The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Next Gen

Episode Date: July 22, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had a special moment ruined and went to see the boxing with Emily. The team also discuss the 13th Doctor, BBC salaries and the disappearance of computer screensavers.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This, some of you may have guessed, some of you may have already switched off, is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. If you'd like to text the show, and I advise it, it can be fun. Yeah. We're on 8-12-15. You can follow the show on Twitter if you're something of a modernist. We're our thing. What is it, our handle?

Yeah, go for handle. Nice and CB and modern. It's at Frank on the radio. And you can email us. I mean, let's do it. Via the Absolute Radio website. Radio website. Radio, I quite like.

I prefer, in fact. You could bring her to a radio station called Radio. Yeah. Which featured the characters from Who's Who hosting their own shows. Radio Who Who. Yeah, I like it.

It's better than Gargoyle. I was in a car this morning being brought here. Yeah. And it's a lovely time of the morning. You're in one of the world's great cities. There's lots of people carrying plastic containers in and out of shops as the day begins for London. It's like Who Will Buy in Oliver Twist.

It is, exactly. And with an element of young boy for sale. Who's the occasional person going home from night before? Well, exactly. See them, yeah. He does see those. Legends. Terrible dregs and legends.

We've all been one of those people at some point in our lives. But anyway, the driver. The driver, I'd got in the car at my house, obviously, which one does traditionally when getting a car into work, and we'd been in the car for some 25 minutes with not a word spoken between us other than Golden Square, yes. So we'd sat in complete silence. Is it like the last stages of a bad relationship?

It was a bit. I've had many a journey with my partner like that, but at least it's had some sort of context. It's a bit early in the morning for Bantz. Yeah. So I just sit in there and finally he spoke and he said, so you're not on

television anymore like you used to be. Oh, why don't they train these people? It's better when he wasn't speaking. And I said, no, my career is in decline. Thinking I'll throw hand grenade into the conversation. I mean, another one. Why did he say that?

So I said, no, my career is in decline. And he went, oh. Perfectly normal. Thanks for clearing that up. And I said, well, anyway, thanks for reminding me. And he said, no, no, it's only because, you know, I'm a fan of yours and I miss you. Oh, he misses you?

Yeah. Well, he can tune in to Room 101, the portrait show. I mean, come on. I didn't want to start listing my CV. Maybe you lined him up for bringing you in every Saturday with that cheery presence. It was the worst possible start to the day.

Well, not the worst possible start. I can think of eight things worse. You know what's happened, Frank? He's looked at that salaries list and you're not on it. Well, that's it. He's probably written me off. And that's fair enough. But he wasn't on it either, to be fair. You're a national treasure, for goodness sake.

And then I got into Absolute Radio. The first studio I passed, the presenter was standing up. And I thought, I'm not part of this world anymore. That's what I thought. No, you are. Standing up? I want you to feel welcome here. You're definitely welcome here.

Okay. Good. Well, anyway, that's got that out of the way. I feel better now. It's because of the new standing desks. Well, anyway, that's got that out of the way. I feel better now. It's because of the new standing desk. Well, none of us want to stand up. I went to a Chemical Brothers gig and I took a chair with me. I remember that.

Do you remember that? I took a stool with me. A friend of mine was involved in it and I said, I'll go if I can have a stool. And I had a stool provided for me. I'm amazed you were let in with your own chair. Or did you take the chair? Were you given it there? No, the chair stool provided for me. I'm amazed you were let in with your own chair. Did you take the chair? No, the chair was provided for me.

I had an image of a shooting stick. Yeah. I went to see... What was the one with Pauline Black? It was something like... The Selector. Was it The Selector? Yes, I believe so.

I went and thought... They were on with another punk band at Birmingham Odeon, and John Cooper Clarke, the punk poet, and I remember I bought myself an ice cream. It just seemed wrong. There was all sorts of violence and anarchy going on. You are with a lolly.

I did that thing where you break the end off a corny and make a little corny. Oh, the Sylvania family's ice cream. Oh, yeah. Do kids still do that? No. They do the computer version. Yeah.

It makes me... That's what it makes me do. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank do Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I went out with Emily Dean this week Oh did you?

I had one of the nights of my life last weekend Oh what a night Late September Early July We went to They had everything Frank Oh, what a night. Yeah, late September. No, early July. We went to... It had everything, Frank. We went to see some Pugilistica. Oh, did you?

It had a bit of testosterone. A lot of testosterone. Quite a lot. A little bit of testosterone. A lot of some 80s celebrity, some 2017 celebrity, some TOWIE stars. Really? Yeah, it was... But most of all, there was boxing. Yeah TOWIE stars. Really? Yeah, it was... But most of all, there was boxing.

Yeah, there was boxing. I picked up on that. So we went to see Chris Eubank Jr. Excellent. Fighting. Now, I saw his dad fight live three times, so it's interesting then watching the child. Yeah, yeah.

But it was fabulous. Now, I know there'll be people listening to this who disapprove of boxing, but there'll be people listening to this who disapprove of everything, because disapproving is, I would say, the new version of the Ice Bucket Challenge. Everybody's disapproving.

And if you're not disapproving of anything, you must be some sort of slob. Yeah, you're not living. So I'm sorry, but I'll try not to do a whole show of things that you personally disapprove of. But I can't promise anything. I mean, it might make a fine text in. What do you personally disapprove of?

I got very into it, Al, this boxing. I've got on record as saying, you know those people that don't split the... You know when you buy a new suit and it's got those threads that hold the... Oh, they don't take it off. Oh my God, I strongly disapprove of that. Which thread is that? The one on the pleats, the back flap.

Oh, yeah. He's just said which thread is that. That means he's one of them. No, because there's many threads. Oh, your tailor does it. The things that wind me up is the stitched pockets. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. The stitched pockets. You know when you're out in a new thing,

you just go to put your over-60s travel card into the breast pocket and it's still stitched and it ends up just sitting there like the Mad Hatter's hat band. You get that as a lady with the vent at the back of the skirt. Mm-hm. Which turns it into more of a pencil skirt. Do you understand what I'm saying? Vent at the back of the skirt. Mm-hmm. Which turns it into more of a pencil skirt. Do you understand what I'm saying? Vent at the back of the skirt?

This could be a Ray Allen anecdote. Meanwhile, over at Wembley Arena... Oh, yeah, the pugilism. I loved it. I mean, I got very into it, Frank, didn't I? Can I say, I mean, I've seen quite a bit of light boxing. It's more male than me. I don't know that it is more male than Emily, if you know what I mean.

She's quite male in a female kind of a way. Oh, I like that. But I knew that my maleness and testosterone wasn't quite up before we got in there when the security man seriously threatened to confiscate my horse, Mentholipta's lozenges that I had in my pocket. Well they told us initially to go over to the ITV

welcome window, didn't they? Oh yes. But we were worried because there were a lot of knockbacks going on Frank at that welcome window. A lot of people saying so no tickets here for you and I thought oh no. A lot of them with squash noses saying I know Terry. No I think they were just looking through the perspex

um yeah so uh but it was smooth getting the tickets was smooth in the end i mean frank briefly rechristened it the itv cold and indifferent window but it was fine they were lovely with us i must say they treated us like queens. But, I mean, to have your Hall's mentholiptus lozenges actually held up and shown to another security bloke, said, Steve, are these okay? I thought they were Hall's mentholiptus lozenges. What am I going to do with them? He might have been asking...

What, am I going to clear Chris Eubank's head? Illegally. He might have been asking if Steve thinks that there's a superior product available. No, I don't. Steve, are these okay? Well, actually, I prefer tunes, but... I think he's...

You're just offering opinions, aren't you? I think he thought I was going to use them as missiles. Didn't he think I was going to send the whole packet or individually wing them across, unwrapping them for a greater aerodynamic? I imagine they'd leave a vapour trail. Oh, lovely. I loved it when you got the hauls out.

It was something very comforting. At the end of a particularly gruesome seventh round, Frank just went, hauls out. And I'd say, yeah, Frank, why not? Yeah, it was... And we ate the hauls whilst the men beat each other. Look, I'm not doing any advertising here. I just, you know, when you get to my age,

you're going to do something about your sinuses. I tell you, Frank, I couldn't believe how popular he was with the boxing community. Oh, wow. He went down well with this demographic. I'm not commenting on this. It was a nice... You got stopped a lot, Frank.

Put your arm round... I did a lot of, shall I take this out of the picture? Yeah, yeah, nice. There was a lot of... ..me shaking hands with men with much bigger hands. Right, yeah, yeah. There were 12 o'clock handshakes. The big hand was on the little hand.

LAUGHTER Leehan was on the little hand. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So at the boxing match, Chris Eubank Jr. versus Colonel Abrahams, I believe it was. Next Gen. Yeah, Next Gen. They say Next Gen on the backs of their shirts because he's the next generation.

Oh, yeah. So what Chris Eubank has done is he's really let his son, you know, carve out his own future, stand on his own two feet. He didn't want him to do it, did he? He told him not to. He didn't, no. He forbid it, and then the son begged.

There's some good footage of the sons, like, 13. 13 staying in the house, like, I don't see why I'm not allowed to. I want to be a boxer. Well, I thought he looked great. He was rather good at it. But what was something of an eye-opener, which Frank was very, something of an old-timer. There was a few eye-closers

on the night. Yeah, yeah. Did they do that little thing, like on Rocky? Yeah. Chris is in the corner, isn't he, Frank? Oh, yeah. But what was something of an eye-opener? It's the amount of shuffling and moving around that goes on with the tickets, with the audience. Oh, I thought you meant the footwork then. No.

The boxing. It was like the computers had gone wrong at EasyJet. People couldn't decide which seat they were in. Well, they can decide. Oh, OK. So what happens? I've never been to a football match... Boxing. ..to a boxing match where people sit in their own seats.

Because people are so big and strong that they just sit where they like. And then people like me have to go up to men who look like, let's put it this way, men who look like they could kill again. And say, excuse me, I think you're in my seat, which is a tense business. I mean, we were up and down. At one point, Frank was called upon as some sort of moral arbiter. The man said, Frank... People were showing me their tickets and saying, what do you think? What do you think?

King Solomon. Someone said, Frank, what do you think? In a sort of final act of desperation... Judge Rinder or Grindr or whatever his name is. And Frank dispensed his justice. And then Rob Beckett came and sat behind us. Did he? Will no one read me of this

troublesome priest? And so I was saying, I was talking. Which Frank said at the boxing match. Of course. So I was talking to him about the seats phenomenon and in a sort of the way stand-ups talk to each other,

in a stand-up kind of a way. I already sense what happened here. And he was on about when we were at the Brits and we were on a table so near the bat that you could smell those, you know those pineapple chunks you get in new rhinos? Yeah. We could smell those.

We were so far at the back. And I leaned across and said to him, you know I was hosting this eight years ago. Just as the driver who had me this morning will enjoy that anecdote. And anyway we were chatting away and then two blokes come up and

Rob was in the wrong seat. So he had to go and move way back. And just as he left his seat, I managed to call up. By the way, Rob, when did you host this? Yeah. But it was lovely to see him. I wish he'd stayed, but what can you say? I wish he'd stayed.

I enjoyed his presence. I felt calm with him there. I tell you what was good as well is before, in the VIP bar before. Yeah, we went VIP. We met Lee Selby's nutritionist. Lee Selby was one of the boxers. Oh, yes. Frank and that nutritionist.

I mean, they were getting on like a house on fire. What I like about that... You talked to him about your regime. I don't think I mentioned my regime. Fruits, vegetables and halls, menthol, sweets. And a pork pie. He said to me, if you ever need a nutritionist, I just lifted up my shirt and said, what do you think?

What about that? He genuinely did do that. Good for you, good for you. He did that. And he vomited into a pint of that. And then said, whatever happened to Ben Kingsley? Anyway, I tell you what, because we'd met Lee Selby's nutritionist, when Lee Selby got it, we were all, come on, Lee!

You know, you have some weird reasons for backing people. I've never felt so passionate in my life. I was screaming the house down. And could there be a more middle-class reason than, well, yes, I've met his nutritionist. Yeah, exactly. And how was your coaching? Were you doing any of that stuff?

Were you shouting from the... Oh, I was shouting loudly, wasn't I, Frank? Bob and Weave, or were you shouting, hit him, just crack him! Well, I was relieved I didn't let Frank down, because he did, yeah, I was more hit him. Frank knew all the technical jargon. Wallop him!

Frank did say at one point, do you know what a Southpaw is? And, thank heavens, I did. Oh, good. What aboutgon. Wallop him! Frank did say at one point, do you know what a Southpaw is? Heavens, I did. What about when we saw Arj, Frank? Oh yes, Arj. I said, Frank, it's Arj! Is that where he's been all this time?

Been watching boxing? Can I say, we haven't had much breaking news on this radio for over nine years. But when Ard went missing, this is Ard, in case you don't know, Ard from... What was he from? The Only Way is Essex.

Yeah, that's right. He was actually found on the morning of the show, and I announced on air that he'd been found. I believe how you announced it was Ard once was lost, but now he's found. Indeed. Yes, but now he's found. Yes, but there he was.

He was in a jumper, I think, wasn't he? I think he was having a confusing time in his life. Oh, what, that weekend? No, not on Saturday night. Oh, sorry. Well, he's got the recently thin, which is, I'm going to get some clothes out. Oh, has he? He had the cardi.

Oh, I wouldn't knock him for that. Well, no, I thought it was great. He looked good. Yeah? Arge is part of our gang now, Frank, if we go into the boxing. I'm not going to go as far as to say that. Arge was part of one of the most awful pieces of television

I ever saw, where on The Only Way Is Essex had a pop quiz, and none of them got any answers right at all. Yeah. Which is fine. You know, that's not their fault. In a way. But they celebrated the fact that it was like...

Oh, celebrate the ignorance. It was a tremendous celebration of ignorance. And I can't, I'm sorry, I can't cope with that. I didn't mention it to him on the night. No. He didn't get close enough. No, he was sort of a kingly figure. Was he? Oh, the crowd loved him night he didn't get close enough he was sort of a kingly figure oh the crowd loved him

he was, I would say he went down better than I did oh no that's what's gone wrong with entertainment really? I remember Chris Eubank funnily enough said that to me, wanted to premiere don't you find it annoying that the people from Big Brother seem to get more attention than people like yourself

with obvious talent and he said to me. And I've loved that man ever since. It was good to see him in the ring. Carefully unfolding a Union Jack at one point, which I took photos of. He was really careful, like he'd ironed it. He strikes me as a very careful man. A meticulous man.

I think he put a monocle on to make sure the corners were aligned. Is that what that's for? I've often wondered. Oh, he just looked like Mr Planter. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

I should say, we were in the third row at the boxing. Oh, nice. I was glad I'd gone top shop. Because you can get covered in... Oh, I see. So you didn't wear one of your best suits. No. With all the stitches still in the pocket.

No, no. He looked very rat-packed, though. Did he? Mm. Took a nice photo, no filter needed. What about this for a text in? What about obscure reasons for supporting someone in any sort of contest?

I.e. I've met his nutritionist. And he was a very nice man. One of the main reasons I voted Labour my whole life is in 1978, I went down on a student march to London from Birmingham and we went to No Number 10 Downing Street and James Callaghan got out of a car, the current Prime Minister, and waved at me.

Oh, yeah. And I thought, that's me then. That's me something. He says you have to choose every time. Yeah, exactly. Switch that bit of your brain off and use it for other stuff. I think at the time I've saved when I could have, I'd have had to have read manifestos.

Oh. Just one wave. Just that wave, did it? Yeah. It's plenty. See, that's, just remember that in life, a little bit of common friendliness. We do every now and again give out a life hack. There you go.

Just pick a team. It's the gift. Vote for them forever. The gift that keeps on giving, I must say. One Five Nine has got in touch with a whatever happened to. Oh, yeah. Frank, Emily and Alan, whatever happened to computer screensavers? Used to see them all different through our offices.

Not anymore. Yeah. I've got one. Have you? It's actually got me on. Is that acceptable? Of course it does. I wouldn't even say it's acceptable.

Don't people use them anymore? I think it is acceptable and also somewhat predictable. Why? Why do you say that? No, but why? Which picture of you is it um it's me on stage um surrounded by thousands of adoring fans okay it's uh it's a walk down memory lane haven't you also got a cushion of your own face i am which is one of my favorite facts about you yeah i've got two oil paintings of me that was a comedy awards prop and a collage of me have you yeah oh i love that word

i've got a collage did i mention that yes it's virtually papillaché in the 2D. Can you get 2D papier-mâché? Oh, I see what you mean. I think, didn't we have that at whatever happened to once? Papier-mâché. They don't do it like they used to. They don't cover the balloon to make two masks. Oh, I used to love that. Not one mask.

No, you can get... Two! Two masks. Yeah. Literally double bubble, if you count the balloon as a bubble. Yep, that's a very good way of putting it. Thank you. Congratulations.

I mean, I too love sentences. I was... I was with Next Gen in... As I'm now going to call Boz. Yeah, Frank says he's going to say that about Boz. I think you should get a T-shirt printed. I thought you meant Chris Ewing Jr. No, I think, all right. Yeah, Frank says he's going to say that about boss. I think he should get a t-shirt printed. I thought you meant Chris Eubank Jr. for a second.

No, I wasn't with him. Though, I did hear something about him. He looks like he might be a bit of a laugh. Yeah. Well, I tell you what.

He did a few sort of comedy looks and that. Mid right. Oh, good. He was. He's, I mean, he's not an obscure crush,

but he's up there with Vince Cable for me now. Is he? Yeah. I'm, I'm all over that boy. Well, speaking of... The opponent was a bloke called Arthur Abraham, who's a...

Who's as hard... I think you could have hit him with a baseball bat and he'd have kept coming forward. But he fought with his arms either side of his head for the whole thing. Can I tell you what I like? Frank went over to me and he said, that's a very ugly way of fighting him.

Well, it looked like Eubank was trying to punch a man who was in a lift. Yeah. Trying to get one in just before the doors closed. It was like that all night. But what was I, what on earth was I talking about? Next gen. So I'm in the car.

It was an Uber. I'll be straight with you. And you're with Next Gen. And the guy said to me, so does he know all the words to your song off by heart? Oh, yeah. And I said, no, I haven't really told him about it yet. And I thought, I'll save the song

until he's got a bit more understanding. It'd be quite a big moment. Next thing I know, the bloke's put it on. Oh. So that's that. That's that special moment in our lives. Gone. So, do you remember the first time you were, yeah, I was in an Uber.

Some bloke I don't know put it on just out of the blue, you know, proper. Oh, Frank. So that was lovely. What did you say? Anything? Or did you feel, well, I can't? Well, as it turned out, he wasn't that fast about it. Did he recognise your voice?

Well, I just wanted it to stop now, because the whole thing had been spoiled. That's one thing that the Uber review hasn't got a button for, hasn't it? You know when it says, how could we improve? And it's like driving professionally. It doesn't say crashing insensitivity, does it? No, there's no pre-empting parental golden moments section.

I just sat there, I couldn't speak. When I spoke once... And what did you say? That was to tell Boz that that wasn't me singing on Dave's verse. I didn't want any confusion about that. If I'd have let him think that was basic, I might have got up the next morning, it was just a note.

He'd gone... What's he missed? This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've had a few answers to questions that we've already raised. OK. We've got a very important thing to raise this morning. Do we? Yes, I think it's maybe a mistake that Alan Cochran has made on air previously.

Oh, gosh. Which he thought I'd forgotten. No way, Joe Say, as they say at the Man United ballroom. Do you want to do that now? I feel like you want to do that now, and then we can return to the text that I was going to do. Let's be Avenue. We need a 12th man down here.

Where does the policeman live? Do you remember that joke? Where does the policeman live? Let's be Avenue. Oh, nice. I like that. That's a fabulous old gag. Mine was Mordelia.

Oh. Do you remember Mordelia Smith? Let's be Avenue. Yeah. Yeah. Go on yeah, I do, yeah. Lesbian, haven't you? Yeah. Go on, then. So, Alan was bragging this morning... Oh! ..that he'd been thanked by one of our readers...

Yeah. ..because he'd explained, when you see something, an extract that says from someone's letter or something and they've misspelled a word they put sick in brackets afterwards and Alan had pointed

out that that meant spelled incorrectly it's an abbreviation of spelled incorrectly and someone had written to Alan they'd written to you? No they'd texted in the show I've always wondered what that was about with genuine gratitude. Yeah. And I said, being an honest type of a guy,

I said, well, I've got to be straight. Being an honest type of a guy, that is so you. I said, I've got to be straight with you. I always thought it was a Latin, because it's a Latin word. And so I thought it was a Latin term. So what a fool I was. In fact, I placed myself in an idiot's Venn diagram

that I'd put with... And I tried to make you feel better momentarily. I said you could be right and you said no, no, no. No, I wanted to fess up because I'd just pointed out that Lizzie and Sarah who are working on the show today I had dismissed... I think the word I used was idiot

because they didn't know that AKA stood for also known as. Yeah. You know there's people now that have stopped in their kitchen whatever they're doing and going, oh great. Yeah. Great. Anyway. Can I just say there's plenty of stuff that I don't know as well. So I said that's three

of us and I said fair enough, yeah of course I said there's three of us here, we've all made fools of ourselves this morning. And Alan agreed with me he did agree did I quietly and then and then Emily looked up um this she looked up and uh hold on a minute and uh So what does it actually mean, Ev? It means, in Latin, and I was googling, in a sort of slightly creepy, horrible, yeah, boss, you tell her.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, like the Bullard's Apprentice. Yeah, boss, let's prove him wrong. Horrible character I became. Sick, with square brackets usually... Oh, yeah. ..is an abbreviation of sic erat scriptum, which is Latin for thus it had been written.

Oh, yeah. There you go. It's cleared that up. I think what I love most is the way Frank says with faux humility, there you go. No, how many texts am I going to get saying, you know, I've always wondered what that meant. Anyway.

Yeah, boss. Anyway, it was a lovely moment. We've got to get this in now, because Al will be off to Edinburgh soon. And he'll be uncorrected for four or five weeks. Yeah, we don't want that. We don't want me happily living my life uncorrected for four or five weeks. Yeah, we don't want that. We don't want me happily living my life uncorrected. Oh, I feel like I have Tippex running through my veins.

That sounds horrible. Correcting fluids. And I feel like some sort of Sean Spicer figure. Yeah, you're like a bully's next gen. I really am. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We had a text, whatever, I'm moving on. Whatever happens is computer screensavers.

We've been furnished with an answer from the outside world. Screensavers 153 has texted, screensavers are no longer needed as mod tech means they don't image burn and they have power-saving modes these days. But it's not about needed, is it? Oh, it's getting me all hot under the collar, that such child. Wasn't it a lovely thing to have, a screensaver? I don't think that's why it was.

Yeah, but that wasn't why they had it, Frank. Isn't that what it was about? To stop image burn. No. Are you telling me that people no longer go to wallpaper sites either? I don't think so. What? I mean, what's happening? I think they'd be more likely to try and find an emoji

site these days. Do you remember when people would get that? I've only been asleep for seven hours. The world has completely changed. Am I some sort of Rip Van Winkle figure? I've been wondering. No, but that's weird. I've still got wallpaper and...

Well, what have you got? Like a Japanese waterfall scene? Or mountains? Well, I tell you, one of my screensavers... Let's be honest, it's one or two other. I've got to tell you about my laptop screensaver. Have we got time to do this? Oh, have you? OK.

I'll tell you why. Because I was bought a Romano-British stylus, which is in the museum. I was not bought it. I was bought sponsorship of it for my birthday. It's a stylus in the museum in Cirencester. And I thought, well, I'll put a photo of that as my screensaver as I'm emotionally attached to that stylus.

So I got a photo and something went wrong with the zoom, honey. And now my screensaver is an enormous close-up of a section of Romano British stylus, just all scratched and awful, awful picture which I cannot

shrink nor can I delete it. So I've got the most rubbish screensaver. I've got a sort of inside view of the Roman occupation of Britain. It's better than the mountain range. It's too basic for a man of your calibre.

It's better than the mountain range. I'll give you that. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, that would be good. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. Good, but not as good as texting us. And email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I have no view on that.

Is that plead the Fifth or something? Yeah, Plead the Fifth. Is that what they say? We've had people texting their wallpapers. Yeah. I mean, not, you know, the stuff around them on the walls, obviously. But not being specific enough, come on, tell us what they actually are. Daniel Skipsy says, I love my screensavers and wallpapers.

I've set my wallpaper so it changes to a different picture every 10 minutes oh no you've got to give we need detail yeah yeah i'll tell you what you got to be ashamed of i'll tell you who's provided detail mark from greys my screen saver is of the good ship ross revenge in all her glory with the 300 foot mast in the north sea that's the kind of detail that we're after, isn't it? Good old Ross revenge. One of my favourite good ships. Yeah. I don't think I know many good ships.

Was there originally a Ross, and then something happened to that, and then there was a Ross? Maybe. And we've had a text just in from 005. Not here. Not the... Next door, though. Yeah, he ain't close to me.

He hasn't got the licence to kill. I wonder if he uses my cleaner as well as she's in next door's house. Here's the text. Have we even mentioned Doctor Who yet? I don't think we have yet. No. It was a big week for Doctor Who.

It was. It really was. week for Doctor Who. It was. Obvs. It really was. Massive. So, Frank, I mean, I think you're the Whovian on the show. Well, I was... There's no doubt about that. So it was, yes, they have announced the new Doctor Who,

as I think many of you will already know that. Mm-hm. This is not up there with announcing that, oh, I've just been found breaking news. No, it's not breaking news, this is not up there with announcing that Arge has been found breaking news. No, it's not breaking news. And the way they did it was that they had a very short and quite enigmatic video that they showed. I love the video. Obviously, the big story is that it's a female doctor.

That's why everyone's got very excited about it. And to show what an important announcement it was, they put it on straight after the men's singles final, which, of course, is the premiere game at Wimbledon. Yeah. So it started off with a slight contradiction, but it was a lovely video. Glad you noticed that.

What was it? Because they did the slow reveal, and I loved it. She's running through the woods. Were they ogs? I've done a lot of work on those boots. I've done a lot of analysis. I thought they were Oggs. I thought it's going to be Ronnie Wood.

I had like all that Sky Sports equipment looking at those boots. Yeah. I mean I looked at it and I knew it was a woman from the clothes obviously. Did you? Yeah, because I exactly like you. Oh did you? I didn't know until I saw the hand. Well, no, you see, I think they blew it with the mascara.

I know that's very gender normative of me, apologies. I didn't see that, yeah. No, you saw the eye before the reveal. Could have been guy liner. Oh, no, the eye. I definitely knew it was a woman on the eye. Yeah, but you just go straight to the hood coming down. I actually knew who it was when I saw the eye.

Oh, did you? Oh, yeah, it was a bit like Question of Sport. Missing Persons round. Not Missing Persons. I haven't resorted to doing that on Question of Sport. That would be great. Question of Sport. Or they get at milk cartons.

Sue Parker holds up milk cartons with people's pictures on. So, in the rather somewhat strange section of the show, we're going to do our missing persons round. Exactly. There must be a few sports people who've gone missing and never been found again. Oh, it's got to be a sports person. Don't take so many.

Not just Arj. Well, they come back. Maybe, you know, they might be on there. So, anyway, it was a bit... But you knew. The mood... You're such a big fan of broadchurch. Did you get a tip-off from one of your friends in the...

No, I tell you what, but when Peter... PCAP. Yeah, when PCAP was announced, he hadn't been mentioned at all, and then the night before, he suddenly started getting mentioned on the internet, and the same thing happened with Jodie Whittaker. J. Witt.

I think it's going to be Joe Witt, I suppose. Oh, Joe, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, you say J-Lo, but I'll let you have Joe We but i think it was very scottish widows the trailer was and i thought that's quite apt because it's like the death of the scottish the last scottish doctor so she is a sort of a scottish widow in a way yeah i see i hope that's going to be her look because i love the hoodie with the um I hope that's going to be her look, because I love the hoodie with the slightly Nikita overcoat. To me, it looked like one of the hoodies that Capaldi had worn.

Oh. Yeah. Of course. Because you always get a lovely transition moment with a new Doctor Who, where at first they're wearing the last one's outfit, because of course they've just turned into it. Ah, right. Yeah, yeah. And then they get their own clobber, basically.

Which is going to be interesting if the next Doctor after her is a man. So does he wear a coat like that, PCAP? If I thought I was going to regenerate and ask Jodie Whittaker, I'd put on the most floral, girly outfit I could find. So the next Doctor Who, who could be played by some burly six foot...

Could be. I don't think there'll ever be another male Doctor Who. Really? Would it be? No. It'll go back and forth now, I think. Do you think? Yeah. Or maybe they'll try and balance it out. It'll just be women until it's the same, sort of like

13 women in a row now. But it is always the way with Doctor Who that you get to really know and love them, and then they change into a completely different person. I find it's very good practice for relationships. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

So, yes, we were just talking about... One thing I hope, I hope it's not just a cost-cutting exercise by the BBC. Whoa, whoa, what on earth could you mean by that? Well, I mean, that would be the worst possible reason, wouldn't it? Well, we know what PCAP was on, and, you know, there was a lot of darn sight less than Nick Knowles. I know. Is it? I have... I mean, let's...

And Felty. We'll probably talk about this after, but when people were shocked about the discrepancy between men and women, I understand that, but the discrepancy between some very average people

and Peter Capaldi... Yeah. Yes. I thought... I agree. Peter Capaldi's like, the heck does... I'm not going to name them,

but X is getting more money than one of the great Doctor Whos ever. I mean, I'm no Whovian, but I think that's an outrage. Thank you. Yeah, boss. Although I will say this. Like, when it comes to the haggling for Jodie Whittaker, who's just got the job,

the BBC are now in a very strong position because before that, like, when it was Peter Capaldi, they were going, OK, well, we'll pay you this much because you're the guy that we've chosen. But now they've literally doubled the amount of actors that could do that job.

So they could go, hey, do you not realise, like, market forces are at work here. There's now double, the whole of the acting population can play this role. So if you don't like it, you can walk. You know, that kind of thing. Surely they

could get a minimum wage with a bit of aggression in the deal making. No, I think you're probably right. By the way, can I say that when I was, I actually ran home. I physically ran home to get back in time. Oh, to watch it, did you? Oh, good. And I caught the aftermath of the men's

singles final. And Kate and William were there. Yes. And now, you know every time I take money out of the bank, I have to sing Got Brass In Pockets, every time I take from a cash point. Every time I see Kate and William now, I've found I have to say out loud, he did well.

I just have to say it. He did though there was a time we talked once on the show about those three months when he was really handsome frank said he looked like a disney prince briefly he did he did look like a disney prince and then it was like the magic potion wore off i think that must have been a chrysalis a very good looking chrysalis he went into well frank did point out that on the wedding day, it just, what did you say, it took off about 17% when he took the hat off.

Yeah, I know. It's harsh. I know. Anyway, so I, um... So you sprinted home for the announcement, and then you saw it, and did you, did you have the response? Kath said to me just before it happened, who do you think it's going to be, And I said, Jodie Whittaker. Wow.

Because she'd appeared the night before. Oh, you must have felt good that you got it right. Oh, yeah. I had no clue. I'll tell you something, though. You might have secretly rewound it on the Sky Plus and Kath thought that it was alive. I think.

Now, here's the thing. I went to the opening of a big posh hotel called The Ned. I believe I was with you. With Emily Dean. And unless I'm very much mistaken, I was being taken away somewhere, and Jodie Whittaker came in. And to me then, she was like, you know,

bereaved mum from... Broadchurch. Yeah,. From Broadchurch. Yeah. Beth. Oh yeah. From Broadchurch. So I really, as you know, I was a very late adopter of Broadchurch, but an enormous fan of it. A big fan. So I was very keen to go over it and I looked across at her

and she looked at me and she gave me a lovely warm smile. Did she? And I wonder if she thought if only you knew you're walking away from the next Doctor Who, you loser! You loser! Oh, she could get a lot of revenge in now, couldn't she? She's known since January. Now, if I was her,

I would have gone to every showbiz do I could have, hoping that people would be a bit indifferent and off with me. Excellent. So I could then, I could have a bit of a Ross's Revenge and 12-foot mast moment. When, um... 300, I think.

Yeah, that's a great moment for her, isn't it? Yeah. So I feel I've slightly missed out on the, oh, wow, it's a female Doctor Who. I just think new Doctor Who, always really exciting. I've loved everyone that's ever been Doctor Who. Good. I doubt this will be any Who. I just think new Doctor Who, always really exciting. I've loved everyone that's ever been Doctor Who. Good. I doubt this will be any different.

I just think new Doctor Who won't watch it. Fair enough. But I love your passion for it. Yeah. And, you know, she seems a nice lady. But can I say one thing? Yeah. The video that's been everywhere of the little girl

celebrating the fact that it's a girl... Oh, I saw that. ...is definitely a fake. Do you think so? In my opinion. Do you think? Why? I think the mums thought,

oh, this will look great. This will get us lots of likes. We'll go viral. We'll play the PC card. Nice and easy. The PC card! I've come on in. I can't listen to Gaunty.

When I started in stand-up, right, people used to... If the gig wasn't going very well, they'd say something very abusive about Margaret Thatcher and get a round of applause. Now, I hated Margaret Thatcher at the time and she'd done more damage probably to my own area than she had to down here, but... You wouldn't go there.

I thought, I don't want that laugh. I don't want that applause. No. Too easy. And that's what I think. We'll see how it goes. I thought I don't want that laugh I don't want that applause it's too easy and that's what I think we'll see how it goes if the next Doctor Who is male and I publish a video of Boz going thank god

it's a man again there might be a few of those so we're talking about Whittaker. Can I make that clear? I've heard a lot of people calling her Jodie this week. Now, you don't do that with Doctor Who's. Doctor Who's, it's like public school. They're all called, even the one, I love all of them.

Oh, really? But you still say, yeah, well, of course, when McGann was... Well, what about if they're close personal friends of your parents? It gets complicated. I think when you speak of them in the context of Doctor Who, you still have to just use their surname. Unless it's Tom and Colin Baker and you're distinguishing. And are we going to discuss the...

I think a very tiny, tiny minority of, shall we say, Whovians or internet warriors who have used phrases like, political correctness gone mad! Well, there was a couple of... Are they Daleks? The Daleks. Political correctness gone mad.

That's what it is, like they've got a rule. We can't shoot a lady! We're going to hell in a handcart! They're taking all our jobs. You know, there were a couple of things on the internet, you know, TARDISes embedded in buildings saying women drivers. Oh, were there? I saw a few of those.

I found it quite funny. I'm not going to lie. I'll tell you something. There used to be like a running joke in Doctor Who and still sort of ongoing that the Doctor can't quite drive the TARDIS, that he actually stole a faulty TARDIS, so he often ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't know if they'll be able to use those jokes anymore.

I hope not. About a lady. She might be really good at driving the TARDIS. The fifth Doctor, Frank. I don't think she will be good. I think she'll need the help of an elderly engineer who can assist her with the maintenance. Whoa. Spoiler alert, Frank. I don't think she will be good. I think she'll need the help of an elderly engineer who can assist her with the maintenance. Whoa.

Spoiler alert, perhaps. Can you imagine if you got the call-up? I don't think that's going to happen. I worry I'd lose you. I've got you just what I want, new boss. Here, Mark. Now, Frank, the fifth doctor who you'll be familiar with. I once got an email from Peter Davison

that was signed Doctor Number Five. Excellent. Which I did like. I like your world as Doctor Number Five and mine as Chanel. Yeah. So he was not... We're both pleading the fifth. Oh, lovely.

Come on. Trebon. That's what he should have done, pleaded the fifth. Peter Davison. Well, he didn't, unfortunately. No. And he was quite outspoken. Come on! That's what he should have done, played in the fifth. Well, he didn't, unfortunately. No. And he was quite outspoken. He said, if I feel any doubts, it's the loss of a role model for boys,

who I think Doctor Who is vitally important for. What about girls? No, but can I say, in his defence, that I think what he means is that a lot of the male leads in sort of action things are very guns and muscles and stuff like that. And Doctor Who has always been brains and gentleness and understanding. So a positive role model for boys. So for boys who for years, especially when it started, were pushed into that sort of James Bond

you know, lots of birds and gons and Doctor Who was I suppose for the spod kids you know, the science kids. Yeah, yeah. And so I think for boys it was important. So I would also say that Boz

absolutely loves Rogue One and the last Star Wars Next Gen. Force Awakens. Star Wars Next Gen. But he loves Rey and Jin in Rogue One. So I don't know

if it really matters, does it? Well, can I talk about the sixth Doctor? Are you familiar with him colin baker yes he said am i sorry peter you're talking rubbish there absolute rubbish which is a very 70s actor which i like absolute rubbish yeah it sounds i could hear him saying it so yeah so they've had a little bit of a shouty screamy but i hope they make up but at the same time john barrowman at the same event, actually came on and said it was great news,

and he was dressed in a sparkly TARDIS dress. Was he? Excellent. Which is Barrowman absolutely in his quintessence. Excellent. I think. I really think if she's good,

no one will care a bit. Exactly. And I can't imagine she will be. I think she will be. Now, who is going to be the companion? That's the biggie. I mean, before we get to that, I'm slightly worried that, because I don't think, as you say, I don't think they play up the blokiness

of the Doctor, do they? Like, it's not muscles and firing guns and stuff. This is what I mean about the little girl celebrating, you know, oh, it's a girl. I think that there is a lot of people celebrating it this week because they're saying this is how liberal I am rather than just...

Yeah, but then it's nice to have a role model for the girls as well, isn't it? Yeah, but, um, I, you know, perhaps. Well, but is it just a role model for girls? I have problems with this, yeah. Well But is it just a role model for girls? I have problems with this, yeah. Well, is it just a role model for boys? I'm going to have an argument with you.

We'll all go to the studio now. I think Bill, who was in the last episode, and Rose, Billy Piper's character, and Clara were all fantastic role models. Anyway... Companions, though. Clara was a fantastic role model. Anyway, it's not... Companions, though. Well, Clara was basically found to be the main source behind...

I don't know. I've never watched the damn thing. Well, then shut up about it. These, honestly, women. What I don't want to happen is for them to go from, like, not really playing... I'm overpowered here. You know, you're on the radio, you're eating cashews. I know, I like them. But, you know, they don't play up the blokey bloke-ness of

the Doctor, and neither, I think, should they play up any girl, I hope she's not going to be a girly girly Doctor. Well, she won't be girly girly. I don't want to tune in, I don't really watch it that much anyway. Here we go, brace yourselves. I don't want to tune in and like the TARDIS before the scatter cushions and you know, throws., brace yourselves. I don't want to tune in and like the TARDIS before the scatter cushions and you know, throws. I knew it.

I don't want that. I don't think they will do that. I think we'll be on safe ground. That's it, we got through it. Well done. Well done everyone. Well it's exciting as it always is. I remember there being an enormous scandal about

the fact that Christopher Eccleston had a northern accent. Yes. So there's always summit. There's always summit. As we used to say, if we tell you one thing, you're summit else. And Frank, 407 says Emily, the girls have Wonder Woman, let the boys have their fun.

Well... What do we think? I think they may be joking. Oh, okay. Also, I really like Wonder Woman. So do I. Especially the new one. Yeah. And I did think she looked great in the trailer, by the way. Is that all right to say that?

Yeah. Never really... I think she looked great in the trailer. When she was run down bereaved mom, I never really noticed it. But now she's Time Lord, I'm thinking, hey, come on! I'm thinking.

Oh, dear. Thank God this isn't live. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we've had a questiony. Every time you say, new Doctor Who, this is from 207, my partner says, it's say new Doctor Who, this is from 207, my partner says it's the new Doctor. The show is Doctor Who and the character is the Doctor.

Could you clarify, Frank, I feel you are more knowledgeable in this area and would be surprised at such an error, but I also agree with her. That's from Louisa. Well, what I'm not surprised at is that someone has sent that in because people do make an enormous fuss about it. And I went through a long period of being quite strict about this. And when Capaldi took the job,

he talked of himself as Doctor Who. And I thought, you know what? I do actually think of the character of Doctor Who. Why have I let myself be constrained? In the original credits in the early days,

it used to say Doctor Who William Hartnell, I believe. Oh, did it? And also there is an episode when they asked him who he was and he said Doctor Who. I think he actually on the programme. So is Who his surname? Well, it's a great mystery because there's no question mark, obviously, but they've taken every opportunity they can

to use the phrase Doctor Who. In fact, Missy, quite recently, just started the episode by claiming that his real name was Doctor Who and saying it about 20 times, which I must say was one of the most liberating and exciting things I've ever seen on television, just Doctor Who being said over and over and over in Doctor Who. That's your fantasy, Frank. So I've decided I'm going to refer to the Doctor as Doctor Who

because that's what I called him when I was a child. And I know when I was a child I should have put away childish things and I saw through a glass darkly, but I'm sticking with you. But thanks for your inquiry. Good night. Excellent. I think the same thing happens with Dr Frankenstein and Frankenstein's monster doesn't it?

Oh no, that is wrong. But it's not because it's now common parlance. It's fine. Voice of controversy. It's common parlance. It's like sick at home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. I think I'll go back to being quiet again for a bit.

So we don't know who the companion is? No. Okay. Who would you like it to be? Any offers? Well, there was... It's got to be a man. It was going to be...

Do you think? Well, maybe not. Maybe not. I don't think... If I could have anyone, anyone, anyone, to be honest, there was a spin-off of Doctor Who recently called Class, which ran for a series, and I think it looks

as if it'll never come back. And there was a couple of characters in that who I thought were brilliant. One of whom was a sinister slightly dangerous character with a heart of gold, I thought. Well, not gold, but maybe bronze. Called Miss Quill.

Who was a teacher and also an alien thing. And who is that played by? Catherine Kelly? I think she was a soap star. I know her. She's doing Coronation Street, Frank. And I thought the two of those.

So you have a companion who's a bit dodgy, who you can't quite trust, who'd be really interesting. And there was another girl called... She's called April in that. Right. And she was played by, actually, Sophie Hopkins. You see, I'm going very different.

I'm going old man. Ah, well, I'm all for that. To balance out this political correctness gone mad. Exactly. I'm going old man. John McCrurick. Is that what you're doing? That would be good balance.

To balance it out. He looks a bit like a... And he's got that deer stalker. He's already got a sort of character's hat. I like John McCruric. So she wouldn't be called the Doctor or Doctor. She'd be called the boobie. Ruby. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. We've heard from the outside world a bit. Paul in Thame. Is it Thame? Thame Accordor? No, Thame with a M. T-H-A-M-E. Maybe, is he in the Thames?

Maybe. Like Roland Riffron. He wrote, he didn't get to the S, he drowned. Anyway, we'll read his text. But Dr. Scrooge. He had a chat show in the Thames once. I remember it well. I feel a bit foolish as I always thought that when young people use the expression sick,

it meant that they thought it was very good. Well, that is true. Now I know it's actually Latin, I feel that the future is in much safer hands. And that the accusation that modern education is in decline is rubbish. Perhaps they could make a square bracket sign with their fingers like we do with air quotes to make it clearer. Well, you could sort of make a permanent one. I'm doing one.

I'm doing one now, which is a bit of a waste of time. We'll put it on the social media, so we'll do it in a square bracket. Oh, the of time. We'll put it on the social medias. We'll do in the square brackets. Oh, the social medias. We probably will. I don't know. It's just a vehicle for bullying. That's a new catchphrase that you're working on, isn't it?

I got... Someone sent me a... Oh, no. What? Email the other day, and when I opened it, it was a dead leg. Oh, no. Anyway, carry on. That's it.

I've read Paul in theme. It would be great if the street talk, if someone had the bright idea of making all the street talk Latin. Oh. Wouldn't that be cool? That would be great, wouldn't it? I think it could be an inn for the Catholics.

Yeah. Dominate that street. I very much, yeah, dominate for Biscum. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Can I, so you were about to tell us... Oh, well, I didn't have any... I mean, I have to say, I was thinking an elderly gent might be nice.

Oh, yeah. Because I want the elderly to be represented. But not McCruric. I'm approaching that. Well, I don't know, McCruric. I mean, that's thrown me, because I quite like McCruric. Can I ask you a question about the elderly thing? You may.

Because to my horror, I would say probably eight people have said to me that their kids have stopped watching Doctor Who over the last three series. Because they couldn't identify with an older guy in the lead role. Really? Yeah.

And I mean people, smart people with smart, you know, not really nice kids. And we mean, people, smart people, we're smart, you know, not really nice kids. And we had to put up with William Hartnell love. I love William Hartnell. That's what I mean. He's Gen Ys.

No, but I think then, then we didn't mind. But I think, you know, people had had Tennant, Matt Smith, and they didn't. Now, Capaldi, I think, was, well, obviously,

he was magnifico. Yeah. And I think it's... Is that more Latin? But that's kind of... It's sort of... I don't think there'll ever be anyone in their 50s ever again of any gender or race ever again.

I think that's been... Oh, do you think so? Well, on telly. And don't you think that ageism is one of the most neglected of the isms? Yeah. I think people quite take it seriously. No, I don't. So, what I'm...

In fact, I make a living from it of an evening quite often. I wish now... I mean, I like Jodie. I'm very pleased about J. Witt, J. Witt. I wish now... She's a young lady. I taped my granny cheering when Capaldi got the job. Oh, yeah.

And put that on. And how many likes would that have got? None! Why can't the young people just get involved with the old guy doing the... Goldie got the job. Oh, yeah. And put that on. And how many likes would that have got? None. Why can't the young people just get involved with the old guy doing the Doctor Who thing? Why can't they use empathy? What happened to that? I know.

Why do they have to be the same gender, roughly the same age group? I mean, come on. What if I had to good old-fashioned empathy? That's my catchphrase that I'm working on. I would associate the elderly with greater wisdom. Generally. I'm not saying always. But a wise old owl.

That's what I want to see. I've got one word for you. Brexit. Hey, I'll tell you what. A wise old owl would be a great Doctor Who partner. Is that what you're suggesting? I think Harry Potter would be Harry Potter. Harry Potter.

As would bagpuss. I don't think they've got the ownership on owls, these people. Was there an owl in Bagpuss? Have I made that up? Yes, Professor Yaffles. But Emily loved him. Well, that's why I know his name. Oh, right. On the subject of gender difference, can I run this by you?

I know it's a tough one, but hold on a minute. I strive my whole life... How are you feeling, Al? I strive my whole life to be a liberal, right? Do you? And I've just managed to get my... Extraordinary news. I'm working hard at it.

Ever since that wave from that Labour politician. And I've just managed to grasp the concept that gender difference is archaic pigeonholing, which is no longer relevant in the 21st century. And then I've got to put a picture of my daughter celebrating because there's a female doctor who don't make no sense. Yeah. So what's going on? What's that noise?

I'm sorry, I think that's the Greenham Common Association setting fire to the building. You've got to say my feminist references are hot off the press. Very good. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Don't whisper,

it's rude. It is rude to whisper. Can I tell you what I was whispering about, Frank? Go on. It's top of the hour, though, so... Oh, sorry, Frank. I have to say, those people whispering are Emily Dean and Alan Coffin. And they're with Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had a couple of texts in. Oh, ouchies. We've just received one from 771. I said just, it was 8 minutes ago Emily was talking about Professor Yaffle, the owl from a television show just before the break

and this text says Professor Yaffle was a woodpecker, no owl I know, how could I forget that here he comes you're going to have to press it. But we've all made mistakes. Oh, yes, sorry. Hold it, hold it.

Yeah. Correzione, correzione, ole, ole, ole. That is sick. I wasn't a big watcher of Bagpuss because... You were on the Central Reservation at the time, I believe. I mean, it's bad enough with all sorts of fools now being television stars, but when a show's built around a pyjama case... Yeah.

But when you said that, I thought, I remember the source of wisdom being like an angular figure. I don't like the going back in time and analysing when it happened. I don't mean Angela Merkel. I mean very sort of, not much wood on him, if you know what I mean. Oh no, he was in shape. Oh, what a yaffle.

Owls. Owls are generally stout in appearance. No, they love their curves, owls. They do, yeah. They do. I've got to give them that. Anyway, I can only apologise. Very pleased. And I went out with an owl, you might remember, as I was talking about last night.

Of course, yeah. Forgot about that. Okay, so you can stop with the yaffle texts. Alright. Take it on the chin. You were very happy to join in with Alan's shaming. Yes, indeed.

I'm not going to lie, I was, Frank. And I deserve this moment. Well, I've got one lined up now. Surely I've got some terrible error I'm going to make. Oh, yeah. Ideally. We'll see how it goes. Ideally.

What we need is a nice non-controversial subject to talk about. What about the BBC pay structures? Do you want to discuss that, do you? Why not? Oh, I love it. I mean, it feels awkward. Why? Hashtag orcs.

Is it hashtag orcs? How do you feel, Frank? How do you feel about it? I'm fine with it. You're fine with it? I am. I mean, I think as they've... I'm not on it, so I don't care.

I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah. No, but we still love you. I'm not on it. I think I did care. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah. No, but we still love you. I'm not on it. I think I did three jobs for the BBC in that time period, and I got 48 grand for each one of them, so I'm just under the radar. There was some shock.

I got it in cash as well, so I don't have to declare it. To be fair to the BBC, I think they have said, haven't they, that they have been striving and working hard to try and bring wages, some sort of parity between male and female wages. And they've been struggling to do that ever since they found out they were having to expose the wages. Yes.

Absolutely, yes. So it's a great motivator, the exposure. I'll tell you who I felt sorry for. Adam Woodyat. Did you? Well, I mean, they've taken the best years of his life who I felt sorry for. Adam Woodyer. Did you? Well, I mean, they've taken the best years of his life. That guy's got bags under his eyes. I've never seen the like.

They've ruined him. Stinks of fish and chips. And, let's face it, he looks angry in every single show. Yeah. He doesn't look happy. And he's not... I mean, I appreciate it's a lot of money.

It is a lot of money he's on. But when you consider they've taken the best years of his life... He's on more than PCAP, isn't he? No, he's on the same as PCAP. Well, that can't be right! He runs a chip shop in EastEnders. No, he doesn't. Doesn't he?

He pretends to run a chip shop in EastEnders. He's got a lot of lines to learn. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that is the volume of those soap operas. Letitia Dean, still in the 200k bracket. Nice work, love. Yeah. Look, I think the general thing with wages,

you get what you can get, don't you? Everybody does. Everybody does that. Yeah. Or if you can get 110, then have 110. Yeah, good luck. Good luck to you is what I think. Yeah, totally.

Charlie from Casualty. Oh. He's one of the highest paid ones, isn't he? I think he's the highest paid actor on the BBC. Yeah. He's, er... I was so proud of him. Remember, he's living in constant risk of MRSA.

Yeah. He just wears his scrubs and looks anxious. He spends most of that on that hand wash sanitary cleanser, doesn't he? That's what he's doing. One thing, God, if I go to a hospital now, I better wash my hands 50 times. There's just a dispenser everywhere. Why waste it?

Grimace 400, Frank. If I know. Grimace 400? Is that some terrible... Mr Grimshaw. Yeah, he used to. I don't care. I don't mind what Mr Grimshaw I don't care I don't mind what they're getting you don't care

do you think all of them are getting as much as they can well they're getting as much as they possibly can that's the game so did you read all of these stories and think welcome to show business love some of them were a bit surprising yeah some people I've thought

well it's a bit like when I see William with Kate. I thought, he did well. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, some of them I thought, wow, he must have a really good agent. Oh, it's definitely a battle of the agents to read it, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. But I don't like this idea that they're now going to downgrade men's pay

to put it on parity with women's. You don't. Isn't the thing to lift... Is that what they're doing? Aren't they lifting the women's pay? No. They're taking down the men's. Oh. Oh, you get a pay cut. There seems to be a general philosophy where we can't pay women this much.

We'll have to take everybody's down. That's a good point. And it is. Obviously, they're not worth that much. Yeah. Some of them, though. I mean, I could have hogged Claire Balding. Oh, I know. I could have hogged Claire Balding

and offered her agent safe sanctuary in an attic before Claire Balding got hold of them. Yeah, Claire Balding really needs to investigate who Tess Daly's agent is, I think. I think she's on, like, double. No, but she was the one on the whole list. I thought, surely Claire Balding's got it. That was a low blow.

Yeah, she should be on tons. I'm thinking we maybe should have a collection for her. We could do one of those £2.99 a month. Please give generously. Yeah, we could. We'd have a shot of her. For just £1 a month. Please give generously. Yeah, we could. We'd have a shot of her. For just £1 a month. Yeah.

You can get some sort of vague parity for this woman. I think, why don't we do that? Yeah. Balding in need. We're allowed to start. Can we do that? Yeah, yeah, let's do it. No, but she's the one.

I mean, I was looking and thinking, no, yeah, and then I thought, oh, Claire. I did honestly. Gilbert O'Sullivan. That just, yeah, yeah. And then I thought, oh, Claire. I did honestly. And Gilbert O'Sullivan. That just, yeah, exactly. It just felt wrong. Yeah.

Kickstart. We could kickstart. What do you think? I like it. Let's give it a go. Free justice. Justice for Bondi. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. There's been some funny responses to this BBC pay thing. I've especially enjoyed the people that are furious that that Charlie guy from... Is it Holby or Casualty? Is he on Casualty? Yeah. And people are furious

that he's on, you know, such a massive amount of money for pretending to be a nurse, and are genuinely comparing it to real nurses, which is which I think is funny. It's a good point. No, it's not. It's a terrible comparison. Like, do they watch James Bond and think, wow,

real spies must drive Aston Martins and get paid six million quid per... Or does Peter Capaldi, real doctor, what they're getting? You know, there are sometimes, some people are a bit too stupid for this information. That's the bottom line.

Imagine if you had to get the same as your character. So Frank got the engineer's wage. Yeah, but what is the engineer's wage? This is what some people are saying, as if it's logic. It's the same as if it's space. It'd be hard to work that out. Whatever it is, I think your agent got you a good deal.

Yeah, totally. I don't mean actually for Doctor Who. I just mean in space. But it doesn't include people who do work for independent companies. Yeah, some people aren't on the list that are obviously getting a lot of money. I mean, I bet if you put all the money people get, I bet you the highest paid woman in the BBC is Mrs Brown. Very good.

I would bet that is definitely the case. You're so gender fluid and I love that. I like that. I thought you were going to say Mary Berry, who's not on the list, but I bet she's getting a pretty penny. Well, no, that's because it's a production company. I agree.

And also, she follows the Nazarene. Do you know what I'm going to say about Mary Berry? I think she's having a cake and eating it. Lovely! I love that. That was quite Steve Wright in the afternoon, the way we did it. Oh, he's on a packet. Oh, isn't he?

I know, but Steve Wright's been doing that show since the old King. Oh, all right. Wright apologist. Year served should be contributing, shouldn't it? The Wright stuff over there. Like a trade union guy. Year served. There's year served.

Exactly, yeah. Last in, first out. This is like at the boxing when everyone looked to Frank as a moral arbiter. We're going to go down the list and Frank will say, no, no, to be fair, he's done his time. I like Steve Wright. Yeah, look how much Charlie the nurse has worked his way up.

He's still a nurse. You'd think he'd have done some night school and become a doctor by now. I'm so proud of our family friend Hugh Quashley's on that list. Thank you. Oh, good. Now, I thought this Strictly thing, Mike, there was obviously Tess and Claudia,

but then isn't it a bit awks that Bruno and Len, 200 to 249, Craig and Darcy, 150. I know, that's going to cause trouble. Really? Is it because those two do the American version? I think so. And they get some sort of extra because they're international stars.

Moral Arbiters done it again. And also Darcy's new on there, isn't she? So that could be lasting first out. And also Bruno, he doesn't get a chair, I don't think. No. I just can't imagine Craig is the type to be like, you know, so lavy about it. I think there might be a bit of fuss about it. There could be handbags at the horn about that.

Still keep Darcy Bustle on her toes. Very good. Oh, man! That's why I'm getting the big... Oh. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We're discussing the Battle of the Sexes here on Absolute Radio. No, we're not. We're discussing... Well, I suppose you're right, it is a bit of that, but it's also... You never hear of the Battle of the Sexes anymore. No. Whatever happened to? Not really. But it's also about... But it's still going on, ladies and gentlemen.

It is. It is. As we found out this week and there's also some strange payments going out as well I'll tell you what though the word broadcaster I've seen myself described as a broadcaster and I've never felt so ashamed

you don't like broadcaster why do you hate it so much because Frank doesn't like anything other than comedians. Does he like comics as well? A broadcaster is someone on TV or radio who doesn't do any real damage. Oh, OK. I mean, one of those people you think,

if you had to define what they did, you'd struggle a bit. It's a sort of a presence, a sort of being there. What do they do then? They just pop up on things? Well, they talk, they say stuff, but not stuff you're going to repeat to anybody else. So would they pop up on the BBC Breakfast?

And then they moan that they're only getting 300,000. They don't pop up, they're everywhere. They're like the backdrop. They're like the extras. If we're named characters, they're the extras that are going on. But they are. Turns out, and I thought, fair enough, we need the, you know, you need a

bit of, you need a set to work against. And good luck to them. Good luck to anyone who's making a living. But when I see what some of them are getting for basically reading out loud. It is reading out loud, a lot of it. And I know reading out loud has become a rarer talent than it was maybe 30 years ago.

But even so, I think even more of them for their good fortune. I like the idea that many people across the country saw these fees, some of which are eye-watering, and they would have gone, for crying out loud, whereas you read them and thought, for reading out loud. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

What about this? What about this for a complication? Alan Shearer's on half a million a year. Is he? Is he? OK. I read 400. Well, it said 400 to 5, I think. Oh, with those weird ones, to 599.

But, you know, here's the thing. Alan Shearer's agent is a woman. So should we say, should we celebrate her tenacity and know-how that she has got? She's got him in a big box. A woman has gone into this so-called, you know,

this bastion of maleness and put a foot down and got him the top dollar. Yeah. That's what they started that was the BBC offered do you think the board of the BBC

are just massively relieved that Jeremy Clarkson's gone because it would have been even more eye watering were he to have remained do you think so I think he had even more than Chris Evans no one's got more than Evo I think Chris Evans fee

included like an extra bonus for nearly killing Top Gear didn't it Chris Evans. No one's got more than Evo. I think Chris Evans' fee included an extra bonus for nearly killing Top Gear, didn't it? Wasn't that like... Nearly killing the producer. Anyway, I want to know something about Alan Cochran's life. Oh yeah, me too. Because he'll be off to Edinburgh soon.

Never mind Alan Shearer, what about Cochran? I shall be part... Yeah, how much do you get, Al? For Edinburgh? Oh, me too. Because he'll be off to Edinburgh soon. Never mind Alan Shearer. What about Cochran? I shall be part... Yeah, how much do you get, Al? For Edinburgh? Oh, Chris Evans. As I said earlier, I did three gigs. What about when Chris Evans actually asked people that on air? Can I just say, I've just seen an advert for Ross Kemp's new series,

which is called Extreme World. Yes. And he did extreme gangs and extreme prisons and extreme... And I think what he's done now, he's got a lot of stuff left over. And what I need is a catch-all title for all this extreme material. I've got it. Extreme world. Then he can put anything in as long as it's extreme.

Extreme, yeah. Can I ask you a question? Was he wearing a tight-fitting black T-shirt with sleeves rolled up three times? And I'll tell you, someone else wore it well. Did he have the bulletproof vest? No, just the black T-shirt with sleeves rolled up three times. And I'll tell you, someone else wore it well. Did he have the bulletproof vest? No, just the black T-shirt. Sadly, he didn't have 20 Embassy tucked in the sleeve. Sometimes one of those...

I bet he had a Timberland. One of those Middle Eastern scarf things that he's got on. Oh, yeah. Oh, Al, you've got it in one. Timberland. Timberland. And jeans, but not faded jeans, still quite dark blue. Right, yeah.

Yeah, because he dry-cleans them. He dry-cleans his jeans. Yeah, he jeans, still quite dark blue. Right, yeah. Yeah, because he dry cleans them. He dry cleans his jeans? Yeah, he seems the type. No way, nobody dry cleans jeans. He's never unkempt. Very good. I love Ross Kemp, he's a top, top guy. Anyway, we should go over...

He is, he's really good. We need to go over to the life of Alan Cochran. He's got some stories. Yes, I'll bet he does. The life of Alan Cochran is up and down at the moment. Why? Previewing your stand-up. You know, the new stand-up, when you're trying it out,

it's up and down. There are many broken... It's a boulevard of broken dreams. I find that I go through phases with the invention of New Joe. I'm sure we've talked about many of your stony ground moments over the years, haven't we, Frank? Well, of course, there are many to choose from. Also the victories as well.

But I think what happens is I have an emotional thing. When I invent a new joke, I have hope, like, oh, I think this is going to really work. And then I have a weird moment of paranoia, thinking, hang on, that came into my head too easily. I'm really worried it's somebody else's. Sometimes I will then Google the joke to see if it already exists and people are saying, I saw so-and-so say this and it's great. And then I try it and it can sometimes lead to just total disappointment.

I'll give you an example. Okay. Because I can see you look... Do you know, when you said that, Al, I've never seen such childish glee on a man's face. And that makes me happy. Let me just make myself comfortable in this chair. Yeah, me too. I'm settling down.

When I thought of this joke, I thought that is going to be one of the best jokes in the new show. I'm really looking forward to trying it out. And I've tried it out, I think, three times. Okay. And let me tell you, before I tell you it, it has died. It has just got nothing. Ouch.

Do you want a genuine response? All three times. And then once, one bloke laughed like it was the best joke he's ever heard in his life. So how can you judge it on that? Well, maybe we can be the judge it but one guy has i was talking about the pain of tattooing and i said you know it's strange isn't it people are scared of the pain of being tattooed but the pain is the same whatever you're getting tattooed on you it's one of the few times in life that an adult is exactly this is exactly the same amount of afraid of barbed wire and a butterfly.

Nothing! Nothing! Except for this one guy. And I'm delighted to say I've had to drop it in favour of stuff that is... Play a song, Frank, play a song. Hurry, hurry. Go on, hurry. No, I'm not to say I've had to drop it in favour of stuff that is right. Play a song, Frank, play a song. Hurry, hurry. Go on, hurry. No, I'm not in any hurry.

That's so terrible. I mean, when I thought of that, I really thought that's going to be one of the best in the new show. It's a cruel business. Oh, brutally cruel at times. It's a complicated joke. Now you see why these people get the top dollar. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Ian Angle has texted about my joke. First of all, he said, perhaps transfer that joke to another show. You know, like, transfer.

And then he said, on second thoughts, Alan, you could make that the Edinburgh tattoo joke. Oh, yes, that's good. I mean, I think I will have other Edinburgh tattoo jokes in there. I've got other tattoo jokes that are working. Oh, OK. But the reason that I picked that is because of self-flagellation for entertainment. I just, I still don't understand why people don't...

OK, can I explain to you? One bloke in, and I remember the room very well, it was upstairs in a pub in Manchester and I was doing a gig and he absolutely loved it. And I even said to him, you know, no one's liked that so far except you. I think he must have misheard it. Ow!

I'm actually clutching my stomach, Frank. Agony! Well, you know, it's very, it happens. You have to separate the wheat from the chaff when you're building a show. As a fellow comic, I mean, I'm obviously a spectator here,

which is a wonderful position to be in. I can already predict how Frank feels about it. Gleeful. Gleeful. What was the emotion? It's a mix. What's the emotion running through your head? So when Alan says the joke, and then he says,

butterfly and barbed wire. Butterfly and barbed wire. And then, well, let's go over to Frank's mind, like numbskulls all working. What are they doing? Well, I think it's great that we... I mean, I've talked about many foul gags on here, so I don't feel bad about it.

I think... I'm excited by the process, because I do know that when people go and see the Cockerels Edinburgh show, it'll be absolutely top-notch. And I like the process. I like the ups and downs and yeah and that thing when you really believe in a joke you can't wait to tell it you're straining at the least you tell it and just get nothing told you there's a gleefulness okay can i explain my

confusion is the butterfly i mean i'm just saying i'm no expert get tattoos of butterflies and they wouldn't hurt if they're on your arm, but barbed wire would. But maybe a rose. That's the central premise. I associate that more. I mean, I'm no Akora, I'm more the Sam character here. A rose would hurt, though, because then barbed wire and a rose, they're reasonably similar in their pain thresholds, aren't they?

Exactly. Oh, I see. Aren't they? I mean, what you're doing is you're making it worse. I didn't think we could make my joke worse, but you have. I'm quite happy about that. I like that you've workshopped it down. I'm so useful in writers' rooms.

And, of course, the tragedy of this is Alan can't tell us about the jokes that have worked because he doesn't want to pre-empt them. Saving them for best. Exactly. Like a nice outfit. Yeah, it's like the front room. Yeah, yeah. But there are jokes that are working.

So will you keep it in now that you've tried it on us? No, we won't keep that in. Well, let him decide, Frank. He might do. No, I'm trying to help. The only way I would keep that in is for stuff like this. If I was to discuss how hard it is to write jokes that work, I would keep it in for that.

You could workshop it. Yeah, yeah, but I'm not going to. Yeah? I'm just, you know... And now you've got a little PS that I made it worse. Yeah, yeah. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I need a marketing campaign. It's quite hard to... Do you? For the show? Yeah, it's quite hard to sell a stand-up show just as, like, another...

You know, I'm an alright stand-up. Better than alright. I'm a good stand-up at the Edinburgh Festival, but you think that's a description that loads of people are going up with. It's not really a marketing campaign, is it? A lot of people know you are, but... Do you think I need a gimmick? Well, now you've that's a description that loads of people are going up with. It's not really a marketing campaign, is it? A lot of people know you are, though. Do you think I need a gimmick?

Well, now you've gone on the Instagram. Well, you've got a beard. You know, there's those people who've got a hat. I regard a beard pretty much as a gimmick. Is it a gimmick? Or is it just laziness? No, it's a gimmick. Nowadays, it's so often accompanied with no sock. Well, they used to have it in

Spotlight with beard, without beard. They did. When I got my hair cut yesterday, the man offered to trim my beard a bit, and he trimmed the moustache bit, and then he leaned back, and with a very satisfied air, he went, you can have ice cream now. Welcome to my world.

Meaning, like, it won't all get caught in your moustache. Oh, I thought he meant that Abraham Lincoln ate a lot of ice cream. I've often dreamed of the beard with the no moustache. Oh, I thought he meant that Abraham Lincoln ate a lot of ice cream. I've often dreamed of the beard with the no moustache, like the Amish beard. Oh, it gives me the creeps, doesn't it? Hey, that could be a publicity thing, couldn't it, if I went for an Amish beard? What's the title of your show?

Alanish Cochranish. Okay. Yeah, I like that. I thought you could have called it No Moustache or something. No Moustache? Sans Moustache. But pictures of you with a beard and the No Moustache. OK.

It would have been like the... Hang on, that's your publicity for me. Am I sure? No Moustache. Just let me write that down. You know, I'm thinking on my feet. No Moustache. Yeah.

It'll be top notch. Anyway, I know it. All fingers crossed. No, I don't need to. As long as you keep that joke out. Yeah, yeah. Keep it out. Yeah.

I'm actually keeping it separate from the rest of the jokes, just in my head. It's in quarantine. I'd say like so much, bar boy, it's in no man's land. Yeah. Anyway, I look forward to hearing the ones that worked what about that

me too for a nice positive ending that's so lovely between you two oh dear there was part of me when you said it

and there was that silence I wanted to go bum bum well done for resisting darling it would be it would be one of the most inappropriate bum bums

at the end of a joke. Who says comics can't be friends? Exactly. What's it Lee Mack said to me? The sort of friends that go to your birthday party but they wouldn't go to your funeral. Oh, ouch. I don't know quite what he meant by that, but...

I haven't been to his funeral. Strange note to end the show on. This isn't the last link. But I love a strange note. It is, that's it. Oh, my. We're ending on Lee Mack's funeral. I'd rather end on barbed wire and the rose.

I could do it again if it helps. It wasn't a rose. It was a butterfly. You've spoilt it. I haven't spoilt it. I've reworked it. Anyway, look, George Godfrey is up next. And thank you so much for listening today.

And you best bring on the feathers quickly. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from eight. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.