabbed her. Extremely

friendly and supportive. Which... Yes. So she also... She fanned me at one point. She what? She fanned me. Is this, is this a... It's very hot.

It's very hot in the studio. And she has a sort of an ornate... Oh, I thought that was a command to turn the air con down. No, she has a sort of an ornate sort of Spanish lace fan, which she uses to cool herself. I like the fact you say she has as if she always has this on her. Well, I mean, I don't know if she got it out just

for me. Did you get a senorita? Lovely. Yes, I felt like a Mexican senorita. Did it match the rest of her outfit or was it a sort of... I couldn't see past it. That's a bit personal, Alan. Once it was completely splayed, I couldn't see her anymore. But I actually lay back and she fanned me with this

elaborate fan and I thought is this a bit camp of me I looked across Tiny Temper had got a similar fan and he was doing himself I thought this is it's like those cowboy films when the beautiful ladies

those cowboy films with Tiny Temper in them. But so practical. I've never really thought of all the... You know how often in this studio it's really hot? I've never thought of, you know... Of bringing Nicole Scherzinger into Fanyu. Yes, I've taken fans into hotel rooms many times. But I've never...

I hate that period in your life. I'm thinking I might get a... A fan. Because you could have different patterns on them and stuff, you know. Yeah. You could have, like, a smiley face on it for when you're doing your... Maybe at the football, you could have one with your team's badge. Oh, yeah.

Not that one often needs it at the football. The Hawthorns, West Bromwich Albion's home ground is the highest ground above sea level in the country. Good fact. It's cold. It's properly cold. The M62's the highest motorway in Britain.

This is the best bit we've ever done on the show. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I have noticed. I think we've established I've done, and I don't say this to brag, but I've done several different television

shows this week, and I've realised... You're everywhere, love. When I'm in my dressing room, I've realised how much I judge people by their door knock. Oh, that's interesting. If I get a... I already despise that person. I mean, through an inch and a half of wood, I haven't even seen them at this point.

Tell me why that is. It just feels a little bit in forced jollity. Is that what it is? Deliberately jaunty. Colourful character. Yes. Self-style colourful character. I just... It's like a description of me that you just did there, isn't it? Jaunty. No, but you know, how would you knock?

If you knocked on someone's door... Oh, let's all do our knockers. I'll do it. Go on. Frank. Don't throw the name. I expect Mr Skinner. Oh, really? They say Mr Skinner three minutes and I say, yes! Okay, let's do our knocks. I just did mine. Oh, really? They say, Mr Skinner, three minutes and I say, yes! Okay, let's do our knocks.

You don't know? I just did mine. Frank! You're both accompanied with my voice. Okay, I won't do it with the voice. No, I don't like that. That's impatient. It almost implies that I'm neurotic or something. Frank, what's your knock?

I don't knock. I just walk in. That's what happens when you get to my level. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show, please, on 8-12-15.

Beggy, beggy. You can tweet us on at Frank on the radio, or you can go through, you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. Very good. I loved you buying time as you forgot it. We have had emails in, so I think we should perhaps take a trip to Email Corner.

Well, hold on, hold on, hold on. What about this? Me by Gum, Me by Gum, Me by Gum, Mail Corner. Nice. I love it. It's great, that. I mean, this email, I'm afraid, Frank, is not going to dissuade people from thinking

that this whole show is about your showbiz career. Oh. Hi, team. After hearing that Frank was struggling to hear what was being said at Steve Coogan's 50th birthday party... At least it shows. That was the week before Jonathan Ross's Halloween party. What a social butterfly

you are. I think I'm more of a hornet. Hmm. Over the background music at the 50th birthday party this is, I thought I would pass on a wonderful tip someone gave me in one of those night clubs. I should say, shouldn't I?

It's that thing when you're at a party or in a bar or wherever, what I was moaning about, where you're going, yeah, I went there, and you're having to shake, you can't hear what they're saying, you have to get... I could feel someone's spit going on the side of my face. Yeah, that kind of thing, yeah. So that was what I was moaning about.

I have to say, we did have it slightly at Jonathan Ross's Halloween party, but I dealt with that. You know what I did? I just went over and turned the music down myself. I did realise I was standing next to the speakers as well, which is... I wondered whether we were just old, Frank. Yeah, John Burko was there. Were they invited? Everyone gets invited. Oh, we're united.

Hodda, Hodda. What was he called? Remember the Scottish one? Hodda, Hodda, Hodda. Oh, I loved him. Anyway, sorry, so I'm just giving them a bit of background. Carry on, Al. Do text in, who's your favourite speaker? You're at the Coogan's party and there's background music. And it was a lovely party.

I had a great time. I thought I'd pass on a wonderful tip someone gave me in one of those nightclub venues they used to have in the 90s. When struggling to hear what someone was saying to me, they pressed their finger over the little sticky out bits in front of my ear canal, effectively blocking it off, and then spoke closely to my ear. This blocked out all peripheral noise,

and I could hear their voice perfectly over the music. Please try this, as it is magnificent, and unlike so many things in life, actually works as described and is marvellous. All the best, Adam. Well... Oh, thanks, Adam. I'll tell you what, I'm slightly worried about this as a technique.

The touching of another person's ear. Well, can we get this right as well? I think there's a real danger of hot breath, don't you? He's not. Oh, he loathes hot breath. But he's not talking about, I thought of, I thought he meant that you blocked the other ear. But you actually blocked the ear you're talking into, is that right? Oh, I thought you blocked the other ear as well.

No, I think what's happening here... I've taken off one of my cans, red earlingo. Revealing your sort of... We can currently see Alan's ear. And he's just had a haircut. It's all gone a bit... What were those books you liked? Frank Suedehead? Yeah, Skinhead Escapes. I think this bit here is pushed back.

So that bit, there must be, can any of our listeners know what is the term for that sort of front flap that nearly covers your ear hole? Any doctors listening? Yes. And then you whisper into that bit. Do you want to give it a try? So you close it down.

I tried you're in the song. I don't want, no. I'll crank the music up during the song. Yeah. I think the men should do it on me. We'll do it. You don't want to do it on me because I've got that sort of pork-scratching hair on my ears, which I think you'll find appalling.

That would make me hungry. What is the least offensive combination of doing it on each other? I think the men should do it. So do I. So Frank, whisper in my ear. I'll whisper in your ear. I'm still worried about the hot breath, though. It's all right.

We're going to do an experiment. It's a good song as well, so it's just right. Imagine we're in a really groovy club. Hot Birmingham breath as well. Yeah, I've brushed this morning, in case you're wondering. I didn't floss, but I brushed. OK, so we'll be back in a minute and let you know how this experiment works out.

Absolutely. Absolute Radio. I feel ill. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, we tried it. We've got ear news, haven't we? Oh, sorry, I haven't turned... Oh, turn us on.

I turned the wrong mic on. You haven't turned us on. You haven't put your finger over the front of my ear. No, I thought your finger was still in my ear then. I couldn't hear you. Can I just say, it was somewhat erotic. I don't think it was. Basically, Alan was investigating Frank's tragus.

Yes, we've... Thank you. Can we just name check one of the people who's told us that it's called the tragus, that first part? Yes, thank you to 512. Thank you for all your work, 587. And 752 couldn't have done it without you. 752 has texted just the word, Tragus, Dr. Clare.

I think she may have texted before, and I think we may have joked about her being the doctor of the show. I thought that was the name of the speaker, Tragus. We could do with the show doctor, like this morning, and Dr. Hillary. We haven't got the budget for that. We could do it for these people. Dr. Clare could do it. Dr. Clare We haven't got the budget for that. We could value for these people. Dr. Claire could do it.

Dr. Claire is, you know, she's probably had NHS experience. If there's any wealthy doctors who have personal wealth and don't mind helping us out, fine. I'd rather Dr. Claire did it at the goodness of her heart. Yeah.

And she'll know if there's any goodness left in her heart through thorough examination. Okay, so Alan Press My Tragus. That's the headline in the... This is like Freddie Star at my hamster. And you know what? It damn well works.

I thought you were going to say Alan Press My Tragus and I liked it. I really... Love that Katy Perry. So I cranked up the last track as low as... literally to the top of the fader. Was it up there? Yeah.

On 11. I've put a lovely picture on my Twitter feed if you'd like to see this happen. Yeah, and Alan did me and I did Alan. Yeah. Oh, it was like being at public school. And Sarah and I attempted it as well. Oh, did you?

Oh, I missed that. Oh, sickos. Absolute sicko. Coffee and cream. But it works. It does work. Does it work? Honestly, you've just tried it. Yeah, but it didn't work for us. Yeah, but you were probably tentative and also you've got

very long nails so you can't really, you can't get deep into the tragus. I don't think you get deep it's just a i think there's a tragus embargo over there at the moment yeah rich has tweeted us to say i'm loving the new here comes the science bit feature on the radio yes it started to become something of a regular for us it's really uh i'm brilliant. I'm brilliant. That's the... I'm brilliant! That's the trailer sorted.

That is the most Freudian thing. That's the underlying message of every show, but it's never put quite so bluntly. I've never actually come straight out with it before. He's just saying now. He's actually doing a show where he just says, I'm brilliant. I don't know why I said that.

I do, because you think it. It's nice to see three hours. Obviously I think it, but I don't know why I said it. Three hours of radio condensed to two words. Finally. I'd say it's a 30-year career. Condensed to it. I feel awful I said it, but you know what?

I'm already over it. Was that his name? George Thomas, first speaker to be heard on radio. That's not the one we mean. Was he George what? I'm already over it. Was that his name? George Thomas, first speaker to be heard on radio. That's not the one we mean. Was he George Thomas? 990. No, I mean the more recent one. I meant about the Scottish one. So am I. Text us, because we don't, you know we have a no Google

policy, so. Yeah. The one who... Pre-Burko. Yeah, pre-Burko. Exactly. And we've had another bit of Tragus news. Have we got time for this last bit of Tragus? I think we have to go to the adverts. Charlie's giving me such a look.

Fine, yeah, fine, fine. I don't want her to twist my Tragus. Isn't that Happy Mondays? Yeah. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. we were talking about if you want to talk to someone in a loud bar or club etc or at Steve

Coogan's 50th birthday party press their tragus which is the front part of their ear and speak into that seemingly closed ear and it operates a bit like the whispering gallery in saint paul's cathedral and there's a how-to demonstration currently on my twitter page of alan and frank so uh specialist interest there young people in those loud places don't they just direct message each other oh that would be a good idea do they but i mean i could imagine two people dancing and still doing that it's so loud loud places, don't they just direct message each other? Oh, that would be a good idea.

Do they? But I mean, I can imagine two people dancing and still doing that. It's so loud. And also, people don't speak anymore, do they? No, not at all. Certainly not in our house. What I like is Adam, who sent this in, I like his sort of air of pessimism. Please try this as it is magnificent and unlike so many things

in life actually works. I like that. He's got a gloom but uplifting. Yeah, he should try the ornate Spanish lace fan. Yes. Which I find works much better than you might imagine. Is that your tip for life? That would be good. I mean, I would like to know.

Here's the question now. Is the ear trumpet obsolete? Oh. It feels very Victorian. But wouldn't that be good in a club? Yes. Because you'd speak directly to... You can't take an ear trumpet to a club.

No, you can't, but you could probably get in with a cone of chips and then fashion the... I don't know if you would get in with a cone of chips. Good point. What sort of clubs do you go to? I imagine... I imagine a lot of the people that go clubbing have got Don C's hats left from school. They could take one of those.

And fashion an ear trumpet from their hat. Do you think it's the shallow end of the gene pool that go clubbing? Just hear me out. Imagine if people, you know where people used to go to clubs? I don't know if they still do this with whistles and stuff like that around their neck. Oh, on gloves. Didn't they like gloves? White glove. And anything like... Bigger than a rubber. We didn't go to clubs. I don't know if they still do this with whistles and stuff like that around their neck. Oh, and gloves. Didn't they like gloves? White glove. I don't know.

We didn't go to clubs. Clubs were for the people that didn't pay attention at school, I'm afraid. I don't agree. That's because you've got a past. I have no opinion. I enjoyed clubbing while it lasted for me. I like night clubbing, but I always thought if anyone who can't get drunk by half past ten shouldn't even

be in pubs. It's all about pacing. So I picture, if you will, a tradition now where people go to clubs with a little ear trumpet on a lanyard. On a lanyard. It's a Viking club. Maybe a highee's ear trumpet orange orange

orange day glow no because it would become the thing and then when you talk to someone I'm sure you could use it for some sort of illegal substance as well

it'd be multifarious Hy-Vee's ear trumpet is going to become the thing also you know if it's packed in there you need to urinate you could probably just put the ear trumpet in another dancer's pocket.

Good point. Bob's your uncle. I don't think this is a good idea. Mind you, I am the person who insisted on taking a chair to the Chemical Brothers gig because I refuse to stand. That's fabulous. I honestly think the high-vis ear trumpet could become a clubber's mainstay. I love that part.

Laugh about it, but just look back to this when it happens. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. So, yeah, that was a very good life tip, I must say, about the press in the Tragus. It was, and we've got it from our readers, the audience, and I think they've probably got other little life tips. I think the young people call them life hacks, don't they? Yes, hacks, that's right.

How do you spell that? H-A-C-K-S. I'm sorry, you didn't say H. I was worried. I wouldn't say H. Well, I could have gone one has it? So, Lee, you didn't say H. I was worried. I wouldn't say H. Well, I could have gone one of two ways. Come on, you said Descartes. You said tomato. I've never heard life hacks before.

Have you not? Well, I mean, I... I love a life hack. See, I love this one. Sarah, who's the assistant producer today... Very trendy. ...who's about, what are you, 23, looks at me then like oh yes

she gave you what i'm calling a word as original look yes she did but she's the sort of person if i asked her to go to the paper shop she'd look at me like a dog watching a card trick as i think bill hicks once used as an example why um because you're northern congratulations this is this bright light is electricity don't be old come come that's a very old one i know so anyway yeah i worry that this life hack that we've been sent this little life tip i think it's it's it's targeted kind of people that go out to nightclubs and listen to loud music. Maybe even a rock concert you could hear that. But I've got one that I would genuinely like to share.

This is a game changer for me. Go on. Dry sacks. Yes, I hate that. They're not talking about it. I travel a lot for luggage. Well, Alan Potts. I'm just going to reach over to my bag now.

Oh, this is a good bit. Look, I'm getting it out. I take on the road with me. What an office that is. And I put in, like, different things. Can I say? It's like luggage dividers. That is the most unsexy thing you've ever done. You know when you go past...

I've got several of them for the photo. Hold on, I have to paint a word picture for our readers. Please do, please do. Alan is holding on what looks like he's torn down a windsock from a local airfield. It's bright yellow and plastic

and it has like a sturdy... it looks like it could be clipped on to something. It looks like it could operate as a windsock. Do you know what it looks like? It be clipped on to something. It looks like it could operate, doesn't it, as a windsock? Yes. Do you know what it looks like? It's the sort of thing you'd order from one of those supplements that you get with a Sunday magazine.

No, no, no, no. For leafage. You'd be more advised to get it from, like, a camping shop. OK. And you can get them in different sizes. But what do they do? Here's the little tip, Frank. What's it for?

When you're going on the road, four or five nights, you pop in your pants and socks in here, roll it up, roll it up, look, clip it, and then, when you're away, as you've got dirty stuff, like maybe you go and exercise in the gym and so you've got sweaty stuff, you don't want that sweaty stuff contaminating your clean stuff that's in your bag.

That's the size of that. That wouldn't be enough for my fans. Oh, goodness me, I wondered where I was going. You're fine, sorry. I'm really worried about that moment. Yeah, well, I've got different sizes. Look. You've got several. There's another one.

You've got another one. And another. Three dry banks. I've got three dry banks. Three dry banks full. I've been on the road since Wednesday. But honestly, in terms of dirty washing... That's a nice job for Mrs Cockrell.

No, I'll do my own washing. I'm a modern man. He'd buy a gun, Black Sheep. Have you any dirty clothes? But honestly, if you don't want cross-contamination of clean stuff and dirty stuff, they're amazing. They're a game-changer. And they're inexpensive. You know, it's been the bane of my life. Bacteria

passing from one clothing article to another by osmosis. This has put a stop to it. I've never even heard of the dry bag. No, me neither, because guess what? I've heard of a dry cleaner. Thank you. Good night. And the laundry. I'm impressed, Alan.

Thank you. I love it. You know what I love? I love a life hack. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think the texting about little hacks for life has taken off, but somebody has just texted earplugs. I think that might be...

That was nice of them. I think that's a response. I think they're saying earplugs were a game-changer for me. I mean, they haven't been very... Do they mean in clubs? Oh, maybe they mean in clubs. I just assume that they mean... If you're wearing earplugs in clubs,

you do wonder if you should be going to clubs. It's a bit embarrassing. We've also had a text from Jen from Aldershot saying, Frank M and Al, sorry to be a pain, but please can you clarify the tragus issue? Do you press down on the one you speak into? Tragus. Tragus.

Tragus issue. I love that Dan Brown novel. Yes, you press down the one that you're speaking into. So what happens is you close out most exterior sound, but because you're getting in close, you're sort of going around the back of the flap a bit, so you're sneaking in at the... The IP entrance.

At the triangle extremity. Which I don't know if you've ever been to that pub, but they do a lovely roast. Is that in Vauxhall? It is. Paddy has texted, read the dry sacks. I spend a lot of time on the road and use something similar.

It's called a carrier bag. Same idea, fraction of the price. Paddy. Well, I'm, I, hey, I love a bargain as much as the next man, but the carrier bag is not as waterproof. These are waterproof once they're rolled and clipped so you could take swimming gear. Rolled and

clipped. I love the BFG. I've got a great life hack for on the road, as you put it. Let's hear it. Love it. Well, I don't know if this will be relevant to you, being male. No, is it going to be about brass ears?

Well, hang on a second. I'll do high horses. Are you familiar with hair straighteners? Yes. The straightening irons the ladies use? Yes. Yeah, sure. So, sometimes, you know my fear of creases on clothes.

I can't abide creases. If I don't have an iron, or I don't have an iron or I don't have time, I might have a call downstairs. Emily, we're leaving now. I'll get the straighteners out and go over the sleeves of the shirt with them. Oh, very good. Use the straighteners as an iron.

Absolutely. I don't understand, but yes. Why do you not understand? You're using irons for the shirt or for a dress. It's not dissimilar to the old hang things up in the same room as you have your shower so that the steam knocks the breezes out. Yeah, I don't know if that works. It doesn't work. I've tried it.

I've done that. I've tried that. My other one is if you've got a scuff on the back of your heels, carry a little black Sharpie pen around with you, colour it in. Oh, excellent. Thank you. That is a game changer for me. I wonder if I've got a scoff on the back of my heel.

No idea. No idea if I've got a scoff on the back of my heels. Okay, I'll tell you. I have another one. Have more fruit in your bag than you think you really need to eat. In your dry bag? No, just in your normal, in the food section of your luggage. More fruit than you need to eat.

And then- So if you're attacked by a rhesus monkey- Yeah, you can give it some fruit. Yeah. But also you get the very specific joy of eating your luggage lighter. Oh yes, I like that generous. Yeah. Oh man.

I was on a tube last night and I ate an apple, then two bananas and then I had another apple and when I picked my bag up to get off that train it was like a hot air balloon that someone had thrown a sandbag off. It just lifted up. I once travelled with an entire roasted ox. Can you imagine? Do you know what's hurt my feelings, Alan?

I feel that Frank has been a bit more enthusiastic about your life hacks than mine. I mean, all you said, I have really ingenious ones, all you said was eat fruit and he said, oh, that's a great idea. I know, all you said, I have really ingenious ones, all you said was eat fruit. And he said, oh, that's a great idea. I know, but I don't carry hair straighteners. Yeah, I know, too. I'll tell you what I have done on, I'd say, five, six occasions.

Go on. I've gone on holiday, and the shoes I've taken with me have been ones that are really... You know, you take a spare pair, so I'll take a lightweight pair, and then I'll take some shoes that are really on the way out. Really. They haven't got much left in. And then on the last day of the holiday, I'll just leave them at the hotel.

Oh, brilliant. Don't have to carry them back. I mean, you really feel like you've got one over on the world. I bet you look lovely on that holiday as well. What a great tip. There you go. I know you'll follow that one closely, Emily.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. One of my favourite other life hacks, which I hope you'll be a little bit more enthusiastic about, is the post-it note to clean the keyboard on the computer. What do you think of that?

Shut up. Yeah. So, you know you get all those bits in between, and it's very hard to get in there. Slide a little post-it note through it, sticks all the dirt and the grime sticks to the gluey surface of the post-it note. What do you think of that? I'll tell you what, I don't know if it works.

He didn't say he liked it. He won't give me any praise for these life hacks. I will. Because it's taken me somewhere else. And I'm not sure if this would... But one of my least favourite small things in life, because obviously there are

big things one doesn't like, but small things, is post-hair cut, when you get that itchy around and no matter how careful they are with their cloaking there's always a bit gets down the back of there yeah now i wonder if if that would work on that if you could get a yellow sticky as i as i would like to call it and um and just go over the neck and collar. Sort of give yourself a scrim, almost. Like, scratch it down. A scrim, I've never heard that before, but yes.

You know a scrim, don't you? Is that the guy that does the Radio 1 breakfast show? No, a scrim is like the rubber blade on a handle that one would use to clean windows. Is that a scrim? I've never heard that before in my life. Get out of here. But I'd come round yours with a lint roller. I'll tell you what I discovered recently.

Speaking to a TV chef, and I never knew this, but you know when you buy cling film in a roll in the box? Every time I pull the cling film, the thing comes rolling out. Yes. And I end up standing there like I'm paper in the wall. There are two little things at the end of a cling film box that you press in. Two little tiny panels.

And you just press them in and they pop like that and then they hold the roll in. Do you know I'm going to discuss that with Heston tonight? Don't discuss it with him after what he did to me. You're honestly going to see Heston tonight? Yes. Hmm. I'll give you a note. Honestly going to see Heston tonight? Yes. Hmm.

I'll give you a note. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text us on 81215. Follow us on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. And you can email us directly through the Absolute Radio website. Yay! I've started doing that without the written thing. And it started so well. But the further I'm getting from the written evidence the more worthers you're getting but at my age it's good to keep your brain active

it's better than getting one of those little computer things that one imagines Jamie Lee Curtis uses on flights I'm going to get you one of those phones with the huge numbers on them thank you very much we've had some lovely texts and emails from our readers

you were talking earlier about one of your life hacks Thank you very much. We've had some lovely texts and emails from our readers. Lovely. You were talking earlier about one of your life hacks, which was bring some revolting shoes on holiday. Shoes are on the way out. I never use the word revolting. You've added that. Yeah, I wonder why. And then you spend the entire holiday looking awful,

and then you just leave the shoes there. Yes. Well, it seems that one of our readers agrees with you. We've just had this in from 537. Hi, team. I used Frank's shoe tip on a holiday to Japan a few years ago. I climbed Mount Fuji in my old comfortable shoes and left them in the hotel room bin.

A few days later, at home, a parcel arrived from Japan, the shoes cleaned and accompanied by a nice note from the hotel. They're lovely. They're marvellous. So efficient. They are. We've also had, hello Frank. Can I just tell you something? When I went to the World Cup in South Africa The World Cup.

The World Cup. England I felt had played so badly that when I left my hotel room, I left three England scarves and two England t-shirts. I just left them in there. I thought, I won't be needing those again. And absolutely correct. Did they send them back? No, did they, hell.

I kept trying to lose a ceremonial plate they gave me in Sri Lanka. I was with the ambassador, a high commissioner, I do apologise, and they just kept sending it back to me. They wouldn't let me leave without it. It's so hard to offload the ceremonial plate. I find that.

I've got one in my head. Hello, Frank. My boyfriend serves his old, worn-out boxer shorts to take on holiday and bins them every day. That's a brilliant idea. Lovely for his girlfriend. I'm guessing this is two people in a long-term relationship. Yeah, you might be on the nail line. No, that's a good idea. Lovely for his girlfriend. I'm guessing this is two people in a long-term relationship. Yeah, you might be on the nail line.

No, that's a good idea. Is that a good idea? That's horrible. Hey, no, that's a really good idea. I've been on the road since Wednesday. I could have considerably lighter luggage if I was dispensing pants every day, couldn't I? Yeah, next time I go on holiday with my girlfriend, I'm taking Barry McGuigan.

Neil from Watford says, similar to Frank's shoes, I have holiday pants. He's put holiday pants in brackets. Yes. I don't know what that means. No, I think that's really... It's a good way of getting rid of things because you leave things lying around the house for ages.

I'm thinking maybe all the odd socks I've got. I don't know how it happens, but in my sock drawer, there's probably 30 odd socks I've got. I don't know how it happens, but in my sock drawer, there's probably 30 odd socks. Yeah. And maybe I'll just wear those for a fortnight's holiday. That's good. And discard them. I like to look the best I've ever looked on holiday.

My cleaner, I remember, was going to Ibiza for her holidays, and she had her nails done. She's doing all right for herself, isn't she? I like to look after my staff. Not on Saturdays. Olive oil. Olive oil, I'd recommend. So she had her nails done before she went away.

Maybe you're familiar with this, I'm sure, our assistant producer is. But she had, yeah, so the first nail was yellow, and the next one was orange you know this and then yellow and then orange and i said they're nice she said yes sun and sand oh lovely friend it is sun and sand well i never oh as i said earlier i'm brilliant so um anyway oh no I'll tell you what I want to talk about this morning. He's one of my obsessions. Oh, yes.

Shia LaBeouf. Yes. Are you familiar with the work of Shia? Well, you know what? The only reason I know Shia LaBeouf is because... LaBeouf. Is that how you say it? Shia LaBeouf.

Yeah. Is that... We've mentioned him on this show before. I don't think I've ever seen him in anything. I think he's... What's the biggest movie he's ever done? Well, what's interesting is what he did recently, he watched all his movies as part of a sort of art house experiment,

back to back. There were 29 of them in total. Oh, right. 29 of the Critters. He watched them back to back. He's not in Critters, is he? He had a light, probably. How old is he that he's made 29 films?

29. He's 29. Yeah. Do you know who he does it? He's won for every year of his life. I don't know. I think he was a child star, wasn't he? Yes.

Is that right? I didn't know that. Well, he was in Transformers when he was very young. But you see, the thing is, I realised, I hadn't seen, I thought, how many of these movies have I seen? One, which was Wall Street Money Never Sleeps, which I did genuinely fall asleep in towards the end.

Oh, that's odd. Especially as it's called that. Yeah, only one I've seen. Have you seen any of his films? I think I've seen... I wouldn't know Shia LaBeouf if he walked in here now, I can honestly say. Really? Even if he walked in in La Lubbock.

Would you recognise him in the street? He wouldn't be shy about it, would he, if he was in Lubbock? Certainly not, he couldn't get any shyer. Very good. Well, I recognise him more for his madcap eccentric behaviour, because this is what he does. He's got previous, hasn't he, Al? Yeah, I recognise him because I think he was in the papers a few years ago. Maybe we covered it on this show,

for scrapping in a New Cross pub that my mate lives round the corner from. So it was sort of one of those weird ones where I go, I know that pub. I'm really warming to it. He chased a homeless man down the street after his McDonald's. Or trying to get his McDonald's. Trying to get his McDonald's, yeah. He's a character.

My first thought in that is, how did he get the McDonald's? I was once on New Street Station, and a homeless man, God bless him, came up to me and said, oh, can I have a bite of your burger? And I thought, hmm, how do I handle this? Is this one of your bit of a git moments? It was a real... This could be a life hack, because I wanted to share with him,

he was a homeless man, but I didn't want him to have a bite and to feel heavier than when I handed it over. So what I did I tore a piece off and gave it to him. That is clever. There you go, life hack number 17. This is Frank

Skinner Absolute Radio. So Shia. Well, actually, we've had a text saying, Frank, you might have seen him in the film Constantine. He plays Keanu Reeves' young assistant. Hope that helps. Is that about the Emperor Constantine? Have you seen it? I don't think I have seen it.

Or is it about... It's not about Leary Constantine, the West Indian. Well, I have to say, he's... Constantine isn't on this list. Maybe they didn't do bit parts. Perhaps he... No. Perhaps he just went for major roles. He went for the main ones.

So he sat in a cinema and he watched every film he'd made. Every film he's done. And they showed his reactions. He laughed, he cried, he ate popcorn. He walked out at one point. And how long does it take to watch every show? Three days. Straight through. I think it's a chunk of time,

yeah. He wore a parka. Oh, fair enough. Quadrophenia, was he? I remember, it was the guy, famous American comic. You know that, Do You Believe There's a Man on the Moon? It's about him. Oh yeah, Andy Kaufman.

Andy Kaufman. Very good. Andy Kaufman did a gig once and the audience turned up and he read The Great Gatsby all the way through. Did he? Yeah. This story made me think though. Almost bookable. I think they should make Frank do that. Oh, I love that.

Frank watching The Brits. Hello. Can you imagine seeing your reaction? And the best, Al, what if he watched Fantasy Football and all of Unplanned with David Baddiel? I don't know if they still exist. I think we had them burnt after that. I mean, just imagine. I think I've had six stand-up DVDs.

OK. I say DVDs. Obviously, a lot of them were on VHS. In fact, the first one, I think, was audio with a court artist illustrator. But imagine sitting through those. Could there be anything more excruciating? Because every gag that didn't get a good laugh would be like having a piece of glass...

I'll say your eye yeah yeah um for you so when he's sitting there i suppose because i don't know i'm presuming they're not comedy films but if you're watching it if it was comedy and you were watching them not laughing oh you were there in the midst oh but that's why i'd enjoy it if you don't mind me saying and that's why i think i mean children in you don't mind me saying. And that's why I think... Meanie. Children in need, they should have done that. I don't want to see Gino De Campo in a sequined waistcoat.

I want to see you having to watch all your oeuvre. OK, I'll do it. Thank you. I pay two grand, FYI. I went to a Laurel and Hardy all-dayer. Oh, yeah. Oh, didn't you see them live? Which was, it was eight hours of Laurel and Hardy

movies. It was organised by the Laurel and Hardy fan club, which is called the Sons of the Desert. I don't think it was organised by Harvey Goldsmith, to be honest. Yeah, we got one of those party organisers from Knightsbridge.

Now, so I just went as a ponta. And what was brilliant about it was that the guys, the organisers, they had to stop after a bit because they sat watching the films and just before Laurel or Hardy said something, they said it. So they were going with Laure Lauren and Hardy through the dialogue, but just ahead of them. Ah.

So, I mean, I am able to do this with a lot of the short films because I've watched them over and over and over again. A sort of Rocky horror approach. So there's a bit where Oliver Hardy says, didn't you have an uncle once? And he said, yeah, but he fell through a trap door and broke his neck. And he said, was he building a house?

He said, no, they were hanging him. So that's... Quite dark material. Just as it's coming, just as they were saying it, so you'd hear, didn't you have an uncle? They just did.

And they had to stop the thing and say, everyone was complaining about them, and they said they were really sorry. They were such nice guys, about six of them. And then we started again, and they started doing it again. They couldn't do it. And in the end, they had to leave. They couldn't watch their own Aldea,

because they just couldn't, they couldn't not do it. I wonder if Shia was doing any of that. Transformers. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I understand that Shia was watching the films in reverse order, so he would have started watching them close to his actual age and then gone right back to the child version. Oh, OK. It's a bit back to the future. What's impressive is that he responded, from what I could see,

to the actual movies. He was sobbing, he was laughing at the films. At no point, as far as I could tell, was he going, Oh, my God, I'm so old now, and look how young I look in the next one! They all mean different things to him. If I was watching my career and they showed Bring the Noise, and I'm going, oh!

I'm remembering the chest bump, you see. You're thinking of a different thing. Oh, Shia. He's a strange, he's a bit of an eccentric character. I tell you what I did like about this whole idea is that people were queuing to get in. You couldn't go in until someone came out.

It was like Yeezy's collection. And it's like a bar I used to go to in summer. But it's... I got that. What I like, it reminded me of when I... You don't have to go in at the beginning of the film. Oh, yeah. I may have told you before,

when we used to go to the cinema as kids or teenagers, the films, there was no checking how long you stayed or stuff. So you didn't bother about the start time. You just turned up at any time, just joined the film halfway, and then you'd stay to watch the beginning of it up to where you'd seen it before. Weirdos. And then you'd,

are you with me, Sarah? This is the youth. So you'd watch the last hour of E.T. Frank, you don't need to speak louder to her, okay? In fact, it's quite the reverse. She needs to speak louder to you, darling. I can't reach her tragus from here. That's a relief.

So, yeah, so you'd watch the last hour of E.T. and then you'd go and watch the first 40 minutes and mentally you sort of cut and paste. You could say it's where cut and paste started. Mental cut and paste, certainly. Next week on

How We Used To Live. Yeah, next week on How We Used To Live. Next week on How We Used to Live. Twelve dogs walking around the street on a cockney. Always carry a little pinch of salt in your pocket. Exactly. To throw at someone. Yeah, if someone attacks you. That was a thing, wasn't it?

Someone asks you for your bait, as my dad used to say. I love the sound of your dad. The more I hear of him. Because that's what it was. People would be carrying... Was his name John? He was, yeah. John Francis.

But you'd be... Oh. His idea was if people were going to work with their lunch, people used to stop and steal their lunch from them. I mean, this is a different time, isn't it? To be mugged for three sandwiches. Yeah.

Oh. I have another thing I wanted to say about Shire. Go on. But before I do that, we've had a message from the outside world. Okay. Saying, it's called Tra... Is it Tragus, by the way? It's called Tragus.

This is Chris in Eastbourne. I remember a local DJ used to slightly press his Tragus in his own ear so he could hear us. P.S. I know the show's recorded, so I'm not sure why I'm writing in, lol. Now, that, to me, is a tactic to make sure you get read out. Yeah, you're right. You're so right. Because if I say that,

they'll read it out to prove they're not recorded. And we walk straight into that one. Oh, no. Oh! It makes me wonder, though, can I say off the back of that, that old folk singer thing of pressing in your tragus. Yeah, maybe.

I wonder now what they're trying to get some sort of internal acoustic. Shall I use the phrase, can I say off the back of that, to Heston Blumenthal tonight? Yes, I think you should. I'm not even... He's genuinely hurt me. What about that? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Here's a story that is close to my heart, Frank,

and I think may appeal to you on some level. The Pope has been in the news this week saying that parents should turn off smartphones, computers and TVs at mealtimes and eat at the table with their kids for a better family life. And I don't know about you, but whenever I think about family life, the first guide I go to is the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church. Certainly.

He knows a thing or two about it, doesn't he? What? Not! Well, he grew up in a family, Alan. Let's not get ugly here this morning. I'm only teasing. I think the Pope is right. I like this Pope.

That's my ringtone. It's just me saying that. That or I'm brilliant. No, I think the Pope is right, but I have to say, it's not something we do that much at home. Oh, really? In fact, I read this in the paper yesterday.

I like this topic. It's gone a bit Eamon and Ruth on this morning. No, but... It's not something we do, love. My mother-in-law and my sister-in-law were around the house and Cass was there and stuff. And I said, I'll tell you what,

why don't we just have lunch all together around the table with bars and stuff, which I wouldn't have said if I hadn't read this article. And did you? And we did, but I never said to them, because the Pope says, because I thought they might rebel. And was it nice? I snuck in a bit of domestic Catholicism and no one knew. It was lovely. It is

nice. Making bread. Obviously watching the elderly eat is a strain, but I was prepared to pay. But Sandy tolerated that, didn't she? Making bread. Obviously, watching the elderly eat is a strain. But I was prepared to pay. But Sandy tolerated that, didn't she? Yes, she did, exactly. But yeah, I do. And I do. I tell you what I worry about.

When you're at airports or something like that, and you see... Oh, in the lounge. I know what that's like. Oh. Yeah, well, wherever. And the family is sitting together. And there's, you know, mum, dad, blah, blah. And there's one boy at the end who's probably 13 or something,

and he's just on a machine playing, and he's just not, he's like on his own in this world of, I don't know, whatever they play, Candy Crush. A gadget. Yeah. And I do, I tell you what I yearn for, do you remember, you ever watch any sci-fi films where people are at home watching the telly and suddenly the telly goes... Yes.

And this alien face comes on and says, Citizens of Earth, you are under... If the parents could get one of those. So he's there and suddenly... Nathan, it's your parent. Come back. Just suddenly appeared on the game screen. I think that's true. You have to teach these things to engage,

because they won't otherwise. I absolutely agree. I won't let my kids have screen time at the table, because I worry that the volume of the gadget will drown out my shouting that I like to do during each meal, and I don't think I should be superseded. Well, I'm worried that he might miss the occasional one of my punchlines. Oh, here we go.

Let's get to the heart of the matter. How different we are, it's get to the heart of the matter. It's just been illustrated. You know, the Pope did say, this is not a family, this is a pensioner. That's right. What did he mean? He meant the child was becoming isolated,

like a little pensioner. It's a really funny thing to say, isn't it? It is quite, yeah. This is a pensioner. This is not a family, this is a pensioner That's the new M&S logo I have noticed that Boz has started buying bad slacks At the Daily Express

Yes So you like that, Popey? Well, I like I worry about that Yes. So you like that, Popey? Well, I like... I worry about that. I mean, one of the problems with this, I think if we're going to encourage this communal meet... Because, Isa, that's the time when the family talks about their...

You know, what's worrying them, the good things and all that. I think maybe we should lift the embargo on talking with your mouth full. Oh, no. No way. Absolutely. But you're a fan of that, are you? But you consider... It's an immovable point. You consider mixed messages of saying, yes, we'll talk together at mealtime, but don't talk with your mouth full.

Yeah. I don't know. No, I can't negotiate on that. That's a non-negotiable one for me. That's a real deal-breaker for me as well. Oh, really? Disgusting. What about if we all dined with a small table tennis bat that we held in front of our mouth? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'd be fine with that. Okay, that's that sorted. But then you'd be spraying, one side of it would be covered in bits of food from when you were telling an anecdote. Yeah, but I'm thinking of something that was you know, covered in maybe formica decorative laminate so you could wipe it. I didn't realise you thought it through quite this much. Well, I hadn't, but I'm thinking of something that was, you know, covered in maybe formica decorative laminate so you could wipe it. I didn't realise you thought it through quite this much.

Well, I hadn't, but it's still fermenting. Sometimes, when we touch, when we go for our post-show brunch, put insight into our lives there, I find we all sit around, the phones get whipped out. I find that rather sad I've got to say Daisy she's not here today so let's lay into her

she is the serial offender she I find is always I'll say what are you doing I assume it's a work email I'm looking at photos of Jermaine her partner I mean you're going to see him in half an hour we're entertainers we're here You've only got half an hour

with us. Make the most. And every now and again, everybody will have their phone out at the table except me, and then I'll say, shall I get my phone out, guys? I don't remember that. No, I don't. You're getting your phone out. No, I don't. I don't remember you taking any high moral stance on it. I take a high moral stance,

and then I reluctantly get my phone out. I love your moral stance. It's the slight bend in the left knee. That's right. I hate it when you go, oh, I am Spartacus. You've never done that. I have. But once, I find that once one phone comes out, then all the phones come out.

The others all follow. You think, oh, it's the phone thing. Yeah. And sometimes, you know, when you get a bit bored with conversation, you start sharing people photos off your phone. I think the Pope was in a funny mood. I know, I say, are you bored? When they get the phone. You think the Pope was in a funny mood? Get out. Yeah, because he was talking about, um,

oh, you know, the, the gadgets at dinner and dinner is a time for families to communicate with each other and there's something very bonding about dinner. Does he mean supper? No, I think he kept saying dinner, but I got the feeling from reading it that he might have just been hungry, like, and dropping hints to the people around him. Hey, a bit of dinner wouldn't go amiss. Maybe he was like a house guest.

I just need to know... You're not sure what time the people are eating. I don't think he's a big eater. Well, if he's saying dinner, though, please... What? Please let it be an evening meal he's referring to. I called lunch dinner for the first nine-fifths of my life.

Yes, I got CSE grade three. And I still occasionally lapse. And I've noticed that Boz, my son, occasionally says dinner of lunch. And he hasn't got that from me, so maybe it's a tribal root. Next. says dinner of lunch and he hasn't got that from me so maybe it's a tribal route next frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio do you remember i had an idea for a restaurant called um je Suite. Je Suite, which is like Just Sweets. I was thinking, you could have, based on that Laurel and Hardy one,

you could have Sons of the Dessert. Oh, yeah, excellent. Supposed to be a bit sexist. Mm-hm. We've had a text saying, Hi, Frank, Alan and Em. Ree phones around the table. What you do is put all your phones face down

in a pile on the table, and the first to check their phone pays the bill from Phil. That'll cure you, Al. I'll tell you what, I'd never buy a meal again. What I'd like to do is find out when Al's having his next meal out and make sure I call him.

Oh, I'd have a lot of missed calls if there was a round riding on it. That's a strange missive. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan and the team, I've been listening to your show for the last year now and was just thinking to myself, what's the remit? Are you supposed to be informative and interesting? Love, 854. Why have you read that out? Is that nice? Well, I didn't know whether that was a compliment.

It doesn't feel like a compliment. Oh, is it not? No. Oh, she's ruined my day now. Oh, Frank, I'm sorry. Slightly sour end to the show. I genuinely thought it was a question. Oh, actually, they've put, anyway...

They've put a kiss, and they like the show. They've put, anyway, love the show. Yeah, love the show. I mean, we don't normally read praise, but... Why didn't you read that bit out? Well, I didn't see that bit. We don't normally read praise, but on the emails that seem nasty up until the point they're praised, I think we can make an exclusion.

Yeah, exactly. That's what... Stop, you're both siding against me and I won't have it. No, no, siding against these guys. You know that song, A Spoonful of Sugar Makes the Medicine Better? Don't hold back the spoonful of sugar. Okay, given

now that you've had the sugar, what do you make of that? What is our remit? What is our remit? Do we have a remit? I think we're a public service, aren't we? Okay, fine. Today we've provided entertainment and life hacks. I thought a remit was when you put your gloves back on. It's very good. So, I imagine the sales of dry sacks will go through the roof after this, won't they?

Yeah, you'll be like when Delia Smith used to say, oh, I like these saucepans, and then you couldn't get them the following week. They sold out. I'm a tastemaker. It's a bit like when Frank mentioned the daddy saddle. Exactly, yes. You can't get one for love nor money.

I'll give you love to Heston later, Frank. Actually, could you give him this x-ray? Thank you so much for listening this morning. And if the good Lord spares us in the Craigstout Rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

We love you all. And love, let's face it, is very, very important. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.