The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Much of a Muchness

Episode Date: August 13, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by the Divine Miss Em and Steve Hall. Frank has a new photo ID and did some cycling. The team talk Olympic swimming, Em's speed awareness course and TV programmes people watch that make them unattractive.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean. Steve Hall here today. You can Steve Empty Hall as he's known in the business. Text the show... A lovely start. Quite an intro, Frank. Text the show, not really, text the show at 8.12.15. If you would,

follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. If you please, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. If you're over, my end deal. I like Frank's new method of dispensing with insults. He just says, oh, not really. Anyway, I think Donald Trump should try that.

Not really. Just kidding. I think that's a standard comedian thing you really abuse someone in the audience and then say nah mate at the end you say thanks for being a good sport so it works that's how it works

seven years of being a good sport anyway here we are on Absolute Radio Good morning Tokyo come on Good morning, Tokyo. Come on. Good morning, Tokyo. Happy to be seeing you. Happy to

be seeing you. Oh, that cheers me up. I can't tell you. Cheers me up. Honestly. That's been a great start to the morning. They have a double espresso. I just listened to that. I had my coconuts. Yeah. Emily's been offering her cocon start to the morning. Some people have a double espresso. I just listened to that. I had my coconuts. Yeah.

Emily's been offering her coconuts around the room. What about the Olympics? I'm enjoying that, Frank. Yes, me too. I say I'm enjoying it, but I don't get to see an awful lot of it because it is on at 2am. Well, no, it isn't on. It's on more or less all day.

I've watched it every night since it's been on. You just get the chunk of it. I watched the trampoline in last night. Oh, did you, Frank? The Canadian girl. Never mind her. We got silver in it. Bryony Page, you got silver in the trampoline. I must admit, I'll be straight with you,

I know the name now of our representative, or one of them. I didn't know trampolining was an Olympic event until about half past seven last night. But she won it, and God bless her afterwards. She won silver, and she said, honestly, I couldn't have asked for any more. And I thought, well... But no, it's great. Have you ever seen it?

Ever seen the trampolining? No. What do they have to do then? A lot of bouncing. Well, clearly. But where does the skill and the technique come in? Because I can do the trampoline, love. First of all, they bounce really, really high.

Oh, yeah. And they bounce so high that there's time to do triple, quadruple, salsa, semi-salty thingies in the air. So they're spinning and all. I think we need to get you in as the commentator. Yeah, I think so. We'll be alright with that. The routines last about 20 seconds. I'm not kidding.

Imagine that, four years practice. That's that out the way. 20 seconds. Anyway, it's been marvellous. And the Coxless Fours, of course. I don't know why they keep bringing that up. They're nice lads. I love the rowing coverage.

They met in hospital. Three of them had shot the oven door too quickly. The other one was an automobile thing. He was so excited every four years because he knows there'll be cocks and spores. It's worth the whole Olympics. It's worth that. I haven't even got round to the rings yet.

Anyway, can I ask you a technical question? You may. You know when you watch the, I believe, is it called the floor exercise? Oh, I love the floor, yeah. Ribbons of Kimbo. Do they score? No, that's the, that's different. Oh, is it? Oh, I love the floor, yeah. Ribbons are Kimbo. Do they actually, do they score, no, that's the, um,

that's different. Oh, is it? Oh, I apologise. That is the, um, rhythmic gymnastics you were talking about. Oh, I love that you know all this, Frank. With the ribbons. No, on the floor, I know what you mean with the floor. Imagine, imagine being a sports person who arrives with ribbons. I mean, that is, that's just fantastic. Yeah. Oh, I'll just

stir. You got me ribbons, Paul Give me I nearly forgot my ribbons Can you imagine it If you forget them you just have to find the nearest birthday shop What would you do if you forgot your ribbons Oh you'd have to Because everyone's got ribbon in a drawer

Somewhere If I get a nicely wrapped gift, I think it's a shame to throw that ribbon away. Yeah, you keep it. I'd be out with that one. I'd still have a little bit of sellotape on it. Oh, and it would still have Merry Christmas on it. It's all frayed at the edges, Frank.

No, it has the snake tongue ending. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's what I'd... I'd just work something out, actually. I just... Sorry. I'll explain later. We have... I should explain, but after this I'll explain to you

about what I'm calling the new system. Don't worry, there hasn't been a coup during the night, but things have changed at Absolute Radio, and you know what? It ain't never going to be the same again. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio now you were chuckling to yourself before frank what was that over would you care to share it with us well because uh charlie the producer normally hands me a note saying what the next

thing is so you know the name of the song or adverts or stuff like that it's a it's a way of saying stop talking and do your job um but there's we have a new system now at um at absolute and i had to come in this week for my for some a training day well i love charlie told me in the week she said oh i can't talk to you then frank's got his training it's gone so mike baldwin's factory he's got his training i thought i had to come in and do my training day which was which was quite it's a bit like it's a bit like being a normal person just for an afternoon and um it's all right did you enjoy i don't know what they moan about it's all right anyway um yeah so this is much it's called... This new system is called the Lorax.

Is it? Yeah. Oh, I think I caught one of those in Pokemon the other day. Yeah, it's based on the Dr Seuss book. And I don't know why it's called that. It is... Actually, it isn't called that. I've just been told

that one thing you mustn't be on a radio show is gappy. So if there's anything you don't know, make it up. Okay. So we're operating on the Lorax. In your case, lie. Well, I don't think it's exactly... Who cares what it's called?

What is it called, Charlie? All right, Bill Clinton. Zeta. Was my name better or was it not Bill Clinton. Pardon? Zeta. Zeta. Was my name better or was it not? It was better than Zeta. Can I just say something? Yes.

Our stomach rumbled. So... Oh, sorry. Sorry. Would you like to explain that, Emily? It's your area. No, I think I'd like you to explain it on my behalf. Okay, well, Emily works in the fashion industry, as you may know, and this is a bit poor, and we disapprove,

but if anyone's stomach rumbles, the whole office applauds. I'll let you work out why. It's a joke. It's a joke, of course. I mean, come on, it's a joke. Before you start sending me abusive emails, it's a joke. Oh, I know. Do the office, do they need a training day to practice?

So what happened with Zeta? So I've worked it out now, the Lorax. I'm going to stick with that. I like my name better. And it's so... Oh, it's going to be a much more professional show, guys, if you're listening. There's going to be time checks, travel.

There's not. There's a competition. You can win an anvil. We tried to do a competition once. Hammer and tongs not included. So that was a jingle I just played. That wasn't me. What about when we tried to do a competition five years ago

and they were never allowed to do one again? Terrible. I think I read out the answer before we'd done it or something. I did. We don't understand things like that. And we've got a guest today. Nigel Cope is here, the inventor of the belt. Or as he used to call it in the old days the hands-free so um no we haven't not we haven't got any of those things we'll be as unprofessional but

yeah so i've actually been in i've been trained i'm now sitting looking at a completely different desk okay wow do you have to do you get tested do you have to pass you get a certificate tested they made me do i sort of have already done this show but with different jokes um obviously i still did jokes even though it was training day because that's the kind of a guy i am and uh the only thing i didn't get to play was good Good morning, Tokyo. I mean, whoa! Is it nice? Is it nice or is it not nice? Happy to be seeing you. Thank you.

Happy to be seeing you. Oh, I wish that woman worked for me. Imagine a little tap on the bedroom door every morning. Then I suppose you'd have to let her out. Yeah. I feel like the Lorax has gone to your head. You've got a glint in your eye. I love it. I love Lorax.

Can I just say, we're doing so well. We're third in the Olympics. I knew that. Seven medals. Yes. No more than that. Seven golds, I'm sorry. Germany are sixth. What's your point? I'm just saying. World War II was not a waste of time.

Maybe. I'll tell you something else in a minute. So, I know we need to talk about the Olympics, but there's one particular area I would like to kick off with, which is to do with some of the sartorial choices of the presenters. Oh, yeah. Unsurprisingly. I've got some opinions on this.

Okay. Helen Skelton, I believe her name is. Oh, yes. I can't hear her name without thinking of the Beatles' White Album. Helen Skelton. Nanananananana. Oh, yes. Helen Skelton.

That's one of those little earworms i can't get out of my head no that's that i can see that that's great let's talk about clothes though um skeleton ever gets a radio show she's got to get that done as a that's our little jingle in the proper was it is it it's mccartney i think doom doom doom, doom, doom. Helen Skelton! Doom, doom, doom. Helen Skelton! Yeah, it'd be great. She's probably already got a radio show. Everyone has.

Oh, we have, for heaven's sake. We have. I suppose we better do it. Stop just talking like we're in an aisle house. Helen Skelton? No, no, no, no, no. We need to get a little jingle for her. Just that bit?

Yeah. She's beginning the viewers into a right old drama. Can we just try this? Helen Skelton. Better or worse, I think stick with Helter Skelton. Oh, I quite like that. Okay. It's growing on me.

I should say, with the new system, I can see my jingles more clearly, and now I can't leave them alone. This is why I never wear elasticated waist trousers. I think that new system is not good for someone with a slight borderline ADHD. I don't mind you saying. You might be right. You've been right before, for God's sake.

Carry on. So, Helen Skelton... Yeah. You're just playing with the waistband, aren't you? I am. She has been getting the viewers into a right old lather because of some of her choices, her clothing choices. Firstly, they said she showed too much leg.

Oh, for goodness sake. She had a little play suit on, it was. I thought she looked fantastic. A play suit? No, where do you define that? A play suit means... It's a bit like a little baby grow except with a skirt. So what it means... Oh, it's a skirt rather than a short.

Think of a cut-off jumpsuit, Frank. Imagine the jumpsuit was cut off. I know what, I will do that. At the thigh. Hold on. Oh. Sorry, I was a bit gappy, but I was thinking... OK.

Actually, the jumpsuit I thought of was a bit gappy as well. Often with a dungaree format in the chest area. Now, she also wore spaghetti straps. I love spaghetti straps. Love them. I do. I love their little tussle with the bra strap. I do.

That's great. I do, frankly. Who's going to win, we think to ourselves? Yes. That's the only winner's going to win, we think to ourselves. Yes. That's the only winner we care about, poolside. Now, the thing is, I think she looks absolutely fantastic. And it's so rare to see someone looking fashion forward in those Olympics. Those people can't dress.

They look disgusting. She looks incredible. Well, they're used to sportswear, you see. Oh, they look like apprentice candidates. I can't bear it. She's incredible. Well, they're used to sportswear, you see. Oh, they look like apprentice candidates. I can't bear it. She's stylish. Her stylist is Cobby Yates, who is Reggie Yates' brother. Is that right?

Yeah. We've worked with Cobby Yates. He styles Beaver Belieber. He styles Cara Delevingne. Oh, God, he's done well. He brought Delevingne on the same CV. What a guy. Jessie J.

Wow. The one-armed jumpsuit at the Olympics. Is that what she's called, the one-armed jumpsuit? Never heard her called that before. Anyway, I've talked too much about fashion, and I'll be boring the reader saying... I'm outraged. How dare Helen Skelton wear something, you know,

not particularly covering in Rio? You know, she should be wearing a parka she should be wearing a scarf at the side of the swimming pool which i it's always hot yeah i mean what do you think about this guys i mean are you nervous it's difficult because you can you even talk can we even me and steve even mention ellen skelton's legs without um without being risking losing our entire careers well you can with me in the room, because you know I won't hold back. I'll tell you why she's got good legs.

Tap dancer. It's a classic formula. I believe she's a registered teacher of tap dancing. Wouldn't that be a great end to the Olympics? Come on, Ellen! Like, ah, zimba, zimba, zimba, zimba. And she's married to a rugby

league player, so I like the idea that she wooed him with her tap dancing. Hold on. Trying to get some tap dancing. It's not easy with a biro. Oh, the Lorax. The Lorax has let me down. If only it were Bakelite. Things would be different.

This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. Yes, Helen Scott, we were talking about it off air. I'm a huge fan, I've got to say. Are you? Well, only recently. I didn't know the woman from A Bar of Imperial Leather before. But since this Rio, it was partly prompted by the clothes and cobby's work i won't lie but i'm a i'm a new fan but is it all right is it all right to say oh yeah good legs or is that a

bad thing to say i can't work there anymore i'm okay with that yeah i mean i was i was raised by on the generation i Roy Slow Talker Walker on Catchphrase. Say what you see. And I don't know if you can do that anymore. I think it's just, because we'll all be, presumably,

we'll all be saying it about Gary Lineker later tonight. That his legs will be on display. Well, not necessarily. He might have terrible legs. No, actually, I've seen his legs, obviously. Many, many times. Who hasn't seen his legs? Yes, quite. No, actually, I've seen his legs, obviously. Many, many times in shorts. Yeah, who hasn't seen his legs?

Well, yes, quite right. I just, I mean, it wouldn't be all right if she had horrible legs, to say she's got horrible legs. Do you know what I think? I mean, although... Sorry, let the men talk. Then again, John Wayne is big-legged. They got away with that.

So I heard. Yeah. Bernie Clifton. Good legs, Bernie Clifton. And they hang sort of limp along the side. Do you want to know what I think about this? Yes. I think it all comes down to intent and the person

saying it. You are allowed to say it because you are very much not a creep. Steve, I would say the same of. Oh, less. Thank you. Maybe 7% less, if I'm being honest. I think he lives a little closer to creepdom.

He does, actually. I don't know why that is. Good legs. There you go, you see. Frank, there would be a joie de vivre and an innocence. And I think that's why it's OK. Well, look, what about... About three weeks ago, I said to Charlie, our producer, you know what?

I saw her from an angle I'd never seen her from before. And I said, you know what, Charlie, you've got a really nice nose. And I thought it went a bit tense. I thought the whole room went a bit tense. And she's got one of those, what they used to call a ski slope nose. I think it's retrousse, isn't it? Is that what it's called? Just a slight rise at the end just to get the propulsion it's the sort of nose that would be

on a surgeon's wall is that right well i think people would ask for that nose i mean we're all talking about it now this is going to be chris evans maybe we shouldn't be on a surgeon's wall and maybe on any of the eagles drive yeah but um i i thought oh maybe I shouldn't have said After I thought that was a bit I think that's caused There'll probably be at least an inquiry An informal warning Yeah, I think there'll probably have to be a tribunal

I'll have to speak to The long arm of the Lorax Yeah, it'll be Frank Skinner's nasal charges No, even that though I felt after I thought maybe I shouldn't have mentioned. No, even that, though, I felt after, I thought maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the nose. No, it's fine. I think what's fine about it is it's open.

I think if you were sending her direct messages on Twitter saying, you've got a nice nose, I'd have an issue with that. But there must be some body parts that qualify as neutral. I mean, we were saying today, what about this for a texting? How far do you have to be from the beach

before beach wear is inappropriate? Let's ask Orlando Bloom. He should know. That pavement by the side, I think, like in Brighton, I find if I'm on the side of the road of the beach, I'm all right if I'm like a towel around me and shorts. That's it. If I'm on the side of the road of the beach, I'm all right if I'm like a towel around me and shorts.

That's it. If I'm on the other side, inappropriate. But how am I going to get home? Well, bikini top... So Haywood's Heath is too far from the beach in terms of Brighton. I've been going horribly wrong. Well, bikini top in the ice cream shop, yes. Bikini top in Sainsbury's...

You're rapping now. Bikini top in Sainsbury's, no. No, thank you. Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? How do we work that out? I mean, say if a relative of mine died, and it was really... Charming, absolutely charming. And it was really hot,

would it be all right to go and have that... You know that conversation with the funeral director when you look at the brochure and stuff? Would it be all right to do that in shorts and a vest top? Could I get away with a bereavement-based spaghetti strap? 8.12.15. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've got a whatever Happened To from Grant.

Oh, yeah. He's tweeted us. Do you like to hear it? I'm not going to go with the jingle. I want to see if it's up there first. OK. Whatever Happened To. Papi Amache.

Whatever Happened To. Papi Amache. I think that's rather good. What? Is that the bloke that used to control the Smurfs? You don't see it. I mean, my childhood was just lots of buckets with glue and newspaper cuttings.

I know. I know. You're right. I used to be the... Remember those masks? You could blow up a balloon, cover it in papier-mâché, and then burst the balloon, cut it in half. You got two masks. Not one. Not one mask. We've all got one mask, let half. You've got two masks. Not one. Not one mask.

We've all got one mask, let's face it. But two masks. We had a similar... We need some primary school teachers. Do you still use papier-mâché? And also, how marvellous that that was. Looking back, one of the most exotic phrases of my childhood. Papier-mâché.

I used to love saying it. It was the height of avant-garde creativity. I felt so French when I used to say it. Yes. We'll be doing... Miss, are we going to do Papier-mâché? Is that literally mashed paper? Is that how that translates?

Mashed sounds a bit too literal to me. Well, if any of our French correspondents are listening... Surely. Hi there. They could maybe tell us. Charlie, Sarah, do you speak French? Well, I do, but I don't know Mache.

No. You know your problem? You don't know Mache. Colin Dallas has emailed saying, I'm watching an old episode of Morse and someone used something I haven't seen for years. Whatever happened to carbon paper? Oh. I think it all got used for papier-mâché.

I think it did. Oh, and Colin Morse has texted in to say he's watching an episode of Dallas. That is a real kind of... I mean, what? What are the... what are the children, what are the children in this? Why are you butler? Sorry, I amalgamated two comedy figures. Clive has tweeted us.

What, from India? You were talking to us earlier about whether the spaghetti strap was suitable attire for a formal occasion, a sombre occasion. For example, if you were in a funeral... Directors. Yeah, funeral directors. I like the old director. Directors. Build their part a bit, don't they?

Can you imagine one of those loud hailer things and saying, OK, let's throw the clogs up now. OK. Does a Mexican funeral director wear a sombrero? Well, it's funny you should say that, because Clive says, when we buried our mother in her native Italy, it was the funeral director who actually wore a Hawaiian shirt. No. And then he said it was a Saturday.

Wow. At the consultation, he says, not the funeral. I imagine in Hawaii... That's from 990. In Hawaii, they wear black and white Hawaiian shirts. That'd be a lovely thing, just for that. Should I say, every time I have to move on, by the way... I used to get a note from Charlie, I was saying this,

saying, um, shut up. And then saying things like music and adverts and stuff. So I didn't just talk for half an hour. I know I do that. You know, we won best talk programme. Best speech programme. But every time I have to move on now, Charlie passes me a small fez.

That's the symbol that we've adopted. A tiny fez. Which is lovely and it works because it means I know when to move on, like now. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So what else has been happening in the Olympics?

Can I say, on the Red Skelton things, Red Skelton, I should say, it was an old film star. On the Helen Skelton, someone texted in, didn't they, and said, yeah, never mind her legs, what about the fact that she went up the Amazon? She did a super ultra marathon that took a day and all that. Yeah. Yeah, OK, good.

I think I brought up the tap dancing. Yeah. Which to me is more impressive, personally. But one of the things that people have been saying, oh, well, Mark Foster had shorts on, and no-one commented on that, because people don't comment on men's clothes. I've still got people stopping me in the street

talking about the shirt that I wore at the Test match. Really? Oh, ten days ago. Well, it was worthy of discussion. I was coming out en mass on Sunday morning, and Henry Kelly stopped me. Henry Kelly from... So I'm aware of his work.

From going for gold. He goes to the same mass as me. Frank still says game for a laugh. I mean, he hasn't done that poor man since 1985. No, but that's... He'll always be remembered for that. That'll be in his time capsule. And he said to me,

No, but that's... He'll always be remembered for that. That'll be in his time capsule. And he said to me, oh, I saw your shirt featured on the test match. Yeah. So people... So, hey, we've all got our cross to bear. Helen.

You don't have Colby Yates styling you. No, I don't. Not yet. I didn't know Colby was till about... I thought he was a local baker. He's Cabby Yates. Oh, yeah. Cabby Yates. It's not just Helen Skelton. I'm fascinated

by the chemistry between the three of them. And Ms. Adlington. Yes, and Mark Foster, isn't it? I think Rebecca Adlington has been the great revelation of the... I think she's great. Yeah. She's a really good, natural, sort of knowledgeable presenter.

That's all I'm saying. OK. It's good. Well, because she's achieved enough, so her CV is already impressive. It's impressive enough. They're all achievers. Yeah, but achievers are often unspectacular conversationalists. Don't you find?

Yes, I know you do. She sparkles. And best of all, there's a theory that she told Mark Foster to... Well, okay, she used the phrase... Yeah, the second word was off. She did that on air.

They have since suggested that she said back off. Yeah, the second word was off. She did that on air. They have since suggested that she said back off. Yeah, well. Come on, it's a carnival atmosphere. It was 3am. We've all been there. Everyone's had a few. I think it's great. There should be more of that on Sports coverage.

What was interesting was that she got grief for that and she probably didn't say it. No, she did say it. Mark Foster definitely did say it. Did you see the bit where his earpiece fell out? Oh, really? He wasn't on the screen, but they cut two pictures from the pool.

I'm really nervous. And his audio feed, and he says the word and relates to the fact that his earpiece has just dropped out. So he definitely said it, but he's had less grief for actually saying it. Yes, because she's a woman! Oh, sorry, everyone.

Thanks for turning into one of those women's libbers. Yeah, they're often... They're obviously very close, aren't they? Oh, very... There was hand on the leg. But also, you know, I think there's nothing that bonds people more than a common enemy. Who's the common enemy? Verrucas.

They've lived their life avoiding Verrucas. It's like the Blitz. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Stevie Hall. You can... Considered Stevie.

This is a bit of a worrying development. Anyway. It's a bit too Stevie, baby. Hold on a minute. So you've got to text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've still had a number of people saying,

just teachers generally, getting in touch saying they still do papier-mâché. Good news. I haven't seen any evidence at my son's school. I might introduce it at home. Then when they bring it up at school, they'll say, oh, yeah, I know this Babier-Maché yeah I'm going to do it

he'll be friendless but ahead of the game what kind of paste do you use 8, 12, 15 yeah for papi and ashy flour and water we used to use I think at home as paste in our scrapbooks did you? yeah just mixed flour and water

we were copy decks all the way. And Michael McClure says papier-mâché. It's chewed paper. Oh, okay. Oh, of course. Mâché. Pret-à-mâché. Ready to chew. And Annie has said that apparently the phrase avoir une mine de papier-mâché means

to look like death warmed up. Is that right? Brilliant. Well done, Annie. The sun will come out. So, um, I don't think my son will come out tomorrow. Oh, you went a bit gappy there. What happened? I'm sorry, I did go a bit gappy. Gappy, that'd be a lousy musical. I haven't heard anything that's been happening to you. Well, I, I tell you what I did this week, I joined the zoo. Did you? Um, you know, you can get like a- a sort of a family ticket at London Zoo. I hate to steal your thunder, but I've got one. Have you got one?

I'm a zoo member, I get updates all the time from them. Fab! How often do you go? Not that often. Okay. Doesn't matter. I think I've been twice. We've given them the money, that's what counts.

I think I saw a picture of you at the zoo. Did you? On social media. What you talking about, Willie? Were you there with Kevin Eldon? Kevin Eldon was there, Bill Bailey. I like to think that that's just... It's the old packet of three gang. No, no.

Is it people that look vaguely like animals in some way? Because let's be honest kevin eldon is a bit simian oh but i'm i'm caught you look like a handsome meerkat i suppose and bailey bailey looks like all sorts well we were invited i didn't know it's going to be all comics um richard ranch was there and uh oh see the whose line is anyway man he's a piano yeah and um he uh we were invited to a breakfast at the zoo and then we watched some other animals eating as well as us seals was this with the children yes yes bos yes. Boz fed a Columbus monkey, they call. Buzzfeed?

Yeah, Buzzfeed. And also, they have to wear a rubber glove to feed the monkeys. And the monkey snatched Boz's rubber glove off. Oh! And I think the most Boz has ever laughed at anything in his life. He really thought that the glove-snatching monkey was, like, was a good name for a pub, if there's anyone sitting at home thinking, what are we going to call this pub now we've bought it? The glove-snatching monkey.

He honestly thought that was the funniest thing there had ever... He's been telling people about it. It's perhaps his first anecdote. It's always a special moment. So, anyway, I joined and it's one of these things where you have to have your photo taken because you get photo ID, you know, so other people

don't turn up at the zoo pretending, you know, trying to take your I think you've got some celebrity joining thing because No, no, I didn't. I just joined I joined online. Before this I just did it normally. I joined online, but then you have to go and get your photo ID.

Anyway, the photo ID didn't really work out. I'll be straight with you. I mean, they seem to have revived the ancient art of the silhouette. It's the worst. It's the worst I mean Jimmy Floyd Hasselbank Getting to London Zoo On my ID

It's a sort of Skeleton ID You know like a skeleton key Anybody could get it I'll show you We should put a picture of it on We'll put it online I don't know if there's any giveaway information on it,

but the picture is... Well, I mean, I've never looked better. Oh. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've now seen your photo ID, Frank.

Yeah. It's wonderful. It looks like you're on, like, on like police five you want to nip to the zoo with this it's like you're a whistleblower on the program who's like they've asked for their identity not to be revealed exactly i'll just show you talking and love there'll be like subtitles for anything and the little helium voice they favor the lower voice now don't they? Do they? They talk like that, yeah. I haven't seen anyone shot in silhouette on the telly for ages. Oh, I do. But I still do it. Yes, because I watch a lot of...

Whatever happens to you? People shot in silhouette because they've been involved in some sort of shady criminal activity in some way. I like a fly on the wall, police procedural. Yeah. Yeah, what happened to those people? Where are they now? Anyway, so...

Where were they in the first place? So I need to get the whole passport photo thing. I mean, I've got, you know, I've got a freedom pass coming up next year. I want to get it sorted. Oh, are you going to do anything to mark the Freedom Pass? Well, not deliberately, but at that age

I'd best not put it in a back pocket. I, uh... The best picture I think I've ever had taken was... I don't think that quite got the credit. That was extremely good work. Who knows what credit it got at home.

The best picture I ever had, I think, was on an ID card, back in the West Midlands, back in the day. And it was a thing that you could get if you were unemployed, and it was called a passport to leisure. And you already have that. Yeah, and it meant that you could go to local sports centres and things cheap. And the picture on my passport to leisure card, I tell you what I'm doing, I'm buttoning my trousers as we speak.

Is that all right? Get stuck in. Buttoning rather than on. You enjoy the show. Yeah. And, yeah, that's the best picture i've ever taken that's great because passport to leisure that that sounds like a euphemism for someone's p45 like if you don't if you don't buck your ideas up you'll be getting your passport to

leisure i was very worried where that sentence was going to end passport to leisure sounds like a euphemism for somebody's p and i'm on the edge of my seat thank god it was numbers phew speaking of age what about this i had uh i had the other night you put the fear of god into me when you say anything i had i had a bowl of uh blackberries the other night sit or sit and watch it sit and watch the olympics very underrated they are very underrated because in a way you know i'm still not totally sure the black current the black the blackberry is the one with multiple orbs the blackberry i'm going a darker harder raspberry yes yeah okay good summary i enjoyed your pronunciation of blackberry because it made me want to go bam bam, a lamb. Oh, blackberry? Bam, a lamb. Ah, blackberry!

Anyway, so I had... What I like is a bowl of fruit with a bit of yoghurt on top. That's how I live my life. Natural? Well, we got a few fruit yoghurts, and it occurred to me that we'd got blackberry yoghurt. And I thought, well, now, is this a good thing or a bad thing, blackberry yoghurt on blackberries?

And I said to Kath, can I ask you advice? Advice? You actually needed advice on it. And she said, what? And I said, because we've been together a long time, I said, what do you think about blackberry yogurt on uh on blackberries she said i don't know and i said is it and then i said one of the oldest person things i think i've ever said do you think it's a bit too much of a muchness i'd even forgotten that anyone had ever said that, and it just came out naturally out of me. Is it too much of a muchness?

I mean, a younger man would have opted for overkill, presumably. He would have said, oh, is it going to harsh my mellow? Have I created a yoghurt tautology? Yeah, but I was so natural to me. Too much of a muchness. That's what's wrong with this show. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I had a tweet from BlueView8 in response to the picture of your photo ID.

He just replied, that is clearly Keith Chegwin. Well, if Cheggers ever needs to go to the zoo. No, I think it's non-transferable, actually. Yeah. But, boy, temptation. We could make an absolute killing. Mm, that'd be a sick thing to do, ticket touting at London Zoo. I don't think you'd make that much money.

Well, maybe not. I don't know, it's not cheap. No, and it's popular as well it's very fine i must say i i went off zoos for a long time i didn't like the way they um they used to skulk in their living quarters the animals well they were they never delivered i mean the bears they never delivered there's nothing more traumatic than a horrible zoo. Singapore Zoo is one of the more upsetting things I've ever been to. Berlin upset me, Berlin too.

But London Zoo is lovely and caring and nurturing and has genuinely encouraged my child to be interested in nature. Anyway, let's got that out of the way. 200 quid, the I may say that.

Not really. They've got those lovely... Not really. Lovely shabby chic cabins now in the lion enclosure. Have they? We can stay in the lions now. You can stay in the lion enclosure? Yeah, in the lion area.

You can stay there. I think we should all do it. Goodness me. Oh, come on, let's do the show from the lion enclosure. Imagine if I was ripped apart by three lions. Can you imagine the headline? Oh, come on, let's do the show from the lion enclosure. Imagine if I was ripped apart by three lions. Can you imagine the headline? Oh, dear. Anyway, I've been watching a bit of cycling this week, obviously.

Yeah. And as you know, I have recently... Do you cycle, Steve? No, I have done in the past. You can cycle. I can cycle, but... You know, I have only recently started to dabble in the... I see.

I mean, I'm too frightened to go on the road to this day. But I do, in gated communities, I cycle. Yeah. That could be a very well-to-do tour de France. Yeah. I'd cycle around the zoo, for example. I'd be happy with that. But I was in... I was doing a bit of example. I'd be happy with that. But I was doing a bit of filming.

I'll be straight with you. Lovely. In Margate. I actually went down to Margate. And you can keep the Costa Brava and all of that palaver I would rather, etc. And a man came up. I do an art programme on Sky Arts.

I'm familiar with it. Well, I did too, and the one I was working on was called Landscape Artist of the Year. So there were people painting the bay at Margie. And a guy was on a bike, and he came down. Now, one of the artists, I don't think this is spoilers, he sort of added a bit to his painting by using his feet. So he started putting footprinty type bits in one corner

to suggest people arriving on the beach and arriving in the country type of thing for the first time. The old migrant thing. And he was doing that and and this kid come down, and there was a woman doing what I thought was a fabulous ink drawing next to it. And this kid on the bike said, that's rubbish compared to that one there, which was a bit. And he didn't use the word rubbish.

I've cleaned it up a bit. And I said, oh, you think so? I said, well, everyone's entitled to their opinion. And he said, he did that with his feet as well. And I said, no, no, he didn't do all that with his feet. He just did that last smodgy bit with his feet. And the guy just rode off on his bike. And I thought, it's great for a faux pas a bicycle

i've never occurred to me before someone goes a bit you're gone yeah he was just gone yeah and that's that's given me a bit more incentive yeah well you get the last word the fast getaway yeah and i actually i mean i was riding a bike in a gated community recently. And it's the first time since I've been messing about on a bike that I heard myself singing. Because I only sing when I'm relaxed. And on a bike, I'm very tense, you see. And I became aware that I was singing Joni Mitchell's Big Yellow Taxi. And that was on the bike? That was on the bike. I mean, ironic that I'd brought uh Joni Mitchell's Big Yellow Taxi and that was on the bike that was on

the bike I mean I mean ironic that I'd brought in another form of transport oh yeah I could call it a rival you're messing it all up now I know but I just I thought that that's a real step forward I like that you did that on my bike you don't seem at all mentally unwell no and. But that's a very good tip, you know, because in my early days of my horse riding, I'm now something of an expert equestrian, as you know. In the early days, my instructor would always advise that. Sing it.

Sing while you ride if you're scared when cantering. It's a distraction, you see. That's good. He made me sing Spice Girls. Yeah. Well, I was once... Oh, really? Yeah. He said, what's your sing Spice Girls. He's, yeah. Well, I was once, oh, really? Yeah. He said, what's your favourite Spice Girls

song? The trouble is, I'd be worried about losing control when I symbolise two become one. The horse might veer to the left. I, um, I was once on a horse in Montana, and I'm very bad on a horse as well, and I could not stop singing

Champion the Wonder Horse. Oh! In fact, at one point I completely lost control of it and it was the only way I stayed the same. And did the horse, you know, like the way Eric Clapton asked you to stop singing Layla? Yes. So did the horse sort of turn around and go,

can you stop that? It's embarrassing. Oh, Steve, that's one of my favourite stories. It's a really lovely story. I had a similar thing this week i met what happened i met um i met ricky from the kaiser chiefs and i was constantly on the well i predicted right i mean i was so it was always there you're so embarrassed what is it it's in my mind i know but you can't do that in front of these people you're part of the civilized society now anyway

the bike thing i I was thinking, it's a good thing to learn things late, I think. I think you appreciate things more. If I learnt when I was five, I wouldn't know. I think you're right. But now I can. I'm working on the two-fingered whistle. You know that thing that people do?

I don't think it's too late, even for me now, to go for the two-fingered whistle. I mean, it's not as popular as it was in the age of political correctness. But, yeah, I'm going to work on it. If there's any kind of tips anyone would like to send me for a two-fingered

whistle, 81215. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had a tip for the whistling from Stuart. He says, the four-finger whistle is easier. Roll the tip of your tongue and blow. Very Lauren McCall. Four fingers.

That's a bit Humphrey Bogart. Work in progress. You looked a bit like the old Happy E logo as you did that yes roll that here we go yeah um we'll see how we go i don't really like that this time next week i'll be starting the show with it i mean with the whistle not with, not with that. I can't wait. 411. What's the 411, Frank? Has...

I don't know what that means. Does anyone else know what that means? I do. It's a Mary J. Bly album. Blyge. Bly, I think you pronounce it. Maybe you do say Blyge. I've always said Bly.

I think it's Blyge. I think it's spelt Blyge, but I think people say Mary J. Bly. I believe her name is a pun on what you're obliged. I think you made that up, right? It's a sort of thank you to all the fans. You adopted that as a stage name. 411 was the equivalent of Director Inquiries in America for many years. What's the 411?

Anyway, 411 has got in touch. I'm teaching you a lot this morning, Frank. Whatever happened to... Yeah? Hopscotch. Now, can I say, I went to a school sports... And was there hopscotch? And there was hopscotch.

There was hopscotch and then some. So I'm afraid... Sorry. I mean, it's a good try, but I still see hopscotch. What would one call them? Courts. Tempor see hopscotch, what would one call them, courts, temporary hopscotch courts on the pavement near my house. Do you know what? I like that you're quite strict about gaining entry to whatever happens to you.

You don't get a jingle unless it really makes me think, wow, yes, of course. I mean, Papi and Masha was from the top end. This could be a decent Room 101 spin-off. Yes. Picture commission times six. Keep the standards high. This could be a decent Room 101 spin-off. Yes. I think... Pitching commission times six. Keep the standards high. Yes, exactly. That's

a general rule in life. On the subject of having suggested we pitch that as a TV idea, there's hot news from the world of TV. Researchers have done some research, as they are wont to do, showing that 63% of Brits... Can I stop you there? I just love that you said, as they are wont to do, showing that 63% of Brits... Can I stop you there?

I just love that you said, as they are wont to do. It was like being on breakfast television. Much of a muchness. It's got a bit much of a muchness. What will mine be? So what did these crazy researchers say? They reckon that 63% of Brits, and I always love a bit of research

that refers to people as Brits, think that having the right taste in television makes you a more attractive person. 100. And... You agree with that? They suggest that the attractive programmes to watch, Sherlock and Game of Thrones,

whereas, conversely, EastEnders and, brace yourself, Doctor Who... Oh, what a surprise. ...are a dating red flag. That is... Doctor Who! Doctor Who, helping police with their inquiries? dating red flag. That is... Doctor Who. Doctor Who, helping police with their inquiries. I think so. That's wrong.

I'd be genuinely attracted to someone who liked Doctor Who. It's odd that Game of Thrones gets the thumbs up, but Doctor Who gets the thumbs down. That doesn't seem fair at all. That's because no-one's actually seen Game of Thrones. No, excuse me, I have. And your dearest friend is in it, so I'd shut right up if I were you. I know that. I have several

friends in it. Now listen, don't we all? Yes. Everyone is in it. But I would say, with Doctor Who... Well, I know what I would say about people saying that about Doctor Who, but it would all go a bit Rebecca Adlington. That's so outrageous.

Go on, go on. Let me tell you the theory. I know you were saying, well, actually, what's the difference? The difference is I hate to say it, there is a lot of money and glamour involved in Game of Thrones. There's not tinfoil in Shepperton. Neither is Doctor Who, though. It is. I know you keep saying it's moved on, it's different.

When did you last watch it? 1964? No, I watched it only the other week. There's no tinfoil. It doesn't matter how much money they throw at it, it's still regional sci-fi. That is... Oh! Take that!

It's kicking off. It is kicking off. But I kind of love it. Look, we're going to have to go to a break while I have a shower. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about people who watch TV programmes and whether the fact that they like those TV shows

makes them unattractive to the opposite sex. Or the same sex. EastEnders surprises me as well. I thought, they're not frightened of commitment if you watch EastEnders. me as well. They're not frightened of commitment. If you watch EastEnders. Yeah, well, that's true, because they say that scene is unattractive.

I don't know. I'm going to say something. I'm going to get in trouble. It's all going to go a bit Helen Skelton's legs. OK. I don't like men who watch soaps. Mal, that's controversial. That's a bit homophobic.

I know. No. Gays are allowed to watch them. Gays are allowed to watch soaps. Straight men are not allowed. We've got nothing left. We've lost Ellen Skelton's legs. Soaps.

I just find it weird if I went round and said, sorry, I've just Sky Plus'd EastEnders. Emmerdale. I think that's the key difference, isn't it? Whether you watch something just because it's on or whether you sky plus it like i'd be alarmed if someone sort of went i i i tivo homes under the hammer you'd immediately think that there's something wrong i'd immediately think what's tivo oh tivo is like sky plus darling oh is it yeah it was the american system which came over here okay i'm sorry i I'm sorry. I have certain loyalty to Sky Plus. That's all right.

But if someone went, I'm recording, I've got to get back, I'm recording the one show, you'd immediately think, OK, that's... I've recorded the one show. Well, I'm a big... When you've been on it. No, I've recorded it. I recorded it recently when Zola Bod was on it. Well, I recorded it when they did a special on Henry VIII. It's good.

Sue me. There you go. But that's... It's very snooty. However. Snooty Steve. Snooty, snooty, lord snooty. That's what I'm calling it. Snooty.

Oh, I'm loving your topical insults. I like the one show. I feel bad about what I said about those Doctor Who people. Quite right. No, I think maybe I should take that back. They're some lovely people and they're kind, I suspect, the Doctor Who fans. Do you know what I mean? They're not nasty people.

No, exactly. They're intelligent people. Yeah. Sorry, Doctor Who fans. Doctor Who. It's one of the most creative shows. Yeah, Doctor Who is at the centre of my universe. I mean, it's...

Oh, oh, oh, he's the loneliest man in the world. Take that back. No, I don't understand it really. I officially apologise, but there still is tinfoil. However, man watching Hollyoaks? No. I mean, that can't be true. If a man's watching Hollyoaks, that's for all the wrong reasons.

Anyone watching Hollyoaks should. Yeah. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The shows that are the biggest turn-off for me, any of those... I don't like you saying turn-off, Frank, because then you get a bit creepy.

But that strata of show, there's anything that lets sneer at poor people. Do you mean the shows you find too much of a muchness? Yes, yeah. As you all want to do. The shows that really get my goose see everyone else would have said goat but steve has to suggest some sort of bomb pinching also there's an element of the lord snooty about that as well one better haven't you i hate those

those let's sneer at poor people shows ironically we're given the persona that's just been given to me i hate those anything where it's like look at these savages and people who enjoy sneering at the way less fortunate people live i really hate those shows jeremy corbyn on absolute radio so people like benefit street which is which is just it's just sneering at yes at people less fortunate or but i feel i'm comfortable a lot of kids learn to read and write. I don't have sesame strength. Sorry, Anne. Can we do that again, Paul?

What about... Live? Frank! Are you kidding me? Frank, what about songs of praise? No, I agree with that. Oh, do you? Well, I agree with that as well.

Jeremy Kyle is the equivalent of the people on the prison cell door. I don't think I like middle-class people watching that being sneery. No. Sorry, I don't. I tell you, the other thing, songs of praise. Now, you follow the Nazarene. I do follow the Nazarene. Would you Sky Plus songs of praise?

No. I find it a bit Church of England. It's the idea of someone Sky Plus- of Praise? No. I find it a bit Church of England. It's the idea of someone Sky Plus-ing Songs of Praise. No, it's... You've got to TiVo it. There's a crack in All Things Bright and Beautiful on tonight. Oh, yeah, exactly. No, I wouldn't.

I mean, I have respect for anyone who does. Do you watch it, Songs of Praise, ever? Is it still on? Yeah, Ella Jones does it. No, I don't watch it. I say it's extremely Anglican. And some weeks it is from, like, Catholic churches, and even then they feel more Anglican than they normally do.

I think they send in, like, dresses to Anglican it up a bit. You know, the Union Jack in the corner. Would you say also... See, I don't like people that get their news from Channel 5. I've got to be honest. Oh. I think that's weird. Why watch Channel 5?

I mean, it's fine for certain things. I just wouldn't go to it as a reliable news source. I don't like people, I don't think I could go out with anyone who Skyplussed a programme featuring a comedian who wasn't me. Well, I noticed, when I came in this morning and said I'd been to see Louis C.K. last night, and it was phenomenal, and I noticed a foie d'oeuvre.

Well, it's all, you know, well, there's two things there. First of all, it is a bit Martin Bashir that are three people in this marriage, it was that. But also, I have a thing. I hear so many english people falling over themselves about american comedians that um it makes me feel a little bit nauseous would it help if i told you you are still and will always be the funniest person i know Inshallah Inshallah Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Lord Snooty.

Steve Hall. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. For people just tuning in at the top of the hour, we should explain the reason Frank's given Steve this extraordinary nickname Lord Snooty is because he said he thought

it was a bit tragic to record the one show. Hmm. And I sort of agreed with you, if I'm honest. I don't know why I'm going doing a Volt Fass. Don't do a Volt Fass. I think... I realise there are weirder shows... Didn't we get a silver medal in the Volt Fass?

There are weirder shows to record. If someone recorded Embarrassing Bodies, that would freak me out. I could imagine somebody doing that, no? I could imagine a pervert doing it. Oh, come on. i could imagine somebody doing that i can i can imagine a pervert doing it oh come on you can imagine a pervert all right you don't want to record with embarrassing bodies when so often you can just live with it exactly um now i have a now i want to go back to the olympics there's so much stuff i still want to discuss with you boys. Did you see Bradley Wiggins did the thing during the National Anthem? What did he do?

The camera went on him for that. You know that moment when they get a bit tearful and proud? It's normally over Rain Over Us, I find. Yeah, well, that's what brings the tears out, some liminal messaging. And they went to him and he stuck his tongue out in a sort of gazzer-like way. Yeah. And it was funny and it was a bit rebellious

and I liked it for that. He had a bit of a white coat and he sort of undercut the whole gesture. Well, you could see the Daily Mail headline writers just having a conniption fit in their office. What's that mean? Just going apoplectic. I'm trying to use more of the old-styly phrases.

Oh, OK. Conniption. Just the fact that they're going, how do we handle this? He's won a gold medal, but he's been disrespectful to the Queen. I thought he'd been disrespectful, but I thought he'd be a lot fitter,

or a lot well, more well than his tongue suggests. Look, let's be frank. Lazy headline writer doing an interview with you, as you once said. Frank told us earlier, which I loved, that when people did profiles or interviews with him, he said it was very common that the interview would be called, the headline would be... It's usually frankly speaking or being frank. Yeah. But I spoke to Lawrence Fox about this and asked him...

What does he get? How many times he gets fantastic Mr. Fox. Fox in the box. So, yes, anyway, I think with Wiggins, I agree with you. If you're going to do that gesture, you've really got to do grooming beforehand with the tongue. Shuley's a fit man and very hydrated i'm worried about him i just if i was reaching towards the screen with a wooden lollipop stick trying to press it down he's going to get so many scrapers for christmas everyone can benefit from the tongue i bet you he's already got like about

200 doctors tweeting him saying come and see me me, I won't charge you anything. We can sort all this out. Anyway, it was marvellous. Marvellous to watch. And then we had, there was also, what about the green pool? The green pool was brilliant, in a way. So it turned green, didn't it, for the diving? Well, there's two pools next to each other.

There's the swimming pool and the diving pool and the water polo they do the water yeah and and the and the one of them is beautifully blue like a swimming pool the other one is i mean like they've dived it's like that sort of what do they call it raw swimming or something free swimming when people go and swim in canals it's like that it looks like it looks like a lime jelly well oh imagine diving like a lime jelly. Wow. Oh, imagine diving into a lime jelly. I mean, did you hear the rumour it was the fake tan?

That's honestly what someone said. Oh, I really hope it was. It was because so many of them are using fake tan now. Isn't the stuff that stops you weeing in the pool, that if you ween a public pool, it changes the colour of your hair? That was urban myth when we were children. Is it? But it's basically snitches on you. Yeah, there's a dye,

I suppose, that it grasses you up. A bit like anti-burglar paint. You remember that stuff? I heard there was a pool in Glasgow that... See, that always happened with the urban myth. They'd make it in Glasgow, somewhere you'd never go. A mate of mine told me. Yeah, and they'd say then an alarm went off

and you were surrounded by red dye. I don't believe that. And then the pool will be red suddenly. No, red dye, though, was that socialist Welshman that worked there who handled security. They're trying so hard to pretend that it's not that bad. I've got my fez on! that bad i've got my fez on this is frank skinner before we continue can i just alert you to the fact that we've had a number of people

texting us to praise your shirt which we posted posted on social media, your T-shirt. Richard Chapman, cracking... Well, he actually says cracking Fez shirt combo. But Ben Carter, fantastic T-shirt. Andrew Moore, good shirt. I can't believe it. I could go on. I never get complimented on what I wear. We've even had inquiries.

Clarence, where can I get that T-shirt? Can they all tweet Bumble? Yeah. Who gave me such a stick. I actually bought this. I went to see the Cosmonaut exhibition. You should describe it Frank. It's a red t-shirt. Yes. It's very much a red t-shirt.

It symbolises the Soviet space programme. And it's got a space capsule. It's got a rocket. And it's got a space capsule. It's got a rocket, and then... And it's got a hammer and sickle on, I'll be straight with that. But, yeah, so I'm guessing they're still in the Science Museum shop,

but you can get them, I'm sure, online from the Science Museum. How did that feel, being asked where to buy your clothes? It was... I don't think it's ever happened to me before. I mean, a man in Holland and Barrett once asked me to turn the plastic bag inside out so that people didn't know I shopped there. So, no, it's lovely. You must get it all the time, Em, do you?

Yeah, I do. Where did you get that? Where did you get that hat? I get it often on Twitter. I get the same question, but just with a different tone of voice. Where did you get that, Snoopy? People are about to commend you for putting money into charity shops. This is a good thing to do.

Anyway, meanwhile, over in the diving pool. Oh, yes. What about Tom Daley and Dan Goodfellow? Did you watch that? It was brilliant. It was really... I love a synchronised dive. Oh! And I'll tell you something I didn't know.

I love watching men in trunks embracing. Oh, my God. There's a real sense of... Especially when they're called Goodfellow. It makes me feel very relaxed. It's just very... You know what I mean? Men are so touchy about stuff.

Yes. There's a bit when they're waiting for the scores, the two of them standing, one with, I think, Tom's got his arm round Dan. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. And again, the Daily Mail had to be kind of horrible about it, and it was sort of trying to imply that they were a bit, they were overdoing it a bit, or there was something a bit...

Oh, did they? ..a little bit effeminate, whereas it was like the Chinese athletes went for a manly pat on the back. It's still stigmatising that. Oh, thank goodness. It's particularly disgusting. We also bring... He's got his high horse.

..an alternative paper called the Tom Daily Mail. Yeah. That's more... Well, I was sitting at home waving my master pan. Oh, dear. You know the master pan? Yes, I do know it. I've got one of those. I waved them for Tom.

I mean, I took all the hot fat out of it. These divers, is it Chris Mears and is it Jack Laugher? Well, I think it's pronounced Laugh. Oh, can't we call it Laugh-er? Because that means you can get a job in this studio. Yeah, we could do with a couple. We need some staff, though. Last year, by the way.

You know, I felt that hit my arm. Oh, fine. We'll say no more about it. Yes. Jack Laugh-er. No, I won't call him Laugh, he's Laugh-er. Laugh-er. He, um, they took gold in the Green Pool.

Yeah. And they, they got together, they did a very golden green they had one of those quite nice voxel club cuddles which i liked but his girlfriend afterwards she was saying that people always think he's gay i think it's chris or is it jack she goes out with i always forget anyway. Anyway. They're so synchronised, I can't tell you. She said people often think that. Because they live together and they have a mortgage together, the two boys. Oh. Which I like. She said it's not true.

She said they're always together. I don't mind imposing for gay times. If that's what he has to do, fine. Okay. Now, when you say he has to do it, it's not really part of his job description. I mean, I love that he did it. Good on him. I don't know, that's... Oh, I like the sound of her.

I do. That reminds me of when I found an ankle bracelet in bed and said to a woman, oh, that cleaner, she's always leaving stuff for that. I'm not proud of that.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. You know we were talking about the Green Pool? The Green Pool, yeah. One, a spokesman for the Rio 16. Didn't the British cycling team have a spokesman? Oh, lovely.

Hey! A spokesman said they had failed to take into account that lots of people would be using the pool. Yeah, that was a lack of foresight. I mean, it's going to always be a busy time. As I say, I'm straight become dancing. They're making such weak excuses for the green pool. Because there's another...

Because now one of the German swimmers has now said that the whole building has started to smell of farts, apparently. Can we say that on here? I just don't like it. But apparently... Lord Smelly, more like. The Olympic organisers... Stop him. Is that on here? I just don't like it. But apparently... Lord Smelly more like. The Olympic organising... Stop him. Is that

too far? Alright, do your Tarzan impression again, Frank. I can't do my Tarzan impression. You know that. Okay. But apparently the Olympic organising committee, their excuse was they replied he who smelt it dealt it, which I think is a weak response.

People are having their breakfast. That's what you don't think about. You don't think about? I do. Now... Believe me, I do. The other thing... Well, we've discussed...

I think we've done enough on the green pool, probably, because it's making me feel a bit sick. But what I would like to talk about is, what about this commentator... Could it possibly be a mood pool? Oh! Do you remember those mood rings that used to change colour? That would be brilliant. So, blue to green. I wonder what that scene implies.

So, if I'm really happy, someone who's very, very tense jumps in. There's just been so much tension in that pool. Oh, yeah. The muscle tension for a start. Just general anxiety. Is that the damn thing green. Set the damn thing... Get some of them to jump in after they've won. They all come back again.

That's the old pea soup. Pea soup with a few muscles in there. I love the idea of a mood pool, though. I'd love it if it went pink suddenly. Anyway. Yeah. But there are many others... Paul's gone rainbow!

How did that happen? There's lots of joyful things happening in this Olympics. Well, except the commentator who got the wrong... confused his Phelps with his Ryan... can never pronounce the surname correctly. Poor Canadian man. And we commentated on an entire race calling the wrong person. It's Ryan... how do you say that man's name?

Lochte. Lochte. Lochte. He, yeah, he kept saying... I mean, it's not... I was going to say it's an easy mistake to make, but you've got... Elizabeth, you had one job. It is, yeah. They do swim in numbered lanes. And I read about it before I heard it,

and when you read about it, you think, oh, it can't be that bad, and then you hear the commentary and it's awful. It's really bad. Well you don't want to be mistaken for the greatest swimmer of all time. She's saying wow he's absolutely swimming out of his skin today. What a day he's having. This is amazing. I mean he's actually

he's actually a cyclist. He shouldn't even be there. It was when he said well he's saving the best for last. He wasn't. He was last. But you know. He wasn't last, but you know. We all make mistakes, Gordon. I don't know what that

meant. What did that mean? Why Gordon? Was it a reference to Flash Gordon? It's not nothing. Commissioner Gordon? It was just a mistake. I got your name wrong. That was it. You called me Gordon? Yeah. Ricky? Yeah. It's weird, I mistake. I got your name wrong. That was it. You called me Gordon? Yeah. Ricky? Yeah. It's weird, I know. I've been a damn fool of myself.

Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went on a speed awareness course recently, which I've yet to tell you all about. The I that you said then reminded me of a song. What song's it called? I?

Er... I, who have nothing... I'm afraid that's not true in my case. No, indeed not. Now... What did you go on? I went on a speed awareness course. Was this a government, a state-mandated speed awareness course?

Yes. Has anyone ever been on one voluntarily? You know what, I'd like to be more aware of my speed. I think I'm going to pay, I think it's £93. Oh. Something like that. Do you have to pay? Of course I do, yeah.

And I won't lie, you take it, I think we're allowed to say this, if you would like that as an alternative to having points on your licence. Which, as a motoring correspondent, it's very important for me to have a clean licence. Indeed, yeah. Some of the, you know, the vehicles I'm driving right now. Well, I write a column, as you know, about dogs for Peter Purvis's We Love Dogs magazine,

and I have to have a clean dog licence. Do you still need a dog licence? I think you should. Oh, yeah, seven and six. OK. Well, I was caught doing, unlike some, I'll confess to my crimes, 36 miles an hour in a 30-mile-an-hour zone. I'm not proud. Yeah.

It was... There were two lanes of traffic. It wasn't quite a dual carriageway But it wasn't Well that is I suppose a dual carriageway Anyway We all met for Camden You're in a hotel conference room Oh okay

You're there for five hours I bet I know the hotel Is it by the Is it that sort of Holiday Innish one It's exactly that Holiday Innish one I went to a comedy gig there Well this turned out to be a comedy gig

In more ways than one because it's run by two characters from the aa and this guy let's call him tony because that was his name let's call them alan and arthur yeah okay i knew from the start what sort of person tony was going to be because when i had to sign vegas it could It could be Tony Arthur who used to work on that. Tony Arthur. OK, let's say Alan. We'll call him Alan. OK. I knew what sort of person Alan was going to be

because he handed me the sign, the form, I'm sorry, to sign, and he said, OK, sign your life away. And then he asked if he could have my autograph. So I thought, in that sort of humorous way... In that comedy way, yeah. Put your moniker on that. Yes, it was a bit. Okay, he had a lanyard, coach driver's sleeves on the shirt.

Yeah, okay. Okay, I'm getting the measure. And I think Alan was a bit of a frustrated stand-up comedian. Okay. He had a lot of material. He said, class of 2016, okay, what is the maximum speed you can do on a single carriageway

what is the legal speed limit I'm asking you on a single carriageway and then someone answered and he called us class of 2016 again that was his thing he called someone a clever clogs he went some clever clogs has got it right

brilliant then he said what must you always remember what must you always remember to do when you're out on the roads as a motorist be alert that's it be alert remember your country needs alerts oh wow i think i it went silent and i think it was audible i went oh it was reaction. I couldn't help it. Of course, there'll be men at home isolating that sound and keeping it for their ringtone. He then said, and you might be able to answer this, because I didn't know this, and Alan told me, what is the comment you'd most expect to hear from a driver emerging from a vehicle when he's had an encounter with a cyclist?

What comment would you most expect to hear? Can I tell you? It's Smidzy. Sorry, mate, I didn't see you. Ah, Smidzy. Smidzy. Yeah, Smidzy. Smidzy, of course.

He told us, where there's a van, there's a man. Not necessarily. What if it's parked? No men are left in this van overnight. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank van overnight. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sorry to bring you back down to earth with a bump, but we're now going back into the speed awareness course

over in a very corporate hotel in the Camden area, where I'm with the fellow felons I suppose for the day. I imagine it's a very tough crowd as well because they don't want to be there. There was a lot of cab drivers there. Not black cab drivers I should say. Respect. Okay.

Yeah. I'm sorry Alan. We get a lot of celebrities here actually doing this course so if you see them try not to draw attention to them and keep your head down. I was so insulted he didn't recognise me. I mean, can you imagine? I kept hinting, I said yes on my radio show. When he said put your autograph on there,

was there a second when you thought he'd recognised you? I was really gussied. I was treated like a normal person. Did the cab drivers sit with their backs to the stage? You all had to go round, like sort of AA, being honest about the speed you were caught doing. It was the AA, wasn't it? No, I mean the other type of AA.

And you had to say... People put their hands up, and there was one woman, and she said, 71. I thought, she doesn't look bad, really. She said, 71. Everyone went, oh! I did it the loudest. I thought, she doesn't look bad, really. She said, 71. Everyone went, oh! I did it the loudest. I went, oh!

And then she said, well, it was a 70 mile an hour zone. So that's not that bad. She was only one. Yeah. Did she let that pause, though? She lied. That was a 20 mile an hour zone. Tower Bridge.

Did anyone go like, I win? No. But what they did do, at one point Tony was saying, I'm sorry, Alan, I'm never going to get with this Alan thing. No, I'm calling Tony. He was asking us how we might identify that this was a pedestrian area where there might be a potentially dangerous area for pedestrians. What signs would you look for in the street

that might tell you this was a potentially dangerous area for pedestrians? What signs? Any signs on the street? Um, blind drivers. Do you know what one lady said? I think he was expecting speed bumps, that kind of thing. Do you know what one lady said? She went, uh, flowers on a lamppost. God. Whoa! Alan said, that's quite extreme. That's quite extreme sign, that one. That's good thinking on her part.

And she wouldn't have it. She said, well, there's been bear deaths around here in Camden. Wow. I know. It was hardcore. No, but these are people who are at the cotting edge of motor room. But I actually quite enjoyed it in the end. Did you learn anything about it? Are you more aware of speech?

Oh, I know so much more. I do. Okay. Don't test me on it, but I felt it was good for me to bond with people like that, in a sort of Marie Antoinette way. And I also felt, you know, it has changed my driving, honestly.

I'm more cautious now. You drive slow. Well, put it this way, I slow down when I drop people off now. Do you? Sometimes even stop. Terrific. Oh, okay. Well, put it this way, I slow down when I drop people off now. Do you? Sometimes even stop. Terrific. OK. Well done for doing that.

Thank you very much. And if anyone else is about to do a speed away, and of course, you see, it's not that bad. It's a bit of fun. LAUGHTER Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. As we enter the last couple of minutes of today's show...

What have we got? We've had an email from... Get the fez out. We've had an email from Johnny in Auckland, who says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Here's a question for you. I gather that you all still go for breakfast together

after the show every week. I was just wondering what you all talk about over breakfast, considering that you've just spent three hours catching up with each other during the show. Is it a quiet meal punctuated by the occasional scraping of cutlery on plates and Alan asking the waitress for HP sauce? I don't like this.

It's got a bit Davros. I realise it needed clearing halfway through. It was... I was hoping it would go away. It's got to be a washing machine. What the hell is this going on? Or do you all... I'll try it.

We won't get your tempest! I think I'm back to normal again now. Or do you all suffer from esprit d'escalier? Well, I'm sorry, that exciting... I missed your chance to mention something on the show. That exciting moment when someone reads out your email and then ruins it with their horrible phlegm voice. That was awful for Lord Snooty.

Phlegmy from Motorhead today. I'm thinking we should do this again next week, because I think it was spilt. Have I ruined it for Johnny in Auckland? That's so extreme. Why don't we do Johnny in Auckland again next week in a proper voice? I will train.

I feel like I've blown my chance at the Olympics. Well, I'll tell you what we could do is, and this would be the ultimate honour for Johnny in Auckland, we could discuss this over brunch. Yeah, we could do. Yes. But let's make him a cliffhanger. He probably is if he lives in...

There's nothing else to do out there. I can exclusively reveal that's true. Yes. Because you live there. I can exclusively reveal that's true. Yes. Because you live there. I live there and we did nothing. Yes. What about something that happened to me this week? I was in church and, you know, they do a homily, you know, the sermon thing.

And the priest was talking about how money was the root of all evil, etc. And he said, I was reading a thing in the Daily Telegraph, I'd like to quote something that Frank Skinner said. And I thought, oh, my God, I'm being quoted in the... That's amazing. And people went up slightly tense. And in an interview, they said, does money make you happy? And I said, no, putting, does money make you happy?

And I said, no, putting other people first makes you happy. Oh. Wow. Well, I love that. And, yeah, I was braced for three or four high fives. At least. Nothing. But people were looking around.

I mean, I felt I had to be especially, when the plate came round, I thought, I'm going to have to go a bit heavy duty on it today. But it's quite a moment. That's lovely, yeah. I'm really touched by that. I like that. We've just had a text from 996 who said, Frank, I've just asked Google how old you are, which it correctly told me, but next to a picture of Buzz Aldrin. Oh, they're confusing it.

I hate that, Google. Frank. You know when you Google... You see, if you Google image. Yourself. Well let's say Kylie Minogue. Four pictures down you'll get Robert Mugabe. And then you get Schnorby's or something. And then a picture of a test tube.

What's the point of Google images if they can't keep it together? Thanks very much for listening and if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8.

Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.