The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Louth

Episode Date: April 20, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has visited the new Spur's stadium and was given an unusual goody bag after hosting a TV quiz. The team also talk World's Strongest Man news, Latin animal names and memorabilia.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8-12-15. You can follow the... I should have learnt this after 10 years. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website Morning Frank Morning

Happy Easter Oh and to you my friend Is that what you say in the church my friend? Would that go down well? Yeah I think that would be alright Oh that sounds good I'll use that Well you only have to say it not to each other. Oh, okay.

My son wished me a happy Good Friday yesterday, which slightly goes against the old Catholic mood of Good Friday. I was fine with that. Yeah. It's been a year to the day. I know tomorrow it'll be a year to the day since Frank performed fabulous work as an on-air doula and helped

my sister Amy bring her baby boy Jude into the world. I remember that. Thank you, Frank. This is from 091. We wondered if Frank had been called in since then to assist in any other medical situations. That's from Ruth. I think you shouted push, push didn't you? Yes. And that

helped apparently. Yeah, I did that over CB radio. Turns out it's a lot easier than the naked out to be the doula thing. Yeah, giving birth in a Luton van on a hard shoulder near Wickham. Yeah, that was a big moment for me. They sent photos and stuff. And, oh, the placenta in the glove compartment. Yes. Okay.

To the tune of Girlfriend in Coma. Morning. That's what they sang to me. Morning, everyone. Hit the ground running, haven't we? We've got chocolate rabbits from the producer. Where's my rabbit? Lind.

Did you leave it through there? Or Lind. Lind is what someone called Linda would have been called in Birmingham when I was a teenager. We never went to the second syllable of anyone. Lind. Yeah, Lind.

Can I say... Yeah. That's my tradition. I'll tell you what I love about it. The bunny's bell. Is that our former producer always used to get us a chocolate Lynn bunny. Don't talk about the ex. I know.

And what I love about it is not only has Sarah got us one, she's got us one slightly bigger than the ones we used to get. Oh, is it the bigger? Yeah, there's a feeling, you know, we've all upsized somewhat. Oh! Aye? Aye, we've gone deluxe. That's the suggestion.

Because they've got no interest in the past, the young people. No respect for the golden age. Not interested in history. No, it's all about progress now. You know, people used to think that the ancients was a golden age which we'd receded from. But now, of course course people think things are always getting better.

Put that in your chocolate pipes and smoke it. At least a Saturday. Arguably things are always getting better. Do you believe that? Yeah. I think there's a general trend. You're waiting in my age. I don't mind that, but I don't like it when people

sneer at you. I'm not suggesting anyone in this room does this, for mentioning something that happened in the year before they were born. I mentioned Julian Dix not long ago to someone, and he said, can you talk about people this side of the millennium? What I can't forgive for that is they didn't say, do you know Julian Dix? You could have said, no, but thanks for the tip.

I can't forgive them for that. I'm amazed that Alan thinks everything's getting better. He's one of the grumpyest men I know. Thank you. I specifically said I think the general trend is up. I didn't say my mood is specifically getting better.

On the sense of improvement and progress, I went to the new Tottenham Hotspur Stadium for a game. How was that? Sorry for your loss. It's another one. So Huddersfield, one of them. Yeah.

I know. I'm sorry. Yes, I'm sorry. We were playing Huddersfield. I mean, yeah. We? We? Oh, my God.

What's happening to you? What the? O-M-G. I can't do the rest of the show. You can't do the rest of your life. Oh, my. O-M-G. No.

I take it back about things getting better. Oh, no. He just said we. I'm sorry. He just said we. Have you got any of that chlorodil? I can't. That's genuinely upset me.

Yeah, I know. Oh, man. Thank goodness we got a break. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm still reeling. Wow, you're not the only one. See, my son supports. Frank Skinner is a Tottenham supporter.

No, no, no. My son is a Tottenham supporter no no no my son is a Tottenham supporter and anyway on his behalf he said we your love for him just gave you you meant you had an inclusive moment there that's what it was it was empathy

it was a family we Frank I love a family we you know what I mean if you actually park the car we I You know what I mean? If you can actually park the car. Yeah. I'll tell you what, I was at the Tottenham match. I mentioned the black chicken, which is what my son calls their symbol.

And someone said, it's not a chicken, it's a cockerel. A chicken lays eggs. I said, I think chicken is a generic title for poultry, for that kind of poultry. I think the cockerel comes under the chicken. They said, no, no, no, you've got to lay eggs to be a chicken. Anyway, I've since looked it up, and it defined cockerel as male chicken.

Oh. No disrespect. If you're interested in the Latin, gallus gallus. That's the Latin for the chicken. Gallus gallus.

Yeah, I've always been a bit of a fan of those Latin names in brackets after an animal. Oh, yes, me too.

What's your favourite? Oh, that's about that for a hospital part. Exactly. Mine is the gorilla's Latin name. Oh, what's that? Have a guess.

Gorillas. I don't know. It's actually Gorilla Gorilla. I mean, so good they named it twice, the gorilla. Excellent. Oh, man. What's your favourite Latin animal name? 8, 12, 15.

We get zoologists and stuff listen to the programme. So anything's possible. If there's anybody in Scotland listening, am I right in thinking that gallus used to be a word for... That's brilliant. Is that right? Yeah. And William Gallus, of course.

Oh, yes. I might have misremembered it. I'm sure they'll let me know. Anyway, we went as a family to the Spurs-Oddersfield game. Did you? Kath came as well.

She didn't. No, I used to take... She didn't. When Kath first went out with me, she used to come to West Brom with me because she was, you know, it was that stage of the relationship.

It was nice underwear and going to West Brom. And, oh, I like kung fu movies too. Yeah, exactly. It was all a bit of that. We've all done it, don't we? And then one day she said to me, can I just say I'm never coming here again? She said, there's three things I hate about it. The cold, the noise, and people coming up to you

and talking about football. These were difficult things to eliminate. Very difficult. But she did like it at Tottenham. That's another one. Oh, right. Another one. Bites the dust.

When they had salad. They had salad at the football? Yeah. They had salad. Still amazing. In 1999, still a symbol of hoity-toity, isn't it? Salad. Did you just say it was 1999?

Oh, sorry, 2019. He supports Spurs. He's a time-traveller. I hate to jump on verbal errors, but when they're literally that far out... No, I was wondering about how much the salad cost. Of course, Marky Smith supposedly once sacked a studio engineer for ordering salad.

So you've set up one of our really mainstream textings. What are your favourite Latin names for animals? Oh yes. Has the switchboard been lit up? I think that might be somewhat overstating it. Okay. 321 rather has an explanation for

why it might not have lit up the switchboard quite as much as it might. Some plant names in Latin are quite rude and then gives a couple of examples. Oh, no. I was thinking animal, though. I cannot broadcast.

It's all going to be animal, vegetable or mineral. Good point. Well, in real terms, we've had 935 has said real animal, common toad, brackets, bufo bufo. I like that one. Fiction animal. Yes, common toad brackets bufo bufo I like that one fiction animal common toad breaking wind

fictional animal I can't say that fictional animal we were all with you on that while e coyote brackets eatabus

anything us oh yeah I love a cartoon Latin name. Yeah, it's good. That's even more obscure. We're not having a texting on your face cartoon. Oh, God.

You know, I used to watch those cartoons over and over and over, those Roadrunners. I have to say, they're somewhat formulaic. As an adult or as a child? A child and an adult. As an adult, it's bad, Frank.

Do you think? That's my worst thing, is seeing an adult watching a cartoon. Oh, an adult. It was bad, Frank. Do you think? That's my worst thing is seeing an adult watching a cartoon and hearing like I once saw an adult and an adult man Even like The Simpsons?

I walked into a room and I just heard the way I would kick the bucket and I just thought this is a very depressing scene. Was that the end of another relationship

based on that? It was actually my father. Oh, okay. So in many ways. The rabbit kicked the bucket. But do you know what I mean? You can't be watching that in the daytime. No, maybe not in the daytime.

I'm shaking his head, he's not sure. I feel like what we already know about your father, he was living life on several different levels. You're right, but it's true. He did take that book on holiday. He took on holiday the psychology of consciousness and the breakdown of the bicameral mind. So he was allowed to...

It wasn't all cartoons, was it? Subtitle. The Wabbit Kicked the Barbecue. Well, I... You'll hate me for this thing. I had a Wile E. Coyote little model that used to be on my desk. So I thought, if you're writing,

it's a symbol of constantly carrying on regardless of setbacks. Yes. I think I also had keyring, badge, cuddly.

Wow, you went for it. Yeah. He became my inspirational figure. 397 is claiming Latin for cat is cats. Is it?

Oh, it's not. And then they add perfect. Sorry about that. So they've even done the pun, but apologised for the pun. Make an effort, cats. Anyway, look, I'll tell you what. I was at Spurs. Oh, yes.

I met a man. Yeah, I met a man who collected football shirts of the famous. All right. And he had 850 football shirts. Whoa. I know, brilliant. I mean, he showed me photos all on hangers. It was pretty amazing.

Wow. Including Martin Peter's World Cup shirt. Wow. Yeah, thanks. I thought I was waiting for the laugh. It was... I was excited by it, I must say. So you're a fan of the ground?

Yes, a nice ground. Wow. Was there closure with that chap, the shirt collector? I'm assuming that he hasn't watched... Well, he was asking me what I'd got. I'm assuming he hasn't watched Marie Kondo's magic life-changing tidying programme. Well, if you saw how he stocked the shirts,

all in the same shape cover, I mean, they couldn't be any neater. They're not just on his bedroom floor when he's last worn them. No, no. Then they're... I think they're all in chronological order and stuff. It's pretty remarkable.

Marie Kondo, she won't like that bulging trophy cabinet, I suppose. Oh, you're all right. Oh, Paul. Look, it's not my team. I know, it's not, Frank. It's not now. I know. Now there's been zine.

Also, I'm not mocking anyone about not having a bald entropion cabinet. That's true. I haven't offered that from my personal trainer. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Abracadabra, type of ground beetle. Is that right? William Butcherall says. Wow, I never knew that.

And that's where Abracadabra comes from. Presumably. No, I think it was the magic first and then they named the ground beetle. Well, they might have done. I don't know. I mean, the ground beetle might be some Arab east. Whenever I do a magic trick,

I always say gorilla, gorilla. Gorilla, gorilla. Have you got any Jake Thackeray Have you got any Have you got any memorabilia Me, memorabilia Of any kind

I don't think I do I might have some old stuff at home When I say at home I mean my mum's home What would it be of Football stuff Yeah there might be some stuff left Of like my dad's

Like books about stuff. No, I personally haven't collected anything. I think in association with the famous is what I was going to go on. Well, don't sell me on that. Let's keep it tidy. I've got a bit of sporting memorabilia, some of which I've mentioned on this show. I have the Stuart Broad cricket bat, of course.

Of course. Which he gave to me in very innocent circumstances, may I say. I also have... It didn't sound that dodgy. Okay. Protestant. Possibly, yes.

Also, an autograph, as you may recall, from Frank Bruno. Do you remember how he signed it to me, Frank? No. Oh. I think he put something like Emma. To Emma. Love.

F Bruno. F Bruno. Okay. Well, he's a busy bloke. Oh, no. I've got a gold pocket watch from 1920. Shut up. West Bromwich Albion, it's the only time they ever won the league.

And in those days, they hadn't come up with the idea of getting medals for people who won the league. They had them for the cop, but not the league. And so the Albion gave everyone an engraved pocket watch. Nice. And I've got Tommy McGee's. Have you? Yeah.

Pretty pleased with that. Yeah. Oh, we'll have to get you something of Harry Kane's now. May he change the legions. Buzz has got a signed photograph of Harry Kane that someone gave him. Oh, and I've got an 1888 FA Cup winner's medal. Oh, and? Yeah. So what about that? Owls of... Oh, and I've got an 1888 FA Cup winner's medal. Oh, and? Yeah.

So what about that? Owls of... Oh, no. It's all right. Heaven's sake. It's in my... I've been doing that for years. It's hard to just drop it.

Well, that was the problem. If anyone's got any weird memorabilia of celebrities of any kind, I'd love to hear about it. All sorts of strangeness. You know the Elvis Warp Museum? Well, you had the Elvis shirt, Frank. I had the Elvis shirt, but I gave it... Have you still got it? I gave it to the Tsunami Fund.

How lovely. I did. Never knew that. Eight and a half grand, I think they got for it. Okay, it's nice we know the price. Yeah, grand, I think they got for it. Oh, okay. It's nice we know the price. Yeah, well, you know, I was relieved. Can I tell you the absolute amazing best thing about the Tottenham Hotspur versus Huddersfield experience?

Oh, yes. Oh, I've just remembered some of the memorabilia I've got. I've got my name on... now, do you remember these pictures? You'd never see them now. You'd have people sitting on directors' chairs. Yes. And they'd have their name on the back. Like, you know, Ursula Andress and she'd be sitting up.

Do they still do that? I haven't seen one of those pictures for ages. I know exactly what you mean. Anyway, I've got my Doctor Who Frank Skinner chair back. I just kept the back, the cloth back. That is good. And that, yeah, that's a special one. Anyway, the whole, the thing that won Kath over completely

at the new Tottenham Stadium, I don't think this is throughout the ground, I don't know, but we was in a nice bit heated seats nice so you know those heated seats you get in cars quicker than that you put it on and ping Frank apparently there are dog toilets there as well

are there? yes wow people can take dogs I believe so someone said there are dog toilets well I never saw that, but we can find... Someone will know. Dog toilets at the Tottenham Hotspur? That's next.

Wow. Well, the heated seat. Honestly, it was like sitting on the future. Yeah. It was really something. Oh, wow. I mean, you wouldn't need it today. No.

But you know what? I might put mine on anyway if I was there. Frank Skinner. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. Oh, I did, I hosted a dinner party.

A television quiz. Oh, it wasn't one I know. Oh. How was that? It was at the BFI. You love a quiz. You do love a quiz. Someone pulled out last minute, I'll be honest with you.

It wasn't their first thought. But, you know, I have friends there, so I went and did it. It was good, it was enjoyable. Proper hardcore quizzers in there. Was it? So it was stuff like, you know, core quizzers in there. What was it?

So it was stuff like, you know, what, uh, who did Shane Rimmer voice on Thunderbirds? Oh. Any offers? Okay, hang on a second. 8, 12, 15? You can guess it, can't you?

No? It's going to be somebody called Tracy, probably. Oh, Tracy. Yeah, you remember Tracy the blonde receptionist at Tracy Island no Scott Tracy

he played he did the voice did most people get that right oh yeah another one Thunderbird 1 any more questions

Thunderbird 1 I'd say was the default Thunderbird would you ok well yeah I suppose so I like your character I'm only an old man

yeah that was Stingray yeah Sting character. I'm only an old man. Yeah, that was Stingray. Yeah, Stingray, okay. I'm just an old man, Commander. So it was very good, but I was doing gags, and I was very strong feeling I didn't want them, the quizzes, the proper quizzes. The quizzes.

It's like trying to do, getting someone to help you with a crossword who was trying to land a plane a real sort of okay that's funny but can you stop talking now a very strong sense of that no I think because they're quite dedicated the quizzers

but I respect them for that of course I've been on a quiz team with you and I know that oh god so seriously Frank and it paid off, our hard work paid off my worst thing, I've told on a quiz team with you and I know that. Oh, God. We did that so seriously, Frank. And it paid off. Our hard work paid off. My worst thing, I've told you about this before, is that I used to go back from that quiz.

And I do this whenever I do a quiz. And I fantasise about having got the questions right that I got wrong. Right, so do I. I still, not long ago, thought of a question. I'm sorry if David Baddiel's listening. I never forgot this. He shouted me down and I was right. Oh, OK.

You're right, you've never forgotten. I've said trouble with a group. I know this about you. And I've forgotten quizzes that I've participated in in my own life. He said, no, no, you've got that wrong. No, David, I was right. I did share my favourite TV quiz moment of all time, which was on Family Fortunes.

What was that? When they said, can you name... You know when the two people go up, there was an old lady and a young woman, and they went up to... You know, you have to hit the thing hard. Oh, yeah, the buzzer. And the question was,

name someone who people believe in, although their existence has never been proved and this one hitler and bob monka said um no i've just noticed this hitler's birthday weird um uh this one bob monka said no i'm i'm pretty there's pretty strong evidence that he existed. OK. And he said, Enid. Now, once the other ones press the button, you don't have to. But Enid still hit the button really hard suddenly.

She's probably, I mean, she was about 80. Hit the button really hard. Bob Monk has jumped. She said, a driving license. The whole studio went into a strange sort of inertia. No one, there wasn't a laugh. There was just a general sense that the world had gone wrong. What question had she heard?

She was still... I've never really believed in driving licences. No, lots of people don't. Anyway, she was still trying to answer the previous question, which was things that you'd find in a woman's handbag. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Ellen Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Some have, some will. That's my prediction. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Incidentally, speaking of, I think it was Instagram we had contact this week? Twitter. Twitter. Some of you who listen to the show regularly. You know the seven people I'm talking about.

They, you may have heard that last week I was at a nice hotel and sat very adjacent to Peter Crouch. Oh, yeah.

Yes. And didn't quite summon up the courage to speak to him. Even though, I mean, literally, without leaning forward, I could have put my hand on his thigh. I mean, he's a man of a long thigh.

What is he, 6'7", I reckon? 6'7", I believe, yeah. Oh, lovely. Anyway. He strikes me as a nice man. Why didn't you say hello? Well, I just... You're bashful.

You know what, I was bash i just it's also you know what i was bashful and also you know sometimes at these places people go to not be spoken to can you imagine such a thing yes can i just say frank's view which he told me on going to the hotel breakfast area was why would people stay in their room you what did you remember what you said to me frank i loved it you said i don't know why people would stay in their room you what did you remember what you said to me Frank I loved it you said I don't know why people would stay in their

room I like it because I can go down and everyone says oh that's Frank Skinner yeah exactly not everyone but I also

I like to have a gawp at who's staying at the hotel people when people going up for food they're incredibly

self-conscious just walking around the breakfast room people are so watching themselves. Yeah, there's a bit of a nature documentary in the breakfast bit. Just sit and relax, it's fine. You're so right, and there's lots of...

Sorry, sorry, I'm just getting the rolls here. I'll just get the bacon. Can I have the timings, please? Thank you. And people are walking back, sort of visually apologising for what's on their plate. It's okay. It's breakfast. Have what you like. Carrying too much often as well. Well, you know,

it's the NOC. Anyway. The National Obesity Crisis. Crouchy. So Crouchy has been in touch. He has. Saying that he went through the same angst. Oh.

That we both sat there desperate like ships in the night. I'll tell you exactly what he said. Go on. He tweeted us, Crouchy, to say, can I just say I did notice Frank after I'd been there for two minutes and I was dying to talk to him but I bottled it as well so there we sat who knows

when I think of all the things that could have happened in life if you hadn't bottled those I'll just say something to this person remember me and Shaquille O'Neal he could be sitting here now Crouchy what about that if we'd spoke

I sound lightly but no Could be Sydney or now, Crouchy. What about that, if we'd spoke? That's unlikely, but you know. But no, it's nice. So next time I see Peter Crouch, I'm going to... Say hi. I was thinking I might jump on his back for a lark. Well, don't do that. You know those small trampolines that you carry? I would have had to carry one of those with me.

Well, just remember what happened with Heston Blumenthal. I mean, you've never got over that. Yeah, but you don't want Blumenthal on your back. He's a big unit. True. He is a big unit. Large thigh, I reckon. On the subject of football, sort of,

you're asking for Latin names. We've had for animals. Not for Peter Crouch. No. The Latin name for the small hawk, the hobby is Falco Subutio and Subutio became trademark of the overrated table footy

game, very overrated rubbish in fact it's worth reading this just for that overrated remark Subutio would be in my worst children's games of all time. And I'm a massive football fan. I never understood it.

Did you just flick it with your hands? Yeah, it was... What's the point of that? I think it led a lot to that bogey flicking that was a big thing in the 70s. It was the dolliest game. So did not even you enjoy it? Oh, I got the Albion team.

I never, ever took them out of the box. Well, if I could just finish the point. Sorry. They were trying to name it Hobby, and because Hobby was already trademarked, they went for Subutio, because the hawk is called Hobby, and then they couldn't call it Hobby, so they called it Subutio because the hawk is called Hobby. And then they couldn't call it Hobby,

so they called it Subutio, which is the Latin name of that bird. What's Peter Crouch's? Do you think it's Crouch's when entering rumours? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got a good factual email, if you're interested. I say email, I mean text message, sorry. I love the facts. On the subject of animal scientific names, brackets,

we no longer call them Latin names, as newly discovered species are not actually Latin anymore. Oh. Boa constrictor, brackets, Boa constrictor brackets Boa constrictor is the only animal whose scientific name and common name are exactly the same. Really? Gorilla, gorilla is in there.

It's close. It's definitely not exactly the same. Unless there's two of them. Mark hard at work in Watford doesn't say what do. Not that hard at work Mark. You're listening to our texting on Latin names. Well, if his work is contributing to scientific radio textings. Oh, yeah, he might be a boa constrictor keeper.

Helen Jackman has been in touch as well. Hi, guys. Happy Easter. I should have just put H. Jackman with an X icon. You're right. Eh? On the Latin for animals, mine is for meerkats. Suricata, suricata.

Sounds like something you would eat as tapas in Spain. And also... That's quite Harry Potter, I think. If you were writing about their mating habits, the headline could be, Suricata, suricata, the unstoppable sex machine. That, for me, would unstoppable sex machine. That for me would be worth it.

Oh, I'll tell you what, what I never mentioned about my TV quiz is my goodie bag. What did you get? I got a goodie bag

with two bottles of gin and an ornamental night mask. Well, there's a night out

for someone. A in i mean i mean that sounds like my life in the 90s an ornamental night mask hang on talk me through the night mask so you know what well you know what i mean by night mask the thing that you wear like on a plane you know some people can't sleep goggles type thing sleep Yeah. I call it all of those things. I call it Top Cat. The Top Cat kind of mask. Is it actually a fabric mask, Frank? Top Cat style? It's the ones that keep the light out.

Yeah, you know Top Cat goes to sleep. It's the last thing he does. Oh, does it? He brushes his teeth. I forgot that. And he whacks on the mask before going into the bin. Condemnation of adults. What do you mean?

Yeah, I know. Top Cat doesn't count. Top Cat doesn't count. Top Cat doesn't count. You can't say, you can't pick out your favourites. Okay. You can if I remember. Listen, I'm just, I want to establish this cartoon. I didn't say I'd never refer.

Back refer to cartoons I watched as a child. Nevertheless. I don't watch it as an adult. So you've never watched Top Cat since you were a child? No. Okay. So, it's stuck in your memory. Yes.

Anyway, this one, it's got a face of a sort of a mysterious Woman of the East type feel in it, but obviously no eyes. Okay. And it's got that kind of Venice carnival feel. Oh, yes, I understand. The last ball. It's got a black face fringe, which would go past your chin.

Full fabric. Sounds extraordinary. You know, like a beaded curtain. Oh, wow. But what I don't understand is that seems to work if you're standing. Right. But not so much if you're standing. Right. But not so much

if you're in bed. You're going to keep emerging. Yeah. Where are the tassels going to go? Then I started to, then Kat said to me she thought it might be an adult play thing. Oh. So that stayed in the box. Oh, maybe

it was. Also, there was a make-up bag, which has made me quite a nice pencil case. Oh, good. My first ever nude pencil case. It's got that collar, you know, nude. Oh, you know I love a nude. I thought you meant for pencils that were nude.

What, no rubbers? Yeah, exactly. Well, I am a Catholic. Frank, Alan. Hi. Emily. You know, I love me a bit of WSM news. Yes.

Do you know what that is, Al? I'm worried. What is it? Don't worry, Frank. I'm not straying into your News. Yes. Do you know what that is, Al? Mm-hmm. I'm worried. What is it? Don't worry, Frank. I'm not straying into your community. Good. World's Strongest Man.

Ah, yes. I have a very, very soft spot for those boys after I spent a week with them in Malta several years ago. And I've told you my...

Sorry, that's my stomach. I've told you my... That's what's off. I've told you my anecdotes about the world's strongest men many times. You're familiar with them about how one of them broke a toilet seat. One of them... In a demonstration of his strength. Well, I should say he literally just sat on it and broke it.

I thought he was going to sound like he put it around his neck and then clenched and he shattered it into a thousand pieces. Bending nails and stuff. Breaking toilet seats. No, he came back into the bar and he said, oh, I just bust the toilet seat. And I said, what did you do? He said, I sat on it. Brilliant.

This was a regular thing. Then he broke the garden chair. I don't like the thought of it. It's probably quite scary, actually, to break the toilet seat. I was at a baptism, post-baptism party. Woo! Rock and roll! Another showbiz anecdote from Skinner. There was a very large relative there,

and he sat on a garden seat, and it just sank into the lawn and in the end he was just sitting basically sitting on the lawn but still on the seat

it was complete it just went it went down quite quickly as well not that not as slow as you might

not over the course of the afternoon over the course of about three seconds like it had always belonged. You know on a car park, those things that come up and stop you driving off

and then they go down. It was like that. It's become part of the landscape. And also, I mean, every bloke there thought of something he needed to do, not on the lawn. Because you knew we had to lift this blow cup off the seat.

And then what? Oh dear. Where's he going to sit now? I think he stayed down for what must have been half an hour. Still there? No, no, the seat's probably still there. The seat's always going to be there. I think if you

pull the seat out of that lawn, you're king of England. It's a monument now. Is that what happened to Arthur? The seat's always going to be there. I think if you pull the seat out of that lawn, you're a king of England. Oh, right. It's a monument now. Is that what happened to Arthur? Yeah, it's called the seat in the lawn. Do you remember that famous... That is a cartoon I've watched recently.

Anyway. Anyway, so re-World's Strongest Man. Well, I mean, you guys, you've spent time with the World's Strongest Man. I think Al must be moving towards at least the long list of World's Strongest. It's true. I am a person who gets sent videos and photographs

of other people working out. Don't we all do? Yeah, look, we're done. Oh, did they? Yeah, yeah, I get that. So, you know, I know people in the strength world, but not these guys. I get that so you know I know people in the strength world but not these guys I'm in the strength world

I'm in the strength world I haven't been on holiday to Malta with them didn't one of them lift you over their head I've got a picture of it I might even put it on the socials

brilliant I was lift I was aloft yeah it was very frightening I don't think I'd like that would you not I'm always worried about

the the slam. Oh, right. Remember Giant Haystack's famous slam? He used to lift people up and then slam them down on the canvas. And then he would drop on top of them. No, mine didn't do that. No, that's...

You wouldn't be here now, probably. No. Well, the main thing was, as you know, the diet. They have to drink... You know, they have buckets of porridge. Actual buckets. Yeah. It was like breakfasting with a horse.

Yeah. No. My goodness. We might have to stop it there. Hey, hey, hey, hey. We need to regroup. He's moving towards Winnie Mandela

as the next one we're talking about the world's strongest men two of the contestants two of yeah two of Eddie the Beast Hall and

what's the other one called is it Brian Shaw? Yes. No nickname in the middle? No, no parentheses. That's his nickname, actually. It's Brian No Nickname Shaw. OK.

What would you give? He's got to have something. He probably does, actually. It's just not in this. I didn't like that Eddie... Nicknames BS. Could that lead to anything? No.

No. I didn't like that Eddie the Beast Hall wrote a book, an autobiography, and there was a lot of potential there. And you know what he went for? My story. Beast is beast. He went for Strongman, my story. Ah.

Beast of Burden, it was there. Yeah, it could have been all sorts of beast things. Beauty. Beast of Eden. Beauty and the Beast. Him and his wife, maybe. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway. He Him and his wife, maybe. Exactly. Yeah.

Anyway. Anyway. He didn't. He didn't. Maybe the next one. Maybe the novel. Yeah. They were sat next to each other on an economy flight to Scotland.

He doesn't do signings. He does tearings in half. Do you remember Jeff Capes used to do that? I was talking about this recently. We never really got to the bottom of it. Do people still tear telephone directors? I said to you they do decks of cards now. Oh, yeah, you do.

Oh, yeah, weaklings decks of cards. I could do that. I think they also use lung power to blow up a hot water bottle, don't they? Oh, yeah, that's a traditional one. That's good. Yeah. And that is good.

Meanwhile, over on the plane... I can't even blow up a balloon some days. But anyway, we'll go with it. Go on. This is a problem for them. I don't know if you know this, Al, but when you're travelling with Strongman, you don't...

Just FYI. Of course he knows. What is it, Frank? The strength world. The strength world. I've got friends that are in the strength world, by which I mean they lift weights and they send me pictures of it. So in the strength world, it's known that you cannot sit two strong men next to each other.

Yeah. On economy. You just can't. Why would you? The girth of the thigh will kill them. I would have thought that would have been like like, lesson three in being an air host. In the strength world, yeah. All cabin crew should know that. But why can't you sit them next to each other?

Because they're too damn big. They overlap. They have chair overlap. OK. But what about the poor person who has to sit next to them if they're... Well, this is the point. Eddie the Beast Hall himself said, the check-in ladies sat me and his mate next to each other on the plane

from London to Scotland, and no-one on the plane would swap seats with us. And then he said, would you swap seats with us? I wouldn't either. Yeah, I like that. I like self-awareness from either. Yeah, I like that. I like self-awareness from the strength community, not always common.

Self-aware funniness. Oh, no, it's not quite funniness. Oh, God, you're going to defend them, obviously. Of course I am. They'll snap me in half otherwise, probably. But it costs a lot of money to travel around the world as a strongman. Some of my friends, Phil Pfister, told me that... Well, she's Nick now. Anyway.

Yeah. Leave it. I think they make Viagra. Fister. That's Pfizer. Surely also aerodynamically putting two strong men on the same... Don't send me any free stuff, by the way.

Well, there were... Putting two strong men on the same... Don't send me any free stuff, by the way. Well, there were... Sorry, what? Putting two strong men next to each other on the same side of the plane. Did the plane then fly just with one wing slightly lower than the other? Well, they still got a bit of garbage, a garden chair sinking into the soil. That is a fair point, I think.

I think from a balance... We flew in a circle the whole time. I'd want one at the back and one at the front. Me too, that's what I did Sorry, is the mic still on? Easy out I mean if you had them both sitting at the back you could end up in outer space

couldn't you? How do you actually get the nose down if you've got Brian and the Beast at the back Brian and the Beast, the less successful sequel to Beauty and the Beast. The best. Brian and the Beast. Brian and the Beast, the less successful sequel to Beauty and the Beast. But very modern.

We're in the middle of discussing the world's strongest men, but I'd just like to break off briefly, because 618 has some news. Morning, guys. Just listening to the bizarre animal names, and it made me think of the sarcastic fringehead. It's a very territorial fish with an enormous gaping mouth. Fantastic.

It's actually called the sarcastic fringehead. I mean, really? Well, he says from The Thinking Soldier. From? He says Louth, Lincolnshire. Louth. Is Louth a place in Lincolnshire? I think it is.

Oh, OK, great. I thought it was like North or something, like Louth was another coordinate. No, I don't... This is... To me, this link is like an avant-garde poem. I have no idea what's going on at all. If you read Louth Lincolnshire, you'd assume it was like north-south.

It sounds a bit like south. I just got confused seeing it written. I think it's the name, the hotel check-in name used by Sarah Lancashire so that fans don't know where she's staying. Anyway, the sarcastic fringehead. Okay. And that's a real fish.

Could you find out, please? please thank you or is it in a novel written by lauf lincolnshire because it's probably one of those scandi things that's what he sounds like anyway so what do you think of these men on the i mean as i say phil fister and derek poundstone to your guys two genuine um wsm friends of mine they were always saying this was an issue, the travelling on planes. The fact that normal furniture is not for superhuman massive specimens. No, they've had breakages and all sorts. I don't know what you can do about that, though.

I mean, it's utilitarianism, isn't it? The greatest good for the greatest number. I think of. Yes. You're listening to Radio 4's philosophy now. Stuart Millauer. Can I just tell you, the sarcastic fringehead is a real fish. That's amazing.

When two fringeheads have a territorial battle, oh, it's a bit like Blurby Oasis. Yeah. They wrestle. Oh, yeah. It's for Blurby Oasis. Yeah. They wrestle. Oh, yeah. It's for you in the strength world. Good. By pressing their distended mouths against each other

as if they were kissing. Mouth wrestling. I'm surprised. This allows them to... We've all had nights like that. I'm surprised they don't say, oh, well, obviously this is your territory, you know. Of course, that's fully established.

So I'll just, you know, I mean, why would I be? Obviously, this is where you live. Isn't that how they deal with it? Anyway. It turns out they wrestle. They've got both passive and aggressive. They lip wrestle. What happens post-wrestling, they then, whoever wins,

they're allowed to determine who is the largest fish, which establishes dominance. Okay. Apparently. Yeah? Well, good to know. I'm glad they exist, I must say. Me too. Have you got a picture of them?

Yes, we can put up a picture of the sarcastic fringe head. I think the fringe, I mean, look, it's not, it's hardly a sort of Liam at his peak fringe. I have another question about our world's strongest men and their aviation. Oh, yeah. Sure.

Had the plane gone down into water in one of those water landings, would a life vest keep either of those two big units afloat? Oh, no. Great question. Because surely a life vest on a man of that size is just going to look like a bib. In a sully type situation. Wouldn't their throats keep them above water?

They've got very big throats. They might just choose to drown like five other passengers so that they can have their life vests and stay afloat. You might be glad of them when the sharks are approaching. Because either they can fill up on them, otherwise, if anyone's going to beat the sharks off... Yeah, it's the bloke called the Beast. Yeah, exactly.

Imagine sharks on the way, as sharks do, with their absolute head down. They never look up for the pass, sharks, they just go. And then seeing those two dangling in the water and saying uh paul should we leave let's leave it let's just leave it i was once moved um i better um i was moved on a plane for balance reasons they came over and said so it's not a very busy flight

would would could seven or eight of you move to the back of the plane it's a little bit unsettling it is I'd like to think that keeping the plane in the air is something that is the pilot I don't want me to have some sort of

part in that that I have to play not your business no I don't want it to be interactive just let the plane and the pilot combo deal with that part in that that I have to play. Not your business. No, I don't want it to be interactive. Flight. But just let the plane and the pilot combo deal with that. Look, I don't want passenger distribution to be crucial. So, and I

I'm way, you know, 10-10. 10-10? Yeah, big 10-10. You know Phil Pfister? Yeah, what about him? Oh, no, I'm no Phil Pfister. That's true. Not anymore. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. Emily was mooting the idea that she thought Louth was, what was it, like a coordinate? I just thought it was an extra coordinate, like the sort of Harry Potter additional platform maybe. Right. We get used to the four and I thought possibly Louth was just a hidden one.

So an element of south. Yeah, north, east, south, Louth. Like long south or something like that. Lovely, lovely work, Frank. Like a trap street. You have it in one.

Do you know a trap street? I knew we'd all be on the same page. So you just say, like, if you go to the coordinates, I'm just going to throw it in and see what people say. North, East, South, Louth. West. 8-0-6. And Beast, maybe Beast.

What's he called, Bobby the Beast? Eddie Hall. Bobby, the 1950s driver. Bobby the Beast. Eddie Hall. The 1950s driver. Eddie the Beast Hall. Yeah. Eddie Strongman Hall. Beast. Oh, 806 has texted,

Hi, Frank and team, Louth is outside London in the Confederacy, so don't worry about it. Oh, God. And then a little smile. Oh, come on. No, I think that's... It's sort of South East, I believe.

I think we can take that in the spirit. No, Southwest, Frank. What's south-west? Louth. So it's not Lincolnshire. No, it's Lincolnshire. So... Oh, I see what you mean.

Thank you, thank you. And 774 has said, worry not about passenger weight distribution. We were concerned about being moved within an aeroplane. I was moved. I was moved by aircrew. You were moved. Many, many times.

Well, comfortingly, and particularly this week, with the environment being at the forefront of all of our minds, worry not about passenger weight distribution. It just saves fuel if it's well balanced. Oh, because they were so worried about it. One of the stewardesses had to take off some of her make-up and put it in the other end of the plane. Well, here's a point.

Here's a thing. Here's a thing. I'm told it's very bad for your skin, regular flight. Is that? Yeah. I once asked the stewardess about the excess makeup. Oh yes, it's dehydrating, isn't it, the flight? And she said, oh, your skin gets that bad. You end up not, You start out not putting much makeup on

and then you just, you know, you have to do all this. The pressure. And it's helpful if there's a fire or something. But she was... I was reading, oh, it's probably been five or six years ago, about a US airline that found that its profit margin was dipping a bit.

And it was to do, they were spending more on fuel than they had previously, even though they were doing the same routes. And that research showed it was takeoff that was doing the problem. And it's because their passengers were getting heavier. They were using more fuel to get the plane off the ground. The V60 pandemic. Yeah. Do you think that's what it was?

I mean, I don't know how you handle that. We're the passengers, not the luggage. You could have weight. You know when you get charged more if it's over no you couldn't have that didn't Eddie the Beast Hall say he tried to weigh himself and it said error yeah

when he got on the machine do you remember last week we discussed how I used to tease my brother who was heavier than me but it's a different time back in the day if somebody had a rounder face than you, you could make fun of them for being fat. They didn't actually have to be, did they?

And I used to do a thing where I said that they'd invented some speaking scales and that he'd got on it and it had said one at a time, please. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, I think that's... Fun times. But, yeah, it's all gone now. Gone. Not forgotten.

I'll tell you something. If I was Aircrew and The Beast and Brian Shaw were there, when you're doing the safety thing, you just don't want to bring up the brace position. Don't even want to bring it up. Here's the point. Go on. Should these men be allowed on a plane?

Lovely. That's my tummy, yeah? Yeah, it's lovely. That's the top. Should they be allowed on a plane? Here's my point. You think they're like BA from the 80s? No, but here's the thing.

And on my plane. I'm not saying they fit. If I got on a plane carrying an axe, someone would say to me, I'm sorry, you can't take that axe. You can put it in the hole, but you can't have that on the plane. You've got a woodsman vibe about you. Yeah.

I love you in that role. I'm interested to think how Frank thinks that these human beings are axes. No. We're going to get... But if a martial arts expert who could, with his bare hands, chop through three house bricks got on a plane, no one would stop that person. Now, that person, they're not carrying a lethal weapon,

they are a lethal weapon. In the eyes of the law. It's my eyes. I know. They could karate chop their way out of the plane. No, no, but the idea... But they could... No, but they could do damage to other passengers or the crew.

Yeah. Yeah. But then, I mean, how does Anthony Joshua get around? How do any of us get around? I mean, I can't walk into my child's school with a bag of peanuts. Yes. But I could

walk, Alan Cochran could walk into his school fully armed with the martial arts. It could do a lot more damage. Start attacking those peanut-sensitive children. No, but you could... Hang on, I'll have a risk. This is a serious point.

What about if you are a weapon? I think... You've got to be careful calling people out. A sort of fabric of society question. I think that's what it is. I suppose... We're back on philosophy now. What would your solution be then?

So should people in the strength world, do you think they should just perform in their own community maybe and we don't interact with them? I think anyone who is a potential

killing machine should be in the same category as taking an axe on a plane. And what do they do? Do they just have... Maybe they wear something so we know. Here's an example. What about Mr Miyagi?

If he was flying long haul, nobody would think that he was the killer machine. They're the ones that you worry about because some of them you can see. They're my favourites, the ones that don't look like tough guys. Anthony Joshua, you know. No, but Mr Miyagi comes with an air of philosophy and wisdom,

which means he's unlikely maybe to use it in vain. Okay, so your system would require maybe they have to fill out a questionnaire and know who wrote Mill on the Floss. Look, a friend of mine was on a plane, and a man got up in a frenzy of fear and tried to open the door on the plane. Right. And he was screaming and going mad.

I mean, I can imagine it was a stressful situation. Yeah. And once a friend of mine, someone I used to work with, I'm distancing him before I tell you the anecdote. So he got up and he hit this bloke

and knocked him over. Perfect. But he said that's great there was a panic happening people were this bloke was causing

hysteria on the plane people were terrified he didn't knock him out I don't think but he knocked him over and it subdued him absolutely perfect he put the fire out

and then everyone could get on with it I mean that's so strength world he put the fire out yeah but so your point is what Well, what about if the man doing it was from Strength World?

He would have just knocked my former colleague over and carried on. It's not a DFS. There's not a sale this weekend. What I'm saying is in the context of a plane, these people...

These people? I totally agree they are uncontainable they can't be stopped whatever they want to do they cannot be stopped this is why it's every other passenger on that plane's civic duty to become stronger and more capable we've got to join strength world

to overpower the strength world people what you're saying is I've got to leave weeble world and join strength world is I've got to leave Weeble World and join Strength World. We've all got to start exercising from now, people. No, I'm saying there's an argument

that they should have flights for bright people and flights for strong people. What about people that are both? I know several people that are both. I can't bear it. Go to music.

You could have two seat-a-planes for them. Please go to music. I can't bear it. Here's a question. Thanks, Beyonce. I'd be good if someone could answer this. My partner asked me if I'd like to taste her vinegary mango.

And I was confused because I thought, surely a mango is the epitome of sweetness. And she said, there's something wrong with this one. And it was new. There was no discolouration or anything. No added vinegar? Nothing. It tasted like vinegar.

Did it? I mean, it was... Oh, because you know I love the sound of her mango. Is that where they get vinegar? Mangoes? I don't think so. No, they get the vinegar from the grapes.

But the weird... Is it from grapes? I think it is. Is it really? Yeah, I think it is because you know when people say I'm sure it is, yeah. Yeah.

Anyway. I mean, apple cider vinegar isn't but that's just a side issue. It tasted so unpleasant I went to bed and I was... It wasn't just that horrible taste I mean, apple cider vinegar isn't, but that's just a side issue. It tasted so unpleasant. I went to bed and it wasn't just that horrible taste. I was a bit upset by it. I was upset by the taste.

Honestly, I was emotionally... Did it stay with you, the taste? No. Luckily, I had some extra strong mints in the bedroom. Oh, Alan's always got those. I mean, you complain about the strongies, but you get them out when you need them. But I just wondered if anyone knows about these things,

because this was not an off. This was a fresh... A fresh mango with no discolouration at all. You're not selling things on the beach. No added vinegar, but yet tasted vinegar. What bothered you was that it was very tart.

You know when you have a cake, I don't know if you've ever talked into a number of Brazil nuts. Oh, yeah. Occasionally you get soapy Brazil. Yes. Who I think is also an underworld figure. What's Alan's nickname? Used to run errands for the craze.

No, so you get one that just tastes like soaps. Absolutely disgusting. And again, not black or, you know, in any way looking old. Right. I'd love to know if anyone knows, can explain the vinegary mango phenomenon to me. I would love to know. The last time you asked a food question like this,

it was about exploding tomato ketchup, and I thought you'd run mad, and it turned out lots of people have had it. Yeah, that was weird. It ferments in the bottle, eh? Yeah, fermenting. So you might be on to another winner here with your vinegary mango question.

I don't ask these things just to fill the time. Oh, I'm aware. We want answers. And it's like the cyanide almond which we've discussed. Ah. Plowing through a lovely almond, possibly salted, possibly not, depends on your personal prep.

Then you come across a cyanide one, and do you know this sensation? But isn't the thing with cyanide that it smells of almonds? Yes, because that is there is a tiny, tiniest percentage of cyanide in the smells of almonds. Yes, because that is, there is a tiny, tiniest percentage of cyanide in the almond, I believe. OK.

Well, I'll go to our house. One of your earlier questions was what memorabilia have people got. Yeah. 855 has texted, I'm in the army and Matt Dawson came to visit our camp. Being a member of the regiment rugby team, we got to meet him. Matt Dawson's an England rugby player.

Question of sport, isn't he? Yes, yes. He seemed nice. With Mother's Day looming, I got him to sign a Tesco's Value Mother's Day card worth 12p. He wrote, To Christine, my signature is worth more than this card. Lots of love, Matt Dawson. Good point.

That is an excellent gift. It's very hard to know what to write when people say, can you write something funny? It's one of the difficult, on cards and things. And also it's a funny thing to say, but not that big a brag that his signature is worth more than 12. No, no. Who do you think you are? Nicely judged.

Mr 13P signature. That is. We had another one. We better do it after this break. In our strange memorabilia. I say memorabilia. A competition. Is it a competition?

There is no prize. Don't kid yourselves. I'm trapped. I'm trapped in the end of this link. Can you help me out? Alan, can you open the door? Do something. Don't say that.

What if he goes... See, he could kill us in here. I don't think I could. I'm not that great. We're weeks away from here. Oh, yeah. What if he did? What, on the Strongy Rampage... Oh, I don't want to think about it. Frank Skimmer.

Absolute Radio. We've had a dangerous people on planes missive. Okay. 695. Sat next to an elderly Japanese gentleman at a wedding. Transpired, he'd travelled from Japan with his wife. He was in his late 70s, 5 foot 1 inch tall. Okay.

Interesting use of tall. It was a strange emphasis, wasn't it? 5 foot 1 inches tall. I should have just said 5 foot 1 inches tall. Anyway, he'd been searched. I think Alan's making the point that why even bring up the subject of tall?

I had also put an odd emphasis on it. But yeah, to me, that's just, that's how we do, five foot one. He travelled in the overhead locker. He'd been searched and detained at security. He was an Aikido master and declared as a lethal weapon in his passport. Here we go, you see, you all. They all laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round. Hence, every time they go on holiday,

he gets scrutinised and searched. So there is a system where these people are known. Have a good day. The medical team at Brands Hatch. Wow, excellent. Okay? Excellent. Shout out to the medical team at Brands Hatch.

Thanks, I'll see you soon, guys. Who I've got more respect for than this Aikido master. Do you not have respect for him? I said Aikido, it's Aikido. What's the point of searching him? Because he is the weapon. Also, careful, he'll get the shurikens out. Also, if he's an old Aikido guy,

probably somebody that's never done anything, picking up one of the food trays and just slapping somebody with it would be more dangerous than this dude. Well, of course you aren't going to defend these dangerous people. Supposedly dangerous. What about muzzling? Could they travel?

What if they travelled in handcuffs? A Hannibal Lecter on a trolley. What about their hands tied behind their back on flight? That's a compromise. What, for the strongman? For anyone who qualifies as a weapon. I don't know what you think. Maybe, I'm just playing around with ideas, Al, so don't get upset.

Maybe a tranquiliser dart, like you use for a chimpanzee or a gorilla. Right. Something like that. Something that can be with brute force, or a horse, or an elephant. Not comparing any of the strength world to them, but you should have the legal right to sedate them with a tranquiliser

dart. Any member of the public. Are you thinking an air crew with a holster? Yeah. No, I think all members of the public are allowed to have one on a flight that they're on. What a drag, aren't they? But then what you're doing then, you see, is you're losing at one end. You've given all these people a weapon.

What we want to get rid of is the person who is a weapon, not make everyone a weapon. Oh, sorry, I've got sort of eye for an eye. I think... Attitude towards life, sorry. Ironically, no. I think handcuffing on the back is perfectly reasonable. OK, well, are we all agreed on that?

If I was, you know, if I was a killing machine, I'd be happy to give in to that, just for the joy of knowing that when I get off, people better have some respect. That's all. Do you think you've got the propensity to kill? Eventually. 8, 12, 15.

I don't think you have. See if we can weed them out. I've always thought it's probably a good thing. Wow, we've got 300 yeses already. I've always thought it's good that I'm not a master of the martial arts. Because I look back sometimes when people have annoyed me and I thought, if I could have killed that person. Not killed them, maybe.

But, you know, I was just tore off a limb. It's probably better, I think, that I couldn't. If I could, I mean, oh, dear. You just want it's best not to be able to isn't it this is why people often try to align it

with eastern mysticism and stuff so you've got you know a bit of philosophy attached to it to try and talk you out of it

try and talk you down but yeah there's all these people all over Britain being trying to be assassins all over Britain

yeah Britain the assassin capital of the world well I'm just people all over Britain trying to be assassins. All over Britain? The assassin capital of the world. I'm giving that to the fore. You said that to me when you saw boxing gloves in my boot and you saw a riding hat and boxing gloves and you said what are you, some sort of assassin? James Bond figure. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. We had a bit of a memorabilia chat earlier and one of the more obscure texts that's come in to commercial radio on a Saturday morning I suspect I suppose you couldn't play it under a haven't heard it for ages theme one of my most cherished possessions is a Jake Thackeray bar chit i'm

assuming that's his bill is that yeah that yeah best and happy easter from kate jake thackeray um for our younger listeners um was um uh for english i guess you'd call him a folk singer not traditional folk he wrote stuff okay and he used to be on telly a lot. He used to be on things like... He didn't write Vanity Fair. No. He used to be on... There's another one. Those consumer affairs, that's life type thing. Oh, did he? Okay. He used to do a different song every week. He actually sang a song about a gorilla, as I'm referred to. Brother Gorilla. Which I think was a translation of a Jacques Borel song about a gorilla that breaks free from a cage and has the physicals with a high court judge.

Stop stealing material from capital radio DJs. Oh, I heard a thing the other day. No, what station was it? Anyway, someone texted in to this DJ radio and it said, when you played, who was it they played? It was a sort of soul type star. Modern? Male soul type person.

Who was the bloke from the Communards? Lionel Richie. Someone like that. Okay, okay. When you played Lionel Richie, blah, blah, blah, it was music to my ears. I thought, yes,

because it was music. And you have ears. Why don't you put it to your ears? They didn't pick up on it. They just read that out. We've had a message from Captain Cremon from Harrogate. Captain Cremon was...

He was the Kenny Everett cartoon figure. He was, exactly. But I wouldn't know because I've said I didn't watch cartoons. No, not now. But this... I'm going to have to deny this forever. It's very awkward. I think he's a genuine captain.

OK. Okay. Haha Airlines use assumed weights for passengers. What's Haha Airlines? Is this a joke airline or a real one? Norwegian. Possibly. Is it run by Morton Harkett? Yeah.

Good. So if you have the odd pie eater, it is taken into account. They weigh sample loads every couple of years to make sure they're still accurate. On an A330, for example, we don't know what the aircraft weighs to about three to four tonnes because of averaging. It doesn't matter because the flight plans and performance is ultra conservative and gives protection. Glad for you. plans and performance is ultra-conservative and gives protection. Also, the aeroplane weighs itself once airborne and then balances itself by pumping

fuel fore and aft. Excellent. Simples. But here's the question. He doesn't put simples. He has put simples, but I'm going to forgive him because he put fore and aft. But here's a question. Let's say you were on a private jet company. Okay, I do. And you get a phone. Let's say you run a private jet company.

Okay, I do. And you get a phone call from, say, Storm, the popular model agency, saying we want to fly some of our girls out to Milan, Milan Fashion Week. They're obviously going to be the other extreme. Is it possible that you'd never be able to get the plane out of the sky? No, I think their luggage would counteract it.

Of course, their luggage! I hadn't thought about that. That's a very good point. I still haven't found out whether Ha Ha Airlines is genuine or just some sort of Muppet Show Airlines. Just briefly before we go... No, it is real. Hahn Airlines.

They fly between Dusseldorf... Or maybe it was autocorrect. ...Brandy and Luxembourg. Arguably the best memorabilia text that we've had in was in a pub outskirts of Manchester with lots of MUFC, Manchester United fans. Memorabilia on the walls. Got talking to three locals.

One of them had a signed high-vis vest after doing community service along with Eric Cantona when he kicked that Crystal Palace fan. That's a beautiful... There's a lot to like in that. That's a beautiful... I think just the idea of memorabilia you can see in the dark is such a great thing.

I think memorabilia from a fellow crim is always nice. What a great bloke. Doesn't Cantona come out of that well that he would sign a high-waist jacket in that context? He'd need a sharpie for that. Oh, Le Grand Eric, as Peter Cook used to call him on Fantasy Football. Oh, those years ago.

OK, that's the end of the show. Thank you for listening to us. Happy Easter. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio.