The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Love Bags and Kumquats

Episode Date: October 14, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss unique pronunciations, what's in their Love Bags and Ivana Trump. Plus Frank reveals the perfect gig snack.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 8 12 15, that's 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio webby. Morning Frank. Morning. Morning. Morning.

Morning. You got rid of the Dal. Morning, Frank. Morning. Morning. Morning. Morning. You got rid of the Dalek thing, that's good. Yeah, I don't know. You know, sometimes you speak and your throat's not quite ready for it. Yeah. I mean, that often happens to me during the day. Does it?

You know, if you've just got up and not... If I've been grumpy during the school run or something. Happens to Theresa May during the conference. It did, it did. I get it. If someone... If some people who I don't know

obviously speak to me in the street and I don't know they're going to speak to me so suddenly, suddenly go, all right, Frank, and I go,

I just, I just, Do you know what's awful about that? Yes, I said awful. It's the one encounter with you, Frank. I know.

You've got to make that golden, yeah? But if you're not expecting it and your voice has gone into a sort of arrest mode, yeah, it's you're not expecting it and your voice has gone into a sort of arrest mode... Yeah.

It's not your fault, is it? Well, sometimes it's just like that, I'd say. And then I've always thought that they're in the pub that night saying, I saw that Frank Skinner today. He's... He won't have any... He's got no use for consonants.

I think they just say he's quite weird in real life. Yeah, they probably do, but, you know, don't spring it on me, give me a chance. I want to talk to you, but I need a ramp. I had a... I was at... I've been filming this week. Oh!

Yes. And I was sitting in the room, the chambre verte. Yeah. Chambre verte. The green room. Yes, we get it. Do they say chambre verte? No.

What would they say? No one's ever said that before. What would you say? What do they say then? I suspect the green room is potentially an English colloquialism. No, but if they said the green room in France, wouldn't they say chambre vette? No, they'd just go, sit over there.

Shut up. Okay, so anyway, I was in there, and I was talking to the guests on the show, and over my shoulder I heard someone say, Frank was in great form tonight. Lovely. And I thought, come on.

Really raised me. I looked around, it was my manager. Oh. Oh, well, I mean, he's paid to say that. Did that mean, that didn't mean as much to you?

No, of course not. Oh, that's a shame. What else can he say? He's been sincere. Well, he might have been, but... Yeah, but if he was... It's a bit like when your manager likes your posts on Instagram or Twitter. Well, I just don't know.

It's absolutely meaningless. You know, there's a sort of like which you're paying for. Right. And, well, there's many varieties of that. Let's not discuss them all on breakfast radio. But, yeah, I was up and then I was down. But, you know, also people pay for that at, I don't know, Alton Towers, don't they?

Yeah. The rising and the lowering, they love that. Yeah. They'd have made great 17th century witches. They had a love day, love day, got that. They never really, the docking stall never really went into the commercial world of the theme park.

It never took off, to be honest. Well, it did take off, and then it came down again. The idea is you're held under the water. I think they just took you down and brought you up again, didn't they? Yeah, I think so. It was a big deal in medieval times, getting wet. the water. I think they just took you down and brought you up again, didn't they? Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

It was a big deal in medieval times. Getting wet. It was, yeah. Or they didn't like it. Is that where the phrase you're in hot water comes from? Well, it was an enforced repeated swim, wasn't it, essentially. And it wasn't nice. A ducking stool. Oh, worse things.

8, 12, 15. Is today's show going to have, like, a medieval torture-degraged theme? No, I hadn't even thought of it. So I hope we're going to play some Iron Maiden. I don't know. That's excellent work. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I remember the first time I met Ricky Wilson. He's worked with them all. I said, I really like that. Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie. And he said, it's Ruby. I said, yes, whatever, Ruby. He was sort of pleased that I liked at least the melody.

Oh, good. You can't learn the whole lyric. No, you can't. It's too much to ask. Exactly. I went to a gig last night. I saw the comedian Tim Key. Oh, he's a friend of the show.

The Soho Theatre. How was that? It's actually really brilliant. I'd very much recommend it. It's at the Soho Theatre. In fact, I think after I invited him to come on as a guest next week. Did you?

I think that's all supposed to go through the producer. We'll see you then Tim but I'm not holding him to it it was you know it was after you know post show excitement it was what I call plans Frank we were both a bit giggly after the show

oh good anyway he was I don't think he'll come I'll tell you why I'll tell you why not? I had Anyway, he was... I don't think he'll come. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you... By the way... Why not? Some idea, by the way. I had...

I took a pocket full of kumquats. Did you? To the gig. Yeah. And have you ever took kumquats to a gig? No. It's weird. It's a weird thing to do, I think.

You say it's weird, but, you know... I'm sticking with it. If that's weird, what about the life of Alistair Crowley, the diabolist? Anyway, I just had, I got a big fruit bowl this week. Whenever you start a television, I'm filming Room 101 at the moment, and you get a big fruit bowl day one, nothing day two, incidentally. But anyway, so the big fancy fruit bowls, they always fill in the gaps with kumquats.

Kumquats is the sort of cement in the fruit bowl. Yes, they're like grouting, aren't they? Yes. Lovely. In case you're not familiar with a kumquat, it's like a tiny orange that you eat, peel and all. First time I heard of them was a WC Fields sketch. A blind man goes into a shop and asks for comquats

and then walks around smashing the whole place up trying to find them with his stick. Oh, I love that sketch. Couldn't do it now, of course. We didn't know. We didn't know! They're quite bitter, aren't they? They're acidic.

Blind men? No. Outrageous. You'll get bit bitter. I'm acidic. Blind men. That's because they're... Outrageous. Yeah. You'll get us thrown off air at this rate. Yeah, you can't generalise like that. I'm not saying some of them aren't. All of them. You can't generalise.

Not all. No, some of them are cheery. Yeah. Because Stevie Wonder, he's off, constantly off. Anyway. Oh, wow. Do you know, they're just like constantly up. Anyway. Oh, wow. You know, they're just like everyone else. Different.

Anyway, so I had, I suppose I had seven or eight kumquats in me pocket. God, that's a lot. You ate them all, did you? Well, it's an hour, over an hour, I think. An hour and ten or something like that. Two every 15, ain't bad. What's brilliant about them as a gig, as you say, they're tart.

They're very tart. I like that tartness. Because you don't normally eat the peel. It's made me a bit bolder with the old peel concept. I'm thinking I might take on a tangerine. Good for you. Imagine eating the tangerine peel and all. Would you go orange? Indirect.

I know orange. One step at a time. Sweet Jesus. I I What I like about eating a tangerine or a satsuma peel and all is that they are now sold on the strength of being

easy peelers. And it's flying in the face of that so an easy peeler, but you know what, I'm still not peeling it I love an easy peeler I'm referring of course to that police woman I went out with I love the nod of recognition

so anyway they're great for ginks lemons? no no, that's too much they're great for gigs lemons? pardon? lemons? no no that's too much ok but the concho

at a gig they're silent and that's what's great there's very few things you can eat that don't make some noise like you know it's not a mint trap

they were in the pocket of my fleece for extra silence so I just took them out straight in the mouth. Proper stealth snacks, isn't it? Yeah, all the activities going on inside your closed mouth so no one knows. And the pips, I just left them on the floor in the theatre.

Oh, did you? Yeah, it's all right. People pay to clean. Hang on, are there pips in the kumquat? Oh, yeah. I didn't know that. You can people paid to clean. Hang on, are there pips in the kumquat? Oh, yeah. I didn't know that. You can't just have them. You can't just have them.

Pardon? You don't want a kumquat tree growing in your belly. Is that the concern? That'd be ridiculous. I don't want to eat pips. You don't just eat them? I've got international representation. You're eating peel.

But you're worried about pips. Peel is... Yeah, you're right. What am I doing? I'm eating peel and rejecting peels. I might as well take the whole thing off. Oh, it's like marriage. You can't, you know, you can't cherry pick.

It's kumquat pick. Anyway, pocket full of kumquats. That's the secret. I hope that didn't just cut out on someone's radio halfway through. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skin through. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I think, Tim, won't come on next week,

because I broke the comedian's code somewhat. I don't know how you are with this, Al, but post-geek. Still tense now. I did that thing where I said, I actually had an idea for something you could do. Did you? Yeah. You know, sometimes you watch a comic and they say something,

you think, oh, God, if you'd have said blah, blah, then it would have got a big... But with your own act, if you do that and it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. But if I think... Yes. He knows I'll be in now, you know, in a week's time to see if he's added it.

Yeah. But it did afterwards. I don't think our friendship will ever be the same again. It's an awkward moment, isn't it? I hate it when people do it to me. Hate it. Do you? What is it?

Is it a helpful advice? Because it's sort of suggesting it's something you didn't think of, but I've thought of. Yeah. And also it can depend on where you are in the process. I think his show's either finished or quite a close to finished work in progress. So if someone does it too early,

it can be like, well, I would have thought of that in three days if you'd just show up. Like now it's always going to feel like your joke if I do it. Yeah. You don't want that thing. Well, the good thing is, he can come on the

show, now that you've asked him, and we can talk about it in a very non-embarrassing environment. Just like when we had Alex Horne on. And I called him Alan. He won't come on. He'll be furious. He'll still wake up furious this morning. I should do. Fighting drunk he'll be when he wakes up.

Yes. Anyway, can't. You don't want people saying I've thought of something you haven't thought of. That's why I inventors. Sure up about it. I am I'm doing a bit of, am I doing some name dropping?

have I name dropped yet today? I suppose Tim Key's name dropping Alan Horn we mentioned the chap from the Kaiser Chiefs I was talking to Charlie Brooker this week and I noticed something

which it's something I'm not that happy about with the English people. I noticed... I didn't pull him up on it, but he says... He breaks it. He says... What if he's listening? He says cigarette. Oh, right.

Instead of cigarette. That's a bit 90s of you guys, having a cigarette. He says cigarette. Do you know when I blame David Bowie basically for it. Do you remember time takes a cigarette? I'm sure everyone in England said

cigarette with the stress on the et. And I still do. But now people have started saying cigarette. And that's wrong. Okay. I'm finding it weird to listen to. Why?

I just... Can you hear the difference? I can hear the difference. Not very well, no. You can't. No, I know. So it's like you would say, oh, cigarette. Yeah.

Is how one would have previously said it. That's how English people say it. Whereas now, it's the slightly more poetic, as you say, as David Bowie... I think it's an American thing. Oh, is it? Yeah. Yes. You haven't done the second one, though.

Oh, sorry. Cigarette. Cigarette. No, cigarette. Cigarette. As in time takes a cigarette. Yeah. Yeah, I've heard the song.

You should say time takes a cigarette. But it doesn't. It's what I believe my father would have called an American corruption. There you go. Much like invite versus invitation. Yes. There you go.

Well, exactly. I mean, he's a lovely man and very talented. It hasn't put me off him. Sometimes, I've been working out recently. As you get older, as you get older, no, not that. As you get older, you've got less time. So you need to work out,

you need to get into not liking people quicker. Yes. A filtering process. Yes. There's a few key words that put me off people. Now, generalisation. Oh yeah, what are they then?

Atheists. Well, I've turned a part of it. No, I don't. That's a white flight that puts me off people. I like that though. If I was put off by every atheist, I really would have no... Well, Frank.

I'm going to say in response to what Al said, a word that puts me off people, which is touche. Oh, yeah. A man said that to me once, didn't get past date one. Well, a guy said to me the other night. Oh, it's lazy.

He said, thanking you. Oh, no, come on. Come on. Anyway, my main, I'm sorry, the fez is burning a hole in my... I want to know what the word is. Well, it's actually, it's almost a grammatical. It's to do with plurals. Okay.

Anyways. I'll come back. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Yes. So, it's to do with plurals. Oh, yeah.

You know, like when it's more than one of something. I know what plurals are. I'm just helping everyone out. It's very pluralistic of you. And I suppose they're at both ends of the scale. When someone says, I'm going out for a few beers that really puts me off them

why? because beer I'm happy with but something about beers really? I think it's broken Britain to me what to do with the fact that they're planning on getting drunk? no, no, because beer obviously can be expanded to an enormous amount

so you can say I'm going out for a few beer add a couple of beers if you're going to. I'm going out for a few beer. Add a couple of beers. If you're going to say you're going out for some beer, no one ever said that. You would prefer them to use the fashion singular, like a jean. A few beers. And the other one, it's at the other end,

more at the toffee-nosed end of the scale, is when people say they like film rather than films. Oh, yes, I don't like that. No, I know then that person will never be my friend. So we can save each other a lot of time. Yeah. Film. And if you're unsure, hand someone on some sort of pretense,

hand them your jacket to hold for a second. And if they hold it in such a way that there's a high risk that stuff can fall out the pocket, then they can never be my friend. No foresight, you see. That's a friendship deal breaker. I'm not a big fan of me-things either. Oh yeah,

me-things. I don't mind it in Shakespeare. No, in everyday life. I don't mind, exactly. If someone from, you know, the Tudor or medieval period used it, I wouldn't judge. But how often do you meet those people? Yeah, especially in a world where we've got iPhones and Siri to do our thinking for us.

We don't need me-things anymore, do we? Social comment. I tell you what, though, you know what you will reprimand me for saying things like I always say Star Wars yes

and you say it should be Star Wars indeed yeah or most people say that Steven Gerrard Steven Gerrard

yeah that's weird Frank they sound like a cabaret act but haven't we all got those I had to when I was a when I was a kid, I was obsessed with American comic books,

and me and my cousin used to read them, and he... World's Finest, he always called World's Finest. Always. And I'm on about into our teens. I know people must have corrected him, but people stick with him.

Yeah. Superman's girlfriend was Lossie Lane. Where did he get Lossie from? I got attacked the other day. I mean, verbally attacked. I said waft. There was a certain waft of perfume. Yeah.

And this young woman said to me, what did you say? I said, it's just sort of waft. She said, it's waft. Yeah, I would say waft. I said, oh, maybe it's a sort of, you know, regional thing I say. You know, you say waft, I say waft. Let's call the whole thing. And she said, no, it's just wrong.

So... Well, it stays with you. I was in a bank queue once, and the gentleman behind me, I must have been about 18, he referred to me. He was angry with me. We had an argument. We had a disagreement of some sort over the queuing process. And he referred to me as a feisty Category C swear word. And for the rest of my life, I've pronounced it feisty because of that man.

Oh. See, I'd have thought that would have put you off it. No. If you associated it with him. I don't think I'd encountered it that often. And I just thought, well, that must be the right way. Feisty. Not realising it was a sort of street pronunciation.

Oh, was it? Oh, I see. I got condemned for saying bumping cars the other week. Bumping cars? Yeah, apparently you can't call them dodgums now. OK. I've always thought of them as dodgums. Really?

Yeah. But some are very simple about bumping cars. Bumping cars, I think if you did meet someone from medieval times, they'd get that. Yeah. Dodgums. You're not trying to dodge them, are you? You're trying to ride dodge them are you trying

to ride into them ergo ergo is one of mine sorry it's all gone a bit is that one of yours yeah it is now oh okay you're having that ergo you're a bit late late review on ergo. I think it is. Me thinks. What is it like? It's hot in here. Is it hot? It's really hot. I'm really clammy. I need... Clammy? You know those little mini fans you can get?

I need one of them on a stick about 18 inches long. Oh yes, have those in white mischief. Mischief? Don't be ridiculous. Mischief? Don't be ridiculous. Mischief. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. On the subject of everyone pronouncing something a little bit weirdly,

I think I might do it with the word Wednesday because my mate Dan always says that I'm pronouncing the middle bit. Yeah, you don't. You show the D a lot of love. I think that might be is that unusual? I'd say Wednesday. And I'm saying Wednesday. But I think you're right to say that.

Well, in the same way that the R in February should be pronounced. I think I do that as well. You're such a stickler for detail, Al. Yeah, I mean, I even pronounce silent letters. It goes right to a fault, actually. I think I've pointed out before, my dad used to say,

um, etiquety for etiquette. Oh, did he? And Somerset Matham, the writer. Oh, but I kind of love that. Yeah. But, er... I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know I don't deal with all out friendship with me based on it

oh I had an idea you know occasionally I come up with an idea for an invention we should have a jingle for an invention

because everyone I think's got one good invention in them let me see if I got how about this they're an inventive

people maybe a robot invention or something. Elephant socks they invented, didn't they? You know elephant socks. Those things that's happening, you see the schoolgirls wear those really big socks. Oh, yes, I used to wear those. You think, get some socks that fit you. They're called elephant socks, they look like that.

So what's the invention then? I had an idea. I was thinking of it. I saw someone taking their dog for a walk. I wanted to know like that. So what's the invention then? I had an idea. I was thinking of it. I saw someone taking their dog for a walk. I wanted to know, Al. You had her moving swiftly on her. Sorry. Taking the dog for a walk and the dog was going

and I, the last dog I had was the same. They really really pulled pulling on the lead. I'd kill for one now, just to get me up hills. But that thing's so annoying when you go out. And my idea was, if you could bring in ear piercing for dogs. Just waiting for the switchboard to light up.

And then you can connect the lead to the earring and then the dog wouldn't pull. What do you mean? I think they might still pull. They wouldn't pull if it was on their earring. Let's investigate this. God knows I've cleaned this idea up quite a bit. So the difference, Frank, in your mind,

between the neck and the ear is what? That it would be a tougher legislation. I find when I'm wearing a studded collar, I can basically lean my own weight into it and it'll take it because your neck will take quite a lot of stuff. But if I couldn't lean, my earlobe will take virtually nothing. Right.

Maybe I've just got weak earlobes. You know, but I think if I had a chain in my earlobe, I would not pull. I would walk gently because I know the risks. Well, it depends on the dog, Frank. I mean, with the Basset Hound, you know, they've got a big ear. Well, it depends on the dog, Frank. I mean, with the Basset hound,

you know, they've got a big ear. Well, that'd be like having one of those extended lids with a Basset. I honestly think it could revolutionise dog walking. I mean, these people who dog walk for a living, you see them with seven or eight dogs. You could have, like, the bitch in the middle and then have all her nipples pierced.

What's happened? Connect all the rest of them like a big wagon wheel. Stop him! Like a massive dog wagon wheel. Stop him! No, but they only need one lead. What think of the money you've saved? This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Go on. Emily, text me up this morning too. No, we've had a lot more than that. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Daisy, did you sneeze? That's the least professional thing that's ever happened. Oh, come on, she can't help her bodily functions. I was more concerned she was going to hit her head on the camera on the return journey from the sneeze, you know. Now, listen, Davey Lewis has been in touch. His location, would they put their location, Frank, on these emails?

Do they? Normally they might say Lewis or Wes Bromwich. He says, in the kitchen. Oh, OK. So he's that type of a character. When I was in Ibiza, I saw a chihuahua with its ear pierced. Is he a personal trainer? It's all personal trainers ever talk about

is when they were in Ibiza. Oh, really? I don't have one, but if you're in a gym and you hear someone talk to their personal trainer, they'll all be saying, yeah, when I was in Ibiza. Who wants that? Shut up. Well, here Davey Lewis out.

When I was in Ibiza, I saw a chihuahua with its ear pierced. He didn't have a lead attached to it, though. I may have had a couple of shandies. Oh, see, I think it was a chihuahua. Could have been Gollum on his holidays. No, what he's saying is he may not have had a lead attached to it. But we had someone else saying, why not just be a responsible dog owner,

this is 457, and train your dog properly so it doesn't pull. It's not hard, it just takes a little bit of effort. If you're too lazy to do that, buy a halting which does the same as your idea without the cruelty element. Oh, just a minute. The pierced dog ear lead attachment, I don't idea without the cruelty element. Oh, just a minute. The pierced dog ear lead attachment,

I don't see what the cruelty element... He's training your dog not to pull. That's the point. No. The dog will feel a little bit of... Oh, no, I'm not doing that again. And that's him queuing. I don't think that would work.

Come on. I think I do have a halting for my dog. Do you have a halting? I think so. Not for me. What do you feel? We just go with my personal. What is a halting?

I don't know. I think it's the type of lead that they're more likely to pull on. There's a whole new dog world now. It's not like the Shep days when you would let them out for four days and they just have

mysterious adventures. So what's a halting? I don't actually know a halting. It's a type of lead where the strap kind of goes under their neck and they just? I don't actually know what halting is. It's a type of lead where the strap kind of goes under their neck and they just don't strain against that. Frank, that sounds very you, doesn't it? Yeah.

You know what I mean? I think that's what it is anyway. Sometimes you used to get those, like they go across the chest type Well, Ray has a harness and he loves that harness. A harness? Yeah. Don't say it like you've never used a harness before.

Have you considered a little cart? Sorry, sorry Al. We've also had an idiotic eureka moment. When I did my troll this morning, this just proves how much fun we've already been having. I haven't read you any of my troll in the first hour. We should explain that an idiotic eureka moment is when you get something late,

when something that everyone else has got. The example I always give is in the BT adverts, Maureen Lipman played a woman called BT and it never occurred to me that she was called BT because of that. Well, we've had this email from Ed Hinchcliffe. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan thought I needed to share with you

an idiotic eureka moment I experienced this morning this was last night that this email was sent I've been using computers for over 20 years with little clue as to the origin of the term QWERTY keyboard whilst having a cup of tea at work this morning I happened to glance at the keyboard of my computer and noticed the letters Q-W-E-R-T-Y

appear in sequence on the top left-hand corner. Everything suddenly became clear. Brilliant. Three exclamation marks. Am I the only person to not know the origin of the QWERTY? Yeah. Yes. You are, aren't you?

We all know QWERTY. Yeah, I knew QWERTY. It's me, I'm QWERTY. Oh. Hinchcliffe. It's me, oh QWERTY. I've come home now. Oh. Let me into your keyboard.

Oh, sorry. Yes, that's where QWERTY comes in. But that's what's great about the idiotic eureka moments is that everyone else goes, what, you didn't know that? And there's always one. By the way, you were asking about bumper cars earlier, Frank. And Alan in Watford says they used to be called bumper cars because we deliberately bumped each other. Due to health and safety gone mad,

you're supposed to dodge to avoid whiplash, etc. Hence they're now called dodgems. Oh, I see. It's health and safety. So now when we're out of Brexit, we'll be able to call them bumping cars again. Out of Brexit, you know what I mean? Out of whatever it's called. What's it called?

EU. I've already forgot what it's called. It seems like a dot in the rear view mirror yes so that's good or can I thank Alison Watts by the way who sent me two

vintage Doctor Who magazines I was on room 101 in a see through who sent me two vintage Doctor Who magazines. Wow. I was on Room 101 in a see-through folder as well, which she didn't want back, apparently. Who's the cover girl, Davros? No, the cover girl is Elizabeth Sladen.

I know Elizabeth Sladen. Do you? Well, not personally, but I mean, I know her work. Yes. Lovely. It was a whole feature on her. It's a holiday special, isn't it? In fact, yes, I'm thrilled to bits, but thank you, Alison. Number 838.

Reader 838. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I had another idiotic eureka moment emailed. Winnie the Pooh equals we need a poo. That is all. We need a poo. And then it says, I know Al will be the email trawler man.

NB praise redacted. Yeah. We need a poo. I don't think that's correct. AA Milne didn't think like that. Winnie the Pooh. AA Milne, he was a very nice man. Very, very nice man.

The trouble is with that is how often in life does one say, we need a pooh? Only the Queen. The Queen might say it. Michael Thatcher might have said it. It tends not to be a community endeavor. I mean, people aren't timed like that. Maybe when women live together. Who knows?

Goodness me. I agree. I don't think it is. No, I don't. But a good try. There's a couple of people having an idiotic eureka moment as we speak with the more enlivened as BT. Oh, okay. Lisa, I'm not ashamed. I'm just pleased it's come to light

well it is it's better than don't put your ponds under a bushel especially not Gary bushel and then we've got I think we may have had this before Paul Wood he says do you know Paul Wood

thanks for the tip a friend of mine was putting HP sauce on their sausage sandwich when I asked him why it was called HP sauce he had no clue I said what is the name of the building shown on the bottle label they looked blank and after a long pause said Big Ben I don't get it I like that friend

you can't call it BB sauce ok what else? what's that noise? I like that, friend. You can't call it BB sauce, can you? OK, what else? What's that noise? I think it's just some drilling. It might be a drone. OK, drone in the window. Now, I'll tell you who's been busy this week, Frank.

Trumple Stiltskin. Oh, yes. It's almost like the heat's been off him and on someone else. Anyway, he claimed this week that he... The noise is getting louder. They're here, Frank. He claimed... I've been waiting my whole life.

I'd be one of those people on top of the building in Independence Day, holding up the sign saying, Welcome to Earth, before they zap me into a melting You'd be one of the Innocenti I think you'd embrace the aliens wouldn't you? I hope so I think you'd get on with them

I'd be glad to embrace anything at my age Anyway he claimed this week that he invented the word fake he said it's one of the greatest words of all time that I've come up with, is fake. Does he mean fake news, the phrase?

No, he actually said the word fake. OK. He said, I guess perhaps other people have used it over the years, and then he said, my favourite, I've never noticed. Well, this is a bit like my dad claiming that the tune to winter wonderland was stolen from him yeah really yeah he said he wrote a song when he was a kid not write it but he made up a song called you can be more happy if you try you can be more happy if you try he said i was always walking around singing it and obviously someone heard that and stole it for Winter Wonderland.

Yeah. It's fairly unlikely. He grew up in a pit village in the northeast. You don't hear any music moguls walking past. No, you don't. You don't get Hollywood guys going past on a small stand-up piano on wheels. Anyway, so I like that. So he invented fake.

Okay. Are there three less credible words in the English language at the moment than Donald Trump claimed? I think it's just got no power, has it? So when he says, I've never noticed that I've never used anyone using the word fake before, I find that very hard to believe. I think. If you know what I mean.

Yeah, I think he has taken sorry, that sound is a bit off-putting, what I mean? Yeah. I think he has taken... Sorry, that sound is a bit off-putting, but I'm a professional, I shall carry on, because nothing can stand in the way of comedy. I think that he has certainly pioneered the phrase fake news. I think it was around, but he has picked it up

and he has run with it. Yes. A bit like the way Bruce Forsythe didn't invent either nice to see or you. But I think it's the skill of rearrangement that made it into something really special. And it's in a way that

come on dollies do your dealing which is his catchphrase on the price is

right play your cards right Bruce you can't if I said to Sarah and Daisy

come on dollies do your producing there'd be an atmosphere if not a legal follow up yeah exactly some sort days in here, come on dollies, do your producing. There'd be an atmosphere. If not a legal follow-up,

I should say. Yeah, exactly. Some sort of retribution. Nice to see you, to see you nice. Timeless. Yeah. Absolutely timeless. But no, I think he's wrong about inventing fake. But, I mean, I must have meant fake news.

He said fake. Okay. By the way, I looked up an article about Donald Trump this week and I had that thing that comes up, 404. Oh, yeah. Oh, the error. What's that? I don't know what that is. Why is it 404?

That's a good question. And also, what I like about it is the formality. An error has occurred. Yeah. In the past tense, it's happening now on my screen. An error is happening. I'm fine with them telling me that, but don't say 404, an error has occurred,

as if I know automatically. Yeah. Maybe they keep their errors in room 404. Maybe it's some... We're going to get the techies in there. It's a satellite TV show in which celebrities put things that have gone wrong while they've been looking up websites into a room, a mysterious room. If any techies do get in touch with us to explain Error 404,

could you also get in touch and explain the other 403 as well? Yeah, well, exactly. Let's work our way right through them. Yeah. I'm glad you've seen it as well. Yeah, well, exactly. How many eras? Let's work our way right through them. Yeah. But I'm glad you've seen it as well. We're ready. I thought I'd invented error 404. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

Before we return to the Donald, may I just intervene with some website update news? 404... I didn't want to Google error 404. I think the whole thing could explode. You're right, you're right. Don't go down that wormhole, as they say on American podcasts. 404 is the status code returned as part of the HTTP,

the protocol used to communicate with web servers. Wow, God. That little thing you put in at the beginning before the website, everyone. And it means resource not found. There are a number of status codes defined by HTTP, starting at 100, but most of them are handled automatically

and not shown to the user. Oh, it's getting a little bit hot. I don't want to know. You know, it's bit hot, this. I don't want to know. You know, it's like Derren Brown. I don't want to know how it's done. But why start at 100, anyway? Well, if you could let us know why start at 100. No, no, don't do it.

Oh, go on. It's already too technical. So there is no 403? Don't believe so. There's no 1 through 403. It's like the Mambos. Which I think David Baddiel once pointed out. What happened to

numbers 1 through 4? Did he say 1 through 4? He did. Well, I might have. Did he say across the pond? And the big apple? He didn't say the states. Good. I don't say the States. Good.

I don't like the States. So, um... Trample stilt skin. Yes. That's what we were talking about. I like the idea of inventing. I suppose people do invent words, don't they? I never heard ginormous until Terry Wogan said it.

Oh. Do you think that could have been his word? Oh, wow. Null DG. Great. Yeah. said it. Do you think that could have been his word? Oh, wow. You're DG. Great. Yeah. Happy days. I like to think I popularised

Congratual Eldon. I mean, only on this show, admittedly. I wasn't the first person to say it, but I seized upon it and turned it into a word, much like Trump or Stiltskin. Yeah, I mean, I don't think it and turned it into a word, much like Trump all stilt skin. Yeah, I mean, I don't think... It was said as a mistake by David Walliams, I believe it was.

He meant to say congratulations and well done, and then it was seized upon by Jonathan Ross, and then I thought, no, actually I'm going to make that a thing now. It's a word. I seem to have picked up and run with who knew about things. You do, yeah. You are run with who knew about things.

You are good at who knew. That's a weird one. And, of course... Correzione! Correzione! See, I don't know if Correzione is actually Italian. I don't know either. It sounds a bit like, you know...

But all good fun, that's what I say. I don't think I came up with it. I think other people might have used it before me, but I'm not sure. But I've definitely popularised WhatsApp. Yeah. I don't think anybody... It does ring a bell.

I'm not sure anybody used it before me, really. And then, of course, the late review. Yeah. But still, I had a very good um use of a of a phrase now maybe this is commonly used now but ivana trump's written a book about yes raising trump and about and has been talking about him and a publicist for donald trump said it was just self-serving noise. And I like that. I like someone's speech being just dismissed as noise like that. That's good, isn't it? Yeah.

I mean, it's inhumane. Oh, that's fine. Oh, yeah. Don't mind a bit of that. What she needs is the pierced ear and the lead. Saw some of that every time. Very cool. I interviewed her once, you know.

Did you? Did you? Ivana, how did you find her? Well, we went to the Café de Paris after. Lovely. And I thought she was going to be a crazy, not just me. What, there was an after party?

A group of us. Yeah. And I thought, you know, she was, I thought she'd be a party girl, having, you know, had her life. But in fact, everyone was up, you know, she was... I thought she'd be a party girl, having, you know, had her life. But in fact, everyone was up, you know, boogying, and she just sat there quite miserable. So I said, I wanna dance with somebody.

Wanna feel the heat, somebody. Was that just an elaborate set-up? It was a totally elaborate set-up. Totally elaborate. I did interview her. I'll tell you the truth of it after this. I didn't say, I've had a dance with somebody. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a missive in. Hi, Frank. According to an interesting BBC article, 404 has become geek slang for a clueless person. A clueless person. Clueless person.

That's... I like that. I like that. Someone's a bit page not available. Someone's a bit 404. And also, Oyster card error codes, e.g. 35, where insufficient funds are on the card, that now means penniless. That's Clive in Letchworth.

Do you think the Queen says, can someone get me a cup of tea? And they say, sorry, but we're 404. Page not available. Well, that's like in Nigeria, where the... I enjoyed that. The dash system, which is the bribery system... Oh, is that what it's called?

...was ruled out. So with a code, it's something like 416. So it's now called 416. So that's what they call a bribe? Yeah, that's what they call a bribe. I think that's the numbers. You'll need a 416. I have to check with my family.

Well, why do we even use letters at all? Let's just use numbers. We're already doing it with people that text in. Yeah, so I interviewed Ivana Trump. I mean, really, I interviewed her. We didn't go dancing. No, we didn't go dancing. She was all right.

I tell you what, the thing that sticks in my mind more than anything, this was in the 90s, she may well have changed. We all have. She needed a bit of border control on the lipstick. Oh, I'm glad you said lipstick there. Yeah. You know, I just panicked. You know what I mean, Frank.

It went a bit... You know when people... I mean, we've all given our lips, you know. I believe it's called bleeding. Is it? And some people have very narrow given our lips, you know. I believe it's called bleeding. Is it? And some people have very narrow lips, like, you know, the Sturgeon, the Scottish Sturgeon lady.

Yeah. Kenneth Branagh. And some people have, you know, The ample, the ample lip. No lips, Morton Harker. It was an example of an ample lip. Every glamour model in Britain... Yeah, they have a big lip.

But, I mean, obviously, I mean, you're Jagger. You're Jaggers, you're obvious. Yes. Example. But she, I think... I wouldn't say she had a narrow lip. She wasn't satisfied. She was having a lip-sync battle.

So was she going over the line? So the lipstick kept going, yeah. She'd gone over a metre sync battle. So was she going over the line? So the lipstick kept going, yeah. She'd gone over a metre as the football managers say.

And I found myself staring at that a lot. But she was an international skier at one point so I wondered if it might be

Balm. Was she really? She was. She was one of the big heroes of telemark, yeah. She was, yeah. And it's been down in all the whys very good

oh sorry everyone no I like that but yeah so it could be she might keep balm and carry on is there anything worse than a spoof of keep calm and carry on the actual thing of keep calm and carry on no I've got something

keep calm and drink Prose. The actual thing of keep calm and carry on. No, I've got something. Keep calm and drink Prosecco. Oh, come on. I know. If someone buy me that tea towel, forget it. Do you think Donald Trump's would be keep calm and carry on? And, of course, the British hoarding society is just keep. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8.

Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. Frank, Warren Collins from Kent has been in touch. Oh, was I? Yeah. Frank, don't you just hate it when people speak to you in the third person and greet you, how's Frank? Oh, yeah, that's a good one.

Yeah, do you not like that? Or whether you say to someone, I'm going to Edinburgh next week or something, they talk and after they say, anyway, say hello to Edinburgh for me. Oh. How am I going to do that? Town hall? Town hall, do you?

Any personalising of the town or location I don't like People do it on Twitter I'm afraid comics do it a lot on Twitter Do they? Yeah What like

Oh they'll say Leaving you now Edinburgh it's been real you've been amazing something like that No it's a town you've been in Come on now

I think we'll find it's a city It is a city A city I'm sorry He knows all the cathedrals He knows all the cathedrals That He knows all the cathedrals. That's true, that is. I should have left that because 50 pence a text.

We could have got that in. No, I'm trying to save on behalf of our people. Now, listen, this book's called Raising Trump. Yes. That she's wrote in, as I believe James Harris calls it. She wouldn't have called that if she was English, would she? She wouldn't have called it that. No.

No. So it's called Raising Trump, and there's quite a few revelations in it that I enjoyed. I mean, I haven't read the whole thing, mind. I don't think we need to, but there's some great moments. Some great extractions. Fantastic. Including the fact that they're real sticklers for time and punctuality, the Trumps.

Respect. So much so that one of the children, I believe it was Donald Jr., Alan, was left on the tarmac. Love it. Because he was late for the flight. Absolutely love this story. Do you approve? I mean, spare the rod and spoil the child I've said it for years

It could have been either Huey, Dewey or Louis Finally disciplining a child gets some media coverage Finally I can't hate the man for being on time Donald Trump Occasionally you hear a thing about him And you think oh that's a good one. Or leaving the child on the tarmac.

No, but the bit that gets me is he can't have been left on the tarmac. Like, would he have been at the plane and them going, move, the wing's going to clip you. We're turning the plane now. Step back a bit. You know the bloke with the table tennis bats who tells them when to move off.

Move back a bit, son. I'm going to wave me table tennis bats. They're going to scorch your hair in a second. In a little mini suit on his own. What I like, I like the idea of Donald Trump looking out the window and seeing Donald Jr disappearing into distance standing on those steps.

You know the sort of steps that apply being wheeled away. All because he was five minutes late, apparently. Not five minutes late, not on time, because Donald,

Trumple Stiltskin, says on time is five minutes early. That's what Ivana Dance with Somebody says. She says the Trumps see early, they see on time

as five minutes early. Yeah, but I want to know how come this child is arriving on its own. Like Richie Rich in the back of the limo. Yeah, you carry on, Dad, I'll catch you up later. How old are you again? Seven. OK. Guess that's fine.

Yes, I didn't understand that at all. Yeah, we need some closure What happened to the child? Did he then just live in the airport for a year or something until they came back? Well, it's not like it's affected him adversely as we can all see Lovely family

Yeah, Phantom of the Airport He'd be like living underneath the airport Tom Hanksville With some fabulous idea for an aeroplane that someone had stolen She says she talks to Donald. I don't think I'm allowed to do the accent, am I? Which is a shame because it's much funnier.

But she talks to him once every 14 days. She has direct number to White House. She's the mother of some of his children, fair enough. I think they would still be in contact. Yes, I know, Frank, but she took it too far. She said, I don't want to cause jealousy because I'm basically first Trump wife. I think they would still be in contact. Yes, I know, Frank, but she took it too far. She said,

I don't want to cause jealousy because I'm basically first Trump wife. I'm first lady. Okay? Yeah. I think that's quite a good gag.

I wish she'd had that kind of material when she was on my chat show. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter,

at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. The producer's very tickled by your striptease. How tickled I am. Well, not for the first time. Remark, I should say. How very tickled. Can't do that, no.

Does he still use the tickling stick? I don't know. No. What was it, a feather duster? It was. That's not a tickling stick. Well, it's on a hardware store, 99p. I don't think you could use it now, though.

Well, it's a bit like, it's gone the way of Emu, in terms of the appropriateness. No, exactly. True. Oh, God, comedy's a bit like, it's gone the way of emu in terms of the appropriateness No, exactly, true Oh God, comedy's a hard time It is Oh, because you can't use a tickling stick or emu It's gone mad, Emily

It's everything, I tell you, it's like trying to be funny through a pork collis So anyway we were talking about Donald Trump, the President of the United States. Mr President. A man who leaves his son on the tarmac

for five minutes of lateness. I bet he was never late again. That's a good point. That's what you've got to remember. And certainly not for his weekly therapy sessions. He had to have as a direct result of being abandoned on the doormat. You don't want to be having to open up a private jet to let the

stragglers in. Your child. What about when I was flying back from where did we go? Italy. Yeah, Italy for an England game. Was it on a PJ? It was a private jet. Well, I didn't pay for it. Lovely. And there was some other comedians

and they were a bit late getting back so been trouble at the game they've been kept in the ground and we uh sat there while the crew said we've got to take off now we can't wait you know he was with me but um a lot of other comics, they were still at the ground. So I said, well, we've got to wait for them. And I didn't really. But anyway, I did officially, if anyone's writing this down. Yeah. And the point is, so we've got to take off, because we won't get another slot.

So they actually took off, they took their luggage off the plane and left that on the tarmac. Oh, wow. Yeah, I mean, it's an absolute outrage. I never believe that Antler won't get another slot. I mean, it's the air. It's a big place. Come on, sort it out. Yeah, but you have to land eventually. Excuse the excuse. You can't just come down in a field,

private jet or no private jet. I've had a few private jets in my time, but what do you expect at my age? Now, my favourite Trump news of the week was that apparently he said to someone that he hates everyone in the White House. Yeah, he did say that. That's great, isn't it? It is.

And then he went on to clarify. He said, there are a few exceptions, but generally I hate them. And I have to say that I think it's safe to say that he was at that point outside of the White House. I think if he'd been in the White House, he would have said, I hate almost everybody in the White House, if you know what I mean. Like, still like this guy.

Yeah. He loves himself. The thing about Trump or Stiltskin, he seems to be forgetting he hired these people. I mean, these were his choices. He could have just gone with the other guys.

Well, you say that, but I think there's something about his television career that might suggest he's better at firing than hiring. This is true, yeah. He's a good firer.

He is a good firer. He's raced through the staff already in his short time in office, hasn't he, if you think about it? Well, he's not the first. I'm sorry, that's what you mean, yeah.

I am... I was... I'll tell you something. I don't really have hate in my quiver. You mean you don't hate anyone? I can't, honestly... I was asked by a journalist once who, actually, looking back, was probably the closest I got to hating anybody.

I know who that is. Yeah. Obviously, I don't want to say it on air, but it was Simon Sebag Montefiore, the never-TV presenter. But he was... Was he rude to you? Was he the one with the Jerusalem thing?

Yes, I can't watch it. He was a bit sneery, I see. He was very sneery about Birmingham in particular me as well but anyway aside from that he asked me who I hated and I said I just couldn't

think of anybody and I just don't think I was telling someone about this because I was talking to a couple of guys I know and one of them said oh I love Thomas Newman. Do you know Thomas Newman? No.

No. He's a film composer. Oh, okay. Film music. And I said, you don't love him? He said, no, I do. I love Thomas. I said, no, you don't.

I said, don't make your love bag too big yeah which is a line I've used before wow I was going to say but I was

classic Skinner I was tight in a dog collar at the time I said don't make your love bag too big you're only one of

few things in your love bag that sounds like a country and western song I love it don't make your love bag too big. You're only one of few things in your love bag. That sounds like a country and western song. I love it. Don't make your love bag too big. Or a bit more with banjos. Don't make your love bag too big.

You know you'll regret it and you won't forget it. So don't make your love bag too big. Or you'll end up having to sleep with a pig um so i think it's true though you shouldn't have too many things in your love bag or you devalue the things that you truly love yes so gives it leave some room in that love bag so i sent it and he said well you know i've he said okay so i suppose now that you've made me think, he's actually in my really light bag. I said, that's better.

That's more sensible. How big's your indifferent bag? Well, I'll tell you what, I asked him. Mine's bulging. I asked him which bag I was in in his life, and he said, this is what he said, I think you've got one foot in the really light bag and one foot in the dislike bag.

And the other guy said, oh, well, I'd say you've got one foot in my love bag. I said, really? Sorry about that. Did I tell you we were human pyramiding on a motorcycle display? No, he said, you've got one foot in my love bag. But again, you've also got one in my dislike. Well, you're fully in my love bag. My whole radio family's in my love bag.

That's nice. But thank you. What else is in my love bag. Oh, that's nice. That's nice, but thank you. What else is in your love bag? What other thing from your love bag? Oh, let me think. I'd say Alan Bennett's in my love bag. Oh, what about... Good shout.

Al, one thing in your love bag. That is a bit Charlie Brooker then. There's nothing. We're going to come back for this. What's in the cockroach's love bag? 8.12.15. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So I've been thinking about what I loved during that song. Oh, What's in your love bag? It's a nice song. What's in your love bag? I mean, the problem with a question like what's in your love bag i mean the problem with a question like what's in your love bag is that it feels really easy to go to cliche and go oh you know

i love my family and like you're writing a cv or something i'm taking that i said it's like putting reading on your cv well that's like a collective works of shakespeare and desert island discs it's a given we'll take that as a given. So, you know, if my family are listening... Oh, no, sorry, that was a... Not a gibbon. If my family are listening... It was funky, though. Let it be known that I love them, but the true answer is butter.

Really? It's nice, isn't it? Lovely. My first thought was malt loaf with butter, but then I realised, actually, it's the butter. That's the bit that's really nice. Hey, that's a good laugh. I like that.

That's a good laugh. Hey, what's in Frank's love bag? I'm just thinking we could have discovered what was in Al's love bag by holding a butter cup on the reason. We got butter, we got Alan Bennett. I wonder if the Nazis, when they were questioning people,

they wouldn't tell them that they liked butter. They always had that up their sleeve. I don't know if that was one of their questions, was it? I've never seen their question sheet. Like, like, and see butter. I think they had other fish to fry. Well, if they asked me that, I'd be edgy.

Would you? As to what was coming next. Like, and see butter. Yeah. Hold on, hold on. Where's this going, guys? This is the button. What's in my love bag? Well, you know, Doctor Who.

Oh, I would say who, yeah. Wild West, The Wild West. Oh, yeah. Comic books. Yeah. Yeah. Recently, Anglo-Saxon history has been tugging at the strings of my love bag. Oh, well, I've got the Tudors in mine, obviously, poking out.

But, you know, I just think it's... I don't mind being in people's dislike bag as well. I think that's just life. Really? It's life, isn't it? Yeah. Life. Life!

Come on! Ooh, life! She gets a lovely outing on this show, Desiree. Ooh, life. She gets a lovely outing on this show, Desiree. Ooh, life. Ooh, life. We had a missive in via the Twitter forum from someone called Dense Insensibility. He has a thought here called hashtag my invention.

You can contact any driver by email. This is his invention. Yeah. Their reg number is their address. You tell them what you think. Their choice to open mail. Oh, so it's like an email address. He said it's a thought for an invention.

I thought of it as a chap clumsily cut me off in traffic. So a bit like a how am I driving, but for everyone. We're all allowed to say... Exactly, for civilians. You're driving either really well or really badly. Yeah. What do you think? Or if you take a shine to someone at the lights.

But that's the trouble with it, isn't it? I think it might be misused. You just reject. No, you have to decide whether to accept them and then you could get into a nice conversation. Your choice to open the email is what he says. I'd quite like to send an email that just said,

well, where do you keep your tools overnight? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We're talking about our love bags. Yeah. You are. Basically, your theory is there's only so much love to go around. I think it's great that people have...

I don't have a hate bag. Do you not? I honestly don't. Do you know, I don't think I do these days, Frank. I did when I was younger and foolish. Paul from Belfast has been in touch

about his love bag and he says, in my love bag, Larson cartoons, roast lamb. Brilliant. Love that. Now that, you see,

that makes them really special. And I bet there's somebody else in the readership that's thinking, oh, I like Dilbert cartoons and Mint Sauce. You know, they're similar but not the same.

But maybe Love Bags would be a great title for a dating agency. Where people, you might not take everything in someone's love bag, but if you have like... Certainly not the first date. Several, no. Exactly. You might not have your sharpie. one's love bag but um if you have like you had certainly not the first date several now exactly you might not have your sharpie anyway i think that'd be a good way of finding out whether you are compatible with nick compare love bags yeah it's a great idea yeah i like chunky knitwear you like chunky knitwear yeah like Chunky Knitwear? Yeah, I like their second album.

What else? Well, I tell you, we haven't talked about my favourite story this week, which is the Macho Marsupial. Oh. I know exactly who you're talking about.

The big kangaroo? The big roo. The big boomer. Wow. He was a... I mean, if you haven't seen the big kangaroo... Get on to it now. A bloke just saw one having a...

Was it, like, having a... He was having a bath. He was in a creek. Big. I mean, the shoulders on the kangaroo. Bof. Really. Calm down, loves.

Really. Obviously, the slightly unnerving small arms. He was hench. Yes, the arms are small, aren't they? He'd skipped arm day. Do you think that's what the other kangaroos say? He will not do a press-up. He was flexing his muscles like the world's strongest man.

So there's a photo of this on him. The traps, you know, like the... Is that what they're called? The muscles that go from the neck to the shoulder. Oh, yeah. They're called traps, I think, like the... Is that what they're called? The muscles that go from the neck to the shoulder. Oh, yeah. They're called traps, I think. Oh, OK. I always think of those as the dandruff slides.

Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting, though, because, as you know, in our new status as Nostradamu FM... Yes. ..where someone sent you the week and said you always seem to be predicting things. Only last week I was talking about if you remember, Billy Wallaby. Oh, yeah.

Which is what I accidentally called Holly Willoughby. And this week, the world's gone marsupial crazy. That can't be a coincidence. No, I don't think so. But it's what a creature. Yes. Could he have possibly been working out?

Well, I don't I mean they're muscly characters the Roos aren't they I've never seen one like that before

what about when they do those boxing matches nobody's taking him on well I don't know

Floyd Mayweather well it's a real possibility that's the next Floyd Mayweather fight enough money

on Floyd will be there it'd be slightly more serious than the last fight. Can you imagine them psyching each other out during the weigh-in? Exactly. Do they still box kangaroos? I don't think they do. They do.

And you know what that roo's got on his pouch? Next gen. Oh, yeah. Next gen roo. Next gen pouch. That roo didn't have a belly pouch on him. Next gen pouch. That Roo didn't have a belly pouch on him. His love pouch. No, do kangaroos still box professionally at 12.15? It's probably been stamped out by the...

I don't think professionally, but they've got it in them to box. That's how they fight. It used to be a big thing. You could pay to go to watch kangaroo boxing. No, you're all right, thanks. But, you know. Are you trying to light up the switchboard today? No, I'm not.

Not at all. I just want to know if it still goes on. And if so, how can I get there? Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So this roo was discovered by Jackson Vincent, who's a gardener, apparently. Well, I thought he was a solicitor.

He was taking his dog for a walk, and the reason that the roo was flexing its muscles in that very macho Simon Cowell-esque manner was apparently they can get quite threatened by dogs. They're a gentle creature. The roo? Yeah. That one doesn't look gentle.

That one doesn't look gentle. Oh, no, they are. They're very few fatalities from the roos. This is the joy of the animal kingdom, isn't it? That a big creature can be scared of a small creature. Like a roo, that size, 6'5", and weighing 100 kilos plus, and hench sorry I got distracted

that roo can be scared of a dog how thick is it that it's scared of a dog? ridiculous it's like elephants being scared of a mouse stupid is there such a thing as kangaroids? oh they might be on the roids. Which is sort of steroid-specific for marsupials.

It might have some roid rage. And get those mussels. They only eat cod, really. I don't know. Apparently, there's one... No, cod-specific. Do they go to Mr. Cod, the popular fast food shop for kangaroos.

Yeah, how do you know? Cod, do you like? The cod fart. The cod father. I know a lot about kangaroos because I was raised in Australia. Oh. Thank you. I've been to Kangaroo Island.

Right. Have you ever been there? I haven't, actually. Kangaroo Island is an island where lots of kangaroos live. Did you go to a car you like? And there's a section of it which is like the kangaroo graveyard. And weirdly, when the kangaroos know that their time, you know, is they're slipping away, they move to that part of the island.

Oh, do they? Oh, in anticipation. Like a real retirement home for kangaroos. Well, they're not very short, short period retirement homes. We're still halfway out. Really? Scary. How did they know? They're just clever creatures. It made me think of when I moved into

radio. No, but it is a very spooky, very spooky thing. The other thing I love about the roo is they don't produce any, I'll put this delicately, methane. They don't? No.

I'll bet this guy does. I mean, they're the dream date. Muscles like that. This guy. No methane. Really? I never knew that about the roo. Yes, it's true.

He must be. He must be. We don't know the side effects of kangaroids. Exactly. Does he get kangaroid rage know the side effects of kangaroids. Exactly. Does he get kangaroid rage? If he's on the protein shakes. Kangaroids sound like very bouncy emeroids. If there is such a thing.

I couldn't sit down. I'd slop down on my chair. I'd bounce 20 feet across the auditorium. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I know we're talking about the roidy-roo, but Frank...

Might not be roids. Might not be roids. It might just be protein shakes and some sensible compound exercises. And a bit of turbo-cud. And a bit of TurboCud. 284 has been in touch to say, Frank, you'll relate to this. My hate bag consists purely of the number 11 bus in Birmingham. Oh, I think that goes to Quinton.

How does it? Yeah. I think it goes down the ugly road to Quinton. Yeah? Yeah. Sounds like Philip Larkin. It's a night bus so the night bus can be

a dark theatre of humanity. I think he used to get my night bus, Kevin Rowlands. He's been night runners. There you go. He's worked with them all. Australia used to be it's a place I think of as being

very big in the 80s. Yes. I think you're right about that. It's massive. Remember, it was neighbors, Paul Hogan. It has got that David Vanday about it. Yeah. I saw a show, there's a show called Countries, Where Are They Now?

Oh, yeah. And it was on there. Still going, apparently. Still going. Still working. Yeah. But not like the glory days in the 80s. No.

I read there was a quote from an academic who they asked him about... He said that they're good swimmers, kangaroos. Are they? I thought you were going to say Australians. I thought, oh, late review. They're good. And it said good swimmers.

And I actually wrote this down. It says they have been seen running into the ocean running? makes them even more glamorous and sexy but do they do running? yeah they've got big feet haven't they? well they bounce don't they?

that's jumping though they must get onto their very tippy toes of their big feet it must look like Oscar Pistorius. Yeah, yeah. With those blades on. A bit more famous for something else now. I know he's more famous for something else now,

but we can skip over that, can't we? No, but you're quite right. That's it, you'd have to run like you're on blades. I think they're on blades. This creature, you know what I can believe in of this creature? I've never seen an animal whose chest I wanted to stroke

as much as this kangaroo. Look, it's like a big, like a lovely seat cover. I think he might be a kangaroo model or a personal trainer. Do you know, Al,

he's the David Gandy of the roo community. I think of him more as Lou Ferrino. Did he have, Frank? Did he have the jeans short with the button intact? No, because his waist was under the water. He was being modest, wasn't he? But, you know, I was in Australia once

and we went driving for a few days, just driving around. It's the only time in my life I have had to actually say mind that bandicoot. That's mind the bandicoot. Who would have thought

I would ever say that when I was growing up in a council house in Smedley. Don't even know what a bandicoot is. It's a creature. Oh, is it?

Australian creature. There's all sorts over there. Our place is rife with possums. They've got the lot. I know them. They've got the lot. Are we, is it the end? I want to talk about whether the news,

we had to text. Oh, we did. I'll just repeat. We had 092. My idiotic Eureka moment happened just three weeks ago when I found out the word news is an abbreviation for new events, weather and sport. I don't believe that.

Now, here's your homework. I want to email us this week about whether there's any truth in that and we'll discuss it next week. Because if that is true, I never, ever, ever knew that. That's a shocker. Shocker for me. You're really here first.

Well, probably second if you know that bloke. Or woman. for me. You're really here first. Or probably second, if you know that bloke. Or woman! So, thank you so much for listening this morning. Sarah Champion is up next. Come on! Tim Key would have been on next week if I hadn't have offended him.

But thank you again and bring on the feathers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.