The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Mock Crocs

Episode Date: December 14, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been trending on Twitter and has a technical question about a gift he’s received. Steven Moffat also joins the team to discuss the new BBC One adaptation of ‘Dracula’.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Oh yes. Can I ask you guys a question? Sure. I... I've been...

Can I just say, I didn't say the word sure until working with Emily, and now I say it all the time. It's my greatest ever legacy. I was in Jersey on Wednesday night doing a gig. Was that the Bergerac one? Was he Guernsey? I don't know.

It's Graham Lasseau. That's how I always think of it. Jersey's Graham Lasseau and I think Guernsey's Matt Letizia. Oh, I think Bergerac is Jersey. Okay. That's funny. Anyway, someone on stage shouted out... Hang on.

Surely you were on stage. No, no, I was on stage. Oh, God on. Surely you were on stage. No, no, I was on stage. Oh, God, I've got it very wrong. I did shout out quite a lot, but only in pain. Oh. Oh, no. No. And it was lovely.

And someone shouted out... I mentioned that I'd done the Royal Variety performance, which went out on Tuesday night. Mm-hm. And this woman shouted, Oh, God, I was worried this was going to come up. on Tuesday night. And this woman shouted, tuck your shirt in. Oh, God, I was worried this was going to come up. And I thought, I checked out,

and my shirt was tucked in. So I said, it is tucked in, and it got a laugh. And then after, I forgot about it. I didn't. And then the next morning, I spoke to my manager, who said, that shirt thing's all died down.

I said, what shirt thing is that? And then I can't remember what happened. I can. No, but I mean in this conversation. But we went somewhere else in the conversation. And so I was coming in this morning and I thought, hold on, I never got to the bottom of Shirtgate. Right.

So do you know what this is about? Where's the tea? Is that on it? Well, one of our readers has been in touch. Okay. Adam. Can I say this is not a set-up? No.

I absolutely just... No, I'm about to vomit. I wasn't even sure you two would know. Oh, no, I knew. I was just pretending it hadn't happened. Adam has got in touch. Was there excrement on it? He said Frank Skinner is trending on the socials. This was on the 10th of December.

You were trending? You were trending. I can't be right. Last week, I was at the theatre with you when the incident happened, I believe. That was the night the Royal Variety performance went out. Right. And it was when I got home that I saw you

were trending on the socials. But what was the... I don't... Just because my shirt was hanging out. It was because you had two... Yeah, the tails of your shirt were... Oh, at the back it was hanging out?

No, at the front. Oh, for God's sake. Someone should have told me. What's happened to a wardrobe? You see television now, they won't spend the money. Although, can I say, the majority of, most of the comments I saw, said people complaining about Frank Skinner's

shirt being out, like that's the worst thing the royal family's had to worry about this year. Well, there you are. There's been worse things hanging out than that. Yeah, every cloud, they should be thinking. Oh, OK. I think most people were pro-Skinner on the shirt fund. But how does that become a trending thing, someone's shirt hanging out?

I think people see it and then just discuss it and then it gets snowballed from there if you if you will do you do you recall i mean had you been to to visit the latrine perhaps bear in mind i got to the theater at about half past eight that morning and then just hanging around so i'm not a person who turns up with a suit bag. I turn up in what I'm going to wear on stage. Yes, I see. That's the best way of carrying clothes I've always found. So obviously I've been sitting around talking to contortionists

and dancing girls for about 12 hours. Morning, Kath. So what can I say? I was less focused on your shirt and more focused on the first-class material. Oh, there you go. Of the shirt? Yeah.

Of the comic. Egyptian cotton, isn't it? Lovely shirt. But you were trending. It was the only new material I got out that year. Could have done with a bit of a clean, though. But I don't know why, is it just when one's in front of the royal family, you should tuck your shirt in?

Maybe. Is that the gist? I think the idea was that everyone puts their sort of Sunday best on. Yeah. Well, I was in a suit. I mean, what did they want? Yeah, exactly. Also, surely, you know.

You look at some of the things old people wear. I wasn't wearing, like, smart trousers, but with, like, you know, those elastic sort of shoes. I wasn't wearing those. Or those sort of weatherproof... I think they have chains on them for the snow. Have you seen those? Oh, yeah.

People in ripped jeans on It's on there. On the... And that's all right. On the RVP. I know, I mean, for goodness sake. Ripped jeans? Yeah. Well, you know what?

I think it's a slight hangover from a slight four-lock tugging attitude towards the upper class. And I don't think you need to have that. Well, at least we can safely establish that that's faded away. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Just checking Twitter because my shirt is untucked,

but we're on radio and it doesn't matter. I think you'll be all right. The fact is I was trying to be smart. Oh, maybe that's what it was. That's the difference. People saw that. Yeah. No one wants to see an

old man try and fail. Not twice in a week. Anyway. Anyway. Speaking of fashion, I had a bit of a shock at the shoe shop the other day. Shock at the shoe shop? You're doing your vocal warm-up.

It's a shock at the shoe shop. Isn't that the Irish Parliament? Can I say, I was trying to do my headphones the Rod Stewart way. Oh, yeah, upside down. You look like you've got some sort of neck clamp. I don't like it. And I don't need to worry about my hairdo, so there we go. We're just remarking that Rod Stewart wears headphones under his chin

so it doesn't affect his spikes. Yeah. So the shoe shop, was it not the oversized one in your manner? No, no, no, I'm frightened of that. How are they getting on there? Well, I tell you, you know, I already passed. Some people get, you know, if they pass an Undertaker's or something, they don't like it.

But the large shoe shop really freaks me out. The idea of, oh, everyone that goes in there has got enormous big feet. Yeah. Do you know what? I remember one of my, the only people that scared me when I was a child were some of my parents' friends

and the Jolly Green Giant and Lou Reed as you know. Yeah. It's a great combo. Yes. But did you find the Jolly Green Giant and Lou Reed, as you know. Yeah, it's a great combo. Yes. But did you find the Jolly Green Giant scary? No. He was painted green. There was a vulnerability about him,

and he had that funny little halter neck dress. But it so sounded like sweet corn, which is such a sort of, you know, jolly thing. Yeah, it's not very threatening, is it? No. Yeah, but he had to wear evening wear, and he was painted green. Evening wear?

It was sort of evening wear, that dress. It was shirt-out like Frank. Do you remember, it was a green sort of one-shouldered dress made of leaves. Oh, I see. He was, I mean, he was ahead of his time in many ways.

Yes. He was green for a start-off when a lot of us weren't aware. And he wore what he, well, And he wore what he felt was right. Yes. I respected the jolly green child for that. But there's always people like you, of course, Emily, that alienated him. I was minded.

Yeah. Anyway, so I was going to get some... I found out that my child is in between crocks. In between? Yeah. Apparently, there's a size where one crock is too tight and the others hang too loose. And what you have to do is, if you're a child,

I mean, obviously, our feet, we're done growing now. Yeah. Done growing, of course, is the name of my house. Yes. of done growing now. Yeah. Done growing, of course, is the name of my house. Yes.

But he, we just have to bide our time now until he grows into the next. Yeah. I mean, it's awful to feel that Crocs are not for you for maybe another six months. Mm-hmm. Oh, is that right then? So there's nothing one can do about it? You can't wear an insole, really, on a Croc.

Not really. And Crocs and socks,sole, really, on a croc. Not really. And crocs and socks, as you know, that's disapproved of. Is it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I suppose. I did a bit of styling with Buzz this week.

Did you? He had one of his plays, he had so many, and one of them, I said, oh, what are you dressing as? He said, Bob Cratchit. Yeah. I said, oh, okay, well, do you want a hand? He said, yeah, that'd be great. I said, oh, okay, well, do you want a hand? He said, yeah, that'd be great.

And he had on a stripy shirt. He put on a waistcoat, which I liked, and then he put a black sort of dinner jacket over it. Yeah. And he said, what do you think? And I love that he asked my opinion. I said, I like it, but I think it needs some sort of Victoriana. You need

to look like you're coming back from... A scarf or something. You got it in one. Yeah. I said, we need a scarf. He said, well, I don't think my dad's got that. I said, well, has he got a tie? I'm in between scarves at the moment. My neck is just the wrong size for a scarf.

I said, I suspect there'll be some sort of Peaky Blinders merch in there. Oh, yeah, good point. I said, Cass, go and have a look. I said, I can't look. I can't rummage through. I didn't rummage, can I just say? And Frank looked relieved. There are a few untouched shirts.

And then I said, oh, this will do. Picked up a black, what looked like, I just saw some sort of silky sleeves. He said, Fels said, this looks absolutely great. He put the cap on. He looked very Gilbert O'Sullivan. It looked fantastic. I tied the scarf. Cathy said, what's that round your neck?

She said, that's my very expensive cos top. And I tied her expensive top round his neck. Oh, as a sort of a neck achievement. Yeah, well I didn't provide it. So she made us take it off. Oh, that's not very supportive. You know, Bob Crouch's quite a good part.

I think you've got to... No, but I didn't realise... If someone took my top, to be fair, and tied it round someone's neck to make them look like Bob Cratchit, it was a nice going-out top. Yeah. I felt bad.

Anyway, in the end, Buzz decided not to go. We had to abandon the scarf, is what I'm saying. And also Bob Cratchit was very much a stay-in-in kind of a guy. He didn't go to Coles. He's a workaholic, Bob Cratchit. That's true. I was in the office all hours, I mean, for goodness sake. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

583, you were talking earlier about how Buzz says... Is he the one who sang, Look at me, I'm 5.83? He, this is Colin, he says, Frank, what about a different brand of Crocs? Might be a different measurement, which is a lovely, helpful... Mock Crocs? Frank was saying earlier, in case you weren't listening,

that Buzz, his outgrow and his croc, well, he's mid-size. He's in between crocs. He's in between us. You know how actors are in between jobs? Yeah, he's between croc sizes. Oh, I do, my dear. Yes, yes. I suppose actors who dress up as animals,

they're quite often in between crocs. That is a very... Or Captain Hook. Yes. You play Captain Hook. Yeah. I... To be honest,

I wasn't fully aware that there are mock crocs. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They've been a bit lax. You want to try a garden centre or something like that? It's difficult.

A bit lax on the copyright crocs? A bit. I've had to get... I'm an in-betweener on the size front. Oh. 3.5 I am. Are you? It's my size, yeah.

Three and a half, she is. 3.5, that's... I mean, imagine. No need to go in that shop near you for Emily, is there? I think an alarm would go off if Emily were in that shop. Wow, they'd think you were the lady who'd come in to put the lace holes in. Wow. That's a tiny shoe, isn't it?

One, thank you, one just adjusts, you know. My shoes are always slightly too small or slightly too big. But it seems that Crocs don't do halves, is the bottom line. A lot of shoes companies don't, is what I'm saying. Well, that's the modern world. But I think 503's suggestion of off-brand or

what a Cockney guy I know calls moody Crocs, moody Crocs might be the answer. Moody meaning not official? Yes, moody. Oh, like pirate Crocs moody Crocs might be might be the answer moody meaning not official yes moody oh like pirate Crocs yes

like moody speaking of Captain Hood pirate pirate Alan yes like moody Calvin Klein yeah

I didn't know that or moody Disney figures exactly on the on fairground rides you know when someone's painted a

slightly gaunt Mickey Mouse you get sometimes and you think if ever the Disney people come here you people are in serious copyright trouble but they never seem to go there. And the celebrities who always look a bit like a hybrid of Pink and Taylor Swift

Well we all do dear okay um can i run a technical question by you guys sure i got a gift from my sister-in-law oh yeah um it's um well i don't know i don't know if it's got a name it's um but it's i'm supposed to stick it on my phone it i'll i'll show it to you guys. That's an early gift. You won't see this at home, but I'm just going to tell you, it's like one of those hologram stickers. That's exactly what I would describe it as.

It is a hologram sticker. It's a hologram sticker. It's not a light one. I always get annoyed when people say, yeah, then you get people like Lionel Messi. And I think, well, who is that? Do you mean physically like him? Is that your Christmas present? Well, it could well be.

Yeah, I didn't identify. It wasn't wrapped. No. But anyway, it says here, every living thing has its own electromagnetic field. Right. Every day is a school day. Yeah.

In fact, every living function, whether conscious or subconscious physical or mental is powered by low levels of electrical current in our bodies I didn't know that my mumbo jumbo radar is going off let's see if it continues have you ever thought about why we use electric shock

paddles to restart a heart I'm going to be straight with you I hadn't thought about that I'm quite busy you know going to be straight with you. I hadn't thought that. You hadn't. I hadn't. I'm quite busy. You know, and to be honest... Since I saw that last episode of Holby. If it comes

up, you know, that I need to be, I need the paddles. Resuscitated. Even then, I'm not going to be thinking... No, no, I'm going to be, you know... You'll probably be thinking, ow, oh, I'm glad I'm awake again. Yeah, exactly.

They'll be using those paddles and your manager will be on the phone leaving messages saying, I think the shirt thing has died down now. That's the good news. But in the midst of violent shuddering, I won't be thinking, oh, why did I use that?

So anyway, the idea is that I put this... Can I just give you a little bit more? It says this is the same technology that's used to protect computer CPUs. Lost me complete. What on earth is that? Without protection, a computer CPU would not be able to function. Again? It said, due to all the conflicting electromagnetic chaos. I mean, what's going on?

Finally, it says, it wasn't a reason we had begun using that same technology to protect us. So the idea is I stick this on my phone. Oh! And it won't, I won't be, it gives you a list of things that it can cause if you don't. And including brain fog, again, something I didn't even know. Oh, I don't like.

I don't want to get all the Professor Brian Cox, but I don't think brain fog is a science term, do you? Brain fog. I'm more of a Phileas fan. Yeah. Myself. He's a brother of Phileas. Yeah, I'm a Phileas fan.. He's a brother of Phileas. I'm a Phileas fan. Brian.

Brian. He's probably known as that. He was the clever younger brother. What was Fogg's really name? Maybe Foggy from Last of the Summer Wives. Maybe that was his name. Maybe it should be Brian. It's a typo.

Brian Fogg. Anyway, it's very... Apparently. Brian Fogg. Anyway, it's very, apparently my sister-in-law paid £15 for this. I feel bad that I haven't put it on my phone yet. I feel bad you announcing what she spent on your gift.

No, no, that's fine. I haven't put it on because, to be honest, my thinking hasn't been very clear. I've had to have this big red light on the back of my brain so people don't drive into me. Frank's been parsing the... What is it called, the hologram thing? I think it might be called E-Link.

Oh, okay. Emily and I had quite different responses to it. I described it as high-tech lucky Heather. Yes. And Emily was particularly affronted by the font that was used on the... Yes. Yeah, I just... The font didn't...

I didn't like the font. I feel... I feel... Good. No, I feel... Good. No, I feel bad that this was bought for me. I'm not mocking it, I'm just questioning it. To me, it seemed... It was something I hadn't heard of before, that you could put a sticker on your phone

that'd stop your brain fogging up. But you know what? They laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round. They were easily pleased, that comedy audience. God, I wish I could find out where they, what gig they went to.

See, people say that, but actually they laughed and then they said it's funny because it's true. That's it, all comedy is true. That's what Christopher Columbus said. Do your world as round material again, please. Great to be here, great Christopher Columbus said. So he went on stage and he went so great to be here, great to be here. So apparently

you know the world, obviously we all know the world because we're in it. Bit of a snigger. Where's he going with this? It's round. Round. Become a force. How do you follow that? It's like working your way through the other Whey! Whey! Whey! Big common pause.

Imagine, how do you follow that? It's like working your way through the other planet. That's any one way. You've got to untuck your shirt. You know, whereas Uranus, globular, obviously goes straight to Uranus to try and get the easy laugh. Yeah, I absolutely would. The way comedians do.

Definitely. You'll notice that I sidestepped it with my pronunciation. Yeah, I couldn't have done that. 199 has texted, Morning Framily. The good thing about mock crocs is that you can wear socks with them. My drawers are chock-a-block with mock croc socks.

That's from Dr. Seuss. It's dog, it's dog. Yes, he could get it. Very good. He could get a thick fisherman sock. Well, I went, many years ago, I did a television programme called Room 101. I recall.

It's got that many. And Scarlet Moffat was on it. Oh, yes. And Scarlet Moffat chose Crocs to go into a room. It was a programme where you put in things you didn't like. Yes. And I got some trainer socks, especially made with holes stitched in, so that they coincided with the holes in the Crocs.

So you could wear socks and no one knew you were wearing them. Who the blue blazes has got their phone on? Me. Oh, Emily. I'm sorry. Is it the least professional thing you've ever done? Absolutely not. Legend!

Exactly. It's a news alert. It didn't sound like a news alert. It was. It says the election is over. what does it mean for your money? If it's the Queen, we have to do that. The election is over, what does it mean for your money? Oh, OK.

Well, I haven't got to buy all that free broadband. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. I was having a sort of a version of a Christmas dinner the other day. It was one of those sandwiches, it's like a Christmas sandwich. Oh, nice. From a particular retailer that you want to mention or did you not enjoy? You know, just one of those sandwiches. I know it's very nice.

I like any kind of a Christmassy meal thing. But I started to think about, they didn't have the vegetarian option. And I was thinking, I've started to feel a bit sorry for vegetarians because I think vegans have kind of... They've taken them on the inside lane. They have.

Absolutely. It's like the agnostics. Oh, yeah. What a bad name. Well, they've had the same problem. The atheists are the vegans of the religious world. The poor agnostics have got nothing now. I remember when vegetarian...

It was quite a conversation piece. If someone was a vegetarian, I'd say, I don't think. I mean, even vegetarians have said, but I do eat fish, were still, I eat fish, they were still seen as like Greta Thunberg figures. They were asked about their morality and their motivations. Now they're second class citizens behind the vegans. Vegetarians, I just think they're a bit 70s. I know, but I do feel sorry,

because they used to be, like, have-a-go heroes. Yeah. And now it's all those people that don't do it properly, the vegetarians. Yeah. Oh, man, well, if there's any listening, look, you know, I still respect you guys. We've had a doctor.

With your dairy products. 754. We have a correctionian from a doctor. Hold on. This is from 754. In the meantime, I would speak to him like this. So, doctor. Like a doctor.

Or a doctor. Doctor. Like a Doctor Who villain. Or a Doctor! Seize him. I'll do a 70s actress voice. Seize him, guards. As we're comedians, I should probably say Doctor, Doctor when I talk to him.

Good point. Anyway, I'll see if he earns the jingle. Okay, correctione. I'm a doctor on my day off. Yeah, we've all been. We've all used that line. Laughed a little too hard. Technically, by telling you this, I'm practising privately.

Bill on its way. Ah. I like this doctor. Call me. Number one. Labour on, he lost on Thursday and already we're doing private medicine on the show. The influence is just gone. Yeah, he's probably the kind of doctor that's all we're practising now that you're here.

Doctor! Or Frank's idea of a doctor who said when Frank congratulated him on his handwriting. Oh, he said, yes, when I did handwriting at school, I rather tried. And then he said, in fact, we were taught handwriting by Traitor Blunt. Traitor Blunt. Traitor Blunt. Which is a reference to Anthony Blunt, who was

the Queen's art curator. They knew that. They might not, Anani. They knew that. Okay, and he was involved with the whole Burgess and Maclean thing. He was. Google it. Tracy Blunt.

I don't have Google app. You didn't know? Google it. Who was that guy shouting? Sounds like at least three of my relatives. He sounds like someone who dwells within our encumbrance. Carry on. Okay, so this doctor continues.

Number one, we do have electric currents in our body. Okay. One of the highest potential differences we know of is in our mitochondria. Okay. Number two, we don't use paddles to start hearts. We stop them when they're in a dangerous rhythm. Oh. All the best.

Listener 712, Phil. I know, but he didn't tell me if I should stick this on my phone or not. Yeah, Phil. To be honest, I have been trying to stick it on. You've got to take the case off. I can't get the case off. We can help you with that. Thank you.

I'm an old man, Commander. Can I say, we have a very, very, very special guest. Very special to me. I'm not going to say who it is yet. I'll tell you in the second hour. I'd better get out of my dressing gown. In the second hour. But one of my heroes will be here for the last hour of the show.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We've got a guest coming in. Yes. I'm not going to say who it is yet, but I've had an oil leak in my bag. You're that excited? Wow.

Big guest. Yeah. You've had an oil leak in your bag, literally? Yes, I have. It's seaberry moisturising face oil. What is a seaberry? 8-12-15. 8-12-15.

Is that like an anemone? Do you think it's an anemone? I don't know, but I tell you this, it costs a bit. We've had some... Well, I'm delighted about. We've had a lovely... I think you should keep your friends close and your enemies close.

Yes. My enemies and enemies, my friends. Please don't do puns. We're not going to do them. Please. I was going to do an hour or more of those before the guests got here. Doctor!

Oh, wow. We didn't read this one out, did we, about the crown? No. Okay. Would you like me to? Yes, I would. You're bossing me about. That's fine.

Okay. Morning all. I'm a bit late to the party, but started watching The Crown. It's brilliant. Looking forward to the scene where the queen tells Frank to hurry up on stage. One of my favourite Frank anecdotes. I wonder if they'll have that. I think not.

Although there are many, so technically that email, that text is praised, so normally we wouldn't read it, but we made the exception. It's a good thought. It's Ollie and Salford. There's so many aspects of the Queen's life that you'd love to see on there.

And her shouting at you is one of them. I should think so. I've not seen it. Did you meet Will and Kate that you'd love to see on there. And her shouting at you is one of them. Yeah, I should think so. Yeah. I've not seen it. Did you meet Will and Kate then? Yeah. Yes, you did. Oh, yeah, I did about that.

Yes, you did tell us. Were you here that week? You did. I don't think I was, dear. No, it was... They laughed at some of your jokes. Frank hogged him. Well, we don't know that for certain.

Oh, right. Because they, you know, sometimes... I know, they cheat it, dear. The reaction shots get moved about a bit. They might have been sitting there thinking, look at his shirt. I have never in all my years. Well, I hope they didn't.

They might have used a shot of them laughing at, I don't know, Luke Evans or someone. I know he was singing. Yeah, but, you know, I think they seem jolly, jolly types. OK. But who wouldn't be? Yeah. Frank, I had a look at your tree.

When I popped round to your apartment this week. It's a biggie, isn't it? Absolutely beautiful. Is it? It really is. My partner is very good on the Christmas trees. She's great at the trees. I think you should get a big tree. You work hard. Exactly.

Get yourself a nice tree at Christmas. But as I said to you, I had a big tree you work hard exactly get yourself a nice tree but as i said to you i had a big should i should know what is what's the eco yeah thing to do yeah yeah and in the end people said you're better off getting a real tree because they'll turn it into wood chips and it can be reused well the tree the original purpose of the tree there are so many aren't there because it's tied up with the medieval tradition as well but it was also it originally wasn't designed to scare away the devil

but I gained entry anyway to your place and the bauble as well was the apple I didn't know this I found this out this week this is absolutely excruciating I'm putting this in the same I'm putting it in the same box as the

Ballet link As the sticker that stops me from getting brain fog How dare you Shouldn't the tree point downwards If it's for the devil Well the red Some of them do The upside down Christmas tree was last year.

It was very in vogue. But it's black trees this year you need to get, or wooden. Is that right? Well, I'm going to recycle this year, so I'm going to strip the branches off and use the trunk for colonic irrigation. Oh.

Like sort of pipe cleaners. Exactly. Exactly. Well, Frank's got... I mean, obviously, you have to burn, you have to bury the trunk in a leg case. But you know what? I did it last year and I felt really, really clean. How often do any of us feel that?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Emily's having to do a full makeup bag wipe down because there's oil on all of it. The seaberry oil gets everywhere. Did we find out what a seaberry is to anyone? No, could someone text us in, please? I mean, we have had missives, including 571 has asked, I'm ashamed to admit that I don't know the story of Traitor Blunt.

Please could you allow Frank to don his leather elbow patched jumper of history teacher and inform me of the tale? All the best and no praise, John. That could be that he thinks the show isn't worthy of praise or he could just be played by the rules that we've set. Well, many years ago, very, very briefly, rules that we've set. Well, many years ago, very, very briefly,

it turned out that there were some Russian spies involved in British high society, I suppose. Different times. Burgess and Maclean were the main two men who were named. But there was this, I think they called the fourth man. Yes. And for years they didn't know who it was. And then it was announced that it was the Queen's art advisor,

Sir Anthony Blunt, who was one of the most incredibly posh people, one of those kind of people. And it turned out that he taught at this doctor's, doctor I had school. Okay.

So that was... Can I say that's a new thing, is everyone I know has some story about either themselves or someone they know being approached by MI5. Yeah, I've never been approached by them. But everyone says they have. I think people...

I think someone comes up and says, have you got the time? And they think, oh, that was MI5 approaching me. I think people... A lot of people who go to Oxford get approached by yeah but not

too many do you think no exactly they don't do you think it's like a sort of an elitist version of everybody

in working class communities says that they have trials at a football I think it's a bit of an urban myth I was on the books

at Brentford I've had very very I got tapped up by MI5 same thing is books at Brentford. I've had very, very... Is it always Brentford? I got tapped up by MI5. Same thing. Is it always Brentford? Yes.

If you get an Uber, then you'll be driven by a bloke, possibly, who had trials for Brentford. If you get a handsome cab, he will have been approached by MI5 when he left university. I always say when I hear that story I say yeah sure you did we've

we were talking about trees of the Christmas variety of the Christmas variety and I was telling you yes so the apple is the temptation hence the bauble we have I found all this out this week Frank looks worried about this he's starting to rethink the tree

I don't think it works as well as the father Nice. Frank looks worried about this. He's starting to rethink the tree. No, I'm not. I don't think it works as well as that Father Christmas represents the devil. I don't know about him. Oh, I see. Because the red and black is the traditional devil things. Ants and decks. If there's any Bournemouth fans listening, don't get up. And also he comes down the chimney, thus associated with flames.

And the killer, the killer point is that his name is an anagram of Satan. And he doesn't help the obesity crisis any. No, and he's all about materialism and stuff. Actually, thinking about it, Santa was one of the early hashtag influencers, wasn't he, really? And also, just on a pure style front, if you're going to wear a white and red suit, black belt in the middle,

it doesn't work. It cuts you in half anyway. And he can do with all the help he can. You think it's not flattering? I've always found the black Santa belt really problematic. What would you have gone for? Nothing.

Just have trousers fitted that accentuate his waist. Can I say... He hasn't got that bad a physique. He just needs to make the most of it. Can I tell you a story? I went to... I was at the airport this week.

I think it was Gatwick. And I said, as we was going... I'm on tour. Who cares? And I was going through... Who cares? And I was going through security, and I said to the woman, do I need to take my belt off? And she said, you're not wearing a belt.

And I thought, no, if I wasn't wearing a belt, my trousers would... And then I thought, I've been eating quite a lot on tour. And I looked down, and sure enough, I wasn't wearing a belt. Next thing you'll tell me your shirt's been untucked. It's all so wrong.

Why I don't like it is that as soon as Santa puts a belt on it's from the real world. I thought the whole point about Santa he's a magical creature

isn't he? For any children that are listening he's a magical creature. Yeah but we don't know that he actually wears a belt for sure. He does.

And also, you'd think he'd get hooked. Every picture of him he's got. You'd think any uneven brick on the chimney would catch on his belt. It'd be really annoying. Flaps hanging off.

Oh, no. Oh, no. That's just joking. 110 has some Santa sartorial updates. OK. Santa's belt does not hold up his trousers. Call the police. It goes over his tunic. It's to keep his buttonless tunic closed

someone should give him a zip for Christmas or poppers I don't mean I don't know if he just said that at a party inevitably he's going to deliver somewhere where they're going to be

anyway maybe that's for boxing day when he's finished the big day live somewhere where they're going to be. Anyway. Maybe that's for Boxing Day when he's finished the big day. Yeah, exactly. Cut loose a bit. Have some fun. That's his day off, Al. Yeah. What he does on his day off is his business.

You know, I wonder when I'm a very, very old man near the end and they ask me about regrets, I'll say, well, I think the Father Christmas amyl nitrate material was probably looking back a terrible error. You're getting posher as you get older. Oh, yeah, I think everyone does that. Turning into traitor blonde on your deathbed. I'm going to say that our guest in the last hour...

We should do a thing before he comes on, like a special thing to build it up. OK, I'm going to... I'll see if I've got... I'm very excited about this guest. OK, I'm going to say, this is... I'm trying to find someone that really fits, but we don't. I actually love this guest's wife. I love him as well. I'll tell you what.

Oh, yeah. There is a very famous writer for television. Specifically, I would say. He has written for film as well. He's from Paisley in Scotland. And I think there aren't many people I would call a genius, but I think he actually is a genius. He wrote and show ran Doctor Who for a long time.

Sherlock is also one of his projects. He is, of course, Stephen Moffat, and he'll be with us from 10 o'clock. Exciting. Frank has been... I mean, this is your Christmas Day, getting Stephen on. Oh, it. Very exciting. I can't wait to boast about all the old actors I know from the 70s.

Well, you usually can't, mate. And I never do. What's different? How dare you? Anyway, I saw A Christmas Tree, the likes of which I didn't know some before. And it was in an East European... Is it Vilnius Airport? Ah, Vilnius.

In Lithuania? Yes. And it was decorated... Do you know I was once taught Pilates by the former Lithuanian Sportswoman of the Year? You weren't. I was. It's a truey.

A truey is... Do you know, surely you could have got spread out of that in Hello magazine? I asked, but she disagreed. It's disgusting. Honestly. By the way, we haven't mentioned that...

Vilnius. That Alan Cochran has had his head shaved. Oh yeah. No one's even referred to it. I think that's quite right, though, because it is radio that we're doing, and I don't think it's affected my voice. I wonder if they can hear...

All right, of the headphone. ..against your headphone. It was very Skinhead Escapes. It was. I was a bit astonished. I'll be honest with you, it started with a beard trim, and then I was going to go for... Is that an old hot chocolate song? Yes, that's right.

Started with a beard trim. I was going to go long hair and short beard and in the end I've gone very short hair by accident. Once you've set the clippers. Yeah. Why reset? Do you know why I like it? It's very framed for a crime you didn't commit. Yeah.

But with an intelligence in the eye. It's John McVicar. When I was inside, I did a degree. All of this is several steps up from what my wife thinks I look like, but we'll go with it. She's not a fan, though. Is she not? Not a fan of the short hair,

but I'm not a fan of the haircut off a hairdresser. Oh, you did it yourself, did you? I did do it myself. Did you? It looks good. By accident. No, but I think it suits you. Well, I also am fed up of having hair. And you know what it's good for?

How many bald men are listening to this then that hate you now? They hate me anyway. I think it's a bit show-offy of Alan because he knows he could look good whatever the hairstyle. I mean, that is not what's happening, but I'll take it. Is it Cara Delevingne in a violet suit?

It's a bit Cara Delevingne because he knows. He's like, look, shave my hair. Myself, with clippers, still look like Nordic detective noir hero. Cara Delevingne could wear one of those scene of the crime all over body suits that you see the police wearing and still look great. It's a gift. It is a gift.

And Alan looks like he would be wearing one of those. No, it'd be the photo of the bloke they're looking for. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So this Christmas tree we've been talking about. Vilnius Airport. Where is Vilnius?

Lithuania. Lithuania, yes, of course. And it's been described by some people as the world's least, when I say some people, me, the world's least Christmassy Christmas tree. Because it was decorated with items confiscated from passengers.

Hello. That's not me. I've turned mine off. It's not me, is it? Was it a phone? I just thought it was a Christmas sound effect. Okay. Okay, fair enough. It was decorated with items confiscated from passengers' hand luggage.

So it featured pen knives, lighters. A lot of lighters. Yeah. I mean, they'd raided my childhood home. There were scissors. A trowel. A lot of scissors. What about the pink trowel?

What worried me about... Yeah, what a club that was. That was when I was putting my make-up on that time. There's a lot of scissors with green handles. Yeah, it's too convenient, sure. I think they might have sacrificed fact for foliation. Very good. We've all done it.

Very good. Yeah, but the body of the tree is green-handled scissors, so you can see how that works. Unless there was one person that was, you know, perhaps taking 100 people on a crafting trip. Or a hairdresser's convention, maybe. Yeah, something like that. I found, but I don't think,

if they were going to theme the tree around confiscated items, we should say the idea behind it was that the security team at Vilnius Airport erected it in order to... They said they wanted it to be an educational message on the importance of aviational security. I think it's a clever idea. I think it's a weird message. I'm going to be honest.

I think it's really strange. Like, they're saying, you know, if you don't want your items on next year's tree, check the baggage requirements before you fly, as if that's really embarrassing that your items might be on next year's tree. Like, who cares? Also, if you're going to have a tree

themed around Das ist verboten items, there were some better things they could have gone for. Deodorants. I'd love a deodorant tree. Well, one thing that... I bet they were waiting and waiting for someone to try and take a kung fu throwing star on the place so they could put that on the top.

I bet they were thinking, oh, please. Is it shuriken? Is it shuriken throwing star? Is that what they're called? Well, of course. I go to you for the technical stuff. I think I remember them being advertised in Combat magazine when I was younger. But I bet they were doing cup price tickets for martial arts classes

and hoping that someone would bring one of those. Yeah. Apparently water pistols. I think it was a water pistol as well because they're banned. I didn't see any bottles over 200ml on the tray, which you'd think there'd be a lot of those. Excuse me. Yeah, you would.

Did you know also you're only allowed... Baby food is banned unless you have a baby present. That is a good rule. Yeah. If any of you... More ageism. Yeah, exactly. The adults with dentures community being ruled out again.

I live basically on those small Coen Gate jars of like apple and damson. What are models? How are they meant to take their food through? Yeah, well, I think in the normal tissue box. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. I took my son to New York. Oh, did you? Did you? Yeah, and we were taken aside at customs, you know, the security bit. And the woman said, you appear, the x-ray suggests that you have a firearm in your back which is i said i wanted to guess what it was and i said i definitely definitely don't you know you do start thinking whenever in a moment, I'm so lacking in complete conviction in my memory,

I thought, have I packed a firearm? Did you? Yeah. Interesting. Did I? You're like a James Bond henchman. I love that about you. Anyway, what I'd done is, in the WH Smiths at the airport,

I'd bought Buzz a Star Wars magazine. Excellent. I'm getting the old intonation back. Good. Frank, it's Star Wars. It's Boz. Not Star Wars. Anyway, I bought him a Star Wars magazine.

And there was kids' comics and magazines, they come in like a plastic bag, and they have loads of free gifts with them. You can generally tell the more toys on the front, the less substance inside, which is a rule I apply to people as well. But in the midst of all these cards and pictures and stuff, there was a plastic gun in there,

which had come up on the... And they made me undo the cellophane and took the gun off me. They actually took the gun from a small child. Oh, God. Yeah, but we couldn't travel with the plastic Star Wars gun. Brutal. And recently I flew...

Where did I fly? I think I flew to Switzerland and back, and I got home, and for some reason I'd done the whole journey with a metal teaspoon in my coat pocket. But what could you do? What were you thinking?

Well, you say, what could you do? But they're not allowed. Are they not? No, on the food thing on the plane they give you a little plastic cutlery,

don't they? They're worried about the metal. I suppose. Very strict on the water as you know as well. A man with your arm strength could probably kill someone the way one takes on a hard-boiled egg.

You know I'm not strong, boys. You could just really batter their skull in. Also, Frank, with the current haircut... Yeah, well, yeah, I look dangerous, don't I? I'm just saying, good luck at customs, mate. I mean, you know, one could argue you shouldn't get on a plane because you could kill someone with your bare hands. I don't think that's true, but, hey,

I like to hear that reputation being spread. Good. I'll do my best. It's not true, but... Yes, no-one ever says that about me. Could you kill a man, Frank? Eventually. I've been having a lot of... You'd practical joke them to death.

My tour manager travels with his phone on, on aeroplanes. And that unsettles me. What, not on aeroplane mode? Not on aeroplane mode. He's bad to the bone. He says it's a myth, the whole thing's a myth. Oh, he's a nurse. Oh, if everyone said that.

I said, yeah, but I wish you'd test your mitts when I'm not on the plane. Yeah, good point. Yeah, but I flew with him a couple of times this week and I did that very English thing of not asking if it was off. You know, there's this theory that sometimes pilots fly into... Jed Mercurio told me this, who was an ex-Air Force person, that sometimes planes fly into, like, mountains and stuff because both pilots think,

well, he must have noticed, it must be OK. Happy Christmas, everyone. Wow. That's a great fact, though. Yeah, that's how polite we are. I'm sure he'd say something if Whoa! That's my impression of what happened

I'm extremely excited and that our guest this morning is a man who I regard as something of a genius I'm going to give you the fanfare He is a man who I regard as something of a genius. I'm going to give you the fanfare. He is... Stephen Moffat is here. Hooray!

Remember that thing that they do on Steve Wright? Oh, I love this. Oh, well, thank you. How incredibly touching. Did you clap as well then, Stephen? No, I thought that would be bad form. I think on radio you can thicken your own applause. Well, there's a tip.

I'm in my radio infancy. Oh, well. So, have you written radio drama? I never have, not once, no. I don't know how they do that. It must be really complicated. It's like, I mean, radio, it's like television that's developed a fault, isn't it?

It's like the screen's gone down. I wonder how to do it. Yeah, it's cheaper. I think you're fine. Yeah, well, there's that. Well, there's my retirement job. Now, let's get straight to why you're here, because I don't know about you, but when I do an interview, if they don't mention the product early on, I start to get anxious. You have produced, you and Mark Gatiss, the fabulous Mark Gatiss,

I've produced a new version of Dracula. Yes. And it's, when is it on? January the 1st, 2nd and 3rd. I mean, it's easy to remember. It's as easy as... 1, 2, 3. Very good. Now, I've

watched it, and I'll be honest with you, I thought it was brilliant, but it was also really quite frightening. And I'm not a very good horror person. I mean, there were some bits, which I probably won't mention, that, oh, man. Oh, good. Oh, man. It's Dracula.

Yeah, well, exactly. Good. That's great. Yeah. How many meetings did you have with the BBC about whether it should be a female Dracula or not? Absolutely none at all. Really?

No, there was no meeting on that yet. That's where the money is now, Stephen. I'm glad we've... I'm glad, having cast apart, we've missed by one. Already. Already. We've jumped the shark and it hasn't been on yet. Already.

Well, there has been... There have been female Draculas, there have been female vampires, no shortage of them. There's been so many versions of Dracula in the past, in the sort of hammer thing, that they've done... There was a thing called Blacula. You can guess the rest. I know, I know.

Yeah, so it's all been done. But this is... I thought it was sort of traditional, but then also it wasn't. Well, I mean, I think of traditional, but then also it wasn't. Well, I mean, I think there's a huge strand of it that is. We were going for the very traditional Dracula, Dracula who looks like Dracula, and who is properly bad. And he does wear the cape, and he does live in a scary castle.

And, of course, there are bats in moonlight. And, of course, there are terrified peasants saying, oh, don't go to Castle Dracula, and all that stuff. Because I think those are the treats you expect like even when we updated sherlock uh all those years ago and people were saying oh there'll be no deerstalker and we're saying of course there'll be a deerstalker we're not doing sherlock holmes is that a deerstalker for some things you expect something it was an ironic deerstalker well i'm not sure the distinction between an ironic deerstalker and a deerstalker is visible to people

with less than your intellectual refinement. That's a tough one. I'm taking that as a compliment, certainly. Can we turn that into our jingle for the next series? Did you feel that you had to watch loads and loads of Draculas, you and Mark,

to get... Well, that's the kind of thing we do anyway. There's not a lot of provocation involved there. Shall we watch all Draculas, you and Mark, to get... Well, that's the kind of thing we do anyway. There's not a lot of provocation involved there. Shall we watch all Draculas ever made? Yes, that's just a normal Saturday. That's fine. So yes, we did. And that was great fun. There's some great movies

out there and some fairly bad ones. And there is Blackula, which occupies a special place all to itself. Did you go as far as Count Duckula? I've seen Count Duckula before. We decided not to... There's a couple I missed. There were a couple.

There was a point where I thought, I have to stop. You drew the line at Paltry. Yes. Or was it just concern that you thought Count Duckula might influence you too much in the work that you were then going to do? Yeah, we have a comedy disposition. It might go that way. I should say, in the defence of Dracula, I don't need to defend it,

but someone is thinking, oh, God, this is going to be wholly terrifying from start to finish. There are funny bits as well, Innie. Have you ever written anything that didn't have funny bits in well in it as I don't know have you ever written anything that didn't have funny bits no no you've got to

no I mean well Dracula there's always got comedies learned to Dracula to be fair but we did a screening at the BFI the other day

and well people said gosh that was really frightening what the audience did mostly was laugh it was a lot of laughter it's like it's scary like a ghost train can I quote

you should giggle am I allowed to quote my favourite line from it yes because I think it's like it's scary like a ghost train can i quote a giggle am i allowed to quote my favorite line from it uh yes because i think it's in the trailer oh okay he said um when dracula was asked his request that someone asked him to do something and he said he says look i'm on dead not on not unreasonable oh yeah that's a very fine stuff. And he said it like that. He didn't say, I am undead and not undead. Because he starts off, doesn't he, quite Romanian? Well, he is.

I mean, he's a Transylvanian gentleman. And through a process that people will be thrilled to discover on January 1st, he developed something of approximating in English, actually. Yeah, and he gets better looking, I think it's fair to say. He gets better looking. Am I allowed to say that? I think that's all right.

Dracula's supposed to be handsome. He's meant to be handsome. He sort of becomes Ronnie O'Sullivan. Does he? If I knew who that was, then that would be... It's a sort of lovable Londoner with a dark interior. Oh, OK. If you say so.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. with a dark interior. Oh, OK. If you say so. I'm struggling with me switches. I'm not used to having a... Well, I should say, in case you're thinking a guest is a weekly thing on this show, we've had, I think, you, Neil Gaiman

and David Baddiel in the last five years. Russell. You had Russell, didn't you? Oh, we had Russell. Don't forget the showrunners. No, that was a special. All right.

And Al Gore. Those are the only ones. The specials are different. I'm afraid he got his own special. An obvious grouping. I was surprised you didn't pop up as a Dracula castle. Maybe like a serf or someone else.

Oh, yeah, that would have been tragic. I only cast him when he's been camping in my garden for two years. I think it's the only way to clear him out. It's funny you should say that Stephen because I'd like to... Less than dignified begging about her. Which brings me to something Stephen once said of you. One of the best things that's ever

been said. It's no secret that Frank's been pitching vigorously to get into Doctor Who for a while. He's been volunteering to be third monster on the left as long as I've been in this job. That's absolutely true. I thought it was... You know when you get those men in black woolly hats

that used to stand on the waterfront in old films waiting to be employed? It was like that. That was that method. Eventually it happened. It did. See, that's it. If you keep asking, keep knocking on the door.

Have you started again yet? Did you have a meeting, Stephen, saying, oh, Frank's dinner? I honestly want to know what happened. Did you say, oh, he keeps going on about it, we'd better give him the part? No, we did actually legitimately think this was a part that would be good for Frank.

We did. We were quite grown up about it. It wasn't a case of, he's kidnapped two of my children, let's get down to it. Come on, it's his only demand. I got a figurine come through the post the other week. I cannot imagine what that moment must have been like for you.

I'm surprised you've come to work. I assume it's somewhere about your person. It isn't. Oh dear God. It's in a strong box. Whatever that is. A blue strong box. See, it's in a strong box, whatever that is. A blue strong box. See, it's great being the showrunner,

but you don't get a figurine. Actually, they made pretend figurines of... They didn't actually make them. They did a fake-up photograph of the three showrunners. And I was presented as taller than Chris, which I was very happy about. I'm the midget among the showrunners. It would be a good episode, the three showrunners.

It wouldn't. Three writers complaining. Oh, no, it's really hard, isn't it? I know, I find it hard too. Do you make it work a lot? Oh, no. That would be the whole thing. I saw a play the other week about a writer's room

called Persephone at the National Theatre. I don't know if you saw it. Antipodes, perhaps? Antipodes. I knew it was three-syllable classic reference. I sorted the plug out there. Yeah, we don't get too troubled by facts. It's closed now.

But I thought they managed to get across the excruciating silences of a writing room. I haven't done much in the way of writing rooms, but yeah, it was pretty brutal and pretty good. And Arthur Darvill was in it, of course.

Oh, of course. That's why I was there. I only go to things with Doctor Who actors. Did you lodge him around the stage door? I didn't. Dressed as your character

from Mummy and the Orient Express. I'll be honest. I'll be honest. He was in the bar after and I was in the bar and I just lost my nerve. I was going to go over and talk to him and I just thought,

I just can't, I can't do it. He's probably heard of you, Frank. Yeah, but I thought... There's a chance. I thought, what if he's horrible to me? Arthur is never horrible to anyone. He's the loveliest man. Well, next time.

It was a good play. I did like it. Next time. I'm glad we've established that. Oh, God, we're such politics. It's closed now. Anyway, we loved it. As a result of our conversation.

Whoa! Yeah, it was like the time I came on here and asked if Clinton cards, I'd heard something that Clinton cards was closing down, and I think there was a big rush on shares. Terrible, self-fulfilling prophecy. So do be careful. We'll talk more about Dracula in a moment.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Stephen Moffat here today. I feel like I need to play another jingle, but what have we got? Oh, this charming man. He's the loneliest man in the world. That's usually your jingle. Sitting here with his partner.

I know that, but I think writers are always a bit lonely, aren't they? I'm not. Aren't you? How dare you? I know lots of people. You won't be when you leave the studio, because there'll be about 80 middle-aged men with overused plastic carrier bags and clipboards

with pictures of Doctor Who asking you to sign them. I'll make sure that I introduce you to them. They'll be so flattered by that description. No, Frank will be out in a minute. He's on a WhatsApp group with them already, don't worry. He'll be dressed as a railway porter, you'll know.

Surely writing for telly is the social end of writing because you do the work solitary and then there's loads of people on set compared to a novel. Yes, it is. I never quite... I mean i mean you write novels don't you i do i mean obviously you don't i mean you must go out in the evening and talk to people not really i mean just gonna make a note of that i like i call it i liked the sort of slightly disciplined isolation. Yeah. I have no friends. Can I ask you about Dracula's Castle?

Yes. Because I'd like to go on holiday there. Can you sort that out, and can you explain what the set's up there and how you found it? Do you want to read the TripAdvisor reviews first before you make a commitment? Yes. Don't spend more than three nights

and stay away from the brides. Castle Arava is in Slovakia. It's where they filmed Nosferatu. The original Nosferatu. Wow. And you can see why. Because it is the scariest looking thing you'll ever see. What you see in the show is what it looks like.

Taking some cars out the background and all that. But that's what it looks like. No CGI turrets. No, there's one tiny bit of added thing just for continuity for us. But no but that's what it looks like. No CGI turrets. No, there's one tiny bit of added thing just for continuity for us, but no, that's what it looks like. And it's in the middle of a little town, and there's this big fang of rock, and the scariest-looking castle you've ever seen

crouched on top of it like a giant vulture. It's extraordinary. Fang rock? Oh, Lord, I've set him off. Do you know that I bought Emily for her birthday a pirate captain? He won't know what that is. He will know what that is. What, you mean a Bruce purchase?

Exactly, a Bruce purchase. He knows. That was my... Because I always used to joke about how a lot of my parents' friends, because they were sort of actors, would appear in Doctor... would pop up in Doctor Who, and they'd say, it's not a Hamlet, it's a Who,

but it pays the bills, love. They didn't mean that. No, I know they didn't. But Frank was very excited about the fact that I knew this man who played the pirate. Bruce Purchase used to go to their house. Can you believe it? Did he wear the big thing?

Did he have the parrot with him? No, he didn't. He didn't, actually. He did on the figure eight. Do you know who wrote that? Who? That was Douglas Adams who wrote that. Really?

Was it really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I had a terrible experience with Douglas Adams. I met him. Was that it? Is that the whole story? No, I thought... I like stories that start with that sentence.

I had a terrible experience with... I had a sort of mental block. And my friend said, this is Douglas Adams. And I sang Bright Eyes. It's crumped. Watership Down. Thinking that he'd written Watership Down. And he was actually not very friendly about it.

Didn't take it that well. Was he not merely frightened? No. I would be frightened if that happened. I thought he was a bit. Inexplicably, a comedian sang Bright Eyes at me. Well, I wasn't... I mean, I don't say that's strange.

But he was... I wasn't really aware of his importance in the Who universe at the time. Hence the saying, never meet your heroes before they're your heroes. Oh, yeah. That is the dilemma. But, yeah. That is the dilemma. But, yes, that was awful.

Yeah. I'm sorry, everyone. It's pretty done. It's feeling quite sad about it now. That's going to have to be your new book title, Yes, That Was Awful. Well, I'll just take it from one of my reviews. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. So, Stephen, I think not many people know that you created the first female Doctor Who. Ah, Joanna Lumley in The Curse of Fatal Death. And I think she was the 13th Doctor, wasn't she? I know, isn't that weird? That is quite weird. Yeah, yeah.

I remember her being quite brilliant as well, even though it was just for a few minutes. Yeah, no, she was really, really good as the Doctor, actually. She was really Yeah, yeah. I remember her being quite brilliant as well, even though it was just for a few minutes. Yeah, no, she was really, really good as the Doctor, actually. She was really impressive, yeah. You didn't ever think

of giving her the call? I gave her the call when I was actually running the show. It would have worked, it would have worked. Well, she had a good sci-fi pedigree, of course,

because she was in Sapphire and Steel. Yes, which I had never seen a frame of. You are kidding, it was brilliant. Yeah, I know, people keep telling me I'd really love it, and I've, well, there's so many box sets, which I've never seen a frame of. You are kidding. It was brilliant. Yeah, I know. People keep telling me I'd really love it.

And I've, well, there's so many box sets now. I'm not going to live long enough to see all the television that's been made. Television needs to stop and let people catch up. That's a great idea. It's full. Television is full. Just hit the pause button on making stuff. Yeah.

I'm not sure that was a smart move for me to make. Okay. I've actually ended television, the only place that employs me. I worked out that I've got enough pencils to last me the rest of my life. Was that a lively evening? It was a lovely Christmas. It was a grim realisation.

Can I say, by the way, in the subject of housekeeping, that Dracula is on over three nights. It's on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd of January at 9pm on BBC One. And they're each 90 minutes. That's right. That's a lot of drac! Is it true the whole project started as a joke when there was a photograph and it looked like Dracula?

Yeah, a photograph of Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes framed in a window with his collar up, which, of course, he always had his collar up. And Mark showed it to Ben Stevenson, who was head of drama at the time, and said, oh, look, it's Dracula. And Ben immediately said, oh, do you want to do it? And with a turn of speed that does not...

Can I say the rest of us don't get offers like that no it was a joke and that was 2011 or something a long time ago and we're far too lazy to respond to something like that so it was many years later when we started joking i got so jealous reading that because we make jokes on this show every week and i don't think any of them have led to any work well it's the only joke we make that ended up at the TV show. I mean, some of my TV shows ended up as jokes. That's a different thing. Simply not true. I can't stand by and have that said.

Can I ask you a question about Doctor Who? Doctor Mummy. My favourite character was in Mummy on the Orient. I wasn't good about that. So embarrassing. When you were writing Doctor Who, did you feel... It's embarrassing. Did you feel that you were writing a children's programme?

I think fundamentally, yeah. But I have strong views on what children like on television, so I don't think children's television is childish. And I think a children's programme that doesn't appeal to adults is a very silly idea. You know, of course it should. And of course, I mean, what's Star Wars about a bunch of kids' films?

Of course it is. And that's why we love them. What are superhero movies? Are they, what, really? We actually think Spider-Man's a real person? No, we never grew out of children. Great children's stories appeal to children and adults. The failing

of adult shows is that they only appeal to adults, he said while promoting Dracula. So, let's just rewind that. At 9pm, remember, on BBC One. Emily, whenever I mention Doctor Who,

often reprimands me by saying, yes, that's a kid's show, I believe. What's wrong with that? No, I don't have any problems with that. I think it's more to do with the fact that I grew up with a lot of the Doctor Who cast in the 70s. What an extraordinary way to be brought up. Where did you be selected for that reason?

Okay, let me explain to you. I was Roger Delgado. No, I couldn't see these monsters because I saw them smoking cigarettes in our front room and having wine. Do you see what I mean? I have a remarkable image of Cybermen sprawled around your room babysitting.

It was a bit like that. It was a bit like that. So, yes, but that's the only reason I would say that. And also I know Frank is such a huge fan of yours though. I mean I don't think I've ever seen Don't embarrass me. Well you've already done that yourself. Let me ask you about Doctor Who. I think I've hidden that quite well. You seem

impervious to embarrassment Frank. Well I'm pretty good with it. Yeah. I embrace it. I think that's the secret. This is Frank Skinner. Yeah. I embrace it. I think that's the secret. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. I think Dracula is more scary now because people are more frightened of blood

than they used to be. You know, physiotherapists on football pitches wear rubber gloves and stuff. Oh, yeah. So seeing someone drink it really does seem full on. You think at a certain point people were perfectly relaxed about that. And then you decided to cross out about it. Dracula wasn't originally a horror story at all.

Well, I think it was certainly a horror story. But I think that blood, I don't know, I was around more blood in my teens, going to nightclubs in Birmingham and stuff. But now... Oh, that's nice. It's a very sanitised world that you inhabit now, isn't it? So Dracula's got worse. Good. Dracula's even more...

Please watch it. Jokes, adventure, excitement. No, it's fabulous. It's got a fabulous dark mood to it which permeates the whole thing. and you feel it a bit in your shoulders afterwards

you know when things linger in the shoulders oh right, ok, that's a plug book a massage for the 4th of January if you watch if I was going to plug it I'd say that it's got the best pre-titles interview question I have ever known in any television. So it's

worth watching it just for that. And by then you'll be hooked, of course. Oh, good. I hope so. I hope so. And flies. A lot of flies. Oh. Yeah, they're nasty. Now, flies are nasty. I don't think that's been done much in There's something that happened with a fly in the first 20. I mean, I couldn't. I think you and Salvador Dali are the only ones

who've really cashed in on the fly. You reckon? Fly horror. That's good. That's good to know. That's a pretty good Venn diagram. Do you watch it when it goes out? If we're around, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sue's accidentally booked the theatre for the second one. Sue? We didn't know the transmission did. But we do you can probably get a type if you ask the BBC there is something different

when you watch it go out, there is something different you know everybody else is watching it and it becomes a slightly different show and sometimes you like it better and sometimes you like it less you sort of think, oh that's not clear or we're labouring that point or you think, oh god that's actually funny and good it happened once, I think it was in 2008.

Will you watch it on Twitter, so to speak, at the same time? Oh no, Sue does that, but no, no, no. No, I can't do that. That's nerve-wracking. That's where the nasty people go. Well, also, that's when you start seeing Frank Skinner is trending. And I think, oh, he was all right 10 minutes ago when we left the theatre.

Just want an ambulance now. So I've got to ask one more Dr Who question. My mum always said, never ask the guests for autographs. I just want to know this when you finished Doctor Who when you put the last last

walked away from the last edit and it was finished and you'd stopped working on it how long did you have off before you started work on something else

sorry Stephen how long did you sit in a deck chair in the garden I think I was already writing the novelisation of Day of the Doctor. Oh, man, what kind of an ending is that?

No, I... And I wrote a play. I didn't... I mean, everything. Once you've done Doctor Who for a few years, especially if it's overlapping all the time with Sherlock, everything, however hard you work after that, it feels like time off. Right. Because Doctor Who's so hard

it's properly difficult, sorry Chris if you're listening, you'll be fine he's only doing one every two years don't you be mean to Chris no, it's a monster of a job no, I mean I was very actually the first thing I did when we finished

was I got on a plane, we went to Hawaii for a holiday and I had a brilliant holiday. It was really great. I really loved it. Did you eat one of those underground cow things? Do you know they put a cow in the ground? They cook it in the ground. Did I meet one?

Oh, I thought you said you eat one. Is that what you said? No, no, no. Oh, I thought you said, did you eat one? Yeah. Yeah, eat one. Oh, they cook it in the ground so you were not forced

to do that question during your Dracula publicity I have to say I didn't have a hand me done answer I didn't think oh it's the underground

cow question the old cow question again I think that there's a technical name for that event I think it's covered in clay or something

the cow and then cooked in the ground okay Dracula is on the 1st the 2nd and the 3rd of January. Largely above ground. Yes. Well, not always, of course.

Yes, and it is brilliant. And I look forward to the other two with some fear. But I think that's okay, as you say. It's Dracula. The stakes are pretty high. It's a matter of time Hold on a minute I think it had to be done

You say that but it'll be in the next series Who says it isn't in this one? Oh yeah I've only seen one We've covered most of the gags That is the joy of doing a story that people know, though, because there's a lot... I think I'm allowed to say this.

Early on, he's asked, he says, do you drink? And he goes, yeah, I don't drink wine. And you think, why, no! The thing is, though, that line appears, that line's invented for the Lugosi film, and it's in every Dracula film. Is it? Everyone says it. Really? Frank Langella says it. I'm not sure. that line's invented for the Lugosi film and it's in every Dracula film is it

everyone says it really Frank Langella says it Louis Jordan says it I'm trying to remember what Christopher Lee says I'm not sure he does but just about every

verse of Dracula says that at some point so we made it his if it's not too much of a spoiler his very first line yeah we're doing it

we're going for it we've sorted that one out Frank had a brilliant observation about the staff though no when he says observation about the staff, though. He says the staff don't work at night, and I thought that's an easy job if you work for Dracula. No, it's very true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Reflection time day shift. The truth is it's the unseen part of Dracula. When Jonathan Harker's staying there, he's cooking, he's cleaning, he puts Harker to bed. He does everything for him. Sort of Mary Kondo figure.

Anyway, I recommend people to watch it. I certainly will be, but not with my seven-year-old. Can I point that out? Seven-year-olds are welcome to watch Dracula. Don't say that. There's fingernails coming off. Anyway, it's great to see you as ever, Stephen, and I look forward to the...

Sorry about the Doctor Who stuff. Oh, come on. I know Doctor Who. I think I was pretty good on it. So, anyway, in the next two weeks, we'll be best of shows. We won't be alive at all. I always think the best of shows

inevitably are better they're really good, I listen to them sometimes and chuckle the fat is trimmed off them like an underground Hawaiian bullock anyway that'll be the highlights of 2019, we'll be back again on the 4th of January, the day after the run of

three Draculas is on BBC1 so what are four days that could be? We'll be the sort of chill-out room after... We might be the most horrific thing in that four days. Thanks for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't

rise, we'll be back again in 2020. Now get out.