The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Magic Eye

Episode Date: April 8, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss idiotic eureka moments, magic eye pictures (remember them?) and The Queen's choice of snack.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our little show on 81215, you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Whatever you want to do, it's fine by me. Good morning. Morning. Morning, Frank. I thought you weren't going to join in for a minute, you were just going to do, it's fine by me. Good morning. Morning. Morning, Frank.

I thought you weren't going to join in for a minute. You were just going to leave me here standing on my own. No, no, no. That would have been a bit awkward. Here to help. Morning. You know, we've been here. We get here about an hour before the show. We sit around, we read the papers, we talk like friends.

Yes. We put some bets on. We did this morning. We did. We don't normally put bets on. No. I was at the don't normally put bets on. No. Was that the story we're sticking with then? Generally, I worry about gambling. But I think when it's

the Gran Nationale, you can go for it. What I don't like... Can I say on La Vatican? Yeah, well, if they can't pull it out of the bag, who can? Yeah, La Vatican. they can't pull it out of the bag, who can? Yeah, La Vatican. I make cocktails at dawn.

You can take a horse to Holy Water. A pencil must be light. I don't like the pictures of box and women. I mean, I never thought I'd hear myself saying this. Box and women at Aintree. Oh, all fallen out, drunk and all that stuff. No, I never thought I'd hear myself saying this. Bucks and women at Aintree. Oh, well, fallen out, drunk and all that stuff. No, I don't like it. I don't like it because it's class shaming, thank you.

I think there is a bit of that. I also think... A chorus of disapproval. I'm amazed that we... There's one thing that is a walk down memory lane for me, is that... Well, we know it is, lying in the street. Yeah, but even as a child... Central reservation memories.

In the local paper, there would often be a picture of a line of women kicking one leg in the air. They still do those pictures of women at entry. What's that picture about? It's basically from the old tiller girl type dance troupe.

Oh, like a can-can, Yes, I know what you mean. So they gather them together and they all do a kick. And when it started with a photographer trying to get them all to just stand in a line, but they mutually all got cramp at the same time and felt the need to kick up one leg. Do you think that's how it began? I think that's the same.

That's a million to one shot. I'm a big gambler today. It's like the groom party at the wedding, holding the bride. Have you seen those pictures? In their arms? Yes, you know the ones. Or the handshake with the best man. Yeah, oh yeah.

I like that. I did a bit more than that, but anyway. See you there. True story. I set off for the handshake. Absolutely true story. No, it's the strangest thing, that little, the kicked leg photograph. I mean, they never do it.

You never see, like, you know, the ladies of the European Parliament lined up doing that. They consider themselves to be too serious. Hoity-toity, almost. But a few big girls from Liverpool, get your legs up, great way, come on girls. You know, don't do it. Don't buy into it, that's my...

I'd like it if the royal family did that. Because I think, you know who I think... They do it to the servants. I think Andy would have a high leg kick. He'd get into the spirit of it. No. No? I think Andy would have a high leg kick. He'd get into the spirit of it. No. No?

I think Andy's legs take a bit of lifting. Like a mighty side of ham. I can imagine he's... Like those parma ham you see in the windows. Prince Andrew's thighs. What's the circumference, do you think? 8'12", 15. Let's keep it metric. I know they're a traditional group. What do you think? 8, 12, 15. And let's keep it metric. I know they're a traditional

group. What do you think Frank? Well let me just, let me imagine what a centimetre looks like. I'm going to say that 48 centimetres. Wow. I was going to go 40. Is that a bit Zola Bud 40?

I was at an event with him and when he approached I could hear the of inside toes leg against inside toes leg I think he has Will Carling issues where he can't cross his legs I think they'll cross but I think it's like water lapping against the beach

Well Will Carling's are solid as a rock That's the next track against the beach. Well, Will Carlin's are solid as a rock. That's the next track. I don't know if you're allowed to sing the next track. But Prince Andrews, I think he's got the biggest size

of anyone in the core royal family. Wow. Prince Charles. I don't know about, there might be minor royals. Prince Charles has got a sizeable leg.

No, not with Andrews. Okay. We'll see. Okay. We Charles has got a sizeable leg. No, not with Andrews. Okay. We'll see. Okay. We'll see. We won't see. He's not coming out to the radio station. We've got no way of proving this.

If we could, say if we hacked the files of the Order of the Garter, then obviously they'd have garter dimensions. We could solve the whole thing at a stroke. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what. Do you remember we used to do a thing on the show called Idiotic Eureka Moments? Yes, I do.

Eureka Moment is obviously what Archimedes had in the bath when he suddenly realised something. We've all done it in the bath. And he leapt out and shouted Eureka and it's like when you realise something. In case you didn't know.

You know we'll get loads of people texting us saying what it was that Archimedes realised. Yeah, it'll be something about the square of the hypotenuse. No, it's about the displacement of water equaling the size of an object. Is that what it was? I think so. Well, it makes sense in the bath.

Yeah. Well, I just want to say great name. Archimedes. Yeah. Anyway, so we had this thing on the show. This is years ago for any new readers who've joined us. When you realise much later something that you should have realised straight away. For example, par example, when Maureen Lipman used to do adverts for BT, British Telecom,

her name was BT. It never ever occurred to me until about 10 years later that that was a pun on BT. Yes. You might say it's fairly straightforward. Someone else pointed out, I remember, Sotty and Sweep were both references to, basically, the chimney sweep in business.

I'd never put those two together. Obviously, I'd put them together as a double act, but I'd never got the names. Just the other day, I had walked down memory lane on the Idiotic Eureka moment things because I was listening to some

retro type music and who should be played but Michelle Shocked. Do you remember her? First time it's ever occurred to me that that is a pun on Shell Shocked. Do you remember her? Yes, I do remember Michelle Shocked. First time it's ever occurred to me that that is a pun on Shell Shocked. Oh, me too, Frank. Really?

Really? Oh, now I feel better. You got a triple there. That's fabulous. Rarely do I love that. It was like I can see a triangle that's formed between us. And what she's saying is me, Shell Shocked.

Well, I don't want to stretch it that far because that's a bit like if Tarzan, if there'd been a bomb in Tarzan's area of the jungle and they'd found him crawling out of some smoking trees, a bit of crocodile back on him and he said, oh me

shell shocked, that would be yeah, if she'd found him, say if she'd been doing aid work, Michelle Shock, when she was called... She wouldn't have done aid work. When she was called Nancy Wiseman. Right. Whatever she was called.

Oh, OK, I thought that was good knowledge. He lies sometimes. Yeah. Nancy Wiseman, three kids there are, big travellers, the three Wisemen. And she found Tarzan, he said, you know, Michelle Shock, and she said, you know what, you know what, I kind of like that. That's a great... She thought, I three wise men. And she found Tarzan and he said, you know, Michelle shocked. And she said, you know what? You know what? I kind of like that. That's a great thing. She thought, I'm having that.

She said, I'm having that. Yeah. So that's how it happened. Remember she used to wear like a little cap? Do you remember that? Of course I remember. Michelle shocked. I don't know how I know that. Michelle shocked at this news. Yeah, exactly. So I thought, you know what? I wonder if there's, because our listening figures, I mean, they've gone through,

well, they haven't gone through the roof, but they're certainly halfway up the kitchen wall. Yeah. And there might be new people out there who've had idiotic eureka moments when they've realised things later on. And I love hearing about them because it makes me feel better. I mean, if Michelle Shocked is listening to this now she'll be going

like that into the radio I hope she is I like the thought of it I wonder if she's put a cap on yet and relax And relax. We've had some tweets in, Frank. Adrian Ventura.

Oh. I-Ventura. Didn't he used to work in the animal business? Yeah. He says, I'm embarrassed to say, this is with regards to your call-out for idiotic eureka moments. Not idiotic urethra moments. You've had a few of those.

That'd be awful. You've got a few of those. I'm embarrassed to say, Frank, banoffee pie. It had to be explained to me that it was made from banana and toffee. No. I can see that though because there's something there's something quite not quite right because don't they spell it with an I-E?

Banoffee pie. No, B-A-N-O-F-F-E-E. They do spell it with a double A. I've seen it with an I-E but maybe that's just stupid people. You've gone very dictionary cornering. If you'd only ever read the word banoffee pie and never tasted banoffee pie,

but if you've tasted it once and read it once, then all the work's been done for you there. Well, we all may have known that, but the producer, she shell-shocked. Really? You should have seen the face on her. Really? She didn't know banoffee pie.

She shell-shocked, Hank. But that's one of the joys of Idiotic Eureka moments is when you did get it at the right time and you go, what, really? Just like I did then. You didn't get that. It's the joy of being one of the chosen. It's a bit like when you get a massive lash

from saying a cliche. Get a massive lash. I told you not to talk about that on air. That's between him and his friends in the community when you say something that you think is a phrase but that the other person hasn't heard yet even though that seems like you know you sometimes say oh it's a small world

but I wouldn't like to hoover it and the other person has not you've never heard that? I'm going to start using that I've been saying that for 30 years. I'm going to start using that. I've been saying that for 30 years. Ridiculous. Oh, I'm going to start using that one. Oh, okay.

You see, I know that phrase. It's a small world, but I wouldn't like to paint it. Really? Who paints the world? Who hoovers the world? Well, I don't know either of them. Although you do hear of people scouring the country. That's right.

That'll get rid of some of that really ground-in oil. What do they use? Ajax would do it. We've also had a text, an email rather. Morning team, would you measure Andrew's thigh circumference using the mathematical formula 2 pi d? From David, the maths teacher. Okay.

I'm out. I'm not good enough at maths to get this joke. I'm not good at maths, but would you measure Andrew's thigh circumference? That's the thing that the Queen would say to a bloke called circumference. Who's that there? A circumference? Yes, ma'am. Would you be so good as to mention around

Pensando's thing? What again? Yeah. That's possible. Do you remember when, speaking of toffee, do you remember when toffee, I think it's the only confectionery that came accompanied by a... I love your toffee-based anecdotes. Remember it used to come accompanied by a

small hammer? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So you used to get a sheet of toffee in a tray, an actual metal hammer to break it up with. People are not going to believe. I do remember that. It was so lovely for your teeth. And we used to keep the toffee. We had about five or six toffee hammers lying around the house.

That explains a few things. For very small DIY jobs, you know. Yeah. You know, if you're putting up a shelf in a doll's house, very, very handy. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

Tina Beck has been in touch. Tina Beck? I had a eureka moment when I realised that Amex credit cards were actually American Express cards. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's a bit silly, Billy. I think it's silly. Really?

I mean, I love you, Tina. It comes from the same place as Banoffee's, and it's all about the portmanteau wood. Yeah. Oh, come on, Tina. We go back a long time but come on i think that's fair enough in fact i'm gonna go as far as to say that i'll do nicely uh an email entitled ham exclamation mark my friend's mum was once asked to go and get some ham from the shop when her mum opened the fridge and asked where the ham was, she was directed to some sliced

chicken. She thought ham was a collective name for sliced sandwich meat. Oh. That's more complicated. I don't like our sausage around going, oh. We're struggling to look for a positive

in this bit, aren't we? That was one of those stories where you know when you fall away part of the way through a story and then I think if I missed a bit

if I turned two pages so ham being all the sliced meat all sliced sandwich meat yeah I think you could get through life without that

doing any damage well there's a lot of inconsistencies with meat naming you know I believe it was Harry Hill who pointed out that the hamburger should not be called the hamburger, obviously.

Makes no sense. Because I believe he said beef does all the work, ham gets all the credit. So there's no... Beef must get a hamburger that's got ham in them. Do you? I don't know. It's not really my area. I think it's because they're from Hamburg.

Oh, well, that's fair enough. It could be 9 Berliners. President Kennedy once said. There you go. Bit of politics. That's as political as we get. President Kennedy. That's just about my limit. Oh, I tell you what. You know, we have a few sort of scientific types listening to this.

We do. We do, yeah. I love our science types. Yeah, well, good. They might be able to help me. I tell you what I've been doing just lately. You may know I'm not a man with many acquired skills. I can just about swim.

I mean really just about only in the shallow end etc I can't really ride a bike I can ride one not on the road but I can't really ride one on the road without having a panic attack

can't roller skate etc you've got car driving down I can drive, driving is one of the great achievements of my life. Parking still dominates this show most weeks. Exactly. But I'm just one of those people. But one thing that I fell into

and was quite pleased about was I could do a magic eye. Oh yeah. You know when you look at it and then you just look at all the multicolours and suddenly there's an elephant. Yes. And do you get to it quite quick, the discovery?

Well, I remember the moment I discovered that. It was just great. You basically just don't, you stop doing anything with your eyes. You just let them be eyes. And it just comes out here in a fabulous way. It's very exciting. When you get it, oh, Frank, I remember back in the 90s when I used to do those magic eyes.

It's brilliant. I've never seen anything except dots on these things. Really? You were at the raves in the 90s. All you ever saw were dots. I got to the point where I could look at a person's face, let my eyes relax, and I could see their skull inside their head. Anyway, the other day I was talking,

a friend of mine is a collector of optical illusions, and I was talking to her about some of these various things. You know, like the candlestick with the two faces on. Is this an old woman in a headscarf or a young woman? All those things. And I was talking about the magic eyes. And I thought, you know what? I'm going to go home and I'm going to do a bit of magic eyeing

just to remind me of my glory years. Where did you find them? They're quite hard to get hold of now. Where did you go to? This is the 90s, Sean. Where does one ever go to? I went to the internet. Oh, yeah.

Can't do it on the internet, can you? Well, that's why I want any scientific advisors listening to the show. Because we have quite a few scientists. I don't know why that would be, but we do. And I love it. I love the idea of someone settled down in a lab coat enjoying this. But anyway, so I got my iPad. Other tablets are available.

That's what Pete Doherty told me. And I got up. I think that's the modern phrase. I got up some magic eye puzzles. Oh, and how was it? And I couldn't do them. I could not do them. Your skill only works on papier.

No, you see, yeah? I can only do the hard copy version. I'm wondering if there is something about the nature of the magic eye puzzle that it cannot be done on a screen like that. It has to be on paper. And I'd love to know. If any of our scientific friends know the answer to that, do give us a shout on 812.15.

We've had various idiotic eureka moments, texts in about hamburgers and beef burgers, all sorts of stuff, Frank. I've just had a bit of a slightly demeaning remark from my producer who said, I bet I could do magic eye on life. Did she say that? I heard that, yeah. She says, I think you've just lost your powers. Yes.

Do you think that's true? I believe that did occur to me that something might happen with age where you lose your magic eye capacity well I've never had it

it's one of the things you know I've been warned about so many things about age and nobody mentioned that yeah who knew 221

God I just keep that Eureka it had to be pointed out to me that Will.i.am was William. In my defence, I hadn't seen it written down. That's from Van from Glastonbury. Van Morrison? It could just be a van. Yeah, it could be a van.

But if it is a van, I bet it's got a psychedelic design on it. I wish Van Morrison would text this show. That would be great. Not picking up on Will.i.am. He's not with us. Is he with us anymore? Oh, yeah, he's still around, Van. Oh, goodness for that.

I always worry. Yeah, I think he's in a long-stay car park. Okay. But he's still with us. Good. No, where I am, that's really pushing the boundaries of... Mm-hmm. Well, I don't know what is pushing the boundaries of,

but I can feel it. 062 has texted, Good morning, gang. I was under the impression that beef burgers are made from beef mince and hamburgers are made from pork mince. Kevin, friend, Heathrow. Kevin, you sit on a throne of lies. That's really not true.

Okay. I mean, that's a reasonable assumption. It has to be said. Oh, you and Kev, best pal, suddenly. If you continually ignore your taste buds... What about looking after your friends in the room? But when you buy a beef, pineapple and marjoram sausage, that's what you're going to get, isn't it?

Well, talking of confusing foodstuffs, 152, a friend of mine was convinced that banoffee pie was banana and coffee. So listen to what she did. So she always puts a small amount of instant coffee in the cream. Still has the biscuit base and toffee. Utter madness, but it still tastes nice. And I'm not sure she 100% believes me that banoffee comes from banana and toffee. And then there's some praise.

Thank you very much, Trevor in Dorking. I think that's all right. I think that's a reasonable assumption. You know, offy, don't take the T off toffee if you're trying to avoid confusion. Yeah. Yeah. You know, once you take the T off,

all bets are off as far as what's there before it. Yeah, it could mean offy, as in the off licence. It could be banana and offy. And I like the sound of banana and coffee pie. I mean, I'd have that. It could be a non-alcoholic dessert because you want to ban offy. Ban offy. Yeah, and I could have gone into that thinking,

oh, well, this would be safe for me as an alcoholic and an athlete. And then there'd have been toffee in it. Actually, I think I've come to think of it, that would have been fine. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got some magic eye news just in. Oh, fabulous. Hold on, I'll just relax my focus.

I've always worried, by the way, with the magic eye. Because I noticed this when I held my tablet up to see. There was a slight reflection of me. My face looking at a magic trying to do the magic eye is not good because you just you just stop

you stop driving you basically take your hands off the steering wheel as far as your face is concerned and it was a bit it was a bit sort of

I mean I can't really do it but I didn't look well yeah so remember that if you're if you're on a first date don't do a magic eye it's not a great look

that's my advice. 425 has just texted. Morning, Frank, Emily Cockrell. My boyfriend's just done a magic eye on the iPad. Brackets, well, he claims he has. He's really pleased with himself because he can't normally do them. Maybe if you can do them on paper, you can't do them on a screen and vice versa.

What is that? Yeah, horses for courses. Excellent text there. Now if there's an explanation for that I'd like to, I for one would like to hear it. That's brilliant. We could test that. And then we've got

469. It took me years to realise the significance of the druid's name in the Asterix books who dispenses the magic potion. And his name is Getafix. That's from Richard. Oh, well, I don't really know. I like to think I would have picked up on that quite quickly.

Do you? Well, it seems fairly obvious, doesn't it? It does, but that's the whole joy of the idiotic eerie. I mean, you know, I thought when I said Michelle shocked you to a go, you bomb pot. I don't think that word would have ever come out of my mouth. I love the fact that you hadn't picked up on the shell shocked as well. That made me feel like I was, you know, one of the herd.

You like that, do you? If it's this herd, I don't mind it, yeah. Anything else from the outside world? Yes, Fiona James read an article from 1977 the other day. I like your life. Yeah. That said, C-Facts was a play on C-Facts, F-A-C-T-S. Oh.

40 years it's taken me to realise. I have to say, you know what? I didn't get that. Did not know that. No. Do you think she's one of those hoarders like you get on Channel 5? That's why she read an article from 1976. It's all right.

Okay. My mother-in-law is a great storage enthusiast. That's the way I put it. It's kinder. Yeah. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8, 12, 15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Your choice. Frank, I'd like to talk about the Queen this morning on Absolute Radio. Me too. Okay. How big are her thighs?

I said no, sorry. A lady never tells. No, I wouldn't want to. If someone knew that, they went to tell me, I'd say I don't want to know. You'd nip that in the bud, wouldn't you? It's like broad check. You'd nip that in the zola, I'd like to say. Yeah, I would. Surprisingly, she's not the most low-maintenance of characters.

The Queen? Really? Yes. Oh, I thought she was a very much make-do and mend. Well, you would think so. Au contraire. It turns out she has a bit of a rider when she travels. And on this rider...

We should say, by the way, because rider is bandied around in showbiz circles, a rider is an extra thing that you have on your contract, a sort of demand. Who was the band who famously had smarties with all the blue ones taken? Aerosmith, M&M's. Blue M&M's. M&M's, of course.

You should know, we've been to the M&M's store, Frank, together. We have. I will never forget that experience. But there was no Aerosmith exhibit telling that story. That's a shame. If you ran the store, you would do that, I reckon. Something of an oversight, isn't it?

I'd do it, and I'd also have a big waxwork of M&M. Yeah. The rapper pointing out that his M&M comes from the fact that he's called Marshall Masters. A sort of alternate exhibit. Yeah. the rapper, pointing out that his M&M comes from the fact that he's called Marshall Mathers. A sort of alternate exhibit. Yeah.

That would be somebody's idiotic eureka moment that you've just done there. Oh, maybe. Marshall Mathers and M&M. Yeah. I mean, there is an M&M pun in there as well, surely. What, on the street? He's also a pun in on the street. I don't think he was a confectionery-based pun.

He's not punning on the street. He's a rat guy. He's gotta be. I know he's called it. You know when you say he's gotta be, not everyone thinks like you. Yeah, but he's a wordsmith by trade. There's no way that Marshall Mathers,

although his initials are M-M, there's no way that M&M as a name is still a half pun on M&M's. What about 757 Eureka moment, realising Spag bol is short for spaghetti bolognese and not its own dish? Whoa. Some of these now are,

they're getting a bit borderline phone the police. A bit stick of the dump. Yeah, Spag of the dump. Meanwhile, over in Buckingham Palace... Spag of the bowl would be a nice way of... The sort of thing that the office joker... I wouldn't mind a spag of the bowl today with a Homer Simpson tie-on.

I worry that that's the sort of person I would be if I wasn't a standard. It's my shout. How are you diddling? Not very bad. Exactly. That's not Radio 2. When they turn their um chair away a bit they say um nice to see you back they say that i love that i as you said me and al had both been the office jokers if we hadn't if we hadn't had the breaks yeah you really would have anyway the queen back Queen. Back in Windsor Castle, yeah, I'm changing location because she's got so many.

We could change it every five minutes. She's like Frank. I don't think she's got as many properties as I have. Who has? No one has. That's just not... Anyway, carry on. I'm happy to go along with it.

There's a lot of houses. Anyway, she doesn't travel without a supply of her special chocolate biscuit cake. She loves it. And this is her former chef who's revealed this. What's his name, Al? His name's Darren McGrady. Yes. One of your Scottish lot.

Okay. Should Darren have told us this? Because they're very touchy on, aren't they, members of staff? Yeah. They don't want the chef to spill the beans. Yeah, they want to have their cake and eat it, don't they? Yeah, exactly. But this is, do you know the sort of cake she's talking about?

I do know it. It's sort of, it's like a big, it's a heavy-duty chocolate cake anyway, but then it's got actual chunks of, like, digestive in it. I mean, it is a real, it's the real deal. And Prince William had it for his groom's cake. Who knew there was such a thing as a groom's cake? What is that about? He had a groom's cake, and that was the cake for it,

the Queen's Chocolate Biscuit Cake. for it. The Queen's chocolate biscuit cake. At the wedding there was two cakes. There was the groom's cake and the regular cake. Is there a bride's cake? No, it's just called the cake. I was going to say, the idea of Kate having a cake. I cannot see that happening.

No, not much. She's never seen a cake. I imagine she could have sliced the cake with her forearm. And I speak to you from the valley of the thin, so don't take it as not having a go at the girl. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What's new?

Well, I was incorrect. What about? I know you find that very hard to believe. I was saying I thought that was the name of a dress shop. James Robson, about the whole M&M's story. Someone told me the band in question was Van Halen and the weird M&M thing was added in their rider to make sure the venue had actually read their rider.

Yes, I think that was the idea. It encouraged an attention to detail. Apparently their pyrotechnics were so complex that it was a bit of a red flag to the band's management if nobody commented on the Eminem thing at the venue. Thank you for sending that in, James. And there have been various other people sending that in as well, so I do apologise, especially to the man that said,

I love it when Emily's wrong, which is most of the time. I'm sorry for whatever happened in your teenage years. Not all women are like that. I don't think you're wrong most of the time. I really don't. I zinged him. I'm capable. I saw the Kinks ride out once when I was

on tour. Oh, Matron. Was it all crumpled up? No, it was all right. Was that in the S&M community? It included oxygen. Did it? It did. And I thought, I remember thinking how much longer am I going to tour? Will I tour into the oxygen

on the rider period of my career? Maybe I will. Anyway, the Queen. Oh yeah. And she likes chocolate biscuit cake. Now, what I like specifically, there was a detail about this in Vanity Fair, actually. Where?

I read around my subject. Natch. They refer to her as a completist when it comes to food. Do they? Which is interesting. So what it's about is that she doesn't just have the cake and then scoff herself silly, as I would. The Queen waits.

She has one slice a day and she never has more than that. She's very disciplined, very self-controlled, but she will eat every single bit. Yes. What worries me about that is that if she has one slice a day, I imagine it's quite a big cake, then the last four or five slices, they're going to be dry as a bone, aren't they?

As what? They're going to be dry as a bone. You know what I mean? It's hard to keep it. I bet she's probably got some multi-million pound refrigerated vault. I think it's in that little black patent handbag with crumbs everywhere.

I see it more wrapped in a napkin towards the end. Like a child returning from a birthday party. Yeah, but you know, does anyone else get a bit of the Queen's cake? I don't think so. That sounds much sordid than I meant it to. Because I read that the chef said she'll take a small slice every day. She wants to finish that whole cake. And even on the last day when it's like a tiny sliver,

you have to send that up rather than the next cake. It's almost like she wants to eat the whole cake. Like that's a thing of hers. I suppose. Once you get brought up like that. I just wonder if anybody's ever said to her, Sharon's caring, Mum. She's more Sharon, Sharon like you, Sharon I like.

That's her for a long time. I's more Sharon, Sharon like you, Sharon I like. That's her for long term. I know those two. Clare and Tony and Cher, that's another one of her mottos. I don't think that really worked. Hold on, I'll have another look at that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We are in a smaller studio today,

which does feel a bit like we might be getting news from that things aren't going well on the Russian front. Thanks for that. Can I say I went to the toilet during a song earlier? I love that story. And when I returned, I was on the wrong floor. Oh, dear. I said, only I can.

There's a woman just looking at me in a sort of a yes kind of a way. And I said, I think I'm on the wrong floor. I'm old. And then I left. I think it went all right. We've had some correspondence from some of our readers, 938. My eureka moment came when a couple of years ago, I realised that the line, the Wombles

of Wimbledon common are we, didn't refer to their social status. The intonation in the way it's sung is highly misleading. That's Andrew. Who rather bravely has put his age, 38. But it's that sort of ambiguity that they're... Because they say the Wombles of

Wimbledon... Although they're not common, are they? Common, are we? You mean there's not loads of... No, they're not. Wimbledon's not awash with Wombles. So I think, yeah, you're probably right. It's not ambiguity. It's misleading. They are from Wimbledon common.

Well, we often had Mike Batt at the Dean dinner parties. Did you really? He would drop in occasionally. He was friends with... We should say Mike Batt, for our younger listeners, wasn't actually a bat. No. You know, he was a human being.

Singer-songwriter. Human form, yeah. Well, let's try and find out. I once interviewed Charlie Cray of the family, and he had gone to prison for disposing of the body of Jack the Hat, a local person. And I said we should establish, shouldn't we, Charlie, that Jack the Hat was a human being, not just a hat.

And he said, oh, no, no, no, he wasn't just a hat. He was just a couple of words to say. No, no, he was a blow. Lovely. We've also had some Magikai picture correspondence. This is the debate. I used to be able to do Magikai. I've tried it online.

I can't do it. Have I lost my power, or is there a discrepancy that you can't do Magikai online? I love that we're talking about this. I'm going to go out to get my T-shirt saying 100% babe, and my copy of Loaded. Well, last week it was traveller's check, so cheer up. Jamie has emailed,

I've never been able to see magic eye pictures and I've just looked at my iPad and now I can do it. I can confirm the paper iPad theory. What if we've actually discovered a new scientific discovery that people who can do magic eyes on paper can't do them online and vice versa. I'd like that to happen, but 087 has texted. A few weeks ago, I went online to revisit magic eyes

to remind myself of the first one I saw in the 90s. See, it's not just me. Hang on. Oh, no, there's two of you in the entire world. He then adds, I'm going to say somewhat gittishly, they can definitely be seen on a screen. I'm looking at them now

and can still see them on paper too. I know they can be seen, but I'm on about the actual... I don't like the tone creeping into your voice. I've never heard you so aggressive. It's the mystical relief element of it. You know the mystical relief? Yeah, but this is a breakfast show.

No. Yes. I don't want to talk about that trip to Thailand you took. Trayvon. You know that party that wants to reach out and touch the raised section of a magic eye pattern? I've never seen the rest. We don't experience the same impulses as you.

Oh, of course you've only seen the dots, loser. Yeah, I know. I'm really feeling that today with everyone boasting on text and email that they can see it. Why don't you tell Alan to get a line? That's what you normally do at this point. It's always what you need to do is not focus. Yeah, I'm too focused. Which is advice one rarely gives to young people.

Especially to me. Especially to the members of the sporting fraternity like Alan. Yeah. What about 977? he's picked you up on something okay i think you referred to a band with a v yeah beforehand earlier he said adding v to things unnecessarily reminds me of when people used to put an s at the end of trivial pursuit grr trivial pursuits you're right yes you're right. Yes. You're right, people did do that. I suppose, no, it was just a pursuit, wasn't it?

It wasn't a variety of pursuits. What about when you and David Baddiel had the argument over the Trivial Pursuit and didn't speak for about three months? Well, he stormed out and then realised we were living at his house. So, yes, it was about a Hollywood film that had cost... What was the most expensive flop? It was in more factual terms than that. And it was...

E. San Antony and Cleopatra was the film, and I said, no, no, it's Cleopatra. And he said, well, I said... I said, look, it's a pie question. Sorry, I'm just waiting for the phone to vibrate with a text from him. Yeah, with him saying, well, actually, I had said the word Cleopatra, but, I mean, it'm just waiting for the phone to vibrate with a text from him Yeah, with him saying Well actually I had said the word Cleopatra But I mean it was just wrong

That's not what the film's called I'm sorry Sorry caller Yes And I remember he said Sometimes you just really get on my And he didn't storm out the house He stormed down a floor

and then thought, well, where do I go from here? It was a bad row, wasn't it? It was... We've had very, very few rows, Dave and I. I mean, you know, considering most people who work together and double act things, they despise each other. But, you know, we love each other. I can honestly say that. But, you know, we love each other.

I can honestly say that. But that one was, you know, we all have our moments. And yours was, well, it is a pie question. It was a pie question. Come on. Come on, it was a pie question, as the Queen would say. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

Absolute Radio. We've just received an excellent update. 087 as text is. 087 here again. I need to add, brackets, even more gittishly, close brackets, that I also did a jigsaw puzzle a few weeks ago and can see the image in that too. Yeah.

Strong work. Yeah. Quite a pause there, Frank, while I looked at you and you didn't get that joke. No, I'm slow enough. Sorry. It had to happen eventually. I'll tell you, this article about the Queen slightly annoyed me

because I felt like the headline was what they call clickbait. You know clickbait? Yes. Where they put up a headline that you click on. Oh, we know clickbait. And it said, revealed, the surprising snack the Queen never travels without. And I thought, oh, that'll be surprising. Yeah.

And then it turns out to be like a chocolate... What were you guessing? I was thinking like a raw turkey leg that she just pulls out and occasionally nags on between courses at state dinners or something. That was my boo, Henry. He liked those. I imagine... Beef jerky. I tell you what, I imagine...

Because I had one of those. I thought Golden Grahams. Golden Grahams? You know Golden Grahams, the breakfast cereal? But I had a picture of her in my mind, not eating them out of a bowl, but just with the box under her arm with the top ripped open. With a glove.

Looking as if she was going to scatter corn on a farmyard, but just forcing them in her mouth. The white glove. Yeah. Going into the cereal box. Well, she probably has one golden white glove that she keeps for the Golden Graham consumption. Yes.

But really scooping it in. It turns out I was completely wrong. Yes, a bit of chocolate cake. Made a complete fool of myself. And not even a Viscount biscuit, which would be in keeping, wouldn't it? I would have seen her as a Werther's Original girl. Yeah, but isn't that age stereotyping? Yeah.

OK. I don't mind that. Absolutely. She's always been a big eater at school. She was known as Elizabeth II. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing the fact that the Queen, wherever she goes,

takes chocolate biscuit cake. Yeah. Didn't even know it was called... See, what's happened in her youth, in her privileged youth? Someone has said to the Queen, right, do you want chocolate biscuit or do you want chocolate cake? And she said, you know what? I'm the Queen, all right? I'll amalgamate them. Now.

I don't like that. And someone had to put them both together. Yes them now. I don't like that. I'm sorry, I've had to put them both together. Yes, Mark. I don't like it when they mix the mediums. It's like when I had a milkshake once and there was a cupcake in it. What? It was absolutely vile. That, you'll find, was an accident probably.

No, it wasn't. There's a place you can go and it sells cupcake milkshakes. Is this a poem? There's a place you can go. Isn't it like when people find a chicken head in crisps. Yeah, yeah. I don't think that's a flavour. It is a thing, I promise.

You've lived through a news story. I don't want to say where you can get it from, because I've been rude about the product now, but there is a place, a very famous cupcake shop, that does this. Is that right? And it's absolutely disgusting. I suppose it's a bit like a Coke float, isn't it?

Exactly, Frank. You all right? Lovely, a Coke float, isn't it? Exactly, Frank. You all right? Lovely, a Coke float. That sounds great. Shall we have one of those for our brunch today? I could just go a Coke float, you know. I remember at the advice of a reader on this show, I microwaved a pork pie.

A pork pie, what they like to call... The glamorous laugh. G-L-A-M... what they like to call the glamorous laugh G L A I've always liked I like this but they're called

an individual pork pie yeah you know they've got their own traits anyway when you take that then pull the top off

which you can easily once it's heated up yeah the it's like a coke float the pork's bobbing up and down on a sea of melted fat oh that's horrible.

Yeah. I wonder how many listeners we just lost as a percentage. I'm wondering now if I could use that. We just lost one presenter. No, but I could use it to teach my son astronomy. Yeah. The circulation of the Earth. Education by stealth.

Love it. Yeah, that's what it's all about. Good lads. Education by stealth. Love it. Yeah, that's what it's all about. Good lads. So I'm all for any other scientific experiments involving pork pies. Send them in.

I have a request for food suggestions. I don't eat a lot of bread anymore. Just don't like it, all right? No, I've turned my back on bread. But I'm missing marmalade. What can I eat marmalade on? Oh, I've turned my back on bread. But I'm missing marmalade. What can I eat marmalade on? Oh, I see. You like a preserve.

It could have it on a rye vita. But you fear gluten. Who wants a rye vita? Would you not have a sourdough or a gluten-free? Or is it consistency you object to? Or is it just a general... I don't love bread, so I hardly eat any bread. But I still have peanut butter on slices of apple.

I have apple chips with peanut butter on. They're nice. They're a good snack. Or banana. Sometimes I'll smother banana with peanut butter. Or other nut butters. Cashew butter, you know. But I'm missing marmalade,

so I need a suggestion for how I can eat marmalade that's non-toast. You're going around in a duffel coat with nothing out underneath. What about rice cake? Any good? Yeah, maybe. All right, I'll give a rice cake a try. That's a good suggestion. Well, Connie Hark, who's a friend of mine,

and she works on Blue Peter, so she knows a bit about things. Yeah. She suggested a rice cake with hummus on it to me once. I laughed at her. It was a bit Christopher Columbus moment. I laughed at her. It was a bit Christopher Columbus moment. I laughed at her. It's fabulous. And that was brilliant.

Best thing I've ever eaten. Good. I'll give that a try as well. Apparently, the Queen occasionally has a lemon drizzle. But what do you expect at her age? Oh, my God! Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I've somewhat lit up the switchboard by my request for snack marmalade tips. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Eunice has texted, Have you tried marmalade on an oat cake, Alan? Oat cakes are a bit biscuit-like, so it could be yummy. I love an oat cake with peanut butter. Uh-huh.

I don't like the way this is going. I've got a feeling you might say that. I just thought that's one of the worst passages of radio I've ever been invited. See, I love it when it goes like this. What about the ballet link? It's up there. Lest we forget.

I'd have marmalade on a Jaffa cake. What about that? Oh, man. That sounds good. And you've got double orange separated by a semi-permeable membrane of chocolate. Yeah. You could probably watch the act of osmosis taking place, which I always like to do. Do you think the Queen ever asked for a great-great-grandmother sponge?

As opposed to a Victoria. It took me a little while. If I was her, I definitely would. Very good. Definitely. Because how often do you get the chance to do that? Yeah. We've had 112, Morning Gang.

I had a eureka moment, which we've been talking about then this morning, when I had a puncture in a four-wheel drive car. After five minutes of searching for the spare and after calling out the rescue services, I phoned my friend, who owned the car, a bit dodgy, to be told it was under the cover, bolted to the back door of the car,

which is what I was leaning against to make the phone call from Paul in Bournemouth. So anyone with a four-wheel drive, that's where you'll find it. I thought, because it's an idiotic Eureka, I thought he was going to say, turns out he had four wheels. But that was not the case. I think we've exhausted the Queen and her chocolate cake, have we not? Do you think?

But thank you, Mum, for your inspirational leadership during the national obesity crisis. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

And now a short pause. Go on, speak. No, there's no pause. We were talking about the Queen this morning. You announced a short pause. I was divided by it. Will you let the lady speak? We've been talking, as if that's ever a problem for me on this show.

We've been talking about the Queen this morning and what she carries with her. God bless her. No one said that, did they? No. I think you have to say that every time the Queen this morning. Mm-hmm. And what she carries with her. God bless her. No one said that, did they? No. I think you have to say that every time the Queen is mentioned. Do you? I think so.

We established that she carried a biscuit. She shall have biscuit cake wherever she goes. Yes. Yeah. And that was her sort of rider. And I actually carry things wherever I go in my bag. What have you got? Well, if I look in my bag today,

I have a little packet of nuts. OK. Cashews? You take nuts, bless you. Yay! Do you know what? I've sat at the master's knee for so long. Nothing creepy.

No, exactly. I told you it'd give you hiccups. I've learned. I've learned from the master. I carry nuts. Always? Yeah, always nuts. OK. Bit of low blood sugar going on here. I suppose that's the master. I carry nuts. Always? Yeah, always nuts. Okay.

Bit of low blood sugar going on here. I suppose that's good. If you got stuck in a lift, you'd be glad of those. I have a pair of flat shoes. In the bag? Yeah, in the bag, yeah. What do you eat them with? Sorry? What do you eat those with? They're for drinking champagne out of at late night parties.

Late night parties? I don't even pack shoes when I go on holiday. I only wear shoes. Just take the ones you've got on. Yeah, because I think once you put shoes in a bag, everything goes out of kilter. Does it? Yeah.

Is that why you don't pack a kilt? Not that you have the bag that I have. I mean, the size of it. I'd like a very slender, flat shoe. I'd like a bag that's got two shoe-shaped compartments on the side of it that I could then put the spare shoes in. That'd be brilliant. If they exist, do let me know at 12.15.

Bag makers listening. Well, you're okay because... Oh, bag maker, bag maker, make me a bag, find me a... Baby wipes? You've always got baby wipes. I won't go into that. No? No, I just like a baby wipe.

They're useful for stains. Very useful. They're useful for hand washing. Armpits, if you've sweated it up on the train on the way in. Yeah, but once you've cleaned up... What are you? Once you've cleaned up an armpit like that, you've got to re-aerosol.

Can we just establish I don't clean up an armpit? That's not why I take them with me. Whatever, whatever. You sure you don't? I'm absolutely immaculate. You sure you don't? Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm immaculate.

I've started using grown-up deodorant just lately. What did you use before? Matey? I used to use... Oh, matey. By this stage in man's development, I thought all bath foam would clean the tub as well. It doesn't.

No. Anyway, no, I've been using this very healthy deodorant for a number of years. Sounds terrible. Sort of organic sort of deodorant. And it does keep you nice and fresh for, I'd say, between 20 and 25 minutes. Listen, I'm glad you brought this up.

Yeah. One of my closest friends. Well, recently I've started... Yeah, sorry about that. Emily's holding Frank a wet wipe out. I thought you always held your nose like that. Before rumours spread, we need to say, I've never... I mean, Frank, as Cathy once said to me,

in the early days of you dating Frank, can you remember? She said to me, the thing I like about Frank is he's absolutely spotless. It's one of the few true compliments she's ever given me. And he is. He's a very clean old man. You're clean as a whistle. Yes, well, thank you. Anyway, I used to use this sort of organic bio

save the planet stuff under my arms. Yeah. And now I've just gone back to that stuff that lasts, you know, 48 hours. Brilliant. And, you know, it's given me a new confidence. Yeah, you do seem that. Good night.

No, we're not going. I just thought that needed to end. It'd be a great way if news ended like that Good night. No, we're not going. I just thought that needed to end. Be a great wife. News night ended like that one night. Can I just say, before we go, that I've been using a new deal. Boy, would he be in trouble. Absolute, absolute

radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I quite often travel with a bar of dark chocolate, a big bar of dark chocolate in my bag. In case there's no bed in the hotel room. The first time Alan was on here, he told us he'd checked into a hotel room and there was no bed.

That was a good story. Ever since then. Yeah, cool story, bro. Ever since then, slab of Bourneville plain. Like a futon. Bourneville. But what I like about the dark chocolate... You still get Bourneville plain, can't you? Well, I always remember it had the gold wrapper

and a sort of oxblood coverlet. It sounds like a geographical feature, perhaps, to our younger readers. What about Old Jamaica Inn? Do you remember that? Was it just called Old Jamaica? Yeah, there was no inn. I think you've done a bit of a trivial pursuit. I don't want to fall out with you over this, Frank.

No, I think it said Old Jamaica Inn at one end of the label and Old Jamaica Out. Yeah, there was... It was yellow, wasn't it? Or was it blue? Old Jamaica. There used to be a guy who used to look a pirate advertising.

It was lovely. It was raisin soaked in rum in the chocolate. I'm going to go yellow cover for that one, but I may be wrong. Okay. I think it had, like you'd expect, it had the pirate font, as I would call it.

Pirate font. You know, pirate font, and a it had pirate font, as I would call it. Pirate font. You know pirate font, and a palm tree and a chest on the front of it. And not to be confused with goth energy drink font, which is an entirely different thing. And not to be confused with those at Cancer Tenants Lager that had a chest on the front of it. Very different. Anyway, let's not go down memory lane or indeed no one yeah

better than that better than that all right this week yeah exactly what do you carry frank for your rider well i'll tell you what i carry whenever i travel anywhere i always carry um cotton buds and i think in my life which is expansive period of time i have used cotton buds and i can i would say four occasions i've never been quite sure what one uses them for unless i suddenly get a desperate need to take some sort of swab which is not very me. I use them for... I think they took a swab in the old Jamaican advert. Yes, swab! I use cotton bud for if I want Slovenian families to do a gladiator's combat. Oh, that would make sense. I use them for that. But I think they're supposed to be for the ears, but they don't seem the right size for my whorls. You know your ear whorls, the sort of spirally.

I'm always told by people never to actually put them in the ears. No, but I don't mean actually down into the cave of the ear. I mean, you know the outer... You know what I like to call the bobsleigh run inside the ear. But it seems like it's too...

You can imagine someone turning up at the bobsleigh in the Winter Olympics and they're just in a white sock going down there. It would be ridiculous. And that's what it feels like. They need to be bigger so that they take all the wax from the inner walls as it goes round the curve. Yeah. I know what you mean.

How do we get through that little technical description? So why I carry them, I don't know, but I always think I'm going to think, oh, you know what you mean how do we get through that little technical description so why I carry them I don't know but I always think I'm going to think you know what I need and then now they'll be but I would say I've been carrying the same cotton bods since the turn of the century literally

I mean I don't think they decay do they? I don't think they're a perishable item you'd think they'd have blossomed by now into four cotton flowers. But it has not happened. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

A little bit of a public health warning coming in now. 763 has texted, A doctor writes, brackets, Dr Paul. I like this? Ah, don't put cotton buds in your ear canals. Overworked A&E departments are full of ears clogged up with cotton buds. But he means the cave, not the... Yeah, but moments later he's texted,

The end breaks off, you see. Meaning like the little cottony bit ends up in your ear. Yeah, horrible. Nothing's smaller than your elbow is the advice. Meaning like the little cottony bit ends up in your ear. Yeah, horrible. Nothing smaller than your elbow is the advice. That is the advice, yes. Nothing smaller than your elbow. I like it when we do public health announcements. Who gave that advice? John Fashnew?

God, there's a topical piece of material. Gary Madbert's listening. Copy of Loaded. We've also had a text talking about Spag Bol in an Italian restaurant. My friend was offered ice cream for pudding

or she could have a Bolovich. She said she'd have that thinking it sounded interesting, like an interesting dessert. When it arrived, it was vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream. A Bolovich.

Oh. A Bolovich. It was going to be a Bolovich. Yes, a Bolovich. Yeah, a bowl of each. I love a food anecdote. You don't. No, I don't. We actually had an email from someone that had seen you do the Portrait Artist of the Year thing.

Yeah, but they'd included a spoiler alert in it. Well, I'm not going to read the spoiler. I know you are. But they said that they saw you go off and they wondered what you'd had for lunch whilst we're on the subject of food. They wondered what your lunch was. I don't have lunch. You don't have lunch? No, I just...

You do a 12-hour day. No, I don't. No, I'm not saying that is not very responsible advice. Of course I have lunch, but I don't remember what I had. I don't even know what day it was. I mean, it's a ridiculous inquiry. Well, I popped down to see you at the Portrait Artist of the Year, didn't I, Frank? You did.

What did you have for lunch? With Daisy, the producer. He was on his lunch when we arrived. We went over, Daisy said, go over to someone in a headset. We went over to someone in a headset. I said, is Frank here? And she said, I think he's on his lunch. Which I liked. Yes. I liked, it was just kind of like, he's on his lunch. We should say, this is a show

that I do on Sky Arts, which I present with the Baroness Bakewell. Everyone knows it now. I love it. So you can go and see it. It's actually on at the Wallace Collection all this week. I really recommend it. It was so entertaining.

I would have stayed there for hours. The Wallace Collection is a gallery in London, a large conurbation in the south-east of England. Yeah, and it's nothing to do with Wallace and Gromit. It's free to get in. You can come along and watch people paint. It's beautiful. Yeah.

Like my new turkey smugglers. What about when Baroness Baker... I don't think they called out. Can you get turkey smugglers? You probably can on the old Jamaica advert. There are two incidents I'd like to tell you about, Al, and our lovely readers. The Somali Pirates and the Turkey Smugglers.

Criminals from Around the World with Frank Skinner. It'd be a great show, wouldn't it? Yeah. I think Ross Kent might have jumped in early on that one. Yeah, I think so. He just didn't come up with that classy title. Meanwhile, over at the Wallace Collection, Baroness Bakewell zinged our Frank

Did she? Well, I was saying how I am noticing how popular your show is becoming, Frank and lots of people mention it to me and when they mention your name they mention the show and Frank said yes and mentioned a couple of events he'd been at

or incidents where people had referred to the show and Baroness Bakewell said yes, I've had exactly the same at the House of Lords and Frank said you had to top me. But then there was a bit of a git moment, Frank, from you. Really? Well, Daisy had her two children with her. Yes. Daisy's our producer, you may remember.

And the baby was making a bit of a noise. He was a bit, you know, cranky. I wouldn't say he was crying exactly. He was doing that... Like a gurgle. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that.

And Daisy, she works in this medium. She's very responsible. I could see she was about to take him out. But was it one of the judges, Frank? Yeah. They're all lovely, the judges. He was a lovely man. But they're under a lot of pressure.

Right. And he was so sweet. And he said in that very middle class way, he shrugged about a thousand times. He went, oh, oh, I'm sorry, but, oh, I'm trying to concentrate. Oh, would you mind taking maybe... He never actually asked you. He just kept saying, oh.

And Daisy picked up on the cues. Yeah. It was all very lovely and civilised and walked out with the child. And Frank said, oh, OK, that's OK. You know, that was one of my closest friends who just did that too. Yes, I'm prepared to lie to make someone feel bad. And I just did it again.

So I thought that was quite bad. And the man went, oh, sorry, sorry, and shrugged 1,800 times in his green velvet jacket. So lovely. But you have to mark your friend territory. OK, I'll give you that. But then you did this, which was the most extraordinary thing, Alan, I've ever seen.

I was so embarrassed. I don't know what's coming. I'm loving this so far. The man said, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, having a total meltdown. Frank says in a very stage whisper to me, basically to his face come on Em, let's get away from this

horrible man he actually said that there was irony he's a very dear friend of mine he was nobody talks to Daisy like that I mean in that very...

Anyway, it was... Yeah, come along if you like. It's fine. If you dare. If you like being mistreated, told to shush and generally made to feel awkward by scenes created by me, why not come along? And there'll be art.

Oh, that's the plug out, don't I? That's why I'm not in sales. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. What did you have for lunch?

Actually, I'm not prepared to. It's an impossible question. I don't know what day they were there. As if I keep... It's not in my journal. There probably are people that keep a journal like that. You do, don't you? 166 says, the way I heard it, it was the only thing you should put in your ear

was your opposite elbow, meaning you shouldn't put anything in your ear. That's from Stu. Yeah. Isn't that what we already said? Don't put stuff in your ear is your opposite elbow, meaning you shouldn't put anything in your ear. That's from Stu. Isn't that what we already said? Don't put stuff in your ears. Mrs Worthington. Yeah, as they say. I noticed the other day, I was watching

some commercial television. I noticed that Ellie Goulden has got a new range of espadrilles. Strange emphasis going on in that sentence. Is this a set up for a joke? No. Espadrilles.

I just thought I'd like to have been party to that phone call. Yeah. Ellie Gordon. Yes. Sorry, I'm very busy. I'm about to. Yeah, I wonder if you'd like to endorse a range of espadrille. Why do you say it like that? Espadrille.

I don't know, you sound like Rinaldo or something. Espadrille. Thank you. Is that it? Yeah. What's the plural? Seems easy. What's the plural for it? Espadrille.

Espadrillo. Espadrillum. No, I think it's... Thanks, Don Roman. I don't think you add an S. I think you say, where are my espadrilles? I don't think anyone's ever said that. But Ellie Goulding has.

Apparently you're supposed to say euro. Euro is the plural of euro, isn't it? Apparently, but everyone says euros. Shut up about it. Both in a pub again. Yeah, but I just, why do you phone Ellie Goulding for that? I suppose I can picture her in Espadrille. What's she call it? Espadrelle? Espadrelli?

I think, if I remember rightly, her family crest says, Ever at home in an Espadrille. Is that right? Yeah. Good memory. But I just thought... Who decided that? That that's the phone call for that right? Yeah. Good memory. On the bottom. But I just thought, who decided that, that that's the phone call for that job?

Oh, where did you read this as well? It was on the telly. What were you reading on the reveal magazine? It was a TV advert. Oh, really? A telly advert. Ellie Goulding has a new collection of espadrilles. It was like that kind of thing.

Really? And then there were, you know, lovely cork bottoms. Did you like them? As espadrilles. It was like that kind of thing. Really? And then there were, you know, lovely cork bottoms. Did you like them? As espadrilles go, they were nice. Were they as good as these, espadrilles? I've got espadrilles on today. Very nice. But would you buy them on the strength of Ellie Goulding's name?

I'm not sure I know who she is. You don't know who she is? I don't think I do. What, on Absolute Radio, where real music matters? Who is she? You'll shame me, sir. Is she a sports star? No, she's a singer.

She's a singer? Ellie Goulding. You must have heard of her. Ellie Goulding. I can't chastise you too much because I called her Ellie Goulding for the first time. You're getting mixed up with Jilly Goulding. Yeah, I know. They're all the...

I know who she is. She wrote Lord of the Flies. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's William Goulding. Yeah, I know, they're all the... I know who she is. She wrote Lord of the Flies. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's William Goulding. Oh, what a man. You know, the Espadrille Queen, I think she's known as in the press. Is she? Yeah. Oh. I'm amazed you don't know her.

Well, this is a small gap now where we brief you on Ellie Goulding. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Goulding. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing, is it Ellie Goulding? I love, you know this, we were talking about Idiotic Eureka. Banoffee Pie, I think, Ellie Goulding.

I'm putting them on the same level. Amex. Ellie Goulding. Quite a big star. Yeah, yeah. I'm finding it really touching and moving your hesitancy when you say her name. I really feel like I'm getting it wrong. Ellie Goulding.

Yeah. Harry Garner. She's endorsing espadrilles. Correctamundo. I think that's a fair summary. Is she endorsing them or is she endorsing them? There's a big old difference. Well, I once

interviewed Heidi Klum and she said to me she was bringing out a range of Birkenstocks and I said, when you say bringing out a range, do you mean they're just putting your name? She said, no, no, I've had quite a lot

of input. Am I ever convinced by that you remember when we spoke about who was it that brought out a fragrance recently oh it was latin i was latin yeah last week i mean quite a few of them have done some of them get involved frank you want to get involved some of them do i can imagine um george foreman got quite involved with the grilling machine it's a george form being a fragrance it's a great thing the grilling machine. I was going to say George Foreman being a fragrance. It's a great thing the grilling machine isn't it? What would you say were the great celebrity endorsement

products? Well, what's his name? Is it Mo Farah? Does he have something? He does the corn doesn't he? Apparently, I've heard, not a vegetarian he just likes corn. Acceptable. Well, I like it when someone becomes a

celebrity as a result of endorsing a product. Victor Kiam. Oh, yes. I point you in the direction of, which you might be a whisker too young to remember, Alan. Me? This was in the time when the bosses of companies would do the TV ad for us. Oh, yeah? Yes. So we'd say,

I like this razor so much, I bought the company. Yeah, yeah. Is that not the Remington Fuzzerwear guy I think he was I think he branched out Victor Kayam He used to start by saying hello I'm Victor Kayam I thought he'd ripped off Hello I'm Johnny Cash

I miss the days I suppose it's open You just put your own name in Well I miss the days when adverts started like that. You just said your name. Well, Bernard Matthews, another bloke who advertises his own company. That's fading now. Mike's Carpets in the north of England.

Never saw that. I don't think that rolled out, but he... Mike's Carpets. I'm Mike from Mike's Carpets. That's how it's began. There used to be a bloke called Harry Parks who played for Aston Villa and he used to do adverts on BRMB radio. Harry here! He used to say like that. Come to my shop! And they'd say I've got everything for snooker

I've got queues, I've got chalk and they'd say and somebody'd say balls and he'd say it's true I tell ya! It's a fabulous radio joke. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Apparently Gwyneth Paltrow has brought out a range of aerosol meals. Oh, yeah. You just spray and inhale them. They sound good. Yeah. They're taken from the moisture that gathers on the outer flesh of the monsh too oh they sound not so good

well now I always preferred the original movie monsh sea calls are never as good are they I like that we were talking about idiotic eureka moments earlier you were i know you're right we all were for ages uh we had a an email entitled eureka bedfordshire is real as a young boy my grandma always used to tell me that it was time to let me guess

up the wooden hills to bedfordshire is what my dad used to say to me is that to bed yeah yeah it was time to go to Bedfordshire when it was time for me to go to bed. As a Lunder in my 30s, I was aghast when I met someone from Bedfordshire. Far from being a magical land of sleep, it transpires it is a beautiful county with excellent and speedy transport links to London.

Lovely summary. I like that. Can you imagine if a man used that as a seduction line? Well, I think it's time to go up the wooden hills. Wooden hills to Bedfordshire. It's interesting. I suppose there's going to be a lot of people that discover that there's actually a hell,

so they'll have a similar sort of experience. Well, I don't like to be uncouth, but I've been using the euphemism going to the creperie when abroad with my family on occasion. What, for going to the... Oh, toilet? Yeah, I worry if they might grow up and go, oh, it's a place that sells desserts.

Yeah. Anyway, we'll move on. It's nice, though. And there is also a place called the pool where you actually can drop children off. Anyway, let's not work our way through all the euphemisms because it's a terrible spiral. Who knows where we might end up.

Bedfordshire, perhaps. Thank you so much for listening this morning. It's been very pleasurable. You're OK. I think I'm OK. Yes. So, yes. Oh, bring on the feathers.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.