The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Manspreading

Episode Date: September 5, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is away this week so the Divine Miss Em takes the reigns joined by Alun and Gareth . The team discuss Kanye for President, Manspreading and Keith Richards latest 'late review'.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning! This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. I'm not Frank Skinner, as it goes. My name's Emily Dean and I'm standing in for Frank this morning. He's decided to spend a bit more time with his family and he asks that you give him the space and privacy that he needs at this time. That's not true at all. I think, what's he doing, guys? Is he filming some would-I-lie-to-you-buzzcocks thing?

I don't know. I think he's doing one of those tough mudder runs where they run across obstacles and through, like, trenches with mud in them. I think he's doing one of those. He'll be good at that. So he's not here, but I am joined this morning by the cockerel, who's back. Morning. And Gareth.

Hello. It's like having an ex and a current in the studio, which is kind of a bit awks, but I rather like it. It does feel awks, yeah. I'm enjoying it. Hello, Gareth. Hello, Alan. Arms across the ocean there. That was the most awkward thing I've ever heard.

Hello, Gareth. Hello, Alan. Well, it wasn't even hello, Alan. He forgot my name partway through this. Hello, Alan. I was trying wasn't even Hello, Alan. He forgot my name partway through this. Hello, Alan. I was trying to undermine you. How it works. I'm in Elmer Lee's seat.

Elmer Lee. That's a good start. You can't even pronounce my name. You were speaking going this far ago. 100%. Do you know what this is like? This is like when, I think, when David Cameron and Michael Howard are sort of forced to walk together at the Cenotaph or something.

I'm enjoying it. You're back from your little show in Edinburgh. I am, yes. How's it been? I've had a win very well. I'm not supposed to call it the little show, Emily. Are you not? I think that's the thing I do to other people all the time. Frank never minds it when I do that. I haven't done my housekeeping. Oh yeah, do your housekeeping.

It's a mess. Gareth, you can't talk over me. That's the rule of the show. You can text the show on 8-12-15. What can you text the show on, Gareth? 8-12-15. Very good. You can follow the show on Twitter, which is at Frank on the radio.

You can email the show. But no one ever does that because it seems a bit old school. Email? We get some, don't we? Yeah. We should say we're a bit chaotic this morning, aren't we? Are we? Well, we are, because we came into the studio,

and a lovely guy who's a DJ here called, is it George? He looks about nine. I mean, he's lovely, but he looks like my child. He does really look very young. Seriously. And he was in here running everything, and, yeah, we couldn't, I couldn't quite sort of get

organised this morning. And I think I might have said something earlier on air. So if you heard me speak, I do apologise for that. I don't think you said anything like, you know, contentious. I didn't swear. I didn't use anything bad. I think you said, can they hear me? Which, I mean,

that has been proven somewhat right if they can. I ask that every day of my life. Yeah, exactly. Do you know who we need to talk about this morning? Emily Dean. No, obviously me. Kanye West. Oh, Kanye, Kanye, Kanye. He can.

Yes. He's been up to his old tricks again. Well, hang on. By his old tricks, what would you describe them as? Well, I'll tell you what I would describe them as. I would say it's like a child who's drunk too much Sunny Delight. Yeah. That's Kanye's old tricks. Because he was at the VMAs.

He wasn't. Yes. Are you familiar with the VMAs, Gareth? The Video Music Awards? Very good. Is that what it is? Yes. But he made a very great fool of himself.

What? He did. I haven't read that. Well, he got an award. What was the award, Gareth? You're the showbiz correspondent. A lifestyle achievement. A lifestyle achievement.

A lifestyle achievement. Can I just say also, it's been a bit fraught and stupid. I had no idea we were going on air at this point. Because normally doesn't Frank do a, hello, this is Absolute Radio and we're with Frank. Let's play a bit fraught and stupid. I had no idea we were going on air at this point. Because normally doesn't Frank do a, hello, this is Absolute Radio, and with Frank, let's play a song at the start. Oh, let's spend all morning talking about what Frank does, shall we? I'm sorry.

Did the show catch you on the hop by starting at eight o'clock, Gareth? Yes, a little bit. A little bit. He got, it was a Video Vanguard Award. Oh. Very good knowledge. Excellent. And it's like a Lifetime Achievement Award.

I thought he would mark that occasion. I believe it was a Lifestyle Achievement Award. Lifestyle Achievement. Thank you. The Video Vanguard Award sounds like he's got like a sideline turtle wax business, doesn't it? That you could just give your transit a rub Vanguard we understand it

we like it security for vans we are going to give you love we're going to workshop that it's just going to take us a bit of time to warm up it's like the beginning of a swingers party everyone just has to get to know each other.

I mean, I don't know anything about that. We have to do some shots. So anyway, yeah, he started off, he did a speech. He talked about buying juice with his children. It was a long speech, wasn't it? Didn't he really? It was long. He prattled on.

Yeah. He questioned some of his previous lifestyle choices. Well, because the big news was that Taylor Swift gave him the award, presented him with the award. And they've had previous, haven't they, because he interrupted her speech of getting the video award and said that Beyonce should have got it instead. Yeah.

So that was a big... I believe he threw shade at her. He what? He threw shade. Don't you know what the kids say? No, is that what they say? That's a lighting man's fault, surely. No!

No, it's called throwing shade, isn't it, girls? The young people in the studio will know. So he questioned whether he should have worn a leather shirt. I mean, that's a question that must have been in his head every day since wearing the leather shirt, surely. Yeah, I can answer it for him. The answer is no. No, he shouldn't have worn a leather shirt. No human being should ever wear a leather shirt.

Right. Cowboys exempt. Hairdressers? Because I think the hair doesn't stick on them. No, I don't know about that. OK. He also said uh he said would i he asked a rhetorical question he said would i have drunk a half bottle of hennessy and given the rest to the audience it's alcohol yeah it's like some kind of um sorry are you amish gareth is that alcohol because you know they have... What's this, Cockroach?

Rappers like the Cuvoisier, don't they? Oh, they love to pass the Cuvoisier. Is that what they say? Yeah, they pass the Cuvoisier. I think it would be in the same bit of that boozy section, wouldn't it? It must be like a brandy or some kind of strong liquor. But I like the fact that he's boasting about having only drank half of it. I know.

And then he shared it with the audience. He said, I shared it with the audience and don't tell me you didn't have some. I don't understand what he was objecting to. Was he objecting in a Cockrell style way to having given it to the audience, to having shared it? Oh, I think. Because he's counting the pennies. Maybe. I mean, if he is starting counting the pennies,

then he's going to be there for a while. He's worth $130 million, apparently. OK, more Kanye in a minute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show, FYI. And I'm Emily Dean and I'm standing in for Frank this morning and I'm with the lovely Cockrell and...

What's your name? Gareth, yeah? Gareth Richards. I like that you really obediently replied. Rather than saying, you rude woman, you went, Gareth Richards. I'm used to it. What's your name? Who are you? What are you doing here?

We're talking about Kanye, is what we're doing here. And he did something extraordinary. We should say that what we haven't actually said is that he announced his running for presidency. His candidacy. We got a bit distracted by the leather shirt. Oh, should I or shouldn't I have admission? He went a bit proofrock.

Overlooked one of the... A little one for the literary types there. One of the more spectacular announcements of his career, which is full of them, I'm led to believe. But he's running for president. I mean, did you take it seriously? Do you think he is running for president? I think he might be.

I'll tell you what I worry about. I worry that Kanye... With Kanye. I worry that Kanye doesn't realise it's a little bit more complicated than that. You can't just say, I'm running for president in 2020. Drop the mic.

I think he thinks life is pretty uncomplicated. He seems like an uncomplicated figure. But, Al, there are papers to be filed with the Federal Election Commission. There's all sorts of admin that you need to do. I think the admin would be the bit that would get on top of him i've often felt like it would rule me out from a career in politics but the admin i definitely think would be beyond kanye he said uh that he'd smoked something before going on just to take the edge off his nerves i believe he said yes i rolled up

a little something right that is good because presidential candidates often get asked if they've ever taken substances. Nip it in the bud straight away. Literally. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. I wonder if that's his way. I think he might actually be really shrewd. And he's said, he's already said.

Get it all out the way with. Yeah, get it out the way with. And immediately you can see it. once you start thinking like that, that he's thinking like a politician, you see, when he gets up there and he gets on the mic and he's like, should I have worn the leather shirt? He's trying to get the vegan vote. Isn't he?

Straight away he's like, oh, I made a few mistakes in the past. Who's he appealing to with the, shouldn't have drunk that bottle of Hennessy? Yeah. Who's that to? Frank in the 90s. T-Totally. Sorry, Frank. We love you. Trying to get some of the tea party involved.

Yeah. He's very cunning, hasn't he? Can I just say also, we're going to have to have a little bit of a wardrobe overhaul as well if you're going to be running for POTUS. He's probably got some suits, but I'll bet he doesn't have many shirts. He can't wear an old beige wrinkled T-shirt and tracksuit bottoms. There's suits to be bought. It's a big job. I bet he's one of those rap dudes

that just wears suits with nothing under. Yeah. I just show him off. What do you mean? Oh, what do you mean? As Frank calls it, the Frankenstein's monster approach to dressing, where you just have the suit and no tie or shirt.

I find that rather erotic. Do you? I say, yeah. Well, that's why I'm dressed like this this morning, Emily, for you. God, I hadn't even looked over and that's Gareth. Yeah, let's talk about how you're dressed this morning. Just a tux. Just a jacket. In a minute.

Yeah. No, Emily, safari colours are very in this season. Thank you, Karl Lagerfeld. Our fashion correspondent there. Thank you, Karl Lagerfeld. Our fashion correspondent there. Yeah, he's gone a bit strange on the clothing front, though. I don't know why.

Can you? Yeah. It looked like he was wearing an outsized linen T-shirt and trousers, didn't it? It's all very... The colour is very ecru. It's very Star Wars. I'm calling it tattoo-y and chic. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is what it is. Some amazing footage of him laughing. I'd never seen him laugh before.

I never thought he was a person that, like, got humour or had humour or that humour had ever existed in a room that he was in. As soon as I saw a photo of him laughing, I thought, who did that to him? Who made Kanye actually laugh? I can't imagine a set of circumstances that would come up where he would actually giggle. I think the way that what they've done to make him not do something crazy

is that they've given him a Lifetime Achievement Award. Right. I think that's put a smile on his face. And also, it was the only way they could get him to not interrupt Taylor Swift was to have her present him with a Lifetime Achievement Award. Oh, yes, then he won't interrupt. No, speak. But is it such a bad thing if he's president?

I think it would be fine. I like him. I mean, he's a very positive man, so I honestly believe that... Is he actually? Yeah, he's very optimistic, upbeat. Oh, Gareth's turned into a strange Kanye apologist. He's definitely got the self-confidence. I love Kanye West. I'm not going to challenge you on the self-confidence thing. Oh, Gareth turned into a strange Kanye apologist. He's definitely got the self-confidence. I love Kanye West. I'm not going to challenge you on the self-confidence thing.

He's definitely got that. Oh, he's confident, all right. Self-confidence. I think, in a way, he believes we should all be running for president all the time. Yes. He announced his candidacy for presidency in a t-shirt and trousers. He's got self-confidence. I don't think there's any doubt there.

I loved him saying he smoked something to take a little edge off it. What, he bulldozed it off and left a load of rubble. I just like the idea of him being president. Who would his running mate, they have a running mate as well, don't they, that's usually like a senior political figure. I got it.

Who is it, who? 50 Cent. Brilliant. In the club. He'd be in charge of the economy, obviously. Yeah, well he's done all right for himself. 50 cent. He knows the value of a dollar and a half dollar.

He'd be perfect for it. At least half a dollar. My car, my crib, my clothes. Hello? Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. I'm your worst nightmare. We are talking about Kanye West. Well, actually, we've got some news just in by text message. 974 has texted, 50 Cent was just declared bankrupt. Did he? What about his car and his crib? Yeah, I think his crib went up for sale.

Oh, has it been repossessed by the Inland Revenue? Big crib. I don't call it that. He had a big crib. Yeah, I think it's... All right. So maybe he's not the ideal running mate. It's the admin that gets them.

It's the admin. It's always the admin. It's always the admin. It's honestly so hard. They always blame the lawyers as well, don't they? Imagine being Kanye and having $130 million. The admin of just keeping track on the interest and what's in what pot. Yeah.

Just mini cash ices alone. He must be tormented, that man. Tormented. What about the resident's parking permit? Oh, on all those vehicles? He's got a lot of vehicles. Yeah. Well, actually, I think he would be an interesting president

because there's a lot of things... You know, presidents, they obviously draw on what they've experienced. And I believe that he's had quite a bad car crash in the past. And also... So he might be quite a big... I thought that was 50 Cent. I know he was shot nine times. Yeah, he would probably be a big gun campaigner.

But I think Kanye would probably be like a big road safety dude because of the car crash and that time that he walked into that lamppost with the road sign on it. Did you see that? That was when he was wearing a leather shirt both he's going to become an anti leather i love the fact that he mentions the leather shirt but not hey guys watch out for those road signs when you're walking because you could really smash your face off one like i did it's almost like he's going remember that leather shirt you don't remember anything else about that

day do you you just remember the leather shirt. Is Darren Brown in everyone? I'm glad that he picked up on the leather shirt, though, because it's been troubling me. But, you know, that wasn't the only thing to kick off at the VMAs. Was there other kerfuffles? There was more shade being thrown. That's the way my voice goes up at the end of that, because that's what all young people do.

Is it? Yeah. I haven't met any for about 20 years. It makes you sound really bright. There was one just DJing. Oh, don't. He's a lovely child. So, now, I'll tell you who they were.

It was Miley Cyrus. You know the one that you always want to put her in a nice onesie and stick her by the fireside? She doesn't wear much, does she? No, she looks chilly. Well, she looks like she's wearing one of those operation sort of gowns all the time. Just as you think it's alright. It's what

Frank always calls when people dress like that, he says, obviously got a lot of faith in your material. Anyway, she had a run in with Nicki Minaj. Oh no, I don't think you want to get on the wrong side of Nicki Minaj. Have you had beef with her no your rat battle with nikki minaj i'm in her posse i'm definitely yo well not literally but if i had to choose a posse i'd be in hers really she seems um terrifying yeah terrifying she seems forceful i like gara's description of licky menard just

she seems forceful she's an assertive young lady yes well she i believe miley had made some comments to the press and she'd thrown shade yeah i'm using that again what did she say miley was wearing a see-through orange visor much like a golfer would be wearing. So she was perhaps expecting someone to throw shade. Yes. She perhaps had gone there. Lovely work. Ready prepped. Orange.

That's the kind of material I'd expect. Orange shade. From the man voted eighth funniest joke at Edinburgh Festival, of which more later. Oh. However. I can't wait to talk about it. I really can't.

However, she said, Nicky said this to Miley. She said, what's our, I think, I believe she called her an offensive word, category C swear word she used, and then she said, what's good? Which, what does that mean? What is this what's good thing? What's good? I think it's when, if you're in a restaurant and you ask, what's good? To your waitress. Do you think there was a waiter nearby? I think it was talking, if you're in a restaurant and you ask, what's good? To your waitress.

Do you think there was a waiter nearby? I think she's talking about the catering. What's good? Later she's saying, I've got beef with you, you, bad word. And what's nice this evening? Have you tried any of the sandwiches? What's good? Just a waiter stopped and went, well, I enjoyed the trout, but...

Also, Gareth, that gives me a lot of insight into the kind of restaurants you frequent, or to the sandwiches, like. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Kanye could have used Flavor Flav, couldn't he?

Flavor Flav, like a senior figure. The timekeeper. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah, he's always got a watch. He'd be punctual, wouldn't he? For the press conferences, OK, you've got seven minutes on the West Wing. He's a zany character, isn't he?

Yeah. I think Kanye just might have... I think him and Kim might have been watching, like, a load of House of Cards on Netflix and thought, ruthlessly ambitious couples, we could do that. Maybe that's what it is. Anyway, he said a really interesting, sorry, I interrupted you, didn't I? No. Go on.

No, no. Say your thing. Continue. Say your thing. Say your thing. I thought you had some. Is that what you say to Mrs. Cockrell? Go on, say your thing.

Say your thing and then I'll answer. That's how I am. He said a really interesting thing at the awards speech, I thought. And I host a lot of awards and as you mentioned, I've recently been voted joint eighth best joke at the Edinburgh Festival this year.

Did you hear about this, Gareth? I did, yes. Oh good, because you're about to hear about it quite a lot. I think I saw it in the coverage. I think there's going to be a weekly segment on the show now called When I Was Voted, 8th Best Joke at Edinburgh Festival. I can't believe how much coverage it gets for a competition that I did not enter. Yeah, that happens if you don't stop talking about it, Al. Honestly, anyway, Kanye took some time to talk about awards in his speech on Sunday, saying, I still don't understand awards shows.

I don't understand how they get five people who worked their entire life, one sold records, sold concert tickets to stand on a carpet, and for the first time in their life to be judged on a chopping block and have the opportunity to be considered a loser. That's what he said. Yeah, but I like him. What's that an awards do, he said,

I don't understand this whole thing. He then went on to point out... So why is he talking about a chopping block? He's gone a bit Iron Chef. That's a different show. He's getting confused. This is, I think, this is the point that he was making.

He then went on to point out how upset he was to see Justin Timberlake and Cee-Lo lose Grammy Awards over the course of their careers. Yes. Kanye, on the other and CeeLo lose Grammy Awards over the course of their careers. Yes. Kanye, on the other hand, has won 21 Grammy Awards. So I wonder if there was just a slight bit of him going,

God, some really good people haven't won these. And I've won 21 of them, so I must be really, really good. Like, there must be a bit of it. I enjoyed all that, but I believe that the only reason you got on to that was because it was a segue into discussing your award well I didn't get an award, there was no award but what did you get, we should establish

Gareth, you knew this so Alan was at the Little Edinburgh Festival recently world's biggest arts festival the arts types there's a lot of shows on. A lot of shows. And thanks, we've established what the Edinburgh Festival is.

And Alan, whilst he was there, in part of his show, he was voted the eighth best joke in the Edinburgh Festival. It's a competition put on by a television channel with the same name as our dear Prime Minister. Yes. Can I just say, when you said it's a competition, you made it sound a bit childish then. You would enter a competition. I didn't enter it.

I just did my show. Are we allowed to say what the joke was? Well, I'll... I'll go on. Let me slowly walk you through this. Yes, we can. OK. But I have to retell it how I feel like I...

Yes, we can. You've got a bit of a campaign slogan, can't you? Do you know what? I think they misquoted my joke. They didn't? Yeah, they misquoted it. And here's the brutal truth. I think they slightly improved how I was telling it.

Well, I'll tell you what. Shall we be the judge of this? So tell us how it was originally and tell us what they said. How I was doing it in the show was something like, oh, I've been married 14 years. I knew my wife was a keeper from the start on our first date she wore massive gloves right very fine work well you say that but they they somehow clap when they tell jokes okay they tell jokes yeah putting gareth into the non-comedian category there. Bit harsh. Not the first person to do that. And actually, Em,

the normal thing you do after a joke is laugh, hopefully. Exactly. Clapping is just feeling silence. Thank you very much. Honestly. That's where I've been going wrong. Okay, so that was... Yeah, they tidied it up slightly. How did they tidy it up?

I can't remember exactly. It's a long time since I read it. All right, I'm glad we waited for that then. I think I like the way you did it, though. I do. Because you didn't do it as a one-liner. Yeah, well, they... You do it conversational.

They made it into a one-liner. I'm finding this a bit awkward here, analysing the joke. They have to. Oh, well, I was hoping to do it the whole of the next link, so I'm very happy to... OK, everyone, back in a bit. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

You can text us, we should say, on 8-12-15 this morning. And don't just say, where's Frank? Well, you can say that. That's probably what they say. It's fair enough. Do you know what? I'm thinking the same thing. Yeah, I wonder. It's covered in mud, I've told you.

I'd like to know where it is. Al, we need to know more about the moment when you found out you won eighth best joke at the Edinburgh Festival. Well, I would question the word win, but... OK. But, hey, I believe... You know I'm a big goal setter, a huge goal setter, aren't I?

I'm one of those guys, like a Californian. I'm all about goals, and I like them to be smart goals. Are you running for president? Is this for your building too? That's going to be my next big goal. I'm not setting small goals. But I remember saying to you in July, Emily... I think there might be some birth issues there.

I don't think anyone from Merfield can run for President of the United States. Technically, I'm originally from Glasgow and, hey, Obama's the President, isn't he? And, you know, he hasn't even got no birth certificate. Oh. Has he? I don't know. I'm uncomfortable.

All right, Mr. Redneck. Suddenly the political colours are being nailed to the mast. Alan's gone a bit bloodhound and pick-up truck. I think he's going to be a Republican. Mainly because I want to talk to you about my eighth best joke. I was going to pretend that in July I had said to you that what I want from my Edinburgh Festival

was to be joint eighth best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe, which is not a goal that anybody sets for themselves, is it? Oh, you didn't. Joint eighth. Not eighth. Joint eighth. Oh, no. Did you share the award? Shared the award with the excellent Simon Munnery. Can I just say, how many of the ones before you were joint ones? Because that's pushing you

far down, isn't it? I haven't really perused the list properly, but I don't think there were any joints. So you were the first joint? I think. Yeah. I think. But let me tell you,

there are some terrible jokes on that list. You know you say, let me tell you, I wouldn't if I were you. You've got to go back there again. There are really awful jokes on it. Yeah, but Al, you can't leave a scorched earth policy in this life.

Oh, I'm not worried about it, because they have to pick the jokes that they want to be good in print. Are you bleeding, Emily? Are you all right? Oh, I'm not worried about it, because they have to pick the jokes that they want to be good in print. Are you bleeding, Emily? Are you alright? No, I'm just... Oh! Oh, I'm bleeding! Oh my gosh! Oh my goodness! You've got a small mark on your wrist.

I should just make it clear. Where the blood's going, from a gentleman. People at home! How are people at home going to cope with that information? Emily, are you bleeding? Are you bleeding? And then what?

Meanwhile, here's White's name. Emily's bleeding. Let's go to a song. I hope to be with you in three minutes. Oh, it's cold. It's cold. Emily, are you bleeding? Lynyrd Skynyrd,

Sweet Home Alabama. I am bleeding, but I should say, please don't panic, I'm sure many of you are. Very minor, very minor surface wound, is it? I think it might be an insect bite and it's got out of control. Oh, goodness. You shouldn't bite insects. There you go. Like the day of the Triffids.

How extraordinary. Could someone get me some first aid? Gauze. Gauze. Gauze. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Anyway, sorry, Alan. Sorry to steal your thunder. Well, you know, I feel like we were talking about my success

and you just started self-harming and to get attention from the other side of the... And I say success in inverted commas i'll tell you what this though i i mean i've never been joint eighth joke at the edinburgh fringe before but that can be very widely misinterpreted uh some guys that i know describe me as uh in the top 10 comedians in the world that That was their take on it. I didn't mean to laugh so loud at that. A guy said, oh, I read those... Are you out of your mind?

I read those top ten jokes at the Edinburgh Festival. He said it to me. And I said, yeah, I was one of them. And he went, oh, it was one of you. They hadn't credited each joke. They'd just done it. And then I, on the day, told my wife, oh, I'm in the joint... I'm joint eighth in the top ten best jokes of the fringe.

And she went, oh, which one for? Having already seen the show, she enjoyed it. She loved the show. And I told her which one, and she went, they're always rubbish, those top ten jokes. She didn't. She did. She didn't.

She did. I mean, what a review. Wow. I don't know what to say, really. I was. I mean, what a review. Wow. I don't know what to say, really. Emily, you're bleeding harder. I was actually really pleased for you, though, Al. That's nice. I thought it was a nice thing.

Yeah, exactly. Will it change your life? Yeah, I think it might. I think it might. It's certainly changed this link, hasn't it? Yeah. My blood's changed the link. Yeah.

I like the idea of you not knowing, though. They just award it to you, so it's not like you enter it. No, not at all. The first I knew about it was I got a text from... Actually, I'd lost all my phone numbers before going to Edinburgh, so a good friend of mine... Stop my phone numbers. I've got a bit Dwight York, three mobiles. A friend of mine texted me saying,

that's a great joke, mate, and suggested an improving follow-up, as many people have. Have they? And I said, what joke? What are you talking about? And that was the first I knew of it, was a friend texting saying, that's a great joke, mate. Oh. I mean, I disagree with him.

To be honest, there's better jokes within two minutes of that. Did you like the joke, Gareth? I did. I felt like the joke, Gareth? I did. I felt like it had been separated as a one-liner when it was not one. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I don't think you would go up on stage,

ahem, ladies and gentlemen. No, I would not. Although there are one-liners in the show. I knew my wife was a keeper. She had big gloves on. He's made it even better, hasn't he? He has. The man who's managed to do that.

Shall we all do the joke? Shall I do it? And why not? This is how I deliver it. I wouldn't be dripping with blood whilst I was doing it. Okay. This joke is Lady Macbeth. You're stealing my big moment. This is me.

I've gone on the stage. Testing, testing. Good evening. my big moment. This is me. I've gone on the stage. Testing, testing. Good evening. Is that how you start? Yeah. Okay. I knew my wife was a keeper. She had massive gloves on.

Yeah? I don't think you liked mine as much, did you? I liked them all. I liked them all. I'm laughing. Okay. Excellent. I feel like we've really put this to bed.

It's not a joke that worked anyway. I kept it in because I like the jokes around it. And if you stick with us this morning, you know what? Why don't we work our way through the whole show and see if we can kill all the jokes? You want to take things in isolation sometimes. That's the problem, isn't it? I'll be in isolation in a minute if this doesn't stop bleeding.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio, but you're not listening to Frank. The more observant amongst you will have noted. I'm Emily Dean, I'm standing in for Frank, and you can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter,

which is at Frank on the radio, or you can email the show if you're a bit 90s. We are also joined this morning, obviously, by the cockerel and Gareth. Do you not do a sound effect for the cockerel? There was once upon a time. Hang on. Oh, yeah, because that's what I want to hear.

Oh, is it this one? Oh, no, it's the wrong animal. Flight of the Bumblebee. Have you got another host called the Bumblebee? Oh, it's a cockerel and a bee. Now there's a cockerel fighting a swarm of bees. I quite enjoyed that. Yeah, I like it.

That's your... And then, Gareth, what was your catchphrase? I think we need one this morning. Saturday morning! That was your catchphrase? Yeah. Saturday morning. Don't get nasty.

I mean, I haven't. I wouldn't say... I would say that that was taken in isolation from... Yeah. And Frank would replay it. I didn't do it live every morning, but it, you know... No, you kept those pearls up your sleeve. We only got that gold occasionally Saturday morning.

I actually rather like Saturday morning. Well, big news. The new dictionary's out. Oh, great. The new Oxford English Dictionary. If you're low on words. I'm all right for words. I like the ones I've got.

What's going on in the OED? Is that oed is that what we're talking yes oh yeah what then with the new one they've always got the new words in oh the new entry oh it's a bit cyril on that's life isn't it there's a new entry in the oed yeah i'm not sure about some of them um there's i mean bants bants. Bants, I don't think is new, is it? Bants. Bants, we're having it now, aren't we? You're having it? Are you having it? We're having some high-level Bants right now, aren't we? We're having so much Bants. Hashtag Bants.

Yeah. Yeah, Bants, which I, um, don't like. I don't like that one. Okay, I'm glad we know that. Um, Awesome Sauce. Awesome Sauce? Yes, Awesome Sauce glad we know that. Awesome sauce. Awesome sauce? Yes, awesome sauce. What's that? I mean, that's an Americanism for when something's good.

Oh, you say awesome sauce. Apparently so, yeah. No, you need to add the sauce on. Awesome sauce. What if you're eating sauce? Awesome sauce. You say this is awesome sauce. Well, it depends.

Also, you can say weak sauce when something is not good. Oh, weak sauce. Awesome sauce, good. Weak sauce, bad. Do you say, what's good? Awesome sauce. Awesome sauce is good. That's what Miley Cyrus should have said to Nicki Minaj. What's bad? Weak sauce. Yes.

What's good? The sauce. It's awesome. Awesome sauce. I was once eating with an American person who, and I said, oh, this is good. Boasting. Sorry, you're someone from the 20s. I was once eating with an American person who and I said, oh, this is good. Sorry, you're someone from the 20s. I was once eating with an American person. Very well travelled me. And we'd been hungry and then we'd got food and I said, oh, this is great, isn't it? And he said, everything tastes good

when it's covered in hunger sauce. Have you heard that before? No, but I like that. The hungriness is like a sauce that enhances the flavour of the food. Yeah, I liked it as an image. Connected to that, another way is... Do you know what I'm loving? I think you two are bonding, which I'm enjoying.

Yeah, it's not as awkward as we thought. I didn't think it was awkward. No. Have you guys had chats about how awkward this might be? No, I just... Yeah, we were on the phone last night for an hour and a half. Yeah. Just an hour and a half. Yeah. Just an hour and a half.

Yeah. Floods of tears I was in. Yeah. Floods of tears. Well, thanks for composing yourself. It's fine. You're soldiering along, aren't you? It's actually been fine.

Are you feeling okay about it? Yeah. Alan? Yeah. I mean, maybe I should have worn a shirt in retrospect. But this blanket you've given me is really comforting. I don't know. I'm just...

I think you're playing very well together. And what I love is, I'm in the middle. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Gareth, you were talking about the dictionary. Yes, I was. One of the new words, new words in the Oxford English Dictionary. Yes.

Manspreading. Oh, don't talk to me about manspreading. Do you know about manspreading? Do I know about manspreading? Is this population growth? Is that what this is? No, it's the scourge of the modern age, the manspread. Are you familiar with the concept of manspreading? I don't think I am.

It's not just when you get older, is it? No. Although that can happen as well. You can spot a manspreader at 20 paces. Oh, can I? Yeah. They have a sort of inner arrogance and sense of entitlement. Is this just men or manspreaders?

No, it's men. They come in all forms. They'll normally, you'll know them by a faded jean sometimes a suit trouser yes i use the singular on both counts and these are the people that aren't how would you describe them gareth i would say so the people who are public transport spread themselves out they arrange their legs in a spread eagagled fashion. Oh, right. They disinvite others to come into the area. Well, it's not that they're disinviting you. I never wanted to come into the area.

It's more that there's no sense of personal space. And they normally have a meaty thigh, I find, the man-spreader. You wouldn't be a man-spreader, Alan. You're too sinewy. Gareth, you wouldn't either. You're more of a rucksack pest. Yes. On public transport. Yes. Now, I

don't spread myself out physically but I will utilise a lot of the area around me. We've got a lot more stuff these days, haven't we? Yeah, well, and we as travellers, we do a lot of travelling and I... As travellers? As, um... I might wherever

I lay my hat.inerant stand up comedians Gareth and I came here in a caravan you're aware of that aren't you but you see what I don't mind about you rucksack people is that at least there's not an inner arrogance you're just a bit chaotic whereas these

man spreaders they know what they're doing I think I might be both no you're not a man-spreader, Al. How about, though, Emily, I am worried that I am an offender on public transport just because it becomes my office or the place where I live for a period of time. Sorry, you're more tragic than Fonzie. At least he had a toilet.

Your office is the tube. What if, for instance, I was to eat a rotisserie chicken near you on public transport excellent oh why because i think i've seen something similar to that before i've seen someone eating a chicken yeah what like because where else am i going to eat it i've said are you joking i've seen someone eating a chicken was it me have you done this is that what you're saying yes i've eaten the rotisserie chicken you You haven't? Like, been to Sainsbury's, supermarket, economising. A whole chicken you can get for a fiver. Yeah.

And so, then I've got to eat it somewhere. You don't have to eat it on a train. I am if I'm on the way somewhere. I suppose so. And you do. I saw a man once eating tuna from a can. Excellent. With his bare hands.

That guy. I'm not joking. He was like a demented pingu. That explains the tuna. That guy, to me, sounds like a legend. That's what I... I mean, he's got to eat his layer of protein every three hours. He's probably on a very strict,

you know, hard gaining. Do you know what? He's probably quite ripped as well. Yeah, exactly. Why didn't I get his number? It's just, well, it's probably the stench. That'll be it. We're talking about manspreading on Absolute Radio this morning. Yeah, I feel like it's slightly pejorative, the whole manspreading. Yes. Well, then, it's not unattractive.

Just looking at pejorative in the Oxford English Dictionary. It's like being on Countdown. Yeah, well, it is a negative activity. It's a negative act. Yeah, but what about womanspreading? What about women? I don't think women do that. Do you, girls? I don't think women do that. Oh, okay. I'm afraid... I just think... I feel like I'm being penalised for being gangly, because I sometimes sit next to people and, like, you know, I literally can't fit my, um, my long limbs just on my side, so I have to drape them occasionally, Just overpasses by and... I know what you mean. You're sinewy. Sitting next to you is more like

sitting next to a whippet or something. Yeah, I'll tell you. And that's okay. You haven't sat next to a whippet ever. We'll talk about that later. But what I do think is I'm talking about the meaty-thighed brigade. Uh-huh. They press up next to you. I just

don't like it. They will kill again. And they do. I've up next to you. I just don't like it. They will kill again. And they do. I've got meaty thighs. I don't like to show off. I'm not here to man-burst. Is that a thing in the Oxford English Library? We should say, actually, if people have any public transport deal-breakers, mine is having to

use it. You should text us on 8-12-15 this morning. We haven't done a us on 8-12-15 this morning we haven't done a texting 8-12-15 is that the right texting? normally I'm very organised about the texting

I've done some great ones in the past I've done when were you last on a private jet? yeah I did yes how much

does it cost to build a wall? so those are just two of my greatest hits yeah and all people could tweet us on Twitter by doing

at Frank on the radio so what do you hate on public transport well I get a bit concerned about grey areas, I had this only yesterday you could discriminate against the elderly yeah, greyscaping can I tell you what that would have been a contender for number 9

Edinburgh Fringe Jokes. Oh, thank you. Joint ninth, I think. OK. So, kind of like 18th. I get concerned about who's in charge of which bit. I was on the train yesterday, and the person in the seat in front of me...

Is this a tube train or a...? A choo-choo train. OK, a choo-choo train, yeah. Virgin, Pendolino, Tilton, one of those ones? A choo-choo train. Okay. A choo-choo train, yeah. Virgin, Pendolino, Tilton, one of those ones. Oh yeah. Manchester to London. Okay. And the dude in front of me, he and I shared control of the same blind, you know, if the sun's in your eyes. Yes. He pulled the blind down and I was plunged into darkness. I'm exaggerating somewhat, but, but you know, and then he went to the toilet and I thought, should I just put it back up? Because now I'm exaggerating somewhat, but, you know, and then he went to the toilet and I thought, shall I just put it back up? Because now I'm in charge of it.

Don't say you did. No, I didn't, but there was a bit of me that was tempted to, as it was, I'm a nice guy, I didn't, I just, what I did was I undid my shoelace and I garrotted him from behind. Like I say, I'm a nice guy. I didn't want to cause a scene, so I just quietly executed him and now...

But, Al, I do find with the blind, you're right, there's a lot of territorial hostility in those seats. I mean, I've had laptop wars you wouldn't believe. It's like battleships there. When the lid of the laptops meet, oh, I hate that. Yeah,

it's like all the monkeys trying to type Shakespeare in it. I don't like it on a bus. That's it. I don't like it on a bus. That's it. That's it. I don't like it on a bus. There's obviously, I think we may have discussed this before on the show, but there's the bloke who talks to the driver, isn't there, at the top of the bus.

Like it's a VIP area. Oh, mate, yeah, just go through. You're good. Yeah, you're good. I don't need you. Who are you? You're not in a uniform. You've just decided that the driver's your best mate,

and now you're talking to him. So I don't that man and it is normally a man let's be honest um and i don't like people that suddenly shout out driver driver like it's downton abbey don't say driver it's not a chauffeur anyway that's my material on buses. Excellent. Good work. If you've got any material on buses, text 81215 or tweet us on at Frank on the Radio. This is Absolute Radio. Wow, what's happened to you? Someone's taking over.

For a moment, I felt possessed by the spirit of... Are you drunk with power, Gareth? We'll come back to it. Oh, another one who you drunk with power, Gareth? We'll come back to it. Oh, another one who's drunk with power. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We're talking this morning on Absolute Radio and I should say you can text us on

812.15. Oh, they have. Oh, they have, have they? Well we're talking specifically about what things what your sort of public transport deal breakers are. As I already established mine is having to use it. Well you've opened the floodgates here. Yes.

We've had a lot of people that work on floodgates. No we haven't. We've had texts from 720. I saw a man brushing his teeth on a train he swallowed um now that i that gentleman points for hygiene he's brushing his teeth bad points for logic because there are toilets on trains where he could have used water yeah nobody should know that you've done that like are you or maybe the most is the person sitting next to you where you come back and they go oh minty like they smell that you're

minty but that could have been done secretly couldn't it whereas i love that you think everyone behaves as if they're in an advert oh minty also she's gonna love your onion breath that kind of thing or you're in an episode of eastenders who knows do you know what i am i've done that i'm going to fess up brush your teeth on your train in the train i've done it in the street in the passenger bit i've walked down the street with a toothbrush with paste on it yes with paste do you have a glass of water no do you have a glass of water who needs water i'm just i'm quite a lot of people in the world emily i have a newspaper? Who needs water? Who needs water? I'm just, I'm pho... Quite a lot of people in the world, Emily. I have a phobia about not having clean teeth.

So I'm forced to get my toothbrush out at regular intervals. Right. Okay, but this isn't about me. With paste. You carry toothpaste and a toothbrush, and in the street... I'm going to... You put the toothpaste on the toothbrush and then brush your teeth i'm going to show you the contents of my bag in a minute i'm bleeding now and uh you'll

see i have a toothbrush and toothpaste in there i see i've got a big problem with public grooming i think the most is maybe so i see pop a bit of wax in your hair at most. And private, apparently. Yeah. But these people, these people that, you know, had sat on the quiet coach and they're clipping their toenails or something, do it in your bathroom after a nice bath when they're all soft. You don't need to hear... Ka-dung! Ka-dung! That's honestly what happened to me once on the quiet coach. Very loud.

Someone was cutting their toenails? Yeah, talons, it sounded like. I draw the line at waxing of any sort. Toenails or fingernails? Toenails. Toenails. Toenails. So they had their shoes and socks on.

And I saw a guy flossing at the traffic lights in his car. I mean, that's ridiculous, isn't it? Any more texts that we had in this morning? We've had Gatwick travellers being thoughtless with their suitcases on the train. Oh. I don't like the big suitcases. Do you not? I like the specific gripe against Gatwick

travellers, not any other. The travellers at Kennedy Airport are fine. That's Brian Carr, by the way, that tweet was from. Oh, just FYI. I should have done it all at the same time. I'm sorry. No, that's not a mistake you made. Okay. We don't refer to people by their names. We refer to them by the last three digits of their mobile.

I thought that was the thing you started. Yes. It was a tweet. Oh, there you go. Different. Oh, okay. Do you know what? What?

I'm going to let you finish. I am finished. 847 has texted. He doesn't go any references That was Kanye who said that 847 has texted I just got a text from my agent Saying I am finished

I would like to divert the rest of the show to people's public transport woes, gripes with other passengers. But just to the very tip of the iceberg, we've got two quite opposing verdicts on text messages here. OK. 328 Paul in Huddersfield has texted, Can't stand rudeness and people play music from a speaker out loud. Well, he won't like this show then. No, I think he means on a train, you know, when the youth are playing the music from a speaker.

It's never classic FM that they've got on, is it? It's always something that... It's the rap. It's always very poor quality, yeah. You need... I like that. I like that one. But do you think that might be special music to listen to on public transport?

Now that's what I call tubes, it might be. 760, however, has texted with what I would think of as a counter-opinion. Morning gathering. One thing I don't get is why people on trains get wound up by people talking on their mobile phones. Good use of mobile phones. I'm not talking about the quiet carriage or the first class here, just the bog standard cattle class carriage. Right.

If I was talking to a person next to me, no one would bat an eyelid. But as I'm talking on the phone, they throw daggers. Weirdos. He finishes. Good use of weirdos. Yeah. Sorry, who's that character? 760.

If I may say 760, I mean, my particular objection to that is the decibel level. When you're talking to someone next to you, things can remain at a reasonable pitch. Discreet. Yes. Whereas people do tend to go a bit, it's 1987,

I've got a car phone. If you're on the train, it's like, what, it's 1987, I've got a car phone. If you're on the train, it's like, Oi, mate, yeah, I'm on the train, yeah, what, oh, yeah, boy, yeah, yeah. I mean, the info fell apart then slightly. That was actually a brief reenactment of Dom Jolly's career. Containing the same wit, from what I can gather. No, I mean, I rather enjoyed your foray into character comedy. And I want to see more. Best bits. Yeah, yeah. I rather enjoyed your foray into character comedy. Thank you.

And I want to see more. We've also had a text. Someone opposite me on a big train was plucking her chin hair too much from Kate. Well, yeah, too much, and so therefore she's dealing with it. I think Kate's hit the nail on the head there. Too much. She's thought, there's too much chin hair here, I'll pluck some. That reminds me my my you know my wife's a teacher laura is and once she was talking about you're gonna say my wife's bearded no but connected to that my wife's got a beard connected to that um she was teaching

the class phse which is about what can happen to your bodies as you get older. I can tell her that. Trust me. I've got a heart. I've got a tight five on that. And one of the... She was saying, and men tend to grow beards and hair on their faces, but women don't tend to do that so much. And her little boy said,

no, miss, that's not true. I saw an old lady on the bus and she had, you know, the hair on the back of a pig? She had that on her face. Oh dear. So maybe that was the lady. Yes.

Tenth best joke, Edinburgh Festival. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show, just in case you weren't aware of that. I'm Emily Dean, just in case you weren't aware of that. Hello, Emily. Oh, you don't need to say that.

Hello, Emily. Thank you, it's very sweet. Hello, Gareth. And this is Gareth and Alan. We usually do that at the top of the hour, but we'll do it again in a minute. I know, but I like to mix it up. I said that I would like to devote the rest of the show to texts and emails about um people on trains buses public transport gripes but i i don't want to really but okay let's just do a few more because i'm enjoying them

um good morning all i believe it is very important to consider the feelings of my fellow passengers on public transport so i always brush and floss my teeth straight after eating a chicken on a crowded tube train it's the least i can do kind regards and no names an anonymous anonymous i love that person god it's probably ronnie barker in it like he sent in the sketches didn't he i think that's fair enough though if you're gonna eat the chicken yeah floss or brush well i do take wet wipes with me do you in my bag yes i have some wet wipes so that i can clear up after myself so that you can clear up so that i can um because there's not always a shower on the train which is the ideal thing not always eating a rotisserie chicken i usually need to shower where do you stand on the application of makeup on the tube? I never do it.

Yeah, I don't. Well, the thing someone texted is not to hand right now, but nail varnish is a bit much, I find. Yeah, smelly, isn't it? Oh, now you tell me. I regularly use nail varnish. What, on the train? Yeah.

I do my makeup as well. But can I tell you why? Hairspray? Would you put hairspray on on the train? Hell yeah. Oh, my God. Can I tell you why? Hairspray? Would you put a hairspray on on the train? Hell yeah. Oh my God. Can I tell you why I would defend myself? You're a monster.

I would... Feet? I defend... What's wrong with that? The reason I defend myself is that I think with makeup, I'm gradually and steadily improving your view as the journey goes on. It's much more pleasant for you.

It's like I'm painting a really nice backdrop. That's a good point. It's like turning back the years. People will be like, but I've been on this train an hour and that woman is ten years younger. You must be going back in time. I mean, I draw the line at cosmetic procedures,

but that's about all I would draw the line at, quite honestly. Do you draw the lines to outline where you want the cosmetic procedures during the journey? No, my surgeon does that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're listening to The Frank Skinner Show this morning on Absolute Radio.

I'm Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank in his little Birmingham seat. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. And we're joined this morning by the lovely Gareth Richards. Hello. And the equally lovely Alan Cochran. Hello.

That's quite nice. How do you feel you two, how's the bonding going? It's going fine. It's been great. Yeah? We're going to talk about Gareth's genes in a bit, I think, aren't we? Okay. He's on the hunt.

It's going okay as speed dates go. I won't ask for my money back. Yeah, it's the other two hours. I went to the theatre this weekend. Did you, darling? How about that? So, no, I'd like to hear all about that. Where did you go?

What did you see? We saw Othello. Right. The new production by the RSC. Oh, yeah. Do you know that one? Yes, I think I do know it because I am close personal friends with Othello.

What? I know people don't normally say Othello. The guy's person. The voice. No, the actor, Hugh Quashie, who played Othello. Oh, wow. Yes. So do you know him like as a person yes of course he's one of our dearest family friends wow did you go and see so be careful what you say did you go if you criticize his performance in any way i will find you i will hunt you and i will kill you i'm here. Yes. So did you go and see it at Stratford?

No. Oh, why not? Well, we don't live very near to Stratford. Laura booked tickets for, it's an amazing new thing they do, where we basically had the worst seats anyone's ever had to the theatre. Oh. Because we watched it from a cinema in Christchurch, which is near Bournemouth.

I thought you were going to say New Zealand. No, not New Zealand. That was far. Stratford was too far, but they went to New Zealand. No, you know when they do a satellite link-up? Oh, yeah. So you watch a live theatre performance on a screen like it's a television, like it's television.

It'd be great if they could roll that out for stand-up. I would really decrease both of our travelling time. It's a television, like it's television. It would be great if they could roll that out for stand-up. That would really decrease both of our travelling time. That seems a bit of a strange thing to do. Is it like going to a theatre and watching someone play an album? Yeah, it was a bit weird. Didn't you just tell me I could have got the comps? I mean, it's not a guardsman I know.

I know Othelloello I know the Mac Daddy Wow I'd say they're the worst seats but Laura actually said actually it was broadcast like people were watching in Australia so we actually had fairly good streets like even if they were literally on the other side of the world from the show

there were a lot of older people there I mean I know I live in Bournemouth and their you know the reputation is but honestly they were live in Bournemouth and the reputation is... Hang on, they were old by Bournemouth standards. By Bournemouth standards. Well, goodness me. The foyer was rammed. And, you know, young people, if you arrive at a venue

and you're not quite sure how it works, you don't know exactly where you pick up your tickets from, you style it out, don't you? You don't know exactly where you pick up your tickets from. You style it out, don't you? You don't act terrified. What are your incidents? What do they do? The older people, they were not coping well with this new experience. Oh, no.

They go, excuse me, are you in this queue? Which queue are you in, young man? And people just holding tickets, wandering around, looking terrified, going, oh, where do I go? Was it like Cocoon? It was, except without the rejuvenation. They needed to borrow some of my moisturiser. Were they incontinent? Were they all fine? There was no leaking?

The toilets were busy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, they'll be busy. There was an urgent queue. I imagine the foyer became like one of those little footbaths that you have to go through to get in the swimming pool, didn't it? And a lot of plastic bags. The elderly love a plazzy bag. Don't they, though?

Yes, they do. What's in there? What's in there? A hairbrush and some sweets, I think. Oh, Murray Mints, yeah. Yeah, yeah, a few Murray Mints. They don't take a toothbrush with them. They take a glass of water to put the teeth in during the show.

So, did you enjoy the performance? It was, um, it was fine. There was the weirdest moment. You know she knows Othello. I will be passing that on to my friend. You know she knows Othello and you know he's got a temper. You saw the end of the show, didn't you? They have.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Right, I just want to say that the play your friend was in was very, very good. I like that you make him sound like he's about nine years old. The play your friend was in, he was Othello, can I just say, at the RSC. Yes, he was very excellent.

Not in a pantomime production of Dick Whittington. But we were quite a long way away, as I said, and the experience of watching it, so you have kind of like a pundit at the start of the show. What do you mean? Well, you don't usually start the theatre by someone with a microphone saying, so everyone, we're at the theatre.

But that's what they have to... You have an MC. Yeah, you have an MC for the theatre. You do. Yeah. And they kind of talk about what's going to happen. It MC yeah you have an MC for the theatre you do yeah and they kind of talk about what's going to happen it's like match of the day but a theatre what is it like a warm up man

is it like Ian Royce from the X Factor I could do that I used to be a warm up man but I could do well so did Gareth I could do theatre stuff yeah

very briefly yeah so that was a bit weird and also this is the question So what does he do? Does he do it to warm you up? Oh, I beg your pardon

Hang on, it's a warm-up They're allowed to talk nowadays and everything Warm-up there? Not on my time, they're not Not on my dollar So what does... So she comes on, what's she wearing? We're...

I mean, I didn't check the labels Leopard skin onesie. Is she wearing a suit? Is she smart? She's got any of those ears on? You know those sexy ears that the girls have? Don't be disgusting. None of those? What was she wearing?

Babe station. I'm waiting for your call. We're waiting for Othello. In the meantime, here's Othello. To be fair, in Bournemouth, she was probably wearing a bag. You can betray me any time. Feeling jealous? You will be if you don't call me on 0906.

The beast with two backs all night long. Anyway, sorry. Always has to push it, that's a bit much. Always has to push it, Al. I'm sorry. The big question about watching a satellite link-up of a play is do you applaud? Because that was a very awkward... Yeah, what's the point?

At the end, yeah, where some people went... And then, oh, this is stupid. Yeah. They can't hear us. Because the whole reason why you're clapping is so the person can hear you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if a man claps in Christchurch, but there's no one there to hear it.

Yeah, has he clapped at all? Does he make a sound? Well, did you clap? Because I will be passing it on to my friend Hugh. I think I did one clap, and then it was... But the two young people in the whole place were sitting behind me. Two young gentlemen who were clearly big Shakespeare fans they were 45 saying I don't like how he made Iago

seem sympathetic where you felt for him I don't want my Iago to be sympathetic I want to feel like he's bad and then he said oh no I quite liked Iago being sympathetic I think that really humanised him and I know you're going to tell me off but can I talk about Desdemona's shoes and said, oh, no, I quite liked Iago being sympathetic. I think that really humanised him.

And then the other one, and I know you're going to tell me off, but can I talk about Desdemona's shoes? I like these people. Maybe that could be on that babe station. If you want to hear more about Iago being sympathetic, I'm waiting for your call now. Emily, I really don't think you should talk like that on the radio. There have been men since we very started doing this show,

there have been requests from gentlemen for you to talk in that way. And I'm worried that we don't want that audience. You don't want that audience. Yeah, you say that. I absolutely said we've really got to chase the ratings. And also it depends what sort of Benjamins they're offering. Yeah, true. You know? The price is right. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. I should say, while I was away in Edinburgh, I actually listened to the show and listened to the best of last week. Really enjoyed it. Oh. Really enjoyed it. That's nice to know, isn't it?

Honestly, it cheered me right up because I think maybe I'm guilty of... You sound like one of those pensioners in the Othello audience. Cheered me right up. Oh, that's very nice of you, Sam. Were you worried I'd be good and then it cheered you up? No, not at all. Can we play some music? Not at all, Gareth. Anything, anything will do.

To be absolutely honest, that thought never troubled me. No, that worry never came to me. Genuinely, can we play some music? I don't mind what it is. I just want to get out of here. Do you know what happened, though? The best of... There will be blood.

The best of was... There has been. The best of really perked me up, because I think what happens is... I think you might have been, yeah. Wow. I think you might have been quite a lot when I went for a shower,

and then I came back and it was back to being me. Oh, my God. But the best of was really good, because there was lots of funny bits, whereas I think I remember all the terrible links And the travel to and from the show So I think I should listen to the best of more often It's really good The terrible links

Really good But early on Would you like a return to passive aggressive land? Early on when I was at the festival When I was at the festival I was listening to It might have even been the first week that I was away, and I heard you talking about late reviews of things.

Yes. Keith Richards had reviewed something, and then you all started doing your funny late reviews. Oh, I enjoyed that. And you know what? I was listening to it in the flat that I'd rented in Edinburgh. Anything. Even China Crisis I would listen to right now. Just get me out of here.

This is the late review in itself. Yeah, yeah, it was four weeks ago. And I was listening to it and I thought, oh, I'm reading Seneca's letters from a stoic right now and really enjoying it. I should text it. I felt like one of the readers. I felt like one of them, the normal people.

And in a way you were. Yeah, I was really normal for the month. Seneca's letters from a stoic. Yeah, that's what I'm into. How was it? It's good. I'm enjoying it. I've, I was really normal for the month. Seneca's letters from a Stoic. Yeah, that's what I'm into. How was it? It's good. I'm enjoying it. I've still got some of them to read,

but, you know, jumped about a bit with other reading. If you want to hear more Seneca's letters from a Stoic, call me now. Don't do your sexy voice. Honestly, the text message exploded. I'm waiting to hear your Seneca news. If you can stay Stoic after me, I'd be surprised. Oh, dear, this is horrible, isn't it?

No, but you're absolutely right. We were talking about Keith Richards. And he's back in the news. He is, because we should say he was moaning about the Beatles, wasn't he? He was moaning then. He was saying Sgt. Peppers were... Yeah, which is a shame.

He said it was rubbish. A mishmash of rubbish. I think it's a good album. I'm going to have to disagree with him. However, he's now come out and had to go Metallica and Black Sabbath saying that they were great jokes. I didn't see them in the top ten list. No, exactly.

Of great jokes at the Edinburgh Festival this year. Yeah. Joint eighth. He did say that, and he was also laying into rappers, as he called them. He said it's for tone deaf people, all they need is a drum beat and people yelling over each other. That's right. What does he say next? Turn that racket down.

94. He's 71 and he's just properly turned it. I think he probably had his rap spelt with a silent C. He probably did that thing. Imagine a 71-year-old man who doesn't like rap. Yeah. It's easier to imagine that than a 71-year-old man who does like rap, isn't it? In that guy, you'd be interested in music. I think rap is less of a genre now and more an essential element in all music.

It's like not looking pianos or something. I don't think Keith quite grasps that. He said, rap, so many words, so little said. he said rap so many words so little said i mean he could replace talking talking so many words so little said i mean talkies criticizing talkie movies next yeah yeah why do they have to have those voices but black sabbath and i mean come on i was the osbournes moved on as a reality star now he's not even in that band it's interesting i wonder though because as alan and i comedians emily i don't know if we've just wanted to the most sinister thing anyone's ever said to me strange level of penetrating eye contact there is

sounded like a statement and a challenge defy me me. I promise you. I will end you. It's my new positive NLP work I'm doing. Do you know what that was? I am a comedian. Kanye West you like. I'm going to describe that as the closest I've ever come to feeling like I was about to be kidnapped. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

Emily, we've had the text from 753, and we've been talking about pet hates on public transport. Yes. Pets I hate on... Don't bring a pet on. No. Women doing their make-up on the tube. Get up earlier.

I like get up earlier. I've got a lot on. Sorry. No, I don't agree with that. Probably one of the... But anyway, what I was saying, Alan and I, we're talking about Keith Richards. I'll tell you what you said.

Complaining about other acts. Alan and I are comedians. Yes. And then there was silence. Sometimes people aren't sure when they listen to me. Thanks, Matt. I didn't want to lump you in on that. Yeah, I was feeling a bit dragged in.

But what's interesting, because Keith Richards is a rock star, and so he is, him and all his rock star mates, they're all in the same group. As comedians, we all know comedians who are extremely successful and they might not have been our choice for the comedian that was going to become really successful. Yeah, absolutely. We're not going to mention any names.

Please don't. Or give clues. No. But it's interesting that Keith Richards, he thinks like Metallica and Black Sabbath are a joke. Yes. Do you think they just were a bit rude to him at a buffet

at a festival or something once and he's held the grudge for 20 years and now he's going, why not? He's sort of getting further and further back though, isn't he? He's going to be playing into George Pompey next. I tell you what, I think that riff on a glimpse of stocking was really lame.

He doesn't even like Mick Jagger very much. He doesn't? What was he saying about Mick Jagger? He said he's a snob. Did he really? He said he's a snob. And what else did he say? He said his daughter, he said, I'll reinforce that, he says his daughter Georgia May was sitting around in my room,

which I'm worried about. And she said, oh, you know what Dad's's like he's such a snob right that's what i think the historians call empirical evidence isn't it it's certainly a first person account oh my god my history gcs he's coming back to me brilliant i i think that someone needs to educate ke. We need to buy him some, now that's what I call music, Vols 1 through 105 on cassette, obviously. Yeah, he's... But then, you know what? Why does he need to listen to, you know, the current output?

He's got no call for Jay-Z and these people. Unless it comes up on his Sonos or a shuffle that he... He hasn't got Sonos. You don't think he's got a Sonos? No. He's got one free. He's got one of those old school stereos, hasn't he? Surely he has.

He's got one of those bars where the doors open so you can get in. Nice. That's what he's got. We've got just one first person account that I might bring to your attention. I think this will probably close the things that happened on trains, Link, that have been running. Okay, that's it. One I will always remember was travelling home from London

on a rather packed and cramped train where I was sitting next to a young lad listening to his music through his earphones, almost certainly turned up to the max. I could tell everyone around me was getting fed up with this, except the old lady sitting directly opposite him. But then she calmly opened her handbag, rummaged around for a minute, cool as a cucumber,

leant over and cut the lad's earphones with the nail scissors she had pulled from her handbag. I tried but failed dismally to hold the giggles in. Can I just say I love that woman. Respect is due to that old lady. I'm going to start doing that myself. That'd be great. I'm terrified.

It's not always going to be headphones either. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I tell you what I haven't told you about this week. My GCD. Your what? My GCD. Oh, the test results came back.

Yeah, I'm in the clear. It's fine. So, congratulations to you and to you. Yeah, yeah. No, that's what I call a grumpy cab driver. Oh, you've got a grumpy cab driver? Yeah, I often get a GCD. I've had one the other day.

They're annoying, man. How bad was it? Well, you know what I've decided? I used to get in and I'd have sort of anger and grim resignation. Now it's a challenge. I want to kill them with kindness. I want to actually make them angry with my kindness. So, I got

one recently. I had a bad vibe as he had a grubby dividing screen. And that just suggests a sort of abandon hope all ye who enter here approach to life. He also had one of those yellowing paper signs saying cash only, two exclamation marks, full caps lock. What does that tell you? He hasn't thought about the

design very much. No, it was a rhetorical question. He didn't have to literally answer it. It's not blockbusters. He can't use clip art. No, it just implies an aggression. And I also think in 2015, it's a slightly unreasonable assertion. No cash. What do you want? It's like having a sign saying luncheon vouchers only. So anyway, I got in. I said, Bethnal Green, please.

It's a long story. I said, Bethnal Green, please. He said, you what? Oh, my goodness. I said, Bethnal Green, please. And then I thought, no, I'm actually... He said, you what? Again, I said, I love that expression.

It's so cute. That's nice. I said, cute? How patronising. Yeah, that is patronising. He didn't like me. He sighed. He said, I don't know where this is.

How do I know where this is? He doesn't know where Bethnal Green is. I said, let's find it together. Like I went Balamori presenter. That's great. Because at that point, I would have said, you sure this is your car you know this is a taxi don't you i said let me look it up on my gps he said you what i thought this is a catchphrase yeah he's going to be saying this all the time do they still do the knowledge because it doesn't sound like that went too well for him well he then said i started trying to talk to him and he didn't respond.

I said, I'm having trouble hearing you, darling. I called him darling. Did you really? Yes. He said to me, he said, that's because my intercom's broken. So I replied. I said, I'm so sorry to hear that. He said, I'm not.

It's been broken for 12 years. I mean, it wasn't going very well. Yeah, I mean, he's not cracking through his to-do list. I think I might have responded to that amazing 12 years, I might have said. I think he thought I was absolutely hat-stamped by this point. I really think he did. But as he got angrier and angrier,

and the nicer I got, he mellowed. I really think he did. But as he got angrier and angrier, and the nicer I got, he mellowed. I could tell he was mellowing. Because by the end of the journey, he actually said to me, I suppose you want a receipt with that. And I thought we'd actually come on a bit. Oh, that's beautiful. The moral of the story is I've decided, just kill them

with kindness. It's the way. Nice. Did he give you a hug at the end? He tried to yes good for him maybe you should just get into taxis from now on

and just say so what's good surprise me I'm certainly not going to ask him to surprise me absolute absolute

radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio this is your final show with us yeah for maybe Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, if... Gareth still has a file of facts. If, God forbid, anything should happen to you, he's reviewed. I mean, Emily's losing a lot of blood today. Are you going to say Emily's losing her looks? Would that have offended you more? Of course it would.

I'd rather be dead than ugly. No, it's been a pleasure hanging out. Do you know, I've really enjoyed it. It's been nice, hasn't it? Do you know, I've really enjoyed it. It's interesting, the prefix, you know, makes it somehow. Yeah, it's been a nice little reconnect. And the tone of surprise. I surprised myself.

But, you know, it's been lovely having you. We would always have you back. Oh, thank you. Frank will be back next week. Any dates you should put in? None of your business. That's between me and tinder what are you doing later i'll give you a pass no i need to uh you know i need to buy some jeans emily is the thing

oh do you are a professional fashion person yes i am and co-host today host of a radio show no i don't host the today program that would be a very different show if i hosted the today program oh my god i can't believe what you've been saying um what where should i where should i buy jeans from emily well i would say not where you were probably going to buy them would be my first piece of advice yeah uh i would say what are you thinking i mean are you thinking? I mean, are you thinking supermarket? Budget-wise? Yeah. Well under £100. I mean, I'm upping it to £100 because I'm talking to you,

but between £100 and zero? I can't help you. I think the short answer is save up. Save up and then start this chat again. Come back to me when we're talking proper money, OK? It's been so lovely having you both, I was going to say, on the show, like it's my show. It's not my show.

We've missed you this week, Frank, but Gareth, thank you so much for the last few weeks. It's been amazing. And Frank is back next week. Some of you will be relieved to hear, but it's been lovely standing in for him. Thank you, Alan. Alan thank you Gareth I'll be seeing you