The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Luggage Carousel

Episode Date: September 12, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is back with Alun and Emily. He tells them about a recent gig that he had to pay for *gasp*. He also offended a former X-Factor contestant. The team chat about 2 star review-gate and the giant Lenin Head.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I'm going to roll out the barrel cos the gang's all here. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

We're very excited to have you back, Frank. Morning, Jim. I miss you when you're not around. Oh, thank you. I feel like I've been away for ten years. I feel like Martin Guerre. Do you remember Martin Guerre? I do.

Who's he? It was a film with Gérard Depardieu, in which he disappeared for years and then turned back up at this village, and they weren't sure if it was him or not. Oh, right, yeah. And now that's you here. Yeah. Did your past still work? Definitely me. It could be Anthony Cotton. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, what do you know? My driver was talking about you this morning, Frank. Oh, yeah? Yeah, what do you know? My driver was talking about you this morning, Frank. Oh, yes? It wasn't one I'd had before, and he said, oh, what's the show then? I'm tense. I'm a little bit tense. I said, Frank Skinner, and he went, they think it's all over.

There you go. That's, in recent weeks, top gear. They think it's all over. It's interesting. I obviously have a sense that they've seen me somewhere. They think you're vaguely sportive. Yeah, that's what it must be. I am...

Speaking of people from the television, I was in the city centre of London next to the Palace Theatre. Oh, yeah. OK. And which is currently at the home of The Commitments. Yes. Which I know a lot of people like.

Am I one of those open-top buses to take you through London if you're tall? No, no. That's what it feels like. You're just setting the scene, you know. OK, darling. I've got a distinct vibe that Frank did not like The Commitments as much as other people. I mean, look the scene. Okay, darling. I've got a distinct vibe that Frank did not like the commitments as much as other people. I've learned to accept as I've got older that we don't all like the same things.

And I don't condemn anyone for their likes. I'm a bit of a commitments phobe. Right. I just don't like, you know, once I hear the phrase Mustang salad, I reach for my revolver. But I know people like it, and God bless them. Yeah. Anyway, so I was walking outside there. Who should I bump into but former X Factor star Melanie Masson.

Do you remember her? Oh, yes, I do. She was... Long red curly hair. Yes, she had that sort of rock chick feel to her. You know, sort of like Janis Joplin type

thing. And one of those really powerful, she wore denim flares. Yeah. Right. Married to the comedian Forbes Mason, I believe. Is that correct? Correct, yes. Okay. So, yes. Okay. So, yes, she looks like, I imagine, if there's any female listeners to Absolute,

that's what they look like. It's a bit Carol Decker. Denim flares, cascading hair. Hair like a waterfall. Like a waterfall. Or a force, as I believe they call them in the Lake District. That's where you get the phrase hair force. Is it a bit?

No. Maybe double denim and a big belt buckle. But she looked, I'd say it was one of those people who looks like she's found her look and it's right. You know what I mean? And she had an amazing voice. And I tell you what, I'd met her before. She was involved early on with David Baddiel's musical. I say she's got an amazing voice.

Yes, the infidel. So, as you can imagine, seeing her there, with her look and her, you know, raunchy rock voice and all that, outside of commitments, and she's just coming out the door, and I said, oh, well, hello, you know, and she said, yeah, I was just seeing the show. And I said, oh, I, uh, hello, you know, and she said, yeah, I was just, um, seeing the show.

And I said, oh, I thought you were in it. She said, what do you mean? I said, well, this is exactly what I'd expect you to be in. She said, what do you mean? I said, well, you know, it's, it's very, this is you, isn't it? This is you? How rude. No, oh, come on. It's, uh, you know, it is that you how rude oh come on it's a you know it is that raunchy when R&B was you know

old R&B so you know and it's all about those big rock boys so I said this is you isn't it she said honestly she looked at me

I couldn't believe because I thought well surely you would be perfect for this she said to me are you saying I look like a pig what I said what what and I you saying I look like a pig? What? I said, what? What?

And I don't mean it as a joke. She really did look upset. Anyway, it turns out that the commitment is on in the evening, but the matinee is for three little pigs. Oh, no. And she'd just been in to see that. Oh, it was the most awful. She was obviously, she honestly thought I could tell that I was just being vile, you know. I think it's worse that you thought she was in The Commitments. Oh, no.

Commitments, I say, is much loved and popular, written by one of Ireland's great novelists. It's just not my cup of tea, that's all. OK. I think Pob Rock in front of 3,000 people wouldn't make any sense. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you, I was in, again, in central London, and a man was walking towards me, and he was, I'd guess he was from the Middle East.

He'd got a massive moustache, and he's probably about 50-ish, and he says, Frank Skinner. And I said, ah yes. And he went you're a very lucky man. Very, very lucky man. You're a lucky man. I said um

and he said you're very lucky. I mean he must have said it ten times. Part of me was thinking, oh hold on a minute. I have worked my lungs off. For you people. It's not a well-known phrase, is it? I've worked my lungs off. No, maybe not.

But anyway, I bought into the luckiness. Your luckiness. Yeah. In the end, I agreed I was a very lucky man. Did he elaborate on why you were lucky? I think he just thought I was a chancer. I don't know. I've had it said to me. It was? I think he just thought I was a chancer. I don't know. I think it's all over.

I've had it said to me. It was said to me in Egypt. I was walking down the road with a woman, and a bloke said to me, you're a very lucky man. And I thought, again, hold on. What about the concept of merit? Anyway, so it was, it sort of, I wouldn't say it upset me, but it unsettled me.

And I was on my own on the way to the London Palladium to see Jerry Lee Lewis. Oh. He goes to a lot of the shows, doesn't he? All his anecdotes seem to involve a London theatre. Yes, bear in mind I was just walking past the commitments. I didn't actually, I didn't go in. But this one, I'd actually, I tell you what, God damn it, I'd pay for a ticket. You didn't actually go in. But this one, I'd actually... I'll tell you what. God damn it, I'd pay for a ticket.

You didn't. I did. How much did that set you back? Shall I tell you how much it cost me? Go on, then. £125. Ooh, that's a lot of notes. You're a lucky man. And I'll also be honest...

You're a very lucky man. No, I'm not a very lucky man. I'll tell you why I'm not a lucky man. Because I got my publicist to call up and say, oh, Frank Skinner would like to come and see Jerry Lee Lewis. Is there any chance he could get a complimentary ticket? And they said no. Wow.

That is so awful that you made that call and then you were turned down. Well, I didn't make it. Well, yeah, but you may as well have. If I'd have made it, I would have just died on the spot. Well, someone made it using your name. Anyway, to be honest, I love Jerry Lee Lewis and I thought, you know, I'll pay 125 quid. That'll probably get him

home. Now, he must be, what, 80-odd now? He's 80 on the 29th of this month. Oh, super fan. Save the date. Hang on. I'll come up in your Jerry Lee Lewis alerts, Al. Yeah, yeah. I know you've got that app.

So anyway, when I got and I sat in the theatre, sitting next to me was this guy, and he said, hello, I'm the managing director of the Palladium. He was sitting next to me. I thought, well, he hasn't paid. Right. Did you say you were a very lucky man? No, I didn't say that.

But then, next to him was empty seats. And I realised that this is what happened. There was a block of proper celebrities who got their free seats. And then the MD was like the velvet

rope, keeping them at bay. And as a special reward, I got first seat of the of the normal people i was sort of the like the celebrity equivalent of getting a 2-1 yeah yeah not quite a proper thing but you know at least i could i had the same view basically and i could see them from where i was sitting but you know what what? You knew. And they knew. Well, I don't know. They were quite, well, I'll tell you, there was some quite big celebrities in there. But I thought, you know, they could have let, who else asked? Yeah. They could have let me. But anyway, I... Just think how much money they had to spend on popcorn. 125

quid each. Yeah, they just... Oh, did they know? See, I felt like telling them. Well, it depends who was there. Prince Nassim? I felt like telling them what they'd... He likes the popcorn these days. If he'd have got a free seat and I'd have had to pay, I would have been absolutely... He'd have had two. He'd have had more than one.

But anyway, it gets worse. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. You know, we have an appetite for a pun on this show, don't we? And we occasionally receive them from the wider readers. You two do. Well, you were telling your story. You were telling your little story about going to see Jerry Lee Lewis.

My little story, yeah. And paying £125. We've had a text, Ian Angle? No. pounds. We've had a text goodness gracious great stalls for hire. Ian Angle? No. Ian Stuart Dootson. That could be, yeah. And on the plume.

He adds, I do apologise, I'll see myself out. No, that's alright. That's alright. I guess the ball rolling, doesn't it? We're all warming up. Yeah. Yeah. It's those great balls of fire. So, yeah, so I looked across. Oh, so we should say, so you need to see who's in the celebrity area.

You're not quite VIP. All I have to do is lean forward and look to my right, and there they are lined up. And me on the very edge. Do you want us to guess them? Go on. Banki Kokoza. Chico. Maybe. Chico.

Maybe. Chico. No. Bear Grylls. No. Leslie Joseph. Oh, no. Well, I don't know.

It was her or Alice Cooper. Timothy Spall. No. Timothy Dalton no just going to go through all the Timothys now go on then

exactly no I'm going to tell you first one I'll tell you yeah Ringo Starr no way can you check his shoes you know he's on a shoe advert

you've got to check his shoes he's on a shoe advert yeah he's on a shoe advert that's a got to check his shoes. He's on a shoe advert? Yeah, he's on a shoe advert. That's a good celebrity. Yeah. Although I did call across to him. I said, I've got a message for you from a bloke with a big moustache I met outside. Very lucky man.

Did he do the peace and love sign? Very lucky. Very lucky Ringo. Now, hold on a minute. Ringo Starr thinks that he's's invented peace love as a catchphrase does he yeah he does it as he has here comes my catchphrase peace and love peace and love and you think now that i'm sure someone said that before you yeah it's like if i decided that my catchphrase was and

you just can't you just can't i think we need to workshop that one a bit was was and. You just can't. You just can't. I think we need to workshop that one a bit. Was that and dot dot dot? Was it a silent dot dot dot? So go on, who are the other celebrities? Peace and love's there. So, yeah, there's...

I mean, I know Ringo is a beat. Bear in mind, I'm looking across as a man who's paid 125 quid and is on the brink. Do you know what I hate, Al? It's the idea of Frank straining across like a meerkat trying to look at the celebrities. I know and it was on the brink. Do you know what I hate, Al, is the idea of Frank straining across like a meerkat trying to look at the celebrities. I know, it was awful.

But I mean, usually I look at them, you know, in admiration and awe, but now I look at them in absolute bitterness. That these people, every one of them could have afforded 125 quid more than me. And also, I think, I mean, I know he was a Beatle, but

when they did the current form table for football, like the last six matches, I think I'm doing better than Ringo. Yeah. He's doing a shoe advert. Oh, there you go. It's a shoe advert. He's in a shoe advert.

Well, he was a Beatle, though. Come on, Frank. He was. He was. Yeah, but look, if I got into a cab Well, he was a Beatle, though. Come on, Frank. He was. Was. Yeah. Yeah, but look, if I got into a cab and I said, I'm about to do the breakfast show with me and Go Star, they wouldn't say, they think it's all over. No, no. Let's be honest.

He might say very lucky man, though. I'm just saying, how often does his work phone ringer? Ringer. Anyway, he was there, which is, I mean, I agree with you. He's, you know... Anyway. Go on. Who else?

And then Andrew Lloyd Webber. Oh. Yeah, he, again, doesn't need a freebie. No. He could probably... Is this theatre? Is it? I know this sounds unkind,

but it's not the prettiest line-up so far. Let's be honest. But it's his theatre. I mean, it's hardly the... No, but I could be honest. But it's his theatre. I mean, it's hardly the... No, but I could have leaned... As it's his theatre, I could have said, there's still time to give me my 125. Put that.

I'm just saying, you're better looking than both of those characters. Thank you. Robert Plant. Right. I was going, what? No, they're all... I mean, none is their big stars, but would it really have broken their heart?

How many celebrities wanted to go? Four. In the world. Anyway. Robert Plant. Has he still got the big thatch of hair? He's curly. I think he might be naturally curly.

I wouldn't put money on it, but I think so. That would be my guess, and I was wondering about today's it, but I think so. That would be my guess. And I was wondering about today's texting, and I think we found it. It's Robert Plant's naturally curly. Oh, does he perm? Does Plant perm? That's the texting.

Get that up, Sarah. We want our social media. Does Plant perm? The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Anyway, so it's getting to the moment where Jerry Lee Lewis is soon going to come on stage. And I'll be honest, I am genuinely excited. Yeah.

So I'll tell you something that will horrify you. I've seen Jerry Lee about eight times. The first time I saw him, brace yourself, was 1972. Oh. I'm sorry for anyone out there who wasn't born then and is a little bit upset. Me. Never mind out there. Me. I wasn't born.

There you go. Anyway, let's change the subject. OK, let's change the subject. So, he's an eccentric character. Do you know he named his... He's got a son called Steve Allen Lewis, who he named because his first chat show was... His first, like, TV break was a Steve Allen show.

Oh. So he named his son after... LAUGHTER By which logic, I would have to call my son Central Weekend. LAUGHTER I love it. John Snape, so anyway, so bear in mind,

Frank Skinner, star of Absolute Radio's Frank Skinner show, paid 125 quid, couldn't get in the celebrity section. So then the show begins and so a man comes out in a sparkly jacket to

introduce him. Mike Reid. Shut up! Our very own. Mike Reid, who I eat toast with on a Saturday morning. In his shorts. Hang on, you don't eat toast with him. He walks through the room and says,

Morning, while you eat your toast. Don't try and make it sound like we have some big breakfast loving. No, but I talk, I chat to him about stuff. He actually seems a lovely character exactly i've got used to him you know what i mean he's like um i've i forgot i forgot how big he was and there he is he's actually introducing the show does he have a sequin jacket if i don't know and i could have said to him can you can get me a friend yeah can i be your plus one yeah then, god damn it, I couldn't believe, like,

what about, and then he tells an anecdote, Mike, right? Now, hold on, now, Mike,

I used to love, you know, when he did the pop quiz and all that, I know he did more than just being a DJ. I know. Pop quiz was brilliant.

So, you know, I know he's got other strands, but I didn't he said to me no he didn't say to me actually he said to everyone what did he do I'm coming down into the audience

now to talk specifically to this man who didn't get a celebrity seat I was very much in his periphery vision no no so he did he did a good intro and all that stuff. And he said, yeah, I was, he said, he said I was, he said I was on... Oh, come on, tell us, tell us.

I've never heard you so lost for words. He said I was on holiday once with Princess Diana and the two boys. Oh, yeah. And I thought, hold on a minute. I looked across at Andrew Lloyd Webber and Robert Plant and Ringo Starr sitting there. And I thought, what on a minute I looked across at Andrew Lloyd Webber and Robert Plant and Ringo Starr sitting there and I thought, what's happened to the world? and he said

what we used to do in the ski lodge in the evenings is I would get the guitar out I thought, what's going on? is this true? he said, I would get the guitar out he said, one night, Prince William little Prince William said, why don't you play Mummy's Favourite and he said, I would get the guitar out. He said, one night, Prince William, little Prince William,

said, why don't you play Mummy's favourite? And he said, what's that? And she said, Great Balls of Fire. He said, I must tell Jerry Lee that after. And I thought, you went on holiday with Princess Diana and open inverted commas, the boys close inverted commas. Did you know that he was... Oh, he was well-connected. Wow, really? I didn't know he was that well-connected. I didn't know.

I was gobsmacked. To be honest, I would have thought if he had a story like that, that would have come up over toast. Well, I would have mentioned it earlier. I'd tell everyone that. I can't believe we talked to him about that time that he got stuck in the lift and we don't talk about how he used to go on holiday with

the Royal Family. I'm going to use that as an opening gambit next time. Yeah, I talked to him about tennis and stuff which I know nothing about. I don't know, I could have brought up our Queen of Hearts. You've got to have a ramp into that, Frank. You can't just suddenly do that, they pass them on like, by the way, tell us about die.

It doesn't work like that. No, no, but you know, I'd find a way around that. But it was pretty... Legendary subtlety. Like, by the way, tell us about die. It doesn't work like that. No, no. But, you know, I'd find a way around that. But it was pretty... Yes, your legendary subtlety. Yeah. But it was pretty gobsmacking, I must say. I mean, what a story to be able to come out with. There was a gasp from the crowd.

I just wish someone had joined me with it. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on today's texting. Oh, yeah? It's an email entitled, Robert Plants Hair. He was my mum's paperboy in Hayley Green, and yes, his hair is naturally curly.

Yeah, I thought so. So let's put that to bed. Guys, has Frank swallowed a squeaky toy today? What's going on with his voice? I think that was your Jerry Lee Lewis excitement. Say you're going to vote! Was that going to fake your voice? Oh, well, you were.

He just got so excited. Yeah. Pasquale! Pasquale! Pasquale! We've also had a text somewhat chastising you, I think. I think a little bit here. Is it from the S&M community? No, not this time. OK, fortunately.

Oh, now my screen's moved. Hang on. Here we go. Hi, Frank. Requesting free seats! It would be a case of, to him who has, even more shall be given. And then they put a political point about Jeremy Corbyn, and then she says, Tess, a fellow Catholic.

OK. So there you go. Well, I know what you mean. I mean, yes, I could afford 125 quid, but so could Andrew Lloyd Webber, so could Ringo Starker, so could Robert Platt. That's not the point, is it? I mean, if Andrew Lloyd Webber buys it for his own theatre, then...

I mean, that would be crazy. I sort of think I can imagine Jeremy Lewis enforcing. Also, did you say it was exclamation mark, that first bit? Yeah. What was it again? Free ticket. This is good radio. Requesting free ticket, exclamation mark.

Should it be? Yeah. Question mark? Requesting free seats. The way you said it. Well, it should be question mark, exclamation mark. You have a point, Tess, is what I'm saying. And I know it's all wrong.

No one ever gave me anything free when I needed it. Why don't you just make a policy that you buy all the seats? Why don't you shock me? It's coming from you, I will not take that. That's what I do. A man who won't buy a cup of tea in a local cafe. I do, I happily buy tea in local cafes. Resentfully.

Yeah, I love tea. Anyway, after all this, Jerry Lee Lewis. How was Jerry? Oh, he was pretty bad, I must say. Does he still, Frank, does he still get the cowboy boot up on the old piano? No, no, no. Oh, he can't do those moves anymore? I mean, you know, I love Jerry Lee Lewis.

I'll always love jerry lewis but his voice has escaped from its compound and returned to the wild you can talk after that last link well exactly so um you two this morning it was great to see him all right and there was a lot to hear there was a couple of songs where I thought, yes, it's still there. And then there was ones where I thought, 125 quid. So, yeah, it was a mixed, mixed thing. And then at the end, he's just about to do another song, Mike Reid comes on with a birthday cake. No.

Yeah. Oh, really? Jerry Lee Lewis looking around like, what's going on? Absolutely, like, confused. And then he said, I was going to do another song. I'm too late. And Robert Plant and Ringo Starr are pushing a birthday cake across the stage.

Is this a dream, Frank? No, this is absolutely true. I went to see one of my great musical loves, Jerry Lee Lewis, do his last ever gig, you know, I'll ever see him probably and it culminated in catering and then the crowd sang Happy Birthday

that's the last song I ever ordered to Jerry Lee Lewis gig, what's going on? Absolute, Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Jason has emailed us. He says... What, from the Argo?

No, from North Wales, as it goes. Robert Plant's hair is the subject line. Yeah. His hair has always been well maintained. As a keen gardener, I wonder if he has long since discovered the secret of baby bio, guaranteed to maintain the health and appearance of plants. Is that right?

Robert Plant is a keen gardener. No, I think... I think perhaps Jason from North Wales is keen gardener. I thought he was assuming because of his surname. Yeah. I mean, it's a dangerous assumption. Do you know my favourite story about JLL?

Jerry Lee Lewis? Yes. Can you tell it on radio? Oh, yes. It doesn't involve me. I once read an interview with him and it mentioned, and you may be able to confirm this, Frank, he had a row with one of his, is it seven wives he had?

I don't think it's seven, is it? I think it is. Two of them. Are you going to mention the fact that... Are you confusing him with Henry VIII? No, he had seven wives. Henry VIII had six, I remember that. I'm pretty sure he had seven wives. But anyway, one of the

wives he had an argument with that was so bad it ended in him throwing a toy Santa, a Christmas figurine Santa through the windscreen. What a great argument. From inside the car? Yeah, from inside while he was driving. Fantastic, actually.

I saw him play Cheltenham once and he turned up in a Cadillac with enormous bullhorns on the front, big, pointy bullhorns. He couldn't have driven there like that, could he? Of course, Elton's safety then was much laxer. I can't take you seriously, Frank, because you're wearing my faux fur stole around your neck.

Yeah, I'm cold, actually. But I like this. It's like being Chewbacca. Has Chewbacca gone very ill? This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I'm Frank Skinner. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's funny you mention the Twitter there, because I'm not on the old Twitter.

I know that. Respect. Thanks very much. But there's been quite a Twitter backlash to a news story this week. I don't know if you heard about it. I'm liking this link, though, this segue. Yes, I like the segue. What, the Twitter? Twitter angle? Am I the only one on Twitter?

The Twitter angle. I think you are, yeah. You can't be the only one on Twitter. What would be the point of that? Wow. Frank, shut up. I mean out of the triumvirate. Yes.

But I think I'm starting to think you two may be right. Well, really? To not be on there. Well, it's just everyone on there is quite awful, really. Let's be honest. Where are your friends? Go out and live. Oh, good for you. It's true, though, isn't it?

I mean, I wouldn't like to be your inbox when the tweeters hear that, but... No. No, I wouldn't like to be your inbox either anyway my point being anyway the um you know there was a plane

evacuation yes in Las Vegas I'm surprised we heard about it because I thought what happens in Vegas oh is that right they've put it on the news

it's been on is that the original one of what happens in the whole news was it was it Vegas was it you know when people say you know know, What Happens in...

No, it was What Happens in Smedic stays in Smedic. I don't think it... I think the original one was Vegas. Wasn't it the Stockton Doctor Who convention stays at the Doctor... Yeah. Stockton Doctor Who is not that easy to say. I thought the original one was What Happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but... It might be. I would like to know that if any of our readers know.

Because I'm always curious where these things start. Like, you can take the old them out of the mat. You can take the man out of old them, but you can't take them... What was the original thing that you couldn't take out of the mat? You can take the boy out of, or whatever. Yeah. Right. Yes, that thing.

OK. We'll let you know. Well, the BBC, just for a start, they have not appeared. Yeah, you can take the man out of the BBC and just send him on the radio. Not the point I was making. Sorry. Yeah, let's run with it. Okay.

Yeah, but what happens at the BBC? Oh, no, it doesn't. Oh, no, it doesn't. It's broadcast, essentially. It's worldwide. It's a matter of public record. Exactly. Eventually.

You have to wait 20 or 30 years. Anyway. There was a plane evacuation because there was a fire. Yes. And they had the proper inflatable slides, everything. Did they have the inflatable slides? Yes. Can we just say, we're not sickos.

They're all okay, these people. There were no injuries sustained. No, there were some injuries, but I think they were then fine. A few people, bumps and bruises, nothing too major. Those are the injuries you're after, though, in one of those things. Exactly. It might tend to show your mates, look at that. Yeah.

Brilliant. But anyway, everyone was alright, okay. But- Oh, thank God, we can talk about it in a light-hearted fashion. Oh, totally. And then some. But people were slagging other people off on Twitter, which I didn't realise that that was what it was used for, but turns out it is. Is it? Yeah. People are negative on it.

Oh, no, that's disappointing. Quite, well, this might disappoint you too. Quite a few passengers went back for their hand luggage or grabbed stuff from the overhead lockers and... They had their hand luggage. There's one woman carrying flip-flops. Respect.

Wow. I mean, she was wearing... You have to take your shoes off on the inflatable slide. No, she was wearing stilettos. She burst the slides. You are... Really, she should have switched it round, put the flip-flops on and carried the...

I'm only kidding. I don't think she did slides. No. I thought they were for landing at sea, the inflatable slides. If any pilots are listening, get in touch. Yes. Yeah.

Not while you're flying the plane. Yeah, but you can take the pilot out of the aeroplane, but you can't take... No, that doesn't work. No. Still, what stays at... Anyway. But yeah, they had a right old go. Somebody said, I find it disgusting that these people all valued their hand luggage above other passengers' lives.

I, I find it, I find it alluring. Yeah, I, I value everything above other passengers' lives. Everything. I'd go back for a deck of cards. I think it's it. Above other passengers. Chewing gum? I'd go back for a deck of cards. I think it's... Chewing gum. I'd go back for all sorts of stuff. Oh, I'd grab... I tell you what, I'd get the headphones.

So get the headphones, Frank. I think it represents progress in the 70s. I do. If there'd been a fire on a planet, I'd grab the stewardess. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Oh, I haven't put your microphone up.

Oh, I see. Oh, I'm so sorry, everyone. I see. 220 has texted, you can take the boy out of the north, but you can't take the north out of the boy. And they then add, never forget your roots. I'm not sure if they're

telling us if that's the original one or if they're just explaining what the phrase is they're just talking to you we knew that bit no never forget your roots they're talking to me because the webcam's on i haven't had a chance to go to the hairdresser yeah it doesn't always mean never forget your roots it means you can't escape your roots doesn't it you can take the boy there was a boxer i remember he used to be in the circus. The first time I ever heard this phrase. And at the end of it, he did, like, a triple backflip when he won this fight,

and the bloke said, you can take the man out of the circus, but you can't take the circus out of the man, is that it? But I bet that wasn't the first one. Anyway, these characters on the burning plane... Yes, people who've been to Las Vegas accused of materialism. Shocker. I mean, the woman with the flip-flops and the tote,

the holiday tote, fair enough. But there were people with giant wheelie suitcases. Well, look, the whole hand luggage thing... Oh, Simon Cowell, we'll look. I know, but the hand luggage thing. Hand luggage very clearly meant stuff you carry in your hand. So why should it have wheels on it? That's a good point.

Under no circumstances should hand luggage be allowed with wheels on it. Really? Good point. And also, you never... What about if it's a Prada Valise? What is that? I knew you were going to ask that. Is this a dessert?

No. No, I... No. Is this a dessert? No. No, I... No. People take too much stuff on. Yeah. And if they'd have perished, they would have been self-inflicted. Yeah. No, because I would say, if I didn't take, let's say, a clutch... A clutch is fine, though.

Yeah. So you're going to have someone standing there assessing the style of handbag i believe the idea is though that there is a size you must have seen that thing where you're supposed to be able to drop your hand luggage in and take it out someone deals with that for me yeah well um really it's one of my great oh if there was a program where you could go on and talk about your pet hates and get them like you know. That's what I would go for. People who take on hand luggage, it's just too big.

Put it in the hold or don't fly. Yeah, but if I had a clutch, which was carrying my phone... If I had a clutch. I had a clutch in the morning. Or any sort of bag. Not every morning. That could be the difference. Let's say that plane landed in some remote desert island.

Having that phone... Desert islands? Yeah. Go on. No, but that could be the difference let's say that plane landed in some remote desert island having that phone desert islands yeah go on yeah but that could be do they still exist do they could that still happen to someone only in cliches yeah but could you end up on a desert island where no one knows you're there and you could live there for ages if i had my phone then that then that could stop me being eaten by a Komodo dragon, say. Well, what's the network going to be on a desert island? Yeah. I don't know. I can't get it to my ancestor.

They must have Wi-Fi. Everyone's got Wi-Fi on the desert island. I don't. That makes desert island disks completely redundant, doesn't it? I bet they haven't got 3G. What, on the desert? You know what they'll have't got 3G. What, on their Desert Island? You know what they'll have? GPRS.

Yeah, yeah, that's it. Or E. E. Worst of all. You've been on Desert Island Discs, haven't you? I have. I wish you'd been on it more recently, because you could just say,

oh, I don't need any of these records, I'll just have my phone and 3G as a luxury. Has anyone ever been on it? I'll just go Spotify. I'll just go Spotify. I've been on a Desert Island. Or the Absolute app. You've been on a Desert Island? Yeah. I just go Spotify. I've been on a desert island. You've been on a desert island?

Yeah. I wasn't going to mention the beard. Oh, dear. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Are we still on the tarmac? Yeah. Okay.

Oh, yeah, we're still on... I just want to make a quick diversion to read a tweet from Connor Ryan who says, bit off topic, but I'd say if Frank was an instrument, he would be the bongos. Emily the clarinet. A lady from the Congo said she could play the bongos.

Remember that? No. Okay. I don't. Emily, I don't like to say it. She got quite ecstatic. She said they're in the attic and I said, get them down. It was Dick Emery's You Are Awful But I Like You, a novelty song.

Oh, I love that character. Emily the clarinet, brackets classy. Why are you the clarinet? Classy. I'm glad I didn't get the bongos. clarinet, brackets classy. Why are you at the clarinet? Classy. I'm glad I didn't get the bongos. And, uh, Alan, don't know. Oh.

Yeah, that makes me feel really warm and special. You see, I'd have waited till I thought it was for Alan before I sent it in. Yeah, totally. I know, why has he not said don't know? What instrument do we think? He doesn't care about me. He doesn't want to allocate an instrument to me, because I'm like a peripheral character in his mind. He's really into you guys. Oh, no, hey, hey, hey.

Hey. Hey. I think I'm probably like an oboe. I'm probably something sort of... You dress like an oboe. Sorry, everyone. Coming from the man with a faux fur collar on and finding that tricky. Yeah, but I'm cold.

You don't understand. I feel like I'm waiting for... If there'd been a big disaster that involved the rich, this is what the people waiting for news would have been like. You know, with the Titanic, it's old women in shawls. Yeah. I don't know why there's plenty of rich on the Titanic. What about that?

Oh, no, they got on the lifeboats. Yes, you're right. Sorry, I've just got Jeremy Corbyn on the direct line. Anyway, yeah. I would say, if you were an instrument, I'm going flute. No. Really? Yeah, something gentle and slightly Galway about you.

No, it's definitely got to be sadder than that, hasn't it? I think kazoo. Oh, that's a bit cheap. 95p from the joke shop. Exactly. That sounds like me, yeah, yeah. 95p from the joke shop. That's his bill matter on the posters.

Oh. In defence, by the way, because there might be people listening who were on that plane who got off and took their hand luggage and think, you know, I just did. I just did what was instinctive. It would be, if you didn't do it, if you thought, no, no, come on, let's just get off,

you know, our lives are more important than material things, and then you're on the tarmac and it takes quite a while for the plane to... Yeah. Imagine they're thinking, I'd age just to get my bag. Oh, God, I had a Lee Child paperback in the bag. I could be reading that now on the tarmac.

Yeah. I shouldn't have let... Yeah. I would have always been a bag getter. Well, you know the joy of having hand luggage only is that you feel like you can just be anything, don't you? You feel a bit invincible when you're just pure hand luggage only.

Yeah, no, people do that though, you see. Hand luggage is designed for things that you need on the plane. He's off again. You know, things that you need on the plane. But people, people, you, for exactly the reason you say, people think, oh, I need to go on the, uh, on the carousel. Yeah. No, Frank. But, is there anything

more exciting than the carousel? No. I, there you go. I'm not into it. Is my bag, come here, it comes! Give'm there you go it's my bag come here it comes give me some space here comes my bag yes soft it's off it's a brilliant a brilliant thing except if it's your bag trapping all the other cases coming up which happened to a friend of mine recently that wasn't good oh yeah that's bad well sometimes there's that comes on that's been cling-filmed. Oh yeah. What is that? What is that about?

What can we talk about the cling film? What? It's like British Bake Off. What are they doing with the cling film? I know I do. I love it when there's a bag that's all burst open and the stuff on there. Whoa, that's brilliant. Yeah, that's sort of the cling film's counterbalance, isn't it?

Fank, Fank! What about when they tie a little red ribbon or something to it to identify theirs? Yeah, so they know they're back. I must have done that. I hate those people. What about when they tie a little red ribbon or something? Yes, I get it. Identify theirs. So they're now in the bag. I've done that. I hate those people. Most exciting. This text is the most exciting you've ever seen on a baggage carousel.

Me. Me. Can I start the ball rolling? Can I start the ball rolling? Go on. You won't believe this is absolutely brilliant. Go on. Sniffer dog. No.

I saw a sniffer dog. It was like it was on a treadmill. It was walking against. It was walking but not moving. And sniffing all the luggage. One of the most exciting things. And from the neck down, completely covered in cling film. No, I added that bit.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We're talking this morning on Absolute Radio about the most exciting thing we've ever seen on a luggage carousel. The man with no name on Twitter says, once at the carousel I saw... I like at the carousel. Once at the carousel I saw a pair of pants, then a sock. Oh, I like that.

Oh, imagine someone now, they'd see your own pants coming down in front of everyone. Would you claim them? Yes, I would claim them. Yes, you would. Waste not, want not. It depended on how high quality they were. If they were going anywhere, I think...

I would claim them if the sniffer dog was coming in the opposite direction. I don't want to put it in hospital. 987 has also texted us, My drunken friend fell on the carousel and you could hear the cheers and laughter from the baggage handlers from behind the curtain. Oh, those leather curtains. Oh, yeah.

He came back out. They remind me of when I used to work in a factory and we used to have those leather things. And now there they are with posh people waiting for stuff to come out. He says he came back out and security helped him off. They weren't impressed. The leather curtains.

It's a bit your friends in the S&M community behind there. What do they get up to? It is. It's fabulous in there. I do get really cheesed off with the people who will not stand behind the yellow line. Oh, do you? If everyone stands behind the yellow line, we can all see the luggage. But now, now, some people have to get a bit closer.

You like queuing, don't you? 3-4-0. I like organised queuing. Frank and the team, funniest thing seen on a carousel was a friend of mine's golf clubs wrapped up in security tape. Yeah, that's... To look like a woman with the tag Secretary and Transport. Really?

Yes. What? What about when you get those things where, don't even know what someone's do there is someone somewhere in the world doing a sport that requires really long zip-up bags oh yeah i don't know what that sport is but i'm on about things that are like 10 feet long yeah in a zip-up bag imagine that you must get the zip and then you have to walk with the zip. So you have to walk with your knees like slightly. You have to crouch like Groucho Marx holding the zip to get to the other end of the bag. What are those zip-op bags?

What is this sport? What are they carrying? Why is it on every single flight? I know. It's always the same. Young bloke. Young, sort of quite good looking bloke with his hair brushing with like a yellow cagoule thing on I'm going to guess windsurfing, you think it's windsurfing?

Do you know what it was? I have no idea what it is Frank, what about when they have those awful laundry bags you know the tartan check ones the sort of awful plastic ones I mean make an effort, you're going on an international flight I always assume that's how it made jam, I don't know why What about

Smethwick Albion has tweeted us. Oh, yeah? His best carousel experience, taking the mickey out of a ripped bag on the carousel, then realising after three times round it was my bad. Well, those ones that keep going round. Oh. Oh, is that one again?

Is that Adidas one again? Weird. Skinner, Dean and Cochran together the Frank Skinner show Absolute Radio Frank we've had some more of these carousel texts luggage carousel texts

there's a tweet from Simon Moore who's talking about the best thing he's ever seen on a luggage carousel texts. There's a tweet from Simon Moore, who's talking about the best thing he's ever seen on a luggage carousel. He says, I felt violated as I saw someone take my bag off by mistake. Oh, God, can I get that? He then says, he put it back, but I've never looked at that bag in the same way.

I understand that. And then Scott has tweeted us to say, an elderly Indian lady sat on a stopped luggage conveyor. Oh, no. Suddenly it started. elderly Indian lady sat on a stopped luggage conveyor. Oh, no. Suddenly it started. She fell back and moved a short distance. Oh, dear.

And then we've also had Charlie, who's emailed us to say, I saw the contents of my bag strewn across the carousel. As a half-used bottle of shampoo passed by, I picked it up and said, I'd like to travel light, and walked off until the area cleared. Style it out. This could happen to anyone if I was to split back.

With a slight change of tack, 118 has texted, Frank, I too share your chagrin. Are we going with chagrin? I know I like chagrin. I'm glad there was an I-N on the end of that. I too share your chagrin? I know I like chagrin. I'm glad there was an I-N on the end of that. I too share your chagrin for the baggage claim argy-bargy.

I think they should fit mirrors to the ceiling so instead of crowding around, you can just look up. Brilliant. Who's that from, Paul Raymond? That's a... That's a great idea. They could do those sort of concave mirrors like blind turns. Yeah, those things.

You know, the lorry driver's mirrors. I've found that pedestrians need those. It reminds me when I'm going around a corner, how many people take a real short, sharp, fast corner right into you. Pedestrians are getting really unruly. Frank, you mentioned Paul Raymond. I think it was. You mentioned Paul Raymond. And Costas has texted us to say,

best thing I've seen, a VHS going round the carousel by itself. No-one claimed it. It was a blue movie. Assume it fell out of a bag. Two young lads near me were discussing whether to pick it up. I haven't heard the phrase a blue movie for such a long time. Or a VHS. Yeah, exactly. Blue movie. Yesterday when I was young

So many blue movies were waiting to be Can't think of a rhyme. It's horrible. It's terrible when that happens. Just stops you, you know, pulled up short. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? pulled up short. Absolute Radio. I think we're overdue a visit to email corner, I was just going to say. That was a lovely sidekick moment.

Nice. I have an email here. Did you say sidekick or sidekick? I suppose. I'll take either. Dear Frank and team, I've recently been working through the podcast, playing them out loud on my iPhone. Get you!

That's me saying that, not him. A couple of times the podcast has been interrupted as Frank's voice has activated Lady Siri on my phone. Have any of us experienced this? And is Frank aware of the power Apple have bestowed upon him? Perhaps he could use this to start a synchronised playing of U2 across the nation. First time writer, Simon. Well, he started well, hasn't he? Oh, hello, Simon.

It's his first one. Is that you doing impressions of Siri? And then Siri hearing a voice saying Siri. I think Siri... Do you remember, this is... I don't know if you were on this but we were doing the show once and I mentioned

the Ku Klux Klan. And a voice said, what is the Ku Klux Klan? Yes. We had about eight... People thought it was a competition. We had about eight entries. It was Charlie's... In the end I have to give away £100 worth of... I have to give £100 worth of firelighters away.

No, but it was... Yeah, so that was a weird thing. That was just me talking to someone about my voice. I'd have to say, I hate Siri. Yeah. And it's constant interruptions. Why did it react to that? That was Charlie's phone.

I don't like it. Surly, it should be called. Yeah. I didn't even know there was a Lady Siri. Oh, I love Lady Siri. I think there is a Lady Siri. I've got Lady Siri. Oh, I've got the man.

I don't think I'd cope with Lady Siri. I could imagine her squabbling. Where is the nearest Chinese restaurant? You're going out again! I don't need that in my life. I don't think I've got either, Siri. I don't... You've got no Siri. What are you, a Siri-eriot?

I know, I thought, I wonder if he's going to say that. Actually, I thought... You should never wonder that, because I'm always going to say it, whatever it is. Can I say, by the way, on the people who were getting their hand luggage thing. Yes.

I, if ever I'm in a building and a fire thing goes off, I don't know about you, I tend not to race for the exits. Oh, no. Oh, I don't? Not at all. I never believe it. No, I never believe it. No, I never believe it. But I tell you what, also, there's part of me, I would love to know if the fire engine people, what are they called?

Fire Brigade. Oh, yes. If they... My past. If they still have those circular trampolines that you see... Oh, yes. ...when people jump from high buildings. That is a great question.

Oh, what about when they move them around underneath? To accommodate the jump? Yeah, but they're like on a circular frame. I bet you that's what's in those big boxes on the fire brigade. It's all separate rods, you see. Yeah. You have to put it together like a tent. There's a bloke on the ledge three stories up.

No, you put... It's the yellow arrow into the orange arrow. If there's anyone in the fire brigade or has fire brigade connections, do let us know if the circular trampoline is still in service. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why not text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Have we had any news on whether they still use their circular trampolines in the fire service? Not had any circular trampoline fire service news updates. What are people leaping into then?

I don't... Oh, hang on. Um, hi Frank, I have no... News just in? Yeah, hi Frank, I have... Well, he's saying news. Hi Frank, I have no connection to the fire brigade nor any knowledge of trampolines. I do like bananas, though. Steve, banana lover from Putney.

So, in a way, we haven't had no answer to that. We haven't had no answer. It's like working with Danny Dyer. We haven't had no answer. Yeah. We ain't had no answer. Yeah. Answer.

This is the worst accent section we've ever done. Well, I tell you what, you two, with accents like that, you could have got a part in the, you could have got a part in the new Grey's film. I recently saw it's called Legend. Legend. Frankie, Legend.

It's a shame they've stolen, like, the catchphrase for you, innit? Legend. Yes. Yeah. They've nicked that. They've obviously heard us talk about you being a legend and they've thought I'm having that. What I want to know is if you're on the legend, do they hold a circular trampoline? Good question. That's silly.

It stars Tom Hardy. Yes. He plays both craze. Yeah. Bit cheap. In one of the easiest acting bookings of all time. I mean, like, his agent must have found it very difficult to put his fee up on that call.

Because when they went, yeah, we'd like to have Tom Hardy play both craze, the agent couldn't go, oh, he really doesn't want to do that. He's holding out to play Isambard Kingdom Brunel or something like that. No, you're right, he was born. He was absolutely nailed on. I reckon they got him for minimum wage, like Labour's

minimum wage. Do you think? There's no way because he would have said yes to it. Was it a bog off? Yeah. Yeah. You two have gone blokes in the pub again. What do you think you got paid for that film, then? Honestly.

I bet they say bog off in the film. How vulgar talking about people's... what they get. Yes, you're quite right. 125 quid I paid for that. So, I've seen it. Oh, yeah, so? I absolutely loved it. Did you?

Yes, I did. You're kidding. I know. You haven't seen it. Daisy was talking about it, the producer, and I don't think she's a fan either. No. Has she seen it?

No, but she said some friends of hers didn't like it. Oh, some friends of hers. People always say that when they mean them. She's seen it, all right. She said some friends of hers didn't like it. Oh, some friends of hers. People always say that when they mean them. She's seen it, all right. She doesn't want us to fess up. Anyway, that wasn't the point. The point was they'd done something a little bit naughty. On the marketing?

Yes. Oh, this is brilliant now. Did you hear about this? Brilliant. So basically, they've got all the stars on the poster, and there's in between both Tom Hardy heads. Can I stop you there, though? Yes. They have got some four-star reviews on the poster. there's in between both Tom Hardy heads. Can I stop you there though? Yes. They have got some four star reviews on the poster.

Yeah they have. I've said so many times. Who brags about a four star review? What about when you rung up your manager and complained? Why not just have four stars on the poster? What did you say to Frank? I went, I was furious. It's the sort of thing you don't want to tell people about a four star review. It's going to put a speech bubble from

me just saying, not quite as good as I hoped. And leave it at that. Quite good. Yes. But, even better. Yes. They actually put the, they quoted the Guardian. Yes. Who gave them a two star review. And they've stuck

that in the middle of their heads. This is the greatest poster. But the two stars, they're hidden behind both grey ears so it looks like they're blocking a four star review I mean it's very clever

excellently done it is clever it was called brazen and deceitful and I tell you what's really clever right is that

no really the film it looks like it's got two stars but it's only got one star the film I mean oh yeah it looks like it's got two stars, but it's only got one star. The film, I mean. Oh, yeah. It looks like it's got two stars.

It's so hardy. It's only got one star. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had some news in from the fire service. Ah. Over to Alan Cochran in our London office. I've got a text here from 418.

Hello, I'm a fire officer and historian. Of course you are, mate. Wow, that's... what a combo. I'm a fire officer and historian. I can tell you that we have never used trampolines in the fire service. We've never used catchnets. That's all American rubbish from movies. Catchnets were used in the USA

around 1900 best wishes Chris thanks Chris our officer and a historian I mean I've seen sort of more modern American maybe it is an American fire service I mean Chris is suggesting the American fire service don't use them either

someone else has said 553 has said, Frank, surely if it's an actual trampoline, then that sort of defeats the point. Well, no, because you can then tell them if anyone's in any of the lower stories. While you're there, could you be a lookout? You've done two or three bounces, you jump down,

right, have a look at that, yes, and then... And then you've checked them all out. All right, fair enough. And then also Alex Fox has tweeted us to say the fire service used big airbags instead of those little trampolines with targets on them now. Safer but not as fun. They might as well use some of those inflatable

slides, would have never used on aeroplanes. That's a good point. Because I bet they have to change them every now and again even though they haven't been used. What happens to those? I wouldn't mind one of those in the garden so you could recreate, you know the last episode of In the Jungle, the time of Celebrity, when they have them on a big water slide going down there?

You could do that in your garden if you could buy one of those slides. Or save yourself going downstairs from the top floor of the house. You could put it next to your upstairs window and then slide straight down. You could slide straight out of the bedroom and see what you've got. Have you ever been in a fire engine? No. I have.

Anyway, I genuinely have. All right, buzz, buzz, buzz. Have you ever been in a cherry picker? Yes. Yeah, me too. Sheila, she was called, I remember. What a holiday that was. Anyway.

Anyway. Oh, anyway. Legend. Also, on that poster, it says unmissable a British classic. Now, it made me wonder if the original sentence said,

its faults are unmissable, about as far from a British classic as you could get. Oh, yeah, and it's just cleverly documented. Once you just think, I'll do what I like with it. But I have to say, although it's very deceitful, it was a masterstroke. The way they

made it look like a four star review with those two stars. Well, they said. I wouldn't have mentioned the Guardian review if it was so bad, but now we're going to use it against him. I mean, wow. You see, this should give you two some ideas for your next little shows. you could do this with your edinburgh posters you could hide yours behind the ukulele or something have them coming out either side yes yeah i like the uh the person who said that is the most creative and deceitful design i've ever seen you should be

honored and i was thinking wouldn't it be brilliant if the queen was reading that thinking who am I going to honor this year I went oh actually there's a good clue wouldn't it be great if that this person that designed this poster suddenly was on the new year's honors list and everybody else was like oh yeah I spent 25 years at the top of the music industry I've been a lollipop lady and then what did you do? I did that really cheeky craze poster you know the two star one in the middle of the heads but also if he owned say if he owned a strobe light at home he could say

in his interview I've got A and then he could have the craze either side of the strobe and he could say I'll be E why stop now? phew it's hard work it's hard work why do you, it's hard work. It's hard work?

Why do you say it's hard work? That's so rude to us. It is when it's hard work. No, but you're suggesting that we're hard work. No, I'm not suggesting that for a second. Oh, good. You're not my long-term partner, are you? Really felt like it there for a moment.

It's hard work today. Oh, so I'm hard work, am I? I never said it was you! Um, relax. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Hi, I went to the cinema, unusually, this week. I saw the film Southpaw with my wife, you know, the boxing movie.

Oh, yeah. See, I saw the trailer for that and we were all doing fun. Yeah, we basically went because it was at the right time, you know, when you make a decision to go to a film together and you basically will see anything because it's on at the right time. Yes. And I quite liked it. My wife thought it was terrible, but I would rather see that

than the next Dad's Army film. You know, there's this new Dad's Army film. Oh, you don't fancy that? I couldn't be less interested in that. I was away the week of the show that you did. I'm sensing that he auditioned for it. Yeah, yeah, I went up for all of those

parts. You are so right. I haven't auditioned for it, I promise you. Put that light out. You know, I went up for all of those parts. You are so right. I haven't auditioned for it, I promise you. Put that light out. You know, I was away... Put that light out. Now you have to sound more immediate. Put that light out. No, no.

Put that light... Go on, go on. Is that a catchphrase from it? It's Bill Pertwee's, isn't it? I was away... Well, better than you, Frank. We know what you're like when you audition for film parts. You do an American accent.

And look how well that ends up. I was away the week that you did late reviews on the show. You know, you did late reviews. Oh, yeah. Keith Richards, yeah. I'd like to bring one. I've never really got Dad's Army. I don't get it. I've given it a go a few times, and I just think... I agree. It doesn't make me laugh. You know I should either.

It's just loads of old men saying stuff. Old men saying stuff? That's all it is. That's just old men saying stuff. I just found it so I believe that's our absolute sell this year I used to make me so ill when I was younger That relentlessly Olive green suits

Everything about it Olive green Horrible rough fabrics Uniforms No one wore nice clothes. I don't mind the wears. Everyone had glasses and was old. I love a shirt with an epaulette, but other than that...

People running around in a field. It was awful. And there was always a bull charging someone. I mean, when I saw the trailer, there was indeed a bull charging at someone in a field. Fantastic. Yeah. What do you make of Dad's Army, Frank?

People are excited about it, aren't they? Because it's got this stellar British cast. I have laughed at Dad's Army many a time. I'm going to be completely straight with you. I was always in a low, low, man, if I had to choose. Oh, now you're talking. If I had to choose a World War II major conflict-based comedy. Awesome.

Yeah. I've been offered a hair flick in the remake. Oh. Have you? No. That would be great. I don't know they'd be able to do it now. I think lingerie-based comedy is virtually obsolete. Yeah, and also that phrase about the

fallen Madonna, I mean, they're not going to get that. No. No, it's all gone. I just think it's a strange thing to resurrect. I mean, come on, it's like doing a movie of Heidi High. Yeah, that's my casting this week. Oh, is it? I hear Jennifer Lawrence is in that one.

Are you going to do the Paul Shane role? Yeah, yeah. I remember they were two fat ladies. Do you remember those? They wanted to bring back fantasy football. Instead of me and Dave, but we poo-pooed it. Oh, yeah. But, yeah, I think I'll probably go.

I just want to go and see how they've done the castings, really. Will they look like the people from the television? Well, it's Toby Jones. Toby Jones, good actor. Toby Jones. Very good. He's great. He is a great actor.

I always say that about ugly actors. I always think they're better. Oh. That's not very nice, is it? Well, I don't mean ugly. I mean... That's the way Al said that. That means he thinks he's hot.

No, do you know what I mean, though? If you're sort of like... Just what if he listens? But you know, like, your Tim Spools and your Toby Jones, people think, well, they must be brilliant if they've got on. Yeah. No. Character actors, yeah?

Yeah. But that's what character actors means, isn't it? Ones that are so good that they didn't rely on looks. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I worry it then makes them bitter. No, they're in work. Because they're actors.

That's what makes them bitter. You have to use your mind. No, but they want to get their own back. Yeah, but all actors do. They're the most vicious, spiteful people. I mean, I love them, many of them. Yes. But, God, get a couple of milk stouts down them

and you will hear what venom and bitterness is all about. Milk stouts! This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Frank, there's some visitors in the building Yeah, there seems to be loads of people on the other side of the window They're waving at us

Yeah, I'm waving back I'm not sure this will make great radio No, but I've just made their day Yeah, haven't you? You are so arrogant And I like it. So right. I'm trying to claw back that 125 quid.

In ego. I have returned from the Edinburgh Festival. Congratulations. Thanks very much. You heard, did you? Joint eighth best joke on the... Did you hear that, Frank? It's fine.

I didn't know that. I don't want to bang on about it. Joint eighth best. Well, let me say it, then. Hold on. You're not going to say the joke, are you? He's probably still using that. No, no, it's fine, it's fine. I'm not going to say the joke.

We poured forensically over this last week. Oh, OK. The Alan Wan 8th best joke at the Edinburgh Festival. OK, OK, I was trying to pick you up. 8th best, joint 8th best joke. That's still good, there's a lot of jokes at the Edinburgh Festival. I mean, it's very prone to Chinese whispers because immediately people go around the corner and go,

well, you know, Alan was in the top ten best shows at the Edinburgh Festival. That's all right, don't worry. It's perfect for the Chinese whispers. Oh, I'm not. It was a lovely little joke. And then it goes around another corner and, you know, Alan's the funniest comedian in the world. That's perfect. Ideal.

Anyway, I've returned to the comedy circuit. I noticed Frank Frown when I said funniest comedian in the world. That's perfect. Ideal. Anyway, I've returned to the comedy circuit. I noticed Frank frown when I said funniest comedian in the world. You very nearly had to argue with that. Can I just confirm that you actually did frown? I don't think I did. You did. I can exclusively

reveal that you grimaced. Your face contorted. I think I partly said it on purpose just to see you frown. Anyway. Anyway. That was that moment. I've returned back to the comedy circuit.

Have you? I did a long day last Saturday. Long day. Long day last Saturday. We can laugh at you because you're a fundamentally generous soul, Frank. Yes. Get this for some scheduling.

Last Saturday, did the radio show here in London. Oh, yeah. Opened a comedy club that night in Carlisle. When you say opened, opened on first. What, with scissors? Bit of Camilla Parker balls. No, no, not opened as in, oh, I hereby

declare this comedy club open. Ribbon across the double doors. No, I mean, I went on first. 50-click appearance fee. Shane Ritchie and Asda. I mean, I went on first. 50-click appearance fee. Shane Ritchie and Asda. I mean, I went on first. I mean, London, Carlisle, and then Darwin, which is near Blackburn. Wow. That's a long old day, isn't it?

Darwin, isn't that in Australia? Yeah, yeah. London, Carlisle, Darwin. Where is he? Derbyshire. London, Carlisle, Darwin. Oh, it's like Fashion Week all over again. I feel like I should

be saying talk about pop music London Carlisle Darwin in near Blackburn everybody's talking about pop music

talk about pop music come on join join in for god's sake I'm left here on my own thank you very much well done thanks that was lovely Al

the next day the next day I did Blackpool, an open-air gig. I've not done many open-air gigs. Are you just going to read out your tour list now? No, no. I've got stories. Open-air gig. In other words, bosking. In other words, common garden piazza.

I'm not sure how you guys would feel about my attire for the open-air gig. Because, to be honest, when I got the email booking me for it, I didn't realise that it was open-air, so I got there, and of course it's by the seaside, it's a bit chilly. Mm, Blackpool. I did, I did the gig in double denim. Well, you say that, Frank, you know what, I think you have one of those gold spray-painted coats. When he says outdoor gig, open-air gig, he's one of those metallic men, isn't he?

Yeah, he's just a statue. I would have done that. I would have done that if I'd had the chance. But Blackpool did not... Don't you do gigs in double denim? I would wear a shirt. I'd wear a denim shirt and jeans. But on this occasion, I wore a denim jacket buttoned up on stage. And here we are, and here we are, and here we go. Very close.

Denim shirts a bit Eamon Holmes relaxing. Yeah, and Alan Cochran performing. There you go. Okay. Blackpool, however. But they thought that's bewitched? Come on. It did not roll out its finest inhabitant for me

as a first impression. Hold on, because we're going to leave him on that cliffhanger. Oh, okay, fair enough. Because on commercial radio we have certain obligations. Yeah, yeah, fine. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. obligations yeah you're listening to frank skinner's podcast from absolute radio so i was parking in blackpool that's where we were do you remember it seems ages ago now

parking i was parking and i deliberately parked around the corner because the actual venue seemed like a bit tricky no around the corner from the um it was an open air gig on the promenade kind of thing i've been there and i couldn't, I couldn't be bothered with the difficulty of getting into this. Open air gig on the promenade, end of pier? Yeah, exactly. It was very end of pier. So I turned this corner and there's this guy who's doing a turn in the road, right? Doing a turn in the road? Yeah, he was. Oh, not doing a turn. Not a performance, no. No, no. He was doing a three-point turn in his little car. Yeah. And, uh, he seemed like quite a little bit and the seagull didn't move and then he moved it a bit more and the seagull just stayed there and then he leaned out of his window and shouted get out of the bleeping way and swore at the seagull effect as if it's gonna go oh well

that's changed everything because i understand the english language and you're angry now did you go over and tell him off like uh james bond film when is it live and let die when the bloke shoots the pelican on the thing and and and james bond goes over and said what did you have to do that for no i haven't seen it did he get all about eco conscience yeah well i mean you know although he's you know he kills hundreds of people james bond he will not see a pelican shot for fun i don't remember that yeah this man was not a good poster boy for welcome to blackpool which is largely fine i mean blackpool blackpool i noticed the population there has a high percentage of neck tattoos but other than that it's um yeah it's great it's lovely

um so i did the gig and i've noticed the change in my um in my treatment of the rider at a gig you know when you have a little cabin dressinga-cabin dressing room thing? We should explain what a rider is. Yeah, it's the stuff they give you for nothing in your dressing room. Yeah, so you get a few sandwiches and stuff like that. Yeah. This one, I... You know, sometimes you've got a little bag and you take stuff home.

Do you do that? Do you take stuff home from the rider? I'll take crisps home, I'll be honest with you. What about a candle you get if you're on a tour? My rider, when I was on tour once, used to include one pair of black socks and two stamped local postcards. Ah. That's nice. Well, what about when I went on a private jet? That's it. No, I did, when I went on a private jet, I was asked, what would you like? And I ordered Haribo Tangfastics. Oh, nice. That was all you... Oh, that's lovely. I love your humility.

Well, this one... This one, I definitely noticed the change in the guard in the way Alan Cochran treats a rider. I put into my bag a big, like, one-litre carton of coconut water. Oh, yeah. They're expensive, aren't they? Like three or four quid, then. Yeah. Left all the beers in the fridge.

Took a big bar of dark chocolate. Yummy. Left all the crisps and sugary biscuits and stuff. Didn't bother with any of that. Did you take your hand luggage? I had, yeah, I put it all in my hand luggage. And all of the soft fruit that was on, like, a little platter, I just shoved it all in my mouth.

So I left with that running down my chin. And then just left. It's a strange combination, the fruit and the chocolate was a chocolate for the family no it was for me i ate it the next day i think i might pretended to myself i always think they're like the cleaners and stuff they depend on the stuff not consumed on the riders to live well that's why i left the crisps and the popcorn they're living on the fences in the dressing room we don't want to go and print it on the seams. I wouldn't. There can't be anything in there. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. What about that giant Lenin head? It was unearthed after being buried for 24 years in a german forest what was the statue of lenin doing in a german forest well they went a bit that way didn't they oh of course for the reunification you may recall yes so at the time of the reunification, it was torn down, I believe. Was it? Well, people were a bit down on that way of life. I suppose they were.

Yeah. Did some old bloke suddenly turn up and hit you with a flip-flop? Yeah. Like when Saddam Hussein's statue went down. Which I still do to pictures of exes now. Do you? It's a good thing to do, yeah. I just go around with a flip-flop.

Oh, I just whacked the nightclub. Wow. With my zeal. Anyway, it was unearthed in a German forest. It was outside Berlin, but it was a 62-foot monument. The whole statue, I mean, absolutely amazing. Come on. It is amazing.

And they've found it this week. If this isn't a good omen for Jeremy Corbyn. Oh, yeah. I don't know what is. But imagine, I mean, where's our 62 foot statues of politicians I've got one in my garden Of Gordon Brown Gordon Brown it is

I've got Paddy Pants down To be honest his tummy obscures the light For my daughter's bedroom window But I think it's a price worth paying Because who else in the street's got a 62 foot Gordon Brown statue No one The head?

I'll tell you that for nothing. The head alone? Yeah. Weighs three and a half tonnes. Wow. That is a lot. That's a lot of head. That's heavy.

Yeah. Heavy is the head. It's not the most flattering likeness. I thought it was quite a good likeness. There's a hint of Richard Stilgoe, but I actually thought... I thought if it came up for auction, John Malkovich should have it. Oh, yeah. Looks very nice. I think it looks a bit like he's in

one of those silent movies, going to put a lady on the rail track. Yeah, it's just like Emperor Ming. Yes, definitely. But it is brilliant. I mean, I do like the way the Soviets celebrate stuff with massive statues and pictures and stuff. Good for me, because I've got a massive statue of a toupee that I was wondering what to

do with, and now finally. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's like 14 foot across that. That's brilliant. What's the chances of that? That's really uncommon. It's going to be shown at the Spandau Museum, which is a museum set up by Tony Hadley.

Well, I should think his head must be a ton and a half well they what can you imagine if they had a sandbar ballet museum frank with a saxophone and the billowy shirt and when when two of them was in um roya the rovers they played for melchester rovers you know that yeah i think two or three of them wow were in the Manchester Rovers team. They play gold on a loop. Of course, my management company, Avalon, who managed me, in their foyer, they've got a Lenin statue. They have! Of course they have.

They've got Lenin and a Dalek. Yeah. Covering both ends of the political spectrum. Yeah, but, so, you know, I'm used to having Lenin statues around. I'd like a 62-foot. If that was on eBay, I'd be tempted. Oh, tempted?

Yeah. Anyway, thank you so much for listening to the show this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Don't Rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.