The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Mouth Noises

Episode Date: January 13, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has been given a Mouth Noises book which the team are sceptical about, he has a new idea for Night Nurse and a ripped jeans observation. The team also discuss The Royal Wedding DJ in waiting, problems with crowns and the butcher whose life was saved with a Black Pudding.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our little show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning. Morning. Morning, Frank. We've talked the whole night through good morning. Good morning. Morning. Morning, Frank.

We've talked the whole night through. Good morning. Good morning to you. We actually haven't talked the whole night through. And you. No, we mainly WhatsAppped, didn't we? Well, I had night nurse, so I'd have been a lousy contributor. Did you? Yeah.

All right. Imagine we had a WhatsApp group with Frank. Imagine if we had a night nurse chat room. I often imagine I have a night nurse. Where people all take night nurse and then talk into the early hours in a blurry green mist of nonsense. That's as rock and roll as your imagination gets there.

And then we wrote it all down and we turned it into like a verse play. Oh, yeah. And then did it at Edinburgh and then it really took off. That sounds brilliant. What about that? And it was just called night nurse.

That's what we called the whole thing. And then Night Nurse come in. Of course, once he got successful, they weren't bothered at the beginning, but once he got successful, Night Nurse were in saying, well, we want some money for this. There's been Night Nurses before. Yeah, they say you're clearly referring to that. You're even fuel by it. Then we got a court case

on our hands, which was just a simple idea between a few friends on a radio show. Which we win, and we drink the champagne out of the little plastic cups afterwards outside for a co-star victory. Like shot drinking

out of it. We drink 250 millilitres of whatever it is. Carver. 25 is it millilitres of that. Yeah.

Or we could drink we could mockingly drink creme de menthe because it looks like it. And it also helps you sleep. Does it? Creme de menthe because it looks like it. And it also helps you sleep. Does it? Creme de menthe, you drink enough of it, my friend.

Yeah. I thought it was the drink of choice for people that didn't want other people to know that they'd had alcohol because it smells of mint. Well, they used to say the Pope drank it. It may have been an old joke about it. Well, I think it's the drink of choice for people who are desperado. That's the drink itself. But when it comes to that time of the night

and there's nothing in the drinks cabinet. I haven't actually seen it for ages, have you? Is it creeping into... I think it might. Crème de Monde. The old joke used to be that a bloke had a drink of it in a pub and he had a whole bottle and just blacked out and woke up covered in green sick.

And he said, oh, I wouldn't have known any more of that. It's terrible. And I said, well, it's what the Pope drinks. And he said, no wonder they carry him around in a chair. Which I always liked as a joke. Very decent joke. I liked it because it had the Pope in it, but it wasn't derogatory.

Yeah. Yeah, that was, those were the days. So yeah, so that's the... The Pope jokes. That's the night nurse... The positive Pope joke. The night nurse format. Again, that'd be a good title for a band.

Yeah. Okay. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Hang on. What? There's been a few posters going up around my, in my area. Posters?

How are the 70s? Posters. You know these handmade posters with a picture of a dog on? Oh, yeah. Oh, like lost dogs? Yeah. And you tear off the little thing at the end. No, we didn't have that.

It didn't have that. The frill. Is that with the number on it? Well, it's a bit serrated, eh? It's a bit Flintstones outfit, isn't it? No, it didn't have that. It had... I'll tell you what it's got.

It's got two pictures of the dog. One sort of left-hand profile and one right-hand profile. As if you'd see it from one side and think, oh, I'm not sure that's it. But anyway so they've got that. They don't have it's name. Is that a good idea?

If I see it what am I going to do? Well I don't know. I mean you're looking somewhat searchingly to me as the dog correspondent. London's leading dog correspondent. I mean I know people are funny about names because they don't want them to steal the dog. That's why they sometimes... But if you need the dog back...

How do I know it's that dog? Well, exactly. If I go Shirley and it turns, I'll think that it's a female. What sort of dog is it? To that political correctness, I thought, can you actually say the B word if you're referring to a female dog?

And I bottled it. I think you can. I bottled it, as we say in the night nurse chakras. What sort of a dog is it? Is it a mixed breed? I tell you what, it looks a bit like a husky. Oh, yes. They're very popular.

Yeah, I could show mush. Since Game of Thrones. Oh, is that what it is? Yes, this is the thing. But here's the thing. So me and my child passed three posters with this dog on every morning. Still don't know the name. And there's two phone numbers at the bottom.

And Buzz said to me, why is there two phone numbers? Is it like a lady's phone number and a man's phone number? As if they were different in some way. That got me very confused. I had to explain to him they are the same thing. There isn't a special lady's phone number. At least not that I know of. Maybe on the dark net.

Oh, he thinks it's like the bathrooms, yeah. Are you sure he doesn't think that it's a couple that have lost the dog? Is that what he was implying? I suppose it's a family. No, I think he just wondered why there was two phone numbers. Well, I wonder why.

It's reasonable. What's the idea? Yeah. What's the big idea? What do I do if I see the dog? I phone one of these numbers, which I don't have why. It's reasonable. What's the idea? Yeah. What's the big idea? What do I do if I see the dog? I phone one of these numbers, which I don't have on a bit of paper. I have to memorise two numbers.

And then if I see the dog, I phone them. By the time they get there, it's gone. And they say, why didn't you call me? I say, well, what's its name? And they say, it's called Missing. I thought, oh. Oh, no. I got completely confused.

Totally confused. Absolute. I thought, oh. Oh, no. I got completely confused. Totally confused. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, so the other thing with this Missing Dog thing... Oh, yeah.

...is I'm keeping an eye out for a runaway husky. Yeah. Aren't we all, dear? And it might... What they don't do, these missing dog people, when they put their thing... I've never seen one that says found. Oh, right.

So you can relax now. It's just a constant loose end in your mind. Yeah, you know when you get like a sold sign outside the house. Yeah. You think, oh, I know I can forget about that house.

Bit of closure. Yeah, that's done. It's done. It's no longer on my mind. I might be looking for that dog for another two or three weeks.

For all I know, even now, that dog might be lying in front of the fire. Yeah. They're not very denouement friendly, these people.

No. I need closure on the husky I'd like them to at least put the name though I don't feel like that's useful information for them to withhold What do I do? It's my question, what do I do if I see it? Yeah you have to shout

Do they put the gender of the dog? It is a female So you can shout here girl at least I don't think I'd shout that in the current climate Well, they put the gender of the dog. It is a female. It is a female. So you can shout, here, girl, at least. Here, girl? I don't think I'd shout that in the current climate. Really? If I shout, ooh, baby. Yeah, that's fine.

That is definitely fine. You two, on the pole, here, girl, ooh, baby. I've got some options on that front, actually, on the dog calling. Really? What have you got? I thought, I'm in on you, baby. Somebody bought me a book for Christmas called Mouth Sounds. Really?

And it's all the different sounds you can make with your mouth, surprisingly, considering the title. That's quite a good present for you. Yeah, I liked it. You know, I'm a big fan of whistling. And mouth sounds, yeah yeah yeah did you ever tell when i was woken up by uh a strange whistling sound the laying bed thinking what is that because i live quite where i there's this pond not far from me with quite you know the various wildlife that right you get hanging around ponds. And I could hear this. And I thought, what is that? And I was really anxious and I realised it was my own nose.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was, freaked me out. You made Emily spit a bit of her tea out there. Oh, yeah. Mission accomplished for today, innit? Freak me out You made Emily spit a bit of her tea out there Oh yeah Mission accomplished for today innit Have we reached the stage of anxiety In the 21st century Where a man can be frightened by his own nose

I think you might have yeah That's a horrible moment in your life For us I bet he's also in another I've had the same problem but with my wife's nose Oh really Do you rouse her? well I just

not much nowadays you know long term relationships yeah but they love a take out on a Friday night well I was in my... Where I work is on the top floor of my house. Oh, I've seen that, yeah.

There's a balcony. Nice. Do you have a balcony? Yeah, I do. Is that what he means, Al? I think it is, yeah. Thanks for being here. And I was sitting on the sofa with a notebook writing some stuff.

You know, jokes, ideas, whatever it was. And I had my legs crossed. And my balcony adjoins the balcony of the house next door. But there's a wall. Right. There's a wall between us. It's a balcony. We don't share.

We don't share. Yeah. But then I became, at the corner of my eye, became aware of someone sort of either on my balcony or on their wall next to my balcony. I could see them at the corner of my eye. And I had that moment, you know when your stomach goes, whoa. Oh, really?

And I had that moment of dread, and then I realised it was my own foot. Oh. So that's two instances, one this week and one a while back, where I've been frightened by my own body. Is that what happens when you get older? Do you think maybe some mindfulness or something would be good for you? What I need is

some diagrams of what's where. But when they warn you about getting old, no one ever tells you that you become frightened of your own body. No, that is news to me. Parts slash sounds. All three of them, I'm news to me. Parts slash sounds. Yeah.

All three of them. I'm frightened of now. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, some of our readers have been in touch. Oh, yeah. And they were somewhat alarmed by, Room 101 was back last night, great one

can I just say? Thanks very much. And MK Knight MK Dons? MK Knight? MK Dons was alarmed by the sight of your feet. She says I was also frightened by Frank

on the radio's foot last night. We should say you wore a croc and you had a special croc sock, didn't you? Oh dear. Yes. Crocs and socks is a fashion that's heavily condemned. But I had the idea that if

you had a sock which followed the contours and holes of the croc, you could wear it secretly. Sort of fill in the blanks. Yeah. Oh, nice. I might have to retweet it if you don't object. That's one of the good ideas that you had on the couch

on the top floor in the office, isn't it? Exactly, yeah. On the balcony. I like it. When me and my fate were still friends. I like the idea that you were always on the couch because I associate you with the couch because of David Baddiel. Yes.

I tend not to write at the desk much. Do you not? I tend to be on... Well, if you're going to call something a laptop, for example, why am I going to put it on a desk? Good point. But also, I write freehand quite a lot. You're such a free spirit. I love that about you.

Yeah, pencil, biro. Bring them. Bring it on. You know, I find the joy of the pencil is that you can write whilst lying on the couch, whereas the biro, there's a finite amount of doing that. Well, what about the heartbeat of a paper, mate? The what?

Oh, I love that. Doesn't it have a small pump on a paper, mate, that keeps the stuff going through to the tip? Isn't that why there's a heart on it? Oh, I did not know this. Well, I don't know. I use a Swarovski crystal special edition spectre pen. What worries me is that someone is going to send in

an email or text saying that the Americans spent millions of dollars trying to develop a pen that writes upside down for space and then the Russians used a pencil. Which is a story that everyone knows, but everyone who knows it thinks that no one else knows it. Yeah. I refer again...

Gary Oldman? Gary Oldman, the classic. Gary Oldman. We're calling it A Big Mo. A Big Moment. Yes, because Gary Oldman's sister is, yes, we know, Big Mo from EastEnders. Gary Oldman, of course,

is having a lot of publicity at the moment. He is. For playing Churchill. He's done well for himself. Oh, yes. That's right. It's a big campaign, isn't it? It is, yeah.

A lot of adverts for it. Four hours in make-up to get dressed as that dog from the back window. But he's 59 now, Gary Oldman. Is he? Which, it made me think, give it two or three years and he'll have grown into some nominative determinism.

Oh? Very good. He'd be a nice friend for you. I think you should cultivate him. Gary Altman. We're just of similar age. Both came from the wrong side of the tracks. You may have done well for yourselves.

Did you come from the wrong side of the tracks? Did Gary Altman as well? Yeah. Did he? Did not know that. There's no wrong side. Well, I think you're judging by Big Mo, aren't you? That he came from the wrong side of the tracks. He came from the wrong side of the seat, so

he couldn't get off when he was a kid. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. On the Croc Socks front, I saw a lady this week.

I was on the bus and I saw a lady going past. Keeping it real. Love that, Frank. Yeah, thanks. Well, I was on the bus and I saw a lady going past. Keeping it real. Love that Frank. Yeah thanks. Well I've got the bus pass I might as well. Free innit. Two words. Tell me bits. And she had ripped jeans on. Oh you hate that don't you? No I'm not going to go on about

ripped jeans. Increasingly you hate that. I'm not going to go on about it again. In which area? At the knee? These were mainly at the knee this these was at mainly at the knee yeah and um you know my problem with them is it's like someone going to a fancy dress party as a poor person that's what i like about okay oh uh you do you wear no do you know why? No. Because I think I've left those days behind. Okay. Oh, right, yeah.

I think it's a little undignified. I just wonder about... Might come back, though. I just wonder about tan lines. Oh, yeah. Do you just get your knees just orange nipples? I mean, back in the day, I was Christina Aguilera, virtually. Were you dirty?

Yeah. I'm immaculate. But yeah, I was a big fan, but now I just think it's a bit Euro-pop. I had the same thing in my late 30s with baseball caps. Did you? I don't think I can do this at my age anymore. Flat caps now.

No. And they've been reclaimed by Donald Trump, you see. At least he's American now. I don't mind anyone who's American wearing a baseball trap. Baseball cap. But I am, oh no, not a British person in a baseball cap.

Come on. I will make the exception if anybody wants to send me a Make America Great Again cap. Of course you do. I would happily do that. Actually, let me stop this conversation now because we had a delivery today. Oh, yes. Yes, we did. Churchill, the hog talking of Churchill.

I'll come back to the woman I saw from the boss. But let's just hear this. We received... Remember last week I was discussing how it's a much mocked present to get a man of a certain age some socks. But I think it's a genuinely good gift and I really appreciate socks. And I got some for Christmas. And then Frank was like, oh, bamboo socks, ridiculous.

Well, you brought up, I'd never heard of them. And you said the best socks I've ever had in all my life. That's right, I did. Are bamboo. And I did say it. And I right, I did. Are bamboo. And I did say... And I thought, come on. And it sounded like a call-out to bamboo to send me in free socks.

It wasn't, it was just... I didn't want to be partied to. You know, every now and again, I say something on this show that lights up the switchboard, and that was one of them. Like, I like bamboo socks as well. I mean, it's mostly when I make mistakes

and people correct them. But, yeah. And then we've been sent some. So I said, you know, don't send us any. You did. I can afford socks. As is you want. And I said, you can stick your socks.

And Alan said... You do cherry pick what you will accept for free. Oh, no. So anyway, so then... So Bam, Bamboo Clothing, have sent us some socks today and with a lovely letter written on the sticky back. Well, you say lovely, it's quite scruffy. It is quite scruffy.

Dear Alan and Emily, it says. Woo! I'm calling that passive-aggressive love. We love listening to Absolute Radio. Normally we delete praise, but we'll keep it in. Well, that's Absolute Radio, so we're sharing it amongst our colleagues. It then says we thought you would like these, dash

none for Frank though, love Bam and have drawn a little smiley face. Mic drop. They have absolutely dropped that mic on you. I think that's fair enough. I respect their integrity.

To be fair to Frank, he stood back and said, no, I'm not having any. That's fair enough. I respect their... Integrity. Yeah. And to be fair to Frank, he has... He stood back and said, no, I'm not having any. I've offered him about 50 times, have a pair of socks. The rest of the team are in there. It's turned out to be a bonanza for me. So it's been good. So everyone's ended up with a pair of socks, apart from me,

and that's what they wanted, and that's fine. OK, I've got socks. I've got my croc socks. And what I'm thinking, though, what I'm going to get for my foot is a full-face balaclava. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've... I don't know if we can call this a correction, but you know we were talking about the pencil

and all the Americans were trying to come up with... Yeah, that story. That story. We've had a bit of information sent in from Texter866. Dear all, the reason America spent millions developing a pen for space is because the graphite in pencils at the time could adversely affect the delicate equipment used in the Apollo missions

if they were to break or splinter. Russia adopted these pens 11 years later. Good info. So the Russians just work with a pencil and we'll see what happens? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I wonder if they had the troll on the end. Maybe.

I should think troll hair, if that nylon troll hair got in the equipment. Oh, you wouldn't want that. A lot of people favour that hair now. Yeah. Well, I've walked down Camden, that's another... They love a pink nylon hair. Something else I saw this week I must tell you about. But carry on, you're allowed to speak, Emily.

I was. Lisa has got in touch regarding your relationship with bamboo, Frank. Oh, yeah. She says, I have a bamboo dressing gown. Really? And it's truly quite harsh on the skin. Samurai warrior. You know what I worry about this, Lisa, is the belt.

I mean, Frank's already talked once about how falling asleep in a dressing gown can be quite painful with the belt digging. Imagine the bamboo belt. I hate to see a dressing gown without a belt. And Kath, my partner... Well, so do I, depending on who's wearing it. She has a habit of wearing a belt

from a different dressing gown with the dressing gown. Oh, I don't mind that. Oh, that goes through me like a knife through hot bod. Yes, I know that look. Not hot bod, hot knife through. You know. Yeah. And sometimes the dressing gown belt is slightly more frayed than the dressing gown.

And often multiple twisted. Yeah. Sometimes it's like one of those cheese twirls. Anyway. Okay, let's get back to Lisa. I don't want to talk about dressing gown belts for the next three hours. Well, we are talking about dressing gowns,

but a subject that's dear to your heart, which is a bamboo. Oh, yes. I have a bamboo dressing gown, and it truly is, wait for it, a gift from the gods. Whoa, what goodness. Frank, gift from the gods. Whoa, what a goodness. Frank, get on the bamboo bandwagon.

I think I've burnt my bamboo. They make dressing gowns as well now. Yeah, they're all over it. I mean, they make everything. I've never heard of them. The bamboo car. I haven't heard of them until last week. Bamboo.

You say them? Yeah, the bamboo people. The bambo heard of them until last week. Bamboo. When you say them. Yeah, the bamboo people. The bamboos. Bamboo Radley. Yeah. They do scaffolding on buildings with it in certain parts

of Malaysia. If To Kill a Mockingbird had been set in Malaysia, he'd have been called Bamboo Radley. And it would have probably been To Kill a Hommingbird or something like that.

I don't know. What do you say was the most common bird in Malaysia? 8, 12, 15. Absolute. Absolute. I don't know. What do you say was the most common bird in Malaysia? 8, 12, 15. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We don't normally do music requests on the show, but we've had a text from 826. Morning, Frank and the gang. Can you please play House of Bamboo by Andy Williams? I've never heard of that, but I like the sound of it. Yeah?

You know that book I was telling you about, The Mouth Sounds? Oh, yeah. For years, whenever I've done an elephant, I've done... And they suggest in there that you put your lips together and go through the lips rather than through the back of the mouth. So it goes...

Bear with me. I think it's a lot better. I'm starting to think your popcorn mouth sounds is made up, Frank. No, honestly. I've been doing... I've been trying table tennis on Cass. And just to test... I'm so envious of her. Just to test she's paying attention she had to tell me

the score after about after about 10 minutes that is good it's a fascinating book I shall try a few I'm working on Ocean Liner Blast

for next week give us a burst it's getting there yeah do you know I can smell it when you do that yeah you know that smell when you it when you do that. Yeah.

You know that smell when you're in the harbour? Yeah, well, why can't I do it with my mouth? Anyway, so I saw this woman, and I said, I'm anti-ripped jeans. On the bus. I don't mind a laddered tights. Oh, I bet you don't. Oh, I like laddered tights. Come on, it's a bit of a peep behind the scenes.

Anyway, I saw this woman with the ripped jeans. Stay away from my scenes. And she had peep behind the scenes. But anyway, I saw this woman with the ripped jeans. Stay away from my scenes. And she had... Hashtag scenes. Absolute scenes. Yeah, absolute scenes. As George Lilliker often tweets. Sorry, Frank, as you were.

So she had ripped jeans on, but she had black tights on underneath the ripped jeans. Oh, yeah. I know that, Frank. What a nodding from the females in the studio. Very vigorous nodding. Yeah, very much a look. Quite a denier they were.

60 to 80? Oh, they were thick black tights. She was about 25, I think. I'll go this far. They're a bit young for me. You know his demographic's gone up. He's always saying that. Sorry, 60 to 80, you're right. They could have been a le know his demographic's gone up. He's always saying that. Sorry, 68, you're right.

They could have been a legging, they were so thick. Wow. And I thought that was... Surely the whole point of the ripped jeans is a sort of flesh and glimpse through. No, it's not all for you, love. I thought it looked terrible. It's a state mark.

I thought it looked terrible. It all reminded me of, you know when they have chimps in clothes? And every gap in the outfit, you're sort of confronted with chimp, with that sort of black chimp fur. Like that. You know, often the T-shirts on them ride up a bit and you get a bit of chimp belly in between T-shirt and jeans. Oh, dear.

Oh, I tell you, he was on to it, Darwin. Yeah. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. We like it when you do.

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Be modern. Or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's free. There's various recommendations for your choices. Yeah. Frank, I'd like to talk about Markle this morning. Markle?

Are you familiar with their work? Angela Markle? No. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Oh, Meghan Markle. What, and how's it... Their portmanteau word, well, if you can better it, came on.

What did you go for? I've gone Markle. Markle? No, no. That's just her surname. Harkle. I was going to say, she's really throwing me. I thought you were just doing like a posh school thing

of using her surname. No. Harkle. I do apologise were just doing like a posh school thing of using her surname. No. Harkle. I do apologise. Wouldn't Harkle... I'd like to apologise to everyone that's ever known me. Wouldn't the more obvious one

be Mary? Yes. Mary's good. But will Mary still work when they've been married? Or when they're divorced? Oh, good point. That's going to be

a slap in the face. Yeah. Oh, that'd be awful. So Harkle... What's going to be a slap in the face. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be awful. So, Harkle. What's his surname? Is it Windsor? Yeah, he's Windsor.

Oh, is it? They get to choose, don't they? They've got so many to choose from. I thought his surname was Harry and his first name was Prince, so I've got it all wrong. I'm only kidding. You're both looking at me like... Well, don't be too embarrassed.

I just said Markle repeatedly. Like a cray-cray. That missing husky could be called Prince. Could be. It's a common name for the pointy-eared big dog. Especially in the 70s. Lucky was a big hitter as well. They went to Represent Radio in Brixton.

They went to Represent or represent radio. Yeah, represent. With a Z. With a Z, yeah. With a Z, Zed. And... It doesn't even say in brackets, sick. Yeah.

And one of the DJs there... That means good, doesn't it? No. Doesn't it mean good? Well, it can mean good. I think that's what they care, though. The producer's nodding. Yeah.

Yeah, word up. See, I know. Yeah. Don't worry about that. One of the DJs there... I use public transport. Yeah. See, I know. Yeah. Don't worry about that. One of the DJs there. I use public transport. I hear stuff. He was called Giovanni Letford.

He was a little bit cheeky. He went a little bit cheeky. He was a cheeky scamp, I think. Yeah, he went a little bit leave it. He offered his services to them as a DJ. He slipped the old business card for the wedding. And he said, I say, if you don't ask, you don't get. Yeah.

I bet he said ask. Do you think? He said, if you don't ask, I say, if you don't ask, then you keep your dignity, is what I say. He said something that was quite profound, though. Like, if you don't ask, the answer's always no. Yeah, that was good. Oh, that's good, I like that.

And that's the sort of thing that you can put on like a calendar on a day and feel like maybe not in the current climate. Can I just say Giovanni, the answer's always no thank you. What did you make of this? He was an absolute scamp.

Oh yeah. I've started a Brazian manufacturing company. I'm thinking I might chuck a business card at the Queen next time. Oh, yeah, because she's got... She's sacked. Jettisoned the royal... Yeah, she's got rid of Rigby and Pella. She took away their royal charter.

Well, this is the problem, because they spoke out, and I think Giovanni might have blown his chances of becoming a wedding DJ. Well, you can't. They don't like it if you speak out. I think he... It's alright if they do. I think his was the right sort of lovable

cheekiness that might get through, whereas Storm in a Deco, which was the book... Was it? It was called it. Right, it doesn't sound that classy. The, which was the book. Was it? It was called it. Right, it doesn't sound that classy. The book that caused the trouble. No. That one, she got too far.

One does not like that. I think Rigby and Pellet, they could go bossed. Yeah. Oh, lovely. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Very good. Very good. I'll tell you something.

If there was any Japanese people watching that clip they would have been outraged oh really because when you go to Japan and you meet anyone

in any kind of formal way you exchange business cards and then you have to sit you have to hold them with your finger and thumb on each side of the business card

and you have to sit and read it in detail. And then you bow. And if you don't do that, it's really very bad manners. I mean, the ones I was given were often in Japanese. And I still stared at them for ages. As if there was some part of me that thought, if you look at Japanese long enough, you will work it out. Right. And I had to have some printed

because to turn up without business cards. What did you say? Just Frank Skinner? Frank Skinner and then an email address. Did they have a job on it? And they'd sit and read that for 25 minutes. Frank Skinner at Waitrose.com Yeah. So if they saw that, they'd honestly... That's not his email

by the way. They'd probably written off the Royal Family now. He was so rude to take that and just stick it in his pocket. Kristen Walsall has just pointed out, morning, guys, in the army, Harry was actually known as Captain Wales. Oh, I think I remember that. Lovely. That's like you being Frank Birmingham.

Captain. It's a bit like being Miss Bahamas. Kind of. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Bumble Mash has been in touch. Who? Does he still present University Challenge?

Hang on. After you repeatedly say Markle and thinking you were saying Harkle, how have you got Bumble Mash right? I'm really embarrassed about that. And I'm so convinced that I was right. No, this is definitely Bumble Mash. I don't want you to be doubting Thomas's from now on.

She's probably reading Tumbleweed or... OK, Bumble Mash. It is definitely Bumble Mash. He slash she, the avatar is someone eating an ice cream. Right. Dear Frank et al, why are we called readers and not listeners? praise omitted I think that was a slip of the tongue I had see, even Frank does it

a long time ago even homonods and I think because I feel that we have very smart and interesting listeners, judging by the texts and emails we get and tweets, it sort of felt right that they were readers rather than listeners. So I stopped with you. I think also I was explaining something that had been running for a while

and I said new readers start here, which is the sort of thing I have. So it was all those together. But I now do... People come up to me and say, I'm one of your readers. Yeah. Lovely. Especially at church. And I say, OK, we're doing Luke's Gospel.

You're on third. Yeah, so that's that. But you're quite right to us, you know. We haven't mentioned it for a long time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so that's that. But you're quite right to ask, you know. We haven't mentioned it for a long time. Yeah? Yeah. So, Giovanni Letford, the royal DJ in waiting.

Cheeky scamp. Can I just say, cheeky scamp, I think, it's a nice phrase and it's sort of cheerful and there's a bit of chutzpah to it. And then you read that he's 28 and you think, oh, actually he's a bit old to be. And a qualified lawyer. Oh, is he? He's a lawyer. So he's not

really a cheeky scamp. Not quite so cheeky scamp now is he? I mean Ron Paul of the Bailey was never called a cheeky scamp in any of the episodes. It's not. They've given him this sort of artful dodger. But he's got that

I think he might get some sort of role at the Royal Wedding. Well, I think he's modelled this whole thing on listening to you hint slash beg for a role on Doctor Who in the public forum. It paid off, Al. Paid off. Yeah, I saw myself with the Doctor Who thing. You know those films like On the Waterfront

where blokes with black woolen hats and black coats would stand outside the docks and someone would go you, you, you and they worked that day. It was like that.

Yeah. So that's what Giovanni's up to I reckon. Might work. He had some song choice ideas for the Royal Wedding.

Well he said he was going to He hasn't hung around has he? No. He's already got a set list. He's got a set list. Probably on Spotify. He was going to have Luther hasn't hung around, has he? No. He's already got a set list. He's got a set list. Probably on Spotify. He was going to have Luther Vandross, The Closer I Get to You.

I don't know if you're familiar with that. No. It's a bit sort of... You know when they did an 80s miniseries? It's a bit that, I think. If I'd been Luther Vandross, I would have changed my name. We don't want to put the concept of dross into people's minds. Is he still with us, Luther Van Dross?

And he's not a Van Gap Dross. Is he like a Dutch? No. He's Van Dross. I think he pulled a ripcord. I can't remember. I remember. He spent a lot of his money on cake.

I remember Ozzy Osbourne told me that he had bought one of those big Homer sort of armour-plated things. Oh, yeah. And he drove it to his record company or something in America and Luther Vandross's car was outside and Ozzy just ploughed straight into it. So, yeah. Do you think he was named after Martin Luther? Who, Luther Vandross or Ozzy Osbourne?

No, well, how could he be? Martin Luther's middle name was Ozzy Osbourne. I don't know that. Middle name was Ozzy. Yeah. I'm starting to think he was. He says he's also going to play, he thought he might play some Stormzy

because he said Prince Harry loves his grime. Now, can I suggest you don't do that? Because I don't want to see Sloane's with the friendship bracelets in the air. Oh, no. I mean, that's going to be... He does not love his grime. Yeah, I don't think he does. I don't want to see Prince Harry. Talk to my face, don't talk

to my palm. Captain Whale. Yeah. I'm not sure he does love his crime. Captain Wales. Maybe he'll take her name and be Captain America. Oh, that'd be good. Yeah, because she's... Yeah.

Yeah, she is. That's lovely. When I, at my wedding, I, you know I had a wedding once. Yeah. We had two DJs. I pushed the boat out Did you?

Yeah, two big lads They were from the West Midlands It was all in the West Midlands And they wore baseball caps And I know I'd condemn baseball caps But I make an exception for these Because they had hands on top And when you pulled strings at the side

They clapped Oh, excellent I would love to see Harry and Megan with those two guys that would be good and I went to one once in Birmingham and the DJ

was one of those DJs that used to ask questions on the songs do you know what I mean so he'd say one of them was, which will live with me forever. Oh, let me get this right. It was, it was what time of the week? What time of the week is it? And what time of the week is it? And how's the visibility? So he says, what time of the week is it and how's the visibility? Then puts up, Friday night and the lights are low.

Master stroke. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been talking about the cheeky scamp slash 28-year-old lawyer who's... If he's a 28-year-old lawyer, how come he's working at Represent? I think it might be a community thing. He might just like DJing.

That's a side hustle. Yeah. Got to have a side hustle. We've all got a side hustle. I've got one. I rent motorhomes. Do you? Yeah, I've got seven.

I'm looking for a caravanette. Oh, none of those. But if you were to upscale your desires, then I'm looking for a caravanette. Oh, none of those. But if you were to upscale your desires then I'm the man to speak to. You know that. You didn't know that about me, you guys. No. It's just a side hustle. Every day is a school day. Just a side hustle. Anyway, the...

I have a slight... I didn't see much of the visit, but I have a slight... I suppose Meghan has made them a bit more street now actually a bit more cool because she's an actress in America because the royals visiting represent radio in Britain feels a bit

ugh I mean even the royal children all seem to be about 53 even when you see pictures of them they look like middle-aged people. But maybe this is going to be a big change. It'll be a big change, yeah.

I mean, as you said before about the royal family, it is easy to forget just how posh they are. Yeah. They're really posh. Yeah, they are. That's their respect. Or do we not have respect? I can't remember what's fashionable.

Do you think if they played Dancing Queen, the Queen would dance? The Queen don't dance. Because that would be the first thing. You'd put Dancing Queen on and then just all eyeball her. How much would you give to have on your phone a video of the Queen dancing to Dancing Queen? Oh, Frank, that would go so viral.

Every phone in the room would be out if she got up to dance. Yeah, to anything. Well, Giovanni, Frank, said he was going to do a remix to the National Anthem. Yeah, I don't think you're allowed to do that. That's disrespectful. No, she wouldn't like that. What I like to think... He said it's the one where you'd get everybody standing up,

was what he said, which is quite good. It's a good concept. Oh, yeah, he said they're standing anyway. If there was a time to remix the national anthem, is it not during Brexit? Is this not the perfect moment to start? I think it's probably a time you could remix the national anthem and suddenly there'll be a civil war.

I'd have, if I was Giovanni, I'd go for the fall song, Spoil Victorian Child. Oh, yeah. Because that is a very, I'd go for the fall song, Spoiled Victorian Child. Oh, yeah. Because that is a very... I like to think it sums up the royal family in many ways. Can you imagine if that was their first dance? The child was spoiled Victorian. That would be absolutely brilliant.

Their first dance should be... I'm just wild about Harry. And Harry's wild about me. Come on! Of course, being filled with ecstasy is a very different concept nowadays. True. And the, come on, at the beginning, is that the Duke of Edinburgh? But the Wildebert, I mean, they've got to play Wildebert. I'm just Wildebert, Harry, haven't they, at some point?

Come on. Yeah. Do you know that song, The Sun, the Moon and Harry? No. I do. Does that spoil what you were about to say, that I don't know it? No, it hasn't spoiled it because it's given me another example of something I know that you don't.

Put it on the pile. I'll put it in my lever arch. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had an excellent missive from Simon the Cotswolds art dealer who's contacted us a few times.

Has he? Yes. Over time. Morning all, re-Harry and Meghan, it occurred to me at a dinner party recently that when Miss Markle says her vows at the chapel, it will literally be as the actress said to the bishop. Ah.

Yeah. I like it. Yeah. Very good. Strong work. And Clive Silas has been in touch via Twitter to say if he's a lawyer, this is Giovanni, isn't represent quite a good place for him to be?

Oh, indeed. Yeah. Very good. Great. That is excellent. Strong work from the readers this morning. Yeah, they're rocking. Still will catch up eventually.

I don't like this pause. No, I didn't like the pause. I didn't like the pause. But did you think... You see, that's the thing about weddings like that, is people tend to go quite cheesy on the music front, don't they? I think you've got to have a bit of that at a wedding, because Grandma's there.

Well, now Grandma's me. But Grandma, she doesn't want a night of grime. No, that's true. She'd probably prefer German techno or something, I think. Well, I suppose, I mean, I always think of old age pensioners talking about the war and stuff, but of course

now old age pensioners talk about the day of Clark V. Everything's moved on. But, yes, I hope they find a place for Giovanni because he seems like a nice chap. I don't say that about many lawyers. And the Queen did something resembling an interview this week. She did.

Discussing the perils of wearing a crown, wasn't she? Was I not just talking the other week about, in fact, last week, about whether at the Christmas lunch she wears a real crown or if everyone else has got their paper ones on? Yeah. Turns out now that that's pretty unlikely

because she says the thing is with a crown, you can't look down at all. Oh, right. So you'd have to eat your dinner blind you'd have to feel your way around the plate just using your sort of lower level

peripheral vision yeah I mean I hate that I might might see my own foot creeping up on me again I believe Frank what she actually said is you can't look down

or your head will fall off did she did she say head yeah did she actually say your head will fall off yeah she did I'm sure she did.

She did. Did she say that? Yes, the producers confirmed it. There is a family tradition of that sort of thing. I was unsure after Marklegate, but the producer has confirmed. That would be terrible if the Queen's head fell off. I can't think of a bigger news story. No, me neither.

No, she said that when she had to read, she had to read something during the coronation and she had to lift it up to her eye level because you simply cannot look down. Yeah, that's what she said. Good for the neck muscles, though. But I will miss the Queen's voice because I just mean that kind of way of speaking,

it's dying out a bit, isn't it? These younger royals, they don't sound like that. You said that as if she was going to stop speaking. I'll miss the Queen's voice. Well, that's what I was worried about, yeah. Like she's Gerry Adams. But the Pathé news film way of speaking, I like. Of course, you won't be with us forever, Al.

It's the finishing school thing. Yes, exactly. I suppose the finishing, my image of finishing school for girls is that they walk around with books on their head, which is great crown practice. Well, we used to have deportment at my school. Oh, did you really? Yes.

Wow. Yeah. Of course, Tottenham's Harry Kane. Harry Kane, I think, went to finishing school. He did, yeah. He's a very good absolute star there. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So were you impressed by the Queen?

Did you see the... I'm impressed by anyone that old who can still put two words together, to be honest. It really makes me think. What is she, 91? It gives me something to dream of about my advancing years she seems completely articulate

and together I think she might be a good laugh I was saying to you let's not go over the top you're not having that see do you you were talking about

the royal coach she was really moaning about it 1953 and still whinging about it she hasn't moved on there was suspensions bouncing bad. 1953 and still whinging about it. She hasn't moved on.

There was suspension bouncing up and down. I'd have thought if the suspension's bad in the Royal Coach, her being a horsey type, she could have gone into a rising trot. It would have looked like a fairground shooting range. Queen appears, queen disappears, queen appears, queen disappears.

It might have been led to gossip I suppose I liked her saying that with the crown she said fortunately my father and I had a similar sized head

like they couldn't have adjusted it in any way exactly it's harder to adjust it's not like a snapback baseball cap

no it doesn't have those things you can have some sort of they have a sateen padding inside it's one size fits all It's not like a snapback baseball cap or something. No, it doesn't have those things on. You can have some sort of, you know, they have a sateen padding inside. It's one size fits all, I think, with the crown. Does it leave hat hair?

That's what I've always wondered. Crown hair you get. Do you think you get crown hair? Well, the Queen's had it for some 70 years, that hat hair. The nice thing is, I think the ermine probably takes the edge off the crown hair but it's going to be just a certain, your central hair will be fine because crown doesn't

really deal with that at all. I think I'd get on well with the queen. I wonder if it's hot. I just think she'd like me I know it's arrogant but I think she would. In hot countries do you think you can take the velvet in a cover off? Let the air get through. Like a detachable hood on a ski jacket.

It's like a convertible, you just take that take the velvet off, say to one of your ladies in waiting, put that in a plastic bag, don't lose it and then you've got all the air coming through I think with the hat hair thing, I think she has to decide at the start of the day, it's either

crown or no crown, like she can't go to an event, put it on for a bit and then take it off for a bit, because then there'll be the haphazard. Well, there is always, of course, the Queen always has the halfway house available for crown and no crown, the tiara. Oh, I love a tiara.

The tiara, it's a sort of travel crown. You're right. If she thinks I can't face the full, the full Monty, get the tiara out. Like when you work with a music act and they've got one of those small guitars rather than the full shebang. But as she pointed out, diamonds are heavy.

Did she say that? I love that Bond film. Well, I think the interviewer might have pointed it out and she heartily agreed how heavy the diamonds were. I have the same problem with my flat cap when I'm on dog walks. It's just, it's very bejeweled. Yeah. It's those hands, those very bejeweled. Yeah. It's those hands.

I was clapping hands on top of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Add the extra weight. Well, they wear rings on my hat, those hands. I, yeah, I do. I like the fact that she's still, they can put her out in public. She doesn't show herself.

She's still driving. Is she driving? We did it last year. Oh, the Queen of Bones. Behind the Land Rover with the scarf. Didn't she kill somebody? Green Jag. Wearing a Drizerbone.

Jaguar X-Type, actually. Didn't she go off-road accidentally? I think she swerved around some pedestrians. Yeah, I don't know if I'd want to lift from that. That'd be a good brag, but I'd be... It'd be like sitting in the passenger seat. You know when you sit next to someone who's blowing up a really big balloon

and they keep going, you're just waiting. That's what it'd be like. It'd be terrifying. Still does the hand signals. That's why she wears the long gloves. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Frank, I think we should take a little saunterette

into Email Corner. I take a little wander on a Sunday morning. Come on, everybody. I'm going to struggle with that one. I'm not going to lie. Really is a treat. We do occasionally get emails saying whatever happened to Email corner, so I think

we should sashay there, as indeed Emily said. A jingle? Do you want the jingle? Yeah, I'd love it, thank you. Dust it off. Thank you so much for asking, yes, I would. I don't know if I can find it. Oh, here we go.

Me by gun, me by gun, me by gun, I've missed that. Lovely. Al, me by gum, me by gum in the corner. I've missed that. Lovely. Al, do you want to kick off? Sure. Hi, Frank, Alan and the Divine Emily.

I went from innkeeper to narrator in the nativity play at infant school. No, no, we should say this. I was on a band that my son was the narrator in the nativity play. And I was too. Yeah, it's a popular role, and I was saying that my favourite ever narrator was in Ross Myers' Beneath the Valley of the Ultra Vixens. Yeah.

It continues. I went from innkeeper to narrator in the Nativity play at infant school. Not sure how that happened. Big step up at such a young age, but it didn't lead to any future stage work. I now build stair lifts for a living. Okay. I mean, it's not a natural

career ladder, if you will. At least you can always pay your bills. Yeah. Okay. Sensible, but not very glamorous advice. I can see, though, that the thing is with the narrator, it's not going to get you more acting work because it's not really an acting role.

It's announcing. It's announcing. It's very front of cloth, is what I would say. You're talking direct to the audience. Totally. You might get some corporate work off it. Yes, I think that's right. She looks at me.

Are you the narrator? You should think about it. No, I think that's right. She looks at me. Are you the narrator? You should think about it. No, I don't think I was a narrator. I got demoted from shepherd to not in the play. Oh. At the stroke. Why were you suddenly not in the play? Yeah, it was naughty, Al.

I was head shepherd. I mean, I was, you know, everything was going great for me. When you say head, I mean, what did it involve other than wearing a towel on your head? Well, it was, you know, it was a great for me. When you say head, I mean, what did it involve other than wearing a towel on your head? Well, it was, you know, it was a big deal to be head shepherd. Head shepherd is not just leader of the pack, it's leader of the leaders of the pack. Yeah, lovely.

Yeah, exactly. Leader of the flock. At least you weren't a sheep. That would have been a less popular song, wouldn't it? That's when I fell for the leader of the flock. Bear, bear, bear. Is that in the book? That was working on the cruise line.

Do you know it's improved in the last hour? Oh, it is. I think my throat gets warmer. Oh, yeah. Anyway, so we had our rehearsal, and she said, like, in come the shepherds and kneel around the baby Jesus. So I led, I was a shepherd, I led the,

we were like geese, like a V formation. And I saw the baby Jesus, but he hadn't been put in the manger. He was in a crisp box, you know those box that the crisps come in put in the manger. He was in a crisp box. You know those boxes with the crisps coming? At the back. So I went and knelt next to that. Because that's where the baby Jesus was.

And of course the others followed me like geese. Yeah. And Miss Knight, actually it was, the headmistress, absolutely furious. Yeah. And she picked me up upside down, I remember. I went upside down, my headdress fell off. Oh, no.

And as I swung round... Quite undignified for the leader of the Shepherds. I swung and gravity, the way gravity took me, my hand actually touched stocking top. Oh, my goodness. I know. And she oh, she went. And so as a consequence,

I mean, I couldn't, you know, I couldn't help it. No. That's what they all say. Oh, come on. Most of them weren't being picked upside down at the time. And she said that's it, you're not in the play at all now. So I wasn't even

like the tiny, I wasn't even I wasn't even like the tiny I wasn't even like donkey dropping so what did you do did you just have to watch it from the stalls there I wasn't even

allowed to go I was just like I just sat in the wings like a footballer that wasn't even allowed to travel like yeah

like somebody that had missed training and you weren't allowed to travel on a cocktail or something for a gravity based stocking top incident, which was not with my own. Which was also caused by you being too literal.

Like, you thought the baby was in the crisp box. I thought his levels of humility had gone up a notch. Again, now he was in a crisp box. Imagine if it was too good for him. But, yeah, so that was a horrible experience. But that's nice, I think. A stair lift feels like a good good work to me you're really helping yeah people um i think i only know stan i think i think his customers are moving up in the world that's what i think

well no but they also move down in the world, don't they? Yeah, but it's not a phrase. I really want one of those. That's not a phrase. It wouldn't really be a joke. Okay. They're moving down. It must be a going down joke.

Oh, no, maybe not. Oh, God. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Frank, I'd like to move on to email two. I'm calling it email two now. Yeah, I am. OK.

Sue me. This is Lindsay, who says, Good morning, all. I failed to heed Frank's warning. Hold on a minute. Good morning, all. I failed to heed Frank's warning. Hold on a minute. Good morning, Tokyo. Come on. I see you're singing at home.

Nice to be seen. Oh, sorry, happy. Misled you. Happy to be seen here. Oh, how lovely. I think you just talked yourself out of the wedding DJ job there. I probably did. I was right up there as well in the running.

Sorry. I know. Time is it and what's the atmosphere like? Whatever it was. I know. Go on, sorry. It's hardly everybody walked that dinosaur. No.

This is from Lindsay, yeah. She says, good morning. I fell to heed Frank's warning to take my tree down last Saturday. Yes, I pointed out that the 6th of December is, I think, officially the last day of Christmas. Yeah. And I was always told if you don't take your tree down before midnight on the 6th, then ill luck will be for you.

I've had plenty of time to do it, but spent this time staring at it, thinking I should really take that down, while stroking the dogs. I like that that's an activity in its own right. Eating breakfast, brushing my hair. I hope this is not chronological order. Staring at the wall. Ah.

That bit of thing's OK. Basically doing anything but take the tree down. On Tuesday evening, I glanced at it again and thought, I bet the bad luck has kicked in now. What is wrong with me? Why is that tree still up? At exactly the same time, I heard a huge cracking noise. The 300 litre fish tank that I was sat next to in my living room burst. 250 litres made it onto the carpet and flooded the room.

Today, the insurance company sent some men to look at the carpet. The tree was still up. Out of embarrassment, before they arrived, I picked up the entire tree and carried it into another room. I like her. I tripped on the way there, snapped the feet off the tree and hit my head on the wall. The entire tree is now in the bin.

I will pay more attention to the wisdom you all dispense from now on. That praise redacted Lindsay. Well there you go, that's a cautionary tale, if it's fair to say. I mean I really want to know what happened to the fish in all this. Oh yeah. Exactly, you're stroking the dogs, what about the fish?

Presumably the fish swam to the 50 litres that did not come out yeah but that would be full of shards pointy shards that would be in the

in the carpet yeah it's I'd like to know if the fish if you're listening Lindsay Lindsay

let us know how the fish got on it's the sort of thing our readers will be concerned about me too I took our tree out and I used my leather gloves

which are mostly a fashion item but it was nice to get a practical usage out of them. Well, I like that because it's a bit Police 5 Reconstruction, the old leather gloves. It is, yeah.

And you don't see them often outside of that. I think only, really, criminals wear leather gloves now. But criminals on telly? And me. Really? I don't think they do IRL. No, you're probably right.

Probably use some sanitiser. Not a criminal. To my knowledge. We carried our tree. There's like a Christmas tree graveyard. Oh, I carried a water man then. Next to me. And we carried you see people

walking down the street carrying their trees to that place it's quite loads of them down there I could do one of those and in the devil

may care I don't care about money why I live my life we didn't even we chucked it on the dump we didn't even take the stand off just chucked it

on the stand I thought I'd get another one next year. Good for you. I mean, that's... You'll probably get given it if you start talking about them on the show in November. You'll get...

I don't want one. You've gone like that Paul's winner, spend, spend, spend. Exactly. Yeah. Crazy with it. I'll tell you the truth is that the man who bought me the tree,

I was supposed to give him an extra fiver for the stand and I forgot and he forgot. So it cost me nothing, the stand. So I thought, you know. Fair enough. I don't want it in the tree. It's like blood money. I hadn't paid for it.

I just didn't want it around. No good would have come of that stand. You know, it's... Anyway. Frank, what about when my mum wouldn't let me and my sister finish with a boyfriend in the two weeks off to Christmas? Because she said, darling, I need them to get rid of the tree. Oh, about that.

Yeah, so my sister, I think, stayed with someone just because we needed the tree. I thought you were going to say it was bad luck or something. No, just because she said we need the help. What I would like is you went out with someone called Noel and you had to split with him before the 6th of January. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I was actually accused of deceit. What about this? Of all the things one could lie about in life, I was accused of making up the Mouth Sounds book where I learned my... Who was your accuser? My cruiser blast. That is good.

I was accused of there wasn't a book at all. And luckily, I had it in me satchel. It was his rival in socks. It was Alan Cochran. Alan Cochran. Cochran. Bamboo Cochran, as we call him now. I don't want to say The Boy Who Cried Wolf,

but you have, on occasion, on this show, told little porcupines that have then spun out into extended improvisational porcupines. I would say that the great defining feature of this show is the raw honesty of it. Oh, really? Because you looked me in the eye and spent a whole link telling us that you'd invented Gap, the shop.

And then you said you were Ian Fleming's... Yeah, your mum was a cleaner for Ian Fleming. Yeah. Was that right? A golden eye. Yeah. Was that right? A golden eye. Yeah. So you can see how there may be a boy who cried, I invented Gap.

Well, we've got proper evidence of the existence of this book. It's gone up on the socials. Those stories are slightly more far-fetched than someone bought me a book about mouth sounds. I don't know. Anyway, I have... Anyway, I'm delighted to see it. I think it's a fantastic gift for you.

It is, I'm going to work. What do you get the man who has everything? A pen and a ceiling. A book on mouth sounds. I got him a NASA sweatshirt once, went down really well. Oh, that did go well, yeah. Didn't it, fam? Yes, it did.

Yes, very nice. You had to pause there, you forgot about it. I didn't, no, I was thinking... Were you gifted? I was thinking it was that. So were you gifted? I thought you it was that. So were you gifted? I thought you meant Nasser, who was involved in the Six Days War against Moishe Dayan.

Oh, did you? I was thinking, I think I've got a T-shirt with him on. But anyway. I don't have any Egyptian statesman T-shirts, if anyone's listening. Right. OK. He will accept those.

Oh, yeah. Do send them in. Oh, we haven't talked about the butcher who got stuck in will accept those. Oh, yeah. Do send them in. Oh, we haven't talked about the butcher who got stuck in the deep freeze. Oh, what a story. What did he get into, Al? He was in a bit of trouble. Actually, he was living the sitcom life, wasn't he?

He was locked in a walk-in freezer. Fantastic. Not only was he that, but the pictures of him holding a three-foot-long black pudding are so British comedy. Very good. We should say they don't know this story. He saved his bacon.

Very good. As twirl. Excellent work. Very good. It's a good joint effort. Thank you. Very good. Oh, come on.

Oh, God, whatever I sell get the chop. No, no. Thank you. We're done. We're done. Stop. We're the black pudding. He broke his way out of the deep freeze.

Yeah. He used the black pudding as a battering ram, essentially. It says in the article that, ironically, the escape button had frozen up. So he needed, he was in the deep freezer, but there must be something normally that it doesn't freeze, but it had frozen stiff, I guess, and he had to smash it with something. Lamb was too big. Lamb was too big, we all know that.

The beef didn't offer enough grip, apparently. No, yeah. So he went... Should have left the horns on. I always do that. Leave the horns on just for safety. And it's great for carrying it about. True, yeah.

Like two handles in many ways. Yeah, I just, with my frozen beef, I leave the horns on, I just push it around like a lawnmower. You lose a bit of meat off the end, you know, rubbed across the gravel. They did, Frank, they did a lovely bit of local news reporting.

They said the black pudding was too shy to comment when approached. Oh, yeah. Lovely. I think that is because he somewhat, what's the word, personified? Not personified. He somewhat personified. Anthropomorphized.

He anthropomorphized the black pudding because he said it saved my life rather than I used it and I saved my own life with a black pudding. I think he's implying that it did something. That there was some choice involved on the part of the black pudding. Rather than just lay there. Do you think you could take one, a one that big, could you take it on as hand luggage? Or would that be regarded as something you could potentially

hijack a plane with as a weapon? Or the 12-inch black pudding. Yeah. I think there would be other problems with it. Not so much the use as a weapon but I think it's probably contraband contraband I love that word

I don't think you can take foodstuffs to different countries very easily I mean if I know nothing from watching what's it called border control my wife watches it sometimes.

Well, I have a nightmare when sending hampers abroad for this reason. Okay. Does that sound a bit elitist? Yeah. It didn't mean to. They're not like expensive hampers. Sounds like a really gentle nightmare, to be fair.

Yeah, you're right. So with the 12-inch flat pudding, how on earth am I going to secrete it about my person? Good question. 8, 12, 15. Don't text in. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. So apparently, this Chris McCabe, the butcher of Totnes, as I believe Chaucer called him. The butcher of Totnes, sounds. As I believe Chaucer called him. The Butcher of Totnes. Sounds like an episode of Murder Casebook, the famous part work.

He said, I mean, he could have died very easily. It was minus 20 in the freezer. He had half an hour in those temperatures to get out, apparently. And he said he was very lucky because they sell about two or three each week of the large black puddings, and that was the last one. Right. So, you know, had that third customer gone there the day before... It doesn't bear thinking about it. Somebody thought, I'll have two this week.

Yeah. The big week with black pudding for me. Fortunately, no-one's texted in yet with suggestions. Oh, no, there is someone, but I'm have two this week. Yeah. The big week with black pudding for me. Fortunately, no one's texted in yet. Oh, no, there is someone, but I'm not reading that out. No, I did think it was rash. When I played in... You know I'm quite a sporty type. I used to play in a cribbage league in the West Midlands.

Do you know cribbage? No. Yes, I do. It's a card game. You play with a pegboard. How is it? 15-2, 15-4, 15-6. 3-9, 3-0

and 1-3 is knob. That'd be a good hand. Anyway, so... Speak for yourself. Are we still on air? And we always, after every cribbage game, cheese and onion sandwiches and black pudding.

That was every week. And I don't... I'm even talking about it now. Sounds like the worst night of my life. I can feel my mouth. How's the black pudding served? Is it as a sandwich or black pudding? No, it's just sliced on a plate. Oh, lovely.

To be honest, I often put it on the sandwich with the cheese and onion. Good. Oh, excellent. It was the most... My mouth is physically watering now. Right. Honestly, I need...

You know those tubes you get at the dentist? Yeah. I really need one of those. A black pudding tube for when I talk about black pudding. Yeah. I do. I'm having to swallow my own juices

saliva what a night that was so yeah it was all I went to West Bromwich Albion versus Man United over the Christmas and I pulled up

onto the car park I got a call from Adrian Childs, my compadre, saying, what bay will you be parking in on the car park? So I told him the number of the bay. Did he text or call? He texted. OK. And he was next, he was waiting for me to arrive

with a plastic bag. And I said, what is it? and he said open your boot so I opened my boot and it was I have become obsessed with aubergine and he had cooked like a sort of specialist

aubergine meal and he just put it in the boot it was a bit dark it was wintery few people looking what's going on it was honestly like did you see Hard Son

this week no do you not see that about it's a pro with Agnes Dane no I didn't see it he didn't see that it's about like

MI5 tracking them down is it on channel 5 no it's on BBC 1 ok no I just used to watch a lot of that is it on channel 5 no it's on BBC1 ok no I just you've watched

a lot of channel 5 actually my my family all laughed at me for liking it you do like some funny things Frank

I thought it was great ok try it is it a bit kind of gritty like body parts gritty gritty

I don't know you watch Mac Mafia like one of the ones that everyone's talking about I don't like the sound of MacMafia, like one of the ones that everyone's talking about. I don't like the sound of MacMafia. It doesn't like the sound of the stuff everyone's talking about.

MacMafia sounds like... MacMafia's great. Is it about the Scottish Mafia? No. There isn't a Scottish Mafia. There is. Oh, is there? Yeah.

It's an everything Mafia, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely. It's about the Russian Mafia. And they're called the MacMafia. Yes, because the idea is that they're based on the principle of McDonald's, which is they work all around the world. They don't change their formula. Do you see?

Like a franchise, they're rolling it out like franchisees. And somebody has to clean up every 15 minutes. That's right, yeah. That's what the deal is, apparently, at McDonald's. And there's a star system for promising members of staff in McMafia. And the interesting thing about the Russian Mafia is in the 90s, they used to give away little mermaid toys. What about the Hamburglar?

What is that? The Hamburglar was one of the toys they gave away. I don't remember, but the Hamburglar, based on a burglar. It was a great pun. I don't know how, but I think he had the black and white stripy top. He did? Really? Yeah, Hamburglar. So he gave away free criminals at McDonald's?

Yeah, yeah. Wowee. And what do you get now? The free moped crime character? I don't know why they're depicting their popular criminals now. It's probably a guy at the computer, isn't it? I don't remember the moped. That's unbelievable. Hamburglar. computer, isn't it? I don't remember the book, but that's unbelievable.

Yeah, he was one of the most popular characters. Everyone wanted a Hamburglar. Yeah. I don't think I've seen Frank as shocked as last year when we had to tell him that BHS had gone the way

of the dodo. Well, I'll have a filet-o-thief. Please. please Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We've received a text from 333 Frank that is only half bad

possibly important for you to take on board. The bell and bear on Gorstie Hill in Blackheath serve cheese, onion and black pudding cobs which are apparently the best from Andy and Hale's Owen. I don't know, is that Blackheath in the Midlands? Yes, it's

in the very depths of the black country. But good info for you since even the memory of them make your mouth water, so good to know. Well you were given, I suppose in case there's any vegetarians in the cribbage league Even the memory of them make your mouth water, so good to know. I suppose in case there's any vegetarians in the cribbage league, the black pudding was served separately on those occasions.

Would it just be put on a tray? It's on a plate, on a platter. Like biscuits. Like when you see coins in a pirate film. Yes. It's like that. Very good. like when you see coins when you see coins in a pirate film yes very good my daughter likes black pudding and occasionally if we're eating out she will have ordered like um

she'll have like a croissant with jam and then somebody will have black pudding on a breakfast and she'll say oh can I have that and of course children they don't care about like what's first and what's second like you know the order of meals well I don't care about what's first and what's second you know, the order of meals so she will eat black pudding in a jammy croissant

which not many adults are doing that, are they? I'd say what you could do for her though for a special occasion is buy some chocolate coins, take the chocolate out put black pudding in, put the paper back on what a lovely disappointment that would be. It's a bit back on. Oh, that would be very good. What a lovely disappointment that would be.

It's a bit labour intensive for me. I'm less, you know, engaged as a parent. That sounds good. Putting that on someone's Christmas stockings, that'd be a nice surprise. If I wouldn't put... If they'd be naughty. I wouldn't put my black pudding in anyone's stockings.

Oh. Oh. Heavens. I am... That's sweet. Yes. So, that's that. And thank you so much for listening to us this week.

Mucho apreciato, as they say at the Vatican. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.