The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Mrs Halliwell's Boys

Episode Date: February 23, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss the BRITs, Frank has a Bob Harris anecdote and Alun played a stupid game of chance.

Frank Skinner on the radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. When will the novelty of Instagram wear off for me? I've never actually been on Instagram. Have you not, Frank? But just saying it, no, of course I haven't. Some lovely pictures actually been on Instagram. Are you not, Frank? But just saying it.

You're right a lot. Some lovely pictures of you on there. Is that right? Yeah. Hello? Casimirelda. She loves me. It's not lunch already, is it? We've been working out on the

ranch all day. It's been pretty dusty out there. Sounds like Suzanne's got dinner ready. Suzanne. Oh, man. What was that? That was my witch's cauldron. That was the cameras.

Oh, just being brought in. Yeah. What about when my partner broke her toe running across wet grass at midnight on a yoga retreat because she kicked an upturned cauldron? Oh, I mean, that was the best reason for injury to be written on a medical form ever.

Exactly. Surely there's some sort of cult involved in that anecdote. Anyway. And the people couldn't hear her cries screaming in pain. They couldn't hear her because they were chanting in a nearby room. Welcome to modern Britain, ladies and gentlemen. It's not so bad.

No, it's good. Well, no, sometimes it's terrible, let's face it. Some of it's good, though. Most of it's good. I'm not sure the baby ain't with the bathwater, as they say. Well, no, sometimes it's terrible. Let's face it. Some of it's good, though. Most of it's good. Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater, as they say. No, no, we don't want to do that. I've done my Friday night trawl. You know the moment on a Saturday morning?

I dream of it. I look through the emails that we receive on Friday night. Often people think that I come in on a Friday night to do my Friday night trawl. People think you're absolute based every Friday. Committed to the show though I am. I mean I'm still a working bookable comedian. Yeah. Busy on

Friday nights. I'm sorry I left space then for an email address. But it didn't come. I've had a look and we've had an email entitled magazine costs. Oh, yeah.

So I'm already interested. Hi. Is it from the National Rifle Association? I have recently seen two adverts for magazines which provide the parts for models to be made. You've got a big... I love, do I love... Big affection for these, haven't you?

This is the most frank bit of correspondence ever. No, I do. I love those. What was the one you liked, Frank, that was actually out? Let's let you finish. I'm going to let you finish. I've done a few in my time. I did Book of Football.

I did The Game. You completed these? I completed them apart work. Okay, now you're getting boastful. Yeah, and I did Story of Pop, which was all about fizzy drinks through the ages. That would have been... Where did that end?

Glimpse of stocking. But best of all, I saw one, which I didn't... You know, now they often have a free thing with them, not just a magazine. So there's the Doctor Who figurine magazine, which you get the figurine, and then you get a magazine telling you all about that character. Oh, great.

But, yeah, but... Right, I'm going to get you on now. But the best one I ever saw was Victorian Delivery Vehicle. Oh, yes. Which was, you got a model Victorian Delivery Vehicle and then you got a magazine telling you about these two. I mean, that's... Well, hold your horses. That's at the sharp end. This may change telling you about these two. I mean, that's... Well, hold your horses.

That's at the sharp end. This may change your perspective on these things. Didn't all have horses? Very good. So, they've seen two adverts for magazines that provide these parts. The first is a Terminator complete in 120 parts. Each issue is £8.99 with the first one at £1.99. Yeah.

The second... That's how they get you. That's how they get you. The second is the Bismarck, again, costing £8.99 per issue with £1.99 for the first issue. The prices, therefore, for completing the models... How much? ...are £1,251.60 and £1,071.80, respectively.

Good use of respectively. You sound like my... They sound like my mum. I only ever took my mum out for a meal once, and it was like a cheap... We had no money, love. And we went, it was like a cheap and cheerful pie and chips type of thing. Where was it? In Birmingham, was it?

It was in Coventry. That's where we went out for a meal because she was visiting me at Warwick University where I was residing. And I sat her down and she said, I could have got a loaf of bread for that much and then I could have got the whole thing. I could have bought all this and made it ourselves

for about 70 pence and here we are paying £2.40 for it. You know what I mean? It's not the part work, it's the excitement every week, the magazine, the little bit of the Bismarck. It was sunk, wasn't it, the Bismarck? I believe so, yeah. So if you didn't finish it,

as long as you make sure the tank has got relatively cloudy water, oh, it covers a multitude. There must have been some damage to the Bismarck before it went down. Oh, it covers a multitude. There must have been some damage to the Bismarck before it went down. Oh, they'll tell us. Of course they'll do that. Well, that's what the book's for. Yeah, of course.

Oh, yeah. Read all about it. What about when I was doing a gig in Belfast and I bought a magazine of the Titanic Society, because it was built in Belfast. It was. The Titanic. Oh, yes. of the Titanic Society because it was built in Belfast it was the Titanic oh yes

and the Titanic Society is like a local historical group so it was a magazine I'd say it was about 40 pages I don't know why I bought it you know I was probably looking for material

yeah anyway I read it through there was an interview with the captain's niece and something about the bloke who made the plates for the restaurant. There was not

one reference in the whole magazine to the fact that it sunk. In a way, admirable respect to the spoiler alert. Yes, but there's elephants in the room. There was a herd. There was an actual herd of elephants in the route. There was a herd. That's quite an elephant. There was an actual herd of elephants in the route. I don't know.

People get really triggered about spoiler alerts. I got told off for spoiling the Gruffalo last week, so I suppose, you know, the spoiler alert for the Titanic is a big one. Yeah, you're right. I don't feel so bad about it. What about the Bismarck, though? I bet there's a lot of people building the Bismarck now saying,

what? What happened to it? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hey, I've got something I'd like to ask you. We sometimes get emails through and texts. Stop showing off. Lovely as it is to hear from them sometimes i'll go through and i'll see the odd one saying please can you play for example starship nothing's going to stop us now okay now here's my question to you what why do people still need the DJ to access the music?

Because presumably the point of it was that it'd suddenly be sitting there, I don't know, and you might think, oh, I really fancy hearing I Could Be So Good For You. Yeah. Oh, it's nine o'clock at night. I don't own it. I don't own it. I don't own the cassette of it.

What do I do? I'll call into the DJ. It won't be on dial-a-disc. No? No. 192, was it? No, what was it? That's for directories.

I don't remember what number it was. It used to be able, at one time, you could go to a public phone box and dial a three-figure number. Or use your home phone. And you would get a randomly selected chart song that you could then stand in the phone box and listen to on the phone.

I mean, I would sit in my parents' bedroom, fairness, but similarly... Oh phone box and listen to on the phone. I mean, I would sit in my parents' bedroom, fairness, but similarly... Oh, so we didn't have a phone. I forgot people had phones in their own homes. It made me sound like sort of a bit more like Trump because they had a landline. I wouldn't have wanted that. I couldn't cope with the smell of urine in my own house. But you would, Al. You would sit there and just listen to the song. I remember listening to Stray Cat's Strat for hours. It always seemed to be Slade when I was calling it, but that's probably, you know...

I saw you coming. It was that era. Slade dominated the charts. So, do you see my point, boys? It's essentially now, presumably, most people have access to some sort of music streaming service. I mean, am I doing us out of a job here? Yeah.

I should say. Yes and yes. I think I'm still playing some, my own choices. Not everyone are getting on Spotify. That's one good thing. Yeah. But I suppose not everyone's on Spotify,

but YouTube and all that. Yeah, why not just put that on? Yeah. Okay. It's a bit like the part work thing. It's just being part of something bigger, feeling that we're part of something bigger. Now that religion has faded somewhat in this country,

people want to feel like they're part of some sort of bigger system. That's right, yeah. You didn't think we were going to go there, and I liked it. So they've been replaced by part works. The thing is, my son collects match attacks, which are these football cards. Yes. And I realised that.

This happened when he had the Panini World Cup stickers as well, that there are mums all over England, on the internet, saying things like, have you got Mohamed Salah on to the club? saying things like, have you got Mohamed Salah on to the club? And so I've got really quite high, hardcore knowledge of Premier League players.

And they're all mums. I don't think there's any dads doing it. I think Cathy was talking to me about Dele Alli. I was like, what do you know about this? I know. She loves it. Cathy's my partner. Oh, yeah, sorry.

Cath. She normally gets called Cath. Cath. From when Max Wall used to be in Crossroads. Cath. No, yeah, sorry. Kath. She normally gets called Kath. Kath. From when Max Wall used to be in Crossroads. Kath. No, they're Kath. Yeah, I think that's where it comes from.

Sorry, we've gone very, we've lost a lot of our younger listeners and we only had four. So that's a bit of a blow. Who do you say our youngest listeners, someone will say

is Nathan, who was born on June 1st. Oh, God, what a guess. who do you say our youngest listener someone will say yeah Nathan who was born on Jesus what's a guess sometimes we do get don't come up spreading your business I'm sorry

sometimes we do get we've had I think we had a 14 year old boy who enjoyed the show oh that's good yeah that's good

see we'll be talking about Google must be on fire with things like Dial-A-Disc Do you think you could Google Dial-A-Disc? Yeah, I can think of a way of finding out We'll try it, we'll try it, we just need a moment

Oh I've got an idea Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We've had a text in from Tom, I've got an idea. We've had a text in from reader 733. Good morning, all. Conscious of how keen you are to be accurate, and we are, with your information, I recall last week you referred to a lieutenant and Emily pronounced it as lieutenant instead of lieutenant.

No, I said lieutenant, didn't I? Oh, maybe it was me. Just thought I'd keep you on the straight and narrow. Kind regards, the colonel. Pronounced colonel. Is he an actual colonel? Sounds that way. We're supposed to say, um, what?

Do you know? We're supposed to say lieutenant. Lieutenant. I always thought you were meant to say lieutenant. Okay, here's the thing. Lieutenant is an Americanism. Okay. Lieutenant is the British way, I believe.

Hence the colonel leading us in that direction. I don't say it that much. No, it's not one of those that comes up. Well, your social life is very different to mine. Okay? Okay. Thomas Sideway, Al, has been in touch. Has he? Frank was saying we don't get the younger listeners. Oh-hm. Thomas Sideway, Al, has been in touch. Has he?

Frank was saying we don't get the younger listeners. Oh, yeah. But Tom says, my 11-year-old and 8-year-old are absolutely affronted that you said you have no young fans. Well, I'm terribly sorry, guys. When I say guys, I could be... But you can't say guys and gals anymore,

or your radio career's in tatters. Well, even those... I'm just going to have to generalise. Even those youngsters are going to feel old just in a second. What, Nathan? Who was born on Tuesday? We've had an email in. Hi, F, A and T, D, M, E.

Is that what? T, D, M? How dare you? Is it the darling Miss Emily? No, the divine Miss Emily. I'm sorry, but my three and a half year old boy Alex is not your youngest listener. He asked if this was Dave Berry and when I'm sorry, but my three-and-a-half-year-old boy, Alex, is not your youngest listener. He asked if this was Dave Barry. And when I said no, it was you, he burst into tears, demanding I put Dave Barry on.

I guess he could be your youngest critic. Yeah. Long time blah, blah, blah, is he? It's good we've established Dave Barry's audience. Yeah. How old is he again? Three-and-a-half. There you go.

You've taken a real positive spin from that. I was worried momentarily. He's come a long way since he had that hit with the crying game, Dave Barry. Well, we listened to Dave Barry in our house, can I say that? Yeah. Lovely. That was fabulous.

I look forward to seeing us mentioned on the radio um stephen bell has got in touch as well just to say even bell he used to do cartoons for the guardian he i don't know but he um he tried out a joke you made a joke last week we've got uh in reference the email is called re samuel peeps oh yeah do you remember you made a reference to Samuel Peeps? I think it was probably, you know, Samuel Peeps. Never getting changed around the above gentleman's house again. Yeah, because Samuel Peeps. It's, um, he peeps. Well, I laughed and I decided to share the joy with my friends.

When you say share the joy, I think you mean steal the joke. OK, stole the joke. I can report that the joke failed miserably. Is it time for me to change my friends? Um, well, it depends. I mean, are they English speakers? That's the first thing. That's where Frank's mind goes, Al.

If someone doesn't get his joke, they actually are incapable of communicating in his language. But, you know, a joke is like when you... I think it's like when you give the motorcyclists the blood that's been rushed across town. You've given them the blood and it's all good and you've done your bit, but whether that bloke delivers it is, you know,

it's out of your hands. You're speaking you as the blood donor. You're the blood donor. Not only the blood donor, I've put it in a bottle, I've packaged it up nicely, I've tested it, it's all absolutely fine. In the footballer's tent. It's on the back of this bloke's moped,

we don't know what happened next. All we know is that the patient died by the sounds of it. It doesn't sound like it's my fault. From that evidence, that's all I'm saying. Thank you, Carla. I was reading the popular Roman Catholic journal, The Tablet. Oh, yes.

This week, anyway. In what format? Oh, a hard copy. He doesn't read Tab, The Tablet. Oh, yes. This week, anyway. Oh, in what format? Oh, a hard copy. He doesn't read Tablet on Tablet. He doesn't read it on the Tablet. No, no. That's just a nice synergy I would have liked about your life. But anyway, continue, eh? And there was an interesting quote from James Taylor, the musician.

Oh, yeah. Who I'm going to see this summer at Hyde Park. You've got a friend? He's doing a... I am going with a friend. Even Bob Dylan are doing a... I'll be straight with you. I wish you'd flagged that bit off. I don't know the work of James Taylor

very well at all but Bob Dylan is at the core of my musical universe nevertheless so in this there's a little bit about a James Taylor gig and James Taylor was on stage

playing and you know this happened we've all seen this at gigs there's a slight dip, a slight silence in the proceedings and James Taylor was on stage playing. And you know this happens, we've all seen this at gigs. There's a slight dip, a slight silence in the proceedings and someone shouted, I love you, James! Yeah. You know, that happens at these gigs. I've seen that, yeah. And usually there's a bit of a laugh and they go,

ah, thanks very much and stuff like that. Yeah. So someone shouted, I love you, James. And James Taylor said, oh, yeah? What makes me sad? Which I thought, I thought as heck all comebacks go. I mean. Wowee.

Yeah, that's a good one, isn't it? I mean, that's profound. I mean, I'm presuming that he meant, you know, you don't know me well. You don't know me deeply enough, yeah. And he's absolutely correct, of course. I mean, having said that, you know, I love my partner. Do I know what makes us, I know what makes us furious. Right, yeah.

That's often easier to identify that. Yeah, I'm not going through. Busby, I'm not going through in that particular list. Busby! Yes. Well done. Okay, we got there. Frank, do you want to explain what that was? Well, yeah, it was the sort of thing we try and avoid.

That's what makes James Taylor sad. Yeah, that's what makes him sad, yeah. It was the death of Sir Matt Busby. He never got over it. It makes him sad, yeah. They thought it was the death of Sir Matt Bosby. He never got over it. No, it's Bosby.

We were trying to remember the name of the bird that advertised phone services, a cartoon bird voiced by, I think, Bernard Cribbins. Bernard. Death of a salesman. Never pronounce that way. I once heard an American director interviewed on the telly and they asked him the best actors he'd worked with. And he said, look, really obvious ones.

Like, I worked with Henry Fander. He's a great actor. Very much centred, very much belief in the part and all that. And he said, and then your own English actor, Bernard Cribbins, I worked with, a fantastic actor. I thought, well, I did not see him coming up on the list. But, yeah, I always think of him now as Bernard Cribbins I worked with, a fantastic actor. I thought well I wouldn't I did not see him coming up on the list but yeah I always think of him now as Bernard Cribbins

and there was also a documentary once about Bernard Manning trying his hand at Las Vegas and he was interviewed on the radio He didn't get Bernard did he? No he did, the DJ called him Bernard he said we have Bernard Manning.

What I love about it is it's just two grand for Bernard Manning. Two grand for Bernard Manning. Sorry, I was just reading from my... Spotlight. In my list of bookings. They're a little out of date. Okay, so I don't know who we got to that. Yeah, so that's James Taylor.

What makes me sad. We got there by a Bosby thing. Yeah, what makes me sad? But we remembered Bosby in the midst of it. So a strange juxtaposition of differing themes. It would be quite eerie if they'd replied and got it exactly right with whatever it is that does make him sad.

That would have been proper fandom. If they'd have shouted, people shouting, I love you, James. And he'd have said, not annoyed, sad. And then he'd have had a big pause where everyone had to think about it and did guesses, like an hour of guesses at the end of the gig. Awful. Awful. Too much bread. No, no no close

incorrect I'll give you a clue right it doesn't happen in this country okay carry on play some music

just a minute you brought it up we didn't actually bring up the sad thing well you brought up the love thing and that led me into it next guess James very strict tonight I heard that We didn't actually bring up the sad thing Well you brought up the love thing and that led me into it Next guest

James very strict tonight I heard that So James Taylor and the Echo response Then went on to remind me Of a very fine story We don't talk about music enough on this show. No.

I love to talk about music. It's one of my favourite things. And I was watching a big compilation thing about... That sounded like you were on a date, if you don't mind me saying that. I mean, the thing about me is I love to talk about music. I don't want to get technical, but this show happens on all the other channels, the Decade channels, Absolute 80s, Absolute 90s. We're across several platforms.

We're on several platforms, exactly. We're across them. So we can't refer back to the songs, really. No. Because we used to have long conversations about the songs we played, but obviously we haven't always played it on that particular channel. If you receive my meaning yeah um and i was watching this um documentary about the old grey whistle test okay i remember that funny noise sometimes funny noises really set me up the old grey whistle test

because i had one of my if you remember when I was a child I'm sorry to open another tab just briefly That's okay. But Lou Reed was one of the people that was like my equivalent of Fungus the bogeyman

that was the bogeyman for me. You were scared of a poster of him or was that right? Yeah it was an album I wrote. So it was Lou Reed

was the man in the wardrobe as it were and then the other one was the there was a figure and the credits of the Old Grey Whistle test. He used to kick a star.

Oh, don't, it makes me so terrified. He was made out of, what was it, little white dots or something? Well, it was sort of a constellation. Oh, it was horrible. And he used to kick a star. Anyway. Anyway, so it used to be hosted by Whispering Bob Harris,

as he was known. He used to... I would say I've just been over on the West Coast talking to James Taylor. He used to open a lot of stuff like that. He used to have one of those blokes in the 70s who had flared sleeves as well as trousers. Who was the other, would you say, by the way,

public figure whose name was often preceded by the word whispering? Oh. What's that one? I'm saying Ted Lowe, the snooker. Oh, yes. Very good. Game of chess played on the green base.

Anyway, so this, I thought, was the most Bob Harris, whispering Bob, bear in mind, whispering Bob Harris was a kind of a hippie guy who presented music shows and used to say, when Roxy Music was on, he said, Roxy Music, they're a little bit too electric for me. That's one of the, I actually pulled him up about it. I met him once. He wandered into critique.

And he said, yeah, people often mention that. Oh, really? Anyway, he told an anecdote, which I thought was the most Bob Harris anecdote you could possibly have. But I'm afraid we're going to have to hold it because we've got certain obligations. You'll leave them hanging on the Bob Harris anecdote?

I'll be back with the best whisper in Bob Harris. Perhaps the most opposite Bob Harris anecdote you could possibly have after this. Frank Skinner on the radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215.

Follow the show on Twitter and15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. See if you say it fast, it's hard to say. Twitter and Instagram. Twitter and Instagram. Twitter and Instagram. I think you want a comma after Twitter. I think I've just discovered a new

tongue twister. Oh yeah. Because let's face it, we're sick to the high teeth of red leather, yellow leather. And round and round the rugged rocks. Are we? And pheasants. Well, you are in your community. The rest of us don't know we're talking about leather all day. No, that's true.

Twitter and Instagram. If you can say that five times fast, you're in business. At Frank on the radio. What's that got to do with anything? It's an Instagram thing. And you can email the show

via the Absolute Radio website. I mean, I feel like I've climbed over broken glass. Yeah. Slick, I thought. Thanks very much. And an oil slick. I didn't. You had set up a tease

of a whispering Bob Harris anecdote. Yes. I don't know about the rest of it. Here on Commercial Radio in 2019. Yeah, but... I don't know about the rest of the country, Al, but I'm expiring with curiosity. On tenterhooks.

Yeah. Yeah, well... I went to Frank. Yeah, so Bob Harris, like I say, it was the acme of that kind of James Taylor. And I love this kind of music. When punk happened, he was seen as a kind of an enemy of the punk people because he represented all that kind of hippiedom.

And they sort of didn't like hippies and things like that. Is that why it was called NME? Because it was a pun as of enemy yeah yeah oh I've just got that so I don't know if it started like okay anyway but when Johnny Rotten says uh was it we love the NME or something like that you never quite sure whether he's saying NME or enemy right as you were. Yeah, so he said, I was in a pub last night, just having a brown ale, and suddenly these punks appeared and surrounded me, and I was actually quite frightened. They were saying some pretty nasty stuff,

and it looked pretty bad i thought i thought i might actually get hurt and i thought wow how is it oh if you wanted to say how is bob harris gonna get out of this situation he said luckily these big guys came over and pushed these punks out the way and got me out of there they completely saved me from a real good beating and they were big guys and the punks couldn't handle them and I said thank you so much

turned out they were the Procol Harum road crew it's the most Bob Harris ending you could ever have. The Procol Harum Road Crew. Oh, dear. Which would have been a great band name in itself.

Yeah, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? Just. If you don't mind me calling you Just. Oh, Bob. So what about, speaking of heckles and Hyde Park gigs with Bob Dylan and James Taylor, this thing which I might have mentioned to you before, that people used to take harmonicas to Bob Dylan gigs.

Well, that must have sounded nice. And play along with him when he'd play. That's a sound, isn't it? And play along with him when he'd play. So Bob would go into one of his... And Bob has played the harmonica since the early 60s and never, I think, never completely... Mastered it. No.

I think that's why people are taking their harmonicas as a sort of a tutor role. I think that's it. As a gentle guide. Like the person that drops off in the long distance running, like a sort of a pacemaker. I think it's to do with feeling that you're all right in that company. Like when me and David Baddiel sing Three Lions,

I think people think, yeah, we'll sing along with these guys, that's happy. Whereas if Dame Kiri Tukanawa, if she we'll sing along with these guys. That's happy. Whereas if Dame Kiri... Takanoa, darling. Takanoa, if she starts to sing a song, you're not going to think, yeah, I'm going with this. Freddie Mercury, he did it with... What was that one called? Barcelona.

That was with Montserrat Cabello. Montserrat Cabello, yeah. Generally, you feel intimidated by a good singer, but we were all right. And I think when Bob got the harmonica out, people thought, yeah, we'll do this, won't we? We'll be all right with it. We won't look out of place.

I like to think of it as a sort of, you know those mass wedding ceremonies they sometimes do in certain, I mean, I won't use the C word, as in, well, we'll use it, cult. But, you know, certain know we know what we're talking about yeah um i think this is a little like a mass tuition session that'll be a good whatever happened to the moonies never what happened to them never hear them anymore you'd always see the photographs wouldn't you and you'd only ever see them on the wedding days yeah that's

true what they did with the rest of the time. They just got married. We just don't know. Fabulous. But anyway, yeah, so I don't know. It's no different from a sing-along, really, I suppose, taking your heart. Could you take any old instrument? Well, it is.

I mean, it's cacophonous. Could you turn up at an Eric Clapton gig and take a guitar with me? Well, no, because you had an experience with him so it was all lovely I know it was a nice experience I mean imagine turning up at a little mix gig and you're the only one playing live Frank you mentioned little mix I did and I don Mix. I did. And I don't know... I did. I was going to say, did you catch the Brits?

Now, normally you're our man at the Brits. Yes, I wasn't this year, I'm afraid to say. I was on a family holiday. OK, sounds a bit Tory MP. That's a weird excuse. I left to spend more time with my family. Family, quite. Yeah.

I saw Little Mix, I have to say. Did you see their performance? Well, you had, we should, if readers don't, some readers may not be aware, you experienced something of a, I mean, it was a sort of road to Damascus. I don't know, you had a real epiphany with them, didn't you? Oh, wow.

Well, I mean, it was temporary. Okay, because what he said Frank when he went to the Brits was Frank Little Mix. Who knew? Who knew? Because they put on a fantastic show so I watched them the other night and they came out in pink Macintoshes and I thought respect to you because there's so many people who are mainly women, it has to be said, who feel that, you know, regardless of any talent, they have to come out with next to no clothes on. Respect to you.

In the past, you've felt it. Wearing the max. In the past, you felt that pressure. But now you're just going to wear a nice big max and relax and be yourselves. And then I thought, oh, off came the Macs. Of course, they were in pink plastic suspenders. Or were they?

Oh, come on, girls, you're better than that. Yeah, anyway, so... But people are worried that they're not because they didn't sing their songs, is that right? Well, I think there's a theory that they mimed. I don't know if it's been confirmed. I'll tell you what I think happened. My personal observation was that that felt like they were miming,

I think that's the suggestion, is that they were miming to a previous live performance track, OK? Well, that hardly qualifies. You think Little Mix, of all people, at least the people who come through on the reality shows, when they had to sing live every week under pressure. I don't mean that they sang under pressure. No, no, no, no, no.

But only a few weeks ago we discussed Little Mix because they had leaked that they practice their loser face for awards dues, don't they? That's right. And I said, surely there's an opportunity cost when they're practising that, they're not practising their songs and dances. Yeah, well, it turns out they didn't need to practise them. We've found out how they freed up that time

for rehearsing their loser face. It's always... They just do the songs. It's always disappointing when they're miming. I mean, imagine Al doing a stand-up they're miming. I mean, imagine Al doing a stand-up gig and miming it. What does Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Perry's boyfriend, think of it all? He performs live on a weekly basis. He does.

I've done stand-up gigs when the audience have been miming and we forgot the track. Oh, yeah. Have you done those gigs in weird layout rooms where you can't hear them laughing, but you can sort of see them laughing? I don't think they... I think that's invented by comedians. It isn't.

I did an event in the Turbine Hall once. Oh, yes. I had to just say the words and assume that they were laughing because all the laughter was sort of disappearing before it got to me. Tough. But if you, I believe, if you assume you're making us out of Uma Thurman.

Yes. Can I tell you who did do well at the Brits? Who? In terms of performance. Oh, yeah. Hugh Jackman. Who knew? Did he?

Everyone knew. Did he? Is he the greatest showman? Well, he was the greatest showman. They said people called it the best opening performance ever, ever, Frank Skinner, Alan Cochran. Bit awkward, Frank's in the room. I didn't do an opening performance.

I wish I had. You don't know how close I was. You know that night, that fateful night I did the Brits? Have I ever told you? Yes, I do know that. We're going to talk about that? I intended starting as Gerry Halliwell. I'd had a dress made, a union dress made,

a ginger wig and everything. At the very last minute, I thought, no, actually, I'm not going to do this. I'm quite glad you did. I think it went bad enough as it was, but it would have gone bad with trimmings. Do you know what's awful, Frank? You know, I always have a mental picture of you,

which is lovely in your case, and it's you walking over Waterloo Bridge when I think of you with your coat collar up against you, a bit Samuel Beckett. I think my worry is that everyone's mental picture of you would have been you dressed as Jerry Halliwell forever. I think that's right. Weirdly, it's mine anyway, but that's just a by-the-by. My worry is that everyone's mental picture of you would have been you dressed as Jerry Halliwell forever. I think that's right. Weirdly, it's mine anyway, but that's just a by-the-by.

That's just your thing. I'd had the dress made and everything, but it was for the best, I think. Damage limitation. That's what it's all about. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing the Brits before and Hugh Jackman's

opening for The Greatest Showman. Is this film called The Greatest Showman? It is called The Greatest Showman. Is it alright? Because that's one of the many films.

Is it alright? Is he alright, Hugh Jackman? In what sense? He didn't look well to me. You know when people lost a lot of weight round the face? Oh I can't imagine who Frank. I think Heidi didn't look right to me.

I always feel with film stars like him that it's dependent upon role because if he's playing Wolverine obviously he needs to be Hugh Jackman. I like you two deciding whether Hugh Jackman looks alright trust me

he's fine but then he ends up sort of a bit more shredded and smaller tickets to the gun show for a different not available

I'm talking about is he ill yeah I get that please leave the man alone but I feel like Greatest Showman

I'm concerned about his health I feel like Greatest Showman is'm concerned about his health i felt like greatest showman was one of the many films that felt like for me it could have had a question mark at the end of the title you know i've said this before there are many films law abiding citizen question mark safe house question mark because they're often not you know that very good point you know that sound like they are gonna be yeah have you ever seen that book The Long Firm? I always thought there must be a word missing

Yeah, it's not a title I'm looking around the book Perhaps they can't put the word on the front No, I can honestly say I wouldn't say I hated the opening sequence, but I disliked it. I didn't like the film. I'm going to get a T-shirt that says on on the front of the picture of the heart

and say I on heart. Okay, you two have spoken. I'm coming in like Simon Cowell at the end. Or look, I would say Hugh Jackman himself, OK. Yeah. You know, undeniably talented gentleman. However, circuses, I find very depressing. The whole concept of them, I'm afraid.

Oh, wow. People taking off makeup in caravans. I just can't bear it. Well, I've seen that many times. Now, you know you're doing a live show soon. If someone shouts out, I love you, Emily, and you say, well, what makes me sad? They could go, circuses.

What? We know. You told us on the radio last week. I have to speak up for circus. I love the circuses. Are they circus? I know you do. But what about the temporary nature of them?

But that's what's great. Oh, well, you didn't have such a peripatetic childhood. I took a photograph once at Zipro Circus. I took a photo backstage, and it was a wheelbarrow full of horse excrement underneath a big illuminated star. And I thought, this is show business do you know the most depressing song in the whole world to me is there's no business like show because i just

imagine people singing that in a circus and it just being damp and oh yeah i think i go to the circus quite a lot and i know you do. Can I say I love it? Yeah. And what angered me about the opening sequence... Anger? It was... What makes you angry? I thought it was circus for people who hate circus.

Oh, yes. Yeah. It was circus light. It was, worst of all, circus that doesn't smell. And if a circus doesn't smell it ain't no damn circus in my book so I thought the whole thing was

oh we don't want to give you real remember that crouching tiger whatever that it was like kung fu films for middle class people and that's what this was I thought don't worry it's not going to be dirty. It's all like people are

hanging on lovely linen and all the girls are very attractive and it's going to be a huge outman. It was too affluent, that circus, for you. I think it was the antithesis of what the summit very dark... Have you ever read something weekly this way comes

about the carnival arriving in town? It gives you that sense of the summit a bit weird and a bit dark and a bit scary about the circus. There was nothing. We're a huge atman. It's like when Will Smith did hip hop. Yes.

It's not a national theatre play, though, to be fair. Come on, there's entertainment these people are doing. I'm sure there'll be lots of people who go to theatre school who'll love to go and see it. I won't be there. Good night. No, no, we're not going.

I just felt like it needed one of those. Turns out it was the Procore America. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. 212 has asked if the comedic equivalent of playing the harmonica at a Bob Dylan concert is heckling. I think it depends on the calibre of the comic, maybe.

Also, I think there's something about... There's an element of helping with the people who play harmonica to Bob Dylan. Of course, Bob Dylan did get one of the most famous heckles of all time. Because at Manchester Free Trade Hall, when somebody shouted, Judas, he had just come in, to be fair. Judas, we're over here.

I told you not to use my name in public. He had a lot of bad press. Anyway. That was another live gig that was reviewed in Tablet, wasn't it? It was. I tell you, there was an interview. I thought Jack Whitehall said a lot of funny things. Not many people in the hall seem to notice,

which is what the Brits is basically all about. Pearls before swine. People talking and watching the videos they've just done of 1975 or whatever. Tough crowd. And for some reason people are talking quite a lot. I don't know why that is.

Anyway. Yeah. Don't shut up for some reason. You don't want to say a lot. They do seem to get extraordinarily chatty. Stay up late as well. I think they might be narcissists. But there was a scene when he was doing some quite good material to camera and behind him you could see a crowd of people all just talking and laughing amongst themselves while he was doing material.

It's like when you knock on someone opens the door at a party and you're talking to them. It's like that. It's all going on in the background. Except he was supposed to be... I did what I felt for him, but he's good at it. I think they've finally found

he's probably the first person who has hosted the Brits well, I would say that. Good. But there was an interview that he did with... Do you know what? What? That's very big of you.

That's okay. Okay. I mean, he's the right sort of person. Because as well as being funny, I think looks and currentness is very important to the Brit song. Oh, it's a Whitehall loving. So, Sean Mendes was interviewed by Jack Whitehall. Now, I didn't know Shawn Mendes' work.

I'm sure I'd hate it. I don't even know what he does, but I just knew. Not hate it, but I don't think me and him were on the same. I don't have anything against his human spirit. Are you going to one of your Doctor Who screenings? I don't know what he is. Is he a singer? Is he Shawn Mendes?

Yeah, I believe so. God bless him. Anyway. If anyone's ever said that about him before. Jack Whitehall said, no, I wanted to talk about your underwear.

Did he? Efforts. And Shawn Mendes said, oh, I knew this was going to happen. And I thought, yeah, and it's almost impossible to imagine a way you could have avoided him. Oh, I know. You could have not done any really well-paid underpants adverts.

Well, Sean would have gone, oh, God, if only someone had said that to me at the time, but now it's too late. Well, you see... The bottle of genie's out the bottle, so to speak. This is what... Well, it was certainly near the top. This is the difference between him and Gandhi.

David, not Mahatma. Oh, I thought you meant Mahatma. No, David Gandhi says, when you say to him, what do you feel about being objectified? He says, I'm on a billboard in my pants. I can't really complain about that. That's a good point. Love Gandhi.

That is a good point. If Jack Whitehall had ever interviewed Gandhi, which I have to say, as much as I like Jack Whitehall, would have been a miscasting. Possibly. And he just said, well, what about your underpants adverts? And Gandhi would have said, no, actually, that's like a traditional dress thing.

I mean, how awkward. How awkward. And Jack Whitehall said, well, I've got it as my screen set. No mean, how awkward. How awkward. And Jack Watt, I said, I've got it as my screen set. No, that's me in my traditional... They could have been really good friends. I'm not making it up. You've got this completely wrong, Jack.

They could have become mates. Yeah, but it would have been... Dear friend, I'm writing to you today for the sake of humanity. But it would have been an awkward moment, him having to explain the outfit. Oh, dear. Yeah.

Poor Jack. But he had real poor bar poo is your that's what he was called i think i uh i'm a big enough fan to uh to go into better name fan fan i know someone will text in and say, well, actually, he was a really bad... Because it's like... Well, I like... Oh, your hobbies. Gandhi.

Yeah. Interesting. Anyway, let's put that on the shelf and we'll move on. Because I find that love is like Gandhi on a shelf. We were talking about the... The Brit. we used to be the britannia awards couldn't call it that now hey did he see uh calvin harris he's a changed man mean, he was the pale Scottish man of yesteryear. I've got a Calvin Harris this morning. Carry on. Oh.

He's changed. I mean, he's had a tan, tickets to the gun show. He's a totally different looking man now. He works out, I think. It makes me wonder, him and Jackman, maybe they just did it all with lookalikes this year. Oh, maybe. Save them turning up.

Yeah. You know those Top of the Pops albums you used to get? They were the songs from the chart, but not done by the original artist. Oh, yeah. Maybe they've gone a bit like that. Apparently the internet was surprised at Calvin Harris's Scottishness. The Twitterati, as I think they called them five years ago. Apparently the internet was surprised at Calvin Harris's Scottishness. The internet. The Twitterati, as I think they called them five years ago.

Yeah, people were surprised he was Scottish. Yeah. They hadn't been paying attention. I'm not sure what that is. I think it could be that he's kind of a superstar DJ. People see his fame as being kind of American. Or it could be that he's tall and handsome. I think there might be a weird thing.

I have to put a word in here for David Tennant. David Tennant's another one. Tall and handsome. There's lots of tall, handsome Scottish people. I agree. I think they're wrong, the Twitterati. I've met some lovely Scottish people. I'm one of them. I know. OK. But I think that's wrong, the Twitterati. I've met some lovely Scottish people. I'm one of them.

I know. OK. But I think that's why people were surprised. Look, I'm currently reading the biography of Hugh McDermid. What else do you want? Oh, yeah. The man who wrote A Drunk Man Looks at the Thistle. An unfortunate title.

Yeah, just trust me on that. I ate shortbread. I think we're all over them. All I'm't... Yeah, just trust me on that. I ate shortbread. I think we're all over them. All I'm saying... It's a surprise that Calvin Harris' accent went till the meat hard heaps in Coley. He's got a surprise Scottish accent. Yeah, that's true. He won...

He's been nominated 16 times. Now, having been nominated and won a number of awards, Frank Skinner... Oh, have I got that wrong? I was nominated... How many nominated... Having been nominated and won a number of awards, Frank Skinner. Oh, have I got that wrong? I was nominated. How many nominated? I think I was nominated for 11 comedy awards in nine years and didn't win any of them.

That's the awkward thing I wanted to bring up. I hope the best of you did it. My losing face was absolutely immaculate. And did you win on the 12th time? I did win on the 12th time? I did win on the 12th time but as I've said before on this show my late review

I wish you'd had that on the night. My manager was on the judges panel that year which I think helped. Actually he deserved it. So this was his 16th or his 17th nomination, and he finally won. But what he decided to do was he went big.

I think that was a bit passive-aggressive, because I think finally he'd won. He spent 80 grand on his show. Yeah. Mainly on backing dancers and animals, wasn't it? His money. He paid for it. Well, as we know, someone should have told Bross, you're always paying for it. Yeah. Mainly on backing dancers and animals, wasn't it? His money. He paid for it. Well, as we know, someone should have told Bross,

you're always paying for it. Yeah. So he splashed out on it. He had a crab, a dragon. He did. Yeah. Now that, to me, sounds like someone who's been to... A hundred dancers.

Isn't that someone who's been to the big prop shop and just picked what was there? Yeah, yeah. A bit drunk he was probably tip-top he'd won he's getting stuff at short notice

what you got what you got we got a crab that's coming from the the sponge bob on ice we got the

the dragon we got a dragon from the Pete's Dragon promo that'll do that'll find bring them

bring them round we got the raining rose petals from the Florence and the Machine video bring it on the Pete's Dragon promo. That'll do. That'll find, bring them, bring them round. We've got the Raining Rose Petals from the Florence and the Machine video. Bring it on. And the Forest. I won't tell you

where that's come from. Oh, fine. I'll take them all. That's how he talks. Will you deliver them? What did you say? I said, will you deliver them?

Who is this? Calvin Harris. Do you not recognise my voice? That's what happened on the phone there with Calvin Harris. It's a big prop shop. Just in case. A little insight, a little background knowledge at the Britannias. You couldn't call them?

No, I know. Frank Skinner on the radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8.12.15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Hmm. Dua Lipa's dad got a lot of talk on the World Wide Web, apparently. Hashtag Silver Fox. Yeah. He was called. Jack Whitehall called him the best-looking dad in the music industry, which is, you know, a little unfair to Tim Healy. Well, I think it's a bit...

You know, come on. Who's, as you know, is the father to one of the 1975, isn't he? Yeah, he is, that's true. In fact, I might have been at Chris, didn't I? There you go. Yeah. That's my connection with the Brits. I think I remember you telling that.

One person said Dua Lipa's dad being thanked for just being there and being attractive was Probs the funniest Jack has been tonight. But I think that might be unfair on Jack because most people didn't listen. And also, there was a lot of stuff on the internet about how gorgeous Dua Lipa's dad was. Oh, was there? And I couldn't help thinking, it's all right when they say it.

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what I thought about him. He looked, he did have something, but he looked a bit Jose Mourinho before he was broken. I agree. Before the poison made him look kind of bitter. Before the Manchester experience, or be called hereafter. He looked like that, I thought.

Very similar. I don't think Dad should look like that. I have to say. You do surprise me. Dads. I don't. Dads. Bested interest. There's a certain thing that Dads... Well,. You do surprise me. Dads. I don't. Dads. Best of interest.

There's a certain thing that dads, well I look too old for a dad but I mean, I think a dad, if I see Dua Lipa's dad I want it to look

like a dad not another, it could be a boyfriend. Another rock star. No, I want him to look like someone who's been a bit of a dad

who sits down and watches a sport, you know, his track. Well, perhaps in a vest. Let's say, you know El Chapo? Yeah. The Mexican drug lord. He looks like a classic sort of dad.

He could be Dua Lipa. He's got a tash, a little bit of extra poundage. He has that. What it should be, Frank, I think the way of telling is if you're, no one should mistake you for a couple if you're out with your daughter. Exactly. That's a good rule. Okay? People have got to look at you and think there's a lovely father and daughter.

Although, how do they legislate for that if they're going out? Just like if Dua Lipa and her dad are just going to buy the paper at the local corner shop and maybe some milk. No, Dua Lipa doesn't go and get the paper. Buy the paper? Of course she doesn't, Al. Dua Lipa. Do you want to't be down. Dua Lipa doesn't go and get... Buy the paper. Of course she doesn't, Al. Dua Lipa. Do you want to do a paper, Dua Lipa? Is Lipa a surname?

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, no, I don't know. Is it? Yes, it is, yeah. There's another successful member of the family, Lingo, isn't there? Dua Lingo. Speaks a lot of foreign languages.

Because Dua Lipa, if we believe in nominative determination, she should have done a long jump or something. Yeah. So that's a letdown. It's the way I think, you know, the whole concept of the yummy mummy. When I was at school, there weren't any. I'll say. When you got to the school gate, they all looked like Sir Elton John

can I just say I've got to be honest in London that wasn't the case they were warm loving people and that's more important you can be both you can't

take that back there is a double standard, though, because people are saying that he's the silver fox. And in years gone by, when we discussed Harry Styles and there was a picture of him in the paper with his mum, and I said, his mum's nice looking. I like the look of her. And people were like, oh, that's not right.

Disgusting. Yeah, double standard. No, I believe, no, because Harry Styles' mum, I think she's, because I... Harry Styles' mum... I think she's... Because I think... She's an attractive woman. I would agree with you there. A hundred. OK, we'll move on.

Can I just say something to you? What I liked about Doolipper is that she's a bit of a git-ass, Frank. Is she? Because she responded to Jack Whitehall's comment, can we swap dads? She paused and she said, no, yours is a bit mean. Yeah.

No, I quite like that. It's the sort of thing Frank would say. That's something a 12-year-old would say. Mean. I like the fact that she apparently ripped her name off her dressing room door because people, well-wishers as they called them. You know those people, well-wishers as they call them.

You know those people? Well-wishers. You'd think, if you heard the phrase well-wisher, my first thought would be someone throwing coins into a well and making a wish. What is a well-wisher? No, they're people that come in and say,

all right, do you know how to... Have a brochure. You don't want well-wishers in your dressing room. Well, apparently the problem was her dressing room was located very near the artist's spa and sauna area. Well, it would be. Yeah.

Can I say, if I was to rip the name off my dressing room door at any venue I've ever played at, I would never find that dressing room again. I would be like the Phantom of the Opera, wandering around that place forever. So, I mean, a fair play to her youth

that she can remember where she was. I suppose she's led. You would be like Jose Mourinho. You'd lost the dressing room. Yeah, very... Football joke.

Very fine joke. Great joke. He'll be back. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There were a couple of wardrobe malfunctions at the Brits, boys. Flacko. Yeah, Caroline Flack took a lot of flack. She had a shoe disaster.

Yeah. Her shoe broke. It's happened to us all, dear. Yeah. And her friends used gaffer tape. Well. What do we think of this? Did they?

I've got them. I don't want to sound like the DIY correspondent, which I'm not. But it's somewhat inevitable, I'm afraid. It's a duct tape. Well, it says in the headline, Caroline Flack has her shoe gaffer taped on after footwear. And then in the article,

it says the Love Island presenter 39 shared a comical video which showed her two friends using electrical tape to cement her... Well, which? Is that somewhat different? It's different. LX tape, as they call it. Oh, Frank, he calls it LX tape.

That's not the same thing. It's not even that sticky, LX tape. It's more used to sort of seal like a bare wire, isn't it? Of course it is. Yeah, whereas gaffer tape is very strong tape. I'm afraid I get people in. You get people in? Yeah, if there's anything like that.

I thought you were telling me you sell more tickets then. Well, you certainly do. I get people in. You certainly do when you have the old gaffer tape you get people in, I've heard. Make a few phone calls. Well, Karen, I mean, it is probably the least exciting wardrobe malfunction of all time. The shoe broke. I mean, we've all had the broken shoe.

I mean, it's not like when Janet Jackson's... Not. When her right breast turned up at the Super Bowl as a Wild West Sheriff. Goodness me. I mean, who saw that? Who saw that? That was amazing. And of course, she was accused of staging that,

Janet Jackson, if you remember. Whereas no one is saying to Caroline Flanagan that's happened. Oh, I bet she's. That's a big publicity stunt. And the gaffer tape on the shoe. No. That old one.

But we've all had it. I've told you I lost my shoe on Ramesses Revenge. Did you? With Boyzone when I ended up in a photo call with the band. Wow. And it fell off. I've told you that. Great showbiz anecdotes.

I went to a hoedown once and I'd forgot my leather waistcoat. So I had to secure my sheriff's badge to my um to my nipple did you so these things do happen did you use a loop of sticky tape is that right no no i used um the pin i used an ice cube i didn't know he was around in your day oh frank yeah what about joeash? He lost his clothes on the motorway going home from the Brits. He was due to present Good Morning Britain the next day and managed to somehow lose his clothes. Was it the A12? It was the A12.

Does that sound right? Okay, Al, I thought I'd check. That's the bit of the story that I was most interested in. I knew you'd like that. Which roads does that connect Al? Oh well that's up towards the That was a hospital pass Okay I had enough

It's going out towards Essex basically I see I knew he'd know vaguely It was a fair guess Frank Joe Swash's road home It's going out towards Essex You know what I'm saying? To go from one of your passionate subjects, motorways,

to one of Frank's, which is people wearing suits with a T-shirt underneath because they look like Frank. I do not like that. They look like the Frankenstein monsters. And I've got nothing against that. I mean, I like the Frankenstein monsters look. But he really went for it because he had to borrow a suit jacket swash from a colleague

and he only had the vest underneath, so it was full Frankenstein monster. He still looks good. He's another bloke who's changed his appearance. I don't know how they do it. All right. We'll tell you during a song if you want. Okay, thanks very much. Thanks very much.

It's the idea. Yeah. Sorry, do we have to, I'm getting, I'll come back, I'll come with, I'm getting such a look from the producer.

Why did he leave the codes on the car rack? Text in, 8-12-15. Yes, yes it was, it was things on, when you leave things on the roof,

like the briefcase on the roof. Not your clothes. Cup of coffee or whatever. We'll come back to this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about Joe Swash. You are.

I was. And his incident. Yeah. On the A12. So is the idea, didn't he do that thing, you know like when you put a cup of, you put your cup of coffee on the

you've just bought, on the car roof and then you get in the car and drive off and the coffee. Is that what he did? He put his clothes on the roof. Apparently so. Yeah, I believe so, but why it's, I mean I don't think I'd ever put my clothes on the roof, would you? Well there's a lot of dirt

and that on the car roof. Yeah, I guess they were wrapped. They could have been wrapped. Presumably they were in a bag or something. A suit carrier. He said he was apparently pleading with fans. That's a very tabloid phrase. Oh, yeah. Pleading with fans to locate the outfit,

which is on the A12 somewhere, so perhaps we can help him with this appeal. I mean, as appeals go. You know, I've heard more soul-wrenching ones. But he says, there was a lovely fitted jacket with a delicate pinstripe, grey with a tinge of navy blue. It has my name in the back of it. He couldn't have just said that.

It has to be a fib. No, because you would get it for the outfit. Because you were wearing it for the Brits, they have your name on it, don't they? For wardrobe, okay. I don't know, I've never been on the Brits. have your name on it don't they for wardrobe I don't know I've never been on the Brits no but I can see it would have had

the name my Jerry Halliwell dress certainly had Frank Skinner on it just in case Jerry put it on what if I'd gone on

as Jerry Halliwell and it had gone really well and I was now doing a popular sitcom called Mrs Halliwell's Boys in which I played the older Jerry Halliwell

and all that. All these little turning points. So, is Joan Swartz driving up and down the A12 today trying to find his clothes? It's a tragic image. Yes, I know. Well, I agree. It is a bit Alan Partridge, isn't it?

I don't like the idea of him walking up and down the motorway. No, that's an awful looking in hedgerow. I still don't understand how he did it. Maybe he's got a pair of shorts on because he's misjudged the weather a bit and he thinks it's fall summer. That's all he's got left. And the vest.

But I don't, yeah. I mean, the Frankenstein monster look is fine. Well, he wore it well. He's in good shape. He's got a nice tan. I don't know I mean the Frankenstein monster look is fine well he wore it well he's in good shape he's got a nice tan I don't know if he's been away well here's the here's the question

did any of this happen what has he got the tan he's got the he wants to show it off his décolletage oh oh

and he's thinking he wants to be careful of telling fibs in the media these days. They've got really thorough on checking that. So you think it's a vest justification hoax? Yes. I'm just saying it could be. Oh, maybe.

Could be, OK? Wow, I never thought of that. But if anyone finds the fitted jacket with delicate pinstripe grey with a tinge of navy blue, Get in touch with the family Swash. It's got a sticker on with his name. The Swash Solomons, they're called. Yeah, the Swash sticker. Are they?

I can't think. If you see a jacket with a Swash sticker on it in Essex, phone the police. It's fight or fight. There's only Frank who hasn't got his head in his hands in this room now I played a stupid game of chance this week

I was I was out on a dog walk with my family the two junior Cockerels and Mrs. Cockerel, and we took the football with us to just have a kickabout. Yeah. Because females play football too on dog walks.

No, no, they do. It's a World Cup, isn't it? So we got to the goals bit and we were playing. What did you use as posts? Goal posts, yeah. Oh, goal posts. They're old We're quite trad like that

and my son had went to get the ball to collect it from behind the goal and as he's running back he kicked it out of his hands to sort of boot it onto the pitch if you like and million to one chance it goes up in the air

and hits the crossbar and bounces back and he catches it in his hands again right like incredible and i for a laugh blurted out if you do that again i'll give you a hundred quid and he did like exactly the same thing again wow Wow. Brutal. How far back is it? How far back is it? I mean, absolutely brutal. Probably about... It's brutal. Maybe 20, 25 feet, something like that. Okay.

Just total fluke. There's no way that he's... Well, he did it twice. I mean, frankly, he's not that good at football that he can kick it against a bar from that distance. Don't get bitter with him because you have to give him... Did you give him the £100? Yes, I've given him the £100.

£100? All through this Yes, I've given him the £100. £100? All through the show I've been thinking, what's wrong with Alan? He's pensive, he's preoccupied. He's not been himself all morning. No, I've also put a bread knife through every football in the house as well, I'll tell you that for nothing. Oh, and the whippet.

What are the chances? I'm so angry so wow I mean amazing that's a lot of money oh man to any of us but to you

that will cause your physical pain we laughed our head off for about well when you say we yeah they laughed their head off

I sobbed but they laughed did he march you to the cash point like they used to do when gentlemen had left down Strip Barts? I believe. They were all laughing. Carl Claude Jr. must have been

as happy as he's ever been in his life. Can you imagine? Almost worth it for that. I'd be happy to do it. Just to do it twice is brilliant. Well, of course, you wouldn't have been able to have enjoyed the moment. No. But the joy of it. But why did that fall out of my face at that moment?

If you can do that again, I'll give you... What a stupid thing to say. Reckless. And I've said some stupid things in my life, but that one's up there. Come on. Don't put yourself to harm. That one's up there.

Well done you for paying it. I know there would have been a dozen loopholes dancing around your mind. Yeah, I did try and create some small print. £100 though, Al. I mean, you went high there. I know. He started too high. Yeah, he's bought...

Shares. Shares in British cash. Put it in a mini cash icer Like father We've got some emails here Yes From weeks gone by in fact We used to do a feature called Email Corner

You may remember. Yes. When Sarah took over as the new producer, which was January, wasn't it? I said, what about new year, new producer, new beginnings, I said. Yeah. What about a new Email Corner jingle? And so I just said...

Oh, she done one. So I just said, have you got that email? And she she's so i just said so i just said have you got that email and she said yeah you might have to share the email but when i didn't know it was going to be interactive what do you mean let's have a listen So just before corner. Yeah. What does it say? Is he saying gardener? Corner.

I've been around the corner. I've been around my gardener. Should we go again and say email? That's my business. Let's try it again. Okay. Okay, I'm ready. Email. Email.

Email. Email. Email. Email. Email. Email. Oh, no. Yes. Perfect. I think that was really...

I'm too exhausted now to talk about any email. I mean, the problem is coming in first. I just felt stiff with stress. And he's also... He's saying something as well, you know, we're crashing him. The thing is, if we'd have been following him, I think the call and answer conceit has survived for

a reason. Oh yeah. Okay. I think for that we'd have to find a song where someone was singing the word email, and then we could shout the word corner. Yeah. It may be harder to do. I don't know. It may be harder to do. Hang on. Oh, I thought I could. It may be harder to do, but... Hang on. Oh, I thought I could think of one just now.

Oh, we'll think. OK. Well, the wind may have gone from the sails of this emissive. No, no, no. Hello, Frank, Divine, Miss M and Alan. I'm writing this email to ask whatever happened to email corner. See what I did there? I haven't heard any of the email corner jingles for a while now

and I wondered if you'd lost them. Praise redacted as per your terms and conditions, Dave Thorne. Well, I think we'll all agree it was worth the wait, Dave, for that jingle. We're back in business, pal. But, you know, we can... Yes. I mean... I mean, that must have been terrible to listen to. Yeah, well, I think we should bring it back, Email Corner.

Yeah, let's do that. It had a thing about it. Yeah. I'm still in email. Connor! Yeah? Can we remain here temporarily? This is from Paul.

He says, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, from my little apartment in New York, listening to your weekly podcast. Goodness. Oh, that sounds so glamorous. New York! He sounded so plaintive.

What was it? It combined three popular songs about New York, but it didn't interfere with the melody of any of them. I've got decision problems, so I thought I'll just have a crack at all. It's great for clearance. It was a bit of Jay-Z. No one could prove that was their song.

It was neither Jay-Z, nor Frank Sinatra, nor Gerard Kenny. No. You're joking it. Or a Taylor Swift. No, or Taylor Swift. It's a remix.

Welcome to New York. It sounded like somebody's last words. Anyway, he's in New York. I like it. I like the sound of this Paul.

He sounds a bit hero in a rom-com. Yeah, I like Paul in an apartment. Is Hugh Grant in a rom-com? Anyway, he's in New York. I like the sound of this Paul. He sounds a bit hero in a rom-com. Yeah, I like Paul in an apartment. Is Hugh Grant in a rom-com? Anyway, he continues. Listening to your weekly podcast, I, for no other reason than that of posterity, want to point out a Correzione.

You got that, Jingles? What's she changed that to this week? Correzione, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction,

Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction,

Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction,

Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction,

Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction,

Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction,

Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction,

Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction,

Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction,

Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction,

Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, Correction, I'm afraid actually Austrian. I feel somewhat churlish for even pointing this out. Not least given the splendid rendition of Torba, you then went on to give Tauber. I'm sorry.

However, I feel as a fellow Brummie, living in New York, he's done well, you will forgive me. Okay, this is from Paul. Yours in obedience, although not in the S&M context. Well, yes. So, yeah. I think he's pitched that very well.

So, Richard Tauber. You are my heart's delight. As we said, was a famous monocle. Was so famous in 1940. Yes. Speaking of which, he was alive during World War II. So there would have been a time when he was German. Because of the annexing of Austria.

I think that's correct. Is there any historians that gets that wrong? You've got to be Star Wars. We do have historians that occasionally contact the show. Yes, yes. We might have to email us. Next week's email corner. I saw a picture of...

We must close soon. I saw a picture of Richard Tauber. Oh, yeah. And he was wearing... Strange internet search. What about this for a level of self-confidence? He was wearing a monocle with no string. Wow.

Wow-y. Like seeing trapeze without the safety net. I mean, so confident that he had the squint. He must have had a squint of iron. Yeah. That he felt there was no need for a support string. The squint could be maintained at all times. Some real facial musculature going there, isn't it?

Which does suggest there was some Germanness in him, that level of confidence. Whereas the Austrians are more poetical, I always think. Anyway, there we have it for another week. Email Corner is back. Martin Gardner, just to close us, says, Email Corner needs a rethink. Yes.

Okay, sorry, Sarah. Did he email that? Yes, he did. Okay, good lad. Good lad. Okay, so anyway, that's it for this week. Thank you for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. Get your weekly Frank fix. Listen to the show as it happens on Saturday morning from 8 until 11 with more music and fewer ads with the Absolute Radio app.