The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Life of Carbs

Episode Date: July 27, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has performed at Latitude Festival and received an unsatisfactory review from a friend. Frank also has a TV mystery that he wants solving. The team discuss the new PM and the Queen's handbag.

Comedy legend Frank Skinner is back on stage with his first stand-up show in four years. I think a man of my age saying my girlfriend is sort of on a level with a man of my age saying my skateboard. Live in London this June at the Edinburgh Festival in August and touring across the country this autumn. It's what I would call an Elton John joke. It's a little bit funny. Book tickets now at frankskinnerlive.com This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. We like that. It makes us feel interactive and like we're all one big loving radio family. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. We like that a bit less, but we don't hate it. The thing is, at Frank on the radio,

we only, our only reservation, when I say our, I mean mine, it feels a bit more modern. At Frank on the radio, but it's fine. I don't judge. And email the show via the Absolute Radio website is the other thing. Obviously that's, I'm agnostic on that. You know they're stopping likes on Instagram?

Are they? Which I think can only be a positive thing. Is that the Upturn Thumb? Yeah, they're trialling it out, I believe, in Australia. I think Upturn Thumb might be a different social media platform. I think a like on Insta is a love heart. Oh, is it? Oh, yes, I've seen.

I think the Thumb might be a Facebook guitar. No, but I'm trying to encourage him. Or YouTube or, I don't know. Some body parts, both internal and external. From the digit to the awful. So from now on, you'll only be, and I think they're going to bring that here. So from now on, you'll only be able to view your own likes,

but other people, they won't be displayed to the world. The idea being that it's sort of encouraging, you know, bad things in the youths. I don't... In terms of self-esteem, apparently, because they compare each other's likes. Oh, right. There you go.

That's good to know. OK. The end of likes. If there are any young people who do get bogged down in that... Bogged down? I bet he gets a lot. Has he still got the safari suit jacket? I imagine he'll wear that in memoriam.

I was just going to offer some sage advice to young people that do get caught up in the my friend has got more likes for their most recent post than me. May I recommend stoicism? Yeah, try that. Civic duty there. Are you giving it your heart or your thumb? I'll give it both.

Okay. Yeah. Now, it's... I can understand that, really, people being hurt by lack of likes. Well, I know. I feel as we all are. I can't imagine as comics you would approve of this.

Well, I mean, a laugh is a like. It is. Yeah, yeah. So I don't want them to remove that completely. God knows I've done my bit to try and keep a lid on it. But, no, I think that's interesting news, I think. Okay. What about retweeting?

Is that going to go? No, we'll still have that. It's going to cross all the modern lingo, aren't you? I love it when he says retweeting. On the occasions I look at people's Twitter accounts, if you got rid of retweeting that, there would be scant places indeed. Yeah.

So a lot of it is I'm having that. A lot of it. That is the philosophy. Well, I mean, we can't encourage that. Well, I've got a Pasqualian. But you include. That's considered bad form, isn't it? You can't steal

the material, but you're paying homage to the person by including their handle. Yeah, that's true actually. They're credited. I think Frank's argument is that in real life he prefers a person who has original thought rather than his

constantly cool thing. God, they're a pin on the ground. They are indeed a pin on the ground. But, you know, you never know where you're going to find them. You could be on a ferry

having a mac and cheese on a ferry and a bloke next to you says something like, have you played the Ground Dogs BPD? I love that. And you think, whoa. You know that moment when a beam of light goes across a room and two people connect like that.

You notice it's just a bloke I'm talking to about music. In the old days, it would have been some fabulous woman, but that's gone. But now it's people who I actually can talking to about music. In the old days, it would have been some fabulous woman, but that's gone. But now it's people who I actually can talk to. It's lovely. We live in hope. Of course, we may have already met the last person we truly connect with.

Samba? Absolute Radio. Frank's case game on Absolute Radio. Dear's Case Gimmes on Absolute Radio. Dear F.E.N.A., this is from Gary and Saffron Walden. Oh, yes. One of the last Garys. Yeah. The dying Garys.

I'm not saying that you're dying, Gary. It's a horrible thing to say. There was a news thing. There are no more Garys have been born, I think, for at least two years. They're on the dwindle. Last week, you spoke about the theme tune to Mr Bean and also regularly mentioned the series Some Mothers Do Have Them. Do we mention that regularly?

Yeah, we do. We say, little me to Jabber. Pretty much on a weekly basis. That is true, yeah. I hadn't really picked up on that, but yes, you're right. Are you guys aware that the theme tune for Some Mothers Do Avum is Morse code for Some Mothers Do Avum? No apostrophe, obviously.

Do you see? Unsure if this is a big moment. Praise redacted. Gary Mantle. Well, to me, it sounds like it might not be true. OK, can we get some boffins working on this, please, in white coats? I used to use that theme tune in snooker halls. Did you?

Because I found if you play a snooker and you go... WHISTLE BLOWS WHISTLE BLOWS WHISTLE BLOWS WHISTLE BLOWS And then leave it, just carry on playing, within a minute, or sometimes it could be two or three minutes, you'd get... WHISTLE BLOWS For someone who didn't even know they were doing it, Just carry on playing. Within a minute, or sometimes it could be two or three minutes,

you'd get... For someone who didn't even know they were doing it, but you'd planted it in their brain. Oh, OK. Someone could confirm. I don't believe that. Sorry, Gary, I'm not saying you're lying, but I think you're buying into a bogusness. Urban myth.

Yeah, I think it's an urban myth. One of those urban myths. I don't know, I've never heard it before. Okay. I'd be very happy to hear that it's true, but it doesn't sound right to me. Not to Frank. Well, we've had a...

We haven't done an idiotic eureka moment on this show for a little while. Well, we sort of stopped them, didn't we? Because we got fed up with them. I think the quality deteriorated a little. Inevitably. You know, it's like TFI Friday. We keep doing it. Ooh.

That's just an example. That came out of nowhere. There's lots of other examples, I'm sure. Yeah. I try to pick one a little further from home. But so what it is, the Eureka moment, is that you realise something that most people realised a long time ago and you've only just got it, basically.

And the example I often give is that sooty and sweep are both references to the chimney sweeping business in their own right. Yes. And I never realised that until I was... Oh, didn't you? Well, until someone wrote in and said it. No, I never got that.

Well, we've had an email entitled the ultimate idiotic eureka moment, question mark. Morning, gang. I believe I have experienced the ultimate idiotic eureka moment question mark morning gang i believe i've i believe i have experienced the ultimate idiotic eureka moment yesterday i was riding the circle line in london the large conurbation in southern england and i was tracing my route absentmindedly on the map on the inside of the carriage and said out loud oh look this line goes all the way around just like a circle all right as the words came out of my mouth, it hit me.

More idiotic than Eureka, I think. Anyway, I still feel disappointed in myself. 24 hours later, praise redacted. Stay cool. Damn. I suppose the ultimate one would be something about realising what Eureka meant or something like that. But that's certainly a goodie. I mean, a strange one is the district line,

because you'd think they'd all qualify to be called the district line, in that they go in and out of districts by their nature. Good show. It's the way that West Brom's nickname, the West Brom, West Brom and Jalby in the football team, their nickname is the baggies. And people say it's because they used to wear baggy shorts. But, I mean, everyone did.

It would be hard. It would be really hard. There is another theory that it was, they used to pass around a leather bag for money because they hadn't got turnstiles, so it was like a free fringe. That sounds right, though. I can imagine that.

I think there was a big... It was the formative years of the colostomy bag and a lot of them invested thinking it would be a time-saver in industrial West Midlands. Again, that's my own theory. I had one myself this week at an idiotic... Did you? I don't know if it quite qualifies.

Oh, what was it? Well, it's borderline. I was watching a lot of stuff about the new prime minister. And a word... Strange late night viewing. A word they used a couple of times was combative. And I have always said combative. Oh, dear.

A bit like competitive. Yeah. Uh-oh. And now I presume I've just made that up, combative. Yes, you have. You've still got the Crack Shownu jingle. Yeah, boss. You're chilling, boss.

I think I've been saying that wrong for 25 years or more. Yeah, I'm afraid so. I mean, the good thing... First of all, I felt disappointed with myself. And then I realised, well, this does suggest some level of status that no-one's corrected me over that period. So every cloud... Yes, you say that, Frank, but once, when you were at a dinner party

and you got something wrong and no-one corrected you, do you remember... I was furious. What did you say to them? Why did you laugh at that? Well, why did you laugh if you didn't get the reference? Yeah, that was a bit... Yeah, why did you laugh?

It was actually quite combative of you. It was. He's so combative. Or was it combative? He's so combative. There's a fabulous thing on... Do you know Gumball, that cartoon? No, I'm sorry.

There's a thing on that. I don't really watch many cartoons. There's a song that he does about... He says imagine it instead of imagine it. It becomes a big thing. What the other child says, there's no such word as imagine it. Then later they join in the chorus

and then they're disgusted with themselves for having said imaginate. It's a bit like that. Combative. Okay, I've just been discussing the plot line of a cartoon. Sorry, it won't happen again. Okay. On Absolute Radio. I had something to say to you about combative, by

the way. Oh, go on. Combative. Yeah, I just think... I think combative, or how would you say it? Combative. The made-up word. Yeah. I think it sounds right. Because I think something about combative sounds...

It sounds like there's something missing. There's a missing syllable. It's like I'm in... It's just ifative sounds, it sounds like there's something missing. There's a missing syllable. It's like I'm an... It's just if you compete, it's not competitive. I'm a fan of... Are you oriented or are you orientated? Oh, I tend to be oriented, but I used to be orientated and then someone condemned me and I went to oriented.

OK, fine. And now I'm just worried about orient, so now I don't say it at all. I'm just lost. Yeah. OK, anyway. But it's great. I love that language.

Yeah, we love a bit of language. Sorry, Frank. Back to you. I was at Latitude at the weekend, which is a festival. It's not French for attitude. No. I was there too, I thought, Frank. You guys.

I went to the festival. No, as you know, one of my things... Was this on Sunday? You spent Saturday and Sunday together. Dream team. If Room 101 is brought back with a younger presenter, and I went on it as a guest, one of the things I would put in is middle

aged people telling me they've been to a festival. Because they don't know how embarrassed I become. Yeah. When they say, oh is that, it's usually, what's that one where David Cameron used to go to, what's that one? Is it Wilderness? Yeah. Yes I'm going there next weekend.

It's usually, yeah we were at Wilderness. Yeah but you're going there professionally. This is true. They'd say yeah, we were at Wilderness. Yeah, but you're going there professionally. This is true. They'd say, yeah, we were at Wilderness. Oh, the Lighthouse family were absolutely... The Lighthouse family. I get so embarrassed, I can't breathe. I think that... And it's always one, so yeah, we were at Padlock.

We talk, I don't... Leave me alone. Oh, she's got to go, but don't tell anyone. But there's only, you're right, there's a few of them, they go to the Bowdens, as I call them, in the stripy tops, but they won't go to Reading. Come on, have

some guts, go to Reading in the mud. I mean, I recognise it, before anyone texts in and says, well, actually, I recognise it's completely on Joss, but if I'm embarrassed, I'm embarrassed. I can't say I'm not embarrassed. I just am.

And I'm not saying this should be a cut-off pipe for festivals or anything like that, but, you know. No, that would be age discrimination. It would. It would be very hard to enforce that legally, I'm sure. Yeah, but you probably could enforce it legally. You think so? Yeah, you could have...

You know that thing that when you take kids on a ride and they have to be able to stand onto that thing to see how they're over a metre high? Yes. You could have that with the curvature of spine to keep out the middle age. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The sheep, of course, are pink at Latitude, did you know that?

All of them. Yeah, they used to. When I went to Latitude first and Formosa, they used to have several pastel shades, but now they've opted for outnouncing. The Fuchsia. Very controversial, the fuchsia. I've heard there was... Very controversial, the fuchsia sheep. Yeah, I've heard there was trouble on Twitter about it.

Is that an animal rights thing? People said it's cruel. So maybe they won't go back to the fuchsia. Oh, lovely. I heard someone, Frank, say it was very cruel. But the word... Very cruel. Yeah, very cruel.

I mean, very. I'm anti I don't like my sheep pink I like them a bit better cooked no what's cruel about it is it

damaging to their skin yeah but I mean natitudes have confirmed that apparently it's all natural dyes

and it's perfectly fine you'd imagine that wouldn't you at that attitude quite sure would anyway they look great

anyway I hope it doesn't hurt them I don't think they'd use they're not going to use Wouldn't you at that, did you? Quite, yeah. Sure would. Anyway. They look great, anyway. I hope it doesn't hurt them. I don't think they'd use... They're not going to use, like, you know, bleach or anything like that. I mean, they're not going to go Karl Lagerfeld on them. No. God rest his soul. But presumably someone will eat them eventually,

so they won't, you know, they won't put anything on that's going to damage the... Flavouring. The motton. Yeah. Yeah. How dare you. They're a motton protective latitude. I think that's one of their banners.

Well, that's why I went. Yeah. This year's motif, I'd say, because they have the sheep every year, was the tail. There was lots of people with tails. Did you notice that? I didn't like that. No? What kind of tails well um do sheep have tails they have little little little they're often obscured by excrement i've never had a really good look at the sheep's tail

they have sort of it's more of a fluffy ball what's what's the technical term for a rabbit's tail? It's one of my favourites Oh, good question Oh, do you know it? Yeah I don't know It's the scot What a lovely word It is, it's a great word

My dad was saying he was poaching once And a rabbit went down the hole And he grabbed it by the scot And pulled it out right by the tendons Or whatever they're connected to That sounds quite your dad I would say that's a very frank and sad thing to do, isn't it?

What if I gathered some tails by local wildlife and then sold them at Latitude for people to wear like that, still with a bit of gore and tendril? I can see you as one of those at Latitude sales. Yes, I'm not saying obviously I'd ever do that. I love animals

in all their manifestations. And as Gandhi said, you can judge a civilisation by the way it treats its animals. Is that what David Gandhi said? That's what David Gandhi said. Because he doesn't do the carbs, it's very important to him how the meat is kept preserved. Oh, he's good looking now. See, I noticed I didn't have to specify is kept preserved always good looking now

see I noticed I didn't have to specify which Gandhi I was talking about there Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

by the way speaking of music which we rarely get a chance to do on this some of you may not be aware of this

but we are we are across all the channels on Absolute Radio so we're on the decade channels as they call them, like 80s, 90s, you can guess the rest and it means that different music is played in between our links so I can't talk at length about something we've just played because a lot of people haven't just heard it on their channel. Yeah. However, when I was at Latitude, Tom Grennan was on stage.

Oh, I don't know who that is. Now, Tom Grennan is a young bloke with a beard who I hadn't heard of. Sounds like a Coronation Street character. I tell you what, Tom Grennan is in the factory. Yeah, exactly. So,

he was on stage and like I said, I'm with my seven-year-old. He, after two songs, says, Tom Grennan is brilliant.

I love Tom Grennan. He couldn't get the Tom Grennan out. I had him on my shoulders which, now there's a middle-aged man at a, I say middle-aged, Tom Grennan. He couldn't get the Tom Grennan. I had him on my shoulders. Now, there's a middle-aged man. I say middle-aged.

That's if I live to 120. But I had him on my shoulders, which gets a little harder every day. But, you know, traditionally, bloke festival, someone on shoulders, he's supposed to be a topless woman with a bit of body paint

that's what he's supposed to be not some kid going Tom Grennan anyway he then

plays a song and Buzz says to me that's the Premier League song I said what and this other

bloke said yeah mate you're right it's the Premier League song and I didn't recognise that

even so now that's the new thing with us. Tom Grennan. He's Grennanised. Well also, just while we're on the subject of music, Graham Robinson has messaged us to

say, with a link for the Some Mothers Morse Code, it's true. Oh. Well, here's to you, Graham Robinson. Lovely. Oh, well, here's to you, Graham Robinson. Lovely. Oh, they're dropping off me like windfall fruit, Mr Harris. I know, Mrs Baxter, I notice. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15, if you will. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I love that I've got that regular thing to say on the hour.

Oh, do you, darling? It makes me feel like Bob Hope advertising beans on a live TV show in the 1950s. Something like that. Just like that. It makes me feel just that little bit of corporateness, the company man. It's your equivalent of going into an office. Yeah, I suppose it's as close as I'm... Having a lanyard.

Largely, you don't twang for the mouse, do you? Largely. No. Oh, lovely reference. The only times I go to an office now is if I've got one of those tiny cameras that you pull out to take photographs of documents that I'm looking at. Oh, right.

While the man who works in the office appears at the frosted window and I have to hide. Weirdly, this didn't stress me out before you told me how much it stressed you out. Doesn't it stress you out now? No it does now yeah. I can't watch films with that in it. I watched a version of it

on Stranger Things this week and I could feel the stomach and the muscles going. I saw it on something on Netflix and I had to turn it off It was awful. Oh they're coming! Rifling through documents I could see silhouettes at the window. But they don't even seem to be.

We're real alacrity in there. You know, they don't seem to be really rushing, even though they are putting their life on the line. Nevertheless. Frank, just so you know, with regards to the Queen tribute band... Oh, yes. We've had some suggestions, actually. I think Ian Angle suggested Queen Bee.

Yeah, but has he made that up? I'm actually looking for... Ian Angle is a pond person. Yeah, there is a very good Queen Tribute... He says it would be a good name if it's not already taken. There is a good Queen Tribute Band called the Bohemians, 548, has said, and also I believe... 442 has suggested them as well.

And 442. Yeah. 856, Frank, we've just bought tickets for We Will Rock You at Birmingham Hippodrome. Oh. April 2020. It'll be going on tour later this year, I believe. Well, that's all turned out rather nicely, hasn't it? Lovely timing. It's everything in this business, I believe. Well, that's all turned out rather nicely.

Lovely timing. It's everything in this business, of course. I know. It's not everything. No. No, it's everything. And I know, seeing as we've wandered down Idiotic Eureka moment lane, or cul-de-sac temporarily this morning,

Lucy from London, I share this, Lucy. I only just realised... Lucy from London would be a good name for a shop. Maybe online ladies' garments. Lovely. Garments. Are you being served? Mr Humphries. I only just realised

that the silent witness is the body, which I shouted out loudly in front of my in-laws whilst it was on telly. Oh, that is good. I didn't know that. I'm still actually mind-blown. Yeah, me too.

That is a good IEM. Did you know that? That is good. Silent witness is the body. Yes. Yeah. Hush my mouth. That's a good one, Lucy.

I did not know that. I wonder if that is better than this one that we had emailed in, you know, my Friday night trawl where I read the emails. Hi, Alan, hope this reaches your Friday night troll. Recently I experienced what Frank and company would refer to as an idiotic eureka moment. I find myself embarrassed about it to this day.

I was cycling to work as I live in Copenhagen. So when in Rome... Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen. So when in Rome... Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen. Quite confusingly they say, well I live in Copenhagen and so when in Rome, but they mean their cycle because everyone in Copenhagen does.

On that particular morning I felt completely done in. Maybe it's a cockney. I was done in. I was wondering if it was because I was cycling against the wind. Cycling against the wind. I was wondering if it was because I was cycling against the wind, but I found it difficult to tell whilst riding at pace.

Thankfully, shortly thereafter, I noticed that the flags above a company headquarters were flying towards me. I was so pleased with myself that I had discovered a new purpose for flags to determine the direction of wind rather than flaunt a company logo or display national pride. And then the idiotic eureka moment kicked in

and shame crashed over my existence in an awesome wave. Cheers, Joseph in Copenhagen. You look a bit baffled, Frank. Is it because flags are to determine wind direction? Yes. I have to say, that hadn't struck me either. I think that is what they're for. What about bunting?

Yeah, I think that's more decorative. Oh, OK. What about those flags that you get at jousting tournaments that have got like a snake's tongue? I love it. I miss a joust's tongue. I love it. I miss a jousting tournament. I love those in my childhood. I haven't been for ages.

It doesn't mean that long, actually. It's about 18 months. Much less, yeah. It's a jousting tournament. I must dust my lance off. Yeah. Well, I know. Leave it, leave it, dear.

Leave it, dear. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. By the way, I did a gig. The reason I was at Latitude, I feel I should point out, I wasn't there being a middle-class person. You were working. Sure business, not sure friends, innit? Yeah, so I did, exactly.

So I did... Wow. not sure friends in it yes so I did exactly so I did I did a gig at the comedy tent there can I just say somebody saw you nine five nine saw you for the first time at latitude last weekend absolutely brilliant well I know we don't like praise but come no but you see that's what you're supposed to say you've got it absolutely right. Who was that? That was Sarah.

Sarah, you've got it spot on. That's what you're supposed to say, even if you don't believe it. Whereas Richard Curtis said to me after, that was very, very amusing. It's not enough. Sorry, Richard. It's a lovely bloke. Did he really?

Lovely bloke. He saved the world, but not enough. Very, very amusing. Sorry. He probably thought two verys counted. He saved the world, but not enough. Very, very amusing. Sorry. He probably thought two verys counted for enough to... I know, but I know he did. I know what he thought. What about what I thought?

What about what I felt? Can I just do some... Just with the sort of middle-class interpretation of that, that is him saying... That's an absolute superlative. Look, if he'd have stood behind me and pinched those fleshy bits under my armpits, it wouldn't have hurt any less than very, very amused. If I'd have said that comic relief, Richard, it's really helpful.

Helpful. Anyway, he's a lovely man, but it ruined my drive home. Well, can I say, I saw Baz, and if this makes up for it, he was so proud. He said to the man, and not that the man wasn't laughing and enjoying it, but, you know, he's got a lot of people to get through, and Buzz was just tapping him on the shoulder. What man?

One of the men, one of the crew men. Probably had an Absolute Radio T-shirt on. Okay. And Frank walked on stage and he had his hands in the air and he got a massive cheer. And he did actually. And Voss said, Do you know that's my dad?

Oh. Come on. Excellent. Come on. I only ever said that if there was three police cars outside at home. Here's a mystery. I've got a mystery. And I love a mystery as much as Nancy Drew.

Oh, yeah. But I taped... Do you still say taped for a TV show? You still say taped. I taped a TV show called Inside the Bruderhof. Oh, yeah. And it's about a community who live in Sussex, I think. Oh, yeah.

And they are, I think they're Presbyterians or something of that nature, but they live a completely separated life from the modern world. Yes. I think. I don't know, I haven't seen it. And the reason I haven't seen it is I taped it. And so I sat down last night and said to my partner, I said, this will be good, I taped this last night,

inside the Brooderhof. This will be good. I taped this last night. Inside the Bruderhof. I put it on and it was The Truth About Carbs. What? Even though it said, even while it was playing, it still said underneath it, Inside the Bruderhof.

And I thought, well, what? I thought they can Bruderhof. So I look back at the thing and it says, you get like a little picture and there is Inside the Bruderhof. Click I look back at the thing and it says, you know, you get like a little picture and there is inside the Bruderhof. Clicked on it again. It was still

The Truth About Carbs. So I went to BBC One. You know, you go to that night and I thought, I'll have a look. Maybe it's recorded for some reason.

And it doesn't exist even though it was on. It's not included in their catch-up. Do you think they've pulled it from the schedule? I think there's been some sort of big Bruderhof cover-up. If anyone saw inside the Bruderhof, if it actually went out, please let me know.

It's the Bermuda Triangle of Shecheney. It is. Even worse, he'd sat down with a massive bowl of crisps and ate sandwiches and then he had to watch The Truth About Carbs all the way through. Actually now the Bermuda Triangle became a thing that people talked about when I was a young man if people

read out a conversation. Yeah, it's true. But before I knew about it I was once drunk on my own in a pub and a lovely family came in of two or three generations and they started talking about the Bermuda Triangle and I felt I wanted to join in

and I said, well I saw it I was reading, I had a magazine once there was an article called Three Women from Bermuda and then I suddenly realised I couldn't complete and it was a terrible moment even in drunkenness I felt the terrible awkwardness

you know what, I feel it now still to this day 615 has got in touch I feel that we need to share this this happened to us, I'd read an article about it promoting the show, we were discussing how you tried to record a particular documentary inside the Bruderhof didn't get it, And you ended up getting

Life of Carbs. First thought iPlayer wasn't working, so husband set up TV to record the programme to watch it the following evening instead, but the recording was also Life of Carbs. What are they trying to hide? I don't want to watch

the Carbs autobiography oh exactly this is your life Carbs jacket potato 615 has also invented the hashtag what happened to the brooder half that's going to catch on yes and I

there seems to be some mystery gathering about the brooder half because Emily just thought I'll read a review so then we'll know it went out. After Bruderhof. And what did I get?

Fact. Error. Sorry, page not found. So I went to the review in the Telegraph, page not found. Something very fishy

is going on. I wonder actually if you've got as much entertainment out of wondering what's happened to the Bruderhof as if you'd watched it. Well, I mean, it might have been terrible. It much entertainment out of wondering what's happened to the Bruderhof as if you'd watched it.

Well, I mean, it might have been terrible. It might have been the best thing I ever saw. I would watch a documentary on Netflix called Seeking Out the Bruderhof, Frank Skinner, One Man's Quest. Yeah, would you watch a documentary about cops? No. I wouldn't watch Jacket Potato, This Is Your Life.

So I believe the BBC Have been They've been cornered On this haven't they Why it wasn't there The Bruderhoffs Yeah Yes

They said Oh I feel like This is a McCarthy trial It's not like I was In the witness box Yeah Have you ever Are you or have you ever

Been a member Of the Communist Party No Okay Alan No Not the way I'm going Have you ever, are you or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party? No. OK. Alan? No. Not the way I'm going.

Frank? Oh, dear. Yes, apparently the excuse or the reasoning... Yeah, excuse I liked. OK, the excuse. The excuse the BBC gave was that the news at ten overran. OK? Oh, yeah, somebody else has emailed saying it was cancelled as the news overran, apparently.

Something to do with an apparent heatwave. A lot of apparentlys. A lot of suspicion. A lot of apparentlys. What, the Brood of... Their rail's buckled. Well, anyway, the BBC are keeping it from us one way or another. Secrets of the Broodhoff.

I can't wait to find out more. I've got a confession to make, actually, Frank. When I did Latitude, I did a talk at Latitude, and I didn't stay in the accommodation you stayed in. Well, I tell you, can I tell you something? Yeah, go on. Because we stayed at, I have to say, a fabulous place called 5A Caban.

Yeah. Nice. A B&B. But as the man said, well, it's a bit more of a B&B, actually. Is it? I thought, OK, sorry. Right.

But they said, yes, well, your friend Emily Dean is arriving tonight and I thought I don't think she is I think she was here last night so yes they were waiting for you when? on Saturday or Sunday?

well I think both nights they had your breakfast order form waiting to be filled in. Oh, no. I mean, it was... Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, but it's quite personal that they told you.

Emily Dean inside the Bruderhof. It's a recurring theme this week. I tell you, I had a problem because I thought I'd have to take Raymond the dog. I wasn't sure whether he was being booked as well. He's Australian now. Well, they had a dog. Oh, I could have brought him. Well, I panicked. I wasn't sure whether he was being booked as well. Well, they had a dog. Oh, I could have brought him. Well, I panicked.

I don't know. I panicked and I had to change accommodation. Oh. I think they had a big dog though and you've got a small dog. I could have worked out. Do you remember that thing on, I think it was on Look North

in the days of live television. They had a competition to find the biggest dog in the north and the smallest dog in the days of live television. They had a competition for to find the biggest dog in the north and the smallest dog in the north and they got them both on air together and the biggest I don't know if I can tell this on Breakfast

Radio. Sounds like a great YouTube clip though. Well it was live telly, I don't think it exists but anyway, let's say at the end of the show, there must have been another smallest dog in the North. Thank God it was in black and white in those days. Took some of the horror out of it.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can I just say I was discussing a bit of, well, non-broadcastable gossip with Al, and he did something which you don't often see, Frank, in this day and age. He rubbed his hands together in anticipatory glee. Oh, yes, I can imagine.

Gossip does that to people. Yes. I mostly don't like gossip, but, well, it's a bit of fun. Absolute lie. That's our new channel Maybe what I meant to say is I think I mostly don't like gossip but turns out I really do

Yes it's a tremendous lure So someone said of you rather amusing Very very amusing Make it even worse Rather amusing I want those people rather amusing. Very, very amusing. Don't make it even worse. Rather amusing.

I want those people, the people who ran the B&B, who said, oh, your radio colleague, or whatever they referred to me as, I wish they'd been working with me there at last year, because when I did my talk, she was very nice, the woman, introducing me,

but she said, oh, hi, and she came backstage just before, you know, with a pen and notepad, and she said, so what's your name again? Oh. What? And I told her, and she said, oh, yeah, and she said, so tell me a bit about yourself.

Well, so she could introduce you. What is this, The Apprentice? I mean, I thought, yeah, I didn't know what to say. I said, well, I felt like I was being interviewed for a job. Couldn't you have made a load of stuff up and then she'd have read it out? No, I did. I told her briefly. I was very nice.

I said, you know, I work on the Frank Skinner show and I've written a book. And as she walked out of the trailer, I went, Google. I did. Well, I went to Emily's talk. I didn't know he was there. Didn't you? He crept in. It wasn't really. It was in a field, Frank.

He crept into a gig of mine recently. He's getting a little bit of a creeping in habit. It's the sort of Egon Roney reviewer approach. Don't let them know you're there. And then you get the real service. Little creep. But Emily did a thing which

was very, very funny, I have to say. And when I say I have to say very very funny I have to say and when I say I have to say I mean I have to say no no it was very very funny it was very amusing and I'm not a big dog person very very amusing is what he said stop trying to make it even worse

so I'm not a big dog person but you know I like dogs. And what Emily did was she got people up from the audience to do their dog voice, i.e. the voice in which they talk to their dog was a very good idea, I thought. Thank you, Frank. Indeed. And I realised, having watched like seven or eight people doing things like, ooh,

what are you doing with your mummy's sleeper? That, it made me think of two things. One, that the way we spoke to our dog was, come on,

get over here. Nobody had a dog voice in our house at all. And the other thing was, it reminded me that I ended

two relationships because they, the women suddenly adopted baby talk. I don't like that. Alan's got a dog voice, Frank. I mean, we had had babies, to be fair. No, we hadn't. We hadn't.

But the one that sticks in my mind is, I know West Brom lost again. No! No! No! So, a little tip, anyone out there listening, don't do it. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I've got a bit of news on the Bruderhof. Ah, good. The Bruderhof. The only person on any radio station in the world to say that. Maybe Radio Sussex. There's been a fire there.

I wonder if they've got the radio on in the Bruderhof. Do they allow radio? Good question. Perhaps we'll never know. Outside world, yeah. Do they fear the outside world, the Bruderhof? Well, we don't know because the BBC have suppressed them. Well, Stephen has emailed us saying,

Hi, Emily. I don't know why it's being directed to Emily because I've read it. But, hi, Emily, the news overran because our new PM took office. Apparently, it's being aired now on 7th of August. Oh, see, they've got... Who's this character, Stephen? Just bear with me. I'm just going to put a save the date for the 7th of August.

Well, I am. And thanks for the news about the PM. Yeah. What I would say is that that is quite a lengthy gap between scheduling. What's happened is the BBC have thought we'll put it out when people are on holiday. Yeah. So they won't watch it. Stevie, can you explain this, riddle me this,

the sorry article not found? Oh, well, that's just... Well, to be fair, I'm with Stevie here now. If it was cancelled, then the Telegraph would have probably thought, well, we don't want to put a review out before, when it hasn't gone out, so we're going to hold that review. Yeah, yeah. Come on.

Why don't you and Stevie go on holiday together and hang out with the Bi-Li-Hop? Well, because if we go out on holiday, the normal industrial fortnight, we'll miss the broadcast of the show. Good point. If it happens. Okay. I mean, they were already putting it out at something like 11.40 at night. Why not just, why make it if you don't want to show it?

I know. That's what I'm asking you, BBC. Stevie, I am grateful to him for bringing up the subject of the new PM because I thought we should discuss that this morning. Well, when we're not discussing obscure cults in Suffolk, we'd like to do the hard-hitting top-line politics stuff, don't we? I don't know if they're officially a cult. Oh, aren't they?

Well, I don't know. I haven't seen the programme. Stop asking me about them. Oh, maybe we can Google... Oh, sorry, page not found. We should discuss Bojo and his new job, shouldn't we? Bojo, yes. De Feffel, I'd call him Al,

which is what his friends and family call him apparently don't they? That's right they call him Al because his real name is Alexander Boris I never knew that

is the middle name Boris Alexander De Feffel Johnson what is he? De Feffel De Feffel yeah P-F-E-F-F-E-L

that's that's very good isn't it? Posh March I don't think it's really headline news that he's posh, though, is it? I should say that the Fez is on the desk. Maybe we should, the Fez is on the desk. The Fez is on the desk.

Maybe we can get a middle-aged woman with a BBC 1940s accent to sing that in a sort of... I'll do it. On the light programme. I'm middle-aged. Take that back. young as you feel etc the fez is on the desk

the fez is on the desk that's the new jingle so that means we've that means shut up Frank that's what the fez means Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Text us on 81215 Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio Email the show via the Absolute Radio website

You like doing this bit though You told us an hour ago By the way, He loves that bit. Tom Grennan Oh yeah. Very big in our house. One of the things he said, I forgot this bit, at Latitude

was he did a couple of numbers. He's going well. Lovely voice, etc. And he looked around on Do you know that thing about you just said that out loud? Do you know you said that out loud? Yeah. That trope.

Yeah. He looked around at it. He said, I wouldn't mind headlining this in a couple of years. And I thought, don't say that on stage. Say it to your agent. Right. Okay. But good on him for just coming out with it.

Oh, I love Grennan. We were talking about... ..Alexander Boris de Pfeffel-Johnson. De Pfeffel. Known as, um, Al to his friends. Er, and his activities this week. What about... ..Abraham de Lacey, Joseph Casey?

Oh! Does that ring any bells? Abraham Delacy. Is it Joe someone? Joseph Casey. Okay. Thomas O'Malley. Who's that?

The alley cat. Yes. Yeah. Abraham Delacy and Joseph Casey. Yes, exactly. So he got sworn in by the Queen this week. They have this strange language, don't they, that they say the Queen has asked him to form a government.

Yeah, exactly. Unless she just called him up. Would you, how do you fancy forming a government? Yeah, out of what? Okay, so, yeah, it's very... And they have to kiss her hands, don't they? Well, yeah, there was... I thought he over-bowed.

Did he? There was a picture of him bowing to her. And he was really... I mean, he was stooped. I think he does everything a bit much, though, doesn't he? Yeah, maybe. Was he as stooped as we were at Latitude Festival in terms of old people at Latitude? Was it that kind of stooped as we were at Latitude Festival in terms of old people at Latitude?

Was it that kind of stoop? It's the first time that he's ever kept a low profile in any situation. But he's really, I mean, he's so humble in front of the Queen. Was he in the road sign for old people crossing ahead? I think if you'd have put a spirit level across the back of his head, the bubble would have remained central.

Well, I have a feeling that the Queen was doing some material. She was doing jokes. Was she? She said to him, I don't know why anyone would want the job. Yeah. And I thought, hang on, that's the beginning of a bit of stand-up.

I used to do some stuff about, I can't believe anybody wants to be Prime Minister. Maybe she's seen it on YouTube. She's gone, I can't believe anybody wants to be Prime Minister. Maybe she's seen it on YouTube. She's gone, I'm having that. Oh, I hope not. Did you say about

being mad, say congratulations on your anniversary, you get less for murder. I did wonder if actually the Queen says that to everyone that she meets.

She's the only people who are forming a government. She's talking about her job. Maybe she means her job. I don't know why

anyone would want her job. Yeah. Because the best job on earth is being the Queen, surely. Why would you want to work? What about if Jeremy Corbyn... What is his job? If Jeremy Corbyn gets it,

she'll say, I don't know anyone who'd want the job. And he'll say, well, I think I can really help people and bring social service and all that.

And she'll go, I suppose so. I suppose so I suppose like that sort of thing I wish she had said I don't know why anyone would want a job of any description but she did have well we'll get

on to this but I I believe she was wearing the bag I mean you've all seen the bag the Lona handbag yes she's had the bag. I mean, you've all seen the bag. The lona handbag. Yes. What is it? She's had the bag. She's apparently had that bag, I believe, for 50 years.

What they used to say about the Queen Mother. I don't know if it was true. What they used to say about my wife. The Queen Mother is an early adopter on the bag for life. Oh, ow. Well, you're absolutely right. That's not life in the royal family. So are Prince Philip.

50 years. That's their adolescence now, as royal family women. Blimey, they're like the Old Testament figures. You know when people say, oh, I've had this a long time, I've had this since. She wore that handbag to meet Nixon.

Does one wear a handbag? She wears a handbag. Oh, very much. These days you do. It's an accessory for her. She was wearing it indoors. But the handbag acts as a form of code, which we'll get on to.

Does it? Mm-hmm. Ooh. I wonder if there was one inside the brew dock. I didn't see it. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Just before we return to Boris Johnson,

461 has just texted. I feel it's my professional obligation to bring this to your attention, Frank. Just to say an opportunity missed last week, Frank did a funny Unity Mitford aside that it appeared only I laughed at, not returned to later attention, Frank. Just to say an opportunity missed last week, Frank did a funny Unity Mitford aside that it appeared only I laughed at, not returned to later at any point. Oh, embarrassing.

I know you want to hear that. I do. There's nothing worse than doing a joke on this show and it being missed, and then it's nice to know that somebody has heard it out there. Someone out there laughed. That's brilliant. Yeah, there you go.

Thank you very much. Who was that from? C. Just a guy called C. Or girl. Okay. 4-6-1. Thanks for getting it, C.

I'd like to talk... We were talking about the Queen's handbag. A handbag? A bag. Which is what that elderly actress once said to my mum's stage manager friend. I'd love a handbag. And he said, if you're going to get any line wrong in the play as Lady Bracknell,

you can't get that one wrong. You had one job. I think that's right. Now, this weather especially, because I've been going, you know when you go out and you don't have a jacket, so you don't have enough pockets. And I know there is a man bag, but the man bag has always been a figure of fun,

if a bag can be a figure. It's a bit Mario Balotelli, isn't it? Yeah. A man bag. It's a bit Simon Shapps. Yeah. It was the only bloke I ever knew who is a theatrical agent, and he carried a man bag fearlessly

but I love, I mean I know you can have a knapsack and whatever but just the idea of a handbag is just where you're stuffing, it's brilliant It is a bit a first team coming off the coach though those sort of bags

the wash bags there's a lot of internet conversation about oh nice that's what they should be about what the Queen has in there

my first guess is in mints I knew that she'd have mints in there are you wrong Paul Stiltskin my first is in mints yes

I just I had a sense that she would be a person that wants minty bread maybe for the Boris meeting Mace

yeah a horseshoe. She's a comedy character. I'd bring along some serum for the hair. I want to get my hands on the hair. Serum? It's got lovely hair, but it just needs a bit of product. So she has mints, you'll write out.

She has reading glasses, a fountain pen, so she has mints you'll write out she has reading glasses a fountain pen and a hook yes an S shaped hook for to hang it up

garrotting people no to hang it up she just takes that book right out she carries the hook in it I did wonder do you think she's got a little handgun

the Queen well Elvis of course Elvis used to have a derringer down the white stage boot yeah i've had one of those since john wilkes booth and uh i think what i love about that is the theory was if elvis got shot on stage he would he would imagine the jumpsuit, like, you know, Red Stan. Him lying up on one elbow on the stage, firing randomly into the audience,

trying to get them done. Health and safety nightmare. Also, people who really love him. That's who'd be there. Where are you? Come on, you're out there. Elvis, stop shooting. Get back.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about the Queen. And when we're not, we're discussing... On a handbag. We've had 650 texting, thank you for raising Budahofgate, Frank. Is it Budahof? I think it's... Budahof.

Budahof, yeah. I too saw this was on in the newspaper preview but have been unable to trace it at the time where indicated. You've lit up the switchboard. There's something gone on there. I don't think it's just Newsnight overruns. No.

So how long was the life of Cobbs then? That's shorter than Boudin. So it would seem. I don't know, but it feels like a lifetime. Right. So the Queen's handbag, she apparently has a form of sign language with her aides, and she uses it to signal information.

It's kind of a code. So she'll have things like, apparently, if she puts it on the table, that means she wants to go within five minutes. Okay. This was from Hugo Vickers, the royal correspondent, I think. Okay. He's not a royal correspondent.

He's more of a sort of Peter York type, you know. If it's... Do you know Hugo Vickers, the royal correspondent, I think. Okay. He's not a royal correspondent. He's more of a sort of Peter York type, you know. If it... Do you know Hugo Vickers? No, but... Thanks for the... That was the text I sent to Emily when she was going to see... What's he called? Richard Coles?

Richard Coles. Hugo Vickers because question mark. Okay, so on the table. Yeah, so on the table that means she wants to go. She's had enough. Yeah, she's really had enough now. I think also opening the bag

is a sign or shifting it between arms because she has it in the crook. So if she shifts crook, from left to right, that means save me. Get me out of here. What does it mean if she puts the handle in her teeth and looks like a dog?

What's that mean? It means she's joined Frank's S&M community. Yeah, that means she goes with the royal people who are going to her home and are never mentioned ever again. I worry I'm going to be one of those who's like, with this show I'll just not be on one day and you'll never talk about me again. Can I add a couple of...

Watching this as a comedian, I had a slight worry with... I think it was Boris's opening speech when he talked about, about the... Is this a dispatch box? I know his House of Commons, his address. It's before the House of Commons. He said, as you know, my thing is to deliver Brexit to unite the UK and to defeat Jeremy Corbyn, he said. But someone point out that deliver, unite and defeat is not the ideal acronym to launch a campaign.

And then he said, it spells Dodd. And I thought, no. I thought you've lost me now. Because that suggests terrible disrespect for the audience. It was a good joke, an acronym, because you work it out for yourself, and then suddenly you think, oh, don't tell us, don't spell it out.

Lack of trust for the audience. Yeah, I don't think that's the real him. I think maybe an advisor said, if you're going to do the dud joke, I think you should explain the dud joke. Someone said that to me, they'd be fired on the spot. Bear that in mind, noted. And then... I didn't like

the E. What, for energise? Yeah. No, I just don't like the E. He made it dude. Oh, did he? Now, did he say dude? I had a horrible feeling he might be one of those blokes that say dude. He said dude. But then it went back to another,

obviously politics is mainly posh blokes, it went back to another one and he said, oh yeah, he said it's like watching The Great Lebowski. And I thought, no, it's The Big Lebowski. Oh no, The Big Lebowski, oh no. Don't pretend that you like things that ordinary people like.

You know, politic people only know about politics. The great Lofowski. Like that film, The Big Escape. Oh, exactly. Oh, don't get it wrong. Or Alfred the Big. Well known English king.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I have a question. I think you might know the answer to this. Al, I hope you won't be offended. I just think this is his area. Oh, yeah. It's to do with money.

Oh, well, he has got more than me. That is, I think, an incredible fact. I've got more than anyone in this room, dear. Come on. Just facts. He's earned it. Not born into it, earned it. When the Queen carries her handbag, she never carries money.

Oh yeah. Except when, Frank Skinner? Well, that's going to be Sunday. Except on Sundays when she gets rudely awakened by the dustman. Put it in the plate. Lovely work. How much? I think she puts a fiver, doesn't she, on the plate lovely work how much?

I think she puts a five doesn't she on the plate correct sometimes a tenner is it really? I wonder how she decides do they not have a card reader at the church? is that like

is that a thing? well a lot of people now they do gift aid ah so the actual yeah but her face isn't on gift aid but it's

that's true it's a bit like Frank putting in one of the assigned 10x8s. Putting in a flyer. I'll tell you what, the handbag thing. I urge anyone who enjoys YouTube clips that are just... Strange demographic. But I don't mean like you know viral rubbish I mean there's one called amazing anti-theft security case and it's it's an old

information film about the these cases that stopped it from being stolen if they're carrying valuable documents and you see this blow please check it out amazing anti-theft security case. The bloke grabs this guy's attaché case and immediately the handle tightens so that he can't put it down. And then three sort of struts come out of the case that are about four to five feet long.

And he's just trapped with this strange spider-like attaché. I mean, it's a brilliant... If the Queen's Brief thingy, handbag, has got that. I'd love that. Can I tell you what I love about amazing anti-theft security, Kate? Go on. It sounds like a fall song. Yeah, it could easily be that, yeah.

In fact, if someone asks me, what's your favourite fall song, I'm going to say that. And they'll believe me. It does sound exactly like that. Did you notice the Queen had a Dyson fan? Oh, yeah, one of those modern fans that don't have fan blades. Did she? They said it was the £500 model.

Is she doing all right? She is, yeah. She might have got it free. You're welcome. He might have sent it to her as a promo. From Singapore. Yeah, people were noticing, saying, oh, the Queen's got that fan.

I mean, why didn't someone move it? It's product placement, you see. This is the problem. I mean, she was one of the original influencers, I think. Opinion former, I should say. Yeah, definitely. I know everyone was wearing crowns in the 50s after the coronation. Certainly at Christmas.

Yeah. I'll tell you what, there was one of my favourite things that ever happened surrounding the Royal Family. There was a breach of protocol, which I'm always... Protocol? If ever I start, it's so 70s protocol. Yeah, it is. I imagine there was a company called Protocol in the 70s.

I don't know what they would do exactly. But it's such a brilliant word. But you're not supposed to say, apparently, what the Queen has said to you. No. No. And David Cameron had done that, hadn't he, before? Well, haven't you broken that protocol

By telling us that she shouted stuff out? No, but he wasn't being asked to form a government No, I don't think I was on that occasion If she had done that I'd have had to have a word with her advisors And suggest that they took her to work I can think of worse leaders I've told you this

David Cameron said that when he told her That the Sc's independence thing had failed that she purred down the line that made me feel sick she purred didn't she

she just put the phone down is what happened Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio 898 has texted please tell Frank that I'm looking forward to his Edinburgh Festival Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. 898 has texted, please tell Frank that I'm looking forward to his Edinburgh Festival Fringe show. And then a thumbs up emoji. That's David Murphy, Perth, Scotland.

Well, David, I don't like to sound self-interested, but if you're there the night before or the night after you're seeing Frank, Alan Cochran is also doing a Fringe show, 9pm, 9.20pm, you're at 9, aren't you? I'm very happy you brought this up, because, can I just get this out in the open? Oh, have you got one as well? No, we're going to Edinburgh. We're all doing a show. We're going to Edinburgh. I will be reviewing content for our listeners. Excellent. We're going to Edinburgh.

Next week, and for the next three weeks, the show will be coming from the Edinburgh Festival in Bonnie, Scotland. But he won't be doing that voice. You're going to ask if anyone sees anything weird that we should go to.

I'm going to ask what I should do because, Frank, your show is at 9pm. Is this right? I think it's 9.30. But you know what? Can I tell you something?

I thought you told me it was 9. And your show was at what time? I'm at 9.20. 9.20, 9.30. Can But you know what Can I tell you something I thought you told me it was 9 And your show was at what time I'm at 9.20 9.20, 9.30 Can I just stop Can I just sidebar Sure Yesterday

I spent the whole day Thinking that I had a gig last night And to the point where I'd had my shower I was getting into my I was donning the motley And We don't want to know about that And then For some reason I thought I was getting into my... I was donning the motley. And... We don't want to know about that.

And then, for some reason, I thought, oh, actually, no-one's mentioned whether I'm... And I had a look, and I had to look at the listings of the theatre. And lo and behold, I wasn't on. Frank, that's like when it was your birthday and I had to double-check the date. I Googled it. But that's fair when it was your birthday and I had to double check the date. I googled it. But that's fair enough.

But I, you know, also on a show day feels a bit different from a non-show day. Definitely. So I'd add all that to no avail. It's not dissimilar to me last week driving to Leeds a night before I was due on. Indeed. What's happened to us?

Although I'll tell you what, the following night I really timed my journey really well. I can see the benefit of a commute. Well, yeah, it's good. It's like walking the course, ain't it? Excuse me, this news just in. Sorry. The boffins have found out.

So Frank Skinner's on at nine. Am I? Yes. Can I just tell you when you're on? I'll tell you both your listings. I think it's 9.30. No, you're not. You're on at nine.

I've checked online. 9 p.m. Assembly, right? Well, look, it's more or less sold out. No, I know, but this is my predicament, okay? Alan, 9.20. Yeah, so if you can't see Frank, you've got time to get your skates on. Pleasance, other side of town, 15 minutes.

Who am I going to go to first? I'm not proud. I don't know what to do. You will, it all will be revealed who I chose, Frank or Alan, on the first show. But we'll be, yeah, so it'll be all about the festival. We'll go and see shows and talk about stuff like that.

I'm going to see Christopher Biggins. Well, if you can get in. Yeah. Or Christopher Gratings, as that bloke who said the great Lebowski

he still got my copy of the Big Gatsby by the way that bloke I'm asking it back off him Frank did you do as I did

that picture of the Queen and Boris there's family pictures in the background and the first thing I did

was make sure that she'd got all of them and hadn't missed any out but they were all there unlike him got a lot of yeah and the first thing I did was make sure that she'd got all of them and hadn't missed any out. Oh, yeah. But they were all there. Unlike him.

Got a lot of... Yeah. I don't know if he's got that kind of wall space. He's got a mate in Mexico who can help out. So the Queen will have to move them if she's on through the keel. Yeah, good point. That's going to be such a good man. I mean, that's going to be, it's going to kill it in one.

It'll be quite a giveaway anyway, though. I love that she wears a bag inside, though. Go for it, girl. No, that's gossip. So, listen. Yeah, so next week, we will be live from the Edinburgh Fringes. Oh, I better pack. And you know what?

If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we will still, though, be back again this time next week. And get out!