The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - LLQJ

Episode Date: February 10, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss the Quincy Jones interview, good deeds and obscure music themes. Frank also had a rather strange experience when he went for a haircut.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Do that small thing. Morning, Frank. Morning. We've had some whatever happened to's. Oh yeah?

I mean, is it a bit soon to be kicking off? No, no, no. Straight in with Hans Hardworld news. There's no chronology of comedy. Okay. Actually there is. I'll use it as a dirty stuff later on. Not on this show obviously but I mean.

Carry on. Do that early on this. So we've had a missive from Al B. Oh yeah, that'll be Mel's brother. Yeah. Who says, whatever happened to, it's a whatever happened to, we're starting off with this morning,

whatever happened to chip pans? Oh. Yes. Now, I... Health? I thought I had a chip pan, but I think you're right. I think I had to...

Not because I was worried about my heart. I was worried more about my ceiling. I think people had to... Not because I was worried about my heart. I was worried more about my ceiling. I think people used to make such a fuss about them catching fire. Yes. I had to keep a damp tea towel at my side at all times. Hang on, was it meant to be damp?

I think it was a damp tea towel you're supposed to put on. It's not meant to be dry. I remember that 70s advice. No, it's supposed to take the air out, isn't it? That's the idea. It stops the air getting to the fire. But I don't know why a chip pan

should catch fire any quicker than a frying pan. I don't know, but I love that we're having a chip pan chat this morning. It's got a higher amount of deep, hot fat, shouldn't it? Because you heat it up for longer, and there's more of it, and it spits and all that.

Oh, it spits. Maybe it sounds a bit homespun. It was very homespun. It was very homespun sounding. We've got one of those modern chip pans that's like a gadget. They never catch fire, do they, though? No, they're self-containing. You have a slight note of regret

in your voice. They only take a drop or two of oil. The ones that rotate, they of oil. Do you know what I mean? Is that right? The ones that rotate, they go round. Do you remember, do people still do that thing where they do chips in the chip pan?

And there was a period where the chip pan hadn't quite become unhealthy enough to be stopped, but people were getting anxious about it. It was the beginning of people thinking about their health. Oh. I think I know what this is. And they used to take the chips out and put them in kitchen roll and just give them a bit of a hoo-hoo-hoo

just to take some of the fat off them. Do you know my mother used to do that with bacon as well? Oh, yes. And it's not unknown for me to do it occasionally. I've picked up her little tip. I've done that with bacon. But it's a very 70s thing, you're right. I remember our dog eating the kitchen roll.

It's probably like, it lived like a supermodel, our dog. Yeah, a bit of roughage. Bit of roughage for a dog. Bit of waffage. Oh, lovely. We had another whatever happened to you, Al? Oh, we're cranking, I mean. From Rupert Jones.

Have you seen this one? I have seen this one. I like it a lot. I'll hand over to you, my colleague. Oh, OK. I like that. I don't know if we've ever done that before. No, I liked it.

Square ball. It's a bit local news. Across the six yards. Somebody in a minute will go, come on, get it up there. People don't like the square ball. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I was too late for the Friday night troll. That's because this email came in at almost ten to six this morning.

I was thinking this week that there's still a lot of talk around climate change, but whatever happened to acid rain? Yeah. Very big in the late 80s, early 90s. It was so big then. Very big. Oh, I always think of the gargoyles. I don't know why. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because they've been corroded. Yeah, I think it sort of

lessened the features of a lot of gargoyles. Now, I have a theory about this. That would have come in handy. I wish you'd told me. I have a theory about this, but it may sound on the hoof. Is that what you said a moment ago? I think I said homespun a bit homespun, a bit lame

I think there was something that we humans were doing back then that we are now not doing and so acid rain is no longer a problem I think there was an effective public information strategy Is it thinking? I think it might have been CFCs. Do you think it was CFCs? Again, I'm thinking fridge. So far I've thought gargoyle, I've thought fridge.

The picture's in my mind. But you hang out with Al Gore, you should know the answer to stuff like this. But of course we were talking about stuff that was up to, that being well back in Al Gore's back catalogue. Acid rave. Acid jazz, what happened to that?

Good question. I bet they went to a similar time, didn't they? A lot of acid back then. There was a lot of acid back then. Yeah. Of course, there is acid now, but it's... Now you see, now I've gone down the road, I feel slightly trapped in.

It turns out the acid then was better. Yeah. Because at least it was just an hallucinogenic drug. It was slightly more benign, yeah. It was, it was, yeah. Anyway, this person continues. Oh, good, thank God. I thought you'd be pleased. Unless they're going somewhere even worse.

And you found a way out. What, they're going on to moped crime? They say, on a side note, whatever happened to Knight's Moves? Do you remember people used to get in touch with Emily? Oh, she got older. That's not what happened. No, I'm going to let that comment sit there. See how you feel about it in ten minutes.

Maybe she did some public rebutting of some and then they just... I'll put it in the chip pad. I'm okay with it, but are you? That's the question, darling. Don't use psychological warfare. Rupert then continues with what I think is perhaps

a folly. Go on, move. Alan is very welcome to stay if he finds himself in West London. He can even nick some of the baby's shampoo for his beard, like what he did at Steve Hall's house. Now that is a good callback to... It's a very good callback. Something that I think I mentioned on this show

perhaps four years ago. I don't think I remember that. But I think if you're going to make that kind of offer, you've got to be absolutely upfront as to whether or not you'd expect any sort of payment. Yeah. Because if there's any doubt, you're not going to get that call.

Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin call. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've heard from the outside world, re-acid rain. 339 has a message saying it's SO2, sulphur dioxide, that caused acid rain. That came mostly from high-s high sulphur coal and oil,

almost all of which has been eliminated or cleaned. Most power is from... Did you say coal and oil? No, coal and oil. Sorry, that's my... Not coal and oil. I don't know if I've had my coal and oil cleaned. No, that's something very different.

That's my bad accent and bad reading, sorry. Coal and oil, almost all of which has been eliminated or cleaned. Most power is from Nat Gas now, which has no SO2. That's from Jim in Fulham. Oh, that's good. Thanks, Jim. So that's gone. My coal and oil is still around. I'm actually self-basting. And slightly more information.

406. Sulphur compounds are removed during burning at the power station, so sulfuric acid isn't formed in the atmosphere. CFCs have been banned and this affected the ozone layer but didn't produce acid rain. I feel like that's me being told off. Two different effects. GCSE physics students will hopefully know this. Cheers, physics teacher here.

Oh, physics teacher, fair enough. Glasses, almost certainly. And also, I love a physics teacher having a dance at the Christmas party. I wonder if that still happens. They're probably brilliant. No, do you think they're good? There was a thing that they would dance and it was like they were kicking a football a bit when they danced.

Actually, I did the one show the other week and they had a feature about a dad dancing championship. I love the one show the other week and they had a feature about a dad dancing championship I love the one show only there would you get I did the one show and I got

some texts from people you know what you do a show and people say oh you were amazing oh yeah they were all just about my haircut oh were they

really that was it there was no mention as to whether I was funny or not. Just, I like that haircut. Or a bit extreme. Oh, really? Yeah. I'll tell you about the haircut.

I was walking down the high street when I heard footsteps behind. Now, I bumped into a guy I know who's a senior figure at the BBC. And I said to him, I'm who's a senior figure at the BBC and I said to him I'm looking for a haircut. I just went out looking for a haircut I didn't know a local barber because normally I get it cut free on television shows and to be honest

I've got a bit of a hiatus. So I thought I need to get a haircut. So I mean I'll be buying my own clothes at this rate. So I said to this guy where do you go for a haircut then as I was speaking to him I realised he was pretty bald

he didn't have much but I thought it's got a bit there he must get it done, he looks very neat now and he said well I'll get it done a bit and my beard trimmed and stuff and he told me this place but I'll be honest the last time I went in there, they were very rude to me.

So you went straight there? I went and I thought, well, they do sound like my kind of people. Yeah, I was going to say. So I went there. If the cat fits. Well, no, I had to take that off. Yeah. And they were nice.

And then he said to me, as they often say when you get to a certain age, you want me to do your ears. Right. And I always want them to do my ears. So what do they do when they do the ears? Well, normally what they do is they get a pair of pointy scissors and they go in. Oh, they trim the hair.

Yeah. Or they might go in with a tiny clipper. Yeah. A bit like keyhole surgery or something. However, on this occasion, he said, OK, he got a small bottle. I assumed it was colon oil. Well, I would have if I'd heard of it at that stage in my life.

It was a little bottle of oil, and then he dipped in what looked like a little ball of material on the end of a wand, of a magic wand. Oh. Like a cotton bud type thing. Yeah, it looked sturdier than that. Right. And then, anyway, then he lit it.

Yeah. And he basically wafted the flame into my ears. Really? Yeah, yeah. I could feel the wax bubbling on the outer. Are you sure this was a barber's? It wasn't one of your friends

in the S&M community? Hold on. No. Otherwise, he wouldn't have only done my ears. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. And I could smell, I could hear the

of the ear hairs burning. Wow. And I could smell it I could hear the... of the ear hairs burning. Wow. I could smell it burning. Yeah. But it did quite a good job, I must say. Did it? Can you hear better? What? No, I thought it was...

Love this. Love this. You can't beat the... Can't beat... And sometimes there's always... For a second. Just for half a second, I think maybe I won't do I love those. You can't beat them. You can't beat them. And sometimes it's always for a second. Just for half a second, I think maybe I won't do it this time. I do it.

Then I do it. I always do it. And then he said, I'll wash your hair. No, I don't like having that done. No. No, it's always me. I don't wash my hair at home.

I like to do it. And then I like to wash it to get all the bits of hair out and stuff I don't wash it and then but I thought well you know I don't know this man

let's break him inject me and I'll tell you what was a tremendous relief to me he got me to lean forward into the sink lean forward into the sink rather than to lean

oh did he you know normally I think I don't know if I've told you before I was having my hair washed this is why I stopped doing it. And it was one of those, they bring in, like, it looks like a small urinal that you lean back into.

A bit Marcel Duchamp. It's getting a lot of nods from the ladies in the studio. And I lean back into it, and the woman was washing my hair. Young, inoffensive sort of a girl. It suddenly occurred to me. I love to be described that way. No, but why I'm saying that is because it suddenly occurred to me

what would happen if she karate chopped me on the Adam's apple. Right. And once you've had that thought, you cannot relax into that situation. So to go forward was much better. I mean, I was still smoking at the ear. I think they had what you might call a scorched ear policy.

Oh, very good. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Let me tell you a little story. I went to see some... Max Bygraves. I went to... I watched a bit of Max Bygraves in an old black and white movie last night on London Live.

Lovely. Terrible. Is that a review of the movie? Late review. It's about 1954. Yeah. To be fair, I didn't give it my full attention. It might have been brilliant.

Okay. So... Little story. I went to see... Do you know James Rhodes, the classical... The pianist. Pianist, yeah. I know of his work.

I went to see him... Your pal, isn't he? One of your pals. Yeah, yeah. So, you know. You discussed on here that you... In as much as I have pals. You discussed on here that you were trying socialising with him, I think.

Yeah, yeah, that's when I was... I went through that thing of thinking, I might try the friends thing. Yeah. It didn't really work out. Done. Anyway, so... But he's a very nice chap and very, very talented indeed.

And I went to watch him play the piano at the Soho Theatre. Mm-hm. And anyway, he did an incredible thing. There's a bloke called Felix Blumenfeldt, who was a pianist. Oh, yeah. And Felix Blumenfeldt was a bit of a player. I don't mean pianos.

Right. He put himself about a bit. A legend. He liked the ladies. He was a bit of a legend. And I'll be straight with you, he got one of the old STDs. Oh, did he? I've said it.

Yes, you have. Enjoy Weetabix, everyone. But I think there's many young people listening. Right. They need to be educated. And anyway, what happened to him was, in those days, the treatments were hit and miss. Extraordinary conversation. He lost all the use of the right-hand side of his body.

Right. Which, you know... Well, he had nothing to fall back on. Anyway, so... Goodness me. But he carried on. What he did, he... Goodness me. But he carried on. What did he do? He wrote a piece.

He wrote a piece with his left hand, I'm guessing. He wrote a piece for one hand, a piano piece. Lovely. And so James Rhodes, he leans his right hand on the piano as if he's leaning on a bar talking to somebody and then he played this incredible piece of music just with his left hand. And he said, you know, the idea is if you close your eyes, you shouldn't be able to tell it's only one hand. And it was amazing. I mean, it was gobsmacked. And at the end of it um everybody went crazy but i i clapped just with my left hand

just so there was no noise it was just and um i must admit i had i uh i i nudged i was with kath and and a friend of ours and i nudged Ruth, who I was with, to show her that I was clapping with one hand so it wouldn't be lost. Something, of course, which Felix couldn't have done. He's nudging with the other arm, days were behind him. And then I leaned across to Kath

and I showed her the clapping. I looked around to see if anyone else had picked up on the clapping and they hadn't. Oh. It was furious. Tough crowd. And I thought, you know, it's such a good joke, this. And so I went back after to see James

and I said, you know that piece you did with the one hand? I said, when I clapped at the end, I did, and I showed him what I'd done, just to get absolute maximum at the job. He said, oh, did you? He said, I bet you looked all around the room to see if anyone else had noticed. See, that's what happens when you get close to people. But I was so pleased with it And what frustrated me more than anything I think

Is that it hadn't got my full So that's why I'm telling it on here Yeah, yeah That's good I don't like things to be wasted No Not things of that quality. We've had an email just now saying,

Morning, Frallum. I was surprised Frank was so keen to alert everyone to his unusual clap. It was that kind of thing that got Felix Watts' face in trouble in the first place. Very good.

It's fine work from Ian Stewart Dutes. That was fine. Felix Blumenfeld applauded that. Yes, that's very fine. But you know, if you do a joke, you want to... Yeah. You know. I was on Good Morning Britain, which I like to do.

I tell you what, I like... Being interviewed on Breakfast Telly by P.S. Morgan is quite exhilarating. Is it? You don't know what's going to happen next. And usually they're quite, you know, so are the interviews. But he's very likely to ask you about,

I don't know, some genocide in the 1970s. Right. But anyway, he started telling me that he'd been at a cricket match. And who was he with? It might have been Sir Don Bradman, but he said he had a list. They'd been talking about the greatest cricketing

all rounders of all time. And he said, I kept that. he said he'd scribbled them down and I kept it as a souvenir and he said it's been a bit of a mess it's got cigar stains on it and stuff and I said I thought you were going to say Cigarfield Sobers Lovely Now, two things

first of all Cigarfield Sobers would almost certainly be on the list of great all-rounders. Even I know that. So, you know, the chances of those two worlds colliding. And I thought, I don't know how many people watching this are going to be really getting how clever

that was. And if there'd been more time, I would have stopped and pointed it out as i am now how soon after cracking the joke did you think i'm gonna do it again on the radio excuse me can i just ask a question is this a hypothetical stony ground in a way well yeah i suppose it is the frustrating thing is you might have heard of cigar field sobers but it's knowing that he would have been on that list that makes it gold. Speaking of which...

Gold. On the joke. Gold! Yeah. Maybe I'll get down and say a little thing up in press. Your own joke's been reviewed by you. No, speaking of jokes... I don't know if he just did that when he was walking down the street.

I actually reworked an Alan Cochran story. What? This week. Now, let me explain. Having that? Yeah, it was... But you haven't done that. I think I dodged the having that accusation.

I was walking to school with my child. I feel stiff with stress, I must tell you. That sounds like a lovely blues song. That ended better than I was. I can't believe. Anyway, I was walking to school and we got to talking

about foxes. We've had a fox in our garden. And then I got to tell a story about when a fox... I parked my car and I went back to it because I left my phone and when I got downstairs there was a fox sleeping on the bonnet. Oh. I mean, my fantasy.

Yeah. You know I love a fox. Purple, free-fee suit. Because it's still warm. No, it wasn't Fox and Bingo. It wasn't Bingo. Oh, OK. So I told him this and he thought it was very funny,

and he said, what about if it had got poo on the car, which is the sort of thing a five-year-old would be their first thought. Yeah. And then I said, well, you know, sometimes dogs roll in fox poo. And he thought that was hilarious, and I said, do you know Alan, who does the radio show? And he said, yes. And I said, well well his dog rolled in

fox poo and do you know where he got it off and then I started to have doubts that I'd misremembered this story but you'll notice that I credited even in that context of Walk to my Child I still credited my source Very good Yes because I'm coming to the fact

that I think I said currently on tour actually actually, when I said that. Tickets still available. Yeah, I said that. I said I think he's doing March 2nd Soho Theatre, I said to him. Leicester Square Theatre. Sorry, Leicester Square Theatre. Oh, my God, I'm sorry, everyone.

It's fine. More stories like that on March 2nd. So I said Alan got the fox poo off his dog with tomato ketchup, which he thought... Did he love that? Oh, man, did he laugh? I mean, he really, really laughed. And people were staring at us, probably thinking,

I guess that's what it's like if Frank Skinner's your dad. It's a life of laughter. Did you press your gold button then? Oh, my gold button was, it was blaring out. But yeah, he thought it was so amazing.

And so I then had lost confidence that I'd misremembered it and it might have been daddy's sauce. No, no, it's tomato sauce. Apparently it stops the smell, but I'm not sure it really works. Oh, don't tell, well, I didn't tell him that. No.

He doesn't want to break it. He doesn't need to know that. Don't break their dreams to her. No, exactly. But your version of the laughter sounds way more fun than the actual act of cleaning. Well, that's often the case. Often the case.

With so much of my material. But it was a... You really, really laughed. It was so well done, Alan. Oh, thanks. You can see Alan at March the 2nd at Leicester Square Theatre. We're all going up. Plug-a-loo-ya.

Should we actually... Oh, should we say we're all going? Why? Well, I can imagine, say, Capital Radio hiring a hit squad. Yeah, true. They'd laugh, wow, they'd give anything to wipe us out. Perhaps we shouldn't travel together. Of course.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. 63 has texted us, Frank. I think in reply to your hairdresser's story. Morning, Frank, Al and Emily. I went to a barber in Wimbledon. Having only minimal hair, needing clippered to a zero, it was obvious the barber was looking for anything to do to warrant the price of a gent's haircut.

After neck shaving with a cutthroat razor... I had a bit of that. ...and eyebrow trimming, I was offered ear, sir. He then used a lighter to, as Frank said, waft at my left ear, which he then immediately pinched to extinguish the flames. A slight smell of burning, but quite impressive. Unfortunately, with the right ear, he must have miscalculated the waft. This resulted in all the hairs inside my ear catching fire. What he needed was a wet tea towel.

Indeed. He still charged the full price, but I didn't tip. whilst repeatedly shouting, sorry, sir. What he needed was a wet tea towel. Indeed. He still charged the full price, but I didn't tip. It hurt for about a week. I have since invested in my own clippers from Ian. Strong work, Ian. I had no idea this phenomenon existed

until it was done to me. I mean, when he first lit the thing, I just couldn't imagine what he was going to do. Marvellous. Very good. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I was... Oh, hold on, the phase has arrived.

How was it? I mean, I'd just be gone. I think it was Karen Carpenter who said... I only know... I think it was Karen Carpenter who said... Had you only just? I'm not sure her song was about being thwarted in an anecdote on a radio link. No. I wonder... Do you think she was a big anecdote? Well, she didn't have a habit of suddenly exclaiming gold, either.

That was more Tony Hadley's game. I'll tell you, she was you know, does a young woman ever look better than when she's on the drums? Oh. She looked, when she was a drummer, you know, she started out as a drummer. She looked so cute. Oh, man. In the way male

drummers, they just look like, they perspire a lot. But something about anyway, already I think, can I say this? I haven't had my sheet of A5 with things that a middle-aged white man can now say on morning radio. So I'm absolutely, you know, I'm just flying blind. Yeah.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had a text that I'm not reading just because of who it's been sent to okay but i think i think the content is key but here's the text alan the only motoring correspondent i have any time for

just i mean that's just and that's the end of the text that's it yeah no no why oh why oh why brackets a la points of view do you remember points of View used to start with Y or Y or Y? Barry Took. Why aren't the screen wash and oil caps as easily accessible as the petrol cap? Well, the oil cap on my colon is very hard to reach. It's true. You need a special device for that. I haven't lifted the body. What are they called?

I tried to lift my car bonnet this week. It took about 15 minutes. What are they called, Frank, those things you put in the oil? The dibbers, I call them. Yeah, dipstick. Oh, dipstick. That's a 70s insult. Dipstick, Emily.

I was only asking. Yeah, it's very Fools and Horses, isn't it? You dipstick rodders. It puzzles me that all the attempts at unique design by car manufacturers has never put them on the outside as yet. Makes no sense that they are hidden away. Maybe Elon will finally figure this out, or do his cars have no need for oil?

And maybe they use that fancy self-cleaning glass. Elon this, Elon that. Can I tell you something about Elon Musk? Can we just say, isn't it great that Elon Musk, who I think is basically a nerd, has now become known without even his surname? He's always the nerd. Do you know this phenomenon when you've never,

you hear something for the first time, and then you hear it ten times in the next three days? Right. This time last week, I'd never heard of Elon Musk. Did you not? And this week, I've read I'd never heard of Elon Musk. Did you not? Oh, man. And this week, I've read everything I look at is Elon Musk. Is Elon Musk.

Elon Musk. Elon Musk. I love a bit of musky. What? He's a bit of an international playboy, Elon Musk. Is he? Yeah. Is he?

Yeah. After his divorce. We'll talk about that off air. Oh, okay. So, Nick Moore. I hope he gets in a scandal. It'd be called Elongate. Yeah.

You don't think they'll go with musk for the pun? Surely there's some work that can be done with musks. I'll leave that in the hands of you two pros. You know what I love? I love it when I can see Frank's little cogs go. The cogs are whirring. I see the little eyes go. Yes.

And the numbskulls start working. And the joke department, which is always on high alert, let's be honest, in your brain, they start working overtime. I'm trying to shrug it off. Okay, you shrug it off. Nick Moore has been in touch to say... I hope that's not his slogan.

Me too. Yeah. Nominative determinism. Thanks for the tip. Security guards in stores will be saying this morning yeah is he a friend of Barry Took?

I love that Barry Took's getting some it's mentioned twice Barry Took lovely for him Nick Moore has tweeted us with a whatever happened to morning Frank

Emily and Al whatever happened to red and white striped workman's huts over manholes you know what I think I've done this as a whatever happened to red and white striped workman's huts over manholes? You know what? I think I've done this as a whatever happened to before.

Usually accompanied with brazier and donkey jacket hanging on a spade handle. That's what I usually wear when I go out the weekend. You have done the huts. Brazier and donkey jacket. Yeah. No, I have done the huts. Jeff Brazier. I think we did jabber about the huts.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I've gone through the pond ceiling. I don't know what's happened to me. Oh, now, see, what's happened is I was thinking we were carrying on and now I've seen the face. Oh, I'm sorry. It's a rhythm thing. You know what I mean?

I feel we've... Well, what do we do now? I'll tell you a story. Okay, Max. Paul Sylvester is the boss. He's our boss, right? And I got a hamper for my... Oh, yeah.

For my birthday, which I thanked him for. And he sent me a text. He says, you're the only person in my life who I buy lemon curd for. I was moved by it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I think we need to talk about Quincy Jones.

Everyone's talking about Quincy Jones. Well, I think it's fair to say... Me and Quincy Jones, we had a thing. You and him. A lot of people singing that. I think... Well, he's been singing this about a lot of people. I think outspoken is a word I'd use with confidence about...

Unfiltered? Yes, I think we should... Q, as I believe he's called. I think we should discuss Quincy Jones while we still can. Yes. While he's still at large. He's definitely unfiltered. He's done a series of interviews.

What did you say? He's known as Q. Q? His daughter calls him LLQJ. That's great. LL for loose lips because he has no filter. Right. I think you'd get on with her. Yes, I think so.

She sounds great. So he's done this series of interviews to mark, I think it's his 85th birthday coming up. And, I mean, I don't know if he's going to have many friends left in the world after these interviews. Some of the things he's been saying. I think it's fair to say there's been headline-grabbing interviews. He's 84.

Yeah. And I don't know, I suppose in the current climate, 84-year-olds have lost that they can say anything they like and we just smile warmly. Yeah. But he still seems to have retained a bit of that. I am... But he's on thin ice.

Well, Paul McCartney, Beatles' worst musicians in the world. We know about that. Paul McCartney, the worst bass player I ever heard. And Ringo, don't even talk about it. Well, this is one of my bugbears. Don't even talk about it, I've said. Don't talk about it. You know we're on radio.

I think he might have... I mean, I like quite a few of his controversial statements, but the Ringo being a bad drummer, I feel like he's a bit little more... He's Gary Oldman's brother. Sister. Gary Oldman's her brother. Also, I don't know about you,

but I sort of feel with musicians that they get to a point where they're good. You know, they're good musicians. And it's brilliant and exciting. And then when they start to get absolutely brilliant um it can spoil it a bit right you know what i mean they start if you get a really brilliant drummer they feel like they're going to do the drum solos and well i read an article um stated that one of the reasons that Ringo Starr isn't considered an amazing drummer by other drummers is that he refused to do solos on loads of Beatles songs

because he thought solos get in the way and that only other drummers like them. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Yes, not massive, though, is it? What's that one? Yes, I know exactly. Never mind the busk hocks.

Like I've walked into the female panellist's role. So many ways. I'll tell you what I loved about that story in particular is that he said he was working with Ringo on one of Ringo's solo albums, I think. Right. And Ringo couldn't, there was one bit he just couldn't get. Uh-huh.

And he said, George Martin said to Ringo, why don't you go out and have some shepherd's pie? Frank, a lager and lime? A lager and lime and some shepherd's pie, yeah. It's just so funny. That's what we all said, too. Can I have a lager and lime? And have you got any shepherd's pie?

Anyway, so... A good impression. So we went away. Did he say peace and love afterwards? And he said, yeah, exactly. He said to the shepherd's pie, I'm warming you... Peace and love.

..with peas and chips. Anyway, I'm choking here. I keep thinking any second now the producer will pass me the water. Well, this is like when a father... In the end, you have to beg. This is like a father in a sitcom when the daughter suddenly says, Anyway, so I'm pregnant.

You're what? Yeah, so they called in a man called Ronnie Verrill to do the drumming. That was the story. Now, Ronnie Verrill was... When I used to have a chat show on the telly, the house band was called the Skinnerettes. Yes. And they were all, how can I put it, people, older men.

Yeah. I mean, older. And Ronnie Verrill was our drummer. Oh, really? I had no idea. Yeah. He also did all the drumming for Animal on the... Oh, excellent.

Oh! And he was brilliant. I mean, he used to do, they used to entertain the crowd a bit before the show, do a couple of numbers, and he would do a drum solo. And he was like, you know, he was in his mid to late 70s,

and he would rock the place. I mean, he was brilliant. I went to his funeral, and there's all these old sort of beatniks jazz guys turned up and they played a bit of music that he played on with the Sid Lawrence Orchestra and as you looked around

you could see all these old guys twitching and you could tell what they played so one was a little just a little bit of bass line going with his fingers it was really pretty I wonder what that cellist was up to I think you could safely say that Ringo would not be as good as Ronnie Verrill,

because Ronnie Verrill, he was a god, a drumming god. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We're talking about... Q. Quincy Jones.

That's who we were talking about. He tells us who killed JFK and then says, we shouldn't talk about this publicly, though. Yeah. Again, LLQ, Jay. Do we believe all of these? I believe everything he says. I googled the full interview.

Was it on Vulture or something like that? They've never had it so good. Yeah, yeah. I can't believe their luck. I imagine I'm one of the many hits that their website has had that will not reappear. But, I mean, a lot. Quite early in the interview,

he gives a hint about his life where he goes, you almost can't believe it there are his words you almost can't believe it and it is a bit strange he's in the middle of talking to the interviewer about big pharma and medication and then he just says what's your star sign

and the guy says Pisces and he goes me too it's a great sign? And the guy says, Pisces. And he goes, me too. It's a great sign. I love great signs. I'm not sure. And actually, Al, I too read this interview and later on, when the journalist quite reasonably presses him on something, because

he's made him think that they're being very open. It's an open forum. And he says, come on, man. Be a Pisces. Be a bit Pisces about it. What is that? What is being Pisces? I don't know that.

And what, is it a great sign? Many years ago. I don't know anything about it. Many years ago, I got a minicab in London. I'm on about 20 odd years. Before the minicab business went through the ceiling. And those are... And then back down again.

And this guy, before Uber and Adelsley and all those, and this guy was driving me. And I said, how long have you been in London? He said, just a couple of weeks. And I said, God, you've picked up the route pretty quick, are you? He said, oh, I'm Virgo. I never owned why that would be or anything, but it's a nice thing to hear from me.

I have a soft spot for Quincy Jones, because on my 40th birthday, I thought I should celebrate it in some way. So at midnight, as I became 40, I got into my car, something I've never done before or since, I went for a drive I never

go for a drive, I'm always driving somewhere but I've heard of people going for a drive so I got in and I put the theme from Ironside on a loop, great theme which is Quincy Jones Orchestra.

Is it? Oh, is it? And I just played that over and over, I guess, for, I don't know, 45 minutes or so, and then went home. Oh, you've got a strange birthday. I would have picked something, yeah, exactly. You'd think I'd have picked something more, something that got the word 40 in the title,

or Forever Young by Bob Dylan. Or Birthday. Yeah, exactly. But no, it by Bob Dylan. Or Birthday. Yeah, exactly. But no, it was... I wish I could play. It starts with a siren. Am I allowed to... Have we got...

I'm going to Apple Music. No. Just talk amongst yourselves. With all this technology, that's how we're doing radio. He also reveals that he dated Ivanka Trump. Has he got mixed up about that? I don't know. The most beautiful legs I've ever seen.

Wrong father, though. That's the bit I loved. Wrong father. Like she's got some control over that and that the relationship may have worked out if it weren't for her father. She's just picked on wisely. I love that. Is it all picked on wisely. I love that.

Is it all right? Yeah. Is it all right? I haven't had my piece of A5 paper yet. Look, if Quincy Jones says it, the answer to your question is probably no. Can you say the most, what does he say? He says the most beautiful legs I've ever seen.

Is that all right? I mean, I'm not saying it isn't all right, but is it all right? Well, what's wrong about it? I don't know. It just feels like it's in the grey areas. Oh, do you mean like... Check the A5.

Do you think he might have seen more beautiful legs? No, I just... Can you actually... Oh, it's judging her by her legs, you mean? Yes. I mean, as soon as I read it, I've got to be straight with you, I googled a picture of... Her legs.

To see if... Oh. Yeah, I just did. Clear history. Yeah, I know. Private browser. I'm your private browser. One of my favourite songs.

Can I tear something out of this? I mean, I'm, you know, I, anyway. Did you have a clear history incident? I had to think. I saw an advert. There we go. They included a model. Right.

Of many adverts, too. Right. Which one? For the first time for... No, not a supermodel type person. More Dora Bryan with a bath. No, but very attractive. Well, it's funny you should say that.

Stick around. So I saw this. And for the first time for a very long time, I thought, wow, she looks... Well, you stick in your own adjective, but, you know, great. She looks great. She's got, like, a swimsuit on and stuff, you know. Most beautiful legs I've ever seen.

Well, better than... Ivanka Trump. Ivanka Trump, I thought. I thought she just looked hot, basically. Right. It was an advert for a walking bath. No. I'm not kidding.

Not only was it an advert for a walking bath, it was an advert for a walking bath in the Roman Catholic journal, The Tablet. Perfect for you. What's happened to me now? Honestly, I'm done. Because I was so amazed by it. Do you think they knew that it was so un-Foxy?

You've got a picture of it. I thought I'm going to show this to the guys. This is my catchment area now. I thought we'd talked about... It's an actual paper printer. I thought we'd discussed this before. Don't you think she looks great? I thought you got the tablet on your tablet.

I mean, she looks absolutely lovely. She does. Lovely. And this is it when you get older, guys. Wrong father, though. One door shuts and another door opens. So the one that opens is on a bath. Oh, but that's all right. That's okay.

Well, the good news is you open the door and enjoy a full-length soak. Yeah, that's the best chat-up line I've ever heard in my life. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Do you want to hear Ironside? Yeah, sure. I just played the first bit. Oh, you found it, well done. You've got to imagine me, midnight, I've just turned 40,

driving through London in the dark. I mean, it is good. There you go. I love Apple music. Frank played me a lovely thing this week, which was, what was that, Frank? It was Doctor Who music. Oh, yes. But it was the music that was played during the action.

It was actually a bit of incidental music from the caves of Androzzone. It was lovely music that was played during the action. It was actually a bit of incidental music from the caves of Androzzone. It was lovely. And he did some really exciting... He was so happy, his little face. I'll show you the... Is that on Apple Music? The incidental music from the caves of Androzzone?

Well, there is... Film score. There's Doctor Who compilations. Is there? Yeah. Are thereilations. Is there? Yeah. Are there? Yeah. Were there?

It's a fabulous sort of walk through the history of music because, you know, there's obviously a lot of electric, early electric music. Oh, right, yeah. Ah, that's right. So there was something that Quincy... It reminds me... I'm just trying to think what that reminded me of.

There used to be a busker in Birmingham who I think was troubled. And he used to play... He used to have his... He used to hold... Great euphemism. He used to hold like a paper bucket thing to collect change in.

And he'd have a mouth organ in his mouth and he'd just go... Just breathe in and out. We're basically giving him money for breathing. Brilliant. And if you saw him, you'd realise he deserved it. Yeah, wonder what happened to him if you're listening. He won't be.

Something I like that Quincy said, he said, when you make music to chase money, God walks out of the room. I'm all about God walking out of the room. He's all for it. Me too, hashtag atheist. He's all for a good quote. There's one where he said,

he said, success never comes before work except in a dictionary. Oh, right. Come on! I mean, people say that sort of stuff, but I bet it does sometimes, don't you think? Yeah, it probably does. He also, he said Marvin...

Oh, you changed. Yeah. What did that take? In the age of, you know... Four seconds. The reality telly and stuff, I'm sure it does, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it must. He also said Marvin Gaye was gay, which I think he's just guessing. Yeah, it's just nominative determinism. Yeah, that is just... Gone mad. That's such a literal application of nominative... It's the old nominative determinism brigade.

Gone mad. I mean, you know, he's been watching Roland Ratt and thought, I've seen how this works. Yeah, yeah. Did he add, Marlon Brando had a good brand. That's not quite what he said about

Marlon Brando. Well what he said and obviously I can't repeat the language he used but he did say that he would consider having

relations with a mailbox. With anything. Yes. Or a female mailbox. Yeah. Sounded like that

didn't it? He wasn't bothered. Oh dear. Oh dear. anything. Yes. Or a female box. Yeah, yeah. Sounded like that, didn't it? He wasn't bothered. Oh dear. Oh dear. If only my A5 had come. I think there'd be an accent section on it. He also,

I'm going to just say what he said now, but some of it, he said... I just want to call this old podcast He Also. Yeah.

Because there's no end to this. Go on. They tried, somebody, I think Frank Sinatra or someone, tried to set him up with Marilyn Monroe. Oh, yes. Did they?

And he said, I couldn't, I didn't want to, he said, I didn't like her. Her chest looked like pears. Did he say that? Yeah. I mean, that's strange, isn't it? Personally, that wouldn't put me off unless they were avocados. So we should round off, Quincy Jones.

Thank you. Let's not slip by without him, the fact that he's talking about that he stayed at Bono's castle as he put it and Bono's son is named after him he says that but then he says

what do you think of them at the moment what about if his Bono's son is in fact named after Jack Klugman who played Quincy that would be good

in fact we had Jack Klugman reference on the show we did we would have thought we've had two Quincy couple of Quincy weeks two Quincy. That would be good. In fact, we had Jack Klugman reference on the show. We did, yeah. Who would have thought we've had two Quincy. A couple of Quincy weeks. Two Quincy and two Barry Took.

One, what I might do is have quite a lot of... Is it quince jelly? Next week I'm just doing quince jam. That's what the Victorians had, yeah. I'm going to eat... That's all I'm going to eat this week. So when I come in, I'll smell a bit Quincy. Oh, yeah.

Just to say it. I might start that, the Victorian diet. Get three weeks in a row. I'm going to say I'm on the Victorian diet. I think I might have some quince jelly in one of me hampers delicious so many uh and but he wasn't very nice about bono was no no he wanted for that when you stayed in someone's castle i mean you never hear me bad mouth flad thealer. He said he's my brother, man. He named his son after me. What do you think of his music?

Nah. Nah. Too much pressure, man. I tell you what, I acknowledge that you two are an enormous band, one of the biggest bands of the 20 and all that. Yeah. But they are one of my DJIs, which is my Don Getty. Yeah. Right. I'm with you a bit all that. Yeah. But they are in, they're one of my DJIs. Oh. Which is my,

don't get it. Yeah. Right. I'm with you a bit on that. And I'm not, if anyone loves them, I'm not saying they're not amazing, I'm saying this is me.

It's not me, it's not you, it's me. Right. It's not you two, it's me. Very good. Well,

that's a good name for those kind of bands as well. It's not you, it's me. It only really applies to them in this instance. But you know what, Frank? Well, my number plate is you two DJI. Right. If I say don in this instance. Well, my number plate is

U2 DJI. Because I don't get it. It's probably easier to get than U2 do get it. No, that's a problem. I would suggest that perhaps God has walked out of the room a little bit when it comes to U2.

Well, you know, I like their early stuff. I like their early stuff. I like their early stuff. Has God walked out the room? I don't think for a second that they're rubbish or anything like that. I don't know why that they are a bigger band than Ocean Coliseum, for example.

I agree with that. I like them. I'm not saying that's not a champion of Ocean Coliseum. It's using them as a template for an average sort of a band who you know I don't think I think they're good

yeah but what time does the edge put his hat on that's what we want to know that's what all chats lead to she'll have to text in

why have you two done so well well I don't use their gardener anymore so I don't mind oh of course I forgot you used my coffee patch

do you remember so connected yeah They don't use their gardener anymore, so I don't mind. Oh, of course. I forgot you used it. My coffee patch, do you remember? So connected. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Can I tell you one last Quincy Jones thing? Frank's a little bit like Quincy Jones. Well, I'll tell you why I'm sort of very up on him. Before all this story broke, a friend of mine, Matthew, sent me a massive GQ interview with him.

He texted me and said, you've got to read this. And that had things like the Nazis. That was all caused by cocaine. Hitler was on cocaine and that's what started it. Right. Hitler was on cocaine and that's what started it all. But in that, the guy said, you seem to have been, you know,

now everybody, every famous person of the last, you know, 70 years, you've known them well and blah, blah, blah. And Quincy Jones said, yes, they call me the ghetto gomp because he's like Forrest Gump. I thought, do they actually call him the ghetto Gump? Could that possibly be true? I sincerely hope so.

But, yes, I would... Would I recommend his... I don't know if I would. There was a bit where he says he has technology on his house to keep away the overweight and the old of the female population. That's not you. Does it? No, I've got a little door. You actually welcome them in.

I'm going to convert that bath door into a cat flap. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio,

mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You choose.

Can I take this opportunity to say on the radio thanks to everyone that sent me a birthday card or gift. How many did you get? Including our paymasters, absolutely. Oh, thanks. How many did you get? I got 36 last week. Oh my God, that's embarrassing.

I think it was 35. 35? Ow, can I be honest? That sounded a bit like Countdown Contestant, saying, yeah, I did it the same way. Yeah, I haven't think so. Al, can I be honest? That sounded a bit like countdown contestant, saying, yeah, I did it the same way. Yeah, I haven't worked it out. Do you know what I mean? 35 or 37, one or the other, he decides.

If it was... No, there's no way that it was even... See, I've got one for you in my bag, which I'm holding back just in case we were level. I don't even think I got to double figures, to be absolutely honest with you. I mean... I went text.

Yeah, I got a lot of electronic missives. What are you calling a lot? A lot? About 400. Wow, that's good. Look, come on, what did you get? I'd say you got 19. What, cards?

No, texts, I think you probably got. Yeah, something like that, if you want. That's good want i didn't really count them i did get um i got an actual card that had some wisdom on it that my wife said oh we got you this because there's wisdom on it and there's a picture like a sort of nice hand drawn picture of someone like chopping at a tree trunk and it says um and this is the wisdom apparently yeah it says if you chop your own wood it will heat you twice or you chop your own firewood it will heat you twice that's what they reckon daisy's nodding i'll be honest she's a big firewood fan i think it's absolute nonsense

because we've got a gas fire if you chop your your own firewood, it'll heat you. Oh, because you keep warm when you're chopping it. The exercise heats you once and then you burn it. But it assumes that you've got a log burner or that you're going to set fire. Who was it? I live in rainy northern England, so if I chop my own wood, I'll get hot that time, but then I'll just end up with a house full of smoke.

That's true or i'll rip out my gas fire to put in a i mean i wouldn't do that anyway because of the fume i mean it's a lovely card those living in canadian log cabins exactly card i wouldn't send it to the lorax i don't i don't like the wisdom in there because I think it's not quite as wise. Who was it that said, if you give a man a fire, if you light a fire for a man, you'll warm him for one night, but if you set fire to him, you'll warm him for the rest of his life.

That is awful wisdom. I can't remember who it was who said that. It wasn't me, I'm not claiming it. It was Mr. A. Baddy. Some twisted fire starter. Mr. A. Baddy? I'm not sure about that. Are you not allowed to do that?

I think you've made him sound Asian. He hasn't. He says it. I'm so anxious nowadays. Honestly, PC gone mad here on Absolute, isn't it? Yeah. Speaking of PC gone mad... You've got to refer to the PC Brigade.

Yeah, the PC Brigade are out. Speaking of PC gone mad... Evening, PC gone mad. Yes, evening's up. Everything's fine. Just having my evening stroll. Good to see you, Ossie Sand. Take care of yourself.

Sainsbury's... PC got mad there. Just passing. Sainsbury's have got themselves in a little bit of trouble. Lovely. Haven't heard it for a while. Always a fan. They had some Valentine's Day cards that are almost exactly the same.

Yeah. The one for a husband costs 50 pence more than the one for a wife. I say they're almost exactly the same. Yeah, yeah. They're not, actually. No. The more expensive one has fewer dogs on it.

It's got one dog on it. The more expensive one has one dog. It's got one dog. And the cheaper one, two pounds, just saying. Two pounds. Two pounds, V250, has a little sort of rhinestone collar, plastic diamante on the dog. So it's poor VFM, as I believe they call it. Very good.

Well, there are many questions about this. See, I had a look at the Twitter response. Oh, did you? at the Twitter response. Oh, did you? And it was a lot of very right-on, politically correct people saying that this is unfair on women. Yeah. And I thought, well, if you were that right-on and politically correct,

you might consider the fact that women are not the only people who have husbands. Thank you very much, you bigots. What about the same sex? You bigots! That's what I thought. But two gentlemen in a marriage, their cards for each other, if they are buying each other the exact same card,

which would be unlikely, I would assume, but that would be £5, whereas two... I'll be honest, I'm picturing the gay men in Waitrose rather than Sainsbury's. You've got it in one, Frank. It's still a bit classier. I think so. I'm picturing the gay men in Waitrose rather than Sainsbury's. You've got it in one, Frank. It's still a bit classier. I think so. I like Sainsbury's, don't get me wrong.

I mean, I'm not picturing them buying a Valentine's card in any sort of supermarket if I'm 100 honest with you. No, probably not. You don't think? No, I think they'd be probably in daunt books. All right. Getting one. Also, I'll tell you what struck me daunt books. All right. Getting one. Also, I'll tell you what struck me and what nagged at me about this.

And you'll feel for this, Al. Will I? And that is that the one with the two dogs, as you say, that was two quid. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And the one with one dog was £2.50. Yeah. And people, the suggestion was that they should have been the same.

Yeah. and people, the suggestion was they should have been the same and this reminded me of the annoyance I used to get when I was on the bill of a comedy club with a double act

and they got more money than I did for doing the same time because there was two of them but not individually they didn't did they? not individually but if they want to be a double, that was their choice. Indeed. I might have had this argument with a few promoters.

Sometimes they get like two and a half. I thought it was one and a half. Well, one and a half. But why do they get one and a half? They're doing the same amount of time. I think they should get the same. I agree. As the one person.

If you make the decision. It's not going to divvy up well for a weekend after. Well, don't be a double that. Once they've taken their fuel and doubled the sandwiches, they're buying more of everything, aren't they, when they're working away? And what about when there's free food? Oh, they're having more of that.

They're having twice as much and they're getting the same. It's not fair. And how often, let's be bold, how often are they as funny as I've been? Oh, exactly. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I say a quick thank you to Andrew Forcer, who sent me a very fine you to Andrew Forcer, who sent me a very fine picture, which he did, he said, with acrylic paint. It's a print of it, I think. And it's Mark E. Smith, anyway, of the four.

And it's, thank you. That's all I'm saying. I like it. It's all rolled up and stuff not folded it's good that's been a couple of points of order here the quote build a man of fire is from the late great genius sir terry pratchett that's from sean moore yes yes it is of course and then we've had a missive in about obscure music themes and this is from 196, Sal. She says, I just love the score from... Sal could be a man, I suppose.

I just love the score from the film The Odd Couple with Jack Lemmon. That is... So much I'm going to have it played at my funeral. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Yes! That's probably Quincy Jones, isn't it? Do you think? I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, there's nothing that much I can do. I'm afraid to claim it was.

That's what he used to call Marilyn Monroe's breasts. The odd couple. Very good. I don't like to speak ill of the dead. I don't mind it. It's the best time to speak ill of people. You're right. Thanks, that right it's no longer their business how is it

quite right so we're talking about the cards the valance cards did I ever tell you about the time I had a debate an unironic completely straightforward debate with two other men about the price of a dozen red roses for Valentine's Day

and whether or not, how low could you go before the person you were buying them for got so suspicious that they counted? So could you get away with nine red roses to save a few, Bob? Yeah. And they'd just take it, they'd just see a dozen, you know what I mean, the way you expect stuff. And then z just take it, they'd just see you, doesn't it? You know what I mean? The way you expect stuff.

And then zhuzhed out with some gypsophilia. Did you understand any of that? Yes, I did. Okay, go. I got zhuzhed. I told you didn't I when I was having my hair done by this sort of very Bintu Abitha thing. And this woman says all it needs is a bit of a zhuzh. Yeah.

And I says, zhuzh ye not, for as ye zhuzh, so shall ye be zhuzhed. And I got nothing. Nothing back at all. So, meanwhile, over in Sainsbury's, in the Valentine card section, nice place to hang out, I thought, I mean, yeah, I thought it was a little bit of a fuss over nothing, to be honest. Well, I mean, I do agree with Frank

in that I didn't necessarily think it was discriminating against women. No, anyone with a husband. I don't have a husband myself at the moment, but I didn't know I liked Anglo-Saxon history until last year.

Quincy Jones. This time next year, I could But I didn't know I liked Anglo-Saxon history until last year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit Quincy Jones. This time next year, I could be buying one for my husband. Yeah, from Sainsbury's. Would I be moaning about 50 pence? No. No. I'd never have got a husband in the first place if I was scratching around for 50 pence.

Are you inferring that all husbands are gold diggers? No. I'm not inferring that, but I'm inferring that it's easier to find a husband, or indeed a wife, if you've got a few bob in your pocket. You're right. I think the problem with this, though, talking of a few bob in your pocket,

I think the problem with this £2.50 story, which presumably they're happy with, because it's publicity for the brand. Oh, well, actually, Sainsbury's spokesperson said, we appreciate this error being brought to our attention, which I think translates as we hate this error being brought to our attention. No, and I like the error. I felt like you were the person on the end of the one show so far with some factoids.

Yes. And I like that. You were the person on the end of the one show so far with some factoids. Yes. And I like that. You were the expert of the greeting card industry. What about when I was on the... I know I keep mentioning the one show, but there was a very nice lady... You've got a lot of show mentioners. There's a lady who talks about plastic on there on a regular basis.

She's a friend of mine. Is it Lucy Siegel? Yes. Yes, I know her. I went to school with her brother, George Livingston. Excellent work. And she came on and, can I say I very confidently said yes to that? I'm not sure, but I'm hoping.

She won't be listening. And she came on to talk about the dangers of plastic and how we're using too much plastic. And what they do on those sort of shows is they come and top your water up just before the chat during the VT and of course they come round

with a plastic bottle and top it up I mean the hypocrisy of these people I enjoyed that yeah that's one for the casting agents

to maybe have a listen back to yeah this is Frank Skinner for the casting agents to maybe have a listen back to. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Ed from Coolsdon has said Frank the Cockerel and the Divine Miss E. Lovely. Quincy Jones also did the soundtrack to The Italian Job,

so he wrote Self-Preservation Society as well. He didn't write that, did he? No, I can't believe he wrote that. That's a bit Danny Dyer for him. He then adds, keep it Pisces, which, even if we have doubts about the truth of his email, I think keep it Pisces will stay with us.

No, I like it. What's your star sign, Al? I'm not genuinely asking that. Aquarius. Okay. Good to know. Also mine. That's such. Aquarius. Okay. Good to know. Ah. Also mine. Yeah? That's such an Aquarius thing to say.

Peas in a pod. Okay. I think it's the dawning of the age. Is it? Aquarius. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Er, what else? Well, I'm just saying, no, I'm just saying, because there was something I wanted to read out. Talk amongst yourselves, please. OK. Oh, dear, we can't have a bit like this.

It was live, Frank. It was things. Well, I'll tell you what I wanted to. What about, did you read about Drake? Oh, yes! Drake? Not Charlie. I know you're thinking Charlie at home.

Not Charlie Drake. I'm talking about Drake. Not your audience. The musical performer, Drake. Yeah. Charlie Drake. I'm talking about Drake. Know your audience.

The musical performer, Drake. Yeah. Didn't Drake once, at the Brits, do a very short conga with Rihanna? Is that...? He did very well remembered, Frank, and he sung Hotline Bling, which I know you're a fan of. Oh, yeah. I don't know Hotline Bling.

Hotline bling, that's what I sing. It doesn't feel like that. Hotline bling's my thing. Is he a country artist? I have no idea. No, Al. Yeah. I know what the hotline bling.

It's more like that. Is that... Where does it go? Oh, don't make me do it again. You're horrible at making me keep up. I was just thinking about something else. Hotline bling. It is a bit like that. I don't know. I don't know. Bling. Is that what you said? It is a bit like that.

I don't know his work, but I do remember you being fascinated by his mini conga. I think... Yes. I think that's... But I'm not the first. Yeah, you heard it. It seems to be based around the concept, the song,

of you used to call me on my cell phone, and then this person has given up doing that. Right, what have they started to do? I mean, it happens. WhatsApp? What do they call him on there cell phone. And then this person has given up doing that. Right, what have they started to do? WhatsApp? What do they call him on now? Knapsack? Have they changed comms? Social, um... He also has a whiskey. What?

Yeah, he's got a whiskey. He launched it a couple of years ago. Oh, right, you mean a brand. I thought you meant he had one before bed. I mean, it's not a big news is he has a whiskey. I thought it was a bit of gossip, he has a whiskey a lot of people do I thought it was a bit of gossip but not as good as Quincy Jones

that's not as tipple I don't know I'll have to get a boffin on that but I don't know what it's called it's just a bit reluctant I know he does just before he does last number on stage he says a four year go

does he I've got one other Drake fact factoid for you which I think you'll enjoy. His father was a drummer with Jerry Lee Lewis. I was going to say his father was a doc. No. Surely his father was a...

His mother was a doc. Yeah. Drummer with Jerry Lee Lewis. Jerry Lee Lewis, yeah. There you go. Thought you'd enjoy that. That was good. I bet he's got some tales to tell.

Yeah. Open up a honey, it shall ever bore me, that's a knock-in. So he did a bit of a lovely thing. Well, he's gone absolutely... He's been giving money away. I think he's gone cray-cray, as they say. Like there's no tomorrow.

It's a song. No, I've got a soft... I don't know his music, but I've always been a tremendous admirer of beard density. Oh, yes. Because I had a beard in my, I suppose, 20s. And it was a... I shouldn't have. I had a beard. That's a variation on the Martin Luther King, but I like it.

I had a beard. What has he done there? I thought he's still got a bit of a... He's got a moustache. I don't know why he's making such a big thing about it. Yeah. He'd probably have had... I don't know, he's making such a big thing about it. Yeah. He'd probably have had... I don't know.

Would he have had good density? I'm not sure. But Drake's, it's really... It's like, you know those Iron Finelands men you get in the game with the... Right. You see, yours is not bad,

but it's not as dense as... Virginia Black. That's Drake's whiskey. Oh, I thought you were... that was a type of beard. No, I too get... Virginia Black. Yeah, that's his whiskey. Okay. I too get beard envy, Frank. I think it's a thing.

See, my beard was very wispy when I had a beard. Me too. Those gaps. Well, you know, stick around. It was one of those wispy half beard type things, but he, oh, it's great.

I think the last beard envy I got was Olaf Melberg, the footballer. Oh, yes. What about my boy Henry? Come on. Henry? Which Henry? You have that Henry VIII? Oh, yeah. That's a great beard. Yeah, but that wasn't. It didn't have the density.

I don't like the ones that are shaved to precision like that. Why do you stand on Blessed? Oh. Great density. Yeah, I don't know if that... Is that density? Bit Explorer? Bit Explorer.

It can't be that dense. It doesn't have much of a muffling of it. Sadly. Sadly. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I googled Drake on my phone to have a look at the beard density

because obviously if there's some beard envy to go around, I want to get some. Pretty good, don't you think? yeah good beard density his description when googled is Canadian rapper but it takes seven pictures of him before you get

a baseball cap backwards what is going on with the world with the rappers now yeah what does he wear a sow-ester? Yeah, what's going on? Sow-ester wouldn't be a bad name for a rapper. That would be good. Or if it was a female rapper, perhaps Sue-ester.

Sue-ester. Sue-ester. You could give that a name. It'd be hyphenated. Yeah. You're right. Not a very glamorous stage costume, though. The yellow sow-ester.

Not very sexy lady. Useful for Glastonbury, though. The yellow sou'ester. Not very sexy lady. Useful for Glastonbury, though. He would be. I mean, in the league table of cool, he'd be pretty high, wouldn't he, Drake? Drake. It's fair to say. Especially this week.

I saw, well, you said especially this week, but I've seen like three different pictures of him holding a big cheque. That is something I associate with a picture in an official programme at a football match. Yes. Of local businessmen building society who've raised, like, 20 grand.

It's very local. I should explain what he's been up to, really. People may not realise. He's been giving away money, essentially. He's been throwing around the bling. Oh, has he ever? He spent 50 grand at a supermarket in Miami. He bought everyone's groceries.

Quite how this happened, I don't know. Did he stand in each queue and wait? And did he put the little divider thing there? Did he help them pack? Well, apparently... Very difficult to do. He employed Dale Winton as a technical consultant. Of course.

They used to do those things. Do you remember those things they used to have at supermarkets? Maybe they still do. If you won a thing, you could go around the supermarket and put as much stuff... It was like the supermarket. It's sweet, yeah. As much as you can, but you got, to look about two minutes or something like that.

How stressful. Anyway, he did that. And then he paid for someone's education for a year or something, did he? He, yeah, £25,000 to a senior school as well. I'm totting this up now. £75,000 large for Dan. Yeah, so £50,000 at the supermarket. Shelter for homeless women.

£25,000. Yeah. So is that an extra? £50,000 to the supermarket. Shelter for homeless women. 25k. Yeah. Is that an extra? 50k to the university. Right. Because as soon as you build a shelter, as soon as they go in there, they don't qualify as homeless women anymore.

They have to go. Oh. It's like just a continual turnstile. Can we just say he is worth 90 million? I mean, lovely as this is. He's got a new album out, and this is the way I publish it. Well, it's not just a new album.

He is opening a restaurant this week as well. He's opening a restaurant. I agree with Frank, I'm afraid. I think, just some back of the envelope maths, sir. Aladdin? I think he's done about, maybe 200 grand's worth of good deeds, and I think he's had about

three million dollars worth of publicity for it. So, he's done all right out of it. I mean, what does it say in your book? Charity vaunteth not itself? Something like that? Is that what it says? Yeah, something along those lines. Well, I think it's...

Is that also in the good book? In Matthew's Gospel, it suggests when it comes to charity, you do not let your left hand know what your right hand's doing. That's where the phrase comes from. What, just get confused? So you do it secretly. You don't do it for public acclaim. Yeah.

Exactly. That's what I'm like. Yeah, that's, you know. Keep it private, mate. Yeah. Yeah. I'm off my boy. I mean, he might do.

Even I don't know I've done it. He might do a lot of private giving, Drake. I'm not saying he doesn't. I don't know if it's charity, though. Oh. Oh, no. Oh. Yes. I don't know much about his life. Is he a married man? Oh, no. Oh, yes.

I don't know much about his life. Is he a married man? No. OK. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had a bit of a Drake-like episode recently. I did a good deed and I was rewarded for it.

I was in a well-known sort of takeaway food place that Frank has mentioned many times should make a bigger deal of Christmas because they've got manger in their name. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. I was there. I walked to the front of the counter, and the woman in front of me had left an open, overflowing purse with money and cards and all that stuff. Sounds like Drake.

I thought you were going to say burrito. No. I thought you were going to say casket. I turned around. Excuse me. She'd already gone. So what am I to do? I just picked it up.

I automatically just gave it to the person that was serving me. See, what frightens me in those situations is what if she comes back just as you're picking it up? Does it look like you're stealing it? Yeah, it's the wrong idea. Oh, I didn't even think about that. I throw a wet tea towel over it. I do look innocent.

Would you go chip pan with it, Frank? I was sitting in... Excuse me. In Pret-a-Mangeant. Oh, yeah. And a guy come in, sort of, you know, worked in the media, glasses, that kind of a guy. Black T-shirt under a suit?

I don't think he had a suit. I think he had a bit of a sort of a khaki jacket. Oh, yes, I know the type. He was a modern man. Right. He had a bag on where the strap was on one shoulder and put the bag come out. Messenger bag, lovely.

Sounds like myself. Anyway, he came in and he picked up a bottle of water and walked out again. What? What the? Citizens arrest. Did he? Did he?

Did he definitely not pay? No, he just walked straight out. I couldn't believe it. Wow. Hiding in plain sight. I know, but he wasn't a person who was desperate for a... No, it's just... I mean, he might have been thirsty, but I hope it choked him. Well, and we all did. Well, little did he know, if he'd done a good deed,

he might have got that water gratis, because I gave the purse across the counter. I said, oh, that lady's just left her purse. She's already gone. And they said, your drink's free. I bet they have a free coffee. I bet they did because they think we're having that. As soon as this mog leaves. Oh, now you've made me feel really bad about it.

I think when you get free coffee in there, I remember rightly, in Line of Duty, when the copper suddenly runs out of the cafe and stops someone getting mugged, and they said you can have a free coffee, he got into trouble for not declaring it as a gift. That's right. So be careful.

I mean, you've said it now. I base a lot of my life on the TV series in the Line of Duty as well. Yeah, me too. That must be quite stressful. It is a little, I'll be honest. A little stressy. It can be. That woman in the fridge is starting to...

That's starting to... She's getting a bit whiffy. It's making me anxious, I'll be honest with you. I can hardly get me yoghurts in. Whereas the woman in the bath, loving it! Yeah, I had a The first time I met

Cat Daly The popular presenter Clang She's another Bromley Is she? Is that a bit Big Mo? Yeah Work with them all

He has worked with them all She She took me I don't mean all the Bromleys I mean everyone She took me in a warm embrace. I mean, quite, you know, warmer than usual. Right.

Someone you hadn't met before. No, no, no. No funny business. And she said, she said, really, it's great to meet you. I thought she obviously thinks I'm the funniest man alive. Yeah. No. Oh. She said you were in, I think thinks I'm the funniest man alive. Yeah? No. Oh.

She said you were in, I think it was Spark Hill once in Birmingham. You walked past a cafe and my brother was in there with three of his mates and they waved and shouted at you from inside and called you in to have some chips. And you went in and had chips with them.

And I always thought that was just a really you know showed what a good person man of the people yeah so what about that lucky they caught you when you were hungry innit yeah

I've got to be if you're going to completely blank them I'll be 100% straight with you I don't think it was me but I I'll take my warm embraces where I can get them so anyway that's my motto as well well done Graham Norton But I'll take my warm embraces where I can get them. So anyway, well done Graham Norton.

That's what I'm saying. Stephen Tomkinson. Yeah, or Roy Hodgson. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Okay, so thanks for listening. You still there, Emily? I was going to say, here's Whitesnake. It used to be my catchphrase the old days.

It did, it did. But then I settled down. So anyway, if the good Lord spares us and the cricks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

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