The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Lone Wolf

Episode Date: July 30, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Steve Hall and Gareth Richards. He has a Wild West related query and soap based advise. The team discuss Obama and Hillary Clinton's embrace, pets and ask if anyone still owns a budgerigar?

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with, wait for it, Gareth Richards and Steve Hall. Not one, not one interloper, but two. Yeah. You can still text us on 81215 or follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. I mean, we won't know how to look at it. No. Got no idea. Don't say that. Or you can email the show via

the Absolute Radio website. So, yes, it is, it's a bit peculiar. I'd go so far as to say... The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town. Yeah, so just behave yourselves.

I don't want you getting drunk and going on about women being moody. I should say for any... No, Charlie the producer won't like that. No, I should think if... Charlie's a woman, I should say. Yeah, Charlie's a woman. And that was ironic. What, Charlie's a woman?

What do you know that I don't? Let's not list it now. Yes, so don't panic. It's not going to get all lads-y. I mean, they're two men, but they both wear spectacles. Yeah. Barely. It's a compromise.

It's a compromise. I've only done a few of these when it's been all male. And this is the more silly risk. We did one with Matt Ford once and that got quite laddy. Yeah, that's quite male. Gazers! No, I don't think I've ever... I basically disapprove of it, I'll be honest with you.

Matt Ford? No, I don't disapprove of Matt Ford. I'm half the man Matt Ford is, so that's perfect. Are you in what respect? Size. Matt Ford, if so that's perfect. Are you in what respect? Size. Matt Ford, if he's listening to this, will be honoured that he's been spoken of as if he's a household name. Google him, if you don't know him.

Very funny political comedian. I think he's a fair summary. I don't think he'd mind that. Well, we've been sitting around, you know, three lads sitting around together chatting so we've talked first of all we've worked out our first texting of the day what is

Foyle's War we're all aware of it as a TV programme but none of us have got a clue those things can be around in your mind but not in your mind for me it could be a things can be around in your mind, but not in your mind? Yeah, I... For me, it could be a reality show about troubling bookshops.

What do you think it was, period drama? Something about cooking a chicken. You imagine basting a turkey. No, I reckon it's a period drama, something to do with a war. When you say the war, are you saying World War II? Um, are you pushing, are you making me, are you making my mind up? Well, no. Or World War I? No, World War II.

Well, don't say the war, and then we find out it's World War I, and you say, oh yeah, I meant that one. Okay, I'm going World War II. Okay. I'm hoping it could be about peacekeepers And that each year they successfully foil a war Just about the power of diplomacy I don't think that's what it is I find that dramas don't tend to go for punning titles The way, you know, the way other programmes do

Is that right? I think you're right Okay I mean, Downton Abbey, where's the joke in that? Rubbish. I mean, if you're going to give it a title. At least Upstairs Downstairs had got a sense of... Music to it.

Yeah. So, I'll tell you what, my day started badly. I was about to moisturise. I've been speaking a bit about moisturising on the show just lately. I am bringing out a book called Why I Moisturise. Do you know that? No. That's not a Geordie recommending people moisturise. Why I moisturise. God, we've gone through... Yeah, that's usually the sort of thing I say. We've gone through the ponceal.

Come on, old back, lads. I mean, it'll have to have, like, a waterproof... or, like, some sort of protective cover. What, Y-I Moisturage? Yeah. No, cos I'd never had cream. Oh, right. And I tend not to touch books with my face.

Ever. But how do you get the cream on your face? I've got loads of books. I can't tell you how many books I've got at home. I can't think of one of them that I've touched with my face. How do you apply it? Do you just squeeze it from the tube, just direct onto your head?

Yes, if you don't touch the cream with your hands, how does it get onto your face? Do you have someone that does for you? No, it's a good point there. OK, good. I had a death mask made, admittedly a little prematurely a few years ago. I hate it when they do that during a gig. Some unusual poster for a tour.

So I just fill that like a birdbath and put my face in there. It seems to work. No, but this is the worst possible... It's not the worst possible start to a day. Don't send in and say, well, actually, I was killed in a car crash. But I woke up and I went to Meisterise and I've got some simple Meisterise.

Do you know it? Do you know simple? Simple, yes. I'm not name-checking it to get, don't send me any free stuff. It's not that good, to be honest. But anyway, it works and it's, yeah,

I'm allowed to say, I don't think they advertise on here, do they? Anyway, You've just been, you've just negged Simple moisturiser. I've been negged Simple. So I was, I was reaching... There isn't much left. We really are near the end of the simple.

And what I'd forgot to do, how annoying is this, I'd forgot to leave the bottle upside down. You know when you have to leave it upside down so it runs through to the can? So I'd left it the right way up, but I don't have that kind of time. you upside down so it runs through to the cat so i left it the right way up but i don't have that kind of time so uh i had to use um a more substantial industrial moisturizer and now i feel complex in my mouth yes extremely complicated and now my face is all over the place i can't get a grip on it my My face is... Do you feel like a Picasso? Holding a thought is like holding a big fish.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Come on, talk. That's the job. Nice, I liked it.

Do you reckon if you work for Simple, if you get handed the Simple contract and your name's Simon, you just have to immediately get rid of it? No, I think it'd be good, wouldn't it? Because people would just call you that. That'd be the perfect job. Everybody wants to be a bit of a local character. If you were Simple Simon and you weren't that good at your job.

But you know when you see people in a hat, and you think, they want to be a local character. Remember at university or polytechnic or when you were doing BTEC, there was that bloke, that 18-year-old that wore a trilby, and he thought, this is me made now. People know me as the bloke that 18 year old that wore a trilby and he thought this is me made now people people know me as the bloke in the trilby there's people who used to go to music festivals with a feather duster so they'd say they'd stand out and it was the early days it was when gary crowley

used to present the beat by early 90s and you'd see someone in a mosh pit with a wacky multicoloured feather duster. Yeah, okay. I discovered... Is that true? I don't know. I used to see Labrador dogs in red neckerchiefs at festivals I remember.

You see some terrible things at festivals that's why I say... 8, 12, 15. Yeah, so we had a... Did we have a... What happened? Where is he? Sorry, I'm having to leave them.

I've been trying to cover it. I feel like a primary school teacher walking around holding the hands of the children at break time. Can I go to the bathroom? Emily Sheets. That's what they used to say holding the hands of the children at break time. Can I go to the bathroom? How many sheets? That's what they used to say at my school. That's honestly what they used to say.

And they'd give it to you, like, rationed, going in. So you had to call it. Because kids, if you put a kid in a... Let's not go too deep on a Saturday morning, but if you give a small kid at our school a toilet roll, for some reason they have to throw it all round the toilet. Like that, what's that creative gymnastic? Oh, ribbon gymnastics.

I don't think it's called that. Rhythmic. Rhythmic gymnastics. Ribbon gymnastics, did you say? I thought that. Say what you see. You'd be great on catchphrase.'d be one of those it's good but it's not right it's not it's jumpy jumpy bouncy bounce that's what i call it yes so it's they

used to do that so they stopped giving us the hole they took the the toilet rolls out of the toilet and you say can i go to the toilet miss and they'd said do you want to stand up or sit down i'm not making this up and And I'd say, sit down. I'll have a go standing. And then they'd say, how many sheets? And you had to go, I'm thinking seven. Seven and one for the pot. Did you pretend that you needed to sit down every time

so you could sort of stash them away like a squirrel gathering nuts? I didn't do that because I think there's a... I don't know, there's an uncomfortable thing when you have to own up to that in any situation. There's a stigma attached to the sitting down. The stigma of the dump. Yes, very good. Absolutely.

Now, let's make that the last part of the show because we're not going to top that. So I've been trying to cover Frank's... Not Frank's, Alan's Friday Night Troll. Oh, yes. He's had his unsuccessful sitcom on Channel 4. And so Mike... It's about fishing communities.

About ciders and... Mike in Beverly, which is possibly more information than anyone needs. Your kin, Beverly. Sorry, I thought she was a relative. Oh, no. Mike in Beverly says

no puns and then that comes in. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. You're quite right. Mike says, morning all. And then that comes in. You can dish it out, but you can't take it, can you? You're quite right. Mike says, morning all. There is something lacking in households these days. The budgerigar. Everyone had one.

Where are they now? I think they're still around. They don't classify for the whatever happened to. I don't think. Well, here's a show for them now. Well, here's a shout-out for them now. All over Britain, there'll be their little ears. Is that right? Do they?

I think so. Some sort of strange lump, some feathered rise at the side of their heads will be twitching when they hear that noise. Absolute budgie. I bet you if we said, and I don't think we should do this because it's a bit capital. If we said texting if you've got a budgerigar, we'll get 200 texts in the next 10 minutes. And I don't want to take the money from the people. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Jazzy Blue 80 has tweeted to say, surely you should be asking people to tweet in if they have a budgie. That's good, isn't it? That's a good point. I'm pleased. It's not up there with Stigma. But it's in the same postcode. It's not in city centre.

They've gone mad for Stigma of the Dump on the text. Lots of lovely feedback. Thank you, 877. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Stigma? Yeah. You said Stig. Oh, did I not?

Did I? Oh, sorry. You've killed it already. I've killed it. It's dead. You know what that is? That is joke rage. When one comedian...

Sabotage! When one comedian hears another comedian do a really good joke, they laugh, but the joke rage inside, they think, oh, why don't you feel really poorly soon? No, I love the stick of the toilet joke. And, um, so... It really works. Faye Scheiber said...

What? Faye Scheiber on tweet... OK, I'm sorry, I thought it was some sort of Hebrew greeting. LAUGHTER She said, for the moisturiser, cut the bottom of the bottle off near the end and there's loads left in there. Yeah, but don't you still have to wait for it to make its almost endless journey that slow creep down the wall of the bottle no what so what you do you

start with the very end and then you scrape that out and then do another layer and just keep going down the layers of the um i see where you're coming from yeah that's why okay i'll try that now i must um look for my bathroom scissors you You know those heavy duty, they're secateurs more than anything else I keep in the bathroom. For the ear hair. Yeah, exactly. I'll tell you another thing I did, I took, I had about 12 little bits of soap. You know when soap gets to that small thing where you just can't do anything you can't you can't hold on to it so i just keep leaving them because i used to have now this is something from people who've been reading this show for a long time well might know that i'm talking of course about the novelizations that are published after each show. Many years ago, somebody sent me a... It was a bit of a man-in-the-iron-mask soap thing.

It was something that you put those little bits in and you tightened the... This is how I'm remembering it. I might have added... Right. You tightened the sort of wing nut and this thing closed on the soap, and you left it in water like that,

and when you released it a couple of days later, a new bar of soap had been formed of the squeezed smorgasbord. Wow, so like a Frankenstein's monster of soap. Yeah, and this is an age thing. I think I had one, or I might just have heard about one or am i to dreamt there was one you might have invented it it's i don't know which one it was i mean this is the age of multiple choice um so yes it was one of those things so anyway i didn't do that i just threw them all down the toilet i threw about in the end about I went down around all of my bathrooms in my house,

which, I mean, obviously is quite a journey. And I threw them all down. Well, that feels like a vengeance on, like, you're going, make me count the number of sheets I'm using now. Yes. Well, no, I left them there for a bit, and I thought, they're going to clean that part of the toilet where we never go.

We can't even see. Hardly ever go into that bit of the toilet. No, I don't go. I never put my arm down the toilet like James Herriot with an expectant bovine. So I left them down there for a bit. I could see them down

there looking up at me. Oh, they didn't go away? I could see them until it became so cloudy I could no longer see them. They were doing it, not me. And then I flushed and I had an idea, you know, that some sewage worker in a few weeks' time would go down the sewers and somebody would say, how was it down there? He'd say, well, I've got to be straight with you, it was absolutely spick and span.

He could have ate your dinner off those walls. And that's a lovely way to do it. So I urge you people with little bits of soap, get them down the toilet. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

So we've had a text in from Ian Angel. Oh, Ian Angle. Angle, is that a person? Yes, it's a... I know, he will have heard me raving about Steve's pond and he would have thought, no-one out ponds. All right, he's going to go for a topper. Yeah. So brace yourself um hold on

let's get my seatbelt on sorry ian angle said surely it should be called stinkmer of the dump no ian I don't know why that felt like a suitable response. But it worked for me. Never mind, I like that you joined in. It's nice to join in. 715 has said, get a little soap presser, combining all the little soaps together, you get a wonderful rainbow soap. And then they said, oh, Frank's beaten me to it.

No, no, but that at least proves it wasn't a dream. Yeah, it's the real thing. OK. And rainbow soap, that's a lovely image. Mm. It is, yeah. If only we'd had that ready for Pride, which was about three weeks ago.

That would have been... No, giving out soap, probably people would have thought that was a bit... Yeah, no, they're very clean, those guys. Oh, no. That's why they don't give them soap. Get it? Yeah, no. What, we open some sort of soap kitchen? That is a good idea.

Yeah, a soap kitchen. No, I don't think that you could do that. It's the homeless queue up and they say, guess what, here's some soap. That would be the most insulting thing you could do. Give them some simple moisturizer. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. You know the butterfly effect?

You're aware of that? I don't think I know that. You do. You don't butterfly effect? You're aware of that? I don't think I know that. I should... You do. You don't know it? I genuinely don't know it. The idea if I went into the... You know, when you go into a cocoon... No, not that. And then... What?

Oh, is this as in chaos theory? If I went into the ancient past and stepped on a... I think it's based on a Ray Bradbury short story. So you go into the past, you step on a... I think it's based on a Ray Bradbury short story. So you go into the past, you step on a butterfly, and then when you come back, it's a dictatorship and you speak a different language, and just changing that one thing. Well, I went into Waterstones, the bookshop,

and I have a £50 book voucher that's burning a hole in my pocket. I've been keen to spend it for a while, so I went in there. So I picked up three books. The Hatred of Poetry, I don't know if you're aware of. It's sort of a long essay. And then a biography of the Caesars called Dynasty

and a Hemingway collection. I went up to the counter, and it was one of these things where the woman was on the phone to someone who was inquiring about something. Now, I know this has, I'm sure, been said before, but I do think if you've turned up in person, there should be some sort of priority.

Yeah. Don't you think? Yeah. If I was on the phone to a bookshop and someone said, actually, there's a person I can physically contact standing in front of me, I want to put you on hold, I'd be fine with that. Because I'd have thought, well, I'm sitting at home.

No, I'm not going to be in a phone box anymore. Those days are gone. Unless I'm urinating in the early hours. So, anyway, the phone call went on and on and on and on. And in the end, I just... I left the books call went on and on and on and on. And in the end, I just... I left the books on the counter and walked away. Now, I didn't do the big sigh. I didn't...

I didn't do one of those, because I'm not that bad a person. But since, it has really nagged at me. And this is what's nagged at me, I think. That one or all of those books may have changed my life in some way. Now, I don't feel I can go back and buy them now, because I've built them up so much in the missing

of them. I mean, they can't possibly live up to what I'm... for their absence, if you know what I mean. So, publishing houses, we're asking for some freebies. No, I'm not. I'm not asking for freebies. I'm just... I'm saying that Waterstones have done the butterfly.

They may have ruined my life. And this wouldn't have happened in Foyle's War. No. Well, I'm starting... I think this is what... The whole physical books world, since they've repelled the e-book invasion you know which i don't know if you remember that in return of the jedi um i think that maybe they've got a bit um a bit cocky because you know e-book sales have plummeted yeah and real books so but honestly i it's nagging i keep thinking i bet that would have been a brilliant book. Or just imagine myself reading it.

It's really properly upset me. I know there's little comedy in this. I mean, I think you... It is a... I feel your pain. That is... It is a tragedy. And do you feel now as well that if you read them now, then you go, maybe if I'd have read this a couple of weeks ago... Yeah, exactly, cos I read... It was a specific time in my life. Yeah. If only I read this on Thursday of weeks ago. Yeah, exactly, because it was a specific time in my life.

If only I read this on Thursday, things would have been different. The author of The Hatred of Poetry can now start some sort of hate campaign against Waterstones. That can be there. Yeah, that can be the next one, yeah. What if I'd just thrown them at the woman on the phone before I walked out? Or gone to the loo and said, I'm taking eight sheets. Two from this book. Two from this. I'm finishing on a

season. I'm taking four from The Hemingway. One from each novel. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I noticed about, I was listening to another radio show the other day. A what? Another radio show.

Okay. And I'll tell you what they have, they have features. You know what I mean? Like features, and now we're going to do do and it's like that they do that yeah and i thought that's good that's quite a good idea so i thought i'd try and introduce a feature now uh and i'm going to call it um infrequently asked questions. Good, good. Scott, good start. No, it's good.

And I also thought... Gareth, when can you come and do another gig? Oh. Self-deprecating, I'm awesome. Don't worry about that. Self-deprecating and slightly petulant. So it's... Yes, I also thought of a jingle for it.

Are you familiar with the Wings track, which I believe is called Mamoonia? No, no. Mamoonia, Mamoonia, Mamoonia, whoa. Is that a word? I think it must be someone's name. If anyone knows why there's a Wings track called Mamoonia, let me know.

But it works with... Infrequently, inf it works with infrequently infrequently infrequently asked questions infrequently infrequently ask questions now and then you do it right so here's my first infrequently asked question okay and here it here it goes. Did anyone in the Wild West ever die because a bullet that had been fired into the air in celebration came down sometime later? What do you think? I would imagine it.

I know it's a thing that happens because it's quite a regular thing at weddings in the Middle East. And it's a genuine thing that happens because it's quite a regular thing at weddings in uh in the middle east uh and it's a genuine thing that happens i know there are i've done it feels more bleak because it happens but it is and there's a scene in love and death woody allen fires a gun in the air yeah i don't think we should take that as uh so it has happened it's happened not in the Wild West, in the Wild Middle East, yes. And do you know there are actual examples of that? Yeah, so they try and...

I think it's been a thing where they ask, sort of go, can you please stop firing your guns in the air at weddings? How long do they stay up there? I mean, could it be like the next... You know those places like if it was a registry office, you could be three weddings later and you turn up and suddenly you've got a hole right through the middle of you like some sort of bead.

I don't mean the venerable bead. Some weddings I've been to, I'd be grateful for it. Yeah. You're just looking up in the air, longingly. Hanging around where we did the shooting. But if you fired upwards, that bullet... I always imagined they went into outer space right cowboys and aliens yeah but well anyway i don't think it's been a very satisfactory

so you've definitely heard we can do some experiments yes okay no i'm stevie's yeah if it happened if it happens in the middle east no it must have happened in the world west yeah perhaps that's why they wore those hats that's why the hats had dents in the Middle East, no, it must have happened in the Wild West. Perhaps that's why they wore those hats. That's why their hats had dents in the top. That's it, we've sorted it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

This morning with Steve Hall and Gareth Richards, in no particular order, can I point out. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. So we've had some conflicting tweets about your... I can't remember the exact... not very often asked question. Infrequently.

Infrequently asked question. It's because it's usually frequently. The I-A... I-A-Qs. Yeah. So, um... It's funny I could get an R in there. It could be like Iraq.

Ah. Infrequently... Infrequently... It's a bit like... Rarely... Infrequently, brackets, rarely asked questions. I-A-Qs is like, I accuse you. Yes.

I AQs you. It's a bit like Jacques as well. And so you are... So the theory was when cowboys and often Mexican banditos fired bullets into the air, did anyone ever perish from them coming down again? And when Steve's in weddings in the middle east you reckon that did happen quite often i believed so yes so we've had um the the boy hoy says that um and this is from twitter yeah he says it isn't fast enough to penetrate human flesh not a brain box so it's fast enough on the way down.

So that's what he says, but then there's a conflicting one where it says Mythbusters tested the bullet in the air thing. I don't really know what Mythbusters is. I'm suggesting it's a television programme. Yeah. They just test stuff like this. Yeah, I thought it was a

marriage bureau started by Chrisris eubank um she he um and someone else says miss but mythbusters tested the bullet in the air thing firing straight up won't kill you but a slight angle can a slight so so do they mean like exactly if it's like 90 degrees into the air, but if it's 89... Well, I guess something going straight down might get up less speed

than something that's coming at a bit of an angle and so has less... Do you guess that? Yes, that is what I guess. What is the basis of your guessing? It just seems right. Oh, come on. It just seems right.

It could be, um, if you wanted to, um, clamp down on drugs. If Chris Eubank wanted to clamp down on drugs amongst female teachers. Myth busters. Myth busters. Yeah. That's better, that's better.

We'll leave it there. In the end, it was lose the first. It's live, you say. Doesn't matter. What, you mean all that stuff about... What, the toilet paper? Okay. But you're right, I've never seen that in a Western.

No one's ever just dropped dead for no reason. What would be brilliant in a Western? You know when in a situation where the bad guy's got his clicky... about to click the trigger and you've got no hope, there's no way out for the hero. You think they can't get out of this. And then suddenly, he drops. And then you realise there's a stitch back

to that mad shooting in the air bit that he'd done earlier. That'd be a brilliant bit in a film. It would. Especially if you really have them shooting in the air for quite a long time. Yeah, he makes a big thing about it. And it's actually that bloke doing it. So he's hoisted by his own

heta. And maybe there can be a thing where there was a particular bullet that the hero's father gave him that had its initials on and the baddie stole it and then shot that up into the air. And then that is the very bullet that killed him. So when he drops he then goes probing a bat in his head.

Yeah, he digs it out of his... We should get out of here while we can. Just a minute. Let's go and check. Just get the top of his head. I must take a souvenir. Yes. Hold on a minute. I could do with some lead

for my fishing thing. I'll just get this. Hold on a minute. This is the bullet that my grandad made out of his old fillings. That's a great ending for a movie. I'm going to fill you full of lead and then extract the lead again because I'm very frugal that way. Exactly.

I'm going to fill you full of lead, brackets, temporarily. You've been watching the Western Waste Not Want Not. Has anyone seen me magnet? Does that work? Is lead magnetic? I don't know. I'll have to find out. If you text in, it's lead magnetic on 8-12-15.

Absolute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I received a gold record for Three Lions yesterday. Wow. Signed by Sir Geoff Hurst. Wow. Sort of very cool. Fantastic. A massive very... Fantastic.

A massive, big display case. Pictures of Bobby Moore with the World Cup. Because he's in the video, isn't he? Isn't he at the pub? You look over your shoulder at the pub. Yeah. But this is actually celebrating the 66 victory. It's a whole mixture of six.

Six base football things. Lovely, though. It's going to spoil my chances of being on through the keel. Have you been following the American... I've told you, I'm not following her. We just go, we leave at the morning in the same time.

You know, she's paranoid. Oh, sorry. Yes. No, I was saying, have you been following the political shenanigans in America? Yeah. That Irish family in Boston. The Democratic Convention has been happening. Yes. Can you say that as if you've perhaps once said it before?

Yeah, I really tried. Do you remember last time I was on the show, I think it was last time or one of the, with you anyway, you mentioned Brexit. Oh yeah, and you'd never heard of it. I'd never heard of it. What happened with all of that? Well, it didn't turn out that well.

Oh, never mind. So anyway... So I think Hillary Clinton has accepted the nomination... The nomination. The nomination. And Barack Obama did a big speech for her, saying that he thought she would be a good president i think he might have been teeth whitening really i don't think his teeth used to be that white well i mean already

he's thinking about the public yeah they were really i mean i know i i admit i have teeth white and so i recognize so you're saying that for being president of the United States he thought I can wipe my teeth later no I think you don't want them to be too white when you're president because you want the working people to be able to identify with you that's it oh interesting he said um one of he said I say with confidence there has never been a man or a woman not me not bill not any but not nobody not nobody misplaced confidence in his own grammar he didn't have you seen his grammar lovely old lady not me not bill nobody more qualified than hillary clinton to serve as president of the united states of america yes and everyone shit but i think him him and Bill Clinton would be more qualified

than her. Why? Because they've already done the job. Like, whenever you go for a job, it's always someone who's already basically done the job before that gets the job. Yeah, but he meant when they became when they became president, he meant. Really?

Yes. Oh, okay. Of course he did. That's what it would mean like that. Silly. And the big end to the speech was that, um, Hillary claim that came out at the end. That was a big surprise. It was. She kept that quiet. Well, it

sort of explains Bill's behaviour a bit more. And the haircut. No. No, I mean, no, she just came out from behind. No, she i mean no she just came out from behind no she came on stage she came out from behind um barack obama she's been doing that thing when you put your arms onto their armpits and do all the i wondered why you lit a cigarette and had a drink it did look awkward i couldn't work it out. That would have been brilliant.

Yeah. Especially that bit when she made him teeth whiten. No, so she came out and it was a very big day. They hugged like there was no tomorrow. Now, the hug, I found, I thought it was a pretty good hug. Yeah, it seemed genuine to me. What about that for it yeah sticking my neck out there but the fact that it seemed genuine sort of made me think it was quite rehearsed and they'd really thought about it because there were a number of decisions

i think they made so firstly she went over the top you know when you hug yeah there's an underneath person unless you do one arm over one arm under but usually there's an underneath person, unless you do one arm over, one arm under, but usually there's an over-the-hug person and an under-the-hug person. Yeah, who has the higher arms. There's a top and a bottom. There is? Yeah. Yeah.

It's like, if you imagine the arms as bands, she went upper band and he went lower band. Now, Hilary's five foot six. I haven't been upper band since i toured with the spice girls in 1991 it's all right to smoke in here um yes that's true and he's five and he's six foot one so that's but it's sort of saying just don't think because she's the woman she has to take the lower band on her ob. Yeah, and she is the one who's taking over, so she gives the, and it's quite maternal, and it's like, okay, I'm in charge.

And if he had gone over the top, it would have been like, ah, little Hillary. No, what they should have done, they should have started with little Hillary. Yeah. And then he could have had the upper band. And then she could have wrestled. No, but that would have suggested the taking're taking over yeah maybe they should have done it what if she just she just ran at him and he catches her in the air but if she'd have gone up up higher to say i'm going to be the next president and then he'd have thought but

hold on i'm still facing it so he'd have gone and then it was like a fabulous a cross between the totem pole and the Indian rope trick, as they actually levitated to try and get the upper arm. Not the upper hand, but the upper arm. Yes, we'll come back to this. Let's face it, you don't often hear a hog this analysed. I think it's fair to say. Not out of a courtroom.

As I said, we're just walking in the same direction. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about the hug between

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. I didn't find the hug so awkward. The thing that I really found awkward was when he lifted her arm in the air. He didn't lift her off the ground. And swung her out. When he put her on his shoulders, that seemed out of place. What would have happened to Hillary's chances if he'd have picked her up, swung her round and round,

one of her shoes had flew off and the stiletto heel had gone into the eye of a child? Even though that couldn't possibly be her fault, I don't think she'd be... I think she'd lose millions of votes just because of her association and then a bullet suddenly landed obama he sort of lifted her arm up but he didn't quite have it properly so it was it was like his his he had to sort of half rotate his wrist kind of upside down and had her awkwardly so it was more like if when when you're taking a baby to the toilet

and when you're taking a toddler to the loo and they're sort of a bit stubborn it felt like he'd sort of, and it looked like they hadn't rehearsed it, like he'd got carried away. I'm sure they planned everything. I thought it would have been great if he'd raised their arms, he had a massive sweat patch and he was saying is this what you're going to vote for?

I'd love to get Emily's opinion on what Hil Hillary was wearing, because I thought she was sort of rocking a slightly North Korean look. It was a sort of Kim Jong ill-fitting suit. There was a bit of very good. Very good. Well, I noticed Theresa May's going for that kind of trouser suit. I think that, you know, I've long on this show been talking about the communism as an art form.

You know, I like mass marches and with mainly with missiles. But those kind of everyone wearing the same suit, I think, is a good thing. And now women leaders have started doing it. Yeah, a little bit star trek i thought the suit although i saw angela merkel in a blue crush velvet cat suit split to the waist which i'm not totally sure she carried off i enjoyed the shots of clinton when when uh obama and hillary were really hugging there were just a few shots of Bill. Yeah, as if the camera was saying,

oh, that's true, is that right, William? Yeah, it was like she was turning to him and going, the tables are turned now. Just that if she gets in, there'll just be hot male interns everywhere. Who was that? Fleeing for their lives. Who was that mock millionaire who got involved with cricket?

What was he called? Oh, Stanford? He staged a million-dollar game between England and the West Indies. And there was one point where the England wicket-keeper looked up at the stands and his wife was sitting on the millionaire's lap. And there was genuine concern in his face. I love that. Well, I think Hillary's got a mountain to climb. Sherpetence in 1953. So that's

my quote of the morning. And relax. I think there's choices that you make with a hug. So they went for eyes closed. Yes. For the hug. Did they? Yeah. That's intimate. Well, also eyes open can be a bit

like look at each other you tend to look over the shoulder don't you for a hug um i think i don't know i think if you it depends what your expression is if you look scared that's not good i think hogging women have to look happy hogging women... You have to look happy. Hogging women, generally, is a... It's a minefield. Yeah. Like, where do you smell the hair? So what's... What are your...

Where do you just lick the hair? What's the worst... What's your worst performance in a hug? I think we'll have to come back to this, because I have an obligation to play music. But can I tell you I've been instructed in the art of hugging i honestly i've had i have had proper coaching in it so maybe that will help this is frank skinner you were going to tell us about this hug training you received. Well, I'm going to tell you. I'm not necessarily the next thing that happens.

I once witnessed you involved in the most awkward hug I've ever seen. Can I get a lawyer in here before we discuss anything? I was just walking in the same direction. A couple of years ago, we did a radio thing for a different station, if we're allowed to say that on air. Did we? And where we recorded it, there was a public... You've got the right person.

This will come back to you. The other guest on was David Mitchell. And where we were gathered after the recording was a public area. I'll do the voice if you want. I can be David Mitchell. Hello Frank and Steve. It's lovely to see you all here. Well, I think we can reenact this. We're on the radio

on this other channel that I've never heard of before. I think I have. Frank, you don't seem to be aware you're even here. You've met Steve before. You're completely ignoring him. OK. And where we were after the recording, it was a public area,

so there were people who hadn't been at the recording. I think I have what you said. And a bloke came up to Frank and was like, Oh, my God, I love you so much. I want a photo. And immediately put you in a mild headlock and you had to sort of say something like i could do without the headlock which when you're posing for a photo i think is a reasonable request on your part so message from cheese so the photo

was this bloke in the middle flanked by frank and david mitchell and then the photo was taken the bloke really loudly went i can't believe i've had my photo taken with Frank Skinner and Ian Hislop. Yeah. And the look on Paul Mitchell's face. Paul Mitchell? Sorry if I missed something. David Mitchell? Paul David, no, Paul David Mitchell.

Paul Mitchell, oh, okay. Paul Mitchell, no, Paul, I was sympathising with you. I'm poor Mitchell. Oh, okay. Oh, I thought you said poor Mitchell. Oh, no, poor Mitchell. No, poor. I was sympathising with you. Hold on, I'm going to have to rinse out. It was the combination of the headlock. The headlock followed by... No, I do remember that. I don't like a headlock, generally.

I find it restricting. My problem with the woman is once I'm aware of bra strap, I feel I've encroached. Yeah. If I actually feel the clasp, I just think, oh, no, this is not my area. You know, there are days when you could just twang them playfully. So I don't like that.

I find myself hogging women from a greater and greater distance. Do you know what I mean? So it looks more like one of those shin-kicking contests you get at country fairs. Perhaps using a pair of back scratchers as extended arms. I'd be glad to do that, to have two marigolds on my back scratchers. Because otherwise, I'm always imagining that the woman is thinking,

oh, he's taking advantage of it. He's pressing my bust into his chest. Yeah. And I don't want anyone thinking that about me. All right? All right? OK. Fair enough. What's your most awkward hug? I've got photographic evidence of mine,

because I think I was at uni at a summer ball, and I had a photo taken with this girl who I was friends with, nothing more, and because it was a ball, everyone was wearing, like, dresses with, like, off-the-shoulder dresses. Yes. So I had my hand round her, my arm round her,

and my hand on her naked shoulder. that's i think that's it is okay but it's like how much of if you're gonna put palm to i felt i was young enough at the time that i found that so i made a fist so rather than actually touch her nakedness with my hand, I made a fist and it makes for an extremely awkward photograph. But that was sensitive, because no-one wants actual fingertips on a bare shoulder. Yeah. They didn't let me wear the latex gloves.

No. But it is. I'm just going to start bowing to women. Well, I was... I went to a... But it is. I'm just going to start bowing to women. Well, I was, I went to a, it was a meditation centre kind of place called Osho Leela in Dorset. And we were taught how to hog there. And in quite, quite a, it was quite a proper method. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

We've been talking about hugs. El Gordo has tweeted to say, every hug story is an awkward hug story. I'm British, for God's sake. Well, I know what he means. I'm a big hugger. You are a big hugger. I hugged another comedian recently

and i thought we hug each other and he looked at me as if to say what on earth are you doing was that this morning when i arrived no it's uh i i like it i once um i must have told you about when i'm i met arnold schwarzenegger and he offered me a low five. And I'd never seen a low five before, so I bent at an angle and shook the hands sort of sideways. I thought it was a sort of sideways handshake. And he was just unsympathetic, I think.

I once hugged Jonathan Ross on television. Did you? And we were on a very bad show, and we were in the background. Was it Pitch Invasion? Was David Mitchell there? Oh, stop it now. There was an awareness that,

I think there was an awareness that the show we'd been on was quite bad, and we were sort of stood awkwardly, as the presenters wrapped it up, we were stood there, my old sketch show, and Jonathan was stood stood there so he hugged all of us and it was it was like the eyes were closed it was an eyes closed hug just hoping that this recording would be over as soon as possible well when i was taught out to hog this was what it was that you thread your legs

in between there so it should be you can imagine a sandwich. It's their leg, your leg, their leg, your leg. Do you know what I mean? Right. So you're locked like that. And then the idea is as you breathe out, they breathe in. So you sort of, as your stomach goes out, their stomach goes in.

So you join together like... Are you sure this wasn't the Kama Sutra live? No, no. We did the Kama Sutra, I think it was two days later sure this wasn't the karma sutra live no no we did the karma sutra I think it was two days later it wasn't a joke you worked up to it so you're holding them very tight

your legs are locked as I breathe out they breathe in so it's and that's how you do it and at the end he said one thing he said no patting and I slightly patted them but you know you slightly pat the back when you said no we don't do that not even if they've got wind no definitely not because you're breathing the wind in and out of them if you how do you know my man how do you know

who breathes out and who breathes in well you have you have to, you know, I think one of you has to take the lead. It's a bit like dancing, you know. It's like when two men dance. Yeah. Yes, when two men dance. One of you has to decide who's going to lead. Breathe out. Ha!

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was a massive Elvis Costello fan, and I met him with his then-partner, Carter, who used to be a pogue. Hmm. And I kissed her. And she went, oh, no!

And it was, like, so mortifying. Wow. Because I felt like a grim opportunist. But also, it was with so mortifying because i felt like a grim opportunist but also it was like it's involved and was with elvis costello and i was really excited and i felt like i'd made the worst faux part ever i sort of phoned him to apologize after which seemed worse because i didn't have her number so phoning him was like you, I'd damaged his property in some way. That felt even... That's terrible. That's the thing that ruins hugs for me,

is my mother-in-law is a delightful lady, but she's fond of... What should be a hug, she's fond of a kiss on the lips as part of a hug. And I've talked... The various partners of my wife's siblings all have the same thing, that Libby Gregory is a... She's a lovely lady, but she's a lip-kisser. Libby Gregory, I know.

It ends up... You sort of end up developing St Vitus dance, trying to duck and weave your way out of a lip-kiss. I don't... I can't think of anyone who I lip-kiss. Well, I can't think of anyone. Simple as that. Just slip some tongue next time, that's my advice. No, I can't think of anyone. Simple as that. Just slip some tongue next time, that's my advice.

No. One of the good things, don't slip some tongue. Have a little bit of liver in your mouth. And put it in so she's shocked that you've slipped some tongue. And then when you withdraw, it's still there. If you're lucky, if it works really well, you might get a faint. Not that I believe in fainting, of course. It's a phenomenon. Well, on the Hillary thing, though, I once saw this...

A senior American politician, and he was sort of visiting these local congressmen, and they got on stage, and he held his arm up the way Obama held Hillary's arm up. And he leaned across, and he was a bit too close to the microphone and you heard him say, it's the symbolism we're after. Oh!

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Steve Hall and Gareth Richards. Well done. That took a moment to come there, but you remembered.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had a tweet from Paul Hodson who says, Great to hear Frank quoted on BBC Radio 4 today's Thought for the Day programme. Hashtag, you've arrived. I was quoted on Thought for the Day. Thought for the Day.

I think you'll find that Frank arrived some time ago. I know, indeed, Paul. I think I've been rapidly looking it up in response to the tweet. I believe this morning's Thought for the Day, you're across the channels. This is across the different stations. Not very topical, what, with the Brexit thing.

There's a gentleman called Jasveer Singh who was talking about it being the 50th anniversary of Britain, of England's World Cup win. Yes. So I haven't been able to find what the quote is. Well, that's good. At least it has to do with that and not like you know the decline of morality no no that's true just a bit from an old stand-up special no it's good i've never really thought of a box the teak book being quoted on thought for the day but it definitely counts

i've done test match special this is all right fantastic and frank will be reading out his cv live all over the country if you certain gigs you do that you do feel oh this is on my list of things one would like to do this is it's like the uh equivalent of the egot you know like the emmy grammy oscar and tony oh i didn't i didn't know that i thought that was uh again i thought that was from return of the jr i think there's a very small number of people who've done... Who've got an EGOT. Who've got an EGOT. But maybe all you need is Gardener's Question Time and you can complete the set.

Yeah, that was a good quote. No, I've never done Gardener's Question Time, it's true. That's not a hint, if you listen to anyone else. I don't feel I could really contribute, to be honest. I could talk about my spider bite. Anyway. It's very good. It's really like a spider's actual bite. It's very realistic.

I wanted to talk about Switzerland. Oh, not this again. They'll give the gold back when they're good and ready. And I'm not making suggestions to Frank. Oh, go on. It's been hot news from Switzerland this week. It's emerged this week that it's illegal to own just one pet goldfish in Switzerland. What?

to own just one pet goldfish in Switzerland. What? Animal rights legislation brought in in 2008 has deemed that fish are social animals and that they shouldn't live in isolation, so that if you endeavour to own a goldfish, you have to have at least two, so they don't get lonely. It's a lovely idea, actually. I bet it's a tax dodge, you know, in the Swiss.

It's something to do, some misunderstanding of the gold reserves. It means you are allowed two gold bullion fish to stop parling Nazi goldfish. No, it is a nice thing. I remember listening to Radio 1 many years ago when it had middle-aged men hosting it. And, um and leave it. And some woman

I suppose she must have phoned in or I don't know pigeon something and she said that she never put knives and forks in the same section in her drawer because she imagined they'd squabble here in the night.

And she knew they wouldn't on one level, but on another level she could never quite shrug that off. And it's a bit more realistic than that, but the idea of a goldfish thinking, oh, great, I've got a mate coming in here. Yeah, yeah. What's those beads hanging off the... Oh, do I get that it's disgusting

i thought it was thought he had blinds fitted frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio well six uh nine seven like that frank he said if I'm ever stupid enough to get married again, would Frank DJ at my reception? Top tunes. No, I wouldn't. I don't think I'd be very... I've had a little go at DJing, and I did some of that what they call falling down the stairs,

which I haven't done since my drinking day. It's when you don't quite mix them right and they sound a bit like they've crashed into each other. It's not as easy as it looks, DJ. And we've got a message from 468. Frank, I'm obsessed with the cutlery drawer. I have to check it when my husband does the pots because I hate to see the different cutlery

cohabiting in the wrong sections. Well, I hate to see that, but I don't think they're going to squabble. But my partner, she is a bit devil may care with the distribution of knives, forks and spoons, and I don't like it. You know, I don't like

it. That's all I'm saying. What I normally say is, I don't like it! All right! But it's not worth falling out about. Apparently it's not just goldfish this law applies to. We were talking about... Oh, no, that'd be ridiculous. It's guinea pigs and budgies

as well. You can't have an only child in Switzerland apparently. You can, I'll add that on. I like they've got fiercely draconian immigration policies, but very, very liberal when it comes to the animals. I didn't know they did that. 260 says, on the subject of budgies,

and did we mention budgies before? We did, yes, we did indeed. I have a budgie called Hamish. I've had him two years and it's very hard to get anything for him besides seeds and sand sheets because budgies have gone out of fashion. And even pets at home told me nobody has budgies anymore. He has had the same toys in his cage for months. It's really sad.

Alexandra from Liverpool. No, that is... that's bad. It's a tale of sadness we've painted there. See, someone sent in earlier and said it should be a whatever happened to bodges. And I just thought that now there's loads of bodges about, but maybe... What about coalfish?

I guess they're booming with all the bodges out in the picture. It's been great news for them. See, when they get to coal levels, the bodges will make their comeback. They talk, don't they, as well, bodges? Yeah. They're the gift that keeps on giving. They should never be part of a heist.

Or a criminal scene. No, I wouldn't do that with a... Sing like a canary. Canary's different to bodges. But see, it is in the rule in Switzerland that you can't have one bodge. Yes, that is. But they love a mirror.

That's what they love. They've chatted to a mirror for ages. Maybe they'd just chat to each other if there were two of them. Yeah. No, I think they'd prefer reality TV stars. They'd prefer a mirror to another one. Presumably it's a tricky crime

to bust if you've only got one goldfish. It's a raid. It is, yeah. How would you find that out? Because even the goldfish doesn't remember. No, that is a very good point. How would you find it? You'd need informers. Yeah.

Just the cat is never like the goldfish, just having a quiet word with the fuzz. Cats, if you've got a cat in Switzerland, you... It has to have nine tails. No, you have to either let it out so it can see other cats... No, really? ..or if you're going to just keep it in the house, you have to have two cats. This is a bit ironic, isn't it? In the country that invented the cuckoo clock,

perhaps the most notorious loner of the natural world, the clock-dwelling cuckoo, what are they going to do about those? Going to be the cuckoo's clock? Two of them come out, one does the cuck and one does the oo. You have to keep them in time or they'll be lonely and there'll be a terrible irony to it There'll be two of them come out. One does the cook and one does the urban, and then they... You have to keep them in time, or they'll be lonely, and there'll be a terrible irony to it

that there are two of them, but one's out of sync. I think they should come out... The other? They should be mounted. Well, that's quite close. As long as the top one keeps his head down when they come out,

there won't be a problem. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. 840 has said we've been talking about how you have to have two goldfish, at least two goldfish in Switzerland. Otherwise it's animal cruelty because fish are social animals. You have to keep them together, obviously. Yeah. Presume. Or give them good them together, obviously. Yeah. Presume.

Or give them good internet access so they can communicate. Yeah, but if you had them in separate rooms, could you use that as a defence? Well, it depends whether, I mean, if they don't get on, I guess, well, these two, I'll read you about this. 840 says, we had two fish, Matt and Kelsey. Unfortunately, Matt ate Kelsey and ruined our chances of ever moving to Switzerland. Yeah, he was right. Like... I mean, they needed to be separated.

Maybe if they're glass tanks, I think different rooms wouldn't work. But if they're in the same room, they could signal to one another. No, I don't know if they can do that. I'm not sure about... Did they telepathic goldfish? At 12.fish? Through the

tank. How do they communicate by touch? Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I suppose thinking about the appearance of a goldfish, like one on its own, it looks like it's in its own Guantanamo Bay jumpsuit already. Just the garb.

The natural garb. In solitary. I always think of the slightly know-it-all goldfish in The Cat in the Hat. Oh, yes. And it does make me think... The warrior. Yeah, exactly.

I like that. I feel like that goldfish, I think of all child fiction that I've read, apart from maybe Eeyore, is the character I most feel connected to. Because I know exactly how he feels. Oh, it's a nag. What are you doing, everybody? Stop it! We're going to get into trouble!

Is it a hate? That's exactly how I feel. Well, he is in my mind. Is it me? In your sexist mind. Have you ever owned fish? Mind your own business. I've got one nearly all the way to the bus stop in a plastic bag from the fair before it died.

I think they got them from a fish hospice at the fair. They never seemed to last very long at all. I used to get a priest to accompany it home. So I think that's the closest. I've had one in a bag. I've never had one in a tank. Yeah, I got one from a fair once, and I thought I was doing the right thing by...

I released it into a drain, thinking that I was helping. That's good, isn't it? Now I've cleaned up the sewers with my soap bits. Like, where do goldfish live in nature? Because they're not like, it's not the sea, is it? They're not the sea. There's some in Finding Nemo, aren't there? I don't think so.

Because they must be fresh water because you don't put salt in, do you? It's sea salt. You'd need it to be salty in the sea. Maybe they live in there. But then, river doesn't seem right, does it? Well, don't they grow quite big in nature because they've not got a tank

to restrict them? No, in nature. Where is that? I went out with a woman who had fish of various kinds, the tropicalis. And I decided it would be a really good laugh to put some plastic fish in amongst them.

So I went to Camden Market and I bought about ten of these little plastic fish and I put them in the tank and I'm just waiting to see how much she noticed. Anyway, I stayed the night, I'll be straight with you, and the next morning she got up to make breakfast, and she said, all the fish have died.

And I thought, no, she's seen the plastic ones. But no, they had all died. And there was obviously something quite toxic in the plastic fish. It had killed every... So I said, look, I'll do it. I know it's upsetting. So I had to get the net and there was some real fish

and some plastic fish. I mean, I feel terrible about it now, but, you know, what can I... Did you come clean or did you... No, did I? Eccles life. Flaming Nora. Hopefully she isn't listening to this.

Not many people are. This is Hopefully she isn't listening to Liz. Not many people are. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. The thing is, though, if you have to have more than one animal in a tank or cage, the problem is that if you can choose the person you live with that's quite a nice thing to have but if you can't choose the person you live with like we had two um russian dwarf hamsters and um russian dwarf hamsters it's a type of hamster and they're small they're minute they're little

they would really i thought they'd be massive. And they wear big fur hats. No, that's not true. No, they don't. That's not true. And one of them, I think the mistake we got was we got, they're miniature hamsters, but we got a normal size cage with normal size gap between the bars. And one of the hamsters clearly didn't like the other hamster or living

with us i don't know which it was but he managed to get so far he got his head through the cage yeah bars but then got got stuck there and in the morning he'd completely fallen asleep and um and my mum said he didn't like the other hamsters so he went to live somewhere else and um but that's the problem isn't it that you might not like the person you're living with yeah hell is other hamsters yeah i mean you gotta say it's not a new idea is it animals two by two i think it's been it has been done before quite successfully, really. I don't remember. I suppose the goldfish didn't...

When Noah said to them, they said, no, you're all right. No, but they're freshwater, so maybe freshwater fish... It was rain, though. It was rain. So it was the water down the saltiness. There might be some salt, but then what about the saltfish? What happened then? Did the freshwater creatures and the sea creatures

all mix up together because the rain sort of diluted it into a semi-saline solution? I think there would have had to have been an aquarium on the ark for the freshwater fish. Don't be ridiculous. That's the most far-fetched thing I've ever heard in my life. But if, right, if I was going to put you in a tank... Yeah.

..and you can either be there by yourself or I will put in a person that you are not allowed to choose, just a person I will choose. Could it be Linda Lussard? No, you're not allowed to choose the person who it is. Would you rather be by yourself or would you like what's in the mystery box? I think I'd like to be by myself, please.

I quite like being by myself in a tank, especially. I remember when we invaded Hungary in 56. I was on my own in a tank. Man, I had the best time. Well, it's like they're called... I mean, they're isolation tanks for a reason. Oh, yeah. If it was a company tank.

I find I've become more and more, as I've got older, a more isolated, solitary, lone wolf. How about wolf? What about if you keep a wolf in Switzerland? Yeah. You can't have a lone wolf. Absolutely ridiculous. Draconian.

That's what it is. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Draconian. That's what it is. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did I tell you I'm going to Harry Potter today? To the world premiere. Oh, that's exciting. The new play?

The new play. Very exciting. Got ticket in pocket. Is Buzz coming? Is he old enough to enjoy it? Too scary. Too scary for a four year old I think. Probably Ron Longanoff

for him to be able to go to. I'm guessing. Joe Strahan said on Twitter, I was told Noah had lots of different goldfish koi, etc. in layers on his boat. And this was the first multi-storey carpark. I think that's how it was explained to him.

No, that should be carp. Carpark. And it would have been a carp ark. A carp ark. Maybe that's where it comes from. My dad brought a cat back from the pub once. In the days when dad brought a cat back from the pub once, in the days when men always brought things back from the pub,

things like scallions, little seedlings, and he bought... What is a scallion? Scallions are like an onion thing. It's just all weird stuff. He bought a cat back. I remember he brought it into the house, and we had lace curtains, as everyone did at the time, and it ran up the curtains and it held on.

It sort of used the little holes in the lace curtains as a climbing frame. And it got to the top and it clung on and then it did a sort of an arrow flinting where it steadily slid down, tearing the curtains into shreds with its claws. Those were the days. Wow. So, and Harry Potter, is that, it's a new story, is it?

Yes, it is a new story. Wow. The Cursed Child. Wow. And it's in the future. Well, it's in the future because it doesn't start until 2 o'clock. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I went to see the BFG. Ah, yes. The movie of the BFG. Good. And I'm a big Spielberg fan, so, and I like the book, Late Review, really good book. Yeah. And really good, yeah, really good yeah really good film i really liked it um i went with ethan because he's seven and he's a bit old for elijah because it's a bit scary these are garrett's

kids these are my children yes um and elijah isn't quite ready for the cinema we took him to c1 and he was like he just kept saying this is boring really loudly what was it it was utopia was it eustropolis it's one of those things right yeah and he was not right i thought i thought when you said this is what you're going to say it was like it was it's the lives of others or something really yeah the remains of the day he hated hated it. I was in a restaurant with my... in a restaurant with my son recently and he refused to stop doing the

falsetto bit from The Lion Sleeps Tonight. So the point where I had to take him out of the restaurant. So he just kept doing ooooh and I said, just stop it. Just stop it, everybody. And it'd be a slow pause you had to take him a whim away

yeah anyway so um and i i was i was sensible i wore even though it was quite a warm summer's day i wore my big parka drinks in the pocket because ethan can't have sugary drink like that's too sugary the soft drinks you'll go absolutely mad so i had two big drinks two oranges for crows as well if i remember right and um but then i was really sucked in because they had really good merchandise for the bfg so for the drinks you could buy like a jar like the dream jars that he keeps the dreams in i don't know the bfg oh it's a wonderful tale um lovely there's um there's big giants that are going into places and eating children yes bad big bad giants yeah yeah the really big and then the bfg let me get this right the

small dwarf hamster's a big giant well the big friendly giant yeah is there a need for the big well i think it's good to establish what bfg stands for or it just sounds like he's a very very big giant well because and also in the story there's um in the story there's bigger giants oh are there so really he's the slightly smaller friendly giant that must happen with giants well that's that's why you need the extra letters because the the bigger giants is just the bgs around eating children and um and the bad the bad giants are going and eating children and then the big friendly giant he just kidnaps a child and doesn't eat her

this is the story it's all relative anyway the weird thing is the BFG really looks like my father-in-law he's from Hampshire so he's got a bit of a voice an accent a bit like the BFG. Yeah.

And he's got my, my family have quite big ears. Oh, how tall is he? Um, 18 foot. I just realised, I thought you were wearing, um, headphones, but it turns out you are. He's not that tall, is he? No, he's not, he's normal height. Oh, okay. You know, he is like the BFG, not the size.

He's not big, but he is like the bfg and other not the size it's not big but he is friendly my um my son looks like a celebrity or you yeah so um look thank you so much for listening uh this morning thank you to uh steve and gareth hey the boys the lads, the fellas, the chaps. Yeah, geezers. Eh? No tea. Geezers. Geezers. Blop, blop.

I don't know why. Turned out to be Peter Beansley saying geezers over and over. I don't know why. Yes, Daniel Perry is coming up next. And thanks for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

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