The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Moses

Episode Date: July 15, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Nadal's head bump, the failed Dirty Dancing lift and Simon Cowell in a golf buggy.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This, however, is Frank Skinner and I found Emily Dean and Alan Cochran here at my desk. Great news. And you can text our show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I like the idea we were found. We were all found.

We weren't booked and fulfilled our professional duty. We were found, just discovered. Oh, they'll do. Well, it's a sort of theatrical term, isn't it? Being discovered. Something great about it. It is like being found amidst the bulrushes.

Is that where Moses was found? I don't know, but it's lovely and biblical. 8, 12, 15. Well, where was Moses found? I'm fairly confident. Don't waste your 50 pences. Good point. Fairly confident Moses was in the ball rushes.

It's one of your areas of interest, isn't it? It is, yeah. My specialist subject, Moses. That's his hobbies, writing letters, reading. Moses. Writing letters? Yeah. I used to put that to my pen pals.

What are your hobbies? Writing letters, reading? I'm afraid I was one of those people who used to put stuff like walking, films, brackets, as long as they're on television. Reading. I'm afraid I was one of those people who used to put stuff like walking. Films. Brackets as long as they're on television. Interests. What challenging or exciting interests have you put in the section of the form that says interests at 12.15?

Yeah. Don't include reading. No. Some people put things like friends it's not an interest is it I suppose I suppose one could have interest

I used to listen to a thing when I was a kid called the Billy Cotton Band Show and I had a dream that I was staying at Billy Cotton's house the other night with his wife I don't mean with his wife in any... Strange love rival. Yeah.

I'm guessing she's been dead between 30 and 50 years. But anyway, it reminded me, he did a breakfast show and he used to start like this. I'll give it a bit of space. Wakey, wakey! And it is ultimately no one's ever topped that as a way to start a breakfast show. Like it.

Brilliant. And then it used to go into Somebody Stole My Girl with his band playing... But I don't know if he owns it, if it's copyright. They didn't have copyright in those days, did they? I don't think so. Back me up. Very modern't have copyright in those days, did they? I don't think so. No. Back me up. Very modern.

Speaking of birds of prey, I held an eagle the other day. Did you? Did you? Why did you get your hands on one of those? I was at a fight, a local fight, and someone said to me, actually it was a journalist from the local newspaper, and they're always after a photo to fight. He said, could you hold that eagle over there? Sorry to interrupt, Frank,

but I like that they still have journalists at local paper because I think they only have that in detective shows, a journalist at a local paper. Well, I mean, in Broadchurch, I think the last series of Broadchurch, the paper more or less collapsed. Spoiler alert. I think that's not the big reveal in Broadchurch.

Was there other surprises? Never mind who killed, what happened to the paper? I've been worried about that for ages. The distribution was rock bottom. So, yeah, so I held this. Have you ever held an eagle on you? I mean, I had to. How dare you? No.

You know me, any excuse to wear a gauntlet, as we say in the SNL community. Do we? It's a sort of bigger version of a gauntlet called a gaunt. Oh. No. As gaunty. No, but you know where you have things like lut on the end of a word?

Yeah. Often means a smaller version. Yeah. like lut on the end of a word? Yeah. Often means a smaller version. Yeah. I'm trying to think of one. Starlet. Starlet, yeah, exactly. It doesn't mean that. Lovely.

No. Does it? Oh, well. What about heart now? So, yeah, so I held this thing. It was really, I could feel the arm muscles going. Was it an actual eagle? Right, it's quite a heavy thing. Was it an actual eagle? Right, it's quite a heavy thing.

Was it an actual eagle? What do you mean it was an actual eagle? No, I just thought it might be one of the lesser ones. He's one of these lookalikes that works the local face. Well, there are the lesser bird of prey than the eagle, aren't there? There's a kestrel in a false beak. Yes, that's what I would have thought, quite honestly. Now, this was an eagle.

Your eagles are quite hard to get hold of. Really? Well, it was strapped down. Also, I think recently we did sort of clichéd photographs that you sometimes see in newspapers. Is Celebrity with Bird of Prey at local fit? I don't know if that's... It feels like it should be.

If that's a cliché. I love it. Oh, it is, Frank. But I tell you, we looked each other in the eye, the way one does when you're very close to a bird of prey. Yeah. How'd it go? Well, I thought, you know, I wanted to say to it,

look, I've lost a stone and a half recently, I could help you. He looked rough as... What do you mean? What, he hadn't slept? He looked like he'd been sleeping rough. He looked really, like, dishevelled and... Yeah. Puffy eyes. You know, like...

Need a pedicure. Like he'd been on a bed. Nails are terrible. Yes. Anyone owns an eagle. Congratulations. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. when you're ready frank we have a whatever happened to suggestion oh lovely so this is from i think it's 281 good morning all long time reader and oh there's a bit of praise here. They refer to the quality of the show. I do apologise for that. Whatever happened to toys inside cereal boxes? I went down the breakfast aisle and not a single inedible lure anywhere. Is that right? In the

mid-90s, I once got a watch in a box of Tesco sugar puffs. Whatever happened to toys? Well, I thought they were still around you see yeah me too I tell you what I had the first time I ever discovered Letraset in Shredded Wheat

on the back you'd get a night time scene maybe on top of a building in Gotham City and then inside you'd get these Batman, Robin and various felons. Uh-huh. And you just used to go over them with a biro and you could put them anywhere on the scene.

I remember that. I used to love that. Other than that, I don't think I can remember a damn thing I've ever got out of a cereal box. And there must have been loads of them. Yeah. But I know they do settle. The ingredients do settle. If anyone's worried at home, they've been ripped off.

Yeah. No, that's just... What have you had out of a cereal box in the byway of a toy at 12.15? And well done on the watch. Oh, yeah. They don't specify what kind of watch it was. Are they on about the Hopalong Cassidy?

No, they've got... No, they've got it in their Tesco sugar puffs. In the mid-90s, I got a watch in a box of Tesco sugar puffs, which is... A watch? I mean, a great... Now, that's got... That's like when they get a chicken's head in a bag of crisps.

Well, you think it was a mistake? For an object of food. Was it still on the forearm? A factory worker's watch fell in. Yeah, that's someone who's chewed up by the machinery. Couldn't put any money on that. A watch. A wedding ring.

Yeah, I didn't like that blood, though, all over the rice and crispies. That was a weird flavour they tried. I must have had loads of stuff. I'm sad now that I can't remember all the things that I've had out of... I definitely have stuff I can't remember. Oh, I used to get little figurines, I think.

Figurines? Yeah. Choking hazards. Figurines are like gauntlets, you see. Choking hazard, no. Figurines were the least of the worries in my household. Can I say, I had a choking thing this week. You did?

I was talking to someone, and I was eating a raw carrot. Oh. And I started the sentence, what's up, doc? No, I didn't. And I was talking to him, and it went down what I believe is medically known

as the wrong way. Yes. Yeah. And I started... And you know when you get a really super choke? Oh, no. And every time I coughed, bits of carrot were flying out of me. It's like some terrible technical hitch on Guinevere on lottery night.

And it was... Oh, it was so awful. I mean, it was oh it was so awful i mean it was that bit where the you think this is it now i'm gonna die and you know you get a bit dizzy yeah well also if that was a soap frank i wouldn't i would be making plans for your next show do you know what i mean whenever they have a coughing fit i also i don't know about you and but if somebody chokes in front of me as a choking fit, I never quite regard them with the same respect ever again. There's something so humiliating. Really?

A choking fit. Oh, I just think, oh, get away from... I just think less of them because I've seen them having a choking fit. And so I was partly, even though I couldn't breathe, I was partly thinking, well, this person must be... I know, even mid-choking fit,

even when I'm saying things like, oh, my God, can I get you a drink of water? Inside, I'm thinking, oh, God, come on, I don't want to see this. It's like you've lost control. Oh, it's just embarrassing, I think, and humiliating. And what about when you lose your voice and you go, sorry, it's gone down the wrong way?

When people start... I can't stop my voice, it's gone down the wrong way. I think you need to go off somewhere if you're going to chat. Like an animal to die. People don't want to see you. You need the opposite of that. It's like in the gorilla community, when you're not well, you have to go off somewhere else.

It's part of the gorilla community, isn't it? So dignified, aren't they? They are very dignified. You got to give them that. Well, except when they've had black currants. Oh, yeah, that's true. They go cray-cray. Honestly, I think people know I know who I've seen choke. Really?

And I think less of them. Well, who is it? Well, I'm not prepared to name names. I don't want to show them up on the radio. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

So I'll tell you what I did this week. Remember that programme I've never seen, Star Wars? Yes. It's all about things that you haven't done that most people have done. I don't know what happened to it. Does it still exist? Don't think so. I don't think so, no. Oh, soon. Wait 10 or 15 years.

We'll have to have a series called I've Never Seen, I've Never Seen Star Wars. Anyway, I played my first ever game of Guess Who. Did you? Yeah. Wow. Passed me by completely Guess Who. You were wild, weren't you?

When would you say it was its golden age? Well it's been around a long time When was it made Guess Who? I'm going to guess I played it growing up in the 70s and 80s Definitely Are we playing Guess When Guess Who? It's a new game called Guess When Is it still the same I wonder?

Guess When wouldn't be a bad game, would it? Yeah. Because how often do you think... The other day, I remember it was the 13th of July, it was my dad's birthday, and I think Julian Caesar's as well. And I said... I'm glad you remembered his, you get so upset every time I get.

Same initials as my dad, but we won't go into that. So I said, and I remembered it was the first Live Aid anniversary. So then me and Kat said, when would that have been? I reckon 19. You know, it's quite an enjoyable thing. So guess when you could just have big events and you had to put the date on.

Lovely. If anyone, any game makers listening at home... Bit of fun. You can have that. So you've never played Guess Who? No. And what did you think of it? Well, I played with Buzz.

In case you don't know, that's my five-year-old child. And he knew, he'd tell me how to play it. He'd played it at school. Yeah. But he's only played it a bit, so it was the blind leading the blind.

Or the neocited, the neocited leading the blind. Are they still the same? There was a lot of, a couple of Charles Bronson, Britain's most dangerous prisoner, Leucolites. Yeah, there's that. A lot of moustaches in there.

But I think he hasn't quite got the hang of it. One of his, I think his second question was, do they look kind? Right. Which is, you know, it's very open to interpretation, isn't it? Well, not really. I mean, the Charles Balderson look-alikes I tend to say no. But then, if his interpretation

is different, he could flip down all the ones that Well, exactly. We're getting a bit technical now, love. Very serious about my guess who. We had a bit of a row about what constitutes a hat. Did you? I mean, I had no idea it was so complex. But it's a great game.

I'd rate it a light review. And all the women look a bit like Elton John in it, I find. Oh, yeah. Well, that's what women used to look like when I was a child. So maybe it is Elton in you. Every mum, all my mates' mums look like Sir Alton John. Yeah. And nowadays they all look like...

You'd think there'd be a modernised version of it. Who do they look like now? Mums? Melanie Sykes is who they look like now. That's a good one. Mum. Yeah. I'm glad I missed that.

It'd have been too much, wouldn't it? It would have. I'd have evaporated. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Have we heard from the outside world? We have. We've got various plates spinning.

One is, I think you were asking about Guess Who? Hi, Frank, I found an original Guess Who? in an empty house from the 80s. Oh, let's break this down. Breaking on down. A Japanese ghost film. Or I'm reading the beginning of a Scooby-Doo episode, I think. Or was it the negative equity?

Was that why it was empty? Could be. They'd done a midnight flit. None of this is explained by 377. Maybe it will be in a further text. From the 80s. Nowadays, it's much more flimsy, but still the same game. That's that.

And 318 has said, the first toy I remember getting from a cereal pack was a small cardboard wheel, approximately the size of the top of a coffee mug, which had a serrated edge and was attached to a loop of elastic thread. The idea was to extend and relax the elastic to get

the wheel spinning, at which point you would get a friend or family member to hold a piece of newspaper rigid, and you would demonstrate the enormous cutting power of your saw. Wow! I love it when Rayman gets in touch. To cut increasing layers of newspaper and also create an incredible noise.

Endless hours of fun. That sounds great. That does sound good. How many films have you seen when there's been someone on one of those buzz saw things? Yeah. Oh, well, the Batman and Robin was the classic, Frank. It's in a bond, at least, isn't it?

Well, I don't know. See, I get mixed up with the laser up the gosset. Oh, do you? Laser up the gosset, I know. Well, there was a classic Batman and Robin. It's Goldfinger. Don't bring him up at this point. You and I both used to watch, separately obviously,

Batman and Robin with deadly serious expressions on our faces, didn't we? We didn't know in those days. Tracy Spark says, I collected actual vinyl singles off the front of Kellogg's Frosties back in the late 80s, early 90s. Really? I vaguely remember that. Yeah, I think I might have had a Village People.

It was red. They used to be, there was sort of discs. Were they part, weren't they off the bat? Were they stuck to the outside of the packet? They were, but they were more plasticky. I suppose if you put them inside, all the sugar would get in the groove. You could put it in between cardboard

and whatever that material is to hold the inner cereal. You know that sort of plasticky... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We'll probably have a text in saying what that's called. It's not quite plastic, I believe it's called. Yeah.

It's a bit like I Can't Believe It Isn't Butter. The inner bag. This does get to... I certainly don't remember singles. What, 45 RPM singles? Yeah. Frank, does Guess Who still have the blue sort of domino frames for the characters that you flip down?

It has doors that you close. Oh, OK. Oh, doors, OK. Yeah. I once wrote to Dennis Law, the famous footballer. Oh, yeah. Asking for his autograph. And he sent me... He was doing some sort of thing with shredded wheat.

And he sent me back like a little leaflet advertising shredded wheat. But it got like his autograph printed on the thing. That was it. Like junk mail. Rubbish. What kind of an autograph is that? printed on the thing. That was it. Like junk mail. It's rubbish. What kind of an autograph is that? A printed autograph on a shredded wheat promo flyer.

Yeah. Still alive, Dennis Law. Thanks for that, if you're listening. Well, I mean, you know, a small child writes to you saying, you know, I think you're a brilliant footballer. He didn't even play for West Brom. I just, you know... No, he's just good. He transcended that. I know that's bad, and I know I mention this a lot,

but what about from Frank Bruno to Emma, love F. Bruno? Oh. Come on. But that's... I'm happy with... F. Bruno. Yeah, but to Emma. Oh, to Emma. Oh, I forgot that bit.

Yeah, but, you know, it's an approximation of a very nice thought. OK. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Tracey Spark has sent us... She's back again, Sparker. She's back again. I appreciate this is a radio show, but she has sent us photographic evidence, just FYI,

of the Kellogg's Frosties mega hits. OK. Get Up Before The Night Is Over, is what it was called. Oh, is that the record? Yeah. That she got? Get Up Before The Night Is Over. Does that mean work through the night?

Is that like an all-nighter? Get Up Before... Yeah, I suppose it're getting up early. There aren't that many pop songs with the message, get up early. It's a good number of that. Party all night, all night long. It's mainly bought by postmen and

milkmen. Yeah. It's good, I like the idea of the old early to bed, early to rise. Hands of the shipping forecast. Yeah. That's excellent. We've also had Rachel, who has texted 317. Hi, guys.

I once had a rubber popper that you turned inside out on the table and it would flip up in the air and that was it. I once stuck it on my head, don't ask why, and it left the biggest red mark in the middle of my forehead and my mum made me go to school where everyone took pleasure in taking the absolute mickey. I remember those things. They were a playground craze.

Is the idea that this was freeing cereal? I think so, yeah. I don't know what it means. I don't understand any of that at all. Didn't you? There was a rubber popper. If you imagine a rubber disc that you push in the middle. I wonder where that was going.

Yes? You push in the middle so it's like a dome, and then you pop it on the table, and after a little while, the outer edge of the dome will force its way out. I hate this bit. I don't understand it. It basically flies up off the desk. It flies up off the desk. I've never seen one of those. I hate this bit. I don't understand it. It basically flies up off the desk.

It flies up off the desk. No, I've never seen one of those. I'm sorry. I'm just describing it for you. One of the most awkward moments of my life. I'm just describing it. I'm trying to use the most descriptive words. Why are you so angry with me?

I think you're angry in fairness. I'm not angry. I'm on the defensive. It's different. I'm not angry. I don't know. I'm worried, also. Why? I don't like the sound of it.

It sounds a bit like you get from a chemist, something. It hasn't been something terrible. Is it a bit top draw? That is a good comparison. Is she thinking, oh, no, I said feathered weight. I meant boots. No, I don't. No, stop it.

I'm glad that bit of the show's over. It's a bit funny. If it is, I might just read it again. I think I'm going to set up a texting. Okay. You know, when they're doing proper radio. Yeah, go for it. What are you thinking?

I was seeing a friend. Oh, no. You don't... The fares have gone down. You don't think, what have you ever had off cereal boxes is his texting for today? Oh, where was Moses found? I thought it was going quite well.

I stopped that one earlier. I pulled up on that because I know where Moses was found. Thanks very much for asking. So do you want to wait to do the texting? Well, no, the fez, in case you don't know, if you're new to the show, I don't imagine you'll be with us much longer. But the fares, in case you don't know, if you're new to the show, I don't imagine you'll be with us much longer.

But the way that the producer tells me to shut up is she puts a small fares, a sort of Tommy Cooper type fares, the ones with the black sort of horsehair fringe on the fares, not the plain fares that you also get. It isn't just one fares in case that's what you're thinking at home. Someone's been playing Guess Who, Obsessed by Hats. That's in front of me, so that means

I have to stop this link. Unfortunately, it's been in front of me, I would say, a minute and a half and I'm still talking. So it's not a perfect system. But I'm going to stop now. But, um, it's, I'm going to stop now. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, so I was going to a thing, and I had a text from a friend who I was meeting. We were going together. Yeah. And the text, I wrote it down, actually. Hold on. Okay. We're going good. I may be late, there's a three-line

whip at the House of Lords. Oh, I like that. I think that's probably the best excuse for being late I've ever been given by anyone. That is good. And I've got to be honest, I can sense that person loved sending that. Well, I hope so. There was a certain amount of enjoyment there. be honest, I can sense that person loved sending that. Yeah. There was a certain amount of enjoyment there.

But I mean, you can't argue with that. You can't say, well, never mind that. I mean, they weren't too late, but you know, they did their duty. Respect to Mondo. I mean, I don't fully know what a three-line whip is, but I know that it's a thing. Well, it can be many things, but in a political

thing, it's because you've got to vote on party lines, because it's going to be tight. Yeah. So they need to get everyone in and they all need to vote. Well, Ed Burns was late for this show once. Do you remember when we used to have guests and his excuse was that his car fell in a ditch? That's right.

Which we thought was something of a 19th century excuse. What about my worst day? I don't lie very much at all, but I'm sort of bad at it and anti it. But I did one on a first date I was late, which is bad on a first date. But I decided, and it's always good to turn a negative into a positive if you can.

I said the reason I was late is I had to stop to sign quite a few autographs. Thus, bigging myself up and, you know, getting out of the big light thing. Brilliant. How did that go? Did that go all right? I would think it would. Well, they're still together out of the big light thing. Brilliant. How did that go? Did that go all right? I would think it would. Well, that's still together.

The first day? Yeah. We went out for a... I mean, the excuse, the lateness excuse. Oh, yeah. It feels like that would work. I've got a bit of sympathy for it. Oh, that must...

Brilliant. Doesn't that drive you mad? Now it's all part of the job. Yeah, yeah, you get to do your everyman routine. So then you're popular. Yeah. And also, you know. Man of the people. Yeah, you're good with it.

You're one of those nice people. And then I think I probably said that, I don't understand why celebrities moan about it. So now I'm lifting myself above. Oh, it's all plus, plus. You're ticking so many boxes already. Lovely. And that's before she's even seen your sparkling personality.

Yeah, exactly. Sorry, Cor. And that's before she's even seen your sparkling personality. Yeah, exactly. Sorry, Colin. Yeah. I think we went out for about a year. Probably on the strength of that one lie. One big lie. One big lie like Lance Armstrong. What's the best lie you've built a relationship on?

8, 12, 15. I get a text from Lance Armstrong, yeah. What I would like, like though as people to text is best excuses for being late they heard or used I was a child I was a child I was at school once and I was asked why I was late

and in the same way that I think your friend would have enjoyed that I remember distinctly I said I was on a night shoot I'm sorry and would have enjoyed that. I remember distinctly I said I was on a night shoot. I'm sorry. Oh, very good. And I love saying that. Very good. Did they know what a night shoot was?

Did they imagine you were after grouse? Yeah. I don't think they didn't. They just went, right, okay. It's a night shoot, isn't it? It's not like night fishing. People don't go out and shoot at night, do they? No, they don't, because all the birds would just sleep.

What about owl hunters? I don't think there are such things. What? Why don't you ask some of your birds of prey friends? I think they might be protected species. Owls are a protected species? I think so. I mean, I'm just guessing. I should have picked the owl up. Oh, I did pick the owl up. I picked an owl up as well.

What do you mean? When I did the eagle. I don't mean on a first date and I told them I'd been signing autographs, then we went out for a year. Yeah. I went out with an L for a year. I just couldn't cope with the late nights. Absolutely exhausting.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio,

email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Do it. I think Emily might have just hurt herself, Frank. In absolute agony. That's a new station. What's happened? We're in this new studio, and it's quite badly designed.

You can't say that. Hey, hey, hey. I love it, bar one element, the massive metal leg in between mine. Oh. Yeah, sorry about that. I think, if I may slow this down and just describe it, I think Emily's done that thing of, you know,

when you sort of wheel your... When you get the leg. ...chair underneath the desk. Yeah. So she's done that at speed and you know, when you sort of wheel your... When you get the leg....chair underneath the desk. Yeah. So she's done that at speed and then found... Oh, you're joking. Yeah. Thanks for the footballer's tense.

I think she's driven into the... What's she done? ...hidden leg. Yeah, anyway, it's all fine now. Was it a bumped knee? Is that...? Yeah, one of the most painful things that's ever happened to me, but there we go, let's carry on with the show, yeah. Wow.

Hashtag blessed. Yeah. Yeah. thing that's ever happened to me but there we go let's get on the show yeah wow hashtag blessed yeah yeah um uh so we've had a we've had a text in um about uh whatever happened to that i think is um an enjoyable one actually it might have been a tweet yeah from uncle eric should i give you should i give you the uh jingle first and then you can just come in and complete the sentence Yeah if you like Here we go Victorious tennis players jumping over the net Yeah

What did happen to that? It used to be absolutely A feature of the game Yeah I wonder if they've made some rules, like backstage. Oh, do you think so? Backstage? I bet.

It's not a gig. Backstage at Wimbledon. I mean, it's stopped, so... It's fully stopped, hasn't it? So I wouldn't be surprised. When would you say it stopped? This is my guess when game. OK.

Becker. OK. It's got to be Becker. Beckham. Becker. You know, Boris. I was going to say Jimmy Connors. He's very jump over the net. Okay. It's got to be Becca. Beckham. Becca. You know, Boris. I was going to say Jimmy Connors. He's very jump over the net.

Yeah. Are you going back to Fred Perry, Frank? I can't picture him jumping. I don't think they did it then, did they? I don't know. Did women do it? No, women wouldn't do that silly Billy stuff. Okay.

There was a... Well, obviously, Pat Cash... You see, Art Post Cash, I think all that business stopped. There was security nightmares. I think even as a child, I looked upon it with dread. I think if I'd have been a tennis player, getting to say I'm two sets up,

I'd start thinking, do I really want to win this? Then I'm going to have to jump the net. Do I want that in my life? I think in the changing rooms there's like a probably a dog-eared by now bit of A4 paper blue tacked up

just on their way out please don't jump over the net anymore if you win because there's a danger you fall in and also it could affect the setting of the net for the next match

well it springs back doesn't it with ferocity the net do you know what I mean I mean you could be catapulted into row D the net for the next match. Well, it springs back, doesn't it? With ferocity, the net. Do you know what I mean? I mean, you could be catapulted into row D. Well, I have a memory, and I might be imposing something on Wimbledon that was from my own experience,

but I imagine the middle part of the net's quite a bit lower than the edge. But I don't think that's true at Wimbledon, is it? I think they keep it quite taut. Somebody will tell us. Yeah, yeah. But it does look it. I think you're thinking of those old school nets, Frank, with the puddle in the middle as well.

I know those ones. Do you think they just went out of fashion maybe? Oh, yeah. I associate it. I know what you mean. I think it probably is a bit older than the Connors, I think it's more the long socks in tennis. And the plimsolls. When do you think it was?

I reckon Stan Smith might have done it. Good shout. Great shout. Arthur Ashe. Yeah, maybe. He might have done it. Someone might know, Frank, of course. It has gone.

Formula One drivers, when they're shaking up the bottle of champagne, do they ever think, oh, we've done this to death, haven't we? They should. But they still do it. Yeah. And they skirt it on the others, and the others look a bit, oh, I didn't see that coming. Why do they keep doing that?

Yeah. Rubbish. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I'll tell you something about tennis players. They are the worst packers I have ever seen. I mean, two bags for afternoon. What kind of packing is that? Rubbish. When you see them leaving the court after a game,

I saw somebody that had three bags. Huge as well. Three bags for us, they all. Yeah. What's in there? The towels are just splayed everywhere. Yeah, but they get the towels. It's like when you go on holiday, you don't take towels.

They're going to be the towels at the hotel. There's towels at Wimbledon. Well, we know that. What happened last week? Thanks, mate. They don't have to bring towels or balls. They're all there. No, they definitely don't need to bring them towels at the hotel. There's towels at Wimbledon. Well, we know that. What happened last week? Thanks, mate. They don't have to bring towels or balls. They're all there. They definitely don't need to. In fact, even if there weren't towels at Wimbledon, what they could do is lean across the umpire's

stool and say to the other player, I forgot my towel. Can I borrow one of your towels? Someone would help you out, wouldn't they? It's absolutely ridiculous. Who will be? The texting is, who was the last winner to jump the net at Wimbledon? What about this one?

Who will be the first player to have a bag on wheels? A wheelie suitcase at Wimbledon. It will come, it will come, it will surely come, as I think Brian Eno said in the King's Laird hat. I don't like those wheelies.

I used to love them, but I think it's a bit Apprentice Candidate slash stripper. I've always... I've not liked them. But you're winning me over. Yeah. Also, I don't think I've seen a banana this year at Wimbledon. No way. You haven't seen a banana at Wimbledon?

I mean, that's a Wimbledon, near enough. You haven't seen a banana at Wimbledon? I mean, that's a Wimbledon, like, near enough a trope, a cliché. Well, I've watched a bit of Wimbledon. I haven't seen a banana. You haven't? Have you? Have you seen any? I don't think I've seen it, but I haven't seen much Wimbledon this year, so I just assumed the bananas were still happening. Do they still drink

Robinson's lemon bar? No. I mean, they drink their own concoction, a lot of them. They sort of mix it up backstage. I'll show you what they do, drink Evio.

They love a bit of Evio. Every interview, big bottle of Evio, right in front of the microphone. Right in front, yeah. Oh, they're paying

top dollar. Indeed. And a lot of them have those energy gels. Maybe that's why the banana's gone. You see them do that, you know, the squishy

of the hand. Oh, it's replaced the banana. I hope not, because, you know. Do you eat the energy gel? You sort of, um, it's a combination of eat and slurp it, I suppose, because it's like a paste. Oh, like slush poppy. I like that. Kinda. I imagine it's not as good for you as a banana.

I imagine that too, but, um, you tell that to Novak Djokovic. Tell that to the Marines. Yeah. Don't know the Marines. Yeah. Don't know why they say that. Also, I'd say something else that has suffered greatly at Wimbledon, handwriting. Has it?

Because whenever somebody wins or loses a game, when they're leaving, I often think, oh, lovely, they're stopping to sign autographs. If you watch their actual signing process, they're basically, people have those big yellow balls. They get a pen and they just wave it in the general, they're basically shop soil Wimbledon merchandise. I can't believe there's anything resembling a signature on there. They just touch it with the pen.

Well, Frank, according to 383, the second bag is just to display the sponsor's logo. That's why they're always packed perfectly square. What? Yeah, okay. So it's just like polystyrene in there. It's some... I'm going to go... I'm going to use the word Potemkin. It's a Potemkin bag. What's that mean? Google it. Google it. No. I haven't got time. It's a long

explanation. Go on, tell us. Are you saying the battleship Potemkin wasn't really a battleship? It's to do with it being foe and a decoy. That's what it's about. Oh. Yeah. So is it just full of those, like, styrofoam ones that look like peanuts? Peanuts?

Do you know what I mean? Like monkey nuts but made of styrofoam. It's probably full of their Shredded Wheat promotional leaflets so they don't have to sign any autographs on their way out. And Tom says that regarding Formula One celebrations, there's a new trend starting amongst some of the younger drivers of drinking the bubbly out of one of their shoes. I've seen that. Instead.

That's the 18th century. Out of a lady's slipper. Except they don't. They use a sweaty racing shoe. Oh, can you imagine the state of that? Oh. But don't they have holes in their toes? James Hunt used to cut the toes out of his racing shoes. Did he?

He'd have been no good on a... He might have made an ice cream sundae last for five minutes before it started to come through the hole. When you think about it, the juxtaposition of drink and driving with the champagne, it's about time that was stopped. Well, I suppose, in a way, they have finished their driving, so it's a good message.

How are they going to get home? Good point. 8.12.15. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. You know, we were discussing your owl girlfriend. Oh, yeah. Well, I never said it was a girl. I'm gender fluid with the owls.

Yeah, he is. It's a spectrum. 743 has texted, your owl girlfriend was a real head-turner, which is good. It's good. I like it. We had a great game of guess-to-woo.

Oh, man. So it's not just Emily that's bumped her knee this week. There's been other injuries in the media. Oh, yes, there has. Did you see Rafa Nadal's... Is that what they call him? I don't know. Is it Rafa or Rafa?

I think with Spanish, you can leave out almost any consonant. You can do what you like. Well, I know in Portuguese, they don't say the R. They say ha. Right. But they say Jose Mourinho. Jose, they say, yeah. Not Jose.

Oh. They make it up. That's a different letter, isn't it? I call him Rafa. Do you? I think a lot of people do in an affectionate way. Anyway, he has a habit, apparently, I didn't know this, of jumping up and down in the tunnel, as it were.

You know when he's pining for the victorious net leap? He's getting warmed up, ready for it. Do you know what? I did notice something about him. I've only just noticed, how can I put this delicately? He might need a Bee Gees hat soon. Oh, is he starting to go? It's all part of it, though, Stuart Eurythmics. Is it?

Have you not seen this? No, I haven't noticed. Okay, I'm just saying. Anyway, as you were. He might need a bandage on that head soon, because he absolutely smacks it. Well, he has got that. He's got that sort of Crimean War look

with the head thingy-wears. Yeah, well, Andre Agassi was a big fan, of course. Well, he and his hair. We know how that story ends. Mr. Bump, balls about you. Yes. Anyway, Rafa, he was doing his jumping on the spot thing. Oh, I hate it with him.

He didn't check his above head, and he did it and absolutely clumps his head on a doorframe. It's a very good clip. I don't normally like a viral. He has to do that thing. Not in your community. No. You've got to be careful. He has to do

a thing of... He couldn't rub his head because he was like security men watching it. He styled it out. But he really clunked it off. You could hear it and. But he really clunked it off. You could hear it. And the guy he was playing, is it Gilles Moula,

he looked back as if out of concern. Well, he heard the noise. He looked back because he heard the noise. That's how big a bang it was. Yeah. And he could have jumped anywhere else. There was just that one cross thing going across that he jumped underneath. The headline should have been

Rafter Nadal. Oh, very fine work. In fact, he actually had a headline, I think, afterwards. Sorry, I've gone through the pond ceiling. Well, I thought also his reaction was very much,

he went for, there were two reactions when you injure yourself. You either go for histrionics, which I favour, which is... Yeah, exactly. We noticed that last link when you bumped your knee. Thank you for your input. Or you go for...

It's fine! It's hilarious! I'm laughing harder than anyone else. Yeah, he did. He laughed way too hard. It's a very sportsman thing to do. The thing is with Rafa, I bet you, that day, I don't know if you watched the game, but he lost an epic five-setter. The last set just went on forever.

And eventually he lost. But when he lay in bed that night awake, I bet he wasn't thinking about the epic five-setter. I bet he was thinking about, oh, I can't believe I did that thing where I jumped onto the... You reckon? Yeah.

I bet that was a bigger deal than losing a five-step. There's a theory it contributed to his eventual loss. Really? What, a mild concussion? Mild concussion. What I wish he'd done afterwards is taken the headband and worn it, um, vertically. Remember, like, the old...

Like Laurel and vertical remember like the old Laurel and Hardy the old the old toothache sufferers of yesteryear that would have looked fantastic I love that band

you're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio um so anyway so we're talking about Rafa yeah and his injury.

Why do they do that jumping up and down, these characters? Get in the zone. Oh, really? Get in the zone. It just gets the old muscles loosened up, doesn't it? I mean, I don't know if you've noticed, but I do 45 minutes of jumping up and down from 7.15 until 8 when we start this show.

I thought you were just furious. Yeah. You did a bit during the last song because I didn't know what a robber popper thing was. It's just how I get in the zone, guys, and I don't think we should judge people that need that as part of their... Well, I'm not judging him, but on your own head be it, mate.

Ah! And it was. It was indeed. Fantastic work. I think he handled It was indeed. Fantastic work. I think he handled it quite well. The idea that it affected, I mean, that game lasted about seven and a half hours. The idea that it affected that. I don't know.

I'm going to bump on my head. Oh, no. You do think about it all day, though, don't you? You do think about it all day if you bump your head. Well, I'm going to think about this leg all night. Frank and I have an engagement tonight and that's all I'm going to be thinking about. You won't be thinking about your leg.

What about 982? He's texted in or she. I've got the knock-off version of Guess Who? It's called Who's Who? It was £5 cheaper. Ha ha, hashtag thrifty. Love hashtag thrifty, can I just say? Who's who? Yeah, send us a picture of it. I hashtag thrifty, can I just say. Who's who? Yeah.

Send us a picture of it. I want to see what the characters are like. Okay. I think it's just a book, isn't it? What, are they all a bit more kind of unshaven? Oh, is it a joke that they've actually bought who's who? Yeah, I think so. Oh, I thought it was an actual...

I fell for it completely. I fell for it as well. Did you? I thought they were all wearing slightly ropey clothes and a bit unshaven, the characters. There you go. Oh, I believed them. They're announcing the new Doctor Who, by the way, after the men's singles

tomorrow. Well, it's funny you should say that. We've had a text from... It's not my funniest thing. It's the funniest thing you've ever said on this show ever. 546 has texted. Frank's not going to be at Wimbledon for any sort of announcement tomorrow is he people still think you're going to become the doctor

I don't think they're going to announce it at Wimbledon are they no one's going to come on the Duchess of Kent isn't going to maybe she's the new doctor the regeneration will happen at Wimbledon if the Duchess of Kent was the new doctor who no one saw that coming

she opened the envelope and went, the winner is me, like people do. And I shall be the new Doctor... No, not about... I'm working on the Duchess of Kent impression, but it's... I bet people have switched on their thought, Duchess of Kent's an absolute.

You don't get much call for that, do you, in terms of your corporate gigs? The Duchess of Kent impression. Yeah. It's one of those impressions that you can, people know she is, but you can get away with more or less any voice. Yeah. I mean, you want to go posh, play safe.

Lovely 70s town she's always got. Has she really? Yeah. Never noticed. But you're probably unlikely to become the next doctor, aren't you? Why? Because that kind of job could change a man, is that right? That is right. But also,

I don't think it would be anyone my age. Really? No, I think they'd just have the older guy. An up-and-comer? You think it's going to be a... Yeah, but he's avoiding our eye contact while you're saying that. He is. Now, I've arranged to do something with Frank later. I think it'll be Good Morning Britain's Ben Shepard, is my prediction. Do you?

Yeah. Really? I think that's unlikely. Have you got a prediction? I'm going Russell Grant. Russell Grant? Yeah. Rusty Lee. Rusty Lee.

There you go. Good shout. Yeah. Sarah Lee. Who's that? Next gato. Who? Chocolate gato.

Did you not remember Sarah Lee's Black Forest gato? I didn't know her that well. So anyway, I've been given a note that says 30 seconds. Is it your marching orders? It's a P45 now, I realise. It was nice knowing you. P45. People still get a P45? Whatever happened realise. It was nice knowing you. P45.

People still get a P45? Whatever happens to. Yes, I think they do. Sorry to hear that. If you've got one this week, condolences. Our thoughts are with them. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Breaking news

When I went out for the hour I can't remember what our night rates were Carry on Breaking news Who's Who is a genuine game See, we weren't fooled Al was looking for a joke that wasn't there Well, story of my life at the moment.

I had to flag that up because 055 has said, hey, guys, my mate had the cheap version of Hungry Hungry Hippos when we were kids. It was called Peckish Peckish Penguins. Oh. I don't think Hungry Hungry Hippos has got two Hungries, has it? Isn't it just Hungry Hippos? OK. Maybe it's just Hungry.

And also, I don't... I it just hungry hippos? Okay. Maybe it's just hungry. And also, I don't... I mean, maybe it was. Was it prohibitively expensive that there should be a knock-off penguin game? If you're saying that, we are in trouble. Hungry hippos? Yeah. It's extortionate. I don't want it to sound like... Also, we've had some wisdom

texted in. 329 has texted. Frank, P45, not always a bad thing. Can just be changing jobs. That's true, of course. I like has texted. Frank, P45 not always a bad thing. Can just be changing jobs. That's true of course. I like the Mr Miyagi type when one door closes, another one opens. Yeah. No, no, I like it. It's a good point.

I associate it with rejection. Yeah. In my own brief experience. With the old marching orders. Ah yes. What else? Well, I'll tell you what else. We've talked about Rafa's injury. And in other glamorous injuries... Oh, yeah.

A couple attempted to do the dirty dancing dance. Oh, they... They were doing it as a potential wedding dance. Yeah. Because it's very popular. Are you familiar with the dance that I mean? Um, I... No. I've had the time of my life. I know the song. potential wedding dance because it's very popular. Are you familiar with the dance that I mean? I... No.

I've had the time of my life. I know the song. I know, I was just telling you that. Emily was just beginning her resignation speech. I was waiting for my P45. I don't think any woman's ever said that to me before. I don't... I know the song.

It is a song that makes me laugh every time I hear it. I have no idea why. I find it intrinsically comic, that song. Really? I laugh when they refer to the urgency. I don't know, that makes me laugh in a song. But Sharon and Andy Price, their names are, and they were rehearsing this for their wedding dance

because they go viral, these songs. So Sharon and Andy Price are not married. Oh. Oh. Oh, well, I've called them... I think they might be now because maybe the news has come out now. No, I think they're guessing married. I think they're on their way to...

Oh, good point. So maybe it's not Sharon and Andy Price. They're obviously wedded to that headed notepaper they've got. So... So they're marrying someone with the same surname. Keep it simple. I don't know. Well, she's called Sharon and he's called Andy Price.

I may be lumping them together. Yeah. But anyway, they did this. They were practising the performance and someone was taking a picture, handily. Yeah. And, just saying, and they knocked into each other, Frank, and they were rendered unconscious.

Wow. Yeah. And then they had to go to hospital. So, just for a change, the prices went down. Very good. Lovely. I like it. Yeah. And then they had to go to hospital. So, just for a change, the prices went down. Very good. Lovely. I like it. Lovely.

Very good. He had a price on his head. Yeah. You were trying to recreate it in a beer garden. It was a pub beer garden. Did she drive the price down? I have seen this story, and what worries me is there are photographs, which you suggest it was set up.

I just felt it looked a bit staged. Why isn't that? There's no moving pictures. Yes. When I say moving pictures, I feel like one of those people who do a speech at the Oscars. The moving picture industry. Yeah, yeah. If you were going to try that out in a field,

surely you'd video it. I mean, this is 2017, when people video themselves well, If you were going to try that out in a field, surely you'd video it. I mean, this is 2017 when people video themselves well, never mind. People video everything. Why didn't they video that? Good question. Come on. Are you saying moving pics or it didn't happen?

Is that what you're saying? I'm just saying. Pics or it didn't happen is a thing already. Look, if I said to you, Al, me and Emily are going to recreate the dance from Dirty Dancing. Come along. I'm already getting my phone out to them.

You're getting your phone? Of course you are. This is only hypothetical. My lion waist and Kardashian rear. I mean, it's all going to kick off. I've got my doubts about the whole thing. I'm going to take the prints of this and of these pictures and I'm going to put maybe in the corner.

Wow. Well, Frank, I'll tell you what... It's a dirty dancing joke. I've got it. No, you'd video it. You'd definitely video it. Also, did you see the picture of them unconscious? Yeah.

Those quotes. It looked a bit like when Bals is doing a school play. Right. And pretending to sleep. You know when the kids pretend to sleep? I know they said that people came round and all that, the ambulance, but there's no pictures of that, I notice. Can I also say...

He had to be cut out of his top. Why did he have to be cut out of his top? Yeah, I felt like that was slight body shaming. Oh, was it? They just cut him out of his T-shirt. Why do they keep mentioning that in the story? If it was a laugh so nastily. If it was a really horrible top and somebody...

It could have just been a passing, you know, fashionista. I would have done that. That would be quite a good job for a really snooty Fashionista who's a paramedic. Yeah. You've got a sore ankle and they chop your top off. No, you know, forgive me if they, but I just don't... Were you a bit cynical about it?

I was a bit, Frank. How about you, Al? I'm a bit cynical about it too, but also I think we shouldn't stifle the joy of pretending to be asleep, because that is a really funny thing to do. But it's a bit cynical about it too, but also I think we shouldn't stifle the joy of pretending to be asleep, because that is a really funny thing to do. It's a bit odd, though. You'd think unconscious is a fairly easy thing to pull off,

but the first picture, the first time I saw the picture, I thought, they look a bit stage unconscious. Yeah. It's like a Doctor Who extra from 1963, just been shot. You see, I've made myself comfortable in the background. I'm going to be down here for a bit.

So, he asked her to marry him. Yeah. So, you could say she agreed to the asking price. Very good. Lovely. We'll leave it there. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

And that slam of the door was Emily Dean returning to the studio. Well, I'm sorry. You don't have to. I was a bit late. No, you're fine. I thought there was art afterwards. You made it just right. OK.

No, you're fine. I thought there was art afterwards. You made it just right. OK. So, um, Baz made a, um, Spider-Man dreamcatcher this week. Did he? It's never occurred to me that they have themed dreamcatchers. No.

I've always just seen the standard, you know, Native American feathers, beads, bit of netting. You're off. He did it yeah he meant he meant one with it with spider-man on so is it for catching dreams about spider-man or is it well I wondered

if it could be spider dreams because I don't know about you I've had a few horrible spider dreams in my time yeah some of them when I've been awake and under well basically poisoned my alcohol it's a darker anecdote I don't want to go into on Some of them when I've been awake and under, well, basically poisoned by alcohol. It's a darker anecdote I don't want to go into on breakfast radio.

But I've had several dreams about spiders. And I suppose it would also say radioactivity-based dreams. Have you ever had any of those? No. I don't think I've had a radioactivity. I don't have those ones. I'd say my dreams were isotope heavy. Are they? Generally speaking.

Right. So it's an, I've become fascinated by the dream catcher. He's already got a dream catcher. Good. You know, a Native American, Route 1 dream catcher. Right. And now he's got the Spider-Man. I'm wondering if there might be a market in this of doing different types of, you know,

like being in public with no clothes on, Oh, that would be quite a common... Yeah. I noticed an anomaly. Does Rihanna have those? Does Rihanna dream that she's in public fully clothed? Terrible anxiety dreams.

Oh, God, when I woke up, I was in the supermarket and I'd got jeans and a sweatshirt on. Oh, God, when I woke up. Oh was in the supermarket and I'd got jeans and a sweatshirt on. Oh, God, when I woke up. Oh, maybe. That was my Rihanna impression, by the way. I'm still a bit aware. She sounds a bit like John Inman. Work in progress.

Maybe what happened for Rihanna was that, like, 10 or 15 years ago, she had that anxiety dream of being naked in public and thought it was a premonition. Maybe she thought, I'm going to tackle this with aversion therapy. Maybe. Yeah. I'll just wear it out forever. I had a strange moment in a dream. That's what she said. I had a strange moment in a dream the other day. Are we doing

proper dreams now? No, I think we should. And we have occasionally dipped Tata in the water of discussing dreams and I always quite enjoy it. No, I know. I've got a good one about a shark and some bubblegum coming up. Well, I had this thing that happened the other day. Mine are all stuck in the net, I'm afraid. Do you know I've got a good one about a shark and some bubblegum coming up. Well, I had this thing that happened the other day. Mine are all stuck in the net, I'm afraid.

Do you know, do you know when you have a dream and there's somebody in it but they're not in it as themselves? They're in it just, it's, I basically dreamt, You need a Mike Yarwood dream catcher.

I had, I had a dream where there was an old man outside, I was in a hotel bathroom and I was washing my hands and then there was an old man outside. I was in a hotel bathroom and I was washing my hands. Yeah. And then there was an old man as I walked past. But it's an old man that I know. I don't want to say their name.

Oh, darn. Is it me? No, no, no. OK. But let's use you as an example. You know, like if the film credits of The Dream came up and it said... Well, tell me if it was an example. It's going to cause a terrible atmosphere.

No, but now you've mentioned it, we can do that. If it said at the end of my dream, old man it said... Well, tell me if it was an example. It's going to cause a terrible atmosphere. No, but now you've mentioned it, we can do that. If it said at the end of my dream, old man played by Frank Skinner, but you're not in there as Frank Skinner, you're just in there as sort of random old man.

Have you had this in a dream where it's... I think I'm back to the rubber pop. Sorry. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran together The Frank Skinner Show This is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran you can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio email the show via the Absolute Radio website I shouldn't have tried that in one breath at my age. Anyway. We've been gathering excuses for being late, and we've just had a message.

I was late returning to work after my lunch break, and after four minutes of being late, you had to write your reason in a book. I wrote, held up in bank, I was called to HR. I think some of you might have seen this coming. I asked to explain myself as they were under the impression there had been a bank raid, and I said, no, there was just a queue. I like that, and I also like the quite 70s use of raid.

Yes. You don't often hear raid often these days. No, do they? Yeah, you probably do when they talk about bank things, don't you? Someone else has texted in 445, my best excuse for being late was when I was 18. I told work the reason I was late was because the cat had turned the digital alarm off.

It got a laugh, but it was true, that really did happen. There you go. These are all worth keeping in your... In your repertoire. In your light bank. The problem is that I have almost no imagination and I'm so rarely late. Come on.

But when I am late, I just blurt out the truth, which is, I'm sorry I'm late, I didn't set off early enough. That's a poor one. But that, I mean, that is a catch-all for all lateness, isn't it? That's always the reason. I was in a car once that was hit by a boss on my way to a thing. I couldn't wait to get there to tell them what I was like. Because having got hit by a boss is such a great thing.

Even that, I still think is... Well, I recently bought a piece of, I'm going to say artwork, but that sounds a bit grand. It's just some sort of poster thing that says, I'm sorry I was late, I didn't really want to come. Perfect. And that's true, often. That's a good lateness excuse.

I'll tell you who we haven't discussed, though, in some time, and I'm a bit distressed by this, because he's one of my favourites. Is it Ludwig Kennedy? No, Ludo gets the odd mention, Frank. OK, I suppose. As my father called him, Ludo. Simone Cowell. Oh, yes. You know he's one As my father called him, Ludo. Simone Cowell. Oh, yes.

You know he's one of my favourites. Is he a friend of the show? I'm very interested in him. Simone? I don't know if he's a man I associate with friends. I think he's a man who has employees who have to laugh a lot around him. Yes.

Something like that. I mean, he doesn't really offer much for laughter, does he? No, but you know what I mean? Well, have you seen his hair? If he does. His hair now. Is it still black shredded reed, as you called it? Well, it's greying a little.

And he's still got that weird centre part. You remember I said quite a while ago on this show that if I was film critic Mark Kermode, who had his enormous quiff, I would have a tiny figure of a surfer that I wore on a hair grip just on the crest of the wave. If I was Simon Cowell, I would have, at the beginning of the centre parting, I would have a small model of Moses...

LAUGHTER ..banging a staff, maybe, on the ground. And then the two... The hair parting, like the Red Sea. Very good. Oh, hair parting. He was in a Hello, Hello, I believe. Yes, I think he was. Do you like the way I say Hello, Hello and not Hello, Hello?

Yeah. What small figures would you like to see augmenting celebrity hair? 8, 12, 15 I like the fact Moses is getting more air time Moses that's his second

mention of the day Moses Moses Moses with you he was in Simone Cowell was in

Thought Park yeah and he was holding the X Factor auditions Thought Park that would be a good name for a sort of a more high bro And he was holding the X Factor auditions. Thorpe Park. That would be a good name for a sort of a more highbrow theme park. That would be good.

More like Bletchley. Where you sit on non-moving rides and they just make interesting suggestions or philosophical debates. Yeah, that would be good. Snow is white is true if and only if snow is white. And you just sit and think about it and say, oh, man, you'd probably, picture of you throwing your hands in the air when you have quite a good thought. You see, I'd go to Thought Park.

I would as well. Because roller coasters and theme parks make me sick. Yeah. Not as in the action of being on them, but just the concept of them. Yeah. Because I find them so mindless. Oh, dear.

Sorry, but I do. Mr Thorpe is listening. And Jeff Alton. Yeah. Do you think they're both scribbling? The Tower's Magnus. What about Monsieur Chessington? Do you think either of these people are scribbling down

Thorpe's Park, Philosophers? I hope so. I hope they do, yeah. I hope they're thinking I'm having that. What about when I went to... It may have been Thought Park. Where's Ramesses Revenge? I look to you for this.

Well, I think... I don't know. He knew Moses, I think. I ended... Are you going to take us out of the link now? No, I just want to hear about Ramesses Revenge. It sounds like a stomach problem that you get when you eat in Egypt.

Well, no, I ended up, Frank, inadvertently on a photo call with Boyzone. Wow. On the ride. Someone has got the picture somewhere. I got on the ride. I didn't know they'd all got on, and I was on the end. And then I lost my shoe. I'll tell you where it wasn't, then.

It wasn't Thorpe Park. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were talking about Thorpe Park. And Simon Cowell, indeed. And there was an incident, essentially, involving a golf buggy. Yes. Do you know about this, boys?

Yeah. They were driving around in a golf buggy, the people from the X Factor. So Simon Cowell's driving. He's got Nicole Schertzinger sitting next to him. In the back, Louis Walsh and Sharon Osbourne. Yeah. And there's a lot of her and everything Simon says. Yes.

Simon says. It is basically Simon says. You have to do it when Simon says, otherwise don't do it. I think he was probably smoking one of his mental cigarettes as well whilst driving the golf buggy. Well, guess what? He was wearing cowboy boots, bootcut jeans...

White up and extra. ..and a white white up and extra. Yeah. And everything to me looked like Louis Walsh had been kidnapped. Yeah. Yeah. I think Louis Walsh is the one who's thinking, I don't want to go to Thorpe Park.

Simon will make me go on all the really scary rides on my own. Is he the James May of the band? I think he is. He's just looked a bit... Because the other ones are quite loud and confident. Yeah. And Louis sort of, I guess, not pinching me, Simon. Apparently Simon was in a wild mood

and he wanted them all to get ice cream sandwiches. No, no, he wanted to go on the Oscar Wilde ride at Thought Park. The Ballad of Reading Jail corkscrew. What a night that was. Yes, indeed. But Simon being

in a wild mood manifests itself in him driving a golf buggy with three bullied members of staff in it to find an ice cream sandwich what is an ice cream sandwich? I struggled with this when he said we're going to have an ice cream sandwich I bet Louis thought oh my god what does that mean?

I struggled with this I find the idea of someone as powerful as Simon Cowell going to get his own ice cream sandwich just unbelievable. I feel like, you know, it's someone's job. What is an ice cream sandwich? Is it an actual sandwich with ice cream? That sounds disgusting. Not with bread.

I think it's probably wafers, isn't it? Is it one of those ones where instead of a corny, you sort of get, it looks like someone's folding up a brassiere and put ice cream in it. Is he one of those? That might be like an oyster. That sounds like an oyster. He's got an oyster.

He's getting confused with oyster. No, no. There's no ice cream in an oyster. No, it is oyster you're thinking. Not a real oyster. You could have one. You could call it an oyster. Oh, very good.

You are good at naming stuff. I'll give you that. Those businessmen just listen to this show with a notepad in their hands. We've often talked about what we're good at. Mine's tiptoeing. Emily's getting stains out of stuff.

Oh, I'm so good at getting stains out of stuff. And mine is names for new businessmen. Naming stuff. As you know, I came up with Gap. What a meeting, that one. But I feel like there's a member of staff somewhere that if Simon Cowell wants an ice cream and he clicks his fingers,

if it isn't there within, like, nine minutes, they have to get a new job. Yeah, you'd think so. I just don't understand why he's getting in a golf buggy. I imagine that they spoon it to him. They just feed him. Of course, I had a terrible experience with Nicole Scherzinger.

Do you remember that? Did you? I had never heard of... He's worked for them all. Yeah, I had a terrible experience with Nicole Scherzinger. Do you remember that? What happened? I had never heard of the... He's worked for them all. Yeah, I'd never heard of the concept of the chest bump. Oh. So we were doing something. I had to do a...

I remember this. I think it was a Johnny Cash song, and I did it. She said, oh, my God, you're channeling Johnny Cash. Chest bump! And she jumped at me. I had no idea what it meant. And she jumped at me, and I grabbed idea what it meant. And she jumped at me and I grabbed her.

And so she arrived in chest bump position then she went limp on me. Because obviously she wasn't supposed to be. She must have thought I was some grim opportunist. You hugged her

like you were on Strictly or something. I caught her mid chest bump and I held her there. Like I was following a shoplifter. Does it mean I've had the time of my life? Yeah, exactly. I was a half-ago hero.

I think she thought I was just holding on time for that extra imprint. Oh, dear, that was awful. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Is there a more humiliating mode of transport than the golf? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Is there a more humiliating mode of transport than the golf buggy, do you think? Do you think that Nicole Scherzinger said after that incident, is there a more humiliating mode of transport than Frank Skinner? Good point. Do you think the golf buggy, would you say it was as humiliating as the Segway, for example?

Oh, good point. I've had some great times in a golf buggy. Have you? I've had some great times on a Segway. I haven't. Have you driven a golf buggy ever? Oh, yes, several times. Have you, Frank?

Well, I had my own version of this when I was on a golf buggy with Nicky Clark, Annika Rice and Coos Stark. And David Baddiel as well. Hang on, was that from the Loch Ness premiere? It was, yeah. We were on the grounds of Skibo Castle the next day. I didn't know there was golf boggies in the world.

Yeah, we were going around with that. I mean, that was my version really of the stars of the day. They were. I just think often, as indeed in your anecdote, the golf buggy, it's often driven by somebody who, outside of the golf buggy, can afford a nice car

and is a very powerful individual. And then you see them, you know, like Donald Trump spinning around in a golf buggy. That feels a bit humiliating. Donald Trump's put me off a golf buggy that feels a bit humiliating Donald Trump's put me off the golf buggy a bit there's been a lot of American presidents in films of golf buggy isn't there a funny bit of footage of George Bush

driving in circles what about when I was I was at the big chill do you remember that? extraordinary it's a festival. I know it is. It's a frozen food festival.

This guy invited me and he said, we'll put the tent up for you before you arrive and all that. And when I arrived, he said, where have you parked? And I said, he said, oh, okay, you couldn't park nearer. We had a space for you. He said, but don't worry, I'll take a golf buggy and go and get your luggage. And I said, but don't worry, I'll take a golf buggy and go and get your luggage. And I said, oh, can I go? Because I thought I'd go to drive a golf buggy, that

would be a laugh. So I went and got it, and I left it in some sort of, left it in gear or something. And so when I got off, I unloaded it. He said, OK, well, I'm off now. And he got on it and it did a U-turn and went straight across this tent. Whoa! Now, it was a cloak that zip was down on this tent. I don't know why, my first thought, my first thought was that there was a really big dog in it. That was what I imagined, like an Irish wolfhound. And I imagined him going over that.

But, I mean, there could have been people, sleeping babies, anything. Could have been all sorts. Anyway, he couldn't stop. He kept going. This bloke came out of the adjoining tent and said, What are you doing? And he said, Oh, I'm just... I can't get the... And this bloke actually said, stop driving on my tent.

And it turned out, when he finally switched it off, the bloke was a disc jockey. Do I still call him that? We can call him what we like. He was a disc jockey. And that was all his decks and everything were in the tent. And he basically ground them like coffee. I like, stop driving on my tent, Frank.

It's still my coconuts. And he was apologising profusely as he still drove round and round on it. And I remember Kath had to go into our empty tent in order to laugh. She was laughing so much. I looked at her, I could see her on the floor in ecstasy, rolling about on the floor laughing at this incident.

Oh, dear. So I don't know what I did to her. Be careful if you're on one today. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I believe we're at Thought Park with Simon Cowell and his compatriots.

Someone said, 740 says, you do give Simon Cowell a lot of hair time. That's very good. I think that might be Ian Engle making a return to the pun repertoire. And people are telling us what ice cream sandwiches are. Go on, what are they? Well, they just explain...

Is it repeatable? Yes. Oh, OK. What did you think it was? I had a feeling it was a euphemism. It just sounds like one. Well, I don't know if I can name the product, but am I allowed to name products?

Yeah. Oh, I'm going to. They do it on the adverts all the time. Okay, Oreo do a lovely ice cream sandwich. Oh, Oreo. It's soft biscuit with ice cream in between. Oh, it's one of those. Do you know those ones?

Oh, I like an Oreo. With ice cream in between. No, just standard, you know, the white stuff in between the black biscuit. Yeah, love it. Nice. So it's a bit strange. I mean, they're filming this thing at Thorpe Park. Don't send me anybody. I wasn't one of those, send me some free Oreos. Stick your Oreos.

Carry on. They'd be really soggy as well if it was the ice cream ones. Yeah. It's a bit strange that he goes to Thorpe Park to film it. I think that there's a big dual promotion type. I think him and Sharon a big dual promotion type. I think him and Sharon pretended that they banged heads recreating a dance from Footloose.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Do you think at any point Nicole thinks, these are just business people, why am I hanging around with these? You know, I'm talent. Yes, I know. Yes, they are all business people, aren't they? They're all managers. They're business people. Do you think she feels like a player

manager at football for that period? Like when Glenda Hoddle used to unzip the tracksuit occasionally. No, but it's like me going on holiday with, you know, the boss of our price. Or something like that. I wonder how his holidays are doing.

Probably not so well. Or her. Perhaps he's organising the Price's wedding. Yeah. They'll have got on to those sponsorship deals. Yeah. I have to say, she's very beautiful, Nicole. She is.

And I've sat next to her. And you've caught her in your arms. A long period of time, and I've held her in my arms. Been up close. Held her in my arms sounds a bit romantic. I held her in my arms. I have to say, and I think it's all right to say, she's one of those beautiful women

who is so textbook beautiful that I actually got a bit bored about halfway through her face. Oh, right. Really? You know what I mean? I didn't cover the whole face with my look. The symmetry was just a bit repetitive. It's just a bit.

It's like a photo. I mean, you know, she's very beautiful, but I like a bit more of an adventure. Right. Oh, OK. Over here in Dale. This year I spent, yeah, Dale Winton. Good example, Katie Hill.

Yeah. Those good examples. Who I think championed the dress with trainers. I think she was first. She follows the Nazarene as well. Does she? One of yours, right? Yeah, I don't think he follows the Nazarene.

Who, Dale Winton? Oh, yeah. I don't think he follows the Nazarene. Who, Dale Whitton? Maybe into a nightclub. I've lost my bearings there. I spent eight hours trying to remember Scarlett Johansson's name the other night. Oh, yeah. That's what happens when you get to my age. And I won't look it up, of course.

I will not Google. I watched Ghost in the Shell. And then after, I thought, oh, it's amazing, that film. And I thought, oh, and then I couldn't remember her name. And so I waited. And then she has got a face. See, she's got... She's a stunner.

She's very attractive. But she's got a nose that goes a bit more than you expect. Yeah. Okay. It's a little bit of a diversion. And bit more than you expect. Yeah. Okay. It's a little bit of a diversion. Yeah. And that's what you want. Yeah.

This is my Frank Skinner on beauty. It's a new... So is this, Frank, is this the flaw in the Persian rug you're referring to? Maybe. That's what you want. You want a little bit of something. You want the David Beckham lopsided mouth. You want that.

Something you don't expect. Exactly. A surprise on a face. Oh want that. Something you don't expect. Exactly. A surprise on a face. Oh. Yeah, here you go. Oh, I'm glad I've got that off my chest. That's what Nicole Scherzinger said after I let her go.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've had a text that I'd like to bring to your attention, guys, from 245. Frank, I went to see Tears for Fears, Elbow and the Killers play in Hyde Park last Saturday. I saw that advertised, sold out, looked a good line-up. There was a guy sat near us in a full WBA kit, I should explain, West Bromwich Albion, Frank's team of choice. A full kit? Full WBA kit, socks and all, and then he adds, quite a hot day for all that polyester.

Yeah. Isn't it? I look like a... You have to ask Adidas about what it's made from. Well, that's weird. I wonder... There is Jonasonas olsen who is um i think has now left the club right but he's a big music fan he might think well i've got all these kits left over i don't play for him anymore while i'm in between clubs before he's signed for a next club or has he just

stepped away from football i don't know the minute they leave the club they don't exist as far as I'm concerned. Right. Favourite food steak. But what about that? I remember Gazza once went on I think the Danny Baker show

in his full England kit just after a match. Still a bit modern. Did he? Oh, I like that. But that is a strange thing. Well, I didn't see him. And quite a long way

from home as well. Because can I say I was at that gig. You were there? I went to the Killers. Were you wearing a full West Bromwich Airway gig? Imagine if I was. That would be great.

Like a ladette from the 90s, Frank. If this texter in us said there was a guy. Like Joe Guest. Like some sort of Joe Guest figure. Yeah, exactly. I went to the Killers. I managed to wangle quite good. I'm going to say it was golf buggy

level access. Excellent. I got Artist's Village, which is very good. Artist's Village, you know when you get those passes and they're all kind of papery and you can't take them off? There's a lot of people listening to this saying no. Yes, you do, because you get those passes for everything.

It's not just Artist's Village at the Killers. You get them for normal parties as well. I don't know. I don't go to things like that anymore. Kids' parties, you even get them. Those ones where they have to be careful, because if they stick it on, they can take your arm hair. Exactly. You know the ones. I know exactly what you mean.

So I'm in Artist's Village. Killers are all milling around. I wanted food. I had food on my mind. And I know they have good catering. It would have been worse if the millers had been all killing around. Well, I believe they follow the Nazarene, the killers.

The killers? No way. They've picked a strange title, have they not? The thou shalt not in brackets. Killers. I think they're Mormons. I think one of them is. Are they? I know not in brackets killers. I think they're Mormons. I think one of them is. Are they?

I know nothing about the killers. Well, I know quite a lot now. One thing is that the backstage catering is first class. Is it? But I couldn't get any because I didn't have the right pass. Oh, no. So I saw this food. It was cucumber water with striped straws.

You know when it's all lovely. There was meat. There were cheese balls. I mean, you're not drawing me in. I'm not thinking, hmm. Meat and cheese balls? Meat and cheese, I'm in. A bit Henry VIII? Not with my regime.

Okay, well, I... I don't want to end up wearing like an eagle. They look so nice. They fit with my regime, though. Yes, you would have liked it. So I'm looking at the food. I think, I want to get one of those. I didn't have the right pass.

I went up there. I said, please, you know, can I have something to the woman? She said, I'm sorry to have the right pass i was so humiliated so i went up to the killer's mom because i thought she might be able to help one mom it was the drummer's mother i believe oh that's what they call the killers it's actually a family name steve killer philly's killer philly Yeah. And I said, is there any way you could help me? And she was from Las Vegas, wonderful woman.

She said, sure can, sweetheart. She did talk a bit like that. She said, honey, leave her with me. Leave her with me. So she went up to a woman and she said, can you give Emily, here's a laminate. Here's a laminate, honey. So I put the laminate on. I went up and said, excuse me.

They said, that's not going to get you a meal. You need a meal ticket. Well, I've been saying that all my life, right? I didn't have a meal ticket. What was I going to do? Well, leave it there, on a cliffhanger. Excellent. Was he there?

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We were discussing Emily's attending a music concert with an excellent line-up, and what I love about Absolute, where real music matters, is that we're discussing the catering. Yeah. What was their line-up again? Killers.

Elbow. Elbow. Tears for Fears. OK. And a few others. Et al al yeah so i'm backstage i'm backstage trying to find a meal ticket which is what they call groupies now now i was trying to find a meal ticket and i i couldn't get one i tried twice these women recognized me by this point and they were saying no no, I've told you. It's not one that I've told you.

It was I've told you and also the fact that it was food. I felt a bit embarrassed. And so I kept, I found the killer's mum and she gave me this laminate. They turned down the killer's mum's laminate, which is bad.

Yeah, outrageous. Did it say mom on the laminate? It should shouldn't it? It should do. So I spoke to the killer's girlfriend

and she said he was always such a quiet bloke. She gave me a laminate wasn't working. The killer's girlfriend? This was one of the girlfriends. I know they're Mormons but

No this was yeah this was the drummer's girlfriend who was lovely I couldn't of the girlfriends. I know they're Mormons, but... No, this was the drummer's girlfriend. It was lovely. I couldn't get it. So eventually, I just wouldn't give up, Frank. I mean, the gig was about to start, and I wanted feeding. I needed feeding.

I was like a lion. Eventually, I did find someone. She managed to get me this slip of paper. I went running down there. I was brandishing it. I said, I've got the meal ticket. I've got the meal ticket. It was so embarrassing.

And you know what? They burst into applause. The staff, the catering staff. Oh, lovely. They clapped. They went, well done! Oh, that is good. And then I just sat there and ate

for a good 45 minutes. What, while the killers played in the distance? No, I watched the killers play. They were marvellous. You've got to say, I don't know if you've had their food. I love the fact you sat there and ate for 45 minutes. This sounds like the sort of story I tell. I tried really hard and then I got food. I love the fact you sat there and ate for 45 minutes. This sounds like

the sort of story I tell. I tried my best and I got food. The gig was super duper. We watched it in the treetops. It was lovely.

Once you've had someone's gatto, you've got to prize them. That's the deal. That's what you said about Sarah Lee earlier, isn't it? Yeah, it's true.

Terry Lee. Anyway, thank you so much for listening this morning and bring on the feathers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

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