The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Mackenzie Mistook

Episode Date: January 12, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank disposed of his Christmas tree this week with the help of Emily. The team also discuss the Golden Globes, relationship deal breakers and soda streams.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm laughing just in anticipation of all the fun to come. Oh, that's nice. Yes. Over the next three hours ladies and gentlemen okay so yes yeah fast as they say in the black country oh um i noticed as as i was driven in this morning i don't mean by some sort of Greek slave master,

I mean I was driven in in a car, that the Christmas decorations are still up on Regent Street in London. Really? Isn't that terrible bad luck? That's so depressing, isn't it? I like the fact that we've got two different sides of the coin there. It's terrible bad luck for Frank and it's just really

depressing for Emily. Where do you sit on this spectrum? I think there's probably some administration gloom that's caused it. It's probably bureaucracy. I like our two perspectives though. Mine was very modern malaise with the Depression,

and then, of course, Frank went medieval with the Depression. I dare say what's actually happened is that the health and safety people have said you can't use that ladder on that decoration on that day. I'm worried that modern malaise is the title of a website used by middle-aged Englishmen. I really hope it isn't but anyway I've just noticed you've got a black eye

is it ok to talk about it yeah it's fine did you walk into a cupboard door yes I sat up into my friend Ryan's knee on the mats yesterday ok so he played no part in it I sat up into my friend Ryan's knee on the mats yesterday. Okay.

Yeah. So he played no part in it? He was stepping inwards. Okay. For any jiu-jitsu fans, I was sitting up to a seated guard and he was stepping in with a penetration step, I think to do a back step pass. Oh, Frank, I really felt a bit unwell just then. No, I liked it. I liked the technical.

I could smell the umbrication. My De La Hiva guard is just not what it ought to be. No. My Von Tooth is not as good as it was. I must say. Anyway, it'll go away soon. I read an article the last time

I had a black eye that apparently if you eat lots of vitamin C, it's quite good for getting rid of bruises. So, you know. Can I say, I think it looks quite sexy on you. Thanks, Frank. I mean, the other one's black, but that's just tiredness. No, no, it does. It makes you look, you know,

like a bloke who puts himself about. Well, I'll tell you what he looks like. It's a bit like when Daniel Craig emerges from a scuffle. Yes. Not a full-on fight, but a little scuffle. He's dispatched a few henchmen. That's what you look like. Yeah. Happy with that?

Yeah. Except he's not sobbing in the film and I mostly am. No, and he... When's the last time he stepped into a backward penetration? Yeah. What was it called? He was doing a penetration step and I was doing seated guard. You were doing a seated guard. Yeah. What was it called? He was doing a penetration step and I was doing seated guard. You were doing a seated guard.

Exactly. Isn't that what Ronnie Biggs did? So what it reminded me of is I got rid of my Christmas decorations on the 6th of January in our house. It's rigid. That's when they all go.

Right. Yeah. Emily Dean was visiting my house, so I said, you couldn't help me carry my Christmas tree to the Christmas tree cemetery. Imagine my surprise. Didn't she give you a good tip last week about wrapping it up in a duvet cover or something?

You know what? We actually saw her, man. Yeah. When we walked back empty-handed just picking the needles off our clothing. Uh-huh.

What about when Frank shouted at a man and he said, oh, bit late? And Frank said, actually, I think you'll find it is the last thing I have to reply.

You did, didn't you, Frank? It's exactly on time was what I said. Yeah. It was a bit late. It was the 6th of January. You can't. I mean, the interaction with the parts of by.

These people. Go on, so you had the, we had. Yeah, so we saw a man doing that, and it looked awful. It looked like he was ejecting a ghost from a nightclub. Oh, dear. Yes, it did rock. Well, Frank encouraged me.

Great advice. I didn't know how we would carry it. And then he said, just take the bass and put it did rock. Well, Frank encouraged me. Great advice. I didn't know how we would carry it. And then he said, just take the base and put it behind you. And I felt like a sort of sedan chair carrier in a Jane Austen novel. Yeah, I had a problem with that, but we'll talk to it after. We'll talk it out. We'll talk to it. We'll talk about it after this break.

OK. Absolute, absolute radio radio frank skinner on absolute radio so yeah what i was worried about is that um first of all i i left the base on on the tree now you get like a plastic base it fits in i just threw it away with that on did you i couldn't get it off yeah and I thought there's plenty more where that came from

and when we got to the cemetery graveyard there was a load of bases other people thought oh come on well there's a sort of Christmas tree piled

well Frank I said where are we taking it? it's an actual enclosure for dead Christmas trees yeah when we were walking I mean it was

a very polar expedition I thought when are we going to get there? I said where is it Frank? he said over there where the trees are for dead Christmas trees, yeah. When we were walking, I mean, it was a very polar expedition. I thought, when are we going to get there? I said, where is it? He said, over there where the trees are. There's quite a lot of trees, to be fair, on Amsterdam Heath. And then he pointed me in the direction of the tree graveyard or cemetery. And we did the, you know, the one, two, three toss.

Oh, brilliant. Yeah, we did that. Well, I think it was brilliant. I wasn't so brilliant. No, I couldn't do it. I think it was my fault. I thought we were rubbish. One, two, three, and Oh, brilliant. Yeah, we did that. Well, I think that was brilliant. I wasn't so brilliant. No, I didn't do it. I think it was my fault. I thought we were rubbish. One, two, three, and it just fell

right at our feet. That's why we'd be the worst murderers of our body disposal. You've got to be able to go one, two, three, throw. Or Highland Games. Highland Games.

Are English people allowed in the Highland Games? I don't think so. I haven't read the rule book for a while. Imagine big Scandinavian men come over and tape. Is there a women's Highland Games? 8, 12, 15. Para Highland Games?

I don't know anything about the Highland Games. Dealing with the issues of the day. Yeah. Well, it is. It's still current. I only know one event. Let me guess. What do you think that might be?

Text in or don't text in? Oh God, I can't think of what that could possibly be. No, I might reveal at the end of the show. It would be useful though. They're transferable skills, aren't they? Well, it would have been useful for us with the tree. I mean, if you were a Highland gamer, you think you'd have struggled with a little Christmas tree

going over the fence. Well, I don't know. It's different from a caber. I think it'd be good if you were playing doubles and you only had one cue. It'd be quite handy for the Passover. Do you know, Frank, that was... For the Passover.

That was the first Christmas... That's the one for our Jewish listeners. That was the first Christmas tree I've carried in my whole life. You're joking. No, and I really appreciate you giving me that experience. I won't be going back there. It's a lovely one-off. I'll tell you what nagged at me about it.

It's because I let Emily lead with the bass. It meant that it wasn't pointed in the direction we were going. Oh, yeah. And I thought, if someone goes overhead in a helicopter, it's going to be really disappointing. It's like if you saw geese and they were in the V,

but going the other way. You'd think, oh, no. You know, the whole message is we're going this way isn't it it's like the red arrows yeah that's our northern star the top of the tree

do the red arrows ever fly in reverse formation with like six of them at the front and one at the back oh oh I bet someone will know though well they will

because we've got a lot of red arrows following fans is that our demographic yeah there was a documentary on this week was there really about the red arrows

oh damn I missed that must have been watching a Doctor Who episode sorry Frank There was a documentary on this week. Was there really? About the Red Arrows. Oh, damn, I missed that. I must have been watching a Doctor Who episode. Sorry, Frank. Yeah, all about the Red Arrows. But what was great, though, Al, was that... As you'd expect a documentary about the Red Arrows to be, I suppose. That was the summary. All about the Red Arrows.

What I liked about... Apparently they've been going since the 17th century. Oh. Well, now, clearly not. Well, on foot. It started on your foot. They're just locked arms. What I felt was lovely about our Christmas tree moment was seeing the joy in others' eyes. Because at first

they thought... I could see their shift in thought and they thought, oh, look at those people carrying that tree a bit late. And then they thought, oh, what cute children, Frank's son Buzz and his friend.

Yes. And a lovely little dog, my dog Ray. Yes. And then they went, isn't that Frank Skilling with the Christmas tree? Yeah, I mean,

that was one good reason for having the top at my end. To point at you. Yeah, exactly. Just in case you haven't noticed me. I might start carrying a huge arrow. Yeah. You know one of those Soho neon signs?

I think you should take that round with you. I might get a cardboard TV front that I carry around with me. That'd be good. Yeah. But yeah, it is a good way of look at me. That's great. cardboard TV front that I carry around would be good. But yeah, it is a good way of look at me. I mean, heat spotted, if that was still going. Oh yeah. Is it not going anymore? They can't run us over.

There's still a heat, isn't there? Yeah. There's no heat spotted. I don't know if you can do spotted anymore. Don't they call lawyers and things? I don't know. It put't know if you can do Spotted anymore. Don't they call lawyers and things? Oh, I don't know. Well, it put a lid on a few celebrity affairs. So every... Of yours.

It's an ill wind that blows. Not anymore. That was my knees. Not them. Heat treatment? I think deep heat I used at one point. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Heat treatment? I think deep heat I used at one point. I'm glad you did take the tree to an actual sort of tree... Cemetery.

Pyre, if you will. Cemetery, yeah. Because I don't like that when you're walking along the streets in January and you just see one discarded on a pavement looking all sad. Yeah, on its side. Yeah, I don't like that when you're walking along the streets in January and you just see one discarded on a pavement looking all sad. Yeah, on its side. Yeah, I don't like that. Unless it's, you know, directions. Yeah, where's it pointing to?

You know when they say burglars leave things outside people's houses marking the house? You could have like a Christmas tree pointing at the house that doesn't lock its windows. So you've got to be careful. So I spin them round. Well, it's difficult for you in the S&M community because you know what pampas grass means,

but you don't know what a discarded tree pointing at someone's house means. It could be anything. No, exactly. That is complicated. I think you're thinking of the swinging community. How dare you? I'm sorry. It's a very different kettle of fish, that one.

Is it? Oh, yes. How is the kettle dare you? I'm sorry. It's a very different kettle of fish, that one. Is it? Oh, yes. How is the kettle of fish? It was interesting. It was a website called Plenty of Fish, I believe. Oh, is there? Yeah. And the interesting thing was that,

as Emily said, my son came with me and his friend Jude, and they took Emily's dog for a walk. Ray. And I've given all the names and Buzz had took Ray for a walk a couple of days before

with me and Emily during which he said you know this is the best walk I've been on since 2016 did he? hold on a minute you You're only six. You've got nostalgia. Easily forgotten that he's got that file of facts. Also, can I say, Al, what a great quote

for someone who does a dog walking podcast. Quotes don't get better than that. OK? I had no idea he kept a journal. But what a thing to come out with. Best walker I've been in since 2016 oh good it really made my day there

that was really quite a compliment was this the best walk do you think he enjoyed this walk well I think what happened was his friend I think you said be careful of other dogs so his friend every time a dog came within

20 feet went, dog! Which was, I might try it walking around London going ruffian! Every time somebody's slightly threatening. I'll do it when I say, surgery! Poor dog.

Don't do that around Chelsea. Imagine going out with someone who shouted other woman really loudly when one got close but yeah

so every time a dog got close I got an aide-memoire I got anxious about it I must admit when they're on

an extendable lead I mean what can you do oh yeah so sorry I was going back to the S&M but I also going back to the S&M. But I also, I went to see, I went to the pictures this week.

The moving pictures? Yes. Not an art gallery? No, I went to the pictures to see Stan and Ollie. Oh, well gel. The new, what does that mean? It means very jealous. Very jealous. Oh, OK.

The gel in it is short for jealousy. Yeah, I imagine there was some sort of... I go jelly bag sometimes. I thought there was some sort of gel that formed on the inner surface of a well that was scraped off and used maybe as a skincare. But then, yeah. You like things like a well.

You'll always go medieval if possible. Is a whale medieval? Yeah. It's about old school. Whale. I feel a bit complicated about the Stan and Ollie film because I haven't seen it yet and I'm a big fan of theirs. But you're about to tell me about it.

But there aren't actually going to be any real spoilers because I know about them. Yes, exactly. I won't. I like I'm a big fan of theirs. It just sounded quite like they were U2 or something. I am. I'm a big them. Yes, exactly. I won't, I won't. I'm a big fan of them. It just sounded quite like they were you too or something. I am a big fan. Yes.

Was it a posh event or just, you say pictures. Were there celebrities there? I'll tell you what happened. Mackenzie Crook was there. Oh, yes. I think. What do you mean? Mackenzie Crook was there oh yes I think what do you mean well I went up to

extraordinary beginning to a story it's very hard I don't know how you do it I already feel tense about this story I don't know how you do inverted commas on the radio but I went up to ping Mackenzie Crook

ping and said I really love Britannia. Do you know Britannia that was on Sky? About, like, pre-Roman Britain. I really loved it. And he plays the druid. And as I went up to him,

I thought, it was Mackenzie Crook that played him, wasn't it? So I said, you were in Britannia. And he went... And this woman he was with, I'll just call her his lady friend I don't know what the status was

she really laughed and he said oh I wish I was oh no and I thought is it not him maybe it's not him and I didn't then want to say

are you Mackenzie Crook because he did really look like him and so I said oh well you know I didn't then want to say, are you Mackenzie Crook? Because he did really look like him. And so I said, oh, well, you know. I don't know if he thought, are you in Britannia? Was it some sort of secret Brexit greeting or something? But Catherine said to me, there's Mackenzie Crook. And I said, I must tell him how much I love Britannia. So then when I went off and I went back to him, I went Crook, and I said, I must tell him how much I love Britannia. So then when I went off, and I went back to her,

and I said, you told me that was Mackenzie Crook. No, but she's done that to me, Frank. And she said, it definitely is. I said, I don't think it is, so I still don't know. So if Mackenzie Crook or anyone who knows him is listening, or a bloke that looked like him, I'd love, please let us know. Because it was hashtag orcs.

Oh, I'm dying to know who it was now. Yeah, well, it might have been him, but why would he have reacted like that? Have we discovered, did you and Kath Google

and discover whether he was in? No, he was definitely, he played the head druid. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, but, it really looked like him. Also, I mean, I love Mackenzie Crook,

but it's not like saying to someone, aren't you Johnny Depp, is it? If you're going to be brutal. So, you know, it was very Orcs. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I think we've got to the bottom of things here. 573 and 111 have both texted. I think you'll find it was Charlie Cooper.

One adds, with his sister Daisy, Google him. Charlie Cooper of this country fame. They don't continue with that. I'd be surprised if it was him. Charlie Cooper of this country fame. I'd be surprised if it was him. Because my partner was insistent that it was Mackenzie

Cooper. And she actually manages Daisy and Charlie Cooper. That would be a worrying state of affairs. If she hadn't recognised him from six feet away and he hadn't even spoken to her. There are stories of distracted agents in show business. I know, but that would have been a weird occurrence. If I'd have cut Alvarez, it would have been Charlie,

who she actually managed. I mean, unless that was... Kath was throwing shade in some way, but that doesn't seem her way. No, no, I think we can... That's one line of inquiry. We know it's definitely not him. Or we can close. It's a pity, because I thought when you said that. We know it's not, definitely not him. Or we can close.

It's a pity, because I thought when you said that, I thought that's it, we've solved. I even got Kat to ask the company that made the film, Babyco, to ask, because she knows people there, if Mackenzie was at that thing. And what did they say? They said they didn't know. Oh.

Well, I mean, for goodness. What is he just rolling on invited? Real Scarlet Pimpernel character. I don't know. I've been reduced to Google image searching Frank Skinner, Stan and Ollie. Okay. I found lots of pictures of Alan Carr in a trench, but none of... Alan Carr in a trench?

There's no way of breaking it to me. He could have said he was missing, first of all. Anyway, can I say, it's a very fine film, and I cried, I cried like a big baby. Oh, do you have to pay? Sorry, I didn't have to pay. I didn't cry that much. It was a weird thing.

I saw Steve Coogan. It was definitely Steve Coogan because I said to him, so is it any good, this film? And he said, I'll be honest with you, I'm the best thing in it. Did it? So that was definitely Steve Coogan.

I can guarantee that. But I was also, it was a bit weird because I was carrying three pairs of shoes. Were you? Because we arrived there a bit early, so Kat said, let's go to TK Maxx. Well, I hadn't been to TK Maxx for years. Some real bargains in there.

There are. Breaking news here on Absolute Radio. It's not like John Barrowman. He's a big fan of TK Maxx. Is he? Well, what he does when I said something like, oh, I like your jumper, he went, TK Maxx of TK Maxx. Is he? Well, what he does when I said something like, oh, I like your jumper.

He went, TK Maxx, TK Maxx. He points at all his items of clothing and tells you where they're from. So I bought, yeah, three pairs of shoes, which I had to carry with me at this screening. Did you? She'd have brought a bag in there as well, really. I'll tell you what I did, which is a bit, I bought, when I got one of them home,

I thought, they're tied them on, they fit me lovely. I got them, they were ten and a half. I take a nine. Yeah, you bought the wrong size of shoes. But they fit me. Oh, you've been wearing the wrong size. They feel comfortable. Strange conversation.

But there's two inches at the front, unoccupied by my toes. What's in it? I thought it might be handy for a defibrillator. Oh, yeah. Can I tell you, I went to Iona, you know the Scottish island of Iona? Population 161. Wow.

It's a lovely fact, that. I was in an establishment there, and they had a map on the wall, and it was the defibrillator map of Iona. Oh, yeah. So you could get to one. It's a bit bleak. What's that? Were you speaking then?

I thought you were being sick. Expiring. Expiring? I'm not down to that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. That reminds me. You know, showbiz is a fickle business at the best of times. Apparently so, yeah.

I always get a slight burst of pride when I see myself in the newspaper described as just Frank Skinner with no explanation of who I am. Right. Oh, really? So that sort of assumes people just know me. You know, tremendous news.

If they say... Oh, do you see that as something of a... Not a slight, but it's a slight downgrade if they say... If they say Brom-y three lines, then it's thinking, you know, people need help. It's like sometimes people would say to things, you just do a piece to camera saying, don't forget to text in and send your contribution,

like some charity. And they say, can you start by saying, hello, I'm Frank Skinner. My heart always sinks. But anyway, I saw a fabulous example of it this week, of the fickleness of showbiz and how soon they forget. Some of you may be aware, I won't name names, but

a certain well-known goalkeeper was accused of doing an impression, accused, I say, of doing an impression of a well-known fascist leader from the 30s and 40s. Right. And it said in the Independent,

actually, it said he the Independent, actually, it said he was accused of doing an impression of former dictator of the German Reich, Adolf Hitler. I thought you have to tell people who that is. Oh, that Adolf Hitler. That one. I thought, what? If his publicists read that, they would be ashamed of themselves. Not that their publicist has done the best job,

if I'm going to be absolutely straight. I mean, not in a positive way, but he really is. I think we can safely say he's a man who needs no introduction. Exactly. Yeah, he's well established. Yeah. And indeed is a publicist's nightmare, I think. Yeah.

PR disaster, that. Not PR. One of the things that... A TR disaster? Well, thank... Third Reich. Sorry. Take it into lighter areas.

Yes. It's great. Good luck. Okay, absolutely brilliant. There's some... They do this with Madonna. Again, everyone knows Madonna. You don't need to say the material girl.

No. Not now. No. I mean, you know, come on. No, you don't. No, people know Madonna, surely. The conical bra shape, you know, they always refer to that. I still don't like Kylie being called pint-sized pop star.

I think she's bigger than that. No, you're right. She's bigger than that. Yeah. Well, she's not. She's not a pint and a half, isn't she? 4'11". I don't know.

I don't know what she is in metric. But anyway, this is going to break now. Just in case, I don't want to startle anyone with music. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website and now you can find us on Instagram

at Frank on the Radio literally now in the last few moments that's been what will they think of next actually no I'm no expert on social media

but I'm told Instagram's social media but I'm told Instagram's a bit nicer than Twitter yeah I think I did once

I logged on to a thing called Instagram oh yeah but that's another story yeah for a late show

maybe I don't know who I think yeah Wayne Rooney's a follower by the way the Laurel and Hardy film features the song Commencing Dancing, do you know that?

Oh, yes. Which is when they do a very famous comic dance, which is a short sequence of Laurel and Hardy that I used to show to women I'd started going out with as a test to see whether or not... Because you've got to have a test, I think, when you're starting going out with someone. I think that's important.

And you're also watching the soft-shooter for Laurel and Hardy. I wouldn't set it up as a test, obviously. I'd just say, oh, have a look at... And show them this dance. You're not setting it up very up as a test, obviously. I'd just say, oh, have a look at it, and show them this dance. Thus setting it up very much as a test. And if they didn't laugh, then I knew that we could never be truly together. Right. I understand those deal-breakers.

Yeah, I think everyone... You've got to have them. It would be interesting, actually, on 8, 12, 15, to see if any of our... You know, maybe on Instagram. Or why not MySpace? I'd like... No, it's all goths. Does MySpace still exist? I don't know. When I was on it, though, it was me.

You were on it? It's the only social media I've ever done. Oh, you really picked well. It's not when you got that Betamax. It was me and 300 goth teenage girls, as far as I could tell, which is... Possibly a few other comics.

Yeah. But anyway... What? I forgot what I was talking about. Oh, yeah. You were talking about... I'd like to know, and keep it clean,

when you know there's a chance a relationship might work and when you know there's a chance there definitely won't. I mean, as you may know, I once split with someone because they described Nick Hornby's fever pitch as a novel, where it is clearly non-fiction. So, you know, it can be. And I had the gentleman who called me, referred to me as Dino

in the bedroom. There you go. Gone. Yeah, he was gone. And a friend of mine finished with the man because when he got into bed with her,

he used to put his hands together in a sort of diving into the water thing and dive into bed like that as a bit of comedy. So it can be all sorts. On the flip side, on my first date with my wife, she drunkenly went to point at something in a shop window

and smashed her head off the window. And I thought, I think she might stick around. Yeah, that's a keeper. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's a lovely story. What about the man who said Zanny instead of Zany? Was that a man you went out with?

What did you say I went out with for two hours? Zanny. Zanny? He goes, she is so Zanny. I said, yeah, I'm okay. Oh, I like him. Literally, I was out the door. I know these sound harsh, but the truth is...

I like him. I'm really sad about him. Do you like Zanny? The truth is... Do you wish Zanny was in my life? Fuck him. I think I'd submit with someone who said zany, even if they said it,

even if they got it right. But it sounds harsh, but we've probably all been dumped for similar transgressions, minor transgressions, where we just think no, I don't... If anyone has dumped us for minor transgressions, don't text in on 8't if anyone has dumped us for minor transgressions don't text in

on 8.15 well obviously most of the people who dumped me in the early days are no longer with us absolute absolute

radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio come on okay okay calm down we're just finishing

a cashless you're not paid for silence I was trying my best to let you consume Chris Come on. Okay, calm down. We're just finishing it. You're not paid for silence. I was trying my best to let you consume crisps on her. This is no place for the Pinterest. Frank, we're getting so much love for our Instagram account, which has just been set up. Someone said, ooh, very 2019. Wow, no one's ever said that to me.

And that was from Art the Comedy. Unless they were pricing one of my outfits. Is it gush to discuss how much love we're getting for the social media? Feels a little gush. A little bit, but I'm okay with that. I'd like to discuss the Golden Globes. Oh, that's what Mark Little said this week. Oh, no, he didn't. I did wonder as I week. Oh, no, he didn't.

I did wonder as I was... Oh, no, he didn't. He'll have to Google it, guys. We can't talk about it. Yeah, but not with family around. No. It's kind of a photobombing news story. Last time we discussed photobombing,

I think I pointed out that I thought that the moon was the ultimate photobomber, because it's in the back of all those Taj Mahal. Oh, yeah. Taj Mahal itself is a bit of a photobomber, I find. I bet Red Arrow's done a bit of photobombing in their time. Yes, yeah. Good point.

Take it back. Their 17th century stuff was... Oh, what? Horseback. Yeah. Yeah. But there's's with the red white and blue

ribbons coming off the backs of the horses instead of the now popular what is that steam

yeah chemtrails oh no don't get into that don't have people texting about that no of anything

yeah okay anyway this Golden Globes... Yes, there's been a lady who has been giving out bottles of water. You might think that's not a news story, but... PG Water Girl.

In 2019, that is a news story. She's in the background of some photos. If this is a scandal, would it be known as Watergate? Oh, Trey Bond. Come on. Apparently it's been used. Just come through on ticker type.

Can I just say that photobomber becomes meme is the most 2019 headline ever. She has... Is it the end of news? Well, she was... She was actually employed to hydrate and refresh talent.

We'll be in there, dear. Yeah. And... She was called Kelleth Cothbert. That's right. That's one of those names you like, Frank. Kelleth Cothbert. I mean, not Kenneth. Kelleth. Which is a shame in a way, because I'd like to know

how often she gave out the water. Well, um... What's the frequency, Kelleth? Oh, lovely. But I bet her dad is called Kenneth. You reckon? And I bet he thought, oh, what I'll do. I'll do like, you know, George Foreman had a daughter called Georgette and all that.

And of course, who could forget Your Majesty? I bet you her dad is called Kenneth and he thought, well, I can't call her Kenneth, so I'll sort of use the beginning of a girl's name and then make it Kenneth. But I'd have thought she's a model, apparently. Well, everyone's a model in the world. Oh, I'm not. Are they?

Oh, don't put yourself down. I don't think that... No, no, I was actually putting myself up. Now, she... It's interesting because the Hollywood community is a very self-righteous, you know, and they'll get up and they'll talk about saving the planet and the empowering of women,

and then they'll reach round and take a plastic bottle of water from a pretty promotions girl. Yes. And there's a lot of that goes on there. They really are the most terrible people. I mean, they are. You know, I'm sort of in awe of their stardom. But, God, I mean, imagine being part of that.

Imagine the banal awfulness. Next week on The Most Terrible People, Frank Skinner's most terrible people I would so watch that to be fair he does give Kim Jong Un

an easier time than the Hollywood people so well Kim Jong Un you know I wouldn't say he was a hypocrite I think

what you see is what you get imagine in fact I want to put together a photo montage of him with what you see is what you get. Imagine. In fact, I want to put together a photo montage of him with what you see is what you get over the top of it. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So we were discussing the Golden Globes. Yes. And what's her name? Kelleth someone or other. What's her name? Kelleth something.

Kelleth Cuthbert. Is it Kelleth Cuthbert? Yes. How could you forget? Very good. Again. Showbiz. Showbiz.

Short memories. And apparently part of it is that she was in the background on the red carpet in a blue dress and so people are fixated on the blue dress. I would argue it's become the most famous blue dress since Monica Lewinsky's in America. Which is unfortunate because the design is somewhat controversial. Is it?

It's Marquesa. Pardon? She did not wear Marquesa to a red carpet event. She did. I don't know what that means. I might talk to you about it off air, just to see if it's okay. I don't know what the technical term for this is in 2019, but had she been playing, would she have got this kind of publicity?

It's very 1950s for her, isn't it? Well, haven't heard that use since playing Jane Superbrain. There you go. Oh, yes. There you go, but, yes. There you go. But I don't think so. I mean, she is, like I say, she's a classic pretty promotions girl, which you'd think would be just gone.

But I think, I mean, she did do that thing, didn't she, of saying, well, I couldn't believe it. Everyone came out of the venue at the end of the night and said, you've gone viral. You're everywhere. And I think she was as surprised as a fox, that one. She knew what she was doing. She was going blue steel straight to the camera.

I must say, I've come out of a few venues and gone viral over the years. Welcome to Instagram, Craig. Also, I had a look at... This story, I mean, to be fair to this woman, it did get me reading about the Golden Globes in general, which I wouldn't normally. She ended up on James Corden's show.

Goodness. She got an extra 150k on the followers front on Instagram. Oh, I thought you were going to say that's what she got paid to go on the James Corden, well she was made a brand ambassador officially for Fuji Water Off Door, well what could be better than that the ambassador spoils us

anyway here's one of the categories I noticed in the 2019 Golden Globes and I wrote it down because my memory isn't what it was. Best performance by an actress in a supporting role in a series, limited series, or motion picture made for television. I don't know who won it, because to be honest,

I never got to the end of the award title. But I mean, for goodness sake, shut up about it. And also, this thing about a motion picture made for television. Is the phrase motion picture ever used outside of an award ceremony? No. If I said to you, do you fancy going to see a motion picture on... Has he got auto cue?

That would be a deal breaker. Yeah, well, exactly. Have you had any deal breakers? Well, we have had one. Deal breakers, I should say, in case you've just switched on. When you start going out with someone and they say or do something and you think, no, this can't possibly be a partner for me. Like the man who said Zanny to no, this can't possibly be a partner for me.

Like the man who said Zanny to me, who Alan seems to be a fan of. I'm a fan. 1-0-9. Just to point out, I'm not this shallow now. I'm much older. She says apologetically. I don't know if that was you talking.

No, as if I'd say that. It was either of those things. It was a first date. I watched him pull up in his car. He got out. He was wearing grey plastic slip-on shoes. At the time, it was the worst thing ever. We didn't see each other again.

That's from Joella. They could have been his driving shoes. Yeah. Well, that's a deal-breaker in itself. I own a pair of driving gloves and I quite often put my belt on drive setting,

as you know. I do like that. Can I be honest? I really, I sympathise with you, Joella, because shoes has been a big issue

in my life. Oh, has it? Men in my life. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, a pair of shoes can really break me.

I think you can judge people by their shoes more than any other surface thing. Well, you know, obviously if they've got a tattoo that says death to all skinheads on their forehead, then you've got to be careful. I struggle with a man in a pointy shoe, for example.

Oh, yeah. Always have. We had another... Just don't trust him. We had another deal breaker. It's emailed entitled, it didn't work out, dot, dot, dot. The first date once reviewed the then newly released Hobbit film as a bit Lord of the Rings-y.

No second date. Fair point, mate. That person knows a motion picture. When they hear one. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I think I'd be really sad if I was actually an American celebrity that was at the Golden Globes about how this has gone viral. Because if you think about it...

There were British celebrities there as well. I'm sure there were British celebrities. My name is David Budd. I'm a police officer. He was there. But if you think about it like you've been quite outspoken about how boring water is Frank. This person has become

a new sensation above all these famous people for giving away water. I know. How uninteresting are the celebrities if you can give away water, not even gravy or lemonade or... That's the sort of thing Jesus did. It's unlikely that they'd be giving away gravy at the Golden Globes, but... Yeah.

Well... Jesus didn't give away wine. Oh, did he not? What, did he give away wine? Yeah. If she'd done that... That's much better. If she'd changed the water into wine...

She should have done that. Not Keller. No, it's not her thing. No, she doesn't have that in her game. Is the water from Fuji? Do we know? I don't know. I doubt it.

It is, I mean, I don't want to praise any products. I'm not going to say that. Have you tried it? Fuji? Yeah. It is, it's my favourite. I must say I've never heard of it. Well, it's very high end.

Oh, OK. Oh, that came out all wrong. It's popped you in your place, hasn't it? Yeah. You with your tap. That's the water you like, isn't it? I'll tell you what, I bought a soda stream this week. Did you?

Yeah. And joined Instagram. Yeah, I mean. Keeping it real. Welcome to the 21st century. Did you only buy a soda screen? Yeah. How lovely.

How was it? Why don't you tell us about this by fax? Well, I'll tell you what happened is that we got it. Because to be honest, I went to my Andrew and Charles flat and he got one. Right. Why's he got one? He just likes them. Anything he gets, you have to get.

They're very competitive together, the two buddies. I don't think it was that. I think Kath and Boz were both very impressed. Boz saw it as like close-up magic. Right. To be honest, for some reason, one ecological thing we've really embraced is the anti-plastic bottle thing

in our head. Yeah. And so, Kath got six bottles of fizzy water this week in plastic and I thought, no, this has got to stop. Think of the oceans. That's what I thought. Billy, the 11. And

let's not be specific, but anyway. I thought I'm going to go Amazon Prime. That's what I thought. So I thought I'm going to go Amazon Prime. That's what I thought. So it's arrived. And Kath, do you ever get this with things that are bought? Especially gadgets, I think.

I've done it with clothes. She tried it. First of all, she did the fizzing. And then she couldn't get the bottle off the sort of stand. Oh, yes. And then after she'd struggled she asked me to have a go and in the end I got it off and I don't know how I got it off, what the technique was

and then it wasn't fizzy enough and then the next time I saw it, it was in a real it was in a corner of the kitchen with things in front of it it's like she's already decided well that was a mistake and we won't use that again. No second chances

for the SodaStream. That's a shame. Now, I've got to rescue it because, I don't know how much it was, I'll have to ask my PA, but it was I'm sure it wasn't cheap. And so I think it deserves a second go. Oh, definitely

fine. Have you guys got one? No. Well, get with it. It's 2019, love. You haven't. Get with it. Yeah, I suppose you get plastic bottles of fizzy water. What's it called?

Fuji. Does that come in a plastic bottle? Fuji. I mean, it's a lovely water. I will find out if they do it in glass. Does it come in a plastic bottle? Of course it does. All waters do.

Then I will not have it in my house. All waters do. They don't. I know. Got a Nutribullet. Does that count? That's a gadget for drinks, but it's not fizzy drinks, granted. What does it do?

It's like a juicer, blender thing. Lovely. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, I've got a masher. I've got an hairstylist. What is that, a coffee maker? No, that's for my hair. Oh. Yeah, I don't know if styler what is that a coffee maker no that's for my hair

oh I don't know we should just list our gadgets let's see what gadgets we've got you were you were

in U3 what about boss has got completely obsessed with stop motion photography has he he's got this

thing on his head 20 quid is he going to move into the motion picture business the motion picture

industry I think you might. The motion picture industry, I think you'll find. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Gavin has got in touch with some SodaStream advice and other things I never thought I'd be saying

in this year of my life. But nevertheless, stick with it, Frank. It saves loads of plastic. I didn't think mine was working well as it wasn't fizzy enough, but you need to press down enough for the bubbles to get to the bottom of the container to get the fizz into it. Okay. Because in the space of a week, I've had a SodaStream fizzy water that wasn't fizzy and a tomato ketchup that was incredibly fizzy. I've tried it, it exploded in my hands.

Yeah. So the world's upside down, that's all I'm saying. But I do think sometimes with a new gadget like that, it's easy to not be assertive enough with it, like just to be a bit tentative and not press it. I lack confidence. You've got to be more alpha about it. It's a problem with the elderly.

We're intimidated by it. And the young. Sometimes I say to my son, you happen to it. Just grab the thing. That's a good one. I'm going to remember that. I happen to it. Yeah, I mean, it's not happening to you, is it? No. It's a solar stream. It's inanimate. No, good. That's a good motivational speech

for a man with a black eye. Gave it a bit of extra oomph, I thought. Can I ask one question about the Globes before we move on? Why, in the age of equality that we live in now, do we still have best actor, best actress, best supporting actor, best supporting actress? Why are they in separate categories? It's not like tennis, where you think,

OK, well, Venus Williams is great, but there is just a physical thing that would make it unfair. They should just have best actor. So we don't even use the term actress normally, no? So just have best actor. Best actor in person. Just best actor. Best pretender.

Yeah, OK. Best reader of others. Then there'd be people from, you know, the benefit office and all sorts of people. Right, confidence tricksters. Yeah, exactly. And you could have best reader. Getting awarded. Best reader of others' words.

Right. Well, I think you're undermining the great art of acting. He doesn't want to upset the Doctor Who fans. Am I allowed to, in the sense that I've got diplomatic immunity, having been born into actors, I'm allowed to be rude? I know, but that's just bitterness. That doesn't work. It doesn't make any sense, does it?

Do you think they bought the awards as, like, a job lot and they've got tonnes of them, so if they streamline it and go, best show-off, let's say, they only have to give out one. That's bitchiness as well. Best actor and best actress. No, best actress,

because I thought we weren't even supposed to say actress anymore. No, you're not, it's actor. Female actor. No, it's just actor. But they don't say that. They say best performance by an actress in a supporting... It's out of date. It really is.

It's like, you know... And this is a man with a soda stream standing up. Exactly. OK? Exactly. I nearly went for slosh poppies as a toss of a coin. Shall we bring back the slosh poppy? If anyone can offer any explanation

as to why we should have Best Actor and Best Actress, I would love to hear it on 8.12.15 or Instagram. Mm-hm. Or on the Radiogram, if someone sends it in vinyl. I also wanted to bring your attention to a couple of texts that we had last week. I'm going to call this a new feature called Loose Ends. Oh, good.

Maybe I'm not. Maybe that's not the right feature. What about last week's messages? Gone but not forgotten. But do you remember... Yeah, gone but not forgotten. that's not the right feature. What about last week's messages? Gone but not forgotten. But do you remember? Yeah. That's a good idea. Anyone on 8, 12, 15 got a nice title for a bit, for a feature in which you look back on stuff.

Gone but not forgotten. From last week. Yeah. Well, we were discussing, we were doing one of our running features. Text today. Where we were playing around with the idea of veganuary and then things that you eat or don't eat for one month.

Yeah, veganuary does exist, apparently. It does, yeah. You're supposed to go vegan for a month. And that springboarded us to a few things. And we got a couple of texts in, didn't we? We did. About things. Somebody texted, I'm only eating berries in February.

I like it. Prisoner 606, good work. I like it. Prisoner 606, good one. I like it. Could you live on berries? I suppose you could, you'd be like a gatherer. A bit like Stig of the Dump, did he eat berries? What did he eat? I know so little about his diet.

I think he ate soil. He's one of my favourite characters. Food that was left in tins, I imagine. You know, the sort of remnants that people didn't rinse out back then. I reckon that's what Stig has. I might try him. He would have smelt a bit, wouldn't he? I think so.

That would have been my deal-breaker. I might try Stig at the dump on my son. Has he been undermined by Stig being on Top Gear? Maybe. Maybe. I'm worried there might be funny things in that book. I don't know. I haven't read it for a long time

Did anyone when Stig was sacked use the headline Domp of the Stig? Maybe not Anyway, sorry, you were saying Mushrooms Only in September was from Prisoner 646 September with a CEP

That is good Well Well, when that came in last week, you guys liked it, and I am slightly embarrassed to say that I don't get it. I don't get it. Don't know the sex. It's a type of mushroom. Oh, is it? Poshomushroom. Well, I'll tell you the truth.

That's been plaguing me, not getting that joke for a week, and I've refused to Google it. Good lad. And to add to my plaguing, I got in the car the other day, and my wife had left the car on Radio 2. Gah. Yeah. Not absolute. And that joke was read out by Ken Bruce on Radio 2. So whoever sent us it has obviously thought, well, they didn't read it.

Maybe I'll just chuck it into a different radio station. You are joking. I mean, it's all right for us to reuse our stuff in other formats, but surely, surely the listenership... I felt so special and I don't any longer. Yeah, I mean, outrageous. We didn't read it out, though. We have now, though.

Yeah, that's just like going out with another person after you've been dumped. I think that's fair enough. I don't despise them for that. No, Ken Bruce. Wow. I wonder who else got it, though. It does make you think.

Oh, it'd be all across all the channels. Have we got Howard Stern? We got our mushrooms only in a September. Yeah. Well, we all love mushrooms, guys. Have we got to the bottom of Mackenzie Crook, guys? Oh, somebody texted us suggesting that he's currently got a shaved head. Oh, I bet that'll be if he's doing Series 2 of Britannia.

He has a bald head at the Moor from 011. 011. He has a bald head, yeah. Well, it's not him, then. No. Are you sure he wasn't bald? If that's true. He definitely wasn't bald.

I don't know how to say. McKen's mistook. That's what I call him. I say McKen's mistook. Hmm. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

Oh, yes, sorry. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show at 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, and as from today, you can find

us on Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Instagram! Our radio show is really grammable, yeah? That's a phrase that people use about Instagram, Frank. Oh, is it? Yeah, yeah. There's an enormous piece of graffiti as you drive into the West End at the moment

that said, the French protest got results. You lot are just Instagram addicts. Oh. You lot. Who's you? That's us. Yeah, I suppose.

Are we you lot? Everyone, yeah. Oh, OK. Boys, I'd like us. Yeah, I suppose. And we're you lot. Everyone, yeah. Oh, OK. Boys, I'd like to talk about something I missed. Because occasionally I hear about a performance of something I missed and I regret it for the rest of my life. Live Aid was one. Sounds healthy, yeah.

Could have gone. Could have gone, didn't it? Could have gone. Yeah, I knew people. But on balance, you were at Nebworth. I was at Nebworth. Which, you know. Oh, OK. Which makes me a you were at Nebworth. I was at Nebworth. Which, you know... Which makes me a hero in Matt Ford's eyes.

And mine. What do you think the most impressive thing you were at is? Oh, that's a harder thing. You know, when something happened. I think being at a party, having to make small talk with Salman Rushdie during his difficult period. Oh, yeah.

You can say fatwa, I think. Am I allowed? I think so. I don't think you can say fatwa. I think you have to say big bone. It was a different time, wasn't it? A different time. We didn't know then.

In terms of events, yeah, Nebworth was pretty good, I would say, backstage in Nebworth. Events, yeah. OK, you guys think amongst yourselves whilst I tell you. Do you have one? I was at the 2012 100 metres when Usain Bolt won that. Oh, come on.

Wow. That's good. But obviously that was a much briefer event. Wait, rip-off, that is. Yeah. I was at the Salford Lowry last year, But obviously that was a much briefer event. Rip-off, that is. I was at the Salford Lowry last year and we saw a production of 12 Angry Men starring Tom Conti. And on the way out, my mum went, that main guy really looked like Tom Conti, didn't he?

I loved them. I stopped at the Lowry Hotel and saw then Man United star Owen Argreaves driving a new Mini. Footballer! In a new Mini. Come on. How about when you saw Arsene Wenger

eating an apple with a knife and fork? I know. That's my best sighting ever. In Cape Town. Yeah. That is a big one. Which I think is the home of the apple. You knife and fork. I know. That's my best sighting ever. In Cape Town. Yeah. That is a big one. Which I think is the home of the apple. You eat Cape apples.

Yeah. It's the home of the apple. Yeah. Isn't it? Well, I think of it, you know. This performance. Obviously, it certainly wasn't in the 70s when we couldn't eat South African fruit.

No. I remember my first piece of post-apartheid South African fruit. And I still was a bit anxious about it. Wasn't quite sure. Bad timing as well, Frank, because that was the Beverly Hills Diet was all the rage. Is that right? Yeah. It's just oranges and pineapples.

Anyway, the performance I'm referring to, which you may or may not be familiar with, was the performance of Jack and the Beanstalk at the Neald Community and Arts Centre in Chippenham. Oh, yes. It was put on by a production company called Ouar Productions. Are they from the West Country? Well, I don't know. I immediately went straight to Pirate Alan in...

Oh, yes. ..who you were talking about not so... I don't know if he was a pirate, Frank. Pirate Alan in oh yes who you were talking about not so I don't know if he was a pirate Frank Pirate Alan now Alan there is a character

in Treasure Island called Alan and there's a bit where Long John Silver says I think they've killed Alan what who

I thought maybe he'd had a sort of a premonition of something that was going to happen in 1968. But anyway, there we are. Anyway, who are our productions? Yeah, who could run that? Eric Cantona could be the chief executive officer.

Or Debbie Harry. Debbie Harry? Oh, I know. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah. Okay. But I imagine it's West Country and it's self-referential. Yes.

It's like if I opened a place in, let's say, in Gornall in the West Midlands and I called it, well, what can you, you called it nothing, can you? Productions. It'd be long letterhead. It Productions. It'd be long later heading. It would be but I know what I know. I know what I know. Slightly better than who are.

Well it's like, I like to think if I open a florist's I call it Say It With Triffids. Oh nice. Nice. Can I say Emily Dean starred in the popular BBC dramatisation of Day of the Triffids in 19... Let's leave that.

OK. OK. It's in colour, in case you're wondering. Oh, how? I think the fez is burning a hole in me. New readers should know that the producer places a small fez at the side of me... On the table.

...to signify that I should shut up and press the button, which brings music or adverts. So I'm going to do that now. Hold that thought, as they say. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were talking about UR Productions and Jack and the Beanstalk.

Yes. Which they were forced to offer a full refund of. Well, I think the theatre offered the refund. The theatre did, yeah. Volunteered it, I think. Madness. We should say that the complaints went thus. They said there were only three people on stage.

Well, I mean, you know, waiting for God has got to. I've done shows staffed by a few. Oh, yeah, you have. Thank you. Also, I think me and Al, as soon as we had three people on stage, they were thinking, oh, three ways split,

how much they get. Yeah, a bit crowded. Yeah, exactly. Three people. How dare you? Is this how you tell me? Thanks a lot. You're only,

yeah, there's only three people doing this. Exactly. Also, it's called Jack and the Beans Tour. thanks a lot you're only you know there's only three people doing this for goodness sake there's not one here also it's called Jack and the Beanstalk there's not there's a promise of only one

yeah if it was the Snow White thing oh yeah there were complaints that there was no scenery there was also complaints can I ask a question

do you think anyone has ever watched 101 Dalmatians and counted the Dalmatians. If you don't mind me saying you're the type that would. I can imagine you sort of saying, well, it's 97.

You know, because people, there's those website things where people have spotted the most minor continuity things and stuff like that. Or the stormtrooper banging his head on the... Oh, yeah. ..on the rafter of the spaceship and all that stuff. But I wonder if anyone's counted the...

I mean, the dwarves, you can, you know, seven. But 101, the species are all very similar. Very similar, yeah. Be good to know. Anyone knows that, 8, 12, 15? It'll be on the internet, is my guess. Oh, the internet. But the Panto thing. They also, or somebody complained,

because they said the actors were, there were so few personnel involved, they were forced to talk to people in the wings to make up for the lack of actors. Now, I would argue very strongly that that is quite a well-worn conceit. Before he's off. When the fiends start with the giant, you see the big legs offstage, you see them crashing down, and you hear the fifa-fo-fum.

I did hear that apparently they said they looked off to stage left for the beans to be thrown on and they were thrown on from stage right. Wasn't that just a joke? That sounds like a joke. That sounds not really one of the comments. That's what I heard. Essentially, I would like to defend who our production...

Me too. Do we have an agreement over this? What do we all think? Totally. Incidentally, I once phoned my friend tracy mcclary to tell her that um jimmy cranky who um what's the real name um jeanette jeanette cranky had injured her back i just there's a story i liked and i, have you read this? Jeanette Cranky's injured about falling off a beanstalk in pantomime. And she said to me, you didn't need the in pantomime part of that sentence.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So. Oh, yeah. Please, after you aprevo i was gonna say there's a there's a quote in the story about this um panto that has has not pleased people uh where someone says won't be paying for that again ever no paying for what again? What, panto? That specific...

Or live theatre experiences? No, that... You can't see one bad panto and rule yourself out of live entertainment forever. Is that what they mean, ever? The quotes from the audience, I think they meant that, didn't they? Which, obviously, you won't see it again.

Because it's not on. And they got a refund. I'm not sure about... I definitely wouldn't have gone there. I sense attention from you about this giving of refunds to disgruntled customers. because it's not on. And they got a refund. I'm not sure about it. I definitely wouldn't have gone there. I sense attention from you about this giving of refunds to disgruntled customers. Well.

I'm worried about an audience that I played to in Brighton last year. But I just. I don't want them phoning up. You know how much the tickets were for this? No. Seven quid. How much? Seven quid and people have

moaned it wasn't up to standard well there was also one person who said my kids were bored thankfully I

found the bar you sound like a nice parent lovely also two drinks there's two alternatives even that

you know that's a parent with a drink problem and the kids should be rescued or it's somebody thinking oh I know something that always gets a laugh and that's a parent with a drink problem and the kids should be rescued or it's somebody thinking

oh I know something that always gets a laugh and that's a suggestion oh look I have a drink needed a drink to get through

that one yeah don't do that so yeah I feel for who are productions me too they're just doing

their thing and they've got a production of the 39 steps coming up I notice also probably get complaints yeah saw this there was only one step 3.9 steps doing their thing and they've got a production of the 39 steps coming up I notice also probably get complaints

yeah saw this there was only one step 3.9 steps more like but but seven

quid to see a terrible panter I mean think of the anecdote that's worth seven quid yeah totally there was a production

which we won't name to protect the guilty but that Frank used to go and see went to see a number of times because it was, he enjoyed the badness of it. I can't remember what that was. Oh, I can. I'll tell you off air.

Okay. But there was some... He might be listening. No. I don't, he won't be. No, but it's very hard, isn't it, to put a price on that rarest of all commodities. Something to talk about.

And the people who went to that Panto, probably to every Christmas, I like the way Pantos come back, that story will suddenly be hot again. Yeah, it's a hardy perennial of the anecdotes. I think a lot have been very good and they just didn't get it. Oh.

Okay. Well, we've all faced that crowd, haven't we? Haven't we? Maybe it was, you know, incredibly avant-garde. That's what I think. It was a bit too

arthouse for them. A bit too arthouse if you're saying where's the bar? Yeah, exactly. There was a lady who said... Where's the bar in Stork? There was one lady...

How many characters are in Jack and the Beanstalk? Where's the mob? Jack. There's Jack. I mean, the cow. Just use an old papier-mâché thing. You don't need a real cow.

That's how you tell me. I was enjoying this job. Giant is, you know, it's hard to... Papier-mâché again. Giant's wife again. Or figurative. You can just imagine these people. Figurative. Yeah. A giant is, you know, it's hard to... Papier-Mâché again. Giant's wife again, to be. Or figurative, like you could just imagine these people. Figurative.

Yeah. Encourage your kids to imagine it. They don't need big sets, because there's no set, was there? Are you suggesting your imagination... It's the magic of theatre. Yeah. There was one reviewer who said, I thought it was wonderful.

Oh. Everyone was joining in with the cheering and very loudly booing. She meant well. Yes. But it didn't go. That sounds like a gig I had in Luton about 15 years ago. Is it better or worse than the one in Brighton?

It's significantly worse than the one in Brighton. Oh, it's terrible the way you forget the good ones. Can I just say I've had some good ones? I don't want to do a bad PR message. I know, I know. I've seen you have good ones. I have as well. It's official.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We were talking... Reminiscing to the former dictator of the gym. Anyway. Carry on. You know, we were talking about the... What were the awards? You were talking about the Golden Globes, Frank. Oh the gym. Anyway. Carry on. You know, we were talking about the... What were the awards? You were talking about the Golden Globes, right?

Oh, yes. And the slightly ludicrous categories they have. Well, I just think it's time to get rid of the actress-actor thing and just have best actor. And 672 has said, I agree best actor across the board should be the way to go. Maybe that could free up space to recognise another department. For example, stunts are not recognised at the awards,

so maybe a best stunt coordination award could take its place. That's never occurred to me. Clearly from a stunt person. Or you could go more categories. That could be a stunt person. Clearly a stunt person. I mean, why should it be gender-based? You could have, like, bestess Ginger in a supporting role.

Yeah. Ron Weasley. Yeah. The Ron Weasley Award. We've also had a message... Best star over 25 stone in an independent movie. That would be a strange win, wouldn't it?

Is it any more strange than separating people by gender? 8, 12, 15. Yeah, but imagine if you got nominated for that. Well, you'd know. If you was over 25 stone, you'd know. You might think you were 21 stone. It would just not be a nice way to find out.

I'd like to be there at the weigh-in for that category. I actually weighed the whole radio team on January 1st every year. That's news for the week. I like it. It's a nice ritual. Yeah, I think it's good team on January the 1st every year. That's news for the people. I like it. It's a nice ritual. Yeah, I think it's good and it gives you something to aim at. It helps me set up my smart goals. Alan and I do a bit of beef for the camera, don't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We square up to each other. Yeah, and really stare at each other. Yeah. So, we were also talking about deal breakers, Frank. Oh, yes. Relationship deal breakers. Relations also talking about deal breakers frank oh yes relationship relationship or dating deal breakers and nicks with a camera is one of our new instagram followers oh goodness she's got in touch to say oh look at you on instagram hi there yes i once ended a date early when the lady referred to her recent trip away

as her holly bobs Oh, that is That's from Nicola Yeah, that would do it Yeah I don't know if you can get back from there We've had another one from 403 Deal breaker

After a really nice, brackets, intimate night and day together I wish you hadn't Legends. I wish you hadn't. Legend! I wish we hadn't had brackets. I blame the parentheses. Legend. We parted and she called me Steve.

The issue with that is that my name is Paul. Not so much of a legend now. I was faced with two options, live my entire life with this person as Steve or break up immediately with no further embarrassment I've just thought of a third option come on it's Paul actually well

wouldn't that have been alright they then add I told this story to my best friend in strictest confidence and he duly told everyone I'm still known as Steve to my friends. See, he might as well. He stayed at that purse because everyone calls him Steve anyway. Yeah. I like the fact that he duly told everyone. So many first names in this story.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I once dumped someone years ago because having met them for a date outside a cinema in the dark... Is this you? No. Oh, OK. I'm reading. OK, sorry. This is my reading voice.

You're reading so well. It's so real. I'm very... Yeah, it's one of my few skills. Having met someone for a date outside a cinema in the dark, I hadn't noticed when the lights were turned up at the end of the film, he had baked bean juice round his mouth. Gone by Becky. Wow, Becky. You think that's harsh?

Yes. I don't at all. Has someone turned up with all orange baked bean round their mouth? Oh, disgusting. Also, if I took someone to the cinema, I would hope that would all be licked off by the end of the film. You are awful. And also, it might have been lipstick.

It could have been... It could have been anything. Maybe he had orange. Oh, yes, that's infinitely preferable, him turning up with some other woman's orange lipstick. No, no, but he might have acquired it in the cinema. If he'd had a date with Toya. If he had a Fanta. No, no, but he might have acquired it in the cinema if he'd... If he'd had a date with Toya. If he had a...

A Fanta. Yeah, yeah. And had an orange drink. I recently found, when I was walking past the mirror, some egg on my face. You know the well-known phrase, egg on your face?

Oh, he literally had it. Indicating embarrassment. I think he wrote The Good Food Guide. Yes. I cut off my nose to spite my face recently. No, no.

Honestly, I found egg on my face and I didn't feel that embarrassed. I think it's a wrong phrase. How did your partner feel? I don't know. He wasn't dumb, clearly. He didn't consult her. We don't know that.

He's got a beard. He's got the sleeping on the sofa beard. By the way, incidentally, while're uh riffing i'd like to thank um mr t.a mitchell mr t mr t.a mitchell who sent me on a plane who sent me a um a mug in i can't really describe it in any sort of detail i saw that it's in the shape well it's in the shape of human excrement. I think that's... You've described it very well. With a lid as well, of all things.

Yep. Some sort of poo-stine. It's very kind. Yeah, it's lovely. Kind. It's because I drink tea on the toilet, which some people think is unacceptable. Not me.

Someone also sent me Scratch Man, by the way, which is Tom Baker's new Doctor Who novel. Oh. And I can't think of a more you presently. Well, exactly. I'd also just like to say, Amanda has said her kids did count the Dalmatians and there weren't 101

but they don't show them all together so apparently it's difficult to count no i imagine there's a lot of them it would be quite uh quite hard to spot yeah i mean you see by the way, perhaps you can clear this up. You're science-y, Al, aren't you? No. You're constantly defending science, aren't you? You shouldn't have to defend science. I'm not pro-faith. I'm not science-y.

I would like to be more science-y. I was thinking about astronomical things this week. Well, the cost of. Cost of. So was Al. Yeah, that was a string. But, no, do you remember? Actually, that reminds me.

Do you remember, oh, what was it? Margit. Margit was the mother of the Cheeky Girls. Yes. And when Gabriella started going out with Lemby Opec, she said, oh, they talk about such intellectual things. I heard them the other day talking about astronomy. And I knew what it was because I'd met Lemby Opec,

and he's one of those blokes who believes there's an enormous meteor heading towards the earth which would account for his carpe diem um approach to life in general but anyway um this is something that maybe people could uh email in and explain to him we can sort it out next week it said um that the chinese have landed on the dark side of the moon. Have they? Yeah. It's quite, not people, but they've landed, I think, two craft on the dark side of the moon. It's quite a thing to find out

at 10.52 on a Saturday morning. Yeah. But here's my thing. As the moon revolves, how come there is a dark side of the moon? Yeah. I bet we'll get an email about this. Someone will the moon? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I bet we get an email about this.

Someone will tell us. Yeah, well, I'd like to know the answer. Saying that it's moving less slowly. It's the dark side. The dark side of the moon is sometimes the light side of the moon. Well, maybe they're both spinning around each other. Well, we should have asked old... We were at a party recently and Nick Mason was there.

We should have asked him. I thought you were going to say Brian Cox. No, it's Nick Mason. Well, everybody knows now, of course, it's so fashionable, science. The good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Be seeing you. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. we'll be back again this time next week be seeing you