The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - New Lads

Episode Date: July 11, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank talks Classic Quadrophenia and seagulls. The team discuss fist punches, sports commentary and there's a birthday in the studio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. People are laughing because my headphones are broken. They're wobbling on one side. Oh, it looks horrible. I look like... If you imagine a Spaniel's just come out of a nasty

road accident. That's what I look like. A Birmingham Spaniel. Oh, no. Oh, it's a shame. It really is a shame. Anyway, welcome to the show. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 81215, especially if you've got any gaffer tape. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Why is gaffer tape called gaffer tape? I can't take you seriously because those headphones are shaking around. I don't know, I think Frank has started up today's texting already.

Why is gaffer tape called gaffer tape? Yeah. Is it because, you know when you see... Oh, the gaffers use it. You know when you see film credits and it says, like, gaffer? Mm-hm. Yes. It's because that's who's supposed to use it. That's exactly what he does. So what about docked tape? Is it docked, or duct or is it doc as in quack quack? Well, I think it was originally duct as in D-U-C-T

as in like an air vent duct type thing. But I think there's also a brand now called duct tape. Was it used on air ducts to stop people escaping in films from cells they've been put in? Sorry, have I wandered into your shed by mistake? No, but you know, whenever anyone's imprisoned in a film or television series, they always get out through the air, Doc.

Yes, they do. So they must have thought, we need some... Villains got together, supervillains, and said, we need some sort of tape to stop this happening. It's ridiculous. OK, they had to invent... Very good...something. Very good. I say they had to invent Very good Something

Very good I said they had to invent Yes, no, I heard it the first time I thought you hadn't heard No I couldn't work out why you weren't laughing No, 100% heard you Okay

So, I've had a sociable week Not wearing those headphones, you haven't You know I'm going to get cauliflower hair from being slapped What is the It's like having Bill Beaumont in the studio. What's the term for that individual thing that covers your ear? Oh, I don't know. If anyone knows, tell us.

Is it a can? Oh, okay. Or a ear headphone cover? Singular? That's what I would call it. We're back in the shed. Do you remember that? They used to say that if you wanted to learn how to speak in a West Indian accent, you had to say beer can for bacon.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's all right. That's all right. What's wrong with that? I know, but I just panic with you. Oh, no, for goodness sake. I went...

They're sticking in me now. They're actually sticking in my ear. Do you want to wear mine instead? Ow. Come and feel this, Al. It's sharp. They're actually sticking in my ear. Do you want to wear mine instead? Ow! Come and feel this, Al. It's sharp. That's how selfless I am. Why have you got Al to feel it, not me,

because you're in your shed again? No, you're too far away. Al's coming round the other side of the desk. Just put your finger under there. That's pressing into my forehead. OK. Feel that, Al. There. Frank, nevertheless, we have a show to do.

Just feel that. This is terrible, mate. Imagine that in your temple. It's like being one of them monkeys in the laboratories. Oh, wow. Anyway. Okay, thank you very much. I think Charlie has fixed it.

Maybe, we'll see. Anyway, I'm sorry about this. It's not the most professional opening. Most professional? It's the worst eight minutes we've ever done. Mike Reid's just gone through into the kitchen. What would he think if he could hear this? A man from the golden age of radio.

Anyway, I went to the Albert Hall this week. Did you? Yes. It's nice there, isn't it? The one in London? That's it, the one in London. Oh, there is another one, isn't there? There's one in Bolton. Yeah, I think I've played there, actually. Of course you have.

I didn't go there. I went to see Classic Quadrophenia. Oh. I don't think... I mean, many of our readers will be familiar with the Quadrophenia album. It's a story of what my mate used to call the Modrics. Modrics. The mods.

Did you turn up on a scooter? I didn't turn up on a scooter? I didn't turn up on a scooter I didn't see a scooter There was lots of ex-mods Some big men Were they well-airian? Pardon? Well-airian

I thought you were saying well-airian It was a different kind of meeting No, I thought, was there a well-airian? Meaning was the one who was very hairy No, I thought, was there a well-airian? Meaning, was the one who was very hairy? And no, big men. Big men you could imagine smashing someone's face in at a popular seaside resort. All right. And there was a bit where Pete Townsend comes out.

Again, if you don't know the main man from The Who, who was sort of at the centre of the mods, obviously. He was the face, man. And he walked out, and the adulation in the room was unbelievable. He got like an instant stand innovation. And it was brilliant. It was love, proper. It was like, you... It was like...

You could say they were saying thank you for writing the soundtrack to my youth. And I thought, if there was a... Will there ever be a New Lads gathering where I can walk out to that kind of... Say me and Gail Porter can walk out, you know, with loaded magazines under our arms. Do you think that'll ever happen?

No. Sorry. Not just no. I want to emphasise strongly enough how much it won't happen. Why is it the New Lads is the only popular culture phenomenon that people have no time for? What would they play the music? One of the Chris Evans songs.

It'd be Oasis. It'd be the Blur Oasis Battle. That's your soundtrack. But that's what it would be. I was at a history festival last week where people were recreating the Nazis and people thought that was all right. But the new lads, definitely not.

Can't have it, honestly. That's a murder. There's a murder tour of London. That's all right. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute tour of London That's alright Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Yes

In the nuclear industry gaffer tape used to be called reactor tape but we had to drop the name as it was giving the wrong impression That's from Duncan In the nuclear industry Yeah That'll be clever Steve has texted us Long Impressions. That's from Duncan. Oh, in the nuclear industry. That'll be clever.

Steve has texted us, did you enjoy Quadrophenia on Sunday? Last celeb, and he's got that in little quotation marks. Thanks for that. I saw the show, it was McCartney. He was in the stalls, though. That's pretty good. I wonder what show that was. I wasn't in the stalls, I was in a box.

That's better, isn't it? Especially those Royal Albert Hall ones. Yeah, lovely. Very posh. Yeah, we had sausages. What? How come? We didn't have sausages.

I don't know why I said that. Why did you lie? It was so gullible. It's terrible. I was trying to show off. We had sausages at the Albert Hall. I was thinking it was like those sort of catering things where they walk around

with miniatures and they're like little fish and chips and little sausages with mustard on. Al, that's his idea of having made it, having sausages.

It's a good line. Can you imagine it? The smell wafting through me. Can I? That'd get me to go to more live events, I think.

With sausages being walked around with. Out of my brain on the... Anyone? You got another one, Steve? Careful of that grill. Red or brown.

Red or brown? Yeah, red or brown. I think it meant the sausages. I don't think you really get sausages at those catered events, Frank. I've never received them. I've had a honey glazed. Oh, nice. It's not a catered events, Frank. I've never received them. I've had a honey glazed. You've not had a catered event? Yeah.

Really? That's an hors d'oeuvre thing you get. Okay. Not in a box, darling, at the Royal Albert Hall. But you don't get the... Not with Alfie Bowe. Alfie Bowe did the lead vocal. Oh, did he?

He's good. What a voice he's got. You can sing. Alfred Stuart Bowe, he's called. What a voice he's got. You can sing. Alfred Stuart Bow, he's called. As a bow. I made that up as well. I just added the Stuart. Oh, have you?

It's happened to me. I never lie. Have you honestly been making this up? I think your new lads reunion is getting somewhat out of control on Twitter. Really? Yes, there's people from Loaded talking to each other, Gail Porter's been attid. Oh, what this is.

But, you know, there was lots of... I know people think it was all just all about, you know, women in their underwear, but there's a lot more to it than that. People going, yay! Suddenly men were talking about films and books and fashion in very intelligent... When you say fashion, Wonder Bras. Great writing.

Anyway. It's about time. We're overdue. I saw a series of black and white photographs in the Sunday Times magazine of skinheads. These arty photos of skinheads. Quite violent skinheads. There wasn't photos of skinheads. They were quite violent

skinheads. There wasn't really a violent thing with the new lads. No. It was just, Have you read Fever Pitch? That's what it was. Anyway, I'm not here to defend social

things. It was good. What can I say? It worked. You know, it was quadrophenic, but with an orchestra. So Alfie Bowe, he took the main vocal. Billy Idol. Uh-huh.

Phil Daniels. Is this true, though? This is true now. Billy Idol was there. He was singing. He was the face. Oh, of course. He still looks good. Oh, of course. Still looks good.

The Idol. Yeah, so it was... There was a lot of the older... The old mods there. They weren't actually facing the stage. They sat facing away from the stage with loads of wing mirrors on the backs of their seats. Very good.

I mean, I just... The idea is like, you know, with the scooters. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I tell you what. That's what Andy Gray always used to say on Sky Sports.

I tell you what. It's not all he used to say, but anyway. Hey, come on! So, not on today, not New Lad's Day on Absolute Radio. Is this now New Lad's Day? No, that wasn't New Lad, that was old laddish. Anyway. Anyway.

I arrived early at the Albert Hall for Quadrophenia. You were so going to say Albion, you had to stop yourself. Yeah, I had a good bit of, a good bit of parking. Oh, did you? I'm happy with that. I'd say I was within five minutes to walk away. Good. Did you have to pay?

No. Really? Sunday, you see, that's the joy of a gig on a Sunday. Oh, single yellers who cares no parallel parking, no reverse and you just drove straight in well there was a bit but I'd say most people could have comfortably got a bendy

boss into the space, only took me about four and a half minutes a lot of Range Rovers around that area so speaking of Range Rovers can I recommend by by the way, that if you haven't seen it, you go onto iPlayer and watch the Ginger Baker documentary.

Anyone listening? One of the great music documentaries of all time. Anyway, there's a famous picture of Alan Ginsberg, the American poet, sitting on the Albert Memorial, which is obviously opposite the Albert Hall. And he's sitting next to William Shakespeare on the Albert Memorial, which is obviously opposite the Albert Hall.

And he's sitting next to William Shakespeare, who's part of the engravings on there. And I thought, well, I'm here a bit early. I've got a phone. I'll go and recreate. I'll sit where Gint's... I've always liked doing that, photos. I stood in Rocky's footsteps, you know,

at the top of the steps in Philadelphia. They've got two brass things of his trainers. You know the bit where he runs up the stairs and punches the air? Yeah, with the kids following him. Yeah. So I have my picture took in that. Oh, I'd like to recreate her. So what they've done is, you can't do it now.

You can't sit where he's sat. They've put a fence around him but the fence now I've got to go up this front there'll be someone who knows a lot about the Albert Memorial listening to this the fence that they've put around to keep people off it's quite a gold

they've made it look like it was part of the original which I think's a bit sly I want sort of checkered police tape. Well, not checkered. That's for the two-town gathering. Sorry. Not if it's permanent, the cordoned-off area. Why cordon it?

The James Corden. Why cordon it off? Why James Corden it off? Because they don't want characters like you leaping across in your parka. I mean, please. It's a national monument. Are you absolutely certain that the fence is a recent thing?

I mean, I haven't seen the photograph of Ginsburg that you're talking about. Could it be that he had incredibly steely buttocks and that he was sitting perched atop the fence? Well, I don't think... I don't think he could have took the photo if the fence had been there. I looked at the Albert Memorial and I thought, did it used to be there?

You know when you stare at the Albert Memorial trying to work out new additions? You know we're on commercial radio, don't you? It's still very weird, you know, when you're staring at monuments. It's fine. What's happened to the new lads? Yeah. You know, did I tell you about when I had a massive argument with Kath and we had such a big argument on the Strand

we had to move into a side street because it was... People were gathering, we were getting a crowd. And we went into a side street at the back of the Savoy Hotel. I know that street. Yeah. And we started arguing, and I suddenly realised it was where Bob Dylan had filmed

the Subterranean Homesick Blues video, which Allen Ginsberg was in. And it was very, the mixture of saying, oh, well, what are you just saying that, whilst thinking, oh, this is exciting. It's very strange. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

I also, this week, I went to see public service broadcasting. Oh, excellent. Right. Virtually friends of the show. You've played them a few times, haven't you? Oh, God. Right. Virtually friends of the show. You've played them a few times, haven't you? Oh, God, yes. So, yeah, they were live. Mm-hm.

Live at the British Film Institute, South Bank. Oh, really? Yes. Do you want to describe their sound for those who aren't familiar with them? Well, what they do is they take public service Um, they, what they do is they take public service, um, broadcasting films from, often from the, uh, 50s and 60s. And then they play fantastic music over there.

Is it electronica sort of thing? I heard them once described as Patho meets the Pet Shop Boys. How do you feel about that? I don't think they're very Pet Shop Boys. Okay. I think that was an error. Okay. Um, not that I've got anything against the Pet Shop't think they're very pet shop boys. OK. I think that was an error. OK. Not that I've got anything against the pet shop, but they're just not like that.

I'm just trying to find a ramp in for people. OK, no, that's a good thing. OK. Try them out. OK, I will. Anyway, first of all, I went to the National Gallery to see an exhibition called Soundscapes. I love the fact you do really normal things. Thanks.

What, eating sausages in a box at the Royal Albert Hall? It's the National Gallery. You know, we got an email saying it's great that you visit castles and go and do things. That was what I was referring to. Oh, OK. You go into a gallery, you do normal stuff for you, don't you? Anyway, what it is, it's pieces of art

and people have commissioned pieces of music to accompany them. So it's like soundtracks for the art. And one of them was by Jamie XX. Do you know him? Do you know the XX? You know that band? Yeah. Well, Jamie XX is in there. Is it? Yeah, it's a family band.

Is it? The XX is? Yeah, it's like the Osmonds. Uh-huh. Yeah. And it was a nice bit of music, and I thought, well, there he is. I'll go and say hello, because I thought, you know, Jamie XX, he's probably going to be a friendly, but I'm associating it with kisses at the bottom of a text, you know?

Yeah. Maybe the excitement of filling in a Paul's coupon. You didn't meet him and he was cross, did you? He wasn't cross. Oh, very good. He double-crossed me. Tim Vine sends his best to you both. No, he was a bit more, I'd say his XX was a bit more school essay.

Oh, was it? So I went over and said, I really like your music and it's really good. And he said, oh, thanks. Yeah, and I thought, oh. He didn't. It was a bit one of those moments i mean he may be supremely shy i felt that he could feel as he shook my hand sometimes if i meet um very cool people they're all right if there's nobody about but if there's people about the thing oh i don't do i want to be seen talking to him right Right, yeah. Why, do you think your scene is inherently uncool?

Yes. So, um... You know who's at the vanguard of new labs? Exactly. Well, they would have been queuing up in the 90s. Yeah, I know, but those days are gone. They will be again at the reunion. Botlins, mineheads, 2016, I've got it penciled in for.

Yeah. The new lab reunion. Well, anyway, I felt that he could feel the coolness draining out of him as I held his hand. Like a zapper. So I moved on. You know, we all... Danny Baker once was talking about coolness,

and he said coolness meant... He said, I don't care. I don't have the slightest interest in coolness. And my challenge to him was this. I said, OK, then, let's say you were going to a film premiere, there's going to be lots of paparazzi and fans outside. On the way down, your car broke down, and you had no chance of getting there,

because you were in a deserted road. And then who comes and offers you a lift? But let me be open on a segue. Do you arrive at the premiere like that? And he said yes. In other words, he lied. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Matt Mays.

Matt Mays Matt Mays he's no but thanks for the tip he's texted us to say Jamie XX was interviewed by Giles Peterson

on Six Music a few weeks ago came across very shy and awkward so it's not just Frank so he's possibly just shy Frank maybe he's just shy

I mean I can accept shy rather than him thinking I'm so cool and Frank is zapping my coolness out of me Frank Zapper Frank Zappa? Frank Zappa. Frank Cool Zappa. I haven't told you about the gig. It was brilliant.

Public service broadcasting I very much recommend. Any sausages? There were no sausages. No sausages for me, no sausages as the Sex Pistols once said. No sausages for me, no sausages, as the Sex Pistols once said. They do a lot of stuff where they show footage, old NASA footage and stuff like that. And also my favourites of all, the cosmonauts, the old Russian space race.

Oh, God, I love a cosmonaut. You do, don't you? Oh, I'll say. You stayed up to watch the moon landings with Shep, wasn't it? No, it was Cal, my whippet. Oh, I'm sorry. That was before Shep's time. Sorry.

I slept through it and he stayed awake. Wasted on him, of course. But, yeah, so my son, as some of you may know, his name's after Boz Aldrin. I couldn't really name him after a cosmonaut. No. I mean, Yuri Gagarin would be the obvious one, but my actual... Frank Skinner is my stage name.

My actual real family name is Nation. Mm-hm. Yuri Nation. Yeah, wouldn't have worked. Good, good work. So I decided against that. But I met Jay Wilgoose, Esquire, as the main man behind Public Service Broadcast. He's very friendly.

Extraordinary names. Lots of them. Is that his real name then? Very friendly. Uri Wildergoose. No, Jay Wilgoose, Esquire, Uri Wildergoose. All you've done is an amalgamation of everything we've said in the last 30 seconds.

Do a round-up. Round up for anybody that's joining late. No, he's a very nice chap indeed. And apparently there's going to be a Cosmonaut exhibition at the Science Museum in London. And he knew about that, did he? He didn't.

I don't know if he knew, but I found out about it. I'm very excited about it. That'll be another outing for you. You're full of them. We could all go couldn't we after a show. I don't know if I've ever been to the Science Museum. Once I hear the word science I reach for my revolver. But I mean

it's trendy now because of the Brian Cox and everything isn't it? I know. Not in our house but the Cosmonauts is different and I mean there's equipment at Absolute. Surely should be in the Science Museum. Most of the studio. There's some very old-fashioned equipment in the studio,

and occasionally I get Emily to take a photo of my hand just coming in, like in Thunderbirds, when you get the false hand reaching into the 60s dashboards, or whatever they call them, in Thunderbirds. Oh, God, we make our own entertainment. If only we shared it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got a couple of emails, if you're interested.

I'm always interested in hearing from the people. One of them's entitled Fences! I never thought I would be interested enough to research into a fence around a monument, but procrastination is an amazing force. I feel that. Apparently the fence was erected

around the monument after the completion of major restorative work in the 1990s. 1990s? 1990s? New lads. Yeah, I suppose they probably weed all over it. And then talked about Michael Caine and went home. No, I will have that picture. After getting Joe Depp to do a photo shoot.

That picture of Ginsberg there is 60s, I would say. So, yes, I was right. I didn't imagine. Yeah. 8, 12, 15 is the text number for any fences that you've noticed going up around monuments since the 90s. Any fences?

Let's have any interesting fence-based text. Yeah, all right. Don't say anything or they might take offence. Very good. Another one entitled headphones. You were having some problems with your cans, as we say in the trade. Oh, yeah, my cans. A few years ago, our son's Xbox headphones broke

and he fixed them by wrapping two giant elastic bands around his head. It looked really painful, but he said it was fine while playing Figs. Is that a game? I don't know. Presumably. Although we knew whenever he played Xbox as he came into the living room with two red rubber band scars across his forehead. Oh, that's terrible, isn't it? It's like in that I've got quite a big head,

and if I wear a hat... Yeah, you do get really bad hat heads. Yeah, I mean, I don't really think British people should wear baseball caps. Why not? I know they're popular. Well, remember when I went, I was at the airport trying to buy one and I was told they're not baseball caps. I always assumed.

What are they called? Snapbacks. Snapbacks. But don't you think it's just, it's a way of saying I take drugs if you wear a baseball cap? No. Really?

Anyway. I think it could be a way of saying the sun gets in my eyes. You make a series of extraordinary assumptions. Well, I'd say I'd be right, I'd say 97 times out of 100 on that one. Nevertheless, I get that red line around the head that looks, it's a bit,

it's a bit like I've had a big operation. It's not a good line. A bit Frankenstein. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This, however, is Frank Skinner with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15. Many of you have. I'm hoping many of you still will.

Some lovely messages. Still will is the new Tarantino movie. Oh, good. It's about impotence. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Very good.

It's Emily Dean's birthday today. So we do that thing they do on the radio and they go, yay! And I come, Steve Wright. Steve Wright in the afternoon. Do you know, I'd... Got a slightly off mic. Woo! Woo!

But when I've done Steve Wright in the afternoon... All right know, I'd like a slightly off mic. Woo! Woo! But when I've done Steve right in the afternoon... All right, you've met them all. No, no, but when they say, oh, we've got Frank Skinner, but I join in as well.

Because there isn't really that many people in the studio, so I think what I need to... When they sung Happy Birthday to Me in style, can I just say, my ladies really looked after me.

Should I... I must tell you, Emily Dean, in case you don't know is the deputy editor in style fashion I got some lovely gifts

this morning but anyway they sung happy birthday to me and I joined in and I said happy birthday dear Emily really affectionately that's lovely everyone thought it was rather strange no that's true no one ever joins in. I do. Emily Dean does. Of course I do.

My moment. Did you do the straight melody line or did you do a little harmony tickling the white line? What is it? Robbie Williams' Nightclub Vibrato, Frank. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. You could have just given them that, the bass. Anyway, thank you.

We have cake. Yes, we do have cake. I bet they didn't have cake at InStyle magazine. Do you think not? The cake is the devil. No, I was going to add one smint. You all gathered around a smint with a candle in it. With candles on it.

I've sort of forgotten smints. You've forgotten smints? Come round my office at lunchtime sometime. It's a happy word to say, isn't it? Smint. I like it. Oh, OK. Yeah. Smint.

It's good. Are we parking that now? Are we done? Yeah. Let's not bring up parking again. All right, here's a thing that I thought I'd never say on this show. We haven't talked about the budget yet. Have we? You know the budget about, you know, the budget. You know, this week's budget. Yes, I know. There was a budget.

When George Osborne announced there was going to be a change to the national living wage, actually, he announced the national living wage. It's a change to the minimum wage, in all but name. And Ian Duncan Smith punched the air. Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt, but George Osborne, can you just bookmark that?

Because what's happened to his hair? Befe DiMarco, let's return to that. He's gone for the Roman crop thing, hasn't he? He's gone Befe DiMarco. He actually has done that. He's done... Because he used to just comb it back, didn't he? He's gone full Caesar.

He's still... Yes, he has gone Julius Caesar. When you fill in the corners. Yeah. The whole thing's been brushed forward. It's like he's just put a jumper on. Yes, he does look like he's just put a jumper on. You know that when a horse falls forward?

Like a really tight neck jumper. There's always the suspicion that it might spring back, if you're looking at it. It's a bit George Michael 2008. It's a bit when Cliff Richard, I think he thought, maybe he was losing, when he used to come at Quiff, and then he went for a beetle cock. Can I just say this news just in?

Gail Porter started following us. The lads reunion. New lads is on. I like Gail Porter as well. I do as well. Yeah. Filthy creep. No, I just think it was one of the moments, wasn't it,

of the whole new lad thing, was when Gail Porter was projected on the Houses of Parliament. Bare-bottomed. Yes. But I don't... Yeah, she is very lovely. Anyway, what was I going to say? Oh, George Osborne and the terrible hair.

No, I tell you what, the way he's combed the corners in, it looks like, you know when a wind... Sorry, do you like that our discussion of the budget is about his hair, dude? No, but it's interesting. His hair, dude. We're going to get into the heavy fiscal stuff in a moment, I'm sure. Exactly. I'm absolutely certain.

It looks like, you know when you get a dirty windscreen and the wipers have cleaned and there's still those bits in the corners? It looks like there's fingers coming out of his hair, desperately holding on to his head, lest it should fall off. That's what it is. It's somebody slipping off a space hopper. to his head lest it should fall off. That's what it is. It's somebody slipping off a space hopper. Anyway, that's financial news.

That's their politics now. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You know, Emily Dean has a flair for melodrama and normally there's a radio convention where you discuss, like, towards the end of the song you would say, 15 seconds, and then we'll be back on her.

Yeah. Today, you overran it a little bit and you went, eight seconds, and she went, oh, my goodness! As if this is... Well, I'm just rehearsing my Lady Bracknell forthcoming appearance. Oh, hell no! OK.

Anyway, George Osborne announced the National Living Wage, and real name Gideon, of course, let's not overlook that. Who, George Osborne? Yeah. I'm calling him Beppe DiMarco he's Michael Greco Ian Duncan Smith old IDS fist pump he punched the air

he did a sort of get in well he said fantastic no then he said get in afterwards I've watched it so many times did he it's a moment that I think can be described as eggy, you know, just a bit like… He can be described as eggy. He really can.

Also, it's worrying that he was so surprised. What is he, working pensions? Yeah. He looks shocked. Yeah, how does it work? Does he say stuff to George Osborne like, oh, we could do this? Yeah, he wants to. Or we could do this.

Does no one tell him? Yeah, like he walks off and then George is like, oh, big day for you tomorrow. Wait till you hear that. Fantastic! So he doesn't know. That's amazing. Fantastic didn't go with the fist punch, though, did it? The word fantastic, because that's a bit middle-class dad getting a parking space for the Volvo.

Fantastic! I'm starting to think that the punch was a bit that as well, though. Yeah, yeah. It's been that. It's no longer something I associate with sportsmen. I'm starting to think that the punch was a bit that as well. Yeah, yeah. It's no longer something I associate with sportsmen. It is a bit. I'm afraid it's the people who say yay. Yay?

And I'm very anti-yay. I used to like hooray. So you don't say yay and I say oh. I don't say yay. Yay is the new what's up. Is it? As far as I'm concerned. Yay! I'm trying to bring that back. I've been trying to I don't say yay. Yay is the new what's up. Is it? As far as I'm concerned. Yay! I'm trying to bring that back.

I've been trying to bring what's up back. Four years now. I thought you'd given up. You haven't said it for ages. He says it all the time. I'm going to try and bring back lip-smacking thirst-quenching. Are you going to bring back the challenge in supermarkets? What shall we bring back?

Crazy frog. Blah, blah, blah. Oh, man. I think Absolut will be ready for that. Yeah, why not? I think it's a bit of a crazy frog station if you know what I mean. That IDS, he's received some Caroline Flack for this, hasn't he?

Yes. People have said he had to actually apologise. Well, he sort of did a joking apology. Did you see him? He said the next time he was in the House of Commons, he said, I am sorry, Mr Speaker, I must be more statesman-like. Well, that sounds like he thinks he's got an eye on the top job. He can keep dreaming.

He had the top job. He had the top job. He did. And it didn't work out. Yeah. More statesman-like. He can really loosen his tie and go crazy. He could have done a Cartwell when George Osborne announced it.

Wouldn't that have been good if he'd just done one of those backflips like Narnia? It would have been good if it had gone wrong. Then it could have potentially been the best thing that has ever happened in the House of Commons. Frank, what about when you did the fist punch when you swam a length? Oh, yes, I did. And I came to watch you. It was so cute. That's true, I did. But the came to watch you. It was so cute. That's true, I did. But the fist punch then was in its infancy.

And also it was in a sporting context, wasn't it? You know what you did, which was so cute, Earl? He did a fist punch, but he smacked the water. Yes. And the water went everywhere. Brilliant. Yeah, I smacked the water and then went... Slightly, slightly spilt it.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, Frank, we're talking about IDS's fist punch. Apologies if you weren't with us earlier. It might sound a bit strange, but do you... By the way, that's IDS, not IBS. Yes, I said IDS. No, OK, I don't think it's the irritable bowel syndrome fist punch might think it's some sort of miracle cure do you

other than that moment i saw after you swam a length when you water punched uh do you a fan of the fist punch i fist punch in private right but um you know if something really exciting happens like when um when it was revealed i'd managed to stay away from the spoilers that that john hurt was on doctor who and when he there's a bit where he turns around at the end of an episode and it says uh presenting john hurt as the doctor and i was in on my own and i stood up and on own, not like most Doctor Who fans then. No, and I did a, I did a, um, stereotyping. I did a, uh, double fist punch and, um, and a, and a, what I believe the newspaper's called a string of expletives.

Not suitable for a family newspaper. No, exactly. When you say double fist punch, can I ask, do you mean like this? Bent arms? That doesn't help on radio, does it? Like this. No, like, I did describe it as well, bent arms in front of the body. Yes, they're sort of at chin level, the fists. You both look very elderly when you did that. Thank you. Yes, I look like

I'm trying to hold on to a boss seat. You look like angry pensioners, both of you. It's funny you should mention that, because I've been trying to avoid the fist punch and I have been trying to implement into my life and my physicality the double arms out thrust above the head. Oh, old fashioned. For the radio listener, making the body into sort of a Y shape. Yes. Well that's all your Britpop stuff, isn't it? It's very hard to do that and not feel self confident. It is the Y from YMCA.ident. It is why I'm doing it.

It's the why from YMCA. Yes. Yeah. I like it with fists. It's just... I've heard that. It's just the way I am. But it's great.

It's really good. Like, have a go at it. This weather as well. Let the air get to the armpits. Yeah, I've doodriced. I've got some Old Spice stick on there. I might try that one. Have a go.

Because I'll tell you what I don't like. Now. And I might get shouted down for this, but I don't like ladies doing the fist punch. I'm sorry that one. Have a go. Because I tell you what, I don't like... Now. And I might get shouted down for this, but I don't like ladies doing the fist punch. I'm sorry. Oh. I find it a little... Do they do it?

It's a little ladette, isn't it? Do ladies do it? Do they do it? Yes, they drive as well, Frank. But I find it a little ladette-y. Yes, well... Do you know what I mean? Are you hearing me?

Keep the ladette stuff till the... Oh, for the reunion? I've heard that some of them are smoking. I mean, what on earth is going on? Where are we going to do the new lads reunion? Will ladies be allowed? Of course! Liz Hurley, in a basque.

Is that my ball? Sarah Cox, they're all there. Yeah, there's a few that can come see there you are again I tell you what I'm going to adopt when I celebrate anything now in future

be it personal or public I'm going to go for the set blatter getting the presidency you know the clench fists above the head the old fashioned clench fists above the head. The old-fashioned clenched fists above the head. When I saw that, I'd forgotten it existed. And I was just so happy

to see it. What was like, when Emily came in today, I said, many happy returns of the day. And then I thought, does anyone say that anymore? Yeah. Yeah. Just me. Just you on this. Just me then.

Aye. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, someone's texted us, I was watching Man in a Suit last night. It was on last night. I know you don't like to talk about your other work on the radio. I watched it as well. It was marvellous. I know you don't like to talk about your other work on the radio. No. I watched it as well. It was marvellous. And I knew

you didn't drink, but didn't realise the length of your sobriety. Yes. I've had to need to ticker in a follow-up. I started drinking around 86. And I feel I may have picked the baton from you. Yes. What a lovely thought. Is it? What do you miss most

about the demon drink? I couldn't cope without a cold beer on a hot day like it was yesterday and that's what David leaves We're not talking about thirst I think people are genuinely interested Frank I miss the white heat of unconcerned joy

is what I miss Alright, next question Did you say alright? I did a double fist punch to accompany that 213 has texted Right. All right. Next question. Did you say, all right? 2-1-3 is... I did a double fist punch to accompany that. 2-1-3 has texted, Frank's best and most public fist pump was in the Three Lions video. Tremendous.

Yes. So there you go. You have got a history of fist pumping. I know, but I can say then you could do it sort of unironically, but now Ian Duncan Smith's doing it. It's definitely overused, isn't it? Yeah, and lots of people at Wimbledon are doing it. Mm-hm.

I mean, come on. Hey! Come on, Andy! Edwina Curry said going large. Oh, yeah. As I said, that's the end of days when that happens. No, I think she was selecting clothing at the time. I'll tell you what I do miss? I miss the

rabbit ears in photographs. You know, the fingers behind the head. No, it came back briefly. I think Toy Story brought it back briefly. Well, I've noticed what the younger gen do, Yukara Delevingne's, etc. They do the Ringo

style peace and love, peace and love. Oh yeah, but that's the new selfie generation. They do that all the time, don't they? love, peace and love Oh yeah but that's That's the new selfie generation They do that all the time Yeah but it's not like the rabbit is She likes a funny face That's what she likes Oh god

You know what that is I'm so beautiful I can pull any face Yes It's the equivalent of no make up Yeah That's cool Respect to her for that

She's taken full advantage of her equipment I'll tell you something That you don't see a lot of that I saw you do last week, just one week ago. The click, click, slap. Oh, yeah. Oh, he does it on his show and everything. Don't get many of them knocking about. Lovely.

I found you... William Tell Albert, yeah. Like 1% attractive, I found you when you did that. Thanks very much. 1% more or 1% full stop? Just 1%. 1% attractive. I'm happy with that.

I'm not good with maths, Alan. But wouldn't it be nice if that replaced the fist pump? If, like, IBS... That'd be a great Beach Boys lyric. Wouldn't it be nice if that replaced the fist pump? Then we wouldn't have to wait so long. But a lot of people have said, oh, it's really boring having all the tennis players

doing the fist pump towards the wall. If they won the shot and then went... Yeah, they couldn't do it. The trouble is they've got a lot of... They're sweaty. When you're sweaty, you can't do it. Oh, that's right. It's going to be...

Yeah. It'll sound like they've just walked out of the shower towards the towel, won't it? No, we don't want that. I'll tell you what I'm not a big fan of. The heart. You know the heart? The human heart? The two fingers with the heart.

Oh, Mo Farah. He did that, didn't he? Thingy Bale. Christian Bale used to do it. Gareth. Gareth Bale. Christian Bale. Christian Bale.

He did something very different. And reactor. No, Gareth Bale. He did it. And Victoria Pendleton used to do it. Gareth. Gareth Bale. Christian Bale. He did something very different. No, Gareth Bale. He did it. And Victoria Pendleton used to do it. Did she? The trouble is, if the top fingers come down too low, then suddenly they form

the left and right ventricle of the heart. And the whole thing, suddenly, it's not a symbol anymore, it's awful. And then I think, you know, you know what I think? I think too much information. That's what I think. I'm one of those people who think that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, I've still got a bit of a tan. I wonder where that was from. Oh, it was from my holiday in Lake Como,

which you've asked me nothing about since my return. Jealous much? Sorry. It's difficult, isn't it? Because nowadays when you see people with a tan, you can't be absolutely sure they've been away. Good point. I can't speak for everyone in this room, but I have.

No, I know you have. How was Lake Como? Oh, it know you have. How was Lake Como? Oh, it was absolutely spectacular. So it's the hometown of George Clooney. Oh, I was really hoping you were going to say Perry Como. George Clooney!

George Clooney lives there? Yes. He has a villa overlooking the water. But what I discovered is it's all a bit Fight Club in Lake Como when it comes to George Clooney. You can't mention his name. Can I say I would be a bit surprised if he had a villa there that wasn't overlooking the water.

George Clooney's saying, no, I couldn't actually get one on the front. They're quite hard to get. They're quite expensive, actually. Got a little flat up at the top. Do you want a coffee? No, I don't drink coffee much. Oh. Oh. So you can't really mention his name. The locals clam up.

And I said, oh, George Clooney's right. And they all look at you. So it got to about the third person we'd asked. The cab driver clammed up. Someone else. I eventually asked a woman at the hotel. I said, oh, I think we saw George Clooney's photo. No, you did not see it.

I said, oh, I think it was. No, no, that was not his. Wow. Well, then we discovered there's a €600 fine for anyone who's caught trespassing on his property or taking pictures. Are you going to say saying George Clooney? Yeah.

I was thinking you already are like 1800. Yeah. It'd be great, wouldn't it, if it was a Clooney... Clooney Claus. Clooney Claus, yeah. So we had a lovely time. It was a very posh hotel. Nice. There was the Gre posh hotel. Nice.

There was the Greta Garbo suite. She used to stay there. Did she? Yeah. That was a single bed? Yeah. We didn't go there. It was too expensive for us.

She's a woman who said, I want to be alone. Oh. She did. I'm just helping her. Footnotes now, the jokes you're coming with. Very good. It's come to this.

£3,000 a night cost her being alone. That was her suite. Oh, just a minute. Not our suite, her suite. Really? Ours was significantly cheaper. That's me. But I noticed something strange about men.

Men? Just me, then. No, on the beach, I mean, I'm a serious pro when it comes to sunbathing. I was outside those gates waiting the beach club to open my boyfriend not so much though he did what all men tend to do which is they put on shorts and a t-shirt and a baseball cap and they sit under a parasol reading a novel with a samurai sword on the front okay why don't you just do that in london i'm all right with that apart from the baseball cap obviously why would you do that?

Why would you go travel all that way and spend a lot of money just to sit in the shade and read a book? Well, I'm not... I know you don't agree with me on this one. I'm not a fan of the beach holiday, generally. I don't know, what do you do? What are you supposed to do on the beach? Well, there was only one other man who was... All of these men were like this. And then there was a woman in a bikini.

And there was only one man who was actually sunbathing, put his oil on everyone. I noticed he held his sunbed every morning. You know how he reserved it? With one hairband. Hair elastic. Really? Yeah.

Do you think that counts? I'd have thought that was just something that had been accidentally left behind. That's litter, surely. What I like to do is I put so much oil on that I leave it in a sort of, with a Turin shroud type of a marker, so you can see where I was the day before. Can I tell you what this man did?

He said he was talking to some other guests and he was wandering around parading in his shorts and his trunks and I just heard him say yeah not bad for 65 am i women would never say that wouldn't no they wouldn't they'd say not bad for 48 am i i used to have a very very system when i did sunbathe and i used to be um you know feverish sunbather um i had a very i didn't use oil in, in fact. I used to do 20 minutes on my back, 20 minutes on my front, 20 minutes on each side.

That was it for the day. And I did that every day. And I would work up five minutes here, five minutes there. By the end, I'd be on 45 minutes on each. Do you know why that is? Why? That's your sausage experience. It's probably right, yes.

My sausage experience. And then there was a time I wore a thong. But more to come. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about the incident at the hotel in Lake Comer?

Oh, I haven't told you about my thong thing. Oh, yeah. I went along to. All right, Cisco. And I thought, well, obvious thing is a thong, because, you know, that's a really good idea. And so I... No, no, no, yeah. I went along with it. All right, Cisco. And I thought, well, obvious thing is a thong, because, you know, that's a really good idea. And I... So I...

No, no, no, no. That's a really good idea. For sunbathing, because obviously you get more done. Yeah. For you? Yes. OK. So I know it's a bit Stringfellow, but anyway,

it never occurred to me there was anything wrong with it. Pardon? I'm surprised that you're a reformed sunbather. Frank, who was it who said Stringfellows? It was Dennis Rodman, was it? Yes, when leaving the Big Brother house. Yeah, he said Stringfellows. I'll see you there.

Yeah. Anyway, so I thought this has worked a treat. I wore it for a whole holiday, two weeks, 20 minutes, 25 the next day. Hold 25 for maybe two or three three days then go to half an hour x anyway so i i played when i got back i played uh football with a bunch of people i now got in the dressing room the whole place absolutely cracked up with laughter and i thought what's that and it was because they could see my white thong thing. Oh, your thong marks? That was when I first realised it was a man wearing a thong is a ridiculous thong. What did you first realise?

Why didn't you know that from birth? I don't know why I didn't know it. I thought the thong song made it all OK. Well, I wouldn't do that. Do you remember the thong song? Yeah, I've just mentioned it. I referenced Cisco earlier. No one picked up on it.

Sorry, I thought that was Chris Eubank just repeating himself. What about the sweets at the hotel? There was an armoire. Hang on, are you spelling that sweets S-W... S-W-E-T-S. Oh, OK. I thought you meant you've got a sweet.

An antique armoire filled with... I'm going sort of those fizzy strawberries, you know, like the little hearts, lots of little coffee sweets, fruit jellies, marshmallows in these big glass jars. I like their food, the Italians, but they're very thin. Anyway. How do they do that? Fashion.

Mediterranean food. It's nearer to real food than us. Yeah, but if they're topping it up with bonbons. Well, I think maybe that's just for us, the visitors. But you know what was interesting? We loved this. We'd take big handfuls every day. On the way back from sunbathing,

we enjoyed our little sugar fix. Yeah. Until a woman came over to us and she said, you're so nice, the sweets, for the children. Oh, really? She said it repeatedly to us. She said, the children, yes, it's so nice.

We have to make sure we have enough for the children oh dear embarrassing it could have been worse you could have laid the old 13 types of urine on you what they say about the peanuts oh shut up about it I'm eating Frank? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

Absolute Radio It's Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran text the show on 81215 about anything, really follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio, email the show via

the Absolute Radio website. We've very briefly mentioned Wimbledon a couple of times with the fist punch thing today. I'm particularly enjoying the sports commentary this year. Have you seen any of Andy Roddick being interviewed about it? No. I love him. He's my new crush. He's great. He's really funny.

Can you remind me who he is? He used to be a tennis player until very recently. Where is he from? America. He's an American chap. Okay. He's an American. We have a lot of Americans on our commentary team, don't we?

Yeah. But let's not get too nationalist. All right, 1953 attitude. However, my favourite bit of sports, they've been talking about the Royal Box and who's been in there quite a lot as well. We're celebs. Very celeb-heavy. Katherine Jenkins, Bill Beaumont.

Slightly weird bookings, yeah. I mean, like, weird bookings. I actually think Endemol have been booking it as if they were doing Celebrity Big Brother. That's what it feels like, just weird comparison. This is my favourite bit of sports commentary this week. Andrew Castle said on the television, Anton de Beek and Graham Lasseau. Yacking.

Anton de Beek and Graham Lasseau, yacking. And there was just pictures of them really animatedly talking. Sounds like there's venom in that. Castle wants a seat. Castle wants a seat in the box. That is good sports. Oh, wow, that's good. That's a seat. Castle wants a seat in the box. Oh wow, that's a good spot. What could those two be talking about? Having a triple barrel

name, I guess. I hope that's now on your Sky Plus never to be deleted. I wish I'd recorded that. That would be great. My favourite piece of sports commentary ever. And this probably shouldn't be, but it is. Alan Minter. Remember him? British boxer be, but it is. Alan Minter.

Do you remember him, British boxer? Yes, I do. Not Sminter. He wasn't a Sminter. No, he had some muscle on him. Alan Minter for Marvin Hagler, I think it was. And at the end of it, there was a bit of a riot. And Harry Carpenter was commentating on the BBC,

and he said, oh, and I've never seen scenes like this before in British boxing. There are people that say, oh, and I've been hit on the head by a bottle. I don't know. I know that's not good, but it was the, oh! It was like Oliver Hardy, you know. Oh, God bless him. Oh, I like Boris Becker actually once, did a brilliant one. When he was getting, it must have been pre his Andy Murray involvement,

because I think he's got other fish to fry now, hasn't he? Yeah, he's in... Was it Djokovic? Djokovic, he was in Djokovic. But he once said it was so sinister, it must have been the final set, and he just went, all right, let's do this. That's what happened. Arnie, yeah, wow.

But there were some strange fashion choices in the Royal Box. There was Judy Murray, Ma Murray. She wore a goddamn biker jacket, Frank, in the Royal Box. I liked her for that. Good for her. Wow. Goddamn biker. I missed that.

Maybe she rode there on like a Triumph Bonneville or something. Good for her. Just come God, I'm biker. I miss that. Maybe she rode there on like a Triumph Bonneville or something. Good for her. Just come from the Quadrophilia concert. She's a member of the Henley Hells Angels. I think generally speaking, the people in the Royal Box, the posher they are, the more layers they wear. Some of the really posh people go, and they seem to coat perfectly well in like a waist

coat and a jacket. But bear in mind they grew up in the Raj, when it used to be high tiffing with the old red tunic buttoned up to the neck. And did you see that there was a thing where they announced the tube strike and Prince William made a little joke like, oh, better run

off because I'm going to be late. I don't think you should have done that. I don't think you should have done that. Why? I'm laughing at other people because they have to get the tube. I know I do that. That's exactly how I took it. Yeah. Yeah, you do do that. I thought, you don't have to run for the tube. You go everywhere in a limo. You shouldn't do that, Frank. Oh, but it's alright to do that.

No, it's alright for you to do it because you're a man of the people. Let's face it. I was in a car during the tube strike. It was a nightmare. So it wouldn't have been any fun for poor old Prince William. I dare say he gets the outriders, doesn't he? Right, I want an MBE. I don't want an MBE.

I've turned it down, what, three times? You haven't. Have you? No. Full eyes today. What about when Bex called the ball? You know what? If I was offered an MBE, I would have to say yes,

just so we could talk about it on here. Yeah, it's all fuel. You'd have to. We haven't discussed Elena Stassi's jacket. Oh, that... Chiquito. Oh, yeah, it's Colonel Gaddafi's jacket. Gaddafi?

Did he look like Colonel Gaddafi? It's a bit like you always call it, Frank, a bit Quality Street soldier. It was very... What, did he have, like, gold brocade all over it? What was he wearing? He did look good. That was very odd, unless someone...

He's an eccentric, though. His chief of schoolboys, above with that party string, managed to get him. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So the Royal Box is sort of open to all these days, really. Well, Catherine Jenkins. Yeah. New readers might not know that it is my theory

that Catherine Jenkins is Lucifer's representative on Earth. Do you still think that? Yeah, based on quite a lot of evidence. I can't repeat that now, but more or less cast iron evidence. Really cast iron. And I watched her walk, and I thought, God, how does she walk on those hooves? I thought it would have been great if Cliff had been there this year.

You know that year when it rained? If there had been Cliff and Catherine Jenkins in the same... firing thunderbolts at each other. That would have been been She's just a devil woman I love you my friend I love you

Yes but he didn't show but it was He didn't show He didn't show apparently That's about some hell song That was a good He didn't show He didn't show apparently Must have had something else on That was a good That was a good piece of I once watched

I'm moving on I once watched A cricket match Oh congratulations The late great Jim Laker was commentating As in morning Peter Morning Richard And a dog got on the pitch I think Jim Laker was commentating, as in morning Peter, morning Richard. Oh, yeah.

And a dog got on the pitch. Used to be a thing in football, dog on the pitch. It was a school playground thing. Yes. But not that often on a cricket pitch. But anyway, a dog came on. It was a lovely sunny day and it came on. And they chased it a bit and no one could catch it.

And it just lay down. And it was just lying there in the sun on the pitch and not on the actual strip but on the further and jim laker said uh dog still out there lying at a sort of a deepish mid-off that's professionalism at all times What I remember most distinctly About The tennis Is they used to be a lot posher the commentators Dan Maskell wasn't it oh I say Dan Maskell once said

What a marvellous cross court volley by Mrs King It was all that sort of stuff Mrs King Yes he did call her Mrs King, I think. Yeah, OK. OK. Well, you know, times have changed. I also liked his, it wasn't necessarily commentary,

but it was a sports film, if you like, which was when our friend of the show, Adrian Childs, was presenting, I think it was an electrical storm or something. Oh, yes. One of my favourite pieces of television ever. And poor Adrian had to fill for about, it was one of those two hours to fill. Him, Ian Wright, Glenn Hoddle.

I remember it was Glenn Hoddle, because there was a moment Glenn Hoddle was holding, he held an imaginary microphone and spoke into that. Why did he do that? Like people do when they're in the mirror being Elvis. He did that as an interview. Well, it's because Ian had gone mad drunk with power in a brilliant way.

I love Ian. What about Ray? Was it Raymond Brooks Ward who used to do the horse jumping? Oh, was it? I don't know. He was very posh as well. Come on, Harvey! I remember that quite a bit.

Where have all the posh people gone? They're at Wimbledon, that's it, isn't it? That's true, yeah. I think we've finally got them gathered together. It'd be like when the dinosaurs got killed by that meteor. We could finish the whole of posh land off in one. Ian Angle has suggested, when Judy Murray

gets animated, how come no one's called her Punching Judy? That's a very good point. Angle's back. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. What about that minister? We haven't discussed him this morning. I've had a lot to get through.

That minister, Ian Duncan Smith? No, he's the sports minister for Jersey, I believe. Oh, yes. Culture, media and sports, I believe. That's a funny name. Steve Pallett. Steve Pallett. Yeah.

They call him Steve Pallett and then they call him Constable Pallett. Do they? Also, with a name like that, really he should be a football manager. What? Steve Pallett. Such a football manager's name. But Constable Pallett. Do they? Also, with a name like that, really he should be a football manager. Steve Pallett, such a football manager's name. But Constable Pallett, I'm thinking that maybe

in Jersey, if you're a minister, instead of being called a minister, you're called a constable, because he's referred to as Constable Pallett. Unless they've just took two names at random out of an art book. Yes. They have a minister for sports in Jersey. That's a usual for you to say. Yes.

It doesn't strike me as a particularly sporting nation. What, Jersey? Yeah. What about Graham Lasalle? Oh, yeah, that's true. Brains. And Anton Dubeck. Was he from Jersey?

Oh, you know. Anyway. Let's face it. He was due to go away on official government business. The constable, constable Pallett. It was the Dance World Cup. The official handover. In Bucharest, I believe.

Did you know there was a Dance World Cup? No. If I'd have known, I think I'd have entered. My first thought when I thought there was a dance, I thought, well, what's the opening ceremony? Is it people playing football? But how have I not heard of the Dance World Cup? Surely that would have been

that must be on satellite telly. I'd love to go. Is there a women's Dance World Cup? Oh, new lad. I'll film my Anton Dubek. He'll know. He'll be there. Yakin.

Yakin. Yakin. Lev Yakin. Sorry, it's a Russian girl. Well, it's in Romania, which makes sense to me, because a lot of Strictly contestants, I think they're good on dance over there. Oh, yes.

Anyway, by mistake, he didn't go to Bucharest in Romania. Where did he go, Al? Budapest. Oh, good pronunciation. Budapest. In Hungary. In Hungary. They are pretty similar, though.

Hungary. Bucharest and Budapest. Hungary's our favourite country at Insta. We're lucky he didn't go to a live performance of Booker T and the MGs. No, but they are. I get them mixed up. I've got to be honest. The only way I remember it is

West Bromwich Albion played Dinamo Bucharest back in the early 70s, maybe even late 60s. And Radio Throstle, which is the bit that plays the music at the Albion, they hadn't got the Bucharest National Anthem, the Romanian National Anthem.

So the guys all stood there. They all put their hands on their hearts the way East European footballers used to do for National Anthems. And Radio Throssell played Midnight in Moscow by Kenny Ball and his jazzmen. And these guys are just standing there with their hands on their hearts looking confused. So that's why I remember Bucharest, Romania. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So this Steve Pallett thing said a thing that I also think is overused in the public domain at the moment. When he flew to Budapest instead of Bucharest, he said, oh, it was a school... Did he say, oh? He said it was a schoolboy error. A schoolboy error.

And you think, well, not really. And then I thought, it's not really a schoolboy... How many schoolboys go to Budapest? I mean, none of them are even... Well, they might get them mixed up in an essay, but they tend not to fly there. Yeah, exactly. He flew there, but then it turned out that he meant that on the,

you know, the visa control thing, he called the woman Mum, so that was what he meant. He accidentally called a person in authority Mum. That's so easily... Did you ever do that? Oh, how embarrassing does that make you? Yeah, I did it as well. What about when I did it to you once on this show?

But you called me Mum. Why did it cost £1,000? It said he'd wasted over £1,000 in flights. I'm sorry, £1,000? I loved it. What was he getting on John Travolta's plane? £1,000? It costs about £120 on EasyJet, doesn't it? No, but he probably went, you know, he's a minister.

He's a constable. Constable? He went, um... He probably went first class, didn't he? Well, you don't... Well, they say first class. It's not first class. They just give you a seat in between you.

Well, there's a curtain. They draw the curtain. There's a curtain. Yeah, well, I don't know when he got the £1,000. Perhaps he booked a hotel there. Yeah. That would suggest

any of the other things. Booked a hotel there. Nothing else. You have to imagine dot, dot, dot. Miscellaneous costs up to £1,000. He probably booked a car. Shall we go to email corner or do we have...

Oh, yeah, we haven't been there for a while. Oh, I don't know if I can find the way. I'll tell you, are you going to go straight there? Because I'd like to say there's something we haven't done this morning, which is pay our respects to Taunton Omer Sharif. Taunton Omer Sharif? Because I've had a number of texts this week, lovely texts, just paying their respects.

It's a taunting tragedy. R.I.P. Taunting Omar Sharif. Taunting the Sharif has only gone and passed on. If you don't know the show, you'll wonder what this is about. I was speaking about a man in the black country many years ago who

was a big mate of my mate's, Jeff. And he decided he was going to get rid of swearing. So he replaced them with the words taunting and fratting was two words he made up instead. And someone was talking about a bloke being ugly at work and he said, well, you ain't no taunting homo sheriff yourself. Referring to homo sheriff and then poor old homo sheriff

as a pastor to the great backgammon game in the sky. But we remember him, mainly for that reason, but nevertheless, there you go. Mo Sharif has passed on to the great backgammon game in the sky. Yeah. But we remember him, mainly for that reason, but nevertheless, there you go. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Are we in the corner? We're going in the corner.

No-one puts me in the corner. No-one puts me in the corner. No one puts me in the corner. Good God. We have an email here that is... Well, it's about you. It's about me. So shall I read it? Yeah, perhaps you should. If that was me, I would have read it about myself. Anyway, it's about Alan. This is from Lester. L-E-S- Anyway, it's about Alan. This is from Lester.

L-E-S-T-E-R. Oh, not from Lester. As in Mark Lester, not as in Lester. Carolina Colester. Alan is almost entirely wrong about average speed cameras. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you want to read that? That sounds like the end of the email corner.

Yeah. Now's the next email. Yeah, what was your theory about? Well, I... Sit back. When I did my speed awareness course... I gathered by the fireside. Oh, yeah, your speed awareness course.

I did my speed awareness course and... Just call Frank. Hashtag Mr. Loophole. Put you on that. No, no, it was fine, it was fine. It's all legit. But they... I think I was... I think I am wrong. Let's let the man... Let's hear the man fine, it was fine. It's all legit. But they... I think I was...

I think I am wrong. Let's let the man... Let's hear the man out, because I think he's got a point. Lester. OK. L-E-S-T. They do not, and never have,

acted as individual speed cameras. They only measure your time between pairs of cameras and then calculate your speed. Where it goes wrong for people is there is no indication of which cameras are paired so in big runs of cameras you can go slowly between say the first four cameras and then speed up through cameras five and six and get done for a high average between five and six despite your average being below the limit for the whole run of cameras

i understand i do understand. And that was what wasn't explained to me properly on the speed awareness course. You did a speed awareness course. A course in it. You did a course in it and they didn't tell you that? No, no, I think they probably did tell me that, but that's not how I took it. I took it that, oh, the old school foundation wasn't normal. What sort of comedians were running this course?

Were you just looking out the window at all the kids playing in the playground? I might have been doodling a bit. I was probably... But I appreciate Leicester on several levels because I think that's good information for us to broadcast. I think, you know, there's a certain amount of a civic duty that we're broadcasting that.

And also it's nice to know that I am not the most boring person on earth. I'm not saying that Leicester is, but he's definitely... I like Leicester. No, I actually find that very interesting. I love Leicester. I might have a word said against him. Good info. But actually, he's... How rarely do you hear people say, I like Leicester on national radio.

But do you know what? When he says Alan is almost entirely wrong about average speed cameras, when I first joined this show we did a little feature about what do you not believe in and I was entirely wrong then because I said I don't believe in average speed cameras that I thought they were like the TV licence

detector vans. Oh yeah, three blokes playing cards. Yeah, just total... Can I say I like that you did the course as well. I respect you for that. Because I didn't do my cycling proficiency test because my mother rang up and said, sorry, darling, she's filming on that date.

True story. Genuinely happened. Well, can I say thank you, Lester? And I'm not... I don't think he's at all boring. What you're suggesting is that Leicester Square... Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

So I was in Yogg. Yogg? Do you know Yogg? It's a sort of frozen yoghurt. Oh yes, I know Yogg. I thought it was a place. That's George Michael's nickname. Are you the Minister for Culture? That's right, yeah.

Anyway, so I'm sitting in York on my own, and it's on Charlotte Street, which is quite a busy street in London, and suddenly I heard... Eee! Eee! Did you think it was me? Well, I assumed Alan Carr had been run over. And then a woman walked past the shop

holding her seagull no like in front of her like and with her hands outstretched and holding a seagull and the seagull was going crazy not surprised if it's in yog well it wasn't in yog it's walking past yog and i i couldn't quite but everyone obviously stare i just couldn't believe it and Was the woman a bit hair dyed psychic like? No She looked like quite a normal attractive woman

and I thought I thought maybe she thought Oh God I'd really love to go to the seaside Who'll know the way? And she was being led by this because she was holding her hands out in front. I don't know if she was trying to avoid... She was divining or something.

Yeah, she was looking for fish. Divining for fish. There is a fish and chip shop a couple of streets away from there. Maybe that's where they ended up. I wonder if the seagull was going crazy. I wonder if they run out of the paint that does the white lines.

They're having to use seagulls. But it was the most, and this is the weird thing about it, which, look back on this now, I don't know why I, but there's two women sitting on a joining table, and I said to these, I said, excuse me, but are they always together? What kind of a question is that? Do you think the seagull's her wingman

or something? Yes, I love it. That was her equivalent of nookie bear hair, you're suggesting. That was her, you know, because it gets very crowded on Charlottes, so you need to get yourself a bit of a gap. I know what I'll do. All the screeching, poo exploding out of it, bird.

Eee! Eee! It's the optical crossover, darling. That woman with the seagulls coming. Do you think that's what people think about when my boyfriend's out with me? Less pooing, to be fair. When you say that. If anyone was on Charlotte Street...

This sounds like they're sort of the tabloids now. It's like Sean Taylor! If any... I really would love... Maybe the woman is... This is extremely specific texting stuff. No, but I'm doing it as... I'd love to know what on earth was going on,

because maybe she had a finger caught in it. If you can answer the question, are they always together? Yeah. Anyway. Is it a tamed seagull? These people... We wouldn't want her to be carrying it. The lovely thing is these women said,

no, I've never seen them before. Never seen them before. I've seen them with other seagulls, but not those two together. Thank you for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out! Eee!