The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Michael Flat Lay

Episode Date: June 29, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to see World Cup cricket and has an issue with Alexa. The team also discuss Tom Holland's Spider-suit problems, pavement sales and regency fashion.

Comedy legend Frank Skinner is back on stage with his first stand-up show in four years. I think a man of my age saying my girlfriend is sort of on a level with a man of my age saying my skateboard. Live in London this June at the Edinburgh Festival in August and touring across the country this autumn. It's what I would call an Elton John joke. It's a little bit funny. Book tickets now at frankskinnerlive.com This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. That's the first thing you can do. Or you can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. We're lumping those together, at Frank on the radio. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We like to give you options. Yes.

There are people who don't have any. Remember that. That's a cheery start to the show. We were just discussing a thing, which I think cropped up last week. Faye, who works on the show, made some tea. I see tea. And I think you put up a picture of it.

I did. I put up a picture. It's one of those that has like islands on it, floating islands of darkness on the surface. Excellent description. Yeah. It really was like that. I'll tell you what it looks like.

I don't know if you're aware of the Tottenham Hotspur Away shirt. Yes. 2018, 2019. Yeah. And it has like a ghost version map of the world on it. It's a green shirt. And that's what it reminds me of. Well, I put up this picture.

Not a ringing endorsement of the tea, I don't think. I said, would you drink this? Nor was this, nor was my comment. Would you drink this? Name of tea maker withheld for legal reasons. Hashtag heads will roll. David Baddiel, I've seen that tea, Frank made it. Maybe for tea it should be figs will roll.

You know the fig roll? Oh, fig roll. It was a popular donking biscuit in its day. I saw you see not getting it in me and panic on my behalf. It was a hideous moment. I see not getting it very early in people. At most nights this week. What happened was, yeah, it was just that moment of,

it was sort of disbelief on Frank's face and then a little bit of horror, but then, as always, he, it was just that moment of, it was sort of disbelief on Frank's face, and then a little bit of horror, but then, as always, he saved it. David Baddiel, I've seen that tea Frank made it. Yeah, I didn't actually make it, but I don't, we've never worked out, I think we've discussed this, I mean, years ago, what it is that,

you know, because we get like scientists type, listen to this. Surprisingly, we do. Scientists wouldn't listen to this. Is it scientists? Surprisingly, we do. Scientists wouldn't listen to this, would they? Some of them do, I think. I think everyone has to have some time off. That's right, yeah. Yeah.

Tracy Coldwell, it's the dodgy water, not the tea that's the problem, Trace says. Okay. I wonder if she's related to Minnie Cold, who used to be in Coronation Street. Probably not, of course, because that was her character name. So if she was, that would be a weird strangeness. So everyone seemed to be saying it was the quality of the water rather than the tea itself. Yeah. I thought it was a stirring problem.

I thought that the tea had been made and not stirred, just left. You know, some people say mashed. Yeah, I don't think that's right. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. We need a scientist. OK. We're not going to arrive at this answer haphazardly. Well, you say that, but Mr Peter Vernon has some practical advice.

He's one of our regulars. It looks like re-boiled water to me. Jacuzzi. Tell them to fill the kettle, them, with fresh water every time. Yeah, I never do that. I think that's, you know, there are people in the world that don't have water. So I think you should just boil it until you're finished with it. Okay, next. enough water so i think you should just boil it until you're finished with it okay next

oh here's a question for you have you ever you know do you get this thing in your in your neighborhood where people leave stuff outside their house for people to take? Yes. Have you ever taken anything? Me personally, no. I think my wife might have. So when someone left furniture, I spoke to them and said, you shouldn't put that there. Really, why? What were you worried about?

Someone just sitting down on the street? No, I just said, why are you leaving that table outside? Because it was near my house, near my property. Right. I said, I amended it to property to sound like I was a responsible citizen. Yeah. I said, it was near my house near my property right i said i amended it to property to sound like a like i was a responsible citizen i said it was near my property and she said um

oh someone can someone can take it yeah i said yeah or someone could not take it and it could be stuck there for some time outside the house i said could you please get rid of it oh dear so she i don't think people it's fly tipping is what Is this when you became known as the haughty neighbour? Yes. I've become known. There's been times when I've been walking, say, a mile back from the school run, and I've been glad of a chair outside a house. It's always an office chair with one wheel missing.

Often a small bookcase or a metallic shelf i find but what i saw the other day was a like a little plastic box of multi-colored paper clips and you know i went past and a hundred yards down the road i thought i wish i'd had those did you i really and i thought about going back and i just couldn't no i. I couldn't handle that. The U-turn. That concept of myself. I could have gone back and then up to the top of the road and then back again, thus forming a paperclip shape before picking them up.

That would have been nice. But it did. I just think you've got to be so careful. They could have been, you know, the Foxies could have regurgitated them. That's unlikely, isn't it? Oh, you say that? We don't know what happens on the streets.

Into a plastic box and clean. We don't know what happens. No, I... I'm just saying, all I would say is, you're doing quite well, from what I've heard, so you could probably afford paperclips. I know, but I do... I get through a lot of paperclips.

It's my thing. Do you? Yeah, I find that paper... Who says that, though? I do. I really do. I get through. Even people at work... Oh, you're not paper... Who says that, though? I do. I really do. Even people at work... Oh, you're not one of these people that love stationery.

Well, I do love stationery. Oh, God. Jumbo's pad. These people are so tedious. But I have money for that. You don't like the yellow legal pad, though, do you? What I like, I find that a paper clip is a lot less commitment than a staple. Good point.

You know, it's flexibility. And that's what I like about it. And also, well, we'll come back to that. Frank's case on Absolute Radio. 118 has been in touch. Frank, people underestimate the effects. 118? 118.

Has he got the little, I hope he's got a tash and a perm. David Bedford, was he called? The runner who they were based on. Oh! Yeah, David Bedford, they said he had to run up 80 stairs to get his heartbeat to the point of a normal person, an average person's

heartbeat. Oh, really? Yeah. Anyway. I wonder what they're doing now, those 118 men. Because they don't turn up in the celebrity... Yeah, I think there's probably a few different... But the advert is still on. Is it? Yeah, I see it a lot.

Oh, extraordinary. Are you sure you see it? I do see it, because... But you thought BHS was still going? They sort of... In the new one, they're sort of like film directors auditioning other people. Oh, are they? OK, I believe you, but partly because one of the...

Faye is nodding, exactly. Frank, people underestimate the effects of the paperless office. Stationery orders have been cut to such an extent that I had to search five floors of my company's building before I could find a suitable supply of rubber bands to steal. It's a crisis. Sack them all if it's your company. Just sack someone for not having stuff in...

They should be a cupboard full of stuff. I mean, Boris hasn't actually got in yet. I mean, I don't know a lot about business, but I do know that the best bosses in business say you're fired a lot. That's one of the things I've picked up from popular culture on television. The stationery cupboard is a cave of wonders, I think. Do you still get that in the new offices, though? Well, I don't really.

Not on that chat. I don't really go in new offices anymore. But my days of that are over as well. I only go in when I'm searching through their desks, and then you cut to their car arriving outside, and I'm still there taking photographs with a thing that looks like one of those things that cut the end off a cigar,

but I'm taking photos with it. And then through the frosted glass glass window you see their silhouette actually appearing and they're going and i've gone miraculously to the surprise of the viewers and then you see an open uh toilet window that i've got out frank once told me i can't remember what film we were discussing but he said oh i can't, I can't deal with that. He said the stress of some people rifling through drawers. Those scenes,

like I've just described, they honestly give me stomach cramps. I get so anxious when you can see them, the person is going to turn off any minute and they still

open another drawer and another drawer. You think, just get out. They leave it way too long. Oh, man, I do suffer with that, I've got to tell you. I'll tell you what I do miss.

I miss that paperclip. Remember that animated paperclip that used to go on the computer? Oh, Microsoft. Oh, what did that do? I found that really irritating. He was like a stalker, that man. Lots of people did material about how patronising he was. Well, I wrote, I was writing a book at the time, so I spent a lot of time

on it, and he became, to me, a companion. In a way that Siri never has. I don't like, Siri's got a manner

about him, which I, I didn't understand that, all right. I didn't hear what, okay. I've got a real

sort of surliness about him. I think that's why I like him. I'd better speak to my therapist about that. Siri. Yeah. Where do you stand on Alexa? Well, I think men of my age have struggled and fought

to get out of the habit of barking instructions at a female in a domestic setting. And now the temptation to lure has been just tangled in front of our face to tempt us in, you know. Also, it's being somewhat overused. Alexa! Where's my Smiths playlist? You shouldn't be talking to people. It's not a good habit to get into.

Agreed. Also, it's being somewhat overused, I find, on the socials, Frank. Oh, I see. You know, they'll say, on the socials, Frank. Oh, I see. You know, they'll say, the trope is, Alexa, show me a picture of someone who, I don't know, has told a lie or whatever, and then they'll be Donald Trump. So it's become a real trope now. I don't like that kind of no-please-or-thank-you element of talking.

Just say please-or-thank-you to her. No-one ever does in the adverts, do they? It's weird that they've chosen to make it female and if you're just going to tell them what to do, it seems to go against the current zeitgeist. I will have it for different reasons.

I don't like the idea of being recorded in my own home. I'm not that interested. I don't mind that. No one else is recording me. We've had a couple of textings that I text ins. Is that the phrase I should use there? Remember somebody complained that I

was telling you the mode that they'd communicated with us on. Oh, yes. Don't need to know if it's an email or a text. No, exactly. It was a fair point. It turned out not to be, because then I tried to do it, and it was impossible.

Our friend lives in London. They left their old... Oh, stop showing. Exactly. They left their old working fridge outside their house for someone to help themselves to. Next day, it was still there. Next night, they put a £25 sign on it.

It was then taken overnight and no £25 left. A little snapshot into the way people think. It's a good... Do you think the £25... They ever thought they'd get the £25? It was somebody dabbling with human nature. Yeah, yeah. Very persuasive.

And that's from Ian Angle. And then the other side of the same coin, I think. Morning, Frank. With reference to furniture on one's drive slash front garden for the taking, I wonder if the person that took my car from the drive was of this tilt. Yeah, maybe that was a mistake. Did he leave a pile of children's books and some DVDs next to it?

And the person thought, I don't fancy those, but that... That Vauxhall Astra... You've given Mikey a Vauxhall Astra in this. As a motion correspondent, I feel I have to ask Mikey, what are you driving these days? Good.

Can I point out, I objected to this earlier but I do think I should insert the clause that they were moving these people. I should show people I mean look if you're leaving a table out some bachelor pad you know

laminated shelving fine for a 24 hour period it's just if you're moving that feels

there's something irresponsible about that that's a bit that's a bit that's a bit lotto loud but I do

in the break we were talking about when you get children set up a stall outside their house

we had someone selling strawberry can you I don't know if there. We had someone selling strawberry... Can you... I don't know if you can have this, but selling strawberry lemonade at 50 pence a cop. Wow, how much? Yeah, well, you know, it was going to a great Ormond Street. Yes.

I know it's a bit of a rude one as far as charities go, but even so, it's a good course. I love a children's sale. Do you? Yeah. I always part with money. I always give them a good course. I love a children's sale. Do you? Yeah. I always part with money. I always give them a little bit more as well. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. But don't you think that... It's all sort of free stuff, Frank, as well. You know when you watch, like, some celebrity game show and they're doing stuff for a charity, aren't you a bit more impressed when you haven't heard of the charity? Oh, yeah. I think a bit more of them. If they say something

this is like for the... Frank Skinner Homeowners Association. You know, this sort of East Anglian donkey sanctuary. So you think, oh, you've gone the extra mile with the charity choice. With the Google

before the show. Exactly. People say Great Ormond Street. You think, well, obviously it's a good course, but, you know, come on. You've just dashed that off. Anyway. I think my... Can I say I did give them extra money for Great Ormond Street?

Come on. I think my wife and children are planning one of these front of the house sales. You want to have a look? None of your stuff's going in? Well, I've already seen some of my stuff in it that I have not put in it. Some karate belts, mate. I've got a master plan.

I've actually lost my jiu-jitsu belt, but I've replaced it. Do you remember when Woody ended up accidentally in the sale? Do I ever? Do you remember that? In Toy Story 2? A documentary Toy Story 2. Oh, that too. Not Alan, yeah.

I've got a plan, though. I'm just going to buy it back. I'm going to buy my own stuff back and look like I'm a really big guy that gives money to charity. What if number 74 gets there first and he's got his hands on your mons? Your judo mons.

Is it Dan or Mon? I'll throttle him. Is it Dan or Mon in your world? His hands on your mons? No, Dan or Mons. Okay. It's not. Is it Dan or Mon? No, Dan or Mon. Okay. It's a judo. I thought it was a karate Dan.

Is it a Mon in judo? I'm sure you said that. Go on. Oh, my goodness. Well, I went to a school uniform sale. Did you? Yeah What do you mean?

He's going to one of those like back to school parties that were popular about 15 years ago So he wanted some shorts They don't have much like my size He wanted a Just William outfit No, but at the end A school disco businessman

dressed as Just William with a cap At the end of the year Oh my god Legend At the end of the year. Legend. At the end of the year at my son's school they

have, I think most schools do it, they have the school unit so people bring in the stuff that doesn't fit their kids anymore and then you buy

it. I love it. Because they don't go to jumble sales anymore. That thing is sorting through loads of things

looking at the size. Is that what they do? Does he have Mufti? Pardon? Mu. Is that what they do? Do you have... You'd enjoy TK Maxx. Does he have Mufti? Pardon? Mufti is what they call it when you get to wear your own clothes.

Oh, yeah. That's an army term. It's a military term, isn't it? Yeah. In the north, that's called own clothes day. No, honestly, it is. It's just called wear your own clothes day. We used to have on Friday, you could wear your own clothes and bring toys in.

Yeah. Brilliant. Oh, I love the idea. I went about when I was at work. Frank, can we bring toys in? Okay, if you like. We'll get the producers to get some batteries. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I went to the I went to the World Cup cricket this week England what's that for just cricket you don't love stationery you don't like cricket

we're drifting apart it does feel like that doesn't it well your response did feel very like you'd been involved for 24 years exactly

like you're a fast bowler with a back and knee trouble. Years of pounding down the street. I thought there was a cricket. Jo Wolfenden has sent a picture of her son, who's one of our youngest listeners, playing 8am cricket. He protests about getting up for school, but he never has a line on a non-school day. Interesting.

So what's going on? World Cup cricket. I was in a box, a sort of hospitality box at Lord's. This is for England, Australia. There's a lot of boxes at cricket, isn't there? There is, yeah. This one was cooler than most. And to our left, there was a... I don't know if you can still use this word,

the Australian wags. Can you still say wags? All right. They're called quags, I think. Oh, do they? What's the quag... Cricket wives and girlfriends. Oh, OK.

Yeah, well, they were to the left of us in a surprising amount of leather and leather look. I didn't think of the Australian. It was quite a warm day. What sort of leather outfit? Leather skirt, black leather leggings, big chunky boots with like multi-strapped and studded. I mean, it was like they'd arrived in some sort of Hell's Angels convoy. It sounds a bit right, said Fred.

Yeah, it was not what I expected at all. And of course, the weird thing is, is they had the children with them. So, you know, an Australian gets out and you all stand up and cheer and applaud, and it's that kid's dad. Yeah. So it seems a bit cruel.

But on the other side of us um tim rice had got oh yeah i'd got the box certain rice can i predict the outfit okay i think a fawn colored linen suit well yeah it wasn't a suit he had on oh navy blazer stri blazer? Stripey. Stripey blazer he went for. A sort of three men in a boat look, yes. But I bumped into him on the way to the gents and he said, all right, Frank, he said, Rice is the name, Words is the game. Which I thought was pretty brilliant.

Pretty brilliant. But in that box... Did you say, oh, hi, Damien? Pretty brilliant. But in that box... Did you say, oh, hi, Damien? In that box, there was Patricia Hodge, David Hare, Stephen Frears, Michael Parkinson. I mean, it was British theatre encapsulated

and someone to interview them. Yeah. Who did you hang out with? I worked with Sir Tim Rice once. Oh, yeah. Ages ago, and I really liked him. I felt like we were getting on, and at the end of the night he went,

lovely to meet you, I'm sure we'll cross paths again. Never seen him since. No. Probably five years ago. Cross paths, that does suggest that he's allowing a certain, he's not going to make it happen. No. Yes.

He was very nice. That's not, you know, give me your digits. You're right. As I believe a member of Blue once said to me back in the late 90s. Oh, yeah. Simon it was. Well, I...

I don't see a ring, give me your digits. The first time I met... Tim Rice, of course, is the man who told me that Michael Jackson had died. Oh. Sir Tim Rice. I is the man who told me that Michael Jackson had died Sir Tim Rice I think that in the long three in the morning

I won't ask we were in the long room darling wake up we were in the long room at Lord no he died about ten o'clock at night at our time I think

I think you're right let's hope for you yeah so I was in the long room at Lord's and Tim Rice said to me Michael Jackson has died yeah it's a good thing who told, Michael Jackson has died. Yeah.

It's a good thing. Who told you Michael Jackson died? It could be the new way we knew Kennedy was. Yes. Yeah. I don't know if we should have it as a texting. No. Unless it has to be a celebrity of some kind. 8, 12, 15 if you've got a good one, but not if you haven't.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't want Joe Jackson texting. It was a dead doctor guy. Yeah, I don't want Joe Jackson texting. It was that doctor guy. He said to me, some very... No, not to me. Conrad. Remember his quote,

some very suspicious, one minute he was live, next minute he was dead. Well, that's how it works, Joe. How much of a ramp were you anticipating there? Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were just talking about a phenomenon, Grecian 2000,

which was a thing that men used to put on their hair to get rid of the grey. And as you said, Al, it used to be, I mean, so heavily advertised on telly. It really was. And I'll tell you what, there's an advert which I don't see on telly now much at all.

An advert which is something you instinctively knew that when it was originally made, it wasn't in English. Do you know that kind of advert? made, it wasn't in English. Yeah. Do you know that's kind of adverts? They look a bit different as well. Can I just say the Ferrero Rocher had that quality to it as well. Yeah. It looked like it might have been sort of Swedish. I still see the occasional one for children's toys

on things like Nickelodeon, and you can tell they're like all Italian kids or stuff like that. And the child says, Daddy, I really like this so much. Yeah, exactly. But their mouth is moving differently like a Bruce Lee film. Yes. Well, early Bruce Lee films. You're right.

Let's not fall out of a Bruce Lee technicalities. There was enough drama over the mob. I will tell you once and only once, we are not sick men. Sorry, you're talking about you and Alan, are you in character here? That was from one of the proves late. Aye. Well, I'll tell you what I saw.

Have you seen these? Are they everywhere now? Sort of the dual gender green man. No. Oh, yes, I have green man. No. Oh, yes, I have seen those. Yeah. How come I haven't? In the Soho area.

Well, I saw it outside the Trafalgar Studios. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's, you know, normally the green man is like a figure. I know the green man. I'm familiar with his work. Yeah, briskly moving on, the green man. Once more with feeling. Well, now they've made it very science-y,

and it's green, but it's got... You know the arrow sticking out the circle and the cross sticking out the circle? They're either symbols for male and female. It's like a combo of that. And I think it's a protest about white should be a green man. Mm-hmm.

Maybe. Yeah. I'd be quite interested in seeing the green woman. Oh. Yeah. What about the green goblin? Yeah. Well, what a night that was.

I used to do this thing, I must have talked to this before, you know when you're walking around on your own and you just do things just for your own benefit there are some of those green man the circles with the green man in, that had like

small black Venetian blinds on them. Yes. Oh yeah. Do you know those are my favourite ones. And I always used to imagine, you know those cops drinking styrofoam cups in a parked car doing, I always used to imagine, you know those cops drinking styrofoam cups in a parked car? I always used to imagine that the green man was a bloke moving about in his flat and we were watching him through the blinds.

And then suddenly he disappears and the red man appears at the window like there's been a murder or something. Do you ever do that? When you're on the bus and you pretend that you're steering. And I just move my hands. In the last 30 years, I don't know. But no, Frank, I know what you mean. The Green Man, it did have the vibe of a bachelor pad,

an 80s bachelor pad. Yeah, exactly. Instead of Tom Cruise. Well, the black blinds is very 80s, isn't it? Oh, I mean, it's so 80s. It's the sort of thing, in fact, you would find discarded outside a property. Which is a shame.

It's pretty cool. That's possible. Man, how are you going to find green men piled up at the sides of costumes that are no longer available? That'll become a thing, like a medallion people wear the green man, or maybe a sort of stained glass window

at the Transport Museum. Please don't put a stained glass window of the green man. At the Transport Museum, that'd the stained glass window of the Green Man. At the Transport Museum, that would be brilliant, wouldn't it? Imagine there's some poles. 497, Mick in Sunderland has offered a reason why there may not be a green woman thus far. Morning gang, the green woman is, of course,

grotbags to anyone over 35. Oh, from, what was that programme? She was from... Well, exactly. No, hang on a sec, Cracker Jack, was it? Or something like that, no, Rod Hallonimu. Was it? She was on Rod Hallonimu. I'm not going to pretend. I know the name, Gropbags, but I can't place her.

I always used to look at that woman. I just can't place her. You do know Gropbags. I don't think I've used the phrase, I can't play someone for 20 years. And you know what? It's made me feel good. Yes. I'm surprised someone hasn't already texted

where Gropbags is from. I think Gropbags may have passed. Yeah. But again, it's a fictional character. Well, the lady who played her. Well, that, you know, yeah. But the fictional character is, of course, timeless. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 8-12-15. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email us via the Absolute Radio website. I thought I'd take a sort of a sergeant major approach. It sounded very Colonel who's retired to Bogner

and still shouts at his wife now. I bet there aren't many. Telegraph! There can't be many of those. Alexa, Alexa, telegraph! Because he lives alone now. His wife died a couple of years ago and he still sets two places for those. No, Alexa. Alexa, telegram. Because he lives alone now. His wife died a couple of years ago and yet he still sets two places for breakfast.

It's tragic. We knew one of those colonels. I think he was one of the last remaining of that breed. Like the colonel in Fawlty Towers or the Major. I bet he wasn't remaining. No, he certainly wasn't. There can't be many left. He lived in Bognor, of course he did,

and he would say things like, right, I think we're all very tired now, and we'd all have to go to bed. Oh, brilliant. Laughed him. Anyway. On the subject of communicating with us, 604 has texted.

You were talking about the, I suppose, the gender-neutral symbols for the Green Man crossing in Trafalgar Square. 604 has said, I work at Trafalgar Square. They put those gender symbols in for pride two years ago. I thought at the time, this is great, they can change them for events, but they've never changed them back.

Not sure whether people like them or just because someone forgot. I like the idea that that's how change happens. We've got birthday cards up that we just haven't taken down. We've still got a sparkly pink reindeer that's been up on our shelf for about three years. Oh, yes, I've spotted that reindeer. I thought it was an eccentric interiors decision.

No, we've just never taken it down. It's never gone back in the box with the other trimmings. As David Baddiel once said when he came into your house, an eccentric interiors decision. No, it was just, we're just never taking it down from, it's never gone back in the box with the other trimmings. As David Baddiel once said when he came into your house, will it always be like this? I know it is, I just looked around. We've also got divided opinion on whether or not... I love divided opinion. Well, you say that, but it's quite polarising.

It's grotbags based. Grotbags was 058. Hi, Frank and the gang. I think Groppbags was from Rent-A-Ghost. Great show. Well, that was my first thought, but I think there was a ghost, someone who was very similar to Groppbags.

Excuse me, there was a witch and she was Scottish and she was called Nadia Popolowski or something. Bless you. I appreciate that's not correct. Please correct me. 690 has said, Grotbag's Emu's World. I still use the song,

There's Somebody at the Door. I didn't know that was where that came from. There used to be a... Rod Hall and Emu, they used to have a thing called Happy House or something like that. And the theme tune was ordered laughter. So it used to... the theme tune would go,

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And I thought, imagine if somebody actually laughed like that. What a terrible social disability it would be. Awful person to hang around with. I'm going to start doing that now oh imagine if someone went to your gig and you just heard that exactly i know it would kill a gig wouldn't it yeah it would it would be uh i don't know if the queen left like it you know when she has to do like laughing yeah the people? She might do it to the tune of God Saves the Queen as well.

Oh, that would be a bit self-obsessed. Yeah. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Forgotten all about that. I'm putting it down as one of the great theme tunes of all time. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'd like to talk to you about Tom Holland now, the movie star.

I know, yeah. Not the history writer. Oh, no, his father. Oh, you know Dominic? Yes, Dominic. Do you both know Dominic? I've got Dominic Holland, comedian, yes. That's the thing, you probably know him as Dominic Holland's son rather than Spider-Man. I think of him as Dominic Holland's son rather than

Spider-Man I think of him as Dominic Holland's son yeah he's done well for himself I think he got a part in

Billy Elliot the music he did he was one of the Billy Elliot remember they have kids in a thing

they had to have three Dominic Holland's son was one of those cheeky girls momager pretty much yeah that's what's happened very on that you mean Was Dominic Holland some sort of cheeky girl's momager? Pretty much, yeah.

That's what's happened. Very on that. You mean Margie? That was the name of their mom. But no, it's that Tom Holland that we're going to discuss, not the history writer who I've interviewed several times and he's very interesting. I've just read he's Athelstan.

Have you? I thought you might be a fan. In the English monarch series. I was thinking it'd be up your street. And not Tom Hollander either, star of TV's Rev, which was based on Reverend Richard Coles, a few more later. Is that right? And not Xavier Hollander, who I think... We can't just keep mentioning Hollands.

I have an idea. Now I've said that, I think it might have been an adult film star. Not Habbo Xavier, the Liverpool player. Anyway. Now we've established who it's not. Tom Holland, movie star, he said that... And not Holland, it's not this is like Tom Holland movie star he said that he not Holland

no no it's the Netherlands do you know that Jean-Paul Sartre played No Way Out this is what this feels like I don't know that I'll be straight with you

okay other people are hell it's called the translation is Huy Clo I believe you're having a nut on air Frank

I'm sorry I forgot I forgot a nut on air, Frank. I'm sorry. I forgot we was on air. I'm talking about John Paul Sox, right, and he's having a nut on air. Yeah. Come on. Not the first time Absolutes had a nut on air,

you know what I'm saying? Probably not meant to now. Come on, get on with the Spider-Man thing. He is Spider-Man. Well, you've given away now that he's Spider-Man. Oh, yeah. Big spoiler alert there. Sorry, everyone. He said that when he wears the Spider-Man costume...

You can see him on the net. Do you notice I say Spider-Man? Yeah, I did notice that. What, it's like his surname? Yeah. Come on. If he wears the full Spider-Man costume, he can't even scratch an itch that he gets he's he's head to yeah i read that but i don't understand why you can't scratch if you're

um if you're covered in cloth you can still scratch i think he's worried about ripping it is that what it is um as a closed thing. Be gentle. Be gentle with me. No, it's because, have you seen these suits up close? No. Oh. Well, I've seen, I have seen some up close. Right, so they're not, it's not like the sort of thin lycra, is it? It's not like that very thin gym lycra.

It's almost industrial strength. Industrial lycra. You couldn't, if you itched it, you wouldn't penetrate. Is that right? Good info. I think if I was wearing a dense leather overcoat, I could still do some scratching just by pushing its inner surface against my outer surface. Sure.

Because there would be a gap between the full length leather Ron Atkinson and the thigh, say. Okay. Whereas in the case of the Spider-Man suit, it's very hard wearing industrial strength fibre right next to the skin. I'm still not... I need to try one on, really. Okay, the Doubting

Thomas is... What about the corner of a table or something, though? Surely if he was to get a table corner... Oh, that's a good look, like some strange cat on heat. I can understand if he was trapped... Robbing up against a table. If he got trapped in a soft play centre, he'd be in a dilemma, he'd never be able to do it.

Yeah. The great thing about... When he first becomes Spider-Man in the movie, he makes his own... Have you seen them? Yeah. I don't know if I in the movie he he makes his own have you seen them yeah he makes his own outfit and it's called it's like a tracksuit top with a spider and stuff and it because that's what it would have been like in the comics yeah it seems that every person who gets superpowers also gets his default seamstress skills where they can make this incredible outfit.

Good point. But he makes a very makeshift sort of outfit, which is brilliant. Does it look baggy? Is it a bit... Yeah, it's a bit too baggy. Chelsea Dog out. Sorry, an attraction.

It looks like a teenager has made a superhero costume. I mean, I suppose they thought, well, obviously we can't stick with this because it's not sexy enough. So have you seen this film? I haven't seen the brand new one. I've seen Homecoming and I've seen him in the Avengers.

We could go and see it together. I've not seen any of them with him in it, I don't think. He's brilliant. Can I say that? I'm not saying that because he's Dominic Holland. He's the best Spider-Man there has been in my opinion. Really? Because he's more like the one in the comic,

a sort of a slightly dorky teenager kid, and the other one's, you know. Once they did that thing where they did a, was it Spider-Man 2, where there's a... Sorry, we're still on air. Oh, sorry. Yeah, sorry about that, everyone. We've had a text that I don't quite understand 082 has texted

Hi, the quote you referred to is Jean-Paul Sartre Hell is other people No, okay If I could just leap in here I was referring to the play No Exit, Huy Clow. It was turned into a play, that quote. Jean-Paul Sartre wrote a play called No Exit.

I don't think we should be doing Jean-Paul Sartre. I always see that as Dave Barry's area. Yeah. We divvy it up, don't we? Yeah, I feel that we were sort of straying a bit. Says the man who has an AE houseman alert. Oh, no, it's going to go off. Yeah, keep it English.

President of the Samuel Johnson Society. Again, English. Oh, for goodness sake. So we were discussing Tom Holland's Spider-Man. Spider-Man. And he's's been I'm going to say it he's been complaining somewhat in a media way about the wearing of the suit

because he can't scratch an itch and when he's got the full suit on he can't stop for breaks he has to plan a toilet break 45 minutes in advance. That's an interesting idea, that. Yes. Well, I think it's a transferable skill for

high mileage driving. I think it would be alright. If he's ever down on his luck, he's got that to fall back on. See, if ever I'm driving Kath, my partner anyway, she doesn't drink that morning which i think is a real not a good thing to do oh so yeah or on train she'll do the same thing right to avoid going to the barden simmer well she doesn't like locking the door on the toilet

and if you go on the train and you don't lock the door obviously people are liable to walk in so it's a night i've had to stand outside women's toilets and toilet just standing there and people say excuse me can i get no say now there's someone in there it's an excuse that you've come up with yeah tough job but someone's got to do it right exactly he said so he has this tube placed through one of the spider eye holes, Frank? Yeah. Didn't like that. Saw a picture. No, I didn't like that. Gross. One of the things he says is, he says if you want to do things like if you want to eat gum,

I have to drop the gum down through the eye hole. And I thought, well, what about when you're getting the gum out must be the problem if you're very sticky. He does a headstand. You don't think he's a swallower of gum.

I think he might be. I mean, he's broken every rule of my childhood. My mum was absolutely insistent that if you swallow chewing gum, it gums your insides up and you die. They said your bones will stick together. Was that your version? Well, I was told that and I thought, well, that sounds good. That means I won't break my bones.

It's interesting your childhood, though, isn't it, Frank? There was quite prohibitive rules about swallowing chewing gum, but you did munch on raw sausages. That is true. And leave the table without asking. There was many other rules that were somewhat ignored. If Tom Holland said he'd been feeding raw sausages through his eye hole, I wouldn't have batted a spider eyelid.

Spider eyelid. The spider eyes aren't very nice. Do they have eyelid spiders? They've got lovely eyes, actually. One of our many science questions. Do spiders have eyelids? Well, it's zoology. Spiders have lovely eyes.'s zoology Spiders have lovely eyes

Do they? Very hypnotising The Spider-Man Spider-Man on the other hand Don't like those eyes They're more like fly eyes They're very gauzy They're not

That eye I think that started by Lee Foulkes, the Phantom character, way back, is eyes where there's eye holes but just blank, no sign of any kind of eye. And it must have been quite hard to do that with real people. Or is it gauze?

I think it's glass, he says. Glass? He says it's glass in the article. What kind of talk is this? Glass eyes on Spiderman? This is what I mean about the heaviness of the fabric. Oh, by the way, the other chewing gum thing, the people used to say that if you chew gum,

your stomach thinks that food is on the way because you're chewing, and so it starts creating digestive juices. That's what people say. So the digestive juices are scampering about your stomach area, going, where is it? Where is it? We're all set now. We're at our top acidity.

Oh, they start rearing their heads like a tapeworm. Yeah, I think they do. They rise up. What's your worst animal minus tapeworm? Is that an animal? I suppose it's part of the animal game. I wouldn't have it as a pet. My worst animal, I would say, is the horse.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Really cynical bullies. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Tom Holland, we've been talking about his Spider-Man suit. Tom Holland.

He says he has... Tom Holland and Tom Holland and Tom Holland creeps in this petty pace day after day to the last syllable of recorded time. Sorry, carry on. And all our yesterdays are lighted fools. That's the next bit. We needed someone who sounds a bit like yesterdays

to come in there, another film star. Yeah. What was I talking about? Jean-Paul Sartre. He sometimes, Tom Holland, he says he's even found a way, we're talking about putting stuff through the eye holes.

Of the mask, we should say. Yeah, of the mask. Not actually through his eye sockets. Don't do that. He's found a way to get a Kit Kat through there, to eat a Kit Kat. Now, this worries me.

Sponsored post. Why? Oh, yeah. You've got cynicism about it. Well, the cynical horse. I love that pub. Oh, you think it's a bit... No, he doesn't need the money.

He's doing well. Anthea and Grant eating that thing at the wedding. The plague. Yeah. If, what if you drop it? What if you drop that Kit Kat? What, down inside the outfit? Oh, and then it's like a lump on Spider-Man's face.

Well, it's not just a lump on the face. That Kit Kat, I'm just thinking it could melt. If you sit down, yeah. It could be confusing if you dropped a Twix down there. Yeah. With great power comes great incontinence. We don't want that. Yeah. The bit I don great incontinence. We don't want that. Yeah.

The bit I don't get for this whole story... He's got twigs in his eye sticking out of his eye hole. Terrifying. The bit I don't get is that even the news story

in the paper that I read had a picture of Tom Holland as Spider-Man in the sort of up to the collar Spider-Man suit. Yeah. So is it a different suit from that one?

Because why can't they just make Spider-Man a suit that has the pull-on mask like it has in the films? Yeah, it does have pull-on masks. So why can't they just take the hat off and he can have a snack? Well, exactly. It's a very good part. Don't get it. It's as if he's made up the whole damn thing. It's just to promote Kit Kats.

Because they need to do it for all sorts of reasons. Is that it? Is that your answer? Okay. Thank you, Boris. I have been watching a lot of politicians, and these are the kind of... Exactly, they give responses like that.

There are all sorts of ways I'm going to do this. I think that's a good question. What? Why doesn't he just take his... Is it CGI related? Yeah, I've got a theory that... Tom Holland, Tom Holland, I love you, Tom Holland. But why don't you take your tar part?

No, not tar part. Sorry, can we do that again? Can we do that again, Paul? What are you doing? Hold on, I'm just recording. I can't hear him. There's no one there. No, it's...

Here's a question for you. Superman made his... Do you know how he got his outfit, Superman? Remember, he arrived on Earth fired from a Krypton that was sort of being destroyed destroyed oh marlon vando was his dad that's right yeah well when he when he lands he's just a small baby in a capsule so how does he get his costume well what he does is he uses his baby blankets are red and blue

oh he's so clever and he uses those but why How does it grow? Well, yeah, it must have been stretchy, the baby blanket. And also he's obviously able to cot it, which the idea is that it's sort of invulnerable. But maybe he could do it with his super heat. He could have given the Hulk a hand with his serrated trouser leg problem. But if you stand back and imagine trying to make a sexy suit out of your baby blankets, I think you get an idea of the task in hand. Why do you think that started, that tradition of the superhero in Lycra?

I think it's because you want to show that they're muscles is the thing, isn't it? You want to show that they're strong and male. And then when female here, like the first female Captain Marvel, when she was called Ms. Marvel, do people still call themselves, do you call yourself Ms. Emily Dean? I don't know, but I do know that if we've got no other listeners, at least Jonathan Ross will still be listening to this.

Do I call myself Ms.? Yeah. Depends who's asking. Is it still a thing though, Miz? Yes, it is, yes. Yeah, she wore like a crop top and bikini bottoms and a long, like a silk scarf. I mean, times have certainly changed.

For the best. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. Ultra Magnus Ultra Magnus he has Ultra Magnus

this is a person yes it's a superhero that used to host Mastermind it's a non-deplu Ultra Magnus who would you say

was the friendliest most sort of open handed quiz show host of all time? 8, 12, 15. I'd say it was Magnanimous Magnanimous. I didn't realise you were setting up one of your jokes. Oh, one of your jokes. He's a joker, isn't he?

Now I feel if this was a 70s variety show, you'd have to go into an impression. You'd have to rifle in the suitcase. Or a song. Oh, a song. Don't laugh at me, because I'm a fool. They all sang like that. Actually, Ultra Magnus is MK Knight,

who's one of our regulars, an engineer. MK Knight says, Superman's outfit is only invulnerable because of its proximity to Superman's skin. Are you with me? You're right. Once distanced from him, it can be cut like a normal fabric.

Is that right? Okay, so how did he make his outfit? Yeah, because it would have been near him, wouldn't it? Unless he's got... I suppose if he'd got some really long scissors and a very, very long needle. Or a sideline where he's running like a sweatshop and he just leaves it with them and then goes off.

Yeah, I've seen Superman running a sweatshop. A sort of Mike Baldwin figure. Yeah, I'd feel uneasy about that. I'd like that episode where he has an argument with them about the elastic not being too small in the pants. What about when he gets shot? Is it him that gets shot or maybe the other man

calls him an idiot because they couldn't swear on ITV? They nearly all get shot. You idiot. There was a thing once about, do you remember on Coronation Street and it was the first sort of transgender wedding and Hayley married Roy. Roy Cropper.

And it said that the local press had turned up because, you know, this slimy journalist, because she was a transgender person. And in The Guardian it said, what the local press man should have done is commented on the fact that there was nine women in the congregation whose husbands had died violent deaths. That was a really big story.

So where were we? Tom Holland. Oh, Spider-Man. I'm going to be honest with you. Go on. This story has really made me change one of my thoughts about my future. Because Tom Holland says that he can't eat on set.

The most he's managed is a Kit Kat. And I'm no expert expert but I've done a tiny little bit of filming and one of the true joys of being on set as they say is that somebody constantly comes up and asks you if you want anything, do you want a tea, do you want a drink do you want some food

so I've decided to rule myself out of playing Spider-Man and having a Hollywood career If one of us was going to play Spider-Man, you're in the frame. One of the three of us. I think they might be picking from a slightly deeper pool of people. I could play Spider-Man, open brackets, if he'd lived.

Close brackets. You know, Spider-Man sitting at the end of a bar with the costume still on, but just drinking and looking haggard. People say, of course, that's Spider-Man. That's how some of the Wolverine-type films start. Who am I? I'm going to have to be the old bag who looks after him.

Oh, no, aren't you, mate? I'd be happy not, mate. Do you know, aren't you, mate? No, but thanks for the tip. Yeah. You know I'm not. No, but thanks for the tip. Yeah.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I tell you what, text the show on 8-12-15 and we'll probably read it out and it'll be sausage meat from which we will make elegant sausages. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, but make sure you get your office chair properly adjusted,

otherwise you'll get repetitive strain syndrome. You can do that at Frank on the radio, or you can email the show, which is free, and sort of dips under the price wire of the £50 text. So you can do that via the Absolute Radio website. It's all there for you, laid out before you, like a, what's it called? A flat lay.

Oh, a flat lay. Like a flat lay. A flat lay of opportunities. What is a flat lay, Frank? A flat lay is a picture of a series of objects associated with a certain theme. You could say this was in my handbag and just lay them all out and take a photo.

And where do you put it up, Frank? You put it up on Instagram. Yes, yes, yes. So cute. I've actually done it with my intestine this morning. Well, what happened was you said... I wish I'd done it on a non-porous surface because I've picked up quite a bit of fluff from the carpet.

Blow it off. What would your flat lay be? You'd have something from the Samuel Johnson. You'd have some sort of first edition. I have a first edition of Johnson's Journey to the Western Islands. That'll be worth a bit. Of course it does. He's doing all right, though.

And then maybe my medal of when I was president of the Johnson Society. Oh, OK. Is it all Johnson-related, the flat lay? No, I'm just thinking if it was going to be a Johnson flat lay, which I doubt anyone's done yet, a Samuel Johnson. Well, when you say Johnson and medal, I'm afraid my thoughts go elsewhere. I think of disgraced former sprinter, 100-metre sprinter, Ben Johnson. When you say Johnson and medal, I'm afraid my thoughts go elsewhere. I think of disgraced former sprinter, 100-metre sprinter, Ben Johnson. OK, well, what's the flat lay going to be then?

It's going to be like all packets of... Oh, dear. If I was doing a flat lay... You don't want an ephedrine flat lay. If I was doing a flat lay, it'd be all the bargains I've had from Marks and Spencers over the years. It'd be a St Michael flat lay. St Michael! That. St Michael.

That's absolutely tremendous. Shut up. Absolutely tremendous. I have to say, I don't know how many likes you'd get, though, if you did really do it. I don't know how well that would go with the Gen Zers. Don't think they're like a pun about an Irish dancer. It wouldn't be the most famous Michael Flatley thing on the internet.

Let's put it that way. Can I tell you a bit about what happened to me this week? Okay. I sent Ray to the dog hotel, first of all. Ray to the dog hotel. I'd seen it online and I like the look of it. Nice. It's fabulous. It's almost like a

private members club in Somerset. You send them off there, they pick them up. Is it a kennel, though, essentially? No, well, not really. How vulgar. It's not. It's all lovely. They have cream argers and all farrow and ball paint. It's called the Country Dog Hotel.

They pick them up in a range rover. They keep the dog theme. Oh, with rover, yeah. Yeah, rover. Because, I mean, if you turn up in a Jaguar, you'd taste it. Yeah. That was great.

Just not let it in. But I was getting... What's so strange is I was seeing on Instagram pictures of Ray. There's a picture of Les Dennis with Ray. Really? Well, yeah. Does he work there?

It's quite... LAUGHTER Tom Holland's going to do long-distance driving, so maybe Les Dennis is the wind-up. Les Dennis is running a dog hotel there. That's awful. He's not running the dog hotel. I think he was involved because Ray was also photographed with Lorraine Kelly.

Her dog goes there. David Gandy's dog goes there. But you weren't there for the factory. No, human beings aren't allowed in the dog hotel. Well, what's Les Dennis? Not even across the threshold. Has Les Dennis been exposed as an alien? He's a canine.

Yeah? Wow. He was allowed... I think they were dropping Lorraine's dog back. Angus was being dropped back. And Les Dennis might... They might have been there as well. I don't know.

Absolutely. Madness. Goodness. Anyway, that's not the point of the story. But can you tell me about it? The point of the story is Reverend Richard Coles from the Commodores. What are their rooms like? As the neighbours called him, they said, we thought you were from the Commodores.

He said, no, the Communards. They said, oh, that's why we were surprised. Okay. They said that. They said, we didn't think you looked like that. I know. What are the rooms like in the dog hotel? Do they have beds and stuff like that in the hotel room?

Yeah. They ask you, because he was sharing with Lorraine Kelly's dog, Ray, which I was fine about. I was very happy because I like Lorraine. What? It's like football as it's away games. Wow.

Do they have a communal bath as well, the dogs? They do. What? But they ask you before and they say, do you want a spa treatment for him?

And I said, may as well. How many seconds do you think are between the door being closed and the dog empty in the minibar sweets and chocolates?

That white, that white, the Toblerone, the knots in the jar. And he'll put the hotel TV on. Do you think they'll have that? The shortbread on the tea-making facilities tray. Oh, man, they'll be straight in. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I was telling you about Ray went to the dog hotel.

Yeah, I've been showing you some pictures. Lovely. They get a choice, as I say, of the room, or sometimes they just go on the sofa arm. Ray's more of a sofa arm kind of guy. Sofa arm? Yeah. I spent a lot of time on the sofa arm as a child.

I used to put a cushion over it. Yeah. And then I'd watch westerns on the telly in full cowboy outfit as if I was on horseback. Oh. Yeah. That's nice. You didn't...

Oh, uncomfortable, the cowboy outfit to sleep in. The sheriff's badge as well. Oh, no, you weren't the sheriff. You were the... I didn't sleep. No, I was a Wild West old-timer. You sure had a tough day

today, Sheriff? Nothing's changed. No, exactly. So while Ray was in the dog hotel with Lorraine Kelly's dog and rather severely hanging out with Les Dennis... I still don't get that bit. No.

Well, they would... I mean, he was a major star, Les. I remember when... No, I know, he's not working in a dog hotel. Debbie Harry did a tribute song all about him. Oh, Denis Denis. You know, Americans often get the pronunciation wrong. No, but what was he doing?

He was dropping his dog off. No, I don't know. I think he was... He was doing cabaret. He was doing cabaret for the dog. Just say yes and move him along. Imagine if he'd been hired to do cabaret for the dog. Imagine seeing a photo on Instagram

of Les Dennis doing a cabaret and there's just like 40 dogs in the building. That would be an expensive book. Well, you say that, but imagine if you got the call next week. Well, it's just like 40 dogs in the building. That would be an expensive book. Well you say that but imagine if you got the call next week. Well it'd be an experience, it'd be good to talk about on the show. Yes. So while

Ray was hanging out with the Celeb Dogs I was, I went to Northampton to visit a priest. Had to go and see... I think I'd have to go to confession having dropped my dog off at the dog hotel.

I went to go and see... Well, come on. I think we even each other out after some of your behaviour in the 90s, but there you go. Never at the dog hotel. No, you preferred to Premier Inns, didn't you? I went to see a man of God about a dog.

So I was interviewing him, the Reverend Richard Cole. Are you familiar with his work? Yes, of course. He did Strictly, didn't he? He did do Strictly. That's how I know him. And I think occasional appearances on The Moral Maze, I think. He went out St strictly, fairly swiftly. Is that about the Prime Minister's family, The Moral Maze? Yes.

It's them going out and saying things like, I don't think you should do that, actually. But he's in the... I think it might have been my first time inside a vicarage, Frank. Oh, OK. I liked it. Nice. Frank, you're an old-timer at the vicarage, aren't you?

Well, I'm immediately reminded of the Ken Dodd joke. Yeah, go on. Remember that? What a day! What a day for shoving a cucumber through the vicar's letterbox and shouting, the Martians have landed! One of his, I think, one of the greatest jokes shouting the Martians have landed. One of his I think one of the greatest jokes

in the history of British common. Rev Richard Coles lives with his partner David who is also a priest. They have a civil partnership. And he and David said to me, the other priest he said, well they get two for the price of one in the vicarage. It's a bog off.

Which is true. Because if one can't do, can't officiate, the other one can. All right, like a sub. Yes. He's an Anglican, though. Do you know what that is, Frank? I do know what it is. Okay, that's different to your one, isn't it?

I guess. You know what? I guess they weren't Catholic. Well, I said, you're different to Catholic. I said, I think of Catholic. He said, well, at first I was a Catholic, he said, because I liked the glamour of it. Oh, yeah.

I said, yeah, it's like the Versace one. Right. That's what I compared it to. But yeah, they've got five sausage dogs. Wow. Pongo, Daisy, Audrey, Horatio, and Willie, I think it was. If I had five sausage dogs, I would have to constantly keep them in a chain gang

so that they were like a toy train. You want to keep them together. You want a string of sausage dogs, don't you? I find it annoying that they've got five when sausages come in packs of six. I know that is. Just get one more so that you've got a packet of... That is it.

But the temptation when they're all lying together to get a fork and just go... I know. Oh, man. And they hate that, apparently. They really don't like that. I've heard they don't like a fork in the ribcage. The Dachshunds.

Make some... Do you know that thing when they're very suddenly dogs? They're like, oh! That kind of bark. Oh! Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So it was my first internal vicarage, I think.

Okay, yeah. I think I've done external. I said as we drove up, there was a big sign saying vicarage. I said, I think I've done external. I said as we drove up, there was a big sign saying vicarage. I said, oh, spoiler alert. Yeah. And I knew I was going to get on with the Rev because he laughed. And I love a Rev with a G-S-O-H. That's good. And yeah, he was

based on Tom Hollander in Rev, exclamation mark, perhaps. He was based on Rev Richard Coles no yes really

yes there you go good info I know oh he had loads of good info did not know that he said he should have been like

a mad car bloke shouldn't he then they've had a pun on Rev and Reverend that should have that should have they should have done

they'd spoke to me before all when you think of all the puns the missed opportunities for wonderful puns yes it's heartbreaking there was a nice bit when the producer was she was putting my, you call it a mic pack don't you which you clasp onto the back

of you and she I was wearing a long flowing dress hadn't thought it through nowhere to clip it onto with your sort of I was wearing a long flowing dress. Hadn't thought it through. Nowhere to clip it onto with your sort of... It's sort of like a big industrial paper clip essentially, isn't it? Yeah. So I'm afraid she had to put it on my undergarments. Did she?

Yes, the bottom undergarments. Oh, really? And the rev said, oh, don't mind me, don't worry, I'll look away. I said, do you know, I've never felt safer for so many reasons. I mean, he ticked a lot of boxes on the safe front. He saw plenty of those when he was working at Superman's sweatshop. He had some great Communards stories. Or, yeah, as I said, they thought...

Did he have Communards memorabilia on the Vicarage Wall? Gold records or the like? No, it was more priestly memorabilia on the Vicarage Wall? Gold records or the like? No, it was more priestly memorabilia, which I like. There was some lovely, I mean, I think the Communards, I think he did quite well out of the Communards, one would imagine. What, with the... He did say at one point in his life he remembered buying a speedboat and then he just left it there.

He thinks it's still there. Like Jermaine Pennant leaving a Porsche in Europe somewhere. Yeah, and those people who won speedboats on Bullseye probably did a similar thing. And then the minor key when they didn't. One thing he did say, which I just quite liked, Frank, because I know you're surrounded by atheism a lot of the time. Who is it?

Frank is. Is he? Yes, we're atheists. But he did say to me, he said he finds that people, I understood it a bit more. He taught me something because he said, what it's like, he said, when people see me, I feel they start behaving a bit like they're driving,

they're observing the 20 mile an hour speed limit. That's how I see my role. I bet it wasn't like that when he was a communal. It must be a nice way to go through life. Yeah. People changing their behaviour because you're there. You don't think you do that with your bullying manner? What, you think I'm like this at home?

Tense and having to watch everything I say. So I've got a priest as a friend. Lovely. I'm going to go up there and stay the other reason I liked him are you going to take him to Newcastle we're going to have to have a night out frying pan and fire

that's where we'll go the reason I really loved him is he told me that when he came out to his mother he said he did that by playing Tom Robinson's Glad to be Gay and she said darling are you trying to tell me something oh I like that story When he came out to his mother, he said he did that by playing Tom Robinson's Glad to be Gay. And she said, darling, are you trying to tell me something? Oh.

I like that story. I did a similar thing when I passed my driving test. I played 2468 Motorway to my mum. Did you? Yeah. It's a small world, isn't it? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about this geezer in Brighton?

Narrow it down, pal. Narrow it down. Geezer in Brighton. This geezer in Brighton is in all the papers this week. Zach. I think you mean

Zach Pinsent. I do. That's exactly who I mean. Who I thought I was going to dislike and I really, really Zach Pinsent. I do. That's exactly who I mean. Who I thought I was going to dislike and I really really liked him. He's a character. Aye.

He identifies as being from the 1820s. I'm not sure if he's just pulling our leg on that bit but I like the fact that he only wears clothes with historical accuracy. Yeah, so he's basically a Regency dandy.

Yes. But I mean all the time, as far as we can tell. He doesn't own any modern clothing. What about if he goes for a kick around or swimming? I don't think he's much of a kick around or swimming kind of character. But I did see that, I looked at his Instagram and he's much of a kick-around or swimming kind of character. But I did see that... I looked at his Instagram and he's got some people saying,

what do you wear when you work out? Yeah. And he hasn't seemed to answer that. Yeah. How would he work out? Some sort of mangle contraption, maybe. I don't think he'd use modern. You can't see him in the treadmill in that hat.

Nothing. He couldn't go on anything modern. Presumably he can't get the ball well i think he still uses um modern technology i think he just thinks that clothes should uh speak about him in a in a sort of historical fashion he looks amazing he looks amazing when i read it i thought to myself i should have told you pinson this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. I don't know what that's a reference to. Does anybody else?

I do. Vincent. Vincent. His name's Vincent. Yeah. Vincent, Starry Night. Oh, I see. God, it wasn't a complex.

I'm very slow on the uptick. He burnt his last pair of jeans aged 14. Okay, I see he's taken a regency approach to recycling as well. A lot of people have been glad of those jeans, but they've gone... He burnt them. I mean, that explains the Incredible Hulks, the state of his. Maybe he bought them from the charity shop. I bet he's burnt them a few times.

The trade edges. I'll tell you something about that reminds me I saw I think I mentioned this recently the actual show I saw Quentin Crisp live off Broadway and he was talking about

his life and he adopted a style which looked like a sort of Victorian literary figure lots of velvet. And he said the thing is, once you've found your style, what you must do is get rid of everything that doesn't coincide with that. So if you decide I'm going to be dressed like a Wild West old-timer, you've got to get rid of all your tracksuit bottoms and everything,

and anything in your house that doesn't fit with that thing. And he says the style has to absolutely take over. I wonder what this, does this guy, do you think, live in like a modern flat? It'd be interesting to know. Well, it was interesting. I saw a photo

of him with his peers and he had the sort of, you know... What, in Brighton? Oh, very good. Both of them. With both his peers. He was with like four or five friends and they had the standard garb of the youth.

Did they? Yes and he had the top hat and the tailored jacket and he looked absolutely marvellous. This is what lottery winners should be forced to wear. You don't think you just won the lottery and that's what you do. Frank, can you explain your theory in case people don't know this? No, I think if you win the lottery, in order to get the money,

you have to agree to wear a top hat in public for the rest of your life so you can be identified as a lottery winner. What, is this a shame? I have to say, this this guy I thought he looked great yeah and he looks even better when in the group shot where he's with people

in modern dress yes he does because he does he looks like he's been cut out yeah and stuck in the 21st century

yes that's what he's basically been photoshopped and I say this he's also I think quite funny he put up on his Instagram

that his Instagram's gone mad like he's got loads of followers now. It's good that he's got an Instagram It's slightly jarring isn't it for somebody with such an interest in history but he said He said sir, he is on 1200 a year

He said no I'm not single, please stop asking. So he's just, he's great. He's very good. He's throwing some Darcy shade. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he is.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What do we think of the, this character, the Regency chap? Zach Pinsent. I love Zach. Although he did say, I keep getting comments in the street

that it looks like I'm going to meet Jacob Rees-Mogg. The response is almost always completely positive. That's nice. I don't know if those people were being positive, though. Do you think he might have been misunderstanding some sarcasm there? No, I think, though, he's in Brighton, and Brighton, I think, is an accepting place of difference of all kinds. So he's lucky there, I would say.

When I say lucky, he's probably chosen. And also, he's the home of Regency. People probably assume he's one of those actors that can't get theatre work, so they're standing outside at a fight, saying, good day to you, sir, and welcome those poor blokes and women who have to act sort of on the hoof like that. So the London Dungeon ones.

Yeah, they used to have, when they had the moving picture image museum on the South Bank, they used to be like, come on, we've got to get this movie made, and all that, and oh, my goodness. It really made me very angry. Because they'd say, you, sir, do you want to get this movie made and all that. Oh, my goodness. It really made me very angry. Because they'd say, you, sir, do you want to be in a movie?

And you're supposed to act back or not act back. I'd have to say, can you speak to my management before I do any acting back? Yeah, I do. I need this to be broken. How dare you? My mother would always say when we'd pass them, she'd say, three years at RADA for that.

Well, this chap, I think it should be worth pointing out, Frank, he not only wears historical clothes, he also is a tailor. He makes them himself. Oh, I didn't know that. I think you're much yearned for over the years cape. Yes. We may have found the maker of it. Oh, he could certainly not knock

me off he could rustle you up a cape yeah we're thinking about russell grant you up a cape but if i went for a historic i don't i wouldn't because you find people do you see skinheads about and teddy boys so there are people doing it they're just not going back quite as far as him. I've got a lot of friends that wear 1960s mod kind suits. Well, I would say I would put you in that. I would put you in... On occasion. I think I could be a suede head. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Stonesday Press, Lofus, Crombie. Yeah. You're both staying quite recent. You see, I would plunge right back into history. I would go American Civil War. How dare you? I'm not talking about my actual birth time.

I would go American Civil War, Southern Belle. Well, I fiddle-de-dee. Oh, I can see that. Mr Skinner, I do declare, I leave you gentlemen. It looks elaborate, though, that behaviour's getting...'s getting oh yeah like it takes two minutes now well i'd say i'd say it takes about three and a half for me to get ready in the morning yes but we're all different you know that also it must have been even hotter in the in the in the south and then they're wearing all those layers of gingham. I mean some of them are gingham vests

those southern belts. But some of the Clark Gable look, that's not too dissimilar to the Regency. Yeah but imagine that slim moustache soaking up the sweat on a day like this. It'd be sodden. Absolutely sodden.

Anyway there we are, costume through the ages here on Absolute Radio, where real material matters. Thanks for listening to us this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, which is unlikely the way the weather is, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!