The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Next Ren

Episode Date: November 4, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team discuss Halloween, The Bake off spoiler and fake booze.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning Jim. Morning. Morning Peter. Morning Richie.

I just raised my seat to create a bit more eye contact with my radio colleagues there. I was feeling like the seat was too low. I like to think that when you look at me, it's eye-con-tact. Yeah, that was how it was spelled. That's not what I said. Obviously, the tact.

When I got to tact, I thought, oh, no, they're not so relevant. But the first bit, I was pleased with. But, you know, it started. Well, that's what it's all about. Yeah. Happy, is there something happening? What is it? Saturday.

Happy Saturday, guys. And you. Happy Postal Souls Day. What? Yes. Yeah. Postal Souls, did you say? Yeah, anyone in the post office, congratulations.

Yeah, doing a great job office, congratulations. Yeah. Doing a great job. They are. Kind of. It's easier than it was, isn't it? What do you mean? Well, I mean, there used to be so many letters, but now people just, you know... We were so dependent on them now. These are males. Then, I mean, now we've got other means. Isn't there anyone

in the world that thinks they're called males and has never heard anything to the contrary. Oh, maybe. If you're that person, 8, 12, 15. It was Halloween, of course, as you suggest, this week, which is a big deal in our house. Is it?

Oh. My five-year-old son puts the decorations up, I'd say, end of September. Does he? And they grow. Every time I come in, there's a new big spider. We went out and did the pumpkin thing. But the thing is the trick-or-treating. What did he dress up as then?

Well, we both dressed as Kylo Ren. What's Kylo Ren? Kylo Ren is the son of... Oh, no, perhaps I better not say this in case people haven't seen The Force Awakens. Anyway, he's the new bad guy in Star Wars. Okay. And we both dressed in the same outfit.

Oh, like a couple's costume. I like that. Father and son. I know, I like it. I like to think of him as Next Ren. Nice. For new readers, Chris Eubank calls his son

Next Gen, so just a little footnote there for you. You can laugh and leave a space for you to laugh now at that joke. Okay, one thing I did, I got into my Kylo Ren outfit and sneezed

quite heavily with the mask on. Oh yeah. It never occurred to me that is for the next hour it's like I had half a pound of liver

on my face from this like clammy and I thought, remember I said to you recently, trying to go for reality in films

but no one ever sneezes. Oh, yeah. Unless it's a big plot point. And I thought, yeah, he never sneezes in The Force Awakens. No. He never says, you know, I will get that girl and that droid, or I will... Oh, it's gone.

Get that girl and that... Never happens. Might in the blooper reel. Oh, it's gone. Get that girl and that... It never happens. Might in the blooper reel. Oh, I hope so. He might get a frog in his throat. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'll tell you what happened.

We went to David Baddiel's house, which is on my road. To trick or treat. Oh, I see. So I saw you both later, which we'll get to, but you had a whole other Halloween going on beforehand, which I quite like. Yeah, my we'll get to, but you had a whole other Halloween going on beforehand, which I quite like. Yeah, my Halloween starts at about half five. Yeah, it's like the Oscars for you.

Yeah, so we went, we knocked on Dave's door and his partner, the lovely Milwena Banks came out. But of course, we were both Kylo Ren. So it was an interesting opportunity to find out if one of your friends, who's nice to you, is also nice to strangers. Oh, yes. Very good undercover work.

Turns out, I thought she's a little bit nicer. Oh, really? That's right. You know, there's less baggage. Did he say, hello, and give you some sweets? I'll tell you what he... I'll tell you what he... I'll tell you what... No, it was Muenru who came to my door.

Oh, it was Muen, yeah. But I'll tell you what was brilliant. There's a thing... There's a John Wayne spoken word album. You probably know it. Sure. And there's a thing about Republic, it's called, and it's John Wayne talking about how...

It's music. Everything is music. And John Wayne talking about how it's music everything is music and John Wayne talking over the top of it, it's a brilliant album, there's a bit called The Hyphen, there's a track called The Hyphen and he says there's a little thing called The

Hyphen, it's caused a hell of a lot of trouble in this world and I thought this is John Wayne getting heavy on grammar. And then you realise, there's no such thing as a Spanish-American or a Chinese-American. There's just an American.

That was the whole, that's his anti-hyphen thing. Anyway, he talks about the word republic, and he says, when I hear the word republic, I feel like a man feels when he watches his son shave for the first time brilliant oh i miss john wayne i have to say and i felt a bit like that because um mawena was giving buzz um the sweets and all that yeah and he he realized that our masks had fallen and it it was the first time, for the very first time,

and it was a special moment for me, the first time Boz said, do you know who I am? Oh, so proud. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, 511, post office does not deliver mail. That is royal mail.

And they put a kiss afterwards. Thanks for the kiss. Wow. Mr Passac. The post... Or Mrs. Or Mrs. The post office doesn't deliver mail.

Doesn't. What? Royal mail. Are they two separate companies that work together? And share a surname, by great coincidence? That, as... She was a nice woman, that Sarah Sherna. Remember her?

Well, it's both male, essentially. Post office surname isn't male, though, is it? I'm not saying it's the exact same surname. I'm just saying they share... They do that job, don't they? I think post office is the place where they have the counters and you can get your forms and do all that stuff all right boyfriend of 511 yeah no but i'm genuinely shocked by that so the post office doesn't

deliver mail you could knock me down with oh who can't think there's no there's no um with... Oh, who? What? I can't think. There's no big celebrities that you can mention anymore without putting your career on the line. That's true, yeah. So I'm going to say With a Feather. Yeah. With Barry McGuigan.

That's what's up to comedy. Into the world of cliche. That's what's up to comedy. That's comedy. Okay. So, yes, we both went as Kylo Ren on the things. Yeah. Well done.

And interesting for me, of course, were we not recognised by friends, we weren't recognised by anyone. So no one came up to me in the street. I was just some bloke dressed as Kylo Ren. How was that for you? I hated it. Yeah, I thought you might.

I couldn't live like that again. Couldn't you? No. You need the cloak of celebrity. I couldn't live like that again. Couldn't you? No. You need the cloak of celebrity. I don't so much want a cloak as a lighting rack. No, I don't want to be... Don't make me go back there, as I think they say in When Harry Met Sally.

No, I didn't like that at all. I'll tell you what I didn't like. You know when I latch on to a gag that delights me, I will say it a hundred times. Yeah, I think we know that. Oh, yes. Boz is dairy-free at the moment. Right.

And so it's a slight problem trick-or-treating, because he can't have chocolate. So he's very good. People bring out a bowl of sweets and he was picking his way through finding like Haribo's and stuff. Yeah, okay. Clever.

But it was quite, it's quite gloomy on our road. Right. When you get to the top end of our road, it's quite gloomy. And I must have said 20 times, in my car, I read out to him,

oh, it's a little bit on the dark side I just kept saying that it's difficult to be in because it's a bit on the dark side it gave me such I like the idea of Kylo Ren being dairy free as well

I think that's good on a Star Wars character's dairy free well I imagine he's quite anal, you know, quite strict, a bit of a control freak. Okay, yeah. I don't think that would be overstating in that case. But perhaps the round-up to this story is I took Buzz to school the next morning

and there was still a few pumpkins and stuff about outside houses. And he said to me, it's interesting, he said, it's over now, Halloween, he said, for another year, but I can still feel the terror. Oh. Lovely. Oh.

Oh, I love a bit of post-fear residual. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I got to see Frank's costume for the party yeah

we went to Jonathan Ross's Halloween party and I've got to say I mean he walked in and Kath said your Kath said have you seen Frank

and he was wearing a black wig on and a sort of pantsuit essentially I mean it was quite Leslie Joseph and then Jonathan Ross said he looks like you in five years but he was carrying one little detail

he's left out well I know I didn't take that on the trick or treat. That was best. He brought a lilo. No. Hmm. So hang on. Black wig.

He was Kylo Ren, but he was carrying a lilo. Oh, like Lilo Ren. Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I did that pun. Visual pun. David Baddiel came up to me and said, has Frank Skinner come as a pun?

Yes. As a what? A pun. As a pun. I was a pun. He was a pun. I did come as a pun. And I was trapped in that pun all night, of course.

It's a big thing to carry around. A Lila. I think you carried it off, though, Frank. Well, at least it was quite light. I was so glad I hadn't filled it with a bread dough. Which was my initial thought. Yeah. But yes, I thought this will be funny.

The thing is, I've got the most fabulous Kylo Ren lightsaber at home. Have you? And Buzz said to me, take my lightsaber tonight. I said, no, it's all right. I've got something sorted. He was a bit offended. I've got something. Did you say, I've got something pretty, pretty special up my sleeve?

I thought this will bring the house down. Well, it made me laugh. Well, a lot of people come up to me and said, why has Darth Vader got a Lila? Because they didn't even know Kylo Ren was a bit like Alan Cochran didn't when I mentioned him yeah I don't so that would be

if there's anyone listening who's writing the next Star Wars film I think that would be a good angle Kylo Ren getting mistaken annoyingly oh Darth Vader no actually I'm not Darth no... Oh, Darth Vader! No, actually,

I'm not Darth... No, no, I know Darth Vader! I like the refurb. No, no, no, no, I'm not actually... Oh, the chest's cleared up. No! It's not me! I think that would be

a great little scene in it. Oh, I thought you were about to pitch to the Star Wars people that they should have a... Why have you started saying Star Wars as well? Because I'm talking to Frank. Got to the Star Wars people that this should have a... Why have you started saying Star Wars? Because I'm talking too frank. Got to speak his language.

What do you say? Star Wars. When you say, what do you say, it's what it is. I thought you were going to pitch the idea that this should have Kylo Ren carrying a Lilo for the whole film. That'd be ridiculous. It was red. What I liked about it...

Well, it was red and it was like, you know when you go through those seaside towns and they're outside? It's the merch that's outside. Yeah, exactly. It was one of those. It wasn't like some big flashy one that Taylor Swift would have. Well, I went for red because the lightsaber is...

His lightsaber is red. Oh, OK. Oh, that was good. So, yeah, I thought about that. I thought you'd gone for red so that if people said, who are you here as, you could go Kylo Red. Oh, no, no, hang on.

Lilo Ren. Yeah, wasn't it? Did a double confusion. I'm afraid it didn't get that good. That could have been part of your patter other than the dark side. I just thought everybody knew Kylo Ren. I mean, come on, people. This was a media party.

They didn't know Kylo Ren. True. Media party. True. And then Danny Baker said to me... Who was he as? He always comes as a cardinal or something. Yeah, he was a cardinal.

He said to me... He said to me, you know what, that really suits you. Do you know it did? And I thought, so this is my look now. Sort of monk, black monk outfit with tights. I think I pointed out to you, Frank, why you looked good in that. Since you've gone fashion thin, you looked quite on the get work. You didn't look like bloke in fancy dress outfit.

You looked a bit Lagerfeld. I liked it. Yes. I've gone from Lagerlaut to Lagerfeld. 20 years, 20 long years. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

I once went to the... Oh, who's a famous fashion person? Versace. I once went to the Versace shop in Milan and tried on a pair of black leather dungarees with no intention of purchase. Just to see how that would be. And it really was quite...

I think they were quite wide at the side. There's an element of, for our older listeners, give me that ding. And it was like a clown. If you could imagine a sort of S&M clown. Yeah. I suppose. And I can.

All I need is a mirror. But yeah, I went in with no intention of purchase at all. I just thought, I wonder what they would look like on me. Yeah. And we should go at them. Yeah. I do as well. So maybe my look is some sort of real avant-garde fashionista look.

But I mean, I couldn't have carried that off in smethic. You just look quite high fashion. Yeah. With the boots, it was working for me. Funny old world, isn't it? Isn't it? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

So yeah, I went as Maleficent, so I had giant horns. Okay. And a cloak with a purple satin lining. Nice. Yeah, quite goth. Alan Carr went as the JC. Yeah, quite goth. Alan Carr went as the JC.

Oh, he did, he went as Gemma Collins. Yeah, he did. Did he get a tenner for turning up? Excellent. And then I had a bit of an embarrassing thing, well, I had a lot of embarrassing things, this was me after all, but I had a moment where I was chatting to Dynamo, as one does. Now, Dynamo would be rubbish at trick-or-treating.

Why? Because no one would give him a treat, would they? Yeah, they'd want a trick. They'd want the trick, definitely. Oh, that's true. It'd be a nightmare. He'd come back. No wonder he's thin.

He'd taste no sweets. He'd come and get any sweets. And he's there just working away, doing the tricks all night, thinking, I don't know why I go trick-or-treating every year. See, I've got mixed feelings about Dynamo, because you told me that you saw him at an event and he didn't do any magic. He did!

But then you told me that you saw him at another one and he did loads of brilliant magic. Yeah. So he doesn't fit the mould of a normal magician. He didn't do any magic for me at the Halloween party. Really? Well, give him a night off,

for goodness sake. No, I think that's great. Come on, that is not... That is not how magicians normally behave. Do I get a night off from being funny? No.

Well, I thought... 8, 12, 15. I thought Louis Theroux... I'll get the odd morning off, but I'm here. I saw Louis Theroux there and I thought he morning after I'm here. I saw Louis Theroux there, and I thought he should have made more of an effort, because he just had, like, a black tie on and a jacket.

And I saw him from afar over at the other centre. He was with Dynamo. He was talking to Dynamo. And I went to speak to Connie, and I said, Louis Theroux is over there. I've seen him. I spoke to Charlie Booker. He said, I didn't know he was here. I said, he is. I said, he's just got a suit on. And then I didn't realise it was a cardboard cutout that was chained to Dynamo. That was part of

his costume. So I went round basically criticising him for his lack of effort the whole night. Did you spot the cutout, Frank? No. I spoke to it for 20 minutes. I was fascinated as well, what a waste. Were you thinking,

Louis Theroux's not asking as many questions as usual? Well, it's always, you know, it's always quite understated. It looked so good. Really? Yes. So he brought Louis Theroux? He brought a thing?

What was the costume that included a full-length Louis Theroux? Well, Dynamo was dressed in an orange boiler suit, wasn't he? And he was chained to it, so possibly it was to do with the kind of work he does. Oh, I like that. You know, he goes into places and interviews. Oh, he goes into places. We all do. Prisons.

Maybe it was Gitmo, as they say. What about I made Frank a cup of tea, didn't I? Did you? Every year, 11 o'clock. You seem to. That's the story every year. It was a great party for refreshments. It was. My first ever. That's something only non-. It was a great party for refreshments. My first ever, I had... That's something only non-drinkers would say, by the way.

Yeah, I know. Nobody would drink, like, eight beers and then get... Really good party for refreshments last night. That's because they're not refreshing, are they? They're not refreshing, they're reforming their personalities. But me, I had a waffle burger. Oh, did you like that?

Not strictly named, it's a bit inaccurate. If something is a burger, I think it's what's in the burger. You know what I mean? Like a hamburger or a beef burger or a veggie burger. But a waffle burger was a burger on a waffle instead of on a cob, as we used to call them. Yeah. Right. And a waffle is quite a nice thing to eat,

a savoury, waffley burger thing. Is it? I'll tell you what struck me as well. Boz has got a little medieval castle at home. Yeah. And a waffle would make a lovely soft play portcullis. Yes.

That's lovely. I might install one of those to get a box. I believe, if I remember, I think if I'm looking for versatility, I think it's bird's eye potato waffles that I need. They are waffly versatile.

I believe they are waffly versatile. Yeah. Perhaps one of the great advert songs of all time, I thought. What about fried onion rings?

Oh. Oh, yes. Will they be? What about that one? We'll have to wait and see. Come on. You know the one when the cat goes

meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, and it does seem to be meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. When I got up last Sunday morning, for the first time I think I could ever remember, I didn't know anything about the clocks going back. Oh, really?

And it was a genuine surprise to me. You know when people miss things so they didn't put the clocks back? I've never done that. Something I'm quite, you know, always look out for. And I got up thinking, oh, I've got to wake up a lot earlier than I thought. It was my stomach. Actually, it was my stomach. Don't take credit for that.

Hey, come on. We don't want the stomach wars. I think they both went and yours lasted longer. Well done. Would it be stomach wars? Yeah. Yeah, so it was, I felt disgruntled about it. Did it impact on your day?

Did you notice? Because your phone changes just naturally now, doesn't it? That's one of the... Yeah, but I tell you what, I like just that once a year as well, you get the chance. I love going to bed thinking, oh, extra hour. Extra hour tonight. It's a lovely feeling.

I thought it was an hour less last week. Wasn't it? You got an extra hour? I think it goes back. No, we had extra hour, love. Extra hour, love. Oh, well, now the confusion has started. It feels suddenly I'm not the biggest fool on the hour front.

Yeah, yeah. No, it went, yeah, it goes back. Yeah. And so two o'clock becomes one o'clock. So of course that's an extra spring. I think I said that and my wife said no when our daughter wakes up. Instead of it being seven in the morning, it'll be six in the morning. And so you'll be awake.

Well, I wish I'd known Saturday night because I had quite an indifferent gig at Soho Theatre. I would have liked to have said something at the end. Look, you are going to get this hour back. I would have felt less guilty. But it was... But you know, like, I once bought my manager an expensive bottle of wine.

Lovely. 1961 Chateau Lafitte. Did you? And it's... I don't like anything with feet in the title that you're meant to consume. And it's one of the few occasions... What about pig's feet? Exactly, I'm not going to eat those, am I?

Do you like a trotter? No. Anyway, I... I had to tell him... I had to tell him I didn't have any pegs for a trotter fan either I had to tell him how much I'd paid for it because when you have that drink that's the thrill isn't it and going to bed knowing you've got an extra hour

that's when it's like next morning you've missed that moment what was his reaction when you told him how much you'd paid for it he was absolutely thrilled to bits I think first of all he thought, hold on, do I get any of that? No.

But no, it was... I was angry about it. I argued against it. I argued with my partner. I said, I think you've got this wrong. That was pathetic. But I still did that thing I do every year on that day. I still said, look at that, dark at five o'clock.

Oh, yeah, like last year. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from eight on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us, come on, on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. You know Twitter, much loved.

And email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had quite a middle class IEM, idiotic eureka moment. Oh, OK. Hi team, I never realised for years that the word marmite is the name

of a type of french casserole pot not only is there a picture of said pot on the label true dat

I've seen that but also the actual jar resembles a marmite pot as well I know I haven't solved the enigma machine or anything

when I found this out but i wonder what other products are also marketed in too highbrow a manner for ordinary people like me to understand live the show paul wood oh i think that's an auto correct on love the show i think it was but i wanted to read it out because i enjoyed it if it was praised we wouldn't have read it but i do like the idea that we live the show. Yeah, maybe live the show. Oh, we do. We could live the show, surely.

What a life that would be, yeah. So that's useful to know. That's a great... Texting, though, highbrow advertising things that have gone out of the people's heads. I mean, there will be some people that don't know HP sources out of Parliament, won't there? You took the words right out of my mouth.

Oh, did I? And I'm not even meatloaf. Great minds. Out of my mouth. Unfortunately, you left the carbohydrates. You've changed. Yeah, he's so changed. You've so changed.

On the golden, what's that tree called? Golden syrup. Oh, Lyles. Oh, Lyles golden syrup with the lion. Oh, he likes anything lion based. There's a lion, but it says on it, out of strength

comes sweetness or something like that. I think that might be from the Old Testament. Really? Isn't that right? I mean, how many people are getting that when they're getting... Who buys that? Does it still exist, that stuff? Yeah, you can buy that. I love syrup.

I think it's advertised on the television. Love a syrup. Yeah. You love a syrup. Yeah. We've also... Well, we're not the old... That's a part of a Bruce Forsyth obituary.

Yeah. We've also had a couple of texts. I wouldn't say full-on correction is, but they're not not either. Sorry to have shocked you earlier with the post office slash Royal Mail news. They separated in 2012 when Royal Mail went private.

That's from Nettie. I like they separated. Like some messy divorce. What I'd like to ask Nettie is, was there not a thing called Insignia or something like that? Yes. Was it Insignia or was it something similar? Consignia. They tried to rebrand the post office.

Or the Royal Mail. Yeah, I don't know. Who can say? Who can say? Yeah. Yeah. Consignia? I think so.

Monsignor? Consignor. It sounds like one of those terrible language tapes from the 70s. Monsignor Post, it could be called. It's just an Italian drama on BBC4 that you're talking about. Monsignor Post, it could be called. Is this an Italian drama on BBC Four that you're talking about? Monsignor Post.

Have you ever seen that? What's that Italian film about the postman? A film about the postman? Il Postino. Il Postino. Oh, I thought it was one of those

Robin Asquith 70s films. No, no, not one of those. It's just never happened to a postman. Confessions are. Confessions of a postie. Yes. I've got another one

that I think I might be injecting a slightly tetchy tone that doesn't exist here, but let's see what you think. Clocks going back does not save you an hour or lose an hour, as when you go to bed that night, it's the opposite. You're still asleep for the same amount of hours. Time is irrelevant. Live your work. All right, Descartes.

All right, Descartes. Yeah. Time is irrelevant quite a quite a heavy concept statement for commercial radio yeah

that's why we're doing the time checks on this show time is irrelevant wow wow I'm going to get a t-shirt with that on

yeah but I'm going to have it spelt t-h-y-m-e to sound like basically sort of anti-herb that rosen me in time yeah but I'm going to have it spelt T-H-Y-M-E to sell my anti-herb that rows me in time my theory that

the mixed herbs you could just have one pot called herbs because every herb tastes basically exactly the same it's just that herby taste you don't need all the variety just get herbs and then you're sorted. There you go.

In other words, time is irrelevant. That's what I'm getting at. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So Steve Amflet has tweeted us, re-Lyle's golden syrup. Ah, yes. The lion is dead and being feasted upon by bees.

Keep it light, Lyles. I don't want that on my syrup. Well, you know, there must always be a sigh of relief when there's a dead lion in the jungle. That can't be true, I don't think. I don't think bees eat lions. No, but that is the picture. Oh, is it?

Yeah, I think that's how sweetness comes out of strength or something. Oh, okay. I don't know. As you say, the whole point is the complicated concept for a golden syrup can. Yes. The Marmite thing, I've never heard of a French pop called The Marmite. Yeah, me neither. Of course, you know my Marmite thing, don't you?

So I heard David Frost on a satirical TV show did a joke. Marmite, hopeful pa. Right, yeah. Do you get it? I do get it because I've heard you explain it Oh I think we've discussed this before, yes, I know Well I had another Marmite story and I'll abandon that one

Oh don't Frank, I hate it when you lose your little confidence I don't want to go I don't want to go Repetition No but there'll be others who won't have heard it before Yes, but can we live our lives for others? So, 8, 12, 15. I, there was a thing.

Do you remember there was a, it's been quite a while ago, there was a Marmite shortage probably about 15 years ago. Oh, yes, I do remember, yeah. No one could get Marmite. And I was doing the chat show that I used to do, and so I did topical comedy, and a joke I was particularly pleased with was to say what they need to do is to get an enormous knife

and take it to the factory and just scrape out those bits at the corners. But it strikes me, it doesn't really work now because the squeezy Marmite thing has taken over. Nobody puts the knife in Marmite anymore. No, we still got a glass jar in our house. Yeah, me too, actually. Well, that's what I love about the North.

Tradition. They don't go squeezy. 8.57, re-clocks going back. I moved to Spain... What are 70s texting clocks going back? It is. Because it affected your life then because the phones didn't automatically update.

I moved to Spain 25 years ago and it was two weeks before I knew the clocks had changed. I thought the shops had just changed their hours for winter. Well, now I feel better about myself. That's brilliant. What a blow that must have been. Two weeks, though. Sort of dystopian nightmare territory, isn't it?

But time is irrelevant. Time is irrelevant. Well, exactly. Let's not forget that. We've also had a message from 420. Morning, Frank. Just need to drop in that whenever I listen to you now, I think of you as a multi-award winning radio presenter. Your accent confused me for a few seconds the other week after your award night.

I quite like that you're multi rather than multi. Oh, multi as in... Yeah. M-A-L-T-Y, yeah. Horlicks-y. You're a multi-award winner. Yeah. Horlicks.

Now, they've got... Are they highbrow? What have they got? Some nice sort of Victorian child, maybe? I think they've got a quote from Ezra Pound's Cantos. Oh, yeah. On the front. That's too highbrow for a malty drink.

I wish they were. Malty drinks, it is. Once you say it in the right way. Yeah. I like the idea of a malty drink. What would that be? That'd be a nice out, I suppose. I might the idea of a malty drink. What would that be? That'd be a nice out, I suppose. I might go out for a malty drink.

Yeah. Or when somebody puts accidentally a little bit of coffee into a cup of tea, you know, or stirs the tea with a coffee spoon. Oh. That's a malty drink, isn't it? Well, now,

I think you have to do one, Emily. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner. I think you have to do one Emily we've been talking about time going time changes people missing out on on the daylight saving you missed it last week is that what it's called? it's not in the winter is it? I think it's called consignia in the winter is it yeah i think

it's called consignia now that's right yeah it got rebranded in 2011 i believe um but i can't believe that we've mentioned it all that time but we've not mentioned prue leith's um what a mistake to make her very good that was joe dolce's follow-up single. I love it. I mean, she tweeted, I don't know if people, I mean, who doesn't know this? Could you call it a Miss Cake? Oh, very good. Oh, come on, Frank.

Very good. That's why you get the big bucks. You should really be a headline writer, because some of theirs were not great. But she tweeted the winner too early. She announced it. For the people that don't know, she announced Bake Off. She said, Al, what she said was,

Bravo, Sophie. And I haven't heard Bravo since my parents went to see Derek Jacoby at the National in the 70s. Well, I still hear it at the opera, I must say. I always love it. People shout it unironically. Yeah, I do like that. Excellent.

So she tweeted, Bravo, Sophie, and she was in Bhutan, I believe. Yeah. Where is that? No one goes there! It's sort of near Tibet and Nepal. Oh, is it?

But of the Himalayas. Have you ever met anybody who's been to Bhutan? I've been near. Is it referred to on Ian Dury and the Blockheads, hit me with my rhythm stick, hit me with your rhythm stick? Oh, maybe. 8, 12, 15. From Bhutan.

Yes, yes it is. Oh, yeah, it is. But I know what you mean, Al. It's an unusual destination. Nobody goes there. I mean, you meet people and they go, oh, yeah, I went to Spain, and I didn't know the clocks had changed for two weeks.

But you don't meet people that go, oh, I went to Bhutan, and I accidentally tweeted the the clocks had changed for two weeks but you don't meet people that go oh I went to Bhutan and I accidentally tweeted the winner of Bake Off six hours early amazing. But if I'd have had a big national secret on Sunday morning I could well have texted it

blurted it an hour early and spilt the beans so you know there but for the grace of God go I. I would do I think you would have gone on the mobile phone device and you would have probably checked. Smartphone? Yeah, you would have probably thought, I should really check this before I make any announcements.

You forget the Prue is new. New Prue. She is. Yeah, she is new. I noticed Paul Hollywood was on Bake Off Extra Slice. I'm a bit strange because I don't watch Bake Off, but I watch Bake Off Extra Slice. I like watching one of those shows,

like the Extra Factor, without the commitment to the main show. Yeah, because you get to know everything without having to commit to an hour and a half. I don't want to do that. It's like me and Strictly. I like everything except the dancing. I love all the other stuff.

It's great. Do you fast forward the dancing and just listen to the judges? No, no. I watch it live, so I don't have that option. But I'm looking forward to the judges' comments. And of course,

the VT inserts when people are... You like those. Yeah, I like them because I think it's good the public are constantly reminded that comedy is not quite as easy as they might think. I come out of it feeling like a giant after I've watched that. Why do they happen?

Why do the VT inserts on Strictly even happen? To kill a bit of time? But they could kill it with some, you know, some valuable... Paul Hollywood said he was horrified. By what? By prudence? By the indiscretion. Imagine being guilty of an indiscretion.

But, yeah, he wasn't happy. But then he went on to sort of say, you know, he said, well, look, you know, mistakes, mistakes happen. But why didn't she... She could have covered it up. She could have said... She could have covered it up. She could have said, she could have come back

and said, sorry, predictive text. I meant brave, Sophie. She did the whole final with an aneurysm, for example. Right.

And then she'd have covered it up. Or, or then just, I would have just immediately done the same text but with the other two

and kept it a bit mystical. Well, my friend Sophie just tweeted me and said, what channel is Dad's Army on? Or I would have said Bra Sophie, meaning she was giving advice or something. Yeah, bravissimo. Yeah. Bravissimo, there's one in Covent Garden.

There's all sorts of ones. She could have got round. There must be other Sophies on the production. She could have said, I was actually talking to Sophie Ellisberger. The grip, the chief grip. Chief grip. Ellisberger. Ellisberger, yeah.

I don't know her. It's very popular. One of my favourite grips. When the immigrants first arrived in America, the Ellisberger was a popular foodstuff. We got through that, guys. Whoops, the mics are still on. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. 590 aka Julie has said Frank Owl Lady M shout bravissimo at the opera it feels so good it really does

I'll do that next time we've also had not quite a correctione but maybe it is do you want the jingle correctione correctione Maybe it is. Oh, hold on. Do you want the jingle? Yeah. Correction, correction. Ian Dury lyrics, Deserts of Sudan, not Bhutan.

Cheers, Justin. It was a guess. I think it's on New Bhutans and Panties. I don't know what you're saying. It was a joke. His album was called New Boots and Panties. Oh, that was good. I just didn't know the name.

When you have to explain it. It's like when you have to say I love you first before they say I love you. Oh, no. It's worse. Anyway, I nearly was scuppered by the spoiler that Prue had done. Do you watch Bake Off, Al? I do watch Bake Off, yes.

Lovely. I like it. And what happened was the news feed on my phone said, Prue has spoiled Bake Off, but thankfully it linked to a broadsheet who said, we're choosing not to spoil it. Do you get extra slice alerts? Frank gets who alerts? I get shit to alerts. Come on. I don't get extra slice alerts? Frank gets who alerts? I get shih tzu alerts, come on

I don't get extra slice alerts, I've never watched that but actually I didn't watch the break off final I get less and less as I get older I didn't watch break off final on the actual night we watched it a day later Oh, you did well to get away with that Well, here's what happened.

We sat down, we said to the kids, oh, you can watch Bake Off before bed. And my son said, oh, I know who won it. They mentioned it at school. And I went, don't tell any of us! I shouted at him properly, right? He went, OK, OK, I'm not going to tell anyone. It comes on, five minutes in, he goes,

oh, that's Sophie. At least he didn't say bravo Sophie he might have obviously that would have been a special moment I would have thought I basically why don't they use

my dad's old method when the football results came on the news he'd put his fingers in his ears and go ahhhh just like that, until it was... It's actually that note. I'm telling you now, it was that note. I've heard it so many times. But it is effective, that, isn't it?

You can properly stop yourself hearing. You can't do it with the internet, you see. No. That's what's changed. That's true. I like Cruele, so I felt rather sorry for her. I really liked her. I like that she's not the invisible woman,

which happens quite often, let's be honest. And she's an inspiration to me, that I'm not going to wear beige when I'm older. I will embrace the primary colour. The primary. I thought she was great on it. And it proves to me that no one's irreplaceable, because people thought, oh, Mary Berry, irreplaceable.

But actually, it turns out all you really need to do to do that job is be a woman of a certain age and quite nice and be able to eat cake. The necklace is hell, pal. Which I think is going to make it difficult for a... Doesn't sound like much of a qualification to me. People making money out of that now? Well, I don't think...

I had to work my guts out to get where I am. I don't think she's going to get a million quid a season, do you? Nice woman and make cake. When her agent... That's it. What, that's it? That's it, that's it. Well, thanks.

Thanks for the interview. You got the job. I mean, really? That celebrity now? That's it. That's all it took for that job. Frank sounds like Judi Dench outside the Ivy. Judi Dench could do it if she was nice.

She's not nice enough because she was rude to Frank once. Right. I feel like a black cab driver must have felt having done three years doing the Nollies when the Satnavs came out. Yeah. Absolute,

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Much as I love Prue Leith, we were just talking off air about some things and don't look so panicky. Absolutely terrified.

Is anybody else terrified? I can't remember what we were talking about. Listen, it just made me think. She used the, oh, time difference, Wi-Fi, internet thing. Much as I love her and her zany Corbynista red spectacles, I do think that is not an excuse.

Whenever people cite, you know, Wi-Fi problems or... Oh, email problems. I don't believe that. Email problems. Didn't get the email. Oh, time difference. Does she wear red spectacles, Prue Lee?

Yeah, she does. I didn't know that. Of course she does, Frank. It's not often you see those. Usually accompanied by a cat sweatshirt. You know, the cat's the musical. I think actually Noel Fielding wears that Probably

She wears the red specs What I'm saying here Frank She shouldn't have made the excuse I know there was a time difference But just apologise Don't come up with these silly excuses I don't find it easy to believe That someone that can work Twitter

Can't work the world news function on their phone It's too easy to do that someone that can work Twitter can't work the world news function on their phone. It's too easy to do. But, you know, Bhutan... It's just there on clock. You just click on clock and it tells you what the time's like. You wait till it happens to you, Alan Cochran, when the Bhutan's on the other foot. I disapprove of Great British Bake Off.

I think we've got a national obesity crisis. We've got a hit show about cake. Is that a good thing? Good point. You know what cake does to people's lives? What? Well, it kills them. Slowly.

Come on. What about these people when they have to take the roof off their house and winch them out? Well, there aren't many of those. They're right. I don't think we can blame them on Bake Off. He's reading the tabloids. He's reading his supermarket mags in America.

I saw footage of a woman being, no, it's a bloke, I think, being took out of a house through his roof on a winch. Yeah. With his, oh, his waste products dripping off him like you took something out of a fondue. Yeah. I mean, that's cake.

That's what cake does to people. No, I think it might be some other stuff. How much cake do you eat? About half a cake a day. Are you turning to the sort of sugar police or something? If you think of one oven, about half of that per day, that's what I eat in cake. If I went to the BBC and said I've had an idea for a show,

The Great British Roll-Up, in which we make the best cigarette and then the judges come round and have a couple of drags off each one. They'd say no, they can't do that because tobacco's really bad for people. Oh, cag's really great for people. We've got a national obesity crisis. Have we got a national bronchitis crisis? I don't think so.

Next. Oh, Frank. I just want you to have some pleasures in your life. That's all. Yeah, yeah. Don't boycott all fun, Frank. Yeah. You tell him.

Yeah, but you tell him. Dancing, that's good for you. That's a good thing to have as a program. But even that, a minute ago, you said you don't really like dancing. No, I know, but I'm not trying to. But it's harmless. Oh, touche. Zorro.

It's harmless. You don't have to like... I mean, I'm not a big fan of martial arts, but I approve of you doing them. Ouchie. Thanks very much. Obviously, I think one day... Some days I'm not a big fan of them.

You're going to lose your temper and kill someone, and then that's the trouble, wouldn't you? I'd be amazed if I could with my abilities on the mat. Oh, I don't know. You're fast as lightning, as we well know. I am not. You know what Paul Merson said, you keep going to the hairdressers, eventually you're going to have a haircut

Laughter Eventually the hairdressers are going to say why do you come in here? Why do you come in here? Take up a seat, what do you want from me? I love living my life by his rules as well Well, great his rules as well. Yeah, well, great player.

Sophie as well. Yeah. Sophie's like super fit, track cyclist. Yeah, she does boot camp. Does she? Oh, she was in the army. She's ex-military, I know that. So she can handle a bit of cake.

She'll burn that off in an afternoon. She said she put on a lot of weight during Bakel. I don't believe it. I wonder how much she can handle the tabloids now exposing every single moment of her life up to the moment she won Bake Off. I wonder if that's fun. I doubt it.

I said, oh, she'll get over it. It'll be alright. The cookbook will be out soon enough. Oh yeah, the cookbook. That'll be out there. But one of the criticisms of this series of Bake Off was that it's got too much product placement

because it's moved to Channel 4, so there's like certain fridges in that you can see the brand and there's like certain blenders. They don't use it,

though, Al, they don't say, I'll just open the Siemens oven. It's all that sort of thing. I think we'll smell a rat next year if we see that Prue Leith

is wearing a Casio World Time wristwatch all the way through. thing. I think we'll smell a rat next year if we see that Prue Leith is wearing a Casio World Time wristwatch all the way through. I think that's... Well, Al, you make a good point. She could do a Gareth Southgate. Older readers will know what I'm referring to. I'll do an ad for her about the mistake. Alluding to her terrible mistake.

Yeah, own it. Was it... I mean, I don't watch Batacoff. Was it a real... Did it spoil your day Was it, I mean, I don't watch Back of Cuff, was it a real, did it spoil your day? Well, I only watch Extra Slice,

so I don't know. So, yes, there were two people to ask. I managed to, how many people have said,

oh, it's like that episode of The Likely Lads? Do you think that's happened? I said it was like that episode of Seinfeld.

Did you? Yeah, I don't know what episode it would be, but I just want to join in. And I just mentioned Curb, yeah. I want to run in with the herd. was like that episode of Seinfeld. Did you? Yeah, I don't know what episode it would be, but I just want to join in with the herd. And I just mentioned Curb, yeah.

I want to run in with the herd. Or that episode of The Simpsons where Homer has the answer to an enormous popular game show and tells people because he's in Idaho and it's a different... You remember that? Yeah. Yeah, well, that's what I said that was my reference

yeah one of my faves who? that episode oh ok sorry even Homer nods oh lovely absolute

absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio this is Frank Skinner on absolute radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215 if you please. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio

and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Almost not audible that you were eating that. No, I hid that pretty well, I thought. Also, I would like to nominate If You Please for Whatever Happened To. It's really not a phrase you hear that often these days, and I quite enjoyed that, Frank. That is true. And we've actually had a couple of texts

that I'd like to bring to your attention, Frank. Attention! Attention! They're actually about your musical taste. Oh, yeah. Believe it or don't. Here's the first one. You know what they say, sweetness comes from strength.

Yes. Where the hell did you pull that out from? This one's from Reader005. Sernelia Spy. Sernelia Spy? Is that his name? Yeah. So...

Oh, that's my accent. Seneleus would be a good name unless you got knighted as Spiley. He's one of the Planet of the Apes, isn't he? I think he is. Funnily enough. One of the Planet of the Apes. Some sort of satellite. Well, I'm sure he wore a suede waistcoat slash tabard.

This person signs their text as Brother Gorilla. Brother Gorilla. Well, dear Frank and Emily and Alan, having heard Frank mention Jake Thackeray on many occasions, I decided to look him up on the internet and find out who this chap was. And then we get along. Who knew?

He's just marvellous and is now firmly planted in my favourites camp. find out who this chap was. And then we get along. Who knew? Fabulous. He's just marvellous and he's now firmly planted in my favourites camp. Many, many thanks for introduction. Brilliant. Sorry, I know this text has no relevance to today's show.

Brother Gorilla. A reference to... Indeed. I'll tell you what I like about that. Yeah? Do tell. My partner is one of her enthusiasms. My partner David Furnish. It's, yeah her my partner David Furnish

the producer David Furnish my partner Catherine Mason is a very big fan of matchmaking and I always think it's a dangerous business

whereas this is what my form makes me happy. And that is introducing someone to some sort of music or something like that. Or a book or whatever. It makes me feel... I'm thrilled to discover Jake. He's a bit special, I tell you. Yeah.

Oh, sister, Joe Sophie. You do do a good impression of him, too. I'll give you that. Oh, many hours of listening. Brilliant. We've got another musical, Frank Skinner. Really? Yeah, believe it or not.

They're like buses, aren't they? They are. Two things at once. You spoke last week about... I thought you meant they smelled of urine. You spoke last week about Hall & Oates, which reminded me... Yes. The first time I heard anything by them was in a hi-fi section of a department store.

Can we have a moment's silence for hi-fi section? Yeah, love it. Again, not something you hear often. Lovely. I asked the salesman who it was, to which he replied in a black country accent, All the notes, which I interpreted as all the nuts. Yeah, very good. I subsequently wasted my time searching in HMV

between ABBA and Aztec Camera for anything by this elusive non-existent band, presumably all the nuts. Oh. Yeah. Well, I... That's from Bob. I met someone who was on their way to Tizuaz once.

Brilliant story. was filmed in Birmingham. And they stopped at this garage and said to this bloke, how do I get to the Tiswas studio? He said, what do you want to do, mate? He says, go straight up there. But you can't. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in.

Golden syrup, which we were talking about earlier in the show, if you recall. Text you like mine. Yeah. Well, if any students are listening, we were talking about the labelling on Lars Golden Syrup earlier, and there's a lion being, well, it appears to be devoured by a swarm of bees. God, that caught me on the hop, that. I was not expecting that.

It frightened you a bit. I didn't think a lion had got into the studio. I was just surprised to hear the sound. It made me feel very nostalgic for my holiday with the world's strongest men. Golden Syrup, the reference is Samson's riddle. He killed a lion and he liked it. And later

when he passed it, there were bees producing honey in the carcass. Check out new Samson movie coming soon. Oh, that got nice. What a blogaloo-ya, as the Reverend Billy would say. A blogaloo-ya for the movie.

I will check out the new Samson movie. It sounds good. It sounds up your street. I like the idea of finding a hook. It's about Kenny Samson, the former arsehole. I used to love Kenny Samson. Great tash and great tash. Good footballer. Yeah.

And a good tash. Yeah, from strength comes sweetness. That's what they said about that tash. They do. Yeah. We've got a bit more fake news, actually, to deal with. I don't know if you've seen the story this week that the world's most expensive shot of whiskey,

which was apparently 139 years old, and was sold to a Chinese millionaire for £7,900. This is not even a bottle. It's a shot. It was one shot, and it went to Zhang Wei. And it turned out to be fake, Donald Trump style. Fake. Fake booze!

Check your booze, yeah, yeah. It's fake booze. He's a Tito Clu, isn't he? The older DT. Yeah. I'm actually the older DT. Something else I've got in common with Donald Trump. Yeah.

I mean, it's worth just taking a moment to think that that man tweets as he does without the aid of alcohol. Completely sober. Just take that moment. I mean, imagine. He eats a lot of golden syrup. Imagine if he had. He's got a golden syrup. Tre Bon.

So, we're going to go on to this fake Scotch. I need more time for that gag. Yeah, yeah, it was worth having a look. It was a good one, wasn't it? Good gag. Good gag. I really like that, Frank. Oh, thank you so much.

What you haven't got, you see, is a replasmo. For the some of them will fall on stony ground. What do you do when something lands well? We need to come up with something for that. What about... I like it. Nice. I like it.

I was thinking more of one of those Arrow sound effects, like it's hit the bullseye. Oh, that'd be good, wouldn't it? Or Bullseye, Bully's Special Prize. Yeah, yeah. The beginning of Robin Hood with Richard Green used to start off, he'd go... Yeah. Yeah.

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen. We could go on. Great Midlite. He called a band of outlaws to a tavern on the Green. They swore to help the people of the King. Yeah. They challenged all... He came to Sherwood Forest with a feather in his cap.

But they challenged all injustice on the English country scene, but still had plenty of time to sing. I love that. That's injustice sorted for another day. Anyway. Be my lover, my darling, save your... Go on, Robinson. Go on, Robinson.

No, no, Robinson. Bravissimo. Oh, what fun they must have had. Mary, apparently, says on the posters. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

So we were talking about this fake drink, the shot of whisky. It wasn't a fake drink. I think a fake drink's a drink. Well, it wasn't worth the £7,900 that he paid for the shot. That is incredible. How old did he think it was, 139 years old? Yeah. Yeah, I believe so.

And it was from the 70s, is that right? They'd be surprised if it was before the 70s. Still quite old. How old is whiskey? How old is whiskey at 1250? 1878, he thought. That reminds me of Alan Bennett talking heads about his mother. Yes. And she said, how old was Churchill?

I said, when? Apparently whiskey isn't the most faked drink in the world. Apparently the most fake is a wine called Chateauneuf-de-Fete, is it? Oh, yeah. Oh, awkward. That's all right, because he wouldn't know. As long as you don't know. He wouldn't care.

I mean, you want to say of Zhang Wei? Yeah. Zhang Wei. Zhang Wei. Zhang Wei, he still had the pleasure of drinking 139-year-old whiskey. And he got his money back. Because he didn't know. Yes.

Did he get all his money back or did they keep the price? Did they take the minus off? I hope they did. Minus £8.70. Yeah, minus what you would have paid for a bottle of whiskey, £3.80. So there you go. My favourite. It is a Swiss hotel so it would have been quite expensive anyway, presumably.

I love a Swiss hotel. Do you? Can I say my favourite thing about Zhang Wei is he's a martial arts fantasy writer. He Zhang Wei is he's a martial arts fantasy writer. He's what? He's a martial arts fantasy writer. I mean, come on, that's a lovely friend for you. That would be a good friend for me.

Who do you think? And they've got the Scottish, they can bond over the Scottish thing, the whiskey connection. He could maybe write me to be better at martial arts. Can I tell you something? Having read that he was

a martial arts fantasy writer, I thought, that sounds all right. So I went to my Kindle. Oh, yeah? Oh, my God. You didn't download Zhang Wei? 400-page book, 99p. Did you download it?

People and the Whiskey. It is. So it's a book called The Ancient Ship that he wrote. It's probably not ancient. It's probably 19... But 400 pages. So 99... It's about 0.25 of a penny per page.

I don't judge a book by its cover. I judge it by its price per page. I didn't even make the penny. It's one of the worst things. Oh, is it? I mean, it might be that the translation's bad. It could be. It's probably just been fed into a translation app, hasn't it? It was like they were taking dictation from a

sat-nav. Oh. So it's all, you know, we went, you know when you get all that scene setting, we went through Gizu province and Zizu province and Zizu province and then Bocheng country. All right. Do you think at the end

it just says you have reached? Where's the ship? Do you think at the end? He wanted the longboat. It might just say at the end you have reached your destination. I don't know. It was like I didn't get any further.

Oh, that's a shame. A little tone I noticed creeping into the cockerel's voice. A little bit supportive for Zhang Wei there. Yeah. As a fellow martial arts. Look, I'm saying, given the benefit of the doubt,

could be about translation. But. Yeah. For. Unbearable. Unreadable. That's what we need. A sort of.

This is the sort of. I think he's going to put that on the poster. This is. Unreadable Frank Skinner. Next to very cruel. Unknown English woman. You could put it on the Chinese, the original Chinese version. Unreadable Frank Skinner.

A bit up and down, Frank Skinner. I suppose from left to right. No, I... Very good. You know that Richard and Judy used to have that book club where they recommended books? Oh, yes. We could do an alternative.

Books to avoid? Yeah. The dark side of reading, in which we talked about books that we'd read, and there was one on a... Didn't really like. I read one on a... I was on a plane. I'll tell you after.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. One of the things I like... Is somebody blowing out of the top of a milk bottle? There's some works going on in Golden Square. It's a Halloween thing.

There's a lion being devoured by bees. Oh, what again? There's a lion being devoured by bees. Oh, what again? So I... If you've got doubts about the authenticity of your vintage whisky, the company you contact are called Rare Whisky 101. I thought, I'm glad I don't host that panel show.

That would be a dull night, wouldn't it? Welcome to Rare Whiskey 101. Somebody's going, it's malty this one. Yeah, malty. Who would you have as your... Malty drink. Oh, I didn't do my malty. Oh no, now I've really set myself up. I don't have anything.

Malty Poo? That's a lovely dog. Oh, Malty's I've really set myself up. I don't have anything. Maltipoo? That's a lovely dog. Oh. Malti's Poodle Cross. I wonder what you're talking about. Yeah, Maltipoo. Oh, can you stop saying it, please? Don't you think it's true, though,

that when he had the drink, he thought he was drinking a vintage whiskey, so he sort of did have his money's worth? Yeah, like Emperor's New Clothes, but then later on he looked a fool. Again, an interesting philosophical question. Is it a parable? It's like, do you remember there's something about Miriam?

No. It's a reality show. Yes! There was a pre-op transsexual. We didn't know. Well, the men didn't know. The men all thought it was this gorgeous woman. And this bloke had kissed her and been very delighted. And then when he found out,

he got very, the way, you know, macho men do. Right. I kissed a man and it's on telly. Yeah. Who I think was his singer. Yeah, I think so.

And he got furious. He's going to beat up the producer and all that. That's not nice. But, you know, but when he did the kiss, he was, as far as I knew.

Yeah, exactly. It is. Well, I'm complaining then. Anyway, I was on a plane. It's a very esoteric text in this. It is. Well, I'm complaining then. Anyway, I was on a plane. Very esoteric text in this. It is. I don't think it should be a text in. When I...

What happened to Miriam? 8.12.15. Yeah. I was... You know when you buy a book in an airport? Yeah. Oh, yes. Normally with a samurai sword on the cover, I find.

Well, yeah. Yeah, well, what I particularly like... Most last I particularly like is Airplane Edition, that one. When it's like a hardback book, but it's not a hardback. I don't know that. Have you not seen Airplane Edition? So books that are only available in hardback, you can go to an airport bookshop and you can get the paperback. It's still big, as big as a hardback, but paperback.

What? They should just call it airplane mode, Frank. I think the theory is that you could hijack an airplane with a hardback book. Right, if you're a black belt in origami. Yeah, well, you could put the corner in, say, the stewardess's eye. And if they shot a harpoon, I think they have a harpoon, don't they, for unruly passengers? Yeah. Then you hold up the book and where is the...

Yeah, anyway. So I bought this book. It's called Anamkara, and it was about Celtic spirituality, which I'm very interested in. Strange choice. So I started reading it on... Not for Frank.

Started reading it on the plane. Yeah. And now here's the thing. Now, here's that. Because I actually... I said out loud a phrase I'd forgotten

existed. I actually said claptrap. I hadn't heard it for years. It came from the very depths of me. You know when you're sick for a long time and the last bit of it is that really bitter yellow stuff that's been there since the 80s? Yes. Claptrap.

I just said claptrap, and I did perhaps the worst thing you can do for a book, because people talk about the bargain bin and all that, but what I actually put it in was the elasticated netting on the back, and I left it there. Behind the mesh. It was next to a sick bag and a discarded mini pretzel. And maybe a well-thumbed magazine

on the duty-free fare available. But I left it there for someone else who might possibly... Yeah, I didn't want it in my... I sort of covered it up. I didn't even want to see it again. What didn't you like about it? Was it irreligious?

No, it was just... Claptrap. That's what it was, claptrap. I mean, let me... If John... What was it? John O'Donoghue is listening. In respect, you wrote a book.

Oh, my God, he's named him. This has happened. I know, it says on the front, international bestseller, so, you know, I'm the odd man out in this. But, you know on the front, international bestseller. So, you know, I'm the odd man out in this. But, you know, heroin is an international bestseller. Oh, my God. Do I want it?

No, thank you, Mother. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Sorry, I don't want to be distracted, but I'm seeing a potential traffic violation out the window. Are you?

You know, I'm the motoring correspondent on this show. You don't want to abseil your way into a citizen's arrest. I don't want to. He's like the parking superhero. I am a bit. What, Reginald Mull, husband?

I've heard... There used to be a bloke who did... There's an advert about how to park that used to be on the telly. Oh, yeah? And it was called The Day Reginald Mole Husband Got It Right and this bloke, who, like myself, found parking a mysterious science, finally worked it out. Oh, we should bring that advert back.

I watched that advert a thousand times and learnt nothing. We should bring it back, though, some people could do with it out there I've been puzzling over something that someone said to me for a week and a half now and I'd like to workshop it with my radio colleague Sure You know last week I was on a Lincolnshire

mini break, me and my family went on a dog walk Lovely Another American film Lincolnshire mini break the third Me and my family went on a dog walk. Lovely. So we've got Cockerel, Mrs. Cockerel. It's another American film. Lincoln Cheer Midi Break the Third. So if you picture the scene, we've got me, Cockerel, Mrs. Cockerel, and the two Cockerel juniors, and the Whippet.

Lucky Cockerel, as we call her. And we went on this nature walk that happened to go through a golf course. So the pathway was going through a golf course. Always on Nerfing. Don't really like golf. I think it's golf players I have a problem with. Well,

one of them, a man, I would say in his 60s, possibly I don't know. It doesn't make him a bad person. No, it doesn't. But we approached and I think we looked like a sort of a picture postcard family because we've got the whippet, the two children.

Did you have a flat cap on? I did have a flat cap on. I knew you would. So we're walking and the man said you know when somebody says something to you in the tone of banter and you sort of go ha ha ha, because it's obviously meant in a jovial way? I wrote it down straight away. Here's what he said.

He sort of pointed expansively at our lot and he said to me, you've got ten million quid there and that's without the wife. Oh! OK. But it had the sing-song tone of, hey, I've got a bon homie I'm being friendly 10 million quid there

and that's without the wife does he mean what they were going to cost you what they were going to cost you for the rest of their lives well but that's what I think hence without the wife and a shoe habit you know what ladies are like if I'd known that he was saying they're going to cost that much I would have said well in that, we'll have the dog put down

and I'll probably send the children to state school because there's absolutely no way that they're going to cost me 10 million quid. Did he mean, he couldn't have arrived at 10 million quid. I'm only one part on a Saturday radio show. Was it Zhang Wei? Exactly. I wish I'd known about Zhang Wei. I mean, Zhang Wei and his extravagant lifestyle.

We don't all live like you. You need to phone Nuclear Family 101 and see what the cost, what the real cost is. Or was he breaking it down, like, you know, per person? Like, my daughter, four million, my son, four million, the whippet, two million. You're not going to spend that much. What if he was saying, you've got something priceless

worth more than ten million quid. I think that might have been his vibe I know it's less funny for the radio but I think that could be a nice thing and do you think him saying without the wife was him being like the slightly golfer misogyny of I'm not factoring her in

she's the maraschino cherry what's in a specialist human traffickers tournament that day you know they have a little convention and a golf day They did a specialist human traffickers tournament that day. You know, they have a little convention and a golf day. Put someone back in. They weren't carrying their own bags now, you mentioned. No, well, there you go.

They had about 300 people carrying their bags. I thought it was an unusual caddy system. Something's gone on there. He thought it was being helpful. It was a very quick, it was giving you a quote, essentially, wasn't it? Right. On what he would pay for you. Yeah, exactly. But even that can't be right.

He wouldn't pay that kind of money, would he? I wish I'd known that. I'd have got rid of the whole lot and just got a new family this week. Yeah. Well, he probably had one with him. All right, you can have these. I'll have a cheap one. But what did he mean, though?

What did he mean? Oh, man, it's plagued me. I think I've thought about it perhaps about 18 hours of every day since then. Yeah. Well, I'm not going to stop thinking about it now. Ten million quid there. And that's without the wife. So that's without the wife that becomes complex. Or is he saying, look, this is a treasured image that you've got here,

but you need to lose the wife? No, I don't think he's saying that. No, because that would have been, but that's without the wife. I mean, he was playing golf. He might be quite bitter divorcee. I don't know. But also, but that's without the wife has got that thing about, you know, I went to the Labour

Party conference. It was all beards and roll-up cigarettes and that was just for women. It's got that kind of template to just women yeah come on lads we know what ladies are like watching their soaps it's got that flavor to it what i and what i think he's done he's got the template of that gag and he's just crammed any words in he can yeah so the form is there but it doesn't make any sense. I'll tell you how I responded. I went, ha-ha-ha. And then walked on and said to my wife, what does that mean? And since then we've been puzzling it every day.

Well, I arrived at Elstree Studios to be greeted by Sarah, who works on this show, who also works on Room 101. There was a sign there that says, don't forget to show your pass. And a drawing of a man with a lasso. And I've been thinking about it for three weeks. And I'm a pun, you know, I think of myself as something of a pun mind.

What do you mean by that? Why the lasso? Otherwise they're going to catch you and rope you off. Really? Cowboy style. Seems unlikely. Wow. At Elstree Studios.

I wasn't happy with you, I'll be honest with you. I didn't want to ask them. They look like Western types. The men on the gate have both got those droopy moustaches. Oh, have they? I imagine, you know, they've used the word amigo. Actually. So I didn't ask them in

case you know they just put lassoons on everything a boot lace tie Frank yeah well they got

they really have got that yeah what you looking for stranger maybe they're going to cut me off at the

pass thank you so much for listening it's been a pleasure as ever. And bring on the feathers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.