The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - May Poll

Episode Date: July 14, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. England might not be in the World Cup final but Three Lions is number one in the charts! This week Frank discovers the freebies you get when you're a chart topper and the team discuss the Wrighty Keane spat and the arrival of Donald Trump.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Before we even get started, Al, I'm addressing you here. Me? Yeah, I think we need to acknowledge that we've got a bit of a record breaker in the studio this morning. Oh, yes.

Are you aware of this? Record breaker. I don't know if we've got record breaker jingle. No, we haven't. Oh. But you are one, Frank. Yes. You've got the longest fingernails in the world.

Yes. I beat, was it Flo? Flo Jo? Florence Joyner-Griffiths? One of the American female. Flo Jo. Did she have long fingernails? She did, yes.

Yes, I'm number one in the official UK BBC charts. Pop charts. Me and... Is it the BBC charts? Yeah. Alright. The one that you listen to when you was a kid on the radio.

That one. There's only one jingle I can really think of. Okay. Congratulations and jubilation. Also number one I think in his day. Yeah. Cliff Richard. We can still mention him.

Yeah. He wouldn't have predicted that two years mention him it's fine now you wouldn't have predicted that two years ago it's fine you're the first people ever to have a number one four times yes feet the same artists it's gobsmacking

we're calling it three lions at 18 you beat off Drake and Michael Jackson really goodness me late review Michael Jackson. Really? Goodness me. Okay. Late review. Michael Jackson's still there. It's Drake feet,

Michael Jackson. Oh, did he do that? Is he one of those when they go to a track and they pull him up? Yeah, might have sampled him. Yeah. Sampled.

Okay. Sampled. Are you excited though about it, Frank? Oh, God, am I excited? I actually, I'll tell you what I did yesterday. Yeah? I've, when I,

when the chart was coming out. Something the actor of You Sing Run by the radio. You know when you listen to the radio on the telly, apparently the most expensive way to listen to the radio. Who cares? When you're number one. So I waited, Scott Mills, during the announcement, and he said, so he did Scott Mills doing the announcement and he said

so he did the number three thing and he said right so who's it going to be who misses out George Ezra or Badil Skinner and Lightning Seed

and I filmed it so I'm reflected in my own telly screen what about that like Hitchcock a bit like Hitchcock and I still absolutely

I knew what was coming I absolutely whooped. Oh, good. Oh, God, come on. You are excitable, though, aren't you? That's one of the things I envy about you. I think being me all while in the show. That is quite exciting.

I'm so totally. Yeah, but I'm an enthusiast, I think it's fair to say. Yeah. Having said that, in the middle of the filming, Cass phoned me up, my partner, to New Readers, so the filming stopped. And I said, listen, I just got the chart show, and I was just recording Scott Mills announcing

that we're number one in the chart. And she said, OK, I'm at Rachel's. Can you be ready for 20 past seven? And I thought she didn't hear me. Obviously she didn't hear me. So I said, no, we're number one in the proper official, you know, the BBC official charts. What did she say?

And she said, so is that all right, 20 past 7? And I said, yeah. Oh, the founder. Yeah, but that's the better way, Frank. Is it? You don't want them hungry. Is it? Is she a big fan of If, the thing. Yeah, but that's the better way, Frank. Is it? You don't want them hungry. Is it? Is she a big fan of if the thing where they say

treat triumph and disaster and meet those two imposters just the same? I don't know, but why does... She could opt the way she treated disaster, maybe. Maybe a bit friendlier to disaster. But I would rather she greeted the news like that, to be honest, than that she stood outside the house

with a sort of tight-fitting t-shirt with you and David on the front, having a picture taken. There might be something in between those two extremes. It's possible. But the whole thing, you know, we've had a summer of sort of like being the

new... Oh, what happened? I've just been handed a note. It was really quiet. It's got the word Fez on it. And I thought, what's that? Have I said something wrong? George Fezra. Should I mention George Fezra was number one? You've beaten George Fezra.

So I suspect he's got beef. Maybe he's been in touch. No, no, I'll tell you what he did. To be fair to George Fez's right. He did a decent thing, didn't he? He went on Twitter or something and he said, look, I've had my time at number one. How old is he? He said, let's all get together

and make Three Lions number one. And I said, that's lovely. And my manager said, yeah, of course, he already knew by then what the sales were. He's making the best of a bad job. So that's the difference between the artist and the business manager, of course, in life. But it's been, the last three weeks has been a bit like being the ice bucket challenge. Oh, right.

Yeah. Which is, except no one got hurt. You know, it's lovely. Well, probably a few people got hurt. You wouldn't be surprised. It's not over yet. Probably a few more on the way. Let's not dwell on that.

It's funny that Three Lions is number one because I like it. I know it well. That's a relief. you would think of this week that that would be the song that would spin around in my head like you know this earworm that people talk about where it goes around in your head. Friday

morning I caught myself singing the National Anthem. Just humming it around the house God save our, you know the song. Yes I've heard it. But I didn't expect me to be earwormed by that and I can only think it's the football. Of course, the National Anthem people did what we did

with Three Lions 98. What was that? They changed the lyrics and had a hit with it all over again when the king died. Oh, did a remix, yeah. They just changed it's changing to queen and then we released it it's another massive hit yeah they changed one word we got condemned you know for for milking it did you yeah oh god yeah but um yeah just queen i mean that's

they didn't even like do any masculine you know any less masculine things. Or put in some different character traits, maybe. Yeah, exactly. Caring and compassionate and all that, anything like that. No. Change victorious. Better at organising things. Yeah, none of that. Just left you with the same stuff they'd said about the king.

Are you suggesting they should have had a mena from Mars? That's tough about the face. Or a Venus approach to God about the king. Are you suggesting they should have had a mena from Mars? That's stuff about the face. Or a Venus approach to God save the Queen. Stuff about what faces she pulls when she's shaving. It just seems inappropriate, isn't it, with the Queen instead of the King. Anyway, wow it. So are we going to talk about the football,

the actual football? Yes, can I ask you a sort of a, I don't know, this would be a linguistic joint, see what we make of this. Before, I watched the first half of England. Croatia. Croatia, thanks. It's a good half to watch. Yeah, so I watched that and then it's Boz's bedtime,

so he was watching it with me and David Baddiel and it was Boz's bedtime so he was watching it with me and David Baddiel and it was Boz's bedtime so I said right you need to go to bed now and so me and him

we said our prayers we always say our prayers at night indoctrination some might say I'll see you on Lucifer's griddle is how I respond

anyway so I'll be the button mushroom. Yeah, so... Keeping it fact-based here on Absolute Radio. Oh, you too. So, at the end of the prayer, because we don't pray for personal gain, at the end of it, he said,

and can you let England win the match, please? And I said, boss, I don't know if you should pray for that. He said, yeah, but I said let, not make. I thought that's quite a good distinction for a six-year-old, isn't it? Yeah, let. Yeah, we could. He's talking about tennis, not football. I think you could have a seminar about the difference between let them win and make them win.

Yeah. Yeah? Anyway, at 12.15, if there's any linguists. The difference between let them win and make them win. Yeah. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Anyway, at 12.15, if there's any linguists... You're quite strict on the prayers front. Why? Well, you don't want to be praying for stuff like football matches. Oh, OK, so you can't ask for your own things when you pray? No, you have to...

Oh, OK. This is how to pray. Well, I'd like to know. I've got no idea. Well, you can at some... I think you can do stuff like that. You know, I'd like a diamond ring, please. I mean, for goodness sake.

I'll leave that to the atheists and their materialistic lifestyles. No, I'm praying for things like, you know, the third world. It's all right to call it the third world. Where's the brochure on what we can and can't say? Yeah, is that okay? On what we can and can't say. The undeveloped world, basically. I've got to worry, as I said, the third world, that that might be something you can't say anymore. I think it's developing world.

Okay. Come on, we know what we mean. The developing world, yeah. The D world. I need you to make sense of what happened this week for me. Because there's bits I don't quite get. No, not through prayer, just through his expertise in the area of football.

I think we might have, the fares has arrived, and so that means we have to go to, we have to have a message from our sponsors and all that, you know what I mean? You know what I'm talking about, Willis? Yeah. Okay.

They're not making us though. What? They're not making, it's a case of letting them yes I think I'm getting my head around it 697 has got earwormed with this time more than any other time

by the 1982 England squad. Sorry, Frank, although they had... I do have three lines on cassette that included the lyrics on the back. That was for the day. I loved it when they did that. I'll tell you what I listened to yesterday, for reasons I won't bother you with. I listened to Frank Sinatra singing New York, New York.

Were you at a stag, Steve? It's terrible. I've always been a big fan of Frank Sinatra singing New York, New York. Were you at a stag, Steve? Terrible. I've always been a big fan of Frank. I never realised how bad both the orchestration and the vocal is on that song. How do you find the lyrics? Are you okay with those? I don't mind the lyrics.

Oh, okay. But the band sound like they're all drunk. It's all over the place. And he does that thing that Frank Sinatra does when he does the tune. So he goes, I want to wake up in a city that doesn't sleep to find I'm top of the heap.

And it's all that stuff. And honestly, it sounds like some terrible, I don't know if I got a live version of some of it I don't know, it said like it was the proper thing I thought the Sinatra song that people most didn't like was my way because it's kind of obnoxious

isn't it? Well it's a bit sea wing isn't it? I mean the one thing, it's a bit sea wing prisoners, that's? That's prisoners. Oh. That's the section of Strange Ways which was righted in once. I know my prisoners very well.

Okay. So, I'm saying prisoners have it at their funerals. Oh, on my one? Yes. Okay. I have an issue with Lady and the Tramp. Mainly because... Not for reasons you'd think,

but because of the... No, Frank, she's broke but it's oak. Yeah. Come on. I don't mind that. How can you not mind that? It's utterly senseless. Well, oak is okay. And then he goes, okay it's California.

So he elongates it. Do you see? I love a bit of clever. What about, do you know that mountain greenery? Do you know that song? No. In our mountain greenery. And you think, I know it's coming. And the next rhyme is scenery.

And you think, of course, what else is it going to be? And you think, what happens in verse two? So it's quite a moment. So he goes, in our mountain greenery, beans could get no keenery-ception in a beanery. Now, come on. That's a masterpiece.

Beans could get no keenery. Oh, so things like that make me sick. Oh, I love it. Because it doesn't scan. No, I just imagine someone sitting there trying too hard and trying to make that, I don't like it, Frank.

I think it's a masterpiece. Okay. And you're number one. Yes, I don't like it, Frank. I think it's a masterpiece. Okay. And you're number one. Yes, I know about lyrics. You're in the charts. All right. Frank. Favourite lyrics at 12.15.

Oh, it's I've been a DJ. Favourite lyrics, guys. It's been a long time coming. No, it's got to be a clever, it's got to be a clever piece of lyrics, not someone about love or something. I've got a great idea. What about misheard lyrics no the day we do misheard lyrics on this show is a day i um that was my point i

back my car into this studio put on the exhaust and seal up all the yeah yeah um yeah let's do that he thought i really meant no i didn't i didn't. I didn't think it. Okay, good. I had to get a warning out there before someone sent out me a lyric. Of course I didn't think you really meant it. Good, thank you. I'm relieved. Well, you wouldn't be my friend. But clever lyrics would be good.

Okay. Clever and surprising rhymes. I would like that. Frank, I really want to talk about the mountain greenery lyrics. I just have one question for you. Yeah. Which at some point this morning I would like you to I really want to talk about Mountain Greenery lyrics. I just have one question for you. Yeah. Which at some point this morning I would like you to answer.

Okay, right. How come we were 22 minutes away from a World Cup final and then suddenly we weren't? And to me... They scored. I know. But, I mean, I don't know as much about football as you and I'm looking to you for some expertise,

some guidance, some wisdom. Why did we look like we had the flu when we were playing? What happened? Well, obviously, if I knew the answer to that. I mean, I don't think Gareth Southgate knows the answer to that. Okay. I think, if I'm going to be brutally honest, I think we did slightly better than we should have done, really.

And that's good. It's good to push yourself slightly beyond. But we could have, with a bit of luck, yeah, we could have been in the final, which would have been... See, losing the final, it's not like losing the semi-final, because you get the final, you're sort of in it. Yeah. But, you know,

I sort of felt alright after. I sort of felt like, hey, it's been great. Weird, because normally I don't speak to anybody for ages. There was also part of me thinking I don't know if I could cope with Sunday, emotionally. Because not only would England have been

in the World Cup final, but they're showing a clip on BBC, they're showing a clip on BBC, they're showing a clip from the new Doctor Who series at half-time. I think I might have just had a breakdown. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Ian Wright and Roy Keane, I would like to discuss. Ah, yes.

They had what I believe Hugh Grant calls an on-set hissy fit as a bit of a shouty-screamy dear. Yeah. And they had a bit of a shouty-screamy with each other. Has he been away? Hugh Grant. Roy Keane. You know, in the days where people had a really big tan

you used to say have you been away you can't do it now because they might just have been to a place tanning salon or put stuff on but he really looked like

he'd just been away right yeah he really did he's been in Russia for three weeks I think it is but some days in Russia it looks like

yeah it seems like it's been hot there I never think of Russia as being hot no snowy anyway yes they had a bit of a falling out didn't they right Yeah, it seems like it's been hot there. I never think of Russia as being hot, do you? No. Snowy. Anyway, yes, they had a bit of a falling out, didn't they, right?

Well, it all kicked off. Roy said you were planning the parade. You need a reality check. Oh, my favourite bit was... Well, I've got two favourite bits. Go on. When I say this, I feel like I've got a bit of a fellow killjoy in me, as Roy Keane. I can party poop.

But I was trying to be upbeat about England and I thought it was coming home and I was joining in and then Roy Keane said, you were all planning the final and not playing the semi-final and all that stuff. But my favourite bit was when he said, you're a grown man. Telling a said to, you're a grown man and you...

Telling a grown man that they're a grown man is so insulting, isn't it? Like, you're a grown man and you've played the game. Like, you should know better. Oh, man, reality check. You're a grown man and you've played the game. It also gives that very insight, that thing into the way Roy Keane thinks

anyone who hasn't played a game has got nothing to say about football at all. At all. At least we stayed out there for the whole tournament and didn't go home, Roy. You know what I mean? God, if we'd have gone all the way to the fire, we'd have been burned to a crisp

with that obsessive sunbathing he's been doing. I'm not taking advice from someone who walks out of World Cups. No, thank you. Yeah, true. Kind of. I mean, he's a grown man. He's played the game. I think officially, you know, he was sent home. I think so.

Well, he was sent home due to inexcusable behaviour and there was a round of applause when Mick McCarthy sent him home. Really? Yes. There you go. Okay. He's go. Okay. He's a grown man. I mean, I think the phenomenon he's talking about was we've all got that thing,

certainly over the last few years, of saying, well, you know, they won't do anything. You know what they're like and all that. And for whatever reason, that started to break down a bit and people did start to think it was going to happen you know yeah and there are people who think that you can't do that you have to always let people know that you know it might not happen well of course everybody knows it might not happen but it's about actually enjoying it about letting you it's like people

some people who want a sort of a pre-nuptial agreement with the world cop yeah they want to kind of it might not you don't why you even have to talk about that the so-called reality check it's okay to be really optimistic and that and then you can do your moaning and mourning when it's when you're actually out. But some people think, no, I have to put a bit of that in or I won't look like I really know what I'm doing. Shut your face in. So just to

clarify, you've told Roy Keane to shut his face in. Well, I'll tell you what was great. Ian Wright was so... I've never seen anyone less frightened of Roy Keane than Ian Wright was. It was so brilliant. I mean, he did the accent. Yeah, he did the accent. I've never seen anyone less frightened of Reiki than he had Reiki once. It was so brilliant. I mean, he did the accent.

Yeah, he did the accent. The final. The final. I've just done it. I'm sorry. I'm doing an impression of him writing. Well, in the end, yeah. I mean, there was...

You know what? It wasn't until after. I usually, if anyone does an accent, I think he's all right. But it was so in context. It was from a simpler time. When if a bloke was being a bit of a, I can't think of a word, but let's put blank, head, put in anything you like in front of head.

When a bloke was being like that, you'd just pick on something else to wind you up. Finally, finally. And it was just Ian Wright doing that. It was so fearless. A right kid. And being incited by the others. But he thought it was a little...

Oh, man. I didn't think I could love Wrighty any more than I already did, but I did after that. It wasn't like he was standing up to him. He was just laughing at him. I mean, right kid. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can we take this moment to just applaud the audience for our readership, for not sending us in misheard lyrics. Yeah. So far we've not had any. No, no, I think I was strict on that

we actively don't want that but they are sending in some clever lyrics send them into capital that's right there's a time and a place we've had an email, clever lyrics and how even handed is this for clever lyrics, I particularly dislike the Kaiser Chiefs

but they do have a great lyric in Oh My God and the quote is I come back stronger than a powered up Pac-Man That surely deserves some recognition Yeah, I think it's alright I come back stronger than a powered up Pac-Man

However, I think potentially the winner of the Favourite Lyrics competition 295, it's a very brief competition. Frank my, it's a very brief competition. Yeah. Frank, my favourite lyric is from Shakira. A bit like the World Cup. Yeah.

My favourite lyric is from Shakira, Whenever, Wherever, and, quote, Good job that my breasts are small and humble so you don't confuse them with mountains. Wow. And that's from Dazza driving his pink and grey van In Canterbury We've got a lot of info about

To be fair I think that was when she was The international ambassador For the Ordnance Survey That's right Wow What about that song about Osama Bin Laden that goes All music's banned by the Taliban

So he always misses the ice cream van. Which is a Frank Skinner lyric. I believe it is. I believe it is. What about me? Come on. You're also in the... Final.

Go on, girl. What's this? Have you got a lyric? Have you got a lyric? Have I got a lyric? No, I want to talk about... I've done my lyric. My lyric was Lady and the Tramp. She's broke, but it's okay.

I mean, look, I could be here all morning doing lyrics. There's a good Elvis one. It's sort of spiritual. And it is one of the most basically fundamental theological concepts I've ever heard. The title is called I Believe in the Man in the Sky. But also there's a bit that says my steps they may falter, my eyes may grow dim, but he's my Gibraltar, I'm counting on him. I thought, does Elvis, does he know what Gibraltar is?

Yeah. And when they brought the lyrics, he must have said, what is this song? Gibral, Gibraltar. Gibraltar,

so what's a rock? I bet he did a rock music joke. I mean, I bet. And can you imagine the sycophantic laughter whenever he did the joke?

but they didn't have Google so they couldn't even, they couldn't just get up a quick picture of Gibraltar, tell him about the monkeys, and he'd be edgy that it was inappropriate in a spiritual... I'd love to have been a flower on the wall at the Gibraltar revelation for Elvis. It's not oft talked about episode in his life, but I'm going to write a play about it.

Yeah. I've just made my mind up. Got a taste for playwriting. Can we do it as a two-hander at the Edinburgh Festival, along with my play about... You're not the first woman to say that to me. Frank, my play is about Glenn Hoddle holding the imaginary microphone.

What's it called? Hand of Hod. Oh, come on! Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Can I tell you something?

Early on, I played, in reference to being number one in the pop charts, this. Congratulations and jubilation. And I've had that in the jingles box for two or three weeks and I just thought, I heard congratulations, I just thought there's someone intrinsically comic about it. So I found or emailed Daisy and said, do you think you can get me a little jingle made of congratulations?

Just a little. And then I forgot about it. And then a couple of days later, I got an email from Daisy that was entitled congratulations. And I thought, oh, wow, I've won something brilliant. And then it was just about some jingle. So, such a calm day.

Oh, congratulate you on your fortunate life. Oh, Frank, we need to talk about... Oh, I had an idea, by the way, a marketing idea. You know M&S have been selling... Oh, great. I'd love some of this. You know M&S have been selling... Right, I love some of this. You know M&S have been selling the waistcoat to Gareth Southgate? Yeah, the waistcoat Wednesday.

Did you wear one? And also in the argument between Wrighty and Roy Keane, or let's call it the argument between Wrighty and Rongi. Yeah. He said you need a reality check, that's what Roy Keane... What about He said you need a reality check. That's what I'm right keen. What about if someone developed a

reality check, like dog tooth check? And then you could have a waist cut made out of that for people who hadn't enjoyed the experience. Oh, that's good. Yes. I think you're right. I don't think they're developing any new checkers fabrics, are they? They do call them checkers.

It's like the Dr Houndstooth and Prince of Wales. Yeah, those are the only checks. What are the checks? Available. Yeah, what are the reality checks? Those are the only two I'm familiar with. I don't know what the design would be, but I think people would buy into a reality deck waistcoat

or suit, maybe, for some people. Yeah? Yeah. I just think we'll sell quite a few post-Brexit. Not that people will be able to afford them. But, you know. Possibly. Yeah, maybe somewhat small.

Reality check. Handkerchief. Yeah? For putting on your stick when you leave home. Did you do waistcoat weddings, Steve Frank? No. What kind of thing? David Baddiel arrived at my house with a waistcoat. He didn't. Did you do waistcoat weddings, did you think? No. What kind of thing? David Baddiel arrived at my house

with a waistcoat. He didn't. Did he? But Boz wore it for the first half. I toyed with wearing a waistcoat. Oh, yeah? But, well, I didn't want to wear a long-sleeved powder blue shirt underneath,

so then I thought, well, I'll just wear the waistcoat. Well, see, Dave was going to put it... And then I thought that's a bit... I don't know, that's a bit presenter of tis was in the 70s very similar thing

Dave said do you think I should wear the waistcoat well he had a t-shirt on I said I'd be like watching the match with Francis Ross and I don't fancy that much, God bless him so yeah so Bosworth was the waistcoat did ye both hear

one of my favourite moments of the week can I say that the waistcoat there's something when I see a bloke in a waistcoat I do think

of drunken people at weddings there's something that can unsettle me about them very unsettling not on Gareth he can do

oh not on Gareth but ladies Frank with no top just a waistcoat, makes me feel a bit sick. Oh, I haven't ever seen that. Oh, it was a very big look in the 70s. There was a potential Sally James, who, frankly, you're familiar with. Oh, yeah, she had a denim waistcoat.

That was her shtick, yeah. It was, totally. And the dads used to get closer to the TV on a Saturday morning. Oh, right. Apparently. I'll have a look at that. Yeah, I didn't like it my hangovers were too bad of course to be thinking like that have a tv on the reservation no i didn't grow up

with native americans by the way i used to sleep i used to sleep on um on uh grass reservations at the side of the road. Get over it. Now he's number one in the pop charts, so, you know. Exactly. Who wins the long game? Yeah, quite right. Not asked the other night. Don't give up, you people who sleep on reservations.

I don't mean the Native Americans again. Don't start sending a lot of messages. No. I don't know if they're allowed to send messages. No, the clean air laws have come out. Anyway, is this all right? Where's the brochure?

It's all right. I've been told to go into a break. Good, good. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I wanted to discuss Martin Keown. Oh, yeah. Which was one of my favourite moments of the week last week.

Did you both hear this? During the Sweden game? Yeah. Oh, no, I heard it happen the sweden game yeah oh no i heard it happen i i couldn't believe it when i heard it and i had to did you hear it loa live on it yes i had to pause the tv i thought i don't care about the game i've got to hear this again what a world we live in that you can pause the tv yeah we round it about three Oh, brave new world to have such people in. We went to a bed and breakfast once with my kids and they were absolutely baffled that they couldn't pause the television just because it was the first time they were in a sort of basic rudimentary environment where we were like, no, you can't pause it all.

I should say, Alan lives in what we used to call that house of the future. Yeah, exactly. We all do now. Yeah. So, anyway. So, there was an absolutely stunning piece of commentary from Martin Keown, who said, at one point, they were talking about something,

I think he said, you know, someone said, how many people are watching, the whole country are watching, I think, is it Guy Mowbray who does the commentary with him? And he said, well, I don't know. There might be someone at home reading a book. They need to get a life. Wow. Come on.

That is great. No. And no one picked up on it. No one said anything. It wasn't. That was it. It just was left there hanging. I think he was joking, wasn't he?

Well, I hope he wasn't because I love that he said it. It's a weird joke, isn't it? I think he was just carried away in the moment. Do you think he was suggesting... Do you think he's a big fan of biographies and autobiographies? So if there are any people who like reading, they should get a life. Yeah. I'd particularly enjoy that.

That's a good point, actually. Yeah, maybe he runs an autobiographical book club. I'd like to be part of that, the Kehoe and... Yeah. Well, you would. You've got an autobiography available that could go around the book group. Two.

You're always promoting something, aren't you? Well, they want him to write another one. I have it on good authority. Frank. Yes. They do. I can't believe good authority. Frank? Yes. They do. I can't believe you said that on air. Ah!

I'll just put the price up. Why not? I don't think it was, as has been portrayed by the internet, I don't think it was Martin Keown making an anti-reading propaganda message. I think he was making maybe a light a maybe a light hearted remark about this is what living is really like watching the football at this moment No I won't because this World Cup has slightly changed

the world I think people who have been watching Love Island and that they see Gareth Southgate and think I don't know there were people like this who were sort of like decent measured and bright and not you know not showy kind orange just like a yeah i wonder if it's gonna be the hint i wonder if he's gonna

mend broken britain with his do you think yeah is he gonna get prank? With his waistcoat. Yeah, maybe. I'd buy into the waistcoat if it was going to make people read books. Yeah. Get a life. Get a life. My favourite footballing put down ever was when Bill Shankly, the Liverpool manager, he's a famous Scottish football manager, and the goalkeeper in a game, Tommy Lawrence, they lost the game and the ball went through the goalie's legs.

And it was always a major embarrassment for a goalie. And in the dressing room after he came up in front of all the players, Tommy Lawrence, and said, Boss, I'm really sorry, I should have kept my legs closed. And he said, Not you, your mother. Wow. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, you know what? We're talking about, you know, I've got a slightly ongoing thing about people being surprised by the red arrows and all that. And I was talking to someone last week, you may recall you've been surprised by them. I had a worse thing this week. I was...

And can we say they were everywhere this week? I was in rehearsals, darling. Lovely. Is this for your play? Yes. And I went to the toilet and I came out and they all said, oh, you've just missed the red arrows. Oh, I was gutted.

And the thing is that, you know, once they're missed, they're missed, the red arrows. Oh, yeah. They've gone. They're on forgiving entertainment. They are and they're gone. Yeah. And I really, I was...

Were you sad? Yeah. Because it is exciting when you see them. I've seen a lot of helicopters this week for various... Oh, Trampol Stiltskin. Yeah, visits. But I was thinking,

have you ever been to an air show? Strange Alan Partridge chat-up line. Yeah. I think I went to an air show as a child, but I can't remember any of the detail. I think it's a lot of looking up. Do people lie on their backs? Can I just say, Al,

there's something of a be-my-eyes son quality to that. No, because I was... I didn't like the air show. I was thinking about an air show, and then I thought, well, exactly that. Do people lie on their back because that would be the obvious thing to do

the best way to watch aeroplanes otherwise you are crying in your neck all afternoon I can't really recall people lying on their back I can't really recall it

but I think I've been to air shows when I was a kid I also think there must be a signal for people trying to make money because you can't

surely if you stand just outside an air show, you can see the air show. It's the old firework display problem. Yeah, yeah. So people are paying to go in and then there's people standing outside thinking, you know, I'm not paying for the sky.

I can't imagine I'd have, I'd get much out of an air show. Really? I'm thinking I was going to suggest staff outing to an air show. What do you think? They don't have them in town much. We don't have to lie down. Can we bring a nice towel or something? You don't have to.

Bring a hand mirror. What if it's raining? Bring a shoe kit. Use your compact. The mirror in your compact. And just watch them like that. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

The shadows. Just look at the shadows. Oh, Hank Marvin. The VIP at an air show. Do you think? There'll be a VIP area. I think if you're a VIP, you get put in a sort of a dentist's chair. Oh, perfect.

A la the England squad. Absolutely perfect. I'd like to apologise. I've just noticed my own mistake that I made Frank said the shadows and I said Hank Marvin and I meant Hank Wangford No you didn't

Hank Marvin was in the shadows Oh was he? Who's Hank Wangford? Hank Wangford is a country and western singer stroke gynaecologist Is he? Yeah. Is that a fact?

That's a fact. I wouldn't make that up for comedy. No, it is. You made other stuff up. Remember that time you told us that you invented Gap? No, I didn't say I invented it. I said I was at the meeting where we came up with the name. Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, don't make me out to be a liar. Anyway, what's the most exciting thing you've ever seen in the sky? 8, 12, 15. I'll tell you what, I saw a space shuttle on the back of an aeroplane when I was a kid. No way. I mean it.

You didn't. I walked out of our house and the bloke said, there it is. And I looked up and the space shuttle was on the back of an aeroplane. Wow. Going over smethic. How do you mean, am I sure? Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. A lot of air show news in, Frank. Good. I realise now I know nothing about air shows. Wow. I'm assuming it's just people standing looking at planes above, but there might be more to it, I realise now I know nothing about air showers. Well. I'm assuming it's just people standing looking at planes above,

but there might be more to it, isn't there? I think there might also be the odd parked-up plane or helicopter or something that you could go in as a kid. I've got a memory of that. Oh, they'd take you up in it? No, just look at the dials. I like to look at the dials of the machine, you know? Ah, yes. Gather around the fireside, I like to look at the dials of the machine Ah yes

Gather around the fireside because Stephen from Ramsbottom has been in touch Biggest airshow in Europe today I think it's a RAF one at Fairford We are booked into the VIP section There is a VIP section

And it's called the PIMS flight deck Oh okay Is it raised? Is it slightly raised so you're a bit closer to the aeroplane? Yeah. I really hope so. I don't know if there's much gain in there. What about that for a text in?

Things that you just missed. I just missed the Red Arrows. I remember I raced across Paris once to visit Napoleon's tomb. Oh, did you? And when I got there, the bloke was just... You worried you'd miss him? Yeah, it was just closing. I got there.

What, his tomb? And the bloke was just going no. And just shut it. The door was still open. I just, can I just, just, hey, look, just hey, look. No. And so I've never seen Napoleon. Things you narrowly missed out,

like with Shaquille O'Neal, in my case. Oh, did you really? Yeah, you know about that. Oh, of course. It's one of my regular stories. It's one of mine as well. That's a great, weird coincidence.

Right near miss, that is. Oh, we've had a text from Gareth Sands guy. Near miss. Near things I just missed out on. Someone from Stella, Frank, from Clacton-on-Sea. I don't know if she's from Clacton-on-Sea, actually. She's telling us that there is an air show in August. Oh.

And also, I saw the space shuttle on the back of a plane. See? Stood on London Bridge for hours waiting to see it fly past. I remember when people used to point at Concorde when that went across. Oh yeah. I tell you something, I get quite excited at a lost balloon. You know when you see a balloon just really, really high in the sky.

I mean, you know there's been tears somewhere probably involved in it but it's definitely it's great that the sense of escape yeah things i narrowly missed hitler just missed 12 years i mean it's close yeah close i was on his vapor trails and not literally not politically but I mean so yeah things I nearly missed out on, best things you've seen in the sky that'll keep them cooking won't it? Ollie in Bexhill has been in touch already with one I missed the super blood moon because I

stayed up to see it on the wrong night oh what about when I stayed up to watch the moon land and it landed and the lunar module was there for ages and I fell asleep and when I stayed up to watch the moon land and it landed and the lunar module was there for ages and I fell asleep and when I woke up they'd already been out and gone back. That's a signal.

I missed my first two take-offs on aeroplanes because I was so tired I fell asleep on them both just shortly before taking off. That's incredible. It was amazing, isn't it? People who are frightened of flying will listen to that with some awe and wonder. You'll slip through the take-off.

Oh! You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've got one of our pedant emails, but I don't think mean-spirited. OK. This is an email that says, a kid, and then four question marks,

and then it continues, the Space Shuttle, brackets, Enterprise, close brackets, only ever visited the UK once. How old was Frank in 1983? Oh, good heavens. No, I wasn't a kid, you're quite right. I mean, there's a lot of detail in 1983. Oh. Oh. Good heavens. No, I wasn't a kid. You're quite right. I mean, there's a lot of detail in this.

I like the fact that somebody off the top of their head knows how I was. Well, doesn't the space shuttle exist? Well, it didn't. It didn't exist when I was a kid. It actually exploded on my birthday, weirdly. But we won't go into that. Don't attract it.

Don't get it on. We'll move on. Keep it light, dear love. Keep it light. Are you OK ok Emily? well yeah I'm fine but thanks for that it's weird isn't it because I was living with my parents

so I have a sense of being a kid well you do watch Doctor Who you could have been 40 yeah exactly Frank we have Whatever Happened To up for that?

banging your coccyx of Whatever Happened To. Up for that? Whatever Happened To. Banging your coccyx. Oh, yes. Used to be a regular feature in my life and a common theme among others. Never hear of it now. People would fall over and say, oh, bang me coccyx. I think there was so many things going on then as well

because people don't normally know the name. You've never heard anyone bang their things out of it. My femur, or whatever it is. Or my scapula. I just caught my scapula. Yeah, they knew that bone though. But that bit. You know why they knew that?

Why? Sounded a little bit cheeky. That's why. So they got in a bit of seaside postcard comedy plus a bit of medical knowledge in one thing. Do you know, they probably heard it on a Carry On film,

Carry On Doctor. I'm sure it would have been in there. And people who were on a roll would then go on to explain that when we had tails, that's where it came from. When I say we, I mean,

obviously we didn't have tails, but our forebears. Yeah. Didn't we? Yeah. Yeah. Were they apes? Apes don't have tails, but our forebears. Yeah. Didn't we? Yeah. Yeah. Were they apes? Apes don't have tails, actually.

Do they? That's a quite a question. No, they weren't the old coccyx. Apes don't have them. They just have that sort of, you know, you know, the sort of the pink boxing glove that they have for their bombs. Yes.

Yeah. No, that's, why do we have a cup? We never had tails at all. That's a lie. That's monkeys. Yeah. What, are you saying that's monkeys, as in that's rubbish? No.

I wouldn't mind using that as a... I think it's good. Such monkeys. Yeah. 757 has another whatever happened to. Whatever happened to the World Cup Frank's spot on impression of Sven any time I hear a commentator say the World Cup

it sets off an instant reaction for me to correct them by saying Frank when we play in the World Cup excellent Sven's been very low profile this very it's odd I've seen they brought Ulrika out for the Sweden England game

but not Sven really surprising well I mean the tails wagging the donkey the monkey yeah yeah you're right you know what you know what they say one of the most tedious things you can have is someone telling you the plot of a movie. Oh, yeah. Oh, isn't it? I hate it when people do that. Yeah, I do normally, but Boz, my six-year-old,

told me over the space of about 40 minutes the plot of Beethoven. You know, Beethoven, it's not a classical musical. It's a dog film. Dog film. One of my favourites. I've never seen it. Oh, I'll come and watch classical musical. It's a dog film. Dog film. One of my favourites. I've never seen it. Oh, I'll come and watch it with him.

I love that film. He told it with such animation. It's not animated. No. He told it with such enthusiasm and animation. I thought, the film cannot be as good as this. I wonder if there is scope in the age of low fi television

of having a film channel where it's people just describing films. Yeah, I think so. And not show the films at all. Yeah. I think when I first joined this show, I bought a ticket at a cinema for a film and I said oh, has it already started? And the guy told me what had happened in it so far.

Brilliant. He just narrated the first two scenes. But people do that. Don't you think you meet people at parties? They tell you what happened up to that point often. So you know where you're joining them in the story. So far. Yeah. Yeah, so it's a time-honoured tradition.

But I would watch a film channel where people just told us about films. Yeah. It's a big commitment, a film, in this meme age. We could do a podcast, a podcast where we just tell people about films. Just call it All The Spoilers, or something about spoilers.

And then at Christmas, we can have the special where we tell them our dreams. Let's really see how far we can push them. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. Lots of people have. They don't care. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, you know, like on the internet, and then email the show via the Absolute Radio website also I think an internet thing, isn't it? Mm-hmm

Okay, thanks You know the internet We've got the news on in the background whilst we're chatting Don't tell them that Well, it's just the pictures really in case anything massive happens, isn't it? Yeah. And the thing that is massive

is the blimp that is constantly being shown on the news of the Donald. You know the Donald J. Trump, POTUS? Oh, yeah. POTUS is visiting. He had a visit with Theresa. Well, he's gone from English shores. Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's in Scotchland now, where he's got a golf course. And that's not going to have the blimp. The blimp was allowed in London, but it is not allowed in Scotland. Can I ask about the blimp? Sure. The blimp is... But maybe say it to my face. It's an image.

God, I thought you were else at the time. Okay, okay. The blimp is Trump as a baby. Yeah. Yeah, but what Trump baby? Yeah, what is it? What is that? What's the reference?

It's to indicate that I think, sorry, Emily, I think it's to indicate that he has sort of childlike qualities, I'm going to say. You see, if somebody started from scratch to make a Trump blimp, they're not going to go baby. It's an indistinct, unfocused slur, I think. Right. I think what's happened,

there's been a big nappy advert somewhere, and that's been left over, and someone said, you know what, we could turn this into a sort of Trump baby. Nobody would start with Trump baby. I don't buy that. I think you might be right.

It's just not good enough. Also, it was too attractive, Trump baby. Because it had a nice golden ice cream cone hair. Ice cream swirl, sorry, hair. Should have had sort of orange thatch. Is it three-dimensional, the hair on it? Yes.

Is it? Yes, it is. See, that's why somebody's saying that baby looks a bit like Donald Trump. All we need is a bit of a paint job there. Could be wrong. But if someone said to me, we're building a Donald Trump blimp, I'd want it in the suit and the big red tie and all that.

So when you saw it, definitely. And put maybe devil horns on it or something like that. Yeah, 100%. Oh, but a baby? Where'd you get that from? That's a stupid idea. What kind of a meeting was that? It's babyish, yeah.

Come on, guys. I don't necessarily think the blimp is a good idea anyway. You don't? Well the blimp is a good idea anyway. You don't? Well, I sort of think. Isn't the point of if you want to punish a narcissist, you deprive them of the spotlight? Oh, right. Surely.

That's what you do. It's hard to do that, though, with poters. Well, it's not really. Everyone just stays indoors for the entire time that he's here. Just keep the streets a bit 28 days later and quiet they tried that on my last tour

but here I am still going yeah well there's another a bloke who did get through was a was a paraglider is that what they call them

yeah and he got through in Scotland and he flew over the golf course with a thing that I think he said um Trump well below par. Yeah.

Come on. Yeah. I was thinking I'm going to have to step into the Trump campaign. Oh, I thought you were saying, of all things, don't insult a man's golf. No! I couldn't care less about insulting a man. Yeah, I didn't really think that. Imagine Frank playing golf.

I would love it. I would love it if you did that. that but I mean a sort of it's not I know yeah well below par it's sort of

you know well below not that good I think it's a bit yeah look I'm not trying to give I'm not

I haven't been brought in as a consultant on the anti-Trump campaign but they need a comic. There's plenty of comics about a big lad at the work. Yeah. Yeah, true. Yeah, they should have got some writers in.

There's plenty of comics with rubbish Donald Trump stuff that are cluttering up the circuit. Can't ever go with Donald Trump. Doesn't like it. He doesn't like it. He loves him. I'm not a Donald Trump apologist. He loves him.

Not an apologist. Nobody puts trumple stiltskin in Alan's corner. What was our other insight into Alan's life? I've been singing the National Anthem all week. If we put the pieces of this jigsaw together... I've changed. Yeah? Martial arts.

Whoa. Can I say he's dressed top to toe in camouflage gear? Always. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

How tempted was Donald Trump to have Air Force One shoot down the blimp? There must have been an incident there. Surely that would have been an incident. Quite the incident. He's not bothered by incidents. He doesn't seem to be. Did you see the press conference at Chequers yesterday? I did.

It had this feeling of a sort of Disney movie press conference. Do you know what I mean? If you had the sort of world leaders in a Disney movie. It felt slightly unreal. I have to say, I've always felt that Donald Trump is an intrinsically comic figure, you know. We've made sport

of him on this show, but I don't really want him in our garden, if you know what I mean. I'm sort of easier with him when he's somewhere else, but I got a bit... It used to be a thing that people used to shout at us when we were kids in the West Midlands, he's get off down your own end if he's

kicking a ball about and I sort of felt that a bit but I did I felt, I'll be straight Theresa May having to be nice to him because we were having to trade, we were a bit short of money. So we've got to be nice to him.

I know. Oh, that was painful. I know. I do know what it reminded me of, film-wise. Go on. Not a Disney franchise at the time, but it is now. Do you remember when Jabba the Hoth took Princess Leia as prisoner in that metal bikini with a chain round her neck?

It was a bit like that. That is a great analogy. That is what it was. It is. I so felt for her, because she's got to be... I know. She's got to be...

That was funny. I'd rather let the people starve if I was Prime Minister. But that's probably why I'm not Prime Minister. Yes, I think you probably would. We're not all cut out for it, are we? Can we have a phone vote? If we've had a phone vote, would you rather have England... Twitter poll we can do.

England win the World Cup or Theresa May have turned round mid-press conference and just said, Oh, I hate you. We can do that as a Twitter poll. Let's do it. What would people rather have? Okay, let's see. I would have, you know what? Whatever had happened to her, she could have stayed at our house.

I'd have put her off rent free. Ambassador, you're spoiling her. I just think, wow. If someone said, I know all about the economic implications and all that, but sometimes you've just got to tell people when you hate them. Yeah. Oh, man.

He said at one point, I would give our relationship, in terms of grade, the highest level of special. And then I think he went even higher in true Trump fashion. Even higher than that. The next time I'm in a restaurant and the waiter comes over and reads the specials, I'm going to say,

what would you say was the highest level of special of those? See if they pick it up. 2-1-1 has texted, haven't we already played the ultimate British joke on Trump by making him land at Stansted? Yeah. That's a great point. He doesn't even know. He doesn't know.

Oh man. It's the most tremendous he probably thinks it's the most tremendous one in the world. Is it Melania or Melania? Melania. Okay, you say potato. When him and Melania I Melania? Melania. Okay. You said potato. When him and Melania, I mean, me and my partner differ on this. I think she's a beautiful woman, Melania.

When she arrived, I don't know about, I wasn't happy really about him coming, but when I saw them arrive together, I always love an opportunity, and I do it in the street or whatever, to say, he did well. It's such a satisfying thing, because it's sort of shooting the bloke to pieces.

It's also having a slight dig at the woman. So you're killing two birds with one stone, really. And I think it's a classic he done well thing. Who knows why? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. classic he done well thing who knows why skinner dean and cochran together the frank skinner show absolute right yes we were talking earlier about uh we were things that people narrowly missed out on yes like um like the red arrowsrows, for example. Or Rationing was one of mine.

Yeah, was it? Oh, yeah. He missed out on that. But you're not one of the powdered egg children. No. Rationing actually went on after the war, didn't it?

Carried on for a while. Yeah. Have you still got powdered egg? I've never had powdered egg, I must say. No. Okay. Can you still get it?

8, 12, 15. This is exactly the sort of stuff that people tell us. If you can, I will try it. Yeah, well, if you can get it? 8, 12, 15. This is exactly the sort of stuff that people tell us. If you can, I will try it. Yeah, well, if you can get it,

let's have it next week, powdered egg. Oh, lovely start to the day. I'll see if I can... Always got one eye on the show budget, hasn't he? Yeah.

I'll see if I can develop trench foot and I'll tell you what that's like. Frank, I'll tell you what I still haven't tried yet. My battered samoy. Oh, you didn't get one.

I'm really sorry, but the World... I know, but the World Cup took battered Savoy. Oh, you didn't get one. I'm really sorry. I know, but the World Cup took over my life. You wouldn't know what that's like, Frank. I think you'll find the World Cup didn't stop a lot of people from having a battered Savoy. The two go happily hand in hand. Good point. Good point.

Well made. Anyway, I'm going to try one of those. Oh, God, I had an email last night. Big wow. I don't know if I'm supposed to announce it. 1982? Maybe it's supposed to be secret. I don't know if I'm supposed to announce it. 1982. Maybe it's supposed to be secret.

Well, then you had an email. Well, come on, tell us. Oh, you've got to tell us. Oh, hang on. You've not got some money that you just have to email somebody

in another country, have you? Is it that? Is it a crown prince? Have I mentioned to you guys that I was involved in a road accident?

Because I don't remember it, but it turns out I'm entitled. No, I had an email. I'm probably, I don't know if I'm supposed to say this or not, but when has that bothered anyone on this show? Yeah, exactly. So I'll read it to you. Go on.

Oh my God. Oh, I mean, I mean, getting number one was amazing, but then I got this and I thought, well... Heavens to Betsy. Here we go. Hi, Frank. Domino Pizza would like to offer you...

LAUGHTER ..offer you free pizza, drink and sides for a year. Shut up. Come on! LAUGHTER Come on! Oh... Well... Are you having it? Are you interested, yes or no?

I mean, I've never been so quick on the phone. Are you interested? Am I interested? Sides. Sides is the one. It's not going to match your regime, though, is it? No, but I can work round it. I can get fat for a year.

Yeah, but Frank, are they going to have your picture up in the shops now? No, it says no obligations, just free pizza. You don't even have to read it out on the radio tomorrow. What's in it for them? That's a thought actually. No, but I did. I wanted to tell you about it.

It's amazing. Maybe they'll do. You know like by royal appointment, for you and David, start getting little three lions. I don't think David's got it. He got pizza land. He's not going to have to come round to yours

for a slice of yours. That would be depressing. Get him a side. Get him a side. What is a side? What do you have as a side? Oh, I know. Chunky wedges. Salads, potato skins, that sort of stuff. That him a side. What is a side? What do you have as a side? Oh, I know. Chunky wedges.

Salads, potato skins, that sort of stuff. That's a save-a-lie? I don't think that's a side. Then you could wrap it in the pizza. Amazing. Look, David and I have got the Domino's call. Well, that's how it works, isn't it? When one Domino goes over.

Oh, yeah. They all go, and then the next. That has gone right up our road. They've all got it. Oh, anyway, it was an exciting moment in my life. Obviously, it'll be even more exciting if David hasn't got it.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Unsurprisingly, I have received a text from David Baddiel. I got it, I think you made your announcement at 10.29, his text came through at 10.30. He says, I've so got a Domino's ODE, he calls it.

Yes, actually now I've scrolled down on the email. I never got past the three sides. But yes, it says that we've both got it. ODE is the Order of the Domino's Empire. Yes. But fair play, it says. Not an official partnership, no contractual obligation to promote Domino's in any way.

Yeah. I know we're talking about it, but even so. He says, as it's called an ODE, Order of the Domino's Empire, I wondered about turning it down on political grounds as unfair to Pizza Hut. Ah.

Yeah. There you go. So I knew he'd have one. No, well, I'm, obviously, I mean, I'll be honest, it's a bigger risk for him.

Why? Yeah, I think, I think he's more inclined to. To what? To go for pizza. To get I think he's more inclined to... To what? To go for pizza. To get bigger than I am. I'm just saying. I'm worried about him. He's very trim these days. No one is listening as well.

David, I do apologise. No, he isn't. I'm not saying he is fat but I'm saying I just think it's a bigger risk. I think he... I've seen him eat pizza and it's fero risk. I think, you know, I've seen him eat pizza and it's, you know, it's ferocious. Right. We can always paint him as the baby version of Trump. Oh, heavens.

Anyway, it's splendid news. So, yes, we're not official ambassadors, which is a good thing. You've not got the three lions crest on it. We're not going to go around just saying they're marvellous. That would is a good thing. You've not got the three lions crest on it. We're not going to go around just saying they're marvellous. That would be a big ask. See, I've already plugged another pizza.

I can't remember what jogged your memory to it. What would it be? Knock spots off the opposition? That's what they should have as their thing dominoes. I think ask might have closed down. Ask has closed down. I'm joking. Possibly.

Can we just have a section on the show? Let's put it this way. Why do I care? I've got the old double sick sitting at my side. Can we ever use it? Just if I fancy. Do they do desserts? Anyway, we'll talk about this afterwards. I'll let you know this I'll let you know

I'll let you know the full menu thanks that's really kind of you don't worry about that where are we what were we doing where are we

our poll's going well by the way we were trying to discuss missing out on things we have actually put up an internet what's it called

Twitter Twitter poll which is would you rather England had won the World Cup or that Theresa May put up an internet, what's it called? Twitter. Yeah, Twitter poll. Which is, would you rather England had won the World Cup or that Theresa May had turned around mid-press conference and said, I hate you to Donald Trump.

And we're getting, how many votes we had so far? Oh, thousands. 637. That's not bad because we only put it up minutes ago. I'm a bit genuinely interested to see how that goes. I voted secret ballot. None of your bees worked.

No, I'm not even asking for a second. Okay. I voted for Derek Ezra. For my head. You know, I've had so many... You know when I said I was a kid when... Yeah. The shuttle went over?

1983. 1983. Yeah, yeah. You know when I said Derek Esra gave me my degree and he was head of the coal board, I had doubts after he might have been the gas board. Oh. Well, I'm okay, actually. Which obviously is more glamorous.

I love the attention to detail of this show's corrections. How? I love the fact that we would be kept up at night worrying about all the things you've said on air. I could have Googled it, but ultimately I wasn't bothered. Yeah. But, yeah, I got a feeling that he was the gas board.

What a great person to give you your degree. Derek Ezra. I only had Richard Attenborough. Never mind, dear. What can you do? So, Derek Ezra. I only had Richard Attenborough. It's been a great one. Never mind, dear. What can you do? So Derek Ezra. We had Keith Allen. What about this?

We had Keith Allen. In the loo. Derek Ezra gave me my degree. Yeah. And we knocked George Ezra off the number one spot. Shut up. I mean, that, there must be, we need another Ezra. David Baddiel, son.

I think. Yeah. He could be involved in some way. I can't think of anything. OK, we'll go there. Ezra Pound. I'd do a degree in... He was a bit dodgy.

He had his bad days. It's true. Ezra Pound, late review. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. On the subject of missing out, we should probably discuss the, I'm going to call it the Build-A-Bear fiasco.

Oh. In a tabloid way. Were there absolute scenes? I mean, you know I love a bargain, guys. You know I love a bargain. It's true. What I don't love is a missed out on bargain because the company retracts it.

If you don't know about this, essentially... Were you aware of Build-A-Bear before this? Only from people talking about it. I've never been... I mean, it's 50 quid. Excuse me, I was. It's 50 quid. I'm not going.

I was aware just because it's quite aid excuse me I was it's 50 quid I'm not going I was aware just because it's quite a big thing in New York and when I've been there with various godchildren yeah they've loved a Build-A-Bear

so you go in and you cost you say I want those eyes and yeah that yeah it's a bit like being

a love island like I'm dirty choosing all your body parts before you go on the show it's kind of what I imagine human reproduction will be like in about ten years' time. Oh, yeah, just scrolling through menus.

So, you see, you build your perfect bear. Yeah. That's the deal. And then it's about 50 quid normally. It's a good title, Build-A-Bear, then, in that case. Yeah. I thought it was a Build-A-Bear. You know, so like it's a bear in a hard hat

and donguerries the spanner hanging from the waistband but the mistake they made was they started a pay your age kind of promotion so someone who's five

that was getting a bit steep for me that one yeah exactly what about if I went in there his prices are excruciating so someone who's five That was getting a bit steep for me that one Yeah exactly What about if I went in there? His prices are excruciating Yeah For certain members of the community it's a really bad deal Too overpriced

How much for a bear? Yeah No but it was madness As you say most people who for a bear? Yeah. No, but it was madness. As you say, most people who want a bear are quite low down the score of their age. You know, like five. So you're going to pretend that the four-year-old wants the bear instead of the late-developing 18-year-old.

I'd go a stage further if I had a four-year-old, I'd be saying to them on the way in the car, you're three, you're three today, okay? Yeah, there'll be a bit of that going on. Daddy keeps that pound. Yeah, so... Queues were a mile long outside the shop. They're always a mile long, aren't they?

Yeah, you're right. They should have been more specific and then we might have believed it more. Can I say as well, I don't think it's the best way to measure a queue. I mean, I don't know if someone... Oh, you think there should be the... Kilometers. Personnel. I think we want to know how best way to measure a queue. I mean, I don't know if someone... Oh, well, you think there should be the... Kilometers.

Personnel. I think we want to know how many people are in the queue. The truth is... Okay. A queue a mile long is not... You know, in the age of the national obesity crisis, it's not what it used to be. That could be half as many people.

What about time? They've said it's a five-hour queue. Oh, that's different. That gives you a, that's a good idea. But again, they can be sluggish. Yeah, slugs are really slow queuers. Yeah, so does someone literally walk with a yardstick along

the queue? Measuring how long it is. That would be a good job. But I can believe it was a long queue because the truth is you could go and get a teddy bear for like five or six quid. Not in your case. Not that I couldn't, but I'd send boss in.

But a customised bear, it was an absolute bargain. Has it finished the company altogether? Well, it might be one of those. They had to cancel the offer in a sort of Hoover-style fiasco. Well, quite. I think it was what they call a loss leader in the trade. Well, yeah, loss of face leader. I think people who didn't get the beer got a 12-quid voucher as well.

Is that right? Yeah, I think that's what happened. That was their compensation. It's not the same. It's not the beer you promised me. No. Okay. Okay, don't send me a Build-A-Bear, not the same. It's not the bear you promised me. No. Okay.

Okay, Build-A-Bear. Don't send me a Build-A-Bear. I'm rubbish. Not that it's rubbish, but for me, I don't want it. Boz wouldn't want a bear now. You thought it was a construction work. The people that are angry about not getting their bargain, they should all form together and create a campaign to try and get their discount

and they could call themselves the Build bear group well why don't why why don't they put together why don't they start a craft group and just make these things buy big pieces of fabric because it's not 1978 maybe god you're such a hippie when you're number one for the rest of your life they have an urge You're getting free pizza for the rest of your life. Hippie. They have an urge for customised... Why don't we all do some crafting? I think that'd be lovely. We're all arts and crafts, let's face it.

Yeah. I don't know why you're condemning it, but that's sneering. I like Trump. God damn the Queen. Who's going to fight me next, kind of a way. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were discussing the Build-A-Bear fiasco. Yeah. And I feel like those parents, rather than being indignant about it, they ought to be thanking the Build-A-Bear group for allowing them to give their children a lesson

in expectation not always being fulfilled and that life fundamentally is disappointing. Yeah. I'm surprised that isn't sort of regularly fitted into the Build-A-Bear philosophy. Yeah. Because what Build-A-Bear is suggesting that you can have

exactly what you want in life i.e because you know when you buy a teddy bear you know you don't you never like everything about the teddy bear you've got there's things like you know i don't like the way they do the the mouth sometimes with the two you know the two curly bits coming off like that yeah yeah i think there's different ways of doing the mouth, and sometimes the paws are a bit pointy on the hand. And the legs are a bit U-shaped, a bit magnet. All that, but these, you know, it's a good thing. I think probably a lot of these parents agree with me that...

Anyway, listen, I've got... Oh, you're not interested in that. No, go on. Sorry, I was just... I'm interested in the incoming... No, I was doing that thing that they do on the general election when they say, Stop there.

We've just got the Newbury results coming. I'm going to go now to... I'm going to stand in a hall with a baseball court marked on the floor next to a bloke dressed as a gorilla and I'm going to announce. So we had a vote. Would you rather England won the World Cup

or that Prime Minister May had turned round to Trump mid-press conference yesterday and said, I hate you. And we had just over 1,500 votes in half an hour, which I've never been involved in a Twitter poll in my life, but it sounds all right. I once did a May poll thing when I don't know. I've never been involved in a Twitter poll in my life, but it sounds alright. I once did a May poll thing when I was about

nine. It was different. Well, this was a May poll. It was just different. It was a May poll. Oh, it was a May poll. Of course. Fabulous. And a Trump poll of the daily. So,

stay out of my Trump poll. Can you say it? No. So, what do you think the results. Can you say it? No. Okay, let's read the results. So, what do you think the results? Who do you think won, Alan? I think people would rather England won the World Cup. What do you think? I'm going to go in the opposite direction.

Yeah, I've heard that. Contrarian. I'm going to go contrarian. Well, I'll tell you, 40% of the people who voted wanted Theresa May to turn to Trump and say I hate you but a big six-o would rather have England win the World Cup. I think it's a healthy result.

Healthy. It shows people who love football got involved in the whole thing but they haven't lost sense of more important issues. But ultimately they voted positively, not negatively. So thank you so much for listening this morning. Thanks for voting in our internet thing. And if the good Lord spares us,

and it is the internet, still colder. Capital I, apparently. Who knew? And if the good Lord spares us and the cricks don't rise, we'll be back again this time. Time next. Donald Duck has taken over. All the Donalds this morning.

Oh, look, I love you. Now get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio