The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Lonely

Episode Date: September 16, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is back with Emily and Alun. The team discuss Marilyn Manson and Justin Bieber's feud, Lethal Bizzle and Judi Dench's collaboration, Frank's tactic for when you're on your own at social events AND a rare treat, comedian Alex Horne pops in to discuss series five of Taskmaster.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner and I'm on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. And you can text us on 81215, go on, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's lovely to have you back, Big Daddy. We missed you. Thank you so much. Morning, Frank. Good morning.

A little bit more formal, that one. We're thinking maybe it was food poisoning that kept me away last week. Are we? Oh, yeah. Slightly under-warmed up minced beef. Oh. Well, that's what your cast said when I saw her in the week.

She was really a bit bad. Well, my manager is a scientist. Oh, yeah. See your cast said when I saw her in the week. She was really a bit bad. Well, my manager is a scientist. Oh, yeah. See, I said, well, mince beef. On many things. I said, you're safe on mince beef, surely, because it's just little things to warm up rather than one big thing. He said, no, that's your problem.

Did he? He said it's like rice, warm-up rice. It's a death trap. Did you say no every time? But you know why? He explained to me because bacteria they grow on surface area

Yeah and if you cut things into lots of small things or like rice come in small things gives them loads of surface area Well this is all very well Frank

a little bit less tomorrow as well a little bit more bringing the Benjamins in Okay Maybe he could focus on that Yes

I don't think I've ever heard you say that with that tone before. What else of Benjamin? Benjamin Franklin. Money. Who I believe is on the money. Yeah. On the American money. It's all about the money.

I hang out with a lot of their money. I thought it was some sort of Floella Benjamin. Is this really the first time someone's referred to money as Benjamins in your company? Yes. Have you heard it before, Al? Yeah. Yeah, thank you. Oft?

No, that's a complete... Isn't it lovely when you discover something new? It's less lovely when you think, well, I'll never use that. What about... Well, you can use it for your agent. What about folding? Has anybody ever said folding? Folding, of course.

All right. Spondoolies. Spondoolies. Cash. You've used the phrase cash. At bars. Yeah. Which I think is something they used to use in the British Army.

They picked up from their travels. Pesos, lira. I suppose you know what... I don't want to go down the individual currencies. You're right. There might be new listeners here thinking, shall I shunter? They've gone.

Yeah. Unless they're from the Bureau de Charge. Yeah. They are long gone. We'll need those again soon. You don't want that as a texting? What do you call money? What do you call money?

No, I want to text... Have we done moolah? You call that money? Question mark. No, enough. Enough money. I'll tell you what I wouldn't mind. Yeah, that's what I've heard.

I'll tell you. More than... No. I, um... Come on, mate. I'll tell you what I would't mind. Yeah, that's what I've heard. I'll tell you. More than... No. I, um... Come on, Frank. I'll tell you what I wouldn't want to know as a texting. Yeah. Should we start with the texting?

Like proper radio shows do. Firstly. Favourite colour? 8, 12, 15. That's what they do on Capitol. It goes down a storm. Pink, FYI. Okay.

I'm glad that you're not afraid for it to be pink. I know, I love pink. Because I think a lot of women in the modern age think I love pink, but I don't want to be one of those women who love pink, so they claim they love something else, and we know they love pink. I had a gay man the other day tell me he liked green. Come on! I know what your favourite colour is.

Now, here's what I'd like. You know when a waiter comes over and says, everything all right with your meal? Yeah. Yeah. Do you always say, yeah, it's lovely, thanks, even if it's actually quite average? Right, yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, this is me we're talking about. Yeah. But I do do that, yeah, I think. I was having breakfast and the manager of the place we're talking about. Yeah. But I do do that, yeah. I think. I was having breakfast and the manager of the place said to me, everything all right with the breakfast? This is just a couple of weeks ago.

Nice restaurant? Good team leader? It was a nice, yeah, very nice place. And he said, everything all right? I said, I'll be honest with you. Oh, God.

I don't like the sausage very much Which is a perfect ask me I obviously wouldn't ask me direct I said I don't like the sausage But he did say something which I thought Redeemed the whole sausage situation I said I'll be honest I don't like the sausage very much

He said Too Germanic And I said for me I'll be honest, I don't like the sausage very much. He said, too Germanic. And I said, for me? For me, too? I'm not saying it's too Germanic in the abstract, but for me it is a little bit too Germanic. Do you know what?

I think he'd be a lovely little friend for you. Don't you think? I think you both approach life from the same way. I like that. But I wonder if any of our readers have actually had the courage to say. I like that. But I wonder if any of our readers have actually had the courage to say because you do I felt like I

actually sort of apologised after for being honest which is a strange state of affair. I think a man did it in

La Miserable but other than that it doesn't normally happen in the normal world. But yeah he did look I

felt that part of his visage his, friendly visage sort of fell away when I said, I'm not sure about the sausage. But what a comeback. Oh, yeah. Too dramatic. Bravo. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I was in a restaurant once with my father in Greece and he was angry because he'd been waiting some time for the food. And he said to the waiter, is everything OK? I did a Greek accent, but it's a spirit of holiday. It's OK. He said, my dad said, the food is wonderful,

but the service is excreble. And the waiter said, yes, but the moon, she is very beautiful. I love that man. That is, that's a great comeback. That's classy. That's up there with the sausage man.

Excellent work. Sorry. A text from 619. I'm going to bring a healthy dose of suspicion to this story Go on Let's go with it You've pulled a carpet under the pool

Pretend I didn't say that Let's see if we I'll pretend you didn't say that Yeah I've tried that in my relationship I once asked a waiter if next time they could burn the sprouts on the outside but leave them frozen on the inside He said no, they wouldn't do that.

To which I said, well, you did tonight. I can believe that. So what are your... It's not exactly wild, Ian. I think it is. It's not exactly, ah, but tomorrow, Bessie, I will be sober or whatever. I believe 619.

What about that? Do you? I believe 619. There's your t-shirt yeah yeah I believe 619 wouldn't be a bad t-shirt

for people thinking oh that looks quite like a cool thing it's probably something to do with you know some sci-fi I just felt like it was more like

a social movement oh honestly I went to Madame Tussauds did you? extraordinary decision how was it? did you like it? do you remember I once had a text in

what do people get out of visiting Madame Tussauds well I thought I'll put my well that's how I put my money I'll put my complimentary ticket where my mouth is so I took my five. I put my complimentary ticket where my mouth is. So I took my five-year-old child, Bas. Oh, and I think that's allowed if you're taking... Yeah.

If it's a first visit for a child. Next gen, as I call him. Although kind of weird. Like Chris Eubank. Because he's met the real-life celebrities a few times, presumably. Well, he hasn't met that many celebrities. You know, I don't live that kind of... First wedding he ever went to, Steve Buscemi was the best man.

You're not disproving my point here. He's met Buzz Aldrin. He has met Buzz Aldrin as well. OK. David Baddiel. Well, there is a thing. You took him to loads of waxworks. Yeah.

David Baddiel charged him ten quid for an autograph. Yeah. David Bill charged him ten quid for an autograph. No, we went to Madame Tussauds because there's a Star Wars thing and he's utterly, utterly... Oh, is there a Star Wars thing? Yeah. Oh.

Which I must say was a tremendous... I mean, it's a photo opportunities place. That's what it is. Darth Vader's an easy call on the old model-making front, isn't it? Yeah. Just put the hat on. I could have done that one. They're all there.

No, no. Let Steve have a turn. Also, Chewbacca. I'll do that. Since the accident. He only does motocross champions and Darth Vader. Give him a break. He had his photo I took with the Donald Trump thing.

Did he? Yeah. Nice. Anyway, I sent it to his auntie. Picture of Buzz and... Can I just say, is it in a sort of mocked up Oval Office? Yeah, Oval Office. But she sent me a text back that said oh, where's that?

I thought, well... Have a guess. Not Washington. What is that? I thought well have a guess not Washington what is that? anyway so I'll tell you what really shocked me about the place

is the people it's so manic people are racing around right from would you call them dummy? from mannequin

to mannequin yeah wax work or in the Star Wars thing from mannequin to mannequin. Yeah, waxworks. Or in the Star Wars thing, from mannequin to Anakin. Oh, nice. I mean, that just came to me. I didn't know I was going to say that,

ladies and gentlemen. But they are, these, they're not going anywhere, these models. No. But people are really, there's Brad Pitt, as if, like, you have to be,

if it was Brad Pitt. People are rushing around as if they've got the heating on and this is time-sensitive. And they take selfies, presumably, with these people. They don't have to ask them. It's the fantasy, really. It is, and you realise that people, they're real celebrities. It just makes it all a bit more difficult.

Yeah. You're much better with the real deal. With the model. The waxworks has never said, oh, I'm really sorry, I don't want to be in this selfie. It's never done that. I'll tell you what upset me. John Wayne was very neglected, just standing in a corner,

nobody was having a photo with him or anything. Well, this is what happens. How do you think Sue Pollard feels, you know? These we have loved. She wasn't there unless she's Darth Vader. Oh, Emperor. I told Miss Cathcart, she said, they're heading towards the death star.

But no, but they don't... Just one yellow pom-pom earring on. But I did not see any 20th century murderers in their own clothes which used to be the great thing at Madame Tussauds what do you mean? when people were executed

the police used to give the suit they used to somehow acquire suits of people like Christie and stuff so the models would be wearing the real suits. Oh, really? That was thrilling. Yeah.

But there was none of that. They always, when I used to go when I was a child, they had a sort of slightly ghoulish section. Oh, they still have a... I mean, it's more now, it's like a sort of a Sherlock Holmes thing. Okay. Perhaps it's not politically correct now

to have murderers in their own clothes. No. There's probably a little charity shop, Murderous Clothes, somewhere. Probably like Northampton, I'm guessing. Where they go. Yeah. I mean, you know, I might have worn murderous clothes myself.

You never know what you're getting from Oxford. Maybe that's what the clown's wearing. Northampton clown? What clown? I mean, that's what the clown's wearing. A Northampton clown. What clown? I mean, that's showbiz. Yeah, exactly. How quickly we forget. Oh, man, he didn't stay consistent, you see.

He had the big flashes. It's a big year for him as well with that It's Out. Yeah. You know, the Stephen King's out, isn't it? That's why What Clown. It was terrible timing. They always say with PR, don't do it too early. True. If the Northampton clan's listening,

I think you should be in the exercise yard by now. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Whenever I hear a James Bay track, I'm always listening to hear if I can hear the brim of his hat rubbing across the top of the microphone holder. But you know what? Thin hair.

And he's made the rest of it. Holding back the river. Creepy that sound though. Don't like that noise. That was lovely James. Can you just tip your hat just back a bit? What do you mean? Tip hat just back a bit? What do you mean? Tip my head back

a bit. Is that your speaking voice? That's my James Bain voice. Are we doing that at St. Bob's in about

20 years' time, I reckon? James Bain? Yeah. It's always good to have that in your arsenal. I think he'll

do all right. I think he's done all right, hasn't he? Yeah. He's fine. He's fine. Don't worry about it. He's done all right, hasn't he? Yeah. It's fine. It's fine. Don't worry about it.

794 has asked, good morning, Frank Allen, and the delightful Emily. Thank you. Oh, that Emily. That Emily. Ree at the restaurant, why is it when you get asked if everything is okay with your meal, one always has a full mouthful, cannot reply? I hate that. I hate that. I hate that little delay.

I think he's about to tell me, relax the embargo on speaking with your mouth full. Oh, absolutely not. I thought you had. I think we have to tighten that up. Do you? Oh, no. I just think, come on.

I think we need stricter laws on this. You know, we've got less time in the world now. Everything's bang, bang, bang. You can't have this, oh, mm, mm. No, no, we need to, no, no. Come on. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I've moved. Everything's bang, bang, bang. You can't have this, oh, mm, mm. No, no, we need to, no, no, come on. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I've moved train seats

because of that. You've moved train seats? Yeah. Where did you put them? No, I mean, I've changed the place I'm sitting in. If there's someone opposite me,

if I make the mistake of sitting at one of those tables and then somebody gets on and is like, chewing their lunch, I just get my stuff and go, I'll just move carriage. Oh, no, I'm with you, Al. Good. I don't like... Chewing their lunch. I just get my stuff and go... I just move carriage. Oh, no, I'm with you, Al.

Good. I don't like eating in the street either. I don't mind that so much. Yeah, well, some people don't have any choice. OK? And I'm talking banana skins out of a bin. So, funny, is it? Listen, I was at the Albert Hall.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, I was at the Albert Hall. Oh yeah? Yeah. Oh, you've been around this week. I went to see And they're quite 70s places, Madam Tussauds and the Albert Hall. Yeah, and then I went to Wimpy. And did you park immediately outside like David Baddiel always does?

Of course, it's easy yeah so well bear in mind I was ill last week so I've got two weeks of things I've done this was actually ten days ago but I thought it won't bother people with that, turns out I was

pressured into it I went to see some Russian music I particularly like Prokofiev's Violin Concerto No. 1, but let's not dwell on it. Okay. He's got depths. He's got depths, hasn't he? During the interval, I've got me depths.

You love your depths, don't you? I do. I do, Mother. A woman come up to me in the interval and said, now, she said, I've got to tell you something, and I know this isn't your favourite role, she said, but I'm a clinical psychologist. She said, when I get back in the evening,

I always feel a bit tense. Not always, she said, but I have some bad days. If I have a bad day, I love to watch you. And she said, can you guess what I love to watch? Thank God I didn't guess. I said, no, I can't. What is it? She said, you as Malcolm Tucker.

Oh, my God. Wow. I thought, I need a haircut. So Malcolm Tucker was obviously played by Peter Capaldi. So I said, yeah, it's a very fine part. And when she heard my accent in her eye I saw a slight oh my god it's not him but I didn't want to completely

Did you wish you'd gone with Scottish? Maybe I should have tried, I'd just gone with it, I've done that in the past. Did she fess up? No, she went away looking like, I mean she's a clinical psychologist, you can

physician heal thyself if you're upset by it Did you say there, did you say therapise that? What is it with you and that? No I said it's a very fine role no mistaking what if I'd done that though?

Ho ho, it what a beauty. Oh, man, that would have been... People looking round, you know, is that Frank Skinner? He's Scottish. The whole Birmingham thing was just a facade to make me light. Yeah, it was a long shot, but it worked. Came off. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I tell you who I've been reading. Yeah, what was that? John le Carré. Lovely. Love a spy novel. Who knew? What? Very good, John le Carré. Lovely. Love a spy novel. Who knew?

What? Very good, John le Carré. Oh, he's great. I think that is known, isn't it? I think that's known. This is part of our late review. Oft adapted to the film, isn't it? Well, Adrian Child said to me,

I downloaded a John le Carre novel, and I read seven straight off. Right. Slow week. And I thought, oh, there must be something in it. So it took me about a year, but then I started with number one. And yeah, top notch. I love page turners. I love a page turner.

They're well-written page turners, which is the dream. Paul Burrell, he was a page turner. But I'm keeping it topical here on Absolute Radio. I love some Paul Burrell material. But I'm keeping it topical here on Absolute Radio. I love some Paul Burrell material. I remember doing a joke about him. Do you remember the stuff about, he'd had loads of stuff from Princess,

which turns out he hadn't, can I make that clear? No. The Queen testified he hadn't. Exactly. But there was something about him climbing through the window. Where did she live? Kensington Palace? Yes, yeah. And he said he was just going in to put the clocks back.

Anyway, he's on somewhat recently, wasn't he? Didn't someone have a psychic experience with him? Yeah, there's a show they do where they go into therapy on telly, which is a really healthy thing to do. And they get filmed talking about their problems. I think it's very important to get that out there on telly. On Channel 5, yeah.

Anyway, there was a... John the Carrow then was doing a talk at the Southbank Centre. So I thought, he's got a new book out and stuff. So I thought, you know, when you just get into someone and then you get, so I was quite excited. And I got there and I was on my own.

Adrian Charles was late. And so I went into the do beforehand. I crossed the velvet rope, and there were people standing around drinking white wine. I didn't know anybody at all. Did you meet JLC? No, no, he wasn't. He's above that. Justy Lee Collins was there.

He's a very nice bloke. He was a friend of my parents. Yeah, he wasn't there. He wasn't. This is true. No, you just... David, we called him. Did you? David.

Oh, brilliant. No, he wasn't there. It was a carry-out. Okay. Oh. So anyway, I got a glass of water, and I felt really sort of, you know that horrible, awkward, I don't know anyone in the room,

and I thought, I walked up to a group of people and I said I'm lonely, please talk to me. And they started talking to me and I thought that's what I'm going to do from now on in those situations.

Why not just lay on the table? Can I ask you something? I didn't lay it on the table, it would have been on my genie. That would have been a talking point. Exactly. Do you think that perhaps the cloak of celebrity

assisted you in this case? Let's be honest here, because if I did that or, you know, any other regular punter. It might be dangerous for a woman Oh yeah. But let's say anyone else did that. People might eye you with suspicion whereas they're getting an anecdote out of you. It's a bit like when you walked into a total

stranger's house and said can you feed me? Yeah that was also true. To be fair I was carrying an axe. No. If any of our readers would like to try this over the week, let us know, it goes.

Remember that again, I'm lonely, please talk to me. Was it a nice conversation, Frank? Yeah, it was, you see, because immediately they were disarmed because they were helping me out, they were doing a good deed. Oh yeah, they reckon if you show vulnerability to someone,

it brings the best out of the person you're speaking to. So it could have done that. Didn't work when I was a hostage. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Your little life hack for being at a social gathering and going up. What was the exact phrase that you used? I'm lonely, please talk to me. Well, it's split opinion.

We've had one message saying, if your name is Franco Skinnerith, you'd probably get away with, I'm lonely, please talk to me. But Joseph Bloggetty probably wouldn't. I don't know if that's true. You know what the problem is? People don't like the L word. It's about Tommy Gotler. Lonely if that's true. You know what the problem is? People don't like the L word. It's about how long we've got there.

That's true. But actually, on the other side of the argument is a message saying, last week at a party, a lady came up to us and said, I don't know anyone here. Can I talk to you? I thought then I would use this if I'm ever in the same position.

You see? It does happen. I think it's a good idea. Let's bring the world together. What we need is a great big melting pot. Big enough. Take the world and all its guard. Anyway, it's...

Oh, yes. So at half time in the John le Carré event, I went back into that area behind the velvet rope. There was nothing. Everything had gone. There was nothing. Everything had gone. There was just some empty water bottles. Oh, right. There had been refreshments.

And then Richard Brooks came in. He was quite a sort of top-notch columnist from the Sunday Times, desperate for a drink. There was nothing. Oh, no. We were standing there. What sort of a drink was he desperate for? Just fluid.

He was thirsty. We were behind the velvet rope, but there was nothing. You wouldn't want to be behind the velvet rope. It was like after the nuclear attack. Yeah. And he ended up drinking, you know, you don't get water just left in a glass by someone. Oh, wow.

It was like survive. Sounds like a Bear Grylls programme. My can of pale ale. Exactly. Come on Exactly I was thinking Sorry Al Was there not just like a public area? Was this a VIP bit? There was a public area

but once you've gone behind the velvet rope you feel a bit of an idiot coming out Well you feel committed to staying there don't you? Right Even though as is so often the case sometimes it's not better to be in the velvet rope Well this one it felt like one of those areas

the police cordon off if there's been a traffic incident or something of that nature. They shouldn't have got rid of the velvet road and bring out the tape. Blue and white tape. Honestly. Also, I thought about this for another feature. Things I wish I'd kept. Oh, yeah.

Yes. We need a jingle. Things I wish I'd kept. Oh, yeah. Yes. We need a jingle. Things I wish I'd kept that I didn't discard. Things I wish I'd kept, but my space fitting was hard. Lovely. I'm not sure about the last line, but, you know, we can workshop it. We'll fix that in post. I'm feeling increasingly fond of it.

Yeah. And what I thought I'd really like is a satchel like the one I had at school. Oh, yeah. Well, they're quite fashionable. Well, you say that, but they seem to be very much for the ladies. That's fine these days. No, some of the man bun fraternity wear them. Well, I looked at the ones they got.

There's one called a bachel, which is said to be crossed between a bag and a satchel. And I thought, well, a satchel is a bag. It doesn't look quite satchel-like. I want one that looks properly like school with a place I can put my name and address. Well, I know exactly the one you need and I know where to get it. I think at my age

a place I can put my name and address could be crucial. No, I don't think you should do that with your level of celebrity. Do you want the standard brown? Okay, I'll put your name in a dress. That's fine. Do you want the standard tan colour? I want it to look like the one I had when I was at school. Okay. Okay. What colour was the one

you had at school? I'll tell you. They were all the same then, but they were brown. Like a weatherbeat and sort of brown leather. Yeah. Well, I know exactly the company that you need to go to I don't want to promote them on air But yeah we both know what we're talking about Oh do you?

Yeah I'm just saying someone's got a birthday coming up How do you not look at your both now? We both know it It's quite a famous company I bought one in the past for the lady in my life Now let me think I don't know Can we just go back a bit there?

Lady in my life I want to think what it its punning title will be. Is it Satchel Specialists? No. Satchel Specialists. I was hoping it was called Peter Satchel. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've got a bit of something we do very rarely nowadays. We've got a guest today. Yeah. We've got a guest. Yeah, we've got a guest today. Yeah. We've got a guest. Yeah. Yeah, we've got a guest. Alex Horne,

the popular comedian, is going to be on the show sometime after ten o'clock. How exciting. What about that? Yeah. Do you know him? Do. I do. I needed to ask Master, and I know that because you did it. He's very good. I've got a few questions.

Good. Okay. Well, while I've got my plug-in hat on... Yeah. Have you ever seen my plug-in hat? I haven't worn it since I settled down. Did you get it from the Innovations catalogue? Yeah, yeah. It's got a toaster on the top.

I interviewed Russell T Davies the man who brought Doctor Who back to television the man who wrote Queer as Folk and lots of other fabulous dramas and that is available as a podcast on the same sort of

thing you get these podcasts from on I think Wednesday the 19th, that's not right, I think, Wednesday the... 19th? 19th? That's not right. Yeah, I think that is right. I think it is.

Well, it's the 6th... 16th? I'll do some music while this bit goes on. It's the 19th Tuesday. It's the 19th Tuesday. Oh, OK, it's Wednesday morning. You ask people one simple question. Well, I think it's Wednesday morning.

Let's go with Wednesday morning. Is it still going on? I'm calling it the 20th. The 20th, yeah. Despite information to the contrary. Love that admin. Well, that was a good bit of show business news, I would suggest. Alex Horne is joining us, and you've got a podcast interviewing Russell T. Davies.

And RTD's on. I'm excited to hear that. Some more showbiz news. It's showbiz news. T.D.'s on. I'm excited to hear that. Some more showbiz news. It's showbiz news. Marilyn Manson and Justin Bieber have been having a feud this

week about a t-shirt. The Biebs has worn a t-shirt with Marilyn Manson on it and Marilyn Manson did not like that. You'd think Marilyn Manson would be chuffed to nuts. Yeah. No.

Which I think is one of his albums. Well, he wore, Bieber's T-shirt said, there was one with Marilyn Manson's visage on the front. Yeah. What am I dragging them into it? And then it said, bigger than Satan. Apologies, Frank. On the back.

Okay. Which I think is a reference to his work here. Satan carrying a few pounds, is he? I meant Marilyn Manson. Well, I can understand the sort of thing Marilyn Manson would go in for, the bigger than Satan thing, because he liked all that. But is that where Bieber is now? Bigger than Satan?

Well, I think you'll find Bieber is following the Nazarene pretty much full time Oh well, then he wants to tell Manson to get behind him as it were Yeah 8, 12, 15

explanations I would have thought that would have made you warm to Bieber a bit I used to like Bieber when he was that sort of boyish bouncy you know he was a bundle of fun

and you know when they do that thing pop stars where they think now I want well not exactly they think now I want to look like a more mature. So they adopt an image which is actually much less mature. Like Miley Cyrus thought, if I wear no clothes and tip my tongue at,

that'll make me seem like a really independent, strong feminist woman. Well, Zayn Malik buying the beads from Camden Market. We all need to know that trick, love. Yeah. Anyway, you know, I'm sure they're all good people deep down. Well, Marilyn Manson pranked him. Said, I'm going to appear at the sound check with you.

And then Marilyn Manson says, he believed me as well. That was... But see, I think, wouldn't it be quite good if Marilyn Manson, for Marilyn Manson, if he did a song with Bieber, or would it be damaging? He doesn't need that. Does he not? What's he up to now, Manson?

Marilyn Manson. Well, it's interesting because he gave... Not the brother. I never liked the brother. He gave what I felt was quite an interesting insight into Bieber's character. He said he's very touchy-feely. He says, he's a real touchy-feely guy.

He says, yo, yo, yo, bro, and touches you when he's talking. He touches Marilyn Manson. Yeah. I don't think I've ever heard that before. Surprising that, innit? And Manson says, I'm like, you need to stand down. What do you think he smells of, Marilyn Manson? 8, 12, 15.

I'm guessing patchouli oil. I was just going to say that. Or snake urine, maybe. Is there such a thing as snake urine? 8, 12, 15. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Yes.

Talking about Bieber and Brian Warner, as he was originally known. Was he called Brian Warner? Yeah. Is that what your family called him? Hello. Brian Warner, Chartered Survivors. That's what he sounds like. Marilyn Manson probably smells like Johnny Depp's brand of cologne

because they are friends. They are both amazing, says Tom. Oh, OK. I don't Johnny Depp's brand of cologne because they are friends. They are both amazing, says Tom. Oh, OK. I don't mind Depp. Tucana suggests Marilyn Manson smells of talcum powder. Do you think so? I hope so. It's far too baby fresh for him.

What about he smells of mothballs? Possibly. Dead man's clothes. Sonia in Leeds, Marilyn Manson smells of embalming oil. Oh, yeah, you can believe that. Oh, yeah, I wonder what that smells like. He's not related to Charles Manson. Is it slightly different spelling?

I don't... Yeah, he's not related to her. I mean, I'm assuming Marilyn Manson's not even a real name. I assume... No, we've just said he's... Brian Warner, Chartered Survivors. That's right, yeah. So I don't think... Charles Manson's probably sitting in his cell saying,

how come Madam Tussauds have sent these clothes back? I thought they'd be thrilled. But I do tend to side with Manson. Do you? I think I'm more on the side of the weirdo than the yo-yo bro, generally in life. And I know the side of the weirdo than the yo-yo bro, generally in life. Well, I am. Marilyn Manson is the weirdo.

I'm not a big fan of the diabolist, though. The who? Generally. Yes, that's true. The worshipper of the devil. Does he worship the devil, Marilyn Manson? I thought you meant somebody that uses a diablo, you know, that circus type thing. Oh, right.

I bet he wouldn't have. If he had one of them, he'd have to be, of course, he'd have to be on fire. Yeah. Yeah. I think Frank's coming round to Bieber Belieber since the old Nazarene incident. No, I just think... Starting a church, apparently.

If Justin Bieber went on stage in a Frank Skinner T-shirt, I would say that that could be a plus for me. Yeah, but he's not going to do that, Frank. I know he's not going to do it, but he did do it for Eminem. For Marilyn Manson? Yeah. Not Eminem? No.

Eminem. It's very confusing, this, isn't it? It is very. Yeah. Yes. It's like when Blur wore an Oasis T-shirt and then everyone bought that Oasis T-shirt, so it backfired in a way.

Oh, yeah. I think I like the way the newspapers referred to Marilyn Manson as the Antichrist superstar warbler. I mean that's not a bad thing to have on your business card. I know but I can't buy into that character. I like a warbler but other than that

I mean Bieber said that he'd made him relevant again. Where's my Bieber? I mean, Bieber said that he'd made him relevant again. Mm-hm. Yeah. Where's my Bieber? Where's my Rick Rubin? We're here.

No, but I think he has done that. I think there'll be a whole new bunch of young people who thought, who's this guy on Justin's T-shirt? I'm going to check him out. Frank, you've done that for Peter the Wild. Yeah, but I've never had a thank you. Who was the artist that we spent quite a long time trying to work out if they were in the eight hits

or less queue for success? Do you know? The nine items or less? Yeah, yeah. Manson must be nine items or less. Manson, I don't even think I can name a song. I bet I can name a song. I can, but it's...

Blood from hell on my lapel. That's one. There'll be one devil kidneys. Devil kidneys? Devil kidneys, there'll be that one. I think that's a Nigel Slater dish, isn't it? Devil kidneys, devil heart, it'd be called, with like an oblique

in the middle. Could just be a butcher that does that. Do they still call it the bleak? That's a word I haven't used. It's all slash now. Yeah, true. See, when I grew up, slash was what you didn't get out of snakes. Frank, we've been criticised by Sir Scat of London.

Marilyn Manson is the name of the band, not the person. Oh, is that right? Yeah, but he's so often referred to as Marilyn Manson. I think you're being a little bit pedantic, Sir Scat. What about Blondie? Blondie? Yeah. What, the dog?

Because Hitler's dog was in a band, I think. If Hitler's dog had been in a band, obviously it would have been a ludicrous performance, but I'd have been there. You just would, wouldn't you? Just to say, I'll tell you what, I went the other night, I went, you know Hitler, his dog is in a band. What do you mean?

It's in like a band. But I like going to things for those kind of reasons. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what worries me about Bee, but the picture I saw of him, I think it might have been on the Mail website, he was wearing one of those red paisley neckerchiefs like Labradors wear at festivals.

Yes. Yeah. Oh, I know. I didn't think that worked as well. Bit sort of Mumfordian. Yeah, I suppose it is. Had he a banjo? I just assumed that that was to hide a neck brace

that perhaps he'd sprained his neck in some kind of... I think he's got a goiter. Maybe. Derbyshire neck, I think he suffers with. Wouldn't it be awful if he was a young man and he just had got a really aged neck and he was feeling self-conscious about it already? I know who he feels.

Fair enough. True. It's not that mine is... I don't wear a scarf to obscure mine, I wear a scarf to tether it. My throat's gone very Dead Sea Scrolls. You've got a lovely throat, Frank. Thanks. Would you like to

reach out to it? No, absolutely not. You've got a partner for those activities. She wouldn't touch my throat for £10. Such low rates. So the FOSS, someone I think just texted to say the FOSS is

784 has texted one of our more literal correspondents Justin Bieber stole Manson's design of t-shirt and put Justin Bieber's name on it, that's why Manson's annoyed That does seem, I mean it seems wrong but I get fed up with people owning stuff.

Do you think? Well, Frank, he's done a classic. He just wants to defend Beaver. Beaver's done a classic, I'm having that, which people do to you with your jokes all the time. If you do it with jokes, I agree. With T-shirt designs. But all property is theft, and I'm including decaffeinated.

Now, that joke, you see... I got it, I got it. I was at Angus Deaton's house, and he said to me, do you want... Sorry, don't you need to do a jingle, because we're doing an analysis of a joke here. I said, I'll have a cup of tea, please. And he said, what do you want, property or herbal or something?

And I said, all property is theft. And he laughed and everyone patted me on the back. Excellent. He pleased. Two weeks later, did he on Have I Got News For You? No. Yes. Nicky Campbell, the same.

I said to him, I always... What, the same joke? Nicky Campbell, I said, I always fancied that blonde one in ABBA. I can't remember his name. Right. Wheel of Fortune, I think. Was it Wheel of Fortune blonde one in ABBA. I can't remember his name. Right. Wheel of Fortune, I think. Was it Wheel of Fortune? He did one of those things.

Did the same... I mean, people! They don't get it. I don't get it. They get it, but they... Oh, I get it. Don't worry about that. So, but a T-shirt picture,

I just think it'd be good for Marilyn to be up there with the youth. You think? But he's took it badly, fair enough. Worked out what he smells of. Oh, there's been quite a bit of that. Sweat PVC and has poo-poo breath was one guess. Oh, I bet poo, I can imagine poo. I don't know why I think that.

Really? I can't. It's because he looks like one of them corpses. That's where that theory's come from. I bet he's one of those blokes that you'd be shocked to discover he's spotless. Yes. Well, I was just going to say, au contraire, I think he's absolutely immaculate and smells of, I mean, slightly floral, maybe a bit oudy aftershave.

Oud? Oudy as in the creature from Doctor Who? and smells of, I mean, slightly floral, maybe a bit oudy aftershave. Google it. Oudy as in the creature from Doctor Who, the oud? Oud is a wooden scent, a sort of musky scent. Oh, no. It's the basis for a lot of fragrance. O-U-D, yeah. Oh, because ouds in Doctor Who are creatures who look like they've had too much spaghetti

and it's hanging out their mouth. I love it when our worlds collide. Yeah, isn't it lovely? We still don't know what Marilyn smells of, but, I mean, Manson. Yeah. I think the other one I can guess. Dust.

Blooming dust. But, yeah, there must be someone listening who's met Marilyn Manson. Do you think? I'm quite ashamed I haven't. I'm surprised you haven't. You've worked with them all. We've got a lot of rock enthusiasts. Well, I was saying'm quite ashamed I haven't. I'm surprised you haven't. You've worked with them all. We've got a lot of rock enthusiasts.

Well I was saying to you. I haven't met him. I have not worked with Marilyn Manson. Wow. I haven't either. It's one of my spaces. And I've got to be honest I find him strangely attractive. I don't know why that is. Weirdo. It is a bit weird. Oh I love it when you go basic bloke. Is he?

Six foot nine. He's not six foot nine. Six foot nine. We were saying, Frank. Stitch marks around the ankles and wrists. Make of that what you will. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Could you name a Marilyn Manson song? Only through guesswork like you did.

Like, you know, chicken blood running down my eyes. Well, Tainted Love. Oh, yeah. Which is a great version, I have to say. He did a cover of that, but then that's a Soft Cell song, isn't it? But it's not. Even then it's a cover, isn't it? I don't know who wrote it originally, though.

Someone. One of our guests. I always think... One of our guests. One of think... One of our guests. One of our guests. One of our, sorry, one of our... Alex Horne. A lot of pressure on the lad.

He might know. Alex Horne won't know that. We'll try him. He's a smart man. Because he might be listening to this in the car and then he'll Google it. Oh, hi, lover. I always think when Tainted Love starts,

the Mark Almond version, what was his band called? Soft Cell. Soft Cell, yeah. I always think there's an element of Scooby-Doo on backing vocals. It goes... But that's just me, clearly. Gloria Jones was the original, someone said.

Oh, Glossa. Yeah, yeah. There used to be a woman by us called Gloria who was commonly known as Glossa. She was commonly known. 240 is guessing Marilyn Manson smells of camphor and embalming fluid with a hint of peppermint. It's the second embalming we've had today.

Camphor. I mean, a bit of peppermint, though. See, I think that's a good call. Yeah, I can imagine him being quite minty for us. Yeah, he probably likes an afterite. Yeah. So, what else? Well, there's more show business.

There's more. Lethal Bizzle and Judi Dench. I've worked with Lethal Bizzle. And you must have. I haven't worked with Dench. I had an incident with Dench. Well, you had an unfortunate run-in with Dench. I've worked with Lethal Bizzle. And you must have. I haven't worked with Dench. I had an incident with Dench. Well, you had an unfortunate run-in with Dench. But we'll get to that.

Well, she's been learning how to rap from Grime star Lethal Bizzle. I call him Mr. Bizzle. Do you think Jeremy Paxman ever said that? I know that was Mr. Rascal. That's right. Mr. Rascal, please answer the question. Whose work I do know. I know Mr. Rascal's work, but I don't really know Mr Lethal Bizzle's.

Does he get letters to Mr L Bizzle? I wonder. What about if his name had been, say, instead of Lethal, Murderous Bizzle? So, then it'd be M Bizzle. M Bizzle. Like, I've been M Bizzled. People would be very careful around him. Have you been M embizzling me?

When we had Prince Nassim on, and he said he'd got a gold watch given to him by the Sultan of Brunei that was embezzled with diamonds. Me and Dave, both too frightened to correct him. Me and Dave, both too frightened to correct him. So he's been a fan of Judi Dench's for some time. And he uses the word Dench, doesn't he? Yeah, for a while, I think maybe seven, eight years,

he's been saying this. He says something is Dench, which means it's impressive or it's good. Okay. And finally... Based on Judi Dench? Based on Judi Dench, yeah. Oh, OK.

I mean, there's some controversy as to whether it actually was him. If I think something is good, I say it's good. But if I think it's very good, I say it's Gielgud. Oh, nice. Oh, that. I really hope that takes off in the same way. Oh, I hope it does, yeah. I'm going to bring out a baseball hat with that's

Gielgud on it. Do you know I saw him on? I'm hiding from Elm Boudin. I think if we get a loop underneath that, that would be very popular. How are we going to get them to do the collab though? Football's coming home. There is a major,

there's a bigger problem than that with a collab. Yeah, that's what I mean. On the subject of empowerment, Lewis. I'm afraid Jack's no longer with us. No, I know. I know. Lovely sight at the theatre in a cape. He wore a cape, Frank.

Did he? Yeah, I saw him once in a cape at the theatre. What a guy. Excellent. What a guy. Had a cape and a cane. It was fabulous. What a guy, all good.

So anyway, they did this collab. They did. Judi Dench and Bizzle. Feet Judi Dench. Feet Judi Dench. She wore a, I'm going to call it a woman's hour ensemble. Yeah. I don't know if you saw it.

A big scarf. Lots of scarves. Elements of Jedi chic. A lot of Jedi chic. Your wonderful mother-in-law, I feel, might have worn something similar. Might have said, oh, where'd you get that outfit? But you know what I did love?

Ghost. That's where she goes. She's in her 80s, and with all her years in show business, she still absolutely loved the possibility of a free hat. She's going through bags and goes, ooh. And she puts it on straight away. You just think, think oh never changes

I'll tell you what she says she says oh I say like Dan Maskell which I really liked that she said that to him

in like Flynn but she was given a line to say she said I look like Dan Maskell no no I'm saying because she said

oh I say okay I wish she'd said that she didn't say that she just has to say power repeatedly she was actually given quite a lot to say I'm saying because she said, oh, I say. Okay, I wish she'd said that. She didn't say that. She just has to say pow repeatedly. She was actually given quite a lot to say. I'm due to the detail. He was very nice with her and patient.

She only did pow, though. She didn't worry any more. She did something about rolling along with my friends. He was nice. He was a lovely little... He had a bit of a driving Miss Daisy vibe to it, I thought. If one may say that. We've had a text somewhat confirming what Marilyn Manson smells like.

328 has texted, Re-Marilyn Manson smell. I can confirm his head smells like. 328 has texted, re-Marilyn Manson smell. I can confirm his head smells rank. A few years ago, I came home to find a dirty battered hat in my hallway. Having no idea why it was there and not wanting to touch it, I kicked it into the garden.

My son came running down the stairs and said, don't do that, it's Marilyn Manson's. Not what I was expecting. Turns out his friend had been to his concert and caught it when thrown to the audience, but school had banned him from wearing it, and my son put it back in his bag and forgot to give it to him.

So we can confirm that his head smells. What I really want to know is that it was a Justin Bieber baseball cap. I wonder what kind of hat that was. Well, it wouldn't have been a baseball cap. I'm going edge beanie. I can just see him in one of those.

Can't see him in a flat cap. You couldn't throw a beanie that far, though, could you? Well, I've never tried it. Let's ask Alex Horne when he's in. It's the sort of thing they do on Taskmaster. I remember I went to see Oddjob in concert. And that got a bit scary when he threw his... Nearly in the upper circle. in concert. And that got a bit scary when he threw his...

Yeah. Nearly in the upper circle. I was tying my shoelace at the time. Oh, dear. Jokes from, I don't know when, but I feel like they're from the 70s. From now, I think. They're from now, but you know what I mean.

They have sepia finished. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So this, I think, Bizzle and Dench. And Dench. Did you like it, Frank? It was all right, but I felt this is what the 20th century has to offer by their way of glenda jackson on the morecambe and white show this is the best yeah i did feel that but it was there was a warmth to it i liked the way that she uh they they did seem to get on so i did like and she got a free hand

i mean you warmed to her a bit because i know you had an unfortunate running with her well it was look i've sold this but briefly I was outside the Ivy restaurant, which was a very sort of show-busy type place, and Dame Judy arrived. And I was having my photo taken outside by some press photographer. And she said, I thought this place was for celebrities. She won't pass.

No, she might have meant, so, you know, you wouldn't have photos taken here. Right. Well, that's what I thought she might have meant. She might have meant, who's that vermin? We'll never know. Yeah. Tricky.

Also, she could have mellowed. People do. Apparently, on the strand of this, she's bringing out her own false teeth called dentures. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah. That is a good idea. That gives you that Queen Victoria smile,

is there a thing? Which I don't think's the right way to go, do you? No. Wasn't her best feature. I wish she'd been with Marilyn Manson, because then it would have been M, M and M. Who, Queen Victoria? No, Dench.

Oh, yeah, Dench. Sammy Baker had the pleasure of meeting Marilyn Manson at a charity do. Oh, now we're going to get... Just in the interest of fairness. Now we're going to get there. Surprisingly down to earth and actually very funny. Down to earth?

Sub-surface, I would have thought. Surprisingly down to earth and very funny. I'm glad. Sounds like they met Jason Manford or something. That's the sort of thing people say about... Are you sure they met Marilyn Manson? I think. I could have got this wrong.

He's so down to earth, Marilyn. It's the one thing I'll say about him. I think I've read somewhere that Jason Manford worships the devil. Right. Well, there's crossover as well. I don't know, I might have got that wrong. Also, James would like to know

what was the book Adrian Charles recommended? Well, he told me that The Spy Who Came In From The Cold was one of the greatest books he'd ever read. Wow. Okay, there you go. Then he went back to the beginning and read them all, I think.

So, yeah. That's quite something considering he follows the Nazarene yeah exactly I'm just saying there's a book there that hasn't been mentioned might be what's that? The Bible?

yeah well obviously that's tops but I might have had it number one on the leaderboard. Yeah, exactly. You're not going to... And two, I suppose. But the spy you came in from the cold still has everything to play for.

You won't budge the Bible. Trust me. Well, I'll tell you what, I've got some Manson at home. I haven't played for years. And all this, I tell you what, I'm sensing a real loyalty and support from our readers. So I'm going to go... Yeah. I'm going to go and rediscover Manson all over again.

This is Marilyn. I'm going to rediscover him all over again. What about that? Come in next week, I'll be a foot taller, white make-up, and I'll smell of butterscotch angel delight. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio on Absolute Radio

Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran you can text our show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website all are welcome

We've had various texts in one of them slightly miffed, Frank, I'll be honest with you. Brace yourself. 118 has texted. Morning, Frank. My wife is very perplexed at your lack of knowledge of Marilyn Manson. He was married to Dieter Von Teese.

I remember that. Been in several films. And had several hits. In fact, more people know his name than yours, Andy. Good tone. I doubt that. Can I just say... That does help by his chosen two names from very famous people. Also, I've just remembered something.

Dieter Von Teese and Marilyn Manson split up due to what I believe was called lifestyle differences, which I love. I think him worshipping the Antichrist might have been... I think it was him worshipping some other people maybe, other than his main partner It was also those marks he got on his head

I know that was when he was with Dieter Von Toos Oh, come on I don't think I've ever used the phrase Von Toos on the radio before I suspect that was a joke that a lot of midwives are really enjoying

and a lot of the bulk of our audience single men in bed sits in Dunlop Green Flash train as they're saying, what is it? Right, okay so, you know what I am going to investigate I what? I'm going to...

I am going to invest... I already said I was going to investigate. They're shooting me after I've promised. 118 was upset with you. Does 118 have a singlet on and one of those curly wigs? I really hope so. Yeah, me too. You know who that was based on?

Who? Look. Who? David Bedford, I think he was called. Oh, yes, I know that. The athlete. They used to say you had to run up a flight of 50 stairs to get his heartbeat up to the same rate as an average human being.

Is that right? That's what they used to say. You know they. Anyway, what else? Oh, by the way, Alan Horn, do you know him? I do. We couldn't get Alex Horn. Apparently, he's in Nairobi.

Oh, yeah. Alan Horn works in regional sales. Yeah, Alan Horne. But Alex Horne is here. Alan Horne is coming up from the marketing department to talk about the Spicer deal, which has gone up to 10k. Spicer deal. Hi, everyone.

Alan here. Now, Alex Horne, the comedian, will be with us. Well, you know, he's coming up. That's what they say on the radio. Yeah. He's coming up. The world's a-knowing. Someone's really changed the playlist, haven't they?

They have, yeah. We don't play enough Diana Ross, in my opinion. Dross, as I used to call her. Oh, don't say that. Before she really sorted out that full stop. Well, you know my strange incident with Diana Ross and the wheelchair Oh, yes Anyway, let's move on

It sounds like a story, doesn't it? It does, Diana Ross and the wheelchair A novel by Battle Bainbridge Yeah What should we be discussing? Well, there's been a few Actually, can I say thank you to Odysseus from Art and You

Odysseus he just gave me a lift he's been on those travels a while spelt it differently actually he sent us three lovely creations artistic creations based on a laughing fit that I had on the show two weeks ago,

I think which was loosely based on cruelty to animals. Very cruel. Yeah, sorry about that. Very loosely, and certainly wasn't mocking that practice. No. No. Yeah, what else? There's been a few technology fails in the news this week.

Apple launched their new phone. iPhone X. Is it called iPhone X? Yes. It's spelled X. Oh, mine just did a funny noise in my throat. Sorry about that, yeah. Oh, was it your throat?

Yeah. Did you hear it? It's horrible. Sorry about that. I thought a turd had creeped into the studio. If you listen to my throat, it just sounds like the sails creaking on an old galleon. Anyway, they tried to launch this. I love those

launches. They're at the Steve Jobs theatre. Now, was that theatre built just for people to show off, like, iPhones and iPads? I believe so. What I liked about the man giving, introducing the iPhone X was that I liked him because he had

a sort of slightly Ted Danson luxuriant hair. A bit of a silver fox, actually. Still had the high-waisted jean. They always go for the high-waisted jean. I actually saw Steve Jobs with a jumper tucked in his trousers once.

I mean, respect. Do you ever get through that audio book, by the way? My wife listened to it. I gave her nothing of it. Is it 20 CD, Steve Jobs? 22, I think. 22. Too many.

It's too long, isn't it, that? Yeah, come on, Jobsy. It's all about bang, bang, bang with him. Did I give it to you back? I gave it to you back, didn't I? I don't think you gave it to me back. I did. I mean, we are on air, you're right.

We're on air. What I want to talk about is the facial recognition of the phone, because I find this terrifying. Well, we're having a party soon. I'd love to have 22 new coasters. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Emily Dean has just offered me a Solidar

Nosh car sticker. We had one of those, I believe, back in the day. Brilliant. Merlot Socialists, you know, that's what we did. So this iPhone, the thing is, it's got facial recognition, which concerns me somewhat.

Why? Well, why not? not i mean it's just a bit weird because they were saying well we've looked into it and we've ensured that you can't do it from photographs you have to look into it yeah they said they've ensured that you can't do it from photographs because that was obviously my first concern yeah someone might hold up a photograph of you and then get into your phone. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what about if I'm sleeping and someone holds the phone up against my face? Oh, that's true. And then they access everything.

Apparently it's going to work like that. Apparently it's going to be able to recognise your face in the dark. You just pick it up and it goes, oh, your face is over there. So if I came across someone dead in the street, I could phone their next of kin. Good morning, everyone. But you don't want to be opening it. You can hear someone going, all right, Gerry, are you all right?

Gerry? Gerry, you've got your eyes shut. What's the matter, mate? I mean, that'd be terrible. Exactly that. Although there are benefits to it. You know what? I'm not getting involved.

Why is that? It's made my mind. I don't want to get involved. Well, also, I could dress as the Northampton clown. I appreciate I sound somewhat obsessed by him this morning. But alright. But if I put his make-up on,

what's to stop me accessing his phone? Good point. Do you think he's got a phone? I imagine he's got a pager. They'd be all white make-up all over it. I bet if he's got a phone, it squirts all white make-up all over it. I bet if he's got a phone, it squirts water in his ear or something like that. Glitter.

Yeah, it explodes and falls into two halves. That's a thought, though. If you're leaving a Halloween party, you might be able to get a car home. The phone won't recognise you. What are we going to do? We've got a big Halloween party coming up. I'm going to have to walk.

It's going to be a strange, dark night. I mean, I'm not an early adopter, technology-wise. I find it quite difficult. But I feel like this facial recognition thing could do me a favour because recently, you know when you pick up a phone or an iPad and you go to start it up and you sort of swipe? You know, when it's locked and you need to put in a code? and you sort of swipe, you know, when it's locked and you need to put in a code.

I think my thumbs work about 40% of the time for swiping. Right. I actually have considered seeing a doctor and seeing, are my thumbs okay? Because they don't seem to be working at all. Did you hitchhike a lot as a young man? Yeah, I've used them up. I'd say you've worn the...

Is that a thing, though? Why aren't my thumbs working? Do you mean the bit where you just put it on and it recognises your thumbprint? Oh, we're not using GPs, Lars. I'm, like, typing in. Like, my fingertips, all of them seem to not have, you know... I'm really sorry to hear that.

We've got a radio show to do. Essentially, if my fingertips aren't working, I'm thinking I could fall back on crime, like burglary. That's a thought. Have you considered trying it with a Capé de Monte thimble? What's that? Those thimbles used to go in old ladies' houses. Capé de Monte?

You obviously don't go to as many old ladies' houses as I do. Well, I'd like to apologise for that. Why? It's because he's unable to do the burglary. That's my catchment area. Well, I'll be able to borrow Peter Capaldi's phone according to my incident at the Haldal Bay

and I can use I can take all Jackie Stallone's calls which is good news Nigel Clough and my partner will be able to do all of Dr Miriam Stoppard's course.

Well, that's going to be a problem. Those look-alikes, if you're like a I was going to say Michael Jackson didn't quite work. I think he's let his subscription go. But yeah, if you're a Prince William look-alike, you've got hold of his phone. Could be like a phone tapping all over again.

They're opening a can of if not worms things that look like them. Yeah. We'll be back with Alex Horne. Alan Horne. Yeah.

I hope I hope Al makes it. Let's just call him Al Horne. Okay. After all this. Absolute Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Alex Horne is in the studio with us this morning. Good morning. Good morning. Morning, Frank. Morning, Alan. Morning, Emily.

Whenever I see you, Alex, I always feel the urge to look out the window and see if there's a penny farthing parked across the road. What is that? Do you ever follow through the urge? No. Do you ever look? No, because I know my rational mind tells me it's ridiculous. You just look like you'd be at home on one.

I joined a five-a-side football team, and instantly my nickname was Gentleman Jim. Gentleman Jim. Oh, OK. I think the same thing. I don't understand it at all. I think I'm quite sort of hip. Am I not?

Yeah. I think you've become hip. OK. Whilst retaining a certain tw think you've become hip. Okay. Whilst retaining a certain tweed knickerbocker feel. You've definitely got a period face. I can see you. A period face? Yeah. Yes. That could mean all sorts of things.

It could, yeah. I'm not easy with it. That's a problem for the new iPhone. Just easy. It could look like a full stop, of course, if this was an American idea. Well, thank you for calling my face for that. Well, shall we kick off? I don't feel welcome. You don't feel welcome?

What, here? Oh, wow. No, I do, I do. You don't? I love you. Oh, now I feel welcome. Can I remind you that we don't really have guests on this show, right? Okay, I feel welcome again.

We only have guests on if it's someone I really, really like. So I think it's you, Neil Gaiman. And David Baddiel. Tim Key's done it recently. Tim Key. Work colleague of yours. Most people. Yeah, it turns out that.

There's only four. There's about one a week. Four in two years. Yeah. No, thanks. And two of those was David Baddiel twice. OK. It's just the face stuff that was.

Oh. And the penny farthing. Oh, come on, Alan. Let's not call that out. So, we should begin by saying that you used to be one of those comedians that everybody liked but you felt that

the general public wasn't aware of and then you did Taskmaster and suddenly everyone's talking about Alex Horne is that a fair summary I uh I suppose so I think you've made it oh yeah but I think now I'm doing this program and no one knows I'm a comedian and they think I'm a statistician and I prefer that because I've kind of stopped I think I've stopped doing stand-up at the moment anyway so I do stuff with the band I've got a band I do that but I haven't

done a stand-up gig by myself for two years. And I quite like that, so I'm now just the guy on that programme. I don't think anyone, what is it, thinks you're a statistician. I mean, there is something of a light-hearted nature to your statistical work. You might think you're a rubbish one. Yeah, OK, OK. He seems to be making it up. It was a fair analysis, and there's no making up, Alan.

What? All the stats are accurate. Oh, are they? Yeah. OK, fair enough. So there may be people listening to this who have never seen Taskmaster. I'm sorry, but that's a possibility.

Could you sum it up in a sentence or two? I'll do two. OK. So Greg Davies is the Taskmaster and sets tasks to five comedians. And I think the reason why I think it's good is that the comedians don't know what's going to happen and there's no script. And they do them in isolation and then they come into a studio and get judged. But you've done it, Frank.

And I think, well, you were the first to say yes to it. And that made all the difference, I think. But I think you probably trusted it because I'm a comedian and I'm in charge rather than there being a TV producer. Well, that did make a massive difference. Because whenever anyone gives me... If I meet a young comedian who asks me about doing television, my advice is always the same. I always say, find a way of

dealing with the fact that people who know a lot less about comedy than you will be telling you how to do comedy. If you don't find a way of dealing with that, you'll become unpopular. But it was a joy to work on a show where the man calling all the shots was a comedian who kind of understood

it all. Yeah. Well, thanks, Frank. And thanks to the producer in the understood it all. Yeah. Well, thanks, Frank. Why don't they do more often? And thanks to the producer in the studio as well. Yeah. Or exactly. No, I mean, I really like Dave, the channel that's on, because they've just let us get on with it. No one tells us what to do.

But I agree. I mean, I think, though, I might be drifting into the producer role because I'm doing a couple of other things. I really like it. I think it's quite... I think it's a it's not that hard I think it's a great idea comedians producing comedy

yeah hang on I'm just going to write this down but when you watch like you know a football match on the telly

the chances are the managers of the clubs will be ex-players the pundits will be ex-players yeah but you don't want the Glenda Hoddle pulling off the you know

the tracky top suddenly I'm coming on no but the reason they're there telling us about it is the theory that having done it the hodl, pulling off the tracky top, suddenly I'm coming on. The reason they're telling us about it is the theory that having done it for a living they might have picked up a few insights. Yes, this is true. Listen, I'm Alan's biggest fan. I'm just saying.

I have to say that Alex was all over it like a rash taskmaster and that's why it's a hit in my opinion. And it's just your, Taskmaster, and that's why it's a hit, in my opinion. And it's just your opinion. Mm-hm. I'm establishing that. I don't want anyone to think I'm dealing in objective facts at this point.

But I am not the Oracle at Delphi. No, we know that. No. Not any more. Was Frank good, Alex? Sometimes. Yeah, I mean... He told us his age quite often as an excuse.

But it was brought up a lot by the Taskmaster, my age. It was one of the last isms that aren't really prevented on television. Ageism. No, no, but, yeah. I mean, Greg was quite worried about not having a go at you, but having a dig at you, if that's all right. Was he? Well, yeah, because you were and are not having a go at you, but having a dig at you, if that's all right. Was he? Well, yeah, because you were and are our hero.

Oh, yes, of course. You know that. Too late now, you've established the past tense. Past tense was absolutely set in stone and then you had to... Yeah, I regret that. No, well, it was absolutely fine. Just to be involved in laughter, even at the knob end, is a joy for me. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

We have Alex Horne, I think that's the phrase, in the house. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what next. So, Taskmaster has not only done... You know, in your fifth series, which I should say is on Wednesdays at 9pm on Dave, if you want to hear it.

But it's also... It's gone global. Yeah, I went to watch it being recorded in Belgium and they did the same tasks in Flemish and they said to me, we've got the same people, we've got someone who looks a bit like Greg, we've got someone like you,

he's got a funny voice like you. What? I've got a funny voice. Normal voice. You probably have if you're Flemish. It sounds a bit... I suppose so. ...highlier.

But he was, he had a little moustache and a waistcoat and replicated that. Penny father. Penny father in the head. But you're going to be on it in America, is that right? Yeah, we filmed, I filmed for five weeks in LA and I was quite exotic over there. So I enjoyed that.

It was too hot. But that is, so you're going to be massive. Oh, there's no doubt about it. On the billboards. I think I might be in a sequel to a film. Oh, that'd be good. That's what I'm hoping for. Certainly a wider audience in America.

I see you embracing the sort of entourage. Some of them sort of 42-inch ones. I don't know how it will go down to me, but everyone has said it's very British. Yeah, but they like that, don't they? Monty Python, Benny Hill. Downton Abbey. Neither of them are in it, though.

Yeah. So we've got Reggie Watts as Greg, and that's a different vibe. But he was great, but he it, though. Yeah. So we got Reggie Watts as Greg, and that's a different vibe. But he was great, but he wasn't Greg. Right. Yeah, I think it's good. We'll find out. It's not until next year.

It was a lot of fun. I went swimming. That's my anecdote from it. There's a lot of work, but I also went swimming. Yeah, it's a long way to go. Yeah. To swim. There's municipal pools here.

Is Reggie Watts a big American comic? I should know. He's a musician. That's why I know him. I know him from the horn section, actually. He's one of these that does beatboxing and jazz. You like him, Frank. You should get him as one of your guests.

Okay. Your rare guest. I'll think about it. I was thinking he was that Arsenal fan who was in EastEnders. What's he called? Tom Watt. Yeah, nearly.

Quite different guys. Any chance of a radio version, do you think? Of Taskmaster? I don't think so. Is there? I feel like you've got... We need to see the tasks. We champion radio over television on this programme.

Do you mean stopping the TV one and doing it just on radio? No, I just think it would be an interesting challenge, wouldn't it? A radio version. All right, OK. Yes? Can you work on that? We're radio people. Sounds like a career backslide, by the way.

I'm not keen on that. We could do a podcast. Don't say that. We're on radio. We're radio people. I think that's what Alex is thinking. Yeah. I was really keen on the TV IT.

I'm not sure I want to do the American TV version. He's doing well, Frank. He's swimming in pools in LA. He is, he's gone for a swim. He's like that man in Entourage. But Frank was my hero, so I'm happy to do it.

He was your hero. Was he really your hero? I like the fact that a man going to America and his only luggage is a pair of trunks wrapped up in a towel. I was really keen on

the idea of swimming in America for some reason. I think we might do a book Frank, would that be alright? What about a live show? Tour? Well that's where it started off as a live show. But you could tour it now, now it's big and popular. I'm just happy where I am.

I'm just trying to move you forward. Hardly doing stand-up, just working as a producer. He's a statistician. He's got it sorted out. So, look, what about Name That Tune? That's what I'm trying to get around to. Frank, that was so close. Me and Alex did Name That Tune together.

Oh, yeah. And it was for ITV. We tried to bring it back, didn't we? Because that was one of my favourites originally. Weirdly, we did the pilot at Chelsea Football Club. I think that was one of the problems. We did, yeah. 60,000 screaming crowds.

Right. Couldn't hear the tunes. Unfortunately, it wasn't quite what they'd come out for. They wanted to sing Chelsea songs. I mean, Tom O'Connor didn't have to put up with that. No. I think it was good. The trouble is, Frank, you sang a lot of songs

that the band and I had never heard of. Yeah. It turns out we had different references music-wise. But we have that every week on here. But it's good to, you know, to broaden the age range. Yeah. I think it would, I still think it will work. It's a great format, isn't it?

I think we both thought it was a real goer. You thought about going to radio with it, Frank? It would work. One right idea, wouldn't it? More than television. No, that's my idea. It seems to be a passion project today.

I'm thinking of bringing it out as a CD-ROM. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So Alex, what's the worst pizza you've ever had? Well,

the Fiorentina always lures me in and then I'm disappointed. I'm thinking one that you had with me in Cologne. Oh, that was an expensive pizza. Yes. I was in Cologne for an hour and a half. Yes. Alex flew over to meet, was it me, Josh Winnicombe and Tim Key were already in Cologne.

Yes. It's one of my most favourite things that's ever happened. Yeah. And Alex flew over basically to have a pizza with us and it wasn't that nice. And you gave me a gift. Remember the gift? Oh, nice.

No. A very small model of the cathedral. Oh, yes. You were really into the cathedral. Oh, I love the cathedral. Yeah, he likes that sort of thing. I was less into the cathedral. Was that your version of the hangover?

Yeah. He went to Cologne and had a model of the cathedral. It was your version of the hangover? Yeah. He went to Cologne and had a model of the cathedral. Mike Tyson with a tiger. But there has to be, you know,

in any multiple, you know, group trip to the cathedral, there has to be someone who likes it the most and someone who likes it.

But you were there the night before as well. You all went out the night before. Yeah, we had a great time. Oh, frat boys.

You told me all about that. Over your horrible pizza. It was lovely though, I'm so glad you came. £240. But it's that kind of effort. For a pizza? The fact that you flew to Cologne for an hour and a half is why Taskmaster

exists, isn't it? Yes, that's a good summary of it, I think. Yeah, it is going the extra mile taskmaster to me feels a bit like all the other shows when they have ideas and they go oh we can't do that feels like taskmaster does them like yeah i think one of my favorite bits was you had to do a task where you opened uh the garage and there was a boulder in there oh you had to get it as far away as quickly as possible as far away within an hour. So you took it to the train station. Yeah.

But because it's all real, we didn't have permission to film in the train. So it's just me, you and the boulder on a train. There's not even a camera crew. There's no one filming it. Yes. So we then just had to tell them, yeah, we got to Perivale.

Yeah. And the guy said to me, what's that? And I said, it's a boulder. And he said, what's a boulder? He did. I really remember that. Philosophical question. And then we had to explain to him, well, that's a boulder.

Yeah, I didn't like that, because I felt he was a bit angry that he didn't know what it was. You were wearing a boiler suit as well. I mean, there was a lot to take in. I was in a smart suit. But that is a fair example. If you haven't watched it, I very much recommend the show. I also recommend Alex's band, The Horn Section.

Me too. Who are on the run. Because you get music, but you get comedy. And I think probably in the balance, it's more comedy than music, would you say? Yeah, I quite often encourage them. I've got a new thing now. Any song, I'm trying to encourage them to do a solo in it.

I like it in jazz gigs when somebody has a go and everyone has a little smattering of applause at the end. So I point to one of them during a comedy song and there's a really nice trumpet solo. I think any joke is improved by a trumpet solo. You see, I'm a bit anti-solo. Yeah, I will drop it. Hiya!

Hiya! Get rid of it. I rinse my teeth, that's what I do with the solo. When I'm listening to music in the morning, at least there's a song I like, I'll wait for the solo so I can rinse my teeth so I can't hear that bit. Well, there's always an do with the solo. When I'm listening to music in the morning, at least there's a song I like, I'll wait for the solo so I don't run to my tits, I can't hear that bit. Well, there's always that option in the gig. That's what solos are for.

It's like, you know, halftime in the FA Cup final, the National Grid goes crazy. I enjoy the halftime entertainment. Yeah, I think when solos happen, the National Grid, there's little explosions going off everywhere. Well, yeah. I mean, I just really enjoyed it as a new thing in the show, but yeah. But you've dropped it now. Yeah, I've dropped it. the national grid there's little explosions going off everywhere well yeah I mean I just really enjoyed it

as a new thing in the show but yeah but you've dropped it now yeah I think it's just less for you to do isn't it we might lose all the music Frank was your hero

wasn't he anyway the horn section are touring at the moment they're in many places I won't but they start

where are you what day is it I think on Monday we're in London and then we're in Birmingham places. I won't... But they start... Where are you? What day is it? I think on Monday. We're in London. What day is it? And then we're in Birmingham and Manchester. Yes, all over. I really would recommend it.

It's a proper, funny, clever, interesting, whimsical musical show. Yeah, and you can rinse. You can rinse during the solo. Exactly. Not every show gives you a moment to rinse. No. Bring your wet wipes. Always. You've got your wet wipes. Always.

You've got wet wipes quite near you, I noticed as I came in. Why are they there? Oh, they're probably mine. I like to look after him. They're there because I'm 60. Happy birthday. He has his answer to everything now. It's not in the present.

Alex, it's been an absolute joy speaking to you this morning. Do you have to say that because it's absolute radio? Is that a catchphrase? Yeah. If I'd said it was a capital joy, uncapital, it sounds a bit weird. It's a bit like capital punishment. That's what they should call it.

It would work. And I understand you're having a champion of champions show. We are, yeah. You came third, unfortunately, Frank. Did I? I thought I came second. Not in the end, no.

No, you came joint. Yeah, joint second or joint third with Romesh, but I think just all second not in the end no you came joint second or joint third with Romesh but I think just all the people who came third coming back but when I think

of the champion champ I find myself doing that football manager thinking that penalty we missed against Everton on a Tuesday night if only I hadn't

could have been there I thought about the baked beans and all that anyway watch it it's on again I'll tell you it's on Dave on Wednesdays at 9pm.

And it will be repeated, I suspect. I expect it will, yeah. I think they even repeat it before it's on now. They put it on the UK TV play before it's on. So they repeat it before... So the actual show is a repeat. One thing people always say about Dave... It's a preview slash repeat.

Dave, they pour scorn on chronology. You always say that. I do. I don't know why they don't use that instead of the home of witty banter. Anyway, thank you so much for listening. Now, bring on the flowers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

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