The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Man-made Stirrup

Episode Date: June 22, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has questions about aggressive drivers and people who still make music requests. Also, Emily went to see Nick Cave and came away with some unusual memorabilia.

Comedy legend Frank Skinner is back on stage with his first stand-up show in four years. I think a man of my age saying my girlfriend is sort of on a level with a man of my age saying my skateboard. Live in London this June, at the Edinburgh Festival in August, and touring across the country this autumn. It's what I would call an Elton John joke. It's a little bit funny. Book tickets now at frankskinnerlive.com This, however, is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

You choose. Good morning. Morning. Morning, Peter. Morning, Jim. Morning, Richie. I don't want to sound like I've been carrying a point to make for a whole

week but do you remember last week I said that I felt like I should have got some kind of celebration for making it to the end of a debit card. Oh yeah. It had lasted me the full three years. Oh yeah. Just at the end of last week's show somebody texted hey guys I've never made it to the end of a debit card either. I sit on my wallet daily and they almost always break. Simon from Baz Church. But I've never had a broken one.

I just wanted to make it clear that I was losing them. He sits on his wallet daily, so you should ring him because he'd be at my table for you. I think I walked into that one. I never sit on my wallet. I don't like heights.

Oh, my goodness me. Oh, I've got any tummy coccyx. No, it's breakfast for a head here. Could I... It's all right. You can mention the tailbone. Could you take your hand out? It's itchy.

OK, well, I know, but that's no excuse. Give it a rinse and let's get on with the show, yeah? I've got an unusual missive I'd like to share with you. It's called Cautious Band Request. That's the subject line. I like the... I like it as a title. OK, well, let me show it. It's not specifically intended for us

it's directed to High Absolute exclamation mark OK, well we are absolute at this moment we represent Absolute Radio I like the idea that it's somebody requesting a band that aren't that rock and roll it's a cautious band request but let's find out

this is what's within it High Absolute. For a while, I've wanted to request a band, as I've definitely not heard them on the radio for years. Okay. So I'd love to request them, but not sure if... Is it the Joe Lars Orchestra? Yeah.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. There they are. Sorry, carry on. But not sure if they aren't played as they are on absolute criteria or they just got overlooked. And sometimes I hear someone asking for something and being shot down. Wow, really? We do that, I think. I think we need some sad music.

And so I've been nervous. Do you want some of that? I think we should have something that sort of... Okay, go on. Here we go. Okay. That's good. Keep going.

I hear someone being shot down, so I've been nervous to ask. Please don't mention it on air if I'm totally wrong. Too late. And whilst this band is pop, they do have that rock edge and everyone loves them. In brackets, I think. OK. Shakespeare's sister, exclamation mark,peare's sister exclamation mark question mark

exclamation mark any song please let me know if it's worth mentioning massive thank you in advance for any reply that's from sean well sean um for a start off i'm amazed that people still do requests to a radio show. In the age where you can just go on your phone and listen to it, it does remind me a bit of, I was talking to someone, I was at a picnic last night celebrating the summer solstice. We probably all were. Oh, yeah. And I was talking to someone about dial-a-disc.

I've mentioned it on here before. One six zero. When you used to go into a phone box. We had our own phone, actually. You had your own phone. You were one of those. There was one woman. It's like decadent.

We had a phone. It was just Mrs Morgan in our road who had a phone. So if anyone had an emergency, they'd go and knock on Mrs Morgan's house. Sometimes Evelyn would answer. But anyway, so you could phone up and you wouldn't even pick your song. You would get a song from the top ten

at random because people were so desperate to hear music. But now it's all over your phone. Why do people even request any more? Well, I think they like the connection. Yeah. I mean, we should see, I mean,

what are your views on Shakespeare's system? Can I say, is it Sian who wrote this? This is Sian. It sounds very, I mean, very beyond humble. Yeah. Yeah, hashtag humble. I mean, it's the most preamble to a request I think I've ever heard. I really wish, actually, I can tell you a story about Shakespeare's sister,

but I'm afraid, Sian, it'll have to be after these messages. OK. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were talking about Sian. Oh, yeah. We got in touch about Shakespeare's sister. Yeah, so I was doing a Radio 2 show. I think I was doing Steve Wright and the Art Noon.

Oh, were you? There's like a waiting room when you get to Radio 2. And there's a piano as played by Sir Elton John. There's a little plaque on it. Yeah, right. So you sit in there waiting. You're always liable to meet somebody interesting. So there was a woman sitting next to me, opposite me,

and she looked very much like... Oh, God, I'm not going to be able to remember her name now. The woman from Shakespeare's Sister's got, like, an American... Shaman? No. Mariella or Margiela. No, but the surname is something like... Margiela.

Illinois or something. It's an American surname. But the first name is Margiela, I think. I don't think it is, is it? OK, we can find it out. Oh, I is it? Okay, we can find it out. Oh, I'll tell you what, we will find it out. No. Our switchboard is about to light up.

Marcella Detroit. Oh, really? Yeah. And so, oh, isn't it great when it comes to you? Mm-hmm. I was very far off with Margiela, obviously. Mm-hmm. One consonant.

I'm sorry, but your sitters are lying on one side of someone's neck. If you called her Margella, would she have been all right with it? Yeah, she'd have been fine. She'd have been furious. She'd be fine. So anyway, she was sitting there,

and I thought, I really think this is Marcella Detroit, but I'm not. So I started talking to her, and she's nice, and she said, yeah, I'm in a band. We're plugging an album. But what I didn't understand is that it unfolded.

She said, I said, yeah, you're Shakespeare's sister, aren't you? I thought, I'm going to go for it. And then she started talking. And then Siobhan emerged. So she'd been doing the interview. Oh. But Marcella hadn't gone in. So I was a bit...

You know when you go to a medical appointment and you're with your partner and there's that moment, do I wait outside stuff? But I thought it was odd that she wasn't in. Does she not do the press? Is it a bit like those magician's double acts where one of them doesn't speak and the other does all the talking? I know, but why would you go?

It would be like if you saw David, if you were standing outside the studio while David was in there doing the interview. Yeah, it would be strange. Perhaps they both get paid hourly and the one that turns up to do the press. Perhaps they take it in turns. I hate doing press, and they take it in turns.

You can't have two goths. You get one goth only. One goth at a time, only allowed in this shop. Surely they can get two goths in one studio. I've seen two on the same bench in a village. Yeah. Anyway, so she was very nice. I liked her.

She was much more down to earth. But it's a cool band to request, Sian. And also, Sian, you know what? You have the right to ask. Totally. You don't need all these softeners. It's okay. But my tip is don't do requests on the radio.

It's obsolete as a convention. softners, it's okay. But my tip is don't do requests on the radio. It's obsolete as a convention. Just think, I'd love to be a Shakespeare sister. I'll tell you what, I'll Google Shakespeare sister and then I'll be able to listen to them. I know, but absolute... In fact, they may not like that. They don't do requests, do they? Do they not?

I think they do on other shows. I think on the request show maybe they do it. And I think we've got VIP status. I believe so, yes. There is a request show, maybe they do it. And I think we've got VIP status. I believe so, yes. There is a request show, Frank. Well, obviously, that's different. You know, we bring high-level comedy. That's our thing.

How do people phone in if they don't have mobile phones? Landline. Remember, on your landline today. I'm sure it's brilliant. I wish I'd said that with more sincerity I suppose what one could argue, I've got to dig my way

out of this, it's nice you are sort of putting your name to that band I suppose yes, so you're saying yeah I'm officially someone who likes this band, yes I'd say that's great, Come on, it's obsolete. It's like the knowledge.

It's like doing the knowledge. The sat-nav, stop it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 398 has texted, I think potentially somewhat overreacting. It makes me feel ill when Frank plugs the competition. The Beeb, Spotify, YouTube, Google. Does he not realise the threat they pose

to his station? Perhaps I'm more commercially minded than Frank, albeit a great deal poorer. Oh, that's Paul our boss. Well, look, they ain't got what we got. I just like the melodrama of it makes me feel ill.

It's a bit like receiving a text from you. It's just that kind of... Do I send melodramatic texts? No, but you've got to... I did just say, oh, stop talking about cover versions. It makes me feel sick. Because I've identified that's one of my phobias.

Cover versions. Oh, don't even say it. It's horrible. When you go to listen to a song and it's the wrong one, and it's like session musicians trying to do... I find it so depressing. Well, there used to be a series of albums called Top of the Pops, and they used to be the hits of the day, as they called them,

but not done by the people who did them. So you'd get... Those are stars on 45. There was Legs & Co would be by the people who did them. So you'd get There's no stars on 45. There was Legs and Co would be on the front of the album. Now Top of the Pops would have a model on the cover but an unnamed model looking like she was loving partying or something.

And then you'd get a session singer doing Oh Daniel is leaving tonight. Oh don't, that feels sick. Stop it Frank, it's really upsetting me. I think some of them, some of the top of the pops rep company, these

singers, they're a bit like, you know the Strictly, those guys are really giving someone Strictly. Again, I always think of Crocodile Rock on Strictly for some reason, but people go I remember when rock was and you think this is a bloke thinking this is me now

this is my moment I think and the lady in the black cocktail dress I can't bear it the top of the pops you were that lady the top of the pops repertory company who sang those songs

I think a couple of them Went on to be Stars In their own right As they say Okay What does it mean In their own right

Not always the understudy Yeah Yeah No but it's It's an odd structure In their own right Anyway that's that Can I tell you a story?

here's a story you both drive but I know Alan is our actual driving our motoring correspondent but I'd like to hear I parked I parked at a

at a garage to put in some... Well done. I know you find parking stressful. I know. Well, exactly. Well, stick around. Uh-oh.

So I was fueling up. I was putting in some gas. And the way I parked it was, it was a short walk to the hose. Oh, yes, I know what you mean. It was a bit, so I was sort of, yeah, I was a bit of a distance from the, but I thought I'll be in and out in no time. You sort of pulled up a bit, you'd done it at Thelma and Louise, essentially.

Not much time to stop. Yeah, and so I was, it made it very difficult to park neck to the one next to it so you could fill up there do you get my i know exactly what you mean so were you taking up two bays not nearly i was taking a one and a fifth bays anyway so i went i went into the finest the other pump is going to be used by a smart car, but not for anybody else. No, exactly. So anyway, I came back and there was a car really trying to squeeze into this so they could fill up. And I came down and I said, I'll move it.

And the driver was giving me a real look. And I thought, instead of having the sort of argument, I said, look... And I wrote it down, because I got in the car after. I thought, why did I say that? I said, you know, it's hard parking. I've never really worked it out. And the driver said, oh, no, no problem, mate.

And I just sat back while I moved the car. I just opened my heart. There was no comfort. I explained my entire dilemma. How did the vulnerability angle go? Well, no, they really responded. Sounds like it's a good one. But it wasn't a ruse.

I just, I thought, it's hard. We all know how hard it is. I don't think other people do think it's that hard. No, I don't think they do. I've never struggled with pulling up to a petrol pump. But it was quite sweet. Front-facing parking is pretty easy. But as a general thing, parking is almost impossible.

And I thought it was nice that two human beings connected. Yeah. Did you get his number? No. No, I forgot that bit. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Not only does your parking come up sometimes on this show, but also your sense of direction occasionally gets a shout-out.

I didn't crawl as a baby. Oh, that's part of the problem. I crawled quite a lot in the 80s, but it's too late then to install sense of direction. Well, maybe that's why you do have the bad sense of direction. No, no, I told you a psychologist told me that. Often people with really appalling bad sense of direction don't go through the crawling stage.

Right. Well, David Baddiel puts his insomnia down to having been born in America, is that right? He says he's permanently on a different time zone. Oh. Do you believe that? This could be a good text. What theories have you got about yourself that nobody else is buying?

Yeah, Boris Johnson was born in America, wasn't he? Right. I wonder if he has the same problem. Interesting. He's up late some nights. Some nights, yeah. Had an email, Chinatown. Frank gave me directions to his show on Monday.

Oh, yeah, bloke. Bloke stopped me and said, you're on tonight. I said, yes. He said, where is it? Where's the theatre? Yeah. I mean, I'm doing all the jobs now. You're like that man in Carry On Abroad.

I believe the character was called Pepe. OK. You remember, I think he had to go around. They were understaffed, so he had to do all the jobs. Oh, OK. He had to be a receptionist, tour guide, chef. I was doing a bit of that. Well, here's his review.

Great show, but directions to theatre were vague. Well, I think what you've picked on there is a man who's chosen to concentrate on some areas of life and perhaps not on others. Yeah.

Better than... In a sentence, we can really see what's captured your attention over the years. It's better than in a sentence we can really see what's captured your attention over the years it's better than getting great directions

to a not very good show come on mate very good point very good point we've also David Blondell has been in touch

oh yeah the great Blondell the tightrope walker he says Frank he said Blondini is it Blondie who was therope walker. He says, Frank... Was that Blondini? Is it Blondie? Who was the bloke who walked the Niagara Falls?

Blondini? I know Blondie. Okay, yeah, Blondie. David Blondell says, Frank, did you know that Elton John used to play session piano on those Top of the Pops albums before he was famous? Here we were, you see. I said there were people in the rep who were...

He says, it's ironic that you sang Daniel to explain them. Yeah. And he said on at Frank on the radio. I like the branding. He worked in there. Very good. Yeah. So he's one of the stars.

Can I tell you something? Some of our regular readers will know that when I've spoken too much on The Link, Some of our regular readers will know that when I've spoken too much on The Link, the producer, Sarah, puts a small face on my desk to tell me to shut up and move on to music or whatever. She's lost that face. Or it's been snaffled by some super keen memorabilia fan. It's been, I believe the term is nicked.

Well, I think we all have to take responsibilities for things in life. Anyway, she has made a replacement fez, which we'll put on our Instagram things. It's a thing to see. It looks like, it reminds me when a friend of mine scalped someone at a football match and it looks like that

he brought it in the pub that night and put it on the wall disgusting, but anyway it looks like someone's put one of those on top of a letterbox, we'll show you it was a lovely, it was a sterling effort Can we please have an appeal, though, Frank, to catch the perpetrator, the fez?

Because it's really upset me. And I see my role in this as the elderly detective, female detective in Tweed, trying to track down this rascal. Well, I'd say we look for someone with a very small head. That's the first people I'll be great. They'll be helping me with my enquiries. 3, 2, 1.

Oh, lovely. One of my favourites, Dusty Bean. I found out what happened to Dusty Bean. More of that later. Okay. Said with affection and humor anyone who asks frank directions deserves what they get well i think if you listen to the show regular i mean to be honest if you listen to the show i think only last week um i said that i i'd

gone into the cinema next door and said i'm doing a sound check so asking me the direction to the theater was optimistic but not everyone direction to the theatre was optimistic. But not everyone listens to the show. We have to accept that. I've come to accept it. Can I also say respect to 321 for putting in brackets how a text should be read, which is a thing that we tried to instigate at least three years ago.

I'm a big fan of stage directions. I've sent texts to people that they've misunderstood completely. Well, I've just received an email that I misunderstood Sometimes I think I misread your text Oh do you? Yeah I think I do sometimes Do you want to talk about this on air? I'd like to do it on air please Sometimes I think

Oh is he upset, angry or something? Because See that is why there should be stage directions. I know. Set with a twinkle and then you do the thing. Yeah. Like, if I don't get a kiss from you, I get very worried. Oh, well, I thought you were on my kiss list.

Oh. I've been a bit... No, you're very good on that normally, but occasionally... I'm more careful on the kisses than I used to be. Yeah, I know. Well, Cass pointed that out to you. If it's a woman, I have to get a kiss from them first. Oh, is that right?

Yeah, and then I think I'll save that one for... I can use that one in court. Save all your kisses for me? Yeah, exactly. That's how she started it. Oh, I look forward to that trial. Good luck with that. We've also just had a text on the subject of the sense of direction. You've got to have a file nowadays, I'm sorry.

On the subject of the sense of direction, we had a text that confused me momentarily from Gary, double R. They say that Gary's are dwindling, don't they? I imagine the double R Gary's are really dwindling. Well, no Gary's born at all. Ever. It's a new rule. I think it was the year before last it started.

It was the first non-Gary here. Good point. Samuel Beckett. He says, Hi Alan, can you give me directions to the Fraser Theatre? I'll be there Wednesday. Gary. And for a little while this confounded me

and then I remembered I'm a comedian and I'll probably be doing a gig at the Fraser Theatre somewhere I think it's Nairnsborough but I'd like to run this past you does everybody else

sort of commit to their short term memory up to the Sunday and then kind of refresh it again over the weekend is that very much so

the weekend I'll have a look at next week I'll honestly look at next week and go oh already that's come round already At the weekend, I'll have a look at next week. I'll honestly look at next week and go, ooh, oh, what, already?

That's come round already. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. I can't, I don't know. Do you... Next Wednesday until Monday. It's like when you've got one of those, when you're streaming a show, I think. Right.

I've never streamed a show, can I be honest with you, darling? Oh, my goodness me. I'm a streamer. Okay, let's say a box set. You're never streamed a show. Can I be honest with you, darling? Oh, my goodness me. Okay, let's say a box set. You're familiar with that? Yes. So when you think, I'll just do two more episodes tonight

and I'll leave it there. That's how I see my calendar. I only want to do the next two, three days. But you've talked about it. I really want to look at my next week. I'm going to do it now. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

A couple of humorous messages on Twitter regarding the missing Fez. Oh, yes? I mean, I just read them because I think they'll appeal to you two because you're the pun demographic, aren't you? Can be. I'm not, but Stephenhen burgess says hire a private infestigator okay chris holton has it been confiscated i mean they've gone for the first syllable. Laboured. Laboured, I think.

OK, let's move on to Chris Dawks, who's got... Do you know Chris Dawks? No, but thanks for the tip. Is he a friend of Rich Dawks? If I was friends with Richard Dawkins, I would call him that. Rich Dawks is probably a Facebook group, isn't it? I've met some Rich Dawks in my time. Rich Dawks is probably a Facebook group.

I've met some Rich Dawks in my time. Chris Dawks has news about Dusty Bin. Oh, OK. Because I was asking about him now, wasn't I? For our three younger listeners, there was a big hit game show in the 80s, would you say? Yeah, I'm going to go 80s. Possibly even late 70s. I was did by Ted Rogers. Do you know Ted Rogers?

No. Now then. Now then. And I was working with Ted Rogers once on a show called Gag Tag and at the end we have to do a thing where you say you've been a marvellous audience, but...

And then do a joke. Everyone had to do one of those. So you'd have a couple up your sleeve in case you did one that didn't work, so they could then put the good one in the edgy. So Ted said, you've been a marvellous audience, but... And then he did a joke and it didn't work. We thought, fair enough, it's fine.

Then he did another one, didn't work. Then he did a third one. And then he just another one didn't work then he did a third one and then he just went oh it's a terrible sound of defeat

oh poor Ted Ted was very anyway he had a game show where you had very complicated riddles

and you had to is it find dusty bin what it was yeah you had to it was a bin with a face

on it it was a bin with a face on it. It was a bin with a face. Rather creepy. And essentially, these riddles were a bit like the riddle of the Sphinx. It was like,

my first is in... So hard. And then he would explain them, going, no, you said that, no, you meant... And so bin rhymes with sin, Dusty Bean, and the booby prize at the end.

Well, there were several prizes, but you didn't want to get him. He represented failure. If you got Dusty Bin, it meant you got nothing. Did you actually get a little model of Dusty Bin to keep? Well, at the time, you would also, because obviously the speedboat was the great aspirational lifestyle choice then.

Yeah. I mean, they hadn't thought these through 70s people, they're expensive to run. The petrol, the mooring costs, etc. Well, on Bullseye where they got the speed, I mean, I think famously two blokes from Dudley in the West Midlands won it. It's not speedboat country. I mean, 140 miles from the sea or something like that.

It's very transport- based because the caravan also featured in 321. Yeah. With little windows, with little curtains, orange curtains. My parents would always say, oh, they'll sell that.

They'll sell that so it's away. That'll be an exchange in March come the weekend. Anyway, so I think we've established Sorry about Dusty.

So Dusty being a sort of booby prize. Yes. Can you still say that? I don't know. He had music. Where's the manual? You know how Bully had the music?

I believe he had music as well, Dusty Bin, but I can't remember. Did he? Okay. A couple of weeks ago, you asked whatever happened to Dusty Bin. Well, I can reassure you that he's clearly enjoying his retirement in the archives at ITV Yorks. There's a picture of Dusty Bin. I have to say it's not looking great. When you showed me that picture, you said he was in the archive. I thought they'd left him by the bins.

A picture that had been left by the bins. And then I realised he was the bin in the picture. It's very confusing. He genuinely looks like he's aged. Honestly, I know that sounds strange, but if we could put this up on the social medias, because he looks really... It's pallor.

He looks really washed out. I'm not suggesting he's a has-been. He must be. Maybe it's because the graphics... He must be in his late 30s. I don't know how old he was on the show. Well, maybe it's because the graphics look dated. How old is he in bin years?

Yeah. Well, he actually looks dirty. Well, he's in bin. He's part of his shtick. Exactly. It's a pity him and Top Cat didn't get together. They could have toured. Also...

Oh, man. We've also had another email from Gary, double R, who emailed a little while with a request. Can you think of a famous Gary with a double R? The only one that comes to mind is, I believe, Gary Birtles, the former Nottingham, Nottingham Forest centre forward was double R, I think. Is Gary Tulaney, the comic, just one R?

I think he's one R. I think he's one R. Shandling? Oh, Gary Shandling. Might be double. Gone, of course. No, I don't know. I think he might just be double. Gone, of course. No, I don't know. I think he might just be one.

No, he's double R, I think. Is he double? Anyway. I'll be really pleased if he is. But gone. Anyway, he texted with a question for directions to my show that I'd forgotten. Oh, yes.

He's then followed her with, Hi, Frank, also... At the... at Nairsborough. Nairsborough. Can I also get directions to Hull City Hall again on a

Wednesday 18th of September please which I'm extrapolating is perhaps a Frank Skinner show is it

I don't know but I think City Hall that's the sort of place you can find in a in a in a

that's a big place the obligation's on him now yeah come on guys again I don't want to block out That's a big place. The obligation's on him now. Yeah. Come on, guys. Again, I don't want to block our famous rival, Google. I've already been condemned for bringing them up. Condemned for bringing up Spotify, which I never mentioned.

I didn't even know it still existed. But I'll be honest with you. What happened to me is I went to the Brit Awards and I was given a free three-month trial of Apple Music. Oh, yeah. And I've never looked back. Really? Yeah. Amazing.

It's amazing. Goodness me. And I'm not in their pay. I'm just telling you, it's made my life very happy. Wow. First band I listened to on there, The Course. I just sucked at Apple Music. Apple Course.

No, I did. I've never listened to The Course on there. Who would? 8, 12, 15. Someone saw Ted Rogers in a tea room in Peterfield. Okay. Place, not some bloke's field. When I met him. Oh, sorry. He was bloke's field. Well, when I met him,

I'm sorry. He was having a scom. Why wouldn't he? He went jam then cream. The correct way, in my opinion. Wow, he was really studying, poor old Ted.

Very self-conscious. Ted Rogers stalker on Saturday morning radio. Ted, can I just say, Ted Rogers, my final word on him, as if it will be my final, I love that man,

but he loved a grey slack and a navy single-breasted blazer with a gold line. Oh, he really did. Do you know the type of man I mean? 70s light-end look. But he was, as a comic, I think he was quite, he used to do, like, topical stuff. You know that sort of topical stuff that isn't, when they'd get a newspaper and go through

and it was stuff they'd been doing for two years. He had a bit of that to it. But I think he was very nice when I met him. There was a bit when he swore, and this was on Fantasy Football. He didn't swear on the show, but he swore in the rehearsal. And then he turned to the studio, and because it was Fantasy Football,

he was trying to keep it all in-house. He said, sorry, ladies, if I turn the air Chelsea blue. Keep it football, Ted. What a pro. Is he... I'll Google him. Is he... I'll Google him. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I've just gone and met this, my last Ted Rogers anecdote. Worst words I've ever heard in my life. This morning, Ted was saying to me, I'd say what you're up to at the moment, which is always a mistake to ask anyone in the entertainment business. He said, I'm doing my one-man show about Danny Kaye. Now, Danny Kaye, if you remember, was a big film star, a big American film star, famous for Tongue Twisters and stuff like that.

He did legendary shows at the Palladium in the 60s, I think it was. People still talk about some of the great live shows. Anyway, so he did a one-man show about him. He did his songs and told his life story. He said, I start off, he said, I go on stage and I say, tonight I'm going to tell the story of Daniel David Kowalski. He said, that's his real name. And he says, so I'll get a laugh on the name.

And I thought, do we? You get a laugh on St. Daniel David Kowalski? And these were different times where people thought, what a foreign name. Ha ha! Wow. I mean, we've made a lot of progress in that regard. We have.

We have. If I try that at the Leicester Square Theatre, I don't think it's going to work. No. On the subject of names, 327 has texted regarding the decline of Gary's. By the way, this whole text message is in caps, which makes me think 327 is angry at us.

Regarding the decline of Gary's, the same can also be said about Barry's and Larry's. Only Harry's, brackets, royal connection are prolific. Why 327? You know, it's the bin up the road. It's a bit jealous. 321's getting all the attention. But we were specifically talking about the double R.

The minority within the minority. Gary Bushell. Those are names I think that are all... Oh, is that double R? Bushell strikes me as very double R. I smell a double R on Bushell. I'm not sure. I think you mean in Brazil, don't you?

I love the word R on bushel. I'm not sure. I think you mean in brassiere, don't you? I love the word brassiere. Thank you. Bushel is a double R. I'll stake, I mean, I'll have a wager with you. I'm not sure. Okay. I've just got a feeling. Anyway, the point was, I mean, Harry's, Larry's,

and what was this other one he used? Barry. Did you check bushel? I think they don't get single R, do they? No. So we're talking about the specific branch of Gary's. Yes. And their rareness.

So come on. We've got a boffin in a lab coat working on it. A boffin with one F or two. Working on the bushel. Okay. Frank. I'd like to use the show. It's double R.

Is it? Is it really? Excellent. Just briefly, I'd like to do a little public service broadcast. Frank and team, this is from 295, who's texted, in relation to broken debit cards, just to help any listeners that spend a long part of their day sitting, keeping anything in your back pocket, wallet, etc.,

heightens the risk of MSDs, musculoskeletal disorders. Does he? Nobody wants a bad back. What about if it's a betting slip? I don't imagine that would, although I suppose it's like the pee in the bed story, isn't it? I've told you never

to tell that on air. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Whenever I'm out driving, I mean driving myself now, not in the back of a vehicle. Been driven.

Yeah, but when I'm actually driving myself, well, I tell you what, occasionally, you know, people cut you up or people go past you at 110 miles an hour on the motorway and stuff of course it happens

it's part of life but I have noticed I started keeping a sort of a general mental log of what make of car

was the most involved in aggressive cutting people up tailgating all all those things. Do you want us to guess? Well, go on, yeah. I wasn't going to plan a guess, but go on.

What would yours be? I'm going to go obscure. Zastava Yugo. I wouldn't know one of those if they... To be honest, it's a car that my mum had when I was at school, like a Czech make. I thought he played for United. That's what that sounds like.

It was a much derided... Zastava Yugo. I'd like played for United. That's what that sounds like. A much derided... Zasko for you, girl. I'd like to throw something in. Range Rover. Ooh. Good shout. Can I tell you, I would say,

and I'm not exaggerating, let me get it so I'm not exaggerating, I would say 70% of the aggressive driving I see, maybe 73%, is Audi drivers. Is that right? Yeah. Why?

I narrowly missed out there. So not the Benz, fortunately. Yeah, but what is it? Texters, 8, 12, 15. Yeah, there's got to be a reason, something that attracts people to that car, aggressive people. What's under the Audi driver's anger iceberg? That's what we want to know. Does it mean that angry people think,

I want a car, and let me have a look at the alphabetical list. I've got time for this. I'll have that one. Yeah. It's so... Now I've started noticing it. I think I've got...

I even sometimes can't see what the car is, and I hear the... I bet that's an Audi. Lo and behold right and then with the lovely Olympic symbols as well

well more or less yeah and it's not quite the Olympian as we know it's ring based what do they symbolise those rings

yeah and the lovely Tolkien imagery do you think maybe there's just it's more Wagner I can imagine he'd be an aggressive driver I believe it's Worsprung

actually if you know what I mean. Were they the ones that used it? Vorsprung Technic was the Audi strap line for many years. Oh, that was at Audi. Great advertising campaign. You still remember it all these years later. I like the idea that Wagner was an aggressive driver.

No, he would have been. Who had quite a lot of late reviews on this show? When you got the ride of the Valkyrie on your cassette player, I mean, that's not going to bring out the best in you, is it? He had bad road rage, I reckon. Oh, man. What, Marla? No, Marla was a bit depressed when he drove.

I don't really know his stuff. I've got to be straight with you. Do you think there's just like a group fault in all of the Audi cars? The speeder says 30 and it's actually doing 90, do you think that could be it? I think there is a fault as they say, the problem is the nut behind the wheel you know what I'm talking about

just about keep an eye out now anyway for it, you'll see it's a theory I'd love to get to the bottom of, I must say what else? well here's something. Well, I'll tell you... Was this all right?

I went to a restaurant. Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I just have to tell you, Stephen Burchess has seen the Danny Kaye show on YouTube. You're joking. He said, the audience is about 30 pensioners with their coats on.

OK. I will be watching this. This sounds extraordinary. But does he get a laugh on the name? He doesn't say that. Steve, please tell us what happens. I hope the one that they've immortalised is not the show where he didn't get a laugh on the name.

I mean, he'd be furious about that. I'm just tense that we're advertising YouTube again. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I interrupted you. I think we're alright advertising the Ted Rogers, Danny K1 man show. I think that's okay.

RIP Ted Rogers. No, no, go on. Well, I feel very disrespectful adding something, but I was just going to solve your Audi question. Ros Bridges has tweeted us to say, Audi, I'm afraid she says and BMWs, sorry, Frank,

are usually driven by balding middle-aged men in sunglasses. Oh. Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say that. Do we do adverts for Audi? No, we're all right. I mean, we're very... I think we might. No, I think we're very all-embracing here. In fact, if I remember rightly,

we buy any car. We buy any car. It's often a riddle to me what will light up the switchboard. My first is in fish but not in sea. On this show. I have to say, I mean, there was a time when I got the name of a skillet pan mixed up and we got quite a lot of crexiones, but you slagging off Audi drivers has really lit up the system.

I don't know if I slagged them off exactly. In my experience, they are, I mean, by quite a big margin, the most aggressive and brutish drivers on the roads I travel. Well, let's just say on this occasion, everybody else have become aggressive text messengers to this show in agreement with you. There's a lot of agreement. 736 has a two-pronged attack. He's managed to answer the Audi.

I think the Audi thing is that loads of them get used as company fleet cars. They get driven by company reps who burn up and down the country permanently late and in a bit of a temper. And also when it's not your car, one does drive a bit differently. He adds an NB. Oh, I love an NB. My name is Basil, and I quite often get called Barry,

as people just can't compute the fact, I think that means, that I have such a ridiculous ancient name but I get too embarrassed to correct them so it sticks there are people I've known casually for years who still think I'm called Barry I'd rather be a Basil than a Barry Me too, that's too nice

Is that a musical song? No I think, isn't it Simon and Garfunkel I'd rather be a Basil than a berry. We've had some confirmation of that. For example, 560, this is Claire. She's also said company cars, reps late for meetings.

Oh, OK. This seems to be most widely held theory. I'm sure I've been caught up by them on the weekend as well. I suppose once you get into that habit of driving like that. Yeah. Can I say that's always been men once you get into that habit of driving like that. Yeah. Can I say that's always been men? Can I point that out? Well, quite.

And some of the messages that we've received about Audi drivers are unbroadcastable, but we take your point. Yes. But, madam, I sympathise with your husband. We've also... Yeah, but you shouldn't. No, no, I know, I know. We couldn't read that out.

Of course we couldn't. I mean, you know, I know. We couldn't read that out. No, of course we couldn't. I mean, you know, she might be happily married. Yeah. There's... On the surface. There is another message from... There was a chap here who was also... He was a little bit put out

because he was saying, look, people always go on about Audi drivers. Do they? Well, he's an Audi driver and he said he's discovered issues with the Corsa driver. Oh, yes. The young people in souped-up Corsas. Oh, I thought you meant

the Corsa driver as in those who were a bit coarser than the average driver. Don't describe me. Yes. No. He said he's a little bit put out. But he said he's... Can I say I was not aware that it's a general... This is a theory I've put together myself

based purely on field research. I didn't know it was a generally held view. As Groucho Marx used to say, well it's the first I heard of it. Yes. He just says he doesn't belong to a club that will accept you as a member. Or as Mr.

Bean would say, oh all right, Mr Bean? He's choking. Get his tie off. He's choking. Get his tie off. Frank, imagine trying to have a serious conversation. If he was my partner and say, Look, Bean, I'm just worried

because... You wouldn't call him Bean. What? How do you know his name? Has he got a first name? Has? Barry. He's not called Barry Bean. He made that up. Barry Bean. I don't know his first name is

we're not allowed to know I just said oh Barry I'm just not sure because I feel really committed to this relationship and you're sort of do you love me though Barry it would be difficult I think there's one of the films where he does

get the girl Oh man there's this very funny bit where he takes someone to the cinema What about if I had bad medical news to break to him

Barry I've got Crohn's disease No he shouldn't be in the doctor doctor doctor being he shouldn't be in that You don't want him

breaking whatever you wouldn't be able to. You don't want him breaking, whatever, you wouldn't be able to tell what he was saying. What's the result of the test? Sorry? Very awful.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I have just received a text, but this is on my personal number, which I don't give out. I think it's what I would call his master's voice.

Am I right? Well, I've received a text from Paul, who's our boss. Exactly. Well, quite. He says in regards to Sian, who was asking about Shakespeare's sister. Do you remember? Yeah, she was toying with the idea of requesting a Shakespeare's sister, because she says she never hears them on the radio.

Shakespeare sister with no E on the end, interestingly. Please tell Sian to listen to Absolute Radio 90s. I've just realised I'm listening on said 90s station, which is why this text is weirdly an hour out of date. Yeah, Sian, don't go into 90s straight away, or you'll hear our last hour. I love an Absolute Radio 90s. I love an 80s. Unless you really enjoyed the last hour, in which

case you could listen again immediately. Yeah. But there is no one like that in the world. If you like hearing texts about Audis, then straight to it. Something Mr Bean would do. Oh, did we get any updates on Mr Bean's first name?

I don't think we did, did we? We had someone suggesting it was Mr. 211 suggested, sorry to break it to you, Frank, but Mr Bean's first name is Basil. He's just too embarrassed to correct you. I don't know if we've already covered that. That's a bat reference. That's good.

I like it. I'm going to stick with him as Barry. Can I tell you about a strange thing I did this week? Please do. I did something a bat reference. That's good. I like it. I'm going to stick with him as Barry. Can I tell you about a strange thing I did this week? Please do. I did something a little cool. And I'm not very cool. Oh, come on. No, I'm not.

I'm fabulous, but I'm not cool. Oh, come on. You are fabulous. I went to see Nick Cave at the market. Does that surprise you slightly? Let's be honest. It's a bit like when I saw former Hampshire and England batsman Mark Nicholas at the Lou Reed gig. Yes.

Yeah, I did think. Have you taken the wrong...? Yes. Yeah. Well, you weren't the only one to think that, because obviously the demographic was a lot of black, and it was said it had been a sunny day, and the Goths, there's a big Goth demographic.

Can I tell you something? Before we get into the meat of this... Launch into the caveman. Yeah. Nick Cave I put in the same box as Donnie Darko in that a lot of people said to me, you've got to watch Donnie. It's so you, Donnie Darko.

You'll love it. And when I watched it, I thought, how dare you? And it sort of made me wear it because a lot of people have said to me, but you must love Nick Cave. He absolutely fits the rest of all the stuff you listen to. And I've never gone to him for that reason. You've never entered the cave? I'm thinking, yeah.

I suppose the cave is on my back burner, as it were. That's somewhere I'm going to go. I'm saying in my later years, but I don't know how long I'm planning to live, for goodness sake. Maybe it's a place we could meet for a chat or something. Yeah, yeah. But he's one of the high forehead celebs that me and him should get on.

Yes. Well, he's got a high forehead. He really has. And what I like is the commitment to the raven black hair still yeah I like that in people good on you Cave so I went with

my friend Malcolm who's he's more of a musicals fan I think it's fair to say okay yeah but he loves a bit of the Caveman

okay so we went to the barbecue and it turned out to be not a concert as such but a Q&A oh interspersed with the odd song.

So he did play. Three hours though. A Q&A with singing. Three hours. Three hours. Not in one go. Sure there was an interval. I was desperate for the toilet.

No, there must have been an interval. No. No interval. Cave just goes straight through. Three hours consecutive. Three hours of cave. Legend alerts. I'd have had to have gone like,

I'd have had to have gone like, you know those baby men who wear nappies, this is websites. I'd have had to have gone like, you know those baby men who wear nappies, websites. I'd have had to have gone like that. With a big rattle. Oh, wow. That's the only way I'd have got through, for goodness sake. I mean, I'm a human being.

People forget that. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So I'm telling you about my night at the cave, man. Night in the cave, yeah. I liked him because he was a bit of a git. He reminded me of... I think that's why people...

No offence taken, but I think that's why people might think you're like him, Frank, because he's got that gittishness. It's a kind of lovable Gittishness. Okay. So with the Q&As, there's sort of a social contract, really, that you say, thanks so much, what was your name? Thanks for that question.

Yeah. Not for the cave. Okay. He says, he'll keep saying, sorry, I didn't understand. What are you talking about? He's a bit more like that. He's a bit tricky. Oh, God.

Do people still put their hands up? Well, they say, I'm a massive fan. And you could see him going, OK, you know. But one man said, Nick, I'm the same. You see that? I'm warm to that. I know. I think you would like him.

Now, I mean people saying, I'm a massive fan. Oh, you would like that. He said, one man said, Nick Nick I'm the same age as you and Cabe said really what happened and the man replied the man said

I did a proper job Frank he did say that did he he said I worked for a living oh whoa quite right

quite right Gittishness is not a one word street it would appear I want to open the gig door. Anyway. What did he say back to that? Did he laugh?

Does he ever laugh? You can't really see with the paleness of the complexion. He's gaunt as well. He's absolutely copyrighted gauntness. He's just John Gaunt. He is. His trousers were hanging off him, but the paleness is like... He's William John Gaunt he is his trousers were hanging off him but the paleness is like he is William of Gaunt

there can't be any more Gaunts now surely if they did a Channel 5 documentary the man who could never who'd never seen sunlight yeah they would do that about Cabe

anyway well I think he gets he makes snooker players look healthy he gets he gets slight chafing on his inner cheeks because they rub against each other.

And also a striped Frankenstein monster with the suit. So, do you mean the trouser leg is short on Cave? Anyway, the point is, I want to tell you this story because... We should make the point, having said this, the people you meet who like Nick Cave are utterly obsessed with him. I mean, he has got a devoted following. Someone said, what songs of other people's

do you listen to? He said, no, I only listen to my own. Brilliant. Did he really? You must like that fact. Come on. Yes.

Anyway. I remember Robert Fripp saying he couldn't listen to other guitarists because he might get influenced. Right. Has he run out of toy, I believe, didn't he?

Love it. Anyway. Yes, I think he did. As I was in the lobby, guys, of the Barbican, I noticed there was a summer events programme on the stand, and I thought, oh, I'll pick that up and have a look. My musical-loving friend, I noticed on mine, what was nice, they'd done a rather clever effect, which was in silver font.

They'd had Benedict Cumberbatch's signature on the front of the magazine. And then my friend Malcolm picked up a copy and I said, hang on, there's no Benedict Cumberbatch signature on your copy. Right. And then I looked at all the other copies and there was no Benedict Cumberbatch

silver signature. Golden ticket. I had got... Well, of course I looked at it and I panicked and I thought, has someone got this signed and left it I couldn't see what it said it looked like it said

to Theo Darbican okay went over to the bar there was a bar man called Jesus you've won the prize haven't you there's got to be a prize

for the signed Benedict Cumberbatch he said my name is Jesus he's Spanish I don't know if I can do the accent but yeah Jero

Jero said someone play a joke someone play a joke on you I said no honestly so I showed do the accent. Yeah. Heho. Heho, it said. For a cunt. Someone play a joke. Someone play a joke on you. I said, no, honestly. So I showed him all the other programmes. He went, oh, my God. Oh, it's from him. He Googled the signature.

Let's see the signature. He Googled the signature. We checked. It was right. A woman in a barbican headphones came over. Yes, this is... He leaves them there sometimes. I said, I can't take it.

But is it a golden ticket? Do you win a trip to... I said, do I win anything? No, I don't. I said, I can't take it. But is it a golden ticket? Do you win a trip to... I said, do I win anything? No, I don't. She said, just take it. My point is, I think he's a nice enough bloke. I'm not a diehard fan.

I'd like to give it to one of our readers, Frank. Maybe they'd like a Benedict Cumberbatch programme because it's a signed programme from Benedict Cumberbatch. Would anyone like it? Well, OK. I don't know if we're allowed to do competitions. Because it's a signed programme from Benedict Cumberbatch. That's cool. Would anyone like it? Well, OK. I don't know if we're allowed to do competitions.

I was just thinking about the Ofcom rules. Should we look in the booklet? We'll look in the book. It's not a competition, though, is it? Because we're just giving it away. Can you find out, please? Surely we can give stuff away. Has Christianity lost that much influence in this country?

Oh, sorry, everyone. I've been under a lot of country? Oh, sorry, everyone. I've been under a lot of pressure. Yes, apparently, yes. If any of our readers would like a Benedict Cumberbatch signed programme, I would like to give it to them. Brilliant. Well, let's come up with a way of giving it, Frank.

I think we need to check if we can do a competition. We will check first, but I'm just saying it's on my person, OK? OK. And I really thought he was going to say I got to stay the night in his house or something because it was like a golden ticket. Well, that's what I thought. I really hoped it was. So he just goes there and signs them randomly.

She said to me he had a wonderful time here. And Neil Gaiman apparently does it as well. In bookshops, he randomly signs them. He said he had a wonderful time here. I mean, I don't go back to exes' flats and sign things. We've all had wonderful times places. Well, I certainly don't sign things. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Anyway, yes, we'll work out. But I think that's a brilliant thing to do. If I was as famous as him, I'd do it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking previously on ER about... We were talking. ..the Benedict Cumberbatch autograph.

Yeah, the mystery autograph. I picked up by mistake. That's great. And I felt some guilt, I've got to be honest, about holding on to it. I don't know why that was. I just felt, well, I don't have a right to this. And the lady said, well, no, you take it. Yeah, I think someone will put it.

I mean, whatever we do, it'll end up on eBay. Do you think it will? Yeah, I think so. Whoever ends up with the Benedict Cumberbatch autograph, please don't put it on eBay. Come on, you're better than that. I find that upsetting. Well, a couple of people have messaged

wanting to have it. They've asked for it themselves. I'm having that. But I think you're going to give it away in a different fashion. We're going to do it on the socials. We'll do it on Twitter, so we'll put a picture up of it and, yeah. If I like the cut of your jib, you'll get it. Thank you. I don't think people's jibs should be involved, but that's fine.

We've also had someone texting in regarding Dusty Bin, Frank. Oh, yes. We've been discussing him this morning and Stuart Barnes... This really should be on Absolute 80s. Yeah.

...says, I remember an answer to one of the clues... We should say, we were saying before, I think it's for all your masterminds and all that, this was a populist sort of saturday night quiz for it for the all the family it had the hardest clues of anything it was harder than only connect um qi whatever i hope you're not suggesting they didn't want to give away those expensive prizes there was no prizes that's my they didn't want to give away the caravan. So, go on. Yes, a lot of people have been texting in

so they watched it with their grandparents. Stuart Barnes. I remember an answer to one of the clues on 321. Ted said, you've turned the clue down because of the word drab. Drab backwards is bard. The bard was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare lived in Stratford-upon-Avon.

Avon backwards is Nova. So you would have won a Vauxhall Nova if you hadn't been such an idiot. I couldn't see that stare in your eye in the face. From the word drab. It was a programme which I think featured the word drab. I think it was

a sort of light motif on there. Oh, man. So that was hard. Oh, dear. Anyway, to more modern happenings, I believe that the Conservative and Unionist Party are seeking a new leader. They sure are, and it has been heavily featured

in the news cycle this week, hasn't it? Oh, has it? It really has. I love that. They had the leadership debate

on Monday night on the television. They had two, didn't they? They had the, I call it the 15 to 1. Yeah. That was the neon podium.

I didn't catch that one. And the Westlife reunion tour. 15 to 1, the popular quiz programme. That was the Neon Podium. I didn't catch that one. And the Westlife Reunion Tour. 15 to 1, the popular quiz programme. I remember I used to work at Capital Studios doing fantasy football, where they did 15 to 1. And one of the weeks, one of the contestants got mogged leaving the studio, which is quite a bit of a sensation,

obviously a horrible story. And somebody said, fancy though, one of the contestants getting mogged. And I said, yeah, what's the chances of that? And the answer, and Bill Stewart, who hosted it, on the last whenever they did the last show

of the series they used to sort of fence off one room one table in the canteen and Bill had steak

that day the only person they had they did one steak for Bill Stewart oh the golden age of television ladies and gentlemen.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I saw the Monday night leadership, Tory leadership chat, and I don't really identify, Emily Dean, with the Conservative Party or the leadership, but I did think of you all the way through it because they'd been forced to sit on high stools and I know that you hate them. And they couldn't seem to get comfortable and it just reminded me of doing this show

where you fidget with your high chair. When you say fidget, I mean, you two walk into this studio, I don't even know if you're aware of this, Frank Skinner, you essentially just sit down, jobs are good. I have to clamber up. It takes between five and eight seconds. I have to pause. I thought you were going to say minutes. No, I wasn't going to do that.

I thought I was going to go literal. Why not? I have to actually break for Kendall Mint cake sometimes. The level of exhaustion. I'm tired. I feel like I've climbed a summit. It's very... My legs tangle down like I'm in a pterodactyl's mouth Well you can always follow the Andy Bush

method which is to stand for the whole show There have been a few occasions where I've joined my hands together and didn't like a man-made stirrup for Emily I love a man-made stirrup All I'm saying is the stool.

I don't like a stool. Well, Rory Stewart struggled with it, didn't he? He sort of planted his feet on the floor and stretched his legs out. It looked a bit distinctive from the others. Well, I don't know if you know, but I remember a thing. I saw Michael Gove on a train once. Oh, you did, yes. And he had the biggest bottom I've ever seen on a slim, basically fairly slim man.

He had an enormous body. I think they should have had him sitting on it like a big golf tee. That would have been perfect. So I worry about him on a high stool. Imagine if they were all on stools and he was on a beanbag. Yeah, exactly. I think he could have sat on the floor and they was on a beanbag. Yeah, exactly. I think he could have sat on the floor

and they could have sat on him. Although Bojo's got junk in the trunk. No, no, but he looks like he's a rotund man but I think if Gove had a desk job

you'd never know about the... He's got the centaur. I think he could be a centaur. Maybe. I think that's possible. Do you think that Rory Stewart was trying... He's got the centaur. I think he could be a centaur. Maybe. I think that's possible. Do you think that Rory Stewart was trying... He's not further right than that.

Oh. Oh, very good. Rory Stewart, what? Do you think he was trying to become a talking point when he took his tie off? Because all the rest of them had the tie on their... They had the microphone on their tie, but he had it on his lapel.

Because he does that thing of, like, it looks like he's wearing his... a kid wearing his dad's suit. Yes. It's like the really big clothes he wears. He looks like a man who, if he took his tie off, the whole thing would drop off him, like he was in a sack, a tied-up sack with his head sticking out. And thank goodness he just didn't drop off him

and he was just sitting naked with all the clothes at the base of the tall stool. One of the bag of golds you've talked about. That's insane. I bet he wears a small red loincloth underneath. Do you think he looks like... You know what happened to Mowgli after he went to the human village? It looks like we'll give him this dead man's clothes to wear and he can educate himself in that tree hut.

I quite like him, can I say, off the top of this. It doesn't put me off him in any way. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Before we condemn high stools too much, I mean, that is... That was a big part of me learning to swim, having a high stool at home. I got all my strokes in order, yeah.

Did you? Yeah, on the high stool. I like that you're concerned about offending the high stool demographic. Community, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, people go on about austerity and all that and how the government has... I don't think... I've been in two mazes in the last 18 months

that didn't have the maze advisor on the high stool if you got hopelessly lost. Remember, they used to have a man with one of those Cecil B. DeMille... Yeah. Those things like a funnel, voice funnel. Yes, and they had on the exalted director's chair, essentially. Yeah, and they would be saying,

you need to go left and then right, sir, and all that. They seem to have got people. It's a tremendous image for what's happened because the guidance from above has gone. I believe D.W. Griffiths in the silent movie era, from my days working then, used to shout simple emotions at the actors. Good silent.

Grief, laughter, joy, pain. I'm going to try that with the gigs. Laughter! See if it works. So we were talking about the debate, the heated debate yeah I mean five blokes on high stools, I suppose the ones that didn't win

could end up doing a bit of summer work as umpires at Wimbledon, that might be a back up plan for them I don't like people sitting underneath me eating bananas it's always been a pet's good to have a rule. It's always been a pet hate.

Good to have a rule. Why do you think so? Rory rejected the footrest. Can we point this out? Was there an option for a footrest? Yes, they all had footrests. Dying without wings footrest, he didn't. Can I say, I have warmed to Rory Stewart.

I think he would have been my choice, but not that I'm a member of the Conservative Party, can I point out. But... Let me be absolutely clear on this. Let me be absolutely clear. I think it is a shame that his real name, his first name is actually Roderick.

And he's obviously thought, I can't be Rod Stewart. That will ruin my political career. Oh, yes, that's a good point. So he's gone for the Rory thing. And I think that is, I wish he'd backed himself and gone as Rod Stewart.

I like Roy Stewart, but I thought post-Tiegate, you know, he took his tie off and then it was discovered that... You think it was cynical, do you? I think those suggestions it was. I think he wanted to become a trending topic and I think he wanted to look different from them.

I just wish he'd pushed it further and taken tie off and then the jacket and then the shirt and then put the jacket back on and then everybody would have definitely been talking about him for the whole week. I felt taking that, it was a bit, you can leave your hat on. I mean I don't, it's a bit of a weird magic mic

Google it boys. Well, there used to be a TV show called I Think This Is Tom Jones on Sunday nights. And at the end of it, when Tom did his last couple of numbers, he used to undo his bow tie. We were. And it was suggested, you know, I'm singing now and I'm really so far into it,

a tie is only restraining me. A bit like, as we all remember, I think I'm going to dance now from Kiss. Yes. He did say Rory, didn't he? He said, I was frustrated. That's why I, because Adam Bolton said to Monsky, what was the stuff with the tie?

And he said, I think I was getting pretty frustrated. I thought if I took my tie off, we could go back to a bit of reality. Yeah, it's an interesting, it's putting a lot of faith in you. An interesting lie, that. Yeah. Well, we don't know for sure. I love him, but I'm not buying the tie. I don't like the idea that he sat for a meeting with his advisors

and saying, how can I win this? And they said, well, if you take your tie off. And he said, yes, of course. He also had his hand in his pocket. And apparently the suggestion is he copied that from Nick Clegg because that worked for him on a debate once. Imagine someone does that, studies previous debates. Get a life, to quote Frank Skinner.

But he had his hand in his pocket suggesting, I suppose it's a bit, I don't know if you remember the Grattan catalogue, it was the man modelling a leather jacket with a friend, one hand pointing into the horizon. Yeah, sometimes a pipe. An unlit pipe.

If he'd gone for that, I mean, then. Oh, wow. Anyway, we'll never know, will we? He'll be back, I mean, then, anyway, we'll never know, will we? He'll be back, I should think. Oh,

yeah. But, he needs to meet up. That's my, yeah. Al, could you give us some tips? Maybe he could go to some grapples with you.

So, look, can I, he's a bloke who I think, what he should have done, is, to get the trending thing, is to suddenly, jump straight out of that suit.

Just for the moment that it just stood on its own before it crumpled. I think he could have done that if he could have got his foot on the footrest. Just jump straight out of it like a dog out of a sack. So, can I say before I say the normal farewell it is the birthday of that woman I choose to call my mother-in-law today Sandy Mason and so yes I send her a birthday greeting she's truly a remarkable loving not only interesting but interested woman

and 108 years of age. God bless her. I'm guessing. I'm guessing, but it's got to be up there. No, no, but I wish her a truly happy birthday. I'm sure we all do. And thank you for listening to us. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Outrise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!