The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Medieval Armour Trousers

Episode Date: October 8, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Zoe 'The Lion' Lyons and The Cockerel. Frank is impressed by people's activities in the park and got told off at the circus. The team discuss UKIP, auditions and armoured 'suits'.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This morning I'm with Zoe Lyons. Morning. And Alan Cochran. Don't know if I should have done them in that order. Wouldn't you have got the lion roar? Poor old cockle.

Terrified. Anyway, we are live on air on Saturday morning. You can text the show on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've also got Skitterwit. We're on Skitterwit at the moment, if you want to send us any videos.

We're on Lampwick. You can get us. That's the only one I use now. Yeah. You can get us on Chatterchomp. And on Talk Chalk. We're on all of those, so feel free. What's our Talk Chalk avatar? I think it's zip code 17. Yeah.

So you can get us on zip code 17 on Chalk Talk and then you can send in your aneurysms. Chalk Talk probably is a thing, though, isn't it? That is probably a thing. That is a thing. But it's a teacher's one. Teacher's forum somewhere. Yeah, that'll be a teacher's forum. Chalk Talk.

If it is, then it will be now. You know what? We'll get loads of texts saying, we don't use chalk anymore because we're using the board. Yeah, teachers do not talk like that. They do. They'll be more reprimanding. I think you'll find that we don't use chalk anymore

if you've actually been in a classroom in the last 40 years. You're right. I think I used my nerd voice when I wanted to use my teacher voice. Yes, I mean, come on, get your voices right. I don't get so much acting. You've been all over the place this morning. We had a slight crisis with Mr Cochran. Did we?

Well, I walked in and I thought, his head is very flat. Oh! It was like being in the Netherlands when I walked in and I looked at his head. A Dutch landscape. It was, being in the Netherlands when I walked in and I laughed at his head. A Dutch landscape. It was, it was so flat and I thought well maybe that's what he's going for. I don't know what they're doing in the martial arts world, I'm out of touch. No, no, it was just a…

And then as we walked, as we walked to the studio we passed a studio, another studio window and I heard that moment when he said, oh! Steve laughs And he'd seen his reflection and now you've gelled. Well, I've put a little product in, yeah. I love you for that. But it's partly for comfort reasons as well. You know, once you've seen it and you know it's all floppy, you think, oh, I need to fix this.

I just love that you have that because I think people could listen to this and think you're just some violent skin flint if they listen to the basic. I loved their stuff, the violent skin flints. They listen to the basic i loved their stuff the violent skin flints they were good early early but this morning i i was uh flicking through um one of the daily i think it was the mirror i was looking at and there was an ad you know you get those adverts in the uh in the mirror for things you can buy like i once bought the i was bought as a gift actually so you may not know this by the radio team I was bought a John Wayne cuckoo clock

very nice no home is complete without a John Wayne cuckoo clock you know things like the magic of Nicaragua and it's a scene on a plate so it was and it was a watch commemorating the red arrows and

and I said to Alan, I might get that for John Coleshaw, because I went to John Coleshaw's flat and he had a signed photo of the Red Arrows on the wall. Wow. Not something you see every day. No, not easy to do at 10,000 feet either. Not many things are. No, yeah.

But anyway, Alan said to me, is it £29.99? I don't know how they make a profit. True though. It's lovely. That watch must be £28.99 just in parts. But most people looked at it. If they asked any questions it would be

how do they make that red, white and blue stuff come out? Yeah. Not that I'm suggesting the red arrows are making a profit out. Like that. Yeah. Oh, dear. Not that I'm suggesting the red arrows are making a profit out of the watches. The idea that they were churning them out. We don't want a kerfuffle starting about the red arrows. Made out of old fuselage. No.

That's a good word, isn't it? Yeah. I do like an advert in a magazine, though. I've started to enjoy those Sunday supplement magazines where you can get various garden implements. You know you've reached a certain age where you do look at your knee pads, you go, oh yeah, that'd be quite lovely. I walked around a garden centre not

too long ago looking for knee pads and couldn't get... Couldn't get any? There was a thing that you could put on the floor and kneel on, but I want ones that follow, come with me. Attachable ones. You know one I want ones that follow, come with me. I want to look like... Attachable ones. You know one of those ones that Mick Jagger used to wear in the 80s with sort of white tights and he'd wear like knee pads?

Yeah, like a badly dressed cricket player. You've put them on the wrong way and you just... I tell you what, he looked like if an old-timer from Wild Westing, you know they often saw them in their long johns, those old-timers. You know, it sure is early in the morning for me, sure, if those guys... If one of those guys was doing a bit of gardening

and got some knee pads on, that's what Mick Jack... I think he was looking for a gardening Wild West old-timer look. I read that in his autobiography. It's out there somewhere. Yeah, but he drew the line at the beard. It's a different world, the world of the Rolling Stones. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sorry, I've just...

At that moment, when you have a choky thing, you don't know quite what it is. It's a cough, Frank. I think it's more than that. Luckily, I have a Victorian jar of Parma Violets at my right hand. Oh, yeah. That was sent in by Sam Coldicott. No, Sam Lidicott.

Are you going to Lidicott Fair? No. Not going this year. I'm not going this year. I'm actually gigging there. Double booked. Lidicote Fair. Nice. I'm doing 45 minutes.

I'm doing the early Saturday. Oh, nice. I'm closing the Sunday. I'm on before Steve Hillidge band. Nice. Yeah. So thanks, Sam. I have a feeling it's a name that rings. Does it ring any bells for you, Sam. I haven't seen... It's a name that rings...

Does it ring any bells for you, Sam Liddicat? No. No. OK. Are you a fan of the Palmer Violets? Oh, yes. I think they're the queen of the... No.

No? No, it's like eating a flower. I think as you get older, anything a bit lavender-y... No, it's... lavendery is revealing. No. That's what's drawing me in. Nothing a bit lavendery. I say that Sam, I don't know if Sam is a man or a lady.

Good point. Oh, you can't sing that anymore, I've been told. Oh, really? No, that's gone. Another one of the old ways. He also, he, she, let's say she, he, Zoe's here, jumping on me, sent me a Doctor Who notebook. And as you know, two of my great loves are Doctor Who and notebooks.

Every time I get a notebook, I think, this is where I will write my masterpiece, in this notebook. Yeah. Stick around. And some Doctor my masterpiece. In this notebook. Yeah. Stick around. And some Doctor Who socks. Oh, nice. Bit of a result for you, isn't it? As people who work in offices say, what's not to like?

They do. Yeah. The office joke. You know the office joker who thinks I'm going to make my language a bit more picturesque? Sort of thing he might say. It's not just you getting gifts. I got a gift today. I got sent a

potato baking device, Frank. Is it an oven? No. It's basically like four metal spikes on a handle. Oh yeah, I used to have one of those back in the day. Back when you were on the potatoes?

Yeah, so you can wind yourself off. So it's like four upward facing spikes and you can't put a spud on each. Yeah. You don't have to, can I say, you don't have to occupy them all. Oh, I do. Don't think you have to do four at a time. I've got a heck of an appetite, so I'll have a go at it.

You could put maybe an apple on the fourth dessert. Oh, pudding. That's a great idea. I don't know what the timing differences would be. No, that would be difficult to sort of coordinate that. Coordinate? great idea. I don't know what the timing sort of differences would be. No, that would be difficult to sort of coordinate that. Coordinate? Coordinate. I don't have the patience

for a baked potato anymore. I do a new potato, but bake them. They're like little, tiny little new... Baked new potatoes? Baked tiny little new potatoes. And then pretend you're a giant.

That's just... That's just... Great fun. I use walnuts in my doll's house. Do you? For roast chicken. Do you?

Yeah. You see, I always thought I would use... I had a conversation with my mother about this the other day. We were eating walnuts. I said to her, if I ever had a Barbie doll for some reason, I'd use a walnut and pretend she was doing a frontal lobotomy and it was sort of brain... Oh, it's a brain.

You went brain, did you? No, I went... I thought you was going to use a roast chicken for... For Barbie. Barbie, but I mean, they're always great on a Barbie. But I think it's not quite big enough for a Barbie. It's probably just about the right size for a Barbie brain. Barbie brain.

A walnut. Yeah. Barbie. How's it going with Barbie now in the... I'm not entirely sure. In the feminist community. She's it going with Barbie now in the feminist community? She's been modified, hasn't she? Has she? Yeah.

Aren't there all different shapes of Barbie now you can get? Can you get fat Barbie? I think you can get the larger Barbie. That's tremendous news. I'd love to see fat Barbie. This is a pear-shaped Barbie. Yeah. You can.

Can you get Barbie with elephantitis? With large ankles. Yeah, we're on the road, but we're not quite there yet, guys. Can you get Barbie with elephantitis? With large ankles. Yeah, we're on the road, but we're not quite there yet, guys. Yeah, I had no idea that was true of Barbie. Yes, I think it's Barbie. Barbie with the fuller figure. Mm-hmm, yeah. This is the future.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. I tell you what, I walk through the park often on a morning. I've been working at a regular place just lately, which is an unusual thing for me, but I know I actually go to offices. You go to work. I go to work.

I sort of properly go to work. What are you doing i'm writing stuff but i write in a room in an offices which is um uh it's lovely i like the regularity of it for two weeks so i've seen um you know when you go through the park and you see people doing the old tai chi and all that stuff? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm always blown away by that. In case you don't know... They're not.

If you live in... No. They're very strong. If you're living in the regions, I don't know what I'm talking about. Because I don't know, when I lived in Albury in the West Midlands, if someone had gone into the local park and started doing Tai Chi, there was a standard method that they used by me. They'd throw a

bucket of water over you. That was it. Right. Amorous dogs. They'd throw a bucket of water. Fighting dogs. A bucket of water. I remember there was a guy who used to sing a lot in the street. I think he had his problems.

Yeah. But he used to go around singing. I don't know, do you still get singers or have... What, in parks? I think that's on the way out. Just people who just sing in the street loudly. I haven't heard it for years. I don't mean he was drunk. I mean, that was his thing.

That was his thing, just... Yeah, there's a guy who lives near me who likes to sing along to... He's headphones and then just sings along. I think this guy, as I say, I think he had complications. Yes. But he was liked locally and had a lovely voice. He used to sing Rags to Riches, I remember.

Do you know that old... You know I'll go from rags to riches. He was like that. And someone come out of the butchers and threw a bucket of water over him. Locally. Locally. Wet rags to riches. I think it was the beginning of the rise

of a sort of alternative society where I lived. Because there were some people who thought, no, that's just wrong. I know he's a bit of a nuisance, you know, but he's a harmless sort of friendly chap and got quite a nice voice. Yeah. All he needed was to extend his repertoire.

Right, yeah, different song. Just one more. I see a lot of Tai Chi activity where I live because I'm living in Brighton. If you're in a park and you're not doing Tai Chi somebody will throw a bottle of water over you. That's what happens. A plastic bottle of water, of course.

Filtrated. Filtrated water will be thrown upon you if you're not moving with the times well i was walking through the park and i saw a woman um doing what i thought was a stretching thing and she had there was like a a bin but it was it was at sort of chest level and she had a foot on that right and it looked from a distance it looked right remarkable and when i got closer because she didn't seem to be in like running gear or anything when i got closer she was tying a shoelace brilliant excellent Brilliant Excellent I thought this was like Stunt Lice tying It was absolutely When yogis do their shoes up Yeah exactly

You never think of yogis having shoelaces It's always that they're barefoot Slip-ons I suppose when they do their nails Yeah Do they do their nails? No I suppose if you're sitting cross-legged

They're there You just do them there They probably just chew them down Don't they? Yeah well they kind of? They have that option. But I was, it was amazing. Excellent. And it was like, I thought, what would be

my upper height if I was going to tie a shoelace? I like to test myself with this. The hamstring stretch. I'll try and go high if I'm trying to lift shoelace just to see if I can... See what you can do. But one day will come the crunch day

when I can't actually get my leg back down. That moment would be terrible. They'll have to phone the fire brigade or something. But I'm thinking... I mean, if I was in an area of flatland, I'm thinking of Alan's head when he came in. And there was only one high thing. How high could I actually do it without doing, you know, Dimash?

You'd be able to go hip height, I reckon. I'll tell you this, women, I bet she was at four feet. Good for her. And not even looking terribly extended, very casually tiny. Not perspiring heavily. No, no. There's a possibility she'd taken the time out for a double knot unbelievable if you're listening um mazel tov

we've been hearing from the outside world by the way um we've had some jokes from ian angel angle angel zoe it sounds like there's a lot of peer pressure to keep up with the times in Brighton. Good. That's very good. Actually, two peers. Well, one and a half, really. Well, yeah, I still think of the crumbling Victorian one as a peer. And slightly earlier than that, he said,

if you put Barbie too near the Barbie, she'll end up as Cinders. Oh, yeah, as a reference to Cindy. Yeah. And also a hint of Cinderella in there. I suppose so. I think it was more the Cindy. Yeah, well, but I think he often... We don't need to workshop this job.

His ponds often have secondary echoes. Work on many levels. I think he hits one nail on the head, but then lots of other nails ring. That's nice. Yeah. That's nice. We had a man in our village, Crazy Chris.

It was said he has religious mania. He used to go into the local supermarket and bless the shop assistants. He also stopped buses and blessed them. Brilliant. I hope he stopped that one that says there probably isn't a God, just enjoy life. That would have been... Yeah, I don't think we should ever... No.

...local people with mental problems texting. No, I didn't mean to start that. No. I mean, I'm sure it would have its tenderness. Yeah, it would have its ups and downs. But I'm just uneasy about it. That's as simple as that. Gordon in St Albans has texted,

I know you love a bit of pedantry, which we do. We're aware of that, aren't we? I've loved a bit of peasantry in my life. I know you love a bit of pedantry. So at the're aware of that i've loved a bit of peasantry in my life i know i know you love a bit of pedantry so at the end of the show you say if the creeks don't rise etc we'll be back at this time next week you should say we'll be back at eight o'clock next week just thought i would point it out sorry that's true of course because i say it at the end of the show say 11 yeah the trouble is with saying that is we are, here's the technical, we are syndicated on what we call the decade stations, absolutely. So we go out on 80s and 90s and all that an hour later.

So if I said we'd be back at 8 o'clock next week, then the people listening to the 80s one would be saying, Oh, man. That'd be the ones, 60s, would be We'll be saying, oh, man. That'll be the one, 60s. We'll be 60s. Yeah. Oh, man. I didn't realise it was on that early. Oh, wow.

It'll be like that. I don't know. How did 80s people speak? Um. Oh. Oh. What did you do? They had that kind of voice.

That's it. And all the singers sang like that. They were all a little Bye bye, what do you my girlfriend? Yes. Where have you been my what have you been my

Was that Rock's music? That was Brian Ferry covering Hard Round's Gonna Fall on his solo covers album. I totally got that, I was thoroughly enjoying that very good that was it so anyway

oh here's the thing, are you aware of my Jingle? No it's when I talk about things that you used to see a lot and you don't see any more. Right. So as we were in the park talking about things that one sees in the park,

I would say... The litter pin sticks. Oh, yeah. People used to collect litter. They used to have a pin on the end. Like a spear. Yeah, and they used to have a pin on the end. Like a spear? Yeah, and they used to pin it and then pick it up. But when I see your road sweeper

men now, there's no pinning. You can't have a javelin in a park now, that's health and safety. That's come under the health, it's now a dustpan and brush. It was often a stick with just a little nail in the end. You couldn't have that in a park? No. That's essentially a spear. That's spearing litter. And the potential for disaster is huge with that spear that's spearing litter and the potential for

disaster is huge with that when you're spearing litter again all the old ways yeah i suppose if you've got people tying their shoelace with their feet four feet from the ground and a pointy stick the temptations to go prodding at the extended thigh muscles we've all you know we've all walked past the stretch thigh muscle haven't we with, you know, we've all walked past a stretched thigh muscle, haven't we, with a sharp implement and thought, well, I wonder if that would just snap like a lousy band. Fight that. That's my advice. Shall we set a text in? Let's have a text in.

We were talking about one this morning. Which celebrity couple do you mourn the most? I don't mean because they've died, I mean because they've split up. I mean, if it was because... For me, it would be Billy Wright and Joy Beverley. But we have younger listeners.

I realise that. Frank Skinner on the radio. Celebrity couples that we mourn. Ah, yes. Jeff Owen has tweeted in to say Lempick Opik and Cheeky Girl. That's the day that love died for me. Yes.

I think it's a bit insensitive not to specify which Cheeky. Which Cheeky? It was the one on the right. It was Gabriella. Was it? Yes, it was. I've worked with the Cheeky Girls. Frank's worked with them all. That's definitely part of this show. Very nice.

They were a beautiful couple. They were. And he was all right as well. I can't believe that's a joke from the 1970s. I can. That was. You know, we've all done the, he did well. When a people walk past.

When you saw Lambit and Gabriella. Yeah. He had done well. He had, yeah. Lime, he'd done well. Yes. Yeah, so, you know, that didn't last. I remember their mother, Margit, saying,

they talk about all sorts of things. They were talking about astronomy the other day. Is that what you said? And I thought, I know what they were talking about, because Lembit Opik has a theory that an enormous meteor is heading towards the Earth and will kill us all. Does he?

Yeah. So, not astronomy in general, but... Is it based on anything or just...? I think he spotted it one night. No. The old rear-view mirror. Where he'll be laughing on the other side of his face if... Yes, indeed.

If it comes to fruition yeah but you're right that was did i ever tell you about when i said i was driving over lambeth bridge have i told you this how yes i should i should i tell it again or not yeah definitely i was i was driving over lambeth bridge obviously you can tell what's coming i saw a man on a segway in the days when Segways were barely existed and I thought could anything be

make you less cool than being on a Segway and when he got closer it was a little bit opic Ha ha ha Ha ha ha Ha ha ha

Haunting Romanian babes Ha ha ha Ha ha ha That's what he said on his t-shirt Ha ha ha Ha ha ha

And he got one Frank and the team are live on the radio every Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on Absolute Radio across the UK on Digital Radio and 12.15am. We've also had an email that I'm keen for more information.

Let's see what you guys think. Good morning, Alan, Emily and Frank. Sorry about that, Zoe, but that's just what it says take on the role today i travel to birmingham i like the start of this email today i travel to birmingham however i am a designated driver and have a three-hour window for staying sober and exploring birmingham on my own whilst the others enjoy a night out i'm hoping frank may have some tips to keep me occupied for the evening. Alan's advice would also be of great service as I'd like to keep things to a budget. Long time reader, first time writer. For the evening?

For the evening. This is where I'm puzzling. Oh, that's the trouble, yeah, because anywhere you go in Birmingham in the evening, you're going to have to spend some money, I would have thought. Yeah, and also you're going to have to avoid the people drinking that you're a... Yes. You may as well go with them if you were going to have a night out. Yes. It's not like you can go to a gallery or a museum.

I would say get to about 11 o'clock. It's worth parking up the car somewhere near Broad Street and just watching people. That's fairly fascinating. It's a beautiful place. When I first started doing comedy, there was lots of jokes about Birmingham. You know, it got bombed, a nuclear bomb, and did eight quid's worth

of damage. All those jokes. Oh, yeah. And people don't say that anymore now, because when you go there, it's actually... I had no idea how nice the canal area of Birmingham... It's like a stroll round your Birmingham canals. Very nice. Yes, it's lovely. You can stroll around your Birmingham canals. Very nice.

Yes, it's lovely. I think you should do that. You can walk around the canals in the pitch darkness with panting drunks. Take a torch. I'd just go to the pictures if I was you. Go to the pictures, or you could act like a proper driver

and just read Bravo 2-0 in the car until they're finished. I've found that drivers in London, if they have a waiting time, they like a true crime, sort of mad Frankie Fraser autobiography. Sounds good. Don't know if I'm recommending that. Let us know how it goes.

I went to the circus. Did you? This week. And what do you think about this? I was applauding, and my partner, Kath, who was obviously sitting next to me, said, can you sort of clap with your fingers a bit more? It's hurting my ears.

What were you using to clap in the first place? I was clapping like this. Slapping your thighs together. I was clapping like this. That's a proper clap. And she said, the trouble is, she said that,

you know, it's got a sort of a crack to it. Yeah. Whereas, you clap like that. It's a bit more trebly. That's not going to reach

the performer, is it? No, I said that. I said, I'm not clapping. She said, it's actually hurting my ears. And I found myself having to slightly...

This is what happens when... Move around the hand to see whether there was a nice compromise. Yeah, feather the tap. If ever you want to consider the power balance in our relationship, just imagine that moment when I switched to just clapping almost with my fingers. You don't want to make clowns angry at the moment. You want to give them a full applaud. There's a lot of scary clowns running around. There are a lot to make clowns angry at the moment. You want to give them a full applaud.

There's a lot of scary clowns running around. There are a lot of scary clowns. I don't like the sound of that at all. I don't think we should imply that they're from a circus, though. I think these are just, like, civilian clowns, aren't they? This clown, Mr Lorenzo, he was a bit saucy, a bit too saucy at times. Was he? He was funny in his other work,

but there was certainly a section from the 1970s where I thought, ooh. Oh, really? I don't really want our son to learn these sort of attitudes. I thought, it's a circus. Relax. Relax.

Oppressed. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Done with Zoe Lyons. And Alan Cockrell. I like the fact my real name has been changed. Sorry, that was actually a slip of the tongue, but I'm pretending I've done it on purpose.

You can text the show at 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've got some more celebrity morning couples. Not morning couples, celebrity morning couples. Couples who have split up in the morning. I've been part of a few morning couples in my time. Couples that we miss.

Liz Hurley and Shane Warne. Yes, I did miss that in the element of Pygmalion about it, the way she just turned him into a different person. Yeah. That was brilliant. I think we all get a bit influenced by our partners, don't we? Yeah. But, um, he she just rebuilt him.

It was like the bionic man. Your partner certainly affected your clapping. Yeah, certainly. Certainly. I've never felt more constrained on the clapping front. Well, you're wearing gloves now, just in case you got too loud. Which I think is a step too far. The next time, yeah, I think the next time we go to the theatre

or something or anything I might applaud at, I will actually have to wear gloves. Just a silencer. Big, big mountain mittens. It reminded me, I went out with a woman many, many years ago and David Baddiel used to say that he felt the theme tune to our relationship was the sound of her totting. Jane has tweeted in, another celebrity couple that we miss, Madonna and Vanilla Ice.

You see, I'd totally forgotten about that. Yeah, I'd forgotten that. Oh, I could just eat one of those. Yeah. Oh, I had a Magnum last night, but anyway. Which one, white chocolate? No, mint. Chocolate mint. Oh, no. Lightly mint. Top notch. of those yeah oh i had a magnum last night but anyway which one white chocolate mint chocolate oh no like the mint top notch um i don't remember that liaison i think it was very brief yeah i

think it was very very extremely brief it was extremely brief like ice in the sun yeah status quo it might have been that brief that one of them might not have even been aware that it was happening. That sort of brief. Okay. Yeah. It was, it can't have been up there with his liaison with Stan Collymore. No. On the farm. Did you ever see that? No.

Stan Collymore says, right, that's so it did. Come on, it's sorted out. Suddenly it was, it was a Wolverhampton car park. It was terrible. Vanilla Ice had never seen anything like it before. It suddenly found the West Midlands. It was, it was Terry vanilla ice had never seen anything like it before it suddenly found the West Midlands it was it was great well speaking of uh of scrapping we should uh we should do a little political update there's been um there's been a scuffle in Europe um it's one of the most mysterious

it's a very strange story isn't it and I'll tell you one of the problems that I have with this story is that it involves UKIP MEPs. And for that, I've just... The initials are already annoying me, because UKIP MEP... Why can't we do UKIP MEP or UKIP MEPs? That's true. Do you see what I'm saying?

UKIP MEPs. Yeah, UKIP MEPs. It's also, it's a bit weird that there are UKIP MEPs. It is. Very much. I mean, I think their supporters will be delighted to hear that we're fighting in Europe. No, but it's like if I became an Anglican vicar, I feel that my parish priest would be a bit upset about it.

I thought they wouldn't want to dirty their hands in the whole... They're just some naughty kids at school, aren't they? Oh, are they? Yeah, they just throw crayons and various things. And allegedly have altercations. Wow. What I did like... Can we say that...

Is it Stephen Wolfe who went into hospital? Stephen Wolfe is... We should say that he seems to be recovering well, so we're not mocking a man. But I did like that they said that they'd given him a brain scan, but they didn't find anything. That would be true of most UKIPs, you would imagine. Frank Skinner on the radio. We've just received an email about the UKIP scuffle

I thought it was going to be an angry UKIPer saying oh how dare you but actually it's someone whose name I can't see saying did you know the scuffle happened on Stephen Wolfe's birthday I only know as it was mine too perhaps it was just an overexuberant case of the bumps

like they used to do at school. Oh yeah, the bumps. Never used that as a defence, have they? The bumps? Whatever happened to you? Excellent. Do they still do the bumps? I don't know. Health and safety again, you can't do the bumps in a park with a statistic. Also, I think with a national obesity crisis

it's harder and harder. You'd need to get probably some sort of haulage equipment. Yeah, yeah. Maybe do it in assembly, but not in a classroom. Need assistance. There's not enough people. Exactly. We're going to need 300. We need a winch.

Got to do the birthday rolls. That's what we're going to do. You could bounce parts of them individually. Anyway, yeah, I didn't know that. No, it's his birthday. Not a great celebration, is it, to collapse and then end up in a European hospital? No, as a UKIP member,

I'd be a bit edgy about being in a hospital in Strasbourg. Yeah. I mean, that's a classic spit-in-the-food scenario. I must suggest people working in hospitals would never do a thing like that. But a UKIP MEP. Mike Hookham, who has been... Linked with it.

Linked with the... I think just because he's called Hookham. I know, it's brilliant. Yeah, it must be. Hookham and Hookham. He just described it as, he said it wasn't a fight at all, it was just a case of handbags. Yeah, handbags at dawn. Handbags at dawn. Yeah. Just brilliant, isn't it? He said quite wasn't a fight at all, it was just a case of handbags. He said handbags at dawn.

Handbags at dawn. Yeah. Just brilliant, isn't it? He said quite a few. Why do handbags happen at dawn, by the way? Oh, is it indicating the night out has gone late and then that's when the fighting starts? Well, pistols at dawn was the traditional time for duelling.

Ah. So handbags at dawn, I'm assuming, is suggesting a society which no longer is prepared to kill to get over a grudge, but would rather scratch someone with a slightly upturned clasp. Nice. Why was dueling at dawn, I wonder? That's, um... Why would you do it at dawn? Dueling what?

Dueling at dawn. Dueling at dawn? Dueling at dawn. Why would you do it at dawn? You're just reading your address book. I'd have much preferred a du... I'm more of a dusk dueler, I would have thought. Yeah, do you think? Yeah.

The light's not good, though. But at dawn, it's not brilliant. What about a midday duel? I mean, it just seems very antisocial. I suppose they started at dawn to give themselves the whole day for if they were just rubbish at it. They've got the whole day's daylight then. Yeah, that's true.

Whereas if they started at dusk, they're going to just be flailing about in the dark pretty quickly, aren't they? That's the trouble. If you miss the first time, then it is getting dark. Then you've just got to come back the next day. And I don't know if they had day-night games in the dueling. I don't know if they had day-night games. 2020 or something.

Yeah. Floodlit. The white cannonball. Floodlit dueling. Yeah, floodlit. Yeah, exactly. I get a better crowd, because the trouble is a lot of people, they can't make it at dawn.

They're getting ready for work. They've got stuff to do. School run. Yeah. Dueling. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yeah, it's

not much dueling going on now. It's the sort of thing, of course, that you might do, a bit of dueling. Bring it back. Because Farad said this is the sort of thing that happens when men are together. Yeah, the sort of thing that happens between men. I mean, I've been doing this show with you about five years.

We've not scuffled yet, have we? I don't remember any scuffling. You've got slightly stroppy a couple of times. Stroppy at dawn. Stroppy at dawn, that's me. Spaghetti straps at dawn. All he said to him, isn't it that the allegation is that Wolf said to Hookham

Mano il mano Yeah he said I think we should talk about this Outside mano il mano No he said apparently he said mano il mano Oh did he? Which I believe is not correct It should be mano o mano I think Is it Latin?

I think it It sounds Spanish Italian? be Mano, O Mano, I think. Is it Latin? I think it's it sounds Spanish. Italian? It's foreign anyway, which is surprising for you. What's UKIP doing, saying anything that isn't in English? They're so inconsistent.

Do you think that Stephen Wolfe was upset because Hookham had asked him the time? Very good. That took me ages and you gave me a death stare until I got that joke. I think if you look

at someone long enough, they'll get your joke. Either actually get it or they'll find a way of getting round it. That's the thing. It's worked with audiences even. Frank Skinner on the radio. Absolute radio where real music matters.

Well done, you. If we may just step off the UKIP debacle momentarily, we've had a suggestion for you. Use motorcycle jeans for the knee pad issue, Frank. Look good on a Friday night, too. Motorcycle jeans? Yeah. Are they leather jeans?

Well, can you get leather jeans? Well, they're leather trousers. Do you have to be denim to be a jean? There has to be denim to be a jean, I think. I think the biker community would call leathers motorcycle jeans, but you can also get them in, like, a denim, so they look... With those pads? Where they've got knee...

I personally wouldn't use those, because I think they're quite a hard knee covering for if you have an off, as they say. Can you... I think you'd want a softer... I would suggest volleyball pads. You know, knee pads under your trousers. Would you put them straight to the leg?

Volleyball pads? I didn't know such a thing existed. That would just make you look like you had massive knees. Like massive... I'm not wearing those... I'm not wearing those... ...athletic knees, aren't you? I'm not wearing those massively tight hot pants with my name on the back. You're not?

They tend to wear on the volleyball people. Oh, okay. If that's the rule, then that's the rule. I didn't realise that. I was... Can you buy medieval armour as separates? Good question. Could I just buy the trousers? Is that today's texting?

Can you buy medieval armour as separates? If there's any armourers listening, and we get people from all walks of life listening to it. Can I get a pair of medieval armoury style trousers and not have to bother with the top? Because I can't think of any reason for them in the garden. Do you know the weirdest place I've ever seen a suit of armour for sale? It really took me by surprise. It was a shop, it was a shop in a mall in Anchorage, Alaska and they were selling replica medieval stuff from Europe and one of the pieces they were selling

was a full set of armor metal armor they have an interest in that don't they i i know based this on i recently i do a show on um on bbc iplayer and and celebrities choose shows they like and we talk about it and sally phillips um the famous comedy actress chose a documentary about full-contact medieval fighting for women. Oh, yeah? And the Americans were the best at it. They love it. They love a bit of it. And also, there's that bit in Cable Guy

when they go to, like, a medieval jousting tournament. Do you remember that? Yeah. But the thing is, with the armour, what I thought was, in Alaska, it's quite cold. It is. And you've got to be very careful with skin contact on metal. Yes.

You could actually flay yourself completely. Yeah. I can see it. There's never any stuff about armour getting cold, is there? No. This show very rarely gives a health and safety message to the Alaska community. No, it does.

It's time it did. Sending it out there. But anyway, can I get armour trousers? Was that what you'd call them? Yeah, or B. Is your B, is there anybody

that wants a top that wants to go halves? Oh, that's it. Someone who gets easily sunburnt who's maybe looking just for a visor. I could put an ad in the paper for that, of course,

but would that be an advisor? Very good. I had to say it, and now I've said it. That's how loud I clap. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I can smell the Joss. Does Joss come in other forms other than sticks? Yes.

Does it? I know this because obviously... Branches, Joss branches. You live in Brighton, you must see other... I'm constantly being attacked by... Is there a Joss shop? There's so many Joss shops. Yeah. Yeah, not as many Joss shops. Yeah.

Not as many as there used to be. There used to be a time in Brighton where you couldn't walk down certain streets without having your breath ripped from your chest with the smell of Joss. Yeah. But there come in little cones, too. Oh, yeah. Could I get a Joss inhaler? You could probably get a Joss inhaler.

You wouldn't be able to breathe, but you'd feel a lot calmer. Yeah. You're right, though. That often happens with those areas, is that they start off with shops like that and then they end up selling T-shirts with... And now it's just vaping. Yeah. Vaping is a new form of Jossing.

Yes, the e-shops. So, yeah, that was Wolf and Huckam. That's my... That's how I treat women. Sorry, why did I say that? Terrible. Awful. Hi, Frank and Confederates.

Sorry. I've actually read myself in a bit. Hi, Frank and Confederates. Handbags at dawn was always used to describe fights that broke out during rugby matches. At dawn is a duelling reference, and handbags allude to the fact that the rugby players are generally surprisingly ineffectual fighters.

I never knew that. I think it's that most fights are on the argy-bargy side of things. When you see one that isn't, you really, then you yearn. Believe me, you yearn for handbags. Yeah. When you see someone actually punch really hard in the face. What I did like about this Hookham

chap is that he said it was handbags at dawn as we say in Hull. He said it as if there's only people in Hull say this and nobody else will understand it so I'd better explain it a bit. And I thought, isn't that in itself a little bit UKIP?

Like, he thinks, like, this only happens here. It's almost like all the good things that happen in England can't possibly happen in Europe as well. But was the suggestion that in Hull they have proper fights? No, he was saying that was what they call it. No, no, because they're disparaging about semi-violent. Oh, I see. I think that's what he was saying that was what they call it. Because they're disparaging about semi-violent. I think that's what he was

implying. Well, since it's been made City of Culture, it's now handbags. Oh, it's handbags. Lovely. Yeah, I mean, there's Philip Larkin's statue in the railway station. There's some lovely statues in Hull. I've been to Hull. Well, where else is there a statue of him? There's a really good one of, I don't know

the guy's name, but some sailor. Some sailor? Yeah. Google that if you want, people. Yeah. Some sailor statue in Hull. Do you remember there was a thing on Fools and Horses when some bloke said it on his

birth certificate, in the place where it said father, it said some soldiers. Sounds a bit like that oh i think it's all right to say that it's all right comedy classic can you yeah not remade in the recent um sitcom no there's a few they missed didn't they i think what would have been good if they'd have remade it and had someone playing David Jason and Nicholas Lindhurst. But also add David Jason and Nicholas Lindhurst in it in some older figures

and just keep metering it up until it explodes. Like a sort of school of mirrors. Hall of Mirrors. Hall of Mirrors. School of Mirrors. School of Mirrors. I don't know what that is.

Sorry. I'd like to go to that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Interesting, during that break, Sarah, our assistant producer, was saying that she'd never heard of Joss, as in the Joss Sticks thing, which I think is perfectly reasonable.

You don't often hear Joss separated from Stick. No, except in the name for a human, and that's not the same thing, is it? Yeah, exactly. Joss Ackland, for example, the actor, he wasn't like he was some innocent... Barely smells if you burn him, that guy. No, I think he was actually...

Don't ask me how I know. I think he was actually... Oh, no. Don't! Yeah. he was cremated um and that's why all those harry krishnas was hanging around hadn't thought about that um no but i feel now as i get i mean i suppose my whatever happened to us is a thing about getting older and noticing the world. I'm sort of, I'm gradually losing the ability to communicate with anyone under about 40.

And I, no, this is why old people become isolated in their homes, I think. I spoke to a woman this week and I was talking about an act I'd seen. And I said, so he's got bodgerigars. She said,

what? I said, you know, he had like a bodgerigar on it. She said, oh, what is that? And I said, well, you know, a bodgerigar. And she was looking at me. I mean, it's one of those words, if you're trying to guess what it means you can go

down a very dark alley and when I reduced are you with this say you know what a Baudrillard is I'm not condemning anyone for not knowing very quickly when I said Baudrillard then she started

to say oh I never knew they were called bodgery guys. So that worried me. Especially as, like, within 48 hours, I said to a guy, so I'm not saying this is a gender-based thing, something about soap on a rope. He said, what? I said, you know, soap on a rope.

No, nothing. The millennials will know soap on a rope. You know soap on a rope. No, I don't think the millennials will know soap on a rope. You know soap on a rope, Sarah? No. You've never seen soap on a rope? Oh, soap on a rope. So I'm losing, I don't know, I'm just losing my way. Fred Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not.

There must be some mistake. So I was doing a gig the other night and somebody's phone went off and they had as their ringtone a piece of music. And from what I heard, I went, what is that? Is that MC Hammer? And everybody just looked at me like, what is she talking about? It did sound like... But it clearly wasn't.

And then I went, what is it? And you mentioned a name of a rap artist that I can't remember. It sounded like an ingredient you'd find in an energy drink. It was nothing I recognised at all. And then I went, does anybody know who MC Hammer is? And they went, no, what? No, well, yeah, I can't handle that, because that's just ignorance.

That's not to do with age. I know Alexander the Great is. But surely Budgerigar has to do just ignorance. That's not to do with age. I know Alexander the Great is. Surely budgerigar has to do with ignorance. I mean, how do you not know a budgie's called a budgerigar? Well, I asked the person that about eight times until she started to go a bit red. Just hit her head off a mirror. I left it at that.

I said, you know, I started going... CHATTER CHATTER CHATTER CHAT... Didn't. Nothing. But, yeah, that is scary. But, you know, not long to go. That's how they can tell themselves, I think, when that starts to happen. Oh, well, at least, you know, I'm on the home straight.

Frank Skinner on the radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran... ..and Zoe Lyons. You can text the show on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That reminded me, I did have a tell you when I saw a silent movie.

Who was it? I think Lon Chaney was in it. And it was an MGM, it's an early MGM film, and they had the lion on MGM. But it was a silent movie. So they came to that shot with the line in the circle and it just sort of looked at you no raw they didn't have it raw and then put like in subtitles grrr they just it just looked looked in a sort of a oh yes do they wear white face paint like a French mime artist? No, he didn't.

Marcel Marceau. No, although in the old days, of course, they could have got away with a painting or something like that. No, it looked like it was someone who worked in an office and I'd walked in thinking it was reception and it wasn't and they'd looked up, you know. Yeah, it was like that. There'd be some officer lying on reception

Well I mean if it was a person I'm equating it's expression with that of a person. I wasn't having a go. I was in agreement. No I don't know. We've had a texting about armour. It's another show with a wide ranging topic. In case you've just tuned in I'm trying to

find out if I can buy a pair of medieval armour trousers without having to buy the whole suit. Good morning, all. This is for gardening purposes. Good morning, all. This may sound petty, but it amused me. While at Leeds Castle looking at the armour on display, I asked the curator how old one particular suit of armour was,

only to be told quite firmly that it's never referred to as a suit of armour, just armour. Oh. So I then continued to ask other questions, making sure I used the word suit of armour as often as I could. The poor fellow was read with rage. I wonder as well, could I get a waistcoat?

An armour waistcoat. A three-piece suit of armour? Well, no, I don't mean to wear it with. But I mean, you can take the arms off, can't you? The arms come off separately. So I wonder if they ever wore it as a waistcoat. Say, you know, for medieval snooker tournaments. Yeah, maybe.

Anyway, we still don't know if I can get the... Could I just get the shoes? You know, those pointy armour shoes. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I can get the... Could I just get the shoes? You know, those pointy armour shoes. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I think there's a tendency to get them on block, as it were. The whole lot. I'm sure it'll be long before hipsters turn to pointy armour shoes. That'll happen.

Yeah, give it time. We'll have gone from sort of brogue to spat to sandal to pointy armour shoe. Go down Shoreditch. Some charity shop in Shoreditch will have them. Someone told me that they went to Posh Spice's house when she still lived with her family. Dun dun dun dun.

Dun dun dun dun. She was Victoria Adams, I don't know if you remember. Way back. And they live in a sort of mock, she was called Posh Spice but they weren't Posh, they were Nouveau Riche. Which, that's my people, the nouveau riche. And they went to their house and someone opened the door

and they'd got a suit of armour in the foyer. Brilliant. So you never know where you're going to come across one. Now, if Victoria's listening and you don't use it anymore, could I have the trousers? Just the trousers. He's all right for a shirt. He's not bothered. If I said to that man from Leeds Castle...

Is it Leeds Castle? Yes. Is Leeds Castle the one that isn't in Leeds? It's in Kent, isn't it? Ironically, the National Armoury is in Leeds, which has got... I mean, that's a great... Ever been there, Zoe? No, never.

No, I've not either. Oh, man, it's an armour fest. When you walk in, you just look up and it looks like a fabulous sort of art installation. And when you focus on it, it's sort of pike staffs and axes and swords and stuff. We don't support medieval warfare here on Absolute Radio. But one can still respect its beauty.

One more bit of correspondence that's come in, an email entitled, Joss Ackland, A up Frank, Alan and Zoe, just to say Mr Ackland is still with us, so I don't think he has been cremated. Kidding me. Joss Ackland's still alive? That's what they're reckoning. I mean, I don't know if that's right.

Well, then there is still scope to turn him into sticks after his cremation. Joss Sticks. I mean, what a fabulous sofa. If the family, I don't know if he's still working, Joss Ackland, but if the family want to make a few bob after his demise, that's the way, isn't it? Surely he should collaborate with Joss Stones, and then it'd be Joss St and stones very good yes yeah just a thought just just stone was it yeah and stones just sticks and stone yeah barefoot josh stone that's right

one has to ask she'll still be working somewhere. Very lovely. I interviewed her once. Very sweet. Worked with her more,

weren't you? Worked with her more. But not Joss Atland. Pass me, pass me by. In a hearse,

funnily enough. Can we, can we confirm that? Anyone out there? Joss Atland is definitely alive. It's,

I didn't, I wasn't anticipating a mortality of Joss Ackland texting, but that's the great thing about this show, you don't know what's coming next. Frank Skinner on the radio. In other political news, David Cameron walked his daughter to school and stopped off at a deli instead of going to the Conservative Party conference last week.

He's dipped out, really. Very quickly. He's taken the fast track. He's taken the log flume out, hasn't he, really? Yeah. Well, you say that, but the paper made quite a big description of him and included a photo and said he wore a dark navy suit and a blue shirt. And there was a bit of me that was thinking,

why, why did he wear that? If he's going on the school run, why wasn't he in some jogging bottoms and a blue shirt. And there was a bit of me that was thinking, why? Why did he wear that? If he's going on the school run, why wasn't he in some jogging bottoms and a beanie because he hadn't washed his hair yet? That's how I feel. I'm still going in shorts on the school run. Are you? Good for you. The headmaster referred to it the other day

because he was in the playground. Did he? And I said, I don't think there's a dress code for dropping off. No, no, no. No, no, not at all. Maybe David Cameron's... All the ladies are in... They're in the sports gear.

Yeah. Lycra, straight to the gym after maybe. Yes, exactly. But he was there in the suit. I think he might not have told Sam Cam that he's out of work. Do you think that's what he's doing? You know, when she was looking sad... Oh, no, it's like...

Was it falling down, that Michael Douglas thing, when he pretends he's going to work? Sleeping in his car in the afternoon. It's a good novel, Mr Phillips. It's the same thing. And he's coming in and saying, is that telly fixed? No, it's still not working.

I can't work it out. He's gone up and severed the cable. And when we all thought she was sad to be leaving, like, Downing Street, it was just that she was sad to be leaving the house. She didn't realise that he was out of work. Oh, that's terrible. So he's still showing up and then going home, going, oh, God, it was just that she was sad to be leaving the house. She didn't realise that he was out of work. Oh, that's terrible.

So he's still showing up and then going home going, Oh, those guys. I had a mate used to do that. He used to leave the house with a briefcase with his tennis gear in and then go and play tennis instead of going to work. Oh. With other people, not just play tennis on his own. Either that or he's got no casual clothes at all. Well, he must have some casual

clothes because whenever he was photographed on holiday in Cornwall on a staycation, he frequently had a sort of buttoned polo. Black polo. One polo holiday shirt. Why wasn't he on that on the way to the school? Maybe he's going on somewhere

maybe. Do you think he had a job interview? He's also right. Even manage a job interview. That's where he's on somewhere, maybe. Do you think he had a job interview? He's also right, mate. He's a manager job interview. That's where he's on his way to. All joins up, doesn't it? I was doing the school run this week, and I love the school run, personally.

And we stopped to watch the rubbish bin operating. I do a lot of that on the school run. I don't do it when I'm on my own. There was a thing a car had driven into. Now, here's going to be a thing where... This is going to be a moment where you don't know what I'm talking about. A Belisha beacon. Are you with me on that? Yeah.

A pelican crossing? A Belisha beacon is those orange balls that you get next to a, not a pelican, a zebra crossing. Yeah. I believe it was because the man who invented or brought them in, the politician, was called Horber Leisha. Alright. You heard it

here, well, not first, necessarily, but anyway, so one of those had been hit and was at an angle, it was almost touching the ground. Right. And we went and had a look at a look at it you know yeah i wouldn't do that on my own no but with the child yeah looking back could have been a great um photo opportunity missed me sort of leaning on the yeah yeah that's frustrating anyway so i was watching the bin truck and um one of the guys said uh bring him a bit closer so he can you know he can see it better so i lifted him up so he could watch the rubbish and he said do you want to press the

green button you know the green button that fires the jaws the jaws of the the rubbish truck and yeah so he got something i'll honest, I wouldn't have minded doing it myself. I'd have loved that. You know, you have to make sacrifices as a parent. Yeah. So, yeah, he pressed that, and then we watched the resulting crunch. Imagine if you'd pushed past him and you'd pressed it. That would have been some spectacular...

And then I'd stumbled and dropped him in. But I... That would have been bad. I don't know if I'd be just talking about it like this casually on the radio. But I did, of course, I was really pleased and he was very excited about it. I got 20 yards down the road

before I thought, hold on, he's touched the rubbish truck. And, you know, I didn't have any antiseptic. And I just, it was like carrying a radioactive isotope to school this finger it'd be good for him it's good for him it's definitely good kids are so sanitized he says you gotta rub a bit of germ in there i agree i agree with that but i mean it's it's in

at the deep end isn't it the green button on the on the even the men are wearing gloves. Even they won't touch the green button, just, you know, barehanded. It is a cauldron of death. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had news. Joss Ackland is still alive, ladies and gentlemen. Joss Ackland, the actor. How lovely, because so often on the radio, whenever an old actor is mentioned, you know what's coming next.

There should be more announcements of the ones who are still alive. Yeah, still going. I mean, people need light and dark. Is this going to be a feature of the show? Still going? Yeah. As well as whatever happened to. We'll announce older celebrities who are still alive every week.

What we sort of do every time I say good morning. Another odd thing about the David Cameron story, may I just hark back, is that he took his daughter to a deli and the newspaper said, oh, they went for breakfast at a deli and then they went to the school at nine o'clock. But they kept calling it an eclectic

deli. Did you see that? They said eclectic deli did you see that they said eclectic deli what do they mean by that i don't know everything it's a sort of best got a bit of italian got a bit of spanish got a bit of british pork pie you'll be able to get your palma and pork pie there's a suggestion of best of isn't there it covers all of your meat and cheese products i would imagine that's what it's saying but also you could probably get a little jar of squid ink. That's, I'm just guessing. But it's also like there's a picture, a black and white picture of a 1960s boxer on the wall. Yes. And you

could get like beans on toast. It's like it's a cafe that has the quintessence of all cafes. I like it now. I didn't like it at first when it, when I first heard that it was eclectic. Yeah. I didn't, now I do. Get everything that it was elect eclectic yeah i didn't now i do get everything our friends eclectic pardon mr gary newman was that gary newman um yeah i i can't imagine the

way my life is stopping off for breakfast on the school run yeah i mean I mean, for me, it's all, come on! Come on, now! Now! No, no, no, no, no! We can't do that now! It's all that. Not, oh, let's nip into... I think they do all that by 8 o'clock. Let's nip into the ED.

The ED. The Eclectic Deli. The Neighbourhood ED. Yeah, no, that's that. He's just pushed forward all that shouting so that they've got time for the deli after it. Yeah, I'll have pie and chips. Well, he has been PM,

so his time management should be good. His time management should be good. Now other people did it. Yeah, I'll have pie and chips. Well, he has been PM, so his time management should be good. His time management should be good. Now other people did it, though, I should think. Do you think, I think he should be able to, I think, you know, well, now, what is he doing now? Nothing. So, he's had very... Is he actually doing nothing? Yeah. Brilliant. I would. Wouldn't you? Wouldn't it be great

if... Just work my way through Netflix. That would be it, wouldn't it? You remember he hummed on the doorstep as he was going back in. Wouldn't it be great if... I didn't smell it, but I heard. I heard that. Wouldn't it be great now if he was picked up on microphone just humming We're Busy Doing Nothing?

Oh, we love it. Gone fishing. Bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo. And then, um... What about Erna Solberg? Who? You know, that's the Norwegian Prime Minister. Oh, yes.

And she was caught playing Pokemon Go in, um... Yeah, I thought Pokemon... While she was in the harness. I thought Pokemon Go had got... She was in the harness. Well, you know what I mean. She is. I'm not suggesting it's that bloke from Countdown.

Was that his name? He's dead. Is he dead? The Harness. Bob Holness. Is he dead? Bob Holness wasn't on Countdown. I think Bob Holness.

Wasn't he? What was he on? Bob Holness. Blockbusters. Blockbusters, yeah. Oh, dear. Not far off. So she was playing Pokemon while she was in the...

I think she was in Parliament. Yeah. Yeah. And she's sort of got a slight out because the person who was speaking has also been caught... She had a slight out as well. Somebody should have told her that. I mean, don't they have dresses? Oh, dear.

The woman speaking has also been caught playing Pokemon Go in Parliament. What is it with the Norwegian Parliament? You'd think it'd be gripping stuff, wouldn't you? It's like whenever you see a foreign parliament, it's always men with no ties on and a scuffle. Yes. A couple of kids running about because they're really good at childcare.

There's always blokes that look like they've come to deliver something and it turns out it's the Minister for the Interior. That's what foreign parliaments are all about. Yeah, she was asked about it and she said, I think that Trini will like that I opened the game while she was at the pulpit. And you know what she's doing there? She's facing it out. She's totally going, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. Facing it out.

I think it's a sackable offence, isn't it? Well, I think there'd be a warning letter and then if you did it again probably... Is it still cool, Pokemon Go? It feels like it's already gone a bit off the boil. Is it not? I don't know. I don't know. I speak

to you from the planet Bodgerigar. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I ask one more question about Erna Solborg? And I'm going to ask this specifically to

Zoe Leon. Thank you. This is a woman whose job is to be the Prime Minister of Norway and who was playing Pokemon Go during that job, which I think is a poor thing. The woman MP who they asked about it said, well,

that's the great thing about women, is multitasking. This has become what I would call a cliché, hasn't it? Where does it come from, that? I've no idea. I'm not a tremendous multitasker, so I really struggle to chew gum and walk

straight. I'm one of those people. I think it's the idea that women are sort of... Traditionally, they'll have the kids and... But more than men. I don't know. I reckon we could... Well, could I run a country and play Pokemon? Probably if that country was Norway.

Probably, cos you'd be... Yeah, yeah. Cos you'd be like, well, we're sorted, really, aren't we? There's enough in the bank. We're all fairly minted. Got high taxes and herring. What more do we need? We've got those buffets to look forward to. Got all that salmon

and prawns and stuff. Have you ever had a buffet in a buffet, lunch buffet dinner? In Norway? No, I wouldn't be able to. Whoa, man. Is it good? It's absolutely fantastic. It's worth going there just for that. Just for a Norwegian buffet? If you can afford it. If you can afford it. No, it was... You need pockets like fjords to be able to eat in norway i stayed in this um hotel and it

said in like the rough guide something like and watch out for the buffets if you're trying to you know not gain weight on holiday and i thought i went so it said buffet seven o'clock so me and kath have been out for a walk and i said it'll be the buffet soon let's go and have a look it was lot the room there's about 20 people milling about and when the doors open they race i honestly i saw one bloke and i counted them he had five different desserts on one plate it's like the last days of rome but even like little motorway calves in Norway have the most exceptional food. They're incredible. You get these

prawns that are so big they come with an apple in their mouth. I mean, that's a proper you know, big old prawn. Is it crab apple? Big crab apple. Very good. I have to say, on the multitasking, I mean my partner, she can multitask.

If I say, do you mind if I go to the match this week? She can say yes and no. Do you mind if I go to the match? No, no, no, it's fine, go to the match. To me, that is no. But there's a bit of yes in it. It's a dirty yes, dirty, worthless, dried out yes. But there's a bit of yes in it. It's a dirty yes. Dirty, worthless, dried out yes.

Can you multitask? Are you able to do that? I can do that thing when you pat your head and rub your belly, but I've never found a practical purpose. No need for that, is there? No. When am I going to use that? It's not one of those life skills.

8, 12, 15. I tell you what, on the female front, I never even mention, in fact, I'll go as far as you what, on the female front, I never even mention. In fact, I'll go as far as to say. Whatever happens to me. Feminine intuition. Do you remember that female intuition thing women used to talk about? Yeah, doesn't that still exist?

Some sort of slightly supernatural skill that women have. I kind of had a feeling you were going to mention it. Oh, wow. Strong work. There you go. So did I, which is weird. That's weird oh it's weird maybe i wouldn't mention that down at the uh hapkido club by feminine intuition no you don't want to leave there tarred and feathered but women love to say that don't they if something goes wrong they go oh i had a feeling that was gonna happen but i think

was it female intuition it seems to not get i think women i think it's a bit of an airy fairy If something goes wrong, they go, oh, I had a feeling that was going to happen. But I think feminine intuition... Oh, I knew that was going to happen. Was it female intuition? It seems to not get... I think women there think it's a bit of an airy-fairy quality. Of course it is. Whereas they want to be a bit, you know, someone who might smash up a chip shop if crossed. I think that's the modern woman summed up.

Zoe, would you agree? We all love chips. Not a chip shop. But I would much rather have some magical intuition that told me that things were going to happen and stuff than being able to hit somebody. Yeah, me too. You hear that, girls? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake.

So are you going to be in a major... Have you gained a major role in a television...? No, Frank. No, I haven't. And it's my own fault, really. Have you actually had a phone call to say that you haven't? No, but you know... You give it two or three days after an audition... We should say Zoe had a big audition.

It wasn't a big audition. She had a small audition. I had a small audition. I had an audition that was the appropriate size for where I'm at in my career. It was an appropriate sized audition. So Zoe had an appropriate sized audition. And I don't get

many auditions. I don't get many. I went to drama. I did a little bit. I've done a bit of acting but I don't get many. Did you say you went to drama school? Yeah. Did you? I didn't know that. I did. Oh, they love a bit of that, the girls love it running around with leotard and my movement skirt what animal did you choose when you have to be an animal i was a sloth which was quite clever because i just sat on the floor didn't move the people who chose gazelle and gorillas were knackered

absolutely it was fine i just i just i just sat on the floor i'd have gone for a lot oh an ocelot i like the challenge of not knowing what it is i'm supposed to be so what was can you tell us what it was it was just a pilot for something but i just um i just realized i'm really bad in auditions because i talked my way out of a part before i've even gone before i started i went in and they're always really lovely like come on and so come in hi how are you and you're like fine fine and they're like so what did you think of the part i just went i think i'm about 15 years too old for it they went oh i thought you said it was i thought we fought you finally narrowed me down to appropriate audition and now you're saying you

were 15 years too old we weren't thinking that way and i went oh gosh why have i said that then why have i said they went no we were thinking maybe it could have been an old... And I was like, oh, I've just really talked my way out of this. So then it was just sort of... And did they say, yeah, actually, don't bother reading? It was just at the end where their faces go, you know what? Probably right, love. You're probably right.

One of them was playing Pokemon Go. I know, I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I did once turn up to an audition and there was somebody... They were looking at my picture and then looking at my face and then looked back to my picture and then went, Roy, um, you look slightly older than you do in your photograph. They never said that. Oh, wow.

And I just went, well, that's because it was taken in the past. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody is inevitably older than they are in their photograph. I went, since that photo has been taken we have moved forward do you need me to explain physics to you yes and i didn't get that part either yeah this is why i don't get past there should be there you know there should be something that clicks in to stop you drunk texting that equally there should be something that clicks in in my mind when i go

into a casting and go hello i'm really not appropriate for this part no stop doing that i've always felt there's always people queuing up to criticise you, so don't criticise yourself. What about that one, kids? Yes. Write it down. Write it down if you've got a pen. A bit of Skinner self-help there. Yeah.

Frank Skinner on the radio. I haven't won the call anyway. She told me that she never even says thank you when she's in an audition. She always just acts as if she's meant to be there, because she thinks if she says, thank you very much for seeing me, it's a bit beggy and... Needy.

Yeah, and she sort of says, you know, I should be entitled to be in the room, so I don't even say thanks for seeing me. Well, when I did my Doctor Who audition... She's not worked for 15 years. Yeah. When I did my Doctor Who audition, I had to read a scene.

The character's first scene in the show is that he discovers the Doctor looking at this sort of life support wheelchair. So I had to read this scene for the director and the casting person. So we read it through, we're me doing the character part. So I finished it and the director said well i wasn't expecting that oh so um still don't quite know what they mean good bad bad good good good bad bad good i think the idea is it was a novel reading of the i'm just surprised you had to audition, Frank,

and you weren't just given the role. You know what? I'm not too proud. Well, for a Doctor Who part, I would have crawled over broken glass. And, you know, it's that attitude to work which has put me where I am today. Do you hear that, children? Maybe we should explain to Zoe that it's a Doctor Who part

that you begged for on air for about three years. I did, yes. That's how you do it. Who was it who said ain't too proud to beg? That soul classic. I don't know that. It was you by the sounds of things. I think it might have been. I think Joss Ackland

covered it. We'll have, I think, an Ackland update every week. Oh, that sounds good. And keep you posted on his programme. We shouldn't do that, because the week he dies, it's going to be a downer, isn't it? Yeah.

OK. I think he's 88. Yeah. I think, to be honest... He does look older in his photo, though. Not easy to look older than 88. Yeah. Unless you're a pilt down man anyway

God bless him very fine actor yeah that's a bit of balance thank you Zoe I don't think you're with us next week but it's been a joy having you around as it always is I shouldn't say thank you should I

you're meant to be here if Zoe Lyons if Zoe's appearing as it always is. Thank you for having me. I shouldn't say thank you, should I? No, no. You're meant to be here. Whaves. If Zoe Lyons... Whaves. If Zoe's appearing at a comedy club near you, go, that's my advice, and see her. So, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now, get out. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East. Get out.